81: You HAVE To Follow Up
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America's number one podcast. We're here to help. Don't look it up. Hey, everybody. Doing good. 68 and Balmy. What a great episode. Ones and twos. We got a fun one. Gilly beans. Everything. We've got another one of my kind of personal favorites where that is the follow-up is within the hour. And this, I think, was one where we were very... We kept going like... You actually sent...

a screenshot of the email that she had sent an update and I was like, what did she say? And you go, no, I'm not reading it. We will find out. I checked the email. I knew it was her and I was dying to hear. We really were invested. It was a sweet girl. She's a sweet girl. Very sweet. And then also very straight.

As usual, a very strange little predicament that we're highly invested in. What was the second one again? I'm forgetting. Well, the second one was to do with. Well, go ahead, Kevin. You were going to say the restaurant owner. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a good one. And then, Kevin, hunk of the show, you said you had a little something.

A little something I'm kind of nervous slash excited for, which is I've been working in podcasts for a while. I get invited to these little... Don't say you're quitting and starting a new line of work. This is your goofy way of announcing and dumbing down. I mean, it could be. We'll see what happens. So I go to these happy hours that are always kind of like...

Some of them are fun. Most of them are boring. Not so happy. And it's always like a big fancy network that's hosting it and is like, oh yeah, we should do stuff like this all the time. And then no one ever does it. So I'm hosting my own happy hour. You're hosting it. I called it no talent.

So it's just the production people. The nerve. It's just going to be like engineers and producers and stuff. Amazing. And I deleted because I put too many times in the description, like, let's talk shit. And I'm like, this seems like I'm trying to start a problem.

So it's just like shit. Yeah. It's going to be like a hangout thing. I'm going in disguise as an engineer and I'm going to see what this asshole talks about when we're not around. This is amazing, Kevin. So what initiated the idea of bringing a bunch of people together? What are you looking for? I have a bunch of like different pod groups that are,

all really great but none of them are connected and I was like it would be fun just to have all of them in the same bar basically so at the end of the month like 30 of them are gonna all come to this happy hour thing that I'm gonna host and we're all just gonna like hang out and get to know each other and stuff so it's gonna be very low stakes but as a guy who didn't do speeches at his wedding to move it along

Yeah. I think you need to do a speech at this thing. Oh, yes. You can't throw something together like this. And then everyone's there like we're here. And then you're like, yeah, OK. So I'm going to be talking to these weird two guys. You have to. And you got 30 people who are a little socially awkward in their little groups. And then you go like, that was fun. I talked to like my two friends, met Kevin and left. There's got to be a moment at minute forty five.

You say, hey, everybody, thanks for coming. I did this to bring us all together. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I like it up. And it's not 30 seconds. It's not enjoy the night. Yeah, you got to fucking talk. By the way, it will absolutely be that. But Kevin, as we often ask the caller, what are you going to do? Are you going to do it? Are you going to make a speech? Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

You know what? Hold on. Give us a, give us a improvised, uh,

We're going to do a quick scene. Gareth, you and me are two engineers. Thank you, Jake. You're welcome, buddy. Thank you. I love you. Okay. All right. Here we go. We're at a bar. Yeah. So a lot of the level, I mean, a lot of times in post, I just have to kind of bring the levels down. Same. My problem is there's so much popping. I get so many guys being like- Oh, the P's. Excuse me, everyone. I always call it a pipe. Excuse me, everyone. Hold on. I think he wants to say something. Who is that? Hi, everyone. Hi.

Hi, it's me, Kevin. I'm hosting this happy hour today. I just want to say thank you all for being here. I know a bunch of really talented podcast people and just wanted us all to... I feel like I'm losing them. I know all these great people and I wanted them all to be in the same spot together and have a good time. And I just want to say thank you for being here. And...

Enjoy a drink on me. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin, you brought it home at the end. Yeah. I kind of felt like I was bragging a little bit. Like, I know all these great people. Yeah, that was weird. And also, because what you're not trying to do is create one big community. But you're just saying, this means something to me. You guys are my people. We should be like this. How about this? One drink on you is great.

We work on different shows and different projects. We are kind of all on the same team. Or, and you can do that as a way to make fun of the talent too. That's what I was thinking. That's a good idea. You could go. You seem a little hell bent on mocking the talent, Kevin, I'll be honest. But there could be something fun of, even though, you know, we all work on other shows, we all have to sit around and listen to a bunch of fucking hotheads talk for two hours and think they're brilliant. And then going, and we're all in this together, guys. Enjoy a drink on me. That's good.

Okay. This is going to be a hit. And yes, Gareth and I will be there in tuxedos to be the real MCs. Yep. Without question. We will take, we will have little prices, right? Microphones. And we will talk the entire time. And there will be prizes.

And there's a bunch of crew members who will have to listen to us talk. I would suggest anyone in the Los Angeles area go to every bar in Silver Lake for the next 30 days. Look for 30 guys who work behind the scenes in podcasts. Who look like they work behind the scenes. Everybody, thank you for listening to the show. And without further ado...

Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Can we get your name, please? Sure. My name is Valerie. You can call me Val. Val. Thanks. How old are you, Val? Roughly, if you want to go rough. I'm 28. 28. You're just a kid. And where are you from? I'm from Southern New Jersey. Southern New Jersey. You listen to the show a lot? I do. Yeah. Good work. What do you like to be called? A ghillie bean? A one and tour? What would you like?

A guinea bean. Like a guinea bean. She's a bit ambivalent. I mean, I put her on the spot. Okay, so Val, 28, South Jersey. Floor is yours. All right. So I traveled to Austin, Texas for the Solar Eclipse. There's this band that I like. They're called Vampire Weekend, and they played a show during the Solar Eclipse, and I met a guy. Nice. Total eclipse of the heart. Technically, I met him in a group chat beforehand.

That is different. How did you meet him in a group chat? He was like, you guys were all meeting up for the eclipse and he was in the group chat. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. Yeah. So he was at the concert as well. So we met up after the concert and then we found out that we were on the exact same flight home from Houston, which is a crazy coincidence because we weren't anywhere near Houston. Okay. And so we, you know, he was going to take a bus. I was like, no, no, no. Let's, I have a rental car. Okay. And where are you? Oh, you're from South Jersey.

Yes. And the guy and the guy is from D.C. in D.C. And so there's probably how many people in this group chat? Maybe like 20 or 30, 20 or 30 college friends, work friends, whatever. Yeah. Oh, it is. But it's just a group of friends. They were just they were from Reddit. OK, so random. So you don't know any of these people. And one of the people, let's give him a name.

Uh, I'll give him a fake name. I'll call him, uh, Mike. Okay. So Mike writes, I'm going to go to vampire weekend. You're saying me too. And Austin see the solar out of the 20 or 30. Is everybody going to see this concert?

Yes. Okay. So everybody's going. So then in this group chat, somehow it's established that you're going to drive to Austin to see the solar eclipse. No, I flew from New Jersey to Houston, rented a car. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So the airports in Houston, you're going to drive from Houston to Austin, which is about how long of a drive? Three. Three hours. Okay. Okay.

Okay, so you have a three-hour drive. Mike on this group chat says, I'm doing the same flight at the same time. I was going to take a bus to Austin. Or this is more in person after the concert and stuff. Yeah, it was in person. It was kind of just like we met and then happened to find out that we were taking the same flight home. Okay, great. So you guys meet at the concert. You kind of like each other. Is he handsome? Maybe. Yeah. Give me a comp of who he looks like in terms of like an actor. Yeah. What does he look like? Uh...

I mean, I sent in a picture. Can I show it? Can I share it? Is that cool with you, Val? Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I want to see this. I just want to see what Mike looks like. And then, okay, look at you two. Oh, yeah. So you guys look like, I got to say, a couple. Yeah, you do. There's something. There's something. Okay, so you guys see each other. You bond. You both look fun. You both look like a get-along. You say to him, I'm going to Houston. You want to just jump in the car with me?

Yeah. Okay. So, yeah. So then we drive to Houston. Um, and it's super, yeah, it's super fun. We have a lot in common. Um, we go and hang out with his friend and his friend lives in Houston. We hang out with him. Um, we stay the night at his place. Oh, you spend the night, you know, but it was like, it was, I slept on the couch and he slept in his friend's bed. Do you have another girlfriend with you? Are you doing this solo?

Solo. First of all, as a 45 year old father of two daughters, be a little careful. Yeah, I was really, really padding from Reddit to a random card. Yes. Now I'm glad it worked out. Yeah, we're staying in the future. We're staying in the sweetness. But you are talking to two old men who the band. Yeah, just be a little bit careful, but continue your story.

Okay. So, yeah. So, the next day, we drive to our flight. We're running late. We're, like, running across the airport in our socks to our flight. What? And we happen to get seats right across from each other in the aisle. Great. We were going to try to sit next to each other, but we were both sitting next to, like, parents and their child, so we couldn't switch. But we, you know, we shared ginger ale, and we tried to do, like, a...

Spotify jam session type thing where you like, uh, where you, uh, like listen to the same music. Yeah. We know Jake and I know the Spotify jam session. We do it with vampire weekend all the time. I know our podcast is wonderful on Spotify. Thank you. I love you. So, so then what you're sitting across from each other, everything's good. Nobody's got shoes on. Yeah. And he gives me his sweatshirt and he lets me keep it. He likes, he likes you. Yeah. And,

But here's the thing. So, you know, we land, we, we, you know, say goodbye and it's been just nothing. I mean, we've texted, but it's like every 24 hours he'll text me back and it's not very substantial and it's kind of just, you know, nothing really. It doesn't seem like the kind of text you'd send to someone that you're interested in. Interesting. Okay. So I'm not getting some mixed signals. Or he, or he's shy.

He wasn't shy in person. Now we have a great setup. What is the specific question we could help you with? I feel like I'm imploding. I want to tell him how I feel because it feels like a race against time. It does. I don't know. We just met. We pretty much know each other about a week ago.

like a little over a week. And I don't want to be weird about it. And, and I mean, he's like, he's a mechanical engineer. So like, he probably gets like, he could get any girl he wants. Probably. I don't think that's a true statement. What the hell? I don't think that you didn't, if you would have said he's like the lead singer of vampire weekend. Yeah.

He's a pitcher for the Astros. Yeah, okay, you know what? He's around a lot of women. This feels specific to you like this guy. You know, he's a telemarketer. He's drowning in pants. What? A mechanical engineer? That's a big, I got to tell you, just in reality, that's a joke. I mean, they make money. I don't know. They make money, but do they seem like these guys at the bar? Oh my God, relax, ladies. There's a group of mechanical engineers over there. Act normal. Oh.

Act chill. Not reality for anybody except for Val. Excuse me, this is a velvet roped area for mechanical engineers only. Yeah, no, not reality. So you're wondering, what do you do now? How do we let Mike know? You know I got a pitch. Oh, I got a pitch too.

Go ahead. What do you got? But Val, is that, that's what we're doing? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Pretty much. Before, I know what Gareth wants to do. So before we grab the reins and take over, you're in charge. We're here to help you. So I want you to say what you specifically have called in for help with, and then we'll try to help because we'll run wild and just take over if we can. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I guess,

I mean, pretty much I want, you know, I want to tell him how I feel, but I don't want it to just kind of blend in with any other person telling him how I feel. There's not other people. I told guys how I feel before. But you got to cool it that he is this absolute hunk that women are jumping at. Who told you that mechanical engineers are playboys?

Who poisoned your mind? This guy did. He did on the three-hour drive. He was like, boy, I don't know. Gosh, there's probably a few of my exes on this flight. I don't know if I mentioned it. I'm a mechanical engineer. We just did a call where someone said they listened to the podcast with their cows. So I do think this is our demo. Shout out Grumps in Wisconsin. Grandma Eileen. Grandma Eileen, happy 80th. Love you, babe. So Val,

Let's get that out of your head. He's not drowning in layers. Okay. He is not suffocating on women's underpants right now. That's just not a reality. So you guys had a wonderful time together. He's making robots. He's probably fucking all the time. You know how it works. Look at what I've done with this robotic arm that goes up. Oh,

Oh, gosh. So get the stick. The women are trying to break the door down. I've built the stick. Oh, God. Watch. I don't even have to. I move this remote and it hits them away. I must have him. I must have him. So here's where we're at, though. Would you like us to help you make a message and we could send him the message?

Sure. Because it's awkward if you just call, but if it's, we say his real name, which we beep out and then we, you email him this clip and we will set it up and then we will say, and

And there's somebody who's got something they want to say to you. And then he hears what you have to say. Is that something you would want? Because here's what's going to happen on that. It's either going to work great or he's going to have 10 babes sitting on his face right now and he's going to go like, oh.

Oh, she was going to be the 11th. Number 43, you're up. Yeah. I built the machine that creates the number 43. I've got to build a bigger bed for all my wives. So is that something you're interested in? You know what? Sure. Why not? Okay. Now, are you going to actually send him the thing that we send to you?

I will. I will. I will. I'll pee my pants a little bit when I do it. Well, why don't we prep what you're going to say? Just also our demo. Why don't we prep what you're going to say a little bit? Because I think that the question you want answered is pretty straightforward. But you're right. It kind of is daunting in the sense that it's like.

You're going to get an answer and one you're going to really like and one you're not. I think what Val wants is I had a wonderful time. I would like to pursue this if you would. Yep. I think it's basically like that. Is that correct? Or...

Do we want to see each other again? But I want to see you. Yeah, I know you're a mechanical engineer. You have been swimming in an ocean of models. Your arms are tired. It's like if Fashion Week were a man. But are you interested in seeing me? Yep. So you're asking him out, though. Yeah. Are you ready to ask this man out? What do you think? Sure, yeah. Do you want to do this? Yep.

Let me old man it for you for a second. Let me old man it for a second here. You want to know what happens in life? You either win or you lose. But nothing happens if you don't do anything. Here's the worst case scenario here. He writes back, you're weird. Pass. And you know what you do? It hurts. You laugh. You move on. The unknown, I always think in most things, but also in this sort of shit, the unknown is worse. It's the worst. That's the one that you're basically going to say right now.

These are my cards. You're either going to win or lose. In or out. And if he's in, fun. Guess what? Still might not work. Yep. You still might go on two more dates with him. You go, you know what? I'm so tired of the smell of women's bodies all over this hunk. Yeah. I want a regular guy like the quarterback of a football team. Yeah. Some guy who's not like constantly getting DM'd. Yeah. You know, just give me a male model or a football player. I'll pursue Justin Herbert. You know what I'd rather have than this guy? Give me a fireman holding two kittens.

Yeah. Because I can't keep doing this. This guy's surrounded by metal and screw. I mean, he's a mechanic. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to need, and Kevin, will you make sure you beep these out? Yep. What is your real name, Val? It is Val. Val. And what is his real name? Okay. So we are now going to start. And then, Kevin, will you make sure she gets this little clip? Soon. Soon. Okay. Are you ready, Val? I'm ready. Hey, ****.

This is Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, and we're from a show called We're Here to Help. It's a podcast. And basically, we try to help people solve their problems. You know, it's fun for us, and we think it's fun for the audience, and it's especially fun for a young lady named Val. Yep, who you met recently. You had fun at Vampire Weekend. You drove from Austin to Houston together. Shared ginger ale on the flight. Had a sleepover. She slept on the couch. There was a hoodie exchanged.

And she said she had a really wonderful time with you and thought you were just a really cool guy. Yeah. So, you know, we thought we would, you know, she wants to know what's going on. So she called into the show and said, since you've been home, the communication hasn't felt as strong as she had been hoping. Which is fine. We just are kind of curious what's going on. So, Val, do you want to put a finer point on this? Anything you want to say?

Yes, all of that. Agreed. 100% all of that verbatim. Okay, but is there anything you want to say, Val? If you were to say a question. Do you want to go to a concert with me next month and we can go together and we could go and it could be a date? Yep. Possibly. So follow up with Val, but

That sounds pretty good to me and pretty clear. I like it. Do you want to go on a date with this lovely young lady? Yeah. And we will figure out the logistics of this. You just want to know where you're at. Just want to know where you're at. So, and you can follow up directly with Val and we appreciate you all the best. Hey Val, that's as good as it gets. What do you think? I got to say you started poorly, but you finished strong. It's good.

You started so bad, I thought disaster when you said verbatim. Yeah, I felt the disaster happen. I was like, oh, this is going to be a danger zone and we're going to have to interrupt. We didn't interrupt. We've adjusted. Yeah, we've got we've adjusted. We've taken our notes. We've taken our notes. Mostly we would have jumped in there. We didn't. And guess what you did, kid?

You fucking landed the plane. You stuck the landing, Val. And if he was out, who cares? Yeah, it doesn't matter. And you know what? If you send him this and he writes back, I'm not interested, simply just write back, sorry, wrong mic. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that's exactly right. If he writes back and say not interested, go, who is this again? Yeah, that's true. I'll do that.

Val, please follow up with us. Please. Let us know how this goes. I will. Good or bad, follow up. Yeah, I will. And remember, if he's not into it, no big fucking deal. The mechanical engineers, they're out there. Don't worry about that. And they're single. Yeah. The other thing is... We're going to lose a lot of mechanical engineers. Oh, we all know you guys are hungs in. Babes, we get it. And you know what? We don't even need to air this if we don't like this idea. But what about for a follow-up?

If it is a pass, which we're all hoping it isn't, Val. Obviously, he's a great guy. What if we do a we're here to help dating game with her and three eligible guys and we try to pair her up with someone? That would be the greatest thing. I think so, too. Okay. We could do that. If this doesn't work out, we will show you there's a lot more fish in that mechanical engineer seat. That might be Patreon, though, because I don't know if that's main show. Could be. Could be.

But maybe it's a follow-up. We could just try it out and see. I'm interested in that being a follow-up. We could even do it fast. Kevin is into the idea, obviously, because he knows it's not a lot of work. A lot of producing for the Kevman. But we could figure that out. If you want, we could figure out a version of that. And if he says yes, we would love to have you both on together. Yes, great, great.

Okay. All right. That's like two best case scenarios. I love it. Val, you win no matter what. Maybe he wins. Yeah. And Kevin, if you don't win directly, Kevin loses. Kevin loses. Yeah. Okay. Bye, Val. Bye. Thanks. Thank you so much. Bye. This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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Hello? Hello there, sir. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Really, don't look it up. Enough people have started and it's not helping us. Can we get your name and your age and where you're calling from, please? My name is Eric. I'm 34 and I'm calling from the western suburbs of Chicago. Which one? I'm in Batavia. I work in the Lyle, Woodridge area. Okay. Beautiful. We're getting pretty far west, my man. Yeah.

Yeah. Are you talking to me or him? Eric, I'm just looking at you. Don't talk to me. Yeah, okay, because I don't know what you're talking about. But Tavia, we're getting pretty far out there, Wes. He's still doing it. It's like confusing. Oh, yeah, right on the fringe. You're right on the fringe. I mean, Gareth, what would you want me to do? Like this? Or look at camera. Well, like you can, I mean, I look. But you're my guy. Yeah, I know, but it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's me being like, oh, man, they got the best cheese there. They do? No, it's not. Okay. Eric, what's the issue, my friend?

All right. So I'm calling because I'm a chef. And my question is, how do I get my boss to stop pitching me menu ideas from the Instagram account of his favorite restaurant? Great. OK. Oh, what a clean question. Yes. So you're a chef. Your boss watches too much Instagram. This is an issue I have. And then I get into all the health. Yeah. And he's seen menu items that he's seen somebody else do and saying we should do that.

Yes, and he's also very set in his ways, whereas an example of this is this past winter, I wanted to run a grilled cheese and soup special. It makes sense because it's winter. He vetoed it because he doesn't like soup. And then while we were getting ready to roll out the spring menus, he saw on his favorite restaurant's Instagram that

that they had a grilled cheese and soup special and he suggested that next winter we should run a grilled cheese and soup special and even made me the worst grilled cheese i've ever seen in my life okay so what other ideas has he seen on instagram that he's trying to pitch you that you don't like uh there's this thing it's pretty popular right now called the pinozo uh some backstory we're pizza restaurant like high-end high-end neapolitans and detroit styles

Isn't it weird to say Detroit style in Chicago? You're okay with that? Yeah. All right. Okay. Keep going. Sorry. Basically, you take a pizza dough, you fold it in half, you bake it, and then you make...

essentially a sub sandwich on it. Oh, yum. So we ran that instead of a grilled cheese and it did terrible. It did bad numbers. Okay. And we'll just, you know, Jake could eat it out of the garbage. Cause his reaction was that of what a dog would. My reaction. I just realized I forgot to eat. Yeah. Wrong. First call. I want something. I want something about like you, you took a dump on your sheets. Not as I got to put it. Yeah. Penozo. Am I wrong on that name? No, it's just a crazy name. So, uh,

Okay, so he wanted a Pinozzo. Nobody likes a Pinozzo. You pitch good stuff like grilled cheese and soup. He says no. He sees on Instagram it's popular. He then says, let's do that. He then says, let's do that. But not only does he do that, he takes a Detroit dough, which is a focaccia bread,

cuts it in half, fills it full of American cheese and pops it in the oven and calls that the grilled cheese. Oh my God. So he's, you're unfortunately your audience is Jake. I don't know. It's not great. Cause everything you're saying he's into. What's bad about that, Eric? I'm Gareth. Oh, you did it again. That threw me off. Hold on, Eric. One second.

Gareth, we always make eye contact. Do we? Yes. Okay. It's just what you just did was weird. We are always, the way this show works is we're talking. You've been on the road too much. I don't know. I've been alone a lot. Okay. This is what happens. Okay. Okay. So I can't look elsewhere. Okay. I'm ready. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. So what's gross about the, it's weird. I have to look. What's gross about the food you're talking about, Eric? I'll say his name. It's Gareth. Uh.

the one that i made him at the beginning of winter uh was parmesan crossfit and had like three different types of cheese and he just kind of threw this together i made a cheese detroit pizza that he also had american cheese layer in the middle of respect so you're just making better instead of the soup instead of the soup we could serve heated up marinara oh christ

What? Jake, you'll admit that's insane. That's out of control. Instead of soup, hot marinara. Okay. How often is he pitching you this stuff? Is this coming at quite a clip? It's at least three times a month. Okay. How many followers does this Instagram have? Well, he doesn't have a popular one. He's just following. Yeah, yeah, but that's what I mean. The one where he's seeing these dishes, how popular is it? It's like a big one? I'm sure it's just on his feed.

Yeah, yeah. The irony. There's a pizza place in Bloomington Normal, Illinois. Oh, there's one he's copied. Yeah, yeah. Yes. He's obsessed with one. Oh, I missed that. Okay. Like makes pilgrimages down every month or so. Okay, I got you. So he's got his idol restaurant. And that's weird that it's near you, too. It's not like it's just like...

A big Instagram. It's like a restaurant he can go to. It's kind of like he's... It feels a little like he's cheating on you. Yes, or he... And then he comes home and he wants to try new positions that he did with his mistress. Or he's got younger brother syndrome. Yeah, yeah, right. And this other place in Bloomington is the real place. Yeah. Can we give your boss a name just so we know him, Chef? Let's call him Bill. Bill? Yes, Chef. Okay, so... Nice, Jake. Thank you. So...

Bill, just so we're caught up and then I'm going to have you actually give us the question as succinct

as you can how about that for a word that i landed yeah so shaky start but really yeah for those of you listening jake winked didn't know if the tea made a sound it's good it was good thanks so eric you're a chef in uh the western suburbs you got a boss named bill he's got a restaurant in bloomington indiana which is probably about two hours away from you maybe a buck and a half

He is obsessed with the place. He watches their Instagram. And then he tells you to make things like from that place. And every once in a while, he throws together a shittier version of what you're doing and says, do this. Is that the backstory? That is the backstory. So then what is the specific question we can help you with today, chef?

I guess the question is, how can I get him to either stop pitching these ideas or should I just, for lack of a better term, shut up and take his money? Hmm.

Good question. Well, I think shut up and take his money as your last resort. If you can't be helped by us and there's... We can help. We'll go there last resort. But I think we can help you. I do too. You want to start? Nice. What? I got stuff. Go first. Okay.

Well, the reason why I ask how many followers they have, and I would guess they don't have a tremendous amount of followers, is because... They have 31.2K. I just looked at it. Not bad. Pretty good. Pretty solid for a restaurant. Pretty solid for a restaurant. It's just the one location? Yeah.

two locations in the same town pretty good i mean that's that's shocking that's very good if they had 32 000 people yeah go every day and order a slice of pizza yeah that is a wealthy that's very good yeah so okay do you okay so this is why he's jealous do you yeah for sure how many wait how many followers does your restaurant have yeah so i'm just gonna say does it have an instagram 5 000 yeah i get i get the younger brother thing here

Do you? OK, this is my first pitch. I'm falling less in love with. But I was thinking if you could get them to post something that you have created, like they homage a recipe of yours and then you get to go to Bill and go, hey, Bill, just so you know, it's a two way street. Like I think like.

Do you feel like he likes what you do? Do you feel overall Bill enjoys your cooking? Or do you feel like this is kind of a systemic issue to some extent? It's kind of a... I think he likes what I do, but he's also a former finance guy who retired in his 40s and bought a restaurant. Right. So I got something, and I don't know if it's right, but...

So there's a trick in editing, which I think I've brought up here. If you're editing something and you have executive or bosses called the hairy arm. Yeah. So there might be an answer in the hairy arm, Eric, but we might need your help in figuring out how to do it in terms of food. The hairy arm thing is in your, there was a guy who was editing some like survivor type show and his boss came in and hated the promo he had cut and was abusive and mean and told all the editors, you guys are fucking dog shit.

So they had to spend another eight hours recut in this promo and they, whatever they recut it. Uh, they didn't, they didn't do any of the work, but all they did was they left in a shot. They did like very minimal stuff and left in one shot accidentally of a guy's hairy arm in it. So it was like a weird shot of like some hairy guy on the show, his arm. And it was a total mistake.

So the boss comes in, looks, sees the footage, sees the hairy arm and goes, this is the worst promo I've ever seen. And rather than say that was a mistake, they just took the abuse. Then he goes, you're not, no one's leaving until this is done. That was the worst thing I've seen. After that, they made no changes besides they took out the hairy arm. Five hours later, the guy comes, looks at it and goes, now that's a promo.

So maybe there's something in you cook a recipe that he sees. You put an ingredient in it that's terrible. So it looks a certain way, but it doesn't taste right. So that you get him to pitch what you want. That's pretty good. Right? Somewhere in there. I like that. I also like maybe the opposite of that, which is that you take an element of

that he liked from the other one and put it in something that doesn't work and make him like, okay, I have a pitch that takes that to the crazy realm. Okay, you want to go first? You're going to like mine, I think. Okay, so mine is shady and involves a second participant.

So what you need to do is you push back a little. Okay. So he comes in and he says, whatever. He goes, what is it, the Pizzono? Walk me through it. Eric, you be you. No, you be the boss. Okay. Gareth, you be Eric. All right. Does that make sense? Sure. And we're going to have an intermission and then we're going to come back. Okay. So go ahead, Eric. You know, I had this really good idea of...

We could do this Pinozzo. You'd stretch it out and you put chopped romaine and all the cold cuts that we already have to still hold pepperoni and shredded mozzarella. We could charge $17, $18 and it's a real unique item that

that people will look for. Yeah, I mean, my concern is we're putting lettuce in a pizza and I feel like our clientele doesn't like to spend near $20. I feel like overall the mean average for what people want to spend here is $9 to $10 to $11. What do you think of that, Bill?

It could be really unique. We could cut down the price to have it be our loss leader. So he's not going to stop. Good. I don't want Bill to stop. Okay, that's good. So then I go, all right, okay, you're right. Then, okay, I make the Pizzono.

And with everything he's talking about, and I have a fake customer come in and order the Pizzono. And the customer comes in, orders the Pizzono. They're a little like, ah, it's weird. And they eat it. And the first step is they complain. They don't like it.

The second is not only do they complain, they get sick from it. So you call, but they call back and they go, Hey, the Pizzono was like it part, like in a way where the culpability, yes, this is disgusting. My wife and I came in last night. It was our anniversary. You, you told me to get a Pinozzo. I wanted to get, but you could also, I'm loving where Garf is going. Cause you have, if you can get a friend to come in and go,

I love your restaurant. Yeah. This is so off brand. And so I thought, what the hell? I had diarrhea for 16 hours. I'll never come here again. I'll tell all my friends never to come here. What the fuck is a Panoza? Yep. I think that's what you do. That way he, because it sounds like,

The fickle nature of this guy is see it, replicate it. And what you can if someone complains that it's like off brand gave him diarrhea, it's not good. And he's telling people, oh, you know, we could also do with this. Am I interrupting? No, go. So, Eric, you know what else you could do?

You could create fake profiles and write fake reviews about anything that Eric pitches you. I mean, anything Bill pitches you, just write it and go like, what happened to this restaurant?

Lately, the menus are becoming utter dog shit. Cheddar cheese and a bunch of bread. If I wanted to spend 11 bucks on that, then they'll go, I pass. I could make this at home. Yes. And then talk about the items you like and go, hey, remember items like this?

Yeah, your signature dishes. That's one. That's interesting. That made me kind of think of another one. Before you go, and don't forget it. Yeah. What's your first thought of that, Eric? I like that. I think Gareth might make more work for me if I'm writing pay-per-views saying that people are getting sick.

OK, well, you just I mean, I would just look, I think just start with the person coming in. See how he takes that. I feel like a guy like that who doesn't know what he's doing, who is there. It'll scare him. It'll make him be like, you know, let's stick to what we're doing. It's working. What's the second idea?

Okay, so the second idea, we've had this on our podcast where, and I'm not going to push anything and everyone's allowed to do what they want, but where people have come on this podcast and we've noticed that our podcast influenced them. And then I've seen them post on their Instagram clips of their show where I'm like, it's very similar to this podcast.

And the commenting on there probably had a little effect. So what I would suggest is when you are basically ripping off a dish that this place is doing, I would post it on your Instagram and you reach out to that Instagram and you go, hey, I'm the chef in this restaurant. We're ripping off your pinozzo dish.

When I post about it, will you comment and say, that looks exactly like the dish we created? You know, very shrewd. But I'm going to tell you what Mr. Wonderful would say on Shark Tank. There's no IP on this. You know what Bill might say? Good. People are talking. Bad attention is good attention. Okay. So I've got a pitch. Go. Eric, one word on this one, and then some explanation because the word's not going to make sense. So it feels like it's more than one. It is.

I felt confident, and once I looked down at the word... Yeah, it's actually eight words. It's probably going to be three sentences. It's a regular pitch. Then we're going to go back to Gareth's fake customer, because I don't have a good second half. I'm going to need some help. All right. Ready, Eric? Sure. Mentalist. Can I just say, for a one-word pitch, it's a great one-word. Do you know what I'm going with this? No. I think I know where it's going. Okay, Eric. So, a mentalist, we got two minutes. We got to do this one fast, but...

You know those guys, mentalists, who go to football teams and they go like, pick a number. I know the number. You want to know why that happens? Because they're planting the seed earlier. So there's a world where you become a mentalist and you're getting in Bill's head through messaging. So he's itching you what you want the menu to be. Then you defer to him and go, you're the boss.

I mean, that's how do you propose? This is where you're. So here's how I propose it. OK, you start looking at the site he's looking at. Uh huh. So let's say they come out with some sandwich. Yeah. Well, you know, Bill's going to pitch you on that sandwich. So before he does, you've already made changes to it in your head. So let's say you wanted mozzarella cheese rather than American cheese.

Well, before you talk to him, you text him low on mozzarella or something with the word mozzarella three times. Yeah. Then let's say they had oregano. You don't want oregano in it. You want basil. Then you do something that says the word basil three times. So when he comes in and he goes, you know, I saw this sandwich, I go, me too, but I think we should make some changes. What do you think should go on it for cheese if we don't do cheddar? And he goes, mozzarella?

And you go, I think that's a good idea. And then you go, well, we're not going to do oregano, right? What do you think? And he goes, I don't know. I'm thinking basil. And you go, I don't know. I'll do it. You're the boss. That's pretty good as a general tactic, too, if you want. Pitch him in the direction. You know, everyone's doing mozzarella. We're doing. What do you think? Yeah. That's a good idea. You know what we should do? That's great. We'll take it. We'll do mozzarella. That's a great idea, Bill. What do you think of that, Eric, of the idea of planting seeds in

And then getting him to go where you want him to go. I think that's a winner. Uh,

The management team, including myself, kind of already do that because for anything to get done, it needs to be his idea. Yes. So I'm going to heighten this a little bit. I'm going to call this approach the Mr. Todd, and I'll tell you why really fast. At my kid's preschool, there was this little genius guy named Mr. Todd, and Mr. Todd was like a baby expert. And one of the things he would tell you to do is if you're in like a standoff of a toddler's throwing a fit,

You don't double down you at the smallest victory they have. You over compliment it. So if you go like, I'd like you to put that book down and they're going like, no, and holding it. If their arm goes like this, just cause tired, you go, I really thank you for doing that. Thank you for moving. That took a lot from you. That's very mature. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank them prior to the action. And,

give a tiny win and guide them where you want. You go for doing that. I say, let's take away that consequence. I said, you've already done it. Come here. Let's have a hug. You did it. Thank you so much for doing that. And all they did was their arm got. Yeah. So what you could do when he starts pitching you, you could Mr. Todd, him slash mentalist, where if he goes,

You know, Eric, I saw this thing on the set. You guys thinking the same thing. But obviously we take away the mozzarella. We take away the cheddar. We go mozzarella. No oregano. We go basil. And then you go, I think you're a fucking genius. And then go to another. Your coworkers go. Did you hear what Billy just came up with? We're doing the sandwich, but we're using mozzarella. And what did you say? You wanted basil in there, which I think is insane. But that's the reason you're the guy.

I like that too. What do you think? I like that too. I have two more and then just very quickly. We gotta wrap up soon. Okay. The first one is someone from the restaurant since it sounds like everyone there is like a little pissed off. Yeah. Just have someone reach out to this Bloomington restaurant and have them block Bill.

It'll confuse the shit out of him. Just have them block Bill. He won't be able to go there anymore. And then when he asks why, you guys can be like, well, we were ripping off their recipes. Maybe someone figured it out. The other one is the next time that someone in your restaurant, in your kitchen is like moving on, they're going to get another job, whatever it is. You ask them to not just resign quietly, but to quit over the fact that there's too much creative control coming from an owner who doesn't have any culinary expertise. Okay, so Eric, here's where we're at.

You've got the mentalist. You've got the fake customer kind of coming in and doing a little cosplay. You've got a post it and tag the other site. You've got the Mr. Todd, which is just manipulating him where you want. You contact the place in Bloomington and you try to block him.

You get bill blocked or you create a coup. Whoever's going to leave for leaving, you give them a hundred bucks and you say, will you pretend the reason that you're leaving, even though you're moving is because the fucking owner is ruining this restaurant. Ruining the kitchen. Eric, what are you going to do, chef? I think the mentalist, Mr. Todd, but I'm probably going to pursue getting him blocked from the other restaurant. Great. Great. You're doing a three hander, right? Yeah. If you get, if you get him blocked,

Can you send us the screenshot of them doing that? And we will block out the names of the place and block out his. But just the idea that he got blocked. Yes. It's really fun. Maybe the message and we will block out all pertaining bill details. But blocking him will really send his wires in a real flood. It's really a funny idea. And maybe we can help you with that. We actually could. Do you want us to reach out to the restaurant and ask them to block this guy? We'll do it.

I mean, maybe. Okay. I don't, I think his Instagram is actually just the restaurant's Instagram. Great. You have to block my restaurant. That's easy. But that's good. You're talking restaurant to restaurant.

Yeah. So you let us know if you want us to handle that because we could send a message. Let's get you guys blocked. Yeah. Because if he doesn't know who he's copying. You're worried that the restaurant will tell him that it's very obvious what he does. I'm worried that he could trace it back. I don't think he would ever listen to this podcast. Okay. Well, you don't need to. We don't need to hear that. He's got bad taste. He's got bad taste. Terrible taste. Here's what we're going to do in closing.

If you can get him blocked, please send it to him. If you want our help, we will contact in a follow-up the other restaurant. We could also have our social media person, Caitlin, write out to them. Yep. But you take the lead and you let us know. And no matter what, we would love a follow-up on this because-

We need the artist making the art. We don't need the business person telling Picasso to get out of the blue phase. By the way, yes, Picasso is when you put tuna salad in a calzone. Yeah, something like that. Okay, thanks, Eric. Thank you, buddy. Strong ending. Thanks, Eric. Thank you.

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Hi, welcome back to America's number one podcast. We know you're a follow up, but we don't know what the follow up is. So maybe you can just kind of bring us up to speed. What was the call? And then we'll get an update.

Yes. So this is Val. I'm the one that met the guy at the Vampire Weekend. Yes! Oh, dying for this one. This is a great one. I mean, why don't you go ahead, Jake? Yeah, well, follow up on this one is you guys met, you went to a concert together, you drove to the airport together, you really bonded since you got home. He kind of stonewalled you. So the G-Man and I sent a little video essentially asking him out for you. Is this all correct?

Yes. Yes. Well, about what the hell happened? The day of the video, I, uh, we hadn't talked for the whole day before. So I knew I had to kind of like start the conversation up. So I sent him a text that said, friend, friend Danowitz, which, you know, it's a Parks and Rec reference. It has his name. Oh, by the way, he let me, he gave me permission to use his name. His name's Brendan. You guys do that, but.

Yeah. So I sent that message and he had said, you know, confession, I've never actually watched Parks and Rec. So then I said, oh, that's fine. But have you ever watched New Girl? So then he said, oh, yes. Love some New Girl. I'm like, OK, I planted the seed like this. You know, it's time. So then I FaceTime him and we've never FaceTime before. So he didn't answer. So I texted him. I said.

I said, "All right, I like, you gotta FaceTime me urgent." So then he FaceTimes me and I said, "Okay, don't make fun of me. I'm gonna send you something, but you can't make fun of me and you have to call me back right afterwards." He says, "Okay." I hang up, I send it to him. And

I send it and then 10 minutes goes by I hear nothing. I'm like, oh my god, so I text him I said, did you watch it? Um, and then so he says oh my god. Yes. I did. This is incredible.

But then nothing. I'm like, oh my God. So I'm driving. I'm like, I can't, I can't be the guy. You know what you're describing Val? What it feels like to be an auditioning actor for the first like five years of all of our careers where you're like, I kind of gave it my all. And the agent goes like, we followed up. And,

And enjoy your day, Jake. They said they'll let us know. They said they remembered you. Yeah. All right, Val. God, it's brutal, though. He said, yeah, I saw it. Incredible. And you're like, great. And then he's like, nothing. Yeah. So then I go and call him. Yeah.

Yeah, so I call him. I will say what I like about you, Val, is you're aggressive. You grab the bull by the horns. It's good. I also worry about this level of pressure. I think she's pressing. She's pressing. She wants an answer, which I get, but I think- The only way to make a diamond. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. They send kids into mines, too. Okay, go ahead, Val.

So, so then, you know, he answers the phone and he said, and I kind of explained, you know, the podcast and everything, what it was. And he said, that was really cool. That was awesome. Blah, blah, blah. But then he says,

but I have to be honest. And that's when I knew, that's when I knew it was a, never good. It wasn't a good sign. Yeah. So hate when people have to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. I know we're worst thing ever. So yeah, it turned out that he had started seeing someone, but failed to tell me that before the trip, before the trip,

Okay. Like, failed to tell me that, though. Did not tell me that. Didn't act like it on the trip. Yeah, well, no, he didn't. Yeah. He was single on the trip. Yeah. So, but, you know, and I'm like, I understand. Like, he was cool about it. And, you know, I asked him, like, is this, like, the most insane way you've ever been asked out before? And he said, yeah, definitely. And, I don't know, he said, you know, he'd still be willing to keep in touch and everything. But, yeah, basically the answer was no. Well. Wow.

Well, I think it's... Look, obviously not the answer you want. But I think... I've said this before. Like, when I was single and I would, like... Like, when I was, like, in my 20s... I mean, I would ask women for their phone numbers, like, pretty easily. And I would get shot down all the fucking time. But it would result in times where I wouldn't get shot down. And so I think that it shows...

It's really great that you tried, that you really put yourself out there. And, you know, it's also maybe kind of cool that he's not cool, but it's better that he's that it's because of someone else versus he's just not feeling it. Yeah. But also, I think your first half is more right, even apart from his response.

You went for it, Val. You won. Yeah, you did. You didn't sit in a corner and go like, I like him. I don't know. I don't know. You called a fucking podcast. We made a weird video and he said no. But guess what? You got up to the plate and you swung your hardest. You're not always going to hit a home run.

You know what's going to happen, Val? The next guy you like, we're sending a video to. I was just going to say, we pride ourselves on being the uncles. We're your uncles. So the next time you need a video or the next time there's a romantic predicament. I will do it off air. I'll come there. I'm moving to Austin, it turns out.

But we will do whatever you want. If there's another bridge that you're a little hesitant to cross, let us help. We'll do it. And one last kind of advice on this. Just view this as the beginning of a path you're on. You did meet something in him that you liked. And so there's going to be a journey you're on that's going to be right. It's just not right now and not with him. Yep. Right person, right time. By the way, he owes you a hoodie, if memory serves.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But also, now that you know you don't want him, he was dating somebody else. Go ahead, Val. Yeah. No, I mean, honestly, too, like, I'm a swan rider, so, like, this...

it does like one positive is that it fuels my art so and I told him that too I said I said listen I mean I've been writing a lot of songs lately so if you hear some familiar things on Spotify does one of them sound a little bit like this Jake and Gareth helped me with my situation they're the two uncles I didn't know I wanted because I'm a genie in a bottle baby that's verbatim yeah that's so much to throw in the ocean

We appreciate the call. Follow up when there's an ex guy. And if you write a song quickly about this situation. Yes. Kevin, how soon are we posting this one? A couple of weeks. We got a couple of weeks. If you can go fast and send something, we'll post the song. Yep. All right. If not, no pressure. Val, you're the best. Thanks for calling. Good work, Val. Yeah.

Thank you, guys. All right. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye. Bye.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

It bothers me too

Oh God, I'm never, never, never gonna get you. Can't free wild Michigan. Hot solder hypocrite. And all the darkness gone from all of it. Because lives in every place you've been. Blades, blades, you're not a fool. But I'm keeping your sweatshirt.

You heard me all, my public heart, you still said no.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.