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We're here to help. I wonder if we could do an entire intro trying to finish each other's.
sandwiches. Enjoy the show without further ado. Wait, no, no, no! Kevin, you got something fun. We've been doing an ad that we really enjoy and someone reached out with some interesting information. So I said, are you free to call in and tell the guys? So I'm going to have a caller join right now, I believe from the UK. Let's see how this goes. Caller, can you hear us? I can hear you. Hi. Hi, this is a super crazy intro.
So we don't know what this is about. I do have an idea because I was sending something to Kevin about this, but the floor is yours. Can you tell us what this call during the intro is? Yeah. So thank you for having me on. My name is Elle. I'm calling from the UK. Hi. Big fan of the podcast. And I've listened to everything you've made so far. Thank you.
Of course, no problem. Exactly. What international school do you go to in La Cie? Let's just let her get through this so we can finish the intro. I agree. I noticed something about your Kleenex ad that took me by surprise. Yes.
You referred to the tissues as hyperallergenic as opposed to hypoallergenic. So I felt it duty-bound as a doctor to write in. Oh, you're a doctor. Yes, I am. This is as humiliating as it gets. To say that perhaps this should be hypo.
Well, we were we were supposed to say hypoallergenic and we said hyperallergenic. And you as a doctor just that didn't sit right. So we needed to correct that. We need to apologize to the great people at Kleenex. Let me let me let me ask you this. What is that is hyperallergenic even a thing? Well,
Yes. Hay fever is hyperallergenic, so you have lots of allergens floating around. Excuse me, Al. Would Kleenex not be valuable during a hyperallergenic season?
Yes, because it is hypoallergenic. But Kleenex as the solve is hypoallergenic. We're saying that the Kleenex gives you the worst allergies. Hold on, Jake. I'm going to get us out of this. Have you ever seen a tissue sneeze, Elle? Answer the question, doctor. No, no, I haven't. Oh, well. Oh, I don't know. Go ahead, Jake. Finish this off. I'm lost. What? I bobbled that. I don't know. Get me out of this. I'm dying. I am drowning. I am slugging seawater. We made a...
a big air we sold the kleenex as the opposite of what the kleenex is we said that the kleenex was going to give you really bad allergies and you're right it's not the kleenex will give you hyper allergy and that's humiliating and that's not what we were trying to do so we appreciate you calling in and giving us a little bit of help
Yeah. You are here to help. You are here to help and we appreciate you. And thank you for calling in and without further ado. Thank you guys. Hello. Hi, how are you? Good. Good. Can we get your name please? Sure. This is Carrie from Chicago. Hey, 45. Nice. Carrie from Chicago, 45. What do you think about Caleb Williams?
I love Caleb Williams. You have any idea what Jake's talking about, Carrie? No, I have no idea. All right. I was going to call you out, Gary. I know. And I could tell. But I could tell Carrie was like. That's amazing, Carrie. Thank you for just yes and. The heavy placation there from Carrie. Jake, I will say I love whatever you just said. He is great.
I'm happy for you. All right, Carrie. 45, Chicago. You're very young at 45. You're in the prime of your life. This is when you should start jujitsu. Anyway, Carrie, what's going on? Jake's just kind of trying to put his sadness through a prism that isn't his. What's going on? I have been house-sitting for my parents these past couple months. They are away traveling the world. For a couple months. And you need for a couple months. They're on a worldwide cruise. Good for mom and dad. Wow. I know. I know.
So a little background, though, you need to know. First of all, my parents are very particular about things and their possessions specifically. My dad is also a bit obsessive about things such as tracking the weather and monitoring his car's tire pressure. Wow. These are...
This is something you need to know about my dad. I got you. And I'll tell you what about dads is we get weirder as we age. Tracking the weather seems when you say tracking the weather, you mean he's on a weather app just like five days. Yeah.
Okay. But also the tire pressure I get, you just start getting weird about numbers. I don't know. They got sensors. The cars tell you. Yeah. Well, that's because you're like 26. Are you trying to hurt me? Boyish. Wow. Ouch, Jake. This is a real father-son dynamic. This show should be called Dad and Boy. Mo and the Boy. Mo and the Boy. Mo and Mo Jr. Mo and Jr. All right. So something else you need to know is that my parents...
have never felt that I made good choices. I'm a wild middle child. So knowing that, it was surprising then that they entrusted me with the care of their home while they've been gone these past couple months. The other two are busy. Yeah, married kids, right? Are you single? I...
I'm single. I'm divorced. That's also one of the reasons why they think I make poor choices. Yeah, it was his fault, by the way. But we'll let them have their opinion. But it was his fault. One instruction they gave me, though, my dad gave me before they left on their trip.
is that I needed to have my younger sister take the car around the block every once in a while, just so it's not sitting idle in the garage. You got to move the, you got to move the oils around. Yeah. So I'm the one staying at the house at their condo. And my younger sister needs to come from miles away to take the car out. Everyone's miles. Well, they don't trust you driving the car. Seriously around the block. That's, that's why the sister around the block, around the block. How many DUIs do you have? Yeah. Yeah.
If the answer is none, your parents are out of control. None. None. I actually, I think of my siblings, I think I'm the best driver. I believe it. And then question, is it like a weird Ferrari like from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
So good question. It's a Mini Cooper. So it is a little bit, I mean, to get it started, I mean, it is a little bit set up differently. Yeah, but a Mini Cooper is not like a Ferrari. The Ferrari of Chicago. Tiny Ferrari. I mean, a Mini Cooper. If you can rent it at Avis, it's nothing special. Yes. Yeah. Does he have a tarp for the Mini Cooper? He does not, but it is in the garage. Okay. So your sister, let's give her a name.
Yes. Her name is Reese. Reese. Okay. Okay. So Reese is supposed to come to the house, drive the mini Cooper. Your dad wants it once a week to move the oils. Yes. But you know, for her to do it, not for me to do it. It's just that little background you didn't know. Yeah, I get it. So there was a time, there was a time that came where I needed to borrow their car.
My son needed to use my car. I need to borrow their car. And so I go to my mom, not my dad, to ask permission to use the car. She's okay with it.
With the understanding I'm going to use it just for a short while. During that short period of time, I hit a pothole, which is common in Chicago. Pop the tires. Wow. Did you say tires or tire? Tire. Tire. One tire. The front driver's side. And dad is so goddamn concerned about that pressure that this ain't great. Yeah. I know. I know. This is going to be a big deal. I'm worried about you here. I'm feeling half like your dad right now and half like you. Yeah.
Just so you know, I'm conflicted. I asked for one thing. One thing, Kerry. And then to the wife. I didn't want her driving the fucking car. Why'd you say yeah? I didn't want her driving the Mini Cooper. Come on. This is why. She's going to hit a pothole. I love her. I don't trust her like I trust anyone. Do I love her? Of course I love her. I love her. And I like her. All right. So keep going.
All right, so I take it to the tire shop, and the guy there says that he recommends I replace both front tires and get an alignment. Yep, yep. But honestly, I think this is just part of what, I mean, this is what tire shop guys say. Carrie, this feels like you're making a Carrie decision. Yeah. What do you want to put a bike tire on it and hope he doesn't notice? I feel like I could just change it myself with a huge donut. I know a con man when I see one. I'll just put a brick under it. He won't know. So the professional says...
Two tires realignment. And Carrie, the middle child, goes, I shouldn't have been driving the car. I don't know. My parents don't like my decisions. This is a good time to make a decision. I think I'll get him a different car. All right, Carrie. So what do you do? All right. So these are fancy tires. He's got top of the line. They're run flat tires. Okay. Which is why I didn't think I even popped the tire to begin with because it still had air in it.
Oh, interesting. Anyway, so it was going to cost me a total of $900 to have two tires replaced and the alignment done. Carrie, this is the right rate. It is, but the rate is crazy. It's a lot of money. First of all, it's the right rate if you're going top of the line. But you've got to pay for labor. Yeah, $900, it's a lot of money. Yes, it's a lot of money. So I asked my ex-husband, who knows more about car maintenance than I do, so I asked him.
hey, what do you think? Do I really need to replace both these tires? So I didn't just go with my, you know, my feeling, not knowing much. I asked someone who knows more. Sure. And he said, you know what? I think you could do fine with just replacing that one tire. The other tires, the treads are right. Then just rotate it to the back. Don't do the alignment. Let's give the X a name. Should we call him what? Fred. And so question about Fred really fast and who cares? We don't have to go deep into this, but what's his expertise in cars?
Um, he doesn't, he has more expertise in cars than my dad. I'll tell you that. So my dad actually doesn't know a lot about cars. Okay. So you're in a situation where you're like, Fred likes cars, knows cars. My dad doesn't. He just cares about air pressure because he's a weirdo. He thinks a Mini Cooper is a Ferrari and my, my ex is saying it's fine. I'm not spending 900 bucks. I'm going to spend 250, get a new tire and everything's fine.
Right. Exactly. Exactly. So I'm with you. So yes, this is what I do. I replace one tire and then I think everything's fine until I tell my siblings. Hmm.
I was hoping you were going to say, as you were driving home, all the tires fell off and the windows cracked. Chitty, chitty, bang, bang. The smoke came out. Herbie the love bug. It turned into a full-on 1930s jalopy. So I hit a man. It was bad. It started self-driving. As I was leaving the tire shop, I accidentally put it in D instead of R, and I just drove through tires. I went backwards. It was bad. I hit a million dollars with the tires. So you tell siblings. Yes. Bad move, by the way. My younger sister, so younger sister Reese. Yeah.
The driver. She says, I have to tell dad because he's going to figure it out anyway. I mean, he's obsessed about his tires. This is why your dad likes Reese's decisions because she's a snitch. Yeah. I mean, she's basically carrying the talking points of dad. Yeah. She is dad junior. She's a snitch. And we know where snitches end up. Exactly. And do it soon. Otherwise, you'll be driving in rain. Of course she's buddy, buddy. She forgot she's your generation.
I know. She's too buddy-buddy with Dad. Okay. She understands him too well. Anyway, my older sister said she's going to tell my dad just because that's an older sister thing to do. First of all, you've got to teach your family about snitches, and you've got to set the law of how we operate. Yeah. I'm going to tell Dad. You should tell Dad. Hey, guys, Daddy's not here giving away apples to the best students. Yeah.
But daddy said I'm the best. And daddy said I'm the best. Daddy said I'm going to frigging barf. Cool it. Grow up. We're pulling one over on an 80-year-old man who's on a world tour. Yeah.
It's going to be fine. I don't care. My brother-in-law weighed into, he says, take it to the grave. And he agrees with me that it would be an awful decision to tell my dad. Because he's not looking for daddy's approval. God, this is. Yes. All right. So then where are we at? Where we're at is I have yet to tell my parents. They have yet to return from their adventures. But when they get home. What do you do? In two weeks.
What do I do? First of all, Carrie, bravo to a setup that feels like a goddamn novel in a good way. Yeah, no, entertaining, interesting, weird stakes, but they're there. But I'm in it. I feel like I'm invested in this one. I'm not lost. I agree. You painted a hell of a picture. And my advice is crystal clear. Garth, where are you at?
I'm trying to mull away. I know yours is take it to the grave. Of course. Yeah, I'm trying to mull. Well, what I really want to know is, is he going to know? If I knew that, it would really help. You can't tell. Right. I see. That's what I wonder, too. Is he really going to know? And is there a way that I can make it so he wouldn't know? No. So did you get the same exact tires?
I did. I at least did that. I got exactly the same tire. And the person realigned them, so they're the exact brand of tire, and it's realigned?
Well, it's not. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. You just got one tire. Yeah. And I thought you did the 900. No, I thought you did the 900. No, I keep thinking about like, I thought you did the dress worth the $600. All right, Carrie. Bad news. You got to tell him. Wow. You. Wow. Okay. Here's why. Uh huh. When you go to a place like a tire shop and they tell you what you should do and you come back and go, I'll do a third of it.
Then they make sure you're coming back in six weeks to go like something's clanging and they go, want me to finish what I offered, which was the best thing about a realignment. Because if you don't realign tires and you start to drive, your dad might go like, something feels weird about a Mini Cooper. When I was in Turkey, I drove a Mini Cooper off the stand. You go like, dad, dad, I lied to you. Then the old guy's heartbroken.
I think you get them day one off the boat. How? Okay. That's kind of where I was, but I'm not. So I have a way to pitch in that direction. How clear do you, I mean, from what you can tell and remember, how different did those two tires look to the naked eye? You know, I would say, I mean, I'm no expert, but I would say they don't look all that different. I've looked at them. Not a great answer. These have been rotated. They,
Your answer is not great. Well, your answer wasn't like identical, but dad's meticulous. Your answer was like, to me, I can basically, we got to keep in mind. Dad's a weirdo and he checks air pressure. Yep. If you're a weirdo, if you're a weird old guy, you obsess on the weirdest stuff. That's why I think it, the other way to throw them is to just change.
change the air pressure on all of those tires. You are now getting crazy, Kerry. Kerry, you're making bad decisions. You're killing witnesses to cover up the murder. First of all, here's the problem with you, Kerry. You're exactly like Gareth and I. Yes, yes. That's exactly what we would do. And really, at the end of the day,
I know that it's like $600. It's not nothing. But for what you're now saying, the $600, I'm going to move some air around. I'm going to air shift. And then what's going to happen is you're going to let it out weird. The air is going to hit you in the face. Yeah. And she's just going to come back and be like, what happened? You're going to go, I don't know. Nothing. Here's my advice to you. You divorced Fred for a reason.
Wow. Let's stop taking his advice. Six hundred bucks, Carrie. Get the other tire. Fix the alignment. Take it to the grave. When do they come back, Carrie? Two weeks. Two weeks. OK. Two weeks. All right. Can you can you sniff around six hundred bucks? I can do it. You can do it. OK. All right. So that's an option. Here's another pitch. When dad and mom come back, you do this.
You do the, you do something nice and generous that isn't $600. You stoke them up with emotion. You make them happy. And then you hit him with, and by the way, dad, um, one of the tires popped when I had a pothole. So I got the new one. The guy at the tire shop was, yes.
Carrie, as the dad, you want to know what I'm going to do when I walk in and my wife goes, I know you didn't want Carrie to house it, but she did a wonderful job. And I go, yeah, yeah, she did. She did really good. I'm looking around, seeing what's broke, nothing. And then she goes like...
So I got you this $80 pinata of a ship. Break it. And I go like, that's a weird usage of money. And then she goes, but I crashed your car a little bit and I got a new tire and I'm going to go. All right. So now I need to go to the mechanic, get it checked out. Now, whatever they say, I have to do because I don't know what she did. How about now? He's going backwards financially. How about this? Go ahead. How about they come back? You've got some champagne.
You've got a charcuterie out. Spending money in weird ways. Hold on. I don't disagree. Let's just follow the thread for a minute. Right? We get them a little liquored up. They're probably a little jet lagged or what do we call it? Ship lagged? I don't know. But they come back, right? We do that. And then we tell dad. I mean, we tell dad. It's your same pitch. You just added B to one. No, but then you go like this. You go...
The guy at this tire shop recommended I just replace one tire. But honestly, I think I'm going to take it back. Dad does not love her decisions. I know she is giving him weird beef. All right. I want another one. Yeah. Blame it on Reese.
I that was my other side. By the way, Carrie, that is just so you know, it took me a few to get there. That's crazy that you even had. So. So I carry my first thought to walk us through what you're doing. Walk us through what you're thinking of Blimey race. How would that go? Well, Reese was already entrusted with the care of the vehicle. So I feel like.
That would make perfect sense. They already feel at ease about her driving. And of course she, she would do fine. You know, of course it wouldn't be her fault if she hit a pothole. Right. It would just be the way things work. But if it's me, it's my fault that I hit it. How about this? We give, I feel like we give Reese $300 to take the blame.
Save 300. I love it. You know what I'll say, Kerry? I'm glad you and Gareth didn't get married. It's not too late. Because what would happen with your guy's decision making is dangerous. What do you want? So here's where we're at, Kerry. Finish the deal. Spend the 600 bucks. That's 100% where I'm going. Two, celebrate when they get home. Maybe give them a beef board with champagne and then say,
How do you like the $300 I spent on weird beefs and champagnes? Also, I took your car and I crashed it, but I think it's good. And also, I could take it back if you want, and your dad's going to go put me back on the ship in the middle of the goddamn sea. You're going beyond the pitch. You're adding a lot of your own personal sauce to this dish. Agreed. Four. You're right. It's unfair to the process. Let it, yeah. Four.
blame it on kid sister somehow get her on board you and gareth seem to like this one i think i think it's trouble i think it's trouble too so now carrie 45 big caleb williams fan excited about rome adunza i hope i nailed it his last name okay excited about what ryan pace is doing for the city of chicago she doesn't really what are you gonna do
No, Ryan Poles. I think I said Ryan Pace. Yeah. Ryan Poles. Yeah. What's my final decision? Yeah. What's your final decision? Is that what you're asking? I think... She's vamping. I think I'm going to blame it on Reese. I know. Carrie... Do it really fast. You're the dad. I love you. Are you going to play the dad? You want me to play the dad? No, I want it. I'm the dad. You're the mom. All right, fine. By the way, mom had a hell of a trip. I know she did. So, Carrie...
I want you, you just got mom and dad home. I want to see how you're actually going to do it. Oh, gosh. I can't sleep on planes. I know. I have such trouble sleeping on planes. You were an animal on that cruise, by the way. You were an animal on that cruise. I felt like I was 40 years younger. You had your way with...
With me. I can't wait to get in that Mini Cooper and zip it around Waukegan. Oh, well, you've moved topics. I'm going to Des Plaines. I'm going to the Old Orchard Ball. Oh, gosh. I'm going to whip around to the Northwest Side. Ding dong. Oh, gosh. There's someone at the door who probably picked us up. Hey, sweetheart. How you doing? I don't care.
Why do you keep ringing the doorbell, hon?
Carrie, you got something to share, hon. Talk to us. Hey, I upgraded your blender while you were gone. I got you a Ninja. Oh, good. Oh, that's great. Oh, a silent killer. Yeah, I thought you'd really love that. Yeah, a silent killer willing to betray anything to get the job done. That sounds good. Okay, kiddo, we're going to hit this sack. We're very tired. Yeah, all right. Got anything else? Yeah, well, I have to...
I have to get going, but I just want to mention that, unfortunately, when Reese was taking the car out one time, she hit one of those really bad potholes down the road. What? And we had to replace the tire. So that's all taken care of. You don't have to worry about it. Wow. All right. What did the mechanic say? You can give him a call. I don't know. I don't know anything about tires. Reese handled it all? All right. Honey, call. Get Reese on the phone. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. I'm going to call Reese. Put her on speaker.
Hi, Reese. It's your mother and father. We're back from our cruise. So hold on. Hold on, honey. You took my Mini Cooper. You crashed it. What did the mechanic say, Reesey? I didn't do that. This is Reese. What are you talking about? I didn't crash your car. What are you talking about? Carrie, what's happening here? What's happening, hon?
Carrie, answer the question. Are you high? I don't know why she's putting it on me. This is classic Carrie. So if you're going to lean in, you need to get Reese on board with you. Are you going to do that? No. Absolutely. You are? I think she would do it. Oh, you're going to coordinate. I think she would take the fall for me. Okay. So if Reese is in, this is a good plan. If she's not, you got to fix the tires. Will you follow up with us after you talk to Reese? Please.
Absolutely. It's got to be fast. We've got two weeks. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you, Carrie. Keep us updated. We are brought to you by Hero Bread.
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hi hi welcome to the show with gareth and jake all right with gareth and jake are here jake's here uh it's uh it's we're here to help america's number one podcast can we get your name age where you're calling from please skyrocketing up the charts yeah my name is maggie and i'm from columbus ohio and i'm 24 really fast maggie is this a real name
No. Okay. I love the name Maggie. Oh, interesting. I wanted Maggie. I fought for Maggie as one of my kids' names. I think it is one of the most underused names. Did you get to name either of your kids? I would like to say I had a vote. So no. So the wife vetoed a lot of your stuff and then- Maggie, the floor is yours. I wanted Maggie and Jake Jr.,
Maggie... For two and girls. George Foreman did it. He did. All George Juniors and then Georginas, and he had a bunch of them. Yeah. And I want a grill, too, man. Oh, man, I can't wait for your grill face. Oh, same. The Jadson Bradstamper. What do you think this podcast is? All right, Maggie, what's going on? Wonderful Pistachios. Okay, so...
My mom calls my dad Big D. Oh, no. She's always done this ever since I was little. Like didn't think much of it when I was younger because I'm pretty sure in her mind, it's just like a fun way that she shortened like
big dad or big daddy but anyway fun it's gotten to the point where my youngest brother who still lives at home has also started calling him this he doesn't know any better and then like like i got older kind of realized like exactly how weird this was even if he doesn't and like
She called him it in public all the time too, to the point where like she said it at our wedding in front of my husband's groomsmen. So he's just, he's just big D. That's what she calls him 90% of the time. And you're noticing most people reacting the way you, most people are like, whoa,
Yes. Like all my husband's groomsmen were like, dude, her mom called him Big D. No, it means Big Dick. We're on the same page. So how do I get my mom to stop calling him Big D? At least in public. At home is one thing, but it's got to stop in public. So Maggie, just to be clear on this, because sometimes parents will say things that they don't. She might actually be meaning Big Daddy.
She might. Do you think this started because your dad has a big old dick? No, this started because. Because it's important. I mean, I hope not. I hope so. I don't know. I mean, I don't know, but I hope not. Because it's two different roads to travel. If this started when they were dating, she was like, my man's got a big old dick. He's big D. And then when the kids happened, it just carried on.
Then that's a it's like, for example, my wife, the nickname we give her is Berbers and Berbers is because before I was around, she and her sister got my wife is not this type, but she got drunk, drunk. And her sister, she was like, I'm a curb somewhere. And her middle name is Barbara. And her sister goes like, do you know your name or do you know your name? And she goes, I'm Berber.
So Berbers is a different person than my wife, but Berbers lets it rip. Yeah, right. So when you need trouble, you're like, bring out Berbers. But now that we have kids, they'll be- How often do you see Berbers now? Never. Never, yeah. But I ask for Berbers a lot. Right. How would Berbers handle this situation? So Berbers might have some connection that they have pre-kids when they were just two crazy kids dating. Yeah. Or it means big daddy. I kind of feel like we need to know
the origin of Big D in order to really solve this? Well, it's definitely different because if your mother's out in public just like showboating that your dad has a, I'm sorry, Big Dick, that's one thing. She wants people to know. But what were you going to say, Matt? You said so. Well, so she also loves to like mix it into like a little chant sometimes, which will go like, Big D, fight for victory. So I don't know if it's like the fact that like it rhymes with her chant or like...
Well, your mom's fun. Here's what we have to do. Yeah. Yeah. Is we basically in order to, I think, find out and try to solve the problem is we need someone to tell your mom that Big D doesn't mean Big Daddy to most people anymore. It means that your dad has a big dick. We also might need to know. We might need to get from her what she thinks Big D means. Well, I think the way to do that is this would be my pitch.
My pitch would be we set up a ringer. So we have someone be around, like your husband's friend, be around your mother and your father for the first time. And when she does it, he scoffs and goes, I'm sorry, are you calling him Big D? And when she's like, yeah, that's what I call him, he goes, oh, okay. Do they know the internet thinks of that as something different? Right. And you go,
No, I, well, mom, just so you know, today in the way we speak, Big D actually means big dick. Right. So I think a lot of people when you, and get it out that way. I've got a question. I think that's a smart move. We could win that way. But what do you, how fast does your mom text you back? Pretty fast. What about texting her right now? What does Big D mean? Hmm.
Oh, Jesus. I love Joe. Okay. That's scary. What is big demon? And then she'll go big daddy. Why? And then we'll see what it is. Or she'll say, ha ha ha. Or she'll say, I'm not telling. And now we have a different problem. How much do you think it means? Big daddy, Sam. I'm like pretty, I'd say 97%. Okay. So then let's get her to say that.
And then, cause guess what? There's a really easy way to do this. It's via text. Hey mom, a question. What do you think big D means? And she writes big daddy. Why? And you go, cause I just had a, I just saw a show where,
That there was a whole premise of it was the big D just means big dick. Are you calling dad big dick in public or big daddy in public? And she'll go, oh my God, big daddy. And you go, I think we might need to fix this because it seems as if you're, I'm telling you what, like this younger crazy generation things, you're walking around calling this guy big dick. I would call him big daddy in public. Rather than big dick. Yes.
But we got to make sure, because what do you think of going that really direct route? It would get us results. It would, for sure. But what do you think? My only concern is, I don't know if it's going to, like, give me a black mark as a daughter, because, like, growing up, like, dick was, like, a bad word. Like, that's not a word we were allowed to use at all. That's a shocking turn. Specifically? Well, all of, like, it was a family that did not do, like, bad words. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Like we weren't allowed to say like, but. Well, then I think she would want to know. So then your mom has no idea. Then I think she would want to know. I think she has no idea. I think she has no idea, too. Maggie. I don't think she's comfortably walking around being like, he's got a big dick. No way. I thought she was a loose, have a couple cocktails mom. No. She doesn't let her kids say butt growing up. She has no idea she's doing big dick chants. No.
This is her nightmare. She's that sweet that she's just like, big daddy. And she's like, I love the big D in my backside. Literally the backside of our house. I love it. Because that's where he's fixing the porch.
And you're like, mom, this is a problem of like how to broach this. I was judging your mom as kind of like one of those like ladies who likes to party and goes on a boat and drinks too much. Then I would go with the ringer. And I here's the other way you could slice it, too. If you don't want to set up one of your husband's friends, you could go through your little brother. You could say to your little brother, just so you know.
When mom's saying Big D, do you know what most people are thinking? And your little brother would be like, Big Daddy, that's what we call him. And you go, no. Most people think it means Big Dick. So when we're out in public and mom is calling him Big D, most people are like, what the fuck is going on with these people? So you're having the little kid eat the grenade? Well, you're just kind of getting it. Because then he's going to have to go like, Big Dick! Well, there you go. And he gets in trouble for saying Dick. Then he gets the X. Okay. So I'm not into throwing younger brother under the bus personally.
I think we've got to, I like the thing you were saying about have a ringer do it accidentally. Yeah. Set it up. I kind of feel like we do this via text, Maggie. Your mom is. You're still on the text. Yeah. And here's why. Because the world Gareth and I are going to set up is going to be a ridiculously theatrical moment that is going to lead to, if executed.
A very embarrassing moment for mom. This is a woman I think has no idea. But we're not going to be able to avoid that. Yes, we will. With what? Her texting? A text. Hey, mom, quick question. What do you think Big D means? I ask because there's this new like TikTok trend about it. That's good. And she goes...
Big D equals big dad. Why? And then you go, just as an FYI, there's like a new viral video that it's people calling big D, meaning people's private parts. Significant others, big D. In public. Meaning that they have a big you know what. A big private part. And I know that you do it in a different way. I just wanted to give you a heads up because I love you and don't want you to put yourself in an embarrassing spot. No, it's because your dad has a huge penis. Yeah.
But what do you think of something like that via text? She's not shamed in front of anybody. I got to say, I'm coming around on this. Right. Listen, I think I think if you blame it on like a tick tock tick tock trend that I call it a tick tock. Sorry. OK. I don't know if she knows what tick tock is, but I don't know. But that's the idea. Yeah. Social media. We want her to be the kind of geezer who calls it tick tock.
You know, yeah. And so what do you think about sending her a text? I was basically born in the 80s. Bigly. What do you think of right now sending her a text that says, hey, mom, what do you think Big D means? I don't hate it. I'm like nervous, but I don't hate it. It's scary.
But right now you've got two very unprofessional, unqualified people walking you through it. So you should be more scared. But I also think you should do it. A couple of burbers. A couple of burbers. A couple of piglets. So what do you think of just starting, Maggie? Whipping out that big P of yours and starting texting. Nice.
I know. Okay. I'm so scared, but all right, let's do it. Well, let's make sure. Are you, are you sure you're okay with this? Do you want to do this? Don't be pressured by a couple of guys in their early thirties.
Here's my concern is I think she'll immediately call me and be like, so we speak. Yeah. What? Then you then you open up the ass. Well, look here. Here's the truth. The SP one one. Stop doing this. One of them. One of the pitches involves a lot more work. And like Jake said, it involves you kind of having her have to figure this out in front of a stranger, your husband and you. Yeah.
The other option is that you just tell her that there is a social media trend that makes her nickname now seem like something different and you're looking out for her. Because we got to get to a hard D decision. Okay. Maggie, I have a pitch that is basically phrasing it that way, but just a little softer, which is saying the context first, then the question of like, mom, exclamation point, send. Just saw a crazy video of,
Where someone was saying Big D and it meant something different. Kevin, let me interrupt. Yeah. What if right now we did a pretend viral video where we talk about it and you said to her and said, I just saw this clip going viral. Mom, just be careful. What do you think? Great. And you could send it to her. I kind of love that. Okay. It's good because I thought we were sending her down like a big A-hole for a minute. Advice hole. Yeah.
So ready? Now we are going to be YouTubers, TikTokers, big energy guys talking to camera. Maybe we could do some graphics on it. Yeah. Make it real weird. And we're talking about the big D problem. Yeah. Okay. Ready? The big D problem being that a lot of people now are saying there's significant other. They don't know what it means. Yeah. Okay. And it's got to be short. Okay. Like this clip's got to be under a minute because she's going to have to text it to her mom. Okay.
Your name in this is what? My name is what? Her mom has no idea who we are. Yeah, all right. Well, then I'll be Piggly. And why don't you be Moe? Okay. All right. Okay. Piggly! Moe, let's talk about this real quick. We have to talk about it right now, right now, right now, right now. This is so crazy. So there's so many people out there right now calling their boyfriends.
or their husbands. Big D. Big D, saying they have a big dick. So it's a way to let people know. No, but they don't know. They don't know. But people don't know that what it actually means is big dick. People are saying, hey, Big D. Hey, Big D. But what does it mean? Big dick. Big dick. So if you're out in public and you're saying like Big D to someone. Meaning like daddy. Meaning like daddy. Or anything. It means big dick. Big dick. So everyone's laughing at you because they think it means big dick. But literally, I saw an older woman, literally like a grandma. She was like 70 years old. And she was saying to her husband, she said like, hey, Big D. And I was like-
You don't know what you just did. You just called that old man Big Dick. Big Dick. Like and subscribe. Hurry, smash the like. How's that, Maggie? Maggie, would you send that? That was incredible. Now, be honest, though. Is that too much? Would you actually send that or no?
It's like maybe a few dimensions of the word dick. Okay. But well, but it's shocking. I agree. But Maggie, right. We need this to, and actually for it to happen, we need you to really send this to your mom. Are you going to send that? Or in the end, you're going to go, ah, it's not going to do the thing.
I think I'd actually send it. Okay. It's like, it needs to stop. Okay. There we go. We're going to give you just a take two. Okay. And we're going to send you both and you're going to have options. And this is going to be a way less crazy one. Okay. That is just going to get the same message across. Okay. And then Maggie, you're going to choose. All right. Ready? Yeah. Okay. Perfect.
Hey, Piggly? Yeah, Mo, what's up? Have you had this experience where you're walking down the street in a supermarket, you see a woman say to her husband, hey, Big D, let's get home. Yeah, a lot of people are using Big D right now. And are they using it correctly? Well, no, because I think a lot of people don't know what most of us think when we hear Big D. I think they think it means Big Daddy. Something like that, but what we're actually thinking it means is Big Daddy.
This dude has a big dick! PRIVATE! PRIVATE DUDE! DON'T SAY THE WORD! Bleep it, bleep it, I don't care! Kevin, bleep it! Bleep it! I don't care, I'll say it again! Stop! So everybody out there, this is a PSA to you great people out there, please! We know that you think Big D means Daddy, or Danny, or David. But it means... Stop! You know! Like and subscribe. Hit the smash button. What?
What did you think of that one? Okay, that was perfect. That's more moms. And let her know it's like a viral sensation. Yeah, because then it's like telling her that it's not what she thinks it is without her having to like
feel scarred yeah all right so let's send her let's send her that one tell her mo and pigly are like pigly it's like with kids that huge youtuber a couple of guys in their early 30s yeah a couple guys late 20s early 30s huge youtubers really boyish she's unbelievable though so yeah keep it believable mid-30s um so yeah but like a couple early stop sniffing 50s stop it
Couple guys early 30s, big YouTube following. Their YouTube channel's huge. And then will you send it to her and then maybe do it via text or do it with her and film her? I think we got to do that one. Would you be willing to film her? And then you call in. Yes, I will if I can get her like...
Alone. Alone pretty soon. If it takes too long, then I'll just text it. And either way, we want to follow up. But the text is fine because even if we just got her response, it's good. Yeah. Thank you, guys. All right, Maggie. Thanks, Maggie. Thanks. Thank you so much.
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Hello. Hello. Welcome back to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. We know that you're a follow-up. We don't know what your first call was, so do you want to give us an update? Give us your name. Yeah. Let us know where we're at. Great. Okay. So my name is Reese. You actually talked to my sister, Carrie, who popped our parents' tires yesterday.
When they were on vacation. Oh, yes. Okay, keep going so the audience knows, but we're both very excited. Reese, I'm very excited about this. This was probably our first follow-up that is someone else entirely. Yeah, we should probably update you a little too. But okay, so essentially your sister is known as the irresponsible one in your family, sort of, for lack of a better term. Dad said don't drive the car. She's going to house it. She's not supposed to drive the car.
She does drive the car. Right? Yeah, well, she wasn't supposed to drive it. She was supposed to only drive it for like a short time. Right. And then she decided to continue driving it. Of course. And in the extended time is when she hit a pothole. And then she called you guys and then a panicked
Apparently you told her to blame me for it. This is awkward right now. That's what I was going to say. And I'll be honest. Just got busted. Just got busted. I'll be honest. I don't remember who pitched the blame you, but I do believe it was one of these. Stop it. I do believe it was one of these ones where we pitched it and we kind of were like, that's just an option. So the others look shiny. And she, and she went with this one and we were like, Oh, I loved it. Yeah.
Yeah, she loved that one. She did tell me about it, though. Okay. I was like, yeah. I was like, fine. You want to blame it on me? That's fine. Because honestly, I kind of was hoping she would. Wow. Because I know how that would go. Wait, why were you hoping she would blame it on you? So my mom would then invite me over for dinner. They'd bring up the tire. I'd be like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I forgot about it. That was way back in winter.
go from there and then by the time i left and got home my mom would have like ven mode or zelled me like the 400 dollars so i would be 400 richer you'd have a full meal of food you would watch like two shows wait a life
I like mom. So because you get blamed, you're so charming and loved that you're able to leave the house richer. So everybody wins, kind of? Except your parents? Your parents lose twice, really? No, they win because they get to be around their favorite little Reesey. Yeah, but they've been lied to twice and they're in the hole 400 bucks for something they do. No, they were stuck with Carrie. And then after, they got Reesey for only 400 bucks.
Oh, my God. So what happened? So is that what happened? No. So they got home. We all showed up at their condo to welcome them home.
I was planning on telling them. Carrie was also planning on telling them. Neither of us had told each other this. You were both going to just say this happened with the tire and you Reese were going to blame Carrie and Carrie was going to blame you.
Well, no, I was going to take the blame. Okay, gotcha. Because I wanted the $400. Respect, I get it. Because you love your parents. You wanted to take the blame. Yeah, I love my parents. Exactly, exactly. Turkey meatloaf and 400 bucks. Yep. So they got home, and right away you could tell. You could tell that they were looking around this condo, figuring out what has been broken, what's missing, what has changed. What did Carrie fuck up, essentially. Yeah. Okay, did she tell you about the wine? No. No.
Okay. So,
Before they left, I had dinner with them. I was on my way out. I noticed that they had like a bunch of just like Kirkland wine, like the Costco brand wine. And I made a joke saying, oh, you better hide that if you like it, Carrie will drink it all. And my dad got a little upset and was like, well, she better not drink it all. And my mom was like, who cares? It's Costco wine. Like, don't worry. Yeah.
So anyway, fast forward, Carrie does use it all. Oh my God. Wow. She doesn't drink it, but like she'll bring it to parties and like, you know, she gives out their wine. Okay. There's two things about this. Two things are amazing about this.
The first is that she would just frivolously like go hand out the wine. The second is that anyone who drinks wine knows that Kirkland wine, if you bring to someone's house, is almost just being like, I don't like you that much. Today's episode is brought to you by Kirkland wine. Kirkland wine, delicious. Concord grapes, we're smashing them by the ton. That's Costco wine, Kirkland wine, number one wine to buy in gallons.
So what's funny about this is that he, you know, like a week before they come back, she's like, okay, I'm going to go pick up more of this wine. He goes to Costco and finds out that they're all out of this specific type of wine. I don't know what kind it is, but apparently it's only made in the fall.
or put out in the fall and it takes like two years to make so it's actually like oh it's actually nice it's actually nice wine but she didn't like bother to look this up and that's probably why my dad was like oh this is great mania but also just as like an overall house sitting rule
You can't take from the house and give as gifts. Yeah. You can enjoy some of this stuff, but you can't go like, hey, in the shower, they have some shampoo. I'll just go give it to my friend. It's in the house. It's the houses. She probably popped the tire when she was a leader, a Kirkland cab driver.
I mean, this is wild. Okay, so she gifts out your dad's wine. It's two-year wine. Your dad likes it. She pops his tire, gets a cheap tire on it. What else did this maniac do? She sell the bed and turn it into an air mattress? How... Like, we really...
We're giving her advice. We didn't know who we were dealing with, to be honest. Gareth, we never do. We never do. We never do, but I feel like we were like, look, Carrie, we can figure it out. Meanwhile, she's handing out the wine. While we're talking, she's lighting the curtains on fire. She's the problem child. What do you got for curtains?
And so, all right. So he gets home. There's no wine. She ends up replacing it with, she replaces it with different wine that's like comparable, actually probably a little bit better. So she kind of saves herself with that. But as soon as my dad is home, I'm like, the wine is by where we all put our shoes. And so I'm putting my shoes on to leave. And I noticed he's looking up at the wine and he just smiles.
And I was like, oh, he notices that that's not the same wine. He all of a sudden he's like, so the wine and Carrie's like, yeah, so I didn't know about that. And like, he's actually laughing about it. So we're like, oh, that's good. So what ended up happening with the tire? How did it all go down?
Did you tell that they didn't they know? We both looked at each other and I was like, I'm not telling. And she's like, I'm not telling. We kind of just gave that sibling look, you know. And so we didn't tell. And we just kept waiting for him to, like, come back. And he has not noticed. What? Which we're shocked by. Shocked. Because that satire looked very different than the other one. I got bad news for you, Reese. He noticed. What?
He just didn't tell his daughters who drove him up a fucking wall. That's not a thing. And so at this point, we're waiting to hear what dad says. So at this point, it feels like a win for the sisters. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I really think that he's going to find out when he takes the car in and then somebody's going to be like, oh, this is a newer tire. Why didn't you replace the other one? Yes. That.
So that'll come up at some point. He's for sure going to find out. Yeah, absolutely. And it goes back to now she has to have a story ready. I don't know. Maybe I'll take the blame again. I don't know. But I think I lose out on the money at this point. If your mom gives you $400 for this, we see the real problem. It's not Carrie. It's not you. It's not the dad. It's the enabler. Mom's the problem.
I'm real sorry for your loss there, Reese. Yeah, Reese, we appreciate the call. Thanks for the follow-up and good luck. Let us know if he finds out and something happens. We would love to hear the end of this saga. All right, we'll do. Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up originally aired January 1st. It's the episode called Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco, and it is the second call on that episode. So if you want to listen to that as a quick refresher, go for it. All right. Enjoy.
Howdy, friends. Howdy. Throws me. Howdy. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. You have Jake and Gareth here. We know we're doing a follow-up, so we know you have an update, but would you mind telling us who you are and what you called about the first time before we get into it? Yeah, sure. So I'm Alice, and I called the first time because...
I was publishing a, we'll call it a spicy romance book. And I needed help with getting that in front of my dad in a way that wasn't going to scar the family for life or like make dinner really awkward. Yeah. Um,
So, yeah, you guys had some some fun advice. And I do have an update for sure. Eduardo and I, Eduardo Franco and I offered to read the sultry parts of the story in a more PG related fashion for your father. Yeah, but I think what we landed on, correct me if I'm wrong, Jake, is that we just do a special audio book where you paused, you omit and you openly omit. Is that correct, Alice? Yeah. Yeah. You sent it to us. We played it at the end of the episode. It was very funny.
It was great. So what's happening? What happened? What'd you do? What's the situation? Walk us through it. Oh, goodness. This went in a completely different direction than I expected it to. Oh, joy. I'll just say that. Oh, joy. Oh, joy. So, you know, my initial concern was like, I mean, we don't typically talk about it.
talk about our sex lives and share tips and sexual fantasies at the dinner table. It's just not a conversation like we've ever had. Yeah. Not something you usually do with your parents. No judgment though, if that doesn't apply to somebody. But so I was more thinking this was going to be embarrassing. He was going to look at his little girl differently. What I did not consider is the fact that he would take it as an opportunity to now unleash years of
information that I maybe didn't want to know about my parents or just like open the floodgates of he's kind of seen this as like well you started it
So now here I go. I'm going to tell you all these things about how I met your mother or like all sorts of what your mother and I are up to these days that I really need to hear. So that's happened. Wait, hold on, Alice. There's an enormous elephant that just walked in the room. What is he telling you?
I mean, I'm not going to put his business out on blast publicly, but I'm just saying like there are comments made about kitchen tables, about places they have. He's telling his daughter this? I think now he's getting too much of the kick out of trying to shock me back because I was afraid I would shock him. And he's like trying to prove how unshockable he is. I don't know.
Okay. Gross. Hold on. I have to just jump in and I know this is not an advice. This is a follow-up, but Alice, the only way to win here with your dad is fire with fire. Stop it. He's trying. Cause I'll tell you what, as a dad, you try to be really funny and you go, this will be great. I'll gross her out. You know, it's really gross for him. If you say, Oh,
Oh, you did it on a table with mom? Well, let me tell you where I did it last night. And he goes like, you're my daughter. No. I hate this. And you go, so do I, dad. And it's over. And it's over. No, because he's like, that's pretty good. You know, we did that, but in the ass. And you're like, oh, my God. And then you go, so did I.
You can enter a world of insanity with this or you can end it in a hurry. Okay, so, okay. Horrifying. So he's doing this. Is there any more evolution to this nightmare? This has become a nightmare. I mean, yeah, family dinners are no longer safe. Well, because you can't eat where he's porking. Yeah, that's true. And my siblings are like,
unintended casualties of this whole war sex shrapnel from father's erotica and what's mom doing while dad's telling all these stories shaking her head and laughing and letting him do his just letting it be now bring up the pool table carl he couldn't finish yeah
No, it must've, I got, I, my legs were literally too tired. That's why we stopped. I said, they're shaking. He said, it's hot. I said, stop it. I'm over it.
So, Alice, this is a strange follow-up, and I'll tell you, I never expected this turn. Yeah, it's weird. Nor did I. Because you called in saying you wrote a book, there's some really steamy chapters you wanted to be able to share with your family. The Texas mob. Yes, the Texas mob, but you didn't want them to have to hear all about the sex stuff, so then you omitted it. Yeah.
Out of respect. And the reaction you got was... You've liberated it. You've liberated... You've turned your family into a sex crazed... You know...
It's wild. You know what it reminds me of? It's like when you get involved in entertainment or comedy, when your family starts pitching you sketches or ideas. That would be good for SNL. Yes. I'm not interested in SNL. My mother will just be like, you should tell this story on stage. And I'm like, when does it get good? But instead, you're dealing with the like...
The sexuality of your father. I do have a pitch if we want to try to do a follow-up. Really fast, Gareth, to connect on that. The other thing that it also does in the entertainment is you get random texts from my dad's old friends who will go like,
whatever that movie is like Ricky Stinicki or whatever. Yeah. Right. I'll get a text from an unknown number. Like, have you seen Ricky Stinicki? It's very funny. And I'll go, who is this? And it would be like your father's old golf buddies wife. And I'll go like, I haven't seen it. And they'll go like, you would like it. And I go,
Why? I'm a guy. I'm actually just a guy. Just because I do this business. If anything, it makes you not enjoy things in that way a little bit more. I'm not interested in watching it. I'll never see it. It's fine. But go ahead. What's your pitch?
Well, you need to in order to bring decorum back into this household, you might need to bring shame back into this household. And the only way that I could think of doing that is potentially a smokescreen where you
You tell your father and your mother, and I'm not saying you do this, but you say this, that you're writing a book about their exploits that maybe brings a little bit of, for lack of a better term, I don't want to say shame, but it makes them feel like maybe they're being a little too free with this information. Live by the sword, die by the sword on this one. Yes. It could go the other way. It could, for sure. He could go. You could end up being...
He could treat you like a sexual stenographer. Yes. Yeah, he could just think that's his chance to up his game. He could. Become famous. I don't know. Yeah, I am just, at this point, what I've been doing is really just kind of hoping it'll, like, wear itself out and, like, he'll get all his material out and then we'll be
somewhat back to normal. I don't know if that's realistic. No, that's sort of all I got because I didn't come into this prepared for this eventuality. Alice, Alice, I have a pitch and it's going to take some producing to get this one done. Great. Kevin, Kevin's excited. I think we need to have your dad on the show. Okay. Because I think you, Alice, come on. Does he know you were on a podcast about the first time?
He does. So he's heard, did he hear it? And he heard about the omitting and he had fun with that. And so he has gone to another place with it. I think we need to have dad on without you. Without me. Oh God. And the premise of the call. Now, you know how this show works. Whoever's on Gareth and I, unfortunately are whichever way the wind blows.
We're with you and then we're with somebody else or with somebody else. So I can't promise how that's going to end, but they were going into it with the mission of dad. We got to stop, stop telling these stories and we're your buddy and we're going to try to help you. But I think we're going to need his email if you're comfortable with that. And if he passes, he passes. What do you, what do you think Alice? And I'm going to tell you why I want to pitch this because we're here to help. God damn it. Okay. Tell me.
There's a way that this is going to get really bad. It's a great episode. We're here to help our audience members. Join us on Patreon. No, but here's why, Allison. Here's the truth. Here's the truth.
There's a chance this goes sideways, right? And your dad is just one of your mom's favorite positions, by the way. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. But there's a chance it does go sideways. And your dad has a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun. And in the end, we tell him, you know what? Fight fire with fire. Double down on Alice. Ruin every meal. You're the funniest guy in the world. But what I think is going to happen is we're going to have a lot of fun. And in the end, he's going to go.
All right, I'll cool it and we'll go. Thank you, sir. You're helping the show. And he goes, I'm done. And you guys get a big family laugh. What do you think, Ellis?
You know what? At this point, I'm willing to try it just because, I mean, to your point, it can only go one of two ways. I don't really have any other ideas. You're already losing. By the way, you're already losing. Yeah. Yeah. And I think he would get a kick out of it. Like, you guys will have a good time with him. And I'd rather him direct it at someone other than me for a little bit. And I think that makes a lot of sense. And I think we are those who want it directed at us.
Jake doesn't speak for everyone who's hosting the show, but he definitely speaks for himself. But I do think it's right. I think we can... Let's... Look, you're out of... Your Swiss Army knife is cashed out. Let us take a couple cracks at it and see what we can do. All right. Yeah, I'm game. Let's do it. Alice, we're here to help. We can't wait to talk to your dad about sex. Thanks, Alice. Thank you, Alice. Thanks, guys. Thanks.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.
All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.