Life Of Poon
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- How do I not get a call from any of you saying, "Hey, we are doing a show. It's official." - 'Cause we're scared because- - What do you mean? Oh, the cartoon? - Yeah. - 'Cause it's 30 years away. - We tell the people in our ecosystem first and then we go outside of that like the mailman. - And then after those guys, then you hear. - Yeah, then you hear. - You hear about Third. - Mailman, Third Cousins, right?

I've never heard it in the- I got a student of mine to text me, hey, I saw this in the press. Congratulations on the show. Well, let me tell you something. We didn't know that they were going to put a release out that day. They were asking us about it, called Bobby six times, wouldn't answer the phone. I said, where were you all day? And then he goes- Stardew Valley, Farmington. Unbelievable. Farming? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a picture of the kids right there. There's us three. How funny is my insert? I got to tell you, it actually looks nice. You're not in that. That's your real, right? Yeah, it's real, but I'm not in the actual photo.

Oh, they put you in there. Oh, I see. That's because of what's going on overseas right now. Yeah. We can't have a photo of you. I know you're pro-Israel, but don't read the comments. Don't read the comments. Yeah, don't read the comments about it. Let me ask. Oh, God damn it. Go ahead, buddy. The roly-poly farms a lot in this show? Yeah, that's all he does. By the way. Wait, you just call me roly-poly? Okay.

You are a roly poly. I just read it. Yeah, in the show, not in real life. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know. You're right. Let's hear the question. Yeah, let's hear it. Get to it. Sorry. What was it? What's the question? Well, Nick... No, I could talk last night. Nick Reese. Christ.

Kreese. Kreese? Yeah. Don't worry about it. Until we get the show off the ground, it's Kreese. Yeah, yeah. I'm waiting for me. Hey, Kreese. I've been calling you Kreese for years. For 15 years. And you never corrected me. No, no, no. I hate when that happens. That's your fault. You've definitely been corrected. You just don't absorb it. Hey, Billy. It's Biley. I've been calling you Billy for 15 years. You know what I mean? I don't like that. You call Biley Smiley Billy? Yeah. That's insane. All right. So...

Nick and I were talking last night. Can I ask you a question? When I talk to you on the phone, you seem like you want to get off real quick. No, I'm worried about the same thing with you. Yeah, you do want to get off the phone. I'm a moment guy. Everyone knows that. Yeah, you're on the phone for a moment and then you want to hang up. No, I live in the moment. Yeah, yeah. I'm present. I live in the moment and listen to everything you're saying. But you're like, all right, come on, hurry up. And I don't like that. That's projection. It is projection. Yeah, you're right. Dude, you're so smart.

Why we got him. Christ. Huh? Yeah. I love it. So there he is. Oh, that's when I did At Midnight, the original At Midnight. I did it too. You did? Yeah. How many times did you do it? Three or four times. Yeah. Did you win ever? Never. Yeah, never won. I don't think I won once. Like Family Feud. Oh, with Tim Simons. Yeah, yeah. And Arden. He's tall, huh? Yeah.

Look how cool I am. Anyway, um... Look at how short you are. You're shorter than Arden fucking Mirren. Shut the fuck up, dude. She's like 4'2". I know. She's so tiny.

That's insane to be tiny. All right, guys. Look, Tim Simons is 6'6". Yeah, he's tall. But still, you're smaller than Arden, who is a tiny, tiny person. Let's move on. Let's move on from that. No problem. Your problem. No, this is... You know what your problem is? What's my problem? I'll tell you what my problem is. When the movers unscrewed the TV stand... Oh, here we go. They lost the screws. So now, I have a TV on the floor, and I sit on the floor...

That's what you call geek squad, dude. Oh, you mean the Best Buy guys? No, not calling geek squad. No, I just can't get screws right that fit. That's me with a case of Natty Light. No furniture. Imagine you live in that apartment. Oh my God. That was the used to be my life. But I got a word to the wise. Wise of the word. If you got extra trash, don't call Got Junk. Call Los Angeles Sanitation Department.

all you have to do is put in a request and they'll pick it up. Yep. I just paid gut travel. You don't even have to pay for that. They'll just pick it up. You just have to let them know you have more shit. And I was like, that's all I had to do all these years? You know who I call? Huh? Precore. He eats it. Precore. He eats it. I'm hungry. Oh, I got a question. I posted on Instagram this morning. This is a real poll. I haven't thought about this in a long time, but I had a cup of coffee and I know mid cup, I'm gonna poop. It's about half a cup and I have to poop.

What's your number? How much of a cup of coffee do you have to poop? If I have buffalo mozzarella. Buffalo. Right? With a cup of coffee? With a cup of coffee, dude. Oh, that's standard. Bro, bro, bro. It's what you went through last week. It's instantaneous. Diarrhea. Because the poll is in right now so far. We've got 41% of people say that before they finish a cup of coffee, they have to shit. 36% say within an hour. Yeah. Do you go-

Right away. Well, that's IBS stuff. IBS. I don't mean to brag, but I have IBS. Do you have Crohn's disease? No, I wish. What's IBF? IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. He's Jewish. You know when you guys are born, you know how we all get vaccinations and all that stuff for tetanus? Do they give Jewish kids IBS? They give it to them in the hospital. It's a requirement. You can't leave without it. Can't leave without it. IBS.

I did my 23 to me and I'm 100% IBS. I'm serious about the coffee thing. What is it? I can't finish a cup. I got to go. Sometimes I bring the cup in the bathroom, which is just a Red Bull.

That's what I do. What is Red Bull, bud? Do you even know what it is? Battery acid. It's bullshit. It's fucking trash. It's not good. It's so bad for your body. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, no. Water, sugar, glucose, citric acid, taurine. What is taurine? Taurine's the best. Yeah, what is it? From the plant taurinas. Taurinas a la baganda. It's an essential amino acid for babies. That's exactly perfect. Adults can make their own taurine, but there are high amounts of it in fish. Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.

I got Google. You are a big baby. I got Google. Can I ask? Torian makes me do that. Can I ask my question now? Because you're going on a shit rant. Go ahead. I'll get off of it. All right. So I call you last night. So how many dates do you go on before the kiss happens? If you're good, you probably get it on the first date. All right. So I've been dating this girl. There's two dates already. Girl. Go ahead.

Bath house, bath house, bath house, bath house. - Bath house, bath house, bath house, bath house. - You wanna get outta here? - All right. - All right. So you went on a date, a couple of dates with this girl. - Hell, why do you do that? - It gets the whole room in a vibe. - I get into it, and then I lose my train of thought.

- Bathhouse. - Bathhouse. - Bathhouse, bathhouse, bathhouse, bathhouse. - All right, two dates or three dates? - So tonight I'm going on the third date. - Where to? This is important. 'Cause if you're not getting the kiss, it's 'cause where you take her. - I've taken her to nice restaurants. What are you talking about? - Like? - Thank you. - Oh fuck. The first time we went out was, I think,

I don't want to say it. You can because it's over. I know but... You don't want to seem rich. What is it? Arby's. We got the meats. That's my go-to spot with every date. So I don't want all the girls that I've done date. That's fine. And they go, that's why he took me. There's no way we think girls don't know that you're taking them out to the same places. Of course you are. We're creatures of habit. You go to six places.

All of us go to six places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pache. For me, it's Chipotle, California Pizza Kitchen. No, be real, be real. The Vons in the Valley. I'm dead serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same six places. All right, but I know- I don't stray. Okay, if you- Okay, the-

The six places, right, that if you were going on a date with, what are they? I have mine. You got your six. Yeah, I think so. I'm fucking married. We don't go on dates. I know, but just hypothetically, if you were single, where would you go? Where would I take them? Yeah. Probably to Eastside shit. Hmm.

Eastside shit's hip shit. That's where he lives. Pache. No, Pache's not. No, Pache's over by us. Little Dom's. Little Dom's is great. That's good, yeah. People like Bastia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Mother Wolf. I like Mother Wolf. Mother Wolf's fun. And Funk. That's him, same guy. Fun, fun, fun. Yeah. I go to Damien. Yeah, Bar Flores. Damien's great. Damien's, we talk about Damien all the time. Damien's great. And then, you know, Bastia across the street from there. Yeah. Hippo.

That's right. Hippo's good. What'd you call me? That's his nickname. I was talking about his mom. What's that about? I'm sorry. I thought we'd move past that. What is that? You're right. You're right. What were you doing right there? I was being aggressive. What is that right there that you think you were doing? I was being aggressive. What do you think you were doing? I was being aggressive again. I'm so sorry. You think that was a good idea? That wasn't a good idea. I don't think it was a good idea. You let that one go? I think that one's going to sit with me for a minute. Will you please let that one go? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ask the question.

I already did. So how many do you think? So tonight's the third date. She better kiss you on the third date. That's crazy. Third date? You don't even get like a peck? Friend zone after that. Yeah, that's friend. Oh, wow. The Spanish has spoken. Amigo zone. Yeah, amigo zone. That fucking burned me, dude. That hurt. Have you been friend zoned?

Oh my, everybody in their fuck, everyone in this room. Everyone. Everyone's been friend zoned. No one is immune to the friend zone. You've been friend zoned. Of course. Oh, thank the Lord. Dude, I got friend zoned one time so hard in college, I went over to this fucking girl's dorm who I like crushed, crushed, crushed on. Yeah. Was putting in all the work, trying to do the right thing.

She's like, come on over and hang out. And I was like, fuck yeah, maybe this is it. I go to her fucking dorm. I'm kicking it, taking it easy, not trying to be aggressive. No moves. Great song about the Eagles. Take it easy. Take it easy. Bathhouse. Bathhouse. Bathhouse. Bathhouse. Bathhouse. I'm sitting on one of those, what were they called? The big bean bags. Love sack. Remember those? You know what I call them? What? Your mom. Your mom.

You motherfucker. I'm sitting on a love sack on her dorm room floor and in walks the guy that she's fucking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, this is my friend Andrew. This is so-and-so. And I was like, hey, buddy. And she literally goes, do you want to hang out and finish? We were watching. Do you want to finish this? We're going to go grab something to eat. I was like, yeah, I just hung out in the dorm by myself. Now this is what he does for a living.

Yeah. Oh, wait, hold on. Let me guess. Keep going. It's not a bad laugh. Wait, wait, wait. That's not a bad laugh. No, mime it. I want to see what it is. Maybe I can guess what it is. Oh, you want to guess it? All right. Let's see. Do it again. Digging graves. No. Digging graves? Is that what you guessed? Keep doing it. Let me see if I can...

Keep doing it. I'm playing high lie. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Yeah. You're never going to get it. I was just trying to get you some exercise. What does he do? What? I was just trying to get you some exercise. He pulls rope. Oh, he's a rope puller. I'm the caboose. You really are. And I do it this way. Yeah. It's like this. All right. And then what is this?

Nailing Jesus to the cross. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Yes. Bro, that's so good. That guy did a great job. He hung up there for a while. Yeah, so third... Third date, you got to get a kiss. I think if you don't, then you kind of know it's amigo time. You're amigo. But can I say this? And by the way, we're not advocating. You don't have to kiss anybody. But if by the third date, you're not romantically interested in someone, ladies, tell him. But...

With Kalilah back in the day, it took me eight dates. Really? Yeah. To open up those floodgates? Yeah. I'm shocked. It took me like eight. I thought she were- I hung in there. She didn't like the restaurants. Yeah. Oh, you son of a bitch. Yeah, Larchmont Wine and Cheese didn't cut it. Yeah. So- That's interesting. That changes things. Yeah. Eight days? Yeah, because sometimes when- Maybe she was fighting off an infection. It could have been a couple of days- Like mad cow or something? Yeah.

No, like a UTI. Maybe she had something she didn't want to let you in. Eight? Collider, you mean? Maybe at the beginning she was fighting off something. She was on her period or you never know. It's a possibility. It seems like a likely. No, I was in competition. You were competing against other guys with her. She was single. There was other options. So she wanted to see if you were worthwhile. I think more time plays well for you, though, Bobby. Why? Why, why, why? Interesting argument, Kyle. Well, people get to know you and you can't help but fall in love with Bobby. I guess that's true. Yeah. Hmm.

But not love at first sight. You are definitely not love at first sight. Unless it's... I think he can be love at first sight. Second sight? It might love at second sight. I mean, your love is blind. LAUGHTER

- Love is blind, right? - For sure. - Yeah, so sometimes I do, my personality, I can get in there, but it's like, it just takes so much effort. - The reason this is bothering you, he doesn't know, is last week we talked about, he went in for a smooch and he got cheeked. - That's the same girl. - I know. So I gotta tell you. - You didn't tell me that. - Yeah. - I told you last time about the cheek. - Yeah, you talked, he got cheeked. - She got out of the car real quick. - This is why I think this is not, this girl doesn't wanna be, she wants to be your homie. She likes you as a human.

Kind of makes me so sad. Just text her, kiss or nah. No, no, no. Just send a poll. Yeah. Do an Instagram poll. Will this chick kiss me tonight? She'll see it. This is what I'm going to do. You want to hear my fucking thing? Yeah. Are you being real? Yeah. Okay. So if it doesn't happen, I kind of don't want it to happen. Okay. You pull a gun out and kill yourself right in front of her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is your fault. Yeah. And then I like moving on.

You never talked to her again? Because I'll tell you something that happened. I'm going to tell you something that happened to me. I wasn't ever going to talk about this.

But right when Kalilah and I broke up back in the day, right, I went on a date with a girl. Same thing. Two or three dates. Nothing. Right? And then she was at the comedy store. Recently? Yeah. I hadn't seen her since then. And we hooked up that night. At the comedy store? I hadn't seen her in over a year and a half. Ooh, that's hot. You know what I mean? My point is that sometimes you plant the seed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You plant the seed and it will grow. Mm-hmm.

Those bonsai trees grow real slow, but they do grow at some point. It's a long game. It's a hundred year game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're playing the hundred year game. When Mr. Miyagi was cutting the bonsai tree in the original Karate Kid. Yeah, best movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. So good. What's the point, guy? Oh, see, you missed it. When I was watching it in the theater, I'm like, that's what you do? No, you missed it completely. Like the Bene Gesserit.

It's patience. It's meditation. But he doesn't even sell it on eBay. He just kind of has them. Well, he had a Pinterest for a while. I think Mr. Miyagi. He did? Yeah. Yeah, look at him. No pussy. That was his OnlyFans back then. That's what OnlyFans was, trimming bonsai trees. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at Ralph Macchio. He's like, you fucking loser. Dude, by the way, Ralph Macchio, same age today that he was then. Yeah. Did you see a photo of this guy? I've met him. What baby blood is he drinking that he looks that good? He is also- Look at how handsome that guy is. The nicest guy you will ever fucking meet. Not surprised. Great actor. Seems like a good dude. Great guy. Give me the age of this gentleman now. He's 62. Shut the fuck up. That guy's 62 years old? Mm-hmm.

That guy 62. How did I fucking know that dude? That was good. That was good right? Wow. One of the nicest guys in the world dude. I love that guy. So fucking handsome. How did you know that? What? How did you know he was 62? Maybe doing some late night googling. I think because the night I met him, I was hosting this thing called the Asian Excellence Awards. Welcome back to the Asian Excellence Awards. Why would they use a word like excellence with Asians?

The Xerence Award. Of all words to use. So, yeah. Then. The Asian Xerence Award. Hosted by JC Bailey.

Oh shit, dude. Yeah. I like it. All right. Times have changed. Times have changed. All right. So you're hosting. This is back in the day. Yeah. So you're hosting the Asian. Believe it or not. I believe it. Trust me. I see it. The Asian excellence. Tarantino did it. Is he Asian? No, but he likes Asian shit. Because I think Kill Bill and stuff. So he was on the show. That's where I have a photo on Instagram where I met and we have a photo together. That's when I met him. Danny DeVito. And then Ralph Malchia was there too. None of these guys are fucking Asian. What?

Ralph Macchio did an Asian. He did Karate Kid. Danny DeVito, why the fuck was he there? Because he's short like you guys? If you don't look at his eyes, he could be Asian. I mean, think about that. From the back, I'm like, look at that little Korean guy running away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, and Ralph Malachio was there. And I remember, I mean, not that the other people there were rude. It's just he was more available. He was just nice. He's a moment guy like you. He's a moment guy. Yeah. He was just like talking to me. And I was just like, and my fucking...

My brother, when he was drinking, was there. That's when he was still using. What? That's when he was using. So Danny DeVito, Tarantino, and Ralph Macchio, they were sitting backstage on these couches. And my brother was on the outskirts drinking. Oh, no. Completely drunk. And he kept walking up to Ralph Macchio. I swear to God, I'm going, how'd he get there? And then backing up. He's not wrong, though. Yeah, and I would go. I remember going, Steve!

He's like, dude, cry again, dude. You know what I mean? Like fucking, like a stony, drunk. I love your brother. Yeah. He didn't know anybody. By the way, those three guys, fuck, marry, kill. Danny DeVito, Ralph Macchio, and- Fuck, marry, kill, Asian. And Tarantino. Yeah, fuck, marry, kill. All right, so who would I? Tarantino, Danny DeVito, and Ralph Macchio. Fuck, marry, Ralph Macchio. Sure. Yeah.

Mean probably kill Danny DeVito you'd have to kill Tarantino because the name of the sake of his films kill bill kill kill Quentin That's true, but then you'd have to fuck Danny DeVito. How fun to toss that guy around. That's easy. That's the easy part He's a spinner. Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe okay fucking connect same size as me We could 69 it would be like just like two blueberries rolling around in the beginning. Yeah, it's usually when I Yeah

I have to reach. A jumping 60. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, you guys, because you're both like little rotund bellies, it's like two magnets to the same side. You just can't fucking, they just can't connect. They just can't touch. I had a girl once say that, like, dude, I like that you have a belly because it rubs against my clit and I can come quicker.

Really? Yeah, I was like, does that? Your belly goes down that far? Yeah, I guess it does that. My God. Anyway. That's a tip for guys out there. Yeah, it's a tip for guys. Anyway, so Ralph Macchio, great guy. Ralph Macchio is the guy that we would marry. Yeah. Can I ask you another question? Yeah. This is something I came in with. The floor is yours. Okay. Oh, sorry. My bad. You're the captain, you know? You better believe it. Toot toot.

I'm Spock though. Ahoy. Yeah. You're Kirk. I'm Spock. By the way, put me on a boat and I get so gay. Put me on a fucking boat and I get gay. Chekhov. You're Chekhov. Okay. That's fine. Anyway. Yeah. I'm good with that. Yeah. So let me ask you something. So what I want to say is I was thinking about last night. I lay in bed. Can I show you what my room looks like now?

This is your new interior designed room. Yeah, yeah. This is just one part of it. Wow. That looks beautiful. It's beautiful. I hope so, for the money. Yeah, I love being in there. Anyway, I was laying in bed in my beautiful new room, listening to some tunes. What did you listen to? I was listening to Sarah Mulglocklin's Ice Cream. Really? Mm-hmm. That's cool. I like that. Okay. Your love is better than ice cream.

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Ice cream's better than fucking. Fucking ice cream. Salt and straw, you're right. Yeah, dude. Salt and straw, you're right. McConnell's? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go get me some of that Santa Barbara jam. 31 flavors, though? I mean, Baskin Robbins? I'd take head over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Oberweiss? Oberweiss, that's a Midwest thing. Oberweiss dairy is so fucking good. My God. Those cows, they look like something happened. I mean, when you see those farm cows, dude, they're like 900 fucking pounds, and you're like, holy shit, this poor thing. Oh, my God.

They've just inflated it, dude. So it's just piss and milk. I saw a fucking TikTok the other day about a woman who's kind of- What do they put in there, the cows? Hormones. They juice these motherfuckers up. So your mom got it done? Oh, sorry. That's the last one. Sit down. So let me ask you something. So- There's Bobby. There I am. There's Bobby amongst of other comics. That's a green room. That was so good, dude. Thank you. I love you. Um-

I'm telling you, if you don't get a fucking kiss from or not a kiss. I'm sorry. I don't want this sounds aggressive. If this girl doesn't make it obvious tonight that it's not happening. Well, shame. Nick told me to ask. You got to be straight up. So at the end of the thing, if I feel like I'm going to kind of just talk to you for a second. I just see friends on you. Would you agree? I'm fine with it. But yeah, something like that. Don't don't don't give her the ammunition. Just go. Don't say this feel. Just go. Hey, I just want clarity.

Do you want to be more than friends? That's too direct. No, because if you say if you give her the bait to go, this feels friendzoning, then she's going to go, I guess maybe it is. You're telling her how you feel. You might be right. Ask her. Ask what she wants. Do you want to just be friends?

Which is fine. Oh, that's great. Okay. I just need to know if you just want to be friends. I'll do it in my own wording. Because we're going to go to a different restaurant. Right. Do it in your own words. Dude, that's so true. Do it in your words. That'll be your own words. You got to get the Spaniard on it. Anyway. Oh, you shot at me fucking three times with my mom. So what? Don't get mad that I shoot back.

I'm not doing anything. All right. Anyways, good. I'm accepting. Also, as fucking your best boy, I want you to win. You know I want you to win. Yeah, I didn't do that. But this kid's the real Casanova over there. He really is. Our entire life. You know, here's my jelly. My entire friendship. You're closer to him than you are to me. No. It's a longer friendship. I've known him for so long. It's a longer friendship. He's my oldest friend in Los Angeles. We're all about to be best friends forever. Forever. Forever. BFF. Okay. So can I ask? Now, I was listening to Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan. Yeah.

Can we go back to that? Yeah, yeah. Ice cream is better than sex, yeah. And I remember there are people in my life that were in it for a brief period and then they just disappeared and I just never saw them again. Because they're dead? No. I don't know if they are or not. Hopefully, yeah. But they were like so influential, you know what I mean, in my life.

voyage or my journey to here. What's taken you away from reaching out to them? I don't know how to even get a hold of anybody. I just want to, so I don't even know last names really. So how influential could they have been? You don't even know their fucking last name. Pretty influential. So may I? Give us an example. I'm going to give you two examples if I may. Please may. Okay. The first example is I remember I met a guy, his name was Randy. He was Jewish. Okay. I'm out. And he looked like Stanley Tucci.

Ooh, I'm back in. Yeah. At the time. Somehow. At the time, he was a little older than me, maybe by 10, 15 years. And I think that he had a weird, like he looked like that. Love the teach. Maybe it was a lawyer or going to law school. How did you meet him? I met him at improv class. I'm out again. Yeah, I'm out. I was out, I was in, I'm out. So I remember back in the day, I met him in improv class and he, remember we were together and he goes,

"Hey man, I was wondering, I think I was gonna do standup. I'm gonna do standup." And I go, "Okay." And he goes, "You should, you know, we've talked about it before. We should do it together." I go, "I'm too scared." Right? So remember we went to a place called Thomas Paine Coffee Shop and this is where there was an open mic and he said, "Come and support me 'cause I'm gonna go up for the first time." And so I went there and then he, the host went up and he goes, "All right, this next comic is Bobby Lee."

He put my name in the fucking Randy. Right, Randy. And I remember just going up. And I mean, I wouldn't say that was my first time doing stand up because I didn't really say anything. You just fucking around. I just went up there. I was like, I didn't really sign up. You know, Randy did this and I just got off. But it got me on stage. God bless Randy. Thank you, Randy. And then I started doing it a lot. So we know who to blame. Right. And then I never saw him again.

How old was this man? And he was a lawyer? He must have been like 10 or 15 years older than me at the time. Did you say he was an attorney? Yeah, maybe. And this was like just for fun? Yeah, I was like 23, so he must have been 33 maybe. So Randy, if you're out there listening, you might be in your 60s by now. Yeah, yeah. It's just somebody that I just want to say thank you to. That's kind of a beautiful story. That's really nice. Yeah, that's very pretty. And there's another guy. I'm glad you kept in touch with that guy.

You know how people just disappear? And also, can I just say my... Well, no, you just kept going. But just also, there was no such thing as cell phones then. Right.

Oh, you could have sent a carrier pigeon to him or something. I know, I know. But my point is it's easier now. Way easier. Back then, there was no cell phone. You're right. There's people that I remember from the beginning that I don't know, that we used to hang out with back in the day. I have no fucking idea where they are. We have no clue. So the second guy was when I became a comic at the La Jolla Comedy Store, I moved in with the manager and the assistant manager of the comedy store, who both passed. Jesus. It was a Frank, it was Ron, um,

First name's okay. And then Fred Burns. And there was another guy living there who was super... Like, those two were, like, kind of hostile. I mean, they gave me everything. This manager and this assistant manager. But the comic that lived there, Frank Manzano, was a Mexican guy. You know, just a weird performer. He was so kind to me and very, like, supportive. You know what I mean? I just, you know, I haven't seen him... I don't know where he is. You know what I mean? Anyway, I mean, those are... Do you have anybody in your life like that or no? That disappeared? You just...

Yeah, lots. I've had lots of people that have quit or moved or, you know, I've spoken about friends on this show that guys that I started with who I thought were fucking so good and they quit for Jonathan Gottschalk. You I remember him. Yeah, I know. You said his name. Yeah. And then also there's another one. Dave Pierre, a very funny guy. Great name. He was so funny.

And I don't know what happened. I think he's like teaching. Well, I know there's a lot of guys that I kind of used to do bar shows with. And I know I've kind of run into them in the, in the aftermath or like had a, you know, a friend of a friend, but there, a lot of them are out. A lot of them fucking grew up.

They got pregnant, had kids, got jobs, and they were like, I can't play this fucking bullshit game. Or they move out. They move out of L.A. Well, a lot of guys left L.A. They quit the dream. Yeah. It's a brutal business. I get it. I don't even know if it's a dream. They just quit this fucking rat race. They quit this bullshit game. Yeah, what is it about us that we hung in and suffered? We're sick. Immature trauma addiction.

- Really? - Yeah. - I think that's what, there's something about my- - We're sick. - It's not resilience. I mean, I guess there is, that is a word that we could use, but it's like, I just, a normal person wouldn't suffer that long. - But then people with a little bit of intellect understand that suffering usually can yield something good if you really want it. - So lack of talent and anything else.

He's right. You fucking dirty little bitch. It's so funny. It's fun. And I'm grateful to meet people like you. It's fun. It's grateful. And I'm in complete gratitude. I had a daydream today. Yeah. This morning in the shower. Can I share this? And you may think I'm stupid. There used to be downtown Los Angeles, I believe in the old brewery building.

Right? Maybe the old Pabst building. I can't. Brewery. Brewery. I know it's tough for you guys. Yeah. That's like library for black guys. There's something about... We'll be right back. That's so good. Well, it's not a library. But what do they say? Library. Every black friend I have says library. But listen, the Pabst Brewery, the old building downtown, used to be an artist...

living quarters, I think, if I'm not mistaken. Right? And then what they did was they had the rent was subsidized so that artists could live there for a nominal fee, right? Yeah, the Brewery Arts Complex has been called the largest live and work artist colony in the world, 16 acre compound. Right, okay. So, hold on. Let me look at the... Bro. What? Bro. After you say this, I'm going to tell you I've been there. To the brewery? To the artist complex? Yes. You hooked up with someone there? No. Okay, hold on. We'll get to it. Yeah, yeah.

What I was going to do, I had a thought. I was driving on the freeway and I saw the old brewery smokestack and it made me think, I wish, I wish you, me, a couple of other named comedians could buy a building or buy a warehouse space

and subsidize the rent for young up-and-coming comedians. To live. So we do a nonprofit where we wouldn't make a dime, but it would make enough money so it could sustain to have security, upkeep, and everything. We would make no money. House rules.

You'd need some house rules. I would be the house rules guy. You would not live there. No, I know, but I would have to have on the wall things you cannot do. No, no, it would be run properly like a fucking... Just house rules. I don't care what you're saying. Well, what are the house rules? Yeah, what are they? No fucking other comics.

That's what I'm building this whole thing for. It's for them to all fuck each other. That's the whole point. This is like the Olympic Village. This is his Hitler youth. Yeah, 100%. I want to indoctrinate these people. All right, move on. I know what you're saying. No fucking other. I just would want a safe space for everyone. That's all. Go ahead. Of course. That's...

Okay. All I'm saying, I'm done. All I'm saying is, do you think this is a crazy idea? It's a great idea, dude. I really want to do it. I want to buy a building. We're never going to do it. Why not? It's so expensive. Yeah, not with that. It's not just you and I. It's a bunch of other comics. Imagine if we got like Burr, Sebastian, Dylan, guys who have a couple of bucks in their pocket who could buy a building and subsidize it for young comedians. That'd be great. How many people? No, number one. Because you know I have the resources to start a non-profit. I know how to do all this stuff. We can do it. Dude, that's fucking

- We can do it then. - You'll do it? - I will do it. - I swear to God, I wanna do it. - But this is a big one for me. - House rule? - No, it's even bigger. - What? - I think you'd have to showcase to get in there. - Oh, you can't be shit. You can't be shit to get a room. - That changes everything. - Interesting, that's interesting. - We can't have crap. - So we have a little stage and you have to showcase for the current residents to see if you get a room. Now, do you have to keep showcasing as you live there? - No, they showcase for us. - So just you and I sitting in a chair? - No, we'll get a bunch of comics.

We do it once a year. You know what I mean? It's like getting passed. Yeah. You get passed to live there. You get passed to live there. But then every year, you have to re-audition because we got to know that you're writing and working and you're not slipping. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell me about the brewery. Now that we know that that's a thing I'm proposing to- What are you calling this thing when you open it? Funny Bone. Okay. Done. Name it after another comedy club. I need to workshop it more. We got it. I think it should be called- I think Haven. You know what I mean?

We'll call it the comedy mothership. I like that. We'll call it... The compound. Comedy compound? Comedy compound. How about...

Chuckle Chambers. Chuckle Chambers. Chuckle Chambers. That's great. You want to go live in Chuckle Chambers. How many people can live there? I think it's got to have like 10 apartments. 10. 10 at a time. We can't afford that big of a building with you and me and a bunch of other comics. We can try our best. Well, then the future has to live there.

I know you said they have to showcase. Yeah, I mean, there's no, I mean. I'm telling you, in the shower this morning, I thought this is a great idea. It's a way we don't earn a dime on this. We'll probably lose a little bit of money, but it'd be great. Oh, so you can't?

I know what's going to happen. Other open micers are going to go, can I stay there overnight on the couch or whatever? No. No crashing. No, it's time out. We crashed. We crashed. It's a part of the culture. How long can you crash? One week. Only one week crash. And you're not allowed to crash for a week, then go to another apartment. You get one week of crash in the comedy. And what did I call it? A year or how long? What was it called? The chuckle compound. No. The chuckle what? I'm just trying to tighten it up.

And what did I call it? The chuckle? I don't even know. Chuckle. Seconds ago. Okay, no, you get one week of crashing because crashing is a part of our culture. Okay. We crashed. I crashed. You crashed a lot about it. All right. You get one week of crashing inside like a guy that lives there. Like the manager, like the guy that, you know, Guam. Dude, Guam is going to get security. He'll fuck. He'll beat the shit out of people. They don't know they force the rules. He will. He lives there for free.

Imagine if that- Everyone does, right? Huh? Yeah. Everyone lives for free? No. You have to pay. It's subsidized. You're paying a certain amount of money to keep, because to keep the thing going. Yeah, cost at level. So like, listen, instead of paying, what is an apartment now? Fucking thousands of dollars? $2,500. Ridiculous. Minimum. Yeah, you pay like 800 bucks, 600 bucks, 800 bucks, but that just goes for your internet, your water and power, and general living so we can- Free Wi-Fi.

- Free wifi. - Free wifi if you have 15 minutes. If you have under 15, you gotta pay. - I'd love to get behind it. - A comedy comp, compound. - Five guys, five girls. - Five guys, five girls? - Or maybe one trans, one gay. - Smart. - See, now we're getting into equity, diversity, and inclusion. - And that's good. - Can't avoid it. - Well then nobody needs to be the same.

You're right. We can't do that. We need a black guy and an Asian. You know what I mean? We can't do that. I'd rather have two black guys and one Asian for sure. It's just for trading. Oh, really? Well, for trading. You don't want things to efficiently fucking... Whoa! I'm talking about comedy-wise. There's almost none of you that are good. There's so many black comics that are good. How many funny Asians are there? Six? Jason Chenney, Leslie Lau, Andrea Jin. I mean, the list goes on. That's six. You just named the six. That's it. There's so many, dude. How many funny black comics are there? A thousand. A thousand.

They've been doing it longer. That has nothing to do with it. They have? Yeah, what are you talking about? Dude, look, okay, you know who Flip Wilson is. Of course we know who Flip Wilson is. But my point being is that comedy has been, in terms of the black community, a part of it since we started in the new modern version of stand-up in the 50s and 60s. They're funny. Yeah, because they're funnier than Asians. No, it wasn't, dude, because we're immigrants. Are you trying to say that Asians are funnier than black comics?

What I'm saying is... Whoa. That's a tough claim. I didn't fucking say that. You just said... Bobby Lee, you heard it here, said Asians are funnier than blacks. I didn't say that. That's what he said. I didn't say that. What I'm just saying is that, you know what I mean? Since we've like...

Since Margaret, I think. Chris Rock, Wanda Sykes, Dave Chappelle, Cedric, Kevin Hart, Whoopi Goldberg, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac, Eddie Murphy, Monique, Redd Foxx, Martin Lawrence, Chris Tucker, Tiffany Haddish, Catwood, Dilla Hula, Jane Foxx, Tracy Morgan. Don't look up Asian comics. I'm afraid that I'm not going to be on the list. You've got to be on that list. Yeah, right. Here we go.

Tough. There's six. Oh my God, there's six. I'm not even on it. Oh, that says China. In China. Jimmy O. Yang is the first one. Jimmy O. Yang. That's China. I looked up Asian comedian though. That's just what it says. There's six. I don't know what else to look up. Asian comedian. Asian American comedians. There's six.

There's five. There's five. You gotta put a plural. Put the S on the end. By the way, they threw in Cal Penn too to make you guys feel. Koreans over 50 comedians. Oh, fuck. The point is, hey, Google's proving my point. Leave it alone. Google's proving my point. An endless list of great black comics. Endlessly. I think you're Asian excellent. That's so funny. You are Asian excellent.

You're excellent. Just saying. Let's move on from it. Truly though, tell me the story about the brewery. How did you end up there? In the 90s, there was a fucking cattle call for a sitcom. Do you remember what it was called? No.

- But I remember going there and waiting in line for about seven hours. - Just chilling outside. - It was like one line. - Gross. - Right? - Sounds like last common standing. - And I remember going in there and being thrown like on a chair, saying one thing, I forgot what it was. And then I go, go, go. And I remember walking out of that building going,

Oh, I'm never going to make it. You thought that was how it all worked? That's how it all worked. Like this just fucking one in a million, you know what I mean? Waiting in line for that long. It's like the Laugh Factory line.

The open mic line, yeah. It's around the corner. People will wait there from 10 a.m. I think it's open at noon or whatever. Or noon until the show. Oh, yeah. And they might not get on. Most don't. Yeah, they're just getting their name into the fucking bucket. I mean, how fucking crazy is that? That's awesome. Did you ever do that? Of course I did. What do you mean? I waited in every line. I waited at the factory. I never waited at the laugh factory. I waited at the store. You did. The improv didn't have a line. They didn't have that thing. They didn't have that thing. I waited at the factory multiple times.

Yeah, and when you're waiting in kind of a line that long and you don't even get on, you're like, oh, this is almost impossible. Me and my buddy Kenner Shaw drove to fucking San Francisco for Last Comic Standing to sleep outside of Cobb's on the street. To audition? God, do you know how far this is now? I sold out six shows like three months in advance at Cobb's and that's how far I've come. Thank you. That means a lot. That actually feels a lot in my heart. I slept on that street outside of Cobb's on fucking...

And I'm not kidding. We drove to San Francisco. I slept outside on the concrete in a fucking sleeping bag only to almost not get to audition, go inside, tell a half a joke. And they were like, no, thank you. Oof. Oof. Had to get right back in our car and drive down back from San Francisco. Oof. I remember. I remember that. I slept outside of the improv for Last Comic Standing too. I slept outside of Fred Siegel on Melrose. No. Yeah. I slept on Melrose. Oh,

Oh my God. And I remember there was a young girl, there was a comic out there. You know who she is, I think. Tracy McDonald. Do you know who that is? I know her, yeah. Tracy was in line with us. And Tracy, I'll never forget, there was a moment where Tracy said, she's a Canadian comic. Yeah. Tracy said, what if, this was so creepy, it had to have been three or four in the morning. She was in the camp next door. What a nice girl. Yeah, she was great. Yeah. Tracy said, hey, what if one day, this is a four in the morning thought.

"What if one day we're not funny anymore?" And I was like, "What do you mean?" And she's like, "What if we just stop being funny or thinking of funny stuff?" I was like, "That's impossible. What do you mean? Like it's in your soul. You like humor." She's like, "No, no, no. 'Cause sometimes I feel like I might lose it and it'll never come back." And I was like, "Shut up." I went to lay down and my brain was like, "What if?"

What if we can never write a funny joke ever again? What if I never think of anything funny again? What if I never say anything? What if I don't know what funny is anymore? It spun me out for like six hours. Yeah. So thank you, Tracy McDonald. Thank you, Tracy. No, but she was right, though. She had this moment of clarity of like, man, what are we doing? We're sleeping on fucking Melrose? Yeah. Is this worth it? Do we want to do this? Mm-hmm.

Mom, Dad, you should shop Amazon for back to school and save some money. See, I'm currently obsessed with superheroes and need all the superhero stuff. Superhero lunchbox, superhero bag. But next year, it'll be something else. Maybe dinosaurs? I don't know. I'm not a fortune teller. But I can tell you not to spend a fortune and shop low prices for school on Amazon. Okay, good chat. Amazon, spend less, smile more.

It was. It was worth it. It was fun. I tried. Here's I think the difference, right, is, is that I honestly I think that a lot of people can make it. You know, I mean, I, you know, I don't care what where you come from. You know, you don't even have to be like naturally funny. I just think that people can make it. But we we can hit the ball when necessary.

When the time is right. I just remember different moments in my life. It's like I remember thinking to myself, I have to hit this ball. Yeah, you don't have a choice. I don't because so-and-so is in the audience and I have to fucking hit a home run here. And you do. So I'm going to tell you, I can't say his name, but I remember there was a TV show that did stand up. And I had already done it a couple of times. So the third year they were like, can you do it again? And I go –

You know what? I'll do it if you put my friend on it. You got to tell me the TV show. Like a Craig Kilborn or something? No, I can't. I can't tell you because I don't want my friend. My friend will cry if I say the story. Okay. I need to. He's already crying. We'll blank it out.

It was called funny. K-Loco. Oh, K-Loco. Yeah. It was called K-Loco. Yeah. I remember K-Loco. You know, on Telemundo or whatever. Yeah. But they go, well, who's your friend? I go, I don't care. You know what I mean? You're not going to watch him. He's going to do it. You're like, you're giving me a spot and he has to get a spot. One of my best friends gets a spot. That's really nice. Right? And he used to do well on stage. Regular at the store. Okay. So I remember we're at the taping now.

This is so fucking crazy. And I'm sitting next to Joey Diaz. Hey, gotcha, gotcha. Right? And so my friend's going up, right? And he's super nervous, which is understandable. Sure, it's TV. Right? So I'm in the green room watching them honor. I'm like, oh, yeah, finally, right? They bring him up and he comes up and he goes, nothing comes out. No. Yeah. And then he does this. This is where I was like, uh-oh. He looks on the ground and he goes,

And he starts mumbling. No! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, buddy. He literally starts mumbling to himself. Oh, fuck. This is TV. There's cameras on, right? And then I remember he's like maybe a minute or two in. He starts getting the nerve to tell a joke. But at this point, he lost the room. It's gone. It's gone. They were ready to. And he starts really bombing. Oh. Right? And I remember I had already gone up. Oh, you already did great. Yeah, I killed. You're good. I killed, right? Yeah.

I left him there. You piece of shit. Okay, not only did I leave him there, I was so embarrassed. Would you get in the car and just go home? Yeah, I go, fuck this guy. No, you asshole. I got in the car. So here's the two things. No wonder why people from your past have just disappeared. Yeah, I was going to say. Just one of these guys you never spoke to. When you go to bat for somebody. When you go to bat for somebody. He had an off day. Right? His first TV. I'm going to give him a compliment.

But this is a perfect guy. So I leave. So then Joey Diaz drove him home.

But here's the sad part. Joey Diaz on like 500,000 milligrams. Like, I'll drive you a cocksucker. Flip this fucking car. So you do five, you know, they take five or six shows in one night, right? So at the end of each show, the booker gives you money, a check. He waited at the end. He never got a check. So not only did he not do well, he didn't get paid. He got edited out of the show, obviously. Oh, my God. That guy drove it home, right? Well, give him the money. That's a terrible crowd. Right, right. But here's...

Though, here's how he wins. I still was friends with him. Bitcoin. He bought a bunch of Bitcoin in 92. A year later, I was watching Comedy Central just randomly, and he had done Premium Blend. Wow, that was huge. Huge. Right? Huge. And he destroyed. Oh, so he's fine. He destroyed. Is he still working today? Yeah. Yeah.

He destroyed. But I just remember like him, you know, some people can't hit the ball the first time is my point. But he got redemption, which is good. He did. He was he he always had it. He had the looks. He always he had the skill. It's just, you know, when you and you know, the very first TV spot you do as a stand up is petrifying. That's the scariest thing in the world. It's probably one of the scariest things in the world. Like I did. I remember when I did Leno. I was I'd never been more scared.

But I just remember walking out and looking at the thing and going, you have to kill. You have to kill. You have to kill. Because Jay's right there. Yeah, you got a little Chinese guy coming to you. That's me on Leno. Is that your first time? Yeah. Wow. I remember how nervous I was to do Conan. I was there. It was probably the most nervous I've ever been, man. You were? Chase? Just because I loved Conan so much. And it was a big deal for me when they...

You know what's so funny is I submitted a year before and the booker who obviously not there, is gone now, who's become a friend was like, "I don't like this spot. I don't like this set." And I was like, "Fuck." And then called and was like, "I saw you do a spot. Do that five." I was like, "Oh, really?" He said, "Yeah, do that five. Fuck, do that. The other one don't submit. Do this. Just take out the two parts that have sweat." That was it.

But then when I got there, we were, I was fucking so nervous. It's a good set. It's just hard. It's such a hard, it's such a hard thing. I'll never forget that. People just get so. We were dying laughing on the way to that. People get so fucking judgy about it, but you're like, it's, you feel so, it's the stress of that is so weird because it's live. Like I could see it kind of in your eyes. I know you. Yeah.

There's something in your eyes. I was nervous. Yeah, yeah. So nervous. You're fine. You can see all the stuff, but there's a focus in your eyes. Yeah. Right? I can tell. And my fucking, that sweater was awful. It's like, what a terrible fucking choice. You know, by the way, when I, I remember buying that sweater, scrounging the money together to buy that sweater. And it was out of my price range. It was probably like $125 sweater. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I remember it was like $100 sweater. And I was like, this is insane that I'm buying this fucking sweater. And-

I thought when I put it on, you look great. And less than a month later, I was like, you look fucking ridiculous. Yeah. That is a stupid fucking. It's so no matter what you wear on TV. What was I wearing on my tonight show? You look like a fucking idiot. You always look dumb on these tapings. Yeah. You think they look good. That actually looks kind of nice. Black and black is safe. Black and green pants. It's classic. How old are you there, Bobby? I was 52. Yeah.

Oh, 2002. 22 years ago today. April 26, 2002. Wow, just passed. 22 years ago. Whoa. You were 30 years old? Yeah, what people don't realize. You were 30, right? That's a 30-year-old man. That looks like a 16-year-old boy. That's a good thing. That looks like a high school kid. Move over, Ralph Macchio. Yeah. Well. There's a new 62-year-old in town.

I mean, you age like a mushroom, but back then- What people don't realize too is they're so word for word, like they come out so many times to see you and they give you so many notes. Oh my God. Right? So everything is like, you have to say it. Did you have cue cards? Yeah. So they offer you, if you may slip up, they may have cue cards. And I said, no, I don't want them because-

that will fuck me up worse. I'll look at a word and be like, "Any God, it's Tim." I know exactly what I would do. I would see a word and go, "Fuck, and that's it?" That would kill me. That would fucking ruin. I was like, "Please, no cue cards." Same thing with specials. Comedy Central half hour, most people used bullet points. I was like, "Please, God, don't do that." - You have memorized.

But some people get nervous, like your boy who just gets paused out. Oh my God, I just even, Luke thinking about that. His face. This is great. That was fun, that half hour was fun. I told the story about this, I cried the moment I got off stage. I asked my- You cried? I asked my- You were there? No, I just remember the moment. I asked my, well, he's in it though. I talk about him in the special. My childhood best friend, Sean Costello was there and he was backstage and he was in the green room with a few people.

And I walked into the green room after I got off stage and I said, hey man, can you give me two seconds? And he was like, yeah. And everyone's like, yeah. So excited. Can you give me like two minutes? And he was like, yeah. I was like, I'm just overwhelmed. And the moment he left the green room, I was like,

I was fucking bawling. Just because it was all this energy and nerves and anxiety and it was Comedy Central. It was a half hour. It was like so important. And I was like, I ate shit. It was bad. I was bawling. Oh, you think it was good? Oh, I thought I tanked. I just, I was spinning. Oh, I thought you were like, I killed it. No. Oh, fine. No, I was spinning. I was so sad. I chugged a bottle of fucking whiskey. I just sat in a chair just bawling. I'm like, they're never going to end.

air it. They won't even air it. That's what I kept saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but it was a good, it turned out great. I liked it a lot. I just, because the pressure was so... But it's also not, it's not club laughs. No, it's different out there. It's a different set of laughs. So you think you're bombing. Oh, yeah. Because you're not at the Ice House main room. Correct. And also, people don't know, these are tapings. I had zero...

fame acknowledgement whatever this was like me normand soda we were all like kind of the same within the year of each other's tapings nobody knew who the fuck we were these are paid audience members yeah yeah yeah these people have sat through six other comedians yeah you're the fucking fifth on the list of the night of three hours of stand-up dude they're tired dude imagine they don't want to look at your dumb ass imagine being a road comic andrew yeah

and you have no name, you're just doing the road. So you're one of those acts, right? That people go, hey, honey, what do you want to do tonight? Well, let's just go to the club, see who's there. We were those guys. I was that guy. I know, but how much easier is it now? That we have fans? No, it's not that. God bless the fucking fans. It's just that it takes that component out of it of like... I'm going to kill myself in this motherfucker's face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if I'm going to bash my head through the Pepsi machine outside my window going, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Yeah, yeah. Some guy gets a soda at four in the fucking morning. Yeah, yeah. I remember that outside of my bedroom window. The hum of a vending machine. Oh. And then a guy just, do, do, do, do, do, do. 2.30 in the fucking morning. Hey! Don't do that to me!

You hear that in the fucking hotel? Dude, motels, the amount of motels I've stayed in. Okay. Like the scene in Big when he's clutching the pillow and there's bullets outside raining through New York. Yeah, yeah. So I had to do a call. You know, I did the- I got bed bugs one time, by the way, from a motel. Go ahead. I'll tell you the story. I did those college, you know, those college gigs. You know what I mean? And so back in the day when you're a nobody, right? They go, well, you know, you're going to go to Muncie.

But then you have a day off here and then you have to take a bus, like your Greyhound. - Gotta catch a Greyhound. - To this place, right? - Three bucks. - But in between, we know this old family in this town who like, they like to bring in comics. - You can stay at their house. - You can stay at their house. - Right. - It's a nightmare. - 80 year old white people.

Right and like lights out at lights out a tensor. Oh, right. There's no internet then it's get out. This was the original get out Hold as fuck. No, right and I have like a blanket like one of those wooly like they smells like mothballs Yeah, right and the pillow is like made out of hay. It's a hay pillow. It's a hay pillow The matrix is that thing that when will William Wallace dies and the end of Braveheart and

That concrete. It's a slab. It's a slab. They chopped his nuts off. Right. Yeah, yeah. The bed that Lincoln died in was more comfortable. So I remember just laying there cold. It's 1030. I'm not going to be able to sleep. You know what I mean? No. Belly full of their leftovers. And at six in the morning, you get a knock. It's like, coffee is ready. Come on down for breakfast. It's a nightmare. That's when you start spinning the chamber of the gun. Yeah. And I did that for years. Hated it.

So God bless the fans. Thank you so much. My God. Thank you so much. More than anything. But then also it's like, don't, don't go, don't go. Why is that guy get this? Right. Yeah. Right. Oh, cause I've been to hell and back. Yeah. Dog. And,

And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And you know what you still have to deal with? Little rats like this guy. Little fucking rat brats. You know, you think you can get away from rats. Well, you let them in. But the rats are always there. They find a way. Don't the rats. The rats are the friends you make along the way. They find a way. I just want a little reprieve from hostility. All right. Let's chat about some poon. Let go up. This is a history lesson. Look at this. In 1942, Chinese. Okay. Here's why I'm pitching this to you. I read this article.

And you want to do a movie and you want to star in a film. You and I are going to make a movie together that Nikki and I wrote. Yep. But I said, Bobby needs his own solo project, his own vehicle. In 1942, Chinese sailor Poon Lim, what a name,

...was aboard the SS Ben Lomond when it was torpedoed by a German U-172 causing the vessel to sink. Lim found himself... They should just say Poon. Poon found himself alone on a life raft without any means of propulsion, drifting aimlessly at sea. He sustained himself by fishing, drinking bird blood, and even managed to kill a shark using only a jug of water. Bro, that's fucking... Look at the last line. Miraculously, Poon survived for 133 days at sea before being rescued. Look at Poon's little boat that he made. Dude...

Look at that boat. Wow. Life of Poon. The life of Poon. Dude, what an intricate boat. Now, what does this say about Poon in general? Asians are survivors. What does this say about Poon in general? Poon is the best. Yeah, that's what it means. You're not getting better than Poon, are you? Poon is what drives this world. Dude. Poon. Poon. Poon.

Yeah. Top shit. I get what you're saying. I love Poon. Poon's the top. Is there anything better than Poon? Poon for Prez. Poon for Prez. This guy's the fucking man. He killed a shark with a jug of water. How did he do that? I want you to play this movie and Nikki's going to write Poon. The story of Poon. I'll order the Ozempic. And you know what the movie's called? Oh, wait, stop, stop. What did you just say? You gotta stop. What did he just say? I might walk off. Did he say, I'll order the Ozempic? Yeah.

If we want him to play Poon. Jiminy Christmas, Heaven of the Betsies. That's great. That is funny shit. It's not a fat Poon, it's a tight Poon. Whoa, this is a tight Poon. This is a tight Poon. He's not not on fire. Hey, tight Poon. Hey, you got a tight Poon? And the movie is called Let's Get Some Poon. That's so good. Let's Get Poon. Let's Get Poon. Drowning in Poon. Well, what is it? You know, like Get Shorty? Get Poon. Drowning in Poon is so good. Drowning with Poon. Mm.

No, because he doesn't drown. He survives. Yeah, it's not good, McCone. Let's get Poon. I won't do an Asian accent. Please. You have to. You have to. He's Chinese. It's 1942. I'm going to write it in an Asian accent. I can't. Give me a line then. You know that on Final Draft you can actually write with an accent. Open on. I'll tell you. Open on. Interior. Exterior. In the Peril universe. Give me some lines.

Um,

Well, he's talking to nobody but himself. This has to be like a Tom Hanks castaway. It's all you. It's an internal dialogue. I smell Oscar for Bobby. This is great. On the boat, you talk like a Chinese guy, but out sea, you sound like Bobby Lee. That's great. Because you've been putting it on the whole time for these fucking people on the boat. How about this? I'm going to America. But then out there, you're like, how do I get fucking schwa? Thank God I'm finally alone. My internal thoughts are in my voice. Yeah. Goddamn motherfucking fuck.

- Yeah, what are you doing? - Right, but I'm like, oh my God, so horrible. - That's what I just said. - Oh, okay. - But I just pissed you. - All right, so. - 133 days. - I'm a cure of the shark. - How do you kill the shark with a jug? - Well, so I'm in the boat, okay?

Well, let's fuck out. Just do the accent. Yeah. Do it live. I'm so hungry. And I know water, even though the water all around me. But it's salt. We'll pay for more day. Smart poon. Right? This is good poon. Right? But I have a joke.

What do I do with this? Jam it in my butthole? No. For central pleasure? No. Poon? No. There's an opening here, right? No, poon, poon, no. Oh, no, poon. No, no. Or I could kill a shark. Okay.

How the fuck does this guy kill a shark? With a jug of... A jug. Oh, it's easy. What you do is this. You nick yourself. This is what I would do. Nick myself a little. Bleed. Bleed into the water, right? As soon as that head comes out, bonk. With a jug of water? Yeah. You're going to kill a shark? How the fuck did he do it then? I don't know. Poon is magical. We know that. Yeah. How big of a shark was it? Maybe it's a little baby type. How do you get bird blood?

I guarantee you birds would, birds who are flying over the ocean, oftentimes settle on boats in motion. They would probably settle on this little raft and he would cover them up and grab them and break them and eat them. Yeah, but is that a good substitute for water, bird blood? I mean, it sounds like Poon did it. Yeah. He sustained himself by drinking bird blood. You would think maybe. What? Bloody Poon. Bloody Poon. That's the name of the film.

But this is what's strange. There are 133 days without water. I thought you can only go a certain amount of days without water. Three. But he must be getting enough water from the bird blood. Yeah, the bird blood, I think, is the is the key.

Or he had just a little bit of a jug of water and took a sip every fucking day. Can you drink blood instead of water or something? Can you drink blood instead of water? I feel like we know the answer to that. Yeah, we're in Hollywood. Yeah. I'm not talking about baby blood. Blood, a necessity for human life, is ironically poisonous to drink. Ironically? No, it seems right on the money. Why does it say ironically? Do bird blood. Oh, what does that say? So medical experts warn you get very sick from drinking it every day and fight a number of infections. One reason blood is dangerous. Yeah, bird blood, though. Bird blood. I want to know about bird blood.

Yeah, if you're starving or dehydrated, holy shit. No, what does it say? People have drunk turtle blood in order to survive, or the blood of a snake. There's risk of pathogen. Animal blood is not going to prolong your life. Extremely high in iron. It'll poison you at some point. Well, Poon lasted 133 days. Wow. Amazing. But how did he know that? No, I think this was just him guessing. He was trial and error. Oh, right, right. 100%.

Poon Lim. There he is. Zoom in. Does it say anything else? He holds the Guinness Book of World Records for longest time adrift at sea alone. That's incredible. He used a water jug as a club to subdue the thrashing shark. No, he hit it hard. He was a 25-year-old seaman from the south coast of... Poon and seaman. Yeah. Perfect. South coast of China when he hopped on a British merchant ship. Cape Town, South Africa, they left and a German U-boat sunk that motherfucker. Wow. You know how crazy that is? This is the only guy that lived.

and he died in Brooklyn. Go down, zoom in. Poon passed away. Yeah, we did lose Poon. He stepped foot in Brooklyn. We lost Poon at some point. Poon passed away in Brooklyn in 91 at the age of 72. Wow. Wow. That's pretty young for a guy that fucking lived out at sea for 133 years. I bet he partied like an animal when he got home. Was that him? Yeah, there's Poon right there. That's perfect. That's you. He kind of looks like me. That's what I'm saying. That's Poon, my dog. That's you. You're Poon. Yeah. By the way, the fact that he could fashion a boat. Hold on, hold on.

Yeah, that's you. Wow. Poon Lim. Poon Lim. Poon lives. So will you let us write this story? Yeah, I'd love to do it. Because I think you could play. I mean, like, think of how much comedy you could put in this and contained comedy. Can there be another boat?

We have to insert something else. Because even castaway packages were getting dropped. Margot Robbie's on the other boat. No. I'm just pitching stuff. Let's just think about it. She's German. Whoopi Goldberg is in the other boat. Whoopi Goldberg is German. Can we compromise? No. It's got to be Whoopi. Not on this. Did Poon compromise? Yeah, look at him. Well, Poon does not compromise. Who saved him?

A boat finally came along, I'm sure. You know, after a boat is attacked, he was nearing land as the color of the sea was no longer deep. It depends on who, though. It's like, if it's Germany... On April 5th... They're like, fuck... April 5th, three Brazilian fishermen found him nine miles off the coast of... I love Brazil. They're so nice. They're nice. Ha ha!

They're so nice. They're so nice Brazilians. Oh, he loses weight during the, it could be like a transformation thing. Like at the beginning, you look like you do now. And then by the end, it could like help like visually show the audience your transformation. From a directorial standpoint, it does make sense. He lost 20 pounds. It's not that much. He's going to need to lose a little bit. That's what Tom Hanks did, right? He waited a year or something. He shot one part for Cast Away. You're talking about Philadelphia. Different movie. Yeah.

Same themes. Yeah, same idea. Poon and AIDS just don't mix. No, they don't. Yeah, they don't. We don't want to insert that in this movie. Enough of your jokes, man. Killing it.

I'm literally tired of them. That's the last one. You're a little sly. I don't like it. So it took him two weeks in a Brazilian hospital. So maybe we rescue you halfway through the film. Maybe the nurses have bubble butts. Well, they're in Brazil. Okay, good. Yeah, I love that. Okay, good. By the way, maybe the movie is this. At a ceremony at the Siemens Church Institute of New York and New Jersey...

His citation said that Poon Lim displayed exceptional courage and fortitude. What if they nursed him back to health with... Tang. Yes. Yes. With Tang, yeah. That's the only way to get Poon back in it. With a bunch of Tang. How long were you thinking about that joke?

Was it two minutes? I wrote it before I came here. I sent him this article already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was really good. I said, step up, dude. That's really good. And honestly, no one had ever survived that long. It's seen not even close. And no one will ever break the record, obviously. But think about that. Oh, the writer stated in Lim's ordeal was using the novel My Star's Destination. Yeah, but that's still... Intellectual property was...

Three Mexican sailors floated for 10 months from '05 to '06, the Pacific Ocean on a disabled fishing boat. Mexicans are the most resilient people on Earth. Amazing. You know what happened with Spanish people? You guys would have sunk. You would have fucked each other and sunk. You would have conquistador-ed each other. Yeah, you'd have conquistador-ed each other. We just gave them some mirrors and they gave us the country. Oh my God, this guy's unfucking-able. So arrogant.

I hate it. A fisherman from El Salvador was apparently lost for 439 days floating from Mexico to the Marshall Islands. On a raft. That's the craziest shit when they just get on a raft and hope it goes the right way. That's crazy. Yeah. Like, can you imagine? I can't. Jose Salvador Alvarena, a fisherman who found, right, this is the guy that went to the Marshall Islands.

He survived on a diet of raw fish, turtle, small birds, sharks, and rainwater. This makes sense. Yeah, that I get. Or people at the Constellation, like back in the natives, back in the, you know, look at the sky to see where they are. I mean, we still do that kind of today.

We do. I don't. I don't think you do. No. We use star mapping. We still do star mapping. Yeah, but you don't personally. How do you think I get around? Oh, really? You think I use Google fucking maps? I don't trust that shit. It's a little Tokyo. You look up or you look at the map. I'm looking up the whole time. Uh-oh. The cop's like, were you on your phone? I was like, look at us staring at you. Staring up the whole fucking time. That's why they have moon roofs. Oh, I see. That's why.

Left on the brain. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you. So good.