91: Bonus Calls and Q&As!
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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. We are releasing a special bonus episode today of some of our favorite Q&As and bonus calls that we've been doing over on the Patreon. You've probably heard us talk about the Patreon and some of the intros and teasing the upcoming live stream of the 100th episode on July 25th.

but if you're unfamiliar how it works is every time jake and gareth and i record we try to always record some extra content that lives just over there so like i said some q a's with the fans answering any questions and you know how q a's work and also some bonus calls that have been a ton of fun and behind the scenes with the guests and even early access whenever we can of some of the episodes

which has been really cool. There's also a really fun community tab. And so there's a whole world of people chatting about the episodes as well. And then we try to get in there whenever we can. If you like this and you like what you hear, you can check out more of it at patreon.com slash here to help pod and check out the membership. It's called ones and twos. It's because we release bonus episodes on the 11th

and 22nd. Also, just a ton more. So hope you enjoy this and enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you on Monday. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the Patreon part of We're Here to Help. Who are you?

I'm Claire. Claire. How old? Where are you calling from? I am 36 and I'm calling from Arkansas. Well, first of all, thank you for being on our Patreon. We appreciate it. And, um, absolutely. What are you, what do you, you think, uh, what do you think of guest helpers as what we call the people who come on the show and help us? You like that, right? The,

The guest helpers, like your guests that come on the show? Yeah, like when we have a famous person come on and help us, we call them guest helpers. Everyone's talking about it. Do you like that name for the people who come on to help? Yeah, I think that's cute. So do I. Thank you. It's cute enough. Yeah, it's cute. Good enough. No, stop it. Okay, well, talk to us. What's up? Okay, so my question is, who would you two pick to play you in a movie? And it cannot be Aaron Paul, and it cannot be Joe Pesci.

By the way, Claire, you nailed it. It's Aaron Paul and Joey Patch. That's pretty good. That's a great cast. That would be a great cast. Those two together in a show about guys pissing each other off trying to get advice. Fuck, Claire. That's great. I know. It's really hard because it's perfect. Are you asking us who we think we look like or who we dream actor to play us?

Dream actor to play you. And it doesn't have to be somebody who looks like you necessarily. Okay. You know what I would honestly like? I would like an animatronics of a silverback gorilla. This is a crazy answer. I thought my answer was going to be crazy. Then I heard yours. And I would want it to be like, it could be my voice. I'd play the voice.

But I want it to just be the voice. I want it to look so goddamn good, Claire. Like the kind of money you spend on this technology. It's just a full on silverback. We can't afford yours. Look, Claire's asking for my dream, but I would like to be played. But and nobody ever comments on the fact that I'm a silverback. So if it's like a story about upbringing and it's like at the Little League game when I hit a home run, just a silverback.

At a sleepover, it's five little boys and a silverback. Good night, Jake. Good night. And then it's me going like, good night, Mrs. McKellie. But it's a goddamn full silverback. There's like eight blankets trying to cover it at the sleepover. Well, Jake's answer is obviously next level. I want his. Insane. I would either say...

Denzel Washington or Anthony Hopkins. That's who I would want. Denzel Washington because I'd like to see me and my boring life have someone be like,

punch it up for like, you know what I mean? Like I got to get a salad, like just that level of emphatic. I wish Lamorne was here right now. He would have a minute and a half teeing him up right now. Uh, or Anthony Hopkins, because again, great, brave choices. And again, with my, like to watch him do kids birthday parties is like, of course I'm your spider man. I would love to watch that. Claire, we're being told to move on. We appreciate your call.

Thank you for being part of our show. Oh, our first video. Oh my God. I'm so red. I'm so excited. I like the video. I like the video for the Patriot. I agree. I agree. What can we do for you? Thanks for calling in. Oh, cool view. Where are we? You're on a train. You're on a bus.

I'm on a train. I'm coming home from work. Three hours ahead of you guys. So where are you? Where are you? What's happening? I'm in Toronto, Canada. I have two questions for you guys. My first is what is a typical day like for you? The second is what is your guilty pleasure at the end of a long day? Well, first of all, what do you do in Toronto? I'm a nurse.

I'm a transplant coordinator, so I coordinate trips with. Oh, nice. That's incredible. Yeah. And then how long is your commute on that train? 45 minutes. Do you, Monday and Thursdays, are you pretty locked into the show? Yeah, that's my commute is my...

45 minutes on the show i'm realizing what i love about podcasts is that you're making stuff for people's commute oh yeah which is and that's when i listen to podcasts yeah no it's it makes you think back to like when you didn't have something so easy to just listen to it's like what were you doing when i get everybody you just listen to the radio and you're like man commercials every station but i now get in the car and if i'm throwing tunes on i'll be like well isn't this weird yeah

Listen to me listening to the Eagles. A 20-year-old. Look at me.

Look at him. I'm listening to music. I should get some darts. Yeah, then he goes right back to a pod. Smoke a cigarette. So a regular day for me would be nothing too exciting. I'm trying to do since January 1st. I'm doing five days a week, getting at least a workout in. So you start with that? So I do it somewhere in the day, but it's jujitsu based. I don't need the eye contact. I'm so sorry, Shannon. And the pause. It's like talking to Steven Seagal. It's like weird. Shannon, you should know that I am the danger these days. What is that?

It's like a not okay thing to say to anyone. What is your- I told the jiu-jitsu. Thank you. Thank you. And as a nurse, you know, you see a lot of victims of people. They come in there. You need to get a transplant. You got to get new arms and new legs for the son of a bitch. What are you talking about? Because they just, and you say, what happened? And they go, I came across the danger, a jiu-jitsu person. We call you joke jitsu. I'm going to call you a pretzel.

Gareth, what's your guilty pleasure? Um, God. Looking in the mirror, doing your hair in different ways? No, no. My guilty pleasure. Going to Sephora and getting a bunch of different glasses. Do you want me to answer? Yes, please. You want to just be jujitsu danger Jake? I'm going to just take him, Shannon, and crack him. I heard a loud pop from that hip. It didn't feel good. Um,

I would say a guilty pleasure is probably either. I like to drink wine or watch it. I like below deck. Below deck is my guilty. I do. I love below deck. I've seen every below deck. Oh, yeah. Everyone sailing yacht, Mediterranean. Oh, gee. How do you compare it to the challenge? Okay. Who's your favorite captain? Who's your favorite captain? Sandy.

Shannon, who's your favorite? Look at her. Hey, you just became Moe. By the way, the face you just made is how I've become Moe next to this guy. What was that? That's a normal human reaction to you, Gareth. Hold on. Let her answer. Why do you hate Sandy? She's just kind of a mean bitch. Oh, good lord. She's not at all.

She builds them up. Oh, stop it. Oh, no. The Australian captains are much better. Well, listen, the Australian, the actually Aussie, Aussie captain is just obviously a hunk. I mean, he makes Kevin look like a dweeb. That's how hunky this guy is. You should see this guy. He is beautiful. Well, Shannon, we appreciate the call. Thank you for calling. Yeah, enjoy the rest of your commute. Enjoy that 45 minutes. We got some fun episodes coming up.

Thanks. You'll be accompanying me. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Hello. Hi. Welcome to the Patreon. We're here to help. Thank you. I'm so excited. We are too. So what's your name? My name is Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie? Hi, Stephanie. Where are you calling from, Stephanie? I am from Mobile, Alabama. Ooh. Beautiful. Alabama. Is it hot there right now? It's like 80. Beautiful. Well, what's going on? Talk to us. Well, I'm...

I am calling to get your opinion on something. I am in a Mardi Gras organization, a parading society. And right now we're starting to gather items that we throw off the float and to the crowd. Sure. And so I was looking for some unique and fun ideas of things I can throw off the float. And so you're obviously doing the bracelets, you're doing the necklaces, you're doing the beads, you're doing the flowers. Yes.

Yes, beads are like low-hanging fruit. That's like the easiest thing to throw. Let's be honest, everybody will lift their shirt for some goddamn beads. I've done it. Some other things that I've thrown off are there's these pickle in a pout.

Oh, God. Gross. I've eaten those. Yeah, I've thrown that. That's fun. I've thrown wrap snacks, which are like chips with like famous wrappers on the outside of them. Like Snoop Dogg and Lil Baby. Fun. You could throw astronaut food. Oh, I like that. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. Right? And somebody goes and like, what is it? And they're like,

It's astronaut food. Remember astronaut food? I don't think I've ever seen that. Ice cream? Yes. There is someone who does throw ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, but you've got astronaut food. Astronaut food is a whole different, because the one thing you don't want is if you're out there, you're drinking, you're partying, you're doing drugs, whatever you're doing, or you're just enjoying your day, but you're hanging around the parade, something comes throwing at you and you catch it, you don't want to be like, oh, a little Debbie little thing. Who cares? You

You want to grow. Well, this was a weird experience. I like that one a lot. I like that too. I would say I got two. What if you did like some of those crazy straws? You know, those straws that go like all windy since you're drinking all those weird cocktails that day or if the people are doing cocaine. Has anyone ever done cocaine out of like a weird straw like that? I can't imagine that working. No. You want the shortest path from A to B.

You don't want to be taking a break. You probably wouldn't be able to get it all the way up. It's a funny thing from a movie. It would be great from a movie. The other thing you could do if you want to be a little bit of a mom about it is you could throw out like, you know,

vitamins that like milk thistle, which is like good for the liver. Milk thistle would be hilarious. And then you do it in like a little baggie of pills so it looks like drugs, but all they're taking is milk thistle. Can you throw pills into, I wonder what the locale, I guess you probably could. Here's my last pitch.

is um you and people from the parading committee you can um things that you don't want anymore you could pull those garbage just an easy way to get rid of it oh i've got another thing you could do you could go to kinkos and get little photos of yourself and then put them in a little bag and then uh it's got you put it for weight one penny and a photo of yourself i

That's pretty funny. So people go like, what is this? And they open it. It's a bag. It's one penny and some lady. The woman from the float? That would be so weird. A thousand pictures of you with a penny. What do you think of those? We're probably not solving your problem, but they are funny. What do you think? No, it's yeah, that's what I'm looking for. Funny stuff like the astronaut food is definitely something that I can get.

The picture of myself might be weird just because we're supposed to be a secret. So I have to cover my face a little bit. What about really hot jalapenos? He did pickles in a bag. Yeah, I can do that. Any type of food item. Just like the idea of really hot jalapenos. A lot of people throw them out and every once in a while you'll get somebody who goes like, fuck it. You know what else you could do? Remember when, well, at least when we were kids, you would get like,

They had the baseball cards, but then it would be like Back to the Future cards. And you would be putting them in your... You could just go and find a bunch of those weird 80s, 70s, 80s, 90s cards, and you could throw those out too. How about Lady Viagra? Lady Viagra? What's that? Picture of me. Thank you so much for the call. We appreciate you. We hope you have a wonderful time at the club. Thank you so much. Bye. Hello. Hi there.

Hi. Can we have your name, please? Yeah, this is Sam. Sam. And Sam, where are you calling from and how old are you? I'm calling from Omaha, Nebraska, and I am just outside of 30.

Just outside of 30? Well, let that live. Just because of the really cool mystery there. What is outside of 30? Are you about 48 years old? Or are you about 19? I'm just outside of 30, personally. I'm outside of 20. That is the mystery that remains. No, I just turned 40. That's a girl. You're the best. That is my favorite thing that's happened on this goddamn podcast.

to do it. What a great... And like a little dork on my notepad, I wrote 30 at first. Yeah, me too. I fell for it right away.

Perfect. Then it's working. Yeah, you're working. Well, we're excited to hear your problem that might be fabricated a little bit. But why don't you tell us why you're calling, and we'll see what we can do for you. Okay. So I live in the Midwest, and I moved from Georgia to Nebraska. And so it's our first summer owning a home here. And basically what happened is that we let our grass grow.

grow so long i felt like i was living um on the little house in the prairie back here and so we um i don't know if you've ever mowed really thick grass without any accessories like the thing that shoots it off to the side or a bag you know so um ultimately it kept clogging up and dying and

to the point where I have to have my husband come out and start it because even though I think I'm super strong, I cannot actually get the mower to start sometimes. So I thought I'd reach out to you guys to see if you had any cheap, fun, and creative ways to solve this problem. I do. You do? Perfect. Well, just to be clear, the problem is how do you get the lawn trimmed without your husband's help or how do you get the lawn cleaned up?

How do you get the mower to not clog? How do you get the mower to not clog? By the way, you have called the right podcast. I mean, Jake and I... These are the big questions. These are the... We like to deal with the big ones. Life's big ones. I thought you guys were here for the serious side of it. We're here for the good stuff, Sam, and this is the good stuff. So let me ask you a question. We're ready to party. Are you a woman who works out? If I said yes, let's just go down that path.

You are such a mystery. Why don't you just say, why don't you just say... This is the first call that you have utterly confused me, and I'm more intrigued by this call I've ever been in my life. I don't want it to end. The best way to put it would be, I'm just outside of joining a gym. Absolutely. I may have the gym pass, I may go, but do I go inside? I don't know. No. I get that. The reason I say that is...

My brother-in-law, my sister's husband, used to do a thing called dad workouts.

And he tried to create a thing where whenever you're doing something, if we were like all taking, you know, groceries in with the kids, he would go, let's see if you and I can carry all the bags and squat our way in. So from the car to the kitchen was a super weird workout that was also slash fun. So the thing I'm going to pitch to you is this.

You got some thick grass in that backyard. It's eating up your lawnmower. What a drag, right? Now you could just let it rip and have a back. You have a party backyard and who cares? But if you want it low, get yourself a machete. Now we've gone down. You've gone down the machete road. Well,

I like to call it more of like, I think they're called like a site. Right. So it's like this thing that, um, I ain't talking about how I'm talking about. No, we're shady.

No, a Zeist. It's a thing that looks like the Grim Reaper thing. Yes, okay. We're talking about the same thing. Okay. So we've also thought of a fire blaster, you know? Sure. But it's too wet. But hold on. So what happened when you got the Zeist? The machete didn't work? It doesn't. No, it takes a really long time because we live on...

quarter of an acre almost. Okay. You got a nice spot. Um, so, and then, you know, with the house on it. So with you, if you think about machete, like you have to have some taunt in it so that somebody can chop it. Otherwise I don't know. I know how to use a machete. All right, Jay. Calm down. All right. Chill out. Don't tell me to chill out. You chill out. Okay. Oh, we've also thought about goats. Yeah. That's what I was about to say. And what's the thought on that?

Well, I really enjoy the dad exercises. I feel like we need to close the loop on that and that I think my husband could really benefit from that.

as a takeaway, you wrote that down. I'm going to write that down for myself because I think that that's a great, great option. Okay. The idea of dad workouts, but then what would he, because the reason I was going to say with the dad workouts, but I'm going to also put that on a mom workout. And if you don't have kids, then I'm going to put it on a Sam workout. And that is you grab that machete, put yourself in a, you know, a nice three quarter squat. So you're burning thighs and just whack, whack, whack, whack,

until you're dripping with sweat. And you might look up and go, I've gone four yards. But that was four yards you didn't have before. Go inside, get some lemonade, throw an iPod in your ear, and get back out there. Whack, whack, girl, get going. In a month and a half, it might be gone. I don't know how long it's taking. But what you're going to get out of it, Sam, is some mean-ass shoulders, some mean arms, some great Omaha sun, and you're going to rip those calves a little bit.

Yeah. Okay. Gareth is hating this, Sam, but I think you and I are bonded on it. I think that we're close to it, but I'm scared. Okay. Okay. I would be too. I would be too. It seems like you have a budget. Seems like you're potentially buying a fire blaster. You're talking about getting... Sounds like multiple goats. Okay.

But might I just pitch that you bring in someone to just do the first pass at this like a landscaper and then you just maintain a lower level of the grass where it's not like trying to get through a jungle?

Okay. Shockingly good advice. That is, that is perfect advice. It differs on what, uh, on what we were thinking, which was go to home Depot, get a writing lawnmower, mow the lawn and then be like, Oh no, something broke. And then have home Depot come pick it back up. Yeah, they could be, but there could also be some, there could be fights and trouble on that. Do you think so? I do. Do you think home Depot would care about Sam from Omaha, Nebraska though?

I got to tell you, sometimes they do. You're not just dealing with corporate. If you happen to get one manager with a carrot up his ass and then all of a sudden you're like, well, it broke. And he goes, and then he, then you're sitting there with an $1,800 mower. You're never going to use again. I'm going to go. No, they're 2,500. That's what I mean. I mean, you're, you're a galaxy of hurt where now you have, you could have got a, you could have got an Oldsmobile for fuck's sake. I think Gareth is actually onto this. What about hiring a crew to come once a month?

You don't need it once a week, even if it gets going. And or if you just go, because if you're talking about you're in this, you know, it's kind of ruining the fun of your backyard. You're new to it. You don't need a once a week guy. No, you need to come once a month. And I guarantee somebody wants that job. And if you're on a real budget and you don't want to hire eight guys in a truck, put a sign up and get a couple of teenagers, a couple of 16 year olds who will go to paid me a hundred bucks cash.

I think in Omaha, you're going to find willing parties to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good suggestion. I think that I guess if you guys think that it's better than getting a blowtorch or goat. I'm going to I feel very confident that it is better than getting a blowtorch.

You do. I do. I think it's better than the blowtorch for sure. What do you think the reality is if you actually get in two goats? They're illegal in my county. Okay, so you can't do the goats. Are sheeps illegal? We can't even have chickens in our county. Understood. So, Sam, our advice to you on this one is coming from me, which I now think is wrong, is to turn it into a workout, grab a machete, and let it rip a little bit, but...

Gareth's advice, which I think is also right on this one, is to hire a crew, either professional or just neighborhood kids, like a babysitter, throw signs up and let somebody kind of come once a month to get this under control until you decide what you want to do with it. How we like to end this call is, is there anything you have heard on this that you think you might do? And if not, what do you think you're going to do to solve this problem?

I really, really think that I'll probably go with door number two. I feel like throwing up some signs and or finding someone with the proper tools would be the most effective way to handle it in the fastest method. Sam, good luck to you. Good luck, Sam.

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Hey everybody, welcome to the Patreon exclusive Q&A. We're going to start a new thing where we are having Patreon members call in and just fucking BS. Yep, yep. What we love to do, Jake. Chew the fat. I'm excited about it. I am too.

What do we got, KB? This is from Tanya. She asked, if your moms were to call into the show, what would their problems be? You know, it's a funny thing that you could probably break us down. How different our moms are. Yes. Very. Yes. Because you're now hearing Eve. I'm hearing Pam. Pam is very supportive. Pam loves it. Yes.

Pam is, she just thinks this is so great. Your problem is just lovely. Your problem is you guys don't talk enough. Yeah, lovely. Keep going. Go for it, you two. Your mom's like, relax. My mom's like, you know, here's what's better about car talk. Lady Mo. Yeah.

Mama Moe. Mama Moe. Well, what would you say Eve's would be? I know you've talked about these stairs at her house. So my mom's... Well, first of all, my mother would never call it. Right. The idea of calling in for help is not a trait that Moes do. Right. You don't fall off the Moe tree in Congo. Here's an issue. Right. You're Moe. You're in charge. And everything's gone wrong. Yeah. So...

Right now, she's currently doing reno on her house. Right. That has been a 65-year project. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Gone from numerous, every place she's been, the same project, keep go. So she'll get to a place, and as soon as the bathroom's finished, she'll get a new place and destroy the bathroom. Right. But her question would be, how do I complete a renovation project? And I will tell my advice to her in real life and here is, hire people and stay out of their way.

Good advice. Yes. My mother goes on a lot of walks, and this will only help play into the bullshit that Jake has pushed before, but there are men who creep on her. Oh, really? Yeah, like older men will be like, hit on her. So I would imagine she would want a way to...

sort of avoid these conversations. So your mom gets hit on a lot and doesn't like it. Not a lot, but definitely is like opposed to it. Like my mother, my mother is only, there's only been like, um, did you see, uh, the banshees of Isharan?

Well, there's a guy in this. He's an English actor. You'd know him. That's the only man I've heard my mother be like, I like him in like 40 years. There's been another one. Okay. Anyway, next, Kev. Hello. Well, first of all, you are our first Patreon caller. Oh, my God. Pretty big. Heavy as, yeah. So this is our first ever. We're trying something new. We're going to see how it works. This is exclusive for Patreon. You are a member. Thank you for joining the Patreon. And can we get your name, please?

Yeah, my name is Jess. Jess? Jess? Oh, boy. Jess, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Salt Lake City. Oh, beautiful. Quick question for you, Jess, in Salt Lake City. What are you thinking of the Patreon? Yeah.

I'm liking it. It's fun. It's fun to go and chat with people. Oh, there's a community for me. The helpers. Is that right? The gilly beans. The gilly beans. Yeah. Okay. So Jess, do you have a question today? So this is going to be rather than a patron exclusive. This is a gilly bean exclusive. Yeah. Okay. So Jake has to name Gareth's biography and Garrett has to name Jake. What are the titles?

Are you calling me Garrett or Gareth? I just got Garrett. Okay. Okay. I just want to make sure this was the most liked question to you on the page. Name the other ones. Biography. That's a good question. I got a question for you, Jess. I got one. Have you, you've listened to a lot of the show.

I do, yeah. I'm a couple weeks behind. That's fair. How about you go first? Well, it's kind of like an inside joke with my friends. So I think the last one we made, somebody was talking about Naked and Afraid. And I was like, oh, title my biography. That's good. Naked and Afraid is pretty good. And then, Jess, what do you got for Gareth? You got to name mine. I feel like...

That Aaron Paul has to make an appearance. Tough but fair. I got one for Gareth. I'll stop talking when I'm dead. Oh, actually, I got a story for you. I went to the dentist yesterday.

And she's the best. I love my dentist. And, you know, while you can't communicate, obviously, while they're but she talks the whole time. So in between moments when she was in my mouth, I was fitting so much talking into the breaks.

Where she was like, you don't have, and I was like, this is a compulsion. I have to. I was like, Jake is, I was like trying, I was like, while she's, I was storing up bits in my head. I was like, I'll talk about how she. You know what others do there? Is listen. I was listening. No. But when she did breaks, I was like, exhaustively being like, you know what you should do with the tooth fairy thing? Here's what you should do. You should tell your kid. You fundamentally said you were storing bits.

Storing this. Others listen. And then react. I'm sorry that I have the best part of the conversation ready to go. Okay. Mine for Jake would be rule book. Because it's got book in it. And it is also... Jake has... I think we've touched on it on the show. But Jake has this innate ability to...

He'll pitch on like this is why I thought the podcast would be so good is because he'll pitch on things right away. And a lot of times you'll go, that's pretty good. But but they don't. But even the show, I'll keep pitching. I never. And the problem is, it never stops. And there's a lot of bravado. But a lot of times like that's pretty good.

There's a lot of misses. There's a lot of misses, but you will acknowledge that, but it's a good building block. And he, like, the way that he would game out things so quickly, my friend Steve and I, our friend, started calling him rule book because we were like, this guy literally, we'd be walking down the street and he'd be like, first one to throw a dime in that cup is...

gets a free beer, we'd be like, this is great. But this is why I think the podcast works together. And just thank you for this question is we knew it early on. We, the first episode we did, we did the Zoe was our first guest.

So we did Zoe. I think she was our fourth one. We wanted to do a few callers before and Gareth got a little quiet because he was like, well, you guys have known each other and he let us go. And afterwards I said, if you remember, I go, Hey man, we're doing this together. You got to keep shooting. Yeah. And I go, if I'm talking to them and we're in a bit,

Even if I jokingly tell you to shut up, I was like, the bit has to be you're constantly shooting. Yes. So the idea of rule book and I'll stop talking when I'm dead. Is it alternative title for this show? Very, very much so. Because that is what it is. Very much so.

Truly. That's what it is. It's why it kind of has worked. We both are ready to go. You are always ready to go. Because I'll go a lot of times and you'll hear on the show, if somebody calls in with an issue that it's a tricky one.

Gareth and I, a lot of the time we're making eye contact and we'll be giving each other nods. And a lot of times what I'm saying, I'm like looking at my notepad. I'm like, I don't get this one. And I'll go, you got anything, Gareth? And I'll know he does it, but he'll go, yes, I do. So, and you'll feel him vamping. Catherine Reitman was the first one who called you out on it where she would be like, this is a lot of vamp. And you realize there's 45 seconds where he hasn't said anything, but he's having joy. The audience is having joy. And

And then he'll go in the middle of it. He'll go, yeah. And then he'll go, oh, actually now we've started. Well, that happens with us too. One of us will just throw out something, something watered down and the other will be like, no, but now we've said, but you need a shooter. Jess, uh, we appreciate your call. We appreciate you being a Gilly bean. And, uh, we hope this thing keeps getting better and better. Thank you. Awesome. Thank you guys. Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Hey, how you doing? First of all, thank you for calling. Oh, thank you for taking my call. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name's Alex. So we're on with a one and two-er, Alex. And where are you calling from, Alex?

I am calling from the middle of nowhere in California in a van, but I live in Los Angeles. Ooh, I like the van life. Where are you in the middle of nowhere, roughly? We just stopped in Kettleman City for some In-N-Out. Fun. Yeah, delicious. Well, what can we do for you, sir? What's on your mind? Well, I was told that you guys are doing a Q&A today, so I have a couple of quick questions for you. Sure.

Okay, well, number one, I was curious as to what Garrett's favorite road snack is, since I'm going to be on the road for the next, like, six weeks. Before you get into that, what are you doing on the road for six weeks? I'm playing music. Oh, nice. What's the name of the band? The band's name is Cheek Face. So, one and twoers, support the Cheek Faces. Cheek Face. Where are you going to be? Are you going all around? What are you doing, like, Pacific Northwest?

NorCal? We're doing a full North America. We're full US and Vancouver and Toronto. Wow, yeah. Canada. Great places. Well, it depends. I always find when I start on the road, it's an RX bar. Fucking love RX bars. They're great. They're healthy. Then as you get halfway through or three quarters of the way through, the wheels start to come off the diet. You're starting to not give a fuck anymore.

As it gets later, if you're doing overnights, it starts to become those little donuts. Those donuts? Sure. Those become a problematic snack. But a SmartPop, if you're trying to keep the weight off, which is the goal, I would go with RX Bars and SmartPop. If you don't give a fuck, I would say start going into those donuts and those little honey buns. Just let it rip. Oh, man, the honey buns. I forgot about those. Yeah, don't sleep on them.

Literally. You could die. Yeah, no, I will not fall asleep on one. That would be problematic. What else you got? Is that it, buddy, or is that the call?

Well, so my second question was a little more specific for both you guys because I didn't want to leave Jake out. It's okay. What is each of your McDonald's orders? Oh, Christ. I haven't eaten McDonald's in 10 years. Here's my advice on that. Don't go there. Yeah, don't go there. Stick to In-N-Out while you're at Cali. I mean, I eat the donuts. Yeah, I would over that. What do you get at McDonald's? Oh, I'm a McChicken boy myself. How old are you? How old are you?

I'm 31. Oh, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. You're right on the line, McChicken Boy. No, no, you're not. No, you can't be doing that. If you said 22, I would have been 31 years old eating McChicken Boy. I'm going to tell you, you're going to be a McChicken dead man soon. Let me tell a quick McDonald's story very quickly. So Jake and I have talked about this bet where I was going to get a tattoo of Brett Favre in a Vikings jersey, whatever. We've told that story.

But the day we were watching the game that bailed me out, you came over to my buddy Burns' place and we were all hanging out watching it. The energy was very intense because there was a tattoo on the line. And I, for no fucking reason, this is right before I stopped eating beef. Maybe it was tied in.

I don't know if you remember this. For no reason, I go, let's go to McDonald's and get 50 cheeseburgers. I do remember this. And everyone was like, what? Yeah. And nobody was really into it. But I was like, come on. I remember being disgusted. So I went to McDonald's. A few of us went to McDonald's. I got 50 cheeseburgers. Also, in retrospect, just awful to do to the staff. Just because you are basically just being like, hey, it's like comedy. Brought them back. Everyone probably had two or three. And the energy dipped so hard about 15 minutes after we all ate two to three of them.

These burgers. And I was like, this food. It's a killer. It's a killer. It's terrible. It's like a day. It's like day drinking the food. Yes. We were all down. So but I would say avoid McDonald's. It's dog shit. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you were forced to smoke the whole pack, right? Yes. I think that's exactly right. Yes. Hey, buddy, we appreciate the call and good luck on tour, man. Go get it, Cheek Face. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks. Hello. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, please?

So what can we do for you today? Well, I asked a lot of questions. I don't know which one, but I think my grandma told me to ask this one. Wait, is your grandma a listener? No, but she hears all about it through me because I like cannot shut up about this podcast. It's become my whole life. Good for you. Okay. So my question is,

I need advice on how to deal with some cranky ass men. Okay. So I'm from Wisconsin. Nice. What part? Dane. Sure. Yeah. It's a real small town. So we're dairy farmers. I work with my dad and my uncles and my cousins. We're all men. It can be cranky sometimes if I'm honest. Sure. And I need some advice to deal with cranky old men. Oh, Gareth, how do you deal with me?

sometimes let them crank it out uh other times engage a little bit and then um you know sometimes commiserate make sure make sure they're fed yeah feeding is big uh make sure yeah what make sure whatever's in you so you work with a bunch of mo's make sure whatever is whatever mo's dealing with whatever's pissing them off

Just you say you see it too. Yeah. If one of the cows did something that's a pain in the ass, go, you're not wrong. Yeah.

No, I would say even be a little pissed off. Yeah, I'm mad too. I know. You know what? You can also do what really ends it. It's like multiplication. You know, something times zero is always zero. So I'm going to give the opposite advice. So if you're cranky about something, let's say I'm on that farm and I'm cranky because every time I try to milk this one fucking cow, it kicks back a little bit. And the fucking thing, it always hits my knee while I'm helping it. You don't want me to fucking milk you. Your tits are going to get, you're going to be in pain, right?

So when he starts getting mad, get five times as mad. That's pretty good. And you get mad at what they're getting mad about. So it creates chaos. What about a storm out?

You get so mad you storm out? Yeah. Just once. To sort of send the message that like, don't light my fuse too. Yeah. You know what? You become the crankiest. Somebody goes, you know what? The barn got wet. You go, don't get me started on the barn. Soaking barn. I'm fucking out of here. I'll get some towels. Yeah. And you storm out and everybody goes, hey.

don't tell her anything that's going bad. Hide it. She's getting hot. Yeah. So the only time you don't storm out is if they're well-behaved. What do you think of that? It's pretty solid. I like that. I think it would be really funny because I generally grew up very quiet. Yeah. And I have gotten louder as the years go on, but they've never really seen me storm in person. I would try that. And then I would also not to play into the stereotypical gender...

At some point, I would maybe get emotional over the thing, too. You're so bad. You get emotional. Yeah. You know, they'll be like, oh, boy, come on. That's pretty good, too, because I am the only girl. Yeah. I think if you're comfortable with that, that's not a bad. You know what? You could play on that is when they're being grumpy, you start to cry and go like, sorry, it's just making me feel really emotional. And then if they say, what would make you stop? You go having a pleasant attitude.

Yeah. So if they are just pleasant, you don't cry or scream. Yeah. But if you do anything, if they do anything to rock the boat, you fucking turn it into a tsunami. Yeah. I think that's what it is. It's whatever it is. It's don't just demure push back with some emotional resonance. Now, let me ask you a question as a true Gilly bean. What's been your favorite? Okay. What's been your favorite call? Oh, I got one that jumps out. No, no.

I really, truly love them all, especially when it's like you guys just like going back and forth. Thank you for that. Fuck the guests. I just die. I die. I'm usually out with the cows and I will laugh out loud. I'm by myself. So if anybody sees me, they're going to think I'm nuts. You know what you just said, honestly, and I've talked to Gareth about it. But what I love about this podcast is that

that there's a lady in Wisconsin with a bunch of cows listening to this fucking around and having a better day. That's what makes this really fun and really different than TV and movies. Oh, yeah. It's like it's just it's in your ear. You're going about your day and you're laughing around a bunch of cows. It could be good. It could also be a way to solve the problem you called about is another thing you could do is just take the AirPods out and just

put it on a speaker and let the podcast play for a little while. Or have you, when they start talking and they're grumpy, go can't hear you listening to my podcast. That's good. That's good. And honestly, please get grandma to listen to an episode. We really are trying to get that scene. Can you film grandma listening to an episode?

um could we give her a birthday shout out yeah it turns 80 in like two weeks what's her name eileen what do you call her me ma grandma grandma okay oh geez hey grandma eileen what's up she's the greatest grandma because so we're farmers she still cooks us lunch every day wow that's like she wants to do this taking it back to the old school all right well listen all right ready

Happy birthday to Eileen. Grandma to some. Happy birthday to Eileen. Grandma to some. Happy birthday dear Eileen. Grandma to some. Happy birthday to you. Thanks for being 80 and making lunch every day. You're a sweetheart. It means a lot. Thanks, Caitlin. Thank you. All right. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye there.

Who are we talking to? My name is Brittany. Brittany, hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You've got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask your age and where you're calling from? Yes, I am 36 and I'm calling from my office in Burbank at the moment. Burbank? We could do this in person. Yeah, in California. It's very exciting. Well, welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us? What's up?

Okay. So basically I need a new go-to drink order when I go out with friends. Um, I can't drink beer, whiskey, some gin or scotch. Like I know that's annoying. My default drink. You just jumped over a lot. This, uh, why can't you drink beer, whiskey, all those? Are you like allergy lady? Are you a wild drunk woman?

um i'm an allergy lady it's unfortunate i have celiac um also anything with uh i'm going to pretend now that this is also going to be a medical call but so anything with gluten exactly you are so smart i call the right people that question was from both of us just so you know but what about a t-dose then can't you get isn't t-dose made out of potatoes

Yeah, I can do Tito's. I can do most vodkas, tequila, champagne, and rum. Tequila's a wonderful, yeah, because I got to tell you here, Bea, you're talking to another allergy guy. Oh, geez, I'm so sorry. I had, Brittany, I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but we're going to get back to you, I promise. I did a press tour. I didn't have anything. I did a press tour with Damon Wayans Jr. We were in Arizona. It was for either Let's Be Cops or New Girl.

And I woke up with bumps all over my body, my face, my neck. And I was convinced it was bedbugs.

And we freaked out. It was, it was let's be cops because Nick Thomas, the writer was there and they were like, this is disgusting. This dump of a hotel gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody would sit next to me. I had to kind of sit in my own little space. I got home, threw away all my clothes. My wife wouldn't let me in the house, threw away my luggage, uh, got in like basically a, a gown and went to the emergency room. And the guy did a blood test and said, not bedbugs, allergy to dairy, uh,

and anything related to the cow. And so, Brittany, that led me on a journey because one of my allergies I found was also the creation of histamines. So wines, beers, all that out the window. Oh, no. But the journey to beautiful tequilas and vodkas began.

then you are definitely the right person. Yes, you've called the right place. I'm so thankful. What was your favorite drink before you found out about this allergy, Brittany?

I didn't drink a lot before. I grew up very lame and sheltered. And so I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And then probably after that, it was like another year or two. So I just discovered alcohol and then it was all taken away from me. So up to this point, my default is kind of just like a vodka diet Coke. But I get a lot of side. Yeah.

Yeah, that is wild. That is a wild diet coke. That's a Montague and Capulet cocktail. Okay, this is why I need you guys, because this is the reaction I get everywhere. Yeah, and everyone's right. Everyone's right on this. I hate to say it like that, but they're right. Brittany, if you and I went out and I said, you go...

let's just sit at this corner table. I grew up pretty sheltered. This bar is a little bit much for me. And I go, let me handle the order. And I grew up like a wild animal. And I go, B, what can I get you to drink here? You've been working all day in Burbank. You're exhausted. And you go, just get me a vodka diet Coke. I'm Lee. I'm walking right. I'm going to the bathroom, crawling out the goddamn window. And we're not trying to roast you.

But that is the drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol till after 21. You're just kind of taking two things you like, but they don't match together. They don't. They can't. OK, so, Brittany, let's let's get to the root of this. What do you like about a vodka Diet Coke? You just like Diet Cokes and you like vodka or do you just like a Diet Coke?

I like that I can pronounce it. I like that it's easy. I like that, you know, anywhere you go, except some places only have Pepsi and that I, I will not do a vodka Pepsi. That is just, that's crossing a line for me. It's an interesting line you have there. Agreed. I'm with Gary. Yeah. I have, I have some taste, but I just, I don't know. I think it's lovely. I blacked out. I forgot what you asked me, but, oh, it's sweet. It's nice. It's,

You know, if the ice melts, it doesn't taste terrible. If you add like a little squeeze of lime. Brittany, do you not really like alcohol, but you're going out socially and you like the social lubrication of it all?

Well, I don't need social lubrication. I'm like a hoot and a half. I am usually the designated driver because I am so fun without alcohol. However, when I do go out with friends or on dates or whatever, I don't want to gross people out. And I think this is really...

you know, I'm still single and I would like to not be. And I have a feeling maybe if I can get a cool drink order that sounds either fun or sophisticated, that might help. I'm going to tell you this. It's not going to hurt. Perfect. Yeah. Now, let me ask you one question. And I only ask this because I am trying to target the perfect cocktail for you. Is the Diet Coke part of it? Is that is that a calorie rationale or is that just you like Diet Coke? It's a good question.

Um, you know, I just like a diet Coke. I think a regular Coke, it's just way too much sugar. I'm also I don't drink coffee. I'm like very peppy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar in because I'm already, you know, a little hummingbird. Can I can I just start before Gareth, you start thinking of drinks because I feel like you're going in a direction that I'm going to try to get us away from.

I say we get rid of the diet Coke of it all and the sweet drink. You don't want to order a Seabreeze, right? You don't want to order a screwdriver. You don't want to go like, do you have fresh pineapple? You're just looking for a simple drink that doesn't overly taste like alcohol that is going to be socially acceptable. You're not somebody, it doesn't seem to me like you're somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going to have one or two drinks tops. I'm going to lead out with something here, Gareth. Okay, go.

Here's what I would lead out with. A Tito's Vodka, because when you order a specific brand, it's cooler than just saying Well Vodka.

Okay. You know, when you're 22, you could just say like, whatever. And then they just give you trash. So a Tito's is a nice solid vodka. It's also made from, uh, it's potato based. And if anybody wants to check my facts, I don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm, I believe it's your sweet spot. Yeah. Thank you. And what I would do is I would do a vodka soda.

with Tito's and extra limes. And I would actually take the limes and squeeze them in, then mix it together. And now you've got a, you let that ice melt a little bit, which will cut into your vodka. And now you have a watered down vodka with the carbonation in the lime. And for a 36 year old lady in Burbank, who's just looking for one drink on a date, that feels pretty sweet to me. It's a sophisticated order.

It feels like a nice solid thing that you're going to actually enjoy drinking. I like it. That feels good. I could get behind that. I like that. I feel comfortable with it. It's not making me sweat. You know, I'm not getting nervous thinking about it. It's a really easy order and the name branding, the vodka helps and having like the extra lime just make you feel like you got a little bit of flair. God damn it. Yeah. Like it's a little vacation. Yeah.

It's actually probably the cocktail I'm going to be moving to soon because I like wine. I see guys like Jake and I, we cut out hard liquor for reasons that are not, we have an allergy like gluten to it. It's more like,

We forget things that we said to people. We had long conversations. I had my last public blackout probably about two and a half years ago at a wedding. And since then, I've sworn off the hard alcohol as far as like, you know, shots, things like that. But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're definitely not going to get a lot of judgment because that is a very popular drink.

I have one other pitch and it's just because I think it's a good conversation start. Right. So if you want to go under the radar, I think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you want someone to be like, what the hell did you just order in a good way? Bellini. I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low, low calorie. It is it's gluten free.

And it's just kind of a weird little cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas, we all know, is the breakfast drink. It's what us alcoholics have with waffles to pretend like things are fine. But the Bellini is maybe a way if you're on a date and you don't want to say the vodka diet soda, which we're all flagging as problematic vodka soda, you're going to fly under the radar. But if you want, hey, what the hell is a Bellini?

There you go. I think you might be able to. Brittany, do you want a what the hell's a Bellini moment? You know, I'm a big researcher, so I'm just going to look up a Bellini after this. I think I've had one before. As long as I can confidently talk about it, that's great. People don't even give me a chance to talk about Vodka Diet Coke before like you two just went off on me. So I feel like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think I could do that.

We piled on it. Let me just say on behalf of both of us, I'm sorry. We really just, we jumped right in. I got to jump the other way. We jumped on, but I think we jumped on for good reason. I agree, but I'm trying to be nice. I know you're trying to be nice, but sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and you got to jump on it. And we did, Brittany. We're here to help. We're not here to rub your back and say, great job. A vodka diet Coke is a bad order. Yeah.

It is what Charles Manson would have had if he was out there. Okay. You're right. I'm being aggressive now. Maybe I overjumped. I apologize. I don't know. I'm never going to learn if I don't hear this. That's right. But you do seem like a lovely person. I think a Bellini is okay. I wouldn't lean out on a Bellini personally. I like to fly under the radar. But if you're somebody who likes to research, that's fine. Here's another easy one.

And this is just a, you could look a little cool, but without being over the top, you could a hard seltzer and ask for anything local.

So sure, you could go with a claw, but so, but you could also go like, do you have any, uh, especially in California, all these like hipster brewery places now are doing their own hard seltzers, but infused with like mangoes from a local mango tree. And that's pretty good. And I got to tell you, they taste delicious. This is pretty good. There's not a high alcohol count.

So if you are a quote unquote problem drinker, like the guy's giving you advice right now, you can drink about a hundred of those and you're going to be just fine. But if you make this call and you go, I do have any like local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzers, they will have one or two. And then if you go, you know, you name the fruits that's infused in it that you like,

You're going to really enjoy that can, in my opinion. So I would go- I like that. I would either go that or the most basic is vodka soda. Bellini, if you want a conversation starter. And if you want to do the hard seltzer with a conversation starter, hard seltzer, and I'd like a champagne flute. Hmm.

No, don't do this. It's intriguing. I'm just saying it's an intriguing order. Brittany, he's leading you wrong. I'm helping. We've found some ideas here. Now we like to end these with, what do you think you're going to do?

I think I'm going to do the Tito's and vodka. I think that's super easy. I will do a Bellini once the summer. I will try everything. And then I'll take notes. I'll report back. Great. Please. Yes, please let us know. And I think no matter what,

The fact that you're moving away from the vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins. So, you know, enjoy yourself and you'll find it. And I think also, again, I'm not I think I'm really leaning into this conversation starter. But the fact that you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter. So if you need it, it's there.

Yeah, perfect. You guys are so helpful. It was like it got real quiet after my last line there. Well, I think you honestly weirded the fuck out of everybody. Me. Yeah, I'm feeling it. It's a palpable feeling right now. Gareth, I think you got too honest. I just...

I just want the conversation started. And when we started this call, everybody was on board with that. You don't get to jump ship right now. No, no, no. We want more podcast voice, Gareth. We don't want the real guy. We're in the foxhole together. No, we're not. We live and die together. Goodbye. Brittany, this was a perfect call. We appreciate you calling. We hope we helped a little bit. Thank you, Brittany. Good luck. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.