Loneliness, Love, & Getting Back Out There 💌 September Magic Mailbag
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Welcome, everybody, to our September mailbag episode. It's so good to be here. Thank you all for listening. As I've said before, I get a lot of questions from you guys through Spotify and Supercast, but some of them are really difficult to address in hypnosis episodes. So we thought we'd put them together in this mailbag.

And I love your questions this week. I'm going to be diving in and giving you my perspective on things, but just a couple of things before we begin. First, these are just my thoughts and perspectives. I'm a hypnotherapist, so I have my own weird ideas about things, but please get advice from all different sources if you need it. And if

This episode is not technically for falling asleep, but you may find if you've listened to Sleep Magic for a while that my voice puts you to sleep. So if you want to really hear these questions, you might want to listen to it at another time. But if you fall asleep for now, great. Get your sleep. It's important. Before we get started, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors who make this free content possible.

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Hello, Jessica. I've recently come to the realization that I don't have any friends as an adult. I had a few close pals in high school but was abandoned after they moved on and got married slash went to college. I only realized this once there were free tickets to a concert at work and I realized that the only one who would have gone with me was my younger sister and she said no. I guess I'm stuck with the dog this weekend while my husband is away with his high school friends.

I don't know what to do and feel lonely and a bit embarrassed. Well, Melissa, thank you for sharing that. I'm really excited to respond to this because this is a topic that I've thought about quite deeply in my life. Friendship is a very nourishing, satisfying part of life, yet it can also be complicated and perplexing. So let's dig in.

But first, I want to rewind a little on my life. I want to explain where I'm coming from on this topic. My beliefs about friendship come from a very specific set of circumstances in my life. In my early 20s, I started looking really deeply at my life because I was sort of depressed and lost and I needed a real overhaul. I began to realize that I was depending on all sorts of things outside myself to find my happiness.

food, substances, people, and the validation they could give me, romantic intrigue. I was looking outside myself for energy, for meaning, for mirroring. And there was a point at which that whole model crashed and burned. I discovered in no uncertain terms that no thing and no one outside of me could serve as my personal fuel to burn for self-esteem.

or to propel me forward in my life. I had to look to myself and another type of fuel. So I was just miserable enough to start diving into meditation, spiritual things, support groups, spiritual literature, anything that spoke to what I call my inner being, the invisible part of me that needed real nourishment.

the nourishment of hope and love, and a more holistic consciousness. You see, we perceive in two different ways. The conscious mind, the part of you that's like actively thinking all the time, sort of more connected to the ego and sees more in black and white, you versus me, good versus bad. It has more dualistic perceptions. But the subconscious mind,

perceives everything more as connected and whole and working in a synthesized way. So the more I started to perceive from that place, from the subconscious mind, from the inner being, and nourish this side of me, the less I felt the need to lean on food or people or other things. I felt full and abundant within me.

And the subconscious mind wants to feel full and abundant. So with spirit or source or God or whatever you want to call it, I'm not religious. I didn't grow up in a religious household. But the point of a bigger whole consciousness connected to the bigger whole of life is very real. There's a reason there are religions, whether we like them or not.

They speak to this inner, connected, subconscious part of us. And that feels really good. And that part of us, no matter how we do it, whether it's walking in nature, reading poetry, meditating, it needs food.

And when I felt full from the inside, and I don't mean 24-7, but when I knew how to achieve that fullness, where to go to feel that nourishment, I could look at friendship from a whole different place. It was no longer a competition or a codependent entanglement. I was being nourished no matter what. So what was I getting or giving to a friend?

Well, if I'm feeling full, I'm giving good energy. And with that person, I can enjoy life together. I can support them and they support me. I started to think of friendship, well, this image came to me and I deal a lot in images, so forgive me, but I think of friendship as like two flowers in a garden blooming. I'm one type of flower doing my thing, say I'm a tulip, and my friend is a rose.

And they're being a rose blooming in the garden. And we are there to support and enjoy each other's blooming. And I know that sounds kind of corny, but it's an extremely helpful template for me to use when I'm assessing a friendship. And it's been such a helpful template that I've even asked other people.

as we're getting close, how they perceive friendship, what they think the rules of it are, because everyone has unconscious rules around friendship. Some people think of friendship as lifelong loyalty pacts. You are ride or die. You go with me no matter what I do. Others think of them as subtle competitions where they choose their friends to make them look good.

These unconscious friendship models generally come from some template in our family life growing up, either relationships we had with our parents or our siblings, and there are often some pretty weird power dynamics at play. So let's look at what you presented in your question. You offer a clue as to how you might perceive friendships or the expectations you have about them.

You mentioned that you were, quote, abandoned, unquote, when your friends moved into relationships or went to college. That's an interesting choice of words. So I ask you, was there a relationship in your life in which you felt abandoned, like in your family, and you see it as repeating now? Or did you see someone else be abandoned? It sounds like you're situating yourself

perhaps unconsciously, as sort of central to their lives and that they made this active decision to move beyond you, to leave you. And I wonder how accurate that actually is. Life is constantly changing and everyone is making some pretty selfish decisions in order to grow their lives. That's everyone's prerogative. And do those decisions sometimes impact other people? Sure.

But I don't believe my friends are meant to design their lives around me. You also don't mention if you followed up with them or did the work to keep the relationships going. Work is required in a friendship when big life changes happen and you want to maintain the connection. I've moved a lot in my life and...

There are, you know, a bunch of people that I have maintained connections with. Sometimes I only speak to them once every six months or once a year. But the connection remains and we know we can share with each other and open to each other and love each other just at a different rate. But when we go to this garden model that I offered before and accept that each person is nourished in ways way beyond our

the friendship, and that we're really just there to support and witness them fully being themselves. Well, that can be jarring, especially if you're carrying around a whole invisible version of your childhood household inside of you. But this model allows energy to move more freely and naturally. From this model, I'm less attached when I'm not invited to every party.

I'm not so clingy, and I don't really tolerate other people being clingy or trying to suck my soul for their needs. I feel less guilt. I realize not only is it not my job to save someone else, but it's actually not possible. And sure, do I help my friends? Can they lean on me? Am I there when things go wrong? Absolutely.

But that's really different than reaching into someone and getting your self-esteem from them or getting my sense of meaning or purpose from them. My job is to continually let myself be nourished in material and invisible ways and then to offer that good energy to the people around me. And guess what? I tend to get it back.

When I bring good energy to the party, I get it right back. And there's a real joy in that exchange and dignity because everyone gets to be themselves. So I ask you, Melissa, what are you doing to be good to yourself, to feed your own inner being? And you may have resistance to doing that work. Most of us do. But it's the work we all end up having to do.

to really have rich lives. Even the ancient Greeks said, know thyself. In Buddhism, one of the sayings is, peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. And there's also a saying within Buddhism, you can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself. And that person is not to be found anywhere.

My friend Bill, who's taking me to the tennis game, he says, there's only one of us here. And I understand in Western culture that we tend to shame this deep look at ourselves sometimes. And we consider loving ourselves selfish. But these are the laws of nature.

The rose gets to bloom and be a rose. The tulip gets to bloom and be a tulip. And they're not strangling each other or sucking each other's life forces in order to do that. So we each as individuals have to figure out how to bloom. And there's a lot of stuff in life like good food, good air, exercise, spiritual or deeply nourishing ideas and love.

that helps us feel full, but not love just from other people telling us that we're okay. There's bigger love than that. So we must take care of ourselves in order to bring something good to the table. And yes, friends are there for counsel and feedback and to be shoulders we cry on, but they are not our parents or gods or unpaid therapists. Friendships are the icing on the cake, but we're the cake.

So make sure it's in good shape to bring to the party. Melissa, I hope that helps. I know it was a big answer, but it's a big topic. I hope I gave you some food for thought. From Ryan. Hey Jess, just a random question. If you could instantly learn or master a skill, what would it be? I love this question. My first response would be tennis. I love watching tennis.

I'm a huge tennis fan. But when I've taken classes myself, I mean, I joke that I have spent 15 years in beginner two. And maybe it's not 15 years, but it's a long time. I can't seem to, you know, push the ceiling between beginner two and intermediate. And yet I don't really care. It's just fun to be on a court and get a workout without really noticing. But when I watch the greats play,

Oh man, I'm just stunned by their dexterity and reflexes and just the thinking, the on the spot thinking that goes into making these killer shots at insane angles and the power some of them have. It's just amazing. So yeah, if I could become Serena Williams overnight, that would be super fun.

So thank you for asking. And in fact, I'm going to the U.S. Open next week. This episode will come out after the U.S. Open, but I will have been at the men's semifinals. So I'm just over the moon that that's going to happen. So thanks to my friend Bill for letting me go with him. Thanks, Ryan, for that question. What's your secret superpower that you would learn overnight? Everybody, let's think about that. Okay, next from Anonymous.

Hi Jessica, I enjoyed the last mailbag episode, thank you, and wanted to get involved by asking your advice for my first date in a few weeks. I've only had one boyfriend before and we broke up just over six months ago. I feel like I'm now ready to start getting into the dating world again. I'm nervous and haven't been on a date ever before as me and my previous boyfriend were high school sweethearts.

Do you have any tips or advice for someone a bit shy and anxious? As I really like this guy and I want the date to go well. Uh, this is really sweet. And, uh, and I am no expert on dating. Not at all. However, that doesn't mean I don't have my opinions and probably some metaphors. So get ready. First of all, whenever we do something new and exciting, and I think this falls into that category,

you will experience an adrenaline wave. Nerves are normal. But I want to talk about how you can handle that adrenaline wave. I don't know if I've talked about this before, but I used to work a lot with actors using hypnosis. And we would work a lot on using hypnosis for auditions. And for every actor going into an audition, there's a set of nerves that have to be managed. And I call it the adrenaline wave.

And I would encourage actors to feel the adrenaline wave, not try and avoid it, not try and push it down, not try to deny that it's there. Because when we try and push down the nerves, they tend to get worse. We tend to then get like freaked out that we're freaked out. And you build the adrenaline wave into like an adrenaline tsunami.

But if you just know that it's there, you start to feel it happening and even relax around it or into it. You can kind of ride it like a surfer. You know, it's like in sleep magic when I make the suggestion that you take the sounds going on around you and let them take you deeper. It's sort of the same thing here. Feel the nerves and relax into them. Accept them.

They're part of this picture. And yes, you can actually feel nerves and allow your body to relax at the same time. Like your muscles becoming loose and limp as you feel the nerves. You can do that. I promise. And as you ride the adrenaline wave, it will subside. And then suddenly you'll just be on the date. Just being yourself.

Now, you may feel it again, but you ride it again. So that's tip number one. Don't try and tamp down the nerves. Don't try and judge the nerves. Don't whatever. Just ride it because your body will only deal with the adrenaline for so long. And then plop, you're sitting at a table with another person. And that's all that's happening.

In terms of wanting it to go well, I totally understand that. Oh, I so understand that. But I have a theory about relationships. And really the question is, what do I not have a theory about? But this has been an interesting theory to test in my life. I have a theory that relationships are kind of shot and in the can before they even begin.

Now, that's an old movie term, and young people may not recognize it. When people used to shoot movies, they would shoot a whole thing of film, you develop the film, and then the film would be put in this can, in this very low, shallow, like half an inch high metal can that then they would bring into projection rooms and put on projectors. So when a movie is shot and in the can, that means it's done. It's ready. It's ready to watch.

And when I say I think relationships are shot in the can before they even begin, what I mean is that relationships are their own organic things and we can't really make them or break them. I mean, even the stuff we do that appears to make or break them, the behavior that looks like, oh, that was it, that was a straw that broke the camel's back or I should have done that. If only I'd done that, I'd be with him.

Even that stuff comes from our deep inner natures that is generally beyond our control. I don't believe that there's any one conversation that can steer a relationship in a whole different direction than it would go otherwise. We are who we are, and the forces that connect us deeply with other people are moving way beyond the level of conscious control. So you can relax.

You guys are either meant to be and have a journey together. That kind of does itself, frankly. I mean, sure, you got to work, you got to help, you got to get your own stuff out of the way in order to make it happier or easier. But really, if you're going to go on a journey with someone, that's shot and in the can. That either is going to happen or it isn't. And you can't really make it happen. And if it's meant to happen, then you can't.

you know, you can't really stop it either. I mean, you know people who are in a relationship and they kind of want to break up and it takes them like 10 years to break up with somebody. That's because the relationship had its own beginning, middle, and end. And you can sit there 10 years before its natural end and go, I'm ready, I'm ready. But the icebergs that are coming apart take their own time. So on a date, you're seeing the tip of this person's iceberg.

And he's seeing the tip of your iceberg. But the underwater parts are what establish and have the relationship. That's what is either going to connect or it's not. And you really can't control that. And nor can he. So just be and relax. Because if this relationship has staying power, that will be revealed over time. Between the two of you. Being yourselves. On a practical note,

You might want to think about a couple of topics you'd be interested in discussing in case the conversation gets stilted or you get too nervous. Ask him questions. Notice if he's asking questions of you. And try to use your sleep magic techniques to relax into the moment. Because the more relaxed you become, the more relaxed he will become. Or you're giving him energetic permission to relax. Because he's nervous too.

And there's either natural chemistry between you or there isn't. And that's no one's fault. So have fun. Hopefully you make each other laugh and help each other just be yourselves. Because that's what gets revealed over time anyway, is yourself. And there's no escaping it. Finally, dating helps us learn things.

We learn about ourselves and our issues. We learn about other people and what's going on inside of them. We learn real skills in terms of communication and self-care, boundaries, and, you know, courage. It's a big, fun, and often uncomfortable adventure. So be gentle with yourself. Relax as much as you can. Be gentle with these people that you're learning with.

even through all that adrenaline and see what surprises are in store. I'm sure there'll be some good ones and let us know how it goes. So this is from, this next question is from Anonymous. Being a stay-at-home mom is so unfulfilling to me. Hey Jess, I've been a stay-at-home mom for 10 months now and I'm grateful because I know that's more than most people get.

But honestly, I can't wait to return to work. I feel so lost as a person. I'm deeply lonely at home and every day feels like the same. I'm always welcoming the added stress of work. I need something other than sleep schedules and bottles and baby talk in my life.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sending this. And that's where we'll leave it for today's free version of the mailbag episode. If you want to unlock the extended version of this episode, become a subscriber and join us over on Team Magic in just two taps on Apple Podcasts or visit sleepmagic.supercast.com.

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If you have questions you'd like me to respond to in the next mailbag, please send them to hello at sleepmagic.fm or use the Ask Me Anything feature on the Supercast link in the show notes. And remember, you can ask me anything, whether it's about a personal issue, something you're curious about, or just a life question. I'm here to share my thoughts, opinions, experiences, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Don't forget to leave a review or a comment wherever you listen to this show to let me know what you think of the episode. Your feedback is invaluable. Okay, I won't keep you any longer. Some of you might be ready to drift off. Sleep well and have a great night.