Medieval Farts and Reverse Sneezing
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Or you two or something. We're bad friends. Mythological madness, it's all in my mind. Mythological madness of the supreme kind. Mm-hmm.

You know, because it rhymes and it's about your mental disorders and stuff. Mythological madness. Yeah, baby. In my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mythological madness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. It's a how to tune right now, bro. Baby. I grab a knife from the kitchen and go to the bedroom. Yeah.

You're lying in bed. You're snoring again. I stab you in the neck. Then you take some meth and you boil some babies. And then you smoke it outside. Yeah. And your neighbor says cut it out so you kill him too. Yeah, baby. Welcome to the show. What have you been having? Crazy dreams? Oh, my God. For the last 10 years...

I haven't dreamt at all. Come on, never? No, it's like my sleeps were like almost coma type sleeps where you wake up and you go. Como sleep. Como sleep. Or you go, what day is it? What time? You know, when you wake up. I don't know what happened. But since the quarantine and since I've been sober this time, oh, my Lord. Oh, la la. How many hours a night do you get? Oh, shit. I get about nine or ten hours. And I didn't wake up until like...

That's why I texted you and I said I was going to be late. I know. Well, you were late. Kalilah actually texted me. Mythological madness. Here, Kalilah texted me this. Oh, I just woke up like this. Kalilah just said, here you go. What is it? She wrote, here you go. He's on his way. That's what she said. Yeah, yeah. So here we go. There he goes. There he goes. Come back this way. Come back this way. Okay.

Jesus. Jesus Christ. Did you hear that, Jules? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dog, look at your dog. Listen to your dog growl. I know. Listen to this dog. No, that's not growling. That's not growling. It's okay, Rob. Thank you. Thank you, Rudy. What is that, Rudy? Reverse sneezing. Reverse? Your dog reverse sneezes? Yeah, we don't do it normal. We do everything reverse. This is a dog sneezing backwards? Yeah. Did you hear that, Jules? Oh, my gosh.

What the fuck is that? Dude, we have two dogs that do that. What the fuck are you talking about? Dogs do that, bro. Reverse sneezing? Yeah, it's like when cats go like this. Cats do this. And then they cough up some fucking ball of fucking puke balls.

Oh my god. No, no, no. Why are you googling everything, you fuck? Reverse sneezing is very common, and less so in cats, so you're wrong about that. When pets reverse sneeze, they typically stand, extend their head and neck, pull back their lips, and inhale repeatedly forcefully through their nose. A distinctive loud snorking sound. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is your dog. Oh my god. That's my fucking medieval fart. Did you hear that, Jules? It's not that interesting, but the fucking reverse sneezing is.

I've never heard reverse sneezing before. You've never heard a fart like that, my friend. That's fucking from the medieval days, my friend. Let's hear it again. It's like the drummer boy farts. There's like 15 drummers in there. Look at my little Smurf underwear. I look like Papa Smurf with that underwear.

Yeah, all right. Enough, enough. Enough. Enough of those. You know what's so great about that? What? I do that all the time at the house. You do? I rewind stuff over and over and over, and she fucking hates when I do it. Your wife does? Yeah, it makes me laugh so hard. When I find something funny like that on a show or like anything, I have to watch it again and again. Yeah, I do. I watch American Idol and The Voice like that. But my point is this. Do you ever fart in bed?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Do you squeeze your butt cheeks open so that it comes out so there's no noise? See, I usually fart in bed only if I know that we're not going to make boop boop. If we're not going to make boom boom. If it's not in the cards, then I'll fart in bed. How do you know if it's in the cards or not? You can feel it.

Ah, it's about the scent. You can feel it in the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, did you – I got boom-boom from our favorite – boom-boom. Make a good boom-boom from my favorite characters from 90 Day Fiancé. Did you tweet at Ed? Oh, no. So this is what happened. So Ed – Yeah. Big Ed. Big Head Ed. Mayo Head Ed. Mayo Head Ed. Mayo Head Ed. He was on Instagram Live, and I got on it, and I go –

First, I kept saying 15 times, acknowledge me. Acknowledge me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he wouldn't do it, right? Because he's like doing Instagram Live with just other people. It hurt my feelings. Well, you wanted to do an IG Live with – Maybe, yeah. Or at least say, hey, what's up or whatever, right? So then I started going, hey, man, I'm verified. Okay.

You know what I mean? I mean, I had to throw up. I have a blue check, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Isn't that so funny, though, when you send someone a message on there and they're verified and you are too, you automatically go...

Come on. Open it up. I'm verified. Well, it's funny because it's like when somebody – do you ever do this when like somebody verified follows you on Twitter, you follow them back? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, yeah. Why is that? It's so gross. Because it's like a club. Yeah. You feel like you're a part of a thing. Yeah. Like you know who follows me, but I – and I'm a fan. But am I following Louis Bukowski? What's his name? What? The singer. Louis Bukowski? From England. Louis –

Yeah, Lewis Capaldi. Who is that? He's one of the biggest singers on planet Earth. I don't know. Yeah. What does he sing? There he is. Wow. He's huge. He's a sharp-looking cat. Yeah. He's one of the best singers. What does he sing? What's that song that he sings? You know the song. Sing it a little bit. No. Rudy, please. Just give me a little bit. Please, Rudy, please. Don't fully sing it. Just give me the gist. No, the lyrics. The lyrics. And you're not here to make it through it all.

Is this Someone You Loved? Is that the name of the song? I do like him a lot, but yeah. Yeah, Someone You Loved. That's a great song. Is that the one? Yeah. Here, read the lyrics. They're there for you. Will you sing and read it? I can't read it. I'm going blind. It goes...

Now the day bleeds into nightfall and you're not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down and think you pulled the rug.

I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he follows me on Twitter. Yeah, I love him. And he's a huge star. And I don't know if I follow him back, but – No, you didn't. It sounds like you didn't follow him back at all. Yeah, but because he's so big, I didn't want to like – How many followers does he have? A lot of followers? Millions. Yeah. He's huge. He's like the next Ed Sheeran. How do I not know this guy? Because I don't know. I'm not good. Maybe you only like Conor McGregor and like the Lucky Charms guy.

What is that? This is music. I like music. Maybe you like only redheaded vibe. I only like redheaded stuff. He's a redhead. I would have liked him. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is what it should have gone like. Yeah. I'm going under this time and I feel nowhere to turn to. Nothing all the way up. Love ain't got me sleeping out. You know I need somebody to know. Somebody to heal.

Somebody to help. Just know how it feels. That's my kind of stuff. Wow, you can sing kind of, huh? Creed. That's my kind of stuff. Can you sing? I can't sing. I know how to. I'm a good, you know, like monkey see monkey do.

Oh, I see. I know how to repeat what I've heard. Yeah. I can imitate it, but I can't sing well. I can't do impressions. Yeah, you can. No, I can't. Yeah, you can. No, I can do... Do an impression of... Oh, De Niro. Yeah. De Niro. Okay. No, don't talk. Don't talk. Don't talk. Just do the face. That's good. Now give me another face of an impression of someone else you can do. Oh, really? That's you.

Who is that? Yoko Ono. Oh, Yoko. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. That's pretty good, huh? Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah. Do you mind? A lot of people hit us up on the internet and they asked us to play a little bit of some of your psychedelic rock. Can we play some of it? No. It's so good. You saw it? I actually really like that song. I'm not even kidding a little bit. It's fucking awesome. Oh, God. 60,000 people watched the video. You probably had like nine hits before you mentioned it.

And that's you. Yeah, that's me. Look at how... You, by the way... Yeah.

You look so cute in this video. Yeah. And what pissed me off about Lax and Superb, the band, and I don't know if you're friends with these guys anymore, but what pissed me off about this music video, they punched in on your hands. Yeah. And they didn't show your fucking face until four minutes and 55 seconds in the video. Yeah, because at the time, I was just the seventh guy in the band. It doesn't matter. You're important. Yeah, but back then I wasn't. You were ripping. You ripped on that fucking Roland. Those keys were getting slid on, bitch.

You fuck you, man. I'm dead serious. It was so fun. All right. And then the lead singer, it's just him, him, him, him. Yeah, Kevin Shule from Chicago. What's up, bro? But they show the band from a huge wide shot, and they don't get to you until four minutes. Jensen Roof is in it. Alan Meadows. What's up, guys? That's all they gave you. Five seconds. I know. That's the only face shot you got right there. I know, I know. Five seconds of a face shot. That's what they gave you. There were so many people in that band.

And fade out from Bob. That's it. I know, I know. I love... Honestly, though, the song, I listen to over and over, and maybe it's because from that generation. It reminded me of stuff that I love. Let me say this, and I want to defend the band. I didn't say anything negative about it. I just want to defend it. Oh. Just in case. Okay. Honestly, the music was okay. You know, it's just...

What drove me crazy is that – see that shot right there? Yeah. So see that man to the right with the black – see that guy to the right with the glasses and the balding head? This guy that the arrow is on right now. That guy. No, it's okay. I forgot his name. But so those other three I went to high school with. I was going to say, this guy is balding in high school? No. This guy – so we used to play this coffee shop called Metaphor Cafe in Escondido. Nice. Nice.

And he and his other friend had like a Simon and Garfunkel duo band, but they were so infinitely better. But they were in their 40s. They were just better musicians. They were really good. Yeah. And so Kevin goes, why don't you join our band? So then we became like Grateful Dead. That's how many people were on the stage. Yeah. At one point, I think you see a shot. There's 37 people. I know. So then what happened was I didn't want these two old fuckers in the band. Why?

He just looked like a lawyer. So what happened was I just kind of stopped going to practice and kind of rebelling. In protest against them? In protest. Because you were like, get the old guys out or I'm not going to come back. Yes, I felt like if I just stopped kind of getting involved that they'll throw these guys out of the band. But then I remember the meeting. Oh, shit. They had like an intervention? Oh, yeah. No, they brought me to the Metaphor Cafe during the day.

And I remember sitting there and they all collectively goes, you're out of the band. And I literally, I remember tears just rolling off my face. Because you thought that your move was going to, you were playing a power move. Yeah, I was doing a power move and it backfired, right? It fucked me, right? So I go, what? Right? And then I remember this. I go, I don't know what I'm going to do. So what I did was my friend F. Scott Collins. Was he a fucking novelist? No.

Sounds like a writer. He lives in Phoenix. He's a great guy. In many ways, I owe comedy to him. Really? Yeah, because F. Scott Collins was like this 50-year-old dude or 40-year-old, 50-year-old dude, bald-headed, kind of military-looking guy that I met in AA. And he goes, hey, I'm doing this actor's workshop in Pacific Beach. And I go, yeah, I'm not an actor. And he goes, I know, but this guy named Gary Austin. You know who Gary Austin is? I don't.

Okay, well, I'm going to tell you. Okay. I don't like your tone. Oh, God. All right, here we go. Gary Austin founded the Groundlings in the early 70s. I didn't know that. He got kicked out of the Groundlings, but he founded it. Wait, what? I don't know how. I don't know the politics of it, but if you go in front of the Groundlings on Melrose, there's a plaque that says his name, Gary Austin. Gary Austin. He died. What did he die of?

I don't remember. But he died like maybe 10 years ago or 8 years ago. I remember being very sad when he died. Gary Austin. Yeah. So Gary Austin was like one of the first improvisers. Yeah. Right? So he used to do – so he came down to my friend F. Scott Collins' class to do just a series of classes. It cost a lot of money. I remember asking my dad for the money. He gave it to me. To take like 101, right? Yeah. But –

But it was through Gary Austin where I was just like – we would play improv games, and I didn't really know the rules, but he taught me the rules. How many rules are there, by the way? I only know two. Yes and and never say no. Yeah. Well, yes and is that same thing. That's the same rule. What's the other one? Add information. Add information. Okay. Yeah, so instead of going – And how much money – So I'll give you an example. Yeah. So if you didn't have improv class for those of you listening –

I would be – we were in a scene together. Okay, we're in a scene. Hey, Teddy. I bought you a birthday gift. Congratulations. Oh, man. It's not my birthday. See, that's not – see, that's exactly what you shouldn't do. You know that. Right. You did that as a joke, right? Yeah, of course. So let's do the scene. I'm supposed to do it. Yeah, yeah. So ding-dong. There's no door there. Yeah, that's so – ding-dong.

Hey, Teddy. Good morning. Hey, Micah. Yeah. That's exactly what you're supposed to do. Add information. And I go, I got you a birthday gift. Here you go. Happy birthday. Whoa, a frog. See, there we go. I've always wanted a frog. See, that's how you do it. And then that would be still fine. Yeah, that would still be fine.

That would still be fun because you're – so those are the rules. But I'm going to tell you – Improv is fun. It's okay. No, no, no. It actually is fun. I'm not talking shit. Improv is cool. I think it's fun when it's done really well. Same as stand-up. Yeah, but I've seen the best do it.

Yeah. I've seen Jordan Keegan do Longform with Ike Barinholtz back in the day. Love Ike. Love those guys. And I used to just kind of go, all right. Longform improv, it's like an hour and a half show. I can't stay for that long. Me either. But I like little snippets. Yeah, snippets are fine. Yeah, I'll take little snippets. But this is what happened. So Gary Austin, I was really into it. And Gary Austin had a class in Burbank. How many levels did you get, by the way?

He didn't have levels. I thought that's, don't you pay money for every level? He wasn't at the Groundlings at the time. Oh. Yeah, yeah. He got kicked out, I told you. Oh, I didn't know how far along that was. Yeah, he got kicked out in the 80s. Oh, shit. So he's like, it's mine. And they're like, not anymore. Right. That's what happened. Seems nice.

So I went to – I used to drive to Burbank from San Diego and to take his classes. And I remember meeting Mindy Cohen. She was on The Facts of Life. Yes. So she was in the class, and I remember hearing that Pat Morita had just dropped the classes, but he was doing it too. Wow. So I just remember being – like I thought Mindy Cohen was like being in front of Meryl Streep. Like to me at the time – I mean at the time she was very famous. But even also at the time a kid from San Diego who doesn't know anybody. Like I didn't know anybody.

Right. I didn't know how show business worked. Right. Right? So I remember just looking at all these. I thought everyone was a star. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just looking around going, oh my God, is that guy a star? He looks like Charleston Aston or whatever, you know? Maybe that's Charleston Aston. I don't know. Charleston Aston. Yeah. So one night I went there. This actually happened. And he goes, hey, you hungry, kid? And I go. And this is F. Scott Fitzgerald. No, this is not F. Scott. This is Gary Austin. F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Gary goes, are you hungry, kid? And I go, yeah. I mean, I'm going to drive back to San Diego. I could get a meal. So we went to Jerry's Diner in Studio City. Love Jerry's. Right? Yeah. And I was there with me, Gary Austin, and I don't remember the third person we were with, but we're eating. And I remember like going, I can't pay for that. I hated those days when you were nervous. And you're like, I'll just have a fry from someone's plate. Well, that's what I did. I'm not hungry. He goes, you haven't eaten all day. You have no money, right?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, it's on the house. I got it. Oh, so nice. So we were sitting there eating. So you're like 36 cheeseburgers, 97? Yeah. And the restaurant was packed. Yeah. It was on a Friday night. And I had been taking the class for about a month or whatever. And I go, I play the piano as well. And he goes, he got mad. What do you mean? Gary Austin. I'll tell you how I. He goes, what? You fucking play the piano?

And I go, yeah. He goes, how come you didn't tell me? Because we had a class where we revealed all our talents. We talked about ourselves. Sure. Because I'm not that great at it. I know how to play chords and stuff. I don't know how basic music works, right? But I'm like shy. He goes, if you're shy, you're never going to make it, right? He's right though. Right, right. He's very right. And I go, okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what, kid. You stand on this booth.

And you get the attention of the whole restaurant. Oh, shit. And he goes, you get everyone's attention and you tell everyone that you play the piano, right? And I promise you, this sounds so cheesy. Ten years from now, you're going to be on The Tonight Show. And? I said, no. And I started eating. But then, you know, he let it go. And we just eat it. And I don't know what came over me. I just stood up on the fucking booth. Buddy! The whole restaurant shut up. And I go...

I play the piano. And I kid you not, this is so cheesy, the whole restaurant clapped. Shut up. No, I'm not kidding you. Why? I don't know why. Wow. But they all clapped. I sat down and Gary Austin looks at me and goes, I'm probably a kid. And 11 years later, I did The Tonight Show. So he was wrong. So the moral is he's incorrect. The guy has a fucking bad gauge of time. He has 11 years, not 10. So not a smart man. Yeah.

you know, it's a story that, no, I'll just, let's back up for a second. By the way, anytime an Asian kid stands up and goes, I play the piano, I would've been like, we know! Yeah, yeah. That's really sweet though that he, that. Yeah, he did that. And then, so that was my first introduction to any kind of like made

you know what I mean? This could happen. Maybe you were going to be a full-time comedian? No, but I just thought that this is, you know, I remember taking the class and being excited. I remember driving up to LA and listening to the song Los Angeles by Frank Black because his album had just come out. Yeah. And just going, just going like, I can't believe I'm, you know, going to LA and doing this. That's so cool though. They have a soundtrack to go get hyped up about. Right. And it's funny because it's, you know, you,

When you're a young guy like that, 19, 20, and you don't know anybody in show business, and you never think that that could be a part of your reality. And in many ways, those times I miss. Don't you miss struggling a little bit? It's funny. I've talked about it a little bit before, but I do miss it. I don't miss the way I used to have panic attacks at 3 in the morning about how I was going to pay rent. That I don't miss at all. Right.

But there was something – I joked the other day. I used to live in a fucking dining room. I used to live in a dining room. Three dudes, one bathroom. They had a bedroom and I lived in a partitioned off dining room. And I slept on the floor. I had a mattress on the floor, no like bed frame. And I had a desk that I got off the street under the freeway. Yeah, yeah. Under the tent freeway. Yeah.

And the thing I miss the most was when I left my shitty, sad fucking apartment and went to go do Mike's, I was the same as everybody else. Yeah. I didn't feel poor and sad because I was out having fun, telling jokes, fucking around. Yeah. Until you have those vulnerable moments where you're like, fuck, I can't pay for this cheeseburger.

You know, like those moments are bad. They're terrible. But when you were out and you were nothing mattered. I had no schedule. You know, you're you're usually young and single and and dumb and down to do anything. So there is no time is no schedule. Nothing matters. Yeah. I miss the fuck out of that. Yeah. But don't you miss like when like I remember coming to L.A. and there was this guy named Vic Dunlap. You remember Vic Dunlap? No, but I love that name. The guy who made Dunlap sporting equipment. That guy. No, man. Vic Dunlap. Vic Dunlap died. Yeah.

Dude, all these guys died from your stories. He was a comic. Oh, shit. Rest in peace. So, Vic Dunlop was a pretty big comic, I guess, in the 80s. I remember watching him on shows and whatever. He wasn't the biggest kind of guy. Was he funny? Did you like him? He's a fat guy. Pretty funny, yeah. And I remember Vic Dunlop, this is when he was going down and obviously, like he was not playing the store anymore. His health or his abilities? His abilities, I guess. And he used to run this coffee shop in Pasadena.

I remember Vic Dunlap calling me one time. Hey, kid. This is when I first moved to L.A. I'm doing this coffee shop. You should come play it, kid. You know? And I remember, like, turning to my roommates going, do you know who that is? And they're like, who? As if it was, like, Tom Hardy or some shit. Yeah. But you get excited about it. It's huge. Yeah. Or I remember one time Byron Allen, right? I was doing an open mic. Yeah. And he came up to me and he goes, this is a long time ago, and he goes,

You know about timing, kid. Keep going. And I remember like laying in bed. No money. You're with like 15 dudes in a fucking one-bedroom apartment. But just laying there next to all your friends, going to sleep, going...

I know it's so dumb. No, it's great. I know it's dumb to talk about now. Now it's like I see guys, I'm like, fuck you. Right, that's what you do to everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see Adam Sandler go, fuck you, you know what I mean? Whatever. But the feeling was cool back then. But back then it was so magical. And, you know, many times I miss that innocence and that, I like to struggle.

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What was the first time when you did stand-up? You did stand-up in Chicago or here first? Here? Well, no, no, no. Phoenix in Arizona when I was in school. Oh, you went to ASU? Yeah. Me and your brother bonded so close. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you went to ASU. Yeah. So you did stand-up where? There was like a local bullshit coffee shop in Mesa or Glendale or one of those spots. Oh, right, right. But I used to go to the Tempe Improv.

But I couldn't get up there. Oh, of course. Even the open mics was not – the open mic was for people that were like comics. Yeah, was Dan Murr there back then? I don't remember. I don't remember. Was Adam Eget there? We had just missed each other. Oh, really? I know. We talked about that. He just was leaving. Do you remember the first night you killed? I remember the – I remember one of the first nights –

Yeah. Yes. I remember one of the first nights that I did really, really well. It was at a place called Room 5. It doesn't exist anymore here on La Brea. It's above an old like Armenian restaurant. I remember that place. Yeah, I remember that place. That was the first place I ever did really well. And the guy that used to run it was like a crazy alcoholic. What was his name? Do you know who I'm talking about? No, no, no. Rick something maybe?

Yeah. Dude, he, like, you'd show up and he was so nice. Good dude. Not a bad dude. I'm just saying, you'd show up, you'd be like, what's up, man? You're like, what's going on, man? And he's like, nothing, man. The lineup's over there. Ba-da-da-da-da-da. Within, like, ten minutes, you'd turn back around and he'd be like, hey, you fucking fuck!

He'd be blacked the fuck out. And he would black out for no shit, four or five hours. He would sit and drink and drink and drink. And then he'd go, are you drinking? You're like, no, no. And he'd go, I'm taking your fucking tickets. Remember when you used to get drink tickets all the time? I'm taking your drink tickets. He would just take my drink tickets and get wasted. And I'd never get paid. I never, ever, ever. It was supposed to be five or ten bucks. I never got paid. But I killed in that room for the first time when I ever really...

Like really did it? Yeah. And then when you killed, when you got off the- Let me tell you, because you know who was there. The guy who used to come around the store doesn't come around anymore. Christian Harloff. Do you remember him? I love Christian. I love Christian. Yeah. He had said something. Christian was a regular at the store at the time and was- Yeah, I love Christian Harloff. He was going all the time. He was killing. Yeah. And he came up to me and he was like-

In so many words, he was like, yeah, man, you're you're going to be better than this place pretty soon. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. And I had just done so well that I was kind of riding on this high. And he getting his respect was huge. He was a regular at the store. That was a big deal. Yeah. For back then, people knows like when a regular was like, yeah, you're pretty funny. You were like, oh, so when when Chris D'Elia and I saw you perform and we said to you, it didn't matter because I knew I was good already. I was already better than you guys then.

When you and Chris were like, oh, this guy's great. It's like, yeah, I'm better than both of you guys. Do it right into your own microphone. That's it. That was sad. Did you get that? Did you see him on that frame? Yeah. Perfect. That was sad. Scoot over this way a little bit. There you go. Why was it sad? Because I went, the drummer boy, but it didn't happen. No, no, but that's what you did. No, when you and Chris said something nice about me, it was very wonderful. I want to ask you, when you talked about the grounding scene, because I totally forgot, um,

UCB closed down. Do you know that? Forever? That's what I read online. Yeah, I don't know if that's true. What do you mean? Everything's closed. It's quarantine, baby. No. Closes. UCB closes. Upright Citizen Brigade.

Training Center will be closed. Forever. Yeah, forever. Wow. New York, not LA. Not LA. New York. Yeah, New York. Yeah. Sad. It is sad. It's one of those venues for me like Largo where it's a little – You'd go there and bomb? Not just bomb. When I went there, I never felt like I was a part of it.

Because we're not. That's an exclusive little group. I know. I mean you would get invited to do some sort of improv show or do stand-up in an improv show. They always had like a hook. It couldn't just be stand-up. Yeah. You got to do stand-up but then there's an interview where you have to play a character. Someone is going to throw something at the audience at you just out of nowhere and it's an object that we gave them and so you just have to play with it. Yeah. It might hit you in the face. It might not. Yeah. But it's one of those places where I go –

I always thought to myself, I'm not cool enough. Well, they always had kind of – there's always a vibe there. Right, but this is the only way I explained it. Whenever I would feel like shit because I'd go there and do a show and do fine or something. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? It's the same jokes I do back at the – I always would walk away going, ah, this is how people feel when they come to the store. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I felt the balance was right where I was like, oh, I deserve to feel like that because I know people come up to me and they're like, the fucking store makes me feel like shit whenever I go. I'm like, what? Yeah. I think the stores for people that experience trauma. Yeah, a lot of it. Yeah, because I know a lot of wholesome, just nice people with good upbringings who get a really strange vibe from the company store where they feel just as soon as they get there,

Like gross. Yeah. And just intimidated. Yeah. It is though. It is very intimidating. Yeah. But it's just – you can't fuck with the history, man. You can't fuck with the history and the level of talent. When you bombed for the first time at the store, do you remember your first bad, bad show there? Yeah. I can tell you what it is. Yeah. And –

Come on, baby. I know I'm going to say it, but I have to think about... Come on, Papa. I don't want to start a war. Let the Papa tell the story. I'll tell the story. You're not going to start a war. So this is what happened. Oh, fuck. Sorry. So this is when I was opening up for Mencia a lot. Turn it off because I want to pay attention. All right. Relax. Your volume thing on the side. I don't know how. Right there where your thumb is. I'm going to turn the whole thing off. Oh, look at that. That's responsible. Rudy's laughing. Rudy likes it. Rudy loves it. So... Yeah. Yeah.

I was living in San Diego, but Mitzi had made me a paid regular. At La Jolla or at – No, I got lucky. So two years in, Pauly called me and goes, did I sign an open mic? And I'm looking for an emcee for my Vegas show. And I go – I was working the door in La Jolla. And I go –

All right. Yeah. So he flew me out there and it was in front of, he was huge at the time, 5,000 people. Where was it at in Vegas? Top of the Rive. Wow. Right. So Steve Schripper was like the guy there. You know Schripper? Yes. 5,000 people? Yeah. And I remember Schripper going, hey kid,

He called me Ching because Dice used to call me Ching. What? Yeah. Dice used to call me Ching. C-H-I-N-G? Yeah. C-H-I-N-G. Yeah. What are you saying? Which one are you saying? Ching with a G. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not chink. Not chink? That's illegal. No, it's not. It's canceled. You could have said it back then. We said it all the time. Maybe.

Yeah, you guys did. Just because Shane Gillis got canceled from it. That's now. Back then it was fine. So Shrimp used to call me Ching. And he'd go, hey, Ching, if you do six minutes, I'll break your legs. Oh, yeah. If you do four minutes, I'll break your legs. You do five. That's it. That's what you got to do. And I remember just being –

You know what I mean? Just like literally taking it literally. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Well, he's in the mafia. It's also Vegas. Maybe it was. Well, you'd hear stories that he was connected to the mafia or whatever, right? Yeah, he was. So I remember I had been doing comedy for two years and I went up. I don't remember what I did. And then I brought up Wild Willie Parsons. Wild Willie Parsons. Yeah. His picture is still down at the store. He's still out there. So Wild Willie Parsons went up, did 30. But when I got off stage –

backstage, huge place, right? Yeah. I see Mitzi coming up to me. Oh, shit. And I'm going to open my car. She goes, eh, Bobby. There you go. What is that impression? That's her. That's what she sounded like. I know, but you do it like, she's like, whoop, whoop. Yeah, that's what she sounded like. Bobby, Bobby. Yeah. I go, yeah, Mitzi. That's how I used to sound. Mm-hmm. Scared. Mm-hmm. Why? What's up? Did I do something wrong? And she goes, you're a regular at all my clubs.

And that's how I got in. Damn. How lucky. That must have felt so fucking good. So lucky. So I was living in San Diego in a regular, but Menci goes, hey, dude. Hey, bro. You come up and do, you know, come to LA, bro. So I went up there on a Saturday night and Mitzi saw me there. And I was hanging out with Carlos in the main room, green room. And Carlos goes, hey, Mitzi, put him up. Right. You're a new comic. I'm new. Yeah.

And Mitzi goes, yeah, you go up. And Joe Rogan says, Joe Rogan's there. And Joe Rogan goes, Mitzi, he's from fucking San Diego. He's not funny. Or something like that. He's not fucking funny. Right? Yeah. He'll be fine. That's what she said. Yeah. I went up there. Not only did I not hear any laughs, I hear Rogan in the background, I fucking told you he's not funny. Yeah.

He's not fucking funny, Mitzi. He's a lawyer. Yeah. Right? And I remember eating it so bad. You can feel it. Oh, my God. It was also like one of those sets where I went, oh, maybe I'm not going to make it. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, maybe it's just like I was a local. Yeah, in San Diego, what? Who am I competing against? Right. But maybe in the big leagues, I just don't have it.

In retrospect, it's because I just didn't – wasn't – You weren't ready. I wasn't ready. That's all. You were good. You just weren't ready. I wasn't even good. I wasn't even good. It was just like I just wasn't ready. Can you give me one of your jokes that bombed up? Oh, yeah. I used to do – I'm so lonely, right? I'm so lonely. When I masturbate, I grab my own ass.

Right? And then I turn around and I go, do me, do me. And I start squeezing my cheeks. Yeah. And then my opening act, my opening line was, I used to make my hair really messy. Yeah. So it was out of control. And I would go, I'm not really Asian. I just woke up.

Oh, my God. And it used to get crushed. In San Diego. In San Diego. And I did it in the main room. Nothing. And it was so funny. Yesterday, the Sklar brothers, I did something with them. And the Sklar brothers was around back then. What did you do with the Sklar brothers? I thought we're quarantining. No, I didn't. I did it through Zoom. Oh, okay. But why? Because...

I know, but the thing is... I know, I like them too. They're twins. I know, I like them too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got mad at me, by the way. Well, I mean, I just finished. I made fun of Star Wars. Oh, I hate Star Wars. But they went through my agent and my manager. They kept calling me and then I didn't respond. So then they went to Abby and Matt and they called me. Hey, what about the Sklar brothers? And I went, well, they have my number.

So then when they directly called me, I couldn't say no. So that's that. But anyway, the Sklar brothers, let me just finish this and then you go into this. The Sklar brothers, I remember I was so bad back then that they pulled me aside one night and they go, hey, you know, you're confident up there, but like we don't know anything about you. Yeah. Because they're like really direct. And I go, what do you mean?

I mean, you're just doing jokes about – they don't make any sense. You're doing ninjas on Southwest. Right. I used to do a bit called Ninjas on Southwest. Yeah, and he goes, it just – that's – there's nothing that we know. Be more real. What's the premise of that bit, the ninjas on Southwest? Because back then in security checkpoints, they used to have a big weapons, like no weapons, and then guns. Tomahawk was one of them. Tomahawk, but they also had – Samurai. They also had nunchucks. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so I go –

I mean, how many ninjas are, you know what I mean? That's their job to sneak, right? And you'll hear, you'll see a smoke bomb and then they're in this overhead compartment. You know what I mean? And then I used to go, you cannot see me. That's a good joke. Yeah, that's a good joke. I did that tonight show. But they go, so then I remember them saying that and I remember going, I fucking hate the Sklar brothers. Yeah. For years. For how long? For like five years. Yeah. When I see the Sklar. But then when I got what they were saying-

And when I started doing what they were suggesting, I went, they were trying to help. Yeah. They were just trying to give you some tips. Or just a direction to go. You know who said the meanest thing about those guys? And I love them. They're great dudes. They're nice to me. I love them. The meanest thing. And they said this on stage. They said Dave Attell gave them the best and the worst meanest intro of all time. What was it? They brought up Attell. Attell was at the store. I love him. And they did very well. And then they bring up Dave.

Dave gets up there. You know, he's like already, he's like, he's like, uh, give it up for the Sklar brothers. And people start clapping. He goes, I didn't know boring came in stereo. Ha ha ha.

And they both were like, and I don't know, I can't remember if it was Randy or something. Jason was like, they were both like honored to get like shit on by him. Yeah. But also they were like, maybe he means it. Yeah. Because he's good like that. You know who makes, used to give me the worst intros? Who? Marc Maron. Oh, well, yeah. What the fuck? No, it got to the point. I could see him doing that on purpose to you. I had to say it.

That you were like, thanks for the shitty intro? No, I had to pull him aside and go, literally, I'm going to, I'll kill you.

I could kill you if you do that again. Yeah. He goes, what do you mean? I can't do it. What was it? This next guy gives you high energy because he wants you to like him. Fuck you. Right. And he's kind of a dancing clown. Fuck you. Right. So here comes Mr. Needy. Fuck you. Right. And I remember just pulling him aside and go, you know, you might be right.

I mean, you might be right. Sure. I might be needy. Yeah. I don't play a guitar or do props. But only your friends get to call you Mr. Needy. Yeah, but it's also, it's like there's certain theatrics that I do that maybe through time I'll let go of, but it's just not your job. You know, I give great intros.

You do. You give probably the best in the game. It is really funny for a comic to say someone else is needy. We're all fucking needy bitches. That's why we're on stage doing comedy. But then Mark, over the years after that, gave me the best intros. He said one of the nicest things I've ever heard in my life. What? We talk very sparingly, as Mark does. Mark's like that. And when I was on that I'm Dying of Beer show, the show had said they were going to submit me for consideration for an Emmy.

And I was like, why? Because you're a great actor. No, but I was like, that's a stupid idea. I don't even want to be in the idea of that world. Jules, we should watch the show he was on. No. It was on Showtime. No, but let me say... Let me just finish. And Eric Griffin's on it too. And Al Madrigal. But Jim Carrey produced it. Yeah. It was on Showtime. It just...

Came out a year ago. It got canceled. It doesn't matter. We should watch it. Anyway, but I'll say this. They said they were going to put me up for an Emmy. And honestly, genuinely, when they said that, I did tell my agent. I was like, I don't really want to do that because I know it's a political process. I don't want to do interviews and stuff. I don't really like that stuff. I'm not good at that. Right. And I'm not good at hiding my poker face. You're angry. How was the show? You're angry. I don't give a fuck. Why are we talking about it? I don't like it. So they said that. And then because Mark is on...

Why can't I think of the wrestling show? I'm so stupid. It's called Glow. Glow. And they're on Showtime as well. They're on Netflix. HBO? Netflix? Yeah, you're wrong. Whatever it is. It was at the same time that people were getting considered. And Mark came up to me out of nowhere. We always say hi, and that's kind of it. And he goes, hey, you're really good on that show. I said, oh, thanks, Mark. And he goes, I voted for you.

I voted for you. Really? I swore to God in my life. Yeah. I was like, seriously? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Later, man. And he left. And I remember I called my wife and I go, that's the nicest thing. Mark was like so out of nowhere because he doesn't really do that out of nowhere. He did that. Okay. A year ago, he came up to me. By the way, then I DM him. Yeah. Like a week later. Yeah. And I was like, hey, man, I just want to say like that. That was really awesome. Yeah. You did that. And he left me on scene.

Which is Mark being like, yeah, fuck you. He said to me last year, he goes, you're working a lot, right? I see you all the time working a lot. Yeah. I go, yeah, I'm working a lot. That's crazy. He goes, you deserve it. That's so nice. And when Mark does that, it just touches you. Yeah. Why don't you cry, bubble? I can't. Oh, okay. I can't do it. I tried. You can't? I have no feelings.

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Can you cry on cue, Ruud? No. She can't even talk this one. Try right now, though. Try to get emotional. Yeah, yeah. I can't. Imagine Bob just kicked you out of the house and he left you back on the street and you have to fend for yourself. Oh, back... I want to talk about that real quick, okay? So, Ed... Uh-oh. So, Ed from...

90 Day Fiance was dating. Are you going to put her up for bait? No, they're not seeing each other anymore. So he's single? He's single. So this is perfect bait. I think Rosemary said, he only gave me two things. I think he only did the show to get famous. I love it. I like him even more now. I love him more. So then I looked at Rudy and I went, for the team! For the team! For the team!

Fuck him for the team. You use her for bait? Forget to skin him on Tiger Belly. For Mayo Head Ed. Yeah. Why? You don't find him attractive? No. Say it in the mic. No. Why? He doesn't have a neck. That's true. He doesn't have a neck. He looks like a melting candle. God, it's so... I mean, look. I just... Come on. You know what I mean? It's so creepy. Everything about that thing is creepy to me. That show or him?

The show is... I love the show. It's still creepy, but he's really creepy. The fact that he's like...

Can I give you a kiss kiss? Oh, I know. Or also it's like, yeah, when he was giving her the foot massage. Gross. Any fucking guy that says, I give the best. You don't brag about your own skills. Nobody does that. Nobody brags about a foot massage, by the way. I give the best foot massage. When you say that, it's like, get the fuck away from my feet. But then they zoomed in on her leg and she had legs like hairy, hairy legs. That's cultural. She has hairy legs.

Yeah? But I shave. But when you lived in the Philippines, did you just grow it wild? Yeah. And when you got here, it was like... Is that super normal that no women shave their legs? What about armpits? Yeah, we don't. But doesn't it bother you to have hairy legs or no? It doesn't matter. Not really. Get closer to the mic, Jules. Not really. No? But armpits kind of bother you though, right? Yeah, hairy armpits?

Kind of, but when I lived in the Philippines, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, huh? Culturally, it doesn't matter. Do any women there shave legs and armpits or no? Some do, but... It's rare, huh? Yeah, it's rare. I guess they don't get like... But I would imagine you don't get that much. You don't get thick hair, right? Yeah. Yeah, no. I imagine your legs don't get like... Asian hair tends to be very thin like that. Yeah. Like your leg hair. You don't have thick leg hair. They're like gookie monkeys. There it is. Yeah.

It is funny that the women don't shave their legs, but so many of the men there do. Isn't that funny? The men shave their legs, right? There's men that love shaving their legs. Dude, can you believe this? Look at this. Somebody sent this to me today. Harvey Weinstein says he's free of coronavirus symptoms. This fat piece of shit who walks around debilitated with a fucking walker said he beat the virus. That doesn't make you mad?

Doesn't that blow your fucking – that's how you know that they've got a cure. That's how you know. How the fuck does this fat blob slob piece of – this guy. But you know that that's an act, right? Even if. That still looks like he should be gone. I understand that, but the thing is he – No, this whole feel bad for me thing, yeah, I'm in a walker. It's an act. Yeah, that's a complete act. He's not as frail as –

And who is this character behind him from Guess Who? Who's this guy from... What the fuck is that? Yeah. No, I know this is an act. I know this is an act. Okay, I know dudes like that. So the guy that owns Mad TV...

What do you mean, the guy that started? No, he's a big kind of old Hollywood mogul. His name is David Salzman. Do you know him? David Salzman. Yeah. It sounds familiar. He used to produce, back in the day, Dallas, Judge Judy. He also was partners with Quincy Jones for many, many years. The greatest producer in the history of music. Right. So David Salzman, he still hangs out with the Laugh Factory. He's like this old— How old is he?

He's older than him. He's only 68. Yeah, but David Salzy has got to be in his 70s, right? Right. But Salzy, if you fucking touch his legs, I always grab his groin and his thighs and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's literally like

Made out of cement. He's as hard as a rock. He's so strong. Solid. Right? So I think that like old Hollywood moguls like Salzman, I think Weinstein's in that way. Really? Yeah. They look frail, but they're super – like they do shit at night that we're not aware of. Right. They fucking do matzo ball fucking – you know what I mean? Matzo ball? Whatever the doobie doobies. Man!

They lift matzo balls for whatever. I don't know. Welcome to the Jewish. Yeah, but I know what you mean. You think you this is an act. But still, though, dude, the fact that he beat it, the fact that he beat it and guys like like this, like look at this kid, Washington State, this football player, 22 years old in great shape and he dies. That's how you know something's going on. No, I think there's a cure. Dude, if you're rich enough, they got it.

If you're rich enough, they got it. You think, though? How do you think magic beat AIDS before everybody else? He didn't beat it. Yeah, he did. It's undetected. HIV is undetectable in his blood. But it's still within him. No, it's undetectable in his blood. They literally can't detect it. And now...

Now, they have two people that they've completely, quote unquote, cured undetectable, but it took them 20 years. It's like these serial killers that find Jesus and they find Jesus in jail. Yeah. And they go, yeah, I'm saved. Yeah. No matter what. I don't give a fine. I believe that, right? Yeah. But deep down inside. They're not saved. Yeah. There's something going on. Do you think if you got really sick, you'd find Jesus? No? No. No.

I can't – just because of the crusades and just because of just their ideology and their – You didn't have any religion growing up anyway. Not really, no. But so I know –

I know, I know. I know, I know. I know the church. Let me ask this, though. You know how, like, whites always have white Jesus in Catholic churches? Black people have black Jesus sometimes in their church. Do Asians have Asian Jesus? Buddha. No, but I'm saying, is there ever Jesus that's Asian-ed out? No, like— If you walk into a church in Korea— The number one religion in Korea is Christianity. I don't know if you know this. Yes, I do. It is. And if you look at their Jesus, right, it's not like—

So funny though. It's the white one. Up on the cross like this. Behind the pulpit. But they use the white one. That's my point. In black churches, they will use a black Jesus. No, they use the white one. Why? Because I think... It's the safe one? I don't know. I think Asians secretly, they admire whites. Not all of them.

I think they're on the same kind of – there's some oppressing going on. Right. Right. And capitalism is their number one thing really. In Asia? In Korea, yeah. In China? Obviously. Capitalism runs the rules. Yeah. So what they have like a – they're okay with white Jesus. Yeah. It's like I know so many Korean chicks that –

are married to white dudes, but if they were married to a Vietnamese dude or any other person... Mom and dad would lose it. They would disown them. Wow. My cousin... God, I don't want to say this out loud. Say it. Eddie married a Vietnamese woman. She's really nice. I love her. What's her name? Yeah. It doesn't matter. He married a Vietnamese girl. Tran. Tran. Tran. Tran.

And my uncle and I, who I love, Jaganappa and Jaganomma. Jaganappa. And Jaganomma. They didn't go to the wedding. No. Yeah. Because she was Vietnamese.

Really? We may have to cut that part out. Nah, leave it. It's pretty personal. But it's real. It is pretty real, yeah. They didn't go to the wedding. That's kind of harsh. Yeah, so I remember just growing up getting in fights with my parents about all that stuff. Like, did your parents ever tell you if you marry a nun? If you, if you. There it is. If you gay, if you gay, I'll rip your dick off. Yeah. And like you're eating Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah.

I didn't say anything about Ben Kay. Yeah. He would just make these statements. If your girlfriend is a black, I kill everybody. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then you hear stuff like that. But then as you get older, you go, what? That's crazy. Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? We're all the same. But for them. But then they would change. So when Obama ran for president the first time, we are going to vote for Trump.

Who is it? The guy that he's running against. Not McCain. Was it McCain? Yeah. John McCain. McCain. Because we live here in Arizona. And I'm like, no, you're voting for Obama. OK. I mean, they were like. They just would. They would just do what I would say. Because they realize at some point your parents kind of realize that you might not. You might know more than them. Yeah. Also, they know that I will be like, you know, it's like, you know, you'll be alive when they're gone. It's not even that. It's like I really believe this.

I know a lot of white kids, right? Right here. I know, but you're not this kind. Okay. White kids, yeah, my parents are huge, MAGA, MAGA, MAGA. You know what I mean? And I'm like, oh, but you're not. Yeah, man, it's crazy. It's like that point of view is crazy. I go, but how do you – it's your job to change them. Yeah, but a lot of – Like your parents, what are they? That's hard. I think they're traditionally conservative people.

But they're not MAGA MAGA people. But they voted for him? No. Okay. I mean, I don't know. You've never asked? Not really. But I just—we make fun of them so much that I just figured we're on the same page. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, my Twitter with my—or my text with my parents and my sister? Yeah. It's us just sending Trump clips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're traditionally conservative people. Yeah, so are my parents. But it's like, you know—

I just try to sway their, you know. Like my mom, I told my mom, like, because I like because I like Pete Buttigieg. She liked him, too. Yeah. I gay veteran. I thought that was a good liberal. If you're going to have a liberal candidate, I was like, get a gay fucking veteran. Yeah. A guy who sucks cock and shoots guns. Yeah, that's the one. Get him in there. I thought he was. I think he was too young. People don't like young guys. For some reason, this country is obsessed with old. What is our why do we like old guys to be a president? Why can't it just be someone young?

Because I think that it's because you're like, he's been around because George Washington wore that white wig. Yeah. And he looked like he's a 90 year old angel. That's because he was bald. I know. My point, though, is, is that it always they always had like, you know, older dudes through generations because it feels like we know more than you. Yeah, but they don't know. No shit. Yeah. No shit. Because look at Canadians guy.

Who's Canadian? Oh, Trudeau? Yeah. He's a young guy. Young guy. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can tell he's just power fucks. He power fucks. Yeah. Yeah. Like, tat, tat, tat, right? Like, hard. You know what I mean? Whereas Trump looks like he does sloppy fucking. Like, you hear this noise. You know what I mean? And then, I'm done. Yeah. Right? He goes, I'm going to, wait till you feel this, hold on. Yeah. Yeah.

And then it's done. I'm done. And it's like in her belly button. Yeah. Melania's belly button. And she's like, this feels good to me. And I am liking this. Yeah. That poor fucking robot slave. Look at this. I want to bring up this article. I wanted you to see this. This is really sad. I got a couple of news pieces I want to share with you. New York man and girlfriend quarantined in Mexico are shot and killed. This is why we're at the fucking bottom of journalism right now. By the way, you want to know why we're at the butt bottom of journalism? Okay. Okay.

This Minnie Vonnie Burke out of NBC News, look what she did. New York man and girlfriend quarantined in Mexico, shot and killed. Okay, this is really sad. He goes down to Mexico to quarantine with this woman he loves, right? Police say 20 gunshots fired at the vehicle. Nobody's been arrested, all right? He met Baca, a physical education teacher, in Juarez during a trip to Texas. He goes down there to quarantine. He was a good dude, his friend said. This one really fucked me up.

Another friend, Adam Howe, said Landers had been in Mexico for about three weeks and the last time the two spoke was a few days before his death. Howe said Landers told him he was trying to learn Spanish and joked about gaining weight from eating too many churros. Why the fuck is that in an article about a guy who got shot 20 times? Why the fuck is there a joke? Trying to learn Spanish, he was eating too many churros. Anyway, he's fucking dead. Why is that the joke they put in there? It might not be a joke. What if that's real?

Why would that be the thing? Okay. That's information I want to know. Ready? I'm NBC News. Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Who am I playing? You. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello. Hi, is this Bobby Lee? Yeah. Hey, Bob, we have some terrible news to tell you. A friend of yours, a guy who you do a podcast with, Andrew Santino, was brutally gunned down and murdered. Ooh, what? Yeah, in Mexico, in Juarez. He was killed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, yeah. Can we get a quote from you, please? What can we say about him? What can you say about him? Uh.

What I like about him, he doesn't look good at shorts. Okay, he doesn't look good at shorts. Yeah, he's got thick, orangey, thick, orangey, jungly eyebrows. Well, he used to because they shot his head clean off his body. About 150 bullets through his face. Oh my God. Yeah. And then his skin's so pinkish. Okay, thank you, Bob. Yeah, that's what I would say. That would be the quote? His skin's so pinkish? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and he liked to drink beer.

I don't like beer. I don't know. I would just make it up. So that's what this guy did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would just make it up. He's like, brother's getting away from eating churros. And they're like, no, he's dead. He's like, okay. I would say he probably deserved it. That's what you would say? Yeah. Let me ask you that. I'll be the reporter. Okay. Be real, though. Okay. You know what? You're right. You're right. You know what? You're right. You're right. No, I'm going to be real. I want to do a real one, too, now. Okay. Okay.

I'll do, okay, I'll call you, but then I want to do a real one too. Okay. Let's be as real as we can. Okay, call me. But if you're not real, I'll know. Okay. Okay. All right. Vring, vring, vring, vring. There's no number. Vring, vring, vring, vring. Block. I'll call it again. Vring. Oh, it went right to voicemail.

Okay, here. Hello? That's it. Hello? Who's this? Hey! No, we don't want any. No, I'm a reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer. Oh my god, okay. What? Why? Yeah, so anyway, we just got some startling news, and we just wanted to get a quote from you. You're a guy that you are associated with. I'm sorry, I'm a what? What is he to me? He's somebody that you work with. Oh my god, who? Bobby Lee.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, they just found parts of his body just... He's dead. They chopped him up and they put him in a dumpster. Jesus. And one dumpster was in front of a... Behind a PF Chang. The other one was behind a Panda Express. We have no idea what the connection is. Why are you laughing, sir? I'm not. Yeah. And they found his foot in Alejandro's desk. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. That's terrible. Yeah. So how do you feel?

Do you have any quotes? Yeah, I got a couple of quotes. I mean, just off the top of my head, I guess a fork in the road emerged and I took the one less traveled. No, I really do. I love Bobby very much. It doesn't sound you're emotional. No, no, no. I mean it. I mean it. I mean it. I did love him very much. He was great. He was a wonderful dude, a very, very good comic. And I'm going to miss him very much. And I think it's sad. I think it's sad that he's gone now and...

Can never really tell his truth. But, you know, what's that? What's that? What's his truth? Is that what you said? Yeah. Because let me say something. He was into bestiality. He had sex with all of his animals. Okay. Put that in the paper. That's how they reverse sneeze. They begin reverse sneezing when you put your pippa in their butt. That's how they reverse sneeze. Uh-huh.

I would be so sad if you were gone. But that's not real, man. Yeah, I'd be so sad if you were gone. Yeah. I don't want... I would literally just be like... I would literally just be like... What? But you'd still be playing... Yeah, I'd be playing, yeah, yeah. Witcher 3. You're trying to upgrade my armor. By the way, somebody told us that Witcher was on your phone or Stardew was on your phone. You said, no, it's not. Yeah, it is. Yeah, but it's not the kind of...

Don't get mad at them. The version on your phone can't be as complex as the actual console one, okay? Okay. Tell me about this. Hold on. Police show photos...

Crystal Meth in hotel room where Andrew Gilliam was found. Andrew Gilliam is the guy who's running for former Democratic candidate for Florida governor. This guy, this party boy, dude. Check this out. This is my favorite shit. Crystal Meth was found in there. Look at this shit. Dyson said he was a porn star performer solicited business as a gay male escort party. But look at how many drugs. Look at how fun this is. Here's what was in there.

Citalopram, Gablifantin, Xanax, a vial-containing mixture of papiravine, fentilamine, aloprazidil, and a combo used to treat erectile dysfunction. Oh, my God. Do you know what any of those are except for Xanax? I know what Xanax is. I know what—no, I don't know any of them. Fentilamine. Fentilamine. Adiprazidil. Yeah. Aloprazidil. Yeah.

Oh, this is a combination you used to treat, but all these they put together to treat limp dick. Yeah, that probably – well, it's not because he has mental disorder. It's that meth affects your – Yeah, you're able to fuck like a champ. You can fuck, but it's difficult to get hard when you're on meth.

So these things combined get you hard? It's like when people do like, you know, people drink and they get sleepy. Yeah. So they combined it with cocaine or they put, you know, they drink vodka, Red Bull. Vodka, Red Bull. Yeah, something like that to even out. I know, but that sounds like a lot of cocktail of drugs to like even out one. Did he die?

No, dude, he's alive. Oh, he is. This guy's alive. Why is it news? They busted him with because they released all these photos of meth. They were like, what happened to this guy who's running for governor? He got busted in a hotel room. He said he was at a wedding. That's my favorite thing is when they were like, oh, no, I was just at a wedding having some fun. I ended up in a hotel room. None of that stuff is mine. Look at all these fucking pills.

Dude, my neighbor used to throw pill parties in West Hollywood hard. I love pill parties. But not like this, dude. You didn't like it like this. Ask Joey Diaz. No, no. What I'm telling you is he would have gay methed out fucks fuck pill parties. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Okay.

He would know shit all hours of the night. He would have guys coming and going and coming and going by the dozens. I mean, dude would be coming and going and they would be fucking and partying till five, six, seven, eight in the morning. I love that. And the only reason I know is because I would come home late from the store and I'd see them and he kind of had a few moments with me like, hey, you're cool, right? Like, you're not a snitch. And I was like, yeah, I'm not a snitch. I just don't want...

I don't want people coming at 5 in the morning. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, 2 a.m. is fine. Look, let me say this. This is my PSA. If you live in a gay neighborhood and you want meth fuck parties, that's chill. But on weeknights...

Can you keep it to like 3 a.m., 4 a.m.? I know. Don't do 6 a.m. I can hear you guys fucking and banging. The slapping. It's the snorting and slapping, by the way. Because I was the only straight guy in my complex. And you know what? My old Italian landlord, the funniest thing on earth, when I go to look at the apartment, she's Nunzia. That was her name. She goes, you're a Santino. I said, yeah, I'm Santino. She goes, you're not Italiano. No.

I said, no, no, no, I am. My father is. My mother's Irish. She goes, oh, only half. And I said, yes, only half. And she goes, okay. Well, here is the apartment. And I go, oh, this is really nice. And I look around and I like it. And I go, this is pretty great. I would love to take this apartment. And she goes, I'm not kidding. She goes, are you a gay? And I was like, no, I'm not gay. And she goes, really? Yeah.

Yeah. That's good. Yeah, but you seem gay to your people. Probably. Yeah. And then I said, no, I'm not gay. And she goes, yeah, everyone here is gay. Okay.

It's in the middle of West Hollywood. Yeah. I go, yeah, no, I like the neighborhood. It's close to comedy clubs. That's where I work. So I want to stay close to comedy clubs. And she goes, okay, good. Well, this is good for you. This apartment is good for you. It's good for me. You seem nice. And I was like, God, I can't believe somebody would give this apartment up. Not making this up. This is a fact. I have proof of this. She goes, the man who lived here before, he died. Yeah. And I go, oh, really? Oh, my God, that's terrible. Was he an older man? She goes, no, he was young. He had AIDS. Yeah.

She said it like... Like, matter of fact? No big deal. Yeah, yeah. He was young. He had AIDS. So the laundry key is over there. I mean, it was no big deal to her. And so she... Because you have to disclose to you if somebody dies in the apartment. You know this? Yeah, I know that. Yeah. He died in the apartment of AIDS. I had an AIDS ghost. Yeah. I had an AIDS ghost. Yeah, my... You know La Jolla? Yeah. You know the condo? Oh, yeah. Do you ever stay in that condo? All the time. I mean...

Back then. Back in the day. Yeah. When we were struggling. And there is etched into one of the cabinets is Bobby Lee as a homo. Somebody wrote that in there. Probably. Is that really? Yeah. That's etched in there in one of the drawers or whatever. Maybe. Yeah. Not. But in the late 90s, I used to emcee there and Mitzi paired me up with Stephen Moore. I don't know who that is. You don't know him. No. He has HIV. He has HIV.

And another gay guy named Brian Bradley. You don't know him. And Brian Bradley used to do an improv troupe with Robin Williams. Wow. So they all come from the zoo in San Francisco. So anyway, Brian Bradley, and we're in the condo late at night. And they go, you want to hear a story about this condo? And I go, yeah, I like history. And they're like, in 82, right, Stephen, you were there? Steve goes, yeah, I was there. We had about 150 men here.

And we did a 150-man train in sync, like through the rooms. They were just like, what's that movie where you- The Human Centipede, but a very long centipede. Right, yeah, very long. What is a centipede? A gubillipede? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he goes, yeah. And we would just like, we would say out loud, pump. And they would all pump together, right? Pump. No. And they would all pump together, right? It was just like a wave of dicks going in and out. We got so drunk that it was just, we just came all over everything, all over the sheets and the, right? And I remember the next night I didn't stay there. I would have slept on the fucking beach. Yeah. It was like, I couldn't touch anything. That place, well, that place used to be the dirtiest place. When it was blue. Oh, you're there when it was blue? With carpet. It's cum.

It's 20-year-old cum. Yeah, it was – wow. Yeah. I mean – What? Fun. Oh my god. If I was gay and I was there, I would have been in the middle. No. Yeah, I would have been in the middle of the train. See, I think you're closer to the back.

What does it matter? They need someone who's low to the ground, who's got good center of gravity to push the train forward. The caboose is always the strongest. And you got a little... I don't know if I was... I might not like the anal part of it. I want to be the one.

So I'll be the caboose at the very end. So I have no one in back of me. That's what I'm saying. You give. You don't receive. I'll be the one yelling out to everybody. Three, two, one. Pump. Pump. Right? Three, two, one. We're all pumped together. Right? And then, hey, Bobby, you want to get in the middle? No, no, no. I'm the caboose. You know what I mean? And Andrew's in the front. No, I'm in the dead middle. I want it both.

That's you would. Yeah, you would only give you wouldn't receive the human centipede. What? What? How great? What do you mean? How awesome? You see the human centipede? Oh, my God.

What it is is these – if you haven't seen it, you should see it. Yeah. By the way, all the criticism that we get from the show that's saying Rudy's too young to hear any of this stuff, Tito Bobby is the one that elicits all this information to her. And she's also 18 years old. Yeah, and it's still quite young. It's still quite young. She's right on the cusp of being far too young. It doesn't matter. You know the term barely legal? She's ready. Yeah, she's ready. She's ready. Sure. Yeah, go ahead. It's a movie called – It's your family. It's a real movie. It's a real movie.

I forget the gist, but it's these two girls that are out in Europe partying. And they get captured by some German surgeon. It's always Nazis. Yeah, some crazy German surgeon. And basically what they do is he does is he surgically puts one of the woman's mouth tied to a Japanese man's asshole.

Right? So she's like, like just surgically his asshole. Sewed. Like sewed. Yeah. And then her friend is in the back of her surgically, right? And they walk around like a human centipede. Isn't that what, just the gist of it? That's it. Yeah. You like that? You like that? Rude? Is that cool? No. And then the Japanese guy's the smartest one. Of course. I remember he went, oh, fuck this. I cannot live like this anymore. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

I have a human being and he took some glass and he killed himself yeah he knew better I would kill myself too hey speaking of gay stuff can I show you something you know Theo you know Theo Vaughn we know Theo Vaughn you know Theo Vaughn hey man you know Theo Vaughn I love Theo yeah hey man one of my besties yep

Theo has a producer, Gianni. Do you know Gianni Paolo? I love him. He's done my podcast. Sexy dude, right? Love him. Good actor. So he was joking around with me, and we were supposed to do something for him today, but we didn't do it. But he was joking around with me and was like, you know, I'm gay, stuff like that. And I was like, okay. Gianni's gay? I don't—well, look, he sent me this, and you tell me. Okay. Tell me if this is gay. This is a real dildo, Santino. Okay.

I'm gayer.

Oh, you know what I just saw? I'm gayer. You know what I just saw? What is he doing? He did the work. What do you mean? He started going up and down. He bounces. Yeah. So he knows what he's doing. I like it when the girls do that. If I do the work, I don't like it. When you push up? Yeah. Yeah. He does the work. Is that a big problem? Here I am again. There you are. When you push up, you don't like pushing up? When Kalala's on top of me, what I do is I go, I'll whisper in her ear. This is so intimate.

You do it. And she goes, you want me to do it? And she just like, you know, her ass, she'll go. And I'll just be like, I'll just be like, oh, Jesus. Rudy, put, close your ears. Here we go. Oh, man. Here we are. Yeah, that time. I don't give a fuck. It's quarantine. And it's like. Are you guys going nuts because of it? Hey, tell me this, though. Are you, you talked about your dreams at the beginning. I'm interested for real. Do you have, have you been having like violent dreams?

I've had really weird, weird dreams, but not negative. They're not violent. They just, you know, it's like they just don't make any really sense. Give me. Today, last night, I had a dream where we received vampire eggs. Oh, yeah. I sent those to you.

No. And then I remember going, what are these? And then Kalilah going in the dream, they're vampire eggs. Yeah. And I go, is it the chicken that's the vampire or human? I don't get it. The human beings? And then we cut to, we live in a stone house. This is not funny because I'm just telling you exactly. I want to hear it. Yeah. So we live in a stone house, which is not what our house looks like. And I remember being in this gigantic kind of garden-y backyard. Yeah. And I'm somehow behind a bush smoking. Yeah.

And Kalilah – Were you squatting? Yeah. Squat smoking. And Kalilah's talking to some scientist or biologist about vampire eggs. Oh, wow. And then he starts going into a story about some Puerto Rican girl who lost her – all her money or something. And then I remember thinking to myself, we have this wooden vacuum cleaner that I found. Wow.

It's like an ancient wooden vacuum cleaner that we found. And then I remember thinking to myself, should we give it to the Puerto Rican girl for her to sell so that she can make the money? So it all shifted to the wooden vacuum cleaner. Well, that is the focus, yeah. Right, and then all of a sudden, that was it. That was a dream. What do you think that means? I don't know, but when I woke up, you know, when you have a dream like that, you wake up and you go, did that make any sense?

Yeah, but I like it. Yeah, but it's like just abstract and weird. Wooden vacuum cleaner must mean something. It wasn't – yeah, it was a vacuum cleaner, but it was like in a wooden kind of bamboo thing, and you would lift it up. It was solid wood, but it was ancient. Yeah. Like back in the day, that's what they used.

Is it what they used? I don't know. Yeah, I don't – But that was it. And then the vampire eggs went away. They disappeared? It just wasn't in a part of the dream anymore. It was like almost as like part two of a movie and then the second one didn't make any sense. I had one of those where I kept entering different rooms the other day. You know when you like walk – I walked into a room. In my head, it was in my house, but it looked nothing like my house. It looked like an old – you know like a –

Do you remember the first season of Westworld? Oh, loved it. Remember the house that she lives in? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like that, like out in the middle of nowhere. But I remember thinking I had to get in one of the rooms to find my dog. I was like, that's where my dog is. Yeah, yeah. And when I walked into the room...

in the house no dog no room i'm not i'm not there at all i'm like outside of a storefront and it's raining and there's like a and i'm underneath the awning and i'm looking out suspiciously because i think something's chasing me yeah yeah but like i wish i could wake myself up and be like where's the the dog is still gone i lost the fuck i wanted to see the dog get to the storefront i have no idea but it was rain it was pouring down rain and i think that it was from and i said this when i woke up i said you know what the storefront felt like the night i hit a guy with my car

Maybe it was my brain re-accessing that. I hit a guy with my car when it was pouring rain in LA. I'm not one of those that believe that dreams... Tie into reality? Yeah, there's a sort of subconscious thing. What do you mean? That's literally what it is. It's your brain firing synapses, going back and forth and gathering pieces. Or it could be my brain. There's like a little David Lynch in my brain. There is a little David Lynch. I want to direct a movie. You're a David Lynch in your own brain. Yeah, well, whatever, right? Yeah, but I'm saying it takes pieces of reality to create... Okay, number one, I've never... I don't know what a vampire egg is. Yes, you do.

That's never been a thing. A vampire egg? It's absolutely a thing. Vampires lay eggs. How do you think you get more vampires? Rudy, please. Rudy, please. Yeah, but you're taking pieces of things from your life. Yeah, but that doesn't make... I don't know anything about that. Do you play any video games with vampires in them? Oh, you know what's so funny? In Stardew Valley, there is an egg. They're called void eggs. And that's what the eggs look like.

Like vampire eggs. Yes. They were black. They're black eggs with like red, like it's kind of glowing. Yeah. So maybe that's where I got that from. That's right. They come from somewhere. Right. But then the wooden vacuum cleaner, I don't know. Well, I think you wish you were. Okay. I would say it's because you wish you were cleaner. You wish you could clean better. I don't know, man. It's a stretch. And you're Asian, so it's bamboo, wooden. Yeah. And I think that's got to be something there. Yeah.

Dreams are a reflection of some part of our reality. Rudy, do you have crazy dreams? Yeah. You do? Yeah. She's not going to explain any of them. It's going to be one word. It's fine. Explain a dream that you had. Give us a dream. It's mostly violent. Get closer to the fucking mic. It's mostly violent. Violent? Yeah, like what? Get closer to the mic. Don't back away. Like me killing people. Whoa, really? Really? Yeah. Take the mic from the thing so you can hold it. That way it doesn't have to be in that stand. You can take it out. Yeah, yeah.

Rip it. She doesn't know how to do it. Just pull it out. Just get closer to the mic, all right? Okay. So wait, tell me. Don't get close to the mic. Don't go away. You killed somebody? Tell us. Yeah. Don't sway your mic. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is. She's like swaying her fucking thing because she doesn't want to talk. Here, pull up on it. Just pull up. It'll come out. Just pull up on the mic. It'll come right out of that stand. There you go. Yeah. There you go. Tell us. Yeah. I don't know. I just...

I'm in a place and then I see a lot of people. Yeah. And then I just see a knife and then I just start stabbing. You just stab random people? Yeah. Why? Why are you doing that? I don't know. Do you feel like remorse or anger as you're doing it? Like, are you mad when you're doing it? You're just doing it. Why am I doing this? I don't want to do it. I'm like, happy. You're happy you're killing people? All right, put the mic back on the thing. Put the mic back on the thing. Oh, my God.

What are you Googling? Why do I kill in my dreams? I want to know what's wrong. Dreams? Okay, look. Dreams of murder may signal real-life aggression. People who dream about murder may be more aggressive during waking hours. Controversial new study finds the researchers have found that people who dream of killing others tend to be hostile, introverted, and often don't get along with others when they're awake. Well, I have to say this. She is a little introverted in the house. But are you hostile? Is she hostile? No, she's the kindest girl. You know, so we think. No, no, no. At night, I have my five-in-the-morning meal.

And it's usually a greasy pan with meat stuck to the pan. And she wakes up to this chaos, like a mad scientist made a meat pie. Gross. And every morning, I don't ask her. She just cleans it. That's really nice. She does all the dishes. She wipes down counters. This is what this is. As she's cleaning, she's like, I'm going to kill Bobby one day. Tell me another dream so we can try to dissect where it's coming from. Because you're not an angry person.

What's another dream that you've had? It's not really happy dreams. Oh, no. Are they always sad? Yeah. And like someone is chasing me. Wow. Who's chasing you? Who's chasing you? It's like a tall, it's like a slender man. Oh, slender man is chasing you.

Why am I being chased in my dreams? Let's find out what this one says. If you're dreaming about being chased, it generally means you are avoiding an issue or a person. Your subconscious is telling you you need to confront the issue or the person in order to get on with your life. Look at that. There's a Slenderman right there. That's you getting chased by Slenderman. One of the most important factors in a dream is where you're being chased or who is chasing you. Where are they chasing you?

I don't know. It's just like woods or a road. The woods. The woods or a road. The woods. Yeah. And where are you going to? Do they ever get you? No, but I'm stuck. Like you can't get up? Yeah. Oh, I hate those. I hate the slow running. Oh, God. I want to run fast, but you're going so slow. Have you ever punched in your dream? Oh, yeah, yeah. And you can't punch? It feels like you're punching through Jell-O? Does that happen to you?

No? No. So when you stab, can you stab at your own rate or is it like slow? Slow. It's slow. But it doesn't feel like it's resistance. It feels like you can actually stab them. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. You have like a little demon human in your house. You might have to go back to the Philippines. What do you think? How much are flights to the Philippines right now do you think? I don't think you can get there. Really? It's not even that. You don't think we can book a flight? If she wants to come back, she's not going to be able to come back. But do you think we can book her the flight from LA to the Philippines? To the Philippines.

Look, LAX to the Philippines. Let's see what we've got on the docket. To Manila, nonstop for $900. She lives in Cebu. Doesn't matter. She can walk. There's an island, you fuck. Oh, really? You can't walk to an island? You walk to the end and then you swim to the next island. We could put you on Korean Air. One stop. Yeah. $844. Should we buy it right now?

No, no, no. Oh, no, this is a return. We don't want her to come back. Andrew, the problem is because of the present that we have, her coming back to America if she wants to come back to go back to school, she's not going to be able to do it, especially during the quarantine. I don't like little Filipinos. You can't come back. Why is it so hard in here now?

Because it's 98 degrees outside today. It is, yeah? Yeah. We can't put the air con on? We're going to put the air on in a second because I think we can hear it. I want to elicit a competition for everybody because Bobby brags about his house and somebody hit me up online and was like, Bobby always brags about his house. What does it look like? Show your house. I said, Bobby's obviously never going to show his house. That would be foolish. When did I brag about my house?

Just last episode, you were like, I got a big, everyone knows. I'm kidding. I'm going to be honest with you. I want everybody to draw. I want someone to draw a 3D drawing. I'm going to be completely honest with you, right? You went to Sebastian's house, right, Rudy? Maniscalco's house. Oh, my God. How big was that house? Very big. Very big, right? Yeah, it's like $50 million or something. Right, so let me ask you something, right?

How many times bigger you think Sebastian house than ours? Ten times. Ten times. Ten times. This is coming from a murderer, by the way. No, no, no. Whitney Cummings. Yeah, bigger. Her house is probably five or six times bigger than my house. Yeah, it's very big. Dahlia's five or six times bigger. Dahlia has seven houses now.

I know, so that was my point. I have one fucking house. One nice house. It's okay. It's an average house. I want people to draw the house what they think it looks like. So people, send in your drawings to what you think it looks like at badfriendsmail at gmail.com because I really want to see what they think your house looks like. What does your house look like? Extremely modest. Ranch. It's just a one... How many bedrooms? Seventeen. No, how many bedrooms? Three. Ours is three as well. How many bathrooms? Three. Ours is three as well. You have four bathrooms, Kalilah said. Three. Three.

Right? Three. Three. Pool? Hot tub? We have a pool. Do you have a pool? Yeah. Yeah. Same as yours. Okay. All right. But you're on the Hollywood Hills. All right. Look, people, send in your drawings. I want to see what you guys think the house looks like. And also, if anybody out there knows what dreams mean, can you please let us know what's wrong with Rudy's dreams and we can dissect them next week because I really want to find out. I love you. Say goodbye. Ready? Thank you for being a bad friend.