I Love Titanic and I Love to Bowl
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Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead? My mom wanted it. Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird. That's so weird. You two are best. Who are these two idiots? Woo-hoo!

You guys are freaks.

You two are dangerous when you're coordinating. You guys are gross. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends. Well, I was thinking, I was meditating. You know, I meditate every night. You meditate every single night, I know. Yeah, so in my meditations last night, I thought to myself, Bobby Lee has no social cause. I want to be a social warrior, you know, because on the internet and on the gram, I want to influence. What do you mean? What...

What social cause do you want? Well, you know Joaquin has the cows, you know what I mean? The milky tits, whatever. You know what I mean? Like he wants to save them. I don't know what he's saying. He's saying we shouldn't drink milk anymore. Yeah, whatever, right? And he's adamant about it. He's adamant about it? He's adamant about it. He's agonizing about it. Yeah. Yeah.

What's the word? He's adamant. Adamant about it. He's adamant about it. But he's adamant about it because he actually cares. He didn't just- Yeah, that's why I want to care about something. I don't know why I don't care about shit. But if you cared, it would already happen. You'd already care. I know, but I want to force myself to care because I feel like I want to check a mark. Okay, what's a social issue that you think you want to have as your new social issue to care about? Let's do it today. Well, it makes me sad that like, but not really. No, you're not sad at all. Yeah, but like, you know, the dolphins and the turtles with the straws in their mouth. What's going on with the dolphins?

I don't know how they're getting straws in their mouth. Dolphins are getting straws in their nose. There's no cocaine or something. No, there's no cocaine dolphins. In the ocean. What do you want? What do you think you want to say? What's important to you? What do you think matters the most? For me personally? Yes. The things that I think that matter, like people don't, it's not a thing. It's not a thing that people are going to be like, we're going to stand behind. What is it?

I don't even know. That's the thing. I literally have no... There's no thing? Care about anything. Homeless people. Healthcare. I guess. Kids. Kids what? AIDS? AIDS kids. Do you care about AIDS kids? You know what I care about is the kids that are starving in Yemen. Can you help them? No. You don't want to help them? No, I want to, but it's a war-stricken area and I can't get in there. Okay, let's skip over then the war kids from Yemen. I call Southwest. They don't fly there.

They don't. No, they don't. They're not going to go to Yemen. No. But so I'm trying to cause, I'm trying to have social justices. All right. Well, why don't you ask the fans to. No, I have one though. Oh, what? But it's my own personal social justice about my own life. What is it? Well, what it is, is this, is that, so my brother and I were having Korean barbecues the other night. Not surprised. Did you go to, did you go to Park's Finest? Park's Finest is a, yeah, we did.

Went to Parks Fine. Well, the parks that I went to- Not the parks downtown. The one in Echo Park that you and I went to. But that's a Filipino barbecue place. Filipino slash Korean. There's Korean food there too, right? No. No? It's racist. Why? Because it's like saying, I went to an Italian restaurant. Did you go to Taco Bell? No.

No, that's Mexican food. Yeah, it's there are two different things. Filipino food and fucking Korean. No, what I said was basically going, hey, I had I had Mexican last night. And then you said, did you have Taco Bell? And I said, that's racist. I went to El Pollo Loco. That's what that's saying. That's not what that's not what it is, because the Asian food is Asian food. That's not true. Yes, it is. I have to Google it. But Asian food all has the same ingredients, right?

I had Thai last night. They have noodles and rice and meats and curries. Yeah, I went to an Italian restaurant. They had noodles and rice there. No, we don't have rice. They don't have rice. Polenta? Polenta's not Italian, first of all. It's not? No. Oh. He knows polenta, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

He's Mexican. We have another minority. For the fans at home, two minorities in the room, so in case anybody's checking the social justice meter. Two for four. No, because I honestly think that it would help if I was like a comedian that had something to like

That's not who you are. Name a famous comedian that has a thing that you're like, damn, I wish I was like them, that they have a movement. Like that Australian lady, the lesbian lady with the glasses. Hannah Gadsby? Yeah. What's her thing? She's lesbian and she was going to quit. She's lesbian. That's her thing? So you think she was meditating one day and she was like, I'm going to be a lesbian. Anywho, I don't know what you're doing and I don't know what you're trying to do right now. I'm trying to help you find your... I was talking to Clyde today.

Every time you call me, I have a good day. Every time you call me about anything, it ruins my day. It puts me in a bed. My neck starts hurting and I start getting spasms in my fucking frontal lobe. I won't call you anymore. But just be nice about it. Okay, how would you like the phone call to go? I can't fucking believe what you did. You fucking did that.

And I'm like, what? And then you say whatever you want to say. Because you fuck up stuff all the time. But there's a nice way to fucking do it. Anyway, I have a social thing. What is it? Talk about it. What's your social thing? Well, my brother and I were having parks on Vermont. Got it. Which is not the Filipino place that I took you to for my birthday. Okay. You're a fucking racist. No, I'm not. It was good food either way. It was very good. That's why I go there. I know. Because of Kalilah.

My brother was like, dude, they're really fucking you on that. On what? I'm going to get into it. I know. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Yeah. Dude, they're really fucking you on that. I go, what? And he goes, Poway High School, dude. Hall of Fame. You're not on it. You're not on it. Right. So I went to high school at Poway High School. Yeah, Poway High. Graduated in 1990. 90? Yeah, 1990. Damn, I wasn't even born yet. I know. I was born. But you know what? I was. 1990, Brian Callen was fucking me.

49 years old. Poway High School. Yeah. Let's see who's in the Hall of Fame. I literally thought that Joe Biden was Brian Callum for like six months. I'm not kidding you. Shut up. Every time I see Joe Biden, I go, Callum's killing it. Poway High School. Let's see the notable alumni. So yeah, that's what I'm saying. So then we went, no, not, not the, no, don't go there because I'm on that.

I'm on the Wikipedia. Comedian on Mad TV. Yeah, there you go. I'm on that. But go to Poway High School's Hall of Fame. Their Hall of Fame. But I want to look up some of the people that are on here before we move forward. No, no, no. Go to the one because the other one is... Hold on. Let's see some of these names. Aubrey Battle, former American football defensive lineman. Okay. Killing it. Judd Buechler. Look at Judd. Look at those pits. Look at those pits, dude. Nice pits. Went to Zona. Yeah, man.

Kelly Cash, American musician, beauty pageant title holder. Yeah, but there's other cool ones. Oh, Tom DeLonge from Blink-182. Exactly. Oh, he's the most famous from your school for sure. Without a doubt. You're not even close to Tom DeLonge. Tony Gwynn. Oh, dude, he's more famous than you too. Wow. Oh, dude, Alex Dickerson. Look at all these guys that are more famous than me. That's not... Whoa, Hector Maldonado?

Dude, there's some legit people that went to your school. Exactly right. Wow. Yeah. Stephanie Seymour, model. Remember she had a baby with Axl Rose? She did. They have a kid. That's right. Yeah, right. Okay, so. Whoa. Oh, dude, even Brian Rast, the professional poker player. Everybody knows Rasty.

You don't know him? Whatever you're doing is not going to work. You don't know him? They call him Nasty Rast. Nasty Rasty. Nasty Rasty. No, no. That's a real thing. Nasty Rast. He's like one of the top poker players in the world. And I love him. He's incredible. That's fine. Now go to the fucking Poway High School alumni site. They go fast dash by Nasty Rast. He takes the pot home to get some ass. Go to the fucking site. Go to what? Poway High? Yeah, Poway High. No, it says Poway High alumni. Go Poway High Hall of Fame. Google that. Poway High. Hall of Fame. A Hall of Fame? Yeah. Yeah.

Poway High School Hall of Fame, Poway High Alumni Association. There we go. That's it. Oh, three new names got entered, by the way. Right. Look at this. Hold on one second. Let me see this. It says three new names just got entered into the Poway High Hall of Fame. Oh, my God. There's a red carpet there, too. Wow. They paid for a red carpet. So the Hall of Fame inductee, Sean Tom Murray, class of 79. Nice. Yeah. Oh, an Air Force guy. I get that.

And then another guy, and you're not in the Hall of Fame. Just go to the fucking thing, man. How many times do I have to tell you? Right there, the first one. Go down. Scroll down. Okay, here we go. Now, these are the names. Okay, wow. Let's make an argument. Sure. Do you think that they're more famous than me? Well, your class isn't even in here. 1990. I know because no one in my class got into it.

What they're saying is that, yeah. You're not famous enough to be in this. And I will say that. That's true. Because look at Tina Gould. She just got in from a class of 04. Yeah. Everybody knows T. You don't know T-Dog? Tina Gould is an internationally renowned cellist being honored for accomplishments in the arts. Grammy nominee. Partnered with Bentley Motors and the Ritz-Carlton Classical Electrical Cellist.

Dude, she's heard on hundreds of soundtracks. All right, go back. Hundreds. Go back. Click on some, man. Actually, you know what I'd like to see? How famous is Tina Guo, by the way? Tina Guo is how famous? Do you really think? How many plays do you think she has on Spotify and her most famous song? This will kind of dictate whether or not she's actually that famous. Okay, but I will. Tina, hold on. You're supposed to be on my side, dude. I am on your side. I feel like you're on that fucking board. There's no way I'm on that board. This week we have a meeting. Okay.

Tina Gould. Here you go. Look. Whoa. Yeah. Every month she has 223,000 listeners. Her most famous song, she did the Wonder Woman theme. Okay. And she deserves to be on it. That's fucking fine. But look at the other names. I don't know. I think some of these people might be. No, because they're choosing people based on a Christian ethic. Right. Right. Oh, because you're not Christian anymore. No, because I'm a filth.

I'm a filth monger with no cause. Is Poway High a Christian high school? No. That's the point. So why are you putting that right? What I'm asking Bad Friends fans to do is go to the Poway High School. Okay, let's do it. Hall of Fame site, right? Here, everyone, we're going to put this in. And then I want you to submit my name.

So here you go, guys. We want you to go to Poway High School's website. Really easy to find. It's PowayUSD. Not that website. Just go to the Poway Hall of Fame thing. Okay, go to... Don't go there. Go to Poway... Do the one that you were just at. Can we get another computer guide? This guy...

Poway High Hall of Fame organization. Yeah, go to Poway. Yeah, organization. So all you need to do to get Bobby into the Hall of Fame is go ahead and go down. Scroll down a little bit. No, it's right down there. It's right. See, it says. Have a question? No, go down a little bit. See down there? Nominate a candidate. Nominate a candidate. So guys, everyone go here and go nominate a candidate online. We're going to do it right now, live on the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, this forum is no longer accepting submissions. Look at that. They're full. The Hall of Fame is full.

Damn, that sucks. Do you know why? Because you have been doing it in 19 other podcasts. Why do you even care about Poway High so much anyway? I didn't care until my brother said that I should care. You shouldn't care. All right, well, then I'm going to let it go. Because there's nothing about Poway. Oh, my God. One of the most prestigious high schools in the world. Anybody who's anybody is a Hall of Famer here. Well, like it says on the website. You know what it is, dude? I'll tell you what it is. What? You know, you're not an ally.

Yes, I am. No, you're not. Yes, I am. You're like, I'm Japan. I'm Emperor Hirohito, and you're Mussolini, bro. You're not. First of all, you're not Japan. You're not Japan. Ask George. I'm 10% Japanese. I did that fucking 24 in me. 23.

You do. You might have an extra gene, but it is 23. Yeah, you might have one. I did 23 in me. OK, and you're Japan. I'm 10 percent Japanese. You're 10 percent Japanese. You're 10 percent Japanese. Yeah, you're 10 percent. Yeah. I want to say this. You deserve to be in the Hall of Fame. And, you know, I mean that I genuinely do. I also want to say I apologize to David Attenborough because on last week's episode, we said that he was dead and he's alive. So I apologize to David Attenborough and all of his friends and family because I thought he was dead.

I'm sorry about that. Did really people complain? David Attenborough's estate reached out to us and threatened to sue us if we didn't take it down. I swear to God. You swear to God? They sent us a cease and desist and said, David is alive. If you keep putting out this stuff, we will see you in court. Oh, well, he's definitely alive. He's alive. Yeah, we love him. He just looks dead. Here's what I'd like to do. We got a dead dad excuse. We got a Facebook user, Justin Morris, who...

Santino has to guess how many times Bobby used his dead dad as an excuse just this week, and we have to guess the reasons. How many times have you used your dead dad as an excuse to get out of things? I would say you've gotten out of two podcasts by using your dead dad as an excuse this past week. I use my dead dad for a lot of things, yeah. Did you get out of a podcast this week by saying dead dad stuff? Yeah, I get out of a lot of things. Auditions. One for one. I would also think you got out of having sex with Kalilah or doing something sexual with Kalilah, and you quoted dead dad stuff.

Yeah. Okay, perfect. Two for two. There's got to be one more somewhere in there. I think you got out of doing a set or doing a dinner with somebody. Either stand-up or dinner because of Dead Dad. You said you used Dead Dad as an excuse. Did you? Kalilah just texted me. What did she say? The Hollywood High School website just broke from all the submissions. That's fantastic. That's all I wanted.

That's all I wanted. Buffy. Buffy makes super soft, earth-friendly bedding because comfy night's sleep is even comfier when it doesn't harm the environment. Now, here's my personal endorsement on it. When you gave me that Buffy bed sheeting, I took it home, and now Kalilah and I only use that blanket. It is incredible. It's one of my favorites of all time. Here's why, though. You don't sweat.

I used to sweat all the time, and I don't sweat because I sleep naked. Because I know you and Kalilah sleep in full armor. You guys sleep in full armor, head to toe. And you won't sweat whether you have clothes on or whether you don't have clothes on. Everything is made from ultra-smooth eucalyptus fiber that feels softer than cotton.

It really does. It's breathable. It's cool to the touch. It maintains the ideal sleeping temperature. And I got to tell you, you're not going to overheat. You stay cool, man. Yeah. We love it. And all of their products are cruelty-free and hypoallergenic. No down feathers or animal products here, baby. That's right. And it consumes 10 times less water to grow eucalyptus fiber. It's renewable force. It comes from...

eco-friendly way to produce a genuine, and we're being very serious right now, both of us use it. I swear to God, it's my favorite thing I've ever had in my life. Their products have almost 20,000 five-star reviews plus an overall average rating of 4.6 stars beyond

Beyond, believe the hype. Beyond the hype. It's beyond the hype. Buffy's offering you guys a free trial, free shipping, and free returns every single day. But you guys can try their products in your own bed for free before you commit to buying. And if you don't love it, you can return it at how much, Bob? No costs. That's right. For $20 off your Buffy bedding, visit Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. Always. Once again, for $20 off your Buffy bedding, visit Buffy.co and enter the code. Bad friends. That's right. Oh, I want to say to Poway High School, my dad died.

My dad died. Put me in. Yeah, his dad is dead, guys. Why don't you put him in the thing? You know what's funny? Put him in the thing. Is your dad alive? I have two dads. I have two dads. Yeah? I have two dads. Would you consider Buff Eye as your dad? Who? Buff Eyes. Who's Buff Eyes? Rogan. You think he's my dad? Yeah. Is he my dad? You get like a little like, you know what I mean? You look at him like your dad kind of. Why don't you like Rogan? I love him. Hmm. Interesting.

It's so funny what you're doing right now because obviously I love him. Well, you called him my dad, my daddy. Like, oh, I am impressed. Like, you don't like him. You love him. I love Rogan, but I'm intimidated by him. Every time he comes to the store, do you get nervous? Well, it was three weeks ago. His wife was there. I love her. Yeah, she's cool. And she noticed the shoes I was wearing, which I really liked.

And then Rogan pulled me aside, and he goes, how come you get so scared around me? That's a legitimate question. And I go, I'm not scared. I go, because what you white people don't fucking understand is that in – don't ever look like that again, man. You kind of did like – Who are you talking – you're not – George. Oh, George that made a face? Yeah, he did like a little squinty, like confused kind of like –

George did the, you know what it is? He's got that Hitler youth in him. He is not having it. He's getting a little cocky. Not cocky. There's something, he's going like megalomaniac ego crazy. You know he got engaged. Did you congratulate him? Anyone, any white dude can go to China and get a, or whatever, and get a wife. Did you see her? The ching chong? She's not Chinese, is she? What is she? No, she's not. She's not Chinese. What is she? What is she, dude?

Korean. Okay. Oh, is she really? My mom. One after your heart. My dad died and he... I'm talking to my mom. He's fucking your mom. I want to do something real fast because everybody loved it when we did a little scene reading and I'd like to do a scene reading right now. Yeah, but I don't know what movie it is. You'll figure it out almost right away. I want you to put on this if you could and I'll put on one of these things. So we're going to be doing a little classic scene reading and...

You have to put on that. You put on one of those around your neck as well. I'm going to be doing a little classic scene reading here for Bob. This is one of his favorite movies. He said this. So we have to abide by what Bob likes and wants. Oh, I forgot I have to take my headphones off. But we're trying to get dressed here. Do you want to do the direction or do you want Andres? Yeah, let Andres do the direction. That would be great. All right, give me those scripts right there. What the beats were.

What do you mean, what are the beads for? Do I put them on? Yeah, you got to put them on. Okay. Okay, put them on. Are you going to put back on your headphones or no? Yeah, I am. You don't have to if you don't want to. I want to.

Give me a script and give him a script. This is something that the fans really wanted and also something that you love. What is it? All right, so you're going to be the role of Rose, and Andres is going to read some of the scene direction. Okay, go ahead, Andres. What movie is this? You'll figure it out almost right away. Is it the notebook? It would be almost impossible for you to not figure out. Is it the notebook? Nope, but you'll just figure it out almost right away. You're close. Okay, so guys, ready? Interior, Rose Suite. What? What?

1912. Like in a dream. The beautiful waterwork. Waterworks. Dude, dude, dude, dude. First of all, Andres.

Cut, cut, cut. Just project a little bit more. You have to project a little bit more because you're acting as if you're the director or whatever. You know they went to film school? I know they did. So just project a little bit more. Slow it down a bit. Start from the top. Go ahead. Hold on one second. My phone's ringing. Hold on. It's Rogan. I'm not going to answer it. Answer it. No, he won't want to be on the show. Okay.

Okay, hold on. Let's start from scratch. Here we go. Let's start from scratch. Go ahead. Okay. Interior, rose suite. Like in a dream, the beautiful woodwork and satin upholstery emerged from the rusted ruin. Jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of the room. He sets his sketchbook and drawing materials in the marble table. Will this light do? Don't artists need good light?

That is true. I am not used to working in such horrible conditions. Hey, Monet! What movie is this? He crutches next to the painting, stacks against the wall. Isn't he great? The use of color? I saw him once, through a hole in this garden fence in Guivinieri. She goes into the adjacent walk-in wardrobe closet. He sees her girl...

He sees her go to the safe and starts working the combination. He's fascinated. Callous insists on lugging this thing everywhere. Should I be expecting him anytime soon? Not as long as the cigars and brandy hold out. Clunk. She unlocks the safe. Glancing up, she makes his eyes in the mirror behind the safe. She opens it and removes the necklace.

then holds it out to Jack, who takes it nervously. Your necklace. You hold it to me. Give it to me. What is it? What is it? Is it a sapphire? What is it? What is it? Is it a sapphire? A diamond. A very rare diamond called the heart of the ocean. Zach gazes at the well beyond his comprehension.

I want you to draw me like your French girl. He looks at her. Surprise. And then we cut to interior bedroom. Jack is laying on his pencils like surgical tools. His sketchbook is open and ready. He looks at us. She comes into the room wearing a silk kimono. The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a China doll.

As a paying customer, I expect to get what I want. She hands him a dime and steps back, parting the kimono. The blue stone lies on her creamy breasts. Her heart is pounding as she slowly lowers the robe. Jack looks so striking, it is almost comical. The kimono drops to the floor. Tell me when it looks right to you. She poses on the divan, sitting like a cat into the position we remember from the drawing. Almost. Almost.

Just bend your left leg and a little and lower your left, your head. Eyes to me. That's it. Jack starts to sketch. He drops his pencil and she stifles a laugh. I believe you're blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can't imagine Mounier, Mounier blushing. He does landscapes. Tight on Jack as his eyes come up to look at her over the top edge of the sketch pad.

We want him to finish. Finish it! We have seen this image of him before in her memory. It is an image she will carry the rest of her life. Push slowly on Rose's face. Wow. I don't know what movie it is. You still don't know what movie it is? No, I don't know what movie it is. How can you not know? What movie is it?

Jack, Rose, draw me like one of your French girls. I've never seen, what movie is it? Titanic. I've never seen it. You've never seen the movie Titanic? No. How have you never seen the movie Titanic? I don't like boat movies. It's not a boat movie. It's a boat movie. But you know what I mean. It's fucking, it's a great film. It's a beautiful film. I don't know what it is. Leonardo DiCaprio? Leonardo DiCaprio's in it. I know that James Cameron directed it. How have you never seen Titanic?

It's the same reason why I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast. I refuse. The Disney movie? Beauty and the Beast? Whatever. The new one or the old one? Either one.

Why? What are those? Those things have nothing to do with one another. Yeah, they're like classics that people like. I don't... One of them is an animated Disney movie. The other one is... I like Mean Streets. Scorsese's fucking first... Second movie. Okay. I like, you know, Apocalypse Now. Gritty shit. Okay, both movies are over 30 years old. I don't like, you know what I mean? Some dude on a boat doing this the whole time. You don't like that? No. How can you not like that? It's just not my fucking thing, dude!

It's a beautiful love story. It's a beautiful love story. It's a beautiful love story. You don't fucking believe that. There's no way you like it. I love the Titanic. No, you don't. Yes, I do. What do you like about it? I like when the boat sinks. That's my favorite part. When everybody dies is the coolest thing in the world. You see guys ping pong all the way down. You don't like that? You don't like to watch death scenes? Maybe the ending part, I'd probably watch that part.

It's a phenomenal movie. You know why I didn't like it? I didn't want to watch it because I remember chicks going, oh, we love it. And then it's like – You remembered women liking it and so that means you don't want to like it? Because people liked – women liked Fried Green Tomatoes too. You didn't like that movie either? So I saw Fried Green Tomatoes and I'm like, oh, it's not for me. I don't like vegetables and I don't like women walking around and talking about things like that. Is that what you think the movie is about?

Yeah. Just vegetables and women? Oh, and here's another thing. Now I will never watch it because I got shushed by somebody on that fucking movie. What? So I did Pauly Shore's movie last summer. What was it called? I don't remember. You don't remember the movie you did last summer? He goes, dude, do my movie, dude. And I showed up and I just did it.

So you don't remember at all? No. Okay, go ahead. I mean, I remember doing it because I have a story about it. All right, tell, I'm saying, yeah, go ahead. So I show up and, you know, some girl's like, you want to go to the set? Like, I'm like, fine. So we're just talking. And then we're just talking, looking at each other, walking and talking. This lady that's bringing me to the set. But she walked me into the set while they were shooting.

What do you mean? Like, walked you in the middle of the screen? Yeah, it's like a take. They were doing a take. But I didn't know that. I was just following this girl. So you got in trouble. No, and then Billy Zane, he's in it, right? Titanic? Billy Zane is in it, yeah. Yeah, you know what he said? Billy Zane's in the Pauly movie. What's a movie? I want to know what movie this is. So then Billy Zane goes like this. He turns to me, he goes like this. To me...

And then I got rage eyes. Yeah. Like, bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch. Bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch. So then I just thought to myself, it was on my checklist to watch Titanic, but now no more. The Guest House, is that what it's called? Yeah, I'm in that. What's your name? I don't remember, dude. Guest House is a newly engaged couple finds the home of their dreams, and it quickly becomes a nightmare when the previous owner's friend continues squatting in their guest house. It leads to a turf war.

Bobby Lee was in this. Billy Zane, Charlotte McKinney, Amy Teagarden, Pauly Shore, Bobby Lee. You played Benny. Yeah, I played Benny. Your character was Benny. Can you name any lines from that movie? I don't remember even doing it. I don't remember the scenes. I remember I got naked at one point. No shit. Ha ha ha!

No shit. Can I tell you what? Yeah, of course. You can tell me whatever you want. So there was a scene where Paulie's in this bungalow and he's just kind of like, his character's just kind of just walking around. Is he the guy that's squatting? Yeah, he's squatting. He's the squatter? And whose house was it? Billy Zane's house, obviously. I don't fucking know, but what happened was there was a scene where he just sits on this hammock and reads a book.

And you're just going to be in the background. I think it'd be funny. And I just say it'd be funnier if I was just completely naked for no fucking reason. I totally agree. That's the go-to. So I just did that. So you got butt naked in the back of the scene. Yeah. No explanation. There's no lead into it. No one talks about it. No, he just walks into his place and he's just like talking to somebody. I'm just in the background swinging on this little hammock completely. With your little dick out? No, I crossed my legs. Would you tuck it? I could tuck my dick. When you crossed your legs? I could tuck it right now.

Do it. Oh, God, that chair. Oh, look at that mangina. Hold on. Let me get that. Get a little photo. There we go. Perfect. You have like a fupa. You know what that looks like? Stand up for a second. That looks like you have a pussy. Stand up.

Stand up for a second. Isn't that look like he has a pussy? Because it's like thick right there, that little bump. That's so good. Do we have a marker? Can we Sharpie like a clit? Yeah. I want to Sharpie draw like a little clit. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Let me get close. Here, come here. It kind of looks like you have... Hold on one second. If I just...

I'm going to send that and be like, look at this babe sent me her pussy, bro. Send it to D'Lea. Whoa, look at that. Look at that. It looks like a pussy. Yeah, the stomach looks bad, though. No, but I'll just go. Just this heavy girl is sending everybody DMs of her naked. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we draw a little clit on you? Yeah, go ahead. Let's draw a little tiny clit. All right, here we go. Let's draw a little clit right here. And then you're kind of lippy. You seem like you have big lips.

Look at that. You have big puss lips. I take a photo. You look good. That looks really good. Let me put it on my stomach a little bit. Hold on one second. Are you going to suck in your stomach? Yeah. One, two, three. You have a cute little puss puss. Looks like Oprah's pussy. You have a half innie, half outie. All right. No, no, no. I just noticed that. It's either an immunoidie or it could be a butthole with a hemorrhoid.

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That looks like it's either a butthole or a hammer. That's my belly button. Don't zoom in on that, man. It's your belly button. It's not that big of a deal. There's way worse stuff than your belly, but you showed me your clit, your foot clit. I just forgot why I just did that. Why? I don't know why. What prompted me to just do that again? With you, it's anything. I think you said that you could tuck your dick. Oh, that's what it was, yeah. And there's a pube now on your mic. Look at your mic. It has a pube on it on the other side. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, this is from the wig. Oh, okay.

I was going to say it was red. I thought that was mine. Should I watch Titanic then? I think it's a phenomenal movie. Can I just say something to you? Yeah. I've seen it. I know. What did you think about it though? I liked it. I've seen it like 10 times. What do you think the rating is for Titanic? What would be the rating? 7 out of 10. Can you believe that? 7.8 out of 10. 900,000 people rate it. It's a fucking phenomenal movie. But it's not a masterpiece. It absolutely is a masterpiece. Okay, you know what a masterpiece is? It's like...

The Hidden Fortress. You know what I mean? It's a Kurosawa film. I'll tell you why that's more important than Titanic, even though Titanic made more money, is that The Hidden Fortress influenced Star Wars. You know, like, in The Hidden Fortress, in the beginning of the movie, they have an R2-D2-C-3PO, but they're samurais. But it's the same kind of, like... Okay. You know what I mean? And the way it's shot, like, the panning, when you see the scenes...

Lucas took that from the Kurosawa film, The Hidden Fortress. My point is that Titanic isn't an influential movie in terms of what? Look at all of these fucking awards. Wow. Best original music screenplay, best picture, best director, best – holy fuck. When does it end? When does it end? When does it end? But dopey white dudes like you, look at me right now.

Look at me right now because you're – you know how I know you're a dopey jock, dude? You know how to bowl. I love bowling. I know, but when we bowled and I saw your technique, you actually cared and you actually practiced. Your form, the way you whipped the – spin the ball. Yeah, and you did a thing and you turned around and you did like an egg.

You know what I mean? And I was just kind of, you're a fucking asshole for even doing that. Because that means you spent time as a kid. I could imagine you as a kid with a coconut or something. A little coconut in the backyard. You're a little Chicago, Irish fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah, well, there's always coconuts laying around Chicago.

Yeah, go ahead. Coconut trees. Whatever you use. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And you're like. You could have said a potato. I used a potato. I put three holes in a potato. I bowled with it. Then I fucked with it. Do I need to write your jokes for you? Okay. So what? I'm bowling a coconut. Wow. You're going to go there. Yeah. Because you know what? You're mocking me and my like for bowling. I like it. I'm not mocking you. I'm just telling you what kind of guy you are. And I'm because you're so adamant about defending fucking Titanic. Because it's a great movie.

And you love to bowl. And I love to bowl. Guess what? And that's who you are. I love Titanic and I love to bowl. Hi, I'm Andrew Santino. Welcome. You're Bobby Lee. You like Kurosawa and making your dick look like a clit. That's who you are. This is why it's working. Okay? Are we fine? Don't make fun of Titanic or bowling anymore.

You're going to be a terrible father. That got serious for a hot minute. You're a terrible father. I'm going to be a good pup. I'm going to be a good pup pup. That's it. My nickname is going to be. I don't like daddy. I don't like when girls say. When they call their father daddy. I think it's gross. I'm going to be called pup pup. Or paps. Did you see the documentary. Pupsie. Trials of Gabriel Fernandez yet? I don't think I can watch it. Why? Because did they beat the shit out of that kid?

They torture him. They feed him cat food, which is normal for you guys, but they do all that stuff. They didn't feed him cat food. They fed him cat litter with pee on it. So it's the woman and it's her son and it's her boyfriend and they just torture him. Why? For shits and giggles. The real reason why is because that they suspect the kid to be gay.

Oh, is that really what it is? Right. So because he has a feminine. No, I definitely don't want to watch. This is so gross and sad. Yeah. The boyfriend admits that he did it. Doesn't care. No, he cares. He's on trial and he just, his defense is I did it, but I didn't intend to kill him.

What is that? How is that? That's like saying I beat someone to death, but I didn't really mean to. The logic for me is that every time you brutalize a boy, you know that death could be a consequence. A child, by the way, not a boy. He's an eight-year-old boy. Yeah, that's a little, little tiny boy. Right. So the dude's on trial, right? And the jury, all of the jury is like, yeah, guilty. Given the death penalty, yeah. Except for juror number seven, a Chinese man. Oh, no. And he, this fool is just like,

I don't know, you know, from where I come from. I swear to God. You know, I don't know if it was intent to kill because the thing is, I don't know his heart. No way. His heart could be, you know, dark and evil. And I'm literally going, you ching-chong! Press the button, ching-chong!

I'm literally fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh my God. But they finally flipped him. They both got the death penalty, right? Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure one of the jurors goes, hey, Ching Chong, look at me. Right? I don't think they said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Focus, right? We got to get a bigger gong. Yeah, we have to get rid of the gong. We have to get rid of the gong. I didn't put this in here and I didn't put this in here. Did you put the gong there?

Somebody did. Somebody did. Oh, somebody. Oh, no, he's pointing down there. He got it from down there. No, he got you a gift over there. Oh, you did. What is it? Cereal. How do you not know what it is? How do you not understand this joke that he George George put this stuff in here as a bit. He thinks this is there. I am. There I am on the box. George. Good one. See, very good. Bobby. Yeah, put it right there. It's fine. There I am. This looks like we're sponsored by them.

Why do you guys like cloves so much? Cloves cigarettes? No, like clovers. We don't like, what do you mean? We don't like them. Yeah, you do. No, we don't. You love green. Why do you guys like green? Because it's good. Ireland is green. It's a very green country. There's a lot of places that are green. You know where else it's green? Fucking West Covina. No, it's not the same. You fucking idiot. Do you want me to sign that? Let me sign the box. I don't want you to sign it. It's not you. That is me. He's more famous than you.

You want to go into fame? Okay. That artificial person that's not even real, that was drawn, is more famous than you. Seamus Charms? I know he's a very famous guy. Yeah. You know where he went to high school? What? Poway High. He's in the Hall of Fame. Good callback. In fact, I'm going to fucking have everybody vote for Seamus Charms. You guys, when the website goes back up, or Poway High, why don't you go ahead and vote for Seamus Charms? Seamus Charms. That's what I want.

I want the Seamus Lucky Charms guy to be voted on. Yeah. George got all this fun stuff for you. George got that. He got this. This is racist. He got you. But will you please watch the documentary? I just don't think I can. Why? Because I can't watch kids get abused, dude. That fucks. That's gross. You know what it is? No, but if the conversation is about the abuse that fucked me up. It's like those documentaries like Don't Fuck With Cats. Right. That was another Netflix one that people hated that. You see that, George? Right.

You learn... It's repulsive. It's repulsive, but I feel like...

It's better to be knowledgeable about these incidences. No, I don't disagree. Than to live in a dream like state. Well, it's not a dream. I just don't want to know. You like to live in a white dream like state. I don't want to know the extent in which they abused this human because I think that's fucking disgusting. How much depth do I need to know other than what you told me? That they abused this kid so horrifically. Because the system's broken, right? Social workers and the- I know, they didn't even do anything about it. I heard that. That's what I'm saying is that when you want- I wasn't even aware of this.

And now I'm aware of it, and I know – and now if there's a campaign – there's a measure on a ballot to like – I want to know what happened to us, but you can't tell me. Pearl Fernandes is the mother who's just as guilty, but she copped a plea – a deal. Yeah. So she's – but some other lady on Twitter, some girl was like, my mom's –

in prison with Pearl Fernandez at this women's prison and she was saying that yeah Pearl Fernandez just gets beat down every fucking day she can't go out in the yard yeah great because you know what if all those women that are in prison I bet you most of them are in for some bullshit not for child abuse you know the thing about prison is if you touch her was I molested not no laughing

Were you molested? No, I was never molested. You act like you were. You have an anger. You? You act like you were molested. I was molested. I know. So we don't act alike at all.

What do you mean? You're the one who whips out your dick all the time and tucks it in your butt and does weird stuff. Molestation signs. Me, you know. But you have some sort of like, you have anger issues. I don't want people to think that we're not, this is about a fight. I don't want to fight. We're not fighting. We're not fighting. We're just discussing. But you seem like you were molested is all I'm saying. Break it down for me. How do you think I got molested? Well, because you have this anger. But you don't have any anger and you were molested.

So you're the happy case of molestation? Is that what it is? Well, there's different people get molested. They react differently to it. I was not molested. I promise. Okay. Were you beat? Probably. No. Were you beat by your dad? No. So you were never beat at all? I mean, we got hit, but like a normal kind of hit. Then what happened to you? Honestly? Yeah. Be honest. I got molested. I didn't get it. So I didn't.

What do you mean what happened? The anger in me is just a part of, that's a symptom of who I am. I have just a hot, I run hot. Oh, so it's like a genetic thing. I run hot. Uh-huh. Daddy runs hot. Did your dad run hot? We all run hot. No, did your dad run hot? Of course. So if I hung out with your dad for a weekend in Tahoe. He would never hang out with you and he would never go to Tahoe. I want to go to Tahoe with your dad.

Do you want me to call him and see if he'd go to Tahoe with you? I mean, but could you set it up? That'd be a fun experiment. Your dad and me, one week in Tahoe. You would never last. You would never last. What, he'd rage out on me? He'd rape you. No, he wouldn't. He wouldn't rage out on you? No, but it's just that that's a pairing that would never work. I would annoy the fuck out of him. You would annoy the fuck out of him. He'd have a stroke. He would have a stroke. Yeah, yeah. You would kill my father.

Not with your own hands, but just your own mental volition. Yeah, that. Yeah, yeah. That would drive him nuts. I can't watch documentaries like that that make me sad. I did watch the McDonald's thing. Is that good? Because I want to watch it. It's fine. It's all about the scam of the Monopoly pieces, and that's fine to me. It's nothing that you're going to go, whoa, it's not that big of a deal. But you are...

You are going to go, wow, they could have done this in one fail scoop. Because of my trauma, because of the way I was raised, and because, you know, I've had to mention my dad again. He died. Support for Bad Friends is brought to you by Manscaped. Manscaped. They're the best, right? I literally use it. I used to use a dry shaver, like in prison.

Not really, like a prison dry slipper shaver. You mean just like a razor? And it used to bleed. And then I went to the store and I got like another one and it didn't work that good. But then when I started using this, it's perfect. It really is. Tell them more. It's great. I used to use it buzzer like...

I used to use one of those, and it nicked up my nutsack so bad. When you bleed in the shower, it's so sad. But the first time I used the electric trimmer from the lawnmower from them, I'm telling you, you can get right up against your sack. It's not going to cut it. It's incredible. When I'm telling you this is premium, I mean premium. The battery will last up to 90 minutes long.

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Bob and I know Bob trims his. He didn't used to, but now you do it. I do. I love it. Feels better, right? Yeah, yeah. So for 20% off and free shipping, you go to manscaped.com and type in the code. Bad friends. Your balls are going to thank you. Once again, you can get 20% off free shipping with the code. Bad friends. Manscaped.com. By the way, I saw your dad over at your brother's house. He had the box of your dad's ashes. Yeah, yeah. So heavy. It was so heavy. It was so much. The box? Yeah, it was so heavy. I have the other half.

Is it heavy too? Yeah. Or is your box the same box? I think it was a fatty. Did your mom get any? No. She didn't want any ashes? She didn't want any of it. Don't give me no ashes. Yeah, yeah. It was the weirdest thing because it's like when he died and then we went to the funeral home or whatever. We sat in this office. Yeah.

And like, what do you want to do? So we want to set up a – no, we just cremate them and just put them in the box. They want to put them in a coffin in the ground. No, they wanted some sort of service. Do you want to do a service? And us three were like, no, just put them in the box. Put them in the box. Put them in the fucking box. And how much money do you want to spend? The cheapest box. There's like a Target bag that you can put your dead dad in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I traded Joe's one, a really nicer one. Okay, yeah.

You could do that, but then the second step is the brown box that we got. How much is it? Just so I know. But the engraving and then the actual photo on it cost a little money. I saw that. Yeah. How much? I don't know. It was like a grand. How much does a dead dad cost? A grand maybe. A thousand. Yeah. When you die soon, do you want to be cremated or do you want to be put in the ground? I think I want to service. Yeah. I want to be in a coffin. You want to be put into the earth? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I don't see that for you. Why? Why?

You know, I just think that's like, it's just, it's, you know, I know you want a big show. I know you like a big show, but you want to be in the earth, creepy earth bugs, creepy crawling into your eyeballs. Yeah, because if there was like some sort of apocalypse and like, you know, zombies came out of the ground. And you want to be able to come back. Yeah, I want to be back.

I'm going to come out. Can you imagine everyone's like, and then you pop out and you're like, and you tuck your dick. You tuck your little dead dick. And you walk around with your little cock out with a little zombie cock. Someone's inside the house. Who is it? The zombies have broken in here. They're trying to eat us, except for that one. He just wants to show us his weird penis. Did you like The Walking Dead? Sure. I never saw one episode.

I never saw one episode of The Walking Dead. You want me to be angry about The Walking Dead, though. But I loved Zombieland. The Korean dude. Why? Steven Yeun. Because it was a role that you said... No, no, no. He's a friend of mine. Oh, okay. I know. Yeah, what made you mad about him, though? He didn't make me mad. Okay, what you said... So in the show, he marries a white chick. Boo. Go ahead.

And then I remember Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, he tried to go, that guy couldn't in real life date that girl. Really? Yeah. And then he let it go because he realized that nobody else was like on board of what he was saying. That's really fucked up to say. It was fucked up to say, right? What's his name again? What? Steven Yeun. Steven Yeun, by the way.

I know him. He's so cute. He's very handsome. Good God, is he handsome. He's so handsome. Jiminy Crickets. Look at him. Jiminy Crickets. Is he good looking? Yeah, he's good looking. Yeah, I would definitely hang out with Steve Yoon. Right. Wow, he's a sexy guy. He has that little kind of, he's got that cute, that little Asian mustache. The little non-threatening Asian hairs. Like I do. Yeah, little non-threatening ones. What do you mean non-threatening? You know, like, beards kind of make men look like men, and Asian beards just like, it just looks cute and cartoony.

Yeah, that's why I wouldn't make a good pioneer. Do you know why? Because you would never last out in like a wagon? You would never – a pioneer like discovering new land? No, like Abe Lincoln. They had the Abe Lincoln. So a president? What are you talking about? No, because remember Abe Lincoln grew up in the pioneer days where he – in a log cabin. Sure. Right? And they had these gigantic beards. I would look weird out there because I'd have a Fu Manchu. You'd have a Fu Manchu.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'd have a full-on full man chew. But don't, wouldn't you love that? No, because there'd be people like, is he chopping wood or going to kick me in the face? You know what I mean? Why can't you just, why couldn't you just, you could just trim it up a little bit. No, it would just be, look, I think we would look weird. I honestly think if there were Asians in the pioneer. He's good looking. He is cute. There were Asians in the pioneer days and the days where pioneers existed. Well, in Deadwood, yeah. Like in Western towns, we had opium dens. Opium dens.

Opium. Don't correct the way I talk because you got what I said. Opium dens. Opium dens? There's opium dad, dead dads. There's opium dead dad dens. Opium dens? There's an opium dead dad den in Pasadena you can go to and just do opium because you're a dead dad. Do you know that? No. $35 an hour. Stop doing that. Sorry. But look, so that Justin Yoon guy is a cute guy. Steven Yoon, sorry. Sorry.

Whatever. Yeah. Sorry, whatever. But he looks like this kid, Justin Chone, that I know. You know Justin Chone? Yeah. Yeah, he kind of looks a little different. But this guy, Seacrest said, couldn't date a white girl. That's what the discrepancy was? Yes. Like, he couldn't get one? No, he goes, in real life, that guy wouldn't be able to get that girl. That's so fucked up. The girl that was on the show, she was average.

She wasn't like, you know what I mean, stunning. What was her name? I don't even remember. What was the show? The Walking Dead, one of the biggest hits of the last decade. I didn't see it. Don't know anything about it. Yeah, but pretty good show. Is it really? Yeah. The Walking Dead, and it was The Walking Dead. What was his name again? Steven Yeun? Yeah. Steven Yeun, girlfriend? Yeah. That's an easy way to check into all that. Is that her? No, wife in the show. Oh, it's wife on the show. Yeah. Okay. Where is she?

There? No, this is all his wife in the real world. That's the problem, that they're going to show all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. There's him with the bat. I don't know. I never saw The Walking Dead, but I know a lot of people liked it a lot. Laura Cohan, is that her? Yeah, that's her. So now, you would... He could get her. Okay, I don't want to offend either of these people because I don't know them in the real world. Okay, good. But based on the photo...

They seem quite comparable. Exactly. Yeah. Right. So it's not a stretch. Not even remotely. Yeah, but fucking stupid Ryan Seacrest. Right. Yeah. You know, first of all, he's just so white. He is white. Right. Yeah, he's full on. And the thing is, I want to have a message to Ryan Seacrest. Go ahead. Yeah, we're here. Dear Ryan Seacrest. Dear Ryan Seacrest. Pop off. Fat. I'm misshapen. You're not a girl's wet dream.

Your body is probably average. I would say you're very average. I'm pretty fat. You're not fat right now. Okay. Yeah. But I'm not like – but I – you wouldn't think that I would be able to kill it with women. That's not true. Okay. Well, I have a message to Ryan Seacrest. My message is that I've dated girls comparable to her or even hotter. That's right, Ryan. And Ryan. And you fucks on the internet go –

You only get girls because you do stand-up and you have money or whatever. I did those things. What the – what's up for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got no pussy when I was 23 years old. Zero. None. I know your brother told me that he was a virgin until he was 20. Yeah, yeah. Something. So none, right? And I go, I'm going to have to do something. Figure it out. To figure it out. So I'll just go do stand-up.

That was why? Yeah. And then four months in, Jennifer Field. There was a white girl named Jennifer Field. Jennifer Field. Walks up to me. She goes, hey, you want to eat my pussy in my mom's house in Oceanside? I go, what? For free? Yeah. Jennifer Field. Where do you think she is now, by the way? Please don't Google her because she's probably. Whoa. Yeah. That's her. No, she was white. This girl is white.

That's Jennifer Field. She was an actress. Yeah, that's Asian. Was she an actress? No. You're never going to find the Jennifer Field. This is the girl that said that to Bob. No, no, no. That's not the girl. This is the girl that said that to Bob. Excuse me. Okay. But my point is that she lived in Oceanside, and I remember going into her mom's closet and 69ing her. You did? Yeah, and I remember – so check this out. So she's on top of me like this. Okay. And her cheeks are on my face like this. And I looked up at – I literally did this. I looked up at the sky. Okay.

And if God could, if there was a camera, you would just see tears. Just tears. And I did a little wink to God. To the Lord. And I go. You think he was watching? I'm pretty sure he was. You think God was watching you? Go down on Jennifer Fields. I always thank God for things like that. Are you becoming more religious now? I believe in God, yeah. You believe in God? Or you believe in a thing like God? Do you actually believe in God? I don't believe in Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, I believe in that we're all connected by energy and that there is some sort of loving, omnipotent, loving... An omnipotent force. Yeah, force. Before your dad died, did he pray? Was he big into God? My dad was completely atheist. See, they always say a man always finds God on the deathbed. Your dad had nothing like that. Well, my brother, I don't know why he did this, but my brother would take photos of my dad dying. What? What?

Why? Well, he goes... As he was dying, he was... My dad was in hospice for seven days. Your dad was Snapchatting your dad's death? Yeah, yeah. You know those photos where someone does a picture every single day? Your brother was doing the opposite. I never showed you these photos. Oh, these are going to fucking boggle your mind. I don't want to... Do I want to see them? Are they fucked up? It's so hard to see like that. Like when people also... Did you look at your dad after he was dead? I was in the room when he... When he finally left. When he left...

Did your mom cry? Oh, my God. Yeah, she was... So look at this. But your brother spent a good chunk of time taking photos of your father as he passed away. Oh, my God, is this hard to look at. And your brother's crying and your mom is crying. Yeah. Jesus, Bob. This is sad. This is very sad. Here's a funny... Show your funny one. I'll show you a funny one. That's not... I hope it's not like that. It's not. That's not funny. Yeah. But then my mom goes... My mom goes...

My mom goes, she goes, put the phone here to the timer. So you can be in the picture? I go, what? To the timer. I go, how many seconds? 10 seconds. Right? And then the first time I did it, the thing fell over. Right, right. Right. And then the second time I couldn't get around this like other thing that was in the way. Yeah. So then we did it like 10 times, but then we finally got it.

Oh, Bob. Yeah. This is such a sad photo. Yeah. Oh, your poor mother. Yeah, so then... Did your dad know that you guys were taking pictures? Was he conscious enough? He's dead here. Oh, that's... He's dead. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit, Bob. So, yeah. Was he dead in the other one? Yeah. You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead? My mom wanted it. Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird. That's so weird. That's wild. Because what are you going to do with that photo? I sent it to Oliver and Kate Hudson.

Why would you send that to Oliver and Kate Hudson? And they were like, don't ever send that again. No shit. I didn't know. I'm Korean. I know you guys do that. Yeah, we do different things. You know what I mean? Death is a different thing. But anyway, the week, two days before that, my brother was like, I'm just going to stay here.

Like sleep in the room with him? Yeah. As he was dying? Yeah, and like, all right. Yeah. But all night long, he just took photos of him, like stages. And I texted him back. I go... Why is he doing that? And one of them was this, though. My dad doing this. Look. Stop. He did that. That's so sad, Bob. Right. So maybe there is a God thing. Okay, sure. Maybe there is a God thing. But your father didn't believe in God, you said. Yeah, but maybe...

You think that was maybe... He's flying toward a... Oh, going towards the light? Maybe. You think so? Yeah, he was doing that. I'm sorry. I don't... You don't... I'm being genuine with you. Don't ever send people those photos ever again. That's an insane... That's like a literal insane thing to do. No, it's not. It's insane. I'll tell you why. Have you heard of Ram Dass? I know Ram Dass. So Westerners had this skewed or different idea about death, right? And Ram Dass...

When he was alive, he died in December. But he loved being in the presence of death because he's being in the presence of truth. Because it's liberating. It's like freeing. It's the most truthful thing that you could witness. Okay. Right? And for me, I believe that my dad moved on to the next phase or the afterlife. And I think that it's – I don't think that you view it as some sort of weird personal, you know what I mean, private thing that – I think death is kind of private. It's not. It's not.

You don't think death is private? No, it's truth. So death is truth, but it's not private. So should we parade around death a little bit more? No, but I don't think that we should be shameful about it. It's not shameful, but it's almost like God rests the dead type of shit where you're like, when they're gone, they're gone. Well, some countries, they have different ways of dealing with it. They celebrate. There's a party that goes on. Sometimes they have a party around the dead body. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So it's like...

I don't like that. Yeah, but that's your like angry Chicago. No, no, no. Irish fucking Lucky Charms. I think most. Fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. First of all, it's Seamus Charms who's in Poway Hall of Fame. By the way, most people. Don't do that again. I was really adamant about this. People are going to vote for you. I mean, they're either going to vote for you or Seamus. There's one of the two we're going to get in.

Can I tell you a story real fast? This is insane. A guy at my Bakersfield show passed out because I think he was on too many edibles, they said. Passed out in the middle of the fucking show. And they had to turn on lights. And I was like, man, what happened with the fucking lights? And they said it was probably because he was... They were like, he was drunk, but he was acting real weird. So I was like, he wasn't drunk. He was fucking high. And he passed out in the middle of the show. Slammed himself on the floor. This fucking poor dude. And they had to turn on lights and drag him out in the middle of the show. And then...

And then another weird thing, when I was in Atlanta maybe, Atlanta was I just in, they tell people, you know, no cell phones, you know, all this shit, like no cell phones, all this stuff, like no recording, da-da-da, whatever, no pictures until after the show.

A grown man, adult male. They had to throw out because he was drunk on his phone. You know, like taking photos or fucking around. And they threw him out and he cried and he was bawling. And I thought, I'm not kidding, from the stage, I thought I was in my mind. He was so distant and faint because he was up in the balcony. I thought, that's weird. That's like a thing in my, like I think I'm here. It sounds like someone, but it could be something outside. Yeah. A grown man was bawling because they were kicking him out of the show. Oh.

I know, it broke my fucking heart. But you know why he's crying? Yeah. Because he loves you. I know, I know. What am I, I didn't have anything to do with it. And he probably like saved all his money for two weeks. I had nothing to do with it. He's a huge Whiskey Ginger. Oh, fuck you. Whiskey Ginger fan. Yeah. No, either way, I'm sorry, I feel bad. And he like probably, I don't know why he likes Whiskey Ginger, but he's like, I love Whiskey Ginger so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and then he's just like being torn out of there. I had nothing to do with that. And he's going, uh. Dude, I didn't throw the guy out. I feel bad for the poor guy. They told me the security guard was laughing about it. He's like, yay, he's fucking crying like a bitch. And I was like, oh, okay. At a comedy club, what do you— Okay, so let me ask you something. I felt bad. If the club is rude to you, what do you do? What do you mean? I'll give you an example. If the manager treats me like shit. I was in Seattle once.

Parlor? Yeah, at the parlor. And I did a show, a couple of shows already. I did a show Thursday. I did the first show Friday. It's not there anymore, is it? It's not. It shut down. And in the second show, in between shows, I took like a 20-minute nap because I was really tired. I've done that, yeah. And then I came back to the second show, and the doorman wouldn't let me in. To your own show? Yeah. Because he was like, I don't know who you are, bro. He goes, hey, old man, we're all sold out. It's me. No, I didn't do that. I just walked in the club.

And then did they get into a fight with you? As I'm walking forward, he walked in front of me and started walking backwards. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Why don't you just say, it's me, I'm the guy. You think he should know. Is that what that is? I don't know. If you're at a comedy club. He's a security guard. He doesn't fucking care.

He's getting paid fucking eight bucks an hour to make sure drunk people don't throw shit at you. So you would have just said... I would have gone, hey, I'm the guy. Nice to meet you. I'm Andrew. He doesn't care. That's what I should have done. That guy doesn't fucking care. I fucked it up. You know what? He probably hates comedy. He probably is just like, fuck comedy. I have to listen to these fucking jack-off. The same thing happened at the Helium in Portland. They had a little girl that was reading a book. During the show? No. She was a book. She was the door woman. Oh. And as I walked in, she goes, I.D.,

I love that. And I go, my ID? Yeah, I'm Bobby Lee. ID. She needs to know you're of age. I had to fucking pull out my ID to go to my own fucking show. Yeah, but you know what I mean? You sold out the show. You don't take that personally. Here's the thing. Why do I care if that guy knows who I am or not? The people in the room all are there to see you. I don't care that the fucking security guard is like, I don't know you, bro. Fine, dog. Nice to meet you, bud.

I'm going to go play a sold-out show for my fans. Sorry you don't know me. I don't know. You know what I mean? So you weren't molested. I was not. That's right. Because a molester goes, you got to know who I am. Yeah, that's the difference. When you don't get molested, you're fine. I want to tell you one quick thing, too. Did we do enough? We did, but this blew my mind. I want to tell you something. Hold on. I'm sitting on the plane. I'm going from the plane from Detroit to Atlanta. The woman sees me on...

my website, checking the dates because my fucking dates were wrong. It was going to wrong pages. So I'm like kind of scrambling. I'm texting someone. I'm like, hey man, these pages are not happening. Like something's wrong. It's sending people to the wrong page. And she's staring over my phone. I can fucking feel her looking at my phone, you know? And I'm kind of getting annoyed. I'm like turning a little bit. And then she goes, you a musician? No. I go, no, I'm not a musician. I'm a performer. I'm not a musician. Oh, okay.

What kind of performer? I just do a live performance readings. I do art readings. I do, I read art, art readings. Yeah. I'm trying as hard as I can to get out of it. Yeah. She goes, hmm. She sees me with a microphone because that's my fuck. She goes, do you do, are you a comedian? Yeah.

I go, yes, yeah. Like, at some point, like, yes, okay? This is how you're reacting to? I think you're a little nicer, right? No. Oh, this is how you're reacting? No, because I'm feeling, it's so invasive. All right. Like, why are you fucking looking at my phone? That's insanely invasive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't organic at all. Yeah. And then she goes, I'm not making this up. She goes, I love comedy. I said, oh, yeah? Like, we haven't heard this before. I go, oh, yeah, okay, yeah. Who do you like? She goes...

There's a white lady and there's a black guy to my left. Okay. Black guy to my left, white woman on my right going to Atlanta. If anybody knows Atlanta. Yeah. Very diverse, right? A lot of black people. This woman's going to Atlanta. She goes, Bill Cosby.

I go, Bill Cosby? And I go, oh, okay. And then she goes, yeah, I think he's phenomenal. And I go, yeah, yeah, Bill was a very good comic. It turns out he's a piece of shit. And she goes, what? Like this. I'm not kidding. What? I go, you know, he raped women. I mean, he raped a lot of women. He got caught raping women. I'm not joking, even a little bit. Yeah.

Well, you know why I liked him? Because he told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps. Black guy on my left. I'm in the middle. Black guy hears it for sure. I'm sitting there begging for the plane to crash. Please crash. I was like, please hit a bump and let's fucking tumble to the earth. She goes, blacks? He told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps. That's what she said. And by the way, I have a black guy on my left who now thinks I'm buds with her. I'm white, so...

Right away, he's like, oh, this motherfucker's friend. Oh, my God. So here's me. What do you say in that situation? I had to go, I don't know. I'm not a huge, I don't, not a, you know, I should have pulled out a gun and shot my own fucking head. There was no way out of it. Yeah, and the black guy, I can feel his energy. I can feel him going, huh, is that how you feel too? There's no way for me. I'm at a loss. I can't defend that. No, you say this. Say it to me.

Well, I like Bill Cosby because... Why do you like him? Well, because he told blacks to stop complaining and to lift themselves up by the bootstraps. That's what you did. Yeah, I should have played right into it. Yeah, you played right into it. I know, I didn't do it. That's right. She made me so fucking uncomfortable. Did you give her a swastika pen? Huh? A pen. Well, when I said goodbye, I said, take it easy. Yeah.

It was insane. It was such an uncomfortable fuck. I hate being put in those situations. That's why I don't want to tell someone that you're a comic in public. That's why I don't. Yeah, but when they put a gun to you and it's like they want to know, it's hard. Like the guy, another guy on the way to Detroit, I got a snack thing, a protein box. And he goes, I paid for it.

And I was like, oh, why? And he goes, pay it forward, man. I think it's a cool thing to buy people stuff on planes. I go, well, thank you. But then I realize that's him, kaboom, sinking the bait. Now he gets to talk to me the whole fucking time. Oh. I'm on my iPad. Yeah. This is me. I had to do this the whole time watching a movie. Yeah. I had to do this. What's up? All the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to take off my fucking headphones, go, what's up? And then he would ask some question about what I'm watching. And then I go, oh, it's, um.

It's Love is Blind on Netflix. And he's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, okay, all right. And then I would watch it again and no shit again. What's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't want to drink. Thank you. That's why I put the sleepy mask on. I know. I put the earphones on. You're gone. I'm not even asleep. No, no, you just disappeared. I'm not even asleep. I'll just have my eyes open with the mask on and just...

For six hours and just stare in the darkness. Yeah, but it's because it's better than that thing. It's better than talking to people. I want to talk to you about the guy that had me open for me. Who? You requested your friend. Are you going to talk shit? No. He was great. Yeah, he's phenomenal. What's his name? Matt Lockwood. Yeah, yeah. Matt Lockwood's a great comic. He did a whole weekend with me. Well, he went to San Jose with you. Yeah, he did a whole week. And his family was there, right? Yeah, and I had to do it. His mom and his dad. I had to do it. You had to do the thing, didn't you?

I had to do – because I wear two different masks. I have the dirty guy right here. You know what I mean? The real authentic. The real deal. But then I can do a real suburban. How are you? Oh, your son, you raised him so well. That's really not – That's what I did. You should do that though. And they're like, oh, yeah? Yeah.

Because one day they're going to be gone and they'll remember you as that nice kid who just did the right thing by them by just saying, hey, how's it going? Instead of being like, hey, you want to see my dick? No, of course not. I know when to do that. I know when to pull my dick out. And how did he do?

He did great. Although it was funny because the first show, the host was really good. The local host in San Jose. He's from San Francisco. His name is Mark Smalls. He's really good. Nikki Glaser uses him. Oh, I know who he is. Yeah, he's very funny. I've heard his name before. Yeah. So he was killing it. Yeah. So me and Lockwood were backstage and he was a little nervous.

- He was like vocally saying to you, oh, you could feel it. - He was pacing and he's like, I got this, I got this. And I go, you're gonna eat it, dude. - You asshole. - Right in his eyes. - Why would you say that to that guy? - And he goes, what do you mean? I go, I don't know, man, like Robert Hartman's here. He's not there, but. - No, just 'cause I know he's not. - Yeah, yeah, but I'm telling him people that are there. - Just to make him nervous. - Yeah, like honestly, dude, I go, if you don't do well, you might not do the next other shows.

This is the first show? That's the first show. You're an asshole. And you can just see the sweat in his eyes vibrating. And so then he gets up on stage and me and the manager, I go, come on, let's go. Let's go watch him fail. So we're in the audience, right? And you could see him on stage kind of eating it. No. Yeah, a little bit. Like he struggled in the beginning. And now he uses what I'm doing in the back. You know what I mean? Just like tears. I'm having a great time, right?

And the manager's like, we're having a good time. But then five or six minutes in, I could see him gain composure. The rhythm, yeah. And then I was just like, all right, I'll go to the green room. Because he did well. Yeah. That's good. See? You take my suggestions. But then we went to get tacos just real quick because you said the thing. And then we sat there eating tacos and I had to do the whole, how do you – this girl comes in. How do I know you? To you? Yeah. Oh. I don't know. I don't know.

Wait, you've been in movies, right? And I'm like, yeah. She's like, hangover? Yeah. And I go, no. Yeah, you were the guy in the trunk in Hangover. Right? Okay, stop, Bob. Come on. Bob. Bob. Bob. Come say goodbye. Come here.

Obviously, let's finish the story though. So she says, so she says, no, no, no, let's just end it. Stop. She says, you're in the hangover and you go, obviously not. You go, no, I'm not. Because now everything I'm going to say after that, that was the laugh. I'm not. No, what you just did was how we should close the show. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Yeah. Tell the rest of the story. I won't. She goes, no, no, I don't, I know what you're trying to do. Just end it. Look at the camera. Can you get me a napkin? Look at the camera. Yeah. And one, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.