Binders Full of Epstein (E315)
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If you're hearing this, well done. You found a way to connect to the internet. Welcome to the QAA podcast, episode 315, Binders Full of Epstein. As always, we are your hosts, Jake Rakitansky, Liv Agar, Julian Fields, and Travis View.

As expected, the second Trump administration is harming people in a lot of material ways. There's the pointless and costly tariffs, the violation of civil liberties, the stripping down of public services and what little regulatory systems we had. But to add insult to injury, all of this is paired with dark spectacles that Paul Verhoeven would reject for being too grotesque and nihilistic for his films.

Wait, so you just want the thunder but no lightning? I mean, it's just, it's, I don't know, it's just ugliness all around. It spun you out so bad that you're making like episode titles that are references to the Romney campaign, showing both your age and how nerdy politically you've been for a long time.

It was actually my pitch, by the way. So if you must aim your anger, you can aim it towards me. Jake, you always tell me not to do that. The last two episodes, I'm trying my absolute best. You're telling me to aim at you? Okay, fine. Yeah, just for that joke, not for the rest of the episode, please. Oh, sorry, I couldn't hear you. You're breaking up. For example, a couple weeks ago...

The DOJ tried to publicize the release of information about prolific child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein by partnering with social media influencers. But they released no new information, and the stunt failed so spectacularly that it led to a lot of damage control and finger pointing. That's so... I just love it, dude. Imagine, imagine, like, like, UFO D-Class, but, like, the server just goes down or something. Like, you know, just...

Just having these big moments, like it's like, oh, it's the storm and it would have happened if we hadn't had a three day like issue with our Microsoft networking. Yeah, exactly. It's like D class. Here it comes. They're like, oh, wait, actually, now this is these are the pictures of somebody throwing a hat into the air like we published the wrong ones. Fuck, we mixed them up. I think one difference between Trump one and two is that like

the people in his cabinet now have like especially bad political instincts because they're just getting there purely through like being a sycophant to Trump. Yeah. And I think like being cruel and evil is pretty much all they're good at. So if you try to do anything else, you know, there's just like, oh, this is this doesn't come naturally. And like you said, no instinct for it. Yeah. Like talking about why sex trafficking is wrong. They can only do through like a cruel way of like we're going to punish gay people or whatever.

I wouldn't actually have to do anything concretely positive about actual sex trafficking. It's like, no, they have no clue. Mm-hmm.

All that's left is like the bottom of the barrel. Anybody who has like any shred of self-dignity whatsoever has long since jumped this ship. I think he has self-selected finally for the haters. Like the losers kind of was like the first term. This is like the haters term. Yeah, I think I saw a tweet recently I liked, which is that Trump's big innovation is that he did his administration first as farce and then as tragedy. Yeah.

Yeah, it is. It is very funny. Like, it feels a lot like like his nominations were like, hey, just like the room full of people who've supported him, like throughout or who like, you know, paid into the big system or whatever, like whatever internal like Bernie Madoff system he has set up. And and he's just yelling out like, OK, who wants to fucking take care of the FBI? You know, and it's just like whoever wants to destroy. Yeah.

An institution most is just like, me, me, sir, sir. I said I would flatten it with a big steamroller. So, yeah, we're going to talk about this unfolding failed attempt to release new information about Epstein. And then at the end, as a treat, Jake has a new story for us, which I'm looking forward to. Let's go. We're not dead. I'm not dead. We're back. That's an incredibly low bar to clear, Jake. Yeah.

I'm not dead. Not yet. Not yet. We're not done having fun yet. Yeah. Conspiracists often fancy themselves as clear-eyed realists who understand the dark nature of power. Yeah.

You know, they're not like those naive normies who trust people at the top of the pyramid and buy the official line on every major world event. They understand that the world is actually far more corrupt and the elites are far more malicious than your average CNN viewer could possibly imagine.

I'm certainly sympathetic to the view that the world is governed by a great deal of malice and corruption, but sometimes I think that conspiracists are actually far more naive than your average voter. This can be seen most clearly when they become convinced that the disclosure of long-held information is imminent. They believe that exposing the full depravity of powerful corruption is as simple as declassifying a few documents hidden deep inside some rusty file cap.

While that certainly can happen, and there are historical examples where disclosure of government documents revealed the evil deeds of powerful people, there's just no guarantee that it's actually going to happen in every instance. And while it's always noble to push for greater transparency, there's also no guarantee that transparency will automatically lead to greater clarity. And even that like greater clarity will lead to any sort of powerful people being held accountable, any sort of change in that structure.

Yeah, yeah, they have this strange, naive belief that, like, well, we're going to expose the evilness, and then we will vanquish the evil people by sending them to Gitmo or whatever. We'll make them go away because everyone will know how evil they are. But no, someone can be evil, and we can all know how evil they are, and they can still be very, very powerful. Yeah.

I like that you believe in nothing. You know, you're like, guys, we're just never going to find out what was on those DVDs in that safe that were labeled with, you know, people's names. We're just like, give up. Okay. I'm not saying give up. I'm saying it's not a guarantee. No, that's well, that's an easy, this impossible to disprove if you're going to state it that way. Travis has achieved like the ultimate sort of like measure of a human being, which is to be satisfied while not being sure of anything. Yeah.

It's actually like it's actually like quite incredible. Like people, people should be writing books like just about how to people pay thousands of dollars in therapy bills, like just to achieve that level of like, well, it's not guaranteed with with a smile on his face and genuine instead of being like, well, nothing's fucking guaranteed, which is where I'm at. Julian, I think, is at most of the time.

To cite one major example of conspiracist optimism, I think it requires a massive amount of positive thinking to believe that the Trump administration will release all available government information on Jeffrey Epstein. This is in light of the fact that Trump once said of Epstein, quote, terrific guy, he's a lot of fun to be with.

And Epstein once claimed in a recorded conversation, quote, I was Donald's closest friend for 10 years. It really is interesting, like how much of a Trump true believer you have to be to actually want the Epstein files to be fully declassified. Because like any sort of cynical person who's on board with Trump is like, obviously we don't want to know what that relationship looked like. May I play the devil's advocate and say that I think like your more savvy Epstein declass person would be hoping that Trump, out of spite, really...

releases parts that we have not seen or like part of evidence that we have not seen like and we're basically going to catch it like a stray bullet that he's shooting at his enemy right so like that's all we can hope for is like little bits of truth as as like elites weaponize information against each other

When you think about it, Trump's election means that Bill Clinton is the president with the second closest association with Epstein. So a cynical person might conclude that we are not going to get the full story on Epstein so long as Trump is president, if it's ever going to happen. But for some reason, lots of conspiracists seem to think that he's the man who's going to reveal everything the government has on file and blow the lid on elite sex trafficking.

Instead of corn pop, he should have been talking about Jeff Epp because he's not on the flight logs. Come on, Mr. Biden. You still have minus two months. Now, so far, at least, you'd be vindicated in being skeptical that this administration is going to release any new interesting Epstein information, because despite the fact that Trump has claimed he would release government files, there haven't been any interesting bombshells yet.

Back in July of 2024, when Trump was just a candidate, he said during an interview that he would be willing to disclose government information about 9-11, JFK, and Epstein, though he seemed to be slightly hesitant on full disclosure on Epstein. Interesting. I got you. I got you for clips. Hold on. It's number one. It's top of the list.

I didn't mean that in a rude way. I know you meant it genuinely. Liv is a high-level computer user. She would be 2Xing all your behavior, so she's trying to accelerate the video of you doing stuff. Faster!

Liv is it just like driving? I couldn't relate if my if my mouse is like this like yeah When someone tries to use my computer like next to me, it's like it's like I'm being tortured Would you declassify the 911 files? Yeah, would you declassified JFK files? Yeah, I did a lot of it. Would you declassify the Epstein files? I

Yeah. Yeah. I guess I would. I think that less so because, you know, you don't know. You don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there because it's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world. But I think I would. There's a lot of false allegations that Epstein has been making in his private records. Like SNL couldn't have made a better joke about, you know, if they were spoofing this scene. Yeah.

Also in 2024, now FBI Director Kash Patel indicated that Trump would reveal Epstein information on day one. Hell yes. I think President Trump's strongest point, I think he said this publicly, is like he's going to have one of these offices or commissions that put

that puts this stuff out and everyone can request information be like hey i want the bay of pigs information out i want the whatever documents out and i think that's the way to do it the epstein documents right well the epstein black book wait this moron is reinventing foia i know this absolute fucking dunce is like yeah so it would be like uh people could just like request uh for for information and then you can do it on truth social instead of an official document

You can now use emojis in your request. It's crazy to watch this video and see like, you know, which is kind of looks like your average conspiracy, you know, right wing podcast. But then look at one of the guys and be like, that's the head of the FBI. Did anyone else see like the news that said he wanted to run the FBI just like from his like place? Like he's just he refuses to move to like a new city to be at the head.

head of the entire fbi wants to work from home yeah he's like is it okay if i do it on my goon cave like six screen monitor i feel like it's already kind of like a situation room no he wants to retain the flexibility of a podcaster he wants to retain his semen he wants to retain the flexibility i bet patel patel like must have the fucking best browser history just fire after fire

And after Trump won, Attorney General Pam Bondi even suggested that she would declassify information about Epstein clients. This is something Donald Trump has talked about. The DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein's clients. Will that really happen?

It's sitting on my desk right now to review. That's been a directive by President Trump. I'm reviewing that. I'm reviewing JFK files, MLK files. That's all in the process of being reviewed because that was done at the directive of the president from all of these agencies. So have you seen anything? You said, oh, my gosh. Not yet.

Awesome. Yeah, right. But still, sitting at her desk, ready to go. They just, because everyone, they all like, their brains are just like stock images or whatever, or like, you know, really bad movie scenes. It's just like, they can't describe anything like what is actually happening because it's way too complex and complex.

and like chaotic, you know, you can't just pull the file, but I wish you could. I mean, if, if they really fucking did this thing, don't you think they created a fail safe? So if a president comes in that could just like push the D class button, it would be as hard and complicated and weird as possible. Hmm.

I think long ago with like MKUltra files and like the fires and the fact that there were some left over, they've probably examined like past cases where ultra top secret programs were like leaked. Right. And how to avoid doing that forever more.

And I think they've gotten pretty good at it. So why would we expect that if like you, you know, let's just say Epstein was like a high level cross agent. Mossad, United States. He worked for intelligence. I'm liking where you're going. Yeah. He was gathering. He was gathering like compromise on as many rich and famous people so that they could, you know.

have them do their bidding or whatever. Let's say all of that is true. You don't think that the people fucking running that would like have, I don't know, created a basic like shredding system or a way for this to never get out no matter who gets put in the fucking presidency. It also to them might not be that big a deal. Like Epstein could be like one of many pedophiles sting operations, you know, capturing large swaths of data that to this, this is just like another guy in the cabinet.

I mean, like, you don't think that at the very least, like, Trump had a talking to, like, about, like, hey, man, by the way, you know, don't forget you're on that shit. So don't forget Protocol, you know, Blue. And then we're never going to find out about Protocol Blue. I mean, don't you think? I mean, just it seems...

pretty basic to me. I do find it hard to believe that it's just like Pam Bondi looking at the files and being like, oh, and then not releasing them. Not a chance. Pam Bondi would never be given a single useful thing. Yeah, yeah. The idea that it's up to Pam Bondi, that like that's the... No, if there's really a deep state, then we have to at least pretend that they might be somewhat competent. It is so funny. Like this conversation reminds me of when Julian and I first started doing the podcast without Travis, where it was just us are kind of like arguing back and

forth about like which conspiracies like we think are actually real and epstein always does this to us by the way like every time we do an epstein episode we turn into like a vaguely conspiratorial podcast except now we have live as well to join in oh with the theorizing so travis has one more person to like keep derailing like his hard-earned research it is the most real of them

That's the problem with it. Yeah, yeah. Because it really lets you go off into whatever direction you want. No, there's a lot here, and it's all really fucking shady, and we do not have basic answers, and we know on some level that intelligence is involved and has files that we would all love to see about Epstein and the case in various different ways. But, man, do you think the fucking deep state's going to accidentally send good shit to Pam Bondi so that Trump can make a dumbass point? I mean, maybe. Maybe.

I mean, at this point, there really is no one at the wheel. But there's got to be a second wheel. If there is a deep state, like it has, there's a second layer somewhere. But here's the thing. They are, we're going to get to it, but they're going to, they basically blame all these failures essentially on the deep state.

In the lead up to this disappointing release, conservative pundit Glenn Beck even claimed that he had inside information that Kash Patel would release Epstein files the day that Patel was confirmed as FBI director. The only thing I care about is the scandal of the pedophiles and...

And in the next 10 days, you're going to see the Epstein file released. In the next 10 days? Next 10 days. Oh, please. You think in the next 10 days the whole thing's going to be released? Yeah. And what kind of information do you have to be able to be that certain about it? Uh.

I plead the fifth. In the next 10 days. The next 10 days. Oh, please. Stop it. Next 10 days. You're teasing millions who want that list. Day number one, Kash Patel walks in. By the end of the day, it will be released. Obviously did not happen. The scandal of the pedophiles sounds like, I don't know, you're

you're like an alien trying to learn to be human or something. Like this absolutely rules. I love like the people who are like, people can't wait to find out who's on that list. Like, bitch, we have the black book.

There is shit that slipped through. You can see the people that he fucking had like multiple phone numbers for as in knew quite well. Yeah. The thing is that like people think that it's like there has been a lot of like, you know, interesting information has been released. But like there hasn't been like a big blow up. There hasn't been perp walks. There hasn't been our world hasn't been turned upside down as a result of this information being released.

And that's what they're hoping for. They want some sort of information to be released. And then just the way we live just absolutely gets inverted because the information is so explosive. But I don't think that's going to happen. Yeah, even in their wildest dreams, if they were arrested, they would all be like negotiated backdoors with lawyers. It's not like Departed where, you know, there's going to be all of these FBI raids and people, you know, getting, you know, brought out in handcuffs, yelling at the cameras and stuff.

I mean, like, look at what happened to Diddy. It was like it was one of those things where it was like investigators are looking for Diddy. And then it's like Diddy is now in custody. Like, it's just they you know, when you're dealing with super powerful people, like even if they've done these horrible things, you know, they array they arrange it in a way so that even even if it comes true, it's not going to be satisfying. I think liberals got that with, you know, when Donald Trump was arrested. Yeah.

Like even when you have the mega QAnon sycophants like in charge of these institutions, they've inherited and then realized there is some delicate balance of power with like specifically Epstein that like if they touch would create like an incredibly destructive domino effect, I would assume. And they're like, oh, that's why it hasn't been touched. I guess we'll just continue that, especially with Trump as president.

If the Trump administration actually did follow through with this and released, you know, information about Epstein that gave us a more complete picture, I mean, I would have no choice but to hand it to them because there is no denying that there are a lot of unanswered questions around the Epstein case. Like,

For example, when Alexander Acosta, the U.S. attorney who handled Epstein's 2007 sweetheart plea deal, told Trump transition officials that he'd been instructed to back off because Epstein, quote, belonged to intelligence. What the hell did that mean? That's awesome. That's so good that that's just on record and we still can't do anything.

We know that that's what hurts the most about Epstein. It's like, yes, there's lots we don't know, but most of it we know. The perfect conspiracy theory. We see it. It's being handed to us like there's no it's not even a conspiracy theory. Like we're using like quotes and fucking documented facts to build an idea of something that was highly organized.

Another big question, how Epstein built his fortune. Epstein was supposedly a financier, but he had only one verifiable big money client. That is the Victoria's Secret tycoon, Les Wexner. Another critical financial question is how Epstein was able to move vast sums of money through major banks for years without raising red flags. Or when flags were raised, why were they ignored? Why were there big green flags that like waved everything through? Yeah.

We don't understand. Epstein was a client of JPMorgan Chase from 1998 up until 2013, during which time he wired millions of dollars to alleged co-conspirators and victims. Internal compliance officers at JPMorgan did raise concerns about Epstein's cash withdrawals and payments, especially after his 2008 conviction, but the bank kept him on as a client. It's just very weird. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Another big question, like, you know, like Julian mentioned, what exactly is contained on like the CDs and the hard drives obtained by the FBI from Epstein's Island and his New York townhome? I mean, this isn't even like getting into questions about Epstein's accomplices. I mean, I could go on. I mean, yeah, we haven't even touched on like the broken cameras and the hyoid bone. Yes. So many fucking weird ass, horrible little details.

Because of FOIA lawsuits, we know for a fact that the FBI has a lot of Epstein-related files that have not yet been made public. And, you know, there are perfectly legitimate reasons why we may never, in our lifetimes at least, see everything they have. Many of those pages remain sealed under court order or exempt from FOIA due to privacy concerns. For example, like there's names of third parties and victimization.

that are redacted and any materials from grand jury proceedings or confidential informants are withheld. Julie K. Brown, the Miami Herald journalist who has done the most important work exposing Epstein, reported this about the risks of a document release and what may still be revealed.

FBI sources told the Miami Herald Friday that they worried releasing the documents without a careful review, one that would likely take weeks or months, would jeopardize the hard-won 2021 conviction of Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Maxwell is appealing her conviction and 20-year sentence for child sex trafficking. Sources also said that the files are voluminous. There are 22 files containing over 500 pages in the FBI vault. A

a portal on the FBI's website accessible to the public. The bulk of those 11,000 plus pages are heavily redacted, and Justice Department prosecutors have fought their release for years. While Bondi pointed fingers at the FBI in New York, many more files exist in other jurisdictions.

One critical source of evidence against Epstein was in the discovery for a Florida civil case brought by Epstein's victims against the FBI in 2008. That case spanned a decade and included tens of thousands of pages of material that sheds light on how federal prosecutors mishandled that early case. Not all the FBI documents connected to that case or the federal criminal case in Florida have been made public.

So yeah, there's, I mean, there's a lot there, but Julie K. Brown shut down the fantasy that there's going to be a release of like a single Epstein client list that can identify every single person who trafficked children with Epstein. There is no Jeffrey Epstein client list, period.

It's a figment of the internet's imagination and a means to just slander people. I would say that it would be nice to know like a couple of people who like were sleeping with underage women with him. It would be cool to just get like a couple confirmed names. I'm sure, you know, some light investigation could probably reveal some of those to the public maybe.

Ask him too much? Yeah, I know. Even though maybe the release wouldn't get us the full story, there has to be something interesting in there. So on February 26th, Attorney General Bondi made a very exciting announcement while speaking to Jesse Waters on Fox News. They were going to release Epstein information the very next day.

I think tomorrow, you know, the personal information of victims. Other than that, I think tomorrow, Jesse, breaking news right now, you're going to see some Epstein information being released by my office. What kind? Are we going to see who was on the flights? Are we going to see any evidence from what he recorded? Because he had all of his homes wired with recording devices.

What you're going to see hopefully tomorrow is a lot of flight logs, a lot of names, a lot of information. But it's pretty sick what that man did. Wow. Bondi just finding out. She's like, it turns out this guy, like not a good guy. People wanted his files and I had to look into him. And yeah, he did some awful stuff, I guess.

If you consume conservative media, I mean, you get this, you've been getting this message for months and months and months. Epstein files are coming. Trump's going to do it. Everyone's saying it. The attorney general is saying it. FBI directors and say it like Glenn Beck is saying it. Everyone is saying it. So you would be reasonable. So you'd think that, you know, I mean, it's just if you're consuming this media, then like you have it in your mind, that's actually going to happen. I would just simply like a list of anybody who's appeared in media.

video material that was taken from Epstein's place. Just a list of everyone who's appeared on the video material. Is that so fucking hard? I think that's a fair ask. We're never going to fucking get through this otherwise. The list means nothing, but if you have been caught on video at Epstein's fucking internal recording studio or whatever, yeah, that's the list we want and we'll never get it because folks...

Folks, they control everything. It's like to catch a predator, right? Like if you show up at the door so we'd at least like to know who's knocking on the door with flowers and a pizza. You know what I mean? It's just Bill Clinton over and over like, hey, hey, it's me again. He's like too close to the camera. Hey, it's me again. Hey, it's me again. Hey, hey, please let me in. Come on, man. Last time was a fluke. Hope you're hungry. I brought that large pizza like pizza and six Gatorades like you asked me to.

Now, you might think that the first move for this disclosure would be just to release what they have just publicly, just publish it for everyone to see. Like, for example, on the FBI vault website where they usually release declassified FBI documents. No, they're doing it the Twitter files way, which is really annoying, useless, and kind of makes it harder to even process anything.

Instead, they gave the documents to 15 MAGA-aligned influencers who happened to be visiting the White House. Awesome. These were just people from the internet, like Mike Cernovich, Jack Posobiec, DC Drano, a.k.a. Rogan O'Handley, and libs of TikTok.

A.K.A. Chaya Raichik. It is a posting presidency. They do have like the new media information game on lock. Like liberals are totally failing in that respect. They released it to Totenkopf69. Yeah. Well, it's just that the liberals, for the most part, their content isn't like – they don't go far enough. They flirt with like the –

But like they had there's some sort of conscious there that, you know, that is keeping them from like completely just making. I mean, you know, except for, you know, a handful. But like, I think that's the thing is look at this. This is like such a gummy bear like lineup. It's like lips of tick tock DC Drano. It's like this is like the toxic Avengers. You know, they couldn't even do like a somewhat pretend news people like a Jesse Waters or even Tucker Carlson. No.

I mean, like all the pretty much all of the like normie sort of new media political people are on the right. Like with the exception probably of Hassan, who is not even a liberal, like he's not a Democrat. Like the Dem establishment is like totally failing at this. And I guess this is an example of the White House, like recognizing that part of their winning strategy and like giving them these sort of what they perceive to be, I guess, wins. I mean, it seems like to me and even like if you know what's going to be released in these, that is...

letting these influencers hype them up is probably going to fuck over their careers in some way, as we see in the future. But I don't know what is going through their minds. Attorney General Bondi and FBI Director Kash Patel handed these influencers binders with the title of The Epstein Files Phase One. The truth is out there. Yeah. The binders also had the word declassified stamped across the top. Oh.

Even though the documents did not contain any official government declassification markings. So this was just for show. Yes, this was like some intern somewhere. They were like, can you put a big declassified on the cover? They all have poster brain. And I mean, I guess it works if you have poster brain and everyone else does.

Then people will eat it up. Yeah, people will understand. Something they can grab onto. Yeah, it looks just like a movie. As Julian said before, it's these simplified cliches. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Shortly afterwards, the FBI published the content of the binders online, and Epstein researchers soon discovered that it only contained previously released information. In fact, some of these pages were redacted versions of previously released documents, so it actually contained less information than what has been previously released.

It was worse. Yeah. Yeah. It's literally worse than if they just looked up like Black Book, like just Googled like Epstein Black Book and clicked on like the first proper like PDF embedded thing.

Perhaps the most baffling influencer included in this group is the Instagram personality Jessica Reed Krause, a.k.a. House Inhabit. Everybody's got names. I'm sorry to cut, but this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. Libs of Diptock, DC Drano, somebody in the house. Like, this is like, I couldn't, my younger self couldn't have imagined a world this lame, honestly. Cheers.

Chair sitting inside. Jake Rockatansky. Yeah, stupid names. So yeah, we've talked a bit about her before. So Krauss made a name for herself in 2022 covering the Johnny Depp versus Amber Heard defamation trial. And when she covered the trial of Epstein, Madam Ghislaine Maxwell, she advocated for her release. Queen! Queen!

In fact, she posted a photo of herself on Instagram wearing a free Galane t-shirt. See, this is fucking solidarity, man. She was spinning the RFK Nuzzy thing and saying that like Nuzzy seduced him. Okay, cool. You couldn't help but like fall into her feminine wilds. I forgot about Nuzzy.

His wife. Free Jeffrey t-shirt is what we really need to be wearing, folks. I think it's time for the free Jeffrey t-shirts. Dude, free Nuzzy. Because people will walk by and be like, are you giving away something? What's a Nuzzy? Is it a kind of blanket that I can wear on the couch? You're going to give me a Nuzzy? You're going to give me a Nuzzy? Yeah, is that legal?

Krause, also by her own admission during an interview, doesn't really focus on fact-checking her claims. I don't really play by the same framework as a journalist. A traditional journalist is, you know, very cautious in how the story's framed and super detail-oriented and obsessively fact-checking, which I don't.

always focus on. And it's really very simple. It's really just about gossip. That's obsessively fact checking. It's an interesting way to describe it. There's a big difference, you know, by choice, of course, between journalists and I. So journalists do all this stuff. There's a level of competence there. And with me, I've chosen the other road of not doing any of those things and being completely incompetent. They're actually like accountable when they lie in some way. Mm hmm.

I'm just not super into fact-checking before I release information. I'm actually revealing a secret and hidden truth, but I will also reprint anything said to me over the phone by a spook. So I am actually very smart.

There was a press pool who happened to be outside of the White House when these influencers exited with their binders. And these journalists, they weren't there for the Epstein release documents. They're actually there to report on a meeting between Trump and British Prime Minister Keir Starmer. So when the influencers exited the White House, the photojournalists from the established media outlets snapped photos that showed the influencers holding the binders up and seeming to like even like laugh and smile.

Just genius political instincts here. Yeah. Some of the smartest people. You really see how they got to the top here. I would fucking love to be seeing this exact photo, but through like an 8X scope.

You know, I think that's Krause in the sort of like herringbone jacket here. And she's got a hat like 10 sizes too big. You can actually see the space in between where her head stops and where the hat begins. Yeah.

And it's like a Make America Great Again style hat, but it says Trump was right about everything. Wow. She really looks like Yosemite Sam. Like this, the size of this hat. Am I out of bounds here? I mean, this thing is massive. It's a big hat. You're correct. She is being lost in it. Look at her face underneath it. So big. It almost looks like it's like Photoshopped off. It does.

All right, I got to take a picture of this. I'll tweet it later. All right, please continue. Wow. Now, this is, you know, it seems kind of distasteful. Like, you know, you're supposedly. No, I love, I love that everyone's, fuck, they're all fucking, they're holding merch. They're coming out with the fucking, the declassification of the book.

fucking pedophile ring in the world. And they're also holding the merch that was given to them with it. Can we be serious for a moment? No, no, no. Everything is just deflatingly ludicrous. And they're all smiling. They're so fucking happy. Oh,

Yeah, I found out all about the pedophiles, bad stuff. Like nothing means anything. So this led to widespread criticism, including from QAnon followers. Even the QAnon people are more principled. Yes. So on the QAnon show, Eye of the Storm, the host decried it as a battle.

look. But of course, they ultimately tried to think of reasons why it might have been botched this way on purpose. And I think it was just kind of a bad look, you know, personally, you know, those files for many different reasons, you know, what's contained in those files have to do with, you know, kids getting raped and things like that. But also the other side of it is,

You know, we want as much transparency as possible. And these guys kind of seemed like they were like in between us and getting the information. So it was bad luck all the way around. Yeah, I basically agree with you, man. I'm going to, in the name of professionalism, shy away from shitting on anybody in the photo. But I think it was a horrible look. It was a horrible optic for them. And another take that I had had on it was perhaps that was the point.

piss people off, get people riled up enough to start screaming from the rooftops to just release this stuff and give it to the American people. I think that may have been an overarching point to this, but I also don't think Bondi got had. I don't think Trump got had. I don't think any of them had the wool pulled over their eyes. Hmm, then I wonder who's pulling the wool over whose eyes, you absolute dunce. Yeah.

You don't for a second consider that they're the ones pulling it and that you're the eyes, but you're still supporting them fully and saying, wait, this is really stupid and doesn't make any sense. And if like you actually consider that these people, you know, care about this and have any information that would be useful. Oh, so close.

One of the influencers in the photo was Liz Wheeler, and she later explained that she and her fellow conservative pundits only reacted that way, sort of like smiling and waving the binders, because they were trolling the media, she claims. Right, of course. And so when the media was so sour and bitter that we had gotten this binder, yes, we were kind of laughing at them. We were holding up the binders in defiance, saying, you know what?

Wow, man, it's so awesome. Which like they didn't even have anything. The real media already reported all of it before.

Yes. Oh, I saw your face when I opened my Christmas box and the Trapper Keeper came out. You were fucking jealous. She's so mad. She's like on a radio show being like, no, what we meant when you started making fun of us was actually, you know, we meant it as a good thing. It's unfair for you to report it the way that it looks because it meant another thing. Just incredible because they're being handed like less than a dog turd. They're being handed like what a child...

would fail to like if someone failed to get the very basic information that's interesting about epstein online they and printed it up and made a little binder out of it and gave it to these dunces like that's what actually happened here yeah like if you're one of them and you're not a fucking moron with like bad political instincts you would read through it first it's like is there anything actually new here it's like oh this just looks like the black book but like more redacted

All of these are just screenshots from like the MS-DOS version of Leisure Suit Larry. Yeah.

Also, I mean, this didn't make sense to me, like even as a troll, because the people that they were allegedly trolling, the press who was like taking pictures of them, they were like part of the White House press pool who are basically there every day. This was a special visit for these influencers, whereas these reporters being there was their job. The other thing is that the reason that they were happened to be outside is because they were covering the meeting between Trump and the British prime minister, which these influencers were not participating.

Now, they weren't relegated to the bushes. They were covering serious news. But, you know, the fact that these two events happened on the same day, I think, reveals something interesting about the Trump administration's media strategy. Because, like, when the White House is hosting, like, a serious meeting with a foreign leader, they still basically invite traditional news outlets to cover it.

And as much as they resent the mainstream media, perhaps they still believe that like big outlets like NBC News and Politico and NPR and Al Jazeera and BBC, etc. They're all useful for publicizing, you know, the big events like this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, okay, so we're having the real thing up front. Could you get all the absolute fucking morons out back and we'll just kind of throw candy out at them? Yeah, I know. We're just going to jingle our keys in front of them and they smile and wag their little tails. Yeah, when the White House wants to do like a fake disclosure drop of information that isn't really newsworthy but might help satisfy their base, they call on these right-wing social media influencers.

Literally, they sit them at the kids table and they give them little Happy Meal versions of what everyone else gets. Yeah, they give them bullshit and then they make the feeling, you fucking lying media. We get the binders, not you. We get the bullshit binders that are going to embarrass us. Okay, there's a photographer on the way out. Don't forget to smile.

When Jack Posobiec was asked about what happened in this incident by Steve Bannon, Posobiec claimed that he and other influencers were there to talk policy and meet with White House officials. But the Epstein folder was kind of sprung on them by surprise. Yes. Then they kind of like assumed it contained new information. Wow. It's almost like they jingled the keys and then you were a good duck. Yesterday, I...

What was the problem? Pam Bondi oversold this. You had every major influencer there. You had Cerno. You had yourself. You had D.C. Drano. You had Congressman Annapolino Luna. You got people all over this. It was a big disappointment. The fiasco yesterday was because of, in your best judgment, what happened?

Why did that happen? Well, I think what happened was that people were expecting there to be new stuff in these binders. Certainly we expected there to be new stuff in the binders as well. And we had been invited to the White House. But hang on. It was Caroline Levitt. It was Caroline Levitt and J.D. That was the the invite was to meet with them, do policy briefings, et cetera, et cetera. The name Epstein was never once even mentioned prior to.

prior to this. So then the binders come in and of course we've seen that she's been doing the media tour saying that this is going to come, it's on the desk, we're going to have it soon, puts this out, okay, here you guys go. So she came over and joined the meeting essentially. She joined up, yeah. Hey, I didn't expect it, but they took us into a room and they tattooed our foreheads with I'm a big fucking idiot. They never mentioned that they were going to do this. They had all the major influencers like Oopy Goopy and Q Master 69. You know, every big guy's there. Ha ha!

All the names, all the names. All the stars are here. God damn, man. Grim. Plus, like, I mean, if you need anything that, like, defines the right wing's actual interest in declassifying anything Epstein related, look, just look at Posobiec, like, doing a kind of loop where he's like, yeah, I mean, the folder that I handed myself that I printed, like, 30 minutes prior to continue covering this up for the federal government, um,

I expected more from it. Yeah, all these influencers are just like pure Trump sycophants with like no political instinct. We'll just take whatever they're handed. Like I will credit like someone like Fuentes, at least in terms of political instinct, that he's like trying to oppose or be seen as different from the Trump administration in some ways. So that like after things go to shit potentially...

He can still have his right wing grift. We're handing it to Nick Fuentes. I mean, listen, like he's smarter than these guys. I guess that's a low bar. Jesus Christ.

Really what made this day extra absurd was the fact that the Twitter account for the Republican House Judiciary Committee tweeted, breaking Epstein Files release, and then a link to tinyurl.com slash Epstein Files V2. But when people clicked on this link, they heard this. ♪

I am become meme. Oh, honestly, I think a lot of this is also just that like the Trump admin, especially the second one is just pro rape. It's like a pro rape. Like one of their big things is being for rape, like with the insane Andrew Taint stuff.

of rescuing them from sex trafficking charges in Romania. Bringing them back, that's so cool of Trump. These guys just do think rape is cool. They only speak of it negatively in a way to punish their enemies who they accuse of being basically what they are.

If the Biden administration had done this, somebody would have like showed up at the White House like with a bomb strapped to their. Yeah, I just like I can't really wrap my head around like teasing new information about, you know, elite sex trafficking and using that to Rick roll people.

You rickrolled people that they thought they were finding out who the most powerful fucking child rapists in the world are. Ha ha. On what planet did anybody think that this was a good idea? They think rape is funny. I mean, really, fundamentally, that's just how Republicans view the world, especially these mega people. There was nobody in that room that was like...

I don't know, like Rick Rowling about the Epstein stuff. After everything, we've kind of like run up. On the House Judiciary account. That's so funny. I mean, 4chan has taken over the government. Yeah. Now, why go through all this nonsense just to release nothing? So what happened to the information Pam Bondi said would be released?

least. White House officials who spoke to ABC News claimed that the blame for the debacle lie entirely with Pam Bondi. Ahead of the Justice Department's public release, Bondi directed her staff to compile binders of the materials to distribute to the influencers at the event, sources said. She also instructed her team not to inform White House officials of the plan, according to multiple sources, apparently thinking the surprise would be well-received inside the West Wing.

Because it's really dum-dums. A lot of dum-dums. Yeah, just also, I mean, I love that like people in the White House were like, oh, we need to go to the press and be very clear that we had nothing to do with this. This was a Bondi joint. It was all her. That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of classic Trump, right? Like if something backfires or looks bad, he's like, okay, everybody take the blame. Everybody get ready to fall on that sword. Pen.

Pam Bondi, however, was quick to blame others. Bondi sent a letter to FBI Director Kash Patel criticizing the agency for failing to turn over all of the files that they wanted. Oh my God. The QAnon FBI Director giving you even worse dog shit than is already out there in public.

In the letter, she claimed that she had been misled and called for an investigation. So here's what she wrote. I repeatedly questioned whether this was the full set of documents responsive to my request and was repeatedly assured by the FBI that we had received the full set of documents. Late Wednesday, I learned from a source that the FBI field office in New York was in possession of thousands of pages of documents related to the investigation and indictment of Epstein.

Despite my repeated requests, the FBI never disclosed the existence of these files. Wait, the fucking attorney general is getting her FOIA like, like the run is being given the runaround on her FOIAs? Like what? No, I want to be clear. There's, yeah, there's a, there's a 2020 lawsuit from the outlet Radar, which confirmed that there are about 10,000 unreleased Epstein related documents at this office.

Again, public information. You'll need to like be the attorney general to know this. But she's like, oh, I had no idea. I was like, oh, it's absurd. Bondi continues, I'm also directing you to conduct an immediate investigation into why the order to the FBI was not followed.

Whoa. Yeah. So 14 days after that letter is actually today, the day we're recording. And there are no reports, I checked this morning, that Kash Patel has delivered such a report to Pam Bondi. I would fucking pay for just a reality series that currently follows Kash Patel's attempts at like...

becoming the FBI director just to see what he's dealing with. His life must be very interesting. Kash Patel took to social media to insinuate that there were some lower level people in the FBI who were undermining attempts at disclosure. There will be no cover ups, no missing documents, no stone left unturned. And anyone from the prior or current bureau who undermines this will be swiftly pursued.

If there are gaps, we will find them. If records have been hidden, we will uncover them. I mean, I don't know. What do you think? Do you think he's going to do any of this? After the debacle, Pam Bondi appeared on Handy and claimed that she was tipped off by some unnamed whistleblower.

that the Southern District of New York field office was withholding documents, but she has since received a truckload of new documents. And you didn't find out less than 24 hours before the release, you got a whistleblower that confirmed that there were way more documents that they were supposed to turn over, and then you found out just before that. Well, sure, and you're looking...

I WAS LOOKING AT THESE DOCUMENTS GOING, THESE AREN'T ALL THE EPSTEIN FILES. THEY WERE FLIGHT LOGS, THEY WERE NAMES AND VICTIMS' NAMES. WE'RE GOING, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE STUFF?

And so a source said, whoa, all this evidence is sitting in the Southern District of New York. So based on that, I gave them the deadline, Friday at 8, a truckload of evidence arrived. It's now in the possession of the FBI. Cash is going to get me and himself, really, a detailed report as to why all these documents and evidence had been withheld. And, you know, we're going to go through it, go through it as fast as we can, but

go through it very cautiously to protect all the victims of Epstein. Yeah, because this is an institution that really cares about rape right now. I think it's very serious. Merely protecting the identities is so important. A truckload of new documents. I just imagine Kash Patel diving into documents like Uncle Scrooge. Scrooge McDuck.

Oh, man. I feel like you can't just say the deep state ate my homework over and over again. Every single time, you fuck up. I mean, we can give him one more time. I have to admit, I'm just like, come on, guys. Just get it done. Clean the swamp. Clean the swamp. Get the deep state. Please, just get us something.

I'm kind of, I still, I'm a rube for this. Like, I'm holding out hope. I'm like, come on, man. Yeah. If it's going to get done at any time, like, it's going to be, you know, it's going to get done under these idiots. Yeah, it's only too right. It's only too perfect. Yeah, that don't realize, like, that they're self-incriminating like themselves and like many other people in their party, perhaps. Like, the only way it's ever going to get done is like under this like completely incompetent administration. But like,

I don't know. Like, I don't count. I wouldn't count on it at the same breath. Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the main reason for this is just that, like, releasing a lot of that information would be a liability in some way. And, like, they are realizing that now that they have the clearance for it. Yeah. Like, they don't actually give a shit about the victims. Like, they want to appear like they care. But, like, sacrificing any sort of their own position or people who are allied to them is, like, not worth actually, like, even getting the PR boost for doing this.

More recently, Pam Bondi got criticism from Congress on News Nation. Representative Tim Burchett suggested that Pam Bondi should be fired over the stunt. Palm bandy. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that thing was botched. She should have never opened her dadgum mouth and said, I'm sitting here bragging. This thing's on my desk.

And all she had, allegedly, was some very limited records. I think the thing was botched. I think somebody's in over their head. Yeah, somebody's going to lose their job. Dadgum, they should. But I don't think it'll get as high as it needs to. What did he say, dadgum, they should? Why do they have Foghorn Leghorn on?

on News Nation. Yeah, this guy is like, he's got like a hunting jacket like with no arm hole. It's like draped over his shoulder. This man just like walked away from an explosion. His hair is still singed. I think he has brain damage, folks. How did

How did the Cuomos fall so low? You know what's funny, too? It's like, every time they show up, now that we've just been watching consistent news clips about Epstein, they're only showing pictures of him like he looks like he's in a J. Crute catalog or on a We Go V commercial. He's smiling. He's kind of button

up and this is like a real criminal like they don't have any scary looking like whenever they show pictures of like other you know public people in the news who have like you know been involved in big law enforcement cases you know they always show these grim scary pictures but Epstein it's always like smiling he's having a good time he's with just laying on the lawn yeah where's the profile shot where he's like rubbing his hands together and you can really see the outline of his nose come on oh my god I'll allow it

I'm just saying, please just represent bad people correctly. I mean, they could have like, right. It's still, they could have at least shown his mugshot, but they're still showing these, you know, these glamour shots of him outside. Looking good in another university sweatshirt. Yeah. Like we talked about in the previous episode, the chair of the newly formed Task Force on the Declassification of Federal Secrets is Representative Anna Paulina Luna. No. No.

The crazy, like the one that's been doing all the insane, like thirst trap, like ultra violent stuff. Yes. She is a fucking cartoon character. Well, speaking to Jesse Waters, Luna claimed that the Department of Justice has not been forthcoming. What's going on with the Epstein files? A couple of weeks ago, that was kind of weird. What are you hearing?

You know, I feel the same way that you do, Jesse, and I'm very frustrated, just like many Americans are. I think that those lists need to be released to the American people. And that's really up to the decision of Attorney General Pam Bondi. I can tell you that as a member of Congress, we have not really gotten much communication from the Department of Justice. But we are going to be continuing to put pressure because when the

American people elected President Trump. They demanded transparency. And frankly, it's disturbing that more people aren't in jail for the crimes that were committed. Wait, so she won? She's in Congress? She's the head of the committee on 9-11, aliens, Jeffrey Epstein.

like a couple other things. She's basically on like the head of the QAnon committee and she's got other bangers on there. She's got Lauren Boebert is on it. There's a couple other, a couple other great Congress people. That's awesome. I think it's interesting that like Congress, they aren't going along with the like, Oh, the deep state, New York thwarted me story. They're like, no, like this is Pam Bondi's whole deal. If anything goes wrong, it's her fault. And she's not being forthcoming to Congress.

This is an issue that even many passionate Trump supporters are frustrated with. Underneath every single tweet by Pam Bondi now, there is a string of tweets from right-wingers like this. Great work. When are you going to release the Epstein list of clients that participated in PEP

which I think is supposed to be pedophilia, and trafficking of innocent underage children. When will arrests be made and prosecutions happen? How about we focus on the Epstein files instead of photo ops? There are child pedos within our government. Where are the Epstein files, blondie? Sounds like a bit of a misogyny. Yeah. Yeah. You stupid blonde bae G. We cannot move past the Epstein debacle. Would love to be happy about this, but let's get the Epstein client names so we can move on.

Until then, we don't trust you. Yeah, everyone's going to move on once they get that list. That's what it would do to the world. Honestly, like that list, that actual list, if they actually just compiled a list of people who appeared on those tapes and like is at least like aware, if not involved in the actual, you know, trafficking. That list would probably be the single most radicalizing event in recent history.

Hmm.

I just want to say I understand and hear the American people's, you know, ask. And sometimes they mistakenly put it on me and that's fine. I'm part of the administration. But I will say that I personally have checked in. They are going through it. You have to be patient because when you are wanting to prosecute and actually do something with the information that you have,

You have to make sure that you save the integrity of the investigation so that we can bring these people to justice, so that we can hold grand juries, so that we can do certain things. You have to be careful. The value for the American people to know immediately would undercut. We have to do it. We have to expose it. We're going to be transparent 100 percent. But we also have to make sure we're not putting any children in danger, putting any minors that don't want and do not deserve justice.

to be publicly identified in danger and making sure that we put forth the information that would still assist us in getting these individuals to justice. This is extraordinary to me because like they botched like the simplest part, just releasing the information. And now they're saying, no, no, the information is still going to be released. And then on top of that, they're going to be like grand juries and then

indictments and like prosecutions and like it's going to be way more spectacular. I don't know. I feel like feel like they are like digging themselves into a deeper hole by making bigger and bigger promises. And I'm not very I'm not confident they're going to be able to fulfill those. It really does seem like Pam Bondi's first in the chopping block with this where like everyone else is like speaking up all the things they're going to do, knowing like, well, someone else is going to have to deal with the fact that we can't live up to this. Yeah, absolutely.

I think it's worth mentioning that this is not the only controversy related to disclosure that the Trump administration is facing. Because, you know, remember on January 23rd, Trump signed an executive order to release the JFK files within 45 days. And 45 days after January 23rd is March 9th. So the deadline has passed and we have not heard about how those JFK files are doing. So what's going on?

Tucker Carlson made a really startling allegation. He claimed that the release of the JFK files was being thwarted by Republican Senator Tom Cotton. In January, you know, there was a scramble over who's going to get what jobs in the new administration. And at one point, there was someone who was being discussed for a job in the intel world and it

a member of the SSCI, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, the Senate Intel Committee, went to the people making the decision and said, you cannot hire this person because this person will be certain to push for the release of the JFK files. So this is in, this is a fact, so this is in 2025, less than two months ago, and you have a sitting member of the United States Senate whose main goal is to keep the

those files secret. And then you have to ask yourself, why? Yeah, exactly. Why? So why don't you expose that person, first of all, so we can start chasing Tom Cotton of Arkansas did that. The jump scare of it being Cuomo on the other side. Man, he really is incredible. It is cool that like Tucker Carlson's team has tweaked the hell out of the compression to make him sound like he has like a growly voice instead of like a whiny little like kind of like school debate kid voice.

When Tom Cotton was asked about this on Fox News, he totally denied the allegations. It's false. Completely false. I have no problem releasing the JFK files. Tucker could have called or texted me. He has texted me multiple times in recent weeks and asked me and I would have told him that. I've never spoken to President Trump or any of his associates or administration officials about the JFK files. I've never objected to someone taking office because of their position on the JFK files. I have to say I have complete faith

Wow, that's a lot of very specific denials. I never obstructed the nomination of someone who had an opinion on the JFK files. It's like, wait, nobody was bringing that up, brother. What's going on? Hmm.

He's turning into a real proper like old Republican politician guy. You can just see you can just see what he's going to look like when he's like 87 and still in government. Cotton's one of the worst of the worst. So, I mean, what's stupid about all this?

is that like the president has the power to declassify any document he wants for any reason. Like he can pick up a declassified document and say, this document is declassified. This should be a layup. This should be super easy for them. Like you can't blame the deep state on this one. Like, like we know whatever documents exist, you know, I feel like if they just gave us like one name, one,

One name, a big shocking surprise about who was associated with Epstein and, you know, did something horrible on the island. One name. I feel like that would be satisfying to their base, but they can't even do that. Well, that's because you don't know that it would be JFK. Oh, that would be.

And he's alive. Have you considered them together? You're just not connecting the dots here. Yeah, it really does seem like a lot of these, like Bondi, et cetera, have found out the reasons why they can't possibly release those in terms of power. Yeah. And now just have to deal with the fact that, like,

They're the ones who are in charge of doing this, who have been delegated to do this. And Trump doesn't give a fuck. Like, especially if he can just blame other people. Like, oh, it was a deep state. Oh, you know, my stooges were too stupid and they didn't navigate and defeat the deep state sufficiently. Mm-hmm.

Over the years, like the Jake story that I've gotten most comments about, like me personally, is one about Stephen Hawking on Epstein Island. People have talked to me about that like last week. People think that is amazing. So I was very excited when Jake said that he was going to cook up a brand new Epstein story.

It's always fun. It's always fun to... Anytime we talk about Epstein, it's often so horrible and so dissatisfying and disappointing that I find that a little spoonful of sugar at the end really does help the medicine go down. And I think...

In terms of that Stephen Hawking story, that was really when I think when I realized that the stories could be very funny. You know, that was really, I wrote some really disgusting things in that. I don't know if I'll ever be that disgusting again. I don't know. Maybe. We'll see. But it feels like... We're rooting for you, brother. Yeah, that era of QAA is something like maybe we couldn't do anymore. Maybe not. Maybe that's all in my imagination. That's your imagination. We're just waiting for the real you, man. We're right here, baby.

always have been. But it's also like very funny because like this is a great example of like when a story that I write for the show is very much influenced by like just like what's going on with me personally like at the time what I'm watching what I'm listening to so. Yeah that's what we want. Yeah. It's just like it's actually about your brain. Yeah.

Nominally, it's about whatever it's about. I've got a couple parts for you and Liv later. If you guys want to play some senior advisors, there's going to be a couple roles later. Of course. It was a gray day in Washington, D.C. Clouds hung low over the nation's capital as tourists, police officer, and the occasional group of protesters milled around the outside of the White House.

Inside, a handful of advisors and suited-up politicians roamed the drab hallways, sometimes stopping to marvel at one of the countless pieces of historical art lining the walls. Things had changed in the last couple months. The hallways used to smell like mahogany coconut room spray from Bath & Body Works, but now they smelled like fish food. 47th United States President Donald Trump sat slumped behind the Resolute Desk, his vision beginning to gray around the periphery.

It wasn't nearly as much fun being president this time around. People were expecting results, but Trump's body had been slowly turning on him for years. He was now taking two Prilosecs a day for his persistent heartburn, and he could only eat sweets on the right side of his mouth, causing him to bite the inside of his cheek often. Interesting. Interesting. I'd love to see the inside of Jake's cheeks just to check if maybe they've been bitten to chum.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the door to the Oval Office open, and in came a couple guys carrying stacks of leather-bound executive orders. Trump sighed deeply. More papers? It felt like that was all he was, a rubber stamp for the overzealous, carted around and plopped in automobiles and stuffed into suits and hats, a pawn in someone else's game of 5D chess. Glancing down, he noticed a small black dot on the inside of his palm, a rogue spot of ink from one of the many Sharpies littering the desk.

Trump blinked, looking more closely at his hand.

The dot looked bigger than just a moment ago. Or did it? Trump grimaced and reeled backwards in his chair as the black ink began to envelop his fingers, crawling up his wrists and under his shirt cuffs. Slam! A giant stack of leather binders flopped onto a corner of the desk, startling Donald. Here you go, Mr. President. The advisors took a couple steps back and waited patiently for the president to sign all 17 orders. Trump glanced back down at his hands. A little dot of ink was still smeared into the meat of his palm.

He shook his head and reached for one of the folders. "Okay, what have we got here?" He flipped open the cover and began to read, "We are no longer allowing rubber bands in the lobster tanks." Very good. He began to sign his name.

He began to sign his name and looked up at the nervous advisors. Where are we at with the whole, uh, Epstein thing? Um, Epstein, sir? Trump closed the signed folder and tossed it on the opposite corner of the desk. Epstein! Epstein! Epstein! We were going to reveal it all. A lot of people are asking for it and I'd like to do it. The advisors glanced nervously at one another. Uh, sir, some of the other cabinet members did have a chance to peruse the documents and, uh,

They decided the president has more pressing matters to deal with. Trump scrunched his cheeks, freezing his face into a twisted sneer. Like what? He opened a binder at the top of the stack and began reading, giving all of the oil back to the ocean.

Okay.

"Okay! Okay, okay!" One of the advisors yelled. He stood up and shot an exasperated look to the other one before reaching under his shirt and producing a hefty stack of crumpled documents. He approached Trump's desk nervously and set them down for the president to examine.

Trump scanned through a couple of the docs. Why am I in all of these pictures? One of the advisors nervously elbowed the other one. You're not, sir. Well, not technically. What do you mean, not technically? Trump flipped through the pages. There were pictures of him on the plane, on the island, in Epstein's mansion, and on the submarine. Trump looked perplexed. I don't remember any of this. I think I would remember if I was having a lot of fun like this.

The other advisor took a couple steps forward, trying to explain. Well, you see, sir, after Epstein was arrested, many of those in your tax bracket were given the severed procedure. Trump was zoning out, looking at picture after picture of himself, surrounded by young women, laughing happily. It essentially splits your memory into two separate people, one who exists only on Epstein Island and the other who exists everywhere else.

Trump rested his chin on his fingers, thinking about this. The two advisors began to back out of the Oval Office. Why don't we leave you to look over the files? And of course, decide whether they should be released in full. The guy slunk out of the office, leaving a bewildered Trump to pore over the documents. It was very unfair, Trump thought, that this other version of him was getting to have all of the...

While Trump slaved away at the Resolute Desk, this other Trump didn't have a care in the world. He was going from mansion to tropical island to submarine and having lots and lots of sexual intercourse with women from all over the world. Trump wanted those memories and he wanted them now. "Get Elon on the phone!" he yelled to no one in particular. "You rang, Mr. President?"

Elon Musk unfolded himself out of a bookcase like the xenomorph at the end of the first Alien. Elon, they're telling me there's another Trump and he's going a lot of places and having quite a lot of fun in houses and planes and submarines. Trump went on to explain that these memories had been stolen from him.

Okay. I don't know why I think this is so funny. Yeah, he's done. He's cooked. Trump went on to explain that these memories had been stolen from him and that this was not very fair.

Elon told him not to worry. With all the macro data refinement that Grok 3 had been doing on X, Elon was fairly certain he could install a second chip into the president's brain. This one would be coded with the version of him that existed only on Epstein Island. With both chips running simultaneously, Trump could be a whole person again. That night, Trump snuck out of his bedroom in the residential wing and crept through the White House, down towards the basement where Elon had set up a makeshift lab.

There were dozens of monitors stacked haphazardly, and a large metal dentist chair bolted to the floor. It looked like an execution chamber. Elon had on a lab coat sloppily thrown over a t-shirt with the slogan, Hoof Hearted. I don't, I don't, what? What? Hoof Hearted, like hoof? Hoof Hearted. H-O-O-F-H-E-A-R-T-E-D. Yeah? No, please, please explain this to me. Hoof Hearted.

Oh, like half-hearted. Hoof-hearted. No, hoof-hearted. Hoof-hearted. Hoof-hearted? You're so dumb. You're so dumb. Oh, my lord. Oh, come on. Unbelievable. I just couldn't... My mind couldn't go low enough to see it. We're ready for you, Mr. President. This is like the version of Elon who's on ketamine all the time. Out of the shadows, a group of broccoli-headed boys...

A group of broccoli-headed boys descended on Trump. They gently grabbed his arms and legs and lifted him up off the ground, carrying him over to the chair. Elon produced a long, thin-looking drill. "Are you sure you want to do this, Mr. President? It's not a perfect science, you know." Trump nodded reassuringly. "Elon, I would rather become a vegetable for the rest of my life than miss out on so many incredible experiences." Elon took a deep breath. "Alright then.

Here we go. He quickly unscrewed Trump's hair and peeled back a wrinkled layer of skin, exposing the president's rotting brain. Elon then took aim and inserted a long, thick needle deep into the center of the pulsing mass. For a brief moment, Trump could feel blood flowing to his penis. What? Why? Why write this in? Depended whether to delete it. We're just checking in. We're just checking in with how his penis is feeling.

Just a tiny moment. There was one millisecond. But a second later, it was gone. That should do it, Elon remarked. He replaced the flap of skin and tightened Trump's hair. Well, what do you see? Trump clamped his hands around his temples and gritted his teeth as the memories flooded in like a tsunami. He blinked and was in a completely different place, a well-lit street in Antigua. The bars were just letting out. Epstein was shirtless under a giant...

Under a giant Michael Jordan starter jacket, picking a fight with a guitar player on the sidewalk. Now he was in a candlelit bedroom. Epstein and Bill Clinton were passing around a huge smoldering joint. Dude, my fucking cousin grows this shit like two miles away from here. He told me his dad smoked it and fucking died. All right. You can do it, man.

Dude, my fucking cousin grows this shit like two miles from here. He told me his dad smoked it and fucking died. The guys start laughing. The memories shifted. Trump was now in a bedroom he didn't recognize. He and Epstein were playing duck-duck goose around a circle of seated children. Oh, God! God! God!

Memories of depraved sex galloped into Trump's brain at the speed of light. The Kentucky Klondike bar, the Alabama Hot Pocket, the cold lunch. He was doing it all and loving it. Are those sex positions? Those are all made up sex positions that Jake has come up with. Good stuff. No, those are real. Those are real. I looked it up. I don't have any comment.

I looked it up. Hey, only the best research. What did you look up? A joke book of positions?

Hey, man. Hey, man. We got the internet over here. He tapped into like every frat boy's brain, like the Borg. Yes. The more Trump reintegrated with his severed self, the better he began to feel. This was who he really was, a demonic Lothario with a sexual appetite that would make even the most alpha male blush, not some buttoned up politician who shook hands and signed orders. I think it's working. Trump mumbled, a rope of drool beginning to dangle from the corner of his lip. Gah!

He clasps his head again as a new memory burrowed its way into his brain. He was on a bed with the fucking hottest woman of his life. Twice as hot as Melania. Three times as hot. And she loved Donald three times as much. There was nothing but unbridled passion in her eyes as the pair tongue-kissed beneath the shade of an island cabana. Donald had orgasm after orgasm, each more powerful than the last.

The pair collapsed onto the toweled beach chairs, lingering in one another's arms for a moment, an eternity. A shadow crossed in front of them. Donald looked up to see former President Bill Clinton standing at the edge of the cabana with a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. The woman stroked Trump's cheek flirtatiously. Well, that's my cue. The young woman sat up and gracefully glided to the door of the beach hut. Till next time, Madam President.

Trump looked confused. He slumped forward a little in his chair. Elon began making a couple worried keystrokes on a nearby terminal. Hmm, that doesn't make any sense. What's going on? Trump gulped, his head still reeling from reintegration. Elon squinted, scrolling rapidly through hundreds of lines of code. Hmm, hmm, it appears the chip used code from Grok...

not Grok 3, so it was able to source an authentic severed individual in Epstein's network, just not you. Trump looked up at Elon, his blood turning ice cold. "Then who?" he asked meatly. Trump was back in the cabana, the sun was beginning to set, the temperature dropped. Bill Clinton sat down on the edge of the beach chair and put his hand on Donald's thigh. "It was so hot watching you two together, I've fallen in love."

laughing laughing

I've fallen in love with you all over again. Bill's breath was hot. It smelled like fish food. His skin was hanging off his neck. This man was a corpse. A horny one. Trump's nose began to bleed. Take it out, Trump gargled. Elon stood up from the terminal. The brain is rejecting the chip. Very soon, the severed personality will begin to eclipse the primary. He shouted desperately at one of the...

He shouted desperately at one of the broccoli-headed boys, "Don't you get it? If you don't get that ship out of there, Hillary Clinton will become president of the United States, and everything we've paid for will be lost!" The boy sprung into action, grabbing an assorted set of medical instruments and began working on the back of the president's skull. Within seconds, Trump had slumped over and stopped breathing, as none of the boys had any medical training whatsoever.

Trump opened his eyes. He was back on that beach. The turquoise waves crashed against the pristine white sand. In the distance, a striking blue and white temple reflecting rays of the golden sun. Hey, honey. Trump looked up to see Bill Clinton buttoning up his expensive linen shirt. Me and Jeff are gonna go take Stephen Hawking on a submarine. He's gonna be madder than a sweet potato dropped on it. I can't fucking do it. Madder than a sweet potato dropped on its side. He's gonna be madder.

He's gonna be madder. Can't even do the Bill Clinton impression anymore. Me and Jeff are gonna go take Stephen Hawking on the submarine. He's gonna be madder than a sweet potato dropped on its side. You wanna come? Surely he was in hell, Trump decided. Bill leaned in and kissed him deeply. And then, afterwards, you and I are gonna warm up like a slice of pecan pie. How's that sound?

He took off towards the dock, calling out, last one on the submarines, rotten egg. Maybe it wasn't hell, Trump thought. He was at ease. There were no more orders to sign, no more political pressure. Even his headache was totally gone. On the beach were a handful of other politicians and celebrities soaking up the final rays of sun. Many of them were his friends. Maybe there was a life here worth living. And at the very least, there were a lot of perks.

The end. Beautiful. Beautiful twist. Didn't know where you were going with it, but he stuck the landing. Another masterpiece. You know, I don't know where it comes from. You know, at about 12.07 a.m. every night, somebody else takes over and these stories get written. I like the idea of like the Dune, Aaliyah, Abomination, Trump, where Hillary is like taking over, but then it's the exact same administration. Yeah.

I think maybe, who knows, maybe there will be a part two to this. Maybe they'll be able to get the, maybe they'll be able to get Trump Prime's personality back. We'll see. Season two. Apple, give me a call. Severed season two is not that good, so be careful. That's all I'm saying. A very hot take at the end of an otherwise great podcast. I thought it was good. I've been like,

I don't want to see that guy's face anymore. I've been liking season two. You just don't like Adam Scott. No, I don't like him. I do. I like him. Except if he wants to, like, I don't know, come on the podcast and stuff. But otherwise, he's a piece of shit. Adam, don't listen to Julia. Yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe, Adam, if you want to star in, like, we could do more severed parodies, mixing Epstein, talk about sex between Bill and Hillary Clinton, two very old people. Interested in that? We can absolutely sit down and have a chat.

So that's where we're at with the woes of the D-Class of Jeffrey Epstein. Still talking about this after many, many years. Yes, and again, like after many, many years, nothing has ever happened. Nothing ever will, folks. I would love it if something happened. Please, Kash Patel, I am the only one here who believes in you.

Thank you for listening to another episode of the QAA podcast. You can go to patreon.com slash QAA and subscribe for $5 a month to get a whole second episode every single week and access to our entire archive of premium episodes. Liv, where can people find more of your work? I have a newsletter, liveagar.com, and I stream on Twitch sometimes, twitch.tv slash liveagar. Go check it out, folks. For everything else, we've got a website. That's qaapodcast.com.

Listener, until next week, may the salted ham and potatoes bless you and keep you. Thank you, Bill. We have auto-keyed content based on your preferences. What the hell's going on with this list, man? Epstein. What's going on? You know I had it. I'm glad you did. He's probably the only guy I'm going to ask. Well, and I think. What's going on?

I was on with Geraldo last night and he says he doesn't think it exists. I don't think it exists anymore. I think they've doctored it and I don't think we shouldn't trust what comes out. I just think it's, they've delayed it and there was no, and she was way over her skis when she said that it's, you know, it's sitting on my desk. Now why the heck would she say that? Why would she say that? I mean, she's big dogging it and it blew up in her face. That was a stupid move.

So apparently a big dump truck full of evidence came into the DOJ after some key firings in the FBI. Do you believe that? I'll believe it when I see it. Okay. It's just like the Kennedy files and the UFO files and...

RFK and JFK, it's just been too long. And all of a sudden, you know, we're going to look at President Trump starts raising cane about John F. Kennedy. And all of a sudden they find 14,000 new files just out of the blue. I mean, it's like, what is this Raiders of the Lost Ark, you know,

warehouse that they got this stuff in. I don't know. It's ridiculous. It's a cover up. It is the sewer is groaning right now because of Donald J. Trump. I just pray he stays healthy.