Bobby's Bank Heist
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Hey, y'all. You know what, guys? New York. New York. Here we come. Wait, that's such a good New York accent. New York. New York. New York. We're doing the Grand Mercy Theater stand-up. We're going to do some stand-up, and we're going to do a little bit of like a duo potty kind of a thing. A little fun live thing for you guys. September 8th. September 8th. Buy your tickets right now because they're going to sell out quickly. And if it sells out, we might add another show. A second show. We don't know. We might not. Let's just see how the first show goes.

but probably a second show. Maybe. Click on the link in the description below. The tickets go on sale at noon Pacific time, 3 p.m. East Coast. Today, they go on sale. So I know the episode's already out, but at noon on the West Coast, at 3 p.m. on the East Coast, buy those tickets now. Also, Bob, I'm shooting my special.

24th. 24th. 24th. In Denver. And I'm warming up, so come see me. Salt Lake City, Brea, Minneapolis, Madison, and then Denver, September 24th. I'm shooting my special. Finally, go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. andrewsantino.com for those tickets. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

- Well, you two are something. - We're bad friends. - Welcome back to "Bad Friends." Boy, oh boy, do we have a good one for you today because Fancy is gone. He's in España. - I didn't even notice. - We deported him. He's gone. - I literally didn't notice. - Well, because he's worthless on this show. - Well, we have Mr. Worthless.

Who? Behind everyone else. He who shall not be named. Captain Worthless. Captain Worthless. George Kimmel. Captain Worthless. I'm here to almost do nothing. In fact, when he walked in there, I go, what are you doing here? That's what I said. I heard it from the parking lot. What are you doing here? And you know what he said? What? Oh, God.

Just hanging out. Just hanging out. He swallows air, this guy. I got a gift for old Rudy. Yeah. Look at how sick this thing is. Yeah. It's from our friends at Bespoke gave us this. This will really kill somebody. So please be careful. Okay? Okay.

I don't have my other knives. Well, we took your knives away because Doc shakes the chairs and we're afraid it's going to fall on his head. And that's specifically to kill other Filipinos. No white people. Okay? It says it on the little thing. Does it? Oh, yeah. It says no whites. It's specifically... What about other Asians? No, only Filipinos. Only Filipinos. Yeah. For the time being. That could change. This is cool. Unwrap it and see how sharp it is. Do something cool with it. Don't get it too close to that chair. It'll pop.

Isn't that sick, huh? Yeah. Yeah, say thanks we spoke. We also have next to Rudy our very good friend who now we can no longer call by her other moniker. Her name is now JJ, just Jetski Johnson. Well, no, no, no. We should come up with a nickname because she complained about it. We know what's going on with the juice juice. I like the name and then it dawned on me how sexual it could be taken. But it's not if you don't, unless you make it sexual, it's not sexual. Is an orange sexual?

Yeah. Depends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, okay, what else is juicy? I like juicy. Yes. Juicy reminds me of Harry Styles. Harry Styles is juicy. Uh-huh. Which you think is very sexy. That's right. She doesn't want the connection between sexy and juicy. Remember those pants? Mm-hmm. Juicy. Yeah, juicy on the butt. Juicy pants. Yeah, the juicy sweatpants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that wasn't sexual.

Although it was creepy, like little kids would wear those. And I was like, what parent is letting their nine-year-old wear juicy on their ass? No, you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy sweatpants. In fact, only black women and Brazilian women should wear that over the age of 18. White girls have butts now.

Don't overdo this again. What you did last night. What did I do? Hey ladies, if you're single, this guy's available. I'm not available. I'm not ready. I never said that. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. I'm not available. I'm not ready. Yes, I did. I know you did. To the whole crowd. And also, by the way, no one came up to me afterwards either. That hurt my feelings. Not one person. No one came to you. I hung out, ask anyone. I hung out till two just to see not one person.

No one, they go, I'm available. You know why? Because they thought I was joking around. See, they thought I was kidding, but I wasn't kidding. Girls, if you're listening out there, if you come to a Bobby Lee live show, please wait until after the show. He will be there. He will come talk to you. He is interested. He is available. He's very single. I'm not interested. I saw Bobby give a tour.

to two really attractive ladies and I asked him about it and he just jumped down my throat. He's like, I'm just giving a tour. Okay, can I say something? Let me say something, okay? I give tours all the time to not just ladies, to men as well. Oh, God. Because people love the comedy store. They go, this is a historic guy. I go, I know all the nukes and crannies. It sounds so creepy. Yeah, yeah. What nukes do you take them to?

Well, I know the history of each room. I take them to a room and I go, this is why this room is here. You take them to the old stairwell by Mitzi's office? Yeah. When the door was broken, I used to get people in there, like guests when I'd have friends come from out of town, I would sneak them up to Mitzi's office and break into Mitzi's office. And it's still the same. I mean, I don't know what it is now, but 10 years ago, it had been untouched. I ate a girl's vagina on those stairs. Is that part of the tour? That's not part of the tour. That's one of the cranks.

Years ago. When I was like 30. You went down on a girl in the stairwell? In the upstairs stairwell. Was that black stair up to Mitzi's office between the belly room, black stairs to that stair? They're all black. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And I ate one's vagina. You made her sit down, lay down on the stairs? In the middle of the stairs. I spread them open like this and I...

Were you on the top of the stairs or the bottom of the stairs? I go top. I go down. Yeah. Yeah. So the blood, because the blood flows, you know, made better. Okay. Anyway. She slides down her head backwards while you're eating her. Good for you. And then in the green room of the belly room, I've gotten maybe two blowjobs. Maybe two. Two completion?

No. Never completed. I can't because there's always people there. Can you complete it? There's a show going on. Wait a minute. You would close the door, get a Hummer, and then not come and then be like, oh, let's go hang out. Someone's coming. Someone's coming. Someone's coming. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. All right, Juice. Well, we're not going to call you Juice anymore because I guess you made it sexual. So what do you want us to call you? Jetski, but you guys, another nickname could emerge. But Jetski is what you brought. That was already your name. This is why I never speak my mind.

Maybe because you have Bono glasses. Maybe something about Bono. It doesn't have to happen right now. No, it does. No, it's going to happen right now. Okay? It's going to happen right now. I see those socks that you're wearing. That's very cool. Do you know what that is, Bobby? Yeah. What's the painting called? I don't...

Oh, that's from, it's a Van Gogh painting. No, that's not Van Gogh. It's the screaming man. You're just screaming. The screaming. The screaming. The scream. The scream. Yeah, that's it. Okay. Yeah. Those are pretty tight. The scream. My sister got me these. Your sister's cool. Yeah. That's very cool. Well,

You know what you remind me of? I told her, what'd you say? What did I say last night? Diane Keaton. She reminds me of her personality, like Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. I think you said that on the show before. Did I? Didn't he say something like that? She has that like, kind of like, um,

Yeah, you did. It's like a quirkiness about her. You kind of do have that. Yeah, yeah. I like that movie. I'm sure my personality was inspired. Dude, I love her. I just love that movie. Yeah. You know what I mean? You killed it last night. I had a good set. So in the middle of my set, there was like a little of a bump. Yeah, you did stop for some reason. Because you know what I thought? Huh? It's always this. I think Andrew did better than me. Oh, shut up. No, really, I did.

Because there was a level of laugh. I'm like, that wasn't that. Nobody cares. Yeah. And then afterwards, last night, two things happened. Number one, a guy came up to me, bad friends fan. Okay. And he goes, I just have to admit, I think Andrew's a funnier stand-up. Shut the fuck up. That's what he says. This is bullshit. Right to my face. And then another thing happened. Okay. A drunk guy goes, hey,

I used to watch you on Mad TV. I just never thought you were funny. No. Yeah, and you walked away. Bobby, no way. So two things. You tell me if I'm working, I'll kick him out. I know, thank you. And then three, no one came up to me and went, I'm single and you're single. So that was a pretty bad night for me. But let me tell you something. I'm going to change that. And I'm saying it now to the fans. If you come to a show, I'm going to keep pushing this agenda. If you're coming to the show on... I don't need anyone's help. I got it. I don't know. First of all, I'm not going to date in a year. I'm going to wait a year.

You could hook up with someone before. No, I don't want to hook up a year. You don't touch anyone for a year? No, no, no. I need alone time. Are you going to figure out who I am again? Are you going to be open for all kinds of people? What do you mean? I feel like this is a trap. No. Yeah. No, I'm saying are you open for all kinds of people? Ask me some questions. Maybe I will. Are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and sexual orientations?

Okay, if they have a penis and a vagina, maybe. Yeah, they have to have both. Like a combination vibe. You don't want just a penis? No. I mean, like I've said, if there was a vagina and there was a penis off the side, I might do a couple of sucks. What if they had a penis? You would. Just out of like... What if they had a penis, but their butthole looked like a vagina? Oh, that's interesting. But they'd still poo out of the butthole? That's right. Same thing out of a vagina. The flavor's different, though.

We have a vagina poop too, don't we? Unless someone has Crohn's disease. But let me tell you something. Carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief, accepting the unacceptable. Oh, you think I am? You think I'm going through grief? It can look like avoidance, procrastination, forgetting, easily distracted, mindless behavior. Yeah, I'm all those. Well, then you've, yeah, this has been your whole life.

No, but more so now, though. That's just step one. Then there's anger. He's on two. Yeah, I've been sitting on two for years. Frustration, cynicism, sarcasm, irritability. Holy fuck. Increased alcohol or drug use. This is like my dating profile. Bargaining? The bargaining I don't do. Yeah, you do. What's the bargaining mean? Well, look at the second one.

look at carlos is highlighting ruminating on the future of the past oh yeah i just did that look at the second one look at the second one overthinking and worrying yeah that's me being third one comparing self to others you just did it on the show i just did it thinking saying i should have or if only you don't i don't know you don't if you do that too much i do judgment towards self and others big time perfectionism oh i'm a bargainer huh you're on video games yeah oh that's right yeah depression you don't have depression

You don't think so? I don't think so. No. I have it. I get bummed. Yeah, you do. I have clinical depression. I don't think you have depression, but I do think you have bargaining. Yeah.

I do have bargaining for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When are we going to get to acceptance though, Carlos? We'll get down there soon. Yeah, a year. Mindful behaviors? Fuck. Fuck, I don't even know what that means. Engaging with reality as it is? No way. That's insane. That's insanity. This is how it is right now? You'll never say that phrase. No, I'm in a different land right now. Being present in the moment? You're not even here right now. Yeah. You're already back at home. I'm in...

I'm when I was four years old right now. Yeah, you're in Minnesota, dude, playing in that fucking backyard with that little Tonka truck I used to have. All right. I'm stuck in my mind on this. I do think we're going to get you someone before a year. No, I just. Well, how do you feel about Jules? Is it weird? I don't really care, but I feel like you're going to find someone. A year's a long time. Yeah. A year's a long time. Why do you have a sweaty mustache right now?

I don't know. It's hot. I'm sweating. It is hot. You have a full-blown sweaty mustache. That's bargaining. That's bargaining. Am I bargaining right now? That's bargaining. Come on, dude. You're judging others. Do you think I do that to you? Use that axe. To what? To shave your little mustache. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. There it is. Yeah, there it is. Good.

You feel better? It doesn't help. It doesn't help. We got to get a better axe. Yeah. I got an axe to grind. I'm still stuck on this juicy thing. I'm kind of bummed. Well, maybe I'm wrong. Because we didn't say it sexually. No. But now you're making it seem like it. Now in my head. Are guys hitting on you? A direct message? Be honest. No, but... Oh, yes, yes. Like, what are they doing? Not dick pics? Well, I get so many in the other box and I can't engage...

Whoa, someone's famous. Other in the other box. How many requests do you have right now?

Don't know whoa I look at them, but I feel like I'm afraid to engage in them because then where do I stop 30,000 followers Wow, what did you have before you started the show 13? Let's keep it going go to jet ski Johnson go ahead and follow jet ski Johnson and in data with messages Yeah, yeah, so what do you guys do do you respond to everybody in your fucking I know you guys have way more than dudes never I

I've never opened up a dude like request. I only respond to dudes. You do? Are you getting some titties? Yeah. You're getting some titties? Yeah, yeah. Do you respond? No. No, no, no. I'll just like look at it and go. Yeah. Do you screenshot it? No. Don't lie. I don't. Okay. Why, what? You can? I thought you could. You can screenshot it? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I bet you can. No, I don't want to. You can screenshot your whole phone. Is it illegal to have a screenshot photo on Instagram? Yeah.

Oh, copyright infringement. Do women have copyrights on their tits? That's kind of the future, isn't it? But I'm getting a lot of like, can I fuck Kalilah? Which is so fucking terrible. Oh my God, they ask you that? Yeah, terrible. Wait a minute though. Can I fuck Kalilah? But they say like, can you join? Are you involved? No, they just like, I'm her pimp. It's so rude. That's kind of cool though. Why? That's kind of cool being her pimp. Yeah, yeah. I don't respond to those. It's guys saying, can I fuck Kalilah? Yeah. Any girls?

No. Oh, no. Have you had a girl ask for a threesome with you guys? I didn't even know that was a possibility. I mean, it's a thing. Oh, I saw. I like, I like. Some people like that. Yeah. There's a whole website for that. Yeah, but I don't want to like, that'd be weird like being in a room and then a girl's eating her vagina better than I did.

Right? Why is that weird? Because you're a perfectionist. I'm a perfectionist. You're bargaining. Yeah, I'll be bargaining. I'll be like, hey, ease up on that European shit you're doing right now. Right. You know what I mean? Tongue tornado. Yeah. Yeah. Twister. I just have a fat tongue. I can't do it that fast. Let me see how fast you can move your tongue.

Yeah, it's like a sloth. Like a turtle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like you're eating pudding. Dude, if I went to New Guinea and I ate sloth pussy, they would be like, oh, yeah. They'd be, you know what I mean? They'd be, oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's the only person that wrote it. The sloth would be like, slow down. Oh, wow.

You know sloth bears? I read sloth bears kill more people than any other kind of bear on earth. No. Have you seen what a sloth bear looks like? No, no, no. Look at how fucking creepy and weird these things look. These things kill the most people. Whoa.

Whoa. They just look like shaggy bears. Just like fucked up. Look at the faces, dude. They look chromosomally off. Yeah. They look like they're, you know, handicapped bears. Yeah. But they murder the most people, statistically. And I saw this thing on TikTok. Tony Hinchcliffe was a bear that's like... Honestly, that would be the right...

Right? Be honest. That's Tony Hinchcliffe? Yeah, yeah. If Tony Hinchcliffe was a bear, that would be like in that area. What kind of bear would you be if you were a bear? A panda. A panda, for sure. That's too easy. Oh, well, the koala. Yeah, that's... Yeah, exactly. Koala, baby. Who would I be? You'd be polar. Polar, for sure. Yeah, yeah. What would she be? Tarsier. Tarsier. What? Those big eyes. They're small and big eyes. You think you have big eyes? Yeah. Yeah, there she is. Tarsier.

Oh, that's you. Yeah, that's her for sure. What about Jetski? What is JJ? What's the juiciest kind? Look up what's the juiciest bear. Winnie the Pooh?

There we go. That's her. Juicy bear. That's you. No, do that dancing bear. I've seen that. What is that cartoon? What's that from? That's definitely her. Her personality, everything. Huh? What is it? Oh, I thought that was the Charmin bear. Oh, is that? Ooh. That's what you're turning me into. Yeah. This is what we're trying to sell you as. Sex sells on the show, man. Big time. Dude, if bears look like that, that'd be cool.

Then I would go camping more often. I think in the gay community they do. Yeah. With the abs like that and they drink beer. That'd be cool. They could talk.

Yeah, I mean, let's hang out. Yeah. Hey. And see, that's the reality of it. That's what a bear looks like. Oh, that's a gay bear. Juicy bear, yeah. What'd you say? That's a big gay bear? No, his name is Juicy Bear. Oh. Oh. Let's hit him up. Let's get him on the show. He won't be mad if we sexualize him. I'm not mad. No, I'm teasing. I'm starting to get mad. Well, here's what we can do. You know what we can do with the fans? How about this? Fans...

Email us or how do they do it? They usually email us. Email us like suggestions. We'll have a contest. You want to have a name contest? Yeah, throw out some names for Jets game. Yeah, but once the name is affirmed, that's life.

You have to get a tattoo. We're not changing it. You have to get a tattoo. I don't have any tattoos. Well, this will be your first. All right. Will you guys all get it too? Our names on you, yeah. Yeah. Dude, you should have bad friends on your body, man. Do you guys have it? Yep. Yep. Let me see. Mine's on my butt. Mine's on my asshole. Let's see it. I don't believe you. Hey, don't sexualize us, juicy. Yeah. We talked about getting bad friends tats. We should. Okay. If we got them together, would you do it? You don't think you're a part of it yet?

The family? Maybe six episodes. All of them. Permanently. How about this? Let's get her to 100,000 followers and then we'll do it. And then I'll tattoo your name. 100,000 followers? Yeah. You would? That's pretty tight. That feels so like selling out. But I'm there for it. She's down, dude. I think I do want to get a bad friends tattoo. I do too. I think we should. Would you get one?

Can I just get a knife instead of bad friends? Oh cool, thanks for being a part of it. Yeah, fine. Fucking asshole. Fucking little shitbag dude. It's been three years of this fucking bullshit. I know. What else? Bad friends is so cringe! You know what's so cringe? Okay, just hear me out. She's gonna learn. I'll tell you why. She said we're fucking cringe. I know, can I tell you why? No, just the title! Is it because we're old? Don't get angry. Are we old and lame and she's young and cool and we stink? She just got a job.

What? Yeah, at the school, right? Did you not? Yeah. Yeah. Working at the library or where are you working? It's a bookstore. At a bookstore at the school. And when you're working, because you've never worked before, right? Every day you work slowly in your heart and your mind, you're going to go, oh. I had it good. You got 16 bucks an hour is all you're going to make there.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm excited for that. I'm just saying the bad friends title, if you put it on your skin, is cringe. What about BF? No. What about our heads? Just that. Yeah, our faces. That simple. Maybe. That simple. I'm just like sad if I'm being honest. I'm so sad. It's like making me really sad. How about this symbol? This is cool. The new one from the hat that bad friends drip in. That looks cool. I'll put it like on my foot. Okay, whatever. You know what we should do though? This?

Like the Dark Knight, we should have a thing that protects. Just in the sky. In the sky. God, we don't. Right? So if people need us. We have to go there. We have, yeah. We have to do comedy. Yeah. I think in the Batman world, I think who would be the guy? What's his name? Gordon. Gordon. Who's Gordon in our group? What? Who's Gordon? If you and I were Batman, who's Gordon in our group? Fancy. Commissioner Gordon? Yeah, yeah. Who's the one that does the sign? Because he's the one that turns the sign on.

Fancy. That's probably fancy to be honest. Yeah, fancy's Gordon, right? And who is George? Is George just... Oh, George is commissioner. George is... George is Alfred. Yeah, George is definitely Alfred. He's Alfred. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look it, there's George. Yeah, George is definitely Alfred, right? I'll get you what you need, boys. George, I want to hear you with a British accent. Can you say... I'll get you what you need, boys. Say, I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen. I'll get you whatever you need, gentlemen and gentleladies.

Okay, but just the gentleman part. I don't want the ladies part because that sounded creepy. Absolutely. Say, I'll bring up the car immediately. I'll bring up the car immediately. That's actually not bad. I like it. If we got to put him in a little suit, why? You want to fine tune it a little bit? Yeah, a little bit more because it still doesn't sound English. Sell the British part a little bit higher. Sell it harder. I'll bring up the car immediately, gentlemen. This is good. It's okay. But be more fancy with it. Like be more animated. Be like, kind of like maybe you might be gay. We don't know.

gentlemen, I'll bring up the car immediately. Love that. I love that. I like the gay twist. I like that. It's a gay twist, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it has nothing to do with sexuality. We're just saying. You have fancy effeminate, I shouldn't say fancy. Jules would be Catwoman. For sure. No, Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy, yeah, yeah. Because she's fucking toxic as shit.

Oh, that's right. Toxic, yeah. You're toxic. I'm not. Yeah, no, you are. Yeah, you are. And it's getting worse. And I called Bob and I was like, I don't know if we want Little Miss Toxic around anymore because she's just not fun. She doesn't want to be here. She hates us. And he was like, she doesn't hate us. And I said, yes, she does. I don't hate you. Yes, she does. Yeah, I think you do. I think you do. I think you secretly hate us. And she's gripping the axe.

Kalala's been out of town for a week. And we haven't talked or talked because you're out and you're always grumpy around

- No, no he's not. - No, and you know, 'cause I think this is a proof. Everyone knows my energy, but they know your energy as well, right? And they compare the two. They're not blind to it. - That's right, the fans know. - Yeah, yeah. - I always say hi to you and you always say a different name when you say hi to me. - Yeah, there's terms of endearment. - Yeah, like what do I say? - You say, "Hi, Joey."

Yeah. Funny. Okay. That's funny. Yeah, funny. You kind of do look like Joey. What's up, Joey? What's up, Joe? Yeah. You don't like it? No. Yeah. And then sometimes I ask you, like, what's going on? Let's hang out. And you laugh. You go, no. No, I just say, I'm tired. Ugh. It just hurts me. It really does hurt me. And you got to do more of an effort. And I'm glad you're working.

Because when you're working, I'm going to be giggling. Because it's going to be like an awakening for you. Where is the store? At CSUN. It's the library or the bookstore? Bookstore. Like the campus bookstore where you go to buy not only books, but also apparel? Can we go? We're going every fucking day. Can we go to buy? I'm going every fucking day. We don't have to be students to go to the store, right? Of course not. Oh, we're going. I'm buying books. I'm going to buy some CSUN. I don't have any books. I want CSUN gear too. Yeah.

Fine. How many days a week are you working over there? Maybe like three. What are they giving you? How much? Do you know? I don't know yet. You took the job without negotiating pay? You negotiate? It's just... I don't know. It's my first job. How did you get the job? They just interviewed me and then... Did you see a sign that said now hiring and then you went in and asked? Yeah. Start from zero. What did you see?

I just saw I was looking through the bookstore and then it says hiring and I just applied and then they called me. Same day? No, like a week after. Who called? What did they say? Let's hear it.

They just said, hi, are you interested in working? I said, yeah. And then they said, okay, we'll give you another call for the 10-minute interview. And then I waited. And then they just said, how many hours can you work? And I just said, as long as I can work. And then they said, okay, we'll give you four hours every day. Or as long as...

Monday to Friday and I said, okay, that's fine. And they said that if you can carry a 30 pound something and stand for 10 hours. And then I said, yeah, I can stand for 10 hours. Were they shipping dead babies around that place? No. If you can carry a 30 pound box, don't look inside of it. But you're only working four hours. Yeah. Okay. And then did you ask, how much does it pay? No, I didn't. Why? Yeah.

- 'Cause no one told me to ask. - So you don't, what if they're not gonna pay you? - No, they said they'll pay me 16 and 75 cents. - An hour. - Yeah. - They're like, we're gonna get this immigrant for cheap. - Yeah, and you're not gonna be in the, I think you're hauling shit. - I think you're gonna be in the back loading stuff. - Yeah, they go Filipino,

We have a bunch of boxes. Get in the back. Yeah, get in the back. They don't want you out front. Not with that face. That's fine. I don't need to talk. Don't be mean. She's mean to us all the time. I know she is. I know. You're right. She's so mean to me. Look at your face. Look at the back. And you know what? We're going to start making you carry shit too. George, get something that's heavy back there and make her fucking carry it around. Boulders. Boulders. No boxes. Just boulders. I just want rocks moved during the show. Yeah.

You're going to have to start fucking carrying your weight. Why do I have to carry it? Because! Don't get angry, dude. Oh, God. Give her that box of merch. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Start going through that and separating stuff. Yeah, separate it from medium and large. Let's see you pick it up. Let's see you carry it. Pick it up. Let's see. Can you carry it? Wait, wait. Yeah, yeah. You can take the headphones off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see if she can do it. Let's see if you can do it. Because this is how many pounds, George, do you think this is?

I'll make it 30. Is this about 30? Yeah, rice. All right, keep it on your head. Keep it on your head, yeah. All right, for the rest of the episode. No! So anyway, put it down. Put it down, put it down. I'm happy that you finally got a job, Jules. We love that. I'm glad that you've got some responsibility in the world. Okay, so I was- Are you saying they pay you less at the store? I think I make less at the store. How do you make less? Don't they make you guys minimum wage? Maybe I just work less hours.

No, you were always there. Yeah, you're there. I think I've never not seen you there now. I know. You make more. You know what Jetski said? She goes, uh...

I'm not making that much an hour. You're not making 20 an hour? No. We should sue them. We should sue them. No. Let's sue the comedy store. People who say, it's so funny when comics who work there are like, we should make more money there. It's like, why are you here? You're not here. You're not there for the money. No. No, you're too smart for that. Let me ask you this, because I know back in the day in my time when I was a doorman, we had scams going. You guys got scams, don't you? You guys have scams going? Yeah.

I got the key and I threw it right back. Now open it up. Tell me what they are, but are there?

I wouldn't call him skimp. I'll tell you what. Yesterday I was working. No, this is real. I was working. We call them tips now. Okay. We get tips. And someone came up. I was working the OR cover last night. And so we go, are you jet skiing? Yeah. I love you on bad friends. Takes out a 20, puts it in the tip bucket. Hell yeah. Yeah. You should just put a bucket up that says jet ski on bad friends. You have to split the fucking 20 with other people. I don't know if I have to, but I did.

She's a good soul. Wow. She's a good soul. Get your own bucket. No, we split it. You do? Yeah, yeah. No, they have to, man. Oh, they do? Because otherwise, then, you know what used to happen? Because I know. I'm not snitching because they all got in trouble. You remember when everyone got in trouble. People were pocketing money and then wars started to break out because people were like, you're keeping money and you're not putting it in the pool. This is the same at a restaurant. If you work at a restaurant and you pool tips, some people don't put in, then it causes all this fight and turmoil and then...

I don't think they should pull tips. Well, you have to tip people out, though. Some doormen are just better than others. Okay. All right? And so whoever gets... You can't just... Because I know a couple of chinless fuckers that you have as friends over there. They don't do as good of a job. And I don't want to name names, but they have no chins, man. They literally don't. Bobby hit me up and goes, who's your friend with no chin at the store? I go, I don't know.

what you're talking about. I like that kid. So you think, no, no tipping, no fucking pooling tips. No. I got a gripe real fast to put out. I'm not going to call out the place. Okay. I don't care. I don't fucking like it when they include the tip already on the check. Why? It was pre-included for 18%. I'll tell you, there are multiple reasons. Okay. One, it gives the server no incentive to give you a better experience whatsoever. They don't fucking care. They're going to get their money no matter what. That's bullshit.

Two, 18% is automatically included. And then there was a note that said below it, we do this for the health and well-being of our staff and our workers to provide a better living wage for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Why is it on me, motherfucker? It should be on your company to pay people better then. Don't just automatically take my fucking money. That's bullshit. If you wanted to fucking provide a better life for them, you should pay them more. And then on top of it, the biggest...

blunder is you automatically charge 18 well then I'm done I'm gonna do the Apple pay and walk away when I was gonna give that person 20 25 I've tipped 30% you've tipped nothing probably too as well huh you probably tipped nothing I've literally never once fucked someone over on a tip because I worked in restaurants but my point is you're fucking them out of two more percent

Why would you do that? I was going to give them the extra two. That's what you say. Huh? Nothing. I've never fucked someone out of a tip. That's fine. I've always over tipped. You could leave more. No, but I don't because I think the system is bullshit. I like that. Fuck that. What, do you think they should just raise the prices on all their food? No, the place was already a fucking ripoff. That's what's even more gross. All this says to me is the people that own it and run it are making way more fucking money. I see. And they're like, oh, we want to help the workers have a better wage. You don't have to...

Juicy, you don't have to agree. Bullshit. You don't have to agree. I think including tip is bullshit. There are times where you can say, no, I don't agree. Oh, yeah. Like when I said, I'm not sure about the name Juicy. We all saw how that went. I don't think tips should be fucking included. You think tips should be included? It's their loss, though. That's my point. I was going to give you 20. Now you got 18. Can I make an argument, though? Go ahead. To me, I always pick 25%.

Right? Yeah. But when I see the 18% thing, right? I go, all right, well, I'm just going to give you that then. That's my point. So I'm saying don't do that. It's their loss. What the fuck does that have anything to do with you, bro? I don't like someone automatically charging my car. They charge your car. But if you're already tipping up well above 18% anyway. I'm saying you're an idiot. You guys were going to get more money. You're fucking your own people. Right, but it's not anger on your part. We're saying the same thing.

I'm annoyed. What are you angry about though? That's the thing. It's coming from anger. Because you should, it's actually, and you know what? It's technically illegal. That's the point. Oh, why is white people so entitled? No, no. Because you could go crazy. You could go, hey, I want the manager to take this off. And they would. And then I would, what I should have done is said, take this off. I don't agree with this principle. And then I would have given her 25% instead. And the reason why that's there, dude, is because sometimes they get European that time out.

Can I finish? I know what you're going to say. That's what white people do. They fucking cut off. Don't do a race thing. I'm not doing a race thing. Don't do a race thing. I know what you're going to say. A lot of foreigners come here and they don't think they have to tip. Yeah, they do. It's 2022. Everybody from Europe knows you tip over here. I just ran into fucking people from... If you have enough

to come to the United States on an airplane, you know that you gotta tip. And they're like, mate, this tipping thing's crazy, right? And I go, I know, but they're like, we don't even know how to deal with it, mate. Fucking bullshit. Who are these pikeys that you, no, how do they afford to get to the United States, you liar? Don't call my friends pikeys. Now listen, now listen, okay. Everybody knows. It's just something that you're angry about. When you came here from the Philippines, you know that Americans tip. No, I don't.

Thank you. It's a fact. It is true. It is true. No, it's bullshit. Yeah, yeah. But by the way, you're right. Look, I did tip her. Like the A-team was included. Yeah, you had to. Well, no, no, no. And then I left a $10 bill on top of it to supplement the percentage that was missing. But I was like, don't do that. That's fucking annoying. Let me give this person a gift on my own. I don't need you to like...

And the other argument would be, oh, well, what about people that like go in and they under tip or they don't tip at all? First of all, at a place that is this nice doesn't happen. This isn't Chili's. I used to work at. This isn't fucking Outback. I used to work. This was a high end restaurant.

I used to work at the Brockton Villa. Okay. Bring it up. Right. It's a fucking restaurant in La Jolla. Yeah. Okay. And I was one of the first original night servers. They were only a breakfast place. Right. I worked at the Brockton Villa. Well, that's your problem now. It's beautiful. It's a place that has night service. It's right on the Cove. Right. Beautiful. It's beautiful. Okay. You were a night server. And day server. I did the morning. Right. So one morning I was there. I was slammed. I had table...

I hit the front patio, which is like the most... Section two, dude. That's the most fucking hardcore sex. I have a Shore family...

about the Brockton Villa. I don't know if I should talk about that. Yeah, you should. But I'm going to get in trouble. We hung up our Pauly stuff. I love Pauly. Also, Pauly's coming on this show in a couple of weeks. We're having him on. That's why I'll save this story for when he's here. But my point is that I had a table. I don't want to name the race of the people. It has nothing to do with anything. Oh, it doesn't? No. Why would you bring it up then? Why would you mention it then? Because it wasn't white people.

That's all I have to say. It wasn't a white person. It was a table of 10, right? And I remember being slammed. Yeah. Slammed. Crushed. What do you mean? Crushed, slammed. Overwhelmed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Overwhelmed. With mostly whites? No. It was a mix. Yeah, yeah. Huh. Okay. What is your attitude right now? No, why were you mentioning the race? I'm just digging to find out what race they were because you were the one that was so adamant about... What were they? At the time, in this specific story, they were Persians. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm just curious. You brought it up. And the bill was like $400. Bro. Right? Bro. How 400? Right? How? Tell me how 400. Yeah. And they left me a penny. One cent. A physical penny? Yes. Or written on the bill? No. They put a penny in the black thing. Pretty tight. Right? Very funny. And they said the service was terrible. Was it?

I was slammed. I know, but was it? I don't know. That's the eye of the beholder. Eye of the beholder. That's the restaurant we should have gone to. Eye of the beholder in Glendale. So wait a minute. They left you one physical penny. Yeah, and I remember going, that's why I tipped so extravagantly. Because even if the service is terrible, it's just a terrible feeling. I always tip right. I never will fuck people over because I worked in a restaurant. But I'm just saying...

I guess what we're both saying is that the reason that they do this on bills is because of Persian people. Yeah. Yeah. So Persian people, it's all your fault. Tipping in restaurants, cafes in Iran is mostly not done or expected. See, that's what I'm saying. So in Iran, they don't. Yeah. So what I'm saying is that's why I wish at that time my restaurant had an 18% fucking thing in the fucking thing. But you were a bad server. I was slammed. I don't think I was that bad. I was being funny.

You just put down some food, alright? Here you go. You're slammed, right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, this food is late and cold. I push pancake. It's cold. I push it too, bud. I don't know. Now your finger's not on pancake. Why would your fingers be pancake? I was doing a comedy bit. No, give me the pancake. I'll get a new one, alright? Will this one take 45 minutes? Yeah. But watch, I'll take the two and I'll put it in front of my eyes. I go, look, I'm googly. I don't know. I want to talk to your manager. What?

I don't know what to do. And you walk away and they're like, we're definitely going to leave that Chinese guy a penny. Yeah. That was you? That's what you did? You pancake faked? Yeah, I think my problem is that whenever I... They complain about it all the time. My thumb was always in the food. Oh, my God. Your thumbs too? No, because when I'm carrying it, right? That's...

Show your thumbs to the camera. Look at those things. If we can zoom, punch in on that. Don't punch in my thumbs. No, please. I'm just so conscious of it. Well, that's why. If my thumbs would be in the fucking plate, right? And then they'd be like, yeah, why is your thumbs in my scrambled eggs? Yuck. You know what I mean? 100% yuck. Okay, well. I got fucked all the time, by the way. You want to talk about getting fucked on tips? I got fucked constantly in college. I worked at a wing place. We had 10 cent wings.

How many fucking tips do you think I got? Oh, nothing. 10 cents. Terrible. I want one barbecue and one honey mustard. Two wings? Yeah. I'm not kidding. And I go, sir, we have a minimum of a half a dozen. A minimum of six. So 60 cents minimum. And you have to buy a drink, a lemonade if you don't want a cocktail. And they go, I don't want it. Let me talk to your manager. Bring them over. They would literally, I would got change Thursday, whatever it was. Wednesday nights I'd have change.

Yeah, I know. I'd walk home. I'd have three dollars in fucking nickels in my pocket. I know comics that did comedy way early so they never had a day job. And their attitudes are like just whack. What do you mean? They're just, they don't know what it's like to work. Oh, to have a shitty job. It's like, you know, it's like you and I, I didn't make it until like my 30s. We still haven't made it, really. I know, exactly. We're still kind of going through it. We're still kind of struggling up there. You know what I mean? But my point is that. Still kind of drudging through it. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm so glad I had those experiences because that's why you got that. Years and years of like, how am I fucking going to pay rent? Because she said to me something. I don't know if I can say that. Well, no, it wasn't that private. But you said you were like, I feel like I'm about to get out of whatever situation I'm in. And you're like, I feel like I'm about to.

get to a new level. Yeah. Both professionally and personally. And I thought that was a good, that made me feel good in my heart because I was like, I really hope you do because I know you work super fucking hard and you're very funny. And I could tell her, her self-deprecation was on a high when we walked by her and she's pulling out a trash can out of the main room. And,

And I was like, hey. And she goes, hi. She goes, really knocked me right back down to earth. And she was dragging a trash can through the hallway. And I was like, you're not going to be doing that for long. I hope not. No, you're not. Do you have a commercial agent? Uh-uh. Why?

I'm going to skip that step and go straight to movies. Hell yeah, bitch. Do you not want to do it? No, I just don't right now. All these things are coming into my life so fast right now and I'm just trying to enjoy it. Call me tomorrow. I'll get you one. Yeah, you should have one. You should go offer one. I know the guy. I will call you. I have a big day tomorrow. I do. I'm going to the gynecologist. I know.

Can we send a camera crew to go with her for some Bad Friends content? So the gynecologist? Yeah, thank you. Then I'm going to active shooter training at the store. And then I'm hosting potluck. Wait a minute. There's active shooter training? What does that mean? Active shooter. Someone comes in with a gun. Oh my God. They're having that there? Yeah. So you should feel safe. No. No. We're all getting trained with guns tomorrow. Yeah, but none of you are going to have a gun.

I'm pretty sure that's what active shooter training is. You guys won't carry guns on the night of shows. I think they're going to give us all guns. Okay, tight. That's a good idea. That's a really good idea. Yeah, let's give a bunch of you guys guns. Yeah, because all the doormen are like bitter, resentful fucking comics. How funny, Renee is parking her car and he's backing in and just goes off in his pocket. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Active shooter employee training awareness. By the way, there's a new thing going around. There's kindergarten teachers that are all over the internet that are strapped up now. Look up kindergarten teachers with guns. It's like a new thing. It's scary, but you got to do it. So look at this. Trained, armed, and ready to teach kindergarten. More school employees are carrying guns to defend against school shootings. In Ohio, a contentious new law requires no more than 24 hours of training. So one day you get to carry a gun around the kids. Nap time. Lay down. Lay down.

I don't want... Get the fucking crayon out of your mouth. Bryson, get it out of your mouth. Who stole the cookie from the cookie? I have to go to the bathroom. Where? Where do you have to go to the bathroom? Number one or number two? Which one? I just did it in my pants. You did it now? Good, it's done. All right, let's sing a fucking song. This is my gun. Happy birthday. That's the wrong song. Okay.

That's fucking nuts. Kindergarten teachers with guns? Meanwhile, like... I feel like Rudy had that in the Philippines. During Uvalde, all the cops had guns and they didn't even go into the room. Yeah.

In Uvalde or whatever it was. Oh, yeah, yeah. There was like 40, 50 cops just going... There was a guy on his phone playing Candy Crush. He was just like, we'll be in there in one minute, guys. He's like, I got to beat this fucking level. Yeah. Did you see that guy on his fucking phone? He was literally on his phone chilling. There was another guy laughing. What? Just fucking around? No, there was this guy. I don't know what this shot is, but he was going...

What? Yeah. What? Yeah, in mid-laugh. He's probably listening to Bad Friends. That's right. That's right. That's the only excuse. Holy fuck, he's smiling. That guy. What could be funny? What could be funny in that hallway? Honestly, okay, so there's a school shooter. If one of us, if he did have our- You and our cops, right? But if he did have our podcast in his ear. No, but that, look at that. You and I are cops. Yeah. And we're in the school. All right, so you're hearing kids-

Crying. This is bad. And gunshot. It's bad. This is awful. Right? Yeah. So what would make us laugh? Yeah, I would. I mean, if we're sitting- Would you laugh? Yeah. We're like, all right, boys. We have to flank in the side door. You have to move in slowly. Bob, I want you to stay down. We'd lose it. We'd start shooting each other laughing. Terrible. Yeah. It's fucking awful. That's awful. It's disgusting. It's disgusting.

Can I tell you about a story that I just read? Yeah, of course. So I listened to Sword and Scale and I listened to this last night. It just blew my mind. Listened to what? Sword and Scale. It's another podcast. Sword and Scale. Sword and Scale. Okay, let's blank it out. I don't want anybody... We're not promoting our podcast on the show. Okay, anyway. Do you know who I've heard of a guy named Michael Hahn? Michael Hahn? Yeah, I think that's his name. Is he a murderer? Is this another one of your crazy murderers? Who is Michael Hahn, bud? Maybe that's... I got the wrong name. So many whites. I think I got the wrong name. Oh, you know what? I looked up... Look up... Well, he's looking that up. Look this up. Look up...

Names and color. You know synesthesia when words are color? There's a website you type in your name to see what colors your name is. You know what synesthesia is? Synesthetic? People that can see color and taste sound and shit? Yeah, I've done acid. Matthew Hahn. Matthew Hahn. Matthew Hahn. Matthew Hahn. Look at this though. Go to that synesthesia. Look at that. Type in one of our names to see what colors we are. There's like a generator. All right, let's type in

Let's type in juicy. Don't type in juicy because she's not juicy anymore. Who are you now? Just Jesse? Jetski. Jetski. Type in Jetski. Whoa, that's nice colors. Nice colors. Really? A little purple, yellow. How about mine? Bobby. Bobby. Those are my fucking colors. All dark.

And one little red light. One yellow. I'm blue if I want it, I want it. It kind of looks like a minion turned up on the other side. Yeah. Oh, Andrew. Whoa. What am I? I'm like the gay pride flag. I'm like one of those. I'm like the LGBTQ plus flag. Kind of the Belgium flag colors. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit on the right. How about Rudy? Well, do Juliana. Do her real name. Ooh. Ooh. Portugal. Portugal on the right. Yeah. Portugal on the right. And on the left, it's.

That's like the Nazi party, isn't it? No, no, no. What's on the left? I think that's the neo-Nazis. Yeah. Purple, black, and white. Isn't that neo-Nazi flag? I don't know. Neo-Nazi flag. By the way, this is great. I love that this is his computer.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. That looks exactly like Judy. Yeah, that's Rudy's name. Aren't those the Comedy Star colors? Yeah, they are. They are. All right, can I tell you about Matthew Hahn now? Matthew Hahn. Can I tell you about Matthew Hahn? I love you, Juice. Ah, sorry, not Juice. Matthew Hahn. Damn it. Did you get him? Yeah. The burglar. The burglar. All right, so check it out. So this is what happened. So you know how we have this...

You know with the three strikes rule in California? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So this dude had two strikes already as a burglar. He'd been in prison for a long time. What's the three strike rule?

Three burglars. I think if it's three felonies, you get a long time. You get like California three strike sentence law was enacted in 94. The essence of three strikes law was required defendant convicted of any new felony having suffered one prior of a serious felony to be sentenced to stay prison for twice the term otherwise provided by the crime. Holy fuck.

So if you fuck up three times, you're fucked. So he had two strikes, dude, and check it out. So one night, he's pretty good. You know, a couple of years, he started doing math, this and that. Oh, good boy. But then like his friend killed himself. So he's like, he goes back into meth addiction and now he has to steal more, right? And he already has two strikes. So he's like,

So he cases this house. Check it out. This is crazy. This is crazy. Cases his house because he heard that there was like a three-wheeler that he wanted to steal there. Yeah, I love three-wheelers. Yeah, he couldn't find it, right? And it's like 3 in the morning, and he's walking, and he sees like a bungalow in front of a house, and the door's open. And the light's on in it, right? There's no one in there, though. And he sees a safe, like a little safe. So he just runs in there, grabs a safe, gets in his car with his body, and they just drive off.

Early in the morning, he opens the fucking safe and there's six soiled diapers in there.

In the safe. Imagine breaking it. I'm going to get McMillions. There's six soiled diapers. I can't tell you how many times I've done that. Right. Six soiled diapers. Right. And then some, a packet of fresh diapers, like a little packet like that, a gun, and then some sort of like internet. What do you call that? A memory card. A USB stick. A USB stick. Right. Yeah. I already know where this goes.

What? The guy was into kid stuff or something. Right. So he puts it in there, right? And it's him, this guy with a three-year-old girl. Oh, no. I thought it was a prank the whole time. Listen to what his predicament was now, right? He's like, do I turn this guy in? Yes. Or do I go to, that's three strikes. Turn him in. Oh, turn him in. Oh, no. Well, let's make up our own version. Are you going to tell me more or no?

Does he do it? Well, you even want to know what he does? Well, yeah. He does it, obviously. He turns him in. He does. And then he gets massive, like 50-year sentence. What? Well, that's not fair. No, but then what happened was... Oh, by the way, you just stole a safe.

- See, that's a slap on the wrist, like the deal. - Yeah, but it's a third strike. But the prosecutor knew about his story. And so he went, the prosecutor went to like newspapers to do articles about the guy. And then there was pressure. And then he got like seven years. - Good, that's great. By the way, this is the better twist. - So what do you do?

If I'm him, if I'm the burglar and I just need, I'm just thievering. By the way, this is the problem with that. He's probably just stealing bullshit just to get more meth. And as long as he's not hurting other people, you're like, dude, he's just stealing shit because he's a drug. Exactly. But if I was him, I'd go back and I'd kill that guy. I would 100% kill the guy who's doing stuff with kids. I'd murder that guy on sight. Yeah, but now you get life in prison. I'd get away with it for sure. I'd plan it. And by the way, I, by the way,

I'd leave all the evidence out so when they do find this nasty guy's body and me riddled it up with holes then they find out he's a perv McGurv and I'd leave the USB plugged in on a computer so they'd see what he's doing so then no one's gonna try to find the murderer they'd be like this guy fuck this guy who cares right you know what I mean yep wouldn't I get away with it yeah cause what cop is gonna be like we gotta investigate who killed this pervert nobody fucking cares they wouldn't suspect you anyway cause before that you were just a thief exactly I was just a thief I'm not a murderer you can't fuck the guy or anything after leave any DNA

You just gotta kill him. I don't know if I can do that. What? I gotta have to kiss. I always kiss. I know you do. I know you do. Everyone I kill, I kiss. I knew there was a twist. I knew it. If I kill him, I kiss him. I know you can't leave nothing. I go pow. Yeah, no. I can't leave any DNA. No, please don't. That's so fucking gross. That guy should... He should have just killed that guy. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I would have just shot him right in the head. When he opened the face and he realized what it was, he was just like...

what the fuck do I do? You know what I mean? He had to do something. That's like an episode of Barry. That sounds like you ever watched, do you watch Barry? No, I heard it's good though. So fucking good. But it's shit like that, like these comparable things. You're like, he shouldn't kill that guy, but also fuck that guy. It was kind of the same way with Dexter, right? Where like, you were like, oh, you shouldn't be a murderer, but also maybe it's okay. Yeah. And we know how you like justice with those 18% gratuity at it. Yeah.

They deserve 20 at minimum. Everyone deserves 20 at minimum. But the dude's now, just FYI, the dude is out. He's sober for a long time. He's got a beautiful girlfriend. We should have him on the show. Yeah, he also does podcasts. He's really intelligent. Let's have him on the show. I'd love to have this guy on the show. Matthew. Matt Hahn. Matt Hahn. You like him. It kind of sounds Asian. Matt Hahn. He's white. Is he? Yeah, but he's like a cool guy. I've been seeing interviews of them and it was just like, it's just an insane predicament. What were his other thiever, thefts?

Just because he... What were they? I'm saying. I don't remember what they were. Just money. What thievery are we okay with morally and ethically in this room?

Grocery store. Yeah. Grocery store I'm okay with. Comedy store. Comedy store. When it comes to big corporations, I'm like, fuck it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Fuck Whole Foods, fuck Amazon. Same thing. Fuck anything big box chain. Fuck Costco, steal. Target, steal. Kmart, Walmart, steal, steal. Sometimes though in Target, they'll get...

People who are selling their product to a bigger thing. They've already sold them, though. They've already sold Target. Once you're in Target, you made a big bank. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a part of it now. But it's already in Target. They've already paid you. Target suffers a loss. Okay. Small business stuff. I like stealing from mom and pop stores. No. Yeah, yeah. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. I want a little pain. No, that's fucked up. Okay. It can only hurt the big box. But you know who I always wanted to rob? I'm cool with robbing a bank, by the way, for the record.

I think bank robbing is tight. I think it should come back. I love it. It's just... It's so cool. A lot can go wrong. But don't hurt anybody. Just get the money. Good luck. Yeah, but...

Because I would have to do the grenade thing. The grenade thing? Like, hold this grenade and don't let it go. Oh, you pull the pin and hold the thing? Yeah, yeah, hold. Everyone give one. I would give that to you. If I saw you in the bank, I'd immediately be like, watch this. I'd be like, hold this. And I would just give it back to you, no? And I'd be like, ha! Two dipshits died while robbing a bank.

But I would do the grenade thing. What else would you do? Grenade thing's good, no? It's really good. Yeah, yeah. Don't let this go. Don't let this go. Otherwise, everyone in here goes. But if I rode Rob Bank, I'd walk in with a real baby. A real baby. Not mine. That's a good one. Just someone else's baby. Higher stakes. Don't move or the baby gets it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a kindergarten teacher. I'm off my ship. I'm on my nap time. Don't move.

I'd bring in a baby and I'd go, do you want this baby to live? Yeah. But it's not my baby. You need to bring race into it. It's got to be a white baby. Value? Is that what it is? I don't know. Do you think? I'm just asking. I don't think white babies are the most expensive anymore. What do you think the most expensive white baby is? Any non-white. Any non-white baby. Because the culture has changed. Culture has changed, man. Times have changed. It's a different time. Black baby then. Black baby. A cute black baby. Black baby.

baby yeah yeah I think a mixed baby you don't know what it is yeah a couple of a couple of Canadian baby a couple of Canadian and then that thing is worth as much money as you I mean yeah there's an Instagram for mixed race babies mixed race babies Instagram yeah that's wild people just how many followers more than all of us no 243 is really good look at that girl right there I mean that's something we bring that girl nobody knows what she is that that girl

People are like, oh, here's my money. Here's my money. Take my money. Look at how good looking this mixed race baby is. Oh, this one? Oh my, yeah. Look at how good looking.

how good looking this mixed race baby do you want this mixed race baby to live are you woke are you woke are you woke like I'm woke right oh that one oh fuck they won't even know they're being robbed they'll just be giving you money the bank will just be like oh my god open the vault look at how cute that fucking kid is yeah what about a baby with down syndrome we'll be right back

Yeah, that's a pretty good. So I would bring grenades. You and I are robbing a bank. I brought in a baby. I'm bringing the grenades. Right. What else? You guys are. Yeah, you guys are the getaway driver. What kind of car did you get? I got a Toyota Prius. Yeah, we do want to save the environment while we're robbing banks. You know, if we told her to get a fucking car and she got a Prius.

We would be angry. Non-tinted windows too. It's just like bright. Everyone can see you sitting in a nice Prius in a stoplight. And the color is like light green. Like a light green Prius. Super trackable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all they had at Enterprise. You wrecked it? Yeah. Did you use your old name? You wouldn't...

- You can't let me use your Audi like I asked. - That's true. - We can't let her use the Audi. - So that's what she rented, that thing. - So we show up to rob a bank. - In that thing. - What bank are we robbing? Can we have a consensus on what bank? What bank do we wanna rob the most?

Is it Wells Fargo? Is it Bank of America? It's B of A. B of A, yeah. Because I feel like they... Wells Fargo has done some shady shit though. Which bank has the most controversies? Like Wells Fargo, didn't they get in trouble for like selling off your fucking information and all that stuff? No, they took money from large accounts. Oh, okay, Wells Fargo. We're stealing from them. Okay, Wells Fargo. So we're going to rob a Wells Fargo. What part of town though? That matters. What do you mean?

It's got to be like, it's got to be a really nice Wells Fargo. No, no, no. I think it's got to be in a city where there's a lot of traffic. A lot of traffic. Oh, no, I don't. Well, no, I don't want a lot of traffic, a lot of people, a lot of witnesses. No, no, I have smoke bombs. Oh, you got smoke bombs. I had no idea that you had smoke bombs. And I won't mix. What color is the smoke? What color is the smoke? I won't mix my grenades with the smoke bombs. I'll have them numbered. Can you imagine you get them confused and you're like, hold this grenade. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. What color is your smoke? Say it's yellow.

Yeah, it'd be yellow. Me and you have red and yellow fucking smoke going up. Yeah, yeah. That's like our wet bandits moniker. We always leave red and yellow smoke. Red and yellow smoke, right? Yeah. So we're thinking, you're really, right? We were at the scene, baby. And then Rudy, what is she doing to help? I'll be a sniper. Okay. We're not murdering. We're not going to kill anybody. But like those police that are chasing you. So you're going to shoot cops now? Yeah. You're a cop killer? Through the smoke. Yeah. You're a cop killer.

Yeah. Maybe it could be like a marshmallow gun or something. Just to slow them down. All right. Like rubber bullets. That's good. Rubber bullets. Rubber bullets.

Okay. God, she was so quick to be cool with killing a cop. Yeah, yeah. She didn't even think about it, dude. She was like, fuck 12. I'll kill the cop. All right, so we, now let me ask you something. Would you give a note or would you just do it verbally? I love the note. I love a good note. Yeah, but you, okay, so in line. But I have bad handwriting. That's the problem. Me too. Like that would be me. We the people are fed up. Yeah. We out here. I mean me, that would be my handwriting and I'd give it to the teller and they'd be like,

put the bink in the zag. Yeah. I'm like, fuck. You know what I'm saying. Yeah. And I would probably do the yes and no boxes. Oh, can I rob you? Yeah, can I rob you? Yes or no. Right? And then after they filled it out, can I have it back, please? And I had to read it back. Yes, yes.

You know what I would hand somebody? I'd hand them a magic eye so they have to like cross their eyes to see it says we're robbing you. Yeah, yeah. That's a pretty good one. Right, so we do it and then we hand them a bag?

Yeah, well, what kind of bag? I don't know how to do this. I've never done this before. Did we say that to them? We've never done this before. We're just handing you out. Do we hand you the bag or do you hand us a bag? Yeah, yeah. What bag do we bring in? I got to get a duffel bag. You want a nice brand? You want a fancy one? Yeah, Gucci. You want a Gucci duffel bag? Yeah, duffel bag. Dolce & Gabbana. Dolce & Gabbana. Yeah, big bag. Can I say bag friends? Bag friends. Love it. Ooh, Gucci and Adidas combo. That's dope, dude. That's sick. That's the bag.

Okay, so our bag is worth four grand and they only fill it up with like two and a half grand. That's true. Yeah, we go shitty. Shitty bag. You're right. Shitty bag. A $10 bag. Let's say we just get Trader Joe's bags. Trader Joe's bags. Fill these up. Fill these up now. And you're like, sir, we only have so many dollars here. The rest is in the vault and we don't have the access code.

What do we do? You say, do you guys do Venmo? Oh, that's smart. Do you guys have PayPal? Can you imagine them scanning my phone trying to get the code, but it's like it's not working? I just, I can't. And then as they go to pay me, they're like, what are your last four digits of your phone number? Because it's not going through. And I'm like, I don't want to give that to you because then you're going to know. I have a fantasy sometimes.

Okay. When I go to bed, I'll rob a new bank, but I spent 30 years digging underground. To go up underneath the bank? Underneath the bank. Oh, I see. Right? And then, because I don't feel like it's metal. I think it's just concrete. The floor? The floor. I'm sure the vault is steel. Yeah, that's the walls, but in the bottom, I don't think it's. No, I'm sure they do steel all the way. Yeah, I mean, that's why I haven't tried it because I don't want to get to the, I don't want to get to it and go, yeah, it's metal. That's the reason you haven't tried it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I,

Bobby Lee spends 30 years digging under the bank only to realize it is of course steel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you El Chapo's tunnel. Yeah, so I feel like if I dig up there, it's concrete. Let's just say that it is concrete. Yeah. And you can bust right through. And I dig a hole, right? And I wait for like Labor Day weekend when they're not open. Are they open? Bank holiday. Yeah, bank holiday. Right. And I go in there and I steal everything in the vault. All the money. And then here's my other fantasy. Right?

on the bottom of it um

In the tunnels, all around the tunnels. Yeah. I'll put mines. So it explodes. No, so no one... So I'll dig 30 years to get to the fucking thing. Take the money. Take the money out, right? And I'll have carts and stuff, right? And then I'll put mines down. Why? Because when the cops see it, right, it'll just take them longer, right? They'll go, oh, this whole tunnel's mine, so we have to be very careful because we don't know where it's leaked because my tunnels are also going to go zigzaggy. Oh.

Oh, you want to make it real complicated. Right, so then when they look this way, they just go right or left. They don't know where the beginning point is. Imagine you getting lost in one of your own tunnels when you're escaping with money. Fuck! You just can't get out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You die in there. You spend 30 years digging it. But I would dig elaborate tunnels. That die pack money, though. That's what happens. It explodes. What are you going to do about the die packs?

What's that? So they put these dye packs on money when the banks get robbed. But they put that in it. Like when you do a robbery and they go, here's your bag for the money. They have dye packs and they explode. And it fucks up the money. Kind of like, have you ever seen those tags at really nice high-end clothing stores that like they beep or they have like a...

Like you can hear them ticking. They're like little electromagnetic tags. You've never seen this or heard this? No. I really... Like where do you show? Well, sometimes like high-end clothing stores, you can hear the electronic tags. They have dye in there. Whoa. What happens is it'll explode and it ruins the garment. So it's like worthless anyway. They don't have dye in the pack. Yeah, they do. Really? Yeah, some of those have dye in them. Really? Yes, yes. That's insane. They're these little electronic... They sound like ticking bombs. Do you know what I'm talking about, Carlos? You can physically hear them like...

You can hear them tick. Wow. DIPAC is a radio-controlled device used by banks to foil a bank robbery. Dude, it's been around since 1965. But if I was some sort of engineer, I could create a mechanism that just...

puts them off in the store just for fun. A banknote that is discolored with security dye cannot be redeemed, Brad, of course. Yeah. So you would make an engineering ploy to make it so it wouldn't... You said clothing store, right? Like Gucci has it, right? Yeah, Gucci, yeah. So I just walk in, press it, and just all their brand new shit just gets fucking

That'd be badass. That's sick. And go, that's for the robbers. But then Banksy would be like, I did that. And then everything would be $80 billion. That's true. That's true. They just had, by the way, I just saw a sign on the highway. Banksy just did like a sale, like a art sale here in Los, do Banksy Los Angeles sale. They had like a fucking gallery apparently that was going on here. Oh yeah. Look at this. All sold out. Right? Like he did a closing July 31st. Tickets are still available. Oh, so you can go watch shit and buy his art.

How fucking funny. It is funny how he's like anti-corporate, but he's totally fucking corporate as fuck. Like he wants all that shit to sell. Huh? Billionaire. So much money. So much money. So much fucking money. I feel like that's all of us. Like everybody hates the rich, but wants to be rich. Yeah. I don't hate the rich. I hate people. There's certain people. Do you want to be rich? Yeah.

How rich would you do with the money? I want a house. I'd like to buy my mom a house. That's tight. That's cool. And I want to pay off my car. Yeah. And maybe buy some nicer clothes at these ticking places. You're talking about a ticking closing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look at this says that the research says 75,000 a year can buy you happiness. Will that be enough? That's fine. Yeah.

That's good. Yeah. With $75,000 a year? These studies have been going on for years. They find that these studies find that statistically, typically the happiest people are in a range of income earning. It's usually around like 70 to 100 grand. And then those people tend to have the...

on paper, statistically happy lives. Like they feel the most fulfilled and they feel that they don't have, they have enough where they don't have a ton, but they don't have too little. They feel like they're in a good pocket. Wow. It's a global study, by the way. That's insane. Look, the global study says $95,000 for life satisfaction between 60 grand and 75 grand for emotional wellbeing. But this is based on a lot of different factors that you can't kind of put into, but some, I guess they do think that that's like the optimal number.

I think I'm in the 12 to 24. Really? Really? Yeah. That's your... Like my whole like living on my own. So what would be the number that you think would... And by the way, this is bullshit because it's your net... What is this? Median listing home price was a million dollars in LA. Yeah, it's fucking gross. This place sucks. This place sucks. That's insane. What's the number you think would you be happy with? Like if you made X amount of dollars a year, you'd be like, I'm good.

I really don't know how to answer that because I don't, I like would want to buy a house. So I guess a million. You need a million. I need at least a million. Yeah. So there's a million for the house. A million for the house. Well, you need two million. Your mom needs a house. Mom needs two million. Pay off your car. How much? Uh,

You'd get a brand new car. You would get a brand new car. I like my car, but... Okay, so $2,020,000. Yeah, $2,020,000. A couple of nice ticking clothing stores. Yeah, I want your clothes at your place. I don't shop there. You can tell by the way my wardrobe is pathetic. But let's just say you want another $10,000 in clothes. So I'm just asking for $2,030,000. That's it. That's doable. But then you're done. Then

Then I'm done. Then you're zeroed out. You're okay with it? But then I'd like to give back some money too. To whom? To who? Like other comics up and coming and probably find a charity. Oh, that's nice. You won't do that. Yeah, like how you give me $100 in the lot. I would do that.

I'm gonna you're gonna see me in like I've given you $100 in the lottery yeah you're gonna see me in 10 years and some young kid's gonna come park my car and I'm gonna be like do you like money? I've said that do you like money? yeah we talked about it on the show okay can I say this though that money that you got is from the improv

Okay. Because the improv pays you cash. Yeah. Right? So whenever I play the improv, I always give that cash away. Well, if I knew that, I would have said, keep your improv money. Yeah. She hates the improv. You hate the improv. I'm not a fan. I'm just kidding. Rudy, how much do you want to make? She's already making like $700,000 a year or something right now. Yeah. At that bookstore. Bookstore's paying a lot of money. I just want...

Three million. A year? Yeah. Okay. Jesus Christ, this little bitch. Your mind is warped. You're warped. I love it. I think I asked for too little. You did. What is this? Gucci knives are $600 a knife? That's what you're going to buy with your money? Oh, that's a set of two? Yeah. That's for one lonely guy? We wanted to know what you guys wanted to make, and apparently $3 million a year is fucking... How are we going to do that, Jules? How the fuck are we going to make you $3 million a year? That's so much money. How? Okay, maybe $3 million...

Like in total already. For the rest of your life? Yeah. Well, okay. We were doing yearly. How long are you going to live? Forever. 35. You're going to live to your 35? Yeah. So 15 more years? Yeah. Oh my God. That's so sad. So 3 million divided by 15 years, you're going to make 200 grand a year. We could probably get you there, I guess. We could get you there. You want to die at 35, kiddo? Because what if I get hit or something or get shot? Who's hitting you?

I don't know. Who's shooting you, bud? A school shooter. They don't really go for fucking community colleges. I feel like they stick to the big... She's in a university. CSUN? Is Northwestern a community college? No, Cal State. Cal State. Oh, Cal State Northridge. Oh, they don't like Cal State. They don't like Cal State. School shooters don't do Cal State.

I don't know what if I get eaten by a bear or something eaten by a bear? yeah seems unlikely but you'll be out of school by 35 I don't know not with this fucking brain bear attacks are 1 in 2 million there's no way no chance shark attack more common probably for you especially because you go swimming out there where they are 1 in 3 million but do some math what about Filipino girls that go to Hawaii often

But it's one in three million. That doesn't include people that don't go in the ocean. Correct. Right. Just one in three million people that the three million people in the ocean. No, I think that's just one. You have one in three million chance of getting bit by a shark. Some guy that lives in fucking Idaho that lives in the forest is not going to get bitten by a fucking shark. He shouldn't be a part of the equation. Heart disease then.

Okay. 39,000 deaths in females in the Philippines in 2019. All right. So you get heart disease. I could see it. Your diet's bad. Yeah. That's not. Isn't it? I guess it is. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you eat bad shit? McDonald's. French fries. Yeah. What the fuck? That's all. What do you mean? You think that's not a bad diet? She makes her own French fries. It was terrible. Would you air fry it? Yeah, I did. It was really soggy. It's not good. You can't air fry French fries. I think you can. You can't. Well, oven cook them then.

You can oven cook them, but you can't air fry them. They become soggy. They just get too soggy. Can you, how do you make, Google, how do you make crispy fucking french fries in the air fryer? You know what's good in a pan with oil and you fry them? Yeah. No, it's really good. What? That's the best way to make them. She's teaching her a traditional way to make french fries. She's like, just put them in a pan with oil. I used to make those all the time. Air fryer, set the kitchen appliance 350. Okay, it says you could do it, but.

Yeah. Unlike a microwave, reheating fries with the air fryer keeps them crisp. So this is saying it does get crisp in the air fryer. You fucked up. Five, three to five minutes. I did 10, no, 13 minutes. 13 minutes? I mean, you overcooked it then. But they were soggy? They were soggy and not cooked all the way through. I think your fries were cut too thick. Oh, yeah, steak fries. Okay. They were cooked way out. You got to throw them out. We'll switch that up. That's fine. Yeah, yeah. I just go to fucking McDonald's. Why would you make it at home?

Yeah, you're not going to beat the place that's been doing it right for so long. Yeah, yeah. What are we talking? Best fries in the game? McDonald's? Better than In-N-Out? Better than Burger King? Better than Wendy's? The best hamburger in town now is Hi-Ho. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're good. Yeah, real good. Have you been there? Yeah, but there's so many competitors now. Like, burgers never say die, all that shit. There's so many burgers. My favorite's Easy Street, and they used to be in a little tent by my house, and now they've moved to Burbank. Dude, I'm going to have one of those. Right now. Right now.

You want one of those? Yeah. I'll take you right after this. That's my favorite hamburger. I'm trying to eat less red meat, but it's not working. Fuck it. I don't know what I'm... I'm trying. No, because I know it's not great for you to eat it so much, but I love it so much, but it clogs up my insides. I didn't poop for like four days when I had COVID. I didn't need to know this. Four days. I don't care about your schedule. Also, I don't even know if I had COVID, by the way, because I tested positive. You tested positive, yeah. But then three days later, it was negative.

Yeah. And everybody was like, I don't know if that's possible. Maybe you have monkey pox. You might have had it in your poop. It's what they're saying. Those with digestive systems were more likely to have a positive stool test. Oh, wow. Whoa. Well, I did put the swab in my nose and then in my shit and then I put it in my thing. So that does add up, I guess.

Lack of appetite is the most common system. Oddly, polar opposite. Couldn't stop fucking eating. Couldn't stop fucking eating. Like a fat fuck, I just sat on, I door dashed all day long. I door dashed all day long on my fucking couch. What do you get most? Like if you look at your orders, what's the most? If I look at my door dash app? Yeah, let's go to my door dash. I'll see. What do I order the most when I'm not feeling? Well, I usually do it when I'm not feeling well because otherwise I go get stuff. But it has your history, right? Yeah.

I'll tell you mine. Where is it? Mine goes Morton's, Casita Del Campo, Morton's, Casita Del Campo, Casita Del Campo, Casita Del Campo, Morton's. So you're like mixing it up a lot. That literally is my thing. Let me hear yours. Let me hear yours, Jessica. I know mine by heart. It's Sweet Greens or Joe's Pizza. Love Joe's. Yeah, it's so good. Mine is Thai food. Thai food, Mendocino Farms.

uh pizza thai goop kitchen pizza goop sugarfish thai indian mendocino jones it's all the same shit yeah well i think when you order food like especially during the pandemic when that's everybody was doing so much of it sometimes you get it delivered and it's like not good yeah but then you find your places that that do it the best yeah there's places that do the delivery the best yeah

All right. Well, listen, I want to announce something. Okay. Happy to announce. We're getting married. We are getting married. I'm a little excited about it. I have decided I'm going to finally shoot my special. Yeah. Netflix. September 24th. I'm going to be shooting at the Paramount Theater in Denver. Tickets should be available by the time this comes out.

And in the meantime, I'm going to run my hour in a bunch of different spots. I'm doing Salt Lake City, September 9th and 10th, and then we're adding dates. So go to androsantino.com.

To see those, I'll be running the hour. Yeah, I'm taping it September 24th. Congratulations. I'm nervous. It's going to be great. I'm nervous. I'm going to kill it. Taping is so stinky. Live shows are so fun, but taping is so fucking annoying because there's so much that makes it look not like a comedy show that you're like, it's just, it's... But you know what? I got a good crew of people doing it. The same guys that I went and saw Ari Shaffir do his taping in New York and it was fucking beautiful and it didn't look... Cameras weren't in people's faces. No.

It was like hidden. So nobody kind of knew. It kind of felt they knew it was a taping, but it, you know, there's nothing worse than when you like a taping and a guy's like looking around a fucking camera stock. And yeah, it's just weird. Whenever I did the Comedy Central one, the half hours we would break. They would stop in between comics. They go, OK, guys, we're going to change some stuff out. I was like, how are they going to find this funny?

They have to like sit there and wait for a new comic for 20 minutes and then – That's why I would never do one where it's a series. It's going to be you, Joe Dorote. You know what I mean? I want to do my own. When I do one, it's going to be my own thing. That's why I waited. That's why I did this. I think I'm going to do one in the theater in a round. You want it in the round? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Because of your body? You want people to see your whole body? Yeah, and I also want it to be like just kind of stacked.

You want him like falling in on you. Yeah. I want a stacked theater in the round where it's kind of like blood sport. Well, here's the deal. Yeah, yeah. September 24th at the Paramount Theater in Denver, I'm doing it. Go to andresantino.com to follow me before that to see what other dates I'm doing outside of Salt Lake City to warm up. Me and Bobby are planning a tour right now to do Bad Friends next year. We are going to be coming. Tell us where you want us to go because we're going to be doing a Bad Friends tour. Maybe Jetski will be there. She'll open all the shows. Maybe. All right. Well, everyone go visit Rudy. Rudy.

Go to andrewcentino.com and come see me live and go visit Rudy and say, hey, I'm a bad friend. And that is going to get you how much off? What's the discount at the bookstore? Five. Five what? Five what? Five percent. Five percent? Ten percent. You're going to get 15% off when you say I'm a bad friend too. Why don't you say goodbye for us? Thank you for being a bad friend.