9: Don’t Start a War with a Pirate with Jessica Lowe
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All right, here we are. We're here to help the episode. I genuinely...

I'm not sure. This is episode nine. I thought nine. Yeah, and we got a special guest. We do. Who's our guest, Jake? A co-star from Minx and a good friend and one of the funniest people in the game, in my opinion. She's just a killer. Her name is Jess Lowe.

If you don't know her yet, you will soon. She is so funny and so fun and gives such good advice on this. And like we like to say, if you don't know, now you low.

So everybody enjoy the episode. We have another. What? Yeah, we have a second call. That's very crazy. But but before we even I felt like you were kind of thrown into the episode before we do, Jake, I believe. And I don't know how many people like football, so we don't have to belabor this. But you did talk a big game and now your team lost a big game.

And, oh, they just looked, oh, Kevin, can we stop? I have to be sick. We bet 30 seconds of sincere...

Compliments for the other team. Your face is not great right now. You look mad and upset. But why don't we just get into that real quick because I know people want to hear the episode. And again, we want to thank everyone. Like, subscribe, share. All that stuff really helps. So continue to do that. We have a five-star rating, so that's great. So keep that up.

But anyway, I don't want to keep self-flating. You have something you want to say about the Green Bay Packers, the only team that is owned by the fans, two back-to-back first ballot Hall of Famers, maybe a third. I don't know. I don't want to put the cart before the horse. But you said you wanted to say something, Jake, so why don't you just jump into that real quick, bud?

I think Green Bay Packers are a really well-run organization. Yes. I think they have a great strategy of bringing quarterbacks in and developing them. I felt as if the Bears were going to whip some ass, and they didn't. They got beat by a better team on Sunday badly. They seem to have a lot of talent. Jordan Love...

which is a living nightmare, might be good. What about people who get Packer tattoos? They're pretty kind of smart. They're kind of ahead of the curve a little, don't you think? I think they like winners, and I think there's something cool about celebrating a winner and identifying with a winning franchise. Your nose is bleeding. Why is that happening? Everybody enjoy the show. That had to be 30 seconds. That's great.

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Hello there. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You are on with Jake, Gareth, and our guest for this call, Jessica Lowe. Can we get your name, your age? Yeah, my name is Leah. I am 37. Why don't you just jump in? Why don't you tell us what's going on, and we'll start to pick it apart and try to figure out how to not solve this, probably.

Cool. That's great. Well, it probably can't be worse than what I've been doing to try to solve it myself. So I am an artist. Yeah, it's a good place to be. I have zero expectations. So I am an artist and I rent a very small studio in a very, very old 200 plus year old building. And I'm on the second floor and the

call him gentleman who rents the studio below mine um it's a person that i sort of know in passing we're not friends or anything he is a leather worker and um the impression did you say hold on did you say leather work wait leah did you say leather worker that's right jake i did what the hell is a leather worker yeah he makes bells oh he just he makes leather okay

So he just makes leather products. I would just say, and I'm just going to jump in with advice for him that he's not going to hear. I would just go with Beltman. Yeah, I agree. But hold on. But Jess, did you know what a leather worker was? Is leather worker something I'm out of line for? I just assumed. You did, okay. I mean. Made leather.

I just picture bondage. Yeah. Just a lot of straps. Yes. Zippers over the mouth. Yeah. I go dark fast. Gimp costumes. If he is that kind of leather worker, he doesn't advertise it, but it's possible. Okay. So he's just a straight up, like he makes leather shoes. He makes purses. No, he just makes belts. To my knowledge. Just belts. Okay. He makes belts. Okay. Please continue. Beltman. Yeah. Okay.

Basically, I don't get the impression that he really does a lot of leather work because he spends a great deal of time playing the piano. It's always the same piece of music, the same like portion of Moonlight Sonata, which was my favorite piece of classical music. No longer. And he plays it kind of poorly. He always messes up in the exact same spot. And honestly, it's,

every day, at least twice a day. And because this building is very old, it has very little soundproofing. So it's as if he was in the room with me when this happened. No, canceling headphones haven't worked for me. Just give you my jumping off point. What I have been doing is I work with resin and I use a pressure pot. So I have to fill it with compressor, compressed air. And I don't know if you've ever used a compressor with like a nail gun or anything. They're extremely loud, like ground shaking loud. Yes.

So whenever he starts playing, I turn on the compressor and run it for like 30 seconds. Yeah. Interesting. It's not working. He's not stopping, but that's all I have right now. So I'd love to hear your take. Okay. So let me just break this down. So we're all on the same page. Uh,

You are an artist in a small studio in an old building. There's a guy on the first floor who occasionally makes leather belts and he's dog shit at piano, but he plays all the time and it's driving you nuts and you don't know how to stop him from playing piano, correct? You got it. Easy first thing before we jump in. Can you get out of your lease or are you kind of stuck there?

I could, but I love it other than this piano issue. It's the perfect space. I've been there for about a year now. Honestly, I don't want to go to the trouble of moving because I have a lot of shit. I get that. Have you talked to him? What's the leather maker's name? His name is Jesse. Pretty cool fucking name. Jesse, a leather belt maker?

Can we swear on this podcast? Yes. Jesse fucks. Okay. Can I give you a little mental picture of Jesse though? Please. Please.

Okay, so this is the kind of man who wears like a fedora at a jaunty angle and what I could only describe as like a pirate shirt, like a white puffy shirt. This is... Open to the belly button shirt on a regular basis. Stop it. Puffy pants.

Puffy pants! Oh, Jesse Fox! Wait, you're leaning in deeper to Jesse Fox after hearing that? Jesse Fox! Wait, Jess, you're leaning deeper in to a man in a fedora, pirate shirt, and puffy pants, and you're into the louder Jesse Fox. Yes, Jesse Fox!

He barely has any time for belt making. I agree. Or practicing the piano. I'm going to go ahead and label Jesse what I would call the fuckeneer. He's got a real pirate ensemble. He's a bang machine. I'm starting. I honestly, I hate to say it, I'm already on Jesse's side. We will help you, but he's made a fan. Well, that's unfortunate for me, but valid. It's tough. It's tough for me to tell you. It's tough.

So I think we have an image. So we have an image of Jesse. We have an image of the problem. Have you talked to Jesse at this point? Yeah. So this is the part that's going to be less probably comedy fodder, but I did message him on Instagram, which was the only way I knew to get in touch with him. And I just said, you know, Hey, no shade. Like I know this is an old building, but your piano playing is really loud in my face. Is there anything we could do to like mitigate this?

And he came back guns blazing like, how dare you? I can do whatever I want in my studio. And like, just like zero regard for anyone else. It's not just me upstairs. Like there's other artists that it bothers too. So yeah, he's not super amenable to like chatting.

Jesse, when, because I thought the advice was going to be pretty easy and that was going to be leaning into the idea of bringing them a bottle of rum, you know, or anything pirates drink and saying, yeah, and saying like, hey, my man, like, here's a little, here's a little rum, here's a parrot. Can you ease up on the piano for these hours? But it sounds like that's going to go sideways. So we have to think outside of the box here a little bit.

Because I think what you don't want is to start a war with a pirate. Yeah. Yeah. Because I promise you, it doesn't go well for the people on those ships. They're known for one thing and then coming on your boat and taking all your fucking shit and making you walk the plank. I'm the captain now sort of vibe. You got to view Jesse as the captain.

And then we got to figure out how to get him to stop making this noise. Now, this is wildly off topic, and I promise you we will not air this. Can I will bleep this part? Can I get his Instagram handle? I just would love to have a little look-see-poo at what we're dealing with here. Give us all a second. Okay, so wow, wowie, wowie, wowie, wowie.

really you're ahead of me it's an energy oh i have to say i'm really i feel very validated by your response to that yeah no this guy is like this would be like a guy you'd see on like a reality show reunion who's gonna be you know he'll have a pop on one of the seasons and then that'll be it um

I'll be honest. He seems annoying. He seems annoying, but it does also seems like the kind of guy that is tough to reason with. So I'm getting what you're laying out. He doesn't just make belts. He makes leather harnesses again. I'm going back to what I first said about this man.

Harnesses, sure. A normal follow-up. You know what else he makes? Problems. Okay. You got him, Jake? Yeah. He's a super cool hip guy. He's not going to... Okay, I think we got to start entering the world of we're on Team Leah here and let's figure some stuff out. I think the compression thing makes a lot of sense. I do too, but it seems like it's not working. And they are loud. They're really loud.

So, yeah. And you said that there are other people who are also sort of in this problem ship with you while we're dealing with the fucking year, right?

Yeah, so my studio is the one that's directly over his, so I get like the loudest issue. But there's another one sort of behind mine where she can still hear it. And then there's one beside mine where she can still hear it. They just don't get like the brunt of it. Also, I'm the one who's there most often. I'm there five days a week, most of the day and everyone else is sort of part time. So yeah.

It's so annoying that it's one song and he's not getting better. It's like he's Groundhog Day-ing down there. Jess, is anything jumping in your head when you're hearing this? Where are you at? I mean, she's above. It's an old building. Tap shoes. When he starts moon nights and nodding, just practice your tappies.

And then, I mean, because normally I think that, you know, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I'm generally like a pussy and I would just deal with it. But it sounds like it's ongoing. You did your best requesting like certain hours of the day. He can not practice his Moonlight Sonata. But if he is going to double down and he wears his sweaters like this, then I saw that one.

You got to get some tap shoes. And by this, she means it seems like he's wearing like a cloak or something. Yeah, it's like a half shawl or something. It's a half shawl. It's a very strange. Look, we're dealing with what Jake and I would call a wild card. And so you've got two options, which are either.

handle it and just deal with it, which you've been trying to do. But that's not working. It's not working. So now it is, I think, time to fight fire with fire. I think it's time to step it up. I'm not saying you go back with another song, but it might be time to show him what you're actually dealing with.

which might mean blasting some terrible music. Well, I was going to say rather than terrible. Moonlight Sonata. Yeah, my God. What a wild move. Holy shit. Is that funny though? Whenever he plays it. No,

No, I think that is actually 100% the move. You start it two beats after because that fucks with him playing it. That is great. Let me tell you, this is a tough needle to thread. I think that might actually be it. Just low, everybody. I think that might be it. This is a tough call, and mostly Gareth and I don't have good advice, but we're confident, so we both talk a lot and we try. And the reason we've been so quiet is

I don't know what to say here. Jess, you just fucking nailed it. You get a speaker system. You get the speakers facing down. Once he starts, you start.

When he comes up and goes, hey, could you stop playing that song? You give him the same answer he gave you. I can play my song whenever he wants. And you go. So every time he does it, you cannot learn a song if you're here. So I did the seventh inning stretch at Wrigley a couple years ago. And I was not nervous about it because I know that song inside and out. I'm a Cub fan.

What I didn't realize is when you're singing it, you hear it a half second later.

So you go like, take me out. Then you hear, take me out. It threw me off in a way that was staggering. I was a D you. Cause you go like, buy me something here, buy me. And I'm like, I'm in another fucking planet. And I hate it. If you do that to this leather man, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen to his fingers. Leah, they're going to stop tickling ivory.

He's going to not know what to do. He's going to double down, pound his fist like a little bit of a baby. And then whenever he starts, you start and he's going to see how annoying that is. And what might happen is now you're in a battle with a pirate, but you already are.

I think that's really, I think that's, I really agree. You're already in a pirate fight. What are you going to do? This is not wasting the Kraken. Hold on, before we go, Jess, what else you got? Because this was your home run and I feel like you're thinking something. I mean, there's one other thing is you could record him playing and then turn it up.

and then play it when he stops. Just so he can just, it's to help him listen to what he's working with. Jess Lowe is hitting grand slams right now. I feel like this is probably difficult for Jake and I because someone's coming in on one call and really just is doing better than we are on our own show, which is sort of strange. But we're happy for you. Here's what I would pitch on the Jess Lowe's pitch.

I would record him playing. And what would be worse if you're trying to practice is you're hearing yourself play because then you're entering the crazy world. You hear your own screw ups as you're screwing up. Cause if you play the real one, he might go like be a little passive aggressive bitch and be like, thank you. Thank you. You're helping me. If he's hearing his own failure as he's creating his own failure,

Holy cow. We've entered a wild world of gamemanship. And if I'm him. Yeah, that's the mindset for sure. I walk away from that piano and I realize I've been one up and then I have a lot of respect for my upstairs neighbor. Or it's just whatever. You're still in the same situation. You're kind of at the bottom. So it's like you're you've already kind of got to take the L. This is just kind of your last ditch attempt. I think that's right.

I have to go into the well one more time because I'm greedy. Jess, are you thinking anything else? Oh, God. Like...

Real stinky cheese. Just put a... Okay, that's it. The well's empty. The well's empty. It's gone. The well's empty. Let's sniff the cheese. No, no, no. Now she's black, folks. Much like the Rio Grande River in five years, this is dry. It's tapped out. Okay, all right. So in closing, Leah, what we like to do at the end of these is we just pitch you advice, but it's your life, your responsibility. What do you think you're going to actually do?

I mean, I think I will find a recording of Moonlight Sonata to play at him until I have an opportunity to record him. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to fight that fire with fire. That's great advice. Can we ask you to please, please record the whole back and forth and call us with an update?

Yes. I will do my best. Either way, even if you just call us with an update and let us know how this works out. Beautiful. Yes, I can do that. So Leah, all the best to you. I got to say, I think we did great work with this call. Yeah. I'm not going to say who really nailed it, but we're a team. I think we're a team together. Yeah, we don't want. Yeah, exactly. Thank you, Leah. Let us know what happens. I will do. Thank you so much. Bye. Good luck. Thank you. Good luck with your resin.

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Hello. Hello. Hi there. Hello. Hello. What's happening? Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from? You're on with Jake and Gareth.

Awesome. I'm Alex. I'm 20 and I'm from New Jersey, unfortunately. Yes. What a shame. Alex, what can we do to help you today? I've been having an issue with my five-year-old brother. The issue is he also is obsessed with ghosts, death, and murder. Today, he threw a huge tantrum because I wouldn't put on Human Centipede 3.

What? That is a big, now we, the bottom just dropped out on this one. First of all, they made three? That's crazy. Wait, he's actually seen at five years old, human centipede three? The first one today. Wait, you showed this little boy human centipede, Alex? This call just changed. This is wild. He should be calling us about you.

He's also seen like paranormal activity, Halloween. He used to sleep with- Wait, who is showing this little boy all these terrifying movies? Me, possibly. It might be my old butt. Alex. Alex. First of all, Alex. He's five years old. He cannot- That's why he's obsessed with ghosts, death, and murder. He's terrified. You have buried the lead.

He is a child. He needs to be watching Moana. Okay, all right, okay. But let's, listen. The hook is baited, so let's just embrace it. Okay. What can we help you with, Alex? He's so annoying after watching Human Centipede in three. So he, okay, so he's a-

Okay. Is your problem that you keep showing him movies that are highly inappropriate? Because I think I have a pitch. So the problem is essentially you've created a five-year-old monster and now you're at the point where he's craving human centipede three and he's five. Right.

Yeah. All right. So Alex, keep going. Keep finishing where you're at. We've got some pretty good info on this one so far. I also, we also have a six year old brother and he's not like this. He just loves dinosaurs and that crap. Have you shown the six year old brother other movies? I don't want him to be left out. Okay. So what's the, what's the five year old's name by the way? Adama. Adama? Like Obama with an A? Yeah.

So my parents named him after a Battlestar Galactica character. Okay. There's a lot going on. So you got Odama, and what's the six-year-old's name? Apollo. So you got Odama, Apollo, and Alex? Short for Alexandria.

Yeah, that's not that crazy. So how did we get Alexandra and then mom and dad started going 14 years later, we're going to go from Alexandra to Apollo? They had some time to noodle names. So you were, you just popped out and they went like, I don't know, Alexandra. Whatever, yeah. Different dad, different dad. Oh, okay. Okay, that makes sense. So dad is the name. Yeah. Okay. That helps. Okay, so Adamo,

is into horror movies ghost death murder all that all right keep going i'll try not to interrupt sorry so he has toy wrestlers like i'm sure every little boy did um or does and he's like folly because that's what he called me he's like can you draw the star that they do for some type of like rituals or something he said he said like some like baby version of that and like

okay. He wanted me to draw a pentagram on a piece of paper. Okay. I did that. And then he puts a wrestler in the middle of that. Gets these fake candles and puts them around it. Oh my god. What is going on? I hate to say it, but it gets worse. Him and the Six Fields brother Apollo start chanting Lucifer and Satan.

Come on. No. So I'm going to interrupt. This one's a clean, easy one. This is easy. You've influenced these children. They have no idea what they're doing. This is not, we're not taking this call into a pretend world that maybe they're devil worshipers controlled by the devil. We're not going down nonsense alley.

This is a little boy who's been watching human centipede at four. He is warped. And this is your fault. And it's your job, Alex, but the older sister to apologize for showing him such bad movies and then introduce him to things like Daniel tiger and Mr. Rogers and real easy watching.

and get him back on track. - This is a deprogramming. - This is a deprogramming. - This is tough because I feel like someone should be calling about you and I'm not trying to be rude. - Yes, I agree. - But you-- - This is an Alex call. - Yeah, this is like heroin being like, "This guy's all addicted. "What can I, like, you've created this

I mean, we are where we are. We're with a pentagramming five and six year old who are doing Lucifer chants. And here we are.

You do need to reel it back in the other direction. There will be no human centipede three. There will no longer be any humans. I'm a grown ass man and still processing humans. Same with me. Pass. So but so, Alex, is there a final because now we know where this is going to go. This little boy is his brain is a little warped.

And he's spooking you out. What is the final question you have so that we can hear it, then push it to the side and continue with what we're doing? I just want to hear the official question. Yeah. I, you know. Have confidence, Alex. We're not mad at you, but you called for a reason. Pretend we're on just your team here. What was this call about?

This call was about if there was any suggestion to help me reel back his horror addiction. Right. The wrong. You are such a spin artist. You know what I feel like? I feel like your dad who said, hey, you're in a little bit of trouble here. And you go, can I be honest with you?

I came in here asking for money to go to that concert. But what I really want to say to you is I need to get my grades up and I need to start helping around the house. And that's it. I'm here to help. Nobody's more mad at me than me. And I'll tell you why I know that, Alex. That's one of my oldest tricks in the book. I used to say to my mom when every report card was just D's and F's.

And I would lead out with, first of all, I am so disappointed in these grades. Before you say anything, I can do so much better. It's disgusting. What were you going to say? And I can just see the disdain in her eyes. Before you, mom, tell me that my teacher said that I'm failing out of sixth grade, let me just say something. I don't think I've applied myself.

I'm sorry, mom, what were you going to say, honey? Finish what you were going to say. Let's just say Jake was as full of shit as the third train on the human centipede. But so Alex, here's this advice is going to be very easy for mine.

I think what you need to do is his older sister is start setting a good example. When he asked to watch scary stuff, say I was just on a podcast.

with uh jake and gareth and they said that you're not allowed to watch this stuff anymore you have to be 13 and we're gonna actually go with what the rating says if it's 15 but i would love to watch something else with you and then you need to put the hours in and whatever he likes you need to pretend to like so because i'm sure he thinks you're cool i'm sure he wants your attention

You just have to introduce Pixar, Disney. Yes. Watch up. Let's get some of that stuff in there. I agree. We need to at least have like the angel on the shoulder too. So Alex, you called into the show. You asked for advice. Very rarely did Gareth and I get on the same page so quickly. But I think the Pixar-

let's get this kid involved in some just kind of normal stuff so he can make friends when he starts school soon and get him out of being on the ground praying to the devil. We don't want this to be recounted to a judge one day. That's what we're trying to avoid. And so in closing, what do you think you're going to do, if anything?

I think I'm going to try to lean more to like the Disney plus and that type of stuff. You know, he, he used to really like that stuff and sure. It is on me. Yeah. And you know what you could, you know what you could do if he says like, I don't want to watch this. I want to watch human centipede rather than make it like a forbidden fruit. You could just say, I don't find that show interesting anymore.

So I just don't want to watch it. It's also just, yeah. Yucky is an appropriate word for a five-year-old, but I would live in that world. And yeah, you gotta be that. You gotta be a little bit of force of good here, Alex. And yeah, this one's on you, buddy. This one's on you, Alex. Yeah. Thank you for the call. Good luck. Thank you so much.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke.

And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.