friendship breakups
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Good morning, everybody. Welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, I'm whispering because there's a group of builders right next to my car. I'm quite horrified about it, but I am kind of... It's also like 9am, hence I feel crunchy. I hope I don't look it, but I feel crunchy. Should I get this fucking steering wheel out my shop? Maybe. All right, there we go. No more steering wheel. I have a genuine question to ask.

Do you guys hate the car? Is it hard or annoying or ugly to watch a podcast when someone's sat in their car? Please tell me. Please be honest. I really won't be offended. I'm getting a new car in the next three weeks. And I am in between getting something a little bit more functional or something a little bit more fun. Because I'm like, do they want me to film in the car? Please tell me. Because if there's ever a time to switch up my set, it's now.

So let me know because I am in the in the throes of getting a new car. Yes. Also, next topic, I'm becoming more posh again, and I hope that you guys can hear it.

that I've been refining my British accent because people always tell me that I'm getting an American accent and I could never understand why. And then I kind of got it and I realized it's not an American accent because the thing with me is I only mimic accents that I really want to have. Like if I go up to the north of England and hang out with my friend Millie, like I'm coming home northern and it takes me like a week to adjust back to being not

a fake northerner. When I went to New Zealand, I really almost developed a New Zealand accent as well. Obviously developed is the wrong word. I'm just mimicking because I think that they're hot and sexy and I want to be just like them.

Also, I hate the lighting in this car. God, fuck, maybe it's time for a new set. Okay. And then, when I worked at that ranch in America, I was with some Australian girls. Nearly stole their accents too, in fact. And at times I did, and I was like, I hope they're not noticing because I keep accidentally saying words like them. And it's really embarrassing. Like, I'm self-aware, don't worry. The thing is, without being rude...

I don't like the American accent. Like, I don't think someone is cooler for having an American accent. I'm so sorry. If I meet an Australian, I'm like, God, interesting. Like, you really speak different than me. You know, like, that's so cool. Like, who taught you that? Like, how did you learn to speak differently?

Because we're saying the same words, but you just like, they're kind of different in your head. That's so intriguing. It's to me more intriguing than a foreign language because I'm just like, but it's the same, but you're different. I don't know. I love the Australian accent. When I hear an American accent, I'm like, you.

used to it because it's always on TV and it's on my phone all the time. I don't even perceive it as an accent. I don't know if I'm crazy. When I hear it in the UK, I perceive it as an accent. When I'm in the US, I have an accent to myself. I literally can hear that I'm speaking with an accent and it's so weird because this is my default. This is just going to fuel the fire of we fake our accents debacle. But when I'm in America, I don't think, oh my God, everyone around me has this crazy accent like I did when I was in New Zealand. I just thought like, I have an accent, which is really interesting.

But my point is, let me close this. I don't like the lighting this morning. It's 9am. I don't feel hot or sexy and the light is so harsh. That might have made it worse or whatever. Anyway, so yeah.

Just don't find the American accent because I'm not that intrigued by the American accent because I hear all the time. I never go into developing it. Like I've been in L.A. for like two months before and I didn't even catch a twang. Like nothing. I don't want I don't. It's not appealing to me to mimic them because it's just not a fun, cool accent. Like it's like to me, Americans speak in italics. And if you know, you know, like they just speak in italics and we're in like Times New Roman condensed and in bold, maybe not bold.

Something about Times New Roman, though, definitely. But they're in, like, Comic Sans Italic, and it's a compliment. When everyone was accusing me of developing an American accent, they were like, it's because she spends so much time in the US and, like, all her friends are American. No, wrong, okay? Because I would know. I always know when I'm stealing someone else's accent.

and I wasn't stealing the American ones I was like what the fuck is going on and I couldn't even hear it when I was doing it I was like I think I'm literally losing my mind then I realized it's not the American accent that I'm stealing because I'm stealing my friend T's voice if you've heard T speak she was on a few episodes of Pretty Lonesome she has an international school accent and if you have heard one of those then you know what I'm talking about I don't know how to explain it to you if you haven't heard one before but

I admire T, I think she's cool, I think that she speaks with an accent and I think her accent is cute and I spend a lot of time with her and it just didn't register in my head that when I mimic her, which I probably am doing without even realising it, like I'm becoming more like her because we spend every fucking day of our lives together, that she has like kind of an American accent and I'm probably stealing it a little bit. Fuck me.

So I've had to consciously stop. And I've literally been around like my old friends. Like I've been home for the last like two weeks because actually that's such a fucking lie. But I've been home a lot more. I've been around my sister more because she's visiting from New Zealand and she's really posh. And then I don't even know why she speaks as posh as she does. We've always spoke quite differently and I have no idea why. I had the accent I have now in this podcast until I was like 11. And then I went to secondary school and I don't know what happened.

happened to me but I started to speak like um in a way I don't speak like I was I had like the only way I can describe it is like I was almost like cockney and I don't know why

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But I look back at some, like, of my old videos, and I'm like, what the actual fuck was I doing? Like, why do I have such... And I didn't even know I had it at the time. I just must have, like, mimicked my friend's accents. I don't know. I hate my hair. Sorry, it's... Oh, do you guys like my extensions? Whoa. They're really pissing me off right now. Anyways, I realize I'm stealing T's accent, and that was why I was going American, so I've been hanging around my sister and her friends who still speak...

posh as fuck. And I've regained it because I was like, it's also, I hadn't lost my, I hadn't lost my British accent, but there was like, it's more about mannerisms because I think Americans have really specific like mannerisms in the way they speak, like where they lengthen their words, where they shorten their words, like how they drag out certain syllables. Like that's what I was doing more than, um,

having an American accent. Because I was like, I fucking don't have an accent. Like, that was making me go insane. And then I realized it was more that I was, like, speaking like an American without having an accent. But I had a little twinge. Whatever, I get it, okay? We're fixing it. It's actually kind of... I'm screaming. I got in this car and I was like, I'm going to be so quiet because there's all these builders next door and it's already embarrassing that I have to sit with a fucking microphone and look crazy. So I'll just be really quiet so they can't hear me through the glass as I sit here fucking yelping, yodeling, screaming, shrieking.

shut the fuck up um I'm gonna tell you guys something um devastating and then we'll move on quickly and I don't say devastating in a humorous context I actually mean devastating so I was going through my notes up recently and I was looking for a password to my fucking delta app and I I typed in certain keywords that I thought would bring up a password for delta because I remembered the phase of my life in which I made the password and certain people that I was around and like

the passwords I was using at the time were always, it's always the bitch I'm dating's dog. I can always tell what era of my life I was in when I made an account by, well, he's trying to steal my information. Anyways, unfortunately, um,

the timeline glitched and I got drawn in to a note that I wrote in 2020. Hey, we'll read it to you now. But like, brace yourself because this shit actually made me want to fucking vomit. This was a message that I wrote when I first ever had a breakup with a friend. Horrendous. I'm going to read it to you now. And I was only 19. Was I 18? I wrote this in 2020. I have no idea. I can't do maths, but I was young, basically. Right, here we go. Hi.

My ex.

was very hard and hurts a lot but losing you has been the hardest part. I don't really understand your choice. It's making me feel a bit crazy like I'm missing something like I've manipulated myself into thinking I'm not a bad person. Please can you point out if you think I'm in the wrong because it's driving me crazy like I'm missing something. If it's not that deep and you just wanted to keep your friends I understand. If you woke up and decided our friendship wasn't what you wanted anymore...

I get it. People outgrow people. It's fine, whatever your reasoning is, but I would just massively appreciate some answers here because not knowing is so much worse and I'm going in circles and I need to begin healing and the process would just go a lot quicker if I knew the truth. I can't keep wondering and blaming myself. If the truth is that you literally find me annoying and stupid, don't hold back.

Please tell me. I don't care what it is. I just need to know so I can accept and move forward. I really have loved the years of friendship we had. Will always appreciate everything you did for me over the years. And I don't hold anything against you. Shit happens. I just need to know.

Bitch. When I stumbled upon that in my notes app, I genuinely sat with my jaw on the floor for about 35 minutes. It is... Um... Fuck. My grandma's behind me again. Why does this keep happening? Except it's my other one. It's my dad's mum. Oh my fucking god. This is so stressful. I'm not about to explain what this is. I know she doesn't know I have a podcast. And I am on a time crunch. I can't have a... Oh fuck. Okay, let's just hope she doesn't see me. Right now she's struggling to parallel park. Anyway.

My jaw was on the ground for like 35 minutes minimum because, first of all, you can hear that I was like 18 or 19 when I wrote that. Just, you can just hear it. And it's not like 100 years have passed since then, but I feel like in this phase of life, you do so much growing so quickly that reading that, I'm like, oh, that was a kid. Like, that was a kid who was just hurt and like crying on the floor and just like begging for something, like a help. That's what that text was to me, it was just like a help.

Anyway, not here to trauma dump about that message in particular because it was a few years ago and things like that are very useful to me because it reminds me why I was as crazy as I was because that was how hurt I felt. Now, when I look back at that situation at the age I'm at with the life experience I've had with the frontal lobe that I've since developed, I'm like,

contextually I may have overreacted may have contextually and may have critical words may have slightly had a big response to what had happened in my life and it's easy to then discount what I felt as a response and things that I still do to this day because of what these bitches did because there's other things I look back on that happened in my teenage years and I'm like no that was exactly as big of a deal as it fucking felt thank you

This one, I'm like, it was my first friendship loss. It was my first friendship lying and confusion and betrayal situation. And it was major to me. Like, this shit rocked my fucking world. Looking back, I'm like, but that's only because I endured that, that I can look back on it and be like, oh, that's no biggie. Could do it tomorrow. Couldn't, by the way. Wouldn't want to. But it got me thinking about friendship loss in general. Because it wasn't...

something I didn't realize I had an area of fucking expertise in it apparently I do because I then delved even deeper into my notes app from that year and I was like oh my god what the actual fuck

and it got me thinking I I would say with caution that losing a friend is often harder or equally as hard we'll just say equally as hard as losing a relationship here's why I say that that note that I just read you that was during a breakup from an ex and at the same time one of the people that I considered like an old friend like a very valuable friend to me like very treasured friend I like

broke up with them both at the same time but me breaking up I broke up with one the other one broke up with me it was so sad um oh it's my sister and my nan sorry they're going line dancing by the way if you can see the commotion going on in the background they're going nine dancing so fucking jealous can't go to line dancing can go to Milan so unfair but anyway it was a very very very ugly situation and now looking back I kind of get I understand it a little bit more than I did at that age and I really hold it like

Like, it's not really a thing for me anymore. Like, I kind of see why things happened and, like, everyone was very young and whatever. Like, I don't really care. I just cared for, like, five minutes when I read that text because I saw how much pain I was in and I had forgotten how much pain I was in. So I was like, fucking...

But realistically, I don't give a fuck. And I wish them both well. By the way, I don't actually care anymore what was years ago. It's kind of giving you care. It's kind of giving wounded, actually. So I kind of lost them both at the same time. One I had broken up with and then the other breakup kind of just happened as a byproduct.

And as time went on, I did realize I'm really only sad about losing my friend. Why? Because in my mind, especially in my teenage mind, relationships aren't supposed to last forever. And I stand by that now. I'm still not at a point in my life where I want to get fucking married. I'm a child. So...

I'm not dating to marry. Now, equally, I'm not dating to break up, but I'm just not dating to do anything. I'm dating to have life experience, to have fun with you. I'm dating because I like you. And I'm dating because we're here right now. There's nothing deeper to it for me. I've never been someone to think that

in order for something to be worth my time, it has to be forever or it has to end in marriage or it has to, like, I could get married for 50 years and get a fucking divorce and I can't speak for her because it hasn't happened and I hope it doesn't happen, to be fair. It sounds painful, but I just can't see myself thinking that that was a waste of time as long as I had fun.

You know? I've never understood when people get out of a relationship and they're like, I want my fucking time back. Why? You lived it. Like, the years I spend with anyone. Like, those are my years. They're not our years. They weren't your years. They were mine. Like, you were part of my story. Maybe not forever. Why would I want anything back? You know? Like, those years don't have your name on them. You're just somewhere in there. And it's so weird. I don't know. I've just never had that mindset, I guess. Hey, Fidelity. Hey.

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So basically, I don't date to marry, especially not when I was 19, 18. However, the friendships I've had throughout my life, I have always wanted to marry them. Like, I have never really had a friend where I'm like, yeah, I see this lasting for a couple years, tops. No, like everyone I make friends with, you bitches are in it forever now. I love you. Like, I, for some reason, find it weird

significantly easier to make great choices in the friendship department than I do in the relationship department. No idea why. It's very concerning to me because all my friends, almost, that I've had throughout my entire life, almost, I say almost, why am I, I feel like Donald Trump when I do this, almost. Anyway, almost all my friends I've had throughout my life have been friends

good people. And maybe we fell out, but they were good people. We didn't fall out because they were crazy. You know what I mean? I didn't have to cut them off because they were toxic. Almost everyone I have had in my life in that way has been good. And so I'm like, I don't know what comes over me. When choosing a potential mate, I must have something funky going on in my nose where I smell bad pheromones and I'm like, yes, perfect. I really don't know. It's very confusing to me. But when I...

make a friendship like to me that's for life it doesn't have to be but I wouldn't be scared of it if it was whereas a relationship um yes I like you baby but I just am not ready to have a relationship right now that's me that's me imagine the worst man you know that's me I have I'm a commitment phobe I don't know sorry

So not only am I not dating to marry, I'm actively dating to break up at all times. I don't know what else to say. The idea of staying with someone throughout more than one era of my life is so nauseating to me. Like, genuinely horrifying. And I've been in positions before where I'm like, I love you so much. I don't ever want to break up. I could see us getting married with, like...

Like a big pinch of salt. But it doesn't last. And I'm always sentient throughout that feeling of like, no, I don't want to marry this person because I'm a baby. Like I'm... What the fuck? I just always know this is not... Even if we get married, we're going to break up first. Because I'm not done. With friendships, I do expect them to last indefinitely. We don't have to last forever. But I want to like... I don't know. I want to know you for a really long time. That's just how I feel about all my friends always have. There's never an expiry date in my head. And so...

this was the first time that I had lost someone that I was friends with and not only was I friends with them I had been friends with them since I was like seven and I thought so highly of this person and I still do I still think that she is one of the kindest people again pinch of salt but like she's

She was. I feel like as kids, you really know someone a lot better than maybe as an adult because their soul is so much more like on show and things come along over the years and the ego gets bigger and the personality gets more wretched in some cases. But I feel like if I knew your soul, if I knew you when we were kids and you were good, I believe you still are with a pinch of salt.

But I believe you still are. So that's why I'm like, let me not actually say anything about this girl because I just hope she's good. Like, I don't know what else to say, you know? But I so truly thought she was this person, like this good person, that again, I still think she is. Me now, Misa in this car right now, I still think she is. But all that girl ripped away from me because I had lost a friend through...

something that didn't make sense to me. Like what had happened, just I couldn't make it make sense in my head. And that was why I sent her that message of like, please tell me if you think I'm evil, because I'm trying to figure out what happened in my life. And I just can't understand it because my context is telling me that I'm not evil. Just losing a friend without understanding why was really confusing to me. And obviously in that note,

That's me asking her, like, please tell me why. Because I'm so hurt about the fact that I've lost you and I just don't understand why. And I'm trying to figure it out and I must be a bad person because the only way to protect her image of the person I always believed her to be, which was this very, very good person, was to come to the conclusion that...

I was evil and had done something very wrong over the years I've looked back at the situation and I've realized that no one was evil and I certainly wasn't and probably the reason why she decided not to be my friend was a million different things and I kind of understand 50% of them

And maybe I understand 100% of them. And maybe I should just know that and just move on with it. I wanted so badly to protect who I thought she was. And not just for her sake, but because at the time in my life, I was really freaking out about perception. Because I realized that I couldn't control the way anyone was perceiving me. And that when someone was telling a lie about me, there was nothing I could do to clear my name of that lie, to make my...

or to speak my truth in any way, because I literally physically couldn't. Like no one was listening to me. No one was speaking to me. And no one was going to believe me, even if they believed what I was saying. It was, no one was going to care, because it just wasn't that deep to anyone else. Unfortunately, it was that deep to me. So I think that's why I was so trying to

damage control my perception of her in my head because I just couldn't understand that I'd been wrong about someone. I didn't want to look back and say this person that I thought was like so kind and so good and so loving all these years was actually someone who doesn't care. It felt like my friend was watching me get fucked up in a boxing ring and all she had to do was say one sentence and the whole thing would stop.

and she just wouldn't say it maybe because she just didn't fancy it maybe just because she couldn't be bothered or maybe because she was afraid the sumo wrestler would come for her or maybe because she just didn't even think that what was going on in the boxing ring was wrong and she thought it was a fair fight I don't know what happened to this day I don't really know now with some time and perspective I also don't care because I see so many other things about the situation and I'm just like

Again, it really was only that deep to me. It was the first time I'd had to really wrestle with someone's perception of me being wrong and out of my control, if not even wrong, just out of my control. Well, it had always been out of my control. It was the first time I was aware of it. And because I'd lost a friend, I really didn't understand that...

a lot of my pain at the time and a lot of my anguish around just the entire thing in general and why I had such a big reaction it wasn't because I'd broken up with my ex if I'm gonna be very honest with you guys because I'd lost a friend I think that was actually the most painful part of the entire situation for me it wasn't the relationship that I had left it wasn't the it was not it was just her and I go back in my notes up and I look at the time now and I'm like

There's nothing to my ex. There's no letters to my ex. There's no communication. It's just her. She was the only thing that really got to me. And I didn't even know at the time. I thought I was sad about everything. And I was. But looking back, it's so much clearer to me. Really, the main focus of that time in my life for me was the friend that I had lost because I just couldn't

bear to imagine that someone that I thought had loved me for 10 years it's not like you can't be my friend anymore because you want to go fuck someone else that doesn't happen it's not like you can't be my friend anymore because you want to have another friend that you've met and you really like

That also doesn't happen. Like, you don't leave me because you met someone else if you're my friend. I get to stay. That's why they are so much easier than fucking relationships because you don't have to pick me over anyone or anyone over me. I just get to be here and witness your life. And that's my favorite way to love someone is just to witness them. So I think that's why it hurt more to lose a friend than a relationship because...

because I also just expect more from my friends. I expect, maybe this is just a reflection of my dating choices, but I respect significantly less selfishness. I expect, I don't know, I can't really word the difference between what I do and don't expect. But at the time, I think why it was so hard for me to understand why I was so upset was because you don't hear it spoke about as much when

when you think breakup, you think relationship, you don't think friendship. And I think that's where I went really wrong because looking back at these notes apps, looking back at my notes app, it is very apparent to me that...

The main thing that just completely broke my heart was the loss of my friend and the confusion as to me being wrong. Because it was the first time I had been truly, truly... Oh, actually it wasn't. It was the second, but whatever. It was one of the first times in my life where I had been so wrong about someone that I felt like my world shifted. And that's very scary to feel at a young age. But I also remember one night... Oh God, this is devo- devastating. I remember one night...

I actually wrote down that I felt like I had fallen into an alternative timeline in another universe and that in my old universe and my old timeline, my friends still loved me and I still had my friendships and everything still made sense. And the only conclusion I could come up with as to why things happened the way they happened was because I just literally shifted timelines.

Timelines. These are not my friends. I've actually only just met them because my body isn't new in this timeline, but I am. I just got here. I switched somehow. And these people were always bad. And I'm just confused because I came from somewhere, an alternative timeline where they're good. I must have switched and I bet they're missing me in the old one. Guys, when I tell you this literally made me go fucking crazy. I am not joking. It hurt me so bad because...

because I didn't understand. And now when I look back on it, I realize there's no grand reason why anyone did any of the things they did. It was just more to the point we were really young and inexperienced and kind of stupid and a little bit selfish, all of us combined. And when it comes down to really why, I think it was more just something I couldn't accept at the time. Why doesn't she want to be my friend? She just doesn't care. You're in

agony over here and she doesn't know and she knows you're hurting but she doesn't really give a fuck and she's got her own reasons whether they're right or wrong doesn't really matter she has them and they outweigh your pain and her your pain is not on show for her the way that you think it is that's as deep as it goes like

Looking back, it really does just go down to, it just was never as, it was just very painful for me. And probably no one could have anticipated that. Like, I don't think, I don't think this girl knew how much I loved her, first and foremost. I think that was her biggest mistake was she disliked,

didn't see that her doing what she did would have had the effect it had on me that's the best way I can put it her main mistake I think her main underestimation was how much I loved her it wasn't even that I loved her well I did and I do still but losing a friend especially like an old friend is just like losing a chunk of your soul because more than relationships I think friends friends like

create you. Like if I felt like I was who I was because of a partner I had had, I would think, fucking hell, there's probably a name for that in a psychology book. But when I think about the fact that my friends create me and who I am, that feels loving. And again, potentially a reflection of my dating choices. But I don't mind letting a friend literally climb up inside my ribcage and rearrange stuff.

like if that's done over the course of five to ten years that doesn't scare me like that feels like how life should be that feels loving to me but like that's what's valuable about friends friends for me because they're long-term they're gentle they grow with you you ebb and flow and they kind of build you up to be who you are and losing the person who did that or becoming or

or starting to have a negative relationship to the person who did that for you and who witnessed a lot of your life. Like a lot of this stuff is just these people are witnesses, which is a really special thing to have. When you lose that, I literally felt like I was walking around

without shoes on. I was like, if so much of me is you and suddenly you are this person I don't recognize and you're mean and you're cruel and you're someone I wouldn't be friends with and you're someone who doesn't seem to love me, then what does that make me? Because half of me is you, bitch. Like, what the fuck? You've been my best friend since I was seven and now I'm supposed to hate you because you fucked me over?

Well, that's a problem because my literal lungs have your name engraved on them. I don't know what else to tell you, bitch. It's so much deeper than you could possibly imagine. I take my friendships so fucking seriously. Like, I will never relax over a lost friendship. Lost relationships to me are like the creme de la creme. Every time I get out of a relationship, I'm like, no, that's not true. I literally nearly off myself every time. But then I'm like, yes, life experience and...

I don't know, I'm just like, that was meant to happen. You know? I don't sit and lament over why they didn't like me. Like, when I get out of a relationship, I'm just like, yeah, that was meant to happen. I don't know, like, that was always going to happen. Duh. When I get out of, like, a friendship...

It's, oh God, I'll never stop. I will never stop wondering about you. For some reason, when I get out of a situationship, it's kind of like the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. But that's for another time.

Also, because I'm cursed and I literally can't move on from anything ever, apparently, I will never stop thinking about people that I've been friends with. One time I had this friendship with this girl and it was very short-lived, I'll be honest with you. The most short-lived friendship I think I've ever had. In fact, I think it's the only friendship, maybe there was two or three, where I've actually like...

cut you off like I can't do you anymore you're a bad person god no actually there's more than two or three because I did go through a phase after this whole love letter writing malarkey this whole confusion this whole loss of self and best friend I went in a spiral and I was like no one will ever hurt me again

And I will... I was like, I misjudged her, right? I was like, I misjudged who she was and that was my fault and I'm so hurt about it. I will make sure it never happens again. And here's how. I will implement boundaries. By the way, I first learned the word boundary when I was 20. How fucked is that? But anyway...

I was like, I'm going to implement boundaries and these boundaries will stop me getting hurt and they're going to be really strict. And if you cross them more than once, I'll just cut you off. And then that way I'll never get hurt again because I'll only have perfect people in my life. And you can imagine how lonely I became imminently. I cut a lot of people off during that phase of my life and they weren't really like important people to me. Like I was at university, so like I didn't really know most of them anyway, but I was like, I can't hang out with this person anymore. They're evil.

And it was just fear. And then I figured out how to work around boundaries and how to implement them correctly and how to make them work for me and how to make sure that they aren't coming from a place of fear, etc. But I did cut a lot of people off at one point in my life. Anyways, I once had such a short-lived friendship with this girl because you guys know I have fear of germs, right? And sorry, no one probably actually knows that. I have a fear of puke and...

in and of that is like a fear of germs and like dirty stuff I guess and it's a lot better now but it was really really bad when I was at school and I was like and all my friends knew about it they kind of had to because it was like it was not something I could hide like it it came up a lot and so my friend knew about this and she knew how bad it affected me and I still don't know why she used to do this I it's not deep to me I just like look back and I'm like what the fuck this

This bitch used to go to the toilet and wash her hands. And then she would come out and she would flick me with like the water. Like she would never dry them. Gross. And I'd be like, stop doing that. Like, I'm scared of that water because even though you just washed your hands, it's not clean. Your hands aren't fucking completely bacteria free. And now you've just flicked poo water on me, in my opinion, because I have OCD. Like, what are you fucking thinking? Yeah.

And it would really stress me out. Wasn't very good for speaking up for myself at the time though. And then she started fucking... I would be yawning and she developed this habit of seeing me yawn and then sticking her fingers in my mouth, like on my tongue. If you've watched all of my podcast episodes, maybe you know this. I, when I eat food, if it's finger food, for example, a cracker, I would hold it like this and then I would eat... And then I would... The bit that I'm holding of the cracker, I throw it away because then it's like...

I'm not getting the finger germs in my mouth. Now, I don't even know if this technique works. I'm inclined to think it at least slightly works because I'm thinking germs can't like move that quick. I don't know. Anyways, that is how I eat. It's how I...

It's how I've always eaten. And everyone knows it about me. And everyone... I don't know. Like, all my friends just know this about me. It's not exactly a subtle thing to do. Because I would always get what we call finger bits of everything I ate. And it's always a perk for my friends because they always get some of my food. Because there's always going to be finger bits. Most of my friends think it's an endearing quality. Anyways...

She obviously saw an opportunity to try and make me go fucking crazy and she would stick her fingers in my mouth. And a couple of times I asked like, could you please, please, please stop doing that? You know that this like actually genuinely hurts.

Could make me, you know, lock myself in my room for a week straight because I'm so scared that you've just given me an illness, an incurable disease through your fingers. And I'm so convinced that you've given me an incurable disease that I might have to now drive myself to the hospital. Like, this isn't funny for me, okay? It's a serious issue. And she found it fucking hilarious and I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Genuinely, what?

what is wrong with you and one time she did it and I was already having an anxious day and she did it to me and I like just on the spot had a panic attack and started crying and I usually never cry when I have panic attacks but when it's in front of other people my response is to cry I don't know why it's always my response is if I'm in public and I'm overwhelmed the emotion to come out of me is tears but when I'm alone I never cry really weird

Anyway, I remember sitting outside, stopping my eyes out and being like, I can't believe like I'm so anxious. I think I'm literally going to have to be like housebound again for like a full week because I think because it was so terrifying to me that her fingers have been in my mouth because I was like, there's germs on those. I was like, I'm going to literally have to go home and like stay inside for a week.

And the mind you that she saw this go that she saw this happen, like the process, the the panic attack, everything. And she was like, anyway, and then I cut her off. And I cited that as a reason for like, why we couldn't be friends anymore. And then actually, I don't think we ever spoke again. I think that was just it.

She didn't seem like she liked me very much, to be fair, so it was probably for the best. I'm pretty sure she told everyone the reason we stopped being friends was because I replaced her with my girlfriend at the time, which is just actually fucking offensive, to be frank. But whatever. Enough lamenting on my old situations. But yeah, to conclude, I think that friendship losses are significantly painful. Sometimes more painful than a relationship loss, and I think that the lack of recognition that that is the case, and the lack of spoken faith in relationships

friendships and their their effects and their their qualities is kind of hard to deal with when you're going through something like losing a friend because I think if it was more talked about and how hard it can be and I think if female friendships are given a little bit more

appreciation in just general like in the public eye I think when something like that happens when you fall out with a friend you lose a friend you cut a friend off whatever and there's subsequent pain from that decision then it would be less isolating to deal with and you would not do what I do and go fucking insane because I couldn't figure out what was bothering me and I didn't know have the words for it and I didn't know why I felt the way I did and now I'm just like well

It's very simple. You were confused and you felt betrayed and you were lost and you missed your friend. And you wanted her to just tell you, like, it's okay. It made me really sad to read that note because, like I said, I did forget. I forgot, like...

the pain I was in because it's, I think it's just the human condition is just to forget because you don't want to remember. Like it's hard, like learn the lesson and then move on. And I think that is probably the best way forward because when I read that message, I did not like the feeling that I got in my chest. I'll be completely honest with you. Love didn't love it. But I think it was important for me to stumble across because a lot of the time I look back during phases of my life, especially when I was a teenager and I'm like, yeah, I was fucking crazy. Sorry about that. And

You know, it's true. Like, I wouldn't react that way now, but that's because I'm not 19. Like, I wasn't crazy then. It was just my perception was different. Maybe I'm crazy now. Maybe I'm apathetic. I don't know. It's lovely here. I like it much more. It's much more relaxing to be whatever it is that I am now. But, like, I'm so glad that I've always written things down because it means I can always go back and remember what happened because it's so easy to forget what actually happened. Like, what did you do to me? Why do I feel this way? Like, why am I struggling in my new friendship?

to trust her, you know? Why do I feel like the girl that I'm best friends with now, at this phase of my life, is just waiting for the door to open, for her to steal all my jewelry and all my shoes, and then she's going to leave, and then tell everyone that's her shoes and her jewelry. That makes no sense. And I'm not talking about shoes and jewelry, obviously. But I think I had been kind of going through life not...

really remembering why I feel the way I feel. Something that happened in my life recently that I'm not going to talk about forced me to confront my issue with trusting my friends and my issue with betrayal because I have a big issue with betrayal. When I get betrayed, I really struggle with it. I really struggle with it because it just it digs up a lot for me. There's been some interesting actually, it's like a theme in my life. What the fuck?

I feel like betrayal has been a big consistent theme for me, but it's only happened like three times. But every time it's been like major life event kind of thing. That's probably why I have a big issue with betrayal. Hello. Anyway, it was nice to stumble upon this note and remember that I went through what I went through with that because...

Because even though now, looking back, like I say, it's not that deep and I really don't hold any grudges or too many emotions in general about the situation, I think. Because I can look at it for what it really was, which is when I'm not living it, it's just not that deep. Well, it was that deep, kind of. I always go back and forth. But it's easy to forget.

Because you grow and you deal with harder things on the fucking daily. And you're like, why did I have such a crazy response when this happened? And then you got to go back and have her tell you, this is my fucking pain. Look at it.

And then you're like, oh. Because when you really think about it, pain is just relative, right? Physical pain is relative to your pain tolerance. You're going to have a physical different experience of pain if someone stabs you relative to your pain tolerance. So it's actually just a different experience. It's completely regardless of the wound that's inflicted. Someone with a scratch might feel just as much pain as someone who was just genuinely stabbed and injured.

the pain would be the same. It's nothing to do with the experience. Obviously, that wouldn't actually happen because it's very different. But like, you get what I mean. It's the experience that matters. It's not what actually happened. So it's too easy, I think, to get wrapped up in the who and the why and the where and the how and the context of it all and forget the fact that

the pain was just what it was and it doesn't matter what really happened. It just matters that there was a point in my life when that was the level of left and betrayed and lonely I felt and that is why that feeling follows me and it's not

worth discounting it just because I look back and think well they had their reasons and well it wasn't that deep and well I was just young and and you know there's all these different pieces of context that comes together doesn't fucking matter matters in a court but it doesn't matter for my purposes which is just to be peaceful within my body and in order to do that I just have to look back at certain experiences and be like god yeah that was really really difficult fucking hell sucked it's

It sucked when I went through that. I felt so lonely and I felt so like, I don't know, a child tugging on their parents leg because they're crying because they got hurt and their parents just like on the phone. I think that surmises my 19th year of life. That was how I felt. And that feeling follows me daily, haunts me. It haunts me because I really haven't probably dealt with it because I just got busy. I don't know. Like what? Fuck off. I don't want to deal with it.

And I don't, genuinely don't care. But like, I'm not going to deal with it, by the way. Because once I finally hit a therapist's office, I have much more pressing matters. Maybe we'll get to this betrayal, you know, 75 sessions down the line. But right now, I don't even have a therapist. And I don't even have a therapist right now. So no point talking about this because I'm on a tangent. I don't know.

Anyways, thanks for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Sorry that it was slightly gut-wrenching. If you're going through the loss of a friendship, I'm sorry. It really sucks and I hope that you can find some consolation in the comments section or, I don't know, in this video. I love you and I will see you guys next week.

for another episode of Pretty Lonesome. Now, if you've made it this far, I do have one last thing to tell you, a little gift, if you will. Pretty Lonesome has just come to the end of season one. Now, I hear the chorus ask, will there be season two of Pretty Lonesome? The answer is yes. Pretty Lonesome season two is coming. That's all I'm going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you when. I'm not going to tell you how. I didn't even know podcasts had seasons. I'm learning so much. Anyways, I'll let you... You'll know when it's time. You'll think, where's season two? Is anything going to change?

Well, I'm not telling you, but you'll know when you know.

You'll know when it's time to know. You know what I mean? So anyways, I love you guys so much. Thank you for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Sorry that I just kind of ranted and rambled about something that happened to me a bajillion years ago. Took my ADT meds this morning and I don't feel anything. Also, little meds update if you care. I got prescribed like fucking triple the dose that I was already on. And you guys know about these little aura rings. They like track your heart rate and your like stress levels and what

whatever the fuck during the day so i think i have to come off this medication because i'm gonna show you that you see how it's all red so that sits at about 150 beats per second beats per minute second fucking hell and then uh it's just always like this this is a day when i didn't take my meds you see how it's blue and green this is a day where i did take my meds so naturally god fucking hell um

Naturally, I'm a bit concerned about my cardiovascular system and my blood pressure. I think I have to come off of them. I'm going to try a different kind, but I'm going to send this aura shit to my doctor and just be like, is this of immediate concern to you? And she'll probably say, yes, obviously. And I'll go, okay. In other news, I have been diagnosed as anemic. Do you even get a diagnosis? My blood work came back anemic yesterday.

I'm saying this like it's news and I'll tell you why. I got this diagnosis like two years ago and I ignored it because I thought, alright, anemia, who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? Turns out that means that my brain is like kind of getting starved of oxygen.

I don't know why when I heard the word anemia and obviously iron deficiency, I was just like, oh, that's fine. You know, might be a bit more tired and like other stuff like that. Because, you know, I just reckon I'm deficient in everything. I'm like, well, yeah, fuck it. Iron deficiency, vitamin D deficiency, fucking vitamin C deficiently. Probably like I don't take my vitamins. Of course I'm iron deficient. You know, I never thought to Google the impact of being iron deficient turns out.

rather deadly actually and rather impairing like this shit is like very bad for you so don't know why I look I've just been like yeah fuck it anemia let's go you know add it to the list no no this is a depressing matter get some fucking iron supplements what's wrong with you so I googled for some reason my legs bruise really easily and I was on holiday with my family recently and they were like are you okay like where have you been and I was like no my legs just haven't looked like this my whole life

But I never hit them. It's very strange. Like, I'm never hurting my legs. Like, they're just always, like, black and blue. And when I tell you guys, like, at any given moment, I have, like, 10 to 15 bruises across my legs. I'm not kidding you. I... It's really scary. But I've just... I've just always been that way. And then my sister was like, are you anemic? And I was like, yeah. She was like, you know, this is really bad. Like, I was like, yeah, but it's just bruising. Like, I don't care about bruising. And she was like, no, no, but think about the consequences. Like...

why are you bruising and how is that affecting your entire body? And I was like, oh, and I don't know why I hadn't thought about the fact that the bruising was not isolated and that anemia is not just a fun. I don't know what I was thinking for the last few years. I was like, yeah, no, you're right. That is detrimental to my health. I should get that sorted. So I've gone ahead and ordered some iron supplements and their stomach fluid.

friendly and on the jar it says that they will help me not get constipated which is preferred I suppose. Anyway I'm going to shut the fuck up. It has been great to catch up and speak with you guys. I will see you next week for another episode of Pretty Lonesome and love you, love you, love you so much.

And I'm going to go to Milan, like now. My car's picking me up at 12.30. It's 10.57. How long does that give me? An hour and a half? It's actually pretty good going. I've got to pack a bag, but no, to be fair, I've got to pack a bag. So, right. Love you guys. See you next week, I hope. Have a good day. Bye. Bye.