Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 52 | Feywild D&D Campaign | Garden of Beatin'
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Morning Frost and you're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight. Here's what happened last time.

Torbjorn doesn't see how we can possibly save those kids and steal a painting or three. You watch as Griggo's size doubles. I'm 6'4 and I'm known for using diamonds! As you are reduced in size by half. Is this what it always looks like for Griggo? Yeah, how does it feel? Oh.

Uh, hello? Excuse me, I'm down here. Pay attention to me. Well, if you have

I'm more than happy to take you. I'm pincushion, by the way. But the only way you'll get into Grammy Nightshade is through me. Oh, Mr. Grammy, I'm so glad you're finished. I wanted to tell you that our new friend said there's a unicorn here. I'm sorry, there's a what? That the horn was stolen from the unicorn. Uh-huh, yep. Then that got stolen from Bavlona. Yep. And now the unicorn is simply just a, well...

She uses it as a mount now. It's a rocking horse upstairs in her bedroom to make sure her sisters could never find it because it's very, very powerful. She created a memory ruse and now people think that it's hidden in Yon. You're telling me the unicorn that's in Yon is actually fucking upstairs? Oh yes, it's a wooden rocking horse now. But you can't animate it unless you have the unicorn's horn. And who knows where that could have gone. Oh!

And what happens if it's reunited with the Tauren and it gets animated? It becomes the unicorn again! There is only one way, one way to get up into that room, and that is with the most private of meetings with Bavlorna. If someone had captured Will of the Feywild. Which is funny because she doesn't even understand what's going on there. She doesn't even realize that Will of the Feywild is an owner. You have been traveling through the Feywild for what feels like forever. At this point.

You have been through the carnival and hither, you're now into thither, and it feels as if at every turn there's more and more information thrown at you, things to do, people to meet, problems to solve, and somehow this wacky group has found themselves the heroes and saviors of it all.

And it is here in Thither that you find yourselves with still so much to do.

You've traveled through this place, you've met with a band of ragtag kids, and you have now ventured into the Heart of Loom Lurch, a large fallen oak tree that is the lair and the home of Granny Nightshade, with the intent to save all of the children here and return them to safety under Little Oak, the walking treant that houses the

the large treehouse fort and home of Will of the Feywild and his band of merry kids. That was at least your plan upon coming to Loom Lurch. But as you stand here now in front of an old rickety wooden bathroom, looking down at this small form of a pincushioned doll,

The words. Will of the Feywild was an oni, having just recently escaped her lips. Your world is thrown on its axis. You think about the words she had spoken previously. That Eledin, the unicorn that you were on a mission to rescue, the horn that you have carried in your pack, your plan to go to Yon and return it to the unicorn that was trapped on an island similar to the one you met his wife.

completely trapped by lightning rods. But now realizing that that is not the truth. He resides upstairs, locked away in Granny Nightshade's room, transformed into a rocking horse. And as these truths hit your mind, you realize that in this place, you never really know what is true and what is lies.

You don't know what reality truly is in a place like this. And you have many paths that you need to walk before you finish your journey in the Feywild here. Many loose ends that you need to tie up, many missions, all within a 13-day timeline. And as you think about where you're standing and the way time is passing, you don't even...

realize or remember how many days left you have. And it is in this moment that you find yourselves staring down at pincushion, realizing that you don't know which way is up. - What? - Frost returns and says, "Why couldn't it have been an elbow?"

What? I'm confused. Instead of his own knee. Oh. Yeah.

That's acceptable quality. I mean, it's very frost. I liked the candy one much better. I do pop back into existence. You do, your candy has worn off that you had eaten, and you find yourself popping back into existence in front of your friends. Apologies, I return now. I was trapped by the inner circle of doubt. It's a psionic thing, you wouldn't understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's an Oni? That raises so many questions. Oh, not quite sure completely, but I know that they are large. Well, and Will, when he was an Oni, was blue, had a big, dark beard and mustache.

He had horns coming out of the top of his head. His teeth were long and razor sharp. I'm just catching up. You mean Will, the child who was once this monstrous blue beast that you're describing? Well, yes. He was Granny Nightshade's right-hand man, actually. She would pay him in gold and jewels and other things which he loved in bad children, and he would go out and help to collect them and find them, and the bad ones would get eaten.

Oh, by the way, this is our mate Frosty. Oh, that's fine. I saw you wandering around in the ethereal plane. Yes, I understand your name is Pincushion. Yes, because of this. And she pulls a pin out and she sticks it in. I'm kidding, it doesn't hurt at all. Very good.

It's lovely to meet you. She curtsies. So hold on, I don't understand. Are you saying that Will is genuine in his mission or he isn't? Oh, I don't really have a way to know. Granny Nightshade doesn't even realize that Will is...

Her only companion. For you see, what happened was Pavlona came for an afternoon tea one morning, and they got in a row, as it were, quite often as they do, and as Pavlona was stomping out, she happened to cross paths with Will, and she cursed him and turned him into a little boy. And he nearly escaped, but...

Granny Nightshade doesn't even realize that Will is one and the same. Do you know if... I have two questions. Do you know if Will is aware of this transformation or if he remembers his past life? Oh, I have no idea. I do not have an opportunity to talk to him. He was whisked away by Bavlorna, and from there he found his band of...

Ragamuffin children and they've been on a mission to steal more kids. And what was Will's name prior to being transformed? I couldn't even begin to pronounce it. Oh. Are you saying that Onis eat children? Not just children. Anyone. They'll eat other Onis if they have the opportunity. It really depends on what kind of a creature you are. Some creatures eat eggs, for example. Those are a form of children.

What the fuck's wrong with you? That was a pretty terrible thing to say. I mean, who fucking says that? I'm gonna go back to the inner circle. Frost says, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, they should call them oh noes. What?

See, that was better. I'll give you a round of applause for that. You've regained yourself quite nicely, Graney. I mean, me. I mean, me. That's our last one, I promise. No, it's not. No, it's not. And Graney Nightshade, she is aware that her right-hand man has been gone for however long Will has been around. Yes, she thinks that she must have upset him or not provided him enough

"gold or enough children to eat, and that he left in a huff. "And she is quite sore about it. "I do imagine if he were to return and offer a proper apology, "that she would be amenable to their former arrangement. "But she's, it frustrates her quite a lot."

You know I never locked that Will kid. There was always something off about him. I only know because I can see what's true. Torbek's brain is starting to hurt, but if Torbek has this right, there's really no conflict about just turning in Will of the Wild.

He hates kids! Well, not necessarily, unless he remembers his past. That's exactly right. I mean, if he doesn't know, if he's sort of like turned over a new leaf, as Will on his mission is genuine, then maybe we just let him be a kid. Screw that guy! Torak's ready to turn in! He has eaten children at least a few times in his life. And he's gathering

those kids and here's the thing man I mean if the only reason he turned over this new leaf was because he was blasted by a witch I mean what's to say she didn't show up and just for laughs and she walks him back suddenly he's an oh no again and then those kids are saying oh

Why are you putting frosty on Santa? I said frosty. I was looking at you, and I said that. You guys seem upset with me for some reason. Is it because I didn't go to the market with you? You're the enemy.

the entire time. Well, I was in and out. In the realm of doubt. Exactly right. Well, I don't know if we should do this anymore. So if he gets turned back and then all those kids get gobbled up in the treehouse, I guess that would be pretty bad. What we need to do is continue saving the kids and then the next time we see Will, Gideon should punch his head off! Wait a minute!

But he eats children, does he eat owlbears too? Really? He'll eat anything. Ah, didn't we leave Hootsie? Oh well, I guess Will also left the tree, right? We're going to have to learn if Will still eats children, if he's aware of his child leaving past, and then I'll add this task to our list, just one moment. Torbjorn doesn't think it matters! Why not?

He still did those horrible things! It doesn't matter what version of him he is! Should we turn you in for the crimes committed by your other? You should! Well, that's not gonna be easy. That's not gonna be easy. There's no one to turn him in to. He killed everybody. If there was, everyone that we've seen the other kill deserved it.

As long as I-- not that we are legally allowed to decide-- I think that's debatable. I mean, if we're talking about morality here, I mean, you know, what's to say that we couldn't have just knocked William Agdon-- was that his name? Agdon Longscar. Oh, you've met Agdon Longscar? We have met him, yes. We shouldn't bring him up! I've only heard tale of him because when

he doesn't come to thither, at least not often. No, he won't anymore. No, of course. Because he leads the band of brigands in hither, and they are notorious thieves. Yes, yes. We met them in the...

Well, but my point is, just because you steal stuff doesn't mean you should be, you know, mutilated and torn to pieces until you're dead. And this is exactly why Torbeck should be locked up! Well, I don't think Torbeck should be locked up, but the man inside of you should.

And what if Willa the Seawild... Can you tell him to stop looking at me? Oh, fuck. What? I don't like it. She can see the things that are true. Perhaps this creature, she sees double. Is that how it looks and feels to you? As perhaps a shadow behind him or within?

It's hard to explain. I'm looking at you, but I can see him inside of you. And you'll look to him, and he'll look to me. He doesn't like that I can see him. What's he looking at? Well, he looks like you, but if you are a man, well, more like a man. Like? Not furry? No. Beautiful hair, though.

*Torbek growls* *Torbek laughs* Torbek, this is really scary. *Torbek growls* *Torbek laughs* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *Torbek growls* *

I'm not sure, but the mushroom peddlers might know. Oh, that would be amazing. You're the only person that said anything of any value to Torbek basically ever about this. The mushroom peddlers? Yes. Wait, who are the mushroom peddlers? They're outside in the garden. What do they do? Peddle mushrooms, of course, but if you're dealing with misconception, dishonesty,

Unclarity, a lack of truth, then you must seek out the mushroom peddlers. They can provide you mushrooms of different variety. Though it is a painful process, but in the end, depending on how you handle the mushroom that's chosen for you, you'll be gifted-- oracles, really-- visions. And these mushroom peddlers are just outside, you're saying? Yes. And they might be able to help Torbjorn?

"I think it'd help all of you." How far is it? "Wow!" "We have to go!" Wait, and then, and Luna Merch is just cool with them peddling mushrooms right out in the open? "Fair. If it weren't for the mushroom peddlers, then Granny Nightshade wouldn't be able to make the mushrooms that she uses for all of her alcohols."

Wow! My Uncle Globo peddled mushrooms and he went away for 15 years!

That's amazing! What kind of volume was he moving with? That's a lot of mushrooms! He went away to where? Doing a lot of taps. Oh, that can happen if you're not careful. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're saying that Torbjorn hates the mushrooms, Torbjorn might learn more, or Torbjorn might die. Yes. As with any bit of divination, I'm not quite sure.

So, then all we got to do is meet with the unicorn, have the unicorn solve all of our problems, and then we go talk to the oracle.

In the mushroom. Well, you're going to have a very difficult time getting to the rocking horse upstairs because the only way in there is with Bavlona and she's not here. Well, when's she getting back? She's getting back later tonight, right? Yes.

Oh, we got some time to kill, is what you're saying? Oh yeah, she won't be back for at least six to seven hours. I would love to go and see an Oracle. I have many questions about Java and enterprise software solutions. I think that we could-- I'm sorry, what? What the fuck are you talking about? Man, that realm of death really fraud your brain, Frosty. We're calling it Hot Jones around here. Yeah, I was gonna say. My apologies.

I mean, I'd watch Torbjörn do a bunch of mushrooms, not get a clear answer and then maybe die. Did you say Java? It wasn't, did someone say Bavlona? It's-- Yes, no. It's terrifying. Yes, I know. That's what I said. Yeah. I'm never wrong. We had the opportunity to kill

- Nevermind. - I like you, Pincushion. You're never wrong. - Thank you. Did you say Jova? - Yes, I did. - Would you like a Hot Jones? And she pulls out a small teapot and some Hot Jones. - What, you want a Hot Jones? - Well, I want some Hot Jones. - All right, and she hands you each a little tiny doll-sized-- - Oh, Hot Jo-- Gosh, I've been in a hell of Hot Jones for so long. Since the night after Torbjorn tried to kill us terribly. And almost killed Frosty. - It was difficult finding so many

I imagine that it was. You really roasted this. Perfect. I can't.

I'm sorry, Jorvik, what were you saying? You look stressed. Dormish!

Just doesn't know if Torbjörn's in the mood for hot jones. He brings back so many painful memories. You don't have to drink the hot jones. Are you going to drink that? Help me! No, let him have his own hot jones. I was going to ask Griggo if he wanted it. I do, I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can use the pick-me-up. Oh, nope, so close. Hold on. I'm gonna go find the candy that makes me a tall Chad again. Fuck you guys. You never know when your next hot Jones will be.

Help me! Help me! That's getting darker and darker. You've eaten the coral fish. That's true. What's the difference? They're fish. Well, Farn, you know what? Torbjörn, I'm glad you were able to enjoy some hot jones. All of us now have some pick-me-up. I could have used a little bit more simmonin, but

We are ready to go visit the mushroom peddlers. Wait, hold on, if we do that, are we going to lose our place in line, or are you going to put us in pencil and pen on blood to make sure that we're the first ones that meet with Bav-- not Bavlona. Granny Nightshade. There we go. You can call her Granny Nightshade if you'd like. So we good? We're going to lock that appointment in?

First, though, there is one other person in line ahead of you. What the fuck? We're so poor with all these shenanigans. I'm not quite sure where she's gone. Who is in front of us, if you don't mind my asking? Well, this old lady was here. Something about a dead husband. Oh, there's no way she made it. You think she does? Well, I don't know.

Well, here's who. I was going along his line, you know what I mean? We've been there so much. Somebody's ahead of us. And Dormek really didn't want it to come to this, but we're going to have to take care of her. Take care of her.

In what way? We will nurse her to health and make sure that she's cared for in every way. Oh, that's very sweet. She's an old lady. We would make sure that no harm comes to her. Thank you, Frosty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's exactly right, Frosty. Well, we can wait. Do you need, do I give you my Rocky Talkie runes and then you just shoot us a little note when our appointment is ready? Perhaps you have a stone that you hand us that blinks and vibrates.

I was going to come with you. Traversing the gardens is incredibly dangerous. I haven't even done it myself before. We might have to look for a guide to lead us through. And once we get there, it's... Well, I'll just say prepare yourselves. You won't quite...

Keep it all together. Oh, no. We were ready for almost anything. Yeah. We were once murdered terribly by a dragon. Oh, all right. Well, far worse has happened in the garden, so we should be on our way. Before we go, are we cool? You and I? You're not going to lie to me anymore, are you? No, no, I just figured, I just, I don't know, I felt sort of uncomfortable since that all happened. I just want to make sure that, like, we're good, you know what I mean? Would you like a hug?

You know what? That'd be very nice. Oh, that's so nice! Take the pins out before you hug. No, no, no, they're inside of you. You can't feel them. Oh, we're good, we're good. Isn't she like this big? Yeah, she's little, but you give her a little hug. Oh, you smell lovely. Well, thank you. You smell like fresh winter fire. Oh, the Ogway, 52. Soot. Embers. Coal.

Let's go. Oh, yeah, let's go. Oh, gosh, I'm so glad we're going to... And is it kind of more of like, oh, yeah, it'll be season seven hours, but that's just like, so we hopefully go away and it's actually ready in like 20 minutes? No, she could very well... She very well might not even come home tonight. That's fine. If she doesn't, we do have rooms for you to stay in. Oh, okay.

Are they themed rooms or are they just rooms? There's a room themed like the Wizard of Oz. Who? The what? What? I didn't say anything. Is there a wizard named Oz? Oh, I don't know. They'd be very cool if there was. What a strange name for a wizard. Well, he's just a fucking guy from Oz. Hmm. Where's Oz? Perhaps it's short for Ozymandias. It's a good name.

I'm pretty sure that the Wizard of Oz is public domain, so he actually could be in this. That means the fucking tabber walk is. Perhaps we will journey to him, and a large amount of asbestos will rain down from above upon us. Oh my god. That's funny. Lead the way. To the garden. To the garden.

- To the garden. And with that, you watch as Pincushion makes her way, not back through the door that you would come in or out the other way, but you watch as she opens a cabinet and you see that there is a small door about child size that she easily walks through. You imagine you'll all be able to get through it. Torbek's gonna have the hardest time, but if he hunches himself over enough and squishes into himself, he can easily make it through.

And she leads you through what clearly appear to be more like servants' corridors, where the children move through this place to get from room to room to room. They're a bit winding, a bit narrow.

you feel a little claustrophobic as you're traveling through them. And all of them seem to be hewn from the wood of this fallen oak. Looking at it, you run your hands along the side and you can see that this oak is so old that parts of it have already begun to petrify. The colors that marble there are beautiful and almost opalescent in places where the sap itself has begun to petrify.

And you make your way through this place, you see small carvings into parts of the wood that are still hardy and haven't begun to petrify. Carvings from these kids, different names, tally marks, how long they've been here, drawings and stories that have been added to year after year after year.

As you make your way through this, you see that there are no windows, there are no additional doors. And you eventually get to the very end and it looks like there is nowhere else for you to go as Pincushion pulls the pin from the stitched on heart on her chest and she begins to run it along the wall in a strange flourish. And you see that where there was nothing, a small door appears.

She sticks the pin back into the heart patch on her chest and she goes to open the door and as she opens it, a broom closet appears and a broom falls out. Oh gosh, I've done it again. She pushes the broom back into it, shuts the door, takes the door handle off, puts it on the other side, opens the door and you see that it leads out into an overgrown garden. It looks like a...

If this is a garden, it is untended. It is wild and untamed, vines growing everywhere, mushrooms taller than some of the trees that you had walked through. You see plants of all kinds. You see beautiful bushes that have, instead of flowers growing in them, crystals.

and gems. You see that some of these begin to move, almost as if they're sentient in some way. The grass itself looks springy and moss-covered. There are colors of every kind, colors that

don't match any color that you've ever seen before and they're all vibrant and beautiful and it's a huge shock to you at first. Especially because you, the time of day that you got here, you imagine what time it would be. You imagine it was early morning. It would be about midday now, but the cover of trees was so thick that barely any light got in and it was fairly dark.

but it looks like this entire area is bathed in sunlight, and you realize there is a gigantic sunflower that is well above all of the tree lines of mushrooms that is beaming down this beautiful sunlight, invigorating the plant life here. The animals that are here sing happily. It's a dark, deep contrast.

to any of the other places that you've experienced that have touched the areas of these hags. This is truly beautiful. This is truly what you would imagine the Feywild would look like. And there's a part of you that wonders if these hags hadn't taken over these realms of the Feywild, if this is what you would see. If this is just a small glimpse of where you really are. Oh, wow. Damn. Well, it looks beautiful, but it is dangerous.

So they're-- are they just in here, or do we got to get through here to get to these-- Further in, hidden deep within, is

Granny Nightshade's garden. It's where she grows specific types of mushrooms, five to be exact, that are her most prized possession, as well as a veritable array of other mushrooms that she uses for her wines and her ales and her whiskeys and all other sorts of alcoholic beverages. Some

some even in baked goods and things, but it's these five that the mushroom peddlers guard over, and it is through them that she's even able to grow them tall. They are the ones that you seek. They are the ones with the properties, though they're not like the witchlight mushrooms. They're powerful in a similar way, coveted.

by those in power for what they can do, the answers they can give you, the futures you can glimpse through them. - Can we have some? - Well, that's what we're going to find out. If you can convince the mushroom peddlers to give over some of the mushrooms to you, you should be able to imbibe them and have your questions answered and just truly glimpse the truth that's been shrouded from you. - Well, how do we convince them? Like, what do they want?

I mean, we can be fine if you don't... if it's just scary for you or whatever. Oh.

It's dangerous. "Oh, mushrooms. Uncle Globo only peddled one." I thought you said he peddled-- "Oh, one top. He peddled a lot of them." Oh, I see. A lot of deaths. A lot of deaths. Went for volume. Yeah, the whole neighborhood just like, "Hey, do you know--" It's quantity over quality. "What these mushroom peddlers desire? "What they might be interested in trading for?"

"I only know of them. "They're written about in books." Do you know what they look like? "Well, in the book, they were described as being "quite elf-like, but with mushroom caps on their heads. "Not, not kempestries, which if you've met a kempestry, they-- "You have?" We have! "Oh, well then you know. "Not like a kempestry, but they

humanoid bodies. But they are well and truly fungal creatures and they can connect to a communication network with mushrooms all across the Feywild. Oh. I wonder if they'll know we're coming. That could come in handy. Well, I guess if you come with us, then let's go. All right. You ready?

As ready as we can be. Then let us step into the gardens. And she slowly walks down the little wooden stairs and you see that she, her feet, even at her small size, still sink down into the mossy ground, that it is very soft and spongy as she begins to walk forward and she waves to all of you to make your way out.

You all follow? Yeah. I need you all to roll. I can't even remember what it is. I need you to roll a d6 for me, please. Oh! D6. Re-rolling duplicates. Two. I got a two, I got a two. Five. One. Damn. Right as I got a one. Six. Three. Has anyone gotten three? No. Okay. Three. Who got a one? Me.

You step out onto the spongy earth and you look around you. You see that there are these beautiful blue flowers next to you that their color shifts from blue to purple to gold as you look at them. And out of the inside, where you would normally see the stamen, you see that there are just

billows of bubbles just shooting out of it, floating into the air and shimmering with a beautiful rainbow essence. You reach out and you pop one and you breathe in. This scent is floral and earthy and beautiful and you are overcome with giggles. You are--

jubilant and happy. Well, this place ain't half bad. Look at all these bubbles. You seem mirthful. Anyone too? Mirth. Somebody got it. You got it too. I got it too. You feel confusion overwhelm you.

As you step out into the spongy earth, you are much lower to the ground than everyone else, and you all step down together, and puffs of dirt are wafted up into the air, and you feel confused and muddled. Things that you thought you remembered, you can't remember certain details. You occasionally

you occasionally forget who you are, but then quickly regain your senses. It's a little dark. Anyone with three? 55. I believe three we can leave. Three, yep. This is perfect.

You look out, you step down, and you step past Gricko, not even paying attention to him as he undergoes this confusion, and Gideon giggles towards you as he walks over. He's like, you gotta do this. You look confused. Yeah, look at him. Look at this stupid guy. He's like, what? What? What's his whole name? You're doing it all. Just be aware, this is a condition for the entirety that you are...

Wander around this place. So do not go too hard to start. - I might get a good one. - You sidle up next to Gideon as he's chuckling about the look of confusion on Graco's face as another bubble floats up in front of your face, Crummy. Gideon pops it and as you inhale that same scent, you are not overcome with the happiness, the joyousness and the fit of giggles that Gideon is.

You feel paranoia. Oh god. As you look around at everything, it's all so strange and unusual. There are hints of things that you know that looks like a sunflower, but the radiant rays of the sun, that is not how it should be. Oh god. And it makes you nervous. Okay, all right. Anyone with a four? That's the only one we didn't get. Okay, five.

Torbek, you step down and immediately you see a small, you see a very small, what at first looks like a duckling skitter by your feet, but as you look down, you realize it's not a yellow duckling. It's a tiny, tiny little lion with wings. And it skitters past you, it looks up at you, it mews at you.

It flaps its little wings. It lashes its little tail at you. It flies up into the air and spins around, and you are overcome with euphoria and wonder as you look at everything here as if it is the most beautiful thing that you've ever seen. Wow. That's a cool elephant. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

There's no elephant. There's no elephant at all. It attempts, it lands on your hand and attempts to roar. And it's like, roar. It's the cutest little roar you've ever heard. Wow, that's cool. Roar.

You, Frost, you step down into the spongy earth and you watch this. You watch as Torbek lifts the lion, this tiny little winged lion, and watches as it flies away and you think to yourself, that could have been useful. And you feel angry. You are overcome with pure anger.

Hatred and rage. Did you watch Torbeck let this thing go? Frost, did you see that? Son of a bitch. You let that lion go. Because it was beautiful. This is a Feywild and you let that fucking lion go? You put a truth on. It was beautiful. It was beautiful.

All right. Oh, it's that baby! It's that baby!

I want to fucking look at you right now. Oh man, I love when Frosty curses. Hey, hey, hey, Pincushion, you sure this place is safe to walk through? No, it's not at all. That's what I said before we stepped out the door.

the door. I'm a little worried about Gricko. Let me look at him. He does look a little confused. He's drooling on himself quite a lot. No, it's just Gricko. The lights are on, but nobody's home. What if it's like prion disease? Or like prion disease, however you say it. Have you heard about that? No, it isn't. Oh, God, it's fucking horrible. It's like the cells in your brain start folding and unfolding and you basically turn into this guy. You turn into Gricko. It's alright!

We all just have our own beautiful, unique way of viewing the world. We can try to feed him some water and see if he rejects it, and then we'll know for sure if he has any, uh... My water skin is fucking empty. Is anybody in it? Goddamn water. Look out, Joe Beck, the elephant's getting away. Come!

Chase it with me. Let us fry.

What if it's contagious? Remember, you have to do this for a long time. Torbjorn is being a bull. We're frolicking. We're just like chasing the little lion that flutters around. Oh my god. Roll a perception check at disadvantage because you're distracted as you frolic. Holy shit. Eight. The two of you...

The two of you begin to chase this little lion as it flies about. It seems to notice and it gets excited and it starts chasing you under and through all of these strange plants and eventually it makes its way back towards the group and then it skirts along the edges of Loom Lurch against the bark of this fallen oak and you see along it that there are

tons of windows that dot this place. They're all flickering with a beautiful lamplight. And the lion at one point flies up towards one of the windows and seems to be very interested in almost like a moth to a flame as it stares at the light and lolls its head back and forth as it dances in sync with this flickering flame. And the both of you are so entranced by it that you run straight up to it, not noticing this giant compost heap

that is immediately outside of what is apparently the kitchen window, where all of the refuse from the cooking is thrown. And as you slam into it, you immediately hear, whoo!

as this compost heap begins to shamble and move. What had been this giant mound of refuse is now what appears to be a shambling man filled with bits and pieces of--

months, years worth of cooking. It towers even over you, Torbek. As it spins around, it hits the little lion and flies off into somewhere else. You can't, into the brush. And it lurches over all of you as it looks around. Pincushion squeals and runs behind your leg, Gremmy. You can feel her holding onto the back of your pants as she's shaking and shivering as she looks up at this thing. What do you do? Mwah!

Whoa. Even the trash is alive and beautiful. I think it looks just like me first girlfriend. Disney! The reunion in the first world. That's so sweet. We're back.

Greggo, you idiot. Oh, dude. Bane Cushion told you very clearly that you would not run around and run into things and you'd run into some sort of nightmare compost creature that'll kill us all. I'm not even more curious. Leave it to the goblins to find the trash. He starts to shamble over. You see his arms are incredibly long. This is not all that different from Torbek's stature where the body is quite long, but so are the limbs. Guys, guys, guys.

Back the fuck up! As it starts to shamble over to you. What did you say about me? You look very much like a-- A rotten apple falls off of it and hits you in the shoulder.

Tiffany, it's me, Gricko. He spins around. He spins around, his arms are lanky. He doesn't quite know how to use them as he hits you, again, Frost, with his long trash heap arm. And you are poked in the side by a very large turkey bone. Pierces your skin a little bit. As he turns over towards you, Gricko.

I said, "That's good, my man." Just before you sully my robe, that you look like a trash heap. He once again turns towards you, this time hitting Gricko. Gricko, you roll a dexterity saving throw. You're looking good.

From my perspective, does it look like it's attacking my friends? No, he looks like he clearly does not have, he's not familiar with using his limbs, and so they're long and lanky, and he's hitting things, running into things. He seems kind of confused, and you have heard that he said a few things. What did you call me? That's not my name. 15.

- 15. He does knock you over, but you are able to quickly right yourself as a bit of rotten pumpkin falls out and lands in your lap. - Ugh. - Did I take any damage? - No. - Is that the same sensation Tiffany gave you last time? Rotten pumpkin in the lap? - I think he's-- - Yikes! - Unconscious. - You're back!

What does that mean? You had to go to Goblin High School. Oh, Doormat couldn't afford high school. It was free, man. They told Doormat there was tuition.

Mr. Freshman, what is your name? He turns towards you. Ewan. Ewan? Yeah, the kids call me Ewan. And you're not going to change it years later into Ian?

No. Okay, I'm just checking. It's going to become my old man voice because I can't keep up with the other ones. And you're just going to go with it. So you don't want to kill us? You don't want to attack us? No. You'll mutilate us in any way?

Is there any chance you want to date Gricko? Which one's Gricko? That's him, you're exactly his type. No, thank you. Oh, bad luck, buddy. We didn't mean to run into you. That was Dormax's fault. It's okay, I'm sorry. I thought it was kids kicking me.

- Oh no, Torbeck is very familiar with that and it's very different. - Nobody likes Ewan 'cause Ewan's in and made of trash. - Nobody likes Torbeck 'cause Torbeck's kinda gross and smells like trash because he lives in trash. - His long head comes down and he

Pulls in a big whiff. I smell worse than you do. Well, maybe, but that's what makes all of us unique and beautiful. This is all very sweet, but we have to be going now. Thank you so much for your time, Mr. Trash Ewan. It's not Tiffany. It's the big trash man.

Frosty hasn't had his breakfast. Forgive him. If he was in his right mind, he would tell you to change your name to Meowt. What? Meowt. Meowt? Yeah. Meowt.

Hold on, let's think about this. I think he's saying, like, because you were in. So, me being done. Oh, yeah. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. That was a long walk around. What the fuck? I'm cursed to giggle, and I didn't even laugh at that one. No, this isn't Tiffany. It's Tiffa L.

Oh

I'm very angry. I'm very paranoid and scared, and I think we should, yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. Well, hey, giant trash guy that kind of looks like Gregor's ex-girlfriend. My dream is you. It probably smells better than she does, too. Huh? You and who? No one, I'm always alone. Well, man, that's pretty funny. But...

Do you know, like, anyone? I think we're still looking for a guide to get through this maze of mushrooms. You know anybody that knows their way around here? Couldn't be you. You're a pile of trash under this window. That's true. You offer no value. Oh! You see... Tiffany really knew her way around.

Don't piss me off! Where you imagine his eyes would be, you see a small mushroom roll, or a small onion roll into place, and tears roll down his face as he listens to the things that Frost is saying to him. You're right. I've been through this garden time and time again, but I'd make an awful guide. All right, well, I may need to know a good one.

I have no value and I can offer nothing. Oh, no! Torbjorn's gonna step in here. I mean, just please take it over. I mean, that is like four times. Camel Dobek! Take a step back. Listen, Ewan. From one giant pile of trash to another.

You have to remember, it's called Garbage Can, not Garbage Can't. You can do this! You can help us! Torbek believes in you, Winn. Well, where are you trying to get to? We're looking for some mushroom peddlers. Oh, I know them.

You do? Yeah. Can you take us to them? You want just one of them or both of them? There's more than one? There are two of them. One moment, please. And I'll turn to Pinkertia and say...

Torbjorn didn't realize that there was more than one peddler. This place is amazing. Which one do we want? You didn't realize that? She's been saying peddlers this whole fucking time. Torbjorn, don't take me together! Like a group of them! Well, there's-- Yeah, I'm in. They are a group of them. I'm not sure why he's asking if you want to see them separately. They don't go anywhere separately unless something's happened. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Ewan, are the peddlers not together anymore? They should be. Did something happen to them? What? I think everybody's just... No!

Oh, the peddlers were so good together. How about this? Just say, just take us there and then beg him not to kill us, all right? All right. Dormek would be greatly appreciative if you would take us all to the peddlers and also don't kill us.

I wouldn't kill you. I'd just have to add your bones and viscera to my pile of trash. Imagine. We would like to keep our bones and viscera where they currently are. If this takes any longer, I will welcome it. I'm sorry. Whoa, tool bank. What?

That's a really cool elephant! Yeah! It's beautiful, but it's a lion! Yeah, I was just kidding! You're distracting Torbeck! Can you take us there? Can you guide us? Please? Yes, but I would ask for one favor. Sure! There's an animal pen a little deeper in.

The animals have gotten out recently when some rogue Eddercaps let the gate loose and they've been defecating all over the garden. I couldn't smell. Which means I have to roll

and pick it up. Okay. I would really prefer they did their business in the pen. You want us to gather all the missing animals? I could just kill them very quickly with my mind. Well, if you kill them, then...

And he looks up towards the tree. She'll be angry. No. She'll blame me. You're not going to kill any of the beautiful creatures. She'll be, don't be angry. She'll be nice. She'll be friendly. Ah.

I don't know. Mr. Crammy, what do we do? What if we just fucking bail and leave this guy? Let's find our own way. We need to die! That's okay. Everyone who comes into Ewan's life bails and leaves me alone. What if he's just bullshitting us and he just wants us to do his job for him and then he doesn't actually fucking know anything? Take us to the Mushroom Battlers and we'll see if we can maybe gather some of the animals on the way. And I have to admit that

If we get lost, we'd be able to follow the rotten garbage on the way back here. Mike bread crumbs. I think he needs to prove that he fucking knows where they are. Why don't we see him first and then we'll go do his job and then... Yeah! Yeah. Um, one of those escaped animals wouldn't have been a tiny flying lion, would it? No.

No, but there is a tiny pig named Oink. Oh man, that's cute. Hang on. All right. Hang on, Gar. See, isn't it magical? We'll get Zooks. I didn't know there was a tiny pig named Oink. Oh, we got to go do the animal thing. I don't even know what it is, Quiet. We accept, but you have to take us to the peddlers first. I can't do that. The peddlers are after the animal pen.

Of course. Tori doesn't know what to do here, Mr. Crumby! I mean, look, we could do it, I guess, but... You could also go alone! We've been warned that that wouldn't danger our lives, so let's do the animal thing real quick! And then we'll go and we'll peddle and we'll eat some fuckin' mushrooms. I don't trust this guy. I don't trust this guy, but we can. What have I done?! That's fine.

Whoa, he's fucking looking at you. I can't help it, I made a promise. He's like looking into a mirror. He starts to weep, Jallian. Oh, hell god.

I think he's trying to emotionally manipulate us, fellas. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's just spoiled milk. I mean, you gotta care about him for that to happen. All right, Ewan, we will help you on the way to the mushroom peddlers. Is that okay? Does that sound good? No, that's fine, that's fine. We can do it, it just might be a waste of time is all I'm saying. To be fair,

Torbek doesn't understand how a place like this, so beautiful, can be dangerous at all anyway, but let's take him as a guy. Fine. Fine. I'm not going to stop it. Do you think Jabberwock is something we should be worried about? He's a tough guy. He's a tough guy. I feel like we can take him.

No, no! Why would you say that? Did you see it? You know that didn't end well. Did you fucking see the jabberwock? Oh, my fucking god. Don't you remember when he killed us all? You don't remember that? Ewan, please start walking in the right direction. Just please. Yeah, and he killed your fucking daughter. Who? See? Exactly right. Oh, my good lord. Alright.

And Ewan begins to move. And he moves with a significant amount of grace, actually. Once he has moved away from the house, he seems to have regained the familiarity with his limbs now that he's taken on a more humanoid form. And he begins to walk forward, and you see that things...

shadows and other creatures move out of the underbrush. But the moment that they smell Ewan and see him, they begin to shrink back. And so it's easy to see that whatever lives here knows of him and fears him in the same way that Pincushion seemed to react to him, though he seems like a gentle giant. But his presence is very clearly protecting you as you're making your way through this place.

It is significantly larger than you had expected. You travel for almost an hour before you find yourselves opening up into a clearing. There is a small purple barnhouse off to the side. Its thatched roof is crooked and twisted. The door is asymmetrical. The windows are

don't align on either side and out front and partially connected to it. You see a large pen, which would clearly have housed animals of a variety of animals. You see different sizes of feeding troughs. You see different sizes of watering holes.

and it's easy to see that there were multiple animals in this pen. The door itself is swung wide open, and you see nothing else. This is where they go. Guys, what's wrong with you? Like shit. That's just me. Who? You and-- Oh, hi, my name is Gricko.

I don't wanna date you! Tiffany, is that you? I got a new truck. I've got some cool pictures of it. Tiffany, so good to see you after all these years. So there's supposed to be animals here, but there aren't any animals here, so how are we gonna fucking find these animals, fellas? That's a great question.

Yeah. Yeah, it sure was. I don't know. It's your solution. Can you, like, use your mind just to figure out where they all are? I use my mind to figure out where they all are. It's amazing. It works like clockwork. Torbeck is not constipated. Please don't record this.

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Torbjörn, thanks you! Do I have to solve everybody's problems? All the time? You are not that confused, Michael. You can function as Gricko. You're only a little bit confused. Yeah, that's all it takes. That's how it starts. That's how it starts. Oh, God. Let me look inward and I'll see if I can find these fucking animals. Elephant!

Elephant come back! It's a progressive disease. What are you talking about man? The prongs? Yeah, the prongs. It's a little quiet here.

It just gets worse. You can manage symptoms, but it's sad. I would like to look inward, and I would like to cast Borrowed Knowledge to give myself proficiency in the nature skill to see if I can reach out with my mind and see if I can find any creatures that fit the bill that need to be corralled into this farmhouse. That's very cool. Look for Oink. Oh, yeah. Oink, T-Pig. You specifically look at the pen.

you take note of the different types of tracks and your mind races. You see the way that they move and how certain sets of tracks are grouped together. Well, that's clearly one type of animal that moves in like a pack. Here's another one here. And looking through it all, you realize that housed within this pen are seven goats, five pigs, and one small piglet. Seven goats, five pigs, and one small piglet.

It's like I'm looking at the tracks and it's that scene from A Beautiful Mind where he's looking at the pigeons and there are all these fucking formulas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly.

And you realize you-- It's almost as if you can see them and see where they move to which troughs and how they would eat and where they would sleep and the ways that they would go about their day. You also take note of the way the pen was opened and the way that the tracks moved out, that the goats rushed out quickly, that some of the pigs went but hesitated.

and then the rest, and then an area where they hesitated before you see the tiny little footprints of a piglet, clearly the last to leave, more hesitant than the others. You see the way they dart off into the underbrush, the pigs into one direction, the goats into another, and they disappear into the foliage. You smell the air. You get down to the ground, and you feel the earth in your hands and the way...

its sponginess and the way that it moves. You begin to calculate speed versus the length of pig's legs, especially having one piglet, they have to keep with it. The goats are medium age. There was maybe one elderly goat. That's going to slow them down. And you begin to track how far they could go, where they would be. All of this happens in the blink of an eye. And you realize that

just based on the humidity in the air, there has to be some sort of cove or waterfall, small creek somewhere close to here. They're going to gravitate towards the water and you can imagine they are all probably right next to that water.

All right, gentlemen. We need to think about creating a perimeter of approximately 600 feet. Inside of that perimeter, there's going to be a source of water. That is what we are looking for. Try to think like an animal. Follow these tracks into the bush here and follow these along this direction. I believe that we will find the animals and be able to corral them back. Are you with me? Wow, Frost, you're so amazing. What? What?

Griggo, follow Jorbeck. If you say so. Follow the pink bulbs.

Whoa, that's a cool outfit, Torbeck. Oh, don't worry, Gricko. I gotcha. And I'll pick him up again like a football. Oh! Whoa! Look, why don't we split up? It can be me and Gib, it can be you and Torbeck, and then you go off on your own. I'm flying like an ocelot! If only me mum could see me now! Oh!

I don't care if we split up or not. We're creating a perimeter and I believe the animals will be found sometime somewhere in between the radius that I just calculated. You can go off on your own if you care to. It's almost 600 feet. Look, you can almost hear the water. And as you listen, you realize you can. Let's take a look.

Can we all triangulate the direction of the water? Yeah, it seems to be to the north. Oh, all right. Let's go to the north. Whee! I fly right up the board as we begin going north to where we do this water. Oh, he's having fun. You notice that Ewan stays back. He watches as you make your way

towards the north and where you hear the sound of the water flowing. And he doesn't attempt to stop you, but he doesn't join you either. Ewan does not follow you as you make your way towards what sounds to be a roaring waterfall. You... Yeah, we love you. We're on a magical musical adventure by ourselves. We're back to life.

That is so irritating. Everyone's an ocelot, except Frosty. It's just amazing he hasn't missed a single lyric. Every one of those was exactly what he had. He didn't mean ocelot, he's thinking of a different animal.

What an idiot. Who the fuck doesn't know what an ocelot is? Isn't it like a monkey-like creature? Yes, and I was reminded earlier this week that I played all of Metal Gear Solid thinking that it was a monkey-like creature. Oh, shit! Revolver ocelot in that game. No!

There's a waterfall you see I can tell by the you don't see it yet, but you can hear it You hear that there is a waterfall in the direction of that sound that I pointed All right, you you go on lead the way

As you move forward, you begin to notice that the foliage almost peels away from you, vines peel back like curtains. It's almost as if it's accepting you, allowing you to move forward. And you do eventually find yourself staring at what looks to be a beautiful, crystalline pool. The water shimmers in this

incredible turquoise color the ground beneath it you would expect to see stones or dirt or soil or silt of some kind but it appears to be beautiful purple petals that line the bottom of this and as you look up you see that there is

There is clearly the sound of a waterfall, but it is coming over the top of this long, twisting tree that reaches up towards the sky. The top of it is wreathed with wisteria that hangs down and dips into the edges of the pool, the petals falling off and lining the bottom as water flows down over it, almost preternaturally.

As you look at this, it is incredible. It is glorious. It's beautiful. And you feel peace. You feel a sense of calm. There's something about this water that reminds you very much of the lake where you had met, met La Morna, the unicorn. There's something perfect, pristine about this water. As you breathe in the mist that, um, that billows up off of the surface, um,

You inhale that mist and it almost, it's almost effervescent in your lungs. And you feel like you've breathed in double the amounts of air that you had expected to. You feel invigorated, renewed. It's lovely. Torbeck has never seen anything so beautiful. Careful, fellas.

Frost, you think-- You take recovery. I use the back of your fist to block my eyes. Frost, you think those hanging flowers are poisonous? Almost certainly. Oh god. Look at 'em. Everything is poisonous here in the Feywild. It's probably what's actually happening right now is that we've been poisoned terribly and these are just the

dying visions of our shutting down brain. Oh man, just like the prions. Oh god, oh, is it the prions? I look around at the animals. If we all consume the same thing, we could all have prion disease. Roll another nature check card. That sounds yummy. Wow. Guys. 23. It's pronounced prown. Prown. Oh, I thought it was a prane. If this is the end, then...

"Dormax never been happier to be in a place like this "with all of Dormax's friends." I begin to monologue like the end of Midnight Nass about my brain shutting down for 35 minutes. What did you get for your nature check, Derek? I'm my lord. Can you please? Nobody touch the flowers, all right? I think they're poisonous.

I look around for the animals. Oh, there's 23. Oh, perfect. You look around and you begin to notice a couple of things. You notice that there were tracks up the water. You begin to notice that as beautiful as this area is, that the thicket around it is far darker.

gnarled thistles unfurl and you see movement in the corner of your eye and you look and as you see one of the roots roll back in on itself, these gnarled thorny tendrils reaching out from the undergrowth and you notice what appears to be a hoof and as your eyes adjust to the darkness at the line of the underbrush you see that

there is clearly the body of a swine that's been wrapped up in one of these thorny bushes, unmoving, clearly dead. - Oh, yum! - Son of a bitch. - What do you see, Frosty? - Well, if you stand a little closer, you can see over here.

The body of some kind of animal, probably a pig, has been Jumanji'd into the forest in that direction. Oh my god, is it okay? No, I don't see it breathing or moving at all. Oh no. It's probable that the animals are all dead. Look at that chicken! Of course. We came all this fucking way. Oh, poor chicken.

Oh, man. Ewan, is this some kind of sick fucking joke? Ewan's not there. He didn't come. He didn't come, fuck. No, I stayed behind. He thought he smelled too bad in front of all the animals. Those flowers look yummy. Can I talk about-- In this yellow flower, I might be able to drink tea and take a Bart out of it. Oh, God. Roll a constitution saving throw, please. Oh, he's dead. Not good.

Hold on. Well, if he doesn't get prions, he's probably getting those truth-ons. It's okay. It's all right. Kong? Mm-hmm. Ten. Roll a d20 for me, please. Seventeen. Okay.

Yeah, you're able to eat it. It tastes buttery. It's got a, it's almost like eating a leaf of buttered popcorn. Oh snap. Oh my god. I would love some buttered popcorn. Guys, have you ever been on a long road trip and after so many hours of riding, you finally roll up to one of those taverns with the cracker and the barrel on it, and you have a delicious breakfast? Tastes like that.

Oh man. Give me some more of that flower stuff. No, get away from that! That's just your pyro! You slapped out of my hand. Sorry, Greg. It's okay. Don't go for the purple ones. Everybody knows that purple's the color of poison. It's Torbag.

Dormag is Dormag. I thought you were my imaginary possum friend. Dormag is a bugbear. Goblinoid, like Gricko.

You are literally a seven foot tall, anthropomorphic possum in suspenders right now. Do you know? Jeans suspenders, overalls. He's getting words. Do you know how stupid you sound right now, Jeremy? That sounds really cool. My doormag is just doormag. I don't know what to say to you right now, Jeremy. I've had enough of this. The flowers are delicious, though.

Who's gonna break it to old Ewan that the animals are dead? We're not turning around and breaking that news. There is a dead pig over here, and we're going into that fucking forest, and we're gonna find out what happened to them, or I'm gonna murder all of you and then myself! Jeez, alright! Is it really dead? Let's just grab the chicken for what it's saying! I'm gonna try to grab on the pig's leg and pull it out. I'm sure he's asleep! Roll a strength saving throw.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh no. A 10. You attempt to pull, and as you do, one of the thorny vines whips out and wraps around you and begins to yank you into the underbrush as well. You find yourself pinned next to this rotting carcass of a boar. Oh, two! As the vines wrap into you, piercing into your flesh, you take, I don't have any dice.

- Here. - Thanks. - I have sushi. I can roll sushi. - Oh God, I'll kill it instantly. - I give it a sushi roll.

- That's pretty good. - I didn't think of that when I saw that. - Oh, you're restraining me? I mean, a little sparse here. - You take two points of piercing damage as it pierces into you. And you hear-- - Not there, not there. - You hear the noises of what sound like hundreds of other vines moving against the earth. Roll perception check for me, please. - And I'm just like stuck in there, right? - Yeah.

Roll a perception check for me. Yeah, you're grappled and restrained. I mean, as funny as this is, I guess we try and get him out of it. No, I want him against it. No, get to him. Don't get close. Well, come on, man. Look, it killed this little twat. Damn you.

- I'm getting rid of this dime? As funny as it would be, we can't let it kill Gricko. - You hear a noise, but you're not quite able to place exactly what it is, though it sounds familiar. In your confusion, though, what it is slips away from you as you are now focused on the sounds of many more vines traveling through the underbrush directly towards you. - Is the dead pig next to me? - You're pinned up next to it.

Guys, the chicken is okay! We're coming to take you. We're all on our way. No, Phil, sit back, please! The chicken is fine!

There's nothing left to do now but have a-- Tiffany's getting a little spastic. Oh, Tiffany! He thinks Tiffany's in the bush. One of the vines wraps around you and the thorn pinches your butt. Oh! There's a lot of wriggling tentacles. You know, he's too far gone, fellas. Tiffany's been watching some OVAs. Are you scared of whatever threat is trying to take Krikko more than his death? The death of Hootsie's father? The death of everyone? We have to go in.

No, we're gonna have a respectful but brief living funeral like that horrifying film Once Upon a Forest. We're gonna eulogize him while he's still fucking alive. Mr. Kremi, that's not necessary. And I'll take a step towards the plan where Gricca was and I'll kneel down. Are my feet hanging down? Yes, they are. I'll kneel down and I'll reach out and I'll say,

Oh, beautiful feywild plant, please release Torbeck's friend. As I'm petting it. Do you have speak with plants? Or anything? Please, beautiful creature, give Torbeck's friend back.

Roll a persuasion check at disadvantage because you don't have any kind of plant speaking feature. I get an 11. You...

You feel the vines stop for a moment and you imagine that the plant has listened to you. I can hear torment. You see that it loosens up around part of Gricko's legs before it whips out and lashes you against your face and you roll dexterity saving throw. Oh, no. I can hear torment. Oh, no.

- Torbjorn, are you trying to speak? - 27. - You are quickly able to, you're able to dexterously move out of the way as the thorny vine whips against you. You are going to take one point of slashing damage as the thorn cuts across your cheek, but it isn't able to wrap around you and restrain you. You do watch as it quickly slithers back in and begins to curl around Gricko's-- - Ow!

Mr. Crummy's right. Greco's gone. Torbjorn, you can't speak with plants unless you can cast a spell. Speak with plants. I've got it. I've got just a spell prepared. Torbjorn, I'm restrained. I'm going to grab my... I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to...

No, I'm gonna cast Plant Growth. No! He's back! Confused! Tiffany, we can't. Tell me how Plant Growth works. Oh!

- The spell channels vitality into plants within a specific area. There are two possible uses for the spell. This is the first one, 'cause I'm using it as an instant. Choose a point within range, which will be inside this plant, I guess. All normal plants in a 100-foot radius centered on that point become thick and overgrown. A creature moving through the area must spend four feet of movement every one foot. - Oh my god. - You watch as...

- You watch as the vines, which were,

which were about this thick, quadruple in size. And they begin to shoot out in every direction. Where this beautiful flower that had been spilling this effervescent water had existed, it is crushed as the vines spread out and overtake this area. You are all...

you are all trapped beneath these giant thorny vines as they just immediately burst out of the underbrush. And though they're not wrapping around you, the weight of them is immense. It's going to take a lot for you to get out from under them. But that is not the thing that catches your attention. It is that these aren't a bunch of smaller plants.

but these are vines attached to one large plant. Oh no. And now that this spell has been cast, you see where these vines had come from. You now see all around you the carcasses of goat and pig trapped within them as they've been burst forth out into this. And you see growing out of the very depths of this place,

towering up over everything else, a giant Venus flytrap. Its mouth opens and snaps. What was large enough easily to consume Torbec is now large enough to consume something much, much larger, and it looks incredibly hungry. The plant twists and turns towards you, and as its maw opens up, you see that unlike the other plants,

just a standard plant of this nature, there are eyes on the very top of it. Many, many, many eyes, hundreds of eyes, lined the top of this planty maw.

as it looks around and you see a slithering vine tongue unfurl from the inside of its mouth, whipping at the air, almost tasting where prey and food may be, and it seems to catch your scent. Guys, I found the chicken!

- No, you found a Marlboro from fucking Final Fantasy. - Oh my god, Caleb, Caleb! - I was gonna let you in after it, Frosty. - If I still have my cane, I'm just going to, it's gonna glow and you'll hear this horrible wailing. I'm gonna cast Inflict Wounds on it. - You are all, how does restrained work?

- We can't move and we're disadvantaged on attack rolls. - 'Cause you would all be considered restrained because you were pinned beneath these giant, now giant thorny vines. - I'm casting inflict wounds on it, if I can. - Well that's touch. - It is touch, yeah, so I'm gonna just. So the tip of my cane will be touching into one of the roots on top of me. And it'll do some necrotic damage. It's a melee spell attack. - Better move one if you guys have blight.

I'm disadvantaged on it, 'cause I'm restrained. Two 18s, let's fucking go. Oh, wow! That probably hits. Well, it is, would its AC be affected by the spell if it were a monster? Probably like plus 10 or 20 at least. You think? Yeah. 'Cause I was thinking it would definitely go up by probably 20.

- Actually, there's an argument to be made that it would be reduced by getting larger because it's easier to hit. - That's actually a very good, that's a very good, but more hit points. I do like that, I do like that. So yeah, it hits. - So it is going to do, it's a third level, so three, four, five D10 necrotic damage.

- Two, three, four. Ooh, I shouldn't use some new ornate dice. That feels heretical. One, two, three, four, five. - Get away from the tiny gator. - Oh, not something, something about the ice. Five, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 points of necrotic damage on the creature, but I'm aiming for whatever is restraining me specifically.

You let loose this necrotic magic as you inflict these wounds. You watch as a dark ergot attaches itself to the vines and the plant begins to rot, or the vine begins to rot and fester away. You hear a

a yelp of pain that comes from this creature as the vine that's specifically holding you down reels back and slinks back into the underbrush, completely freeing you. At the same time, I clamor. You roll a perception check for me. Another 18, that's fucking good! Damn, dude! That's three 18s. Damn. Perception is-- that's a 20.

At the same time, you hear a noise as some of the vines have moved, not just the vine that was trapping you, but some of the others. Not the ones trapping your friends, unfortunately, because D&D and fun. But some of the others have recoiled back into the underbrush.

you see movement and you hear a faint, almost whimpering noise and a small oink as you see a little bit of pink flesh. You see that one of the vines that was wrapping around two of these large swine

they begin to rear back. You see that those bodies had been protecting, shielding this small piglet. And through all this time, this piglet has been protected by these two now dead pigs. But it is safe, though it looks small, it looks hungry. You can see its ribs, its shaky little legs as it tries to move.

but it lets out one soft oink as it tries to get up onto its legs and move into the underbrush, but it is too weak and it falls onto its distended belly. Yeah! Oink's still alive!

It better be fucking time to get all fired up and I'm gonna crawl away and stand up and back the fuck off. Unhand that hog, Tiffany! What I will say is you, with that roll, you are able to assess the situation in a way that you know that given the small space and the size of this plant, should you choose combat?

you will not be able to save the pig. So this is an extraction. I just let know, Gid, that Oink is alive. And so hopefully that- Am I aware that Oink is alive? Oh, everyone would have heard me. And I guess roll for initiative. Okay. I would like to try. I'm not going to be able to try that.

Well, I don't have initiative cards. So I have a bunch of soy sauce packets. You've got a fucking little packet? Look at this little packet. So I have this. How many cards?

So that could be the boss. Okay. And then this one could be a different one of you guys. They gotta be just around here somewhere. Hold on, hold on. Just a second. I mean, we had them three months ago. That could be Torbek. One Minuto. This one can be, oh shit. God, that's not gonna work. This is outrageous. Exactly what's going to happen to Oink.

I don't know what happened to my initiative cards. I don't know. We do need to clean all of this. I should have thought about that. We're gonna ride it in 2030.

You know what, I'll write it down. Yeah, just write it down. I'll just write it down. You guys don't need to know. Yeah. I won't be able to figure them out. It'll confuse me. Okay. 20 to 25. Each person who plays is a person. 25. Not me. 15 to 20. Oh, sorry, I would be 20 to 25. I rolled an 18. I would be 21.

16. I got a 16 as well. You go first. You want me to go first? I'm very confused. That's fair, that's fair. So Gidd, Torb, Gryk. Yep. I got a seven. This is our newest sponsor, Kikabad Soy Sauce! What did you get, what did you get? 13. Okay, so Frost. And then Crabbe. That's true. Just kidding. Hey, everyone. Oh, and I need to roll for Oink. Yeah, where does Oink go? Okay. Oink's in combat? Mm-hmm.

Oink is a level 20 wizard. Oh, that's one fat oink. Oink casts its time stop. Oh, hell yeah! Okay. That's very funny. Can we get some plant-killing music going? Yeah, yeah. Can I work on it, please? Wee! Wee! Wee!

What was it that you yelled out?

I said, "Gid, Oink's still alive, so it better be time to get all fired up." You hear this as you watch as Kremi is able to stand to his feet. He points to where you see this small, clearly starving little piglet as it attempts to get to its legs and then crumbles back to the ground, letting out a small oink of pain. And it is your turn, Gideon.

As I hear Crummy's cry go out that Oink is still alive, a pillar of flame will erupt from beneath the vine as I get all fired up.

We got to save that pig! Grab him, kid! Go get him! Am I still grappled? You're still grappled and restrained. Some of them have moved away, but not the ones that are pinning you down. So you can make a strength check or a strength saving throw to try and remove yourself. That does take your action. Or you can do it at the end of your turn.

I'll try, I'll use a strength saving throw. Is that a disadvantage for a strength? For the break check, it's not a disadvantage. No, no, it wouldn't be. Are you advantage with your all fired up move or no? Oh, maybe. We have twists. It's like a-- You got a million twists today. I don't know what to use. This one will be under the-- Oh, this one, this one.

Oh, wow. There you go. There we fucking go. Okay, 27. Let's fucking go. You are easily able to... Wham! You begin to glow red hot with rage as you see what's happened to this poor piglet. And you... Steam explodes from your ears, your mouth, as your entire being starts to glow with the...

the burn of embers, and you, it's almost as if this creature feels that heat and it whips itself back from you as you throw the vine off of you. And you are able to stand. Can I get an oink? Yeah.

Okay, all right. I move, I run, I throw the big vine off. I'm coming, oink! I run up to the piglet as close as I can get and then just say, don't stand too close, piglet. I'm going to have him start calling you bacon. His name will be, his first name will be Christopher. So you're too oink, but you're not picking him up. Well, do I think I can pick him up and like, I mean, I don't, do I think I can pick him up and like, I would say he would count,

Free object interaction? It would be a free object interaction because he's small enough. He's got a free-- he's literally a football. I'll pick him up under-- He's smaller than a football. I'll pick him up under my arm and-- He's probably about like eight inches long.

I want the fat one. Oh, man. I don't say that. Tiffany never said that. This isn't Tiffany at all. It isn't Tiffany. What? Holy smokes. The only way to win is not to stream. Kill the streamer nature. Oh, jeez. Oh.

Yes, if I believe that I can do so, I will pick up Oink and start heading in whatever direction feels like a way. I would say you could pick him up, but you probably don't have any movement left. Got it. Having gotten up from prone, using half your movement to get to him. 100%. I'm just at Oink, Oink in hand.

Stay back, Tiffany! You pick him up and he is significantly lighter than you even expected. He lets out another little oink and looks up at you. His eyes are watering. They're far bigger for his head than you would expect.

He looks like an anime pig. Very cute. He looks ridiculous with a vagina. He's got little stars and plinks. Here, eat some waffles, all right? The leftover from breakfast. Three days ago, probably. They're like three days old, but you're a pig. But you have Link in your arms. You do notice that the vines seem to be almost...

attracted to this pig, and as you pick him up, it's as if this giant Venus flytrap creature can smell this pig, and all of the vines start to undulate and writhe towards you and this pig. You imagine if you don't get him out of here soon, it's going to become significantly more difficult to fight off these vines. Mulgrew want to make fun me.

Just so I understand, you said that we get the sense that if we fight, then we won't have time to save the pig. So this is like a, we're just trying to run away. So it depends on what you do. If you want to fight him, you can, but the pig more than likely will not survive, as it's very clear that it is more interested in that pig than it is in you guys. Just want to make sure. All right.

Torbek is crushed under one of these vines, maybe it's starting to wrap around him. The tanks on Torbek's back begin to glow ever so slightly, a bit more magenta, and they bubble and shimmer and move, and then they kind of drop and level a little bit as the tubes begin to glow as this witchlight material begins to move through his veins, and I will consume a mutagen to use my mobility mutagen, which gives me the immunity to grapple in restrained conditions.

- Whoa, let's fucking go. - His flesh begins to kind of undulate and move and you hear these awful kind of sickening pop noises as his shoulders almost pop out of his joints and you can hear his knees and hips kind of release and move as he slithers grossly out from underneath of this thing and-- - He's like a snake. - Moves out of his grasp as a bonus action.

- Nice. - And then I'm gonna try to use my action to free Gricca. The downside is that I have disadvantage on strength checks. - Okay. - Ooh. - I love that trade off. - So I will use my action to attempt to at least assist-- - It would be a strength check, so I-- - Yeah, I'll do my best. - Yeah. - But I wanna like, even if I know I can't save him myself, I wanna try to help him. - Yeah, it'll be a strength contest actually.

Oh, it's like spaghetti, not after the bingo. So do I just roll at disadvantage and add my strength pot of fire? Correct. That's actually not terrible. Unless you're, are you proficient? No. Okay.

Not a strength. I got a 13. Not awful. They got a 17. Okay. So I am spending my action attempting to help free Gricko. Don't worry, I got Torbjorn here! I will say that because you are helping, Gricko will be able to roll at advantage on his turn. That's my whole turn? It is Gricko's turn. You watch as Torbek is easily able to maneuver

from beneath these vines. It seems easier as all the attention is turned towards Gideon and the small piglet in his arms. But the weight of this vine is still pressing heavily on you. You feel the heaviness on your chest. It's hard to breathe. You are struggling as you're sinking into the earth. You actually feel the sponginess of the earth behind you now, almost like a quicksand.

and you feel that the longer you're pressed into this, the more likely you are to sink deeper and deeper into the soil. I'm writing down what I think is gonna happen. I'm gonna make an intelligence check to see if I would know the right thing. Natural 20. Oh! Moment of clarity! 22. I... He sun... What is it called? He sunrises. Yeah.

It's like the end of The Notebook. I pause. Aww. Dude, really? I slow down, time stops. My confusion leaves me, I remember who I am, and I realize I could do some inane shit, but I see that we're being crushed into the earth, and we are being smashed by these vines, and it's my fault, I see the pig. We need a tunnel. We need to burrow.

And in a moment of clarity, as time is frozen, I pull out my ocarina and I start playing. And it plays the entirety of The Great Gig in the Sky by Pink Floyd. In its entirety, it's studio recording for that.

It takes everyone's weight. As my form shifts into a land shark, a bullet, a smaller bullet, and I begin to burrow. I don't know if that actually-- You rolled a natural 20. I had just described to you that the ground beneath you is acting almost like quicksand.

Yes. So I'm going to give you the opportunity to decide if you feel like burrowing into that is a good idea. I'm going to burrow out of it. I'm going to try to basically dig a way to have a path for everyone to get through. That's all of the ground. I'm confused about the situation. So when you got to this place, I mentioned that the ground itself was spongy and buoyant.

A tunnel would be left behind. The plant itself, with spilling out all that water, has been destroyed. There is now excess liquid inside of the earth. Tunneling would probably kill you. It's like swampy. It is like mixing sand with too much water. I will turn into the land shark, because I already said it. No, I'm giving you the ability to do anything else. You've got a natural 20.

So you are smart. I had described that before you got the natural 20. I think you are smart enough to know how something like quicksand would work.

and that something like digging isn't going to help you. I am instead going to actually cast Speak With Plants. Let's fucking go. Okay. Let's fucking go. And I am going to use my Speak With Plants as I'm being wrapped up, and my mouth is going to open, and I'm going to wail the entirety of the studio recording of The Green King in the Sky by Pink Floyd in an attempt

In an attempt, Jamie can pull that off. In an attempt for the beauty of my singing to just sing the most beautiful song that I can as I cast Speak With Plants. And I'm going to try to make it such a beautiful thing. I'm trying to make the plant cry. It has eyes to cry from. Hundreds of them. And I'm going to make it try to cry. And that is what I'm trying to do. Okay.

Okay. Roll a persuasion check. At advantage? I don't know if you've heard Great Gigantmas Sky, but... That's all I'm saying. Performance? Performance would be good. I'll have you roll two. I'll have you roll performance at advantage, but a straight persuasion.

Okay. And your performance will determine the DC of the persuasion. That's a cool thing. I like that. That's a cool thing to do. Yeah, it's cool.

I'm gonna use two twists. We have plenty of twists. That's a cool thing to do. Okay, one to four. I'm gonna use two more twists. We got train twists, you know? Two more twists. Gold boy. Why not gold boy? Oh, yeah. This one's terrible. Really? No, I rolled an actual 20. Oh! You got it wrong. 22. 22. Ha ha ha ha ha.

And so, performance is 22, and what's the other one? Persuasion? Persuasion, just normal. Oh. I'm going to roll the die, you just gave me the natural 20. Okay, I'm using two more twists. Just use one. Use one. Oh, yeah, persuasion. That'll be a 21. Back in the bank.

- This plant creature doesn't have emotions in the way that a human or a humanoid creature would. - It does not. - So making it cry would be nearly impossible. However, it can get distracted.

And the sounds of your song are enough to draw its attention to you and away from everything else. You see that the music has an effect on it in a way that music has an effect on a lot of things.

the driving beat and how primal that can be to just nature in general. And there is something about this song, the cadence of it, how long it is. Is it as long as Freebird? How long is this song? It's shorter than Freebird. It's shorter than Freebird. Yeah, it's not Freebird. But it's a pretty long song, I'm assuming. Five, six minutes. It's entirely instrumental and improvised vocals. It's very good. It's very good. Look it up.

I feel like if you had performed a song by Foghat, I probably would have let it work. But because it's... My headcanon is in my mind as I finally have this moment of clarity and I cast Speak of Plants, I'm hearing the great game in the sky, but instead I'm going, Ha!

I'm just distracting you with how bad it is. And that is exactly what's happening. No, you start singing Slow Ride by Fallen Gatsby. Slow ride! Take it easy! Take it easy! Take it easy!

And because you picked fog hat, it works. And you are able to distract this creature for a significant amount of time. Frost, you are the only person that's left trapped by this thing. And its vines move away from you. They begin to beat against the ground in tune with slow ride by fog hat.

This creature is not even necessarily looking at Gricco, it's looking up towards the sky and just vibing. You feel like you have a small window-- I'm grappling. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore.

Because it's pounding you into the ground. No, it's pounding the ground next to you. You're being sprayed by bits of water as these vines hit the ground and the moisture is erupting out of it. Whatever had produced that liquid that was flowing down into that basin, now that that's been destroyed, it is filling the ground beneath you. You feel it almost wobble as you move on it.

and you realize you have a small window of opportunity to leave this place and make your way back towards the bed. - I also want to be clear that the play can understand the lyrics of Slow Ride by Fall Back. - And you do see that it is-- - Slow Ride, that sounds cool. - And you see that it's-- - I should've taken it easy. - It's nodding, it's taking it easy. It's taking it easy, it's listening. - Do I feel that if I moved 50 feet that I would be out of danger?

You imagine that if you moved 60 to 100 feet, you would at least be out of danger enough as long as you continue to move past that. You wouldn't want to stay at that point. - Do I endeavor to paralyze the creature and probably kill myself and the others and maybe save? No, no, I have to risk it.

Why do I always have to make the fucking adult choices in the room? Gideon, hold on! I'm gonna cast Vortex Warp on Gideon. And assuming that he can take an object with him, like Oink, he will be transported 90 feet away from the creature. Whoa, what do you mean? Hold on to...

You get apparated from the Harry Potter movies where you get twisted and you get a fever in your stomach and your eyes pop out and in a nightmare configuration you land 90 feet away. You're holding a bag of pork for hiding. You died idiotly. Oh Jesus.

Where'd all this bacon jerky come from? And then I'll use feline agility to double my 30 feet of movement to 60 and I will fly away. I'll just, and I'll disappear. You're like the cat in the sale video. Yep. Sale.

That'll be the conclusion of my turn, having gotten at least Oink, Gideon, and myself to safety. I'll turn and watch. Brenny, it's your turn. And since I'm already out, if I feel like everyone's out in a way, I would just book the fuck out. Well, the three of you are still there, but the two of them are out. But you see that they could easily make an escape. You don't know how long slow ride take it easy is gonna last.

Considering the fact that it's, what, three minutes on, four minutes on? That's many turns in combat. You feel like you've got a pretty good chance. That's 30 rounds? I dash 30 times.

I'll be seeing philosophers start when the music stops playing in the background. And so, yeah, you dash. I will dash to wherever Gideon is now standing, safely away from the plants. You do that. Back in the same direction you're heading back towards the small farm. I fucking told her!

How's it going, dude? Oh, no. That was all I did. I had no idea. I mean, it's just...

I hate you guys. I got that one hard one that's always at the bottom. The one that hurts your tooth? Yeah. I'm definitely having pork rinds the next day.

Then it is Sprout's turn. That's the name of our thing. I slipped out first turn. I fucking-- Yeah, you shellied his way out. So I'm going to see if this plant continues to stay entranced by you. Take it easy! I'm going to use a dread to reroll. Great. Yeah, you got him. It stays entranced for this round. Oh gosh. That's Gideon's turn.

I'm assuming you're going to continue to move? I think I'm super far away. You're 90 feet away, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll move continuously. We're jogging. You're jogging. Yeah. Torbec? I would dash. Having seen you escape and everybody's getting warped out, I would just dash and use my grapple immunity to not get you into bag. Gricko, you stand alone as the water

- Shit, I thought he was gone. Can I grab him to stay with me? I thought you would have run when I scoop him up and I just take off. - Yeah, no, I'll allow it because I don't think it would because he's so small and you're so strong and so big. I wouldn't, yeah, I'll allow it. - I will get on your shoulders and I will fast ride as I sing slow to mine. - Yeah, you would notice that as I'm moving though,

I'm not moving like you would normally see Torbek move. My limbs are a little bit longer and it's almost like there's less rigidity in my limbs and I'm almost like, my limbs kind of hyperextend as I move and it looks kind of gross and weird. My skin is rubbery than normal. It's like on a waterbed. Just like...

Disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is with that that you are all able to run from this place, now realizing what has succumbed to the animals that lived here. The animals that had escaped, but able to save one. The small piglet named Oink is not turned into cracklins, but is safe.

albeit shaking and scared and hungry in your arms. You are all able to rush back to where the farm had stood. In the 400 rounds it took for him to play Foghat, I fashioned almost like a little Bjorn. Baby Bjorn? A little Bjorn on my back. Piggy Bjorn? A little piggy Bjorn, and Oink would be just right over me, and I slipped on motorcycle goggles. It's like Raising Arizona.

Yeah, with a little motorcycle helmet hat as we sprint away.

It's very cute. It is very cute. You do that. And Oink nuzzles into your shoulder and makes little oinking noises. Every time you hit a rock and it jostles him, he lets out a squeal of pain. He's clearly unwell. But he is slowly coming to trust you as he looks up at you with his two big eyes. And you make your way back to...

back to the farmhouse. And it is as you had left it, all aside from the fact that you see that Ewen is not where you had left him, but towards the east, you see that he's planted down in the ground

and he's undulating and moving and chanting in some strange way. You can, the wind whips through and you can smell the scent of his, the trash and the rotting bits that are part of just his compost heap

But as he writes, it's almost as if he hears you and he writes himself and he begins to move and you see that where he had been hunkered down, there is now a ring of toadstools and all of them illuminated with

A glow that you are familiar with. It is a glow similar to that of the witch light, but instead of magenta, it is a beautiful dark purple and blue. They glow bright and then they get softer and then brighter and softer. And he turns to look at you. I've made contact with the mushroom peddlers.

And they've allowed me to set up a teleportation circle for you! Thank the gods! That's great and it's beautiful! All we need to do is step inside and we'll be to them in a flash!

We could, but we all have a little bit of bad experiences with that. Are we sure? Did you get the animals? We got an animal.

Well, one's better than none and we can get the rest when we come back. Yeah! They ain't going anywhere. We'll do that. Yeah, that sounds good. Let's not fucking lie to the guy. They're all dead. They're all dead. It's just little Oink. And I don't know how he's going to survive without his family. Damn it, Krimmy. That's a shame. You're going to have to get animals.

Yeah! Oh, we're at Granny Night, Shade, no! What do we do about poor little Oink? Well, we put him back in the pen and...

Let him shop to death. Put him in the pen. Maybe we put you in the pen, all right? What are we gonna put him? Yeah, the only person getting left by himself and no friends is you, okay? He looks really sad as a tear rolls down his cheek. Oh, yeah, good. All right, we'll keep an oink, all right? The discussion's over. Well, I guess we can just tell her they all died. You gonna keep an oink? I mean, yes. Obviously. Aren't you gonna get that little gator, I thought?

going back for that guy? - Well, I was gonna wait until the end of this adventure. Once we got to the end of the campaign module, we could go back and scoop him up, but I mean, won't it be dangerous? - Why, any more dangerous than letting him starve next to a giant Marlboro? - Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, why don't you ask Oink, see if he wants to come along? - I turn over to Oink, and I grab this snout, and I say, Oink, do you wanna come along? - Fuck off.

He oinks twice, and you see as he nuzzles his little snout into you. Oh boy. He canonically looks like just a smaller version of Waddles from Gravity Falls. Exactly Waddles, just shrunken down. Ahem. Ahem.

Look, man, he's got a helmet on, all right? It doesn't get in the way of him. Yeah, he does. It's just a little tiny helmet. That's very cool. Is Pincushion with us? Has she been with us the whole time? Yeah. She's been attached to your leg. Hey, Pincushion, do you think if we take Oink, there'd be some sort of horrible, like, hag curse on us? Because I'm paranoid about that.

I didn't think so. I mean, it could happen if Granny Nightshade found out that the pigs weren't actually dead and that you'd stolen one. But if she truly believes that the pigs are all dead and that this one just happened to be yours and you brought it, um, with...

With a bit of deception, I think. Not that I condone that, of course. But with a bit of deception, I think you could avoid that altogether. How did you possibly learn that all of the pigs were killed? There were at least six pig corpses in that forest, in addition to all of the goat. I take a fat hog with me everywhere I go. What's one more? Jesus Christ! Look.

I'm going to need you to stop saying the phrase fat hog. It's been at least 38 times in the last hour. One hog, the phrase fat hog. Look at this thing. This is one fat hog. It's offensive. Look at him. He's wasting away. Are you kidding me? He's all fat.

radius. He's not that hammered. Oh, you know? I tried. Right now I'm picturing Granny Nightshade sorting through pig bones to make sure that they were all there, and that's worth the price of keeping Oink-A-Lot, in my opinion. So let's do it. Oh! Oh! I've been stabbed! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Well, we can probably ignore that. Let's go to the mushroom house. Let's all never discuss that again. I've got thorns in my side! Oh, I took two piercing damage! Are you gonna be okay? You can heal yourself, just don't cast planet... On the thorn! Ow!

All right. Mash from Sergo? Mash from Sergo. Do you guys like my beautiful singing? I won't be able to come with you, no. I won't be able to come with you, but I'll wait for you

Oh no, all right, let's go everybody. Yun, you shocked me with your ability to guide us here, thank you. You're welcome. I'll happily guide you back when it's all said and done. Will we know how to teleport back? Yes, the mushroom peddlers will be able to help you. All right.

This is some kind of trick. I'm gonna hex you forever and cause horrible, painful necrotic death and then raise you to be dead. He's made out of trash, what threat could possibly-- It's not, I promise. Okay. Ewen, you're too nice to be with Granny. We're not taking him, too. Let's get in the fucking circle. All right? No, but we could at least find him a nice hipster couple in the city.

Come on over here, you can live in my pockets! You'll be riding home, they call post! So good! I teleport away. That's so good! Well, when this adventure's over, we can come back and build a large tumbler. I wish that were something I could do, but Granny Nightshade took a...

Took a piece of my shrubbery form and now I'm bound to her forever until I get it back. So if we were to return your banana peel pith and...

- You'll be freed. - Underneath all this garbage, I'm but a simple plant man. - I don't wanna add it to the list. - We unironically have 45 different things that we have to check off this list. - Our console is like, delete one, delete one. - It's all in red. It's all in red at the top. We've capped that.

Goodbye, Yelena. Goodbye. It was great meeting you. I'll see you on the other, well, I'll see you back on this side. Yeah, it was great meeting you. Really. Thank you for the positive affirmations. I'll say that it's a trash can, not a trash can every morning to remind myself that I do have worth. It doesn't help.

But you can do it anyway. I'm going to try. Tiffany, I'll see you at the next reunion. Yeah, see you, Gregos X. All right, goodbye. So long, Barn. Can we get away from this smelly nightmare? We all take to our nightmares. We all spin around like it's Super Mario World.

You all step into this mushroom circle, and as you do, the blue and purple lights begin to undulate and brighten as they, as--

they almost throb and pulse before they illuminate at their absolute brightest. It's almost now a pale pink lavender light that washes over all of you as you feel yourselves get smaller and smaller and smaller.

And then you feel your limbs disappear, your bodies become fungal as you all take on different forms of mushrooms. And then you feel yourselves pulled through this network of mycelium, this communication system that mushrooms connect to each other with. And you feel yourselves pulled through it, flying at...

incredible speeds beneath the earth until all of a sudden you find yourself spilling out once again in these mushroom forms as you begin to grow and grow and grow back into your regular forms. The emotional manipulation that had overcome you when you'd stepped into the garden completely gone from you in this space as you find yourself in a very dark and damp cave.

You look around and everything is so dark that you can make out no shapes. You hear a soft humming sound, but that's all you can make out before eventually your eyes begin to adjust and you see that there are these small lanterns dotted throughout the cave, these small...

what look to be cages and inside of them mushrooms of different colors, bioluminescent, that glow and illuminate the space. And as your eyes continue to adjust, they get brighter and brighter until light spills out and fills this room. Looking around, you see that there is a small patch off to the side which looks to be some sort of garden patch where you see a variety of mushrooms of different shapes and sizes, none that you have ever seen before in your life.

And in front of you, standing about four, maybe four and a half feet tall, is what looks to be a mushroom person. The cap on their head looks almost like a beret, but is shaped, but is a mushroom cap. And they're wearing a buttoned up, almost like a pea coat. She looks very dapper as she looks out at you. And she says,

Oh my god, there are people here. Sibon, you are not gonna believe it. And she slowly unbuttons her coat and you see that standing on, she's standing on the shoulders of almost an identical looking mushroom person. All along the lines of the peacoat, you see different vials of mushrooms in different colors, all labeled with different things for different moods and different things. Sibon looks up at her and says, oh god, Sila,

This is great, they're exactly what I expected. This is going to be a wild ride. And that's where we'll end the session. Well done. Great session, Nikki, thanks for learning it. That was very fun. Join us next week where we'll be joined by Zoe Saldana.

Join us next week for more Warhammer mini-building. No! We're kidding. We're going to try to stay as well as we can. No, it's not two mushrooms in a trench coat. It's two mushrooms in a pea coat. That's pretty funny. It's very different. And we're humans. No cap. For real, for real. That was very funny. That was pretty good.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avantras podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin tier or higher to unlock Shroud of Ersalmarsh, a Patreon-exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com forward slash legendsofavantras.

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