Bad Friends Drinking Game
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Bro. What are you worried about? It's going to be fucking awesome. I read the reviews already. So they're so good. Yes, I did. Yeah, there's a bunch of reviews. There's no reviews. Dude, Variety said it's the hottest new game show this side of the Mississippi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did. Because I've been Googling it, too. What has it been saying? Nothing. I mean, Deadline put a fucking...

Yeah. Well, what are you going to do? You know? Drinking now?

I feel like I should have something, just in case. If I'm in the mood, I'm not going to have one unless I feel it. Take a shot. Not unless I feel it. I'm five months sober. Go ahead. Tempt me. No, no. Is that what you're doing? No. What do you mean? Five months sober now. Tempt me. You don't like drinking that much. Oh, I love it. I'm a drinker, too. Do you not want me to do this in front of you? No, I love it. I love living through you. This is a level of control that I know you have. Come on, man. You can do this. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bad Friends Drinking Game. Here's how you play. Every time Bobby Lee says... The thing is is that... Have a drink. Must be legal drinking age to play. But whatever, dude. We're not the fucking cops. Okay? So I have a hole in my tooth. Let me see. You want to see it? Yeah, I want to see your whole tooth. Alright, you gotta come closer. I can't do that.

Well, then you're not going to see it. You can't see it from there. How far is it? Or which one is it? It's way back here. There's a black hole. Oh. Yeah. Black hole tooth in my mouth. Yeah. And it's like, you know, one of those where you're like, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And at three in the morning, you wake up. Vibrating. It vibrates. And all of a sudden, and then spikes. Spike. Spike. And then you wake up and you go...

And then, oh, it's gone. You're going to make an appointment, though, now. My dentist said he's back next week. I said I'm coming in just to say hi. No, no, no. I might... I like the pain a little bit, so I'm going to wait a little bit. Yeah, you're a little sick. You're a sick fuck. Yeah. You're a sick fuck. You like pain. Well, I masturbate when I... It gets me hard. When it hurts the worst, then you're like... Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love it. But, so the hole in my tooth, and then...

There's a lot of fucking, and then the Chinese lady got her face kicked in. What Chinese lady got her face kicked in? Do you ever see that video? Did it just come out? Can I play you a video that I posted on the internet? First of all, we're talking about the Chinese lady. What's her name? Ching Chong Fat Fat. I don't know, man. I love Ching Chong Fat Fat. Yeah, but Ching Chong Fat Fat, these two African American gentlemen. Uh-oh, you can say what you were going to say. What were you going to say? Black guys. Okay, there it is.

And they kicked this Chinese lady in the face. Is it on the news? Can you see it? No, it was on the internet. Let me play this for you. Let me tell you. What is this white lady doing? This is a throwback. I post it again because timing-wise, it's pretty great. Let me see. Who is this lady, though? You know what? Maybe I, too, could be ninja. I want to be ninja. I want to be ninja.

I learn to chop real hard. I fight with credit card. I use my nunchucks even

Will you stop it? Look at this Asian lady in the very front. First of all... This video came out a long time ago, but I saw it again. I was deleting stuff. Let's just hear the chorus again. No, please don't. It's going to put me in a worse... I learn by ninja kicks.

While watching Netflix, I try to do everything like on the big screen. And you guys, you know what? What? I might do it. I might be a ninja soon. I'm gonna be ninja. This Asian lady, how is she standing there through this? There's four minutes of this. All right. First of all, if I was that Asian lady. I'm gonna be ninja. Turn it off. Turn it off. Okay, it's off. All right.

If I was that Asian lady, I'd already... I'm gonna chop, chop, chop chow down. Take chow down to Chinatown.

I'm gonna be ninja. It makes me so angry. It's like the rudest shit I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going through my folders on my phone. Because she doesn't realize how difficult. It's so rude. How difficult it is to be a ninja. Yeah, the levels are insane. She could never be ninja. Yeah, because there's different levels. Number one, you have to be able to climb a tree. She can't climb a tree. There's no way. There's no chance. Right. Number two, you have to have enough breath stamina to fucking do the blowgun.

Yeah. You gotta have that. She doesn't have any of that stuff. She doesn't have that. She has to be able to throw a star hard enough to puncture skin. Yeah. Yeah, she can't do that. She's gotta be sneaky as fuck. She's not sneaky at all. Imagine her being a ninja. What's that white lady in the tree? There's a white lady in the tree. What do you mean? That's a ninja. I'm ninja. Yeah, yeah. Ma'am, please get down. Yeah. Look at her skin, too. I practice every day.

Ninjas wear sunscreen. Ninjas wear... Oh, my God. All right, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

You know what this reminds me of? Do you know who this is, by the way? Who is that? This is a girl that sells Murphy beds in Orange County. She did this as a promo to sell Murphy beds. You know what Murphy beds are? No. The beds that go in the wall. The cabinet beds. You know, they pop out of the cabinets. Have you ever seen that? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old-timey Murphy beds. Yeah, that's what she's selling. She opened a Murphy bed company. This is like years ago. Yeah. But she put this out for promo. Let's hear the chorus one more time. No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. It's one of my favorite choruses.

She almost a ninja. Take Chow down to Chinatown.

This is the most racist shit I've ever heard of my life, and it makes me laugh so hard. This poor Asian lady. You know what's as hard as being a ninja? Why is she there? Being a Navy SEAL, right? Yeah, it's the hardest thing in the world. So it's imagining a Chinese dude or a woman. Yeah. I want to be Navy SEAL. You know what I mean? At a party. I don't think it's that offensive.

A Navy SEAL? Yeah. Well, if it was a Chinese lady doing it. Because ninja is a cultural thing. Right, right. I think it's what the accent is what's offensive about it too. It's very offensive. It's really good. You know, I'll be honest with you. I had a girlfriend once. Her name was Sarah and she lived in Louisville. I know who she is. Do you? I know her. She's a comic. Yeah, she was, right? Or she is? Yeah, she was. But she still does it. And –

Did she want to be ninja? No, I stayed at her parents' house. And she goes, so we're having a special dinner for you. This actually happened. This is so good already. I already know what it is. No, you do? No, no, I'm in my head. We're having a special dinner for you. So you have to sit in the – I guess white people in the Midwest or in the South, they have –

Yeah, we love basements. I've never been in a basement before. Well, there's a purpose for it. We have those in the Midwest for tornadoes and shit. We need to go down there. Also, extra square footage. It's really good. It's really great real estate. I was there for about 45 minutes. She comes down and Sarah's wearing kimono. Mind you, there's 20 people there. Her grandparents on both sides. Uncles, aunts, right?

So I go, what? Why are you wearing a kimono? You'll see. So we go upstairs. The whole place, right, has she put bamboo on the walls.

Okay. There's like swords on the wall too, like samurai swords. I like it. The grandmother, everyone, they wear the mascara, right? Chinese-sized mascara. I walk into the fucking dining room. They all... Shut up. I swear to God. They bowed to you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that? They said... What? Yeah, yeah. Right? And then...

She goes, take your shirt off. I go, why? You have to wear this shirt. It's an extra small Pokemon shirt. So I put this extra small Pokemon shirt on. And it's like, you know what I mean? Super tight. I can barely breathe. And I'm sitting there and then everyone's wearing chopsticks. But we're eating like...

What white people eat, like roast turkey. We usually eat – oh, what do you mean? Oh, no Chinese food at all? No. They didn't even try to make Chinese food? No, no, no. But I had to use – I remember using chopsticks to pick up stuffing, which is very difficult to do, by the way. Do you think her mom told – do you think that was a bit – she's funny, right? She was funny? Yeah, she's very funny. So do you think that was a bit? And everyone was laughing, having a good time. And I'm kind of laughing too. But deep down inside, this is the price you pay to get white pussy. Yeah.

Was it worth it? Oh, yeah. If you're an Asian dude and you want white pussy, sometimes you have to – Take one for the team. Take one for the team, yeah. You got to take the one for the team. They were a very funny, funny family. One time we were horseback riding. It was in Kentucky, and we're in the woods. And her dad just goes, see that tree right there? Yeah. I go, yeah. That's where we hang Chinamen. Were there any Chinese guys up there? No.

Oh. It's a joke. I know. And you're running along and you laugh. Yeah. You go, this is the price you pay for white pussy. And he literally goes, that's where we hang Chinese people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone laughs. They laughed? Oh, yeah. It's a joke. Sure. Yeah. It's a joke. Yeah. Hanging Chinese guys. So I've had like a lot of those situations. But that's the price you pay. It's the price you pay for white pussy. Yes. Damn. White pussy good, huh?

No. No? Because then you realize all pussies are the same. Yeah, it is. Right? Like if you eat white pussy, like if I close my eyes, you know, I guess the pussy looks, the colorization's different. But if I close my eyes and I looked black pussy, white pussy, and Asian pussy, I don't think I'd be like, hmm, that one tastes like wasabi or whatever. There's a difference. There's a difference. Wait, so if I, except we blindfolded you. Mm-hmm.

All right, so we did a contest, right? And we have an Indian pussy in front of you. Someone from India? Yeah. And you licked it. What would you taste? Yellow curry. Yeah. Black pussy. Oh, wow. That's weird. That's like... Do you have to lick it that much? Seven.

You like it. Redheads love black pussy. It tastes like corner store potato chips for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. I guess you're right. It's all the same. I can't believe we're actually talking about this in front of Rudy, by the way. Yeah, Rudy, yeah. This is terrible.

She's over 18. I know, but she shouldn't be in the room for that. We should kick her out for that stuff. Rudy, did you like the I Want to Be Ninja Lady? Yeah. You did? Get closer to the fucking mic, Rudy. That's going to be a shirt, by the way. Get closer to the fucking mic. Rudy, you don't find that to be offensive? It's offensive, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you something. If you were at that party, would you stay?

Like if you were that poor woman, there's one Asian woman they focus on right over her shoulder. That was you, right? If that's Rudy, if we're looking at this video again. Please don't play it again. If we're looking at this video. Please don't play it again. No, we're looking at this video. There she is. There's Rudy right there. That's you. That's Rudy. Obviously, look at the woman next to the Asian lady. Yeah, right here. She's smiling, right? Yeah, they're all kind of smiling. The Asian lady is definitely not. Do you know what she's thinking right there?

I'm going to kill you after this song. Look at the whole song, by the way. Every frame, she's just holding her composure. Yeah, every frame. Holding her composure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe she didn't hurt her. Yeah. Why didn't she kill her? She's in every fucking shot. And look at this old rich white guy. Oh, yeah, he loves it. I want you to be a ninja, too. You can be a ninja. I love you. Let me tell you something. You're a ninja girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Look at the big dude in the back. You're totally a ninja, man. I fucking love you. I love you, Jenner. I've never fucked a ninja before, but I'm going to fuck one tonight. You're the best. And she's like, I ain't on so much Xanax. I don't know where I am. Yeah, yeah. Wow. These are all real people in Orange County. This is very Orange County. Well, Orange County is... Look at this fucking moron's outfit. I know. Dude, these people loved it. They all want to be ninja. Yeah. I'm going to be ninja.

Damn, dude. Damn, dude. You know what it is, by the way? You know what it is? That's just like a... That's just... People that have only... That kind of white people have only been around only white people. So this isn't a big deal to them. I'm telling you. I'll tell you why. They grew up in Orange County. They never left. I'll tell you why that's true. You know because you grew up around San Diego. I'll tell you why that's true because in any other area in the country, obviously, you don't just...

You tell somebody. You call somebody and go, hey, Sally, I'm doing that ninja song. Right? Yeah! Finally! Only in Orange County. In any other society, it's like, no, dude. Don't do that song. You're going to do that song? Because Sally Chang's going to be there.

And she goes, yeah, but she gets it. Yeah. She's cool. She gets it. Yeah. So like if I – like you know how you and I have talked about how when we make a joke, like we want to do a tweet about a black person. We always –

call four or five other dudes comics we always make sure we call other people for confirmation I have Mexican things I want to say there's Johnny Sanchez there's certain guys that I like call hey dude is it alright to call you guys frijoles or whatever you know what I mean he's like yeah dude it's fine bro it's cool man but it's only cool because you know them

So this woman doesn't really know any Asian people or have any Asian friends. Yeah. This is just her. This is a joke between her and her friends, and it's the funniest thing they've ever said.

Yeah. She's like, I'm going to be a ninja. Is she canceled or no? Probably not, right? This was years ago. Years ago. It was just – I found it in my videos on my phone when I was deleting stuff, transferring to my phone from my computer. And I was like, what is this video? And I clicked on it and I was like, oh my god. This was before people got canceled. It was like five years ago. Yeah. God, it's so funny. It makes me laugh so fucking hard. It's so unaware. It's tough when you're on the road because you – for me –

I have to travel to certain places in the country. You've been there as well. Yeah, we do the same thing. Your experience in Nashville is probably different than my experience. Yeah, probably. First of all, I don't sell tickets there. You don't sell tickets at all in Nashville? Uh-uh. Wow. The last time I was there, I did half rooms. No way. Yeah, man. Zany's? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I remember leaving going, oh, they'll never have me back. Fuck, I love that club. I know you do. But that's your different experience. Right. You know, for me, it's like...

Afterwards, it's like you have white dudes come up to you and go, Mr. Reed, very, very, very funny. Yeah. And then you go, and then you have to laugh. That sounds just like you. Rudy, don't laugh. Rudy, don't fucking laugh. So here's what I would say. I know that's got to be annoying. We've talked about it in the past. What I think you should do is you should address it on stage.

You should say that. You should go, if any of you fucking idiots come up to me and do a bad Asian accent afterwards, I'm going to spit in your mouth. I'm going to spit right in your face. Right, right, right, right. I think you should make jokes about it, about how annoying it is when people do it. Then it'll wake people up a little bit to it. You don't think so? My tooth. Oh, your toothy turds? Yeah. Spike, spike. I'm sorry. I'm hard. I'm hard again. There we go. Do you have any cavities?

Cavities? Cavities. Yeah, I have a mouth filled with them. How many cavities have you had? Seven or nine, I don't know. Have you ever had a root canal? Two. Not only did I have a root canal, I had a cap. I had to redo it. Another dentist had to take it out, redo it. It was so fucking bad. Kalilah, my girlfriend, has never had a cavity. It's so annoying. Because she brushes. No, that's not why. I brush, and I don't even like sweets that much. It's genetics.

It's genetics, dude. I'm telling you. I talked to a dentist one time. I said, why do I keep getting cavities when I was in my teens? I was like, why? And he goes, dude, it's just genetics. He said, your mom has a lot of cavities? Weak genetics. Teeth genetics. Weak. Teeth genetics. Teeth weak. Weak teeth. Weak teeth genetics. Fine. Weak teeth genetics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. WTGs. Weak teeth genetics. That's what I have. But it's a weakness. No. It is.

By the end of our life, our teeth are all going to come out anyway. Right. Everyone has shitty, at the end of it all, everyone has shitty teeth. Yeah, because when I was, because I have no teeth. I'm not even kidding. I have nine, maybe eight to nine teeth in my mouth. Okay? You've seen it. Yeah, it's insane. It's insane. I mean, I'm going to start losing more. Like, my teeth are so fucked up. Right, so then when I said, well, can you do the thing where they drill the, you know what I mean? They drill the screw into the bone down here and then screw in. He goes, you have weak gums. Right.

They're that bad? Yeah, your gums are weak, bro. So you can't even get, even if you wanted. Well, I think maybe they've strengthened over time. What's it called? Veneers. You can't get veneers, can you? Yeah, I'm trying to get them. But all of you went all across because sometimes they look so bad. No, I like it. I like it when they look like that. Really? Like the mask?

Yeah, yeah, I love that. Is that what you want? Yeah, remember when Pablo Francisco had cracked teeth? Yeah. The problem is sometimes they look so bad. Look at how stupid that looks. Sometimes they look so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Joe Coy has that. It just looks... Like this looks way more fun. What, the one above? Yeah, this one above. At least she looks like she parties. Yeah, yeah. She parties. You can't... This girl, this girl you can't take to bed. Yeah.

This girl you could take out to the shed. Yeah, you can. That's shed-toothed.

This girl, you got to have another house. You got to have... Yeah, but the one above, right? If you wanted to punch, beat her up a little bit, the teeth go real quick. This one, it's some work on the bottom. Well, because these are solid, huh? Yeah. You could smack around a little bit. You could smack around a little bit before, you know what I mean, anyone notices, you know? Rudy, do you have nice teeth? Smile. Let me see your teeth. Yeah, you have nice teeth. Mine are... She's 12 years old. Of course she is. They're like... They just grew in. What does that mean? Most young kids have bad teeth unless they got braces. Did you have braces? No. That's what you're talking about. Oh.

Did you have braces? Yeah. You did? Yeah, we had money.

Oh, okay. We have money growing up. I mean, I had braces, but at this point, they're all jagged now. They're white, though. They're nice. And I have chips in them now. Yeah. Oh, I just got an email from a company saying they're going to send us teeth whiteners. Should we use them? Of course. You want to do that? I'm afraid of that. The thing about teeth whiteners is because I sometimes I'll go and get white strips. I can't use those. Right. When you put them on, they hurt. They hurt so bad. They're so sensitive afterwards. And I'm real weird about...

that my teeth things because I've had so much trouble with my teeth. - What else are you weak on your body?

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AveoVision.com Bad friends. That's A-V-E-O Vision.com Bad friends. For your 10-day trial pack for only one singular dollar. You're not going to get this deal anywhere else. Go to AveoVision.com Bad friends. There you go. Why I called you, you called me the other day about my migraines. Yeah, that's pretty weak. You went blind in your eye, huh? I went blind. Ha!

You just go blind in your eye, huh? I go blind in one eye. That's a weakness. I have ocular migraines. Right. So you have weak teeth. You have a weak eye. No, it's not my eye. It's my brain. Weak brain. Well, yeah. Yeah. You've got, is there like sibling fucking in your past? Like through your history? A couple years ago. Oh, in the past? Like is your mom and your dad, are they brothers and sisters or something? They're cousins. Yeah. They're cousins. Are they really? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Bob, my fucking parents are cousins. Yeah. It wouldn't surprise me, man, because I'll tell you right now. It wouldn't surprise me if your family was cousins, too. You guys all look the same. At least we look different. You guys are carbon copies.

You there's no way there's no way Koreans aren't from incest. You all look the same. Identical. That's so fucking true. It's so true. I don't look anything like my mom. You look exactly like your mother. Do you know why? Huh? Because you're listen, when growing up, when people said that Asians, people look alike. No, no, not Asians. Koreans, Japanese. I think look different. I see a lot of different Japanese guys.

Same. Really? Same. So if you when I go down Wilshire, I just go same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy. Yeah. The whole time.

So you're saying to me right now that right now, if I if John Cho was sitting here, you wouldn't think that I go, hey, Bob, good to see you. And we start the podcast and I finish it with him. Margaret Cho. Same thing. I go, hey, what's up, Bob? What's up, Bob? You're dumb. What's up, Bob? No, no, no. All the same. You and redheads are the same. You look just like Margaret Cho. You look exactly like Margaret Cho. You don't think you look like Margaret Cho? Dude, I tell you right now. Tell me right now. I have to stop right now because you just put me in such a rage. Shut up.

Margaret Cho, let's see what she looks like. I guarantee you that's you. That's not you. That is you Rudy's laughing that looks just like doesn't it? Rudy Rudy I know you were the one that brought it up. You guys look alike. No, we don't yeah, you do less You're acting fucking look at that's Bob right there. Are you ready to let's switch topics. Oh

Get Margot off the fucking screen. Let's switch topics. Rudy loves it. No, Rudy. Stop laughing, Rudy. Rudy, laugh, laugh, laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Mother's Day, by the way. Did you wish your mommy happy birthday? Happy Mother's Day? It's Sunday, right? Yeah. Yesterday. Yesterday was Mother's Day. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yesterday was Mother's Day. So we put together a little video. Some of the fans sent in Mother's Day pictures. We really appreciate it. We want to say thank you for that. Was your... That was... Was your...

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom. The hovel is what I like to call her. Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in pictures of their mom, and we put together a little something for Mother's Day. Let's enjoy it. Is it our pictures of our moms? It's our fans' moms. Our fans? Oh, that's great. Let's see. Don't make fun of them, by the way. This is no way. Happy Mother's Day, mamas. Oh, yeah. Beautiful women across the world. Listen to the song. You know it. Go ahead, girl.

I want to take your mama out for date night. Make her feel all right. Give a conversation till the daylight. Cause she is so damn tight. I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex that I borrowed from my last ex. Leave your purse mama cause I got checks. Tonight gonna be about mental sex.

We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic route, forget the highways. There's no such thing as my way. It's about you, mama, you, my baby. When dinner's done, take your ass straight home. Walk you to the front door so you're not alone.

Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown. Get back in my car and then I'm gone. Show you respect like the queen you must be. You never stutter, always speak indirectly. You ever need me, mama, you just text me. Until then, you stay so damn sexy. Happy Mother's Day, mama. Happy Mother's Day, mama. Wow. You know what would have been better is if we'd done that video, but you lip-synced it. That...

Lip sync what? Because at first when we were playing the video, I thought, Andrew's singing this live. What a talent.

I don't remember the lyrics. I wrote them when I was trying. Let's just try one real quick. By the way, by the way, I do want to say this seriously. Some of the fans sent in a lot of fans sent in pictures of mom, beautiful mother, and some of the fans mothers passed away. And, uh, and it's a lot, some of these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore, which I just want to say, we appreciate, you know, Bob knows about a loss of a parent. So it's cool that people included their moms that were gone.

It was a big deal. I thought that was very nice. I thought that was very nice. That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful to mamas. Okay. Asshole. Yeah. Happy Mother's Day, mama. Beautiful women across the world. It's your day. You know it. Go ahead, girl. Yeah. I want to take your mama out for date night. Make her feel all right. Give a conversation till the daylight. Cause she is so damn tight. Yeah.

I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex that I borrowed from my last ex. Leave your purse, mama, cause I got checks. Tonight gonna be about mental sex.

We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic route, forget the highway. There's no such thing as my way. It's about you, my way. Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. That was real good. Thank you. That was for me. Rudy, did you like it? Oh, God. Will you clap for me, Rude? Thank you, Rude. Do you feel better? No. No? No, I feel better. Why not? You don't feel any better? Don't you feel better now? No, I feel...

Because I don't know. Honestly, I think my mood stems from I don't know. What's really what? I don't know because the country is opening up. You're scared? No, it's not just that. It's like, but we're kind of not in LA. No, we are kind of. Kind of. Stuff's kind of starting to get open. We don't know if it's too soon. I don't know who to believe right now.

You guys got guys like Eddie Bravo and Tripoli. This is government control. Right. There was a documentary called Plandemic. Did you see it? Yeah. About Fauci? Yeah. And then you have- It got debunked. Somebody said that woman was uncredible. Yeah. Generally it is, but- Who knows? Who knows? I don't know anything. But the thing is, is that-

But we do know that coronavirus is still out there, prevalent. It's not as if, like, cases are going down, right? We thought that, you know, we're locked down because cases... You know, it's like, you're one of those friends... You're one of those friends where you constantly ask, why is he my friend? Dude, it's my weekend. I want to have a couple of drinks. I haven't drank all week. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Two...

Is this hard for you, really? No. It's just that I was trying to... I'm not trying to be disrespectful and have a drink in front of you. I understand that, but I was like... You don't ever care when I have a drink in front of you. I don't give a fuck, but I was making a point. The way you drink is so dramatic. I just had a little... It was a little distracting. I apologize. Yeah, it's just like... I apologize. I apologize. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Are you going to drive home? What? You're driving home because your car was out there.

You bet. Yeah, okay. No, that's it. I'm not going to have any more. I wanted one little shot. So anyway, back to my point. Yeah, yeah. Is that I just, I don't know, you know, when, like, you know, tomorrow, like, I was invited to Spade, David Spade. David Spade's house, yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to go, you know what I mean? So when is it okay to go? Why do you think it's not okay to go?

Because I still have this thing, especially Theo Vaughn. Where have you been? The country? Where have you been? Hey, man, I've been out in the woods, man. Spade, he never leaves that house. You don't trust Theo? I think Theo's taking care of himself just fine. You do? Of course. What do you mean? Theo's just as diligent as anybody. Do you think all the comics have been taking care of themselves? No. I would say the majority of them aren't giving a fuck. I think a lot of people don't give a fuck. Like who doesn't give a fuck?

I took to Andrew Schultz on my podcast the other day. He literally says he doesn't care. He's not wearing a mask. Oh, yeah. He doesn't give a fuck. But he's a young man. So what's the difference? Who out here I think doesn't give a fuck? D'Elia.

D'Elia pretends like he cares, but he doesn't at all. He was out at Coffee Bean drinking. He brought his own coffee to Coffee Bean the other day. He was just drinking out front. Yeah, I see a lot of photos of him at Coffee Bean. He loves coffee. He's hanging out. He loves coffee. He loves coffee. Get over it. Yeah, it's been around for a long time. It's not a big thing. It's not that big fucking deal. It's like a lot of water. No, I think a lot of... Some people don't care. I don't know. Look, we're going to get back to it. Golf courses and parks are going to be open this weekend. Wow. You know, but... I mean, at some point, I don't know. I...

Look, here's my thing. If we let you go to a liquor store to get cigarettes or whatever, and you just have to go one by one, right, six feet apart, just like you do at any corner store, why can't we do that for all the businesses and just do that across the board?

All the mom and pop shops should have been open the whole time, in my opinion. They should just be regulated. You should say you can't have more than this many people for this many square feet. How big is your store? It's 400 square feet. Great. You can only have five people in there at once. Everyone has to wait in line outside. But the problem with that is that in certain ching chong countries like Korea –

Yeah. Right. You can trust its citizens to follow the rules. But we have, as Americans, a different kind of freedom and liberty and bravado. Yeah. And you're going to have those guys like, fuck it. But that was going to happen anyway. That already was happening. That's my point. So it didn't. That doesn't matter. Yeah. So if that was going to happen, then why not? And I saw what they do in Shanghai Disney. They're going to open up Shanghai Disney and everyone gets temperature checked when you go in.

And then you have to have proof that you weren't around an infectious country or region. You have to have travel proof if you go to Shanghai Disney. So that's what they're going to do to open up. Yeah. Disneyland in Asia sounds crazy to me. $30 million a day they were losing. Wow. $30 million a day. How come none of those ching chongs have eaten Mickey Mouse yet? Because he's protected. He's protected. Donald the Duck is not though. Donald the Duck a day. Donald the Duck, I got to eat a foot.

You got eaten first. Yeah. I think, look, I think I'm going to obey the rules until they say that they think it's the most safe. That's all you can, that's it. But for you want to go over to Spade's house and hang out with him and Theo, I think when people do that, that's up to the person. That's on you. Then you got to judge the thing. I'm not ready yet. No, yeah. I'm not ready yet. That's it. If you're not ready, don't do it. Mm-hmm.

You're ready to come here with me. Because you hear things like, it's going to get worse in the fall. Yeah. When it's mixed in with the flu, September, October, November, it's going to get worse. Maybe. Yeah. And then when that happens, here's my thing. Here's what I need. Let me say this. Go ahead. Let me say this. Yeah. This is not comedy fodder, by the way. This is not comedy at all. 90% of the stuff we do is a joke on here, okay? Yeah, but sometimes we can be serious. Sometimes. But for the most part, I don't mean any of it. You don't look like Margaret Cho, okay? Yeah.

I take that back. Thank you. But you look a little bit. Yeah. You look a little bit like Ken Jeong, but you don't look like Margaret. That fucking. Hey. Okay. Okay. I'll say this. Do I think it's real? Yeah. It's scary. It's fucked up. But then there's a piece of me that goes, well, what can I do? I can only protect myself so much. I have to still live. There's 40 million residents in the state of California. Four zero. 40 million. Right. We've had about 2200 deaths. That's an extremely low number.

of people that died. It's a big state. 40 million people, dude. 2,200 deaths. I'm not saying it's bullshit. I'm just saying that's really low. And at some point, what do you want me to do? What can I do? So I'm not saying, I don't want to live in fear. I'm not storming fucking Manhattan Beach Town Hall, but I am going-

I'm going to do things as safely as I can. It's a difficult thing you're saying. It's difficult. It's like – We've been coming here the whole time together. I know. 2,200 people is a low number obviously in comparison to 40 million. I don't discount their deaths. But I know. But in my personal life, I don't want my mother to get sick. Right. That's the problem. So that's the problem. No, no. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying the number is low enough where I feel a little bit less scared than I used to. I go, okay.

We're going to manage it. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to be safe, stay safe, do the right things. But like cooping up in my house forever, I can't, that's, I can't do that. I mean, I, yeah, I just got to be safe. We can't go around a lot of big crowds of people. And dude, we got to offer the other day, you and I to do, to do a, to do a tour together again. They want to, they want to do dates again. We were going to do dates again.

We got canceled. Well, they never even got put up. Where do you want to do them? No, no, no. There's a bunch of offers. Where? Well, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want people to get hope that we're not going to be able to go. Just to rub it in. Yeah. But we are going to do dates together. No, we are going to do dates together. They did offer us three dates. And Rudy is coming. When she can, you're going to come, right? Yeah. Dude, can we take off your left sandal real fast?

Your left one and show it to the camera. That's your camera. Show it to the camera. Yeah. Is she okay? Show the camera your sandal. Show it. Show it. Look at that thing. I know. Give her some money, Bob. No, no, no. That's not what it is. Her fucking Filipino monkey feet.

Her Filipino monkey feet, they can only wear those. Oh. Right. Those are specific for, you know what I mean? They're made for her feet. The ones that truly haven't evolved that still have monkey features. Right. Right. So those are made out of bamboo and eucalyptus. Is that true, Ruth? Eucalyptus bamboo. Clue minutes.

Wait, what did she say? I can't even understand her half the time. Because she's speaking a different fucking monkey language. What did you say? Moolio made it? Julio. Julio who? Who's Julio? The dog chewed. Oh, the dog chewed it. Yeah. Well, whose fault is that? Julio's. Did you leave it out for him to chew? Okay. Well, it's your fault. It's your fault. If it's at chew level, it's going to get chewed. That's how I feel around my house. If something is low, it's at chew level. That's not the dog's fault, right? That's his territory. Yeah. What's that show that you're watching?

Get closer to the fucking mic. Normal people? Normal people. Have you heard about this? Is it good? It's like, here's why they like it. Kalilah and Jules like it because you can see like, you know, you can see the pimples on their face and you can see their dicks and balls. You can see their dicks and balls? What is this on? And it's real. What are you watching? Do I need to come over there? It's like real and it's like, you know, very visceral. It's like, you, pimples.

Pimples on their penises? Is that what you said? On the penis they have pimples? On the face. Wait a minute. Why do they show their penises? What show is this? Is it cheap? They don't have makeup artists? Wait, why do you see their penis? I don't like that you see their genitals. Why? Is that sex stuff? Yeah, sex stuff. Do you see vagina? Yeah. Yuck. The lips. Yuck. No, just the hair. Yuck.

I only like penises. Yum, yum, yum. I only like looking at penises online and on movies and stuff. Yeah. Apparently, it's a show on Hulu. It's called Normal People. What's it about? It's based on a book. Rudy, tell us what it's about. I'll tell you what it is. The gist of it is, I think, is it's about young Irish love. Ooh, I'm in. Right? And it's a, I don't know much about it, but I think it's a girl who...

who's not that popular, right? Just back me up. Is it based in Ireland? Yeah. Irish Love. Oh, young Irish Love. And then the popular guy in town, right? Likes. Ryan O'Houlihan? Yeah. What's his name? The actor.

No, no. Yeah, well, the character's name. Connell. Connell? Connell. Oh, Connell. And who's he in love with? What's the girl's name? Marianne. What is it? Marianne. Marianne. Connell and Marianne. And then, so the popular guy. Connell. Connell. He makes love to Marianne. Oh, he's. Yeah. Oh, good God. I hope the Lord doesn't hear that. And then what happens? They keep it a secret. They have to because they're Catholic, aren't they? No, because the boy doesn't like anyone to know. Because she's ugly.

Because she's a four. From what I've seen, she's pretty cute. So why does he keep it a secret? Because a lot of students in high school doesn't like her. Oh, she's not popular. You don't want to fuck a loser. Yeah, because she doesn't use fucking anything for her acne on her fucking face. Idiot. Wait, so it's a high school show. Yeah, but then you also see them in college.

This is too much time jump for me. And they fuck hard? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Shut the fuck up, Rudy. They fuck hard or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gross. That's gross. I don't like stuff like that. Speaking of shows that I'm annoyed with right now, I'm pissed off at 90 Day Fiancé because you did it on Tiger Belly with Mayo Head Ed.

Don't call him that. He's a new friend of mine. Mayohead Ed? Yeah. I can't call him Mayohead Ed. He is a Mayohead. I understand that. He's Mayohead Ed. But can I tell you what pissed me off about it? And he's not your fucking friend either. Can I tell you what pissed me off about it? Go ahead. He didn't even know he was doing Tiger Belly. He comes on because I guess he was doing some sort of press junket. Yeah. Right? So he's doing just a series. So then when he saw me, he knew, right, that he's the one that he called. He said that I... Who set it up?

The press person? What's the network? TLC? TLC. Oh, so he didn't even know? No. So you can hear the first – the publicist going, this is Margaret from TLC. So Ed is – I don't know where he is, but he'll be on in a second. I don't like this. He's taking a break. So then when he sees me, he doesn't – he remembers that he told – Kalilah's too good for you. Kalilah's too good for me. So then he was just like almost in shock like, oh my god.

It's you. I didn't like it. Yeah. And you listened to it? Yeah, I didn't like it. Yeah. I watched it. I thought it was, here's why I didn't like it. Why? It was too hard. I don't buy this guy, by the way. I don't buy him.

I think this is all a big game for him. I don't think he was never in love with Rose. I think it's a bit. That's exactly what it was. Yeah, he's an actor. It's a bit. Yeah. And by the way, I don't like it. I like when it's not a bit. I like when those guys on reality shows, the guy that went to Serbia like seven years of dating that girl or wherever she was. I love that guy. That guy's my favorite. The guy lives in Vegas. David. He's like, she'll be there this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy answered the door. He's like, no one you want to leave here looking like this.

I loved it so fucking much. Yeah. I just think I don't like when I find out that these guys – look, if you're going to be an actor on a reality show, as long as it's kind of publicized that way, like The Hills or what was the Jersey Shore? Jersey Shore. Like they all kind of wanted to be in entertainment. So I'm fine with it. But so did Big Ed. Big Ed, I think secretly always – Big Ed was a phony. I know, but he always, I think, wanted to get famous. That's why I don't like it.

That's why I think it's bullshit. And so he lies. Yeah. And he goes this route. I don't like it. Right? Cheap. It's cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. What drove me crazy is I looked at cameo on Instagram. Yeah, we looked at – you looked up his cameos. Yeah. Yeah, I did too. Elvis. Do you see that? Yeah. Yeah. And you can tell that he – I didn't tell him this when we interviewed him, but I wanted to say is listen to me, Ed.

You know what that is. Yeah. Stop there. It's only half. It's only one quarter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 15 is right there. Yeah, 15. Yeah. That's it. And it's just milk it. Milk it, milk it, milk it, milk it. Because it's going. How much money did he get on Cameo for his... Do you know how much they were? No. Let's find out how much Big Head had is on Cameo. It just upset me because I thought it wasn't as good as it could have been. The whole thing, I was like, this is not...

I wanted him to be real. I wanted him to be in love with that Rose chick, you know? Yeah, but you know, you have to admit that he was entertaining on the show. Only because she didn't like him at all. Yeah. Now that we know his intentions, it makes him unlikable. Well, here's Rose right here. Let's see what Rose charges. Rose charges $54. From Maybe This Fiance season four, I'm asking you all for a cameo. Cameo. I want to hear you go...

greetings and personalize click to my accounts and take care and I have a wonderful day love you all so I love I like her a lot let's hire Rosemary let's buy her right I'll buy her for more than that I like her a lot let's buy and just have her send a video to us so here's what she's doing right now yeah

To Brian, Jonathan, Justin, and Journey. Best mom, Jennifer. Hi, this is me, Rose. How are you? She needs subtitles. Let's do one where it's like, Bobby, Andrew, you guys are getting married. You guys haven't had sex yet. Let's hire Rose. Because I like her. And where's Mayo Head Ed? What is that fucking goon charge?

I'm just being mean to him for some reason because I thought it was disingenuous. Look at, oh, he thinks he's hot. He's got someone drum. $100. $100. You make my day. Let me make yours, okay? Let me send out a shout out to anybody you want.

I'm having a lot of fun with this. It's been a crazy ride. It's going to get a lot crazier. It's about to be over. But again, much love, much appreciation, and let's have some fun. Yeah. I don't hate the guy. I just didn't like the interaction on Tiger Belly at all. Yeah. And I think the fans would say the same. It wasn't as good as I wanted. There was nothing that I could fucking do, man. It wasn't your fault. I'll tell you why. Because the TLC publicist there was like, I want to push this.

But I can't. You could have because what's the worst that's going to happen? They pull it? Yeah. You still have it on your side. Yeah. But there was some weird thing where I wanted him to like me. Why? I don't know why. He doesn't like you. He doesn't like you. I know he doesn't. He doesn't. I can tell. He doesn't respect me. You don't respect him.

I don't. But that's the balance. Yeah. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect him at all. Right. He knows that. So he goes into that. That's why he, and by the way, that's why he talked shit. Yeah. That's why he talked shit. How do we, now how do we do the Rose thing? We're going to, you want to buy her right now? Yeah, let's buy her right now. Okay, let's do it. So. Rosemary Vega. Yeah. Okay, book now for $54. Can we give her, okay, to? To who? To Bobby and Andrew? To Bobby and Andrew. And just say from Rudy. Okay.

From Rudy. Yeah. From Rudy. What's the occasion? Wedding, right? Wedding. Wedding. Yeah. Okay. And what it was is... So something like... Congratulations. Should I spell it wrong on purpose? Yeah. Congratulations. To Andrew. To Andrew. And Bobby. And Bobby. You guys finally gonna...

It's okay that gay marriage isn't legal in – where are we? Where's gay marriage illegal in?

What states? Bosnia. Huh? I was going to say Bosnia. In Bosnia. Yeah. It's okay that gay marriage is illegal in Bosnia. Yeah. Because your love is more powerful than the law. Or barbed wire fence. Then... Make her say something difficult. Then, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your love is more powerful than bureaucratic systems. Systems.

I can't spell bureaucratic. It's okay. I don't know how to spell it. There it is. Bureaucratic systems and... Unfathomable. That's a very difficult word. Unfathomable heights. Stringent. Stringent. Unfathomable stringent. Stringent heights. Heights. You both will prevail gloriously and...

Yeah. One day your adoption of a Lithuanian baby will come true. Yeah.

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Yeah, and Andrew's going to do the 80-day obsession, right? I'm going to try it, but that's a lot of days for me. But they've got a lot of great online trainers. They also have the best trainers. They have super trainers like Tony Horton, Joel Freeman, Jericho McMatthews, and Autumn Calabrese. Autumn Calabrese straight from Italy. Best programs, dude. Hundreds of effective workouts, all fitness levels, whether you're a noob noob or you're jacked like Bobby who's in the gym literally eight days a week.

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Can you read that off the thing? Yeah. Here, read that there. You can read it. You can do it. Just try. Here, look. Look on the TV right there. Even if you fuck up. Okay, so say that because this is what it's going to sound like from Rose. Okay. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad gay marriage. Hey, hey, play up the accent, will you? Will you fucking get involved here, Rudy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad gay marriage isn't legal in Bosnia because your love is...

More powerful than bureaucratic systems and unfathomable stringent heights. You will prevail gloriously and one day adoption of Lithuanian baby will come true. Yeah. Why do we even need to pay Rose? That was really good. That was better than probably how Rose did it. We're going to book this. I can't put in my email and all that stuff now. This is what we're going to book and then next week we'll play the video from Rose. Oh, I can't wait. I think that's going to be so fun. Yeah.

Look, I think the interview wasn't anybody's fault. I just think I was disappointed. I was disappointed. I wanted to be able to – honestly, I wanted to – Yeah, I mean in retrospect, I regret. I don't think that I prepared properly. I think I was too nervous or I think that publicist threw me off, and I apologize to the fans. I should have drilled them more and I – There's nothing you can do. When a publicist gets involved, it gets a little like too –

Too professional. I mean, there's shit going on. Like this next Monday, we're doing, you know, the David Spade movie. Yeah. So the publicist for that movie looks so funny, by the way. Yeah. I'm dead serious. That's the one that remember the one line that I had. Oh, yeah. That was that. Yeah. That movie looks so funny, man. The concept is so good. Yeah. Tell people what the concept is. I didn't. You don't know what the movie's about at all. I didn't.

Seriously? I have no idea what was going on. David Spade essentially is in this movie where he thinks he's texting one girl, invites her on a second date to Hawaii, and instead gets this other idiot from his past in his phone who has the exact same name. Yeah. It's Lauren Lapkus, right? Isn't it Lapkus? Yeah, Lapkus. And she shows up instead of this hot other chick that he thinks it is, this like supermodel. Yeah. And Lapkus shows up and she's like the girl from hell and she's crazy and da-da-da, but of course it ends up turning out that, you know, she's...

She's just as good, if not better than the original thing. But honestly, I saw that concept and I go, so fun, so current. I hope it's really funny. Because sometimes I see comedy movies now and I go, well, that concept doesn't even look good. This concept looks hilarious. You invite the wrong idiot on vacation? Yeah. First of all, when I was there, I was just like... One line, huh?

Yeah, well, Spade called me and goes, you have one line. I told you this. Did I tell you what happened? Yeah, we talked about it. Yeah. But I just can't believe one line. They didn't let you bang out anything else? No, one line. What was the line? Welcome to some hotel. That's getting cut.

Yeah. If I was the editor, I'd be like. I know. And then also then and then they're like, hey, can you have Lorne Lapkus and Nick Swartzen on your podcast? They're coming Monday. Together? Yeah. No, that's good. But I'm just saying now. You've had Nick on the show before. No. Never. Nick's never done the show. Never. Have you had Nick? Yeah. After Nick got sober, he came on my show and we talked about what happened to him.

In great depth, actually. Yeah, great. And emotional depth. Like he, you know, he kind of got the... Nick is a guy who's always been fun to party with. But as a child of addiction or around addiction, I know when people were too much. Yeah, Swartzen was one of those ones that I always had in my prayers, to be honest with you. I just wanted him to be okay. I love him. First of all, ever since I've been in comedy...

He's always been the nicest, coolest guy to me. He's the shit. You'd be at the improv, and he'd sneak up behind you and go, hey, you want to fuck? You know what I mean? He's like one of those guys, and you'd go, yeah, you want to fuck now? You know what I mean? And you wouldn't even keep going. We'd simulate it in front of everybody. He's exactly my type of guy. He's super fun. Super fun. He used to have this –

Every year he had this birthday party at a roller skating rink, right? And it was the greatest party in human history because he would wear leotard and pink wings. Swartzen always committed to things. I mean he still always commits. And then one night – you know what happened and why he canceled it, right? So he would have this gigantic birthday party and –

He would charge five bucks, whatever, and he would put this five bucks, all the money into this tin kind of can thing. And at three in the morning, he was walking to his car, and some man put out a shotgun, stuck it to his face, and took the money.

It wasn't a shotgun. I had a handgun. I had a handgun. Very funny. Yeah. No. Yeah. I heard a variation of that. I made some of that. Yeah. You made some of it up. I was filling out the – I make things up. But it was still good. I lie a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you lie about the most? Everything. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I think my whole life is a lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you've found a very happy medium. I think that I... Medium? Yeah. Median. Median? Median means medium, right? Here's what I do. I embellish stories. So let's say, suppose like...

I'm walking down the street and a homeless man bumps me. Hey, heads up, heads up, man. That story will then turn into he pulled his penis out, pissed on my leg. I try to run. He tripped me and then he shit on my leg or whatever. It's always something. Do you do that? Do you do that? Of course. That's what comedians – because in our mind – and then sometimes –

No, I'll do that if I'm telling a story on stage. That's what I'm referring to. But if it's like – No, I say that like in front of like a friend of mine. No, that doesn't make sense to me. That's insane. I do it all the time. No, if that was a story – like most of my bits have come from a place where they become hyperbolized or grown into these bigger bits where like this happened and then –

When you're on a podcast, you don't embellish stories. No, yeah, but for the most part, they're really true. Yeah, they're based on truth. Yeah, but yours is – that's more than sensationalism to be like I bumped into a homeless guy versus he pulled out his dick. He pissed on me. You know what I mean? He opened his butthole up and pulled out a little – like an American flag. I need help. No, you don't need help. You're good. I do. I do. I can't – no, because that's not a way – I don't want to be that guy. It's okay to make those bits on stage.

To embellish bits for the sake of comedy? Dude, this is a comedy show. It's fun. Yeah, sometimes I'm at like a Zoom AA meeting. Oh, that you should. No, but no, listen. And I'll be like, people are sharing deep shit. And I'm like, I have nothing to say. Right. Right, so then they'll go, my turn. I go, hi, I'm Bobby. And it's like, oh my God, life is so awkward.

Oh my God. And then, yeah, so then my uncle used to like beat me and stuff. You just make up stuff like that? Yeah, because the guy before me just fucking his whole family died. So what? Why can't you just be like, hey, that sucks about the family thing. I'm in good shape. Yeah, because I saw that at an A meeting once where it was so funny. It was so funny. I laughed out loud. Yeah. So it was one of those A meetings. I shouldn't. Fuck it. Where everyone shares. Yeah. Right. And you have to share. Yeah.

And so one guy was like, literally was like, so my cancer came back and my doctor is giving me, you know, six weeks, you know, or whatever. Right. And then literally the next day was, hey, I'm Tom. I sold the script.

I sold it, guys. Did you clap? That's a good one. It was just the disregard. Because if I was the guy, I was like, oh, I'm sorry, man. You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, but this is me in the meme. Did you talk to him afterwards? No. You could have got a line in that.

I know I should have said, yeah, but what do you say to a guy who has cancer? I don't know what to say. Well, I think that's the point of that guy saying I sold a script. Okay, you be the guy. You tell me that you had cancer and I'm a guy in the meeting and I'm next. Okay. Yeah. Hi, I'm Brady, alcoholic. Hey, Brady.

So, guys, you know, my cancer, I went to the doctor. My cancer's back. Oh, Brady. And you know that I'm a single father of six children, and I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids. And I think I'm going to die. That's my share. Thank you. Damn. My wife and I just got the pressure cooker we ordered yesterday, and I got to tell you, it cooks good meals. Yeah.

No, you shouldn't. There's nothing you can do besides it. You have to move forward. You have to move forward. Yeah. Okay, can I share something with you here? Let's do this. There's a... I want to... Andres, we haven't used in a long time, and you know he's a little upset about it. He wants us to call him, Andres, because he... I guess I think he misses us a little bit. You know? So we have to call Andres because he wants to do a little video for us.

Let me do it on FaceTime here. Okay, so today... Today. Today. Today's Bob Marley's death day. He died today on this very day. And because of that, Andres is a massive... Our Fancy B, Andres, our house resident Fancy B, is a massive Bob Marley fan. And he wants to do a tribute. He wants to sing a song? He wants to do a Bob Marley tribute. Oh, I like Three Little Birds. Can he sing that? I can ask him. Hi, sweetheart. Hey! Como estas, ustedes?

Como estas? Como estas ustedes? Good, I can't hear him on my mic. I don't know why he's not in the headphones. Hold on one second, sweetheart. Okay, hey, hello. Now we hear you. Okay. Good, you hear him now, right? Bob, in your headphones? Yeah, I can hear him now. So it's Bob Marley's birthday. I'm sorry, it's Bob Marley's death day. Right. You love Bob Marley. Why?

I love Bob Marley, yeah. Well, he's just an inspiration for all of us, you know. For all of us whites. In the moment when we are all down, we just play some music and smoke some weed and we feel all better. Wow. I didn't know you were such a big weed smoker. Yeah. Really? Are you high right now? Yes. I needed a couple, you know, poofs to do this. A couple of poofs? Yeah, that's how they say it in Spain. They say poofs? Yeah. You know, I need to hit a couple of poofs. Can I have a poof out there?

Can you imagine if a bunch of guys were smoking weed? Can I have a poof like that? Oh, I would light him on fire. Somebody said that. Excuse me. Yo, bro, you say poof, bro? Could I have a poof like that, please? No, fuck you, bro. Come on, man. I need a poof. So listen, you like smoking weed and listen to Bob. What are you going to do as a tribute for Bob Marley's death day? He died this very day.

I thought, you know, to sing a little bit of a song for him and for all of you, like probably my first and last performance ever. No, no, you're going to have many more. So Bobby likes the song Three Little Birds. Can you bring that up and sing Three Little Birds?

What about I shot the sheriff? No, no, no. I want you to sing a song that you didn't prepare. He prepared I shot the sheriff. Yeah, you prepared I shot the sheriff. Like last night in the sheriff. Can we hear a little bit of I shot the sheriff for fun right now? Yeah. Let's hear a little bit. Right. Okay. Is that ready? Oh, yeah. I shot the sheriff. I shot the sheriff.

But I didn't shoot no deputy. Oh, no. I shot the sheriff. Love it. But I didn't shoot no deputy. All around my hometown, they're trying to track me down. They say to warn me, bring guilty.

For the killing of a deputy. Very good. Get right to the chorus again. For the life of a deputy. Very good. But I say bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, shit. See? That's real right there. He's fucking dope. That's dope right there. If I'm guilty, I will pay.

Andres! Rudy's clapping for you. Three little birds. Will you bring up three little birds on your computer? I don't know. He trying to what? He doesn't know that one. That's the best part. That's the best song he's ever written. You know what my favorite song is? Which one? No Woman, No Cry? No. Which one? Redemption Song? Yeah. That's a good song.

I wish we could play some of it right now. You know, he died from, Bob Marley died from foot cancer, a.k.a. the government. Right. The fucking government killed him. I know they did. Why did they say foot cancer? Like, they said melanoma, skin cancer of the foot. Simon Chow killed Bruce Lee. Simon Cowell, the American Idol guy? No, Simon Chow, the old Chinese. He killed Bruce Lee? And his son.

Brandon, that's a fact. Brandon got shot from a blank bullet, but it was a real bullet. Simon Chow. Yeah. Simon Cowell did all that stuff. Not Simon Cowell. The British guy from American Idol? Not the X Factor guy, no, bro. He was like, Bruce Lee, you're not that good. No, no. It was Simon Chow, the old Chinese producer. He was a guy. He did Enter the Dragon, all that shit. Why didn't he like Bruce? There was something, I don't know. What are you, in the ocean? Yeah. Yeah.

It looks like Echo Park has a helicopter going by. Wow. Okay, go. Three Little Birds. Let's hear Three Little Birds. Okay, can you guys give me a hand and tell me a little bit what the melody is like? This is the best. You're a huge Bob Marley fan, you piece of shit. Come on, dude. You're a huge Bob Marley fan. Let's hear it. Okay. Don't worry about a thing. Cause every little thing gonna be alright. Perfect. Perfect.

Sing it, don't worry about a thing. It's not. Because every little thing is going to be all right. It's not. This is good. It's not even close. Keep going, Andreas. You're right there. Keep going, man. Rise up in the morning. He doesn't know about that. Smile with the rising sun. Yep. Three little birds pitch by my doorstep. Yep.

Sweet song. Okay. Okay, can I teach you the best way to learn this song? The melody is like the ABCs. So it's... So try that. Try that. Don't worry about a thing. Because every little thing is going to be all right. Up higher. Singing. Oh, my God. Come on, come on. That's right. Let him go. Let him do it. Get on.

singing don't worry about a thing every little thing's gonna be alright higher higher higher alright that's it cause every little thing is gonna be alright perfect

Very good. You're a huge fan. I can tell. Told you. Massive pothead, massive Bob Marley fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, guys, like, look. This is the kind of guy. What's all over your shirt? Is that shipping instructions to get you back to where you're from? What the fuck is that? No. You know what it looks like? Stigmata. You know how, like, right? Through the skin. You know how, like, when somebody's possessed, right, they write a message through the skin? That's what it looks like. I'm just...

Help me. That looks like a bunch of, you know, this looks like the movie Memento where he writes all those tattoos. What does that shirt really say? We can't read anything. Something about love and color and life. Meanwhile, if that was on his walls in his bedroom, you'd have to call like the cops. It's definitely a manifesto. Who makes that shirt? Is that a fancy shirt and we just don't know?

Yeah, it's a brand called Desi Wall from Spain. Desi Wall. Oh, right. Elegant European style. Yeah. All right. Do you know who that is, Desi Wall? No. I've never heard of this designer before in my life. Yeah, because we're real Americans. Yeah, we're real Americans. How much would that shirt cost? Are you just trying to fucking front on us? Is that an expensive shirt? No, just like normal retail. Maybe a little pricier than...

your average Zara, but not like a huge... Like how much? Like $40, $50, $60, $70, $80? Yeah, $50, $60 bucks. $50, $60 bucks. Are we paying him? Do we pay him money?

I don't think we should. Not anymore. Not if you're wasting money. Very good job. Say happy Bob Marley death day. I'm sorry he passed away on this very day a long time ago. I'm very sad too. When you texted me, you said, I'm a big Bob fan and I would like to sing a song. Good job, Andro. It's Andres. Thank you, Bobby. Why don't you say what you were going to say to Bobby? You told me you wanted to say something to him. What do you say? Well, I

Right, since last time we talked, you guys told me that I should practice a little bit my crowd work. And I wrote down here on my sticky note, be as mean as you possibly can, alienate the audience, and be really rude. So I've been practicing on that. So let me try. Give me 30 seconds. Okay.

He wants to do stand-up. He asked me. He texted me. He'll be better than George, I'll tell you that right now. He said, can I open for you on the road? He wants to open for us. What up, motherfuckers? Welcome.

I hope you guys didn't have anything better to do than to come to the shitty ass club. Like we said in my country, the roaches like the poo-poo. Oh, I hope you guys get diarrhea from the chicken wings. But let's meet some of our audience members tonight. Yeah, let's start with the lucky charm looking motherfucker in the corner. Hey, you. Very good. Like, lobster head. Uh,

What do you leave for money? On Hogwarts or Hooters? If there's a pot at the end of your rainbow, it's your spill with Dundas and a welfare check.

No, no, but sorry, sorry. I'm a huge fan. You're one of my comedic heroes. Thank you for being here, Carrot Top. That's good. It looks like you stopped going to the gym and went to the groomers instead. But, well, you look good with a little more weight. Is it true that gingers have no talent?

In your face. He did the mic slap. Do me, do me, do me. Do me now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the Chinese guy in the back. Can I call you Ming? Oh, wow. It's good. I've never seen an Asian with a mullet before. That looks like, you know, that haircut looks like it's all business in the front and a stretch up in the back. Wow.

Oh, wow. Walking like Bill Ray Sagan in the house. He's coming up to sing his hit song, Hickey Breaky Egg Roll. But no, no, sir. You look like a NASCAR driver that will get into a lot of accidents. How sweet. That's really good. I'm not a flame bumper car.

Wow. That's all I got for you. Yeah. I'm trying to write. It's so much better. That's now the tone. That's funny, dude. That's his voice. By the way, you did a great job. Those jokes that you roasted us for were really good. I think some of the top ones where they say that gingers don't have talent. So good. So good. Good twist on souls. Yeah. And the best one for this. The best one for this. The fucking NASCAR. The NASCAR that gets a lot of answers. Very good. Yeah.

very funny man because you you did the whole stereotype that we can't drive as well in there yeah it's real nice no i think actually it also applies literally to you because you are a dog shit driver so i don't have like a previous that is crashed yeah see look at that he's paying attention still doing it uh andres honestly that can you do that every week

Probably not, but I'll try. But have some for Rudy next week, okay, bud? Okay. Sounds good. It's difficult to rose Rudy, though. She's too nice. Yeah, she is too nice, but she's talked some shit about you. She has. Tell him what you say about him. Tell him what you say. Tell him what you call him. Kind? Yeah, that's in your face, dude. You're right in your fucking face.

Alright Andres we love you We'll see you later bud Love you guys thank you bye So good It's an improvement Honestly? You know stand up it's about finding your voice He found it Yeah before it was like he didn't That political shit he was doing God that was so funny But this was very good The political stuff was really funny too I think he's a very funny dude I think that I can't wait for him to open for us When we're on the road

But isn't she going to go out too? Would you do stand-up in front of thousands of people, Rudy? I don't know. Yeah, but what I want her to do is sell the merch. Merch, yeah. We need merch. Do you think this is weird? I just literally yesterday released, well, last week, released tickets for a date in October. Don't you think October's fine? Yeah. I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston for the first time. If any of our fans are in Boston, come see me. I played there once. Do you love it?

It was during a hurricane, so in that big theater, I had, not lying, this is not an exaggeration, nine people. Oh, my God. Why didn't you just not do the show? I did it. Why would you just say we have to cancel? I would give back their money. Nine people. You didn't get paid? No. Holy shit. It was terrible. And that's why I've never played there. I think they think I can't draw or something. Of course you could. I know I could kill it there, but yeah, that's what happened. So you're going to play the Wilbur. That's great. You should save that date for us.

The Wilbur? Yeah. This was booked forever ago and then I had to reschedule it. All right. You and me? We would triple sell it out. Yeah, but we're going to do a bunch of other venues. All right. By the way, the thing about the Wilbur that's going to be incredible for me is I taped my half hour for Comedy Central across the street at the Royale Theater.

And at the same time that I was there, across the street was Fortune Feimster playing the Wilbur. Wow. And I was like, damn, dude, she's fucking killing it. She's killing it. She was killing it. And that's when I did my half hour. I think it was – I'm almost positive she was there. She was coming at least. But, dude, I just – that was – Thank you for being – thank you for being a bad friend. No. Yeah. No. Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. We don't want to hear fucking your Wilbur Comedy Central story, okay? Who gives a shit? Oh, I shot my special there. And then, you know what? Fortune Future was across the street. It was great. She's wonderful. She's doing great. Thank you for being a bad friend. That's what happens when you end it. It's like, oh, yeah, I was playing Philadelphia once. I have a story, too. I was playing Philadelphia once, and then, like, Chappelle was across the street. It was great. Thank you for being a bad friend. You know? It's like, what the fuck?

Oh, yeah? You're going to tell us that story? Let's write a script on it. That's how exciting it is. It's a new movie. You show up, you know, in Boston, right? All the cameras are set up. And all of a sudden, you're doing the show. And then fucking Fortune's across the street. And that's the climax of the movie. It's going to be great. We could fucking get all kinds. Tom Hardy will be in it. You know, it's like, why don't you learn how to tell a story, friend? There's got to be a point.

So anyway, when you did that, when you fucking did that, in my head, I was like, emergency, emergency, fucking, you know what I mean? Emergency shoot, right? Thank you for being a bad friend. Let's get the fuck out of here. You know, it's ridiculous. And I know you had a lapse, a lapse in thought and judgment. And you thought, there's dead air here. I'm going to throw out this fucking story that I think is a story, but it isn't.

So you're allowed to make mistakes, but that was a dumb story. And you're going to get angry. You're going to do what you'd usually do and snap and throw something or scream. But let's just let it go, and let's just end the fucking podcast. Thank you for being a bad friend. I think we should because if that's what your fucking instinct is right now, fuckface, we're trying to make this podcast a number one friend.

Alright, so just, you know, we might even have to cut that whole portion out. What do you think, pal? You're getting rageful and angry. You don't know what to do. Go within yourself, dude. A life not self-examined is a life not worth living. Alright, so just examine yourself. You fucked up. And let's end the podcast right now, okay? The Mother Day song was strong. Mother Day song, very good. What? What you gonna do? Let's move on, dude. Look in the camera. Look in the camera. Look in the camera.

Thank you for be... If you don't do this, we're gonna have a very big problem. But, go ahead. You thought that was a good story? Fuck! You thought that was a good story! If I had that fucking BB gun right now, I would shoot you in the fucking eye, friend! Alright, so let's... What? Get it off your chest. That's what I thought. We good? Let's just end it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. More. Yeah. Alright, so...

I want to say that, number one, you're a good stand-up. You're a very good storyteller. And that... I would also have to say that I think you drive this podcast. I think you prepare. You have bits that we do on the show. I come here...

not prepared. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to say. And I should put a lot more energy into doing this podcast. And I'm going to say that you're the foundation of this thing. And the reason why it's a success is because of you. And I want to thank you. But that story was the worst story I've ever heard. The Comedy Central thing. It was so fucking dumb. But other than that, you're the greatest. I'm sorry. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Can I say this? Point is is that um... I'm cute as fuck, but my point is is that. Yeah, but my point is is that. But my point is is that. But my point is is this, so... But my point is is this. But my point though is is that. My point is is that. I don't even know. That's the thing. Thing is is that. The thing is is that. Because the thing is is that. The thing is is that. The thing is is that. The thing is is that. The thing is is that. The thing is is that. The truth is is that. What enraged me is is that. But what's weird is is that. Not only that is is that. Here's the thing is is that.

Can I say something right now?