3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura
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You know, at first I was like, I'm on a show. It's pretty cool. But after a while, sitting here listening to these morons, and not once. Does anyone ever think to get me some water? I'm tired, man. Well, I guess I should tell you. We got merch! Go to badfriendsmerch.com.

Oh, now you give me water? F*** you! You two are b****! Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Hello! Wow! Woo woo woo! Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. Woo woo woo woo woo! We've got Red. Red is not here. Red's not here. Red's doing a movie in Beirut.

You know, it's called the Nuremberg effect. He's in a movie called Nuremberg effect. I'm actually, I'm doing a movie right now. I'm in North Korea. It's called the impossible chopstick.

And that's a microaggression. Is that? No, it's not. It's a microaggression. It's a microaggression. Yeah. Is that your Bobby? Yeah. Everywhere he goes, he's doing a movie. It's him, Brad Pitt, Tom Hardy and some other people. Oh, it sounds like a small budget. Yeah. Small budget. Yeah. The budget's like around the world. So he's shooting New Zealand next week. So he's going to have that set there.

And then I fly there. Yeah. So they said I fly to Peru. Then I finished the movie in Peru. That's great. And what's crazy is I start right after that. I start a movie with The Rock. The Rock and I are doing like a it's called Transitioning. And it's called The Rock in the Hard Place. Bro. Rock in the Hard Place. Yeah. And that's a very that's a very busy schedule.

Yeah, dude, but it's like that's who I am. That's who I want to be. Yeah. I mean, I would – honestly, with that schedule, I never would say this to somebody, but I think it's appropriate to tell you that I think it's time to quit podcasting. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, it's Tom Hardy, Tom Hanks, The Rock. Like, you're fucking – you're done with this. You're there now. You're done with this. I don't know, but it's like –

It's you guys. You know what I mean? I mean, Bobby Lee, Tom Segura. You think your names aren't ranked as high as Tom Hardy and Tom Cruise? I don't. I don't think so. I don't. And I think they would mock us if they met us. Yeah. Can we start with this? Last night,

Yeah. Papa's trying to sleep. You know, Papa, Papa, that's me. Papa likes to sleep. And I'm about to get to bed. And then all of a sudden, you know, sometimes I'll cap the night off with, you know, going on the internet and whatnot. And then, you know, you get the news that...

Trump has the COVID. I know. Right? And then I didn't sleep for 12 hours. I was just laying there just fucking reading and Googling. What was your first emotion when you found out? I prayed. You did not. I didn't. As Jules knows, as Andrew knows, I'm a Jesus freak. I believe in the Lord.

And I got on my hands and knees. And I'll tell you the fucking prayer I did. Dear Lord, Heavenly Fathers. To you, to which is each his own. So I follow up with that. Wait, who are the Heavenly Fathers? Zeus. Cleopatra, because she's up there. We've got Jesus. Definitely. He's like the captain or whatever. He's an admiral up there. We've got Noisy.

Some people call it Moise. Yes. I call it Moses. We've also got the Holy Ghost.

And he's like the ninja of up there. Yeah. Because you can't really see. He's not really around. You can't see him. Do you feel like the Holy Ghost is Asian? He could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy Ghost has like a cloud mask on. Yeah. It looks like COVID mask, but like he's got the eyes. Dude, ninjas are so tight. So, yeah. And so Holy Ghost is like a cloud ninja. How much? Did you dress up as a ninja as a kid? Yeah, multiple times. And it's pronounced Holy Ghost. Holy Ghost.

Hori Ghost. Hori Ghost. That's a microaggression. And so... Wait, you're not offended by that? What? The Hori Ghost? No, because that's what ninjas are. Hori Ghost. I mean, that's what we call it. Yeah, Cloud Ninjas.

I'm very offended. I'm offended by it, yeah. Okay, okay. I'm very offended by it. That's what I was making sure. A lot of things that he says is very offensive. But as an ethnic person trying to survive in this world, I try to let it go. Trying to survive. Trying to survive. The guy has like five television shows and five movies going right now. Shut up. Hey, fuck you, all right? Fuck you, Bobby. You're in Beirut with Tom Hanks and Tom Hardy and all the Tom's. You have five movies going right now? No, I got nothing going. All right, I don't know what you're saying. Liar! Liar!

Liar. Tell him what's going on. Does he make racially charged statements like that with the words and everything often? He does. Like the other day he goes, hey, he just calls me out. He goes, what is the direct translation of Ching Chong?

And I go, yeah, he does. I go, I think Ching Chong is just, you know what I mean? Just generic. Not a generic thing that white people say to Asians back in the day. That is not true. I called you and I said, does Ching Chong mean anything? I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. And I said, no, it's just, it doesn't. And so he hangs up. And then an hour later he goes...

You know, when you drive it, I don't think it's safe for you to drive at night. And I go, why not? And he goes, because you're not going to be able to see much.

Yeah. Right. So I go, that's not true. I have great. I can't see peripherally. Why can't you see peripherally? Because my eyes are slanties. Wait, is this a true thing? Yeah. Seriously? I can only see a straight ahead. And it's also like this. Yeah. It's like a horse, like a horse blinder. It's a horse blinder. Yeah. And it kind of, you know, it kind of curves off like this. Have you considered the surgery where they open it up? I refuse. I refuse.

because i don't want to see that much yeah yeah i don't want to see it like that's a good point i don't want to see everything right right yeah i just want to see this much right right so your eyes are perfect right so i go no i can see this much on the road so it's fine but so my prayer let's go back to the prayer dear lord i said oh that's right and i go please in your heavenly arms right please cuddle

Please coddle our great leader, Donald Trump, and make him good. The strength of America is behind him right now. Right, make him good and make him fine. And he does not deserve this. Nobody does, right? And dear Jesus in heaven's name, amen to you and all. Wow, that's a really nice prayer. That's a really, really nice prayer. So that's what I did. When I found out that he had it, I did the prayer. And then you go into the conspiracy theories.

Right. One of them being right. He's faking it. I've heard this sympathy. Yeah. I don't buy that conspiracy theory. I don't either. Because what do you Andrew? Because you'd have to get so many people involved. Here's how you know that that he's actually sick.

His whole thing, his whole persona is based on like, I'm tough. I'm strong. I don't need that. That shit doesn't apply to me. Things don't bother me. The very fact that he would allow himself to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital. Believe that's right. That's that's something that he would not want to do. They also landed the helicopter as close as they could to the door. Yeah. No,

No, he's sick, man. He's like, pull it up right to the door. They're like, we'll die if we do that. We have to do five feet away. You know what I mean? He's like, I can't. And he barely, he made it. They're like, the blades are going to go through the fucking cement here. And he's like, no, no, no, no. So he did make it in there. And you're right. I think his ego wouldn't allow it. Absolutely. That's why you know it's real, I think. Yeah. But you know, I feel. But then he'll probably, they'll probably say like, he was on a respirator. Temperature's 106. And when he comes out, he'll be like, not that bad. It really wasn't bad.

I'm a strong guy. I'm strong guys. It just doesn't fuck with. Yeah. But it really is. I was telling Andrew earlier because we waited three hours for you to arrive and we would have waited forever. I am sorry. I already apologized. I'm sorry. You are the Thomas, Sir Thomas.

Sir Thomas, okay? And we know. I'll tell you this. This is actually just more wholesome than the only other time that I completely forgot I was scheduled to do a podcast. Yeah. So this is the second time. Today, as I said, a big tennis match. You know, I was out in the sun. I got home, showered, laying on the couch. Literally, Andrew's like, let me know when you get there. And I was like, fuck. Right? And I just panicked. Yeah.

Yeah. Got my kid dressed and I was like, yeah, you guys got to watch him. And I just jumped in the car. The last time was in 20. God, I want to say this is 2012. Holy shit. But I remember it like it was yesterday. And I had agreed to do the Sklar Brothers podcast, which is one of the best. They're great. They're great guys. And they're like, hey, will you, you know, come on on Friday and see you at noon? And I go, yeah, OK.

I'm jerking off, looking at my phone, watching porn, like stroking my... And it just... You know, the iPhone thing. It's like Randy Sklar. And I'm like... And as soon as I see his name, I'm like, fuck! So he's like, are you close? And I was like, to coming? Yeah. I'm like...

And then I just had to do the whole thing where I couldn't, I mean, I didn't want to tell him what I was doing, but he knows now. Randy, when he texts me, I come anyway. It's really strange. The moment, bing, I see it just will come out. Just jizz. I'm going to be honest with you. I never have ever, and ask them, have called them by their name. Yeah. Because I don't know who's who.

I know you don't. I really don't. I know you don't. I always go, what's up? The brothers are in town. If I see them both. Oh, where's your other better half? I'll do something like that. I've never felt more in sync with you because I absolutely refuse to try. And sometimes they do the thing where they're like, hey, I got the glasses. It's Jason. You're like, I fucking know. I know. You think I don't know it's you, Jason? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so I don't know the difference, but they're great guys. They are. And what a talent. Does Ching Chong really not mean anything? I think Ching Chong means hello, maybe. Can we just address something about it, though? Go ahead. It's a fun thing to say. It's unfortunate that it has negative racial connotation because it really –

It really feels... It flows off the tongue. It flows off the tongue. Tell me you guys have seen, there is a very offensive meme, okay? It's a mentally handicapped Asian guy, and he's a maestro of an orchestra. I know exactly what you're talking about. And it says, and a one, and a three, and a ching-chong potato. Yeah. And it's...

Easily the funniest meme I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, right. Is it offensive? Yeah. Yeah. It's just very funny. Very funny. But also, like, it also, it would be nice if it was acceptable to use for, like, you know what I mean? Like, let's say you were like, hey, you know, my mom made this dish. And I was like, what is it? And then you could be like, it's just some ching chong shit, you know? You know?

The worst is you'll see comics if you walk into a green room. There are some comics, and they can't help themselves. They'll go... When I walk in. They do that to you when you walk in? Yeah, when I walk in. And then I've been conditioned to laugh at it. But it hurts. It burns. Really? Yeah, it burns. But you have to go, hey, that's a good one! You know what I mean? You've seen it 30 million times in your life, right? Of course, yeah. But sometimes they go...

And then they giggle. You know what I mean? People are really doing that. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you walk in the room. Yeah. Well, tell Tom about you learning about microaggressions. All right. So yesterday I went to – I was just Googling things. This is before I found out that Trump had COVID. And then I went to my high school. I'm obsessed with my high school. So I went to Poway High School. I Googled that on YouTube. And then they go – Wait. You're obsessed with your high school? Dude, it's so pathetic. He wants to be in the high school hall of fame. They don't respect me.

He wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni. They don't like me. How are you not in the notable alumni? I am on Wikipedia, but I'm not by them. Oh, right. Is this a big high school? It's pretty big, yeah. They don't find me to be a credible entity.

when it comes to like fame. Hmm. Right. They think that like, that's kind of hard to believe, man. Well, they have people that are like, if you look it up, we've done this before on the show where you go, you Google, you know, they're, you know, notable, um, yeah. Alums, alums. And it's like, you know, Ving Trang who, you know, plays the violin for the orchestra. How many seasons were you on mad TV? Eight. Come on, man. Like that alone. They don't care.

That thing was on the air for eight fucking years? Well, the show was on air for 14 years.

The one that you were on, though. Yeah, but I was on the show the last eight years of Mad TV. Wow. Yeah. I met you on the street. I met you on the street when you were doing that. I remember that. No, you don't. What a great day. You don't remember it. I have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street. He says this all the fucking time. Go ahead. Tell him. You're with some tall blonde, really tall. Was she cute? Yeah. She was like 6'1". Look at it.

I was super... I was, like, excited to meet you. Yeah. And we started riffing, like, a bit right there on the street. Yeah. And you hopped on my back. That's right. Yeah. You don't remember that. You don't remember that. Yeah, I do. I hopped on your back, and I go... I whipped you, and I go...

Gallop on! No, that's not the bit. Patty! Nope. No? Nope, it was about a fire rescue thing. Oh, it was? I was rescuing you from a burning building. Tom, let me just say something. When I see people with your body type, I always jump on the back. Just body type meaning, you know, I can do deadlifts? No, no, no. Body type meaning that you're not, you know, morbidly fat like some people we know.

Right. And you're but you have a thickness to you. I'm a thick boy. Yeah. And it's that's not a bad thing. And you can you believe he's saying this? Bobby, you're basically like you're just a squished figure of a taller fat guy. Bob, that's all. You're just if somebody accordion to taller fat guy. Jules like that one. Yeah. And hey, Andrew, it's true. What you talk like you're not like you call him thick. You have such a rotund belly. You have a potbelly. I'm fat.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not denying that. Yeah, but you say you jump on his back. Because I'm smaller. A smaller fat guy is going to jump on a fatter fat guy's body. Right. It's not the reverse. I'd get crushed by him. Is that in the code? You think I would crush you? I don't think you would. I think I'd be able to handle your weight. Yeah. Don't get offended because you're doing us a favor. Thank you so much for being here. Hey, hey, hey. I think you're very handsome.

But, I mean, you're also taking jabs at my body. You know, that's not even a microaggression. That's really not part of, like, society today to come after my physicality. That's true.

That's true. And I'm very sensitive about it. Yeah, but can I just say something right now? I'm going to tell you I found out what microaggression was because I went to the Poway High School YouTube. What's the name of the high school? Poway High School. Poway? Yeah. In Hawaii? No, it's in San Diego. Okay. And they did a video on microaggression. Okay. And I'd never heard of the word before. You'd never heard of this? No. And then I was laughing at their –

at their sketches of what a microaggression is because I thought it was a comedy video. But then at the end, they're like, don't do any of these. And I go, oh, fuck, this is what my life is based on. So then I realized that my comedy is based on microaggression. For those of you who don't know, I'm going to just tell you the definition of it, if I may. Okay. Okay.

Microaggression is a term used for brief and commonplace daily verbal or behavioral indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative – I just said that so Asian – derogatory, or negative attitudes towards stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups.

That's a lot to digest. Yeah, so I'll give you an example. Okay. And this is what you shouldn't do. Okay. If you see, if you're hanging out with your Mexican friend. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And you go, hey, Pedro. Or Jose. Or Frank. Sure. It could be Frank. It could be Frank. It could be Frank. We don't know. Okay. Right? And that's what my point is. Right? It could be Frank, Castillo, Ramirez, Sancho. Right? Okay. And what do you do? So I go, Frankie, I just want to let you know, man, you know, I don't think, you don't act Mexican to me. That right there is a microaggression. Right. He go, hey, bro.

Right? Yeah. Hey bro, what you mean bro? Right? Yeah. It's just that you don't know how to play an almaracchi.

Bruh, you know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? I do rap, though, bro, or whatever it might be. Right. I don't think that's a microaggression. Is it a microaggression if I go like, hey, Bobby. Yes. There's a sushi place across the street. What's it like? Yes, that's a fucking microaggression. Why? But it looks like a good spot. I know, but would you ask Andrew that? No, it's fucking redhead. I know. You wouldn't want his opinion because he has no good taste buds. Right.

Right. He likes boiled beef. Yeah, boiled ham and shit. Yeah, boiled beef and cabbage. Right. That's what his types of people like. But if there was a pizza place across the street, I'd be like,

Hey, Andrew, what's up with that pizza place, man? You're right. It's delicious. Yeah, it's good? It's delicious. I think I'll get a slice on the way out. But that is a microaggression, apparently. It is, right? Yeah. But here's the thing, though. Are you of the mentality that like, and I'm glad that we're getting into these microaggressions and putting it out there, or are you like, this is fucking nonsense? No, what I'm trying to do is because this is, you know, they say about the pendulum swinging. Yes. Right? It's swinging the other way, right? Yeah, yeah. And so I'm just trying to adapt to a new world.

And I'm going to tell you this right now, I want to change.

What do you want to change? I don't want to do no more microaggressions. You could do it to me. I like it. You like the microaggressions? Oh, I love them. So wait, do you like when you walk in the green room and they're like, bong, bong, bong, and like all that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. What? I thought you just said you hate it. You know what I also love? I told you about that guy that I was on a flight and some redneck comes up to me and he goes, you could tell he wanted to talk to me. He didn't know how to bring it up. So he just goes, hey, man. I go, what's up?

He goes, my daughter, she loves Hello Kitty. That's all he said? Yeah, just to bring up a conversation. Yeah. And see, as an ethnic person, I know where he's coming from. That he's trying. Right, he's trying. So for me, the trying in itself. To be fair, the guy that created Hello Kitty, you look strikingly like. That's the problem.

That's a good point. Yeah, but why would I be in the middle seat of a Southwest Airlines seat? Because you're just trying to save some money. Yeah, man. Not everyone – All I see – so his assumption is, man, he's group E. That guy is group E. Hello Kitty guys. Hello Kitty guys, group E on Southwest like the rest of us. Yeah, yeah. He's a common man. You should have said, how did you know it was me? Right.

How'd you know it was me? All right, played along. Right? No, wait. When he did that, because you at that point can go, what the fuck are you telling me that for, right? But how did you- Well, I'm sure, I know like John Cho. Yeah? John Cho would have been like, hey man, that's fucking crazy what you just said. He would have said that. Right? Because I know how John Cho is, right? My kid loves Hello Kitty. Yeah, yeah. But I would have been like, you know what I mean? What I was like was like, hey man, that's cool. Yeah. I think it's good stuff too.

You did. Yeah. I love it too. And he was like, I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I could have gone like, yeah, you know what? When I was creating Hello Kitty. That would have been fun. I was going to make him black. Yeah. At first. But I'm like, I don't know, man.

The next time a white person says any Asian reference as an opening to conversation, you should immediately act like whatever they reference is what you started. You know what I mean? Right. Like if somebody was like, hey man, I love that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. You'd be like, you know when I was writing it, I didn't know where I was going to go with it.

And then they'll be like, wait, you wrote that? And you're like, oh, I thought that's why you said that to me. Yeah, yeah. Or they say, man, my favorite food is Chinese, China food. Well, it's so funny. You know, my name is Piaf. Yeah. Right. And my family started this restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We started Piaf Chang's. He'll be like, what the fuck? Really? Yeah. And you know that fucking beef that we do, the double beef? Yeah. You know, the double beef is like, you know, Chinese people usually cook it one time.

Right? But I was the one, right? Because I'm PF, right? Let's do it twice. Twice. You know what I mean? You know, you're just going to freak them. They'll be like, I'm sorry, man. This is my friend Johnny Sanchez, right? He started the refried. They fried it one time, right? Johnny would tell him. And Johnny would be like, yeah, dude, we fried it twice. And like, look, it's a hit. What's the hottest Asian shit right now? I'm trying to think. What's like of...

In the last, well, Crazy Rich Asians, that was about it. BLM. No, that's Black Lives Matter. What's it called? What's it called? BR. BTS. You know, we talked about those pop groups. And then yesterday, I opened Twitter. You know, you go to the trending page. And it was that a pop star, they're like, oh, we saw his pack of cigarettes yesterday.

in his pocket and that was a worldwide trending topic that one of the pop singers smokes. It's crazy. I didn't know the group or anything but there's like a million tweets about this kid smoking.

Well, that's the bad boys. He's the bad boys. He's the bad boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, also, I want to announce, we talked about it before the show, Joe Biden said it on his Twitter, it's National Filipino Awareness Month. Oh, boy. Wow. Well, congratulations there, Jules. Jules. Yeah. That's exciting. How do you feel about that, Jules? I don't know, because I'm not Filipino-American.

Oh, it only applies to the nine guys in America that are Filipino-American. You're not Filipino-American? No, but I'm from the U.S., and I'm just staying here to study. You're from the U.S.? No, Philippines. Oh, okay. Why are you nervous right now? Because Tom Seger is a big star?

Yeah, she Googled you and she's your big star. So she gets really flustered. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't get so nervous. Everything's like, he's just like everyone else. Wait, you're just here studying? Yeah. How long are you going to study? I'm thinking about going to college here. What are you studying now? I'm in high school, senior year. You're a senior in high school? All right. Yeah. And so when we were talking about jerking off, you know, that was cool. Sorry about that.

You know what I mean? Sorry, Jules. Yeah, sorry, Jules. How's high school going? Yeah, it's comfortable now. Yeah, how's high school? She's doing good. Wait, do you have children in here all the time? She's our... She's... Okay, so, you know, I'm dating Kurosawa. Yes. Yeah, and Kurosawa is from the island of the Falapans. Yeah. And...

And apparently they have families as well over there, like everyone else. And she has a sister. Her name is Honey. And Honey has a daughter. Happens to be her. Okay. So Kurosawa is your aunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So are you staying with them? She's been living with us since the pandemic. How horrible is that to live with him?

It's okay. That's great that you said that. That's an honest reaction. We started there. Let's get some specifics. What is something that I do that you don't agree with? Maybe mostly everything. Okay, well that's now an attack. What about the booger collection? What about the booger collection, Jules? So what is it that you don't like?

Um, he puts boogers in my room, like at the side. And then I told him not to put it and then he said, "You can't tell me what to do." And he was serious? Yeah. Bobby, why are you torturing her like that? Tom, how is that? Tom, he's 49 years old and he puts boogers on her doorway. On the sweet child's... Yeah, fuck you! Fuck you, alright? I'm sorry. I apologize.

But I just want to say this to defend myself. I've never had a teenager in the house before. I didn't buy the book. There's no instructions. So I just don't know what to do. Bobby, there is no book. But if there was, it certainly would say don't put boogers on them. And if I read that in a manual of some sort, then I probably wouldn't. But at the time, it seems I don't know what to talk to her about. So I'll walk into her room and I go, how's school?

And she's like, "It's okay." "You getting good grades?" "It's fine." And I'll just go,

I mean, you know, why is that the solution? That doesn't seem like that. How do you get to that step? Why? Because I get uncomfortable because I don't know what to say and how to mold her. You know, I mean, her mind. Right. Because, you know, as a I guess I'm a parental figure. Right. I don't know how to. I've never took a class or anything. So it's like I can't help it with schoolwork.

She's like, you know, B equals minus 12B and pi equals the Bunsen burner. And I'll be like, that's way out of my pay grade. Here's a booger. You know what I mean? Just to have some sort of interaction. How do you like the way – is he a good partner to your aunt? Yeah. Yeah. He makes her laugh. He makes her laugh. Yeah. He has the joy of life. He's obviously a wonderful lover as well. Yeah. You've heard about that? Yeah.

Yeah. You meant my rabbit style? Is that what you're saying? I was just making. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then is he. You know how girls are always like, I just want a guy who's funny. Yeah. Right. But and then once they get the guy that's funny, they realize you also need other characteristics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so she has she's like, he's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I have other skill sets. Let's say. Yeah, what are they? Okay, I'm going to tell you. I'm funny. Yeah. You know, I'm also. That's the one we got covered. Okay, we got that covered. Here's another thing I do. I don't have a problem with her. What? What? Yeah, I don't have a problem with her. What do you mean? There's nothing that she does that bothers me. Kurosawa.

Nothing bothers you about her? Not really. You know what I mean? It's like I let things pass by. What's like a thing that could bother you, but you're like, I'm not going to say anything? Well, she thinks that I'm not coordinated. Okay. But that's not really... Yeah, so she'll say stuff like, be careful walking down the stairs.

In my mind, I'm like, bitch, I've walked down so many fucking stairs. You don't even fucking know. I'm a stair master, bitch. But you keep your mouth shut. I keep my mouth shut. And so then I'll walk down the stairs and be careful. To be fair, your weight, for some reason, your weight, you do lean forward when you walk. Yeah. Wait, what do you weigh? Oh, my God. He's top heavy. I'm top heavy. I weigh about 175 pounds.

That's it? Yeah, but I'm 5'4". 4'11". I'm 4'11". That's not good. 175? Yeah. How much do you weigh? 235. Yeah, yeah. But you're tall. How tall are you? 6'8". Yeah. So there you go. 6'8". Plus muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat. Yeah. Right? She'll say stuff like, don't play Candy Crush on the freeway.

But wait, that sounds like that she's supposed to say that. To me, it doesn't, though. It bothers you that she's calling you out. I'll roll my eyes. I'll go, ooh, and I'll put the fucking phone down. Right. Right. There's just certain things like, oh, here's a thing. Hey, what's for dinner tonight? And she'll be like...

I don't know. I was thinking about making salmon. We had salmon last night. Yeah. Right? And I'm a man that needs variety. So you're like, hey, fuckhead. I'll just get the pizza. She goes, I'll go, fuck. In my head, I'll be like, hey, I'll go, how about if I make a pizza? She goes, your blood pressure.

And I'll be like, I'll eat the fucking salmon then. In my mind, right? Yeah. But in my mouth, I'll go, okay, we'll have salmon. Yeah. It bothers me, but I don't like... But if, you know, she has so many problems with me, right? Yeah. Yes. What do you mean? Yeah, I mean, just how could you not? Like...

You say it like it's like, can you believe she has so many problems? It's like, yeah, dude, it'd be fucking mind bending if she was like, no, it's all good. He's super easy to live with.

Wait, so, I mean, that seems right, but also, Jules, as a roommate for now, what, six, seven months or something? Yeah. More? What are some things you think he could work on in addition to not wiping boogers on your wall? Maybe more responsible because he almost burned the house last week. Oh. Okay. More than once. Twice. More than once. How did you almost do it? In the kitchen? Burner? No. What?

Well, as you know, I'm down to two cigarettes a day. That's something I was very well aware of. So as you know, and that's a good thing. Thank you for starting with as you know. As you know, and I want the people on Twitter to back me up on that and congratulate me. I think that's a big deal. But sometimes I forget to...

to put out there. This is a big boo-boo. I know it is, and I'm admitting it right now. Right? I'm admitting it right now. Were you sleeping with it? Like, was it one of those things? No, no. I just go outside, and I'll be like, I'll Google stuff, and I'll go microaggressions. Yeah.

And just read about it. I go, that's crazy. I do this all the time. I'm a bad person. You know what I mean? And I'll just put the cigarette down. I'll go inside. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of putting it out. Yeah. So that's not a good thing. Another thing that I do is I pee in her favorite plant. In whose favorite plant? No, not yours. At the Kalilas? Well, no, because there's a bush outside that she really likes. I don't give a fuck about no bushes. I've never been a bush fan, by the way.

I don't care about weeds. I don't give a fuck. You don't like any bushes. Yeah, I like trees. You gotta breathe. Right, but I'm not... It's just a big bush. Yeah, but I'm not like a fan of vines. When you... Can I ask you this? When you reach back to the old country, when you're talking...

When you're talking to the fam and they're like, what's going on? Are you like, we need to get Kalilah out of here? Or do you go, we need to save her? Things like that? No. No, okay. All right. Just making sure. So anyway, she said, will you please look at me right in the eyes? We have three bathrooms at home, right? Just pee in the toilet, right? Because you're pissing on that plant that I like.

And I go, I know, but I'm out here. I don't want to go back in there. So I'm smoking and I'm Googling microaggressions. Are you enclosed? Like are other people seeing you piss? No, I purposely put the shades down if I'm going to do it.

Shades? Right, because I do it outside. Okay. There's a bush outside, so I have a machine that does it. Okay. So I go, ah. Tom. Yeah. The mistake is you're saying, do neighbors see you? Yeah. Bobby just does that so no one inside his own home watches him piss in a bush. Yeah, I don't want them to catch me. But what about the neighbors? No, because I have, like, enclosures. Enclosures. Yeah, so. Enclosures. Yeah, so then I'll pee on the bush, and then she'll go, what the fuck?

And I'll turn around. I'll turn around. I go, oh, fuck. Man, she puts up with a lot. Yeah, yeah. She caught me again. And I go, this is the last time. Yeah, but why? Why do you like... I think you do that as an act of defiance. Yeah, I need to defy a little bit. That's my... Yeah, why? Because that's been my whole life is to defy against the rules. Because if you take away drugs and alcohol, which they have, you know what I mean? Which I have. I've weeded drugs and alcohol out of my life, right? Yeah.

And then, along with the pandemic... No weed? No. I'm in AA. So, along with the pandemic, I can't leave the house, really. Because we're very mindful about it. You know what I mean? What is there left to do? Pee on the bush. Oh, that feels good. Yeah, pee on the fucking bush. There's nothing else to do. That feels good. That feels good to me. It's like, I'm going, yeah, I got this! Actually, that makes more sense now. Thank you so much. That makes more sense now. I also pee... They don't even know this. I'm going to admit something. And I have to clean it up. But...

If you look in the garage, there's a lot of – I drink Creation juice. Creation juice? Yeah, it's a company called Creation. It's a juicery that makes – and they're like $13 to $15 for a bottle of fresh-pressed juice. So I get fresh-pressed juice during the day, and I'll get like five or six bottles. And I'll be playing video games. I'll just down a fucking Creation juice. He's spending $350 a day on juice. No, that's so –

I'll drink it and then I'll be playing Warzone. I'll play Ground Wars so you're in the battle for 45 minutes. You can't just press pause in it because it's live. I'll have an empty creation juice and I'll just go, fuck it, and I'll just pee in it. I'll go, fuck it, I'm not going. I'll pee in it.

And I'll throw it away later. But then I forget. Right? And the next thing you know, you have 15 bottles of PG. Of piss? Yeah. Everywhere? Look at her face. Yeah, she doesn't look like... She doesn't look happy. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is, again, you're like, this is what my aunt...

Which, this doesn't come out until a couple days, so I'm going to have to go tonight and throw away all those bottles. You got to throw those away. You got to. So you don't do anything like that at home? No one pees in bottles. Nobody pees in bottles in their own home. I peed in a bottle in a car. In a road trip. Yeah, like a grown-up. Not at the house.

You've never done that? I've never peed in a bottle in my house. Definitely not. That's my bad. I have pissed in the backyard before. There we go. There we go. That's another thing we haven't commented. That feels good. Have you done that?

Yeah, I pee in my backyard when I – yes, I pee in my backyard. Well, there you go. I don't feel bad for peeing on the plant. Yeah, but I don't get yelled at for peeing on stuff in my backyard. It's a different thing though. Like if, Andrew, if your wife was like, hey, there's this one spot though. I really appreciate you not pissing here. And then you go, well, that's where I'm going to piss every time. That is weird. Yeah, I think about it. That's weird. What else do I do? Other than that –

Well, I invite ants. Ants? Yeah, yeah. I have a drawer of ants. Why do you have a drawer of ants? Because at 3 and 4 in the morning, I need my snacks. Oh. Yeah, so I have sunflowers. What time do you go to bed? 6 in the morning. So I have my sunflowers to eat. And you sleep until? Tom, he goes to bed at 6 a.m., and then he's up 30 minutes before we shoot this show. About 3.30, 4 p.m. This is wild, dude. It's great.

It's great. It's America. It's American life. It's American life. It's American choice. It's called freedom. Does she mimic your sleep schedule? No. No. She's already – like this morning – well, this afternoon I woke up and I go, oh. I always stretch my arms out, right, because they're in pain because I sleep like this. You know what I mean? So I'll go, oh, and I hear –

You know what I mean? My bones, like, you know what I mean? Disconnecting and stuff. Yeah. And then I'll look over to see Kalilah and she's gone. Yeah. And then she's already, like, she has her yoga. Of course. She's done things. She's done a lot of things. Went to the grocery, went to the beach. It must be crazy, though, for you on a job.

To go from this schedule to they're like, all right, call time is 5.30. Are you just like, uh. I don't sleep. Really? Yeah. And you work the whole day like that? Dude, like the last job, when I was in Hawaii, I was on Magnum PI. I was in every single scene, right, the whole week. I was the first one they picked up, the last one they dropped off. I didn't sleep for five days. By the fifth day, I was just like.

You know what I mean? Like, I couldn't say a word. I was so tired. Tom, you saw those episodes of Magnum P.I. You did. They were so good. Those are actually... You know what? Fuck you. No, I'm being serious. Tom and I talked about it. He goes, dude... He texted me and he goes, dude, I didn't know Bobby was in Magnum P.I. And I said, yeah. And he goes, he's fucking killing it. And I was like, I know. Who said that? I said it. Who do I play on it? Play Kevin. No.

Is that not the right name? No, no, it's not. What is it? Yeah. If you were even remotely close, I would have given you it. Kelvin. Kelvin? No, I don't play Kelvin. Who do you play? Jin. Jin? Yeah, yeah. Completely different. Jin like the dress? Not even the ballpark. Jin like the dress? That sounds like a microaggression. No, J-I-N, Jin.

What? It sounds like a microaggression. It's a microaggression, yeah. Calling you Jin. Your name should have been Kevin, less racist. But Jin, oh, here comes a Jin, very racist. Yeah, I don't have an accent in it. No, that's everyone else. Oh, here comes a Jin. You do that? What? No? Well, before every line I do, but then I do it in an American accent. I go, oh, what's up, Magnum?

This is a great character. Yeah, it's a good choice. That is a good choice. It's an acting choice. What's going on here, guys? Is that your grandfather behind you? No, that's me. See, that's not you. That's a microaggression. No, it looks like your grandfather. That's me. Yeah, but you realize that I'm right when I say that. Does that look like Andrew's grandfather? Let me see. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Is that your grandfather? Yeah, it's my granddad. Oh, that's cool.

He looks just like you. Do you want to talk about moving, Tom? It's not a done deal or anything, you know? We're just, like, very much... Bobby was worried. Bobby said, why is everyone moving? I'm worried that everyone is moving. Yeah. Okay, because I think I've got to put a stop to it. You know, I just... Everyone. I don't know anybody that's not, except for this fuck, right? And Sebastian Malascauco. They might leave, too. Now he's talking about, hey, maybe Denver. Yeah.

Denver is awesome. Yeah, I love Denver. I love Denver too. Yeah, but I just fucking bought a house. I can't move yet. Why? Sell your house. Because I like where I live. Okay, that's fair then. I know, but I don't want everyone to move. But now you need to. I was looking at houses in Austin. And? There's a couple I like. There you go. If I go there, I don't know what to do because I, you know, here's the thing. It takes me, I'm like an animal.

You know, I'm like a snow leopard. Yeah. I have to memorize everything. Would Kalilah move? I don't think she wants to either because her family's here. Her whole family's here? Yeah, her sister and her mom and stuff. You know what I mean? That's her family. They all live in L.A., though. They live in L.A., and it's like, you know, it's like... Yeah, that makes sense. And my friends are moving. You know, I don't know Joe... I love Joe Rogan. I think it's his fault, though. No, I don't really think so because this exodus, I mean...

you can point to him, but there's a huge exodus outside of our world. You know what I mean? New York and LA specifically. Okay, let me ask you something. What are the benefits? Well, there's a couple of big ones. Tell me. You want specifically Austin? No, just tell me Austin and tell me why. What are the benefits of moving out of LA? Well, okay. Taxes. I mean, that's a big one, obviously. There's zero state income tax.

Whereas in California, we have the highest state income tax in the nation. Not only that, we are now in a big deficit because of COVID. And more than likely, when this new proposal hits the floor, they'll raise the highest rate to a new highest rate. Okay. Okay? They'll have three tiers of tax rate on them. Then there's other things like lifestyle, right? So some people, you know, like you can love wherever you live, but like...

Let's say if you were going to Austin, you would more than likely, if you looked at those houses, have bigger yards, maybe a bigger house, newer things like that. That is true. Less congestion, a little less people. But a city like that offers a lot, right? I mean, they have a huge music scene, great restaurants. And they're groovy whites.

They're groovy whites. Yeah. As somebody that tours a lot, it's definitely a lot easier to tour from the middle of the country than the southwest corner. That's true. That's a good point. You know, I mean, look, but the thing about cities is it's a feel thing. You got to go and like you spend time, you know, in Denver or Nashville or wherever you might go. And it's a thing that you have to feel like you want to live there. Like Bobby said, he was thinking about Portland and...

You know, Portland might be right for you, Bob. I feel like a very strong Bob vibes when I'm in Portland. I'll tell you the reason why Portland is not, aside from like the radical things that you were saying, you know. What was I saying? I was talking about how they've been protesting for like 117 days straight. I just like, in terms of weather, I like it. And it's one of the worst weather cities in the United States. I just like rain. I like the moodiness of the rain. I like trees. What about Seattle? Yeah.

That too. That would be a surprise as well. No state income tax. No state income tax at Seattle, right? That's right. But I'll tell you the benefits of LA. Okay. For me. Koreatown. Big, big benefit. Yeah. Koreatown. I lived there. Yeah. Koreatown. First of all, we had Korean food last night. How good was it? It makes me cry. It was so good. How good? Really good. Really good. Do you like Korean food? Yeah. More than Filipino food?

Maybe equal. Wow. Thank you. Koreatown. First of all, where am I going to go to a spa? You don't think that... You think that Austin has a 24-hour spa with old Korean men washing my back?

No. I need that. I need old Korean men washing my shit. You need that specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need Korean men. How you doing, Bob? You know what I mean? I need that, right? There's definitely some good Korean food. So I need 24-hour Korean spa. Okay. I need Korean food 24-7. I can get Korean food 24-7. 24-7 you can get there? Oh, yeah.

I can go to Horderi. That's a 24-hour, you know what I mean? Why don't you go to the original Koreatown and go to Seoul? Why don't you just move to Seoul? That place has so much Korean shit. It does? Yeah. I've heard. I've heard. Good things. So why don't you move there? Because I don't know anybody there, all right? Why don't you step over? Secondly, let me finish, okay? Why don't you step over to DNZ and go to the north and see what's going on over there? Yeah.

Alright, so here's a third thing, alright? Aside from Korean shit, alright? I know right now you guys are reacting to the moment, which you should never do, right? People react to the moment, oh man, the moment's crazy. Comedy clubs aren't fucking up and grunting and whatnot, right? But they will, right? Inevitably they will, right? Bobby's just mad.

That everyone is leaving L.A. and he's building up this defense mechanism, which is talking shit about everyone moving because he's sad that everyone's leaving. Yeah, but I understand that. That makes sense. That makes sense to me, you know, because he doesn't want to be in his little booger castle all alone. Yeah. He wants other people to still be in the city. Well, change is scary and it's uncomfortable and it's so scary. Yeah. I'm so scared about it.

Do you want to tell Tom that you guys adopted a baby? You guys adopted a little child? What? Tell Tom. You've got to be terrible at this. Natron Williams. Natron Williams. And we got it. You got it. Natron Williams, he's a second year senior in Alabama. And they adopted him. We adopted him. That's really cool. He's living in the attic. Of your place? I don't have one.

somebody's that's your son yeah yeah natron williams is my son right do you think you'd be do you want to be a dad bro i would coddle that thing fucking for days on end yeah i would mold and create life i would shape i would shape its mind to be unpenetrable i would teach it i would don't say unpenetrable when you talk about your kid it's such a weird word he won't be

Will you tell me another dad story? So what do you mean? You told me great stories about your dad. Oh, my dad. What a beautiful dad I had. Now, did you ever, when your dad would say things, did you ever talk back or did you learn? Oh, yeah, yeah. If you looked at my dad in a funny way, he would hit you in the face. Really? Yeah. You'd say, you looked at me weird, right? Yeah. And I'd go, I just looked at you. And you would cry. And sometimes he would chase you down the hallway.

Stop looking at me like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I lived in a... Or then you would, like, your dad would... My dad would come home. Right. I'd be sleeping on my bed. My dad would come home. And you could hear him park his car. And then he would open up the garage. So my garage... This is the garage door. Then it was my bedroom, Steve's bedroom, right? Then a guest room. And then my parents' room at the end of the hallway. You would hear the door open. You could hear him do a fucking sprint. Right.

and run. Every night he would do that. Why would he sprint? Because that part of the fucking hallway was haunted. So you're sprinting through it. My brother got possessed. I got possessed once. I had to go in the swimming pool to get unpossessed. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean you had to go in the swimming pool to get unpossessed? My brother was on last week. Check it out. We've talked about this before.

We believe that on our side of the house, we lived on an Indian – because the town was called Poway. We lived on an Indian burial ground. Oh, Poway High School. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Some famous alum. Yeah. And that's called a callback. All right? And that's why you're good. And that's why you're the best in the game. Thanks, man. And that's why you're great in Countdown. Appreciate it. All right? Yes. So then we lived in – so my brother, right –

His eyes rolled back one time and he started convulsing. And my aunt and my uncle and my dad had to hold my brother down. And he was convulsing, right? Because they thought that he was being possessed by a human. Native spirits. So one day I'm taking a nap, right? And I can't move my body. Like something's holding me down.

Why are you smiling? I'm just waiting. No, that's fuck you, man. And that's why I have a hard time. Look it. He's not even fucking paying attention. He's tweeting. I'm reading about Poway High School. Yeah, yeah. So something's holding me down, right? And I go, I can't get up. Wait, why did you have an accent for that?

Because that's my inner voice. Okay, okay. I wouldn't say that out loud. I can't get up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't get up. Right? I cannot do it. Right? Or whatever, right? Yeah, he has an accent. His subconscious has an accent. Yeah, right. And I go, ah, and I fought it, right? Yeah. And I didn't know what to do. So I just run, right, into the laundry room, outside the door, and I jump in the winter-cooled swimming pool with all my clothes on. Yeah.

And I get to the surface and the possession was gone. Right? So we made the mistake of telling my dad this. Oh, boy. The two incidents. So since we lived in the house, he would run through our part of the house. I mean, what did he think when you told him the stories? He goes, no, that's in your mind. Yeah.

That's not real. Right? Oh, no, no, no, no. There's no ghost here. Expensive house. Right? Right. But then he would park and run. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's fucking sabotage for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I didn't have a lot of, did I tell you about, so here's the thing.

When my dad died, I don't know about my family. So when my dad, I was in the room when my dad died. Mm-hmm. Right? Did he have a prolonged health issue? Yeah, he had a stroke. I don't know. I'm asking. I just told you. You said it like, hey, dickhead, how did you not know? No, I told you. No, you asked me. Okay, all right. No, no, no, stop. All right? I hate when white dudes do this. Wait, whoa, whoa. What? I get it. Hola. But, um...

I hate it when people do this. When you ask me... Let's just stop. When you ask me a question and I answer you accordingly and then you go... And then you do some defensive things. I apologize. You're welcome. You had a stroke? Right. And then how long was the... But this is something that I remember. Okay. So the nurse goes... Or the hospice nurse goes, any moment now, he's going to die. What's so funny? What's so funny? What's so funny?

Just the idea of just a nurse going, any moment now. I don't know how that's funny. It's going to happen. Yeah, yeah. Are you guys ready? Yeah, she goes, at any moment. And one, and a two, and a ching chong potato. Right? So then my mom goes, call Uncle Han, my dad's brother. So my dad's brother...

left San Diego, right, to drive to Phoenix. That's where the hospice hospital is, right? Yeah. And he's not there yet. So my mom goes, call him, right? So I call, I go, where are you? He goes, he died. My uncle goes, he dead? I go, no, but he's going to die. And my uncle goes, don't let him die yet. Hold on. Right? And he hung up the phone. And I didn't know what to do. So I looked at my dad. I go, can you not die yet?

Is that weird? Yeah, yeah. But I get that. 15 minutes. Your uncle's almost here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My uncle shows up. My Uncle Han shows up. My dad's already dead. Right? My uncle, I go, dude, he died. Right? My uncle walks in the room. He looks at my dad's body. He goes, okay, okay, okay. He gets back in the car and he drives back to San Francisco.

That's it? He didn't say anything else? He didn't say anything! So I said, I want to go. You could have just stayed home. Yeah. Well, is this Dong Young's? What? Is this Dong Young's? You remember Dong Young? Well, how would I forget Dong Young? No, I have nine uncles and aunts. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Dong Young is just a part of it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so that's what happened. So this guy was just like, okay, and then turned around and got in his car and drove away. Yeah, he could have done that or just stayed home. Well, he could have been like...

You know, do you guys want me to stay? No, he didn't do that. Nothing. No. And he didn't cry. Did you guys have a funeral procession so people could look at him? No. Anything? No, we went. Well, then my mom goes, do a selfie. Do what? Selfie. I have on my phone. You want to see them? They're tragic. And she wanted a selfie with the family. No, she did this one.

So my dad's dead, right? And my brother and I, and she's like, get in, get in. And she did this, and I was just like, you know what I mean? And she goes, it's not working. I know, because I go, it's weird that you want a selfie. She goes, do the timer. I go, what timer? On your phone, time, time, time. So I did the timer, so I set it up, right? And I had to run around my dad's body, right? And then do a photo, right? And we had to do it like three or four times because it clicked automatically.

Too early. So it was my mid body. They got my mid body into the. She wanted this moment. She wanted the moment. Yeah. Well, in order for them to get his pension plan, they needed to do a series of set up shots. So they did a Christmas photo. Yeah. Easter photos. This was all for proof of citizenship. I don't know. Yes. But my mistake was I sent the photos immediately to the Hudson's.

Kate and Oliver Hudson. Why? Because at the time, Oliver and I were on a show together. And so I just wanted to show him that my dad died. And I know exactly that was the wrong move. Yeah. What did he say? Because Kate and Oliver goes, dude, your dad's not really dead in the photo, right?

And I go, yeah, yeah. He goes, you don't send that to people. He told you. Yeah, and now Kate's disturbed. Of course. Yeah, and I go, oh, that's my bad. Yeah, that was definitely weird. But also... Yeah, you want to see him? Well, no, no.

I really feel like that's one of the times when white people get to go like, you know, they're fucking, you know, they're different. You know what I mean? This is probably what they do. Yeah. And then and then they're like, yeah, let's not be judgmental. Yeah. Can I just show you a photo? OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. You've seen them.

Yes, Bobby. Would it horrify you? No, it won't. I actually really liked your guy's song that you came up with afterwards. Yeah, Daddy Why You Die. Thank you. Is that on iTunes? It should be. You could really make some money on that. You think so? Oh, yeah. That shit's a banger, dude. We actually want to do a remix with Vin Diesel.

to daddy while you die yeah i bet he would yeah we're out to his publicist to see if he will oh that's really sad man yeah and who is this my brother that's your brother and that's mom he's just passed here yeah it's very sad man thanks for showing me

See, I can't deal with real shit. Yeah, I know. You have very... You have like high-level comedic wiring. That's like a lot of comedians fall into this. Yeah, my therapist even is confused. She's like just constantly writing notes. Yeah. And it's like she goes...

She goes, in all my history of being a therapist, and I'm a therapist for a lot of comics and a lot of actors and directors and whatnot in the business. I've never even witnessed anything like that before, the way you think and the way you behave. I go, there's no technical term for what that is. And I go, is there no hope for me, doc? And she goes, we'll figure it out.

Yeah. Yeah. But you know what? That means no. But those types of real things make you uncomfortable. I hate it. It's like, you know, last night. But you also had kind of a traumatic upbringing, man. Yeah. Like, even when, like, Kalilah says something real, that's her name, not Kurosawa. Let's just get that out of the way. I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me. Let's get that out of the way an hour and a half into us saying Kurosawa. Kalilah, does your wife, Christine...

That's her name, right? Yeah. Christina. Right. Provenskis. Right. So does your wife ever do this? I really have an issue. And then you go, what? Yeah, of course. And then she goes, she tells you what it is. Yeah. And it's really deep and emotional, right? And it's a big problem.

My body just gets all tingly. So I just feel my body go... Right? And, like, goosebumps. Right? And my mind gets hyper-focused. Yep. Like, this... You know what I mean? And it's almost like an out-of-body experience. Yeah. And I just can't believe... You know what I mean? It's so real. Yeah. Right? Do you ever get that? Yes. Yeah, I think part of that, though, is the fact that, like, guys...

We don't communicate on that level. Like, if you hung out with just guys, like, in college or at the comedy, like, no guy is going to, like, come at you. Like, guys just don't – but women do. Women do communicate on that level. Yeah. It's like I was never taught that. You know what I mean? It's like I was never taught, like, real emotion. Even if a guy – like, Andrew has never come up to me and goes, hey, can I just –

You know, could I tell you something, bud? I go, what, you freak? You redheaded freak of nature. I'll say that, right? Yeah. And he'll go, don't call me that, man. That's what hurts me. It hurts my feelings. I go, you're a fucking albino freak. You should kill yourself or whatever it might be, right? It's very cool. Yeah, but that would never like, we would never have that kind of emotional conversation. There's times when I try to get real with you.

And you don't know how to fucking handle it. Yeah. Yeah. No, I say if I say to you, I'm being serious, Bob, like it really it upsets me or I'm not OK with it. And then you just like, OK, OK, you don't know how to you. I don't know how to do it. You're right. And, you know, I'm glad we're talking about it now. Right. I think we should get it out of the way. Is there something that's bothering you about him right now?

No. Well, in this very moment, no, because he's been a good boy. I've been very happy with him. I think the real question is, Jules, what do you think, Bobby? What do you want to tell him? I think Bobby should be more active and participate more in the family.

Those feelings. I can see it. This is the thing that she was saying. It's like, I don't wake up, right? And I don't go, hey, guys, I have a plan today. Right. And they're like, what is it? Messiah? Master or whatever, right? And I'll go, let's go to the beach. I have it all planned out. You just roll with the flow. Right. I wake up and people just tell me, we're going to the beach. And I'll go, ugh.

Let's go. But you will go. I do go. Yeah. You know, two weeks ago, what was it? We got to go to a baby seance. How could he participate? What was that thing we went to? Baby shower? No, it's the first birthday of Jessica's baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever it is. You know what I mean? You mean a birthday party? A baby seance? I don't know what it was. Some sort of cultural event. How do you think he could participate more? Would one thing be like getting up at a more reasonable hour? Yeah, and like...

He never went to the beach with us. He doesn't like to go. Did I not go to the fuck? You fucking ungrateful little lady. Hey. My bad. I apologize. But did I not, right? You know what I mean? Did I not? Listen to me, little one. What about that one time we went to the beach and we got the Mexican food?

We just went there and watched the beach and ate Mexican food. We didn't swim. Oh, so you want me to go out in the cold water and swim against the current? I'm with you, Jules. And the tide. Okay. I'll do that. And I'm going to say this to you, little one. All right? Who is the guy? Were you here when we went to Hawaii and Kalilah was like, we're swimming with sharks today?

Right? And I go, you know what? But I wasn't there. It doesn't matter. It happened. And I was the one that was like, you know what? I'm going to get involved. I will swim with the sharks no matter what happens, if I die or not. By the way, you have to watch a Netflix show called The Octopus Teacher. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw the trailer. But what else could he do? What else? What else could he do to get more involved? Um.

I feel like he's always in a bad mood. It feels good, huh? It feels good? Well, hold up, Red. It feels good? Okay. You know what? I'm going to say this to you, all right? Just stop. All right? Number one, you are always welcome to live in my house as long as you want. All right? I love you like you're a family member. Even if Kalilah and I, for some circumstance, we break up, right? I've already told you this.

That for the rest of your life, you can always ask things of me and I will be there for you. Right? And I will always be there for you. Okay? And you're very impactful for my life and I really do love you. And I know that you just betrayed me right now in front of the podcast audience. And I know that that's your nature. Right?

But you know that my heart is in the right place. So you have to do some self-inventory, my friend, right? And some analysis, okay? And analyze where you're coming from, lady, because it's ungrateful attitude that's going to get you at the end. Okay? That was a real moment, Bobby. Thank you. Good job. You're welcome.

What? So anybody like worth noting that went to PewDiePie high? Yeah. Well, no, this is this is something about Poway. Poway. There is a Ghost of America site and Poway is on here multiple times. And somebody's what what's the name of the street that you lived on, Bobby? I don't remember. Ranch Hollow Road. Ranch. Ranch Hollow Road. Yes. Yes.

Shut the fuck up. Shut up. There's no thing on Ranch Hollow Road there. I would like to know the history behind Poway Creek. I moved to Poway in October of 96. I've been here since eighth grade middle school. My parents moved to a new house in the Shea Holmes district of Ranch Hollow Creek. I have noticed some of my parents' houses indeed haunted.

Yep, that's exactly it. I wrote that, didn't I? No, this is real. I know it is.

I don't know where you're getting that from, but you know what? If it's real, I believe it. There's a Ghosts of America site. I believe it. And the girl said, I knew that natives had dwelt along Old Poway Creek before the houses were even built. I also know the neighborhood has shifted over the years. Many dirty little Asian people have moved down to my parents' street, and they've ruined the neighborhood and the community significantly.

Perhaps it's some of their old, gross, dirty ancestors that are mucking up the town. That sounds dead on. Ghosts of America. That sounds crazy, dude. Yeah. Ghosts of America. Tommy, I want to say this from the bottom of my heart. I know I did your podcast, which is a very successful one. Probably one of the best in the world. And I really appreciate the help. In fact, you did your podcast, I think, before I did Tiger Belly. How long have you been around?

Doing podcasts? Yeah. About 10 years. Okay, so you were. You're one of the forefathers. And I appreciate that you paved the road for us. Okay. Thanks, man. I'm being real. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, thank you. And I've reiterated, I don't remember jumping on your back. I do remember the one time that I did meet you when we did the oddball tool. That's right. That really says a lot about your heart.

And I know that you were like three or four hours late to this podcast. We waited here forever. I know. I'm sorry. I know you did. I wasn't three or four hours late. Anyway, you probably wouldn't do that if it was anybody else. No. Like Rick Essman's one, you'd probably be there. I forgot and I was up front and I admitted it. I appreciate that you came even though me and Andrew are headliners and we –

We have some weight in the business as well. Yes, you do. And I did yours. I was on time. You were on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I honestly, all jokes aside. Yes. All jokes aside. Go fuck yourself. No, I'm kidding. All jokes aside, I really, all jokes aside, I honestly like when we were, because, you know, when he's in Beirut doing the movie and I didn't know what to do. We had my brother on last week and it's like, who do we get?

And it's like we threw out a thousand names and you were at the top of the fucking list. And I literally went, there's no way we're going to be able to get them. You came through for us. You're here, right? I honestly... I know I'm a fucked up guy. And I have... I just need a lot of help. Peeing on things and setting things on fire. I just have a lot of things. I have a lot of problems. But I'm a damaged guy. But I'm trying to get better. But I really hope that...

the rest of my life that you'll be in it, even though you'll move away and whatnot. I honestly think, you know, like Bert was here, but I think that you're ahead now. Yeah, I mean, I would think that that was already...

A thing for you? I mean, Bert did put me on his TV show. He did? Oh, yeah. The one that we're on, The Log Cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah, The Cabin. That'll be good. Oh, dude, I loved it. I had so much fun doing that, too. Yeah, what did you guys do on your episode? Bert called me. He goes, bro, you're so funny. I can put you in the woods with me in this cabin, and we can just have a great time. And I said, absolutely. Absolutely.

And I went up there, dude, we went water skiing, we went fly fishing. So I don't know. I just hope it stays in the final cut. I'm sure it will. I mean, that sounds like a lot of activities. I'm sure they'll keep one in. Yeah. It's odd, though. I went up there. It's odd, though, because the lineup of it were like real credible people. It's odd that he would like have...

would go underneath that and go, let's get, let's get like underneath people. Whoa. To do one. Jesus. It's just because if you look at the lineup of it, it's like headliner, headliner, credible, credible. You know what I mean? Talent, talent. And then he went, let's go open mic kind of with it and let's do one with Andrew. So it's odd that Netflix would check that off and whatnot. But congratulations that you were in it. Yeah. What is it called again? Yeah.

The Cabin? Yeah, The Cabin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got Tom Hardy, Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Rock's in it. The Rock's in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obama, Brock. There's some really credible comedians on there. Yeah. Kaley Cuoco, everyone knows she's a great touring headliner. Love to see her in there. There we go. Yep. Patty Negri, who's that? Huge, huge. Huge Vegas act. Yeah. Vegas act. Yeah. Anthony Anderson. She's the pre-opener for A Care Topic. Yep.

Caitlyn Jenner, she crushes. Love to see her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Joelle Michele. Very funny. Very talented. Very funny. Yeah, she was a script supervisor for the West Wing. Well, look, I'm glad that I made the final cut. Yeah, man. You're going to love your episode. You know, your little bitch little thing that you just did, right? Oh, I'm not in it. Oh, I'm not. How about this? Fuck not. All right. They're doing a Showtime, right? Documentary on Showtime about the Comedy Store. Yeah. I've been there for 22 years. Yeah.

If you look at the poster, I'm not on the poster. Why not? I don't know why. Who's on it? He is. He's on the poster? He's in there with Richard Pryor and all that stuff. So I don't know why he's bitching, right? Some people get stuff. Some people don't get stuff. But we all get stuff at the end. Yeah, good philosophy. Yeah, but did you guys get paid to do the Burt show? Yeah, like 100 grand? Something like that. Something like that.

I donated it. Yeah, I donated it. It's nothing to me. Showtime. Showtime.

Let me have Showtime. Yeah, yeah. I heard that. I heard that. They gave you the network? They gave him the network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. Not really. Not when you look at my track record. So I just, yeah, I'm going to be taking over Showtime. That's really cool, man. That's great. Congratulations, man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, no shit. Congratulations, Bobby. Yeah. And also CBS. So you'll never get a job again on CBS. Ooh. Ooh. Burns.

Fuck you, Bobby. Fuck me. And my fucking heritage. I love you guys. I'm going to go back to my set in Beirut. Okay, go, go, go. Thank you so much for coming. Get some rest. Yeah, get some rest. Get some rest and some water. And, uh.

Have fun. Do the movie good. Bobby, have fun being up for the next 11 hours. Thank you. I will. I haven't had my first meal yet, so I will have that. That's awesome, man. Okay. And thank you so much, Tom, for being here. I had a good time, guys. It was really fun. Thank you, Tom. Killed it. It was great. Tom, will you sign off? Will you look in the camera and say thank you for being a bad friend? Yeah. Before we go, right? Yeah. Everyone, make sure you check out

My friend's movie. All right. It's called The Opening Act. Thank you for being a bad friend. Steve Byrne in The Opening Act. It's got Ken Jeong, Bill Burr. Everyone's in it. Yeah, yeah, me. You're in it? Yeah, I'm in it. You play the waiter. I'm the cop. That's great. Guess what? I get to do some fun cop shit. Yeah. So, you know...

Me and Andrew auditioned for this opening act. We didn't get the part. Five times. We read five times. I went to producers. You did? I went to producers, yeah. Who were you auditioning to be? Jimmy Yung and Ken Jeong's part. They both picked me out. Yeah, but it's a lot of Asian men. It's a funny movie. It's got great people in it. Bill Burr.

Tom Segura I went out for Bill Burr's part and you didn't get it I didn't get it it's fine hopefully one day Steve will use me I actually I watched it the other day and this is a weird thought to have but I'm being totally honest with it I enjoyed that you weren't in it like at the end of the movie I was like I'm glad Bobby wasn't in it I was like this is so much better that's good

Thank you for being a bad friend. I'm going to chug chug. Bye-bye. Bye. Daddy, I love you. Daddy, why'd you die? Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Daddy, I can fly. Daddy, I miss you. Why are you dead? I need you laying in your bed.

Daddy, I love you.

Why did you die? Fuck you, George.