90: Hunk With a Little Chunk
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All right, Gareth, all right, Kevin, this is a Thursday episode.

We are back. No, it's a Monday episode. Either way, Jake, we're back. We don't do these live. Come on. Let's be honest. We've done a couple now. Three, two, one. And we're back. Ladies and gentlemen, on a beautiful Monday. Kevin, we are back on a Monday. We're watching Dew drip off the plants. It's a beautiful Monday morning here in Los Angeles, California.

And we are excited to be back on the show. We've got no guests. No guests. Unless you count Kevin. Yeah. Unless you count Kevin. Although Kevin doesn't jump in on a lot of calls.

No, and we're excited because we have our 100th episode coming up. So we have some exciting stuff to talk about. We're also on Patreon now. You know, Gil Buchanan took a little bit of a backseat. But now if you join Patreon and you want some Gil content, Gil ads, unfiltered Gil, it's a great place for the Gilly beans. So go to our Patreon. But also we wanted to check in on Kevin.

Our Hunk with a Little Chunk is trying to lose some of that. Hunk with a Chunk. By the way, last second title. Hunk with a Little Chunk is a great title. Hunk with a Little Chunk. That is brutally humbling. Listen, it's something to put on your fridge when you're going in there to reach for the Rolos and the Oreos. You go, no. But a lot of people like Hunk with a Little Chunk. Here's Chubby Chasers. There's a whole industry for it. Ask Steve Berg. That's true.

Jeez, she was so hot, a 10 out of 10, and she was for sure a chubby chaser. She was loving what I was cooking. Oh, you should have seen what the makeup girl was doing. She was putting makeup all over my face, flirting with me by giving me like-

Chicks don't care, dude. It's all about who you are and how you act. Also, they like it physically. They like it. The more of me for them to love. They love it. Something to grab onto. A little cushion for the cushion. Yeah, a lot of cushion for a lot of cushion for not a lot of pushing. A lot of cushion for disappointing about a cushion. A lot of cushion for a push. A lot of cushion for very little pushing. Kevin, you're up.

It's been going well. I hit a little bit of a road bump where I went to a punk festival last weekend, and I'm sharing a video with you guys where I got a little too close to a mosh pit, and I'm still physically recovering. You got mosh pit hurt by not even going into the mosh pit? Hold on. Is that your scene? You like that? I'm getting into it more and more.

A friend had an extra ticket to an all day punk festival. As you age, you're getting more into mosh pits and punk festivals. That's the right way for your body to do it. So by like 57, you're going to be fully in the scene with a bunch of like violent 16 year olds who hate their parents. Both shoulders dislocated. Like, look at that. Iggy Pop looks great. Well, part of those mosh pits is like, you know, they'll nail each other and then like rubber, they'll bounce back up.

As the hunk with a little chunk ages, you'll go down and stay down in a grassy field, my man. As you say, it's probably not a good scene to get into as I get older, but it was very fun. Can I pitch you music? Yacht Rock. Yes. The Eagles are going to Vegas. They're going to be in. And I know that because. Don Henley's joining them.

And I know that because Eric Edelson has already been texting me, brother, we're going. It's magic. It's the ninth wonder of the world, brother. I have an Eagles story. My dad's a huge Eagles fan. When I lived in Glendale with Leah a couple years ago, my parents visited and they were calling me, oh, my God, Stevie Nicks is performing on Glendale Boulevard right now. Get here immediately. And I was like, I don't think that's true. And then we got there and then he said, yeah.

It's actually, it's a cover band, but I couldn't tell. She's great. He texted all of his friends and family, like, I can't believe I'm seeing Stevie Nicks and Glendale. This is crazy. But Stevie Nicks connected to the Eagles. Walk me through that. She's Fleetwood Mac. Oh, Fleetwood Mac. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm a young guy. Without further ado. Okay.

Hello? Hi there, sir. It's Gareth and Jake. We have a podcast that's called We're Here to Help. It's rocketing up the charts. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? My name is Steven. I'm 30, and I'm calling from Nova Scotia, Canada. Oh, beautiful, man.

Okay, great. And Jake's here. He's quiet, but once we get into it, he will be talking. Too much. Oh, there we go. What's going on? What can we help you with? So I've recently moved in with my girlfriend here. Nice. And everything's been sweet. And then there's just this one thing that came up the other day where our bedroom is east-facing.

And it gets the morning sun. It comes right in. And so the other day I kind of was like, well, hey, why don't I go out and get us some curtains and put up curtains? And her response to that was,

It was a very visceral reaction to curtains. And she literally said they are disgusting. And like, yeah. So, I mean, I was shocked. And this was all in the morning. So, I mean, we were just waking up.

I love our show. I love our show. This is great. I just want to be very clear. Your girlfriend hates curtains? Yeah. Allegedly, yes. Apparently. Stephen, well, here's the thing. Allegedly is even better. Here's the thing. And we'll get more into this, obviously. But you're right in that they block the sun. But she is right in that they're ugly.

But they're like very. Look, we all accept them. Yeah. But you take a beautiful space with windows facing the morning sun. But you know that feeling. And you want to put a beach towel over it. Yeah, but you know that feeling. First of all, that's a very classic Jake move. You know the feeling when the sun is like powering on your face to wake you up. Oh, I'm a big curtains guy. Yeah. I'm a blackout curtains guy. I'm a blackout curtains guy too. And if I don't have them, I just get blackout drunk. That's how I handle it.

Thank you very much, everybody. Everybody, that's the end of the show forever. Gareth will be at the Catskills this weekend. I'll be at the Yuckelchuck. So, Stephen, you brought up curtains. How long have you been with this lovely lady? What's a name we could call her? So this is Kim, and we've been together for over a year.

Have you ever been around her where there's curtains in the morning? I have to. Of course. Well, yeah, technically, actually, because we've been to hotels and stuff. And what are you doing in the hotel? The curtains are going down? Everyone's fine with that? Nope. They stay up, and she's never mentioned it before. All right.

What about her room, her room and her place? Surely before you guys moved in, you spent the night there. Curtains? Good question. No, they were in a curtain. Okay, so this just happened because... Interesting. All of a sudden the sun was hitting you and you said a very normal thing, and that is, we got to block that sun. And she looked at you like you were a fucking animal. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, she said we might as well hang blankets on the wall. Now, let me ask you this. Is your problem twofold? Is your problem partially how do we solve the logistical light hitting you in the face problem as well as...

I mean, it's a little weird to be like, curtains? Like, it's a little gaslight-y to be like, what are you talking about? I don't know. Are you trying to attack that problem at all, or are you just purely looking for the logistical pitches on how do we get the sun off of your face when you sleep?

I mean, to each their own, right? And like, if she has this kind of reaction to curtains, I mean, that's just whatever, a quirk. But, you know, I would like to try and get curtains as, like, I feel they are the best solution. Yeah, we all do. You and 99.9% of Planet Earth. Well, they're there

for a reason. Curtains have been invented because we all were like, that's crazy. Curtains work. Curtains work. But Stephen, let me ask you a question then that's going to end in you asking us a question. What is the question? Yeah.

This is a hell of a setup. How can I convince her to let me put up curtains? And I mean, I can do it myself. We don't have to even pay for anything. We just got to go buy the thing. No, no, we know how the curtain economy works. Yeah. So this is, Stephen, this is very interesting because I'll tell you the problem here for, just to start this pitch off.

is every once in a while you realize the person you're with might be Albert Einstein. Yeah. And she might be a goddamn genius because I know we don't have cameras here, but look at that wall, Gareth. Yeah, right. That looks disgusting. Yeah.

We're in a studio here with these beautiful gray walls, and then there's what looks like a theater curtain. Well, your instinct would be, sunlight is great for us. Your instinct is, we need it. We should have it. But we have all, as people, said, over this beautiful window that was built, that the architects designed for natural light, let's throw a disgusting theater curtain over it with this gross string that you have to go to the left on, and we all accept it. Yeah.

Besides sweet Kim. So, okay, yeah, I agree. Kim, her heart is in the right place. But the thing with curtains, right, is in the morning we can open the curtains. They're practical, yes. And we can then allow the day to start. But this is where we're starting to pitch. A version of a movable curtain, a.k.a. one of those cool Japanese privacy screens. Oh, like, right. So, Stephen, is this a rental or do you own it?

So she owns it, which is why we moved in. She owns it is a big answer. She owns it. Hey, buddy, say hi to that son every morning. Jesus Christ, my man. You're fucked. So you moved into her place. Yeah. Unfortunately, I was living with roommates prior to this. We all were. You hit pay dirt.

Yeah. You're in the big time without roommates. But you moved into an away game. Yes. I'm a visitor. Sadly, you're going to have that feeling forever, my guy. Truly. Just lean into it. She's going to be like, oh, it's always like that. Don't worry about it. You know what happens when you have kids? You live at an away game. Yeah. The stadium you bought becomes an away game. I currently am playing away games every game. When was the last time you had a home game? When I was alone on a vacation for work. Okay.

I got to the hotel room and I went like, this is a disgusting little hotel room. I'm alone. And I go, this is my home stadium. This is, this is, I'm drinking coffee out of the, one of those little disgusting. Uh, uh, there's something weird in the bathroom. And I went like home game. Oh,

Totally. You're just like, half of your bed becomes like takeout containers. Home game. This is fine. I'm having a home game. When I teased you years, not years ago, but episodes ago about taking a dump with the bathroom door open. Yes. Home game. Home game. Where you're like, that's a home game. Home game. I live in a visiting stadium. Yes, exactly. Yeah. But it's a nice day. I like the...

Well, it's great. I mean, you play there a lot. Yeah, I'm used to it. Of course. But this isn't about our weirdness. This is about your weirdness. Well, OK, here's to your answer of Kim's house. I mean, yeah, you're you can't you're not gonna be able to get it. OK, privacy screens. I got some pitches. Go ahead. Can we move the bed in another direction?

Can we move? Smart. Can we change the way the bed faces? So the bed is facing... And can we pretend that you get into feng shui? That's exactly... Yes. Can we scapegoat it? Can you say... It's not about the curtain. No, can you start today going, this is so weird. The dragon's gonna get clawed. I'm getting into feng shui. And then she'll go, cool.

They're like, the living room's perfect, but you know what I could use as a plant here? Mm-hmm. You know what the kitchen, do you mind if I move this in the kitchen? Slow. And then slowly, the bed's in the wrong spot. I like the idea of bread crumbing to, then you get to the bedroom. Now that I've got the plants where I want them. And she's got to like them, Stephen. Yes. Yeah, yeah, right. Well, that was really great. And you go, so this is really weird, but if we move the couch 15 degrees...

watch what happens and if she goes oh my god then you go now we got to move the bed away from the god damn i like feng shui steven what is your uh feeling on that just to start yeah that's pretty that's pretty good i do like that um the one issue i would have is like the light still gets fully into the room like it is it's morning sun there's no what do you oh you mean it's a big window like a bay window

Oh, yeah. It takes up like the whole wall. She's doesn't she's just like live in a greenhouse all day. So what's here's a question just so we can get because the feng shui move, I think, was right. But it's not going to work for us here. What's Kim's vibe? What does she do for work? Who is Kim?

So Kim, she's an English teacher. Great. And, you know, she's good fun. So, I mean, at first when she was kind of having this disgusted reaction and saying crazy things like hanging curtains or hanging up blankets on the wall and then calling curtains like bangs. Bangs. What an insult. I thought she was joking. Yeah, I get it. Steven, real quick. I don't want to kill the moment. Can I hear what it sounds like? Can we recreate the conversation very quickly? Yeah.

I'll be you and you be her just so we hear the tone that we're up against. And I'll do what Gareth does. I'll be the other neighbor Janice. No, I can't believe I'm getting Gareth. Hey, so I've been eating a lot of wonderful pistachios. They're like a sponsor of my favorite podcast, but I love the honey mustard. Janice, I'm about to talk to Kim. Okay, go ahead. I need to talk to Kim about some stuff.

Can you maybe go back to your house? Sure, hold on. But I'm going to spin out because I love to spin. Spin to the left, spin to the right. Spin to the left, spin to the right. I also love these shoes. Watch my shoes go. Oh my God, I sound like a duck. Janice, get the fuck out of here. Rude. Get the fuck out of our house.

Hey, Kim. First of all, God, I can't believe you've lived next to her for so long. What a nightmare. So I am at the window. Janice, Janice, Janice, Janice, Janice, Janice, Janice. Yeah. Out of our yard because I guess you're outside now. All right. Let me just climb up. No, don't climb up. Get Janice. Janice. There's no way down. Janice, you're just supposed to be a small piece of pepper in this.

You're now the fucking broth. Stop.

This was a fake call. This was to teach you a lesson. Steven, come in the room. You got to admit it was fun, though. It's so fun. All right. All right. All right, Steven, I'm you. Hey, Kim. God, I love it here. It's so great. I was thinking the sun keeps kind of hitting me every time in the morning. So it kind of like wakes me up. Same with me. Janice. Sorry, I'm done. I was thinking maybe we get some curtains to cover up that huge window just to maybe block out the sun a little bit to help me sleep.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean? What's disgusting? Curtains? Yeah.

Well, we could get a nice pair that you liked and hang them to just kind of block the sun out in the morning. They're like all one color that's not the color of the wall or they're like too vibrant of a pack. That's an insane thing to suggest. Wow. Curtains come in a lot of different colors. How do you even clean curtains? Oh, by the way, how do you clean curtains?

You can take them in somewhere. How much fight? How much fighting were you doing back during this? Yeah. Can we do one other thing really fast? Because that was way more interesting than I expected. Can you do this like a true maniac and play both parts? And we'll split Janice? Yeah, of course.

Janice has a friend in town, just so you know. Janice's twin sister. No, they're Chinese twins. Janice and Janice. So just interrupt us when it starts and you're playing both parts. Hey, do you like pistachios? I love pistachios. We share a stomach. Can't interrupt us. Curtains. Disgusting. Why would we do curtains? Oh, no, yeah. I can see that you don't like curtains. Is there anything else we could do? Could you

Could you elaborate a little bit further on what's wrong with curtains? Too nice. And then she went into, well, how do you clean them? They look like bangs and they go all the way to the floor. Because she didn't know that curtains that are like just half, that just cover just the window existed. So she thought they all go right to the floor, which is also a little shocking. What the fuck? Okay. So one thing, Steve. It's shocking how little she knows about curtains. But there's one thing, Steve. You were up against a lot. That I just got in that dynamic.

She's killing you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If this is a jujitsu, Matt, you're a one stripe white belt. She's a black belt. You're the Jake and she's every other student. I wouldn't say it like that. No, but it's true. Did you tell her that curtains can be cleaned and that they don't have to go to the floor? Well, I have a pitch for that. Okay. Not would you.

I need you to go and I need you to tell her you're hanging curtains up. Or she's at school all day. You just put curtains up. I mean, put, you know what I mean? So when we're starting this direction, Stephen.

How does that make your body feel? Are we going the wrong direction? If we're saying every once in a while when you get to a new land back in the days of just grabbing territory, the way you claim it is you plant a flag. You don't say, I guess this is mine. Can I have this mountain?

As a visiting team, you want me to just kind of hang my jersey up? Yes. And just say, this is my mind now. You know, Sammy Sosa, the great Chicago Cub, when he started doing a lot of steroids and hitting home runs, it still wasn't his team yet. So what he did is he brought a boombox and he started blasting his music at a volume that was supposedly so unthinkably loud that reporters couldn't even ask people questions during it.

Not near his locker? Because you know what he did? He made it his locker room.

This probably makes you feel uncomfortable, but it is a way to just be like, boom, we have curtains. And think about the kind of curtain she would like. Or give a pitch. You had a minute now to recalibrate. She comes home from work and say, look, I really want to just talk about curtains. You can pick them out. We can get the color you like. We can get it so they get put away right as soon as we wake up. Let me put a pitch on this.

Steven, there's the type of curtains that you can get that are electric. Yeah, they're the best. That go up and they hide in the little awning at the top. Yep. It's a job, but they go away completely. They go away completely. And they're remote control. And they're remote control. And there's just a little trim at the top from your window. Does that window go all the way to ceiling or is there a little bit of a space that you could hang it on in?

There's the space for the curtain rod to go above the window there. You're talking curtain rod, my king. I'm talking about a weird little box thing that looks pretty.

It's like a curtain garage. It's like a curtain garage. So maybe what the move is, is she doesn't want something disgusting. And I'll tell you why. Cause Kim has a little bit of taste. Yeah. So it's not wrong, but is there, there might be a world of showing her beautiful options. So you could say on a Friday night, present her,

You know, maybe give her some wine, a back massage. I was going to say, a couple cocktails. Maybe you put some lingerie on. You know, let her see what she's got at her home field. Yeah. This guy made me some linguine. He's wearing lingerie? He's wearing lingerie. Something cute. Cook her something nice. Pour her her favorite glass of whatever she likes. Yep.

You know, just let the smells of delight enter her body and then go, can I show you something? She thinks you're going to show some dick pics. But you're not, Steven. You're showing her curtains.

I like that, Steven. I think that that's, I mean, you take a real earnest approach. You now know her attitude towards curtains. You can take a minute to be like, look, this is. This means a lot to me. Yeah, it's sleep. Here's another pitch. I got one more too. Go ahead. Eye masks. Yep. I was thinking eye masks. Sleep mask. But here's what I, okay, so that, let's leave that one. Yeah. Here's the follow-up to that. Okay. Start to make this a problem for you.

So you wear an eye mask. You go, you know, I know you don't like curtains. I'll wear an eye mask. You put an eye mask on.

But in the morning when the curtains are not there and the sun's hitting your face, you go, oh, man. And then the next morning you say, I think I'm just going to like sleep on the couch for a little bit longer. I didn't sleep because of the sun. And you start kind of making it like a kind of a problem for your mornings together. Yeah. And see if she then comes back around. Something in that. Steven, can you out the window? Can you see any other buildings? Mm hmm.

No, we just looked out onto the parking lot of the building. I was going to say, you either say you caught somebody looking in, or you saw a beautiful naked woman. The parking lot being the parking lot of the building. It's just the house you're in, right? No, no, we're in a car window. Okay, well then I think you could say what Jake's saying. Is there any way anybody could be looking in? There's a guy in a car who... I think I saw a guy jerking off looking in our window. Jerking off looking into the window. I mean, look, we're getting weird, Stephen, but...

You could present it as the other part of curtains are not bangs. Yeah. But you know why we have eyebrows? To stop the sweat. They're not cosmetic. I'll go. Listen, we're giving you a breath. Here's another one. You guys have sex one night, regular. Two hours. Not two hours. What the fuck are you talking about? Hour 45. Keep it short. Oh, is it? Yeah, that is crazy. Jake. Different guys. Jake. Jake.

How many orgasms do you give her? 12? What are you talking about? Sorry, sex. I guess we define it differently. Go on. Oh, my God. Look, once it's over... Anyway, so you give her the old whatever, and then when you're done, you go, there's someone in there. I think someone was just watching us. You know? And you know how we could stop that? Curtains. Right. So curtains are also... They're not just weird rugs over windows. They are... Protective. Protective. So...

We've given you a lot of shit loads. We've given you a lot of ingredients, but you're going to have to be the chef here, Steven. So where are you thinking? Well, I am. I'm liking the like the retractable, you know, hide away up into the, you know, above there. Curtain garage, as you guys put it. I think that would be good.

There's a store in, I know in California at least, called The Shade Room. I don't know if they're a chain that's up in Canada, but you can Google Shade Room for options, and if they are not up there, you can see what they're using to connect to a place near you. Yeah, to pitch her as well.

But those really work well. They're great. It's an easy way to do it, but it's not like new technology. It's cool. Yeah. Slow down. They're awesome. I just stayed in a hotel with them, and I was like, oh, it's the best. It's nice. And so you're going to go that route? And what's your plan B if she says we're not spending that kind of money? Because look, I'll tell you what, it's not a beach towel. It's going to cost you something. Yeah, it's not going to be cheap. I think plan B at this point,

is probably the sleep mask. And then maybe just kind of make a meal out of how much it's really bothering me. How about a really cheesy sleep mask that she doesn't like? Because she's obviously a woman with big opinions and she's obviously a woman with hot takes. So what could be something that you know, like a sleep mask with eyes on it that she hates? A weird one. Garfield. Garfield.

And then you go like, I would, but it's literally because of the sun. And then you go, kind of dealer's choice. Yeah. Do you want the eye mask or do you want curtains? Well, you get to pick out your own eye curtains. Yes. So, all right, you're decorating yourself. Yeah. So would you rather it on my face or on our window? It could be like naughty women pictures on the front of them. So what would she hate on an eye mask? I think, honestly, if it just had like,

eyes on it. Yeah, that's pretty dope. You know what you could also do? You could get custom ones made of curtains. Oh, that would be great. So that on your eye mask, it's curtains on a window where she has to look at them and she's like, oh, I hate curtains. That's great. I know, me too. I like that too. All right. I think that's a winner too. I think if anything, I'll do a combination of the shades

that retracts into a garage and then a curtain eye mask. Will you follow up with us? I think you're going to win here, but you got to block that, son. Yeah. I'll definitely follow up with you guys. I appreciate all the help. This has been fantastic. Yeah, thanks so much for the call. And if it doesn't go well, you can call back and we can even help try to pitch her for a minute. Yeah. And also, I'm still here! Goodbye, Steve. We got to go. Janice just broke through the window. Hey, guys, what's going on? Janice just jumped through the window and is bleeding.

With my sister! Hey! Hello, guys. Hi there. Here we go. America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, please?

But the number like 350th on YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. Don't count YouTube. Asterix. I'll give you a fake name. Since my husband and I are a fan of hoops, I'm going to go with Opal. Oh, wow. Gareth was an executive producer on the show. That's why I didn't come back for another season. He did many voices. I did. Who did you do? Do you remember? I did a weird violinist voice.

I did like a bunch. Yeah, I don't remember. A lot of a lot of, you know, filler. Opal played by the great Cleo King. She'd be a great guest. Yes, she was. She is so funny. OK, Opal, how old? Roughly 40. OK. And where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the tri-state area. Okay, wow. A lot of protection here. We like that. Okay, what's going on? So, to put it shortly, I'm the oldest of three sisters, and my middle sister recently informed me that my dad got an Instagram, and she doesn't think he's aware that his followers aren't private and that everybody can see them because it's all just like...

Instagram models and one page in particular is called women's butts. Women's butts? Oh no. Oh, this is awesome. This is awesome. We were just talking about our algorithms. We were. We sent pictures of our algorithms to each other to be like, this is what it offers. So your dad on Instagram is following people. He doesn't realize everyone can see it. He's just using it as a porn machine. Oh my God. This is humongous.

This is awesome. This is awesome. You said you're 40. So dad, seven, zero. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. Roughly pops. I found an account called women's, but I'll tell you the thing that's just disgusting and comedic about men. It never ends. Now, even when this guy tells you it's over, it ain't over. It's like seven years old going like,

I can't hit the keyboard. Women's beauty. And by the way, with like porn readily available, but he's still like, but also why women's butts? Come on. He's a butt man. He's better. He's a butt daddy. He's a butt guy. How about being a little bit more specific? Dad, does any women's, just a woman, any, any butt in any outfit of any color and any size. So are there any other funny accounts that you've seen? Like funny names?

I didn't want to really do that deep dive. When we were younger, we found his porn stash. Oh, damn. I want to revisit that. Can I ask a question? If we bleep out the account name, Kevin, can we bring it up and can we have a little look at what we're dealing with here? She sent a screenshot. I can crop it. Okay. All right. Great. Okay. So we're getting this set up.

dad looks at a lot of stuff he doesn't know you guys have found his porn stash in the past that happened to my siblings and i with my dad when he first got his own apartment we saw a stack of playboys where were they right next to his bed so he was like whatever yeah he didn't expect that to come over right well now he now he couldn't get rid of you he could he

Like an hour and a half later. All right, boys. You've seen enough. So, Opal, where are we at here, kid? What's the problem? What's the question? What do we do? How do we get you out of this muck? So, when my sister brought it up to us, I think it was also part of our significant other's group chat. They were like, somebody, you guys need to get your man type thing. So funny. Get your boy. Because he does...

he does exactly. So he does follow us and, you know, and I, we follow them too. And he's, he's a, he's a cool dad for, you know, a lack of better words. So our friends like him, but I don't want them to be like, Oh great. You know,

You know, Barry's got an Instagram. That's not his name. Let me let me let me follow him. So we just saw his thing. He's only following 55 people. And a lot of them seem to be attractive women. Exactly. There's not a lot of people. So it's really easy to see.

So it's like a lot of young girls. It's shock. There's one, there's an old timer, which is cool. Which I love. I love that he's following his friend. And then by the way, the women's butts one is just, but I will say what I like about it is that it's a little bit different. It is also, it's,

Beautiful butts. Yeah. So this isn't like it's not just all like butts and boobs. He's following very specific younger ladies who are creeping out on the Internet. It's pretty much one guy he's friends with and then women that he can't fuck. I just wonder why he follows them. So what is the specific question, Opal? So I guess it's should I? Did someone approach this? And if so, how?

How? I got a pitch. I got a couple. Okay, go ahead. You go first. Well, the first thing I think you could do is in a conversation with one of your siblings, just ask,

Mention anecdotally how embarrassed you got by someone being able to see someone that you followed that you did. Like you could even say like my significant other actually got mad because I was following an ex on my Instagram and I didn't even realize that he could see it. But you can see everyone that someone follows. So I had to unfollow my ex because I didn't want everyone to know I'm following an old ex while I'm with someone else. So I had to change who I was following.

So people didn't know who I was following. Something like that. I got a different move here, Opal. More butts. Okay. I would make an account of your butt and catfish him. That's a joke. That's a joke. And then you'd go like, Dad, you're looking at your daughter's butt. And he'll go like, I'll never look at the internet again. Not what I'm pitching. Not what I'm pitching. Here's what I'm pitching. Of his son-in-law's

Does he have a favorite? I think so. I don't mean who he loves the most, but... The one with the biggest butt is his favorite. Is there one of the guys... Is there somebody there he talks a little shit with, he has a connection with, maybe talks sports, where they treat each other more like buddies as opposed to like, my partner's father?

Like, for example, my wife's dad, when it's just he and I together, there is way more of a buddy vibe. If my mother-in-law is there, too, then it's my in-laws. But when he and I are alone, he's a big football fan. We can go we can just talk. We could chop it up. Is there somebody who can kind of just chop it up with your dad? They kind of all three are like that with them. But I say maybe my my husband or the middle sister. OK, so your husband, let's give him a name.

I'd call him up Ron. Ron. So here's what I would say. I, Ron also from hoops. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Ron punches. I like it. So here's what I would do if I were you, I would have Ron go to your dad without you, without your sisters and pretend as if he found it and go like, Hey boss, we got to talk. And he's going to go, what? And he goes, you know, your fucking Instagram buddy, uh,

You can look at people's followers and he goes, so what? And I go, so if I seen that you got big butts in a creepo, your daughters are going to see that soon. Everybody, your life is. And he goes, here's what you do. Unfollow them and just look on your search. But never follow these men. You don't know what you're doing. I like everything up until there. This is what I say. Come up with a list of 50 famous people.

And just saturate your followers so that it's over. Yeah. You're populated with other ones. The algorithm will favor the big butts and all that. But you're saying keep following them. But you need to be following a thousand people by Wednesday. Yes. Up your followers. So up the people you follow. Here's what I hear. Or. Yeah. I guess going private doesn't really do anything. So here's what here's where we're pitching. You got to lean on Ron.

And Ron's got to either tell him either you need 500 followers by Friday or you have to stop following because your count is so low.

It's too clear. Everybody can see. We know what you're after. And we all know what you're doing. And I'm just telling you, in this world of social media, it's just a real goobers move. The reason I'm telling you is, A, it's hilarious. And B, we're pals. Yeah. And then he's going to go like, oh, fuck, does my kids know? And they go, I don't think anyone's looked yet. I just look. Does he do you know if Ron follows your dad?

I don't think so. I haven't checked the followers since then. The catalyst might be he goes, I just saw you on Instagram, boss. I just started following you. I got to tell you something. Yes, that's the move. Have him follow him and then have this conversation. Opal, what do you think of that? I think it's clean. Honestly, I like both. I do think Ron will hate it because just the awkwardness of it, but I kind of want to do the second one instead.

just talking out loud about how we shouldn't be like, Oh, I didn't realize I followed that you could see my followers sort of thing. But I think, I think yours is more plausible though. Okay. But if you're looking to save the embarrassment, you could start it off via a group text and tell a funny text story about how,

all you didn't realize everybody else could see your followers on Instagram and Twitter and you had a really embarrassing thing just happen yeah you'd be like I was really fucking following like the guy from saved by the bell I'm like a fangirl and then I got teased oh my god or have one of your sisters tease you

Now it's just indirect. He might go like, I don't even know what they're talking about. Yeah. He might miss that signal. If he misses it, then Ron has to go in knife to throat and kill this problem. Yeah. Well, that was a, took a dark turn, but yeah. What do you think? I actually liked that. Cause we do have a family group chat. The one thing I'm kind of just back my mind afraid of. What if he's like,

aware of this and he's just like fuck it let him know i follow women's butts well then that's another call but you know that's another call and and i'll tell you what you do then you unfollow yes and let him do if he knows and he's and he's gonna cross that line then all right listen i just don't want a part of my dad looking at the women's butts i when i lived with my dad in 2003 i

we shared his computer and I found a folder of stuff I didn't want to see. - What was the folder labeled? - Ken stuff or something like that. Maybe even like taxes, something like that. - Yeah, that's more of that. - I can't remember. I think it was just Ken stuff. And I hid it because I was just being a fucking little weasel. I don't even know why I got there. And I did see a JPEG that I didn't open that said Britney Spears.

And then another one that had the word pissing in it. Oh, no. True story. And because of my relationship with my dad and who I am, instantly I went, Krakow, what you doing here, big dog? And he goes like, I don't even know how I got on your computer. And I go, I didn't save that pissing video. That's not the way desktops work, my man. They don't jump in and save themselves in a folder. And he's like,

You're crazy. You did this. And the long story short was after the teasing and the laughing, he left the folder up. Wow. So you want to know what happened? I never opened it again. Do what you want to do, my man. So you're just saying, I think this is a problem. Here's a bandaid. If he says it's not a problem, well, it's not. He's not hurting anybody. No, I think then I would, if I were you, then I think you just leave the conversation. But I do think it is worth it.

saying, I don't know if you know

that we know that you like big beautiful women's butts i think i think i like jake's pitch of ron doing that you can start with the family text and just be like i'm so embarrassed ron just discovered that i follow whatever you know the problem is if you go hard on that then you can't do the other one yeah you can you can yeah yeah so we're getting from kevin we gotta go on so opal it is on you what are you gonna do i think i'm going to i think i'll do the i'm gonna loop ron in where

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Caller, are you there? Yes, I'm so sorry. That's okay. What are you apologizing for? Not hearing you? That's okay. Well, listen, it's the big time. Here we are. We're here to help you out with Jake and Gareth. What's your name? What's your age? Where are you calling from? Wow, so wild. My name is Sam. I'm actually calling from Los Angeles, but I normally live in London. Whoa. And I'm 29. Whoa. Why are you in LA instead of London?

I'm here for work, hence why it was such a struggle to get onto this call. What do you do for work, Jamie? I don't want to go into it too much. It's within your guys' world. Movies. Face-to-face. Modeling. Jake and I do a lot of modeling. Do you do beach stuff or clothes stuff or just face stuff? Okay, what's going on? What can we help you with?

Okay. So I have been dating this guy for like two months now and a few dates and he told me that he was in a band and I was like, okay, great. And he gave me the name of the band to look up and I listened to the music and it was literally like so bad. I stopped. I stopped listening like 20 seconds in. Like it was so painfully bad. I was like, oh my God, it's okay though. We are only a few dates in like, he's not going to bring it up again, you know? And then I got pregnant. Yeah.

And then, yeah, literally. And now we're two months in. And, like, last week he asked me, like, what my favorite song on the album was. And I didn't, I never listened past that, like, 40 seconds. Sam, this is trouble. It's so bad, you guys. The songs are, like, four minutes long. Sam. We have, like, a British guy. So it's, like, a British singer trying to, like, kind of rap. Oh, no. That's what I was going to ask. The genre. There's so much happening. Oh, that's tough. That's tough.

so rough and like I didn't know what to say so I told him like couldn't really hear it when I listened on the tube which was a lie because I didn't know what to say so I need your guys' help because also like A I don't know what to do and say to him but B his band performs and I don't want to subject any of my friends to like bringing them to these like performances like I don't even want to go but I'm like okay well I have to go but like

But like, who do I bring? Okay. What do we call in this guy? Oh, God. Liam. I don't know. DJ Liam. Can we call him DJ Liam? Sure. DJ Liam is good. Okay. So Sam, Sam. Yes. Sometimes on this show, we go long and pitch a lot and really try to help. And sometimes we are just the weird uncles that sometimes you don't want.

My uncles growing up, a lot of times I'd be talking to him and I'd be like, this isn't what I want to hear, but it's what I need to hear. I'm excited to hear where you're going to go. There's not a chance you should stay with DJ Liam. Sam, you don't respect. Here's what the love story is going to be from your point of view. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he stopped his dream?

Because I like him. And his is, I really hope I get the girl of my dreams, Sam, and the career of my dreams, and I'm out there rapping around the world, and my lady who's also in the entertainment game is doing her thing, and we are killing it. And you're going, yeah, no, I'm going to do my thing. You're terrible. Okay, I'm going to ask a couple questions and then kind of echo a little bit of what Jake's saying, but there might be an out. Okay.

You really like this guy love this guy almost like we're headed I definitely I to be honest like I don't know if he's my forever person okay, but well right now We're on this can down the road a little bit okay. You're a year you're two years in You have events two years and you want to bring him to these events Where you have people that you're gonna work with people that you're trying to network with all this bullshit And then you've got DJ Liam

Fucking making himself little bread sandwiches. And then when he's talking to someone that you're like a prospective person you might work with, he's going, yeah, no, I'm kicking it all the time. You got really work on it. I'll be playing DJ Land. No, no, no, no. I know you got mad when I started there because you were setting up to do the voice. I was on a roll. No, we both knew you were just doing this whole two years thing. Your face, you go like this.

All right. Fine. I'll be the person then that you might be working with. Hey, so I was talking to Sam earlier. She said you are in music. Is that right? First of all, I went to international school. I'm sorry. What happened? Oh, I went to international school. You went to national school? No, son. Piggly.

All went to international school. Basically, Piggly. Ultimate insult. Why are you calling me Piggly? This is back to you, Sam. Well, I mean, I don't think I would mention his music to anyone. But he will. But Sam, hold on. He will. We got to live on planet Earth here, Sam. I'm sorry. Some of us have to adjust to our name, Piggly.

I felt when I started there was an insult, but I forgot what it was. But I was already bot committed. There's some insult. Piggly hurts. Yeah, piggly hurts. Don't worry. You got it. I just don't know what it means. I mean, I think it means I'm piggish. Well, piggly is worse. But Sam.

You've been with this guy for two months. He's not your forever guy. You hate his music. What are we doing here, man? I don't know. It's hard to date right now. Is it? Of course it is. Yeah, it is. But Sam. But Sam. Well, here's another option. Yeah. Yeah. Next time he asks, just tell him. Ooh.

And just see what happens. The person I'm dating right now, I would say at times is not like. Careful, Gareth. Isn't. Careful. I'm being careful. Is maybe not like, oh, I will want to like consume all your content. Yeah. And that's OK. Not OK. That's not going to work for you. No, that will work for me. It's going to kill you. It is. It really isn't because I'm just like. It's fine. I mean, I'm up there. Would you think of my special accent? And then she'll go. Ah.

No, she'll like that. She'll like that. What if she doesn't? What if she thinks your stand-up is terrible? Even if she'll know enough to be like... But we're talking of connecting to Sam. Okay. What if your lovely lady called in a podcast because she goes... Well, that would be different. But my boyfriend, Gareth, is great. He's a sweet guy. He's the worst comedian I've ever seen. Well, that... Oh, come on.

What do you think DJ Liam thinks? I don't think I'm the DJ Liam of stand-up. Neither, but we're trying to connect to that. You connected it to you. You think there's any chance you could make that work? If it was that bad...

No, but she could say, but what she could say is, look, I support what you do. Stop it. I want you to do really well. Sam. But it's not my cup of tea. When I met my wife, she was an artist. And before we could start, she came and saw an improv show I was doing at the old Improv Olympic. Shout out. I worked my hardest in a sloppy show to get her to laugh. And then afterwards, we went to her art studio.

And we had to, we both had to admit to each other. She goes like, I thought you were really funny. And I was like, I love the work you're doing. Without that, you can't start. Because when she goes, I go, hey, what are you doing Friday night? And then she's like, why don't I go, I'm free. You want to get dinner? And she goes, I'm going in the art studio. And I go, to do that chicken scratch? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. It ain't going to work. Yes. But you have to say, I'm so happy you're doing that DJ Liam, because the music you're making is not only helping your soul. It's great for people and it's the best. And I love it too. Go ditch me tonight. There were years before I had kids. My wife was up in Claremont in school. She would be gone, but I'd be psyched because she's in the studio doing great work. But she's,

DJ Liam in it. Get the fuck home and watch some TV with me. That's nonsense. Well, I think he's right in the sense that you want to at least have a modicum of respect for what the person you're with is doing, even if you don't necessarily understand it or overly embrace it. And if you really have no connection to him at all and what he's doing, you're in a dead end. But which leads us to Sammy. What is your question today?

Well, my question is, is there something I could say that's like more vague, you know, that says I listened to it. It's,

it's not my style but i support you within within that there is okay if that's the pitch that's easy see we were trying to move a mountain and you're talking about walking up a couple steps of it we can get you there for sure i'll handle the long-term effects respect so then first of all i want to say apologize for all the unsolicited advice and if you guys get married we will speak absolutely without question we'll make a video

We will. We will get Lamar. Oh, my gosh. You have to listen to his song and you'll understand why. Can we do we have any of his music? I sent the name to Kevin, but only if you promise not. Yeah, we won't air it. We're not going to air it. Then we might not. Well, we maybe. So I think we could get a laugh if we wanted out of us hearing it for a minute. No, you can't. No, we won't air it.

But I think if we hear it, it could pepper the steak a little bit for us. Let's just see if it's there. But then if what we're talking about while Kevin's looking is what we're talking about, then is something even more simple. You're just looking for a line of

- basically he says what you think of my newest album Peggy and you say Really great stuff and he goes what you like the most piglet You like track number one going up near Saint Cathedrals Bell or number two Oh my god, I'm a guy from the north and been bitten by a snake or something in his tongue swelling. No, okay Sounding less and less lesson was what international graduate. Oh

Clean your ears out. Stop calling me Piggly. I'm ready for the advice. Oh, God. Here's the advice. Sam, you be DJ Liam, and I'm going to be you. And then you're going to do it right back and forth. We're going to go rapid fire. Then you ask Gareth and you ask me. Just keep asking us and we're going to give you a line. But you're DJ Liam, and I need a little bit of his accent from you.

Hey, did you listen to my album? I just sent it to you the other day. You hadn't given me any thoughts. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's a total, yeah, it's a banger. Great stuff. Do you want to get some dinner? What part did you like? Which songs? You know, honestly, I'm not a huge music person, so I just, you know, I had it when I was working out and it pushed me. I jogged faster. That is pretty good. Thanks for the response.

But just like, you know, you're just basically saying I'm not huge into this style of music. I'm doing podcasts. Yeah, I really only listen to podcasts. Yeah. But now, Sam, will you ask Gareth? Yes. Yes. So what was your favorite song on the album? Oh, God. I mean, I really did enjoy a lot of them. What my favorite part is what you do. The music isn't like necessarily my cup of tea, but the way you do what you do, I really like. I mean, could you even hear me then?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I could hear you. Yeah. But like to me, like I would love I love hearing you. I love your voice. But the band and the music to me is just not what I'm used to listening to. That's a more negative take. I mean, let's keep going. He's the drummer. I feel like he's the drummer. Oh, we thought he was the singer. No, no, no. He's the drummer. What do you mean? Oh, somebody else is rapping.

Somebody else is rapping. Oh, that's a lot easier. This is a totally different thing. That's a lot easier. So, Sam, we didn't realize he was the drummer. Way easier. Way easier. Simple. Then you go. Oh, you're such a good drummer, but the guy is a bit of a dick. Or you just go, it's not my style of music, but the fucking drumming was great. And then you go, honestly, the way you drum is sexy. Yeah.

That's great. And he goes, great. And you go, I did. I'd never been with a drummer before. When you're pounding those drums, you know what I mean? Wow. But yeah, I think a lot easier if I thought it was his band. Yeah, we were picturing like the weird little like English rap guy, which is kind of a tool. And then you can't go on with it with the drummer. He can be in other bands. Yeah. Yes. You probably will be. He's just drumming. Yeah. Does he even like this band?

Well, it's his best friend. So, yeah, it's OK. That's OK. I think you can say, look, I love DJ Liam. He's really great. But, you know, to me, that's not my style of music. But you're a great drummer. I'm like so impressed with Sam. Will you ask me again now that he's a drummer and I can give you some advice on how to do this? And by the way, is it just listening? Is there video? Is there a music video? Because it's easier to see. Oh, my God. Thank God. No. OK, just music.

But the songs are like four minutes long. Wait, four minutes is long for a song? You ever heard Led Zeppelin? Oh, gosh. They used to do 17-minute bangers. Yeah. Wait, are we talking about TikTok? It's got to be eight seconds? This is called a long form. Four minutes is long form. Okay, so ask me. I'm going to be you. You are not DJ Liam because DJ Liam is the lead singer. You're the fucking cool drummer guy. Yeah.

drummer liam drummer liam sure and that's cooler than dj liam way better so what what did you get a chance to listen to the new stuff like we're so proud of it yeah you should be it's fucking awesome what was your favorite song honestly i don't really i had it on when i was exercising i didn't really necessarily have a favorite i don't know this genre but honestly it was such a turn on listening to you drum and knowing that was you it was just really exciting for me it's real good

Oh, that is good. Real good. And that's really vague. You're saying, like, I'm not your number one fan in terms of the band, but I'm really into you, and I think you're cool. Yeah. This is why I needed to call in, because I feel like my girlfriends were like, no, you need to tell him he's terrible. I think they did what we did at the beginning. Now, can we do one more where Gareth is Drummer Liam, and you're you, and let's see how it actually goes? Okay, deal. Hey, babes, you all right? How you been?

Doing great. Darling, I was just wondering, you got the email with the song on it, haven't you? Like the new album we've got. I did. What did you think? Yeah. Did you like it? What were you feeling? So many bangers. What do you mean? She liked the record or not, man. Liam's here. Fucking Piggly. Talked like blah, blah, blah. Fucking Liam. Does she fucking like it or not? She's a fucking wank, man. Stop calling me Piggly.

I'm a different guy. We're those Galaham brothers or whatever they are. Galaga. Galaga. I fucking hate you, mate. I love you. Christ. We had a tough childhood. Now stop. I'm in the middle of something. But we're geniuses. Not really, honestly. One of us is. We were for a moment. You're just on the piss and you never show up. We lost all our money. No, we haven't. I'm doing well.

All right, try again, Sam. Ready? And Sam, you want to just compliment... Give her the line again. Sam, the idea of it is you go, I'm not... It's not really my style of music, but it was a real turn on hearing you drum. It was great. It was really fun. Thanks for sending it. You're just complimenting him. Moving on. Ready? Okay. Hi, Babs. Hey. Hey. Mwah.

All right, fuck it. Did you have a chance to listen to the album I sent you? What do you think? You like it? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. So cool to hear you guys. Yeah. I mean, I don't normally listen to that type of music, but you guys crushed it. It was like so energetic and like it's really like sexy that you're like in a band and I can hear you on my way to work.

Well, fucking bingo. There you go. I'm on the line, too. What do you think about the DJ rap? Click hung up. OK, but by the way, again, Sam, that was perfect. That's perfect. OK, wait, Kevin's got something. Sam, I was listening to some of the tracks while you guys were chatting. He is a good drummer, legitimately. OK, that's good. Yeah, no, he is. It does give very like British 311. Yeah.

when the vocals come in it is funny so you're not wrong it's hard to get to just the drumming if i could just listen to the drumming like no problem i will just focus on the drumming when you're complimenting that's pretty much what you did in that yeah actually sam if you do that if i were him i view that as a huge win totally it was really sexy and fun listening on my way to work thanks for sending it yeah anyway should we get dinner i go good enough

It's like doing an improv show and then the person you care about being like, you're really funny. Exactly right. And you're like, okay, that's all I need to hear. I didn't understand the form. Why did you guys all pretend to be in a firehouse? I don't know. It was dumb, but I was funny. And why was everybody wearing khakis and button downs? Stupid. It's not great. I mean, it's Tuesday night. It's weird. The show is free. Sam, we got to go. I think this is a win for you. Yeah. It's a win for me too. Let us know how it goes. Appreciate you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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Hey everyone, Producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on January 22nd. The episode is called A Face for Animated Spider-Man with Stavros, and it is the first call from that episode. So if you'd like to listen to that as a quick refresher, go for it. And before I let you go, without spoiling anything, there's a picture at the end of this follow-up that I highly, highly, highly recommend you check out.

The link for that is in the episode description. And check that out after you listen to the follow-up. Don't spoil it for yourself, but it's great. Okay, enjoy.

Hi there. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know you're a follow-up. We have no clue what the follow-up is, so can you tell us about your first call? I will say Gil came out there for two words. We don't know what the follow-up is. We're not sure what the follow-up is, but we would love to learn about it. Now, can I get your name, please? My name is Amber. Amber. Beautiful. The mosquito was kept in there, and that's how they made Jurassic Park.

Can we also get your first call? What was your first call about, please, Amber? Don't boo me. Put it back in the box. All right, I'm out of here, but it was good to see everyone. All right, bring him back out. Velociraptor. Velociraptor is the box. All right, Amber, what do you got? Hey, my first call was about my friend Max in the basement. Do you guys remember him? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were on Stompy's episode.

You got a sex doll that was too heavy and you didn't know what to do. You throw tires for a living. You made some money. You bought this doll and now you just kind of want to fuck it and stop making OnlyFans. Yeah, you basically got it. So now my question is,

Um, what else could I do with this doll? Amber, hold on. You don't have to ask a question to start. You need to catch us up. What has been happening? Yeah. I'm sorry. There's nothing really to, uh, okay. You know what? There is, there is one thing to add. So my fiance has been slowly adding boxes of books to,

around max so now he's even harder to get to that's right or he's a librarian which is sexy or he's like a writer right no no words needed you're a doll okay so he's now like uh he's like a hunky writer that's cool okay so he's kind of sectioned him off for lack of a better term

Yeah, basically. And I did get him a lovely outfit, but yeah, so now he's, he's even more impossible to get to. So I haven't filmed anything. Amber, you drop bombs and then you move past them. We got to see what that bomb does for damage. What kind of outfits?

Okay. So I got him some military fatigues. Nice. Holy shit. Thank you for your service. Thank you for the service, Max. After you bang him, thank you for your service. So he's a military guy. So he's a military guy. Your fiance is not being a team player. He's making it harder and harder to get to this goddamn soldier.

Question for you, Amber. Are you making any OnlyFans or has that faded? Well, until I finish digging out the trenches, so to speak. It's kind of at home. Oh, Max does. Yeah. Max gets out of there. If you make an OnlyFans with him, you should be a sergeant and refer to him as private parts. Yes. So you have not been able to make OnlyFans because you haven't been able to get to the soldier. See,

Yeah. Yeah. Is that right? Okay. No man left behind. I feel it's weird because I think if you really wanted to be doing stuff with him, you could, there is a logistical hurdle, but is the want really there, Amber? But weren't we there before in the want? Yeah. Once she bought it, she just kind of wanted a sex toy. That's what, yeah. Right. Is that right? Yes. So yes, that's true. That's awesome. But you know, I don't just want to have this thing hanging around forever. Yeah.

Like you guys said in the last episode, my son's going to grow up and he's going to have more questions. So,

I gotta, I gotta do something with it. These are, yeah, these are the fucking years. We got to sell it. What are we talking? Oh, no, no. She's talking, she's talking, get it on some arrangement with like a wire so she can bang the hell out of max for a couple of years, get bored of it and get rid of it until when the kid grows up, max is shipped off to another war. Yeah. Deployed. There's some lady in Cincinnati. He's got to go fight. Oh,

And so, Amber, remember we were talking. I have a memory of we were going to put him in your bedroom. In my bedroom. Yeah. And then the fiance was a no on that. He's hard to move. We were talking about maybe putting him on wheels. You know what? I'm going to pitch to you just because now that I'm hearing what the fiance is doing, he's not a friend of the war. You know, we're friends of the war. We want you fighting Max at least once or twice a week.

Um, and he seems to view Max as, you know, storage in a weird, uh, camouflage outfit. I think what we need to build down in that downstairs. And I think as a woman who throws tires for a living and you're creative and you're strong, I think you need to build a set downstairs. Yeah. We kind of talked about this, I think too, like you, you kind of,

Well, actually, to be quite honest with you, Jake is a great person to give advice on what to do with your doll because Jake in his jujitsu training has recently gotten a sparring doll. That's disrespectful to the martial arts. This is not a sex toy. Jake, please. Hold on a second. Okay.

Jake, Jake has a little wrestle partner that he got, which is a heavy doll that he keeps it as weird saved by the bell set in his house. And, uh, and so, so Jake, you know, a little bit, I really think you could be very helpful at this. Um,

So you think maybe like sort of like you've done, you've built a little fake gym with your doll where you go play with it. And maybe Amber should do this with Max, right? Yeah. Amber, I got to say, I'm the perfect guy to give advice because I'm currently living through it. But let me give you some advice that's different about you and I. Be careful while lifting this son of a bitch because you could throw your lower back out. Okay. Duly noted.

But Amber, I guess we're doing the same thing. You're fucking Max and I'm beating the hell out of my man. I'm just fucking throwing him in arm bars and triangles and kicking his little ass. But it's the same difference. It's different kind of soldiers. You know, we're both getting off in different ways. Okay, come on. But Amber, here's what I am going to say to you on this, just for my two cents, because I'm invested in your story. I like your arc and I hope you win here.

I'm not going to push you to do any more OnlyFans because it doesn't seem like you want to. But I think you like to use this idea of OnlyFans to move the needle and get things done. You used OnlyFans as the idea to buy the sex toy. And now you're like, I bought the sex toy, but I don't really even know where to fuck it. I don't know how to like it's just now there.

So I think you use in your head this idea to your fiance too, or whatever he is, you need to build a little area. Now that area could also be, it's just a couch with some camo on the walls and a zone where you can go after throwing tires and being tired, your kids asleep. You go down there, you don't have to like move boxes to have a little romance with Max.

You walk down. There's an area set up. Your fiance doesn't touch it. You smoke a joint. You have a glass of wine. And you take that soldier and you do what you got to do and what comes natural. But there's got to be a set. There has to be a location for this. Or what if you got like a max locker, like a max shed? He's heavy. Yeah, but you could get a small one where you could just in your basement have it almost like a standing up coffin where you just drag him out when it's go time.

What do you think, Amber? Do you want to put him in something or do you want him to live somewhere? Because we need a place for you to enjoy your life a little bit. Yeah. This is your toy and we're here to help you.

I would love the open scenario, but my son has friends over and they always gravitate towards him. That's true. Because it's interesting, you know, like a life-size doll. So I feel like I almost have to conceal him in a way that's more practical for me to get to. Yes. And, you know, stuff like that. So I'm kind of at a loss for what to do here, guys. Yeah.

I kind of don't, I can't hear you. You're in a tough spot. Is there any way, is it worth selling them and getting a much smaller toy?

That was my plan B was how do I sell this? You could sell the outfit, I guess. You know, there is a world where the show purchases and we keep on our set. Oh, my God. When we don't have a guest helper. What do you think, Max? That's a real guest helper. Yeah. A little soldier. Yeah.

I hear it's not an easy situation. So essentially the update on this one is that it's more of the same. It's that you still got Max. He's now collecting dust. There's no OnlyFans. And with each day, your kid and his friends are getting older, and the real trouble is going to be, Amber, the day one of those friends goes, that's not an army action figure, my guy. That's a sex toy. You know what I would do? And I...

I would get a mat, like a gym mat, and I would put a gi on Max, and I would say, you do jujitsu. Oh, okay.

I think that's a geezer. It is not a geezer. I am not. You're saying you're using your personal expertise toy. No, Jake. And it's no, I'm saying I'm all right. Whatever it is, you're fucking rash guard. Jesus God. I can't believe you wanted to fight me out of ghee to go to rash guard.

Which one sounds cooler? Hey, don't insult me by calling it a gi. It's a herpes shield. Gareth, I know the guy you love more than anybody is little Mr. Joe Rogan. Mr. Austin, Austin, Austin. Hold on. This is called rogue-jection. Can I talk? Yeah, you sure can.

So I just hope you keep this same energy the day that your daddy Rogan lets you on his show. You don't go know that I'm with Joe and my Austin friends. It is cool to be an alpha male. Do this. And guess what, Kevin? Jake, watch the energy change. Here's here's you on you on Rogan would be a threat. You need to talk to me before you do that podcast, which will happen because I'm going to need to tell you, Jake, don't be like that. You're going to stop it. It's going to be like a fish trying to talk to a shark.

You with your little jiu-jitsu chat. Because now jiu-jitsu is cool with Joe. Watch what happens, Kevin. Watch what happens, Kevin. Back to Amber. Jake, I think arguably you could say it depends on who's doing it. See, you see the spin? When you're in your little Saved by the Bell set rolling around with your little doll, it's a little different than what Rogan's probably doing. It's an interesting spin. Amber, listen. Listen, Amber. We really wish you the best. I still kind of don't know what you want.

But I think that to fuck Max. Well, then I really wouldn't put a fucking rash guard on the guy and get a mat down there. And when your kid starts asking questions, you say it's jujitsu and then it's time to sell. I mean, it's interesting. How do the limbs move? Is Max in guard or is he laying flat? Because I'll tell you one thing about the little grappling dummy I have is he doesn't have a cock.

Neither does the guy wrestling him. Okay. He's fully articulate, so I can, like, position him however. He's fully articulate. Darling, what do you say we have a little champagne after tonight? Okay.

I would say maybe there's a world we put him in a little gi or you throw boxing gloves on him and you say, there might be a real win here because all you've got to do is get Jim Madden. You can get Madden, which you can, you get a little small space and you go like, I'm just working on some self-defense stuff and I want to figure out how to do it against this guy. And then,

underneath his gi guess what an army guy's hot so is a jiu-jitsu animal ready to pin and amber i'm going to tell you something that's going to turn you on a lot faster than you think is when you see a white belt with one stripe on all right amber uh do you think there's any world where you try to do the gi gym mat thing i actually kind of like that because i've i've already got boxing gloves i've already got all the workout equipment and stuff like that right there

Oh, you know, we could do. Kevin, can I pitch Leah on something that we tried to do with the boxer? Amber, if we sent you a like boxing robe for Max.

Would you put it on him and then we have like a we're here to help as if we sponsor fighters. We sponsor your Max. The same one she made on the first one. Max attacks. Little sweetie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. So can we do that? And then you send us the photo with it on. And then what you're saying is, is who Max is, is he's a soldier, but he's a fighter and you're training with him.

Now, what you do in your training is between you and your sparring partner. Absolutely. Yeah. Look, things pop out. Things get wrestled. Pins happen. There's many different styles. Jake will tell you. I also would recommend if we do do that, let's give Max something like a blue belt, something that's not kind of laughable to see someone in.

Or we could also do is put me and Gareth on a mat and see what happens. I'll show you what's laughable. When his little ginger head, his face turns as red as his hair. Jake, you'll pull your back down the stairs to the basement. So, Kevin, I say we do this if she's down. Let's send her a robe. Maybe the same one.

Yeah, we can be. I mean, it's going to be like it doesn't feel right. And then maybe what do you think, Amber? Have you just turned Max into a sparring partner? I would love that as well. Maybe we do that. And then when you start sparring, the way you spar is just not what anybody had in mind. Yeah.

You spar in a very unique way. Rather than doing an arm bar, you do an old sit on the face routine. But he's still being smothered out. Yeah. Surely something Jake's wife will walk in. And when I would say when Gareth does something, his Luke will walk into. My only concern is Amber coming home one day and hearing a bunch of kids in her basement going, hi, yeah. Let it do it. As long as she cleans up after big.

bulbous cock out. He's a good fighter, mom. Wait, but hold on. You can take the, you can take the deck off. Yes. Yeah. I keep that separate. So that's separate. So it's like the ammo. Yes, exactly right. So you just can't make a mistake, have too much wine and leave that thing on. Yeah. His friends go like, we were going to spar, but I don't know. That thing's got a huge old hog staring at me. We wrestled with Max so hard last night, his penis fell off. Yeah, we're not doing that. But I think,

Amber, I think there's a win here, actually. I think you turned Max into... Yeah, I'm seeing it. Me too. I think he's a sparring partner. And I just got to say, if that inspires OnlyFans, I don't know, maybe make a little bit of money. Only if it's for you. If it's not for you. But if you do, I do think there's a world where we're here to help can own 15% equity on this. And what we're going to do is we're going to send you one robe for 15% of OnlyFans. Great. But what you're not getting is you're not getting one shark.

You're getting three sharks. I'd also like to come on board, obviously. You would be one of the sharks you goofball. Kevin has the facility where we can make a lot of these ensembles for Max, which I think right away is not going to cut into any profit margins for you. That's built into the deal. So, Amber, we wish you luck. Kevin's going to hit you up. We're going to get you that robe. And maybe before we air it, when we do this follow-up, there can be on YouTube a photo of Max.

the max and then a photo of Jake's doll too, just to sort of show the difference between the dolls you guys play with. I think that's fair. That's great. All right, Amber. Appreciate it. Thanks for the new inspiring ideas, guys. Yeah. Thanks for calling. Really fun call. Take care. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

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