Synced: The Push Out
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Hello. Hello. I like your set. Thank you. Sweat set. Best sets are sweat sets. That's so true. And you're wearing a sweater that we got together. Yes. Do you wear yours? It was at my parents' house for a while. Right. But it's back. It's back, baby. How was the rest of your New York trip? It was great. May in New York. It's so wonderful.

I caught up with friends. I went on a few dates. And then I had a date event. Right. No, not a good one. Oh, no. I'm trying to like date several people, as you know, in order to not like zero in on people and go nuts. So I had guy number one date planned on Thursday and then guy number two date...

planned on Friday. Okay. And then while I'm on date with guy number one, I get a text from guy number two. And while he was in the bathroom and I was like, okay, I'm not going to respond. I'll respond to this later. Then we walk out. We're like, let's go for a walk. And we run into guy number one. He was kind of looking down. And so that was one of the most awkward situations of my life, I think. Okay. So what happened? So he was like, Liz, this is where like, have you ever

seen someone. I feel like I relate to this like in high school when you would like be on the bus or something and you saw someone you don't really want to like talk to the whole commute or someone you don't really know that well. And you kind of have a sense that they saw you and you're both kind of ignoring each other. That's a little bit what happened when I looked up, he kind of looked down. But then I maintained eye contact because then I was like, oh, I don't want him to think I'm like a void. So then I kind of... You did? Yes. I was like...

And I was like, as I was saying hey, I was like, oh, I blacked out. I mean, like fully lost consciousness. And then I forgot everyone's names. I forgot my own name. And so then I just stood there as they stared at each other. Then they were like, I'm. And then they shook hands and introduced. And they're like, how do you know each other? And they're both like, I'm dating Liz. Oh.

Well, one of, okay, so guy number two definitely understood what was going on. Guy number one who I was on a date with had no awareness, which I guess made it easier in terms of finishing the date. But I could not focus at all. I'm usually a pretty good listener. I'm able to like

throw questions out and follow up questions. But in this instance, yeah, for the last for the last hour of the date, I was just I kept just feeling like mortified. I just felt really bad. OK, let's unpack that. I mean, you shouldn't feel bad. OK, first question. Were they both first dates? No. So the guy was on a date with was a first date. So we just kind of met. But the other one I'd been on a few dates with.

Okay, I guess that complicates. Well, okay, no. So for BTS, we just did a sidebar that will cut. But I know here talking about who was the second date who you've been on dates with, and you definitely, definitely don't owe this person exclusivity. No. Like there should be no assumption that you guys are like dating. No. So I don't know. It's like,

This is the way it goes. People date. I think it's fine. You shouldn't be mortified. Thank you. That was helpful from when it happened. I have a friend who lived really close to where I was and I was just discombobulated. So I went over to her place and that's what she said, too. She was like, it's no big deal. But then like...

He made it a big deal. Yeah. I mean, he joked about it, but then I don't know if I should leave this in, but like it's kind of over. Like it's not. I mean, he didn't say this is unacceptable. You know what I think happened is like he was able to laugh about it and we were able to make jokes. And I also explained I don't typically date several people, not several, but like more than one person. But it's something that I actually am doing so that

On purpose. On purpose, because if I like someone, I don't now zero in on them. And if I like someone, I don't sleep with them. Like, I know it's maybe counterintuitive to people who don't have, like, quote,

codependency issues. But for me, like that's the healthy way of doing it. And so I explained that. But but I feel like I feel like what happened is that like he was hurt and then he just kind of poo pooed a little bit the whole thing. I don't like that. And by the way, that's good information. Like you guys don't even live in the same city. So the assumption that you aren't dating is silly. Yes. And for the record, again, like he didn't. I think everyone's like this, but I think men especially like

When men are hurt, instead of admitting it or feeling it, they'll kind of create distance. But yes, I think it struck a nerve or whatever and then ruined the vibe, I would say. But you're right, like it shouldn't. But when you feel so, if I was really into someone, I would feel so sad. Yeah.

That is a difference between me and you. And we've talked about this, like when I was dating those two guys at the same time. To me, that's so normal. That's expected. Like I expect those people to be dating people too. I don't find it offensive at all. What are we doing? You can't just, if you've been on one date with someone, say, I guess I'm just not dating anyone else until this person from another city decides to make this work with me. Also,

Not to mention that person hasn't been all that. It's not like he came to visit you or anything. Right. And he wasn't really writing to me a lot. Exactly. Yeah, it's funny. I think I would just honestly, I'd be like, oh my God, like I would find it funny. Really? Oh, I felt, oh my God.

Oh, my God. Not you. If I was the guy walking. Oh, you would find it funny. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, this is reality. Like, people are dating other people. And that's how it goes. I just can't believe the coincidence. That's bizarre. It's such a big city. And he doesn't even live around there. Like, it's wild. And again, I was like, maybe that was supposed to—I don't know. Maybe it was. Everything is universe-coded.

Maybe it was supposed to happen because there are things about this person that you really like, but there are things that are maybe not the right fit too. So maybe this was just like the push out. Yeah, the push out.

How was yours? I'm sorry that happened, though. That's uncomfortable. Yeah, it's just still scripted. Yeah, it does. One time I did cancel the date. Oh. We were supposed to hang out later that day or night or something. And I was leaving for out of town the next day. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm just crazy trying to get ready to leave town. Can we reschedule? And he was like, sure. Then I went to the Grove. To be fair to me, it was part of getting ready for the trip. I had to buy some stuff for the trip. Sure, sure.

But this is like,

15 or 20 minutes later, I am like walking down the street to the Grove and he's behind me. What? It's like, oh my God. Wait, what? Yeah, it was uncomfortable. Why does this happen to us? I don't know. I've never heard of this happening to anybody. I mean, I guess let us know if it did, but I feel like... What? That's very strange. I don't want to give it too much meaning, but he was just like, hey...

Yeah, he's fine. Okay. He was just like, hey. And I was like, oh, hey. I think I said, like, I'm going to go get some stuff for my trip, but I probably sounded so... Like a liar. Yeah, exactly. Luckily, he was very chill and did not... I was like, oh, well...

Well, we'll hang out soon. And so are you usually honest? Do you usually say the thing you're doing instead? Or could it happen once where you rescheduled and they would see you at the movie theater with Jess or something? Yeah, that could easily happen. Okay, because I'm like, you did say the truth in that scenario. And so you didn't have to cover up anything. But it still looked like I was like, I have a lot to do. And then I'm just like going to the mall. So it didn't.

look good. But okay, yeah. So normally if I'm rescheduling, what do I say? I think I do keep it pretty vague. I normally say like, I'm so sorry something came up. If Jess and I were at the movies, that came up.

Sure. You don't make up like an intricate. I don't think I've done that. Also, I think I say like I have to work, which is always the case. So it's not a lie. I mean, it all fits into work. Going to see a movie with Jess. If you bring it up on any of the million podcasts that you do, it's research. Yeah, that's so crazy. Okay, well, that stinks. Yeah, it's okay though. How was your time in LA? My time was good. I

It's been a week since we've talked. What's happened? Oh, speaking of Jess, I took a 24-hour trip with Jess to San Diego. Cute. Because I had to speak at an event. I was on a panel and then I got to interview Jason Sudeikis for this event. And I was, of course, dreading it because it was like rushed. You know, I had to like go and then it's two and a half hours away and then do the thing and then come back. And so it's just like a weird thing in the middle of the week. Yeah.

glam, you know, all that stuff. So I was like dreading it, but happy that I had the opportunity. And then the night before I was with Jess and I was like, I have to go to, I thought it was in Palm Springs until the morning. And I was like, I have to go to Palm Springs tomorrow. And he was like, oh, do you want me to come? All of a sudden it got exciting. And then I

I was like, oh yeah, this is why people have partners. To go to stuff. Because it was definitely way more fun to go with Jess than it would have been to go by myself. So yeah, we had fun.

And we had a baby shower for Laura and Matt. Fun. Cute and sweet. I was in charge of food. So the food was great. Food was really yummy. We had little Dom's salads and Hank's bagels, which I love so much. And social hummus. Have you ever had social hummus? No. It's this woman and she like makes the hummus, I assume out of her house and then like does deliveries and pickups and stuff.

And she does the most intricate flavors. And they're so good. Like what's an intricate hummus flavor? The flavors we had. Let me read. Original classic flavor. Decadently creamy with citrusy nutty tones. Topped with sumac and paprika. Then an herby hummus. Same as above. With herbs, obviously. Okay.

And then Dark River Warm Raft. The hummus is black. Oh. And it's a blend of luxurious black sesame tahini, confit garlic, marjoram, and black cumin. Yum. Yeah. And then we have lady and larder platters. It was pretty and cute. And I hope the couple was happy and the baby was happy. Okay. You know, they like hummus. The baby told me that it was happy. And then what?

What else? I mean... It's a lot. Yeah, it was sort of a busy week. I'm sort of happy it's over. So is Jason Sudeikis, like, promoting something? No, it was just sort of the keynote speech for the event to sort of, like, inspire the people there. Nice! He was really cool. I had never met him before, and he was really nice. It was fun. And it was very, obviously, very easy to interview because he knows how to talk. But yeah...

Let's see. I haven't watched any more Six Feet Under. No, you're on a break? I'm on a tiny break. My dad has COVID. What? Yeah, that's sad. You know, it's fine. A lot of people have it. I'm not worried about anyone. But then my mom texted me and my brother and said, dad has COVID.

And then my brother was like, is he okay? And she was like, he has a cough and a slight fever. And I was like, what's the fever? And she said, she was like 99.6, but that's high for him because he runs low. And I was like,

Oh my God. Stop trying to make this worse than it is. This is not that scary. But does she like taking care of him? Did you get that finish from her? That wasn't the vibe I got. I mainly got like, you should be a little nervous. Oh, or she wants to be more worried. I probably projected that.

I not only projected that, I think I also was just like, this isn't that big of a deal. You don't need to make it that big of a deal. And stop trying to worry us for no reason. I feel like getting COVID is another thing that's fun if you have a partner or like better if you have a partner. Really? Because I don't because I'm afraid to give it.

So I'm telling that person to get out. Well, yes, but they're going to worry about your, like, even if your fever is not that high, that they're like, wow, your feet, like to just make you feel like this is really hard. No, that's called enabling. Enabling what? Victimhood. If you have COVID. If you have a 99.6 fever and you're like, oh my God, I'm dying. Oh.

No, you're not. You're fine. Right. I mean, not feeling good sucks, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But let's like live in reality here. I just think it's nice when someone is like, oh, that sucks. Like when you're sick. Not someone who blows it out of proportion, but who like nurtures and like is monitoring your fever. It's kind of cute. I guess. Yeah.

Anyway, I checked in with him the next day and he was like, I'm fine. I was like, okay, great. And no one else got it? Yeah. Okay, that's good. So, okay, I feel bad about this. But do you have an out—I mean, do you have like an outsized fear over one of your parents versus the other? As far as like something's going to happen to them? Or someone's more vulnerable? I don't know. Do you have that? Yeah.

My mom is a senior with ADHD and that combo worries. It's a rational fear. It is a rational. Yeah, not irrational. It would be irrational for us not to be. Does she take anything for it?

This is so funny and I think relatable to a lot of people who share a disability or whatever you want to call it, impairment with their parent. Yeah. Which is my mom denied that she had it because when I was diagnosed, I was like, hey, by the way, you have this. Yeah. Like for sure. I have it less than you.

And she was like, no, I don't. You're incorrect. And then she, a few weeks later, was listing medications. And she's like, yeah, yeah, I take Ritalin like in the afternoons. And I was like, because you have ADHD. Like, that's why you were prescribed that. She had ADHD so bad she forgot she had ADHD. Yes. That's how you know. And

And so even when I was little, I was afraid of my mom, like, accidentally getting hit by a car because she was distracted. She was already very distracted when I was young, but now compounded with other frailties. Yes, it's just like, oh, God. And we're all a little, like, worried about her. Does she ever try to jump in the hole? She's more, like, risk-averse. I think that helps her. But if it was to catch a guy manspreading, if someone was out of line, she would do it. If there was a purpose to it that was related to social justice, but a local kind of thing.

social justice again, like an individual. She would do it. But then my dad had a stroke and there are vulnerabilities. But even talking about it makes me like sweaty. Do you worry about one parent more than the other? I do think I worry about my dad more than my mom because he's older.

I think that's really the only reason. I can see his age more than I can see my mom's. But then like, because when I was home for Christmas, my mom got COVID and I had the realization. I was like, I'm not worried at all about her. Yeah. Interesting. And then I felt guilty because I was like, well, why am I not? I mean, she's not like 20. I should still probably be worried, but I'm not. Yeah.

But then I get really scared because I'm like, I'm jinxing it. No. It's like you don't have control of anything. Yes, I get it. And I think the same thing. Weirdly, my mom, there's something too about her personality or her like, like where she just feels

unflappable. She feels like nothing can sort of touch her, but it's not true. And maybe that's part of like, I can't imagine, like it's too earth shattering to imagine either of them, but like my mom can't be weak or like be on the verge of anything. Yeah. It's not going to go well. We know the end. I mean, we might die first. I know. I thought it would be our saving grace.

That's like best case. But it's not because they would not be able, they would kill themselves. I don't know how about that. That would be so horrific for them. Yeah. Anywho. Yeah.

On to lighter and brighter. Okay, have you heard about the hugging theory? I don't think so. That basically, if you're actually good friends or best friends, you don't hug. Oh my God, that tracks for me. I don't hug Callie, we don't hug. I've hugged Kat like...

few, like in the last five years, three times, like not even one time a year. And even then there's no hip contact. It's almost like a formal like, okay, like we're kind of, because we live in different countries now. So I feel like, yeah, when I leave for an extended period of time or something like that, or she visits, then we'll hug. But it's not like a, oh, like in the way that I hug other people, it's almost like a,

It's like a formality, but we're like, we're not really doing this. Yeah, it's weird. I think this might sort of circle back to what we were just talking about. Do you hug your...

I do. You do? We're a big hugging family. You are. Okay, so that's interesting because my family's not at all. So it is like a formality now when I like come in from LA and then I'm leaving, we like hug and it's very odd. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like very kind of plasticky and not how I hug so many people in my life. And I would say Cali...

similar. If we are hugging, it's not the kind that I hug other people with. But I think part of it is because I almost feel like if you are hugging for a long time or sort of like deeply or intimately, it's like it makes me like if I'm doing that with my parents, it feels sad. Oh, interesting. Like I think if we like really hugged

everyone would start crying. So we're just not going there. And I kind of think the same with Callie, like because the emotions are so deep with those people, like the histories are so deep, the hug like would release history. I hope she doesn't mind me saying this, but sort of recently she called and she was crying. I mean, that happens a lot. Emotions are exchanged, but hugs aren't exchanged. But she was really upset and she asked if she could come over. And I was like, well, I'll

all come over. So I drove over, but I didn't hug her and she was like bawling. We were just talking, but there was no like physical contact. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.

It's almost like a sibling. Do you hug your sister? I do, but not like, again, when we're saying goodbye or like, again, we live in different countries, like when I'm leaving or I've arrived from the airport, but I'm not hugging my sister, like random, like it's not, we're so comfortable with each other. Like we're not doing these formalities. Whereas with a friend that I don't know that well, it's like,

like you're doing it in a way because you're not that close or as close and you almost need that salutation whereas with a best friend like you're just like what's up I guess it's sort of like a way to break the ice or to create intimacy that maybe isn't isn't real yeah yeah that could be I mean we don't really hug we have we have we have

I think we do hug when we're leaving. That's true. Not when we're leaving work, but if we're like hanging. But if I'm leaving your house, I don't hug. Maybe if you're driving me home, I feel like it's like a half hug, like a one arm car hug. That's how I hug my dad, car hug. That's more comfortable. Yeah, less emotion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But okay, because like during race to 35, when I got two eggs,

And I was upset, obviously. Did we hug? Probably not. Yeah. But you know what's really funny? The order of events was we were together. I got the call.

And then I was like, well, this is the result. And I think we just sort of talked about it or sort of moved on. But we didn't hug. I do think if we had hugged, I would not have been able to handle it. So I'm glad we didn't. And then I went home and then we decided to get cake. And we were staying at Kristen's, so I came back. But when she hugged me, I did start crying a lot. And her and I do hug sort of like...

her hug to me feels more maternal. I remember seeing it and being like, oh, she's finally kind of letting go. Like, not that you had to guard up, but you were kind of still trying to be strong and trying to be rational and like, this isn't that bad. But I feel like in that moment, you just kind of let yourself feel. Yeah. Which, you know, I think you needed. Yeah. Like,

Like, I definitely feel hugs from her are indicative of a deeper relationship, but she feels more like my mom in those moments. Yeah. Support for Synced comes from Element. Element is a zero-sugar electrolyte drink mix born from the growing body of research revealing that optimal health outcomes occur at sodium levels two to three times government recommendations. And that's why we use Element to stay healthy and hydrated.

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Do you cry in front of your mom? No, I hate it. You don't? I have when I was a baby because I wasn't strong then. I was just a weak little baby. And then I have a few times as a teenager to adult, but I hate it. What do you mean? What happened? It's uncomfortable. Like, it's not—I felt at some point—

early on, probably, that made everyone uncomfortable. And so it wasn't something I was interested in doing, was making the room extremely uncomfortable by my tears, you know? So I kind of learned to not do that in front of them, which is not great, probably. But they didn't grow up in households where

Especially my mom did not grow up in a household where like crying was abundant or like encouraged. So I think she's way further along the line than she received. Still, she just wasn't used to it, I think. So I think I kind of adapted. And so how did that affect the way that you express your emotions? Does it mean you bottle things up more? I think I did. Okay, I remember when I first met Kristen and Dax, I

And I was date night babysitting. And I would leave and they'd say like, love you. And I was like, what? You know, I was like, no, they don't. That's a weird thing to say. It was so foreign to me to hear that. And then their just general affection became...

more contagious. I think I changed a lot once I started being around them. And I do think I became a lot more open. Well, even the way, again, you're describing Christian being this kind of maternal figure in which you could cry and you could just kind of let yourself feel whatever you were feeling because you'd cry when you feel safe to cry. Maybe you have safety in other ways with your parents, but not necessarily with tears or emotion. Exactly. What about you emotionally? You cry all the time around them? Yeah. I

was so dramatic. I am dramatic. You're Pisces. Yeah, I'm Pisces. So and I could not bottle that in. But everyone was very intense in my family. And that was a little bit the flip side. Did you see them cry a lot? Yeah. Like my mom. Well, my mom was sick and my dad was just very stressed. No one was really bottling anything in. Yeah. And sometimes there maybe should have been.

So everyone, I think my sister was more reserved and like honestly balanced. And I think me, my dad, my mom were a little like, yeah. So yeah, there were a lot of things that I was upset about that I wouldn't talk about. Or when I look back, I think there was definitely some repression, but I was very intense. I was just like always very sensitive. And so I would react to things with a lot of emotion. Yeah. I am really sensitive. Yeah.

So I probably did some harm having to repress because there were a lot of emotions. It wasn't that I just didn't feel. Yeah. I was feeling a lot. That wasn't the place for me to release that. But then I think that's why there were a lot of fights. I fought with my parents a ton growing up. Weirdly, anger felt like a

safer way to express emotions in the house than sadness. And I think that was passed down a bit. So everyone was like more quick to

to be mad than to be sad, even though sadness was probably underlying every single fight. Of course. Do you still feel like it's easier to be mad than to be sad? Around them? Or just overall? I think in general, that's the emotion that comes the fastest to me is sadness.

or like a sense of injustice, then I have to sit and think like, why am I mad? That's normally when like I realize I'm sad because of this. Well, that's good that you're like able to know

notice it takes practice yeah because sometimes I mean I think for so many people it means so much easier to be mad than sad like if I think of even like every breakup I've been through like I was so mad for so long and now that I look back I'm like oh I was it was so much easier to be mad at them and to feel sad or hurt yeah anger makes you feel like you're I don't know more in control even

Even though you're not. No. But it fully gives the illusion that like you're in charge. Yes. Even though you're absolutely not. And probably if you let yourself feel sad or I mean, anytime that you're self-regulating, you're actually more in control, right? And so it actually does the opposite. But yeah, it feels easier. Being sad is so hard. So annoying. It is. I hate being sad. I know. This is a good...

endorsement for Inside Out 2 that's coming out. All about emotions. Have you seen it? It's not out yet. Okay. We didn't get a screener. Okay. Do you cry? How often do you cry? Well, when my medication isn't

Right. I just recently went up on my medication. Did you know that? No. Yeah, I did. So I fell for a bit and I've said this on Armchair, but I think it's maybe worth repeating for anyone who's feeling like they don't know if they should try medication. The beginning of the year, some personal stuff was happening and I felt like someone took me and just shook me violently. Right. And then put me back down and

And all the puzzle pieces sort of fell back into place, except one was not fully in place and was just kind of half in. And...

And I could not get that piece to click back in. And I was working out a lot and I was doing all the other things that normally work for mood elevation and it was not working. So I went up on my medication and it worked. It just clicked back in. And again, it's not like, and then I was happy. It's just, and then I was able to regulate. I was able to handle things. Yeah.

and handle my emotions. And I didn't feel overwhelmed by the world. So that for me is the best way of describing when your hormones are out of balance. But before I went up, I was crying a lot. And I knew I was like, this isn't right. I was just dysregulated. And I could tell because I don't normally cry like that.

that often or that intensely. So it depends. Like, I think my normal state, if I'm in a good place, I don't cry much. Right. When's the last time you cried? I asked Jason Sudeikis this too. Oh, fun. I cried last night, but no, I did. Because of the dates. Oh, God. People don't even think I've gone a million dates. I just had a, I wasn't a, someone who doesn't live in LA. So we just did a phone call and how can I put it?

It was bad. He asked me like one question for like an hour and a half. Did you know him already? No. So it was a first chat. It was a first chat. And I just was like, oh my God. You didn't feel seen. Seen? I mean, I just didn't. I think that hasn't happened to me in a long time. And again, I'm sure there's reasons that have nothing to do with me, but any bad date is just hard.

It can become a metaphor for your life, which it's not. Exactly. But I feel sad that I didn't know how sad you were. Oh, and it wasn't like every day I felt like, oh my God, it's really hard to explain. It's not that I was sad every day. Sadness wasn't what was ruling. It was just instability, which isn't necessarily sadness. It can be like anger. It can be super happy, but

Or I'm not feeling present. It's so tricky. But sadness definitely wasn't like the rain. It wasn't the raining. Or just that you were struggling. I guess that's what I mean. I don't think I... Well, I didn't really know. You know, it takes a minute for you to...

recognize like something's not right. Because also for a while I was like, I'm a little low, I'm a little down, something's a little off. But and I was like, it's temporary. It'll pass. These things pass. And then after a certain amount of time, it was like, it's not passing. So I have to take some action now. It was nothing extreme. I know, but you can always lean on, you know, I appreciate that. But it wasn't like I'm struggling and I'm just going to keep it to myself.

It just becomes your normal. You don't necessarily feel that it's wrong. You know what I mean? Or that you're struggling. You just feel like blah. I don't know. Can you relate to like depressed? I know you have like anxiety. I know what you mean in terms of like the dysregulation. And I've had those periods and it's very, very overwhelming and scary actually. But I guess what I mean is I think I knew...

that you were struggling but you didn't really tell me you know and so I didn't know it's more to say that like no matter how you're feeling like even if you don't know what's going on like I'm always you know that's there to even

even if you don't know like I feel like I've definitely told you things that I'm like I'm obsessed with this thing that happened and I'm dysregulated over it even though it's not normal and obviously I get help and support in ways that I need to but I also it really helps to share it with others yeah anyway I'm just saying you know I appreciate that as a reminder

I'll remember. And I'm glad you're feeling better. But just for people who are listening, I do want to state, it might not feel like you think, depression comes with like a look to it, right? It's just keeping an eye on what feels right.

than your status quo and how long have you felt different than your status quo? If you feel like removed or there's just a lot of ways to experience depression. Of course. And you blame yourself when you're, you know, yeah, don't want to see people or you can't do the things that you used to do, right? It can be like, what's wrong with me? You know, and then that I think compounds it. But yeah, it's great that you're talking about it and I'm sure you've already helped so many people just by sharing it. Well,

I like Zoloft. I do like it. I loved it. And that's the other thing, because I know a lot of people try...

medication and then it doesn't necessarily work and it's hard. It takes a while. I was on one, not Zoloft. I was on another one and for a while and it wasn't working for me and I didn't feel right on it. And then I switched and then I had to figure out the dosage that worked. It is a process. Totally. You kind of have to believe in the process that eventually you'll get the right fit.

Yeah. And that you might need to adjust it. Yeah. And just because you're taking more now, it doesn't mean that you'll take more forever or it's like anything. Also, I just remembered something so important. What? So someone in my family was diagnosed over the weekend with epilepsy. No. And it was really helpful when I was like, Monica has it. And I swear to God, fixed because it's

Because it was so scary. It was so scary and all the unknowns. And I was like, oh, it's okay. Monica has it. And I explained the ways that it impacted you, but also the ways that like your life is totally fine. And it really helped my family. Oh my God, good. I'm glad that was helpful. Again, you sharing things about your life. I know I've helped so many people already and have helped my family. Oh, I love that. I mean, I'm sorry because that's not...

a fun thing to hear that like you now have this. And epilepsy is so confusing because you don't know why. Like there's so many questions around it. And maybe this person in your family might grow out of it. So they'll probably keep an eye on that. I saw like the entire like

change in this family member when I was like Monica has it and I was like yeah she takes medication and then like one time it kind of came up during her egg freezing but then I thought she was going to like die but it was just because she like didn't get her meds and I don't have a car so I couldn't go to the Rite Aid on time and then I didn't take it and I was fine yeah and you were fine exactly totally fine I have thought

have thought about it a lot. Like, should I wean off? Because for people who don't know, and sorry for people who do, but yeah, I've had two seizures. They were a year apart and they were grandma. And so then I was diagnosed on

after that, and I've been on medication ever since then, and I haven't that I know I've had any issues. So every time I go to my, you know, I talked to my neurologist, he's like, you've been seizure free for enough time that if you want to try weaning off, we can. I feel comfortable with you weaning off of it, but it's totally up to you. And he said, he was like, you know, a lot of people just

never get off of it because the peace of mind. And that's sort of how I feel. And then I feel kind of bad if I'm just taking a sort of intense medication for no reason. But also, I don't want to be stressed about having a potential seizure. That does not feel like a no reason. A seizure, like... I know. I mean, it feels so, so justified in like the realm of

reasons why you would be taking a medication to prevent something that's like and you live alone like i would feel nervous if i mean whatever you don't do anything to make your own decision but i would feel like nervous i'm like i kind of want to get a sauna you do yeah yes and so if i get a sauna though i definitely can't get off the medication really our sauna's bad if you well no i'm just worried i'd have one in there sure well that's and then i'd burn up burn to yeah i burned it down burn it down um

Yeah, I think you should stay on it. It's up to you. But if you had another reason, but if it's just, oh, I shouldn't. No, I think it's great that you're on it.

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Are you a type of person who, because I do think there's two categories of people, people who are sort of averse to medication in general, putting in, you know, chemicals into your body. I'm in the other bucket where I'm like, I'm fine with it. I feel fine just taking like anything kind of. That's great. But even though, which is sort of ironic because I've never, I don't do, I've never done illicit drugs. Yeah. And I am afraid of that.

But prescription drugs, I'm just like totally fine with. Even the first time you took like Zoloft, were you a little bit nervous? More I was nervous, like what are the side effects going to be? And also I was a little like, wow, like this means it's like real. So that's like more of an emotional piece. But the actual chemical in my body, I was like, it's probably fine. Right.

I can always stop if something crazy is going on. But yeah, I'm like fine with it. Where do you land? I don't love it, but it doesn't work well with my personality because I'm all fin sick. I need to take things. But I famously for the people in my life, when I was on Zoloft, I took myself off of it because I was like, I don't want to take medication anymore. Like one day I just decided, which is so bad and don't do that ever.

Don't do that. But I will often, even when there's a doctor that's like, you should take this. I somehow like one day I'm like, I don't want to be taking this. Yeah. See, what's behind that? Because that's a lot of people. Yeah. What is it? I have no problems with supplements. I have no problems with putting trash food into my body. But there's something about I'm taking medicine. I think there's a sense of like, I shouldn't be relying on this to be normal. Interesting. Again, no matter what it is, not even just with antidepressants, but...

and this sense of my body should be able to function without it. And so if I keep giving it medicine, then I'm going to have to take medicine forever. But again, none of it is rational. It's not irrational or rational. It's just mindsets. But I do think it's like buckets. Like I have a friend who really doesn't like taking anything that's not natural. And I don't know where it

starts for me like why I feel totally fine about it. Even like at like when I'm on my period and like I'm dying. Yeah. I'll be like

I don't really need an Advil. What? Almost like my body will take care of this. I'm going to power through. That's so interesting. It's so stupid. And then, you know, I'll take it eventually. Once you're like passing out. Yes. And I've made my day miserable and I haven't been able to like, you know. Yeah, function. It's Advil. Who cares? And even I'll take one. Like I won't take two. Oh my God. I know. It's so stupid. It's not stupid, but it is interesting because yeah, it almost feels like...

Like you're looking at it as like a weakness. Yeah. Or like I'm changing my body. I shouldn't need anything a little bit. But we all need stuff. We all need stuff. Thank God for modern medicine. Yes. Before modern medicine, people died when they were like 32. Oh, we would be dead. Yeah. We would be the elders of the village. Gross. I mean, there's so many places where you don't... I remember when we would go to Cuba for winters and like my mom would just...

illegally pack like a suitcase full of Advil and like medication just to give. And we met this woman who was a musician and she was like, oh my God, I have arthritis. It's going to be amazing. And I was like, you have arthritis. You don't have pain medication. So I love a pain. I mean, when we got our eggs frozen, that was so fun. I loved it. I was scared. Yeah. Afterwards, I was like, it was nice. I love it. I get why Michael Jackson. Yeah. Propofol. I know. All right. Let's do some questions. Yeah.

Oh, I like this. Okay. Do you have a friend that you get especially jealous or competitive with? How do you handle it? This is from Steph. Hi, Liz and Monica. I'm a strong believer in not comparing myself to others and women lifting up women. But I have one particular friend that I feel so much jealousy and competitiveness with. We're bridesmaids in an upcoming wedding and I've spent way too much time thinking about how I'm going to style myself so I look

better than her on the big day. Yuck, right? She's also very charming and charismatic. Instead of being happy for her or even proud, I get irritated when people fawn all over her and wish that attention was going to me. Do you have any friends that you get competitive with? How do you handle your feelings of jealousy?

Okay, first of all, I want to give a lot of credit to you, Steph, for writing in, but just being honest and also knowing that it's you. It's your jealousy that's causing this. That's a huge step. And acknowledging it.

is so difficult. I think jealousy, no one wants to feel jealous. It's almost embarrassing. It's a horrible feeling. And to your point, I think feelings are meant to be felt. And like when we don't feel things, they just become bigger and come out in ways that are worse. And I think jealousy is probably one of the most like because we're somehow humiliated by it. It makes us like when you think about the worst things I've done in my life, I feel like it came from that

I feel a lot of jealousy stems though from you yourself not feeling confident because if you're feeling like she's so charming and charismatic, okay, so those are strong suits of that person. Great. But you have strong suits. And I think it's focusing on that and maybe like writing a list out of the things that you bring to the table, like reminding yourself that you bring your

own unique qualities that have nothing to do with her. Like, I want to say that she doesn't have, but I don't think that's actually smart. It's removing her from you. This is what I bring to life. And these are good qualities as opposed to looking at another person and thinking like, oh, I want that. I want that. Okay, but you don't have it, right? So, I mean, like, or maybe you

Or maybe you do. But also saying like, I want, I want is just not, I've seen this and I felt it. I have felt like, oh God, I want to be like them or I want to have that. But it's like, I don't. So, okay, what do I have? And I think once you start focusing on that and like getting confident, building your own confidence, jealousy starts to totally disappear. And this sounds

bizarre, but I don't have jealousy anymore. I definitely did, especially when I first moved here. And oh my God, trying to fucking be an actor in this industry is ripe for jealousy and envy. And there's a lot of it in this city. Everyone's jealous of somebody. But I think once I found my own footing, I

I just was like, yeah, I have my own lane. So I really can be happy for other people who are thriving in their lane. Wow. That's great. I struggled with jealousy. I think, I mean, I struggled my whole life. Yeah. I would harbor a lot of feelings. And again, that it would come out in ways that were not good because I wasn't really acknowledging what's going on. And to me, jealousy, like there's a few things. First of all, like,

It's that two things are happening. You're putting the other person above who

what they actually are and you're putting yourself below what you actually are. Yeah. It's a double distortion. And that helped me a lot when I would realize, A, that when you're in jealousy, like your thoughts are distorted. You feel like this person is taking something away from you or that, again, you're very much in fear. Things that are coming to mind are not necessarily true. And so what I found that I was doing, I mean, whatever, I dated someone and they dated this very famous person, right? Like literally the day we broke up.

And so I got to see their whole relationship sort of unfurl online. And I remember just really struggling with it. And at one point, my therapist just being like,

So tell me what you're imagining their relationship is, right? And I was like, well, there's this photo, this thing. And then they went to Disneyland. She was like, do you think that he's ever annoyed with her because or like any relationship? Yes, there are good moments, but there are also moments that aren't good. And what I was doing was totally distorting what their relationship was, which again, it doesn't mean that I was like, they probably hate each other and she fucking stinks. It was more just...

What's realistic? Yeah. And then similarly with yourself, what's a realistic assessment of you? And I think when we're in jealousy, we also distort our own self. So we see, yeah, Stephanie might see this woman at this wedding wearing this super beautiful dress and she thinks, well, I'm ugly and I'm... Exactly. And no, you're not. That's the distortion. And so seeing yourself accurately, that exercise that you talked about is great, which is no, I'm great.

In all these ways, too. And then there's the whole, like, jealousy gives you information about what you want. Like, I had this nemesis. Everyone has, like, do you have a nemesis? I don't have a nemesis. There are two people in the world who I think...

I'm their nemesis, but they're not mine. I don't have one. There are two people in the world who think I've wronged them. Oh, but wait, nemesis. Okay, no. Is that a nemesis? No. Well, I think my version. What's a nemesis? But also for you to be the nemesis of other people, but not you having a nemesis might actually be like the literal formula for like the ideal life and like mental health. I don't want to be anyone else's nemesis. I don't want that for them. Sure. That's right. That's true. But okay, so you...

A nemesis, in my opinion, and maybe like Twitter, like media Twitter, it's like your nemesis is someone in your field that you see as you're in competition with. And if they're your nemesis, they're a little bit above you. And if you're their nemesis, you're a little bit above them, right? Or that's the perception. Or you mean they're succeeding? They're succeeding, yes. So you don't have a nemesis. I mean, you are in your own lane. I did have a nemesis for a couple weeks. For?

And actually, you know what's hilarious? You know her. She was at your birthday party. What? I had a nemesis. She was always booking the job. No way. That I would audition for, which is so funny. But I didn't know her or anything. And I have to say, I'm proud of myself. I was like, this is hilarious. This person keeps getting these jobs. And then...

I met her at your birthday party. She's so nice. And I am also not doing that anymore. I'm not doing commercials. Isn't that such a great lesson to think that, okay, in five years from now, my nemesis won't even be my nemesis anymore because I'll be doing, right? Like, yeah, I think that, again, it's like a good framework to be working through.

Yeah. It's still framing because I think I've just had a ton of practice in auditioning. You have to do so much mental gymnastics to get through that life. And you have to tell yourself everything you can. And a lot of that's really stuck with me. Like, why?

really, really, it's not zero sum. You have to remember life is not zero sum that just because this person is getting attention or getting, that's it really, getting attention doesn't mean there isn't attention for you. There is. And also keep your eyes on your own paper. Like that was a huge,

one for me with acting because all you do is look around and see, oh, this person booked this or this person booked this. I haven't booked anything in three months. It's such a racket and you have to remind yourself to fucking keep your eyes on your own paper. Do you. Do your thing. And yeah, their success doesn't mean your demise. No. It's separate. And I know

way when I think back at the times where I was wrapped up in these feelings, it meant that I wasn't present for my own success and the amazing things in my life that were happening. I also think energy wise, I know this is so woo woo, but you're just not your best self when you're in this mode. And if you're not your best self, you're not going to get the best.

So it behooves you to drop some of this. I have a question. Yeah. Which I know we're supposed to answer them. But I think about this one a lot, though. How do you know you're jealous versus this person is annoying? Where they're being braggadocious or they're being... Is that a word? Yeah. Okay. They're being braggy or they're kind of full of themselves or they are taking up a lot of...

I think that's one thing I do struggle with, where I was in a relationship with someone that from my POV, that was what was happening. And his analysis was more that I was just jealous. And I was like, I don't...

Am I? Maybe it's both. I don't know. But that's one thing where I'm like, I think sometimes it is hard to know because sometimes it is very clear. It's like, oh, this is my friend and I should just be happy for them. Or this person is in my field and I just have envy. But sometimes it's also kind of tricky. Yeah. There's a gray. Yeah, that's interesting. I mean, you have to really dig deep and ask yourself like those, the behaviors that that person is, you know. Exhibiting. Yeah, exhibiting. Do you...

want that. Right. And you really have to know because maybe the answer is yes. And so if it is, then it might be jealousy. If you're just like, ew, I think this is a horrible way to be, then maybe...

It's not jealous. Yeah. Maybe it's just, oh, I don't like those characteristics. Right. Okay. Well, that's what I felt like. So now I've been validated. Yeah. Now it's fine. Okay, great. Because it's such an easy throwaway, right? It's like, oh, they're just jealous of you. I kind of hate that thing. I feel like it's very online of like, they're threatened by your shine. It's like, well, sometimes you're also totally...

You're right. It is a fine line because I agree with you. I don't tend to think anyone's jealous of me. But then there have been some instances where I'm like, I think jealousy is at play here for them. Your two nemesises, I think both of them, there's jealousy a little bit. And do you think they still, like you're still their nemesis? I have reason to believe I'm still their nemesis. Okay.

Which is so sad. Yeah. I like, I should not be taking up any brain space of theirs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's like sad because it's not reversed. Sure. Yikes. Yeah. Maybe that's a good thing to remember is like how much energy and space you're giving to this person. You have to be aware it's not reciprocated. I mean, just a real heart to heart with yourself. Like I'm thinking about this person this much and they're thinking about me not at all. And so I'm

It's on me to adjust this. Maybe meditation. Yeah. What are you avoiding about yourself? You know, sometimes that's too, if you're focused on someone else so much, it's also like, what am I avoiding about myself or what I need to do in my life? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Okay. Ooh. Okay. Tipping behind my boyfriend and now he hates me. Jill. Jill.

My boyfriend took me out to a lovely dinner, but when he was leaving a tip at the end of the meal, it was not quite 20%. Our service was wonderful and I wanted to make sure our server felt appreciated, so I took out some cash to leave on top of his tip. He was very insulted and won't let it go. I was a server for 10 plus years and I know that making $2.13 an hour is stressful. How do I explain that

how you tip a server can be an indicator of something greater like being cheap. He's very frugal and careful with his money, which is totally fine. It's just important to me to also leave a well-deserved tip when nothing went wrong and the experience was perfect.

This is hard. It's hard and it's not because I'm so on Jill's side. Me too. I'm like, no, absolutely not. To me, it would be codependent. If you're like, something's wrong, like this server isn't getting what they deserve. And if you just turn a blind eye to keep your partner happy, that's...

that's not healthy. So I think you did the right thing. Me too. It's annoying that the boyfriend got so mad about it. Also, that's his issue. Again, if he gets so mad because you want to give more to somebody, he felt...

that he was being cheap, that you were calling him cheap without calling him cheap. Without doing that, yes. I think you, especially since you worked in the service industry, like he does not have a leg to stand on here. It's kind of rude to you. It's kind of a bad phrase, leg to stand on. What's it mean? Yeah, I think it means...

It means disabilities? No. What does it mean? I don't know where it's from, but I don't think it means one leg. I think it means like, you don't even have one leg. You don't even have a leg to stand on. You can't even stand. So again, disabilities. Oh, that it's ableist? Right. Well, for sure. Wow. Wow. Okay, I retract that. But anyway, he doesn't have the right. He doesn't have the right.

But really, I think if you're like, I worked in this industry, it's important to me that we always leave at least 20%. And I understand if you don't want to leave 20%, but I'm always going to then make up that cost. The end of conversation. I feel like this is on him. Like, you've expressed something. Also, like, what are we talking about here? Dollars? I mean, if he was tipping nothing, it'd be even a bigger problem, but he's probably tipping 16% or 18%. It's like, okay, just a few dollars.

to honor your profession and also what you're asking for that's important to you is like a weird thing to reject. The way to do it where it's going to

hopefully the least repercussions is to say, I totally get if you like leaving 18%. Like, I'm not going to change you. That's fine. But if we are together, we as a team are leaving 20%. So I'm just always going to make up that cost. It's nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what I think has to happen at restaurants. And then like, what's the argument? I do think you can

ask, why does this upset you so much? Yeah. And try to unpack it because obviously, yeah, he's defensive about being frugal. I even think it's weird that she's complaining that it's like when we go out, we need to tip 20 percent regardless of who's paying. It's like a weird thing even for her to like have to throw three dollars. Yeah. I think it's fine to say like we as a team have to leave 20. I just don't think you can ever force someone to

There's like a weird thing with if people have ideas about how they spend their money, I do think it gets very tricky to be like, well, you should be spending more because then it's just going to like light up a whole bunch of defenses. Like, no, I shouldn't. This is the amount. I just don't know that it's going to solve any problems. But it might if you just say like,

When we're together, we as a team are leaving 20%. Whether you leave it or I leave it, I'm not comfortable doing anything other than that. Then maybe he'll just start leaving 20%. Right. That would be great. But also if he's feeling petulant and is like, I don't want to, then do that. You add the dollars in. I feel like that's the source of a weird. Right. Imagine if we're going out and then like I'm adding. It just feels. So just like do it, dude. Tip 20%. Like it's important to me. I know, but he might not. Yeah.

But to me, that's the flag. Again, especially since she was a waitress. Like, it's not really about the money. It's kind of about him. It is about him. I mean, it's a little bit about the respect. But also people have such deeply rooted money stuff. And so his stuff is probably really deep, too, about the reasons why he isn't.

rewiring that is more than just, just do it. I think it's going to require more conversations and it's going to require him not feeling judged, which is hard because you do judge him a little bit. You have to like make space for him to not feel judged in order for him to like understand why he's behaving like this. Right. So in Quebec, 15% is kind of the standard. So when my parents would come to the U.S., I'd be like,

Tip 20%. Like, I would kind of just look at them and be like, you... And again, I know my dad is Mr. Looks-Through-The-Bill. Like, my dad is the most frugal dad ever. But I know that when they come to the States, they'll do it because it's important to me. Yeah. And so I think, again, it's not the same as your partner, but we all do things that we don't want to do or, oh, I would do it this way if I was alone, but...

I'm in a relationship. Like relationships are about modifying certain things based on what's important to your partner. And so that's the part that I'm like, is it really big deal? Okay, but let's pivot this a tiny bit because I run into this sometimes because I over tip. I do large tips, especially at places like

I frequent a lot because I think that's a nice thing to do. And I like, you know, now we kind of know the people and it feels nice. But then if I'm with someone and they like insist on paying and then I know like whatever tip is happening is not going to be even remotely what they normally get, I get a little uncomfortable. I'm like, oh man, I do like paying so that I can tip what I want to tip.

It's lovely when people are like, no, I'm getting it. But then I sometimes feel like I kind of want to tip more. Right. But then I don't. Yeah, that makes that person feel like they didn't pay enough. But that's why, again, you go, I'll pay. If you want to be in control of that in that way, I think you do. Yeah, I just think completing, even if I was tipping well and someone was like, oh, I'll just add something. I think it would immediately make me

feel like bad. I know. Agree. Look, if we were out and I'm like, I really want to pay. You're like, OK, they're really nice. I usually tip a lot more. Like, I understand if you don't be like, oh, I'll give a little more. I wouldn't do it, but I'm your friend and we're out together. It's like you just kind of do things. Well, how would you feel, OK, if we were out and you were like, it's your birthday, I really want to pay. How would you feel if I was like, OK, but I like insanely over tip here just because I know everyone here. And so do you mind if I tip?

How would you feel about that? I wouldn't mind. No, no, no. I wouldn't mind because I also know like more money for the waiters. There's something weird about like this is a profession that is dependent. But some people I think would get defensive and then... Oh, I don't care. But I do think if you feel that need, you have to say it like that. Like,

This is my issue. I tip a ridiculous amount just because I know them. Because then who can argue with that? To me, it's a win-win. I'm just like, oh, okay, great. The boarders get more money. You feel happy. But sneaking money is not good. Or again, it also entails that like you looked and you judged. And I think with this person, like if he were just to be like, oh, quick,

You want to tip 20 percent? Great. I'll tip 20 percent. I feel like now he's in a position where he feels emasculated or cheap and now he's acting from that place. And so it's just like, come on, dude. I just be like tip 20 percent when we're together. That's the end. Unless there's a financial reason. Right. Which is different. But then maybe we don't go out. We can't go out. If you can't tip your waiter, let's make our own food.

I hope we answered it. I mean, mainly we just support you, Jill. We support you. Let's see. Do we have time for one more? Let's see if there's any quickies. Oh. Well, this isn't that quick, but I am. Okay. My friend is bringing her husband along for a girl's trip. Oh, no. No.

No. Becky. Monica and Liz, long-time listener, first-time question asker. I travel for work and my best friend lives in the state I'm traveling to. I decided to fly in a day early. She lives about an hour outside of a major city so she could meet me for dinner and then spend a day together shopping touristy activities. It was all planned and then she texted me that her husband decided to come with her. She made reservations for the three of us and she will be staying the night with her husband instead of with me.

To give some additional background, her husband has a history of not trusting her and acting out whenever we have planned trips in the past. Oh. Do I just go along with this or express my disappointment? Okay.

This feels a bit controlling. Very controlling. And it goes both ways. There's all these memes of like online of women being like when he goes out for a boys night. I know. I just think if you're in a secure relationship, it's great that they're hanging out with their friends. You're not mad about it or sad about it or need to be there. But it's very common. I would 100% say something about it. I think I would too. I've had friends like that where you see little things and then you're like, okay,

But then you want, you know, you want them to be happy and you don't want to insert yourself. But it always gets worse. It starts with stuff like that. And it can escalate. Again, I'm not saying this is a situation of that nature, but I would 100% be like, why? And just be blunt and honest. No one else is bringing... The headline sounded a little worse. It sounded like it was a bunch of girls. Like, this is just them two. But even more reason, I think you can say, you know, I love...

Jake, he's awesome. But I was really looking forward to just as having some girl time. See what she says about that. Because if she says like, well, he doesn't like when I go out with you alone, then you say like, that seems a little controlling. I don't know if that's offensive, though. I would just say, how does that make you feel? Ask questions. You know, do you like that? Why is he worried about that? What is he worried about? Have you had conversations with him? I think that's what you want to...

understand. Yeah, it's like he has to babysit you

You and me? No thanks. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to do that. Yeah. It's also, if the roles were reversed, I mean, maybe I'm exaggerating, but I feel like if two guys are, and then one of them just brings this, like it would be weird. I have friends whose husbands I love and we definitely hung out, the three of us, but I think this is a little different. Yeah, it feels like it was planned specifically to be a trip for you two. So that's a bummer. Yeah. Definitely express your disappointment for sure and then see where it goes because it might end up

leading to deeper questions about why this has to happen. Yeah. And her and her relationship. And I think these are the little moments that shouldn't be ignored. Maybe she's not there yet to be able to acknowledge it, but you want to start pointing those things out. And that's being a really good friend. Just want to make sure you're okay with this. I think it's good to say what you prefer. Yes. Because you're just going to be resentful. And now this trip sucks. Exactly. Maybe you don't want to go

And like, do you want to go on this trip now? Which is the real question, too. And if you do not, do not go. Because, oh my God, I've done this so many times. It's like, well, I'll still have a good... And then you're there and you fucking hate. Yes. And you're so mad. Yeah. And you've spent money and you're going to be even more annoyed with that. And he's... Well, who knows what he's going to do on this trip, too. Ugh. Yeah. God. Our vote is to talk to her. Yeah. Okay. Great. I think that's going to be it

today and we'll see everyone next week. Have a great week. Bye. Bye.