Immortal Kombat
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Bob is not on the road right now, but I am. Go to andrewsantino.com for dates. andrewsantino.com for them tour dates. I'm going to be in Atlantic City at the end of the month. Then I go to Houston and Madison and Boston and Nashville. And we're adding dates as we go. Be on the lookout. But go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. You two are fed. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You know, the comedy store is opening. They call you? They call. They send me text messages and phone calls. They're opening up. I'm not coming back. Next week. I'm not coming back. Why aren't you? Until after the pandemic. After I come back from Europe. Right. Well, because you want to go to... Right. That's why. Well, I haven't written anything. In a year, I have not written anything. A year? I don't think...

That was a good one. It was a good joke. Real good one. It was a good joke. You're in a bad mood. No, I'm not in a bad mood. I can tell. You know what? You get more. I can tell. It's in your eyes and your cheeks. I'm not in a bad mood. Be honest. What's going on? Are you annoyed that we're late? No, not at all. Actually, I wasn't. I didn't even. Did I mention it? I'm annoyed that she's yawning. So what's going on? People couldn't stop asking about Rudy at the show.

I'm literally not making that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that has nothing to do with what my... I'm not saying I'm in a bad mood. How many people do you think? We're in the room? Now, how many people were asking about Rudy? If I'm being genuine after the show, I took some questions after the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 13 people every single show.

What's Rudy going to do? Are you guys going to get Rudy gone? Who's going to fill in? Yeah, yeah. Everybody asked. And I said, it's none of your business. We'll figure it out how we have to figure it out. It's so funny because today we had dinner for the first time at a restaurant. And Kalilah met- Which one? Jinya. Ooh, I love Jinya ramen. No, not ramen. No? Hamburgers.

Do you have an offshoot hamburger? Oh, they do? Yeah, cheeseburger's delicious. Wow, cool. Yeah, yeah. They put some umami sauce on it. Jinya cheeseburger. Yeah, it's delicious. Actually, the Thai place by my house is there. No, the ramen place. The ramen was good. Was it good? Yeah. But anyway, can I finish my story? Bad mood? Mr. Bad mood? I'm not in a bad mood. How am I in a bad mood? I can tell with your eyes. I can tell with your eyes. What's going on? You just sleep well? You know me well. I know. What's going on?

I haven't been getting any sleep. Yeah, you'd look tired and just like on the edge. I'm having night sweats. Oh.

Oh. And I think it's because of the vaccine. I'm being serious. Night sweats? Night sweats. That's nice. I looked it up. It's part of it. Oh. Night sweats and one of my testicles disappears into my body in the middle of the night. It'll go up into my body. That's happened to me. And I'll have to go, and it'll come out. That happened to me all my life. It just disappears? It's just gone. It's never been there. Which one, right or left? Both of them are just tucked inside my fucking dick. Do you know how they feel like they're on strings? I feel like it just crawls up the string at night and then lets go sometimes. Yeah. But it feels so strange in my body.

How many wrinkles do you have? On my nuts? Yeah. I mean, my nuts are so wrinkled. I can't count. How could you? 362. 362? Yeah. Mine looks like a brain. It's just rolls like seaweeds. Yeah. It's seaweeds. Mine's bad.

Mine's like a... Is yours stretchy? I call it dune. Because there's like a little... Do you know that little monster? A little snake comes out? Too many people asked about you. That's all I want to say. It was annoying. And then everyone was like, tell us what school she's going to go to. And I said, we're going to reveal it on the show. Just wait until we get to it. We're going to reveal it. Do you want to reveal it? We haven't decided yet. We haven't decided yet.

Anyway, so we were at the restaurant. Can I finish my Jinya story or what? Yeah. Thank you. Bad mood. I'm not in a bad mood. See, I can tell of it. Andres, am I in a bad mood? Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. So we were at Jinya and Kalila goes, you know what? Juliana, that's her real name. Yeah. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy Juliana. Yeah. Rudy Juliana. Yeah.

You should have a waiting job. And I go, please. Oh, that'd be cool. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because you have your way to tables. Dude, I've done everything. I did busing. I did serving. I did hosting. I did dishwashing. Yeah. I did all of it. You get slammed, right? Yeah. For like an eight hour shift.

I mean, you're just, you know, especially at a busy restaurant, you get a section, right? Yeah. As a waiter. Yeah. And it's like ketchup here, Tabasco here. I got an order coming up here. I said no tomato. They want their check. And you're running around in a circle for eight hours. Losing it. Like a mania. Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck? You know what I mean? And then at the end of the day, you get-

$90. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Right? This ungrateful little... I don't. Right? She... But you sit here, you yawn. Yeah, she yawns. Right? You say three things, like...

Like, hey, great, Tito Andrew or whatever. And then sometimes out of nowhere she'll go, the Jews. And you're like, whoa, what? Too far. But my point is that I want her to have a waiting job. Yeah, you need one. So that she can just realize how lucky she is. All right, well, let's do it right now. I'm a customer. My husband and I just sat down to eat. Why don't you serve us? Hello. Hello. Hi. Do you have any specials?

Yes, we have the apple cider salad. Oh, you love apple cider salad. I love it. You love apple cider salad. That's your favorite. I love how they pigment the lettuce. They dip it, right? They dip it in the apple cider for like 24 hours. There it is. Delicious. Is that a real salad? That's an autumn chopped apple cider salad. What else? Do you have a salad for her? We have the carnitas.

I love carnitas. What does that come with? Tacos. Oh, so you get tacos with the carnitas? What kind of taco? So do you get carnitas, just a plate of carnitas? You get two things. You get tacos and carnitas. Wow. All right. How much is that?

$13. $13. For both things, we could share that. Pretty reasonable, actually. We could split that. So we'll split the apple cider salad, and then we'll also split the carnitas and the tacos. The tacos. Anything else on the special menu? Do you want drinks? Yeah, what do you have to offer? We're not really into – we're a couple, obviously. Clearly. Yeah, and her – him. I like gays.

What? She said I like gays. I know, but you don't. And you know what? That's so, we're fine with that. Yeah.

You're lucky we're fine with that. Yeah, but generally, if we were a black couple, you shouldn't say, I love blacks. Right. Even if you do, and that's fine that you do, but you just don't go, I like blacks. Internally, you can feel that, but to outwardly say that. Right. We're cool with the gay comment, though. We're fine with it. But how can I show that I like you? Just be nice to us. Yeah, just be nice, because we're normal. We're just people. We're regular people. Yeah.

Right. So don't treat us any different. So you have – we ordered those two things. So in terms of drinks, we're not into sugar right now. We're not. We're cutting sugar right out of our diet. And so – Water. It said, well, we want to fancy it up because this is – what is this restaurant called again? This is – what is the menu? Yeah.

Tototijuanas. Oh, Tototijuanas. Tototijuanas. I love Tototijuanas. This is a chain, right? Yeah. This is a great chain. It started in El Paso. There was two in El Paso and then one in Albuquerque, and then I think that's why they came here where we are now in Southern California. Tototijuanas. That's so delicious. Well, so here at Tototijuanas, do you have anything else to drink that wouldn't be water? Yeah. We have something similar to water. Which is what? Which is what? Um...

Spring water. Oh, spring water. Yeah, the spring water. Wow, fancy. That's cool. We do like that. We love spring water. We'll take a bucket of that. We'll take a bucket of spring water. A bucket of spring water, please. Okay. Do you have any desserts? We like to order dessert when we're ordering the whole meal. Yeah. We like it on the table to look at what's coming. To give us a reward. We just have chocolate pot pie.

A chocolate pot pie. Perfect. Perfect. It just seems like a lot of sugar. We are cutting out sugar. We're cutting out sugar. But desserts are full of sugars. Well, we've been to plenty of restaurants that don't have sugary desserts. Do you have anything lighter than a chocolate pot pie?

And what's in the chocolate? Is it... Let me ask you. Is it hot chocolate inside? Is it a chicken pot pie? So it's basically the crust of a pie. Inside, it's just pure chocolate. Melted chocolate. But sometimes the chef will give you a surprise and put potatoes and...

Oh, yeah. Like they do. That winning combination of potatoes and chocolate that everybody strives for. Yeah. Yeah, potato chocolate. Okay. Well, listen, that's fine. Do you have something lighter? Because look, he's not, but I'm on a diet, and I'd like to shed some pounds. And that's why he agreed to do the sugar thing with me, which was sweet of him. Well, I mean, just because you like gays. He is literally the bottom of the list.

Yeah, I mean, he's the bottom, so he doesn't really need to lose the weight. We like to call it the first layer. I'm the first layer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the first layer, so I just would like to lose a little bit of weight. Okay. So what else do you have that's lighter dessert-wise? Salad ice cream. Ah. Mmm. Salad ice cream. Just salad with ice cream on top? Yeah. What flavor ice cream is on top? Strawberry.

Strawberry. Ah, strawberry salad ice cream. Let me ask you this. So it's a lettuce cup and you scoop ice cream into it? Yeah. It tastes good. You know, there it is. There's that salad ice cream that you like so much. We like so much. Well, I guess we'll take those items. We'll take those items. Thank you. Okay, and now we're done. We're done now. Okay, ready? And can we have the check, please? Here you go. Ah, thank you very much. Thank you. Whoa, what...

Excuse me. $425? Well, how could we have... We got literally a salad, carnitas, tacos, and an ice cream salad. The spring water is... Oh, here we go. You ordered a bucket? Yeah, we did. Yeah, of spring water. So a bucket of spring water at this restaurant is $129? $135.55 it says right there. Yeah, $135.55. Wow. I guess that's the price. And where's this water from?

From Mount Everest. Oh, that explains it. I wish you told us that up front. We probably wouldn't have ordered it. He said you wanted fancy.

We did want fancy. Yeah. It just, okay. I don't, the one thing I don't like on here, you know, sometimes servers will sign their name. They'll write like, thanks Margo with like a heart in it. Right. Yeah. This one says, thanks you gays. I know. Why? I try to repass that, but. Look, it's fine that you feel that way and that you're cool with us, but you know.

Listen, we, I'll be honest with you, we're not, we just didn't realize that Tia Tijuana, what's it? Tia Tijuana. Tia Tijuana. Tia Tijuana. Tia Tijuana is so expensive and we only have $430. Yeah. So we're going to leave you whatever the tip, whatever the leftover. Just whatever change is left over. Is that okay? Is that okay? That's fine. I support gays.

Can I talk to your manager? Honey, honey. Honey, honey, honey. I want to talk to your manager. No, because that's the third time she said that. Let's not talk to the manager. We'll just call corporate. Okay, that's fine. We'll call corporate. I just want to say something, sweetie. Sweetie, you crossed the line. The first time, right, was okay. We were going to let that pass.

You threw one in there, you know what I mean? In the middle of everything. In the middle of everything, right? And now to add a third one is offensive? Not necessary. I was just saying it's fine. Let's talk to the manager. Let's talk to the manager, please. Ah, here he is now. There she is. Is there any problem? Here's the manager now. Oh, there he is. Any problems? Yeah. Yeah, your waiter mentioned –

You know, we mentioned that we were a gay couple. Oh, wow. We support gays in this. We get it. We understand. We know that. It comes from the top. It comes from the top. I know. You can feel it. It's trickle down. Trickle down. Racism. Homophobia. Homophobia, yeah. All right. So, sir, she multiple times during our meal had mentioned that

She liked gays, which we understand. That's a cool – that's fine. We like that. But I don't think she needs to bring up our sexuality during the dinner. Also, because I just was a side note. Why is spring water $125? That should have been my first question. Yeah, that should have been. It comes from Mount Everest. Right. Wow.

Well, I guess that's that. I guess that's that. That makes sense. Anyway, so she threw in a gay bomb in the middle. Three times, though. Three times. And the third one was a little offensive. Oh, I'm so sorry. Rudy Jules, can I talk to you for a second? Okay. You don't tell them that you like them. You just, like, smile, and that's it. That's right. But you said to express love. Yeah, but with a smile, you know, good service. That's it. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Is there a gay discount that you guys might have to make up for some of what you just did? We do have a gay discount. 20% off. If you can prove that you're gay. Can I just say something? If you can prove... You want us to prove that we're gay? No.

Can you imagine this restaurant? Hi. Can you imagine this restaurant? You have to prove your... By the way, I imagine a restaurant, a couple walking, a couple sitting down and Rudy comes up and just goes, I love gays. Yeah. We're leaving. Let me ask you something. We do a lot of gay stuff and I just feel like that whole scene... We don't do a lot of gay stuff. We do. We're always a gay couple. We're always fucking, right? And we're always doing something... This is a fantasy.

I understand that, but let's, you know, can we be something else like hermaphrodites or? Sure, fine. Or what is a hermaphrodite? You're born with both genitalia. Yeah. Let's just do that. Okay.

Let's try that. Not right now because we already did this scene. But if we're lovers. I know, but the next scene. Okay, the problem is. Let's not be gay. Okay, good luck. Yeah, we're brothers, but we both happen to be hermaphrodites. And sometimes we kiss. Yeah, sometimes. But that's just, you know, in a family. That's family stuff. Fine. Yeah, that's like to say goodbye. Yeah, we fucking kiss.

But that's family stuff. That's family stuff. That makes sense. But for us to always say that we're gay, I just feel like we need to stretch our legs. It's not that. It's not that. It's just because we're two guys that host this, and Rudy Jules is the resident queen of the pod here. Yeah. When we're in a relationship on the- But why aren't we pirates? You know what I mean? Because we're gay guys. Oh, yeah, that's right. Look at this, by the way. Look at what Gabs Gabs has brought up on the screen here. Yeah.

Honestly, you... I look like a girl that just is a... No, you look... Tramp. Yeah, you look like somebody that like...

I'm a heroin dealer. I'm in a small town. Right. Somewhere in Massachusetts. Right. And you look like somebody that says, I just don't have the money. Right. And I'm like, you know, I mean, what are we going to do about it? And I'm like, well, you know, I need to get something out of it. That kind of a situation. Like, well, what do you want? And then you you propose something that's like out of control.

Like, I'll stick dribbles in my vagina. Right. Right? And I'm like, I didn't offer that. But I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can I have the heroin? Yeah. I'll throw, I need the H-Bad. Yeah. This, actually, these two girls go out together. They do. These two girls go out and party at night. If you were a drug addict, what... What drug would I be? No, no, no, but like, if you and I were on crack, what is your line?

What do you mean? We're street people. Yeah. You and I are street people, right? Right. We're living under a tent. Yeah. Under a bridge. Under the freeway. Under the freeway. Yeah. We need heroin eight hours a day. Every eight hours, we need it. Yeah, our kick. We got to get our fix. Or we start going to detox, right? Right. So what are you willing to do? Honestly, though, what would you be willing to do? Kill.

You would? I don't want to do sex favors. Would you suck dick or kill? I don't want to do sex favors. I'd rather be the murderer. You, I know, you're not killing anybody. Really?

No, no. You're too much of a sweet boy. I'm stabbing for sure for heroin. But then you'll go to prison. I know, but it's better. And then I'll have to snog down there. So it's like I'll get over it at some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't want to do it. Oh, my God. That's Rudy as a dude? Oh, my God. Wow. There's Carlos Santillas. That's one of the members of the band. Yeah. Rudy, look at what you look like as a dude.

Why do you look like a Mexican guy? You look like what? You look like Gilbert a little bit. Yeah. I think you look like a Mexican guy there. Yeah. Wow. Let me ask you something. Last night we were watching the fights. Yeah. Yeah, we did. But there were, there were many nights ago, two weeks ago, a couple of weeks ago. Okay. Yeah. And you're watching the fights. We're in the, watching the fights. And, um,

I kind of got in a fight with the people in the house because let me just say this. I got slapped in the face, by the way. Who hit you in the face? Kalilah. Like backhanded in my face. Hard? She was going to go really hard, but she kind of held back a little bit. But I could tell. But there was an anger. You saw it, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's because, you know, Rose Namajunas fought.

Wei Li. Yeah. The Chinese one. Correct. Right. Love Chinese people. Yeah. I'm Asian. Stop Asian hate. I'm not doing it. Okay, go ahead. But I was rooting for Rose. Why? Because Rose does things that she seems like she does the impossible. Like when she beat Joanna Janjacek the first time. Right. It was it was there's no in your mind you would she was never going to beat her.

Right? I mean, because Johanna was just tearing through that division. And, you know, Johanna fought – not Johanna. Rose fought people like Paige Van Sant and people that weren't even in the same category. Same category. Yeah, Johanna was the queen of the strawweight division. Right on. Beat her. Yep. Knocked her out in the first round. Yep. And so in this one, it's like, you know, here we have Wei Li who's like this buff –

Monstrosity of... Jacked. Jacked, right? Like, just jacked. Chinese, so she's... You just think that her work ethic is probably out the window. You know what I mean? Right. And Rose is obviously not the betting favorite. People think she's going to lose. And she was able to...

Knock her out in the first round with a kick. Did you see that kick? It was pretty dope. Amazing. It was incredible. Right. Kicks to the face and the neck. That's so beautiful. Oh, my God. She falls over. She loses, Weili. And I... You know, I'm a poor winner. You love it. I'm a poor winner. You are a poor loser. You're just as poor of a winner as you are a loser. I'm a poor in everything. You're poor. Yeah. Yeah, I went... You were rubbing it in. Yeah, and I think I...

I did a fucking dance move, like a swirl. Yeah! You know what I mean? And I told you. And I went crazy. I told you. Did you say that? Yeah, yeah. Instigating. Yeah! I went to people's faces. Why? I went, yeah! You know, I went crazy, right? And she just went, pap, in my head. Good. And she goes, you know, are you white? Are you white? Yeah, because I supported the white one. You know what I mean?

Like in a situation that... You support a lot of whites. Now, when she said that, right, I go, maybe I am. Yeah, maybe you are. No, no, but... But am I? A little. Why? Well, because you support a lot of whites. Yeah, but...

Yeah, but it's like, why do I have to as an American citizen? As an American citizen, why can't I- You can choose whoever you want. Yeah, why can't I root for the American? I'm an American. You can. Right? But because I'm Asian, I have to vote, I have to root for the fucking China China? It should be your angle. Yeah, you should just want to go with the Asian. Right, so what I'm saying, if you're watching a sport- I have to root for Conor McGregor. I don't have a choice.

You do? Every time I had to. No, no. Even when I thought I shouldn't. No, really? Because it's like a thing. You're like, ah, it's a pride for a country a little bit. That's why they wave the flags at every UFC event. They always have their flags there. Yeah. It's just like you're supposed to a little bit. Huh. I don't know why. I don't like it. But it's like something inside you is like, I guess I should root for my own squad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. If it's racist, if it's like...

if it's like all about the race of it, but if it's about the nationality, then you kind of got to root for your national team. I mean, you're American, but like, but like what? But you know, you're, you're also Asian. Like I'm, I'm American, but I'm also Irish. So like, you know, yeah, I got it. You're Italian. I'm both.

But there's no Italian. What are the UFC Italian fighters that I'm rooting for? I want to live in a world where that's not a factor. I would love that. Put your hand down. I would love that. Don't do that. I would love that. Fuck you. But that's not possible. I know. You're talking about a utopian society. Yeah, I think. Can't we? Because let me just say. What are you, a liberal? No. What are you, a Libby cuck? Listen. Snowflake. That's why I loved Star Trek.

Star Trek lived in a world where everybody – people on planet Earth, there was no more money anymore. Right. Right? And people just strive to better themselves. But you love money. Just listen to what I'm saying, okay? I know. And maybe these are aspects that I hate about myself. Correct. So just listen to what I'm saying, right? Okay, go ahead. So it's like in that world, our whole objective is to explore, to grow, and –

To discover things about within ourselves and also on the outside. Right. But who's paying for the gas for the spaceship? Just the planet Earth. Right. And I don't think it runs on gas. What does it run on? You think there's a gas station up there? There's got to be. In the Romulan fucking. Well, what force does it run on?

No. No, dilithium crystals. Who's mining the dilithium crystals? Mexicans. For sure, Mexicans. Even in outer space. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

You're trying to get to a point. Yes, you're right. But I just want to get to a point where it's like – I understand what you're saying. I don't think you do. No, I do. I think you're saying that you wish that stuff didn't mean as much as it does. There's also a sense of guilt of like am I not supportive of other – like when I'm not – when Asians get beat up on the streets, it's offensive to me. Sure. Yeah.

And I want to fight that, right? And maybe if it was happening to another ethnicity, it would still be appalling to me but not as appalling. Yeah. Well, it's not going to affect you unless it literally has a connection. But I still would be – I mean it would affect me still. But I just find it interesting that it's like I can't support a white person. You can't.

But then I get backlash. But you do it privately. Within myself. Right, you do it inside. So when Whaley got knocked down, I should have went, oh, my God.

That kind of thing? That's so bad. Wow. Yeah. Okay. You have to celebrate internally. Who did you support? Did you like the fights, Rude? Yeah, I liked it. You like fights, huh? I supported Weili. When Weili got defeated, everyone was sad except Tito Bobby. That's why Atikaila got really mad.

What did I do? What did I do? You were screaming and jumping. Yeah, yeah. And then at the call, I said that Rose said something racist to Ailey. What did she say? Oh, before. Dead. All right. Here we go. So what? She said...

I guess her grandfather was Lithuanian. Okay. And died from the communists. That's terrible. He fell off a tower. What did the communists push him off a tower? Yeah, like Game of Thrones. Cool. It's a cool way to go. And then his – you know what I mean? Her grandfather fell off the tower and became a war guy.

You know, we could fly through a crow. That's kind of tight. Pretty cool. That's kind of cool. But no, she was like, I want to defeat communism. Oh, that's... Oh, so it was about race. Better dead than red. That was her thing.

I'm sure. Yeah. Right. Where, you know, you have to abide by. It's like, you know, I'm sorry. This is a comedy podcast. I'm just. Go for it, baby. Yeah.

But it's like, you know... You're saying she might not be communist. No, it's like, you know, that... Or agree with communism. ...76 days where it showed the first 76 days of, you know what I mean, the COVID epidemic.

epidemic in Wuhan. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, these villagers and these townspeople, they don't know what it is. They didn't have anything to do with. Right. Right. This outbreak. They're just born into a town. You're now a fisherman or whatever. You might be working at a market. All of a sudden you're sick. You don't know what the fuck is going on. Whaley is the same with probably communism. I mean, she's born into a system. Yeah. System. And the government knew, by the way.

What do you mean? The Chinese government knew. About what?

about corona they know but they didn't do you think that they it was a they didn't in a lab and they they didn't tell the people not to tell anybody they just didn't tell anybody when people were dying they were trying to find a way to cover it up yeah which is what our government does the same fucked up shit when they're like uh we'll figure out a way to come how weird that the government now is acknowledging aliens do you not see all these reports now that they're like they're open now about it for all these years that we're like that's a ufo that's a fucking ufo and the government's like no it's not and

And now, look up any article. They're like, yeah, okay, it's a UFO. Well, the little greys have been living with us probably about 70 years. At least. You know the little greys? At least. Yeah. At least. You know what the little greys are? Look up little greys. Little tinies. I told you about my experience with the little greys. Little grey bastards. Didn't I? No. Yeah. Have you been abducted? No, but I had an experience. Well, what is it?

And you're not going to believe me. I'm in. I'm really serious. I believe in aliens. First of all, let me just say this. Today, obviously, my tone is very serious. It was for a minute, but we can get back to that. No, no, no. That's why you know that when I talk about the little grays that I'm being serious. I can feel it. Thank you. I can feel it. So a long time ago, I was 17 years old, and I was in a rehab. First or second stint? It was my second one. Right on. Or third one. It was my third one. Third time's a charm. Yeah, yeah. I was at the McDonald's Center.

And I met this man. Wait, what? I didn't hear that. The McDonald's Center. Oh, the McDonald's Center. Yeah. Like the McDonald's sponsors a rehab? Yeah. How's the food? Delicious. Ugh. Yeah. They're like, while you're kicking heroin, get diabetes. Yeah. So anyway, I met this man there and he was like,

A 50-year-old man, he was in the – so I was in the kids' ward, the teenage drug ward. Right. You're there for 45 days. And then it was an adult ward, but sometimes we would get together and go to meetings and whatnot. Right? So I met this man there, and his name is Tom. He's 50 years old or whatever. And I would go to these men's meetings. I would run into this guy all the time. He looked like just a white accountant vibe. Yeah. Right? Right.

And one day – sometimes there's this thing after an AA meeting where they go – the meeting after the meeting, which is like all the guys or girls, they go to a restaurant and they socialize. Drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and eat all night. Yeah, you eat. I've seen you guys. At Swingers, they used to do it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like it. I just – it just – I can just – you can –

Go ahead. I just, when you walk in and they're, I'm like, Hey, can we get the table on the back? You know, that, that corner of swingers I used to love. And they're like, there, there's a group back there. I'm like, it's the fucking addicts. They're always back there. And they're drinking coffee all night. So they're never going to give up. They never leave. No, I hate it. They always have the good table. It's fine. Fucking addicts. It's fine. Fucking addicts. I knew every time there's a group back there. I'm like, God damn. So anyway, so we, so after, and sometimes when you go to a meeting, um,

You go around to people and go, hey, you guys going to go out and eat? No. Oh, some people are like that. Right? And so one day I was at a meeting and that happened. You guys going to go out? Yeah, but no, we're going somewhere else. But Tom was there, this old guy. He goes, I'll eat with you. And I'm 17. Okay. All right, where do you want to go? He's like, I love eating with little boys. Let's go to the delicatessen.

Or whatever. A deli. Yeah. I call it delicatessen. Delicatessen. So we go to the delicatessen. And we're just sitting there eating. And he goes, you know what I used to do, right? And I go, what? He goes, I used to work for the military. And I go, oh. And I'm just eating like an omelet. I go, oh, that's interesting. You know what I mean? I can't wait to get out of there. He goes, they're after me.

I love this guy. Why? I love this guy. Because they're after me. Why is it only white guys? I don't know why. It's us. And I'm scared now because I'm from the suburbs. Yeah. At this point, I've never seen a black person. Oh my God.

I don't know. So you think black people are after him? No, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. If I saw an American Indian, I would probably cry with joy. Right. Pick up trash. Yeah, I'm just like, no, no. I'm just like, I'm innocent. Yeah, because all my drug dealings and stuff happened in Poway. San Diego. From where I'm from. Tiny little neighborhood. Right, a little neighborhood. So I don't know anything outside this world. Okay. Right.

So I go, oh, cool. And he goes, in fact, they're after me. I go, oh, you know, I'm eating. Yeah, okay. And he goes, I'm living out of my van. And I go, and now I'm scared because I've seen TV shows. You know what I mean? This is where you die. Yeah, and I know what happens to little boys in vans. Right. He's like, finish your omelet. He goes, did you hear about the little greys? I know about the little greys, he said. And I go, and I'm like, now you're interested. I don't know, what's the little grey? He goes...

They live – they've been living amongst us for many, many years. They live underneath one – I don't know. I don't remember which one. I was young, so I don't remember which military, you know what I mean, compound. Area 51? No, it wasn't Area 51. It was somewhere in Virginia or whatever. And he goes, they live, you know what I mean, amongst themselves. They're little. They can read. They have telepathy. They have kinetic powers and whatnot, right? Yeah. And they live amongst us. And I go, oh. And he goes –

I stole files from the military. That's why they're after me. Right? That's what he says to me. Right. So I go, oh. And he goes, I could show you. Why is he showing a 17-year-old boy? I do. Right. It's during the day, though, too. And the parking lot's like...

You know what I mean? Okay. Packed. So he said, come out to the van. Yeah, it's a very popular delicatessen. Come on out to the van. Yeah, so I go to the van. Let me show you the files in the van. Yeah. So he opens up the back door, right? And I see a mattress, right? And now I'm in a point where it's like, I know I can run. Right, you're outside. Yeah. Also, he's an AA. He's a nice guy. So now, I'm not kidding you. On the side of this fucking van, right, there's a shotgun.

Guns, ammo. Inside the van. Yeah, inside, yeah. There's files, right? There's like a suit. Yep. Right? There's clothing in the corner of the van, right? I think there's like a little stove. Yep, he's got to eat. He's got to eat, right? Yep.

But it's like, you know, it looked like, you know, a zombie apocalypse van. It looks like a crazy person who steals little Asian boys and takes them in the van and says there's files in there. No, no, that's not true. And he goes in the van, comes out with these military documents. As far as you know. As far as I know. But, you know, I've never seen a military document before. That's why. They looked legit with the stamps. Gotta have a stamp.

What do you mean? Military always stamp stuff. Yeah, there's photographs. If there's anything you know about the military, they stamp. Photographs? Photographs. Cut to. So I see them, right? And I go, anyway, I got to go home. I'm in school, right? So I go home. And then maybe a year later, I don't see him for a year. Tom's gone. Yeah, I see him a year later. And now he looks different.

His eyes are like bug eyed. He's got like hair like this. Drugs. No. Okay. Right. And he just looks skinny. Drugs. And he looks fearful. Drugs. Okay. I don't know. Right. Don't make assumptions. Well, he was in AA. You're just mad about the swingers. Go ahead. You're mad about swingers. I know what happened. Okay. Go ahead. Okay. I go, hey man, how's it going? He goes, I don't have long left. Right. Drugs. And then I never saw him again.

Yeah. Yeah. This is drugs. No, the military. Probably he died of drugs, not aliens. The military got him. The alien heroin came. The military. And was like, whoo-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya. No, the military. The military got him. You think the military little guys got him? Yeah, yeah. Look up UFO. Look up government admits UFO. Don't hold your breath for a breakthrough. But still, the Department of Defense confirmed-

They're here. But isn't it fucked up? They're here. Don't you remember when we were kids? When we were kids, all we ever heard was they were like, that's bullshit. It's fake. The government shut it down constantly, right? Yeah. They used to be like, that's not true. There is no UFO. The moon landing was real. They told us all these lies. The earth is round. All these lies they've given us over the years. I know. Look at her. She's yawning again. I know. You need anger management classes. Sure. Yeah. See what I'm saying? Here we go. You're there. You're there.

It's right here. It's pouring out. You're going to cry. You're going to cry, Rach. I wish I could cry. Yeah, yeah. I haven't cried. When was the last time you cried, Rudy? Last night. Yeah, she cried last night. Why did you cry? A movie. What movie did you see? What movie?

Mortal Kombat. No, Sub-Zero, no! What did you cry for? It was a love story. A walk to remember. Oh, I love a walk to remember. Did you see it? Yes. Have you seen this movie? Are you kidding me? No. What a cute movie. What, it was good? It's really sweet. I pass. It's Mandy Moore. I pass. It's Mandy Moore. And what's the guy's name?

What a movie. A walk to remember. Do you even know what it's about? I don't like love stories. This is beautiful. Mandy Moore. And what's his name? Shane West? Shane West. So Mandy Moore is paralyzed. From the what? Huh? From the neck down. Why is it always the neck down? Why can't it be from the ears down?

Well, because you can still feel your ears usually because this is two separate. Oh, it is. I'm not a doctor. So Mandy, Mandy gets Mandy Moore. This movie gets in a tragic, a tragic car accident right after high school. This is her high school boyfriend, right? Yeah. She gets paralyzed from the neck down. Is this true? Yeah. Okay. She gets paralyzed from the neck down. Mandy Moore. Okay. Yeah. This everyone goes off to college and does their thing. Meanwhile, you know, she's, you know, she's totally bugged out in a wheelchair. She's Stephen Hawking basically. Okay. Okay.

And everyone goes off to college. Now, this guy moves back into town because his mom is sick, right? So he comes back into town. Years later. Years later. Years down the road. Like how many years? I think it's like five. What is it? Five or six years. Five or six years, he moves back into town. Comes back into this small little town. Yeah. Okay, in Tennessee. Yeah. And he comes back and sees old Mandy and whoo.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And they form a love connection because of the loss of his mother and that Mandy herself had lost her mother as well in the car accident. Okay. So then what happens? This is insane. You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe this. He gets her to walk. He actually gets her to walk. How? How?

He creates this like he's a... Why are you laughing? Nothing. It's just he knows the details. I did love this movie. Oh, you... So he's... I feel like he's making it up. No, this is the movie. Yeah. It doesn't seem real to me. It...

He's an engine. It doesn't because I'm saying he comes back. He falls in love with this girl. He's an engineer, right? He was a he was an aerospace engineer, right? He comes back. He builds her a contraption to get her out of the chair and it physically makes her walk on the beach for the first time. Let's be honest. So it's a walk tour and she's physically walking on the beach together. Can I ask the most beautiful movie I've ever seen? What? Let's suppose I've never seen this movie.

But I want to see it. You've never seen it? No. Yeah. So you were lying? Yeah, yeah. That's a great... But imagine her on the beach walking and he's machine operating a wall to remember. That was really good. So you never saw it? No, I have no idea what that movie is. I have no idea. What is it about, Roots? Yeah.

The girl has a sickness. Told you. You knew that? Did you know that? These movies are all the same, Poppy. These are written in a format. Andres knows what this is because he went to film school with the guy that probably wrote it. These guys all write the same movie. She's sick or he's sick and there's a family and there's a love connection and there's a guy that comes in the middle of it or someone else or her brother doesn't like him. These movies are... There's a billion of them. Yeah.

They're Hallmark. You've seen Hallmark film. There's a Hallmark film. The guy goes, there's a girl in the big city and she moves back to small town or vice versa. And it's like, oh, what's going on? Big, hot, hot, big city, hot shot. It's all the same. And then they find out that they all they need is love and you don't need money or work and whatever. And look at that. When Landon Shane West decides he wants to make his activity serious. He asked Jamie Mandy Moore to help.

and begins to spend most of the time with her. We start to develop strong feelings for the two started a relationship with a heartbreaking secret becomes known that puts their relationship to the test, which is, of course, she's sick. She's going to die. Yada, yada. This is the same as fucking what's the Macaulay Culkin movie with the bees when stung by the bees. My girl, my girl killer. So let me let me ask you all the same movie. But to me, just the premise in itself, I want to sound so bad right now, but just let's be honest with ourselves. I'm here. All right.

It's like if you're dating somebody in high school, you don't have the – or even early 20s, and you're – like I'm your girlfriend, I suppose. And I said – Are we gay for this part or not? No, no, no. I'm a girl. All right. Fine, fine. All right. So can we be homophobites? Yes. That's what I like. Okay, okay. So we're dating in high school. For real. Go. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think I should be the guy because this is my point. Okay. You be the girl for this time. That's fine. That's fine. I'm secure enough. Hey, baby. Yeah, what's up? How did the doctor appointment go? Wait a minute. I don't want to play that character like that. That's cheesy. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Do it again. All right. Hey, sweetheart. Hey, what up? No. Why? I don't like it. She's post-op. She's not post-op. No, no, no. Because I... Why can't I play the girl that I want to play? Can you just play...

You're post-op? You want to play post-op? Just go again. It's fine. I got to go deeper, though. That's fine. If you're going to go deep, I got to go deeper. But you don't have a deep voice. I'm going to try. All right, go ahead. Hey, baby. Hey, what's up? Man, I love you, boo. I love you, too. So what's going on? What was the doctor's appointment like? Pretty bad.

I got three letters for you. H-I-V. HIV. That's what they said. Holy man. Because we've been fucking without condoms. We've been raw talking. Raw talking. Yeah, baby. Well, I'm your girl. Right. You love me. Hold up. So stay right here, okay? I want to make a phone call. You got it. All right. Ring, ring. Hello, doctor.

Let's play the doctor. Hello? Hi. I think I need a HIV test. Okay, you can... Tomorrow. Okay, you can come by tomorrow. 2 p.m. Okay, I'll be free. Okay, so... Okay. Baby? Yeah? I made a doctor's appointment. Okay. Yeah. So, anyway, you dying? Clearly.

Wait a minute. What was this about at the beginning? We got away from it real bad. Wait, you said no one in high school. No one in high school. Even in your 20s. It can't be HIV. It can't be HIV. I'm dying of cancer. It can't be HIV though. Why? Because HIV. People get it. You can still live with HIV. When does this movie come out?

When did this movie come out? 2002. It was still maybe back then. There were still people getting the cocktail. Maybe, but it was tougher to live back then. Can it be a different disease? Fine. All right. And the voice. All right, we'll switch up the voice. Just be you. The voice is driving me crazy. Okay, go ahead. Well, let's do voices, but let's just figure what that is going to be. Let's surprise me. Okay, perfect. All right. Hey, baby. Yes. No? Cut, no. I can't do a face? Let's just be normal. Let's just do normal. All right, go ahead. Tell me what the scenario is like.

Well, let's improvise it. I know, but what I'm asking. What I'm asking telling you is that I don't think that a young couple, right? I think that if a guy is dating a girl and she's like, I have this rare disease. I'm going to be dead in six months, right? Yeah. Right? I think that he'll stay with the girl out of guilt. What if he's in love? I don't know. Rudy, wow, you're a hard person. Yeah, women are different.

I'm being real. It's like... Okay, if Kalilah got into it... That's different because... If Kalilah got sick right now... It's different because... Because you're older. I'm older. I understand what life is much more. Sure. You know what I mean? I have more days, you know what I mean, behind me than ahead. Let's ask Gabs then. She's another woman that's not Rudy then. Yeah, but women have a different point of view. I feel like if I...

If I had some terminal disease and Kalilah had to take care of me, it would be far different than if it was vice versa. Why? My feeling – because I just don't know how to do it emotionally like a woman does. You're saying her strength – they're stronger than you. Yeah, it's like I need to go to the appointment to get my spine – you know what I mean?

Regenerate it or whatever. And I'm like, where do we got to go? We have to do regeneration therapy Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and it's in Santa Barbara. Noon to two. Yeah, and we have to get up at seven in the morning. And it would just be one of those things where it's like- Spine regeneration. Yeah, it's going to be one of those things where it's going to be like, I'll obviously go, yeah, we'll do it, right? But it's going to like, I think it'll show on my face. Yeah.

Like in the morning, it would just be like, all right, let's go. So if Kalilah needed spine regeneration and she was slowly done. I would do it. I would do it. Begrudgingly. But you're lazy, Tito Bobby. There it is. And that's exactly my point. And that's exactly correct. Not a lot of guys are lazy. Maybe Tito Andrew isn't lazy. That's right. Right. No. I would take her to do it and I wouldn't even think about it. Either would I. But.

But you just said you were. I'm being honest. You said you. I'm being too. It wouldn't bother me. I don't think you're being honest. No, I'm being genuine. If she said I had to go. So every Monday, you have to wake up six months. It wouldn't even. No, because I wake up on Monday night. And she's going to die anyway in six months. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Because then it's a countdown. Yeah, me too. How exciting. Six months? Me too, me too. Then every month, I'm just like, five more months. Yeah, yeah. How about this? If Kalilah got into a tragic car accident and she was paralyzed from the neck down, would you stay? Yeah. You would stay? 100%. Because it'd be easy to leave.

I wouldn't. How could she catch you? No, there's no way. Because your house isn't wheelchair ready.

Because her and I have – History. No, no. It's not just history. It's a – Clearly I'm kidding. Of course you would say. It's a connection that's far beyond just the physical. Right. If I can say. It's probably more than – it's probably almost never not physical. Because she was today or she was talking about how like – Your relationship is maybe not physical at all anymore. We are physical, but today she was talking about how when she was born or growing up,

Yeah, growing up, there was these two teenage girls that were murdered in the Philippines and they had their titties cut off. Right. And she knew a guy that was accused of it, whatever it might be. You knew the guy? No, she didn't. She wasn't born yet. Kalilah did. But I was like, she's like, it could have been me and my sister. Right. They got their titties cut off. Right. And then my response after that was like, oh, well, then my life would have been completely worse than it is now.

Because she didn't have tits? No. If she had died, you know what I mean, in the 70s or 80s, right? Right. Then – and I never met her. I don't know if I would be here with you right now. I don't think – I think my life would be completely different. Butterfly effect. For sure. Everything would be different if it was different. I think it would be way worse because it's like – Well, that's hard to say. I'll tell you why, though, I think that's true is because –

Everything that's positive in my life... Is because of her. ...is a direct result of meeting her. That's probably true. In terms of just the trajectory of my career, the trajectory of wanting to get better as a human being, the trajectory of just everything. You think if Kalilah didn't check you down when you relapsed, if you didn't have her, that would have been the end? I might have still...

been out there you know what I mean but it's not even just that it's like when I did years ago when we lived in that apartment on Beachwood she was like we should do a podcast and I'm like no she goes well I'm going to do one on my own then go ahead she went to the guitar center by herself she set it up in the room and she did it on her own for like a month right and then one day I walked by her the door was open and she was just sitting there in her mic and just

doesn't know what to say. You know, she's just sitting there. She had done it. Right. And I just kind of went, all right, we'll do one. So I would go, let's just call Tiger Bell. And she's like, why? I'm like, because no one's going to listen to this anyway. It doesn't make any sense as a non-sequitur. Right. Right. And we started doing it. And then here we are. You know what I mean? I am a podcaster. Yeah. Right. Because of that experience. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. So it's like everything. She has had a positive effect. Everything. Everything.

So without her, you'd be worthless. I might be. Truly. Who knows? I could have found something else in life, but I think I might have got it COVID because she's so adamant. She was very strict about this pandemic, and I followed the rules of the house. You sure did.

What do you mean? No, you did. I did, and I didn't get it. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. I got it. I know you did. A little bit cooler than you. No. You're responsible. A little bit cooler than you. You're responsible. It was a little bit cooler than you. No. And you got your wife sick. Oh, not only her. I got 55 other people sick.

When I found out I had it, I went out. I didn't stay at home. I was out, out and about. Starbucks, no mask. Coffee, thank you, please. Next, Trader Joe's. You know what I mean? Everywhere I went, dude. I was spreaded it, dude. I was so, I loved it. You're a douchebag. I loved it. You're a douchebag. And people were like, oh, sir, you're not wearing a mask. I'm like, so what? I came up from Huntington Beach. I was coughing, dude. Spitting and coughing.

I wasn't irresponsible. I got it with a friend outside. How do you know? We got it from Christy. I know. From Chris's friend. His Mexican friend. His Mexican friend? You misquoted what he was like a thousand times. That doesn't matter. He's not Mexican. He's a stand-up? He is. Does he feel bad about it? He does. He should. It's something about me that won't let certain things go. Like what?

Like I have this thing where it's like – and I want to change this about myself where like –

You know, like my falling out with the La Jolla Comedy Store. You can always bounce back. But you know what happened, right? I do. Yeah. You want to talk about it? Yeah, I'll talk about it. I just can't forgive this guy. Sure. But why can't you forgive people? That's the thing. It's something that I have within myself, whereas I get a grudge. Yes, you hold a grudge. And I hold it in my heart forever. Get rid of that.

I know, but it can't. But that's going to kill you faster than it kills them. It doesn't hurt me. It does subconsciously. You don't even know it, but it does. Things like that do hurt us. It's like, I'll tell you what happened. You know that club got gutted and closed at one point. Did you know that? Yeah, I do. Okay. So that club. No, no, no. So the manager what? No, no, no. The manager what? When I was a kid, right? And I went into that club, right? And Mitzi one day said, I'm closing it down.

Right. Okay. Who's losing money. No, she's like, I'm moving it. She moved the comedy store to the beach. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. On the coast of law. You weren't around that. No, I heard about it. I know the story. So then that comedy store, the one that we know in La Jolla, right? Yeah. Was completely gutted. It was going to be like a furniture shop. Right. Right. The beach, there was no parking there.

So they started freaking out. And the last second, she's like, let's go back. Right? But now the club was gutted. Right. So me, Freddie Soto, guys like Johnny Sanchez, when we were kids, we went in there and we put the bamboo on the wall, the bamboo. Yeah. Right? We built the stage. We went in there, put carpeting down. We did it all. Right? Right.

Then I worked there as a doorman. That place was my fucking home. I know every crack of that club. It's like your hometown house that you grew up in. Can you imagine that? It burned down. Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right. I did it. Really funny. But I know what you mean. Yes. So anyway, so now after I was on Mad TV or whatever, right?

Maybe after a little after that. And I had to do a special, not special, but a standup set on TV. I forgot what it was. Sure. So I wanted to work out a set. So I called the La Jolla comedy store and I, I talked to a good doorman and I go, yo, what's going on tonight? He's like the best of San Diego. So I go, or I'm going to drive down because I don't want to work it out here in Hollywood. And I just want to work it out there. He's like, come on down.

So I drive two and a half hours or whatever it is. Right. To La Jolla. I go into the club and this manager who I didn't even know he was new there. Right. I go, all right, when can I go up? And he goes, you can't go up here. And I go, why? Because we're doing pretty funny women. Right. Yeah. So I go, all right, well, I'll wait and I'll just go up at the end. Compromise. What year is this? This must be 2005. You're on mad. Yeah. Okay.

Right. So you say, I want to go up the end of the show that's called Pretty Funny Women. Yeah. Which gives women opportunity that usually they didn't have a lot of spots. Exactly. But I'll go up at the end. But I want to go at the end. Yeah. Headline the Pretty Funny Women show. Special guest. Got it. Okay, you're making me mad right now. I'm agreeing with you. I literally just said got it. I don't think so. I just said got it. I'm just trying to figure out the context. I need context. Oh, if it was like an all Hispanic show, right? Pretty Funny Bees. Yeah. Yeah.

And you... And I popped in. Popped in. At the level that you're at now, right? Imagine the talent on the thing. There's no name that these are... It's basically open mic night. Right. I walk in and they're like, hey, it's hot tamale night. Right, right. And you go, yeah, I'll go up at the end. You know, it's like... Okay, so just go back. You said I want to go up at the end. Yeah, and he goes, no. Right. So I got back in my car and I drove away. But I told him...

Maybe I sound like a baby. What did you say? I said, if you don't put me up right now, I drove two and a half hours. Right. I'm never going to play this club again. Can I ask? And he goes, fine. Really? Yeah. Did you call anybody and say, I'm coming down? I just told you I did. Who did you contact? I called the phone guy during the day. And the phone guy was like, cool. Come on down. Right. Miscommunication. So you should have said to the manager, didn't the phone guy tell you I'm coming? Yeah. I probably said that. And he was like, no, he didn't tell me.

Yeah. And then you're like, oh, okay, well then fire that guy because that's his fault. That's fine. I'm not going to – all the doorman and the phone guys are all stand-ups, right? Yeah. So I'm not going to fucking ruin somebody's dream. Sure, but then – but it's not the manager's fault. It's not that big of a deal. It's a La Jolla. Just put me up. Okay. But it's not that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal. So go back.

No, because I already said, if you don't put me up, I'm never coming back here. And he goes, that's fine with me. So I go, at that point, I'm like, now I can never come back. But what I'm telling you is it doesn't bother him. It bothers you. It doesn't bother me. This is going back to my original point. We harbor those things and it doesn't hurt him. He doesn't lose any sleep about it. He's never even thought about it since it happened. But it does bother you because you still know it so well.

So what you want me to do is go, I'm back. I want you to go, hey, I want to come back. And then I see the guy. And he'll go, dude, it's so great to have you here. We wish you came over the years. I'm sorry that that fucking thing happened. You're making me so mad right now. But it's so real.

But I'm telling you, you can fix something that is not even a problem. No, I refuse. I refuse. You know what it is? Because let me give you a parallel. When Rogan told the story. I refuse. I'll tell you why I refuse. Okay, when he's fired, what if he gets fired or quits? Then will you go back? Oh, yeah. Okay, so it's all him. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. I'll go. Or he could call me and go, listen, I'm sorry. But what did he do? I'm sorry for not putting you up.

On the Pretty Funny Women show. But that is a funny quote. I'm sorry for not putting you up on the Pretty Funny Women show. Right. If it was like in L.A., right? Yeah. And it's like. But it's not L.A. Just listen to what I'm saying, right? Right. If the lineup is like Sarah Tiana, Sarah Silverman, you know what I mean? Whitney Cummings. And they're like. Ali Long. 100%. I'd be like, you know what?

I can't be on the show. But why not? Because I'm not a woman. But why could you be on the other show? Because it's like a packed room and it's like, you know, I'm- Because they weren't famous enough, the other women. Exactly. Right. And you understand my point of view, right? I don't.

I mean, I know why you feel that way, but I don't think you're right. Right. I think you're wrong. I love you, but I think you're wrong. Okay. I think the manager was put in a bad position. And then you now, after all these years, you're big Bobby Lee. You're, you're in space right now of comedy. You can do whatever you want. Why don't you just go? Well, then I want to ask you another question. Yeah. Can I ask you another question? Of course. Is there any level that you can be? Yes. To get put up on that stage?

Yes. If Chris Rock, let me just say, if Chris Rock drove down there, could he go up there? He wouldn't do that. Oh, no, that's not true because I've seen, I was a doorman at the La Jolla Comedy Store. No, what I'm saying is if Chris would call and go, I'm coming to come down and I'm coming up and they would make it a thing. Right. Right. So my point is, if you were more famous, they would have been like, yo, Chappelle is coming and the whole show would have shut down. So what you're saying to me right now is that I just wasn't famous enough to make that happen.

Well, to make the thing a thing, yeah. You weren't famous enough to try to bump someone on the Pretty Funny Women show. Right, so there's a level that you can, though. And I still don't think you should. But is there... It happens all the time. It happens, but it's like... But it only should happen if like... But like, I think all headliners know. Why would you need it? You don't need to go... No, because I remember one time I was a... The circumstances are so specific. Listen, I was a doorman, right? At the comedy store in La Jolla. And on Tuesday nights...

Fred Burns gave us the room. So they go, it's all six of you. We're doorman. You guys work your ass off to pack this room. So we would take these tickets. Flyers, yeah. And go to, back then it was called Jack Murphy Stadium. And when there was a Padres game, right, we would pass out these tickets. Free tickets, right? And we sold out this room. Oh, no, it was paid? No, I mean, it was a, yeah, it was a papered room. Papered room, yeah. But we got the whole Tuesday night, it was packed. Dope. Right? Yeah. Our show. I love those guys. Right?

We showed up and Chris Rock was in town. Cool. This is before Bring Your Pain, though. Bring the pain. Bring the pain. Right. All right. And they go, Chris is going to go up. Yeah. In the middle of it. He got a lot. And they do an hour. That's awesome. Right.

And there's nothing we could do. That's right. He went up. That's right. Did it. Right. And then some of us weren't able to go up. Yeah. You know what I mean? And some of us got fucked. And we worked really hard to do the show. My point is, that's... You know what I mean? But you're not Chris Rock. I was... But... I know... I understand that. But this is Chris... Just let me defend myself. But you're not Chris Rock. I understand. But this is Chris Rock, right? Chris Rock was... Became...

Huge. Huge. After Bring the Pain. Huge. Right? Yep. Before Bring the Pain. But before that, we knew it was Chris Rock. He was fucking phenomenal. Right. So what you're saying is that- Chris Rock arguably then was probably just- So what you're saying, your point is, I could have bumped, right? Yeah. Pretty Funny Women if I was Chris Rock. Yeah. Yeah.

And I wasn't big enough. That's right. Okay. And since the circumstances were- Because it's also, I want to add this little thing into it. It's also my home club. I know. That's why I think you should squash this. No, I will not. I refuse to. How about this? No, I refuse to. How about we do a bad friend show then? I'm going to double down. Would you do it with me? No, I refuse. I'm going to double down now, right? Double down. I'm going to do everything I can.

From this point forward, I'm acting like a little baby. I love it. All right. From this point forward, I'm going to do everything I can. I will never give up. To take the club down. No, not to take the club down. I will never give up. I'm going to try to get as big as I fucking can. Let's do it. And let me say something right now, right? I'm in a very good trajectory right now. You're killing it.

Are you being sarcastic? You're killing me. Don't make me mad. You're killing it. What else do you want to know? And I'm going to do everything I can to get bigger and bigger. Did you watch any of the Pretty Funny Women? Did you stay for any of it? Seriously?

You have me in such a bad mood. I don't know if I can continue. You did this. I didn't do this. You talked about it. I just want you to agree with me. What I agree with you on is it was a fucked up. You don't agree with me. You're being devil's advocate. You know what the show is, eh? It was a fucked up situation. Yeah. It was not fair. But I don't think you should hold it out to your San Diego fans. How about that? If you yawn again.

Dude, it's been the whole show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been the whole show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't want to be here. And the worst part is the fans like you, and that's what's so annoying. It's so annoying. They love you so much. This is doing so much for your life. No, I want to be here. Right? So anyway. Pull the mic up to your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, it's so, it's just a one rule. It's not this ever. It's never been. It's right here always. Listen, guys. I want to be here.

All right. So here's the deal. All right. I just want to do a group apology. Okay. All right. You have a tendency because I love you so much. I love you. We're like we're family. We are. To really dig in. Right. And to get me there. Yeah. You got me there for the first time. Right. But let me tell you something. Right. It'll never happen again. You got it. No, it's not that I got it. Don't even do that. Right. What I'm going to say to you is this. I am acting like a child about it.

Yeah. About that situation. Right. And I am going to grow.

I love that. And so what I'm going to say to everyone in this room is that... Listen up, everyone. Everyone in this room, all right? Thank you for being involved in this project that we're doing, right? Let's take one foot in front of the other and step into the future, into the bright future. I like it. And I want to say that I really appreciate everyone's energy and positive energy here, right? And I'm not going to let you, right? God bless. Yeah, your psychological, mental attacks on me. I didn't do anything.

I understand that, but you know how to fuck. You know that my buttons, right? And I know yours and I'm not going to press them because I'm a good person. I didn't press any of your buttons. Yeah, you did. And my point is, is this, okay? Thank you so much, Gabby, for being here. Thank you so much. Fancy. Fancy B for being here.

You're yawning. It's fine. Be you. And you, your rage eyes, it's not going to affect me. Let's move on. You want to play a fucking program? Let's do another program of the show. Let's go. What do we got? Let's do it. Let's play games here, man. I feel great. Okay. All right. Okay. So, Andres, introduce what you've got. Yeah, introduce what we got.

So we because we love movies so much in this show, we selected a few super famous popular movies in the US for Rudy to tell us what the plot is about based on the poster and the title. This is OK. But before we go into that, can I just mention something real quick, though? Yeah, because I am the call 50 percent of this.

What the? I didn't say anything. I know, but I'm just, for some reason, I have to, I mean, right now, basically, I'm Scorpion and you're Sub-Zero. I'm Raiden. No, you're not Raiden. I'm Raiden. You're not Raiden at all. How am I not Raiden? Because Raiden's a good guy. I am Raiden. No, you're not. You're definitely like Cabal. Jax.

You're not Jetson. You're not black. Yes, I am. I can be whatever I want. All right. I'll be Sub-Zero. You're Chung Li. Oh, that's right. I am. You're Chung Li for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And first of all, I would be Scorpion. He's the only one that's close to my color of red. That's true. No, no, no. I'm... Yeah, because Scorpion throws fire, dude. I'm Scorpion. You're Chung Li. Yeah. And you are...

She's... What's Melanie? What's her name? Milena. Yeah, Milena. Milena. Milena. Milena. Anyway, it's about movies is what I want. Let's go back to the movie thing that we're going to do. I had a discussion with Kalani all the time because we mentioned Three Amigos. And I go, I can't believe you haven't seen that to this one. And then Kalani goes, well, she was born in this time.

Right. But it's like I know who the Beatles are. Exactly. I hate that argument because it's like when I was a kid. Right. I saw Citizen Kane. That was in the 50s. Right. I saw I know what I know. Frankenstein wasn't in my right. I mean, I go for I watch the classics. If it's good, everyone will know it for the rest. Right. So it's like you should have seen this movie already. Yeah. And you haven't seen this film.

No, I haven't. Okay, so based on the movie, the poster, tell us what it's about. Can you zoom in? Zoom in. What's a Shawshank? You got to figure it out. You have to tell us. Tell us what it is. It's about two guys in the military. Correct. That's what I actually know. How do you know that? Yeah. What else? And then it's World War I. Yep. Yep.

And then they... What do they do?

What's Shawshank? That's a war. That's a war. It's a war. Okay. Okay. Okay, so two guys in the military, they are the ones that defeated the enemy in Shawshank. Yeah. And they freed the people who were in prison. Exactly. That's actually right. That's exactly right. That's actually right. Yeah. And the guy on the right is... Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, we know that. The guy on the right, his name in the movie is... It's a dead giveaway. It's a nickname based after what they used to call him when he was a kid. They would look at his picture. They would call him... Deshawn. Deshawn. Deshawn, yeah, Deshawn. And the guy on the left, his nickname or... Well, his name in the movie is his nickname. And he looks like...

Nick. Nick and Deshawn. Nick and Deshawn. They're in the Shawshank War. Yep. Right? They go in. They liberate the town. Yeah. Free the guys from the prison. Right? Look at the bottom what happens. That right there is the moment that you need to... What is that? What is that? Titanic? Titanic?

It's the Titanic. Exactly. So this is crazy. You're not going to believe this, but that scene from the Titanic was actually in this movie first. They did that scene in this movie. Yeah. And then the Titanic stole it. So it's an homage to World War I. He's actually on a boat. He's on the head of a boat because, you know, Shawshank, right? The war. The war. Shawshank is an island. I don't know if you know this.

Right? So he's on the boat. It's close to where you grew up, by the way. I'm the king of the world. He says that. I'm the king of this world. Nick, right? Is that his name? Nick said it, yeah. Nick goes, I'm the king of the world, right? And right there, does that look like rain? It's not. You know what it is? Blood. It's bullets and blood. Bullets and blood. Bullets and blood.

I'm the king of the world. It's a crazy scene. It's kind of like Scarface when he was like, you know, and he's getting shot up on the back. She's never seen Scarface. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. Okay. Have you seen this movie? This one, of course, is an American classic called The Godfather. And The Godfather, of course, is about what? What is it about? I've heard about it. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Is it about like gangsters? Yeah. Yeah. There we go. It is.

And that? And he is a mafia. Yeah, a mafia. And what's his name? The actor's name? I mean, that's next to impossible. You do know that actor. You've seen him before. Yeah, he's European. Eastern European. He looks like Joaquin Phoenix. His name is Joaquin. That's actually good. His first name is Joaquin. But his last name isn't Phoenix. His last name is... Joaquin...

Cher. Cher. Sherlinger. Sherlinger. Walking Sherlinger. And he plays, in the movie... The father. The father. The godfather. The godfather. Very good. Now, at the bottom it says, I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. Who did he make the offer to? Who did Joaquin Sherlinger make an offer to? I don't know.

The father? The other father. The other father. Because there's more than one father. Of course there is. Well, you have the godfather, right? The regular father. But, you know, other clans have other fathers. So there's another father and he goes, I'm going to make you an offer that you can't refuse. Do you know what the offer was? What's the offer? The offer was... From the godfather to the father. What was it? To save...

the niece or he dies save the niece or he dies exactly he did say i'm getting you better i that in the movie he said i'm gonna make him save the niece or he dies that was one of the scenes that's very good very good you're actually two for two ah another classic do you know who clint eastwood is do you know who that man is no but is his son the one in suicide squad i forgot he's also handsome

Jared Leto. No. Jared Leto is the son. That's right. What's his son's name? That guy. That's exactly right. It's also Clint Eastwood. His name is Clint Eastwood Jr. Clint Eastwood Jr. Let's go back to The Good, Bad, and the Ugly. What is this movie about? Cowboys. What does this mean? The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

There's a good cowboy, there's a bad, and then there's an ugly cowboy. Exactly. That's kind of like this show. Exactly like this show. Okay, next one. This is what a classic. What a good one. It was actually shot in another language. You know what other language it was shot in? And then it was translated into English. Italian. You can see by looking at this, it's shot in Italian. And so the guy in the center, what's his name?

Well, there's the names up there. Robert De Niro. So the guy in the center's name is Robert De Niro? Yeah. The guy on the right? Joe. Yep, Joe. I can't see the last name. Pepsi. Joe Pepsi? Pepsi. Joe Pepsi. And the guy to the left is? Ray Lota. Ray Lota. Ray Lota. And Joe Pepsi. Yeah. And it's called Goodfellas. And what is it about?

Also Mafia. Exactly. What are the relationships between these three? Brothers. Exactly, they're brothers. By the way, triplets. I know you know it's a Mafia movie, but what era? What's the time? Give us a time frame. 1985. Right, just about. Pretty much. 1985, pretty much. What city does it take place in?

New York. New York. Where else but New York. And so one quick question. The guy on the far left, Ray Latta, him and Joe Pepsi had a falling out at some point during the film because the middle guy, Bob De Niro, did what?

What did he do to cause their falling out, those two guys on the other side? The middle guy killed that girl, but that girl is... Those are old men. There's no girl on the poster. The one on the floor. Oh, that's also a man. That's a man. It could be a woman. That's a woman. Maybe they're gays. Maybe they're gays. Yep, they're gays. Exactly. And we know you would serve them happily. Happily.

What a film. You've never seen this either? No. Jesus. Wild. Great movie. So Jack Nicholson. Yeah. Do you know who that is? No. Laker Game? No. You don't know who Jack Nicholson is? Courtside? Laker Game? Crazy here? I've heard about his name, but I don't know. I'm sure you've seen him in some social reference, right? You can't name any other movie that Jack Nicholson was in? So one flew over the...

The cuckoo's nest? The cuckoo's nest. The cuckoo's nest. Now, what do you think this is about? He's looking up there in the sky, smiling. Yeah. I think it's similar to Dumb and Dumber. Yep. Exactly. That's a comedy. It's a comedy. Yeah. Right? And he... What happens in this comedy? What's the setting in this comedy? Like, where does it take place? They're in prison. They're in prison again. Again. And then he finds...

Someone who is dumber. Uh-huh. Pretty good. Yeah. And then they try to escape. They try to escape the present. But they do pranks. They do pranks. To escape. To escape. Fart gags. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Home Alone fart gags? Yeah. A couple of BBs raining down from the sky? I like it. Next movie. Honestly, you're killing it. She already saw this. I saw this. Oh, you did see Sansan? Great. How about this one? Wait, go back to Silence of the Lambs. What is it about? It's about...

She saw it, huh? We saw it together, yeah. Yeah. It's about a serial killer. Yeah. And... Wait. Wait, I forgot. No. Yeah, it's a serial killer and then this girl investigates the guy. Uh-huh. Is it this movie? What? I forgot already. The smoothie? What do you mean? Is it this movie where... There's a smoothie in it? The girl interrogates the serial killer and then...

The guy escapes. I forgot already. Okay. You're not going to know the next one. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you forgot that movie, as powerful as that was, something tells me you're not going to be able to just guess what Casablanca is about. Go ahead. Do you know where Casablanca is?

Casablanca. Is it a casino? Yes. In what city? What city? Las Vegas. Las Vegas. And if you go to Las Vegas now, there's the beautiful Casablanca Hotel and Casino. And Spa. And Spa. Yeah. And it's right there on the strip in the middle of everything. Right. Right next to MGM, I think. Yeah. And who's in it?

Bogert Bogert's in it Yep Who else? Bergman Bergman Bergman's in it Bergman's in it Birdman the rapper's in it Yeah

Hen-real? Hen-real. Hen-real. Hen-real. He's a soccer player. Yep. Hen-real. Hen-real is a soccer player. Hen-real is a soccer player. So in this movie, just a quick little thing. He's got a gun there. You see that. Is he protecting all those people behind him? Or is he out to get some of those people behind him? I think he's protecting the woman, but not the other guy. Very, very good. Very, very good. Because the guy in the top right is a... You can see him over his hat. He's a... He's...

J with a J Jew Yes There it is Jew Yes Correct That's what the movie's about Yep Jimmy Stewart I've never heard of this Rear window What do you mean? You've never heard of this? It's a guy Oh wait The director Who directed it? It says it It says it Alfred Hitchcock Have you heard of him?

No. This is the only movie he did. Yeah, he only did one movie. That's fine. And then he died in a car accident. Yeah. Right. So Alfred Hitchcock, we don't know much about him. Almost nothing, really. Really. No one really knows much about him. He did one movie. He got out of film school. You know what I mean? So 15...

turned this movie down. Right? And Alfred Hitchcock, this guy, you know, skinny guy. Brand new. Brand new. Young guy. Right. He directs this movie and he dies in a car accident. And what do you think happens in this movie? It's pretty easy to tell because this poster is pretty, they paint a good picture. Look at the poster and what happens in this film? The guy is stalking the girl. Yes. Exactly. And what happens to her? Look at that big thing on the right. What happens to her?

Where? Look at the big thing next to him. What is that tall thing? A building? Yeah. What happens to her? What happens to her? She falls? She falls. Because look at the blue in that. See up there in the blue? Yeah. Right? Look at her blue dress. He was a peeping Tom. He was spying on her. Her last line is, I shouldn't have stood so close to the real one. And then dead. But maybe he pushed her. Plot twist. Don't give it away. Don't give it away. Oh, boy. Oh, this is a good one. We've talked about it on this show an awful lot. A lot of times in this movie.

Okay. You've seen this? Have you seen this? No. What's it called? Apocalypse Now. Yes. What happens? What's the setting? They're in Africa. Exactly. Well, part of Africa. How'd you know from the poster? It kind of looks like it. That's actually a good call. Pretty good. If you name the country, we can move on. What country does this take place in in Africa? Nigeria. That's the one. That's the one. And good thing you did I- Here we go. I-U-R-E-A, not the other one. Look who's back. Who's that actor? Look who's back. Look who's cuckoo. Look who's cuckoo. Look who's cuckoo.

Who's the guy? Here's Rudy. We saw him before. I know. Have you heard of him before? Alfred Hitchcock. It's Alfred Hitchcock. There he is. It's Alfred Hitchcock. And that's the shinnen. And now what's this movie about? The shinnen? The shinnen. It's not the shining? No, it's shinnen. Shining? There's two N's in shining.

This is the shinning. This is the shinning. And in the shinning, of course... In the shinning, what happened? You can tell right away. It's so easy. Look. What's exposed on his mouth? You see his teeth, right? What's it about? Shinning. Yeah. Yeah, his teeth. If you go get a shinning, you're going to get your... What's a shinning? What's a shinning?

Try to make it up then. What do you think it is? This is one of those movie posters where it's so obvious what it is. Yeah. Just say it. Very simple. He either watches girls in the bathroom. Yes. Yes. Or he eats metal.

The answer is B. Yeah, yeah. E, it's the medal. It's the medal. What's shitting? Yeah, yeah. You have to Google it. You have to watch the movie. You have to watch the movie. Yeah, yeah. Rudy, that was incredible. That was incredible. Give it a round of applause. That was amazing. Yeah. Did you ever see Gran Torino? I loved it. Now, could that come out?

Right now? No. That would be a stop Asian hate movie that would get... I think that... Oh, yeah. That would definitely... But you know what? Get off my lawn, you Asians. Did he say racial epithets in the movie? I brought my parents to that movie. You did? Yeah. And my dad, halfway through the movie, goes, I don't feel comfortable. Yeah. I'm being real. He didn't like it. Gran Torino's... My mom loved it, though. Denounces anti-Asian slurs. Well, they use it in the movie. Yeah. So when we talk about this stuff, think about like this.

But Tarantino says the N-word in Pulp Fiction. What do you do with this? You're okay with it? Do they need to cut that out now because of what's going on? I think that – but who says the N-word in Pulp – oh, yeah, they do. He does. He does say it. Yeah, he does say it. Pretty on the nose. Yeah, he does say it. He said, is there a sign outside of my driveway that says dead N-word parking? Parking, yeah. Storage. Dead N-word storage. Yeah, storage. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Have you seen – you've seen this movie, right? Yeah.

You did. Yeah, but I forgot about it already. It was a long time ago. Bring up the picture of the four cast members there, please. Who are they? Who are these people? The actor's names. John Travolta. Very good. And then the girl. I know she's in Kill Bill. Yes. Another Tarantino movie. The guy to the right is... I think he was in a racing movie.

Yes. That famous racing movie. Which movie? Fast and the Furious. Fast and the Furious. There we go. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. Right there. By the way. Yeah. He does look like Vin Diesel right there. Honestly, he really does look like him. Did you fart? No. Does that... Rudy? I didn't fart. So defensive. Yeah. Because it smells in here. Did you fart for real? I didn't.

Your eyes. I didn't fart. Because I think you did. Did you fart? Be honest. I promise. Because last night we had deep dish pizza and I can't eat it anymore. Why? Because, you know, the one with the mozzarella cheese and then the ricotta cheese. Oh, it's so good. And the sausage. It's so good. I know, but lactose intolerant. Pill. Maybe. Take a lactate. But she was taking a shower and I go, I'll just go to the bathroom downstairs. She goes, no, I like it when you shit.

When I'm taking a shower. What? Yeah. And I go, you do? I do. Absolutely not. So I'll sit there and shit while she's in the shower. While she's in the shower? She loves it. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are perfect for each other. Yeah. So I'm shitting and I'm. What? And she's like, oh, that was a groovy one. Yeah. She likes that in the same room? Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Do you take showers together?

We used to. We have. Have you? Today. Oh, yeah. We have. We do it all the time. But do you pee when you get in the shower? Oh, yeah. Do you pee in the shower? Me too. Andres, do you pee in the shower? No. We talk about it. No. We already talked about it on this show? Yep. Oh, I didn't know. What do you do, Gab? Do you pee in the shower? Yeah. Of course. Everyone normal pees in the shower. And I pee on her sometimes. Thank you for being a bad friend. I wipe my ass from the back to front.

You wipe like that? Don't you ever get it on your balls? I think Kalaya said his dicks. That's why his dicks smell. I was like, poop. Why don't you just get baby wipes?

For some reason, I'm getting fat now. I didn't always do that. But this just started out of nowhere. No, because I'm getting fat, so it's like I can't get my little... Why don't you lean up? Get up. I can't. You can't get up. I can't get my hand to my asshole. We should get a rail for you to hold onto on the wall. No, but I can do this for some reason. My ass feels like closer to... My taint's very small. Small taint. Small runway. So it's like, yeah, I can get my hand to my asshole that way. Right.