Armchair Anonymous: Hotel
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Hi. This is Crazy Hotel Stories. We love a hotel. Boy, oh boy, did we get a fucking doozy by a proprietor of a motel. Yeah. Not a motel, hotel. Yeah. Whew.

But sometimes motel shit goes down at hotels. Just because you're in a hotel and you can't park your car in front of the door doesn't mean some motel shit's not going to go down. That's right. Yeah. And we hear all about it. What a story. Yeah, you loved it. I loved it. There's one line that really got you. There's some word choice that I applaud. Yeah. Please enjoy Crazy Hotel Stories.

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Crazy hotel. Ooh, these should be good. Yeah. A lot of stuff happens at hotels. Oh, my God. Too much stuff.

Very sexy place. Also, because hotels run the gambit so much, it could be a Motel 6. Colonial Motor Inn. Four CZs. They found porno sometimes in hotel rooms. There's murders. My grandma found so many dead bodies. Oh, yeah. People go to motels that kill themselves. Do you know that? Oh, yeah. Because they don't want to leave a mess in their own house. So interesting what happens psychologically. Let's picture my little grandma finding dead bodies all the time.

Hello, can you hear us? Yeah, can you hear me? Oh, beautifully. Is this Mike? It is. Wonderful. Where are you, Mike? I'm in Covington, Georgia. Just right around the corner from my family. Oh, yeah. Another Georgia boy. Yeah, love it. Covington, that was the name of my favorite underpants, my boxer shorts I wore forever. I wonder if they were manufactured there. Is there any underwear manufacturing happening in Covington? Not that I know of. Okay. We've got General Mills. We make cereal here.

Yeah. Oh, the Battle Creek of the South? Yeah. It's also, fun fact, the last name of the professor I was in love with. Yes, it was. So it means a lot to me, Covington. Okay, so Mike, you have a crazy hotel story? Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

So we like to go to concerts, me and my wife. We went to Macon, which is about an hour from here. We decided to get a hotel room. That way we didn't have to drive home after the show. And actually, my sister-in-law, she wanted to get the points, so she booked the hotel for us under her name. So we stayed.

Went to the show, had a good night. We actually asked for a late checkout because we had a wedding to go to the next day. And it was in the opposite direction from our house. So we didn't want to drive back home, then drive all the way to the wedding. So we stayed. My wife was getting ready about 12 o'clock. And I don't know about Kristen, but when you're getting ready, I'm basically watching TV, walking around, keeping myself occupied. I go into the bathroom to talk to my wife while she's taking a shower. And behind the toilet, there's a picture and it's crooked.

So all I did, went and put a finger on one side, barely touched it. And the picture came down hard. And it cut the water supply line going into the toilet. Oh, my gosh. So I'm like, oh, shit. And my wife is like, what did you do? I said, I just straightened the picture. But water was coming in. It was like our extinguisher. Oh.

- Oh no. - It wasn't like trickle of water. I'm like, what do I do? She goes, I don't know, call the desk. I was like, all right. So I call the desk and the lady answers. She goes, well, just turn it off. And I was like, I can't turn it off. Yes, sir, just turn the knob. I'm like, you don't understand. I can't just turn the knob. She's like, okay, well we'll send somebody up.

Well, can I ask really quick, why couldn't you turn the knob? Was there not a knob, a shutoff knob? There was, but where it fell, it was like a PVC pipe coming in. It cut the PVC pipe. It's in the middle. Oh, before the valve. Before the turnoff knob, yeah. But they didn't understand. They thought I was just an idiot. Yeah, yeah. So water's just coming out like a fire extinguisher. My wife had to jump out of the shower real quick, put clothes on while she's still wet because there's a maintenance man coming up.

We get all our stuff, put it onto the bed. We're sitting on the bed because there's water going into the room. Oh, boy.

The maintenance man comes in and he looks over and he goes, why didn't you just turn it off? I'm like, I've told y'all I can't turn it off. And he leans down to turn it off. He goes, oh, you can't turn it off. I was like, no. He's like, I know what to do. So he calls the manager. Now, given it took about 10 minutes to get up there. So this water's going nonstop. So now he's on the phone trying to get the manager up there. Water's still going. Mike, are you on the first or second floor? I think we're on the third. Oh, Jesus. Multiple floors are in danger now. Yeah. Yeah.

He's on the phone and he's walking back and forth past our room and he's glaring at us the whole time. And I'm like, all I did was straighten the picture. My wife is like, they're going to make us pay for this. And I'm like, I hope not. So then the manager finally comes up probably about 15, 20 minutes later. And she's like, well, we got to turn off the water to the building. Duh. The maintenance man goes,

I don't know how to do that. Oh, boy. He goes, do you? She was like, no, I guess we're going to have to call somebody. So that's another 20, 30 minutes of water just constantly running. Oh, my God. The water was in the hallway going into the other rooms. And they walked across the hallway, knocking on the door. And this guy, he was in his boxers and he had a T-shirt on and he had a newspaper and he had his reading glasses on. And he just nonchalantly opened the door. And they were like, sir, are you OK? And he was like, yeah, I'm fine. And they were like, this floor is being flooded. He goes, yeah, I know.

I noticed there was water coming through the door. I just put a towel down. And they were like, do you want us to relocate you? He goes, I got to leave here in just a minute anyway. I'll be good. He wasn't panicked about it. Me and my wife are freaking out because we're like, they're going to charge us for this. And this is going to cost a lot of money to fix. Thank God it was under my sister-in-law's name. And they asked, they said, do you want to relocate? I'm like, well, you're shutting off the water, right? And they're like, we still got to get ready. So we abandoned the wedding. We went back home and we're just like, you know what?

Let's get out of here. They don't have our name. They can't charge us. So we left. Never heard anything back about it. My sister-in-law never heard anything back about it. But that was the time we flooded an entire floor of a hotel room just by fixing a picture. Oh, wow.

Wow. That's rough. So the glass cut right through the PVC? Or maybe the impact just broke it? I think the impact broke it because glass didn't break. Thank God. That would have been even worse. You know, the picture was so heavy, it just broke that PVC pipe right in half. I don't know why they have PVC pipe coming in from the toilet. Usually it's a metal. Also, what a curious place to hang a very heavy pitcher. That's dangerous in general. It could fall on someone's head. Yeah. They're making a duty. Yeah.

Needless to say, I'm not allowed to straighten pictures anymore. Yeah, just leave them as is. I have a dumb question, but was the wedding in Lake Lanier, were you supposed to go a little further north? I would have to ask my wife. It was my wife's friend. It was on the other side of Griffin. I know that. I was just going where she wanted me to go. Right. Oh, well, Mike, I'm glad no one saw a bill for that. Of course, they should just report that to their insurance. That shouldn't be anyone's issue. Right. And we weren't sure, but we just wanted to make sure that we didn't have to pay it because I'm sure it was...

several thousand dollars of damage. My brother did the same thing in England two months ago. I got him a room at a nice hotel in London and he started texting me panicked and

He had left the tub running. Oh, shit. Yeah, and he flooded the hotel room. It was a super expensive place. Oh, no. He panicked that we're going to get a bill for this whole thing. Well, and that does sound like his own negligence. Well, yeah, there's supposed to be an overflow, even if it's plugged. But I don't know. Something happened. Uh-oh. I will get a divorce if I don't let my wife come in and eat you guys. Of course. Send her in. What's her name? Liza. Here she is. Hi, Liza. It's a pleasure to meet you both.

Oh, you too. What's the deepest the water got? Was it ankle deep? Yeah. It was a rough one. And where was the wedding supposed to be that you were going to attend? I honestly don't remember. It was such a crazy day. It means a lot to Dax to figure this out. Was it Sonoya? No, it was outside of Griffin. Okay. Somewhere outside of Griffin.

Yeah, I don't know why it's important to me. I'm just trying to think of what was on the other side of Macon from Covington. He really likes to have the lay of the land of these stories. Yeah, I feel a lot safer if I know the geography of all this. Well, I apologize. This was probably six years ago. So I was just so glad we didn't have to.

Oh, yeah. And when you guys pulled out of the parking lot, you must have felt like people that just set a building on fire. Like, go, go, go, go. We didn't look at anybody as we walked out the building. You know what you could have done is if they tried to get you to pay, you could have sued them and said that you don't know how to swim and that you almost drowned. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's a great idea. We actually did end up going swimming that

that's what we did we came home and went swimming yeah and then the lawyers would have had footage of them swimming and said this claim is bullshit well it's lovely meeting both of you nice to meet y'all thank y'all so much we like our georgians yeah we sure do neighbors oh we love y'all oh thank you all right take care all right you too bye

I always have a fantasy that one of my friend's parents is gonna call. I want them to do that. I don't have that fantasy. I wonder why. You don't have any friend's parents? My mom has a lot of friends. Not my parents' friends. Ah, my friend's parents. Yeah. I don't have that fantasy either. Okay, just wanted, because this happened before we were recording, I wanted to tell a hotel story of my own. I have so many because we lived in hotels from 14 to 28, Aaron and I, doing car shows.

We have a lot of bad hotel stories. We have flooded a room or two. We've had some mix-ups. But what I wanted to tell people is that my sweet grandma, Grandma Midge, my grandparents owned a little roadside motel called the Colonial Motor Inn in Sturgis, Michigan. And it was off of Turnpike. So you get a lot of truckers and whatnot coming through. But my grandmother, on numerous occasions, found corpses. She'd get a call from the house cleaning staff saying,

It happened again, Midge. And Midge would get in the case. My grandpa didn't handle it. My grandma Midge did. She was hands on. Yes. For some reason, that didn't scare away. And as it was later explained to me. Do you think she ever was involved in any of the murders? Nope. None of them were murders. Oh, okay. They're all victims of suicide. And then it was explained to me by my grandmother, people go to motels because they don't want to ruin their own house. It's really sad.

It's really, really sad. But my poor little grandma, she was like five foot one, Belgium. Tough as nails. She's not poor because she's five one. She's feisty because she's five one. Yeah. Oh my God, maybe that's why you like young. Grandma. Because of my grandma, I like young women. Yeah. No, you like small women.

Well, my grandma, my mom. My mom's a mini. How tall is your mom? My mom's like 5'3", 5'4". And then Kristen, 5'1". Yeah. You've been vocal about liking that. Now I think it's all about your grandma. Mini mighties. Mm-hmm. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting. I think it's so sad. I mean, it's macabre. Yeah, it's pretty sad. Morbid. But it's interesting. I wouldn't have thought about that.

if I didn't have a family member who found corpses in their motel. Sure. I spent a lot of time in hotels in high school. For cheer? No, because we would go there...

there to drink oh sure i did a good deal of that too and we would just tell our parents it was because we wanted to hang out but we didn't want to like keep our parents up they would allow you guys to go to a hotel yeah they didn't think we were drink well i don't know what they were just turning a blind eye to and what they knew and didn't know were you allowed to spend the night there yeah we spent the night there you guys would go to a hotel for the night this was generally kept as a secret in my town people always lied no i'm at jennifer's house i know that's doing irresponsible things

quite responsibly. It's like they do know where we are. What was your main hawk? God, that's a good question. I don't know. I have to ask. Cheap as possible, I'd imagine, right? Cheap as possible, but not...

We still had some standards, but it was like 10 of us in one room, all drinking. Everyone was throwing, not me, people would throw up in the tub. Would the manager come to tell you to keep it down? Never happened. Wow. That's so fun. So you probably have a really good memory of these portable hotels. Would there ever be a pool? I'm sure at one point there was probably a pool. But you don't remember everyone hopping in? I don't remember much. We were drunk.

Yeah, they blacked out. All right, let's talk to Bailey in Birmingham, Alabama. Another Alabama? No, I just made up their location because her name or his name was Bailey. Hello, how are you guys?

you guys. Hi, Bailey. How are you? I'm learning how to use a Mac computer for the first time. Oh my God, that's a huge deal. Thank you, PC girly. You sound phenomenal, so it's working brilliantly. Good, good, good. You look familiar, Bailey. Do I? You do. Do you know us?

Probably. Probably. Where are you, Bailey? I am in Minnesota. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. And you have a crazy hotel story? I do. I'll first tell you a story about my submission. Okay, great. So I submitted, and then I was having intrusive thoughts that I spelled my email wrong. Oh.

My brain kept telling me, Bailey, you spelled your name wrong. You spelled your name wrong. You forgot to do at gmail.com. And so I resubmitted and I said, I am so sorry. I'm submitting twice, but I was having intrusive thoughts and I just needed to submit again and make sure I spelled my email correctly.

Yeah. And did Emma say you got it right the first time or thank God you corrected this? Nobody said so. Maybe the intrusive thoughts were correct. She got her email right both times. Oh, Rob just looked it up. He did the research and you got it right both times.

Hey, the intrusive thoughts didn't win. That's good. We don't like it when they win. It's like when you have to go check your stove or something. And if it's ever actually on, that'll fuel you for another 10 years. You guys get it. Even when it's not on, it doesn't help. You don't even take on that info. Like, you know what? It's never on. You don't do that. That's the nature of it. I kind of do. I'm like...

That was so silly, but I still keep checking. That's right. My point. Yeah. Okay. So hit us with your hotel story. I will take you guys back to 2012. I was 21 or so and naturally was going to a family wedding and I'm a cheap college kid at the time. So I'm not going to spend that $62 on a hotel by myself. And

And mom and dad aren't going to spring for it or they will if you sleep in their room? If I sleep in the room with them, they're going to pay for it. So my sister and I decide, hey, let's stay with mom and dad. Two queen beds. This will be perfect. So we get to the wedding. Mom and dad have two DDs for the night. That's you and your sister? Absolutely. Well, you're 21. You're not going to drink at this wedding? I don't know if I did. How old was your sister? Younger or older? She would have.

been 19. She honestly probably was drinking. I was probably the designated. Interesting. This is the Minnesota way. Mom and dad, they let loose. Why not? Good for them. We go to the wedding. All is fine. Went back to the hotel that night. Go to bed. We're a farm family, so we all knew we were going to have to wake up probably like 6 a.m. to head home. We had an hour and a half drive back home to get chores done. Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

That's farm life. No matter what, if there was a wedding, we don't ever get to sleep in. No, cattle still have to be fed. Gotta feed America. Yes, you do. That's really true. We thank you for your service. So the morning came and it was 6 a.m. bright and early. And I think my parents were probably milking a hangover a little bit. So they wake up a little disoriented, kind of like...

hey girls can you guys go get us some coffee we're like yeah we'll go get you guys some coffee let me set the scene a little bit about where our room is so our hotel room is on the first floor i wish i was in the room with you guys because i would physically walk how far the coffee machine was from our room just imagine about 12 feet so the continental breakfast has the nice little spouts i

I don't know. Not a coffee drinker. But we each grab two cups because they are dying of thirst. As we walk out, I flip that latch that keeps the hotel door open. So I didn't let the hotel door lock and I didn't bring a key. We are holding the cups of coffee. My sister's behind me. I walk in first. As we walk in, we see my mother bent over the bed. Oh, my God.

With her pajama shorts down around her ankles and my dad just doing it from behind. Just plowing her from behind. Absolutely. Yeah, they're like ornery and hungover and grumpy and horny. I know that feeling pretty well.

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So I'm telling myself that they were definitely still drunk. So I'm holding the cups of coffee. Hold on. There's a lot here because, you know, you guys left and your dad's like, oh, I gotta get in there, right? Or something. Or mom was like, oh, you gotta get in there. One of them was like, you gotta get in there. But both of them were so optimistic of how quick they were. The timing. Yeah, that they were going to be able to get this done with and be back in bed acting asleep within a minute or two. Yeah.

Okay. Now, mind you, this could have all been prevented if I would have just let that hotel door lock. But here we are. I yell, what the fuck? Oh, oh.

I'm just thankful I did not drop the cups of coffee. I set them on the table. And at that point, my mom rips her pajama shorts up. And she says, Bradley, I knew we wouldn't have enough time. Oh, I knew it. I knew it. You didn't know it. Yeah, we tried to be fair, but we were also being unrealistic. Oh.

Why did he... Oh. I knew we wouldn't have time. I knew we didn't have time. And I told you so immediately. Now, I got... Hold on a second. We got to drill a little deeper again right here, which is if I'm in that situation and my children walk in, I don't...

I don't want mom to separate and pull her dungarees up. It's probably best for everyone if we just freeze and everyone gets out of the room because if mom disengages, now dad's erection's on the scene. Oh. Right? Much better off keeping it. Okay, this is coming. Yeah. So at that point, my mom yells, Bradley! Bradley!

we did not have enough time for that. At that same point, my dad grabs the sheet off of the bed and he does like this whips to the other side of the bed. And my dad's a short, stocky, dad bod guy has this now toga sheet wrapped around him. Looks like a little Greek god

of some sort. Sure. As he stands up and I'm like, what is happening here? So I go sit on that corner of the bed. Oh God, you. No, not their bed. Right. But you did decide to stay. Sounds like she was like, were you a little shell shocked maybe?

I was shell shocked. Exactly. I bet the thought crosses your mind like, oh, are we going to act like no one saw this? So I got to play my part. Except she already said what the fuck. And then there was already that we didn't have time. Mom already let the cat out of the bag. But I do understand that impulse to just act like everything's normal, in which case I would stay in the room and sit on the bed. Do you think that maybe is what happened? I. You don't know. I honestly don't. I remember it was 615 and I have a pink flip phone.

at the time and I'm like I'm gonna T9 word anybody I can right now to tell them what happened I'm starting to send out the mass texts you guys aren't gonna believe how my morning is this just happened this is bizarre like

I remember sitting there. It was probably only a few minutes as they're getting dressed at this point. I got to ask a very uncomfortable question, but I think people will be mad if I don't. Dad, he's in a very thin sheet. Do we notice is he popped a tent or whatever they say? No, that's a tent.

What do you call that, Rob? Puppet tent. Puppet. Pitch a tent. Pitch a tent. Can we see that dad has an erection that's poking out? No, thank gosh. Oh, so you're not looking. Well, you just, you see stuff. You're actively trying to not see stuff at that point. Okay.

I think the visual of just the bending over action, plenty. Yeah, that was enough. Okay, really quick. I'm going to let you move on. But there's so many choices that were made. I need to do this really quick. Okay, he was too hopeful and optimistic. They probably thought the door was locked.

Or closed. That would be my guess. But also, best case scenario, stay under the sheets, climb on top of mom. That's not how they like to do it. Clearly. To the point where it's worth the risk. Because if he just got on top of her and kept the sheets on, we're fine almost. But no, he's standing and she's bent over like a saw horse. That's how she gets off, Dad.

Exactly.

Okay. All right. We're back. We're back. Which is a life lesson for really anybody is just let that door lock. Yeah. Yeah. Let it go. So I was T9 wording all of my besties. I remember turning to my sister who has not said a word yet. And I turned to her and I'm like, let's go to the truck now and listen to my iPod. Okay.

Now. Mind you, we have an hour and a half drive still with them. God, and you're farmers. Like, I feel like some family of artists could have handled this a little better. My sister has been quiet the entire time. And we get to the truck and we're like, okay, we're just going to listen to the iPod for the next hour and a half. No words whatsoever. And of course, we don't have AirPods or anything back in the day. So we've got the one strand iPod.

Between us, one ear, one ear, just jamming to the iPod the whole way home. We get home and we're carrying buckets of feed to the cattle. And my sister says, Bailey, I just don't know how they thought they were going to have enough time.

I said, they didn't. Yeah, that's the big question that remains. They didn't apologize or anything? No. Just pretend it didn't happen. You guys don't skewer them, get Christmas 10 years later. You guys don't make jokes. We might now. I think it's time. It's time for it to resurface. 11 years. Statue of Limitations is up. Yes. I got to applaud their youthfulness though. Yeah.

There's something life affirming. Yes, I was going to add that I'm very thankful that they love each other. I mean, that's a relationship that everyone strives for. Let's get a quickie before the girls come back. Yeah, that is nice. How old were they at the time, do you think? Yeah, you were 21. Early 50s.

God, your dad's a workhorse. What a stud. That is almost... I know, but you got to understand, men didn't get erections in the 80s once they hit 50. I think impotency was real standard for anyone post-50. I think so. Well, we'll get some data on this, Bailey. And report back. Yeah, you'll hear about it on a future fact check, I bet. Ah.

Well, thanks for sharing that horrible story. That was amazing. I really enjoyed it. Thank you. And I just want to do a quick shout out to my friend Paula, who's been a listener of yours since the beginning. And she's been listening for a prompt to submit this story. And she's actually here. Oh, great. Let's say hi to Paula. Do you care if she jumps on the mic? Let's say hi to Paula. What if it's Paula Abdul? Could be. Is she in Minnesota? Hello.

Hi, Paula. Oh my God, the attic. I love it. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. I just have to say, Dax, you're my Matt Damon. Oh, Paula. We have been waiting for this prompt forever and I'm so glad Bailey got to tell it. It's so hilarious. And I wish she could have told it in person because she does actions and it's just so funny. But poor Bailey. In all seriousness, this podcast has done so much for me and you guys are the reason I'm in therapy. So props to you guys and you're helping so many people. Oh, thank you, Paula.

We appreciate that. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. Please tell Bailey we love that story. Us too. So thank you so much. Good to meet you guys. All right. Take care, guys. Bye, Bailey. Bye, Bailey.

That got crazy. She was like vanishing and she was Bailey was suspended in air for some reason. She was slowly back. Yeah, I was trying to get the focus on Paula. It almost wondered if they orchestrated that whole thing. Oh, Bailey. Oh, man. She's kind of the perfect person to have seen that. Can't believe he was on his feet pounding. From behind. We could be having anal sex. Well, Jesus, Rob. I'm still talking about Bailey's mom like that. Rob, that's Bailey's mom you're talking about. My God.

- Morning April. - Also when you touched this, I thought what if it crashed and-- - And broke a pipe? - Yeah. - That would be fitting. - I know.

you can't have morning anal sex yes you can no because you got a thump in the morning maybe they had already pooped hi there hi sorry we were saying naughty stuff right as you signed on makes me happy i love it are you in a bunk bed with a sheet i am in a blanket for bunk bed absolutely it's my best option this is a first this is good this sounds great a lot of ingenuity happening what do

What do you do for a living? So I own a beach resort on the Jersey Shore with my family. What? Cool. Have you ever seen like the situation in the gang? No, we're not that type of Jersey Shore. We're like the quaint, family-friendly, low-key Jersey Shore. Were you ever curious when they were shooting that show to wander up there and see if you could see them? I was obsessed with them. Not really our vibe. You know, we like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch, I guess. That's fair.

Am I right to think that the season is coming to an end? Is it a good time for you or a sad time? No, it's great. Couple more weeks to go and then we're done. Got it. Oh, I have a feeling this story is about... Their own. Your own. Oh. Oh.

That would be a first. A proprietor. It is. It's about our hotel. And as low-key as it normally is, we see our fair share of crazy stuff. So I've got a doozy for you guys today. How many rooms are there? I want to get kind of an idea of what we're looking at. 53. So we're pretty tiny. We're like a restaurant, nightclub, wedding venue.

Oh, wow. This is a lot of fun. Very nice. Really quickly, my grandparents owned a motel and I was just telling Monica that my grandma many times found dead bodies. Does that happen to you? No dead bodies for us. Knock on wood. OK, great, great, great, great. Oh, sorry. Knock, knock, knock. OK. All right. Well, I'm just going to dive on into it. So it's a Friday morning.

I'm coming into work and, you know, we work some late night hours usually. So sometimes in the morning I come in around checkout time for the hotel. I walk in, I open the front door right to our lobby and normally it would be a pretty low key scene. It would be a couple people checking out, people would gather in their stuff, getting ready to go. And I'm

Immediately, I can tell that is not the case for this morning. It is a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby. Oh, wow. And they are losing their minds. Oh. I can immediately sense the tension in the room, and I'm overhearing people going like, what did you lose? I lost my beach towels. They were pottery bond. They're martyrammed. We lost all our life jackets. So I am...

On high alert. I lock eyes with our front desk receptionist and she just gives me that nod, like, go to the office, I'm going to meet you in there. She presents me with a full yellow legal pad of...

missing items from hotel rooms. What? Side note, we are that idyllic little town where people leave all their stuff outside of the room at night. You leave your car doors unlocked. Everybody puts their beach towels, their beach gear outside of their room. Never been an issue. Apparently today was not that day because almost every single hotel room had come down and reported something from outside of their room missing.

Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I am in semi-panic mode. You know, we want to keep our guests happy and don't know what to do. So I'm reeling, trying to think, what's our next step here? And in walks two of our managers. And I have a manager, Heather, who does our front desk and a manager, Tina, who does our housekeeping. And they come in and they were in earlier than me. And we've got a story for you. One of our housekeepers had walked by one of the other rooms and noticed as she looked through an open door, a boatload of beach stuff, like mountains of beach gear in a certain hotel room.

So she's like, all right, we've got an issue. So, you know, it was like 1045 when I got in there. Checkout's 11. So I'm like, all right, let's go upstairs. I gather my girls. We head up the stairs. Some of our rooms are oceanfront and they've got private balconies. So we go to the one next to this room who's already been checked out of.

And I walk out on the balcony and I'm peeking over to the next room and I'm trying to figure out, oh my God, is this it? And I just see mountains of things, all the beach towels stacked up, puddle jumpers, beach gear. I mean, everything.

So it's now 1101 and this is no longer this lady's room. So I'm like, all right, let's go. So I leave my girls down the hallway. I go up, I knock on the door. Little side note about this lady. She's already been an issue in the hotel. You know, we've got bars, we've got a nightclub. We've had a lot of complaints about her so far already. Ranging from just she's nosy or she's aggressive, loud.

Loud, aggressive, too drunk, causing scenes, chirping up people at the bar, being rude to the security guards. Like, you name it, she was doing it. She's been a handful. So I knock on the door, tell her who I am, kind of give her the old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms. Are you missing anything? She's like, oh, no. What are you talking about?

And as she steps sort of to the side, I look over her shoulder and I'm like, how many towels did you bring with you on this vacation? At this point, I'm like, I'm coming in the room. So I sort of just walk past her. And our rooms have a little bit of an entry hallway and then they open up into the larger space. So I'm coming in and I'm clocking all the stuff. I'm seeing the towel with Olivia's name on it. Oh my God. The huddle jumper with the mermaids on it that's been reported missing. I have the list with me and I'm like, this is it.

We've got a kleptomaniac on our hand. As I walk through the threshold to the room, I look to my right and I catch eyes with somebody I know in her bed. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. We are supported by

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So we have a lot of different bands that play at our resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort a lot is tucked up to his chin in her bed. And just surrounded with merch. Endless gear. I mean, a hotel's full. You could have a whole camp with the amount of gear for children that is in this room. So I look at him and we're just eyes on each other. We know each other and he's a deer in headlights. So I look over at her and I'm like, hey, do you guys have any kids registered with your reservation?

Because I know it's just her in this room. And she goes, oh, he has kids. So she's thinking on her feet. She's moving quick. She's trying. But I know this guy and he does not have children of this age. And I've never seen him with any family of anybody at the resort. So I look right at her and I go, that's not true. Come on.

And he is still just stone cold. So I'm like, listen, guys, I'm under the assumption that you've stolen all this stuff from all of our hotel guests. I go, I'm going to take it back. I go out to the hallway. I hooty-hoot my staff and I ask them to come down and they bring a whole crew of housekeepers. I mean, this is five, six ladies, arms full of stuff, just taking it all out. At this moment in your mind, have you...

tried to figure out because I'm immediately thinking this is the act of a super hammered person that didn't really know what they were doing. Not so much that they actually are a thief that wants this stuff. My guess right now is she woke up and was just as surprised as you are that all that stuff was in her room. She was absolutely drinking the night before, but

The reason that's not the case is because everything was nicely folded. She had mounds of towels rolled up perfectly and was loading them into her suitcase. How's she getting this out of here without people noticing? Also, what the hell are you going to do with all this stuff? It's not like it's highly resellable. I don't think it's about that. It's not.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

He comes barreling out the door, down the hallway, won't even look at me. He's gone. So I'm like, all right, I'll deal with this guy another day. I know who this guy is. So I go back in and I'm trying to just get the ball rolling for this lady. I'm like, you got to go. We're not going to call the cops. You're like, I'm not interested in that. I'm not even there. I'm just like, you got to get out of this place. We have reclaimed everything. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, but you got to get out of here. So I'm grabbing her stuff for her. I'm literally, she brought a Keurig machine. I'm holding a Keurig that she stole from the last hotel. Yeah.

Probably. She's joking with me about the weather. She's saying how much she loves our resort. And I'm just like, we got to go, lady. I get her down the hallway, out to her car.

As we're walking, she's detailing her plans to go to the next hotel down the street and check in. And I'm like, oh, God. So I get her in her car. I'm immediately calling the other hotel owner because, you know, we're a small town and being like, hey, this is coming your way. Absolutely do not let this lady check in. Before I can even get off the phone, I'm beeping through with another call from our housekeeping manager. And she's like, you need to get back up here right away. What the fuck? I'm like, did this lady sneak back in the other side? Like, what am I getting back into? So I hustle back up there.

And I get in there and there's a team of housekeepers in there. They'd come in. It's already past checkout. They're trying to get in there and clean the room. We've got a full hotel to flip over. And they are just shocked. And I'm like, what's going on? They pull back the sheets and poop stains all over the sheets. Oh my. The same bed Mr. Trombone Player was just laying in. We don't have cameras in the room, so we'll never know what really happened. So he was covered in the poop when he was in the sheets? Yes.

There was just poop stains, like poop juice. Oh, baby. And I don't know if I was so freaked out by the situation of the theft originally that I didn't smell it, didn't notice it, like the balcony door was open. But I looked down and there's one of the little maps we give out of our island that gives like tourist spots and restaurant recommendations.

Somebody moves that with a gloved hand, pile of poop juice. Oh my God. We look in the bathroom, poop, washcloths, poop, everything. But we deducted that they must have gotten absolutely hammered the night before, gone on a drunken rage of ransacking the hotel, and then probably celebrated with a big round of butt sacks right before they left. Yes! Oh my God.

Oh my God. Who else lays in those sheets? You're not going to lay in poop sheets if you're not a part of it. 100%. By the way, we got on with you and we said we were just talking about naughty stuff. It was anal. It was that. It was someone walked in on their dad, pounding mom, bent over the bed. It was like 6.15 in the morning. And I said, well, no one would have anal sex in the morning, but now we're hearing this story. Yeah. Well, we don't know if it was morning or night or, yeah. Poop everywhere. Wow. Round of butt sex.

That's the whole story. I mean, it ended in a good note. We have a great team. They cleaned the room. We have professional carpet cleaner machines. Like, we took care of it. All the guests were happy just to get their stuff back. So it was a happy ending. Oh, my God. I wonder if there was any poop on any of this stuff. People are animals. It was nuts. It's been six, seven years since this story, and we still call the trombone guy Roto-Rooter. Ah! Ah! Ah!

So he stayed under your employ. Did you guys ever have any follow-up conversation about that whole sitch? He left the band for a few years and then he's been back recently. I don't give him shit. I just kind of give him a little side eye when I see him. Like, I know. He has the audacity to show his face again. Well, I would say to him, listen, Carl, I'm going to let you work here, but you shouldn't have sex with the guests. That's off the table. But if it does happen, be mildly respectful. Clean up.

a little bit. Yeah. Oh, wow. We had to throw away all the sheets, all the towels, you know, everything. I mean, the room got stripped down to bare bones and started over, but it was nasty. Oh, talk about insult to injury. Also, the juice description is really something. This might not shock you, but in my 20 plus years in AA, this is the kind of story I hear. You know, this is generally someone's bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Pun intended. Yeah.

I just want to thank you guys for this. This was so much fun. I'm obsessed with your podcast. I listen every week, all the shows. Thank you. That was incredible. What a morning you had. Oh, I love that. Great start to my weekend. And all the guests, they were delighted when they got their stuff back. Everything was fine. Everybody was happy. Nobody caused a ruckus or anything. They were just happy to get their stuff and go to the beach that day. Oh, God. That poor woman. She's really hanging on by a thread. Let's hope she turned it around. Yeah, hopefully she's doing better things with her life these days.

Oh, boy. Well, Brittany, thank you. That was a blast. Before I leave, my friend Heather, who was a part of the story and who turned me on to your podcast, is here. Do you care if she says hi real quick? Of course. Let's say hi to Heather. She's our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning. Hi.

Hi. Hi, Heather. Oh, my God. This is so exciting. Now, did you also go take a look at the wreckage in the bed? Or did you take everyone's word for it? You got eyes on that. I got eyes on all of it. It was pretty nasty. And would you also describe it as juice? Yeah, I would say juice and then some. Okay. Well, so nice meeting both of you. This was incredible. You too. Thanks so much. Take care, ladies.

I kind of want to go stay there now. It sounds really nice. It does. I don't want to stay in that room. Yeah, I'll ask them what room that was in. I can't believe she said celebrate it with a round of butt sex. Yeah, you really can't get over that. What a way to phrase that. A round. Sounds like it might have been multiple rounds based on the amount of juice. Sewage, though. Yeah.

Fucking guy was laying in it. Why was he laying in it? He didn't know what to do. Do you think the percentage of anal is higher at a hotel than it is in your home? I do. People don't want to desecrate their home with the butt, but they're fine with it. Well, look at my only story of pooping a bed was at a hotel. You've pooped a bed before in your house. No, I don't think so. Really? No, Erin's kind of known for that. My only pooping a bed was that experience. Oh, okay.

- Hello, is this Matt? - Hey Dex, hey Monica, how are you guys? - Great. - Good, where are you calling us from? - I'm calling from New York, Manhattan. - Ooh, the big city, we love it there. - Yes, the big apple. - If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, Monica. - That's what they say. - Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? - What? - Lots of practice is the answer.

I'm glad there was a joke there. I really didn't understand. Adam Kirsch told me that joke. I love it. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Lots of practice. Okay. Hit us with your hotel story. Yeah. So this starts in the height of COVID going into 2021 to the end of 2020. My friend Slater and I are located in New York City. It's a little bit of a long way from here.

It's freezing cold. All the bars are closed. So there's not much for us to do. And with winter coming, being in a two by four apartment didn't really sound exciting. Especially if your name is Slater. Slater's meant to be out on the town. Yeah, Slater needs some action. Exactly. He actually has really good dance moves. So that's a good story. Our friend Nick, who is located down in Florida,

was FaceTiming us every other day, trying to get us to come down and say, it's bright and shiny down here. It's warm. It's beautiful. So Slater and I decided, let's do it. So once New Year's happened, we took a train down to Orlando, Florida. And that's kind of where we bounced around during COVID from Orlando to Miami and then ultimately Sarasota for about six to seven months.

Really quick, I'm just learning you can take a train from Manhattan to Orlando? You have to go to Virginia and then they have the Amtrak auto and you load your car up and then you take a train down to Orlando. Oh, you put your car on the train? It's super cool. Oh, wow. The tickets weren't that bad. We

We needed a car down in there, so we decided to do that. We ended up starting in Orlando. We were renting Airbnbs month to month, and then ultimately we wanted to go to Sarasota. So our Airbnb finished, and then the start of the new one, we had a week gap. We decided to go to Miami. We were supposed to stay with one of my friends. She happened to get COVID, so we decided to last minute book a hotel in an area of Miami I had been around constantly pre-COVID.

As we're kind of getting to the hotel, we realized that it's spring break in Miami. Oh, wow. So all the cooped up COVID people were letting loose. That's when you were seeing on the news about the whole curfew issue and mayhem going on in Miami. I do remember that. Yeah. We pulled up, the receptionist at the hotel looked at us and they see us in

polos and khaki shorts and nice shoes while everyone else is kind of in their swimsuit, drinking in the lobby. Music's blasting. And we had our golf bags, our work stuff, and we're ready to work in this hotel. So when we get to our room, you have the TV and the bureau, and then the hotel gives you a desk on the right side. Slater happened to set up his desk on the right. So we're about four feet apart. The next morning, we hit the gym. We

We come back and we just start our workday. He's on client calls. I'm on client calls. This is kind of where we developed this concept, which is called the midday shower, which is basically a way to essentially break up your workday into two halves. Okay. This is proprietary. Shower, go for a walk. Basically, you get away from your laptop and when you come back, you feel refreshed. Behind him was the bathroom wall. So all you had to do is basically get up, turn and go around. He turned the water on. And then this is where I heard a muffled

The best way I could describe this noise is the shower head fell off and hit the empty tub. And that's kind of what it sounded to me. I didn't know what was going on. So I looked left and this is kind of where I saw debris in the air. I looked at his monitor. I saw the plastic was pointing out at him as he'd been sitting in the chair. And there was a hole through it. Whoa. Wait, what? I realized that a bullet went through it.

I just jumped on the floor. - Oh my goodness. - Slater came out of the bathroom and he looked at me and he goes, "What was that?" And I said, "Bullet." So he dropped to the floor and I crawled towards him and then we're sitting on the bathroom floor trying to figure out what just happened. We called 911, we said, "Hey, we're in room XYZ at this location." Then we realized we have to call the hotel downstairs.

I don't know why I didn't really Google try to call the front desk. Maybe it was going to 1-800. I can't really remember. So this is where I crawled from the shower to the center of the room for the phone. Called the hotel downstairs. I said, hey, I was just shot fired. And they were basically like, okay.

Please be safe. And then we hung up. Thankfully, there wasn't any further shooting, nothing. So we were all safe, thankfully. And I don't know what time from that period, from when we made the calls to when they showed up. Might have been maybe around like a half an hour. And then ultimately we heard a knock on the door. Hey, it's the cops. We opened the door. He decided to escort us out safely to the elevator. And the individual next door to us called.

comes out as if nothing happened and is just walking by us. And the cop said, are you in this room? He said, yeah. So the cop started to interrogate him and Slater and I went down to the hotel lobby into the conference room with a cop and the manager of the hotel for about an hour or so.

Slater and I realized that we're in the middle of a work day. We asked the cop, can we go back upstairs? We don't want to say we're in Miami where if you look out the window, there's partying and everything kind of going crazy. Yeah, yeah. So we realized basically what happened. The bullet hole was through the wall, through Slater's monitor.

And had he been sitting there, it would have shot him right in the chest. Oh, my God. Thank God for your proprietary shower break. Exactly. And then we realized since he wasn't sitting there, it went through the wall where the shower was located and it actually chipped the tiles.

So had it been maybe even a stronger bullet and Slater was in the shower, it would have hit him in the backside too anyway. So we were really thankful. So then we get our work material. We head downstairs. You guys are really good employees. I want to add that. No one's thinking about calling the boss and going like, hey, we almost got shot a second ago. We're going to have to call some of these clients back later. We didn't want to do that. We didn't want to let them know that we were really milking out the remote work. So we kind of left it at that.

We're in the conference room downstairs in the hotel lobby and we asked the cop what happened to this guy, where the shot came from. And the cop said that when he went into the room, the entire seat was cleaned up. So the debris wasn't on the floor from his side and the hole was almost as if it was plastered up. And the bureau for where the TV is, he just moved it over. So essentially nothing on his side. He had said, oh, it was a champagne bottle that exploded and went through the wall. Wow.

The cop basically said, well, if you look on this side of the hotel room, it's a completely different story. So it was labeled as an accidental discharge because I guess the rules down in Florida are a little bit more liberal. So he essentially was free. No repercussions, nothing for him. Oh, my God. No problem discharging a firearm in your hotel room and almost killing your neighbor. Who was the dude? Was he a kid on spring break or was he another work remote?

adult no he was definitely an adult definitely older how old we were 24 at the time so he to me looked around 29 maybe 31 okay he's not like my age he's not old time no no because i was starting to think of some old timers i mean he's gonna bring his gun in case he gets attacked and then he's moving his underpants and the guns in the drawer but no this is a 31 year old i mean he must have been handling the gun he was taking the gun i guess out of the suitcase and it just popped

Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a fucking bozo. Oh, wow, Matt. What a bizarre story. One of a kind. We didn't have any other... Hotel stories like this. No, we did not. You literally dodged a bullet. Nice. You rarely get to say that and it's literal. Yeah, it was fun. Well, Matt, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story. Thank you so much, guys. Take care.

oh wow that's scary where did you think that story was going because i of course thought there was going to be a spring breaker who did something wild maybe crashed into the room or something in the elevator okay i thought he fell in the shower oh because he started talking about the shower well he heard a big noise yeah and i thought it was he fell and then he had to go in there in his naked body and he had to deal with the naked body

That's fair. Did not see that one coming. Geez, scary, yeah. I wonder if they celebrate it with a round of butt fucking. Hopefully. Oh, wow, that was good. Hotels were good. Yeah, fun. I want to go to a hotel. Me too. Okay, I'm going. Bye. Bye. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or a theme song? No.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

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