85: The Muffin Man with Bobby Moynihan
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And we are...

Garf finishes it. Back, buddy boy, we are back. We were just talking about how if I were to walk up to a bar, I'd probably get ID'd. Hey, everybody, we got a great one today. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast and soon to be Australia's number seven podcast. How are we doing in Australia, Garf?

I don't think great, but I got some ideas. I got some good guests we can have on. Yeah, I think there's some ways. Australia, we're coming after you, man. We're coming after you. Yes, after I've moved here full time for three weeks, it's time to come home. I'm going to fly home draped in the American flag like when the Dream Team won the Olympic gold. It's time. It's time. We got a great, fun episode.

We really do. We have a great guest. You've known this guy for a long time. I had never met him before, but been a fan for a while. Bobby Moynihan, who stars in Unfrosted and is a great guest. And again, another guest who I think

comes into the show going like here we go giving out therapy advice that I shouldn't and then is like wait what do you guys do here yeah and he goes oh wait this is actually a lot of fun yeah he's like this is fun oh god thank god that is right I forgot Bobby did have a middle of it where he went like I think he might have said beforehand I am in no position to give people advice on anything and we said like welcome to the premise of the show yeah we were like neither are we wait till you hear our callers this is a curated session sir

There is something so nice about when a guest helper comes on and they like the relief of when they hear the problem. Well, I would hate to be actually if I was doing like a press door and somebody said, will you come on my pod and give advice? My thought would be like, no stress. But also, what is who am I to give advice? And then if I heard the call was like, I love toilet paper, but I like to use a lot of it. I'd be like, I got a lot of advice for this guy.

You use too much toilet paper, my man. We got to slow down three plies. By the way, Kevin right now is deleting three calls from the future call list. Jake really blew a hole in that boat.

um anyway we uh we really thank everybody what would be the 3b of that you said i blew three by saying i like the guy with toilet paper what what are the three he deleted garth go okay well so there's okay so there is a guy who is using too much toilet paper oh fuck yeah who's using too much toilet paper that guy fair okay bring him on bring him on then then there's a guy who refuses to use toilet paper

Bring him on. He's water only. Hold on. Have we had a guy? We've had something close to a guy refuses toilet paper. Have we not? You know what I'm saying, too? I don't remember what. Oh, never mind. It was dirty sheets. A guy who didn't know how to wipe because he said his parents never taught him. But then we also had with Andy Samberg. We had the person, the phantom. Who would take dumps in the studio and not use toilet paper or flush.

Which is just... What a power play. That should be a side podcast. But either way, listen, we're not here to talk about that Andy Samberg call from months ago. We really appreciate everybody listening, sharing, all that stuff. Continue to do it. Also, we were on Tiger Belly. If people want to go give a listen to that, that was a great episode. Crazy stuff. So, without...

further ado hi welcome uh welcome to the show we're here to help how are you i'm good how are you guys i'm a big fan well we're we're we're we're big fans of each other uh you have uh that's not what you were supposed to say yeah well we don't know who the hell this person is but what's your name sir who's this

My name is Matt, and I'm from Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah, see, we don't know Matt. But maybe we'll be fancy by the end. Anyway, you have Jake, you have myself, and you also have a fantastic guest helper, Jake's little brother, Jake's big brother, at the same time, the great, the well-track-suited Bobby Moynihan joins us. Give it up.

Oh my God. I love your work. Oh my gosh. This is crazy. Are you talking to me or Bobby? It's not about you, Gareth. It's about Bobby. I love your stuff too. Okay. Just to be clear. You had the whole intro. Let's go to Bobby a little bit, huh? Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Which I'm about to if you could just kind of get out of the way. If you have any questions for Gareth, I can answer them. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All right. What was your name again?

My name is Matt. Matt from Arizona. Matt, Arizona. Good work, Bobby. Just making sure you're there. Gary, you are turned around today, my friend. I've been drinking. Something's up. I took a couple pills this morning. He came in. I took some cat pills. We had started. You ever get medication for your cat and take it? Yeah. You know what I mean? Kill a little screechy. Anyway, all right, Matt from Phoenix. What's going on, buddy? So I have a little bit of an interesting issue. It's going to kind of start off as a bummer, but then we'll get to the funny bit after. I was part of the tech layoffs last year in December, and I was kind of off my feet.

for a little bit and kind of struggling until I got a new job in February that's been very good to me. Everyone there is nice. Spendfits are way better than my last job. And as a way to show how grateful I was, I decided to buy everyone muffins on that Monday. I'm sorry, Matt. He said muffins? Yeah, he did a muffin Monday. We've all been there. All right. Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't think anything of it until it was brought up at the meeting how grateful everyone there was for the muffins.

and they started calling me the moniker of Muffin Man. Sure. Okay. Wait, Bobby, what do you got? I just say, like, yeah. You're very happy. I'm psyched. That's a good one to get. We're waiting for a problem. Better than shithead. Matt the Muffin Man. Well, as a joke, I bought muffins the following Monday, and, you know, everyone was saying how grateful they were on that day, and it kind of turned into this joke, and I ended up being sick the following week,

and there were no muffins and I thought it would kind of drop off and when I came back everyone kind of came up to me and said listen we were very disappointed you weren't there we thought you might have gotten in a car accident or something devastating happened we just can't go without the muffin man on muffin Monday so just for the bit I decided to get more muffins the following Monday and the correct

crux of the issue is I'm 12 weeks in buying muffins every Monday. Why? All right. So hold on. So you've been buying muffins every week for 12 weeks.

That'll add up. Well, I mean, we say it like that. Yeah. Uh, it's a bit of an issue. Uh, it started off as a joke, but now I think I'm just, I'm too deep into it. And I kind of don't want to lose this kind of favor I'm getting with my coworkers. I mean, I got a nickname and the whole thing. Yeah. And, uh, you know, like I said, this is a great job. And, uh, you know, I want to create as much favor with my coworkers as possible, but I just, I don't think my wallet could take anymore. All

All right, so Matt, we got a really fun setup. You got laid off. You got a new job. You decided to be nice. You bought muffins on a Monday. Everybody liked it. You kind of got deep into the role. You've been buying muffins every week for 12 weeks. What's the problem? What's the question? I know the problem. Well, I'm kind of, at this point, it's kind of a monetary issue, and I was just wondering if there's maybe some sort of solution where I could kind of

get out of this nickname that I'm in and maybe do something else or if there's maybe a different bit that won't weigh so heavy on my income. Before we start pitching, I think Bobby's got some thoughts. I just, I'm so happy. I got so nervous when you said, this is the best problem. It sucks for you that you got to pay for muffins, but this is...

This made my day. Yeah, we're not doing real problems. No, no, no. I'm so happy. You heard laid off. There's so many comedians giving advice about- I know. Divorce. Real things. And depression. I'm like, I got your answer. It's funny. When I said advice, Bobby, I saw you look down and I thought like, what was the distance there? There's no way we're giving- We are talking about muffins on Monday, my man. We're trying to get a guy out of a muffin hole.

We said our best kind of calls are if somebody puts too much deodorant on and they like that it doesn't smell, but it feels weird under their arms. We're like, all right, we have nine pitches. You know, like you would think that it would just kind of be an easy out, but I had literally someone this last Monday come up to me and say, hey, listen, we really appreciate you bringing muffins every Monday. A lot of people in the office. It's part of the culture. It is.

Yeah, it's now kind of turned into the culture. Yeah, so earnest. So, Matt, I got to ask a couple of questions on your question just so we're clear. Is this a financial issue? Is this you don't want to be the muffin man issue? Is this you don't want to bring anything issue? Because the more clear the question, the cleaner the pitch is.

A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. You know, I honestly, I'm sure if I lost the Muffin Man nickname, and I think that... You're going to lose a lot more than you think, man. Yeah. I'm saying, first of all, why in God's name would you lose that nickname? That's a... Bobby, go ahead. There's no...

It's the muffin. You're the muffin man. Agreed. Like, this is a win. It is a thing. There's two ways to be the muffin man, I feel like. You either say thank you very much and you stop. Yeah. Or you become the muffin man. I agree. Yeah. I think you've got it. Yeah. But the muffin man, you have to set rules. Right. What would the rules be? How long do you have to...

As the Muffin Man? You deliver muffins on Monday? You got until the following Monday? No, I'm just saying, are we still asking questions? Are we giving a solution? Because he said column A, column B. So Matt, one question. What is it you don't like about being the Muffin Man? Heavy as the head?

Yeah, but also like you're at a new job. Everybody loves the Muffin Man. It's not going home with you. It's not like affecting you at home. But at work, they're all like, Muffin Man. I feel like you're just a little too obsessed with being the Muffin Man. We've said the Muffin Man 70 times in the last minute. So like that

part. There is something you want to keep saying. We did a call once about tarantulas and I realized I said the word tarantulas probably 500 times and it weirded me out. It stopped having meaning. I was like, I've never said this word more than five times in my whole life. I'm not from Arizona. I'm like, I've said it. So Matt, just to be clear, and then we will be able to pitch on this one. We're going to have a good solution, but you deep down don't feel comfortable being the muffin man at work?

Well, it's funny that you brought the home thing up. My wife is now understanding what's kind of happening here as well. And now she's kind of expecting muffins. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now we're getting a little. That's a turn I didn't see. Not OK.

What does that mean? I want a little muffin man. What does that mean? Muffin man at work and a muffin man at home. Are different things. Very different things. I don't like it at home. Complaining to her and she's like, I'd like some muffin. Why don't you stop your complaining and get me blueberry, bitch? Yeah. I don't like it at home. What's happening? What?

Well, no, Garrett was 100% right. First of all, Matt, stop, Garrett. No, no, no. Matt, hold on. Matt, shut up. Buff and Matt, you're about to get in trouble. He's very sensitive today, and you heard him. It's not heard. It's our show. It's got a TH at the end. It's Gareth.

Like, I know that you're used to your double T at your name, and that's fine for you. You're a mat. It's got a heart. Mine is Welsh. It's a Gareth. So I'm excited to help you. But I'm just saying, if we got name issues, you don't like being the muffin man. I'm not going to get painted into a Garrett corner.

He seems to read to one. I'm back to you, Matt. Go ahead. Hey, Matt, I'm sorry about that, but I want to let you know, mostly we cut that stuff out. That's the other Garrett. Garrett is serious. Don't know. He calls me Moe from the three students. He likes to eat together all the time.

All right. So, Matt, explain to us what's going on at home with this muffin man stuff. Well, you know, I don't I don't mind buying muffins for my wife whatsoever. I think there's a little bit of miscommunication there. But now with buying muffins for the office and her and it's starting to weigh on me.

with how many muffins I'm buying for everybody. But if it's economic, that's a different thing. Totally. I'm trying to get to the bottom because he says A and B columns. Are you going to one place for all these muffins? Is there a place that you're walking into where they're like, Jesus Christ. How many muffins are we talking a week?

I actually, there's a couple of local places out here that I try to mix it up because I'm eating these muffins too and I'm getting tired of them and I try to change it up on my end. Good lord. It's like an alcoholic going to five different stores for his booze so they don't judge him.

And so roughly, just because, Matt, I know I'm going back to ask it, but it's truly a weird setup. And I don't mean that as a bad way. So you started buying muffins, roughly give me a number per week. Are we talking $100 for the muffins, $30 for the muffins? Yeah, we don't know the muffin market that well. $10,000. Are we in the grand? Yeah, where are we at per week on muffins? Not the muffins you're buying at home.

I'm a couple hundred dollars in the red for muffins for the office. Okay, that's a lot. Couple hundred two, couple hundred seven. Two. Couple hundred, they're going to take your thumbs. Probably between five and a grand. Holy shit.

No. Total. Definitely not every week. It's a lot of muffins. So you're basically spending around $50 a week on muffins. Muffins are what? $600 a piece? Yep. And by muffins, what are you talking about? Also, I don't know why, this is just me personally, if you don't mind me jumping in on your show. What is your favorite kind of muffin? Thank you, buddy.

I'm a fan of the banana nut. I'm a big fan of that one. Nice. That's a great muffin. What? You don't like that? I was 100% on his side. Until that. Until that. Now I'm like 99 points. What muffin are you after? What do you go for? Corn. Interesting. Whoa. I thought for sure you were going to say blueberry with the sugar chunks on top that look like big things of salt. I'll take it. I won't kick that out of bed. I wouldn't kick that muffin out of bed. Matthew, back to you.

So is this, and then we're going to start pitching, but is this about the money or is this about the name? Because here's one way to solve the problem. If you're like, I don't want to be the muffin man, cold turkey.

You bring you just don't know you bring eight pounds of cold. Yeah, you just bring turkey Stare into everyone's eyes use you mean it you say I am no longer the mom up you get emotional right stop it Stop it, but some tears going what's gonna happen is if you you have now fed them right you have now become something They love my floor. Yeah, so if you don't want to do this you're taking away something that they all like I think and I could be wrong

A lot of this is about the money. No, I honestly, I think you're right. I think that might be the primary issue. I just, I think the muffin man moniker is kind of just has this weight behind it that, that the money has to go with it. That's why I think I got to dump it as well. But I don't think that's true. I think we can pitch on that, but I need to know, would you be happy staying the muffin man if we solved the money problem? Sure.

Sure. Yeah. Okay, now we're clear. So now we got a pitch on ways for the company and other people to pay the muffins, pay for the muffins that the muffin man brings. Well, that's your pitch then. Are you talking about a collection tray? Yes, maybe. How do you do it? I got another. Do you have something, Bobby? You want to go? The first thing I thought is...

is you a muffin jar your cup like it's it that's it if you're you're coming on if this was me yes if i was in this predicament yeah i'm spending a couple extra bucks you got to

You got to spend money to make money. Agreed. Absolutely. Everybody says that in the business. Oh, in the muffin business. Everyone says that. Sylvester Stallone. Yep. The list goes on and on. Sylvester Stallone. His three daughters. His three daughters. His first wife. His second wife. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan. His first wife. And it's not just muscly white guys from the 80s and 90s. But that's a pretty good list. Jake the Snake. Jake the Snake. Jake the Snake. Steven Seagal. Anyway. You junkyard dogs. Junkyard dogs. Sorry, Matt. We've gone off.

If this was me, I would dress up in a costume as the Muffin Man. Oh, yeah. Music. Yes. The Muffin Man song. I'm coming in with a tray of muffins. Everyone thinks like he's stepping it up. But the muffins this time.

have receipts stuffed in them. Whoa, that is aggressive. And I go, you're welcome from the Muffin Man. If you enjoy the Muffin Man, help me pay for it. Goodbye, see you next time. Maybe they're going to take my house. That is a wild end to the beginning of that pitch. That's what I would have done. Okay, so Matt, what about the world of something there about

You know, we're going to find ways that you can ask people for money. Is there any world you're the kind of guy that you're going to dress up like the Muffin Man? You're going to put some tunes on. You're going to have a tray. You're going to hand somebody their blueberry. And then when they have it, there may be even in the center of the month. Yeah. When you hear something like that, what's your first thought?

Well, this is a relatively new job, and it's kind of a button-up tie job. So I don't know how likely it is I'm going to walk in with a muffin suit with an entrance song. Okay. All right. I get it. I'm just saying that's what I would do. Just saying we all would love to have a Willy Wonka of muffins. Yeah. Garfield, what are you thinking? Correct.

Okay, what I would do is, first of all, I think I like the idea of maybe you don't have to dress up and play a song, but you could have like a muffin man jacket. You could have something bedazzled. You could get a little something on the back. And why don't we just go...

from weekly to monthly. And there's one Monday a month where you're the muffin man. You bring them in. We're eliminating three of those weeks. And you let people know that you just it is financial. I think if I worked with someone and they were like, I don't have a muffin budget. I've got a pitch kind of like where Gareth was started.

I would consider the Muffin Man's funny. It's fun. Everybody likes the Muffin Man. Everybody understands it costs money. Yes. I would write a formal jokey email saying,

There has been complications in the world of the monthly man's economics. The muffin man does not want to stop, but what we are looking for is similar to people sponsoring sections of the highway. We are going to start a thing where we need people to sponsor each Monday. Yeah. And so that the muffin man, there'll be like a little sign on paper you print out. They go like, this week's muffins presented by Janice in accounting. That's good. I like that. You get a little muffin card.

crown yeah and so the muffin man you are the ceo of muffin monday but each week you are passing it to somebody new it's like santa and mall santa yes you are franchising you know what it is it's santa it's franchising out it's each week there is a new muffin man but you're the muffin man

Because it always will be. What do you think? In our hearts and minds. And what we could do, if you would do this, is we could make a pitch right now that you could email to all the employees about spreading the sponsorship around.

We all love the Muffin Man. I love being the Muffin Man. I want you to experience what it's like being the Muffin Man, monetarily. Yes. What do you think of something like this? Would that fly? Would you actually do it? Because if we're going to do it, we need a follow-up on something like this. So is this a reality?

Uh, absolutely. Yeah. I, uh, I have people in kind of a team's message that I could, uh, I could kind of send out like a mass, uh, muffin man, um, team's message. I can do that. How many people are we talking? You're going to send it to, um, there's about 20 people that are part of it, but it's, it's more that participate in it. So question for you then the best way to do so, is this a road you're going to go down?

Sure. Yeah, I think that's a solid idea. Now, question before we get into how we do it. Would you rather a written thing you send, or do you want a video we make right now, and in that chat you send a video? Bobby, go ahead. I was just about to say, I will...

I'm okay with saying this. I would like to sponsor the next round of muffins. Wow. Interesting. I'll sponsor the next one. Throw that in there. Throw that in there. Gareth? Good for you guys. That's awesome. But we could start it by the first two Mondays. Guess Muffin Man. And now on the spreadsheet, you're looking for the third. So that's actually really fun because the first one being sponsored by Bobby. Second one by Jake. The third one by the show.

And then the fourth one, we're looking for somebody. Yeah. And you create a spreadsheet. So the first three are already sponsored. Genius. Go ahead. Now we're taking the...

We're taking the blame. Yes, and it's now a funny thing. They go, what the fuck? I'm sending all the porn, by the way. No, I'm just kidding. Actually, I like that, too. They get to pick the muffin. Yes, whoever. Now, question, Matt. Does the person sponsoring, do they do everything or do they just venue you the money, but you're still the muffin man who goes against it? Yeah, right. Are you still logistically handling it? Because it's a different animal that somebody's got to go pick it up. I think I like that. Matt, are you comfortable still being the muffin man...

But somebody else is just greasing the wheels. So you're going to go pick up the muffins. Buttering the muffins. Yes. So on the thing, you're putting your Venmo and you're saying the muffins per week cost 40 bucks.

sponsored this week by Bobby the next week by Jake the third week by we're hit up we have a spreadsheet we need to sign up for it all I need is the money whenever but I will pick up the muffins I'll get the muffins you remember this week is what you said about the tarantula that just happened with the muffin yeah yeah just now that's where I was like this is a lot of muffins a lot of muffins we've said muffin a lot of times what do you think of that my man

I think that's a great idea. Let's do it. Do you want to start putting the email together? You want to write it on your own and send it back to us? How do you want to do it?

Um, yeah, if you guys want to pitch something, I could kind of write it down and then send it to you guys and then, yeah, and then send it out to the company. Do we want to do a really quick verbal what that email looks like? Or do we want to just do a quick video to tack on the end to talk about how we're going to be the first three sponsors right here? Okay, so Matt, is there an ability on your phone to send a video if we send it to you?

Uh, yeah, no, I, I think I can do that. Yeah. Okay, great. So what, and your real name is Matt. Yes. It is my real name. Okay. And the name of the company, well, actually we don't need that. Okay. Yeah. So we are going to talk to camera. Yeah. You're going to put together some, this'll be at the end of the email. Yes. Or however you want to do it, my man. Okay.

But yes, it's going to be, you're going to send something out with this. I think it's, yeah. Just for the, I think we could say we're excited to be involved in the Matt Muffin Man project. Let's also, yeah, let's pitch it a little bit too so they get what's happening. Yeah, okay. All right, we all set? Yeah. All right, Matt, if you want to chime in too, feel free. Okay, yeah, go ahead. Three. Bobby, you want to start us? Yeah, how would you like me to just? No, no, no. Three, two. Hi. Hi.

Matt's colleagues, my name is Bobby Moynihan. My name is Jake Johnson. Hi, I'm Garrett Reynolds.

And we have something we'd like to talk to you about. Yeah. That's become an issue for our friend Matt, but it's something you guys have all benefited from, but so has Matt. Well, look, we all love Muffin Monday. I mean, it's a reason to go into work. It's awesome. It's great. It's just the financials of it are not adding up long term. Yeah. And this is not something Matt's mad about. He's just feeling at the end of the road, he's going to have to stop doing something he loves. And that you love.

So we decided to jump in with an idea. Bobby, you want to jump in and say what you first said? I want to say that being the Muffin Man is hard. Yeah. Being the Muffin Man is a responsibility of joy and muffinry. Yeah. And the only problem with being the Muffin Man is the financial responsibility. Yeah.

Which is why you have offered to start a new trend. I want to be the muffin man. Nope. What? I want to be the muffin man for a week. Yeah. And how would you do that?

I'm buying the muffins this week, guys. What? And then wait a second. So you would Venmo Matt something like 40 bucks and then he'll pick up the muffins? I'll Venmo it. I'll cash app. I'll do whatever app he wants. You know what, Bobby? I'm going to do it the second week. I would love to sponsor at this company. Can I just say something? Don't you feel great right now? You're the muffin man? I feel like the muffin man, yes. And let me jump in. The third week, someone else is going to do it.

Garrett. And that person, Garrett might do it. And that's not my name. So what we're looking for for this, for you guys as a company, is to, we're going to send out a spreadsheet and we need people to sign up for the week that you are sponsoring like a section of Highway the Muffin. The week that you...

What? Get to be the muffin man in here. And Matt has said, because he's a great guy, he'll pick up the muffins. He'll bring the muffins. He'll do all the muffin stuff, but it will be sponsored by you. So what do you say, everybody? Can we fill this Excels spreadsheet up? Can we all be the muffin man for once? Hey, without the muffin man, we'll have a nothing man.

Hey, Matt, what do you think, buddy? I think that's a terrific idea. Thank you, everybody. I really appreciate it. So now here's what we need from you, my friend. Muffins. We need no hope. We need a photo of the screen grab of this being set and some of the responses. Yep. And your feet. Yeah. And then send your Venmo or whatever to Kevin and we're going to sponsor the first couple. Yep.

Okay, you got it. Thanks, buddy. Great call. All right, Matt. Good luck, Muffin Man. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Big fans. Love you guys. Love you, too. Thank you. Bye, buddy. Big fans of you, Muffin Man. Huge fans.

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Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. That's what we say here, Bobby. You've got, well, first of all, can we get your name, age, where you're calling from? And then I'll tell you the great news. My name is Sarah, and I am 22, calling from the Chicagoland area. We got to do it. We're in Chicago. Ugh.

I am from like right outside of like the suburbs area. I go to college at Elmhurst University. Oh, Elmhurst, of course. And how are we feeling about Caleb Williams? All right. We got to get to the call, Sarah. Thanks so much, Jake. Well, Sarah, listen, you got Jake who's obviously ready to meander. You've got me. But we actually have a guest helper this week. We're very excited. You know him. You love him. He loves the Chicagoland area. Yeah.

Welcome to the show. To help you, Sarah, Bobby Moynihan. Keep it going. Wow. I gotta say, SNL's drunk uncle, which was just a banger of a character. Thanks, man. Just a banger. That's what Lauren used to say. You really? Such a banger. Bobby got a banger. Oh my god, did you see that? Bobby just got a banger. Bobby's got a banger. Alright, Sarah, what can we do for you today? What is the problemo? Alright.

All right. Well, I have a neighbor who loves chainsaws. Wow. What a crazy start. This is the best show ever. Okay. Okay. That's not great. So about a year ago, we got new neighbors, and we've been really lucky with fantastic neighbors. Not anymore. But they're interesting. They had weird quirks. They were kind of abrasive. They did weird stuff. But then they became obnoxious.

The new neighbors were kind of weird, kind of abrasive, and then they did weird stuff.

Yes. All right, walk us through it. So last summer, this log appears in the front yard, and it's like a huge, like, it looked like a tree, but, like, they took the top and the bottom off. It was insane. Yeah, a lot. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were like, okay, maybe new lawn decoration. This is a bit odd. But then they proceeded to get out a janky, and I swear, unsharpened chainsaw. And for hours this summer, like, would hack at.

Just going to town on this log would make zero progress. It would be like two hours and I swear the chainsaw wouldn't have moved. When you say when. OK, huge log. And what is the setup here? Like they are like, are you in a house or in an apartment complex? What is the sort of setup? House house. So it's like a suburban neighborhood. It's not like a farmhouse.

Like a farm. It's like a classic. In their yard, they have an enormous log that they're just chipping away with a chainsaw that's unsharpened, potentially. So they have a weak chainsaw. They're going two hours a day. Then what? I would say more. More than two hours. So yeah, so that was last summer. Now it's this summer. And they got a new shipment. I sent you guys a picture in the email. A new shipment of logs? It's a pile of logs.

it's a pile of logs okay so what we're seeing is yeah you're not lying those are just logs oh yeah probably 16 logs it's insane yeah okay and it appeared overnight i don't know where those are stereotypical logs yeah those are logs those are logs so they got about 16 logs now are they sculptors are they wood sculptors

Because what they might be making like bears and raccoons out of those logs. Is there a giant fireplace in their house? That's what I wonder. Do they have a sauna?

It was sauna. No, no. So we did ask them about it. We tried talking to them. What a great ask. It's loud. It's disruptive. And sawdust was like getting on our cars. It was all over our porch. Our porch furniture was covered in sawdust. So we asked them about it. And apparently like their side hustle is making like those like log slab things that like you make tables out of. Oh, right. I understand. But they're using a chainsaw to do it. They don't have like a table saw. Yeah, right.

I don't know. Okay. So basically what's happening when you say weird neighbors, give us an age and a vibe, but we talk in 70 and ponytails. We talk in 25 and tattoos. I'm picturing. We are talking. A crazy person. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm picturing me. I am as well. I am. I'm picturing me and my wife being like, it's pretty cool. It's a midlife issue. I don't know why. This is going to sound absolutely insane. I pictured like a young sloth from Magoonies. That's what I pictured. You're not Carl.

Okay, so Jake with a little bit of work. Yeah, exactly. So Sarah, walk us through. Who are these people? Okay, so it's a husband and wife, and then they have about like a four-year-old son. Interesting. And yeah, they look kind of like people that like would go to bullfights and rodeos is the best way I can describe them. They got a little bit of a country vibe to them in Chicagoland era, Elmar's zone.

Yeah, yeah, which, yeah, isn't common for this area. Right, but what they need is land. They do. Because this is very normal if you got two and a half acres. Yep. And by one of your weird barns, you're doing something weird with logs. Absolutely. It's less cool in suburbia. Yeah, that's a backyard activity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd fully support it as a hobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just not suburbia. Yes. And a cleanup regimen. Yeah, they need a system. They need a tent. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What, uh...

What do you like as far as their vibe? Do you like them or are you able to communicate with them? She said abrasive and weird at the beginning. So it's like not good at all. Yeah. They don't like us. You don't, they don't like you. And they have a backyard. They do. No, they have a backyard, a huge backyard. This is going to be hard to pitch on because here's what we got to be careful of. Now that we've been doing this for a little bit, we're not going to pitch you too crazy. And I'll tell you why we don't want to put you in a bad spot because you might be dealing with a little bit of trouble.

Now, we are going to pitch you, but just as a disclaimer at the beginning, there's a great old saying, and that is don't shit where you eat. And you are neighbors. You are. Are you renting or do you own?

Oh, and yeah, that's a tough spot that we're in. Like, we don't want to like make. Yeah. So we while we pitch, guys, we have to think about how do we make this weird cowboy guy not get mad, but just understand it's a little weird. So there's a back. I agree. I agree. It's a hard one. It's a fine line. Yes. Now they have a backyard. They don't do this at all in the backyard. They do this on the front yard.

Yeah. They probably have like a kid's toy stuff in the backyard. They don't want sawdust all over it. Well, yeah, I mean, I get it. I get that problem. So, Sarah, what is the specific question? I think we have a pretty clean setup here. Yeah. So the question, I mean, ideal situation, I would love for him to not do it. I don't think that's going to happen. I don't know if it could maybe be lessened, if it could be a little bit less obnoxious. But yeah, I guess like ideally I'd love it to not.

like stop yes it's probably not gonna stop you got other neighbors uh on the other side of this these people so yeah there's like i would say there's one across the street and then there's like two other houses how are they feeling about this i don't they don't yeah do you have like teammates in this i mean i we could maybe make teammates i feel like we the neighbors across the street

We have like have an OK relationship and the ones down the street are pretty new. Like we don't know them super well. Question for you, Sarah. What time of day is this chainsaw happening? Do you have kids? What's the what's the world of noise? Are we talking at noon? Are we talking 6 a.m.? Where are we at here?

It's always like weekdays and it's usually like 7 p.m. sometimes to like 9 p.m. Right when you want to zone out, watch a little TV and eat spaghetti. Yeah.

Super specific. I haven't had breakfast. I know, but for spaghetti to be the first thing you think of. I'm talking Chicagoland area. I want a pop. Everybody sits down at 8 p.m., watches the Cosby Show, and has spaghetti. You can't be cutting wood right now. With a big thing of white bread and a slab of butter. I go a glass of milk. I'm so hungry.

I'm starving. I would eat all of that right now. And whoever made the garlic bread, I'd be like, thank you so much to somebody else's grandma. Thank you, Nana. We lost the plot a little bit over here, but we're going to get back on track. Jake obviously is having some dietary issues. I think you should dress up in a costume. As a meatball.

And let Jake eat you. Okay, so it's at night. It's 7 at night, which means he's got another job during the day. So saying, can you do it during the day? It's just not going to work. Going to his house saying it's a little bit of much. He's going to go, okay. How much of your problem gets resolved? Noise-wise, nothing. But if he moves to the backyard? I mean, at least it would get rid of the sawdust problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it all sucks. So...

The idea of the beginning of the pitch, it's a little bit of a weird one, but I think we could get there. Well, you've got to pick a line because I think to your point, right, you don't want to cause... You don't want trouble. However, if you want to go...

a weird route you can't engage prior. Like, let's say you want to get a couple other neighbors on board and maybe there's a noise complaint at some time. You don't want to be associated with that in any way. No way. So if we want to go that route, anonymous potential. Yeah. You want it. You don't want to say anything up front. So what do you think about that? Just as a light nuclear pitch? I think that's a

solid idea. You're talking, the pitch is bringing neighbors involved? The pitch is talk to the neighbors, create a little bit of murky the waters a little bit, and then when they get crazy and it's 9.30 p.m. and they're fucking chainsawing logs in the backyard, you call the cops or you post on Nextdoor or you do some version of it.

This is the idea of, you know, starting a coup. Yes. Right. Well, it's it's yeah, it's an uprising. It's an uprising. It's January 6th. Yeah. See you later, Bobby. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. You're viewing the chainsaw neighbor as the king. The king hasn't been great. And the people slowly start going around the castle saying like, it's spaghetti time. Let us live. What do you think of these taxes?

You like them? Because I don't. Yeah. Right? That's a move. I'm going to pitch something a little bit different. I would consider going there and saying, I come with a flower or something nice and saying, I've got something in two parts for you. A single rose? A single rose and saying- I choose you. One-

I would love to buy a table from you. Okay. Two. Wow. I'm begging you to move your operation in your backyard because the sawdust is coming all over our porch and into our house. I have bad allergies and the dust is really triggering them or I have asthma.

Sometimes a little lie goes a long way, but my asthma is getting really bad. And I just saw a doctor and they said, is there sawdust? Is anyone next to you cutting wood? Yes. Are you making niche tables? And with that in mind, so it's not aggressive, you could say, the last thing I'm doing is asking you to stop doing what you're doing. With that in mind, I'd like to purchase a goddamn table, Frank. That's a genius move. But...

Could you do me a favor and move it to the backyard? That's the move. Volunteer your husband to help move the logs with him so that it's a community. We are friends. So that he could start texting. We have a neighbor for a little bit near a cabin we had where the guy was partying a lot.

And I wasn't going out there a lot, but when I'd go up there with my kids, we couldn't leave the windows open because he was partying. So we just started texting. I'd be like, next weekend we're going to be up there. And he'd go, great, I'll be gone by this. And we just communicated. So if I'm not there, party your balls off. Is it every night they're doing the wood? So, yeah. So last summer, I would say it wasn't every night, but it was like almost every weeknight. Like it was awesome. Yeah.

Because the chainsaw was so bad. And this has been going on for how long? This was last summer and then now this summer. And they're still doing it. And that was only one log and now they have so many more logs. What do you think about the idea of buying a table asking for backyard? Is that a reality?

I think that's a solid plan. I don't know if I want to buy a table from them. I really love that doctor's pitch. I just don't know what I'd do with a table. Okay, so then there's the doctor, the lie. Then there's another thing. I got another one. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Mine is not going to happen. I think I have one. Go ahead, Bobby.

I find with neighbors and stuff, it's good to get a note or something because you get to process everything on your own time. Being confronted at a door is a very scary thing, especially to your home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you could also get a door slam, get anything. So I think you write a note that just says, maybe even, like I was going to say this, like a note that says, hey,

We've heard or something even like we see your business is doing great. You seem to be, you know, getting more to our tables made. Congratulations. Yeah. The neighbors in the community were wondering if you could bring it maybe to the backyard or just let us know when you're going to start.

So that we can take, like maybe we can put a tarp up or something, because I don't know if you know this, but you are, the sawdust is getting all over our stuff. Are you saying? So we are willing to, you know, I didn't know if you knew this, so we're coming to tell you this. So we can put up a tarp, let us know when you start and we'll like, you know, we'll take precaution or...

If it's easier for you, could you bring it to the backyard? We'll all help you. We're so happy for you. Congratulations. You don't have to buy a table. Also, here's a couple cans of WD-40 because your chainsaw is stupid. So a note's an interesting idea, especially if it's nice. Are we signing the note or is this anonymous from the neighborhood? Sorry, sorry, sorry. The most important thing in my mind is you sign it from like,

From the neighbors in your community. I like that a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yep. I would put something on there just because, me specifically, I would say on there, if there's anything you want to discuss and put a direct line so it's not like, it's like, I'm not afraid of you.

Because here's all our emails. I don't know if you go that far. But if you want to talk, I didn't we didn't want to confront you. We didn't want to make you uncomfortable. If you want to talk, I'm happy to do it face to face and come up with a solution here. I think I think maybe what you do is the first part of Bobby's pitch. I like that. Yeah, it's the neighbors. This is an unsigned note just from the community. I would say there's sawdust is kind of spreading throughout the area a little bit. Can we move it to the back?

Maybe even include pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Keep an eye on it for a week. If they don't stop, that's when you can maybe go over...

and have the follow-up conversation with a little more specificity. There's also another one that's a little bit wilder. Steal the lugs. Well, he could also just get new ones. Then it could get really crazy. But you could pull around and ask, and you could just buy him a new chainsaw. Chainsaw's going to cost you under $200. Just leave it on their lawn. Just leave it on their lawn and say, Here's your backyard chainsaw. Only to be used in the backyard, or we take it back. Yeah.

Oh, this is not yours. This is a rental. This belongs to the community. This belongs to the community. The front yard is killing us. And it's anonymous. So that he goes, fuck these people. Then he goes, it was nice. They got me a new chance. And then in the back of his head, he goes,

The other chainsaw was pretty loud. Yeah, it was pretty nuts that I was doing that. Boy, what a problem. Yeah. Is there a way to program a chainsaw to only work between two or three? AI chainsaws of the future? Yeah, get the quiet hours chainsaw. It's on a lock in the community and someone comes and unlocks it. Wait, did you flip the respect switch? We'll have the muffin man come on. So, Sarah, here's where we're kind of at with you. The idea of creating a community, talking to neighbors...

The idea of letting him know that you went to a doctor, the lie that your asthma is really bad is real. And I would say, don't talk to him. Talk to his wife. And you go to the wife and you say like, hey, bring cookies and go.

Just wondering if you guys could help with this. I got asthma. My doctor said bring cookies with sawdust. Sorry, I made him last night and that it's getting bad and that you guys can help me a lot. If you moved into the backyard three by a new chainsaw for leave a note from the community saying we're very happy. Business is good. We are asking if you're willing to move it to the backyard because the sawdust is kind of getting all over our stuff.

Uh, we don't want to, this isn't us saying stop. We understand you're making money and we're happy for you, but could you do us that favor? Here's our emails are willing to work with you, willing to work with you. Where are you feeling, Sarah? Where are you at here?

Well, first off, there's some amazing pitches and I kind of like a like a combination of them. I definitely think like step one is maybe band the neighbors together. OK. Be where their head is at, because then it's not just us that are, you know, upset by this. OK. And then like I think step two, I like to know. Yeah. OK. You like so you like the note. OK. So your first step is you're going to talk to the neighbors.

then you're going to have a draft of a note that everybody co-signs on. Yeah, I like that. I like the idea of everyone co-signing the note, asking them to move it to the backyard. Okay. I might even throw in there, maybe not buying them a chainsaw, but like, here's this really cool chainsaw I looked up and it's electric and it's really quiet and maybe you should buy it. Cool.

Cool. Okay. You know, I got to say, be careful. That one's a little. Be careful with tone. If you're going to do that, make the note. Just cut out letters from a magazine when you put the note together. Make it seem very threatening and murderous. Because the only thing I'm going to say is you're going down a path. This is a fine line. You're walking on a little spaghetti noodle here. Okay. Jesus Christ. Just have pasta. Well, I mean, what is this? We started early today.

I had to rush out of the house. And I got here way too early. What you have here is a penne problem. You're looking at a situation where you're living on a ravioli, but you don't want it anymore. So just be careful, okay? This could become a spicy ribbiata if you're not careful. Absolutely, yeah. For sure, man.

Fair point. Fair point. But so the idea of the chainsaw is a maybe, but I think you got to be more cool with them. If you're banded together behind their back, fine. If you write a note, fine. Keep it really nice. Very clear. We're all happy for you. We're happy to do this face to face, but we didn't want to confront you and make you get on the defensive. We're just asking you to move to the backyard. Yep.

Because the noise is pretty intense and the sawdust is extremely intense. And we all think that this would help the situation for all of us. But you do it at respectful hours. Seven to nine is not insane. So, you know, obviously, and the police won't back you up if they want to do it from seven to nine, they can. So, yeah. What else do you think, Sarah? What else are you going to do?

I mean, yeah, no, I think, I think you're definitely on the right angle. I think I want to be like as polite as possible. I think I'll like let them know, like, yeah, if you want to talk in person, we're happy. Or kind of like you said, maybe it's like things don't change because of the note. Maybe just try to bring it up nicely. I think that's right. And I have a suggestion too about the buying the table thing. I think the buying the table thing is a really smart thing. Maybe some people aren't in, uh, maybe they don't want a table. Maybe they don't want to buy a table, but yeah,

But I think saying this sentence, and who knows, maybe if you bring it in the backyard, we would be inclined to buy some tables. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like incentive. A little bribery. If you do it, maybe we would, you know, also we like you enough that we could maybe buy one. Yeah. Or maybe it would help. I like the warmth of that. I like the zone of it as that crazy guy with the chainsaw. I'm a little triggered by that. Okay. Because then I go.

I do enough on Etsy, man. I don't need your money. I'll take that. It's very lucky that we have a psycho. Different POVs. Yes. No, no, no. Young Swap. We have a psychopath in the room. Yeah. Because I would go, if I got that, they go, maybe I'll buy it. I'll go.

I sold 16 tables in the last quarter on Etsy. I don't need you. You know what? I don't need your money. I don't need your money. I don't need anything. I'm fine. I'm fine. Scratch that. I apologize. But the idea of kindness, openness, we might purchase, we're into you and your business. Just put all the pressure on them. If there's an asshole, it's them. It's not this community of suburbanites. I think that's right. Sarah, what are you going to do? Walk us through the end of this, how you're going to do it, what you're going to do, then we're going to send you off with good luck.

I think it's a solid plan. I think I'm going to do that. I'm going to talk to some people, put a really, really nice letter together, you know, to be like from one artist to another. I really appreciate your work. It looks really cool when it's done. But yeah, just politely say, like, if you could move it to the backyard, I think we'd all really appreciate.

From one artist to another is fantastic. And also, your work looks really good. And also, when you said back was the first time you sounded like you were from the Chicagoland area. Yeah. So we believe you now. You held it together until the very end. Way to go. You were like, yeah, I'm from the Chicagoland area. From the backyard, I mean. That's real big. Sarah, we appreciate the call. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Yeah, be smooth on this one. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Sarah. Appreciate you.

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Hi, can you hear me? Hi, yes. Can you hear us? Yeah, I can hear you just fine. How are you? I'm great. Then we have a podcast. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake and Gareth, and we have Kevin Bartelt on the ones and twos. He's an espresso man. A.K.A. Kevin Bartlet. Bartlet, hunk of the show, dropping LBs. A.K.A. the wrong way to pronounce it. Looking good, either way. Mr. Bartlet. Mr. Bartlet.

Doesn't follow us on Instagram. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, my name is Matt. I'm actually calling from Phoenix, Arizona. I'm actually following up on a previous call I had with you guys, I believe, a couple weeks ago. Why don't you remind us what the original one was?

I think I called you guys about a little financial problem I was having under the moniker of Muffin Man. Do you guys remember that? Yes, of course we remember the Muffin Man. Muffin Man with Bobby Moynihan. Yeah, you were... That's right. You bought people muffins at work, but you didn't want to do it all the time. Is that correct? Yes, that's 100% correct. Okay, so what's the update?

Um, well, the pitch was that, uh, Bobby and you guys kind of, uh, set up like kind of a, uh, a little, uh, PSA where you, uh, all kind of stepped in and said, you know, my, that's how I felt. Right. We sent a video. Yeah. So, um, it was that little video that I was able to, uh, to show some, uh, coworkers over here on my end and they just absolutely got a kick out of it. Great. Um,

And it actually ended up going well to a point where a lot of people started participating. The Teams chat kind of turned into the muffin men, plural for men. So it turned out very well, you know, and it became such a huge hit. It became more than things like muffins, pastries, cookies, just kind of whatever people kind of thought. But it kind of turned into a new problem.

where now I've kind of lost the nickname of Muffin Man. I'm no longer Muffin Man. I'm just one of the Muffin Men. You got to cool it. You are looking for problems. No way, Gareth. We're not going down this road. Hey, we're on his team, aren't we? Yeah, I guess so. All right, listen. All right. Okay, so to condense it, the moniker that you grew to hate used

You now kind of miss a little bit. It kind of separated you from the pack a little bit, huh? Yeah, we kind of spoke about that last time. It's really the finance issue that was the thing I was primarily having a problem with. But I was kind of starting to dig the nickname. And now I'm just, you know, I'm just one of a dozen, you know? You can't make omelets without cracking a few eggs.

It's true. I'm not sure what it means now, but it's true. It means you fixed a problem, but something broke. You're not the muffin man. You're just one of the muffin men. Look, I love the co-op and that's great, but

But I think there is something you did have a month. Look, even if you watch The Grateful Dead, you know, Jerry Garcia is the leader. Do you feel like nobody knows you're the guy who started the fire? Yeah, because guys like Eric Edelstein are going to John Mayer shows and calling him The Grateful Dead now. Come on.

And that's what happened. A bunch of people who just like John Mayer are like, I'm a dead head. And Jerry Garcia's in you being like, well, there was a thing that started in the late sixties in San Francisco. And they go like, I love your bodies of wonderland. So, but, but guess what? You want to keep touring as the dead and have a bunch of people in tie dyes getting high. You're going to crack a few eggs, but you will have an omelet, but you're not the muffin man.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a bummer. Listen. But also, we can't random a little bit. But this was such a win. It is a win. Take the win. You wanted to save money. We made a video. It worked. This is not a sad call. It's not a sad call. This is a good call. Jake, we're all happy. No, he's sad. He's sad. Listen to his tone. Muffin Matt, tell him that you're not sad. You're happy. We helped you.

Yeah, I'm not at all. Your guys's pitch worked flawlessly. This is a tiny, minute problem. How are you deciding who's going to bring in the pastries for the next week? It's kind of a discussion over over the team's chat. The muffin man, the team's chat. Yeah. Is that email or is that a group text? It's it's kind of like a kind of a group directory through Microsoft Teams. So, OK, so here's what we're doing. Here's what we're doing, muffin man.

We're signing off on our emails now. Muffin Man or OG Muffin Man?

Okay. And we're taking the power back a little bit. Oh, that's interesting. I have a pitch too, Matt. Do you, what's the work attire? Is it like business casual, like collared shirts and slacks and stuff? Yeah, it's a, it's collared shirt and ties. I think actually Bobby Moynihan stated he wanted me to walk in with like a muffin man outfit, like a mascot. And I just couldn't, I couldn't pull that off.

I'll make you a deal, which is my wife is a professional embroiderer. If you can ship me a shirt, I can have her embroider on it. Muffin man, Matt, and like a pocket chest pocket, nothing like over the top, but just like a subtle reminder to people like who started this. Yeah, that's a great solution. Just something you could wear every couple of weeks or something. Yeah. Would you do that? And would you wear it every couple of weeks on the Muffin Mondays? Yeah.

Absolutely. You know what? I think that's a great idea. Let's get out with a win. Let's get out with a win. Just one more thing. Oh, no! Go ahead, Garrett. No, I got nothing. Other people want the shirts now. Well, I wore it, but then everybody... Stop it. When I win, I'm the...

I think we made a big ordeal about how we were going to cover some of these muffin pastry expenses. So email us your Venmo, too, because I think it's a bad look for like we got the next one and then we never talked to you again. So email us your Venmo.

And we'll we'll cover the next round. I believe Bobby and Jake both promised. I think that's true. I walked away because you got my name wrong. So I'm going to stick in my zone. But Jake and Bobby definitely. Gareth, you know, it's coming from the bank account, which I run. Right. This is such bullshit. All right. You get my thank you for the call. See you, buddy.

Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This next segment is an edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended conversation as well as early access to episodes, you can go to patreon.com slash here to help pod. Enjoy. Well, that's it, Bobby.

That's wonderful. I want to know how both of those go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The follow-ups are the best part. Yeah, they are. But how was the Seinfeld movie? It was great. It was insane. It's so fun and silly, and I just saw it again the other night with a crowd, and it's...

I don't think there's a movie has been made like this in a long time. It's like Cannonball Run. It's just like. Yeah. Fun and crazy. Jerry had a joke about a Pop-Tart in the 70s. Made a whole movie. And I think the story was during the pandemic. He's like, I just want to make something fun. Like, I just want to make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to laugh for an hour, like, you know, hour and a half of just silly laughter. And that's what it is. It's very. And what was he like as a director?

uh it's his first time i feel like it's his first time it's jerry seinfeld he does whatever he wants like it was it was that part was freeing because it was like no other movie ever because it was a lot of talking about the jokes themselves and then like someone would come up with a joke and he'd be like well we're gonna do that so we'll take an hour break to get that like and it was like that doesn't happen on regular movie sets like it was just like it was very everything was the joke

Yeah. In the moment, whatever Jerry was like, it was like lots of conversations and then shooting. It was fascinating. And as a guy, as a guy like you, who's an improviser. Yeah. So you are one of the best at in the moment coming up with, was that there at all? No, no,

No improv whatsoever. I speak Italian throughout the whole movie. No way. So I couldn't improvise. Or if I did, I would have to, I was doing Duolingo. So like if I did, there's, I have hundreds of pictures of Jerry showing me a phone because like he would be like, oh, wouldn't it be funny if you said this? And I'd be like, okay, hold on, hold on.

second and like I would have to do it on I would just go hey Siri how do you say I'm a big weirdo in Italian and then like I would literally repeat it three times and they'd go action and I would do it are you kidding me yeah it was nuts do you speak Italian no so you did it all your performance in this was basically sounds everything I have done in comedy is 32% Italian I feel like it's like any no matter what it seeps in somehow so it was just the mustache of a bunch of

It was just... Yeah, no, it was... I'm speaking Italian. It was. That was hard. Yes, man. Because wanting to improvise with Tom Lennon. Yes. And Jerry's in a big comedy, and you're like, I can flex right here and have so much fun. Yeah, but...

also jerry wrote this and stuff there was not a lot of improvising interesting because he i would say almost none so he's a stand-up he knew what he wanted but if you pitched a joke and he liked when we were just talking like not like while we were shooting and he liked it he was like that's in that's like he was very like wow i improvised during a thing i had a line where i said uh-oh and i'm chef boyardee and i just went uh-oh spaghettios and like he was like well

we'll put that in there, right? Like it was very like that. It was interesting. Will you walk me through just because whenever we've seen each other, it's been at like little festivals or little things where we hug and say hi. Will you walk me through how you got SNL? What that process for you? Because I knew you were killing it.

I knew you were on a bunch of teams. I knew you were doing like Conan bits. We were on, we were on, we met, we were in like a class together and then we got put on a team together and we hung out a bunch. And then the next thing I remember was like, Jake's going to LA to write a movie about Einstein or something like that. And I was like, Oh my God. Like I literally remember being like, yeah, I'm quitting my job. If he can do it, we can do it guys. Yes. Cause

Because that was literally like a catalyst of like going like, I think I'm going to quit bartending and just try and do UCB. Interesting. Oh, yeah. 100%. What was your Einstein movie? So I had a movie about Albert Einstein's first wife who there's theories that I read that she was actually a big part of all his big ideas. But because of the time as a female, she didn't get any credits.

So I got a Sloan Science Fellowship. So I got paid a nice chunk of change to write that movie. But it was right at that era when we all had day jobs. We were all performing. We weren't getting paid. And so I started finding ways like, I got to start getting paid for it. And also, I didn't have a commercial agent. I had nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then...

SNL kind of reaches out and says you're willing to audition. It was Shoemaker. I think I was doing tours with Horatio Sands. I was doing the Improv Kings of Comedy tour. Horatio's improv shows. Mike Shoemaker saw that and then he came to Buffoons and I was doing Ascat with Seth and Amy. I was around them a lot. Totally.

I was just like, I think I remember getting a call saying like, you're on the radar. Do you want to send in a tape? And being like, no, I'm not ready yet. Because I had heard stories of people who sent it in a year too early or something. So I waited a little bit. So you said no. I didn't say no. You said give me some time. I just stalled for a couple months. And then...

Got like a thing together, sent it in. I got called in to audition the first time I auditioned. It was in Conan's studio, I think.

Got called in. It was me, Jordan Peele, and Donald Glover. No! Are they working? Are they okay? I haven't heard of them. So that's the three. It was the three of us. What a group. I don't know what I'm... I think Jordan got it and wasn't allowed to do it because of a mad TV contract. I don't know if that's... It was nuts. It was nuts. Yeah, it was a crazy time. He's so good at guys. Then three days later, the writer's strike happened.

Oh, so you did the audition. You crushed it. Yes. Well, hopefully. Yeah. Got brought in. And you knew you were... Met with Lorne. How nervous were you? Terrified. Terrified. Out of body experience. Yes. Numb. Buzzing. I'd be gone. Driving home on the subway, like looking at people going like, do they know I was just sitting next to Lorne Michaels? Do they know? And you don't get a lot of... This is not a joke. This is not a joke. I went to the deli and he was like, what can I get you? I was like, I'm going to audition for Saturday Night Live. Can I have water?

Just crazy person. Lunatic. Literally out of 100 videos of me in a suit at nine years old with my mom going, Bobby, come on in, and me coming out of the bathroom waving. So that, when you're walking into the audition, is... Because the other side of it is while you're in it, it's not...

It was crazy. It's not predetermined. You could screw it up right now. Oh, yeah. You could also screw it up at any day throughout your nine years on the show. So the anxiety never stopped. No, never. Still. Still. Interesting. It's still in your body. I still have SNL nightmares constantly. I'm on the FDR. I'm not going to make it, and I get out and start running. Oh, because every week you have everything. I still have those constantly. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It never ends. But yeah, got auditioned for the show, thought it was going well. Literally, I think he said the sentence to me, I think we'll start you with Brian Williams. And I didn't know what he meant at the time. I was like, Brian Williams? Yeah.

And then Brian Williams was like, and then announced as a host and like soon. And I was like, what? And then it was the writer's strike. No, or it was something about like, I remember this thing of going like, I think he just told me I got it. But then I went into nine months or whatever, how long that writer's strike was of just

complete radio silence nobody actually gave you an official never wow that's so uh and then nine months later you know after the writer's strike it ends oh they hired uh casey will they were like we're gonna hire casey wilson instead and you know case yeah yeah casey was always around i don't even remember yeah i don't even remember the timeline anymore all i remember was i got a phone call out of nowhere saying could you come back in next week and i was like yeah for another audition later i was on the

Wow. Yeah. And at what point was it? Because from the outside, it felt like I was really happy when you got it. It did feel like, holy shit, I didn't realize the kind of people I knew are going to break through to that. And I went like, wow, Bobby. Absolutely. Everything changed. Almost overnight. It's a very different thing. Well, it's not like, I mean, like this is going to, I feel like, I don't know if I've ever said this out loud.

It feels like getting on the Yankees. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it feels like something different. Yes. Like then like, oh, he got a job or a movie or a TV show or something like that. It felt very different and people definitely started treating me differently and I felt scared.

When we around the people I felt used to feel normal when we got drunk together way back in the day, we were driving in the back of some cab. And it's funny you said the Yankees, because it's one of the things I remember is you were breaking our team down and our group down. If we were Yankees, like who was who on the Yankees?

Where you used to, the way your brain used to work. One of my favorite things to do is Yankees and Muppets. But you had, I remember sitting there and I'm like, oh, Bobby's a really smart guy. Because you had everybody like where you fit in the world of this scene is if you were a Yankee.

Yeah, I still agree. It's like that's like an improv team. You got to have your shortstop. You got to have your outfit, your picture. You know what I mean? You got to have someone who edits well. But so you get it and you still were part of the improv scene. You were still doing that. But the whole world changed for you then once you're on that show.

yeah for looking back now i i it's funny now like therapy a couple years out two kids completely different human yeah don't used to talk about it every single day you did 12 years and now hardly talk about it so when i do talk about it it

I used to have a lot of stock things to say, and now all of those have changed. A lot of things have changed about my feelings from that. But like, it's great now, 'cause then it was mostly anxiety, and now it's mostly like, I can't, I had no clue what was happening to me for 10 years. And I feel like, you feel like when you get a job like that, you're like, I did it, it starts now. And like, part of me realizes it started the second I left.

Like, you know what I mean? I do. It's like the second I walked out that door, I went like, oh! That was a...

That was crazy. Silly little kid for 10 years. I wish I had done that a tiny bit differently. I had a meeting with Chris Elliott, who I'm a huge fan of. And I was just recently, we were on a zoom and I was just kind of geeking out. And I was like, man, your work on Letterman was so fun. And he goes, I don't really remember any of that. And I was like, that's actually how it is when you get, cause I had that with new girl with my version of that, but we didn't know it was the Yankees. We were just like, got a TV show that all of a sudden everybody saw. And I was like,

Oh, I can't believe I'm not grinding on the outside, which is a role I'm very used to. And I really thought it was always going to be other people are getting the jobs and I get the hate from the side a little bit and work really hard. But now I'm on the show, like it or not, everybody knows it. And then your head spins and you're traveling and you're doing press and you're doing this and you're doing this and then other projects come and then it stops and

And you go, now I can actually process what the fuck happened. Cause that was weird. Yeah. You realize like back to that first meeting and those first things. And like, I thought I was so funny at that audition, but like, I think 50% of it was like, I think he could handle the insane. Wow. Absolutely insane pressure of what's about to happen to him. Do you like that was half, half,

You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I think this is a, like, I, yeah. He can survive the pressure cooker. Or, like, I wouldn't mind seeing him at 2 o'clock in the morning in the hallway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think, like, I don't think he'll go crazy. Like, I think he might be fun. I think, like, maybe even if we invite him to one of the dinners three years in, it would be interesting. Like, the reality of those thoughts rather than, like,

Gosh, that impression of Jack Black was... You know, like... The reality of what was really happening rather than the sweetheart Bobby who always wanted to be on SNL. Yeah, I would say... I just look at every conversation I ever had with, like, Andy Samberg or Fred in that first year and I'm like...

I wish I could go back and not be a super fan or not be a scared child and just be like, I wish somebody had told me this is the first step. You got the job. You're on SNL. You did it, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now enjoy it. Have fun and learn how to produce these sketches. Learn how to do all that stuff because this is the number one school in comedy. Right. So learn how to do all of that stuff.

And don't worry about writing the next Kristen Wiig character or the next Hans and Franz. Don't worry about that because that happens when you're having...

fun there right so take the pressure at three o'clock in the morning when you look at somebody and you go has there ever been a halloween like santa claus and they go like what if it's like david pumpkins just like a dude you know and then cut to you're seeing kids dressed up as them at halloween and you're like totally that dumb thing like

That was the craziness about it. Kenan showed me, it was my eighth episode, Kenan showed me the Beyonce video for Single Ladies on a Monday, and the next Monday, I opened Entertainment Weekly, and it was me, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, and Andy in that thing, and I just remember being like, what a weird power to wield. Totally. Yeah.

I used to go into work and go, I want to dress up as Buzz Lightyear this week. And then I would have a full Buzz Lightyear costume that worked. And then it would get cut. And I would go home crying. Or I was on a mechanical bull with Tom Hanks at the after party. It was absolutely insane. It's really cool, Bobby. Yeah. It's really exciting, man. Great to see you. Yeah, great to see you too, buddy.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

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