Call of Duty: Emotional Warfare
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Or you two or something. We're bad friends. Hey. What? Who went to Joshua Tree? Did you have a fun time? Oh, my God. You know, it's like in the movies. You know, there's a bunch of fucking cars ramming into each other in the desert. What? White dudes, bald white dudes with fucking chrome.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joshua Tree, man. It's out there. You do some mushrooms, man. Yeah, yeah. And then there's a lot of Dirty Whites out there. A lot of Dirty Whites. Yeah. That's who goes to the desert, Dirty Whites. I love the desert. No, I like the desert, man. There's nothing to do. That's number one. No, there's so much to do. Well, you could look at rock formations. You could go hiking. Rock formations. You could go swimming. I can go hiking here. Where? Here.

In the Hollywood Hills. Yeah, but you won't. I've never. I know. That's my point. Yeah, I've never. At least if you do. And I didn't go hiking there as well. I know. But what I do love about it, it's alone time with me and my family. So it's not alone at all? It's completely alone. It's like the most alone I've ever felt. And you're with six other people? Well, I'm there with old man Raj. You were there with? Old man Raj. Kalilah's mama and papa? Her mom.

I went with... Do they like you? Like is not the word I would use. It's pure love. They love you? It's pure love because I'm a special one. Yeah, you're a special boy. I'm a giver. Oh, really? You're shaking your head I'm not? Who won Chiki Cha?

What's Chiki Cha? It's a Filipino card game. It's an Asian card game. Who won Chiki Cha? I took second in one tournament. Roger won. I took second in that tournament. And then who won the four-man Chiki Cha? You. Yeah. Do you know why? What's the song? Chiki Cha. Chiki Cha. Chiki Cha for the mind, my friend. I'm gonna win the battle of the brain. Chiki Cha. Yeah. Yeah.

Pick up your card. Check it out. Yeah. So we did that. What else did we do? I saw the family went hiking and you didn't go. I heard. And you brought your hiking boots. Well, no, I brought somebody bought me brand new hiking boots that have never been worn. Who bought them? Kalila. Yeah. Why don't you say somebody like it's a mystery. Who else would get you hiking boots?

Sometimes I get hiking boots underneath my pillow from the magical ferry. So they all went hiking. You did not. Did you sleep when they were hiking? Chiki cha. Chiki cha. Chiki cha for the brain. The mind or the brain? The first generation is mind. Did you enjoy the nature? Did you soak it up, Bob? I've been there before. What we also did is we have some hippie friends out there. Shane D.,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have Shandy, Burning Woman. Burning Woman. And she has a boyfriend. His name is... Lioness. Lioness. Wait, the man's name is Lioness? Lioness. Oh, Lioness. Yeah. Oh, like from fucking Peanuts. Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown. Lioness. I've never met a guy named Lioness. Is Lioness the stinky one?

Yes. The one that has lions coming off of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. There's always flies. Yeah, I love it. Poop flies. And Linus owns a coffee shop slash pizza place. Slash CBD Emporium slash hemp necklace maker slash 311 International Disc Burner. Yeah. Yeah, I know this guy. I know Linus. Yeah. And Linus opened up his coffee shop pizza. He made pizza for us. It was fun. That's awesome. Did you make pizza? Yeah.

No. Oh, would he let you make hand-made pizza? No. Oh, no, no. I don't know how. What's his shop called? Should we shout it out? Linus's. Oh, go to Linus's Pizza and Coffee. Pizza and Coffee. Yeah. Linus's Pizza and Coffee. Yeah, there's a show called, I like, it's called Body Bazaar. No? I don't know it. Body Bazaar is a very interesting show. It has, every episode has three characters.

Very unique physical conditions or abnormalities or deformities. This is where the thing came from that you taught me about. What? This is where that crazy deformed disease person came from. A lot of different ones. Progeria? Not progeria, the other one that you showed me.

The one where it's like... Pre-possess it? I don't know. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop. I don't know. Which one? You showed me a picture of someone on the internet. Do you remember? Oh, yeah. That one. That's called Harlequin. Harlequin. Harlequin. Harlequin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. There is somebody with Harlequin in it, but there's other crazy ones where they have ones where they have a skin disorder. They do. They have a skin disorder where...

You know, they're born with no skin. Oh, I've seen that. Yeah. It's almost like you can see their veins and you can see the inner workings. Yeah, they're translucent. Yeah, I saw this one where the mother in the mornings have to wrap his son like a mummy. Before he goes out? Before he goes to school. Like a mummy. And then at night he has to take a three-hour bath to take the bandages off.

And every layer, it takes off and he screams. Because it fuses to his skin. He has to live like that every fucking day. Don't you feel lucky? Yeah, I want it. You want it? Yeah, I do want it. Do you see my freckly, freckly? I got more sun yesterday. And you know what my babysitter used to do? My Mexican babysitter? She used to take me on the roof when she was tanning. What was her name? Lisa. Mexican. Alvarez. Oh, there we go. She'd take me on the roof.

And she hated my freckles and she would make fun of me. And she says, freckles are ugly. And I got self-conscious. You know what she used to do? She used to put lemon juice on my freckles to see if they'd go away. She tried to burn them off my body. Yeah, freckles are ugly. Why? Why not? What's ugly about it? It gives me a little bit of style. It just, for me, I just don't, I used to date a girl with freckles.

Yeah. Yeah. And now you're still like, when she was sleeping at night, I'd connect the dots. Shut up. Yeah, I would. Shut up. Make a zodiac in the back. You did? Yeah, yeah. I have the big dipper. Sometimes I do a swastika. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have the dipper on my back. Yeah, it's just a freaky little thing that humans have. It gives me texture. You can call that.

I like perfect things. In the same way that your skin tone is yellow, it has a yellow undertone. There's no yellow. It's so funny. You know what? You do have yellow. I have a red, red, or orange. I'm red and orange undertone. You have yellow undertone. So if this was, let me ask you something. If you pull out a crayon with my skin, it wouldn't say yellow. Yeah.

It wouldn't say yellow on the thing. You'd be closer to yellow than you would any other color in the box. Brown. No, you're not brown. Oh, my God. You're fucking ridiculous. No, you have an undertone of yellow. Skins have undertones. Look it up. I have an undertone of reddish and orange. So what does Rudy, bad Rudy, what does she have an undertone?

Taupe. It's a taupe color. It's like a poop. I call it poop. Poopoo kid. Yeah, yeah. So I have an undertone. You met my brother. He has it too. He's a deeper. His yellow is deeper than yours. It's a deeper yellow. It's almost burnt yellow. Burnt yellow? Burnt yellow. Suncrisp.

Sun crisp? Yeah. Yeah. He's like a heat miser yellow. Like it's really intense, but it's the depth of – you know how the middle of a fire, the hottest part of a fire? You know what I mean? It's like guttural and deep. Yeah, it's deep. Your red is very deep as well. I know. Well, it's more orange. I think I'm more orange beyond my hair. Yeah, it's like – My tone is orange. Yeah.

It's like the color of... You know how a dog's dick comes out? The lipstick? Yeah, the lipstick part. Yeah. Yeah. Like this. You take that, yeah, and you chop that part out. If I was going to make your collar, I would chop that part out. Yeah. And then I would probably take a really strawberry Starburst. Yeah. Yeah, smash that, right? And grind it together into like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I would take...

Just a big, steamy pile of shit. And that's the My Color? Yeah, yeah. Here's what you are. Yeah, what? You're a...

I'll take a couple of glass noodles. Yeah. And I mesh the glass noodles together with urine, but urine dehydrated urine. Hot, bright yellow dehydrated. I didn't drink water for a week urine. Yeah. Okay. Then I mix that around for a while. Then I take fingernail clippings. Okay. Fingernail clippings. Mash that together inside of there. A couple of the butts of cigarettes. A couple of cigarette butts for texture and absorbency. Yeah. Smash that together. Yeah.

And that's you. You're a noodle cigarette butt toenail. That would be your scent. That would be your scent. If someone said, what does Bobby smell like? I'd go, noodle cigarette butt toenail. What is mine? Dog dick? You think I'm dog dick? No. Yours is if you took a fat Karen in the park. A Meredith? No, a Karen complaining. But a Meredith is the fat Karen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A Meredith, yes. Yes.

And she's complaining, right? But she happens to have a yeast infection. What?

And I tackled that little Meredith down And I put a hazmat suit on Because I don't like Meredith's smell down there And I would shave off Bits of that yeast Yeah, stick it in one of those Those little In Asia, we crunch nuts and stuff In a medicine bowl That's right I would stick that in there And I would sneak into the White House What are you doing in the White House?

To get Trump. I need Trump's shit. Okay. Yeah. And I would take... I had lunch with him yesterday. No, you didn't. And then I would take the hairs, the taint hairs. Of Trump? Yeah. It is redder than most. Yeah. And it's also mixed in with lies and deceit. Yeah, yeah. And I would clip that out. Yeah. Stick it in with the Meredith Yeast. Uh-huh. Right? And then I would take that... What's that animal in Chicago? The grizzly animal. In Chicago? Your mom. Your mom.

It's funny. That grizzly animal. Don't talk about my mother. It's just a joke. Relax. Yeah, my mother's very pretty. She's a beautiful woman. Unlike your cross-eyed mother. Don't. You don't have to fucking get... I'm not Bobby Mata. I'm Bobby Mom. You're so fucking mean, dude.

That's your skin color. Anyway. Your mom. You know what your mom looks like? What? Your mom looks like, you know when kids dress up as old people? Yeah. That's what your mom looks like, a kid that's wearing a mask. Wow. You know kids are dressing up like old people to buy booze during COVID? Really? This is a real thing.

Young teenagers will put on a ton of makeup and a bonnet, and they wear the mask because it covers up the majority of their face and their hair. And they wear old people clothes. They're going to thrift stores, and they're getting canes, and they're walking in, and they're buying booze. They're fucking geniuses. They caught a bunch of teenagers doing it just the other day. Wow. How smart. Because I haven't been to a store since the pandemic. I know. Do you have to...

Like how do you – if I give them a credit card and they go, ID, please? Nobody asks for ID. They don't? I swear to God. I haven't been – but I don't get asked for ID when I buy booze or anything anyway anymore, but I've never seen them. But now everyone does Apple Pay. You have this really weird like – because sometimes when I look at you, I think to myself, here's a really good bro, a guy that I could be –

Yeah.

from the dawn of time, being reincarnated and doing it again and again. But then sometimes I feel like I don't know you at all and that you are an evil piece of garbage human. And I just don't want to be there with you. Where I want to be is with the chummy, whimsical... When we're having fun. Having fun. But that's only when you want to have it. The parental... Oh, you don't like to be told what to do. You're disappointed in me.

You got mad at me because I didn't fucking play video games because I just couldn't admit the truth. Yeah. Which is I fucking don't want to play video games with a group of people. I don't. I don't. It's fine. I don't want to play with a bunch of strangers. If you said, let's sit in a room and play Super Nintendo together, I'd probably be here for 10 hours. But instead, I don't want to be online.

You don't have, number one, we don't have to stream it. It's on the internet. I've seen it all. I've watched it. I know. My brother doesn't like when people stream. You guys stream every week. I know, but there are people that he'll go on and say, I don't want to stream, and they'll turn it off. My point is this. How do you know they turn it off? Or I will destroy them. What do you mean? Can't they just record it without you knowing? Listen, I play with a kid named Ramey. I know Ramey. I've heard about this kid. This kid, right? Yeah.

If he put on – if he streamed – because sometimes I'll go, my manager will call, and I'll go put everyone – pause the stream. They all pause it because I want to talk to them, my manager, about things. You're just trusting all these random strangers from the internet? He's not – they're friends now. You don't even know them. I do know them. I know them as much as I know anybody else. All you know about them is that you enjoy playing video games together.

When you're playing... Listen, it's not as if when you're playing, you're going... You're going to give me some philosophical depth about you playing a video game makes you best friends with somebody? No, but I'm just saying that what you think to yourself is that when I'm playing...

It's not as if we're constantly strategizing. What are you talking about? We talk about how was your day at work? You know, this happened. What does Ramey do for work? He used to work at a car dealership, but then he got fired. Now he works at a four-star hotel as a receptionist because he's moving here in September. He's trying to save his money. Why does he come to L.A.? Because he wants to do... He used to work for a local sports show in his hometown of Georgia. And he...

He was doing their social media, and he also was producing some segments. He has always wanted to live in that world. He's a huge fan of yours, huge fan of mine. He's a huge podcast fan. He knows all of them. So he's become a real friend. I'm friends with all of them. But the other people you don't know as well as you know him. Yeah, I only play with people that I know. In the beginning, yes.

Albeit yes, but the ones that I'm playing with now. So you're developing a relationship with these people? No, they're my friends. You're falling in love with these people on the internet? Yeah. It's not people from the internet. They're just kids that are always on. How old are they? Remy's 20. How old are the rest of them? I play with this kid named Josh Price. Nice kid from Denver. 14, 15. No, he has like a little deficiency.

Oh, he's disabled? Just inside his mind. Oh. Yeah. And then I play with a guy named Matt who lives in Wales, and he's a taekwondo instructor, but he's missing an arm. That's got to be tough. Yeah. If you look at his Instagram, he's just going, ha, ha, the whole time with just one arm. Ha!

And he uses his legs. And then this one, it's like, uh-huh. He can only do his left side. It's a nub. It's a nub. Yeah. He's like, get over here. Yeah, but he doesn't wear those prosthetic things. Yeah. He just uses the nut. Freaks people out with the nub. Well, nubs to me need to be perfected.

Do you polish a nub or do you color it? I would, you know, like a pool cue. I would use that blue stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for my nub. Because you want more attention on the nub? I feel like most people don't want any attention on the nub. Yeah, or, you know, when I'm a gymnast, they use that powder.

Chalk. Just hand chalk. Yeah, I put that and then? Well, it dries it out. But not only, I'm not done. And then I would scrape it with fucking sandpaper. I would go to Home Depot, get just a sheet of sandpaper, just scrape it. So it just evens out. Smooth. Smooth it out. Yeah. You know what I would do? I would get a prosthetic with skin on the outside, you know, that it looks like an arm. But I want it twice as long as my other one.

So I just want one arm like this and one arm like this. That would be cool. At all times. Just a huge left arm. Yeah. My other one's like this. And just have a string where you just kind of, yeah, yeah, control it. Or you could probably get a tattoo. Well, I know a friend who has a missing limb, and he has tattoos all over it.

Like, the first joke he got was, you should see the other guy on his nub. And then underneath he wrote, don't play with knives. And then he's got all these – he's got tons of tattoos joking about the nub. And then just to, like, give shape and art to it. Yeah. It's an art nub. His name is Art Nub. I would make it so it looks like, you know, it's infected. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it's almost like, you know, like people are like, that just happened. And you're like –

Yeah, you could go in and do that constantly. You could pretend every time. Yeah. Or just walk into a bank. Ah! You know what I mean? Ah! You know, people go. I would constantly, you know how they can have those fire suits? You know how they can put enough of that stuff on to, I would constantly light it on fire and just wave it around. That's how you could get free shit. Walk in somewhere and go, call the police! They would run out, take shit, blow it off, and then go out the back. If you could lose one of your limbs, what would you lose?

If I could. If you had to. If you had to choose. Both or... You gotta choose a limb. These are the kind of games. Those are the kind of questions that you play. I remember in high school, you would go camping for the first time with your buddies. And you would... There's nothing to do. You set the fire. There's nothing to do. You guys want to play a game? They'd be like, yeah. Alright, so...

Who'd you fuck, Bobby? Me or Randy?

Well, I know where that's going. Yeah. Because you're like, both. I'd fuck both of them. No. This ends up being an orgy. This is what you're trying to say. You're trying to do one of these trick things on trying to get me involved in something that you did. I didn't have sex with my friends like you did, you weirdo. I didn't have sex with nobody. You know when you go out to camp and your buddy's like, show us your penis. We should kiss it. No, no. You did do a lot of weird stuff like that when you were a kid. You had weird moments of doing weird. I guarantee you, you had a moment in the woods with a friend who made you do something uncomfortable. Didn't they? Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. You're trying to make it seem like everyone had that experience. The weirdest thing we ever did was. A leg. Yeah. A leg. You'd lose a leg. Yeah. Right or left? My left leg. Why? It's the weakest out of all my limbs. You do have a bad left leg. Yeah. The knee is not good. You're just talking about arms and legs, correct? Yeah. But you can't get a prosthetic. What? No. Left arm then.

Left arm. Yeah. Because you use your right arm too. Jack off. Also, the guy Matt, who I play with from Wales. Limby? Isn't his name Matt Limby? No. Matt Nubbin? Nubbin, yeah. He has one arm. Matt Nubbin. I don't know how he plays, but he plays with the nub.

Is the nub on the joystick and then the buttons are his right hand? I think he uses his nub. I don't know what nub. And then he plays, but he is very good. On a computer desktop or this is on PS4? Well, you know, with Warzone, a lot of people play it on computer. Is it PS5 now? It's all cross-platforms. What do you have? A PS4. Is 5 out? Coming out. When does it come out? Soon. Are you excited? Not really. Why? I'll just get it.

I don't get excited about any technology coming out. I do. Oh, my God. Like when the new iPhone comes out, I'm not like, ooh, I can't wait. Well, you play video games so much. Wouldn't that be – it's like saying a new piece of golf equipment comes out. I do get excited because I'm like, that would be cool to use. Yeah, but when a new console comes out, the games aren't really necessarily – the first generation of the console games aren't necessarily that great. Because they're beta. Yeah, but –

Yeah, I'm not that excited, you know. But in terms of Warzone, let's go back to that. I've only asked you to play because it's just pure joy and fun. I want to have fun with you. My problem with video games is when I play them,

It's a personality trait. I feel like I should have been doing something else. My brain goes, you should be writing. You should be working out. You should be cooking. You should be talking to someone. You should be. But in my mind, it feels like I'm just killing a clock to me. It's not that I feel for you. I feel the opposite. I feel like I'm really accomplishing something. But you're not.

Helix Sleep. You guys, Andrew and I got, a couple of months ago, Helix Sleep in our house. Mattresses, yeah. Mattresses. And we opened it up and we used them. And I'm telling you right now,

Wow. Wow. We've had sleepovers with them, which is kind of nice. Bob will come over, sleep on mine. I'll go sleep on his because we have different Helix sleep numbers. You get online and you take this little quiz and they tell you your body type. Mine was obviously athletic, firm, tight, and young and vibrant. Bob's was large, lopey, and what is it? Lopey, mumpy, mumpy, and bumpy. Yeah, but it's still good. Yeah. You know, sleeping to me is –

Your whole life. It's your whole life, and without good sleep, it could just dictate the direction of your life, I believe. That's exactly right. Helix Sleep is going to take care of that. Get online. Take the quiz. They can ship you exactly the mattress that you want. It comes in a box to your front door. You don't have to go anywhere and go get it. It's like a personalized bed, guys. It is. It's literally a personalized bed. You can make it the way you want. Yeah. It's awesome. Don't take our word for it. They're rated number one overall mattress pick. Number one.

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And it's also – it's like watching a movie. Like Kalilah will watch a Korean soap opera from season – from the beginning of all seasons in a row, right? I don't do that either. I know, but she does that. And I don't really play like this during – if it wasn't a pandemic. But it's like I don't know how long this is going to last. But when the pandy wasn't happening, you were playing all night long instead. No, I wasn't.

You weren't playing in the middle of the night? There would be months where I wouldn't play at all. Because you were working. No, it depends on what game it is. If there's a game out, it's not like if I like movies, I'm not going to watch every movie ever made. Why not? You know, but like I will watch. I've like seen every Christopher Nolan movie. Have you?

I guess. I think I have. I've seen probably almost all the things that he's made. Yeah, I've seen every Wes Anderson movie. Wes Anderson, every Tarantino. Yeah, but there are some people that I like, like most movies that come out, I don't watch.

And that's like that in video games. You're saying when you get hooked on a game, you're hooked for a while. There's a company called Bethesda. They make my favorite games. They make Fallout and they make Elder Scrolls Skyrim. And every time a Fallout or an Elder Scrolls comes out, I will play it from beginning to end because they're the type of games that I like.

Right. But what I'm saying is – Grand Theft Auto, if a rock star, if Grand Theft Auto came out, the new one, obviously – I've only played them through one time, but I will play it through one time because it's cultural. People make references to it, and it's important. It's important to you, yeah. To everyone. No, to you. No. You think I can get by without knowing anything about Skyrim? Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, when you and I, because you can do duos in Warzone, just two people. So you and I parachuting down, right? Do you know how much fun we would have? Where are you going? Oh my God. You're right. That would be it the whole time. Why are you doing that? No, but it'd be one of those things where it's like,

Also, I believe that you're going to be so good at it that you're going to be an asset to my stats. Oh, I improve your stats. You might. If I come over to the house, can I do it with you there? No, I have to have my own shit. You have to have your own shit. But I'm telling you right now that you're going to be like – we play with this guy named Kung Fu Nick.

And Kung Fu Nick – Is he a black guy? No, he's Asian. Huh. Kung Fu Nick, you know, when his wife is sleeping, you can hear him going, all right, she's asleep, guys. I can play a little bit. So he only plays for like 45 minutes and he goes back to sleep. That bothers me so much. Why? It's just the idea that a guy is like sneaking away to play video games. It's like why can't – aren't you an adult? Is Kung Fu Nick a grown-up?

Yeah, he has his own dojo. Oh, he owns things? He owns his own dojo. So who the fuck is telling him he can't play video games? His wife. That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.

If my wife ever said, I don't want you playing video. I don't play video. And my wife said, I don't want you playing golf. I'd be like, bye. Yeah. You can't tell me. What's the point of golf? It's the same thing. No. There's no point to it. The difference is I like physical activity and getting up and getting out. I don't like being at home. I know, but it's still pointless. No, I know. It's no, no, no. It's not pointless. First of all.

Putting a little ball into a hole is pointless. You're a nihilist now. Now anything's pointless. That's how I feel about video games. It's like I get the same exact thing out of playing video games as you do with golf. Yeah. No, don't diminish it. It's a great sport. And don't diminish Warzone. It's a great video game. I'm not. I just don't find that it's ever going to help me. It will. No, because my anxiety is so high. You haven't tried it. I can't finish a movie. Try it. I can't finish a movie. It's free.

What I'm saying to you— It's free. Yeah. Don't you have to pay to play? No. It's completely free. So I buy the game. You don't buy it. They give it to me for free. Yes. Why would they do that? Because they make money off of—like, when you play Warzone and you don't spend any money, you get what everyone else gets, right? But if I buy special weapons, I get— No, there's no special weapons. No, but, you know, you can buy an Operator.

Because if you don't get an operator, you'll look like just a regular soldier on the battlefield. But no one has different abilities. How much money have you spent on the game? A couple grand. No wonder it's free.

No, because I – You spent a couple thousand dollars? My brother hasn't spent any money. Zero. That would be me. But when we fly down, right, he's just like this regular white guy where I – you know what I mean? Does he get to design? You can't design your guy? No, but you can get operators, and they're not that expensive. They're like three bucks. But I have to get all of them. How did you – you spent thousands of dollars because you bought how many operators? All of them over time.

How long is this? Dude. How long has the game been out? Four or five years. Oh, okay. What do most people spend? Nothing. So most people do it. Like yesterday, we were playing with Raimi, and Raimi was like, I need a new operator. And I Venmoed him 40 bucks. What is an operator? It's just whatever your character looks like when you're down there. A new avatar. Yeah, when you're running around. Yeah, yeah. And you spend thousands of dollars on operators. Yeah.

Yeah. Operator. Yeah, yeah. Really? Why not? I don't know. I just think it seems, yeah, obviously. Have you spent $1,000 on golf? Yeah, but that's a real thing. No, Warzone is a real thing. No, no, no. Like a golf club I physically have to use. Yeah, when I'm physically doing this. Yeah, but you don't have to change your operator. Your brother doesn't. You don't have to get great golf equipment. You can just get shitty golf equipment. You have to pay for it either way. Your brother does it for free.

Yeah. I know, but I don't – my brother doesn't get operators because he doesn't have the money to get it. So why don't you give him the money instead of enmoying the other guy $40? Because I already asked him. I go, do you want to get a new operator? He goes, no, I'm fine, Bob. I don't want one. He wants one. He doesn't want one because my brother doesn't like fashion. My brother has never liked fashion. So you're saying it's about fashion. If I go to like Vans, right, and I go, I'll buy you – I could go into a Vans right now and go, you want a pair of shoes? He'd go, yeah. Yeah.

He doesn't even have to point it out. I can go in there and just pick one because I know what he likes. He wants the plain... All black Vans. No. It's always brown, plain, nothing. Cool. Right? If he gets jeans, hey, I'm going to get some raw... How much do I spend money on? I spend...

Me and Nick Youssef and all these comics, right? Kevin Christie. We'll go to Self Edge and go, hey, so, you know, did that double ply Okinawa raw denim come out yet? Oh, yeah. But we only have two. They're like 600 bucks. You spend 600 bucks? Yeah. Per pair? Yeah. See, you don't like fashion. It's not about fashion. It's about getting – if you wear anything but raw denim, aside from raw denim, Japanese raw denim –

Don't even lock eyes with me. Really? Yeah. You're really pretentious. Oh, yeah. About jeans? Yes! Who gives a shit? I do. Why? Because if you're wearing jeans, you know how sometimes they make jeans that are dirtied up? Yeah. They look good and they put the lines in it. It's not organic. It's factory made. It's corporate. I don't like it, right? You're wearing a shirt that's factory made? You know what this is? A Black Sabbath shirt? No. This is made worn. Look it up.

Look it up. And if I took you there, your eyes would get boggled. It looks fine. No, I'm just saying I only wear made-to-wear. Yeah, that's probably a $300 shirt. Hello. You see this Jefferson Indoor Gun Range from New Orleans, Louisiana? Free. I shot a gun. They gave it to me. And it looks like it. I'm fine with that. That's fine. But you're like my brother. You don't like fashion. I like fashion. And that's why I buy operators when I fucking play Warzone. Because I want to look good. You're a little Asian prince.

I like fashion. You're a peasant. I want on the new apparatus. You're a fucking little white peasant. You're making up for something. You have to have nice fancy clothes because everything underneath doesn't work. This is the emperor's new clothes. No, no, no. What's underneath is broken. It's not broken. This is the emperor's new clothes. Yeah. The emperor needs a new shirt. Yeah, I am broke. I am broke. I was molested and beat and I'm broke. Well, the Black Sabbath $400 shirt and $700 jeans aren't going to help.

But it makes me feel good. Listen, when I grew up, I asked my dad, can I get a fucking game console? No. Can I get clothes? No. Right? Can I eat? Maybe. Right? No. It's always like, you know, on their terms. And so growing up, I was like. So this is just retaliation. Just let me finish. In my early 20s.

I went to thrift stores, right? At first, not out of... Because it's cool to look retro because that's all I could really afford. Right. But then what I found was I got old rock tees before old rock tees were cool, right? So I've always liked these types of clothing. Right. But it's like... But then when I started making money, I was just like...

I remember walking up to Kevin Christie one day, and he can admit this. This is when... You ever heard of APC? Yes. What is it? APC. You don't know. Just say you don't know. Apfel... No. Apfelprime. APC is like... It's a clothing company. Yeah, I know. It's in Beverly Hills. I know where they are. Okay. And, you know, have you heard of Golden Goose? No. Okay. So I wear... You know the tennis shoes? All the tennis shoes I wear? Mm-hmm.

They look like $20, $30 tennis shoes. Right, but they cost way too much. $1,200. That's so dumb. I'm just saying. Look at this. Yeah. $799. Look at this. Montclair. Okay, how much is your sandal? How much is your flip-flop? A couple hundred bucks. Hundreds of dollars. Yeah. Same function. Yeah. $8. But it has the Montclair on it.

What does that even—well, who cares if it's Montclair? They make jackets. No, you don't get it. So what I'm saying—I can't—now what I'm sounding in the podcast— Is like an asshole. Is an asshole. So we have to cut all this out. No. Yeah, yeah. No, because this is real. It's not real. You really feel that way. You think that that's going to make up for whatever annoyance that you have about anything. That's not—why would a Montclair sandal— I'll tell you why. Yeah. Okay? Because—and this is the truth. And I like nice shit, by the way. No, no, no. I know the truth. You know Dean— Del Rey. Del Rey. Yeah.

Dean Terrell, he called me one day. He goes, hey, man. I'm over at... Hey! Hey, man. I'm over at... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm over at... Bill Bird! Fred Siegel. Oh. I go, yeah. He goes, yeah, man. There's a Montclair jacket here that I can't afford. I go, take a photo of it. What is Montclair? I didn't know what it was. Oh, see, I knew. He's like, yeah, just rich, you know, French people wear it. So he sends me the... And I get it, right? The Montclair jacket. And now I'm wearing this...

vest, Montclair jacket at the comedy store. I know it. I've seen it. Yeah, and David Spade walks up to me. I don't know him at all. Never talked to me before. Yeah. He walks up. He sticks his finger on the Montclair logo. He goes, what's up, man? You're doing good. I go, what do you mean? I love that company. And then we became friends. So you bonded over expensive jackets. Yeah, boom!

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Yeah, the most likable. You're my dog. The most marketable, likable character. Thank you. That's Shaggy. No, that's not Shaggy. Hey, Scoob. Yeah, everybody loves Shaggy. He was a pothead. Yeah. He was Scooby's best friend. Unfuckable. The original incel.

Scooby? No, Shaggy. No, Shaggy wasn't an incel. He has to hang out with a dog 24-7. His best friend. His other friends won't even hang out with him. Those friends suck. Thelma sucks. Those guys suck. They have raves in that van, and they're like, fuck you, Shaggy. You just go hang out with your fucking dog, and we're going to go on an adventure. You're right. You know what I was doing to the dog? What? You know what I was doing to the dog. Sucking its dick. No, I'm making you suck my dick. I fuck you. I fuck you, Scoob.

You want some Scooby snacks? Chomp, chomp, chomp. Oh, you getting tired? I fuck you, Scooby. You know, it makes, you know, okay, I'm not, I am an elitist, I guess. Yeah, you're, yes. In many ways. Look, I like fancy stuff, too. Yeah. I just never understood the work of- But you challenged why I buy operators in Warzone. That's what this is. And I'm just giving- No, I didn't challenge it. I said, why do you- I'm just giving you an insight. Well, the bottom line is you like, you think it's important to look good, to wear nice shit.

Yeah, and generally it doesn't really matter. I get it. At the end of the things, especially – this is going to get a lot of backlash because I know – Why? People aren't doing well in the pandemic. I don't spend that much money right now, but –

I have in my life. I have in my life. I spend money on stupid stuff too. Like what? My car is very expensive. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You drive a piece of shit and I drive a nice car. Yes. But that's a thing I use all the time. I think clothes to me are like, I take this off. I get naked at the end of the day at my house. Yeah. These things mean, they just, I only wear clothes because we have to.

Because legally, the law says I can't walk around. Otherwise, I would put on just swim trunks and walk around like that all day. Yeah. I don't ever want jeans or shirts or clothes. I don't like it. I live in California, so I don't have to have lots of clothes. When I lived in La Jolla, I knew this kid named Tom. His dad was a multi-multi-multi-millionaire. I was broke. And his dad also was, like, hipster-like. He looked cool, his dad. Yeah, like effortlessly cool. Yeah, and he...

Drove up to this – his dad one time drove up to this coffee shop he used to work at in a clunker. Like the window was blasted out. The hubcaps weren't there. And he walked out of there just looking like a degenerate, right? And I thought to myself, yes. So that's why I always have a clunker car. It's always beat up. There's always a window missing. Right. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about cars. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. You care about fashion. That's why you need operators. Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't – but when you look at me, it's not – I look – I like the heroin chic look.

Yeah, you look like Homeless Plus. Yeah. Yeah. I like when it's like, huh. But look, I'm jealous of the fact – I've talked about this. I can't – that's a cool shirt. I fucking love Black Sabbath. Whether or not you even like the band is a debatable thing. Do you like Black Sabbath? I love Black Sabbath. Okay. But people wear those shirts a lot, and I resent it because they wear – like the Kardashians will wear a fucking –

A metal shirt, like a Pantera shirt? I know they don't like Pantera. Yeah. Okay, that's my problem with the culture that took over wearing cool shit. All right, dude, listen. So because of it, I'd rather wear a Jefferson Indoor Gun Rage, New Orleans, Louisiana. I'd rather wear this. Yeah. Because it's fun. Okay. When I'm at Made Worn. Made Worn? Made Worn. Made Worn? Yeah. Oh, it's called Made Worn. Made Worn, yeah. Is it a replica or it's an actual...

Vintage shirt. It's the guy that does all of Christopher Nolan's clothing and stuff for his movies, especially the history pieces. This guy is... He's friends with Dean, but he owns a factory. Not a factory. He owns Fairfax. And he sells these shirts. What he does is he collected rock t-shirts all his life. And...

He created a company years ago called Junk Food, which was a clothing brand, and he made rock teas there as well. But they were factory-made in Asia and stuff like that. They didn't look – so he decided – he sold that company and decided to make a real vintage clothing company. But he took – he takes –

This is a brand new shirt. No one's ever... It's never worn. Never worn. So it should be called Made Never Worn. And he has a crew of people dipping in oil, putting it on the sun, you know what I mean, stretching it. So you pay for it to be worn. Yeah. And...

So when I go there, it's like I don't pick out shirts. Like he'll go, look at this one. I go, I don't know that band, so I don't like them. So I can't wear it. Right. Right? So it's like if it's a Clash shirt or I love the Clash or the Sex Pistols or whatever it might be, I'll get that. So they have little people ruining the shirts so you can – They're not dwarves. It's not like the fucking – I thought you said they had LPs there.

Leprechauns? I thought you said they had LPs. No, no, no, no. So he employs only LPs. No, no, no, no, no. So a bunch of LPs, they'll wear out the shirts and they run down to the river and they wash it in the river. But also if you go there, right, if I brought you there, you'd be like, oh. Cool. Not just cool. That factory that he has on Fairfax is like a fucking museum.

Well, then let's go. It's ask anyone that's ever been. I don't, you know, because of your attitude, because I have to call and make an appointment because of your fucking attitude. I may not. Right now or in general? Right now. Oh, OK. Yeah. In general, is that OK? In general, yes. But right now. The frame that I'm in right now, you think I don't deserve it. No, you don't deserve anything. Oh, really? You're a game combative.

And nasty. I'm being... First of all, I'm not being combative and nasty. Just play Warzone. Don't be a fucking asshole and a pussy. Okay. You're not a man of your word. Here's the deal. Yeah. I am if it's something I care about. No. No.

I'm asking you as a friend to play one time. Okay, so then here's the problem. I have to go buy a system. You said that you had an Xbox. I have an Xbox. You said it's PlayStation. It's cross-platform. I want to play it on the one I'm supposed to play it on. No, no, no. Half the people I play with play it on other – I said some people play it on the computer. It's cross-platform. All right. The game's free. I'm going to go home. So you have the fucking thing. I download it. Yes. I need to go get my headset. Yeah, make sure you have a mic to it.

I need to get my headset with a mic. Yeah. And I log in. I create a player. Then I have to spend hours learning the triggers and the buttons. That's not – it's literally so self-explanatory. There's so many buttons on the Xbox thing now. Oh, my god. Listen. It's right trigger, left trigger, top, top, four. All right. Even the jiggers are joggers. There's four buttons. Yeah, I know. A, B, X, Y. All right. So let's say this is the control. I have it. All right.

In your little mind, just make an assumption. What would we shoot? Right trigger. Exactly. Yeah. What about the top and right buttons? What about the buttons? Throw grenades. Both of them make you throw grenades? It depends on what your... This is where it gets... You're so fucking dumb, dude. I just, I don't have the capacity to care. Yeah, you do. Yeah. It's more of it's hard for me to invest. I used to play, you know what I used to play? Yeah, what? Tiger Woods golf. I loved it.

Simple. I'm a simple man. In Tiger Woods golf, could you go on a tournament? You play Tiger Woods. Yeah, you hit the ball. And then you fuck about 12 other women? No way. Tiger goes to Waffle House after his round. If you win a round, you're allowed to leave, go to Waffle House, and you fuck Darla in a Ford Galaxy. He's never fucked a black woman, by the way. Yes, he has. Tiger Woods, you think during all that escapades he didn't have sex with a black girl? You're insane.

Name me one. Huh? Name me one. Geneva Johnson. Oh, Geneva. Geneva Johnson. That's right. Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay, my bad. 4.30 in the morning outside of an IHOP. My bad, but... Look. Look, look, look. I'm going to play, I promise. No, you're not. No, look at me. I don't want you to. Oh, you don't now. What I am is a Kikamori. What's Kikamori mean? You don't know what a Kikamori is? Obviously, I just asked you. I don't know what it means. I know you don't, but do you know what it is?

Yes, a kikomori is a... Guess what it is. I know what it is. What? A kikomori in Japan are these little tiny... They're almost a muskrat size. And they... No, seriously. They're little tiny muskrat rodent creatures, and they've got bulbous bellies and cute little noses and beautiful little eyes. Yeah. And they roam around northern Japan. You're describing Japanese people. Oh, right. Yeah. They roam around... No, a kikomori is a servant of a Korean...

fighting instructor, a martial arts instructor. It's a servant. Yeah? Isn't that the Kikomori? I'll just tell you what it is. Kikomori is the guy who hand makes... You know who it is? He hand cuts out dim sum. That's a Hikikomori. What's a Kikomori? A Kikomori is a Japanese shut-in.

I was so close. I was going to get that. You still let me get there. You're getting there. So it's a recluse. There are kids in middle class homes, even upper class, kids who have never left their room. You're a kikamori. I could have been, I think. I think I'm a kikamori. They never left their room. And so basically what happens is they go, okay.

That's just them. Yeah. You know what I mean? I hear it. They always say okay first. Yeah, they have to set up that they're okay. Because they have to go, okay, and then the next thought comes. Right. Okay, here we go. They always say, here we go. Here we go. Okay, here we go, my friend. And then my friend. Why do people always say my friend from different lands? My friend, because it's a... No matter where you go. My friend. My friend, my friend. My friend, two for one. Yeah, yeah, two for one. You're right. Two for one, my friend. Because they want you to think that they like you.

Or they go, Mr. Meester. Meester? Yeah. Whenever I was – when I would go to Mexico. Mexico and the kids would sell chiclets? Yeah, and they'd go, Mr. Meester. Mr. Gum. Yeah, Mr. Gum. You know what I would do? I'd steal the chiclets. Yeah. I'd put them all in my mouth. Yeah. I'd spit them at the kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I was in Tijuana once shopping. Tijuana once shopping. Yeah. And there was a man with no arms and low legs.

And he was just sitting there, like, on the side. Well, don't do that with your arms because you didn't have any. I know, but people with no arms, they have invisible ones. They wish they had. Phantom limbs. Yeah. So he was actually doing this, right? Right. Yeah. And he was like, mister. Mister. You have money, mister. Right? So I didn't know where to put it. He didn't have a cup. So I stuck it right in his mouth.

You have to put it somewhere. Where do you put it? Between the eyelids? I would have put it right on his head. He had it and it just stuck right in his mouth. He's like, mister, go ahead. I want to talk to you about something for real. I want to tell you about Kikimori real quick. Come back. I have something to ask you because I'm so interested in what you think. Can we go back to Kikimori? Let's start with Kikimori. What was it?

Okay. Okay. Remember? Yeah. That's what he's thinking. Okay. Let's go. These kids go, okay, so I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't want to work. I don't want nothing. Right? So they basically just sit in their fucking rooms and their parents put food, you know, sometimes in a little slot, through a slot. Because they don't want to see anybody. They take it.

and they're always on computer. Like one kid made a lot of money on the stock market, but he just never left the house. So he just gives his parents money, and he just says, give me whatever I need and leave me alone. Right, but then most parents, they just enable it. And these kids stay in there, never seeing the light of day. Yeah, so there's a big epidemic. And it's kids that are playing video games. It's mainly video games, right? Some of them play video games, but some of them, they ring...

and watch anime. Are you a Kikamore? No. What does Kikamore directly translate to? Shut-in. Shut-in. Kikamore sounds so much nicer than shut-in. I know. It sounds like it's more noble. I came up with the movie idea a long time ago about me as a shut-in. I grew up here, though. In L.A.? In L.A. My dad dies, so my mom just tells all my friends that I moved back to Korea.

And then like 25 years later, she's sick now, right? Uh-huh. And she calls all my friends. But now all my friends are like adults with families and stuff. And they go, he didn't go back. And they're like, what?

Yeah, he'd be here the whole time. He lives in Garden Grove. So it's all my friends coming back to comedy. Yeah. Right? And trying to get me to live life again. As a grown-up. But now I'm like, I don't know how to really speak. I haven't talked to anybody in 20 years. This is like an autobiographical thing for you. This is almost a little bit, this is like your life a little bit. No, man. I'm a go-getter. Ask me the question. That was rude. Ask me the question. I didn't mean it. You are shut in with video games, though.

You going to play today? I'm going to, I promise. Do you know what a conservatorship is? Conservatorship? Conservatorship. No. Britney Spears is under a conservatorship. Do you know what this is? When she had her public meltdown, there was like a hashtag going around called Free Britney. People think she's like being held against her will. Ever since she got publicly, you know, she shaved her head and freaked out. You can put someone in a conservatorship, which means like you have a guardian taking care of you to make sure you're not...

losing it, going off the deep end and hurting yourself or others, right? So her dad is her conservatorship overseer and a lawyer and they get salaries and she's only allowed an allowance. This is a 38-year-old woman or whatever she is. So I go on her Instagram because I'm seeing all these conspiracy theories online and I'm like, let's check this out. Is this real? Is this bullshit? But here's what's wild. This is what's crazy. Two things. One, how old do you think she was when Baby Hit Me One More Time came out?

16. 16. Was she 16? She was 16 in that video with like a schoolgirl outfit, dancing all sexy and shit. Yeah, I've seen that video many times. So they trapped her. Because it was always on MTV. Yeah, it was on MTV all the time. It was on MTV the whole time. And I loved MTV. Yeah, yeah. I didn't like it. I loved MTV. No, but I didn't like the video. Yeah, you didn't love the song. I just saw it from beginning to end. Did you like the song?

Love the song. My loneliness is killing me. Yeah. So I love that. Yeah. So she was trapped in this child world of being exploited. And now she speaks like a child. Listen how crazy. This is not real. This is all real. This is her. That's her Instagram. I want to show you. This is her Instagram. I saw the dancing one. One of the dancing ones. You saw this one, the one where she dances? Yeah. Now, I'm not mocking her, by the way, because I think this is mental illness. And I mean that because...

Look at the house, though. What Kanye's going through is the same thing. He's having a public meltdown, right? Yeah. But, like, I'm not mocking her dancing, but this feels... Okay, here. This feels strange. And your face comes for now, isn't it?

I don't know. It feels strange. It's beautiful. I literally almost cried. What? I think it's great. It just feels... Something feels off. Something feels off. It's the opposite. You don't know freedom, do you? This feels not free. Something feels off to me. What do you mean? I feel like... Show me another one. I don't know. This feels... Okay, here you go. Answering fan questions. And by the way, she won't answer... All the fans are like, what's up with the conservatorship? People are worried about you. Hashtag free Britney. And she won't answer any. But listen...

Also, listen how she sounds like a baby. Listen to this, her baby voice. Hi, guys. So a lot of you have been asking me more questions in the comments, and I'm here to answer all of your questions. So the first main question that you guys have been asking me is what's my favorite Disney movie? My favorite Disney movie is probably Frozen just because I really like the fact that the two sisters, their relationship, and then one goes off and lives in a castle just because she can't deal anymore.

It's like a baby. It's like a child. It's the same thing. It feels like what happened to Michael J. Fox? Yes. No, he got it. That was a shaky disease. Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Oh.

Michael J. Fox, you know what I mean? Yeah. But no, it feels like this. This is the honest truth. Yeah. Is I feel like when you're developing... Yes. In your child development years... Yes. Especially, you know, in your teens, early teens... Mm-hmm. They're just... I feel like those two was... They were just exposed with fame. Exploited. Exploited. They were used. They can't...

That's where you learn development in your mind. So they were trapped. They were trapped. That's why Michael talked like a kid and he would play with kids. They just don't know how to function. So this is another one. Let me show you just this one more. The way she says stuff is just...

Okay, stop for a second. Stop for a second. See the way she's shaking back and forth? Yes. She's on medication.

Hold on, here you go. This?

And then if I had three wishes, what would they be? For love, happiness, and a world supply of designer clothes. That's it. Love. My three wishes. Love, happiness, and a world supply of designer clothes. Yeah. Like, this is strange. Mine's love. Yeah. Happiness. Yeah. And war zone. War zone.

So, I mean, if you, you know what I mean? If you, and Japanese raw denim. You were also an abused, young, trapped, exploited person. Yeah. I just feel something's wrong. It feels strange. It feels like, like this, even this photo.

That's like a scary – that looks scary. Yeah. It looks like I'm like – I'm not okay. But just imagine being here. Yeah. Right? At 16 being – Like the most famous thing on earth. Because I remember in one of the Michael Jackson documentary where he was just kind of like, can I meet her? Like he wanted to meet her. Yeah. And do – so that's how big she was. Yeah. When Michael Jackson wants to meet you –

Either you're a boy. That's it. Or you're a boy. Or he thinks he can make you look like a boy. Or you're super famous. Do you think I can make your girl turn into a boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was that big. She was massive. Massive. But then when she had a breakdown, she publicly had a meltdown. And they put her under this conservatorship.

And they say it's not a big deal. USA Today did an article. New York Times did an article. I mean this is like a known thing. Her family is like this is being blown out of proportion. This isn't true. But you look at a lot of this stuff. It looks like it's a weird, lonely – it's strange. It's like Amanda Pines.

Right, that was mental health too. Right. Like the Kanye thing. Did you watch Kanye with Dave Chappelle on the ranch? No. What? It's the saddest, it's the weirdest. Did you know about this? No. Chappelle went to go see Kanye to go like just see how he's doing because Kanye had that, do you see all the presidential, he did like a, yeah, but did you see like he did like a speech and was like, I almost killed my daughter and he was bawling and no? No, I never saw that. You got to watch all this stuff. But Dave goes to his ranch. It was Kanye.

Trump's senior advisor. But Dave goes out there to check in on him. Flies in, and they're standing there in front of the video, and he's like, Dave, say something funny. And Dave's like, what? What do you mean? He's like, do something funny. We all need happiness right now. Yeah. And it just... I don't know any of this. I was in the desert, so... I know. It's an unfortunately weird video, and it's like...

It's on his Twitter. It's really weird, man. Here we go. All right, Dave, can you please just make us smile? The world needs some, you know, we need some joy. Yeah, we need a smile. Brotherhood is real. Love is real. Wait a second, I'm sitting there smiling, bro. I was trying to think of the voice line. We need some kind of joke, something like, something to lift our spirits. Shit.

Shit, I don't know. I'm still on my first cup of coffee, nigga. All right, let me think of a good joke. DJ, DJ, we need you. Don't stop recording, Joey. We need you, we need you, brother. That's so awkward. So uncomfortable. I know. He's losing his mind. Hey, what's up? What is this? What is going on? They're bringing a new guy. Is it Arsenio? It's not even a photo. It's an uplifting joke. You know.

That's a laugh. And they walk away and he literally goes, all right, man, peace. Like he gets on a plane and he leaves again. Yeah. It was like a photo op. I mean, like to Kanye, Dave was going there to probably genuinely check on him and be like, bro, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm wondering about Kanye. I mean, I don't know the dynamics between Kim and Kanye, but it's obvious to me that he has...

Mental health issues. Mental health issues and that he needs to be on medication. Yeah. I don't know what his diagnosis is. Is it bipolarism? I think he said he was bipolar. Bipolar. He gets his manic episodes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm wondering, I mean, let's say Kalilah had these mental, you know. Yeah. And we were that rich, right? What would you do? I would hire somebody just that you're the pill guy.

You're the guy. Yeah. That's what a conservatorship is. That's what Britney Spears is all about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. I go Tito. Not Tito. Frank. Margo. It would be a woman. Margo, yeah. Margo. Yeah. Margo, she takes the pills in the morning. Yep. At night. And if she doesn't, you have to see it go down her fucking throat. Yeah. And if she doesn't eat that shit, you're fired. And Margo's going to be like, all right. Yeah. And that's her job. And I'll pay her...

$200,000 a year. Just to be the pill girl. I don't give a fuck. That's how important it is. If Kalilah was in the public eye, right, and I'm in the public eye, and it's our job to have a certain –

Image. Yeah. Right? Because Kanye starts going into these mania, and that's when he goes to Trump, where's the Make America, you know, MAGA hats. Well, it's attention seeking. It's, he goes, and then he goes, he went into a fucking, remember he went to an iPhone, a Mac store? Yeah. Walked on, stood on one of those tables. I know. If I stood on a table at a Mac store-

Imagine. Well, everyone would pull out their phone and go, what is Bobby Lee going to do? Right. If they wouldn't know, they'd be like, what's this fat Asian guy? They don't know Bobby Lee. Yeah, they do. They don't know Bobby Lee. Yes, they do. No, they don't. Yes, they do. You walk into the Apple store, they go, Bobby Lee. I have two dudes. Bobby Lee. I'll have two dudes. Okay, if I go to a Mac store. Two Asian nerds going, oh, big Tiger Belly fans, and they just hide in the corner. No. I've had this. Yeah.

Hey, man, you should have had more than one line in the wrong Missy. Because it's true. That's the kind of recognition I get. That's real fans. No. That's real fans. It's not real fans. That's real fans. But, so, like, I would have a fucking, if I was Kim, I would have just a pill guy. Yeah. But this is an issue that's greater than we could ever imagine. Why? Because it goes deep. Like, this is a deep, weird cut. Kanye is...

Kanye is more famous than famous. He is a name that's synonymous with our industry, not just music anymore. So he's a shoog mogul. People that know nothing about him know him. There's layers of that. There's so much to unpack, it's hard. And this is going to be a very difficult thing to say, and people are going to maybe argue with me, but time will tell. For instance, there was a time when Britney Spears...

was Kanye in terms of that kind of fame. No. Britney Spears was super famous. Not like Kanye. Especially because now Kanye married the most famous family in Hollywood. Now he's the roof. But I would have to argue that Britney was up there. You would go to Nigeria

And just go into a village and go, do you know who Britney Spears is? They're like, we have her shirts. Yeah. They would have Britney shirts. So I don't know. Now we're talking, you know. So who's more famous? I don't know. But 15 years from now? Yeah. There might be a moment in life where most people don't know who he is. Yeah. Time will tell. I don't think so. I think he's going to last for a long time. I'm afraid that this is the kind of stuff that Hollywood does and they don't give a shit about it. They did this to this guy.

The system, this weird game. Also, I think marrying into that family is the most toxic shit on earth. I think being a part of that family is what ruined him. 100%. 100%. What a crazy backwards family of people that are billionaires for being popular. Well, I've never really said this. What is their talent? The Kardashians. I'll tell you.

is captivating America with looks and presence. They're able to sell themselves as a whole. I am the look that you want. I do the things that you want to do. They're image sales. But that's a talent. They sell images. Okay. Obviously, it is talented because it worked. Because there was... It's not a talent like your stand-up comic talent. I'm not saying...

I'm not – it has nothing to do with me. I'm just asking a question. Yeah, no, no. Because I – one day – this is what happens. You wake up. I remember one time – this is a long time ago, maybe 15 years ago. Yeah. Where I was – I went to this AA meeting that's in Cedar, which is in Beverly Hills. Yeah, the hospital. Yeah. But next to it is like Rodeo and all that stuff, right? And I was getting – when you go to Cedar-Sanai, the hospital –

This Amy's on a Sunday. If you walk two blocks on Robertson, there's a fucking Starbucks there. I know it. So I would go to that Starbucks. And one time I saw these three girls walking down and then paparazzi taking photos. Yeah.

And then I remember going to another A guy going, what the fuck? Who are they? Oh, those are the Kardashians. You don't know them? At that time, I'd never heard of them. Yeah. And then over the years, you just kind of go, you hear the name, and then you see the billboards. Yeah. And then you turn on the TV, and they're the center of the universe almost. Yeah. But still, the whole time you're asking- What do they do? What-

How do I see their talent? It's not... For me to become a fan. It's not a tangible talent. It's not like something... It's so weird. I know. Look, I spent time hating it years ago, being like, ugh, gross. And now I just go, no. That's... No. That's a talent. They're selling something that people are buying. So who's to blame? That's true. If I had that, I would do it. I just don't have it. If you could just sell being Bobby as a look and be a billionaire... If I could just stand...

You know, Rodeo Drive. Scree, scree, scree, scree, scree, scree, scree, scree. Bobby over here. Bobby over here. Scree, scree, scree. Bobby, Bobby, right here. Scree, scree, scree, scree. And then they sell, like, I'll do some hand thing like this, right? And they'll sell, like, photos and then maybe moldings of the hand. You know what I mean? Yeah. And this is a thing? If anybody on Earth could sell themselves just as who they are. Yeah. I guess that is a talent. And make a billion dollars doing it. Or is it less?

No. The mother is the great puppeteer. She's the master manipulator. She's the one. She's the wizard. She's the wizard. She's the Armenian wizard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll sell my daughters to Playboy. I mean, that was the whole thing is they sold her sex tape, and then she got famous after the sex tape, and then the sisters got famous because they transformed on camera into like these – then they were the ones that started doing the butt implants and all that. That became like a thing because they were part of this. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. It's just –

Because there's no way to like – what sucks about that is there's no road to that.

Like for instance, if you want to become – you can be a kid and go, I want to be in a cool fucking band. So then you just – you're in your garage. Playing riffing guitar all night. And you're just practicing all night long, right? And you get other people to do it, and you experiment with sounds, right? And you just – hard work. You're on tour. And that's a path, right? As a stand-up, we have a path. As an actor, there's always a path. But with them, it's like –

be known yeah and how do you you just stand in the mirror well now kids want to be social influencers that's what it is oh I just found out about that social influence you're an influence you get paid to be a person a month ago I didn't really know what an influencer was well you're an influencer you know what you're really you know today I've been trying no you're an influencer I've been trying with you dude but you're really trying to fucking get at me I'm saying people like what you do so that I'm not an influencer you're an influencer influencing people to do what nothing yep

I influence people to do nothing. No, you influence people to love your hairstyle? That there's a bunch of kids online that are doing your hairstyle now? What are you, out of your mind? There's a ton of kids. There's little Korean kids that are doing your hair. Oh, so they're probably your influencer there. Maybe. Yeah, kids are fucking going to cats and taking off cat hair and just putting on their eyebrows.

That's what they're doing. Yeah, gluing in the eyebrows and they're looking in the mirror. You have a tangible – Putting fucking real weird freckles. Little poop marks? Yeah, yeah, poop marks, right? And then also doing this, like, how do I become like that? I want to be angry like him. Arr!

Fuck you. You know what I mean? They're doing that. You're influenced people as well. Look, you have a tangible talent. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. All right. Fine. Extremely funny. It's hard for, it's hard for people to understand what their talent is and that's fine. People don't like them. My point is it's pretty brilliant that it worked. Okay. Pretty brilliant that it worked. I get what you're saying. Here's all right. So let's just get into it. All right. You know, when I, cause I'm sometimes I ask myself, um,

Like, what is my talent? You're a fucking comedian. No, but listen, when I'm doing this, like right now, right, what I have to remind myself is just be yourself. It doesn't matter. Because, you know, you can't in podcasting. I know people listen to my shit and they go, yeah, he doesn't really know much or, you know, he says words wrong. But that's just me just saying, fuck it. I don't care. No filter. You don't say words wrong.

I don't know how to pronounce certain words, but I guess the Kardashians are just being themselves. Or what they want to – or what they – Maybe that's – no, I think that that's essentially who they are. Maybe. Their father was a huge lawyer, so they come from money. And he repped probably the – O.J. Simpson. Yeah. Right? Didn't he rep O.J. Simpson? O.J. amongst many other huge cases. Yeah, many other huge cases. And the O.J. thing –

Crazy. He was innocent. Yeah, he never did anything. He never did anything wrong. He's just a nice, sweet dude. He played football. Is he in prison for a Heisman Trophy? That's probably what they got him for. Being too good. Yeah, he didn't do it. Do you think OJ killed his wife, Rude? I don't know about that. I know. Wait, wait. She doesn't know who OJ is. Get closer to the mic.

Do you know who OJ Simpson is? No. Wow. You never heard of OJ Simpson at all? Can I see his face? No. No, no, no. You can't see his face. No, that's going to... Then you're just going to make it up. Okay, OJ Simpson, let me ask you this. Just based on the name, you think he's a white guy? Black. Oh, wow. Why is that? Why is that? I don't know. Is that OJ? OJ. What do you think OJ stands for? I don't know. Orange juice. No. No.

Do you know what OJ stands for? Orenthal. Orenthal James. Yeah, Orenthal James. Now, if I told you Orenthal James Simpson, does that sound like a black guy or a white guy? A white guy. Yeah, that's right. We should have said Orenthal James. What do you think he did? You just said that he killed his wife. No, he did not. He did not kill his wife. It's hearsay and it's fucking...

All right, let's see. How about... All right. You're 18. You're 18. So how about this? 9-11. Yeah, I know. But you know, but you weren't here. No. That's crazy. Let me ask you about this. You know who Rodney King is? No, that was the 90s. Wow. It doesn't matter. It's like, I know who Rosa Parks is. I don't. That happened in the 50s. Who's Rosa Parks? Is that our landlord? No. Is that the old Puerto Rican woman that's our landlord? She invented the triangle, the musical. Oh, the triangle. The triangle. Ding.

Yeah, she invented that. Nice. No, so you don't know who that is. So what else is another big thing? Well, I'm trying to think of something. Obviously, Oliver North. No, that's probably. You know who Martin Luther King was. Yeah. I mean, there's names that she'll obviously just recognize. Historical names that are. Where were you when JFK got shot? Do you know who JFK was? Yeah, but I was on my dad. I was in my dad's testicles. Testicles. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of the way. What? Come on. What? What are you? No. No.

What are you doing? Are you crazy? John, John, stop. They can't touch me. Something happened back there. It was a miracle. There's no other. You hear me? Time's up, old man. It's the end of the line. We can take these guys. Yup, we can take them. Gun. You really are the Shanghai kid. Nice riding with you, partner.

I know a female comic. Yeah. So she was playing at a club, the San Jose Improv. Love. I love that room. Great room. And when she showed up at the club, very popular comic, she goes, where's the gum? She has a rider. Yeah. She has a list of 10 things that if that's not in the room, she's going to lose her mind. She goes, where's the Japanese gum? The club goes, the Japanese gum you asked for, they don't sell it in San Jose.

And we didn't have time to go to San Francisco to get it. She's like, well, I'm not doing the show. Really? Swear to God. Because you needed the gum to do your comedy bit? That's not me. No, I'm saying that out loud. I know, but I'm just telling you this is what happened. I know, and I'm just saying it to the universe. Right.

And so they go, please do the show. It's so loud. In my writer, it says I need the gum. Yeah. Right? In my writer, it says I'm an asshole. No. Yeah, I'm an asshole. No. You're not getting the point of it. No, the point is you do stand-up comedy and you don't need gum to do it. Let me finish the story. You fucking brat. Let me finish the story. You fucking brat. All right. Go ahead. So they go, okay, if you do the show tonight, right? Mm-hmm.

If you do the show today, we'll get the – so the next – she does a show. They had this fucking guy, kid. Drive to San Francisco. Drive to San Francisco. And it's one of the rarest Japanese gum you could ever find. He went to like 30 different places, and he finally found it. Sure. It was a six-pack. It was the last one they had. He took him eight hours. He sticks it in the green room.

Monday when they're cleaning out the green room, she didn't even touch it. Yeah, that's so fucking rude and disrespectful to the guy that had to go get it. The moral of the story is get the gum. Get the gum. Fuck that. Yeah. Get the gum? That's the moral? Yeah. Let me tell you. In fact, when I went there a month afterwards, I went to the green room because my rider had zero on it. Nothing? No. Good. All I need, I don't even need the green room. I need a bottle of water and just have like the mic working.

Yeah. Right. We're comedians. Yeah, so that's what my writer is. So the man was like, oh, man, last month. Tells me the story. And I looked him right in the eye and I said, she got the gum, huh? She got the gum. I go, no, when before she got there. She's got the gum before she got there, huh? He's like, yeah. No. Yeah. I disagree wholeheartedly. Fine. If what you're asking for...

If what you're asking for has nothing to do with your performance, that idea of babying people has to go away. No, but my point wasn't just that. I think what she did was ludicrous and insane. Yeah. But their reaction, right, could have been different. No. They could have laughed it off.

That's just the way it is. What they should have said was, we're not going to go get you your gum. Some things will never change. Because you don't deserve it. It's just the way it is. Because you're not even that good of a comedian. She sells more tickets than I do. Doesn't matter. She sells more tickets than I do. How about this? If I was a club manager, you're the person. Ask me about the gum. Hey, how is everything? Are you ready for the big show tonight? We're excited that you're here.

Oh, I'm playing her? Yeah. I'm not really that excited because... Oh my god, is something wrong? What happened? Yeah, yeah, I have a writer.

Yes, and we got everything that you had on your rider. There is the pH-balanced bottle of water that you asked for. Over there is Laffy Taffy's. We know you love Laffy Taffy's, and we only got you banana because you're a big banana girl. You're a banana girl. Yeah, it's funny because you laughed that off, but on the rider, it does say banana, so that's why you got it. Yeah, we know you're a banana girl. No, it's not you know that I am. It's on the fucking rider. Right on. Dib shit. Okay, we know now. And if you want a job...

And I lose the attitude. Oh, there is no attitude. Because I make so much money. We also got you nitrate-free ham that you asked for. No, I'm talking. Stop. Don't talk to me like a child. What?

Really? I'll call Robert Hartman. Call him. And you will be fired. Call him! See? You wouldn't be a good manager. No. You wouldn't be a good manager. No, because I don't couch all the assholes. I'm just saying that this is what she would do. Okay, so here we keep going. So we got you everything that was on your rider. Except for where's the Japanese gum? What Japanese gum? Was there Japanese gum on the rider? Look at the rider. Okay, let me look real quick.

We got that. It's the 10th thing. It's the 10th thing. It's the 10th thing. Yeah. Dang, we must not have got it. Can we get you other kinds of gum that might be sufficient? No, I'm not doing the show because I want the gum. Oh, wow. You won't do the show just because of the gum? Yeah, and guess what? Hmm?

I'll play all the other imprompts. There are no consequences. Right. Because I make you guys so fucking much money. And this attitude is what needs to change. No. Let's get in the scene. Stay in the scene. Stay in the scene. Stay in the scene. I think you're super disrespectful. Yeah? I think that's really rude. How about this as disrespectful? I could call...

all the powers that be Judy Brown all the people I can right who have anything to do with Levity Live or the improv and you'll not work here again let me okay and that's fine because I'm a nice person and I only ask

for 10 things. You're not a nice person. I just only asked for 10 things. You're not a nice person because we didn't get you gum and now you're throwing a fit about not going on stage because you're a fucking baby. Now act like a fucking adult. Now act like a fucking adult and go do your goddamn bullshit comedy bit that isn't that fucking funny because you'll burn out in fucking 10 years. Your dog shit as a comic. I've seen 30,000 of you pieces of shit come and go. This thing doesn't last. You mean nothing. Go do your jokes, bitch, or go back to L.A. Fuck off!

That's what I would do. Wow. That really got to you. No, but that's the kind of, that's what needs, that's what people like that need to hear. You're not important, bitch. You mean nothing. You will go away. Your comedy thing that you think is so important is fleeting, bitch. You're a fleeting thing. They all quit. They all die. You go away. Your little fucking gum that has nothing to do with your bad act is worthless and meaningless like you. So shut the

Fuck up. Go do your jokes. Take your money and go back to your fucking house and fuck off. That's what I would say. Wow. And if a comedy club and if a comedy club got you and if comedy club had that kind of owner and manager, I would respect the fuck out of them because anyone close in two weeks. No, no, it wouldn't. Because top top owners, they know how to treat talent well without being disrespected.

Wendy at Comedy Works would never put up with you treating her staff like shit. Never. If you fucked with her, she'd go, bitch, you're out. You'll never come back. You treat someone and their staff like shit? Bye, bitch. You don't come back to my club. Because every other comic who does treat people well will keep coming back and will do fine without you. This little girl that you're talking about who means nothing in the grand scheme of things, there's thousands of other better comics. Bye. You don't come back to my club.

Bye. I love it. I got to you, didn't I? Yeah.

Didn't I get you? I got you there. That's how I feel. I know. That's how I feel about that. And that's all I wanted to do with that story. Was piss me off. Is to get you there. I don't like people that do shit like that. I know. I do fucking arenas with Joe Rogan. I've never, ever, once seen him complain about what's in the fucking green room. Never. Guess what? When we show up, he's had the same rider for 20 fucking years. He doesn't even care what's in there. They'll go, Joe, we got you the deli meat.

and the Sam Adams. Can I get you guys anything else? And he'll go, no, man, we're good. We usually don't even fucking touch the shit. It usually gets untouched unless someone comes in after the show and goes, hey, can I grab a Red Bull or can I have a whatever? And he goes, yeah, yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I did a show. Real comics don't care. I know, I did a show once. It was a theater show. I can't tell you who was involved, but they wouldn't let me in the green room.

There's too many people. The headliner wouldn't let – No, it was six – it was one of those shows where it was six comics and stuff. Oh, right. And it was just so many people, and I just hung out just outside in this alleyway on a stool smoking a cigarette. They wouldn't let you in because – No, they would, but it was so many people. It was so congested. And I remember coming out going – somebody that worked for the theater goes, can I find you another – I'm fine back here. But didn't it bother you? No.

That didn't bother you to know that you couldn't be there with your peers? That's disrespectful. Bro, I have a story that I can't. Say it. I know, but I can't. I don't want to get this person in trouble. Say it. This is going to drive you crazy maybe. Yeah, well, I want to hear it. There's a kid that opened for me, and he goes, and they're doing a documentary about his life. Yeah. So I was playing the Ontario Improv. Mm-hmm.

And... Gosh, that burp. Woof. Yeah. Comes through clear. It's nice. So he comes to the Ontario Improv and he goes... He brings in a crew of five or six people. What do you mean? Friends? No, they're shooting a documentary about him. Oh, okay. So he's sitting in the green room and then they all order from the restaurant.

They're all eating in there. Yeah, the server comes in. They go, can I get you guys anything? And they're all drinking drinks. They're shooting. Sure. And I walked in there. I was just like, what's up, man? He's just shooting, man. Okay. Can you? And then he goes, hey, man, we're shooting. Can you close the door? And he's opening for you. Yeah. I go, okay. And I close the door, and I just sat in the hallway in the back.

It's your green room. I know. Why wouldn't you say, you guys just can't shoot in here? Did they ask you or talk to you about it? And then I remember at the end of the night, the manager was like, dude, they spent like $1,800 worth of fucking drinks. I could just take it out of my thing. You paid for that? Yeah. Bob. Yeah. That's not okay. Well, he was dying. But he's not dead, is he? No. So you should send him a bill. I know.

That is not okay. I know, but he was dying. Apparently, from what I heard, that's why I did it. I go, he's dying. Yeah, but people need to know that that stuff's not okay. And I want to go to him now and go, hey, man, I thought you were supposed to be dead. You know, he's like, no, I hasn't. You were supposed to die. You were supposed to fucking die, man. Well, if you don't die, I'm going to want $1,800 back. Yeah, just the people's, you know. God, you got me with that story.

You got me. I did? It just gets me amped up about people who have attitudes in this business for no reason. Oh, well, you know what's worse is Eddie Griffin's thing. You know, his. No. Eddie Griffin has a thing is every show, you need to give me number size 11 Nike shoes, brand new, before every show. Why? That's just in his rider. They buy him shoes? Yeah. But then what happened was when he's – this is when he was at his height.

And over the years, he would do the road and people would get from. And then one day, some club owner said, nah. Yeah, that's correct. We're not doing that. Yeah, because the shoes don't have anything to do with anything. He's like, yeah, man, but it's my ride. And they're like, hey, you're not drawing. Yeah. You know. You didn't sell out the room. Yeah. So and also it's ridiculous. So apparently now he gets only one pair for the whole weekend. Yeah.

That's so stupid. I know. See, the nerve of people to think they can ask for it. And the problem is, if he did something great, if behind the scenes we found out he gave those shoes away to people in need, I would fucking love it. Right. But that's not the case. Yeah. He just wants to take advantage of it, the system. Steve McQueen, he would ask... Are you sleeping? No, I'm so tired, dude. Go ahead. Be real. I'm listening. Steve McQueen would ask for the wardrobes in every movie he ever did.

Okay? People would say, well, why do you want all the clothes? And they used to make fun of him because he would take men's clothes, women's clothes, and they're like, what's his deal? Like, that's weird. They would label it as strange. Steve McQueen was an orphan, and little do those people know, Steve McQueen would take all those clothes that he would end up getting from wardrobe if they said yes, and he would go to orphanages and donate the clothes to make sure that those kids had new clothes, more particularly Hollywood clothes from a guy that they admired. Really? So—

He's an adult. Yeah. And he wears... He's a lawyer in a movie. It's not just his clothes. And he wears a fucking lawyer suit on. A lawyer suit. And he goes to the fucking orphanage and goes, here's a full-grown men's fucking business suit. Steve McQueen was 5'2", 100 pounds. Yeah.

He was the average size of a 14-year-old boy. Why do you make up stories? That's a true story. Steve McQueen used to go to— He does a period piece. You know what I mean? Here's a medieval armor. Yeah. Yeah. Wear that. You don't think a kid at the orphanage wants to walk around in chain-link armor? Get your shit together, man.

Get my shit together? I'm just trying to provoke you. You're trying to piss me the fuck off. I'm getting there. You already did. The story already got me. Yeah, I'm getting you there. I love it. You're battling me. I know. Can we say rest in peace to Regis Feldman? Who's that? Regis died. Regis Feldman died. Regis... Regis, Kelly Lee, Regis, really? Regis from the morning show. He's like a newscaster? I don't know about newscasters. Regis? Do you know who Regis is? No. Regis Feldman? No.

Regis Philbin? He died. You know Regis? You've never seen this guy, Bob? You've never seen Regis Philbin? He did the morning show or whatever? I don't know a lot of newscasters. I know who, um... It says he's the hardest working man in show business. Wolf Blitzer. He holds the Guinness World Record for most hours on US television. I don't know him. I know Wolf Blitzer. Holds the Guinness World Record for most hours on US fucking television. You'd never heard of this guy? Regis Philbin? Regis and Kelly Lee?

I'm losing my shit. You know who he is. I really don't know who he is. Why are you trying to shame me? Wait, no. You have to. Is he in a movie? I watch movies. No, he's like on TV every day. If he died, I'm sorry. It's not your fault. You didn't do it. God bless you. Him. Him, I mean. Was he good, though? He was so lovable. Oh.

Jimmy Kimmel put up a picture on his Instagram of him kissing on the mouth. It was really funny. Don't know him. Jimmy Kimmel, you know. I know who Regis Philbin is. Son of a bitch. I knew you knew. I know, but that was fun, though. Rest in peace. Rest in peace, dude. I love you, man. I really am. That's so sad. When we were on the trip, right, I turned to, she doesn't remember, but I turned to Kalilah and go, oh, Regis Philbin just died. So sad. But he was 88. I'm about to turn 89 next month. Gun down in his prime.

Yeah. It was a shootout. That's how he died. No, he didn't. Yeah, no, seriously. It was a gun shootout. You don't know that? He died in a shootout. He didn't. Yes, he did, Bob. I read. He did. I fucking read it. If it was a gun shootout. What? It would be all over the news. What? Thank you for being a bad friend. Who are these two idiots? Asians. From the background.