Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Revenge
01:13:42 Share

Anchor! If you haven't heard about Anchor... It's the easiest way to make a podcast. It's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. Oh, please.

It's free. Awesome. That's cool. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or your computer. You do it from your phone like on the go? Oh, my God. That's cool. And on the bus or the subway you can do it. That's cool. Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many, many, many, many, many, many, many more. Go ahead.

You can make money from your podcast, too. No minimum listenership. How about that? You can make money with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast all in one place. Where do we have to go, Bob? Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started. I'm not a maid. I just like...

Tito Bobby kept shouting on me when we were driving here. Yeah? He's so loud. He's so annoying. You're so annoying. I hate this job, Jules. Look, these mics actually get close to you. I think we should just like... We can take over. Do you think the show would be successful if we would do it? Maybe. Right? Maybe. Look, we even have some of the homeless plus clothes from Tito Bobby. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Hey, welcome to bad friend. Hi. Right? And I can just like yell at you because that's super easy. It's like, you're late. You're late today. Why are you late? Right? You just have to do nothing. This is the easiest job in the world. Yeah. They don't even know how much we do. Can I still have my knife? Yeah, I think you should have your knife. Okay. That's it. There you are. If they interrupt us, then... Then we use it? Yeah. I'm gonna use the knife.

be so nice i think this will be so much nicer you talking now you're starting yeah why don't you start the podcast let them start the podcast is it on everything on yeah okay go ahead welcome to my friends we decided to take over bobby and andrew yeah because this is such an easy job we just get to talk and shout at each other right

Right? And be mean. Be mean? We could be good friends instead of bad friends. Yeah. Right? We're way nicer. So what did you do today, Juliana? Did you sleep until like 4? No, I slept until 5. And I woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because yesterday Tito Bobby flooded the house. No, no.

Well, we were on the beach. I didn't fucking... Shut up! Shut up! Right, so what else happened? The floor is broken. And then we have to move to another house in a week. How did he do that? I don't know. He couldn't hear it. But I don't believe him. Was he playing video games? He was doing yoga. He was exercising? Yeah. Oh, wow.

You guys are doing a good job with him. What about you? Tita Bobby, can you get closer to the mic? I am close. Closer. This is it. It's right in my mouth. No, closer. It's the way. It can't get any closer than this. That's what you do. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Woo.

Or you two or something. We're bad friends. Somebody's gotta go to a country club so he can get in at three o'clock. Cause he is elitist. That's right. It's like, um, hey everybody, welcome to Dead Bad Friends. I'm Bobby Lee. I'm Andrew Santino. And so, you know, I get a call yesterday from one of my best buddies. He goes, hey,

He goes, you know, that's how he fucking answers the phone. I said, hi, Bob. I was actually very nice the other day. I go, hey, Bob, how are you? Yeah, yeah. And I congratulated you, didn't I? Because because what did you do? What did you do the other day? So nothing. What did you do? What do you mean? I do a lot of things. What did I congratulate you on, Bob? Oh, I'm being perfect. What did I congratulate you on?

Oh, you sold a television show. Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. That's huge. Yeah. So let me say something. Yeah, go ahead. All right. So this week I'm pitching to networks because I wrote a stupid show. Okay. With my friend Peter. Peter wrote it. Go ahead. God damn. You don't even have final draft on your computer. I bet my life on it. Okay. Anyway. Do you?

I don't have a computer. Okay, so Peter wrote it. I do old school. Yes, old school. Hemingway. What's old school? On a fucking pad. With a feather pen? Yeah, yeah, with a feather pen. Okay. All right, so you wrote the show with Peter, and you sold the show, and I was so happy for you. So then Thursday, we shoot this on Thursdays. Usually, yeah. Usually, and I call him and I say, listen, we're still pitching to other places. Can we move this to Friday? And he goes, ah.

You know, his face gets on fire. I'm ghost riding. Right? Yeah, and then – so then last night he calls me. He goes, meet me at 1 o'clock. We do this at 3, by the way. Hey, Bob, do you think you can do this at 1 p.m.? That's what I said. Bob, do you think you can do it tomorrow at 1 p.m.? It would help me out. But that's like asking a normal person, just a normal person –

Hey, can you get here at 4 in the morning? Normal people don't fucking sleep till 3 p.m. I'm just saying, I'm not normal. I have a different schedule. But that scale isn't correct. That's not correct. It's like somebody is saying, hey, can you show up at 7 a.m.? Yeah, it's super reasonable. 7 a.m. Super reasonable. People do it every day to go to work. Every single day. In fact, the mass population probably does that every day. Go ahead. Tell your fucking story. Right. So I go, why? Why?

Don't worry about it. I move for you. That's right. I move for you. I move for you. And I go, all right, you must have something important to do. That's right. So I get up and it was really difficult. And you got up today. It was hard to get up today. It's so hard to get up. You know, I get up.

Yeah. I got a fucking, you know, Andrew has his aunt probably has cancer and he has to go to the hospital. Or, you know, he's meeting, you know, the Russo brothers. I am meeting the Russo brothers this afternoon. He's going to be the next Avengers movie. Something, you know, something like that. And that's it. You're so annoying. I don't have any work coming in right now. Really? You.

Really? You're on Davey. It doesn't come back for a calendar year. A year. So I don't get to work for a year. Davey. So you get to dance around. You've done two commercials, okay? You've had two auditions. Davey. And you sold a television show. So then I go, I come here and I go, what was it at three that you had to go? Well, I'm trying to get into this country club. Golf club. Country club. Golf club. It's a men's club. It's a golf club. And I go, that's why you moved? I have to go meet with the board today. That's important. All right. So-

At 3 p.m. at the end of the day. What are you getting so angry for? Because you're such a fucking, you're a gaslighting dick. No, you're a dick. You were smoking and you talked shit outside before the cameras were on. I'm so calm right now. Look at the average time that most Americans wake up. Yeah. Guess what time it doesn't have on there? P.M. No post meridian on there. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9.

You complain about waking up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon to do me a little baby favor. Oh, I'm sorry. Juliana's sick. Then why is she here? She sleeps, right? She needs 12 hours of sleep. Why are you here if you're sick? She shouldn't be here if she's sick. On a daily basis, I'm on her schedule so she can get her fucking rest. Okay? Is that true, Jules? No. You don't sleep 12 hours.

I do, but... There we go. She has a condition. She's growing. She's an 18-year-old girl. She's young. She's still growing. She needs her sleep and her rest. Her mind is still developing. You are 50. You don't... You've got... Shouldn't you be up... 48. 48. Yeah, 48 years old. I know, but you're kissing 50 right there. Is that 50? Yeah.

And it's fine. I'm not criticizing you for your sleep schedule. But when I ask you to do me a small favor, can't you just do me a small favor? If people didn't know who we were and we took headshots and we had a fucking committee, like a focus group, and said, who's older? I don't know. I don't know who would fucking win that fucking competition. That's because you were always ugly. You always looked ugly. I got uglier as I got older. That's fine. But you always looked that way. That's mean.

That's cruel. It's just as cruel as the thing you just said to me, Bob. You just said, I look older than you. You said I was 50. You are. I know. You're almost 50. I know. And you know what we're going to do for your 50th birthday? Let's go back to the country club? Let's go back to the golf club and let's go back to your house. Why are you moving out of your house?

Okay. First of all, I was not going to even mention this. Jules did. So there are consequences to your behavior, young lady. Right? And we talked that we would not mention this. And you threw me fucking under the bus. Okay? That was you. So...

You broke the floor and now you have to move out. No, no, no, no. Can Jules tell it? Can I hear her tell it instead of you? Because yours is going to be... She just... What she just told it? Yeah. And she just said something that made me so angry. What did she say? She goes, and it's Bobby's fault or something like that. Was it Bobo's fault? I mean, no one was there except him. If it's only you at home, whose fault is it then? Okay. So what you're saying to me is this. That I took the kitchen... Okay. So...

We have two sinks in the kitchen. I know. Okay, we have an island. Yes. On the island, next to the sink, right, is the lever for the fucking sink is one of those long metal things that stick out, and it's very loose. Yeah. You tap it a little bit, water sprays. Sure. What's next to the sink? The cat bowls. We have three cats. I know. Okay? Bojo or Goonie, one of those two cats, hit the fucking lever.

While I'm in the other room doing yoga, these girls are going to the beach because that's the life they live. Easy peasy. Easy peasy. You bastard. Did you invite him to the beach? No, she didn't. I think Kalilah did. You didn't invite me. Why didn't you say, Tito Bobby, do you want to come to the beach? Do you not care if he comes to the beach? No, I care, but I think Kalilah already did.

And he said no. But I think it would mean a lot to him if you invited him. Okay, next time. Yeah, it would mean so much to me. All right. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't going to even mention this, but you deserve it. When we were in the fucking car ride over here, we drove by a guy, right? And she goes, there he is. And I go, and I wave to this guy. We're driving. And I go, who did I just wave to?

It's him. Who? You would think that it was Brad Pitt. Right. Some famous hot guy. You would think it was George Clooney just walking down the street. Right. She goes, Jason Nash. You know who that is? Oh, yeah. He does...

Yeah, he did sketch stuff. I'm sure he's a very nice guy and very talented. I know who he is, yeah. But she acted as if it was, Jesus just came back. I wasn't that excited. You were. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. Oh, yeah, you were. You like him, huh? Yeah, she likes him. And then she does a slam, another slam that you did. I go, what, you like that guy? No, he old. I go, he's, she goes, he old as you.

And I was like, you know, that hurts. Yeah, but she likes him because she finds him entertaining. You don't have a crush on him. No. No, no, no, no. It's not like that. I mean, I witnessed. She just thinks he's funny. I have no idea. She thinks he's funny. So anyway, I'm doing yoga. And all of a sudden, you know, I'm in the pose. I'm doing the stretches. Yeah. Right? All of a sudden, I see Kalilah running. They come home from the beach. The house is flooded. Yeah.

I go into the kitchen. There's like this much water, right? Wait, time out. On hard wooden floors. Time out, real fast. They were gone. You were home. The house flooded. You didn't know. No.

So you had turned on the sink on accident. You went down to do yoga. I didn't fucking turn on the sink. I never use that fucking sink. But neither do they. Yeah, they do. They use that sink all the time. But they didn't use it that day before the beach. The cat hit it, man. The cat turned it on. Yes. So wait, it's the spigot that goes into the sink. How would it flood? Is it plugged? Did the sink flood? No, so the spigot? Sure. Where the water comes out? Yeah. I don't know if we can say that, but. What's it called? I think it's a spigot. Okay. Let's just say it's called a spigot.

It was off to the side on the counter. Like it was turned. Because it turned. It can turn. It can turn. Yeah. So what they're accusing me of is I went, gee, I have yoga in five minutes. I might as well just do this. Yeah. I like water. Yeah. And then walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did not do that. Do you know I know it's the cat? You know how I know it's the cat? The woman who bought the house across the street from me, a really sweet girl, anesthesiologist, just moved in.

The first week she was in the house, she has two cats.

she's gone because she works long hours at the hospital for 13 hours one night. She comes home. The entire house is flooded because a cat turned on the sink and ruined the whole thing. A week she moved in, she had to redo the whole floors and the whole entire house because all the water kept going down to the other levels too. Yeah, and that's what we're worried about. So wait, is your water seeping down to the other levels of the house? No, but the wood is getting bumpy. Oh, dude, it's warped. Oh, that's really bad. Do you think that she should pay for it?

I think you should work it off. Here's another slam that she did. I tell them, I swear to God, it's the cats. She doesn't believe me, this one. What do you think happened? Rudy, what do you think happened? I think the cats, but then he could have heard the water.

Oh, she's saying you were negligent in your behavior. She's saying you don't care. So what she's saying is that I'm doing the yoga pose. What position do you think you're in? Right here? Yeah, what is that? I'm upside down right now. Oh, on your head? This is the floor. What's that called? I don't know yoga positions. What's it called? Headstand. Headstand. I'm doing a headstand. That's what that's called? How come some of them are so elaborate and that one's called headstand?

They're downward dog. Yeah, yeah, I do downward dog. What's the baby one? Child pose. Child pose. Child pose, yeah, yeah. What's the other one? There's another really – Cobra. Cobra, the cobra. That's this one, right? No, not this one. No, that's an eagle. That's an eagle. That doesn't look like an eagle at all. This looks more like a cobra because snakes intertwine. This looks like spinal bifida. Yeah. They call it the spinal bifida. This is the humpback. Here's what happens. So I tell them we're bummed.

And so I guess 40 minutes later, I go, I'll have some coffee. Right? What? So I, you know, it's one of those coffees where it's a machine where you press the button. It goes. Right, right. It's little cups. Yeah, it's a Keurig. Something like that. Yeah. And I press it. And then all of a sudden, there's coffee all over the place. And I forgot to take the cup and put it in the thing. Oh, you just thought coffee, the cup will be there.

I just, I don't know what's going on. Make coffee, coffee machine. I don't know what happened. Pickety-bockety-boop. So there's now coffee everywhere. Bob. And then she looks at me, she goes, you did the faucet. Yeah, I love you, Jules. And I go, wait. I'm on your team. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. That being said.

someone has to pay for it. And that someone is you. How much is it going to cost? Be real. Did they estimate it? It could cost anywhere between 20 grand. I don't know. Where did you guys have to go in the meantime? You have to move into a rental? I'm trying to figure out if we can stay there. While all that works. They have to rip up all the floors, right? There's no way. This woman across the street had to go to a hotel. They were like, you can't be in the house. We're ripping up all the floors. That's a disaster. Was she bummed? You know what's so funny? She was upset, but she goes, this isn't the first time my cats have fucked something up in the house.

Yeah, there was the first time in my mind I'm like, is it worth having cats? I mean, you know my opinion. I know. I love my cats. You know what my dog has never done? What? He's never turned on my sink. Yeah, you know what your dog has never done? What?

hopped onto a kitchen cabinet. Yeah, because that's insane. Why do I have an animal inside the house that acts like it's a zoo? That's true, right? I like animals that poop outside. Stay on the floor. We should have a rule. Cats, stay on the floor. Next time you're on anything levitated... Good luck. Good luck to you. Good luck. You're going to go to Peru because in Peru they have a...

a cat eating festival. Do they? Yeah, where they hunt the cats though. So they put a cat... In the wild? No, I don't know. They're like house cats. You put a cat in an arena and they throw like bow and arrows at it. Yeah, yeah. It's weird. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's in Peru. I don't know how the game works. Well, cats have different meanings all over the world, right? If you go to Egypt, cats are the most like – they're high praise, right? They're like these beautiful ancient creatures that they give a lot of love to. But then you go to certain places like –

In the Netherlands, they have shot-putting contests with cats. Do you know that? Oh, no. They throw them as far as they can. Wow. Because cats are going to land on their feet. Yeah. So they'll just huck them as far as they can. Those Netherlands people are wild, dude. So they spin them around. Yeah.

Yeah. What do they call that when they put two cats in a bag and hang them over like a phone? Pinata? No. What they do is back in the day, you should put two cats in a bag. They throw it on like a phone wire, right? And then they just kill each other in the bag. Whoa. What is that called? Two cats in a bag? Yeah. Do you know what that is, Jules? Have you ever heard of that? It's a famous term, but I forgot what it was. But you know what? I love cats because dogs to me –

This is how to cat-proof your home. There's nothing in here. Dogs to you what? Go ahead. Keep talking. Dogs to me are a little too needy. In what way? I've always had cats. I prefer cats. Dogs are always like, you know, dogs are always like, where are you going? Yeah, they want to know. They're concerned. Nah, nah, nah. I don't like that. Cats are like, who are you? I like that. They live in your house. That's so disrespectful. It's like that in women, right? You don't want a woman that's too needy.

But you want a woman that shows you affection and love, which cats do on their time. And that's what I like. It's like Kalilah when I met Kalilah. But Kalilah doesn't. Kalilah shows you love and affection all the time. No, but Kalilah was so difficult to get. What do you mean? Oh, to get as a girlfriend? I mean, I was like, I might have people to get this one. Yeah. First of all, she's like. I mean, none of us thought so. What? None of us thought so.

Fuck you. When I first saw Kalilah, I was like, and I met her. Not when I saw her. How about this? Take away just that she's pretty. Yeah. When I saw that she was so cool and nice and sweet. Yeah. I was a little annoyed. Yeah, yeah. That that was your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It bothered me. Yeah, people get annoyed. People get annoyed. Yeah. Because a good looking girl is a good looking girl. There's a fucking billion of them in Los Angeles. Yeah. She's very cool and it was a little bothersome for me. Yeah. It was annoying. Yeah. Better.

BetterHelp. Hey, Bob. You and I both need therapy, and we get it, don't we? I use this service in my personal life. It changed my life. I love BetterHelp. Yeah, because it's nice to talk to people, and I know it's difficult right now. Everyone's having hard times, but...

BetterHelp gets you communicating in almost no time. I think during the pandemic, doing internal growth is very – this is your time to grow within and to help yourself spiritually grow, emotionally grow. I agree. And deal with trauma or whatever you – and some issues that you have. And this way you can do it from the comfort of your own home, okay? You can log into your account anywhere and message your counselor. These are professional people online. They're committed to facilitating therapeutic matches.

They make it easy for you. Right, Bob? I mean, it's a simple thing. We both used it and they want you to be happy. And I think we all deserve to talk to somebody. It's also affordable and it's more traditional, more than offline counseling and financial aid is available as well. Right. So if you need it, they need it. They can help you out. They want you to start living a happier life today. Go to their website and read their testimonials. You can tell that they have had so many people that

agree that it's really worked through some of their hard times, especially during Pandy. So go to BetterHelp.com slash... Bad Friends. That's H-E-L-P, Better H-E-L-P, Better Help, and join over one million people taking charge of their mental health. Special offer for our Bad Friends crew. The listeners get 10% off your first month. Ain't no shame in talking to somebody. Ain't no shame, shame. Ain't no shame. Go to BetterHelp.com slash... Bad Friends. MeUndies. MeUndies, guys, is my favorite underwear. It's like they have so many cute designs. Yeah.

It fits so snug on my – it almost feels like I'm not even wearing underwear. I use it when I perform too because I like to do little dances on stage. It literally is my favorite underwear company. Stretchable, breathable fabric. I like to bring a bunch of MeUndies with me on the road, and I change them out depending on my mood. Sometimes I want little pizza on there. Sometimes I want little palm trees. I have some with raccoons. I have some with pandas and others, etc., etc.,

It's the softest fabric known to man, baby. It sustainably stores beechwood trees that magically turn from pulp to yarn to undies. They have so many different colors and styles. We do love it. We both have me undies. I really do love it. And it makes Bobo's butt look really nice and plump. Nice and plump. Big old peach. Like a Kardashian. You're like a little Korean Kardashian, huh? Yeah, I am. Yeah, you are. Me undies has a great offer for our listeners. Any first-time purchasers, you'll get 15% off. And free shipping, they send it for free. Oh, my God. What is this? Lottery? Lottery.

This is the lottery, baby. 100% satisfaction guarantee. Get 15% off your first order. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meetundies.com slash... Bad friends. That's meetundies.com slash... Bad friends. You and your wife bother me. Okay. That's fine. But let me say this. She shows you love and affection just like a dog does, right? She's concerned with where you go. But in the beginning, no. So in the beginning, right, it was like her first thing was, I'm never going to go to L.A.,

She lived in Long Beach. Right. And I go, what do you mean? Like, you're going to have to come to me. So every day, you know how far Long Beach is? That's where I used to live down there. How long was it? I mean, from L.A. 45 minutes every day. In traffic? Yeah, about an hour then in traffic. Yeah, yeah. Every day I would drive there and back, there and back for months. How long did it take before she kissed you? It took about a month. A month, no kisses. No kisses.

No, she would do things like spit in my face and stuff. I swear to God. Which is just as like a bit? As a sexual. Oh, that was hot. That was like, ooh, yeah. Took a while to kiss. And then eventually, because what I needed to seal the deal was her to come to L.A., to come to the comedy store. To see you perform. Not only see me perform, but see, because I think she thought I was a lower level comic.

She didn't know who you were at all. She did. I mean, in the comedy world. She knew about bad TV and all that stuff. That's what I mean. She knew you as an actor. Yeah, but she didn't know, right? So once I brought her to the comedy store, you have to bring a girl to the comedy store. Well, they have to, anytime you're dating someone, whether it's brand new or it's late in the relationship, you always need to

let them see that you're doing well yeah to give them some semblance of like a hope hey you know i'm like yeah not i'm not i'm not shitting the bed i'm actually like this i'm actually that's only and that's only because oftentimes people just go yeah i know my buddy's a stand-up comedian oh what is he yeah he does it like i think in june he does it like once every june every june maybe like once a year or twice a year yeah and then we're we become that same guy in their mind oh you do stand up

Oh, when do you do it? Every fucking waking minute of my life. Every night of my fucking life. Oh, I've never seen you. Or you're in a cafe in the Midwest, right? You're on a gig. Yeah. Right? And you're at a cafe and some guy will walk up to you and sit next to you or whatever. Doesn't know who you are. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? And I go, oh, I'm a comic. And he goes, hey, you live in Los Angeles? I go, yeah. You know Frankie Rice? And I go, Frankie Rice? No, how would I know him?

He does comedy as well. Oh, I say yes. Oh, you do? Every time. All right, let's do this. No matter who it is. Let's do this fucking conversation. We're in Ohio. I'm just eating soup at a little restaurant by myself. Hey, my redheaded friend. Hey, how are you? Hey, my name is Bill. What's your name? I'm Andrew. Oh, hello, Andrew. Nice to meet you. Wow, what a...

What great weather today, huh? It is, yeah. Yes. I haven't seen you. I come to this coffee shop a lot. I haven't seen you around. Yeah, I don't live here. Where do you live? Can I get the check? I live in Southern California. Oh. Yeah. I've never been to California. I've never left the state. Well, you should go. Oh, well, you should go because it's a great place. What do you do? What do you do for a living there? I'm going to pay for his stuff as well. Thank you.

Thank you. What do you do, Andy? I'm in, I'm actually in town doing stand-up. You do stand-up? Wow. Yeah, I'm at the club here. I'm just at the club right up the street. You must know Debra Nickelback. Oh, yes. Yes, I do. You know Debra Nickelback? Do you keep in touch with her?

Well, she died. She did die. Yeah, she died. Oh, God, yeah. But she did stand-up comedy as well. Right, I remember her. She was great. She was very good. In fact, she was so good that that's somebody that I looked up to for a long time. That's someone I love. Yeah. I love her. And for an African-American woman to do stand-up. Thank you very much. To do stand-up in the... Yes. She wasn't African-American. She was white. She was white. She was white.

But she was always tan. I do. I have to lie my way through it. When someone does that, there's no advantage of you have to just go for it. You got to. I just go. Yes, I think I've heard of him. Yeah. Because if you say no, then they're going to go, huh? You know, Bryce Mickelson? No. Huh? You know, Adam Chetlihan?

No? Yeah. Huh. And they just keep digging to think. And then they'll just shoot for the moon. Then they'll do a big name that they know you don't know. This is what I do. You do me now. Okay. Yeah, well, just a table for one. Are you Bobby Lee? No, you're supposed to not know who I am. Oh, fuck. The same scenario you were in. Oh, yeah, sorry. Same fucking scenario? What the fuck are you doing? I haven't acted in a long time. All right, go ahead. Hold on. Yeah, I'll just take a booth here. That's fine. Hey, man.

I haven't seen, I've never seen you here. At all. Oh, hi. Hey. Are you, uh, are you, are you new in town or something? I'll be real. Uh,

No, I always open like that. Yeah, I always open like that. Hey man, how are you? Good, man. Good, good. Good? Yeah. It's crazy out there today. Isn't that nuts? That car accident happened on 9-88? Yeah, I didn't. Yeah. You didn't read about it this morning? Did you watch the morning news? No, man. With Ken and Kerry? Yeah, I'm not from around here. Oh, you're not a Loke? I'm not a Loki. Oh, where are you from? Oh, I'm from, I live in Los Angeles. Los Angeles.

Wow. Yeah. The big city. That's right, Captain. What goes on over there, huh? You must be a Hollywood guy. Cocaine nights, my friend. Really? Yeah. No, I'm kidding. Are you a Hollywood guy? No, no. I'm just a working. I just do stand-up. Shut up. Yeah. You're a stand-up comic? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Where are you performing? Are you in town performing?

Yeah. The club right up here in the street? Yeah, the Chuckle Fuck Factory. Son of a gun. Yeah. Son of a gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do those tickets cost? Maybe me and my wife will go. It's sold out. It's sold out? It's sold out, yeah. Wow. Well, they must have given away a bunch of tickets or something. That's wild. I didn't even know. They didn't even tell me that they were selling them. I don't do comps. What does that mean?

Yeah, I don't. You know, I have because I'm a special act that I don't have. Oh, you're a handicapped guy. No. And I was going to say that when I saw you when I walked up.

No, but honestly, yeah, no, I didn't know. So you do comedy. That's what, you know, I know some guys that moved out there to do comedy. Yeah. And they're doing really well. Yeah. They're doing very well. I want to know. Hold on for a second. Yeah. Let me get my notebook and pen. Okay. So I can write it down. Well, just some guys that I grew up with. Go ahead. Tell me the names, please. I'm very eager to hear it. Well, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt.

Now, if that happened. If he starts naming names that you know. Yeah, I would be like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I do know them. I actually have had a guy tell, I had an Uber driver name someone that we did know. I was in Jersey. I was somewhere on the East Coast. Oh, no, I was doing, yeah, I was doing Stress Factory in Jersey. And he goes, where are you going? I said, I'm going to do this comedy club.

And he goes, oh, cool. I know a comic out there in New York. I said, oh, yeah, you know New York guys? I'm an L.A. guy. He goes, oh, cool, yeah. Do you know so-and-so? No, no, I don't know who that is. Yeah, sorry. But I know a lot of them. Then he's like, you know Mark Norman? I was like, yeah, do you know Mark? He's like, yeah, I know him well. As a friend, I was like, oh. And then it shook me. I was like, oh. Oh, right, right. Okay. And then it kind of became like,

Well, what do you want to talk about then? Right. Because you make this barrier of like, I know he's not going to know and we're not going to – this is going to be weird. But then we started chatting about comedy and I was like, oh, okay, cool. Yeah, I mean I can only get there with people that are either –

Podcast friends? Sure. I can't do it with people that are like fans of mine from other mediums, I guess. Like TV? Like Mad TV or whatever. It doesn't feel like they know me. Yeah. Right? But with podcasting, they know me. Or I can talk to people that are in a 12-step group.

Like I've been on the road where I'll be in the bathroom somewhere at a restaurant or something. And then I'll hear two guys talk about the book. And then I'll go, oh, I'm a friend of Bill W. Right. And then they'll go – and it always changes the relationship almost as if we're instant friends.

kind of a part of the club. You're akin to one another because... Yeah, so then, you know, they're just a, you know, we speak the same language, I guess. So I like that. You know, that's so funny that there's this unspoken bond that addicts have in the same way that comics, no matter where you are, you just meet a comic, you're like, oh, okay. Yeah. If they're a working comic, you right away are like, oh, dude, we have this thing. I talked to Brad Garrett on my show and, you know, I said that Brad's anniversary was coming up and Richard Lewis's anniversary just happened for 26 years of sobriety. Mm-hmm.

And I was asking how like his generation bonds over that over the years, because obviously all the people that got sober in his generation stayed alive. A lot of guys that didn't in that generation are fucking dead. Yeah. Which is crazy because on our generation, we didn't lose a lot of guys. Yeah.

Yeah, because I think it's not as – They lost a lot of guys to drugs. Because back in the day, it was like something that people enabled each other to do. But now it's like when you're a full-blown drug addict, you can't even get into the clubs really. Well, they don't want to do it anymore. It's difficult to survive because it's just like – it's just a completely different game. Whereas before – like I saw a documentary where Richard Pryor was on a movie set. High. Not only high. He was smoking crack.

On set, you know what I mean? And the PA's like, Richard, we need you on set. Yeah. He's like, come on, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, sir, he's smoking crack in the trailer. It was sort of enabled or, you know. Well, it was almost because they were such, you know, they were such big stars that were drug addicts, people like Pryor or Farley. Yeah. That it was like, fuck, we need them because they're so valuable. Yeah. That what are they going to do? They're going to tell them no and then they're going to tell them to go fuck themselves. Yeah. And then they're like, eh. That's the problem is there's no balance to that because you're not going to be able to tell an addict to stop when they're in the middle of it, especially if they're

It's like when someone tries to say to Trump that he can't do something and he's like, I already did it and I'm the best. Yeah. Tell the guy that won presidency that he can't do anything. And you're like, really? Because I did that. So that's the same idea. If you're an addict, you're like –

I'm fucking killing it. Who's to say that I'm not doing it right? So it's hard to communicate that to them. But also that kind of behavior though isn't like tolerated anymore. Like for instance... Well, no. Times have changed. Like in that movie Island of Dr. Moreau with Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer. Yeah. One day they just completely shut down production because...

Val Kilmer refused to go on set if Marlon Brando didn't get there first. And Marlon Brando refused to go on set if Val Kilmer didn't get there first. So they just shut down the fucking day. In this day and age, yeah, the network would come, the studio would come down and go, all right,

Josh Brolin and Brad Pitt are coming in. Get the fuck out. Right. You know what I mean? They just wouldn't tolerate it. No, it would be a – you get wiped clean. Somebody wrote an article that I thought was very funny. I don't know if it was like an Onion thing or something, but they said, facts you don't know about celebrities, and it's got to be a bit. But it said Ben Affleck refused to shoot for six days on Geely because they made him wear a Yankees hat.

Yeah, yeah. But like that would be the level of you can't do that shit anymore. I don't know. I just think that like, well, you know what? Like here's what's changing in the business genuinely. When you told me about selling the show and I was genuinely happy for you and I said, what's it about?

And it's about a Korean spa in South Los Angeles, correct? In Koreatown. In Koreatown. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was in South LA. No, it was in Koreatown. It's fine. And I thought that's great. And I said, who'd you do it with? And we don't have to say his name if you don't want to. Yeah, Peter. Okay, Peter. And I said, who's Peter? I don't know Peter. And you said he is a, what'd you say? You said he's Korean. A fat Korean. A fat Korean. Gay guy. Gay guy. And I said, perfect. Perfect.

Why? Because that's who you need to write that show. Because if you said to me, I'm going in there with Dan Greenfield, I'd be like, well, get someone Korean to write the fucking Korean spa show. It's funny that you say that. And I don't like really talking about stuff that really isn't real yet because selling a show isn't real to me. Well, then we don't have to. No, it's fine. I like to talk about it because I think it's important. I think it's fucking important. Yeah. Right?

But there is something about going in – because I've pitched shows with older white guys. And famous, famous. Famous showrunners, and it just doesn't work. There's something about going in with a kid who's young, gay, Asian. And in this climate, it's almost as if once he does his thing in the pitch – What's his thing? He just does this – and he gets so – he does his thing.

What, what, what, what, he'd like blow one of the executives? No, no, no, no, no. He's like, so here's the show. He just kind of turns it up. Yeah, he gazed it up. Is that what you're trying to say? No, I'm not saying that. You just did. I didn't. I'm just saying that he does a thing. Sure.

And once he does that, right, it's like, oh, we're going to sell this. Are you gay on the show? No. Is there a gay character on the show? He's gay. On the show? Yeah. Okay, great. Right. And I called you on the phone and I said, is there a white, angry, redheaded guy who maybe works in the shop next door? What's great about the show is that because it's – Is their landlord a white, angry, redheaded guy? No. Oh, the guy that – We have a part in the show, right, that you could play.

And he – because what I love about pitching a show like a Korean spa is that – because we have patrons that come in or regulars. It's like cheers. Yeah, where everybody knows your – Everybody knows everyone. Everybody knows your balls. And in Korean spas, if you haven't been to a Korean spa, it's like you'll see – everyone goes there, Hispanics, black people. Yeah, yeah. It's very multicultural. Yeah, it's very multicultural. But it's –

70% Korean dudes. Older Korean dudes, right? Yeah, it's mostly Korean guys in their 80s, which is wild. I love it. But there is a character in my show that he is a limo, like a limo.

I'm a limo driver. Yeah. Okay. And so you're always in the steam room at night. Love it. But you're always with other celebrities. Love it. Because you're a limo driver for celebrities. So before they take them home, I say, do you want to go to a spa? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. And you're always complaining about things. And sitting next to you is always like, you know, a big guy. But they don't say anything. A famous guy. So hopefully one day if the show goes right, we could have like somebody. You're just going on these rants. I love it. And you're next to like, you know.

Whoever it might be. Tom Cruise. Oh, Tom Cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love to be in a spa with Tom Cruise. Yeah. You know what else you could do? Because every time I used to go to the old, when I lived near Mid-City, I would go to the old, the Korean spa that's connected to the driving range on Wilshire. You know, it's a driving range and then the Korean spa's in. Yeah. So I could work at the driving range. Well, my cruise...

Blue Chew. Hey, guys. You remember the days when you were always ready to go? Now you can increase your performance and get the extra confidence in bed. Listen up. BlueChew.com. That's blue like the color blue. Yeah, brings you the first chewable with the same FDA-approved active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. It's going to get it.

Pumped up. Pumpy. I've liked it. I've used it. Yeah, I used it. It really does work good. You can get a couple of good sessions in there. You can take them anytime, day or night. They're prescribed online by licensed physicians. You don't have to go to the doctor's office, so get rid of all that. And guess what? They're made in the USA.

That's right, baby. And since Blue Chew prepares and ships direct, they're cheaper than a pharmacy, no awkwardness, and you don't have to even leave the house. And they got a special deal for the listeners right now. Go to bluechew.com and get your first shipment for free. That's it. For free when you use the special promo code. BadFriends. That's right. That's B-L-U-E-Chew.com. Promo code. BadFriends. It's better, cheaper, faster choice. We thank them for sponsoring the pod. Remember, support our sponsors. You support us. You make this possible. Thank you. Use the promo code BadFriends at BlueChew.com.

TheraOne. Man, this CBD product really works well. It's the best one in the market, guys. I love it. Yeah, it's really incredible. I have sore back muscles often in my legs and lower back from running a lot, and I love using this stuff to help me calm down. And every time there's an earthquake, he has to use it on his body because he gets so scared. Because I get so tense and tight and shaky. And you go...

Whoa! But hey, man, tight muscles, tough works out, signs of aging that are simply making it hard for us. The easiest solution is use CBD by TheraOne. This stuff is incredible. It is the percussive therapy treatment. Theragun is the people that are behind this. The benefits of CBD in their treatments they found are unbelievable for the body. You know, they get rid of toxins in your body. In fact, when I came here today...

Andrew, even without this ad, was saying, man, I've been using this TheraOne. It really does work. No, seriously, I didn't know we were doing a read today, and genuinely, I do really like it. They sent it to me, and I used it on my neck and my lower back, and I really like it. Now through Labor Day, Monday, September 7th, TheraOne is offering our listeners a buy one, get one free for all TheraOne products.

You've got to go to theragun.com slash bad friends. If you don't love what you get from TheraOne, send it back for a full refund with 30 days of purchase. This is not something TheraOne is likely to do again. Buy one. Get one free at theragun.com slash bad friends. Only until Labor Day. Go now to theragun.com slash bad friends. My Korean spa is called Hyundai Spa. I'm going to tell you because I don't want people to flood there. Like the car company? Yeah, I think it's spelled the same way. Hyundai's own. Do they own them? No. Because they own a lot of stuff.

Well, my spa is in an alleyway. There's no sign, really. Oh, so it's not a nice spot. No. Okay. And it's been there forever. And it's 24 hours. Of course. Why would you shut down? You walk in. There's an old Korean lady there. You pay $20, $15. And you walk in, and it says, Hyundai Spa, we do your taxes. Shut up. I'm not fucking kidding you. We do your taxes. They do taxes? Yes.

Barbershop. All right. Ping pong arena. Love that. Right. They do all kinds of stuff. Wait a minute. Wait. What is taxes? It is way out there. I know, but it says it. Barbershop ping pong is like athletic, get it cleaned up. But taxes is like. I think Han, the guy, because there's this guy named Han. He's a Korean man. He owns it. He's like a 70-year-old man. And this guy Han, right?

He only goes at 2 in the morning. It's his own spa. So he also used to have a headshot of me. Because I've been going there for years since Mad TV days. Yeah. He used to have a Mad TV, you know what I mean, headshot of me. And when you would walk into the lobby, it would just be a headshot of me framed, right? It was just one of those, you know. Did you sign it? Yeah, I signed it, right? And then when my career started just depleting –

Because after Mad Teef, there was like an eight-year gap where I didn't do anything. I know. I remember. He just took it off. He completely took it off. And so now there's like a dust, you know what I mean? Just an outline of where you used to be. An outline of where the fuck you used to be. He didn't fucking fill it, right? So whenever I walk in there, there's just this dust ring. What about now? He wouldn't put it back up? No. You're killing it now. There's no way.

That's so mean. It's so mean. Han, put the fucking picture back up. But this dude, right, at 2 in the morning, asked my brother, or asked Pauly, Pauly Short, because I brought Pauly Short, which was the biggest regret. Why? So Pauly's always there, right? And I try to see if his car is in the parking lot, because if it is, I won't go in. Because you don't want to talk? No. I'll tell you what he does. As I walk in, and if he's there, he'll be completely naked with two Korean men. He's touching them.

And he goes, Chinese people are the most beautiful people in the world. And he sings that out loud. But he's right. I know. And then we'll be in the steam room and he'll go, Chinese people. Does he not know it's a Korean spa? He doesn't care. Do you think he knows where Korea is compared to China? He does. But, you know, Pauly has always been – he was raised with Asians, right?

Because I don't know if you know this, but the Comedy Store staff used to be Thai. Well, yeah. I mean, what's his name? He has a Thai food restaurant down in Santa Monica. Right. So he used to be Thai, so he was kind of raised by them. So he has this weird affinity for Asians. But Thai is much different than Korean. He doesn't see the difference. Well, that's good. That's good. I don't see color. I see Asians. So when Paul is there, it's just a sense of dread.

But I get that way. Don't you get that way about a lot of things when you see – I've avoided going into places when I see someone I know just because I'm like, I just can't. I can't do it. I was going to go get one of my favorite Mexican restaurants right here near the house. And as I'm getting out of my car, I see someone waiting for a pickup order that we know, and I just didn't want to talk. Yeah. And I just got in my car, and I left because I was like, I don't feel like chatting. I love seeing somebody I don't want to talk to first.

Because once they see you, it's like Warzone. Once they see you, you're dead. You're dead. Right? You've got to see them first. It's that moment of, oh, no. Right. And then you're in the gulag. So that when I see them, right, I can do a route. Or I do what Michael McDonald always taught. Always have your phone. Yeah, get on your phone. On your hand. When you're in public, always have your phone so that when he sees someone beeline towards you, you're talking to him. And it's got to be something crazy. What do you mean dad's dead? Dad's dead.

I'm coming home now. Yeah, like one of those. Yeah, you have to have some kind of emergency. Back to Han, though, at two in the morning, what he does. I have people that back him. If you walk in the steam room, Han, this 70-year-old Korean dude who owns the whole thing, right? Is he in good shape? Yeah, he's ripped. He loves me, too. Those old Korean dudes are ripped all the time. He puts his hands behind his back like this, and he never sits. He's standing in the middle of the steam room.

So he's standing like this, right? Yeah. And he makes these noises. Oh, yeah. Hooders. Hooders. Hooders. You know what I mean? What is it? What? I don't know. Is it ab workout? His dick is this big. Oh, he's a heavy hitter. Yeah, he's got a big old Louisville. It's like, I know this guy. I know this guy. And he's just standing there. You know what I mean? Hooders. Hooders. Is it moving like an elephant tusk? No, it's just, yeah, I guess. When he goes, hooders. Yeah, but it's always mid-hard.

Yeah. You know, it's like. Because he's up here. He's a thinker. He's a thinker. He's a thinker, right. And once you walk, you can't just go, excuse me, and close it like someone's taking a shit or something. No, you just have to get in. So you have to go, oh, I got to go in, right? Do you have to like pay homage to the penis? Do you have to like tug on it and go? No, he always, and I hate it because he always says hi to me. He goes, oh, there he is. Comedy, comedy, there he is.

Oh, right? And I go, hi, how are you? It's good to see you. And he goes back, who do you, who do you? And he does his thing. You know what I mean? It's fucking so weird. He's going to live forever, by the way. He probably will. Yeah, that's one of those guys. I think, but be honest with me. Are you ever concerned with the sanitary...

The sanitization of that place? Well, I think, you know, because you know I have gang... Not gangrene. I have massive foot fungi. I think gangrene is... What's gangrene? Gangrene is where it's going to fall off. Yeah. No, you have fungus infection. You have an infection. And I got it from the spa. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, of course. And I think that because of this COVID thing, it's a cesspool for... Do you walk around without flip-flops? Not only that, I walk around free, baby. But wait a minute. I'm okay with the nudity, but you don't wear flip-flops on your feet? No.

What does free mean, baby? Bro, I'm walking. If I go there, I'm walking with aqua socks. You know, those white guy aqua socks. Yeah. I just don't like that about public gyms is my biggest beef. But it's, you know, I brought Ian Edwards there once. That's hilarious. Yeah. And I said, you got to be completely naked. He said, nah, nah. No. I don't do that, son. I don't do that. I don't do that, son. So then we're like, I'm getting naked. I go in to inside the steam room.

And Ian Edwards walks in, and he's wearing, and number one. A bathing suit. No. Yellow basketball shorts. Like Lakers. Lakers. Lakers. And I go, where'd you find it? He goes, I found it in the lobby. What, he just took someone else's shorts? Yeah, because he didn't know what to do. All right. Because he doesn't want to be naked. Why do you think it is? Just not his thing? It's just not his thing. Yeah. You know, it's not his thing. There's some guys that aren't comfortable with it. It's not his thing. Who else have I brought there? I brought...

Jay Davis there, Steve Byrne, people like that. I like Steve Byrne a lot. Yeah. He's a good egg. He's a good dude. He's one of those guys that I think has always made me laugh, and I wish nothing but the best for someone like that. Honestly. Are you being honest? Yeah, because I really like... He's never been... He's always been positive and always been funny. Yeah, he's a nice guy. It's like a weird loophole in our business where you're like, he's funny and he's very sweet. Yeah, he really is a sweet guy. So why... I wonder why he's not... Well, I mean...

More. Do you know how I met him? This is even sweeter. When you guys were on tour, right? No. No? So I'm in L.A. I'm broke. Like, I'm dirt broke. Right. And I lived in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake with 11 guys. What? Yeah, I lived in- What are you, a fucking migrant worker? What are you talking about? They used to call it the dumpster. Yeah, sounds like it. Yeah, yeah. And it was like we had a-

I'm not kidding you. A 50-year-old guy named Dave, homeless guy, lived there. We had a 17-year-old runaway from Beverly Hills, a girl. A rich kid, though. A meth head, though. Yeah, but she'll go back. And she was able to stay there. I can't say her name, but she was able to stay there because she cleaned the house. Because she was on meth all the time. Yeah, she would take a toothbrush. At 5 in the morning, you go...

And she was just cleaning the fucking living room. Yeah. Or the, you know, whatever, the living space. A responsible method is kind of cool, though. My brother, Steve, lived in my closet. Like, just on the floor? Yeah. Where did you keep any of your stuff? Did you have clothes? No clothes. Just a pile. We would share, community. Grab it. But so, we were living there, and, but for some reason, I did the Tonight Show. Jay Leno. Really? Yeah. Wow. So I took a bus there to Burbank. To the Tonight Show? Yeah. Wow.

And so I was just – and this is right when phones came out. Cell phone. Like the Nokia. With Snake? Yeah, with Snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get a call, and it's Steve Byrne. I don't know him. And he goes, hey, man. I'm Steve Byrne. I'm a comic. I go, what? And he goes, I live in New York. I'm just grinding it out. I go, yeah. He goes, oh, by the way, the reason – I got your number from Barry Katz. Oh.

And he goes, I saw your Tonight Show, man. Really inspiring. Oh, wow, dude. And I was just like...

Because no one ever has said good job on that, you know? Well, comics don't... It's hard for comics if you don't... No one says good job. Right. Right? Unless you're best friends. So for him to do that was so fucking... It was very important to me at the time. And then when he moved up here, moved to LA, we just became very good friends. There's only a few times... Small moments like that when comics do stuff, you know they mean it because they don't have to say it. Unless they're your friends. Yeah. Look, the one of the most meaningful moments of my career was, you know...

Bill Burr tweeted at me after I put out my special on Showtime in 2017, and I didn't love it. I was kind of bummed about it. I think I rushed into it. Whatever. But he said something so nice in the tweet, and I texted him to thank him. And I was sitting on my patio, and I got emotional because it meant a lot to me. He didn't need to say anything. Publicly, he could have been like, hey, man, good stuff.

But it was just him doing that out loud for other people to hear. It just meant a lot to me. Yeah, he's a guy with real strong ethics. Well, he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. Yeah. Bill doesn't need to do that. No, no, he's just not one of those kind of guys. Like I...

You know, when I'm a... And because... I like people that are flawed and aren't ethical. Right. Right? People that have issues. Yeah, like you. And like you. Exactly. That's where we're two peas in a pot, baby. Two peas in a pot. Do you think we're peas? Whatever. But with Bill... You're like a water chestnut. And I'm like a baby carrot. Yeah, you always just like... But with Bill what? Sorry. My mind wanders. Oh.

With Bill. Because he has such strong ethics and stuff, I can't – he'll see through my bullshit. He sees through everybody's bullshit. So then I have to be at my full supreme Bobby mode. Yeah. And I don't like it. Well, you're – I've seen you when you've got your P's and Q's together when you're trying to be like –

you know, a good boy and like focused, it's not who you are. It's not who I am. It's phony baloney. Yeah. And I think he sees through it. So one time, you know, Sebastian had some sort of like pizza party. Does he have his own pizza oven? Yeah. Yeah. No, he has Italians there, like real chefs. He bought a couple of Italians, I heard. Yeah. He paid for them online and flew them out here. His house is – she's been there. I know. I see his online. He posts every other week. It's a new area of his home. It's crazy.

So I – You know I'll never own a home like that. You will. No way. I mean you would be able to afford one. I never could. In my mind, I'm so scared of that kind of stuff because it scares me. I think – I don't want to be like Ed McMahon. You know who Ed McMahon is? Shut up. You know who Ed McMahon was? Yeah, he was Johnny Carson's sidekick. Right. Do you know – Don't talk to me like that. Like I don't know who – I'm a part of comedy. I know, but sometimes I – Shut up. Sometimes I think you might not know. Yeah. Sometimes I think you might not know.

Ed McMahon, at the end of his career, truth be told, couldn't afford his house. They put a lien on his house. Oh, really? Yeah, but that's my point. I think sometimes when you buy stuff that's so much, that's my fear. Obviously, Sebastian's fine, but you'd think Ed McMahon would be fine. So why did they have to seize his house? He just wasn't paying his mortgage. And then when he was dying, it was like, we're going to have to take it back. The bank's going to take back your house. Yeah, but if he's dying, why would he give a fuck? Because then all your finances for your children and your children's children are fucked.

Oh, that's true. Then you fuck them over. Then they have to pay for all your debt. That's my biggest fear is leaving debt for other people. Back to Sebastian, though. Oh, sorry. My bad. Sorry. Big house. Sorry. Yeah. It's so hard to keep track with you sometimes. Yeah. I'm like a tree. I know because we go this way and I go this way. And then in my head, I have to go. I have to still keep this as a thing because I was starting this story. But the road less traveled. I'm going to meet you there at the end. We're going to get there. I just want to go to the I want to I want to get leaves. It's a really good mental exercise for me, though.

That's what this is. So thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. Being with you here is such a big mental exercise for me. But that's a good thing. Because, you know, not only am I talking, but there's a sense of rage that happens inside me. Same. I can see it. Yeah. Yeah.

Like when we got into a fight outside before the show started? It was crazy. Well, first of all, you screamed at me. I did. You know why? Why? Because you belittled what I wanted in my life. It's belittling. You were belittling. It's a belittling thing. You belittled me. You did that to yourself. You belittled me after I went and got you coffee, cigarettes, and Red Bull. And I said, I had to cancel. After I went and got you coffee, cigarettes, and Red Bull. I had to cancel. Have you ever bought anything for me like that? Have you ever gone to the store and bought me something that I... If I could text you and say, Bob, would you bring me... I asked you.

Would you bring me Diet Coke and coffee? I asked you to fucking bring me this because I'm not allowed to go to 7-Eleven or go anywhere. Whose problem is that? Because if I went to 7-Eleven with her to get cigarettes, she would have told on me. Stop being a snitch!

Stop snitching! Because then I have to do his dirty work. I'm asking for a fucking favor. Please. Could that include please in the text? Pitching a show to Fox yesterday is not the same as going to the boardroom of some country club to get in. Golf club. It's a golf club. All right. They're not the same thing. But it doesn't matter. It's my priority and your priority. I respected yours. You respect mine. All right. So the next time I will cancel. I will move for something ridiculous like, oh, you know what I mean? I'm shaving my legs.

Today's leg shaving and it's important to me. And you know what I would say? Yeah. If it's important to you, I'm down. All right, good. But you have to film it. No. Yeah. Then film your fucking board committee thing for the country club. I will. It's a club. It's not a golf club. It's a country club. No, it's not a country club. That's what they call it. No, it's a men's club. It's not a country club. Right. It's like saying, is that a car? No, it's a sedan. It's still a fucking car. No, not true. These are two separate things. Country clubs are for families. This is just a golf club. It's for golf. It's a men's club.

It's a men's club. There we go. That's even worse. Why? Do women go to the Korean spa that you go to, Bob? Yes. There's a women's division. Yeah, there's a women's place too. So they can't go with you in all the rooms. There is no women's in there. No, okay. So shut up. Yeah. It's the same thing. Interesting. Can you please say thank you for getting you coffee and cigarettes and Red Bull? Oh my God. It'll be my... I will never. Because you didn't say thank you. I will never say it. Why? You didn't say... Why? Why?

Because you just said, get me this stuff. And you didn't even say thank you to me. I'll tell you why. Why? Because the day I met you, let me just finish without you interrupting. Okay, I'll put the mic away. Okay. There are just certain things when you meet certain people. You know, I believe in an afterlife. I believe that people, we have other lives, right? And when I met you, it was almost my soul knew your soul and said, you know what? I've known this guy before in past lives.

And we're intricately entwined, our destinies, right? And there's almost a love that you can't describe or you can't really even look up in a dictionary. It really is something that is – there's no words to describe it. Yeah.

And when I met you and I've done this with a lot of comics where I meet them and I go, you know what? We've known each other before. So there's just unsaid things, you know. And and so when I ask you because I'm in trouble. Right. And you do that for me. I don't really find the need to thank you for it because I would do the same. And we're beyond that kind of language. I would thank you. I would absolutely thank you.

Such a dick. I'm not. I refuse. That's fine. Yeah, I refuse. So can you finish your Sebastian about his big house that you love so much? No, no, no. So I saw Bill there with his wife and his baby. The best. And I have a plate full of pizza. And I walk by. I know they locked eyes with me. So I just kind of, I got to go. Right? So I sit there and I go, what's your baby's name? Uh-oh. You know what I mean? And he says that. And he goes...

How's the company going? And he goes, hey, man, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah. What are you doing? I go, I don't know, man. I just get nervous. He doesn't make you nervous. Because I know you're doing a great job on the podcast. Thanks for being a part of our company. That's nice. Yeah, yeah. That's very nice. Yeah. I get really nervous around him. Him, Rogan, I get nervous. Papas. Yeah, the big Papas. Yeah, yeah. He called me the other day. They're prepared to leave. He's ready to move. Yeah, I know. They move at the end of the month.

Joe is? Joe's gone. Where? To Austin. Yeah. They're gone. He's ready to rock. He called me last night and we talked for a while. And it was just wild. It's wild that he's gone. He's leaving. He's like, he's ready to go. A new chapter in his life. You know, there's three other comics that called me and they're selling their houses. They're leaving. Let me guess. Paula Poundstone. I'm not allowed to say. Margaret Cho. Not allowed to say. Okay.

But there's a bunch of guys leaving. People are gone. People are leaving. Because they don't like the stringent rules. They don't like L.A. anymore? I think that they don't like the liberal vibes. Oh, so they're – They want more freedoms. I'll just say that. Sure, yeah. One of them is like he was saying, I want to move because of my kids, the school system and this and that. But I know what his ideology is.

But I have heard that, that people are – because LAUSD is tough. Yeah. It's tough. I mean, you know, like I went to public school as a kid. Did you go to public school or did you go to private school? Public. And, you know, I don't think they were the best in Chicago, but they were fine. Yeah, they were fine. So I don't know if it's like that up here anymore because you went to public in SD. I went to a really good school district, Poway High I went to. We've talked about it before. Yeah, you were in the Hall of Fame. No, I'm not. But, you know –

It's probably the darkest time of my life. High school, public school. Yeah. I have no good... I have a couple of good memories, but generally it was a lot of, like, dick-sucking and drugs. I'll just say that. Thank you for being a... Yeah. High school wasn't totally black for you. There was moments where it was kind of nice, right? Well, I went to three rehabs in high school. Cool. Yeah, I didn't have a girlfriend. Didn't make love to anybody. Hmm. Um...

tried to be friends with the popular people. But you didn't get kicked out of school. That's nice. I did. But then you got to graduate. Because every time I would go get kicked out, I would always go through a rehab. And then, you know, through the rehab, I would be able to get back into school saying that I'm sober, but then I would relapse. It was like one of those things. Sad. And, um...

But, you know, when I was 17 is when I got sober. And it was my junior year in high school. And I think from junior year when I got sober until I graduated was pretty bright, I guess. Because, you know, my senior year I was completely sober. I was going to AA meetings. I was, like, very active. You feel so much better when you're clean, huh? I just – I'm not good in a drug run. Because I go hard. In a binge. I go hard, dude. Right. Right.

I go hard and I'm blind to it all and I don't give a fuck. What do you think my drug would be if I was going to get into drugs and slip away? You're like a whiskey guy. Well, that does happen. Yeah, that happens to me sometimes. You just have an alcohol temperament. So no drugs. I don't see you as a meth guy. No. Yeah, I don't see you as a pothead.

Do you smoke pot? I did for years, and I don't think I do anymore. I've talked about that. Did your wife smoke pot? No, no. I mean, it's just not pot. I smoked pot since I was 15, and for high school I smoked all the time, almost every day. College I smoked constantly. Then when I got out, I would smoke, and I'd go through phases. In the past five years of my life, I smoke intermittently.

once in a great while. Yeah. And one day I had a bag of weed the size of this room at my house because of, um, we have a friend who's in the comedy world that owns a company. And I literally just called up my buddy and I was like, Hey, come over and pick up this weed. I just don't even think I need it. I don't want it anymore. Yeah. And then since then, once in a while, if I'm at a party and someone has a joint, I'll hit the joint maybe. Yeah. But no, I don't,

I think booze is my biggest crutch. Yeah, I feel bad that I relapsed after 17 years of sobriety, but here's what I do like. I always, even when pot became legal in California and dispensaries opened up, I always in the back of my head went, what is that like?

To go to a dispensary? Yeah, because when I was a kid, I would have to search for days. It was so annoying to get caught. When you're a kid and you're in the suburbs, it would take days to get weed. Yeah, and it was also – And then you would get this mud, dirt. You'd get brickweed. You'd get shitty Mexican seeds brickweed. Yeah, but so I was wondering what that was like. So going into a dispensary and going to the expensive –

You know what I mean? It's wild. Oh, my God. Like the premium shit. The premium shit. I think being a pothead now is much cooler than it was when I was young. And then just imagine never having anything for 17 years and taking that first hit. Jesus. I mean, it was crazy. You had to disappear for a little while. I remember I got high in Hawaii because I was shooting Magnum P.I. And it took me from my hotel room.

To the restaurant. There was this 24 pancake house by my, right? It took me like an hour to get there. And it's two minutes away. Just like getting up and. Yeah, because I hadn't been high in almost 20 years. And right. And you're just, you know, it just took me forever. It's heavy. It's heavy. And I was laughing the whole time. Yeah.

Hey, let me, let's explain. You've got to go to your country club soon. Stop it, golf club. Let me explain what's going on real fast. So we have a poster here that you can see behind us. Look, thank you to the fans that wanted the shirts on the back of Rudy's chair or the shirts there. We had over 2,500 emails, entries to get the shirts, right? So we had a computer algorithm print out

A random assortment of names that made it up to this level. That was the only way to do it. So there's about 200 and something names. I don't even know how many names are up there. And it's a target. And who's on the target, Jules? George. George is. And now George in this picture is what, Jules? What is he there? He's holding a gun. But what would you assume he would be then? He's a...

A target? A target. He's a target because he's a bad guy, right? So I figured the best way to do it, Bob, to get the shirts out to our fans would be to have Jules shoot at the target. What do you think? I love it. You think that's good? I'm going to not be in the room. No, we have to be in the room. But I have to be in the back. We'll be behind her. Yeah, because I'm not going to be here. All right, so do you want to shoot this now? Well, let's do it while we're here.

While you and I sit here? Yeah. You want her to shoot between us? Yeah. Wait, on his head? Anywhere on the board. Are you brave enough? You want to do it? I mean, yeah. You're not going to kill us, are you? No. Fuck, what if she hits one of us? I know, I know. Jules, do you really think you can hit this without hurting us? Yeah. Okay. You have to shoot it twice. Okay. Twice because we have to have two names. All right? Yeah. And then... I know. I know.

Okay, close that. Or can you come inside if you want? It doesn't matter. I just need to protect my face because I think she's going to shoot me in the face. Okay, Jules, come here. Get this gun and you're going to stand. All right, so the safety's off, so be careful. Okay? The safety's off. All you have to do is point forward and shoot it back up a little bit. Let's get you backed up until there. If you shoot me, I'm going to kick you out of the house. Let me close my computer because I don't want to... Wait, okay, so hold on. Hold on, Bob. Okay, so it's going to bounce. You know that. It's going to bounce and it might hit one of us anyway. Okay.

So are we good to go on that end? We're good. All right, I just want to protect my face because I don't want to get hit in the face. All right, you ready, Jules? Yeah. All right, shoot once, take a break, and then shoot again. But I want you to say, because George, I want you to go, die, George, and then die, George, twice. Is that cool? Die, George. Die, George, twice. All right, so are you ready, Andres? When you're ready, Jules, go ahead. Die, George. Again. Die, George. Did it get it? There's nothing there.

What do you mean? Where'd it go? Here, let me see the gun. There's nothing in there, just air came out. Let me see, let me see. No, here, you're fine, you're fine. The clip was, you hit this, you can't, this hits the clip out. Don't put your hand on that. The clip will fall out there if you go like that. So don't put your hand, don't put your thumb there. Okay. Oh my god. Alright. Holy shit. Alright, back up. Alright, here we go, you ready? Okay, go ahead. Okay, where did we hit? Where did we hit? Nothing.

How? Let me see. Let me see. There's bullets in there. How is there no holes in this? I'm going to shoot it just to see where it goes. Over there. Ready? Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Yeah, the bullet just came out. You heard it bounce. It never came out with her. Alright, come on. Try it again. It never came out with her. Alright, come on. Here we go. Try it again. Go ahead. Die, George, and do it. Die, George! Die, George!

Oh, yeah. Aim. Die, George. Did you hit it? It didn't know to aim. No. It didn't go? Do it again. Do it again. Get closer. Get closer. There you go. Go ahead. Die, George. That one hit my head. It's not hitting anything. What do you mean? No, it can't bounce. No way. Let me see. Let me try it. Hold on. Let me try. Close your eyes. Yeah, that one went through. Taylor Abilene. You see it?

Taylor Abilene. All right. Oh, so there is two Higgins. All right. So we have our two Trey Higgins and Taylor Abilene are they get the shirt? All right. So now I want you to just here's what I want you to do now. Just keep shooting it. Just rapid fire at it. Bop, bop, bop. Cause we have the two names now. Now just keep shooting it. Die George. Bop, bop, bop. Over and over. Just kill him. Go ahead. Keep going. All right. Good. Yay.

Very good. Rudy, come here. Come back behind here. Go behind Bob. You can. You want to shoot him? I think we need some more bullets. Yeah, hold on. I need to get some more bullets. Here, come here. Go behind him and stand behind here and hold the gun so we can sign off. Hold the gun like this. I'll put the safety back on. Like this, like you're hardcore.

There you go. Yeah. All right, here we go. And I want you to say it. Me and Bob will just watch you say it proudly. Ready? As loud as you can. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Good job, Jules.