Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI
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Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Wild. Wild card. Rawr!

Oh, again. I'm enjoying making that noise today. Do you think it's a good? It does sound good. Much better than my spitting. Remember when I was fake spitting? Oh, yeah.

People did not like that. Misophonia? Yeah, I guess it was that or adjacent. Or just disgusted with spitting as you are. You've really got in my craw, I gotta mention. I did. You did. And then I even thought of a counter argument that I believe in. Okay, go for it. But you're still in my craw. You hate spitting. That was on a previous fact check. Yes.

So now what I remembered is we have had debates about boogers and your disgust with the notion of eating a booger because your body has made this to be repelled. Uh-huh. Remember that was your argument? Yeah, I think I stand by that. There's bacteria. Why would you eat that? Yes. Oh. Monica. No.

No, but minimally you got to say, okay, it's inconsistent. Okay. But listen, my argument isn't then to put boogers all over the street where other people are walking or put them on people's shirts. Maybe I should carry a wine silk or whatever. What are those little bags that you put wine in? Yeah. To put your loogies in? All I'm saying is if we agree that boogers should leave your body and not be put back in your body, why not the boogers that's coming from your lung?

Get them out of there, too. I know. Look, I understand. You've got to meet me in the middle here. I understand what you're saying, but you cannot spit. You can. You can spit it all over the street, but I'm going to be disgusted by you. I know. And that's your right, too. It's not like I enjoy seeing other people spit. I got in your craw, and I also got in the original person that I was talking about's craw. And that's.

I wonder how many. It made its way back to him. I wonder if you've had an impact on like many thousands of people that listened. What if people start dropping dead because of the bacteria? Because of their infections. Yeah. That their body told them to get out and spit into a bush, which no one cares about. Okay. This is wild card. We love wild card. And this was wild. It delivered on its. There's some bad stuff in here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but can people listen? Not that last one. Oh, fuck. Fuck.

Yeah, this is a sincere warning. There is a child that gets injured in the last story. Not fatally. No, yeah. To be clear, the child is okay. The child's totally okay. But I can imagine if you've had a similar experience that it would be a real bummer to hear. So yeah, the last story does have a kid getting inadvertently injured. Yeah. And there's also some...

There's a body thing that's like, ee. Oh, oh. Ee. What body thing? Second story. Oh, and you called it. Yeah. All right. Anyways, please enjoy Wild Card.

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How you feeling bud? Good. Ready? How much did you sleep last night? Well I had to take a Benadryl at 3. Oh so you couldn't sleep. Because my finger.

Oh, let me see it today. It's looking a lot better. Let me see. But in the middle of the night. Yeah, that's significantly better than yesterday. Yeah, it is. Middle of the night, it started itching you? Yeah, like crazy. It must be multiple stings because it hurts in a lot of places. That's so weird. It is weird. And maybe the stinger's still in there, which I think just makes it take longer. Do you want me to cut your whole finger off today? No, thank you. Okay. I'll pass. Okay. All right, let's do it.

Oh, wow. What a fun little environment you've created. Look at you're in a little tent. It's my tent, Monica. Yeah. Oh, it's beautiful. And it sounds gorgeous. I wanted my big screen so I could see your faces. So I had to go tent instead of closet.

And how do we look so far? Beautiful. Not nearly as orange as I was expecting. Some Keegan-Michael Key conversation. How dare you, Kyle? I get it, Kyle. I can already see you're on Team Monica. With the tent and the orange. That's not unfair. Okay, so Kyle, this is one of our favorite prompts wildcard. We have

no idea what's coming. - So let me ask, have you guys heard other wild cards today already? - Not yet, you're number one. - You're number one wild card. - I think I am like a stage setter. So set expectations appropriately. - Okay. - Okay, wonderful. - In my story, there's a bit of guessing. Hopefully you guys can take part. - Oh, exciting. - A mystery. - So I grew up in Western Washington, like Everett area. I took every summertime to go out to Maryland at my Nana and Papa's for like a month without my parents.

Me and my sister, when you talk about Papa Bob's, get away, enjoy my grandparents. - Get spoiled. - Exactly. So we went out to Maryland to their river house, which has like an 80 foot dock, a boat. It's heaven for me. The story takes place in the year 2000.

I'm 12. We are hanging out with all of our aunts and uncles and cousins. Probably have like 25 people at the house. 90s attire, Monica, you probably remember being roughly that age. Boys were like big baggy board shorts. Oh, yeah. I ripped out the liner. Oh, cool. Okay. Because you didn't like how it felt? Yeah, yeah. It's just a little too touchy. Netting was for chomps.

Everyone knew that if you had netting, you were like, eee. Oh, that was a big no-no. You would have been 13. Yeah, I guess I would have been. And you had thoughts on boys netting in your board shorts? Netting, yikes.

I only wore boxer shorts. And then when I would get into a swimsuit with the netting, I felt like I was in women's panties. Like all of a sudden I was in a tiny little tight panty. I could see that. And it was confusing. Some parts good, some parts bad. Yeah, no judgment there. So we're on the end of the dock doing a dive contest and we're just going back and forth. We're swimming around, having fun. It's my turn. And so I go to jump off the dock.

I realize now that I didn't spot my landing, which we always used to do. The guess is, what do you think happened next after I jumped off the dock? Okay, if you jumped off a dock into a river and you hadn't spotted your landing, I'm trying to think what obstacles would be in the river. I don't know a lot about rivers. Huge rocks, I guess. I'm thinking more something roped to the dock.

- Maybe a watercraft. - Okay. - Okay, those are our guesses. Rock and watercraft. - I land on top of a steaming nettle or a jellyfish. - Oh! - Oh! - I didn't even know they dwelled in rivers. - Yeah, they come up north in Anacoke River in August, which is why we only spotted our landings. But I hit with my left foot on the dome of a pretty big jellyfish and it rode past my toes, up my toes,

Up my gigantic board shorts. Oh. In my tank, around my crack. Oh, oh. Everywhere. And then it stopped on my double knotted waistband. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not understanding. You land on this jellyfish and then the tentacles come up around your legs. My foot comes down on top of it. Oh. And then it just slides itself up my leg. It just went all the way up. Oh my God. Like stockings all the way up to my pelvis. Wow.

So immediately you get the shock of a nettle sting. In my mind, I think like I landed on something that's gone into my foot. It's just shooting pain. I come out of the water screaming. Probably says something about the kind of kid I was that no one immediately like looked for what's wrong with Kyle. Standard. I start screaming.

swimming into the shore as fast as I can. Somewhere in the swim, I realized what must have happened. So it feels like there was a bunch of hair gel in my bathing suit. And I just take it off so that I can get away from the nettle.

And then I'm high step running out of the water with 25 people around, including two very cute neighbor girls who I had been talking to throughout the summer. And you've got your shorts completely off. Totally off. 12-year-old Hynie just running towards the house. My...

Papa had put in like a shower stall. So I run into there. I lock it. I'm just crying, hiding, embarrassed. And I'm trying to rip off these nettles that are wrapped around my leg. Everything else you can imagine below the belly button. Will you explain nettles just a little bit? Because I'm not familiar with that term. Think jellyfish. Think like finding Nemo, those sort of jellyfish that

These are called steaming metals there. It is what you imagine. Tentacles with the barbs that stick and sting. So it's like spaghetti, like vermicelli all over your thighs. Yes, but less strong than a spaghetti string. So it's not only falling apart all over the place and stinging my hands, but it's also...

It feels like you're cutting glass. Oh my God. This is a nightmare. Yeah, this is sadistic. Yeah, so I've got ants banging on the walls trying to get in and figure out what's going on at this point. I finally let one of them in. She knows what's going on because I'm yelling at her. She brings in gloves and is trying to clean things off. She thinks to turn on the shower, which I didn't think of at all. And it pretty much runs off at that point. The kick to the story is that my...

Papa went to go get the gel they use. It's like calamine lotion for the sting. The grocery store is 45 minutes away. And so I'm about 30 minutes post being in the stall when I just want to go inside and be away from everybody.

My aunt convinces me that we can put some baking soda paste on, supposed to help with the barbs and keep it from hurting so bad. So she starts applying this all over me. Oh, wow. I basically have a baking soda diaper at that point. Oh, okay. Can I ask what's going on with your penis at this point? Is your penis fully out on the scene? Are you holding it with your hands? My hands are aching and my penis is...

And now I don't remember this vividly. - Okay. - I remember the night after in bed and just feeling like my heartbeat through my pelvis, through my hands from the nettles being on there.

How many nettles were there? It was one child. Was Auntie seeing... I mean, you were just nude, right? She was seeing things. Everything was out there. Yeah. And she's rubbing your thighs with baking soda. She's touching your pelvis area. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. It needed to be done. You guys are really focusing on this more than I think I did as a child. I'm just trying to remember being 12 and my aunt smearing baking soda on my upper and inner thighs while my genitalia is out. How can one not think of that aspect? And 12 is a precarious time because you're starting. I'm horny at 12. Yeah. Like you said, the girls. Cute girls. Yeah. Imagine the cute girls who are applying the baking soda. Now what are we dealing with? Oh, Jesus.

I was not into domination at that age in my life. The pain of those barbs in there, the thought was off the table. So we're walking out. The okay cousins are laughing. Like any good older cousin, my cousin Matt thought it was a good idea to pull down my towel that was wrapped around me. So everybody, the neighbors included, would come over to have some crab and see what was going on. Just...

Gotta look at baking soda diapers. So Crybaby Kyle was my nickname for the entire summer. And I ran inside, waited for Papa. Matt, boys are so...

So mean. I don't think in this case it's boys. I think cousins. Cousins are relentless to each other. They're just like siblings. Lincoln wouldn't pull down Delta's towel. Mandy and Callie would have pulled down my towel and pointed at my penis and made jokes. Which is what they were expecting. The diaper did not make it any better. God.

The diaper. Okay, so the diaper is a big pop out. You know, no one was expecting that. But in some ways it's better-ish. Maybe it's camouflaging a bit of the bits. Yeah, could have had a hog under that diaper. Yeah, exactly.

Pull that hog out of that 12-year-old boy. Baking soda diaper. Wow. Yikes. That's tough. And you need Papa. You need Papa to return home. Yeah. And everyone to leave, which didn't happen for another 12 hours or so. The party raged on. Seems like you came back stronger, though. It's still my favorite place in the whole world. They still have it? No. Unfortunately, Anna and Papa are gone.

We went back to Maryland with my kids. I got to take them, just show them the river, go out on a boat. That's awesome. Yeah. Well, Kyle, what a sweet story. I'm sorry that happened to you. Did it like scare you off of jumping in the river or no? No, but it did make me wear nylons when I went skiing because apparently that keeps from getting stung. But I got stung probably a half dozen times. They're everywhere in August and your kid will swim. So-

never so bad as to get the bits again. Yeah. Wow. I'm picturing a young man in stockings skiing like a pantyhose. You'd put on pantyhose. Yeah. Oh boy. They make it tough. Sometimes life makes it tough. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Kyle, what a delightful, innocent, sad story. I liked that. That's also cute. Hopefully a good start to Wildcard. I can't wait to hear what else comes your way today. It probably feels obligatory for you both to hear us say thank you so much at the end of these things, but it means a lot to me. I was a fan of Rob from Inside of You before you guys started. Oh, yeah.

I'd like to say to my friends who are also listeners that I'm a before day one listener. That's big. I love you guys. Monica synced as a way that I get to hear like a part of the world that I don't always get to listen to and talk about things that married me with a bunch of kids doesn't always get the perspective on. And I can't thank you guys enough for doing this. Keep it going. Have fun. And thanks for having me. Well, your wife got a good catch. She snagged one.

I'm telling you, her husband's listening to sync to stay dialed into the perspective. Does she deserve you, Kyle? I don't know. We're going to send her a test and see. And to answer your question, it does not feel obligatory. And we sincerely, every time are equally shocked and delighted and grateful. Yeah, very grateful. Well, this asymmetrical relationship is as strong as ever. I love this.

Thank you. So nice to meet you. So great meeting you, Kyle. Take care, brother. Have a great day. Bye, you guys. Bye. What a sweet pie. God damn. Where's my Kyle? Kyle! Kyle, where are you? Knock, knock, knock. Kyle! Kyle!

In this interim, will you keep this in? I don't know what you keep in in the middle. Yeah, you don't know. Sometimes I keep stuff. Sometimes I cut it. You keep guessing. I guess that's part of the fun of it all. I can't nail you down. That story was an incredible ding, ding, ding, though. How so? Right before we started, we were just talking about my sting. Oh, yes, your bee sting. I got a bee sting. From Ozden. It was a bit of hubris because I had a ring on my finger that I refused to take off because it's a very special ring.

And then it really disrupted the situation on my finger. Well, I would say for people to imagine what your finger looked like yesterday, take a condom and fill it completely with water and then take a hair tie and tie it around as tight as you can the base of the condom. And that's what your finger looked like yesterday with this ring on it. And I had to beg you, Monty, please let me cut that off of you. I know.

It was as bad, you've got a pattern in life, Monica. You're this very weird mix of hypochondriac and then when real stuff's happening, you completely ignore the real stuff. I actually thought of that. I was like, how dare all these people call me a hypochondriac? I am not a hypochondriac. I don't even get shit fixed where like my finger might fall off.

Your finger was going to fall off your ear. It's shocking. You still have your whole ear when I had to remove those earrings. That's what I'm saying. It's this wonderful contradiction between fear of things. And then when you have things, you don't care at all. Well, you know what the through line is? Jewelry. I really care about preserving that jewelry.

It's like when you crash your motorcycle and your first thought is like, is the motorcycle okay? I bought that ring after I booked my first commercial here. Oh, that's sweet as a reward. Yeah, as a reward. Oh, money. And it's been on that finger. I mean, I've taken it off every now and then for like another commercial or something. Sure, more money. But that thing's been on my finger for like 13 years. You can get it put back on. It's not ruined. I think it's the key to my success and I think my success is over.

Okay. It was really nice. You put half your eyelid down. So I didn't even get to get to my interstitial. Oh, sorry. We'll save it for the next one. That's okay. Well, mine was timely. Stay tuned. If that's in, stay tuned for my interstitial between Thalia. Talia. Talia and Annie. All right. Mine was very timely to Kyle's story. So it's important. Mine might be too. I'll figure out between now and then. You're going to make yours about a sting? I'll figure it out. I'll come up with a segue that is seamless.

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This month is all about gratitude. I'm truly grateful for the people I'm surrounded by in my life. They mean the absolute world to me. They are the greatest gift I've been given. Here's a reminder to give thanks to those you hold near and dear. And while you're at it, give thanks to someone you might not thank enough, yourself. It's something we can easily forget, but it's an important act of self-love.

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash DAX to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash DAX. Hello. Hi. Oh, that's a cute Nike Air sweatshirt. I want that. Thank you. I just got it.

Is it vintage or new? I would give it to you. It's vintage. My girlfriend gave it to me. She's so sweet. Oh, it's incredibly cute. Very cute. The Nike is in pink and the Air and the Shush are in copper or gold? Like a goldy copper. And it has a good neckline. I like the structure of the sweatshirt. That's my favorite. Could you pronounce your name? I don't want to mess it up. Thalia with a T-H. Thalia. Wonderful. Where did mom and dad get Thalia? My mom named me after a news reporter. Oh.

- Oh, cute. - Like a local celebrity? - I don't know if she was local. My mom just told me that she saw the name on TV and liked it. - Oh, I like that. Where are you from? - Originally I'm from Illinois, but I live in San Diego right now. - San Diego style. - You're close by. - Okay, this is a wild card. So feel free to do whatever you want and tell us whatever you can. Give Monica your sweatshirt.

Yes, I would love to give you, please. I would send it to you immediately. Don't tell my girlfriend. No, you deserve that sweatshirt. Oh, thank you so much. So I actually got selected for a different prompt and I

I missed the email. Oh, that's okay. You know what? I get it. It's so unfortunate, but Emma was so kind and reached out to me recently for this episode and was like, hey, I remembered your story. Do you want to do it for the wildcard episode? And I was freaking out. I like ran into work. I was like, guys. Emma's a blessing. Oh, hell yeah, she is. I feel like my email sounded so crazy, but I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, we're all in this together.

We're all about second chances here at Armchair Expert. We are now, yeah. That's now our official. What if we change from Messiness to Human Being to a podcast about second chances? Oh my God, it's even more grotesque. I know. Yeah, puke. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'm really excited. The story takes place in Illinois, where I'm from, in my college town, Charleston, Illinois, EIU, if anyone knows. What year did you graduate? 2021. You're a youngster. Yeah, you are. I am 25. You're either a youngster or a dum-dum. No, yes. Yeah, like it could have taken her 12 years to go through college. Those are the two options on the table. That wouldn't necessarily mean

mean she was dumb? I'm not happy to be labeled as either. It took me six years. Hey, I'm proud of you. It took me four and a half, but that's close. Close enough. Who cares? Yeah. So I was just getting back to Charleston. My senior year of college was about to start. It was going to be a few weeks until the school year started, but I was in a sorority at the time. So there were some obligations I needed to do. Like we had like a little video shoot for rushing. I

Oh, wow. That's fancy. Yeah. I get to Charleston and I'm not feeling super well. I had just gotten back. The last thing I had eaten was cheese curds from Culver's and I'm lactose intolerant. So I was like, okay, I had a tummy ache. So I go to the sorority thing. I tell everyone, hi, I'm not feeling so good, but I'm here. You got a belly full of cheese curds. Are you Asian? People think that all the time. I am just white. I kind of agree.

- I kind of thought it, and then when I heard lactose intolerant, I remember 90% of Asians are lactose intolerant. Then it all added up. - You take such big swings with your ass, I gotta say. - I know, are you astounded that I'm still in business? - That one is, wow, okay.

Go on. Which part? Did she look Asian or that Asians are 90% like those in power? All of it. Just why'd you ask that? Well, because. You just didn't need to know that. She's Kurds. Okay. We didn't need to know that piece of information. That's so good. No, a lot of people do ask me that, so don't feel bad. Nobody believes that I am white. Just an old-fashioned honky. That's fun, though, because then you're exotic. You didn't come with the marginalization. Right, right. There you go. Win-win.

I end up going home early from this thing. And then progressively over the next four days, my stomach is getting worse. I'm constipated for sure. Okay, so you weren't dealing with Honus Rheas those four days. Say that again? That's Dax's word for diarrhea. Yeah, Honus Rheas. It sounds a little more something. It sounds cuter. It's beautiful.

I wasn't going to the bathroom like at all. So I went to the pharmacy and I was like, okay, I got to figure this out. So I kind of explored multiple different routes over this four day period. I took a bunch of laxatives. I drank a bunch of black coffee. Nothing was working. And

And I was like, damn, this is the worst constipation I've ever had in my whole life. Like it hurts so bad. Are you someone that had dealt with constipation frequently or is this out of the blue? Pretty frequently. As a lactose intolerant person who loves everything dairy, my faith's sealed. But it's not getting any better. I felt so bad. I didn't want to eat anything. And I don't know why I

I just kind of ignored that part. And I was like, nothing's working. I don't know what's going on. At the end of this period of time, I'm with a friend and I wake up in the middle of the night. I turn over to her. I nudge her. I'm like, I don't feel good. I quite literally have a terrible gut feeling. I think it's time I go to the hospital. And like, I had never been to the hospital really before. And she's like, I've had constipation. That's really, really painful. Like, you're probably fine. And I'm like, I'm going to go. So she's like, OK, let me know what happens. So I go to the hospital. Let me know what happens.

Why doesn't she go with you? What's she going to do? She's not a doctor. I still... We're your friends. My God. She's not a cab driver. She's not a doctor. I have to teach you so much. She's not a paramedic. So I drive to this ER and it's so quiet. It's 2020, so you have to go up to the door, tell them about your symptoms, and ask to be let in. Oh, God. Or they assess you there. They take your temperature. Oh, God.

basically are like why are you here two nurses approached the door they're like what are your symptoms take my temp and he's like well there's not much we can do for a stomachache oh my god he said do you want me to leave should i go home and the other nurse was kind of like sorry about him no please come inside i'm like oh god we haven't seen a patient in a week anyway it was a

wild so they let me in and like no one's there was it really so much trouble also that was dumb of him because obviously they need to check for i don't want to ruin the story i don't know if it's that an appendix

Okay, go on. That's good. You should guess out loud. That's a good guess. No, because I don't want to ruin it if it's true. Okay. No, I love it when you guys guess. Monica has a guess. I have a guess, but I'm not going to say it. She thinks your appendix are in trouble. Okay. My God. Can't you just respect my needs? I don't know. Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I will say that was not on my mind in any way. I also was 21 years old and I was like, my tummy always hurts. I'm a girl and I.

I eat a lot of dairy. Like, I wasn't even worried, really. I just was like, I don't feel good. Please help. You just want an x-ray, right? Just do something. Yeah, like take a picture of my insides, please. Yeah. So I go in. I am there for about eight hours. They give me an x-ray. I get a CAT scan. But I found out through this process that it's incredibly hard to get like an IV in my arms or even draw blood at all.

You're not vascular. No, not at all. So they couldn't give me, I think it's iodine when you go to a CAT scan through an IV, which is quicker. But I had to drink it over hours. And then I had to go get my CAT scan. So it took forever. After like eight hours has passed, the doctor comes in. But he's like, I don't know how to tell you this. Your appendix has ruptured and your entire body is infected. Oh my God. You're like almost septic. Holy shit.

I was beyond septic. I didn't know that at the time. I also didn't know what septic was at the time. He didn't say that. He just was like, we have to get you immediately to a hospital and you're going to have to go get an emergency surgery. He's calling all these hospitals in the area and nobody has a bed for me because it's COVID. Oh my God.

Because I needed an interventional radiologist, but I also needed a specific kind of surgeon. Because there was also like an abscess from the rupture and my organs were failing, leaking. I can't believe you were just waking up and you were like, I guess I'll just drive myself to the doctor. You're a trooper. Big time. Dahlia, I would also say, could you go grab that nurse that almost didn't let me in? I'd like to talk to him.

I feel like his name is Nick. I don't remember, but I did tell him he was an asshole. Oh, good. The nurses were helping me out. And I was like, you know, the short guy, the short nurse in the front. I'm short, too. So no hate. But I was like, he was so mean to me. What if I would have gone home? You would have died. You died on the car ride. I would have died.

And then he comes in later. I told them not to tell him, but they did. And he came in. He's like, so you think I'm an asshole? And I was like, yes, I do. They've given me so much anti-anxiety meds at this point. I'm gone. Oh, my God. He's trying to flirt. Let it rip. Yeah, he's like, so you think I'm an asshole? Yeah, he really thought I was into that.

They call the nearest hospital. They don't have beds for me. I have to go to the next state over because they're the only hospital that has the surgeon and the radiologist that I need. I get in the ambulance and they're like asking me all these questions. I'm in and out of consciousness. I don't know if it's from literally dying or from the drugs that are in my system. The last thing I remember is just them asking me the questions and then I wake up and I have had surgery. I think that I just had an appendectomy and I'm going to go home.

I did not know, but I was fully septic, if not beyond. My white blood cell count was so far beyond the qualifications for sepsis. The doctors were like...

"Did you not feel pain? You're like a miracle. How are you walking? How are you here?" And so I just was like, "Yeah, I felt pain, but I thought I was constipated." - Yeah. - So I spent about 10 days in the hospital with a lot of morphine, a lot of antibiotics, a lot of fluids, a lot of drugs. - Wow. - Drawing my blood was absolutely necessary and they just couldn't do it sometimes. And they would just come back and keep trying and keep trying. - Oh my God.

That was worse than anything else. Trigger warning for needles got everywhere on my arms and my hands. It was so bad. Why didn't they put a line in? So they did and it didn't work. I was able to get fluids in but they couldn't drop blood out of it. Oh my god. It was like a sick joke. I was so ready to be done and I had a

pick line or a midline or whatever they're called in this arm. I was able to get my antibiotics through it, but they installed it specifically to drop blood because they were having so much trouble sending all these people in trying to get it out of me and they just couldn't. Maybe you didn't have any blood. What if someone came in with like a pocket knife at some point and a cup and they're like, listen, we're just going to have to cut. Honestly, it probably would have been less painful than what I'd already experienced anyway.

I didn't fully process how sick I was even until like a year later. I had no idea that I was dying and my organs were failing me. That's scary.

Scary. My infection continued after I got out of the hospital. It was not gone. It was to a point where it was like manageable and that I would just have to do a couple weeks of IV therapy, daily antibiotics for, I want to say like two to three weeks. I missed the beginning of my senior year. So I got to go home, but because of licensing issues across state lines, I

They couldn't authorize any doctor to administer my IV antibiotics to me. They had to get a home health care nurse to come teach me how to do my own IV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to do this too. And then I taught my girls how to do it, how to flush the line, put in the first thing. It became a little thing they would do. Yeah, I mean, I played doctor for a couple weeks. It was cool.

I remember saline, blood thinner, antibiotics, saline again, close it up, clean it, do it again the next day. I was immunocompromised as well because I was so sick. So I couldn't go anywhere. Did you lose a bunch of weight? I did. I lost so much weight. It's funny because when I showed up at my sorority photo shoot, my belly was like humongous because it was so... Inflamed. Destroyed and inflamed and sick. Oh my gosh.

It was summer too, so you could see the shape of my body. I'm 4'11". I'm a pretty small girl. So someone had told me that I was like looking thick and I was like, that is an insane thing to say, but I'm going to ignore that. That is an insane thing to say. I look back at it and I look at photos from that time and I'm like, I can't believe my appendix was just ruptured in this photo. It was ruptured for four days while I was just walking around. You're so lucky.

I know. I don't know how I managed. I want there to be some kind of contest you can enter. It's a pain threshold contest. Like maybe you could be a world champion. I think you might be. Some of these Japanese game shows. Do you ever see these, Monica? Where it's like they torture people? You know these game shows? Maybe that could be. You could endure like some. I feel like I've won the contest by like being here. Yeah, by living. Being here and being on the podcast as well. This is so exciting. So I'm like, oh.

If that didn't happen, then I guess I wouldn't be here. So yippee for me. Maybe Nick's listening too. Let's hope Nick's listening. I hope he's not a listener. He's a dick. I hope he's out there. I hope his name is Nick. I don't know if that is. I feel like it was. So I wrote in for the near-death prompt. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank you for sharing that very harrowing story. Yes. Nice meeting you, Thalia. Tell your mom we really like the name and she did well. Thank you. She will freak out if I even tell her you said that.

Have a great day. Bye. That was worse than I thought. I hadn't sensed it was an appendix situation, but I didn't know she was full septic. 10 days. Have you ever stayed in the hospital, Monica? Knock on wood. So no, and then knock on wood? Yeah. Okay. I did three days. By day three, I was like, oh my God, I might just leave. I can't imagine 10 days. Yeah, feeling stuck. Or Jeff Bridges, what was it? Five weeks.

Five solid weeks. Time moves so weird there. Yeah, no thanks. I do like the attention. They come in all the time. Hey, what's going on? They got a chart. We are supported by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. We, of course, have a gorgeous website that we designed ourselves.

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Shop fall deals now at Macy's.com. What was the story you wanted to tell? I'm going to now kick it down the road between Annie and Caitlin. Okay. Here comes Annie. Here comes Amos. Well, Amos Moses lived by himself in the swamp. Haunted alligator for a living. Just hit him in the head with the stump. Son, Louisiana gator gonna get you, Amos.

Hi, Annie. Hi, guys. How are you? Are you a car lover or is your lover a car lover? We all are car lovers. We have two convertible Mustangs in our household. Oh. I'm in his office. He works from home. Is that a 68? You know what? Okay. Sure enough. And where are you, Mustang owner? We are in Sacramento. Oh.

Oh, okay. Our state's capital. It's where I grew up, but I raised my kids in Seattle, which is where the story takes place. Well, take us to Seattle. Okay. July 2020, solid in the pandemic. Kids are going stir crazy. Fourth of July is coming up, and we have some very close friends who live in Idaho. So everyone in Seattle is fully masked,

We're not doing anything. There are no 4th of July plans. Our friends call and say, hey, guess what? I could get canceled for this. So they go to Idaho. My friends live in what's called Rexburg,

And it is where BYU-Idaho is. They have a Brigham Young University there? Correct. Okay. How old are your kids, by the way, in this story? At the time, 16 and 18. Today, they are 20 and 22. Okay. 16 and 18. That's ripe age for some mischief. Yes. And they are both girls. So we send them off and they come back and the younger one created a little crush on

on one of the LDS kids and I had told my friend who is LDS, I said, "Do not let them get a crush on any of these LDS boys because you know they marry at like 12." - Yeah, they'll go on mission and your daughter will miss him so much she'll convince herself that they should be married. - Exactly. We are not LDS. So they come back and she says, "I met this boy and he's really sweet and cute." And I call my friend, I'm like, "Who is this boy?" And she says, "Oh, he's a nice kid." Friends of our kids.

Fine. About five weeks later, she says, hey, that boy, he's coming to visit his grandma who lives in Kirkland. So it's right next to Redmond. I said, oh, OK. She goes, we're going to meet out at the lake and we're going to go hang out. So I'm going to give you some details that need to be in, but it's going to be weird. Great. She wakes up that morning at like 7 a.m. Unlike her, especially during the pandemic, everybody's sleeping in. Emma, what are you doing? She goes, uh.

So a friend of mine stopped by and gave me coffee. I'm like, nobody knocked on the door. Yeah, he came around the corner and gave it in my bedroom window. And I'm all, okay, don't have your friends go through the bedroom window. Please have them knock, even if it's 7 a.m. You know I'm awake. One quick second.

To me, if I'm the parent, I'm like, there's more to this story than someone came to your window and brought you coffee. Were you suspicious and just letting it go? Or what was happening? I'm not suspicious because she had had a crush on this boy before the pandemic. So I thought he was just showing up really sweetly. They were not dating or anything. Not thinking anything because I have two girls and one of them is drama. One of them is not. This is the not. Oh, gotcha. Your guard was down. Correct. So I

I go about my day and she goes upstairs and talks to her father who is also working from home. That's all I know about that. Later, she goes off, goes to the lake with this boy who's visiting his grandma. And my husband calls me and he says...

You know, that whole thing with the boy and the coffee. When she came upstairs, I looked outside. There was a boy walking down the driveway. I said, who is that? She goes, oh, that's that boy. He brought me coffee. He goes, that didn't sit well because last night I heard a noise. It was like 2 a.m.,

He went downstairs to check on the girls and he goes to the door and he tries to open it and it's locked. He knocks on the door and she comes out. She goes, what, Papa? What? Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 2 a.m. Why is your door locked? She goes, oh, we stayed up watching TV. I don't know. Oh, that makes no sense. Okay. None of this is fitting. So I call her and I say, where are you? And she goes, I'm at the lake. And I said, so last night's thing, Papa came into your room.

the boy at the coffee, something feels wrong. Yeah. And she goes, no, nothing's wrong. I'm like, if there's anything wrong, now's the time to tell me. Right. And she says, I got nothing. I don't know. Are you sure? She goes, have I ever given you any reason not to trust me? Okay. She was desperate. She was desperate. And I go,

No, you haven't. And I want to think everything's fine. Sure. Yes, yes, yes. So can he come over for dinner? Yes, he can come over for dinner. So we meet this boy. He's fine. I'm not thinking anything. He lives in Idaho. Does your husband say that's the boy that was walking down? No. We're still under the impression there is a boy separate from the Idaho kid who's walking down the driveway. So he

is hanging around. And for four days, he's hanging around. He's like leaving at night, going to grandma's, showing up at like 9 a.m. They're going to breakfast. They're watching TV. They're going to the lake. And I'm like, when are you going home? I don't even know you. Go home.

home. And doesn't your grandma want to hang out with you? Is there a grandma? He says, yeah, my grandma knows I have a big crush on your daughter, so she's okay with me hanging out here. And my husband and I are all,

What the freak? Go home. We are all done. All done. Day four. I get up really early. I have a thing I do. I get up. I grab everybody's laundry. Then I go about my day. I do my little journaling. I have a little coffee. The whole nine yards. And I go into the laundry area and I can see there's no laundry for my daughter. I...

to get it because I know where it is. It's on the floor of her room. That's how she rolls. So I go and it's locked. What the freak? Why is it locked? She whips the door open right then. I said, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I was going to the bathroom. What are you doing? I said, I'm coming to get the laundry that I know is on your floor. And she's all, no, no, no.

no. And she's like pushing me away. And I go, what are you doing? Let me in. I just want to get your laundry. And she's like, mama, you know, it's messy. You know, you hate how messy it is. She's really sticking to it. She's got no choice. She's in a corner. So finally she holds me one more time and I get mad. I'm like, knock it off.

off. By the way, I should have a caveat. Everybody said I could tell the story. So I walk into her room and there's clothes all over the floor and I pick it up and I

I put it in to my little bag and I walk in. She goes, where's Papa? And I said, he's upstairs about to get in the shower. And she says, I have a question I want to ask both of you. And I was thinking she's going to ask if she can drive back to Idaho with this kid. And I said, well, he's upstairs. Go catch him before he gets in the shower. So she goes upstairs. I go to the laundry room. But then I'm like, there's something. And I drop the laundry and I go back in.

into the room. She has sliding doors for her closet. And I open one side of the sliding door and I am like, I hate myself for this. I hate that I don't trust her. And I open one side and there's nothing there. I'm like, okay. And I open the other side and there's feet. And I just take my eyes and there's legs and there's shorts. And there is a 16-year-old boy going, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I just looked at him and I just punched him in the stomach. Oh, wow. What? Wow. Oh, my God. And I screamed out. And I'm screaming it because I'm not a cusser. And I'm screaming it because I know he'll be overwhelmed with the cussing. And so I'm screaming.

As if he's a burglar or a bear. I yell my daughter's name. Where are you? I go upstairs and Michael, he is blissfully standing there turning his shower on. He has no idea what's going on. I said, God, he's in the closet. And he goes, he's like trying to get sweats on.

and he runs out and she comes in crying and he looks at her and he goes I don't know what's gonna happen to you just super quietly I don't know what's gonna happen to you oh my god this is so intense wait hold on hold on hold on is this

boy the Idaho boy or is this a different boy okay the friend who brought her the coffee was him he had driven 10 hours in the middle of the night crawled through her window and then crawled out of her window my parents are gonna see this boy walking down the driveway which Michael did their thought process was it was short-sighted

I grab the dogs because I'm so pissed. And I'm like, I'm going for a walk. I'm so mad. And I'm stomping down the driveway and my other daughter calls. The older daughter is on a road trip. And she goes, hey, mama. And I'm like, you knew. And she goes, sister's secret. Epilogue. Four years later, they're still together. Yeah. Oh, wow.

I like that. And do you like him? After much therapy, we like him a lot. Oh, good. Was there any grandma or was he just coming to stay at your house? There was no grandma, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yay!

Four days he stayed in. So he was sleeping there every day. Yes. Scandalous little punks. I know. I couldn't get comfortable. I'd be so nervous the whole time. I was thinking the same thing. I was talking to my daughter before I got in here, and she said, I don't know what we were thinking. I'll tell you what they were thinking. They just wanted to be together. They were like a wall of fire will not stand in between our love. Jesus.

At the time, I just had to see him. I loved him so much, even though they had only known each other for like a week. She was right.

Yeah, she was kind of right. It's been a little roller coaster for us, not for them. Yeah, they're just fine. What did Michael land on as a consequence? Oh, so that was the best bedroom in the house. It had its own bathroom and it was the biggest. And accessible. Exactly. And we moved her upstairs into the tiniest bedroom possible. Into the storybook. What do they put the princess up in the... Yes, in the tower.

Yeah, you put her in the tower. And then she had to share a bathroom with her sister, which she ended up actually going downstairs because that didn't work out. Yeah, the sister's like, what the fuck?

Fuck, I didn't do anything. Except not tell my parents. That's a good sister though. We want that out of a sister. Yeah, you gotta respect that. I do respect it. But he told me he cried all the way home, called his mom, said she thought he was with his actual grandma in whatever, someplace Idaho. No one knew he had just kept driving. Oh, young love.

I have questions, but they're best not asked, I think. Well, like, were they doing it? Were they making love down there? And is the fact that he's LDS, like, he's like wrestling. That drive home for him is probably like, oh, my God, the parents know. Oh, I'm going to tell my mom. Oh, my God, I probably sinned. Yes. It's probably a heavy ride home. Yeah, I think.

I think he told her more than my kid told me. I'm very close to my daughter, but I'm sure she was sparing me. Yeah. And Michael. They both say no. There was some heein and a sheehan, as my mother would say. Heavy padding, snuggling. Okay. I hate that. I hate that stuff. That's so gross. It is really gross. Wow. Well, you guys.

- I've made it through that. - Annie, I really like your personality a lot. I give it a 10 out of 10. In fact, I can't even believe you were angry. - It's a rough one for me to get there. You gotta make me angry. - Yeah. Sounds like you have too good of a sense of humor about life to ever get really that angry.

knew that they would sneak around. So we said, listen, we're going to support this relationship, but you guys have to tell us everything. And the problem with that is I really tamped down how angry I actually was. I think it really came to a head about a year ago when I was finally like, I'm all done with this kid. I'm all done. And finally, I went to therapy and now I'm good. It was an opportunity for you to grow. We've all grown and now we're all in. Yay.

Until Michael finds him driving one of his Mustangs. Then it's a whole new. New prop. Well, lovely meeting you. This has been very fun. Nice to meet you guys. Thank you so much for letting me share it. Oh, it's so fun. Okay. Bye. Bye. Okay. Do you want to hear my story? Yes. What's your story? It's a very short story. You and I returned home from Austin two days ago and I weighed myself yesterday morning and I was 202.4 pounds, which means I gained like eight pounds on that trip.

And this morning, 24 hours later, I was 195. I lost seven and a half pounds yesterday through many, many, many harnesses. Okay. Okay. That was my story. Worth it? Oh, yeah. Her zoo name says Katie. Okay, we'll see. Caitlin or Katie? Or Katlina. Can I call you Katlina? I feel like she punched him in the stomach. Good for her. Hello? Hello?

Hi. So let's bring you into the argument we were having when you were signing on. And do you go by Caitlin or Katie? I go by Katie. Okay, Katie. What is your thoughts on females being physically violent towards young males that they find in their closet? I kind of like this. Really deep question. Yeah. I guess it depends on the situation. You're a woman and you find a man in your closet. The woman punches the man in the stomach. That is not the scenario at all. Okay.

You're a woman with teenage kids. Daughters. And you open the closet and there's a boy there that was obviously hanging out with your daughter. All night in her bed. I can understand. You can understand a punch. Yeah. A little sock in the tummy. Yeah. People react. Yeah, it's like a jump scare almost. Okay, great. So where are you calling from, Katie? I am calling from Duncan, Oklahoma. Very small town. Ron Howard's from here. Oh. Yeah.

And then the guy who played the Elf King, I can't remember his name, in The Hobbit. He's from Chickasha. Lee Pace? Yes, there it is. Yeah, I got to say, and this is no dig on Oklahoma, I almost never meet anyone from Oklahoma. They love it so much they don't leave.

It's cheap and I like it a little bit. There's not as much traffic. I mean, I do actually live in the city, but I'm down here recording this because I'm here for a job shadowing. Because what? Because you're what? Did you just speak in tongues? Why are you? What happened? Sorry. I came down here for job shadowing. Oh, job shadowing. That's not bad. Yeah.

Okay, so this is a wild card story. It could involve anything. Where are you in this story and what year has this set us up? Okay, so I was in my hometown, which is like 15 minutes away from where I'm at right now in Marlow, another very small town. The year was 2016. I had just turned 16 a month prior to the story. A little context that you need to know is that I'm the oldest of seven. Oh my Lord. Split and blended, you know how it is.

So as soon as I got my license, that task was set to me to take the kids to school, pick them up, do all the good stuff that an older sister would do. One day after school, I was a sophomore in high school and my brother was an eighth grader. I got to the middle school and he was like, hey, Kate, can you take my friend home? And I was like, yeah, of course. He lived a couple blocks from us. So I'm going to code name him JPIT.

I took him home and he didn't give me the address, but he just gave me like directions to the house. So I got to his house and it's set off on the road. They probably have like a 50 foot gravel driveway. And there's like a little white fence that runs along. It like halves the driveway up. I pull into the driveway, but I'm not facing the house how the driveway goes. I pull into it and I'm parallel with the road. So I'm on the wrong side of the road, but I'm in their driveway. So JP gets out and...

his father and grandfather come up to me and they're like, Hey, you old enough to drive? And I was like, yeah, I literally just turned 16. They're like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah. And I like went to go get my license out and they were like, no, we're just heckling you. Thanks for bringing our boy home. And I was like, yeah, of course. JP is the oldest of five. So he had several younger siblings outside at the time on top of the parents.

He gets out and I go to leave and I turn around, you know, check my blind spots from behind me, check in front of me. I go off and I just accelerate and I just hit this huge bump. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. I looked at my brothers and they were in the car with me. I was like, what the fuck?

And they were like, I don't know. And they just got back on their phones. I look back over and everybody is running to the room. So I get out. I walk to the back of the car and this flush of energy. It's like the craziest drug I have ever felt that I've been on. There was a kid laying in the road. Holy.

An entire child. He's not dead. I didn't kill him. Let's cut to the chase. But I just ran over him. Okay, yeah. Okay, okay. Was it JP? No, it was one of the siblings. It was not JP. It was his youngest sibling. He was about to be two. Oh! Yes, girl. Yes. This was a baby crawling under. Oh my God, what the fuck?

This baby crawled literally right past the feet of the two adults. There was a toy in the driveway. So whenever I pulled off, my back driver's side tire ran over his torso. Oh, my God. I forgot to specify. I drove a 2002 Tahoe. I drove a big bitch. Oh, yeah. That's a 5,800 pound vehicle right there. Oh, my God.

This is my nightmare. Will you knock on wood? Oh, I got to knock on wood. Hold on, Katie. I got to knock on wood. Okay. We're back. I was actually the one to call the police. The grandfather was like, call him, call him. I was describing what was going on and she was like, okay, what's the address? And I was like, I don't know. I never got the address. So the grandpa takes the phone from me and he's talking to them and police get there and they take out their little notepad and come talk to me. Of course, the first thing I asked, I was like, am I going to jail? And he was like, pins. Oh!

I was like, literally on what? I assume if they had not told the same story, maybe the baby was already in front of me and I was on my phone or something. Or they find out you're drunk, you're on drugs. Yeah, I never even thought of that. Yeah, because you weren't, so you didn't think of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really quick, when you were looking at this baby, when you first saw the baby, was the baby moving? The baby was writhing around crying. And thank God he was crying. Yeah. Yeah.

And the mother had run out of the house and she was screaming and crying, understandably. And she like pulled me down there with her and we were just all cradling together like she was rocking us. Nobody was mad at me or anything. They all said it was a horrible accident. I mean, nobody saw him. So I gave him a collapsed lung, a tear in his liver and like a torn ligament in his neck. Oh my God. It was crazy. Also, is your brother just like, what the fuck?

fuck? I don't think they said a word. I actually have never considered what they went through that day until now. Yeah. I drive for Amazon. I drive one of those big cargo vans. So anytime I'm on

on the road in a neighborhood and I see a kid just inching their way towards like the road. I'm like, stop. Wow. I'm impressed you entered the field of driving after that trauma. Maybe she's trying to heal. Yeah, like get back on that horse. Uh-huh. Eight hours a day. Now they took the toddler to the hospital presumably. And how long was he or she in there? He was in there for I think like a week and a half. Oh, that's so long. I believe he spent his birthday in there. Oh, wow.

He's 10 now. He is 10 years old and I see pictures of him. He looks like a normal kid. It was truly wild. Now, this may seem like a stretch of a silver lining, but I am going to say it. No one should run over kids. But when you're a new parent...

And you're like so concerned they're going to fall off the couch. They are fucking durable. Yeah. You would assume a 6,000 pound vehicle driving over a 25 pound baby. Definitely. There's no question there. But they're saved by the rubberiness. Just the fact that it was just a few centimeters from the super uber important parts. His head. Oh.

God. Yeah, it was crazy. This is such a nightmare. Yeah, how long before you calmed down? Was it like days later? I mean, I gotta imagine I would just keep...

Thinking of getting out of the car and seeing that. I didn't drive for a minute. And anytime I hit like a bump, I literally, not to be dramatic, but I look in my rearview mirror. Just make sure. Yeah, when you do something like that without any notion that there was something wrong, you have to permanently consider that that's on the table. There's something that feels really unfair about it. It's like you're just in your car. You're just dropping this nice kid off.

You don't even want to be there. And then it's not on you. What are you going to do? Get out of your car every four minutes to make sure something's not under your tire? You couldn't have done anything. We're blaming all the wrong people. It's the two-year-old's fault. Well, of course. I knew something like that was coming. After he got out of the hospital, him and his family brought up to the high school a flower, like a little flower vase for me. I was like, oh my gosh, it's actually really sweet.

really sweet. Yeah. Did work get out in high school that you had run over a child? Yes. I had 87 people in my graduating class. Honestly, you'd think that it was spread the worst in high school, but my family gives me shit.

Anytime they can make a joke, they give me shit to this day. It's their job. You're tough. I'm impressed by you. Like I said, oldest of seven. I'm sorry that happened to you. Me too. No other prompt matched it. And when I saw that a wild card got prompted, I was just like, hop on that. Yeah, we would never be audacious enough to put out a prompt. Tell us about a time you ran over a kid. You almost killed a child. As dark as we are. Yikes. Oh boy. Well, thank you for sharing that. Yeah, we very much appreciate it.

And I hope we're keeping you company on the road while you're driving around nonstop. Yes, I'm going through all of it. Thank you. All right. Well, be well. Great meeting you. And I'm sorry that happened to you guys. Thank you for listening. Oh, man. Oh, that's a nightmare. God, that is a nightmare.

Do you want to hear an uplifting story to right size? Yeah. Okay. So we got home from Austin on Sunday night and I got on the scale Monday morning. Again? And I was 202.4 pounds. Bye. I love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

In a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother. But this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker. Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her. And she wasn't the only target. Because buried in the depths of the internet is The Kill List, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders.

This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those whose lives were in danger. And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy. Follow Kill List on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Kill List and more Exhibit C True Crime shows like Morbid early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+. Check out Exhibit C in the Wondery app for all your true crime listening.