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We are
We sure are, Jake. And boy, oh boy. What do we say? Well, I loved this one. How do we even start? I loved this one. Yes. We had a dear friend of mine and ours, Max Greenfield is on the pod. Great. I love the guy. He's unthinkably funny. He just walked out. And what he doesn't get credit for is he's smart. He's very smart. We do a lot of bits, but that beginning of New Girl, which we talk about in the end, he knew what he was doing in a way that...
That I sure didn't. There's a calculation. And I think even in the advice on the show, there is a calculation. He's definitely... I think sometimes people come into the world we've created and they're like, you two are out of your mind. This premise is weird. And we're both like, what are they? Hold on. Biff Whiff did it first. Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. Biff was first. Who cares? Yeah, who cares? That was big. I did realize for the first time when he said that this is a sandcastle, not a real castle.
That's right. One big wave and we're out of here. Yeah, with ease. But Max Greenfield came on. I love him. He's the best. Most of you who listen to this also know New Girl, so I think you're in for a very special treat. He's in Jerry Seinfeld's movie, Unfrosted. On Netflix. On Netflix. And he's...
unthinkably funny. So if you have not watched that yet, watch it now. And on CBS, he's on The Neighborhood with the great Cedric. Seventh season, did he say? Seventh or eighth. Crazy. Yeah. Yeah, Cedric the Entertainer. And next to that show on CBS is a show about Damon Wayans Jr. and his daddy.
Is that the title? It's something about like me and my daddy or I love my daddy. So check out The Neighborhood on CBS and then followed by a show about Damon and his daddy. Love me, my daddy. Love me, daddy. Love me, daddy. Love me, daddy. It's a wonderful show. That's great. But yeah, it's a really great episode. It's really fun. And then we have a really fun chat at the end where it was nice to be able to ask Max about
A lot of his POV and his way into this game. Yep. So enjoy the episode without further ado. Hello. Can I get your name, please? Yeah, this is Robert. Robert? Hey, Robert. Where are you calling from, Robert? I'm from Kansas. Kansas? And about how old are you? 32 years old. Robert, you got a special one. My old buddy...
My partner in crime, a guy I've spent more hours with than most people in my life. Close. Family. Close corner. In a little room talking shit. From New Girl, Mr. Schmitty Maxx.
Back again. And I would say the funniest part of Unfrosted, in my opinion. I agree. Appreciate it. Truly. Which is saying something. You got to kill... Everybody's funny in the movie. It's a murderer's row, but XEG scores. Yep. Robert, what can we do for you today? Well, I need some advice about...
my twin brother and trying to figure out whether he's circumcised or not. Whoa, the hell? That is a wild open. Okay, so you got a tweet. All right, keep going, Robert. The floor is yours. Walk us through this. So my wife and I recently had a son. Okay. Congrats. About six months ago and decided that he should be circumcised. I'm circumcised, and so it was just natural that, yeah, he ought to be. Sure. Ought to be, too. And then...
From there, we brought him home, and like you do after you bring a new baby home, family comes to visit. Twin brother and his family, his wife, stopped by and congratulated us. It was kind of unexpected. He started to kind of question me and berate me about why we are going to circumcise him. Really? I just kind of brushed it off and went on about my day and didn't think too much of it.
And then my wife and his wife were texting back and forth about it later on a week or two later. And when they talked about it and said that whenever they decide to, I'm loving it. They talked about whenever they will have a son that they won't circumcise it. And when my wife asked why she said, well,
her husband, my twin brother, isn't circumcised. What the fuck? From there, it just kind of got confusing. I didn't... Yes. I assumed from... Of course you assumed you both had the same thing done. Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical, your parents are doing weird science stuff. Yeah, they really... It's like twins. Yes. Are you guys identical? Yes. What the fuck? What should we call your brother, just whether it's his real name? You can call him Paul. Paul, okay.
And you're cut, and you don't think Paul is cut. Well, he doesn't know, but Paul's wife said he's not. Maybe she doesn't know what cut is. Maybe they just did a better job on you. Yeah, maybe his is like, yeah, he's got that kind of mop top. So where else do we end up here? Because this is wild. Are your parents alive? Yes. Okay. There we go. So when you brought up that you're going to circumcise your son, Paul kind of pushed back and said, like, no.
And then he said, because I'm not, why would we do this? And you said, because I was circumcised. He never said that to me. It was his wife who said to my wife that he's not. That's crazy. Is there any other setup on this one? It's like one of those riddles where the answer is like, the doctor's the mother. So is there any other details about this? It kind of sprang to mind that maybe it had something to do with
Telling us apart when we were first born? Wait, what did you do? As a way to tell the boys apart they had different dicks.
Boys, which ones? Pull your pants down. Well, that works when you're nude. Yeah. It's a tough one when you're clothed. Gets tougher when school starts. Unless you're wearing really tight clothes. Or just wearing that dick like an elephant's trunk on your shoes. If you have a rash guard on with no underpants, maybe. Not me. No, no. Like a mannequin. Jake, we know which one's you. Can you...
Not. Mom, why'd you cut the whole thing off? All you left was nuts. My twin brother's got a heart down to his knees. That's a problem. It's a small issue. Having a twin brother with a cock that's way bigger, that's significant. So, Robert, just to catch up to you, you and your brother were twins. You're cut. He's uncut.
Maybe it's because your parents wanted to be able to tell you apart. Is there anything else before we start getting into this? This is a wild call. That's it, really. That's crazy. Okay, so what is the specific question that we can help you with? This is a fascinating setup. I want to know whether he is or not, whether he's just mistaken or... Okay.
You want to see your twin brother's dick, Robert, own it and just say it. Let's manifest. So we now know this situation on this. Yes. Does anybody have an initial pitch? I'm still in a bit of shock, to be quite honest with you. Now, let me just bring something up to you, Robert. Is there any world...
And you know your family better than yours. I don't want to put your parents who are probably, if you're in your 30s, we're guessing 60s in Kansas. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable spot. But is this a world you can bring this up to mom and dad? Yeah, that's your easiest path. It would catch them off guard, but I...
I could. I'm not entirely sure how I would say that. Okay, so that doesn't seem comfortable. So we're looking for a way to accidentally get at Paul's dick. Well, there's really, there's two places where as men we see each other's dick. Hold on, I have a quick, go ahead. Is there a rift at the current moment between you and your brother? No, we're a close family. We're a close bunch. You ask because of the circumcision. Well, I said, well, I mean,
Why wouldn't you just ask your brother? It's a fair point, too. Right. But also that feels too simple. Part of the reason why I didn't is because it's hard for me to tell whether he knows what circumcision is. Yeah. It's a very strange predicament. Hold on, Max. I get that. You get that? Do you know what circumcision is? It's a medical procedure. I don't know every medical procedure. How about this one?
What circumcision? What circumcision? Where you cut the top off. Yes. Yeah. You don't think your brother knows that there's like the weird like skin part that some kids get cut off and some don't? Not done to him. All right. I got a question for you, Robert. Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare dicks? Whoa. I know it's weird, but is there any world you could say, have you done it to your son yet?
Yeah. I was going to say, if you had, you could say, I want to see the difference before I do it to my kids. Well, again, I'm sort of glad that we can't pursue that path, if I'm being totally honest, on behalf of the show. But part of it, if he doesn't know if his brother knows, you can't just ask. Going to mom and dad does not seem like a through line. What we need to pitch on, in my opinion, is how we get all the pants off. Yes, we've got to do... Max? Yeah.
Well, one, I think it's a mistake to involve the child. Agreed. The baby boy. Well, that was your first pitch. Yeah, no. You say agree really quick, but he's talking about what you just said. You went right to, I think we need to get the boy and bring the boy. Bring the golden child before us. Misquoted. Misquoted. I'm not saying bring the boy's dick out. I'm saying because. That's what he said. I think it would be a good idea. Show your brother your dick.
It would be a good idea to run it back for the show. Show me your dick because I'm thinking about doing it to my son. That's not how it came across. Bring the boy's dick out. It's a baby, you pervert. No, don't. Get my brother's twin's dick. If you're an identical twin, half that dick is mine, my guy. That is not legally sound. I don't think you should involve the blowpipe. I agree. Well, finally, glad you came around, Jay.
All right, Max, 100% agree. Don't involve the boy. That guy's, let's say your identity. Stop pointing at my dick when you're doing it, man.
What's my dick got to do with anything? I'm pretending we're twins. You're pretending I'm a little boy. No. By the way. You're my Paul. No, no, no. You're not a baby boy. I can tell. Spread those legs, baby boy. We're doing twins. Let me see that little baby boy dick. Because I'm going to circumcise you because I'm your dad. And I'm doing it in house. I know you well enough. You're looking at me like a child. You've done this to me before. I'm like, I'm. What a dick.
No, you're my brother. I don't play the brother right now. I'm not standing for that. You just said, I said to you, show me your dick. And I'm the little boy. You said I'm the boy. I'm the baby. Nope. That is what it came across as. Not going down on this. Kevin, put it back in the episode because I think it's very, I left with the same feeling that you were asking for baby name. That's why you're sitting on that couch. Yeah, that's why we've got a couch between us. Robert, back to you and your brother.
It's very good. We need to find a way. Are you kind of pitching? And I don't want to pitch on stuff. And at the end of the day, you hang up and say that didn't help. Right. Are you looking for a way to try to accidentally see Paul's dick? Yes. Or are you looking for a way to have a conversation with Paul and we could help get that language right? What's the best path forward for you? Where's your gut leaning towards?
Probably some form of conversation, I'd say. I just don't know what to say. I wonder why we got to seeing his dick then. It felt like that's where you were leading us and now you turned on me. It's a shame because I have great let's see his dick pitches. Let's hear the first one. The first one is you say, hey, look, I know we had a little circumcision friction. Yeah. Let's go get a beer. And you take him to a place where you know the urinal's a trough.
And you do a couple beers, and a couple beers deep, when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you go with him, and you just glance down at the schlong real quick. You do the look over. Yeah. Well, I think you're right in the sense that drinks need to be involved. Yes. Are you guys drinkers, Robert? Not so much. Sometimes, but I do like your idea of doing some form of kind of a bathroom thing.
Look, see kind of a sneak to see. Yeah. Because, Robert, you're the one that said you're not sure if he knows if he's circumcised or did someone in here say that? No, he doesn't. That's true. I don't know that he knows what he's talking about. Right. So if there's a conversation and you go, have you been circumcised? He could say no. And he has been. Yeah. So, yeah, I think and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence. You got to see the dick. Yep.
I really feel like it's a parent's decision because there was somebody who made that call. I think this is a two-parter. It's one, you should try to see the dick. And two, I actually think you should go to mom and dad over Paul. Max, what are you thinking? Again, I'm going to come back to the simple. We should just ask your brother and say, hey, man. And even if he doesn't know what circumcision means, hey, man.
Will you describe what your dick looks like? Oh, no way with this flying Kansas. You ain't that guy. You can't do it publicly. You ain't that guy. All right. Hey, will you describe how your dick looks to me? I'll take you to the jiu-jitsu mat right now. We'll have some calamari for the table. For talk like that. All right. But you asked totally sober. Yeah. Seven drinks in. Ask me.
Hey, man, could you just... No, you're not. Seven drinks in. I am seven drinks in, Max. All right. It's a problem. 11. 15. Hey, man. Hey. It's been a good night, man. It's been fun, brother. Yeah, man. We don't ever do this anymore. We don't do it enough. It's a good time, man. I'll tell you who we got right now. Robert and Paul, couple of farmers. That ain't no farm.
Yeah, man. Yeah, it's cool. Want to go rollerblading? It's cool to feel different, man. We are good actors, man. Hey, man. Describe to me what your dick looks like. Hey, man. What's that hog look like? You're the top part. You're crazy, man. You are, man. You're asking about my dick? Yeah, man. Just curious. We're identical twin brothers. We have the same dick. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That'd be crazy. I never even really thought about that. We should look at him.
Can you... Because, like, our faces look alike. Our hair looks alike. Is it going to work? Our bodies look alike. Is it going to work? We got the same size feet. It's nuts, dude. I could, like, put my... I could put my shoes on your feet right now and they'd fit, dude. We should see each other's dick, man. It's the one... It's like the last frontier. We'll see if everything is the same. Okay, hold on. And then you take them off and then you look at it and you get the information that you need, but don't, like...
Don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information. And then you just go, same Robert, Robert, did you hear Max's pitch name? One flaw. No, hold on. I want you to Robert. I want you to try something just as an exercise. Will you be Robert Max? You be Paul.
Yeah. And Robert, I want you to try to do your version of what Max just did to see if you can get to see your brother's dick, but do it in your world. Wait, I'm the brother? You're the brother. Yeah. Robert, the way Max was kind of leading it, let's see if there's a world you can be influenced by that and we can help with it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. I'll give it a try. All right. Good luck, buddy. All right. All right. So hold on. Just to be clear, how old are we?
32. 32, and I live in Kansas. And what do you guys do in Kansas? What kind of stuff? I play a lot of music. What's my height and weight? 4'11", 350. Mostly hog. That works. Okay. All right, Robert. Don't make this a fantasy. Can I see you, Dickie? Yes! 4'11", 350. By the way, you know who's got it? Kate Cartwheel. I'm sure. Robert, go ahead.
Hey, buddy. How about another drink there? Oh, thanks, Robert. Appreciate it. More than usual we're having tonight. Look at us. Look at us. Oh, man. How about them Chiefs? How about them, huh? Patrick Mahomes. Yeah, Patrick Mahomes. All right. So...
It's a little hot out here. I'm thinking about maybe taking my shirt off. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Shit, man, I'll take my shirt off too. You're right, man. I feel better. It's awful quiet today, bro. It's still real warm, isn't it? It's still real warm. Yeah, dude. This place is hot as shit. They got to open up some windows in this motherfucker. I mean, you can take your pants off. Oh, man. Goddamn. We're brothers after all. Nah, man. I was thinking the same thing.
Let me just hold on real quick. I got this new belt. Shit. Oh, hell yeah. This feels much better just sitting here in our underpants. It's cool that nobody's saying anything either. They're letting us be us. They know we're brothers. We're not friends. We look really, really similar, don't we? That's because we're identical twins, my brother, and I love you.
Are we perfectly identical in every way, you think? Well, I'm looking at you right now. Everything looks the same to me. Gosh almighty. Let me say something. You're handsome, too. That's very nice of you to say. Are we identical in every way, you think? Well, I'm looking at you. You're looking at me, man. For sure. Look at us. I mean, there are some differences, I guess. But, you know, I mean, like my eyebrows feel a little bit differently. But I don't know. What do you mean, man?
That was a cool noise. Are you circumcised? What? Am I what? Have another drink. You just said a word I don't know. You don't know what that word means? You said something about a circumtise, what? Circumcised. I'm sorry, brother. I don't know what you're talking about. Can you elaborate?
That's all I got, man. Oh, Robert! Robert, keep going. I promise you, finish it off. Finish it. You're right there. Back in, back in. Do you want me to describe what circumcision is to you? Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what that means. When you're a little boy or a baby, when you're first born, they cut your foreskin off. Do you know what foreskin is? I sure don't.
Well, maybe we'll do a Google search together here and I'll show you the difference. Yeah, I'll look it up right now. But why are you guys in your underpants? Robert, you led the horse to water and then you kicked it in its ass. You don't get a guy in his underpants in a bar and then do a Google search. Pick a lane. If you do, do that with your car.
with your clothes on man although it is a nice it's nice it's nice to picture i gotta tell you that was my favorite reenactment we've done without question that was as why robert your timing is excellent it's really weird stuff don't sleep on paul's timing agreed paul's incredible yeah but i know paul i know yeah you're right i know paul's i'm a diehard paul guy i don't know robert uh so robert why didn't you finish
It's just awkward. How do I tell my brother that? It's awkward. Agreed, man. Here, hold on. Let's help you out. Gareth, you take over. Okay. All right. I'm Paul. So hold on. Is this a scientific thing? Well, this is hygienic. Why can't you use all these big... Well, it's a good way to keep it clean. It's like...
You know, like, you ever watch, like, 600 Pound Sisters? A lot of stuff gets caught under the layers of skin. Keep what clean? The tip. Oh? The penis. The penis's tip. Oh, come on, man. No, I'm serious. I know. Well, I don't know why I got us naked, to be honest. I kind of...
You said it was hot as shit. It is hot as shit. I feel good in our underpants. I'm hot. I was hot, too, man. I felt good. I'm just sitting here in my underpants, and now you're talking about I'm a dick, and you're making it all weird. Well, just the tip is sometimes the doctor takes the tip so that in future, it's not as hard to keep it clean. And did the doctor take your tip? I don't know. I got something, Robert. Hold on. Wait. This is the moment. This is the moment. My tip's gone, so I have no tip left.
Looks like a helmet. Maybe I should look at mine again. Yeah, get it out. Let's maybe look at it together. Let's look at it together. And I'll tell you if you have yours circumcised or not. Okay. Let me just quickly tell everyone in the bar to look away. Yeah, give them a heads up.
Hey, man, don't look over here. All right. I think that's the move. I don't think so. Jake was in Video Village writing notes the whole time. But I actually think this led us to something that could work, Robert, but it's really weird. Drug him. That's another option. But I think what this could work, there's one guy, if there's a medical condition you're going through, there's one person who could help you out.
Your twin. It's like a liver donor. It's like he's a perfect match. And you could say you're having something that's happening with your genitals. And you're asking, as in a really embarrassing flavor, can he take a photo or can you see his dick to see if there's what's happening? The rash on his is abnormal or what have you. So you're asking as like a we're the same thing.
but I want to know if you're having the same thing that I'm having. And I think it's because of being circumcised. And I think your wife said you're not. And I'm wondering if it was a big mistake that I did and a mistake I did for my kid. Are you experiencing this? And maybe show him a photo of the tip of yours and be like, that's where it gets. Does it look like this? And he goes, no. And I go, what's different? And he goes, I got skin going over. And then you realize,
Oh, we have different dicks. Then the question becomes, why did mom and dad do this? But if you go over that buildup you did with the first Robert and Paul, that felt really weird to me, my man. The really slow rhythm that you guys drinking beer. It was a well day, wasn't it? Which I enjoyed. I think you're alone in this. I don't think so. It was a good take. But I will say, Robert, I think there's a world where you can blame this idea of
of you have a question about your penis it's embarrassing he's the only guy who can answer it where you could say like do you have this blank issue guys what do you think of that
As they were looking for a solution here. I like it. I also think if we're going to go the conversation route, I know I pitched it. I think get a look at it. I think the best way to do it is to get a look at it at a urinal. But the wives have already been talking about this a little bit, right? This is where the information came from. I hear what you're saying. So why not have your wife talk to his wife and be like, hey, I just want to make sure we're clear just because...
I think you might be right. Robert is cut. Paul did not have the tip of his penis cut. Hey, Robert, what do you think about using the wife's to have this talk? It's normal girl gabs. I mean, yeah, it is pretty normal girl gab. You're right about that. Especially if you guys aren't around. Just default it to them. Robert, I'm also going to ask a totally different question. What are you going to do with the information once you get it? That's the second part of this. I don't know what to do.
Wait. What does it matter? Write a song about it? I don't understand.
There's two situations. Either he is and he just doesn't know what he's talking about or he's not. And then we need to know why. If he's not, it opens up a big can of worms about your family in a real way. If he doesn't know what circumcision is, kind of who cares? He might be a little bit. Yeah, whatever. His light bulb might be a little dim. Who cares? If your parents circumcised one of you and not the other and never told you.
You ever seen the documentary three identical twins? Oh my Lord. Yeah. Just weird stuff. You can do with identical twins. Yeah. That isn't about their penises. No, but that, these are questions I would ask mom and dad. Then my, my advice to you, Robert is I think you trying to do the weird, let's take our shirts off our pants off. It's hot in here. It's going to put you in Paul in a bad spot. It's fun. It's fun. It was a lot of fun to be around. It was the hardest I've laughed in a while. I think it might be the hardest I've left on the show, but I don't think it's the move. Uh,
I like the idea of medical procedure. It's hard. It's hard to do photos of it. I think Gareth is right. I think you... His wife is leading out very firmly. He is not circumcised. She might not know what it is. So that if your wife goes...
My husband is 100% circumcised. I don't understand why he wouldn't be. And then if she says he's not, then you could Google it together. The wife's. And she could say, his dick is like that. Then if you find out, you and Paul together can go to mom and dad and just go, hey, on the show, please, as a follow-up. Please. I'd never wanted to follow up more. We will literally pay for your follow-up. This is when I'd go to Kansas. Yeah.
But the next step, Robert, is going to mom and dad because the why on this, if it's to tell you apart, that's about as weird as it gets. And if it's not, what happened? The doctor died? Yeah. Like there's no reason. Lightning strikes. There's no reason. But so, Robert, will you ask your wife to take the lead on this? I can do that. I'm also kind of leaning a two-pronged approach.
What's the other prong? What's prong two? I thought about what you mentioned earlier about filling them full of liquids and then trying to get a peak. Listen, let's do both. Let's do both. Okay.
Let's do both. Hey, worst case scenario, you find out what his dick looks like twice. Agreed. Robert, I can't think of one thing that's bad about you, my man. No, Robert, listen. If you're ever in L.A., do not... You want a career? You want to hang out? You want to stay with Jake in his garage where he has a jujitsu man?
So, Robert, will you genuinely please follow up with us? Are you going to start with getting him drunk and get a look at that hog? Or are you going to start with the wives? I think I'll start with trying to get a peek. Okay. Robert, I mean this. I'm really proud of you. Okay. So, after the peek works or doesn't work, how are you going to do the peek? Will you walk us through actually what you're going to do? I think it's just as simple as we're both out.
out eating somewhere or out at a bar and then if it's a
bathroom with two urinals. I mean, it could be anywhere. Well, you make sure that you take them to a place that's trough-based. But it's like the godfather. You need to set it up. You need to have the right bathroom then. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, you definitely got to make sure. You call the place. You know, you ask a question they've never been asked before. Hey, do your urinals have dividers? There's kind of an open space for men to whip their penis whistle. Oh, it's open now. Can I make a reservation for tonight at 8? Yeah.
And then once he goes in, then I'll just follow. Yep. You very simply do the, ah, I'll hit it too. And then go right next to him, keep talking, and get a look at his deck. Yep. Robert, we appreciate the call, buddy. Keep us very posted. Thank you. Thanks, pal. Keep it posted. Right on, Robert. Good luck. God bless. This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.
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My name's Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Where are you calling from, Sarah? I'm calling from Utah. Utah. And how old are you, Sarah? I'm 23. Hey, did you ever watch New Girl? I did. You did? Well, we got Schmitty here! Hey, Sarah! Schmitty Biggs is here! I'm really excited! Don't stop! Bring him back!
So Sarah, what can you, what can we do for me? Utah 23. Uh, what's the issue today? The floor is yours. A couple months ago, I bought a leopard gecko. Um, I don't know if you know what that is, but it's a really common pet. They are spotty. They always have a really derpy face. They're so cute. So I always wanted one. They're a lizard. Oh, but with the spot, I told my,
I told my husband's family all about it, which his little cousin, let's name him Timmy, proceeded to ask if I ever go on vacation, if he could watch the lizard. And I said, oh, of course, I'm actually going to Hawaii in May. You can watch it then.
A couple months go by, we put our house up for sale. So I decided it'd be easier just to sell the lizard. So I did. I sold her in late March. Until two days ago, I went to a barbecue, a family barbecue. And the little boy runs up to me, Timmy, and he says, when am I watching the gecko? I know it's this month. I've been raising dubia roaches to feed the gecko as a pet. Okay.
So he's been prepping for months for this. And me, being the awkward person I am, said that, oh, that will be so fun. Just pretending like I hadn't just sold the gecko a month and a half ago. Sarah. So now I leave on May...
21st and they're expecting me to drop a gecko off on the 20th. So what should I do? The most things I've come up with is just telling them that it died. Pretty good. Two quick questions. How old is Timmy?
Kimmy is about six. Six. Man, okay. That's going to be hard to disappoint a six-year-old. And what were you talking about with the roaches? He's raising roaches to feed the gecko. The little boy is? Let me tell you something. I have two dogs. My kids don't do shit. Yeah.
This kid is raising roaches. He's ready for his own gecko. Can you have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, is it time for Timmy to have his own gecko? I like that. Well, they had told him if he did a good job watching my gecko, they would think about giving him his own gecko. But you can have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, this is what happened. They'll understand your side of it. And then maybe...
We get Timmy his own gecko. Clearly, he's a responsible kid. Yeah, but here's the catch. What if Timmy's not ready for it and the parents don't want the gecko? Does Sarah take the gecko back then? No. I mean, look, you know how you find out if you're not ready for the gecko? The gecko dies. I'm not rooting for it, but, you know, that's life in the fast lane. So, Sarah, Max's pitch is...
You asked the family to buy a gecko. When you said you sold it, what are these thoughts? If you want to take responsibility, Sarah can buy the gecko for the child. Quick question. When you said you sold it on the market, what does a gecko run for? Is it $10? Is it $500? It's a wild question. What's a leopard gecko? Well, it needs at least a 20-gallon tank. Okay, but you have a tank.
I had one. Oh, you sold everything. I rehomed the Gecko. Oh, okay. So how much... So the Gecko is gone. So when you sold everything, how much cash did that person from Craigslist give to you in your garage? About $300. Okay. $300 in your world is pretty significant. Yes? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, we're right out of college. So spending $300 for little Timmy is not really what you want to do right before you go to Hawaii and piss a bunch of money on drinks and food in a hotel. Yeah, it's not. It's not ideal. And you said talk to the parents. I had already essentially lied to her too because she was like, oh, I just need to know the plan. And I just said,
Well, I'm leaving the 21st because I'm an awkward person. Yes, I get it. That leads us to the pitch that I think you had, which is that the gecko dies. The gecko died.
I think you have to deliver some bad. Well, what the fuck else are we going to do? I mean, this kid is raising goddamn roaches. Take responsibility for your for your lives and own up to it. Well, you know what show you're on, you idiot. What do you think this is, Dr. Phil? You're not here to hurt. So. So hold on. Let me just click because I'm with you, Sarah, on this one.
You had a gecko, a little leopard guy. You spent about 300 bucks. You had the whole system. Little Timmy got excited. You said free babysitter. Yes. The parents will help.
You then were moving. You didn't want to move away that you sold it. You got 300 bucks. What'd you put into this whole get go? Did you just break even or was there a profit on this little guy? This is not a shark tanky. Um, I actually lost money on it. Okay. So you lost a little bit of money. Then it's coming up. And in the moment, will you walk us through why you lied? Yes.
And I don't have any judgment. I just want to kind of get a sense of that moment. I have quite severe anxiety. And my husband decided he wasn't going to go to the barbecue. So you went solo. Whose party is this that you went to that your husband didn't? Your family?
No, it's his family. It was his brother's graduation party. So first of all, he screwed you, but that's not what this call's about. So you go to a party, your goddamn anxiety is spiking. If I'm you, stay away from the cheese. You're going to get spider bites. I'm not even there for one minute when...
And the aunt comes up to me and was like, so I need to know all the details. And she said, Timmy is going to come and ask you because we've been working on his words to come and ask you this hard question of when you're going to drop the gas. And walk me through your anxiety level at this moment. Are you a 10 out of 10? Oh, man. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm okay. I was already working myself in the car. I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go get a hamburger. I'm going to leave.
By the way, are you me? Yeah, what are you? I mean, honestly. I feel a lot of anxiety. I'm going to go get four hamburgers, then I'm going to eat a bowl of that weird chili. I'm going to freak everyone out and then get in the car and go home. Then I might go, hard seltzers aren't really alcohol. Drink about nine of them and go, after eight they are. Take a bag of Snyder's, eat them in the car. Nobody knows. Hey, yeah, Sarah. Hey, Timmy, I'm a gecko. Take care of me. I'm not eating roaches. Stay away from Sarah. Stay away from Sarah. Everyone back away from Sarah. Sarah.
So your thought is, I'm going to eat a hamburger. I'm going to do the rounds. I'm going to do the right thing by my partner, my husband, and I'm going to get out of here. This little boy bombards you. Yes. And what does this little guy say? So he, you know, is hiding behind his mom. He finally gets up the courage to say, when are you going to drop the gecko off? I'm so excited. What was the gecko's name? You don't have to worry about food. Sarah, what do we call this little lizard? The gecko's name.
It was Binks after Jar Jar Binks. Okay, so he's like, when do I get my hands up? Equal success level with this gecko and Jar Jar, I'd say. So he goes, when do I get my hands on this lizard? And you go, what? I go, I leave on the 21st. I don't mention the gecko. I just say, this is when I leave. And then what happens? And then he's like, well, great. Don't worry about food. I've been raising roaches for it. That's a turn, dude. Jesus Christ.
That's going to shatter. This is a nightmare. I'm throwing the hamburger on the ground at that point. I'm out of here. Sarah. I've been raising roaches, and you hadn't asked him to do this.
No, no. I had told him that leopard geckos are hard because they have to eat live food. Fuck. Let me ask you this, Sarah. Do you have any contact with the person you sold the gecko to? Good question. None at all. I thought about finding someone who would rent me a gecko, but it's really hard to find someone who will rent their gecko. I don't think there's a big business for renting geckos in Texas.
Yeah. And I like to invest in bad businesses. I don't see an upside there. It means you might want to throw a little money in the gecko market, if I'm being honest. Yeah, but like rent a gecko. The kind of person that wants to rent one. That's one in a million. Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah. Okay, so we're in a situation where the trip is coming up. You have told a lie. You got to get out of it. This little boy is very excited. He started a roach farm. There's talk that his family might do it, but we don't know if they're going to follow through. You might have to ghost them.
It can't. It's his husband's family. I honestly think I'm going back to the beginning here, Sarah, and a tragedy. I think it had to die because I was going to pitch the idea of like a fake one that you get a little. Yeah, but he's going to. But then he's going to think it. He's going to see a cage full of roaches and be like, Binks isn't eating. Binks is going hungry as roaches are just overtaking this little aquarium. Or here's an idea. Here's a weird one.
You get a little tank and you get like a little enclosure and you say they're very shy. You can't interrupt them if they're in the enclosure. This is absolutely insane. And you get a little thing of like clay in the corner of it so he can see the outline. A clay base? And you go like, so they're very nervous. He might not come out, but you just put the roaches in there if he wants to eat his mouth. Just wait. And then after a few days you come back and you go...
You go, great. And he goes, how was it? He never came out. And you go like, oh, well, he sometimes does that. Well, as long as nobody looks. Listen, if we're not going the route of being honest and owning up to it, and we're going to put a lie on the lie, you've got to sell it. And I think you get a tattoo of the. R.I.P. Binks. Yeah, R.I.P. Binks. Just a Binks tattoo. And then you say, hey, little boy Timmy. Hey, little guy. Hey, little guy.
You know how you have to back out of the driveway? Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. And you know, we just got that new Dodge Ram. Okay. The car? Yeah. Okay. Wait, Max, are you Sarah?
Oh, I dipped into Paul a little bit there. You dipped into the hot draft. Cool cowboy vibes. I didn't know who that guy was. Why are your clothes off? Are you a circumcised little guy? This is Sarah Utah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. That's not a gecko at all. And it ain't dead either.
Hey, so you know how we rented the Sienna for the last couple months? The car? Yeah. We love it. We fit so much stuff in there. We drive around. Anyway, we have to back out of the driveway. At your house? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you know.
Sometimes you know how we let Binks run out in the front yard. That's dangerous. Well, Binks loves it. I can't wait to meet Binks again because I have all the roaches ready to go. He's going to eat so well while you're gone. That's the thing. Exciting. We were pulling out of the driveway and we'd forgotten to put Binks back in the house. Oh, no. No. Don't say it. Your dad ran over Binks. Wait, my dad did? Yeah.
Why was my dad over at your house? That was a turn, Sarah. Watch. Because, Sarah, if we're going to do this, don't put it on you. My dad was over at your house and he ran over Pink. Yeah, and I knew how badly he would feel about it. So I didn't tell him. Is Binks okay? I didn't do it. Is Binks okay? Binks is dead. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. But I had all the roaches.
Save them. They'll be useful for something. What will they be useful for? Maybe they could be your pets. What? You can take care of the roaches. You can name them. You can give them all Star Wars names. Sarah, what do you think about honestly telling the family that Binks died? Is that a path you're comfortable with? I feel like it might be one of my only options.
Great change of voice there. That was you were not comfortable. This is a situation. Yes. You don't want to hurt this little kid. No, I get it. But the kid's going to get hurt. And here's why, Sarah. So Max is pushing towards this is so easy. This is obvious. Just tell the truth. Right. And own up to your lie.
Is that correct? Yes. And so that version, Sarah, is you calling Timmy's mom and saying, hey, I sold binks like two months ago at the party. I had anxiety and I lied to you. It's now coming up, but there's no binks. Then that mom is going to go, what the fuck? Because now I have to say to my, I have to handle your mess because your lie.
So you could do that or you could do the other lie. And that is you just call the parents and you say, I've got very bad news. Binks died. Or. Or. Or. Or. Please. To your weird clay gecko. Yeah. Get a fake one. Okay.
Put it on a rock in the fucking thing. Yeah. Take it over there. Yeah, keep going. Don't listen to Max. Keep going. This might be right. Timmy killed the gecko. Interesting. Tim, you brought over a living gecko. That's going to traumatize the guy, huh? We are... What are we going to do here? We're in a danger zone. There's no... This kid is...
We're hurting Timmy. So Sarah. Forget about Timmy. You hurt yourself when you made the lie. Agreed. And you're only going to make it worse if you keep on lying. Keep lying. First of all, I thought your reaction as the mom was super intense. You do? Yeah. Really? Yes. It was like a friendship ender. Now here's not a friendship ender to me. If somebody said to my kid, my kid's all excited. And then they said as soon as they sold it, we sold it. Fine.
This lady came to my house, ate a hamburger, told my kid it's coming up. All right. This is a weird lie. I know. I'm Sarah and I go to the mom. Okay. I'm the mom? Yeah. Okay. So Sarah, how quick until this trip starts? I just need these facts. 21st, right? You're leaving in about two weeks. Yeah. So when was the barbecue when you lied?
Two days ago. Okay. Fresher than I thought. Fresher than I thought. Yeah. Imagine how annoying Timmy has been to this mom. Keep that in mind. All this fucking kid talks about is this Geico. Sure. And the roaches. Okay. Hey, honey. Hey, mom. I'm not your mom. I know, but you're Timmy's mom and I need to talk to you. Schmitty, get out of here. Okay.
I want to talk to you about my anxiety. I don't know you that well. I have a mental health issue. And sometimes I've... It's...
You know the gecko I had? Binks, yeah. My son's very excited. Timmy is so excited. I know. He's raising these roaches. I know he is. It is a whole thing. I know he is. I'm not excited about it. We got rid of the binks, the spotted gecko. We got rid of it. What do you mean? We got rid of it. We were moving it, whatever. I was moving the house, and we needed to get rid of it, and so we don't have it anymore. But because of my anxiety. When did you sell it? I don't know. A month ago?
Why didn't you tell me I would have fucking bought it from my son? Because I didn't fucking think of you the moment I sold the thing. I was thinking about the house. Well, you had a financial crisis. The first thing you got to do is sell a lizard. Get a job, bitch. You told my kid he's been raising roaches. You sell it a month ago. You're telling me right now like it's normal? I'll buy the roaches off of him. I'm offering to buy the roaches. Fine, the roaches cost $5,000. Come on, the roaches don't cost $5,000. The roaches...
You had an opportunity. You know we're thinking about getting a lizard. What are you on drugs? You're a drug addict? You got it? What do you sell it in an alley? I'll go right back to this. You sell a lizard in an alley? Not my selling a lizard! Your little boy came up to me and he was all red. My little boy is making roaches. He's the most annoying little shit I've ever met in my entire life. What kind of kid raises roaches? Hi, Sarah.
Hey, Timmy. Hi. This is your kind of aunt. Why are you yelling? Oh, we just got worked up, honey. So, Sarah, is there anything you want to say to Timmy? Can't wait to see Binks. Anything that you want to say? Yes. Sarah, go ahead. Timmy, Binks died.
Because of your dad. Sarah, thank you very well. Very good. She knows. Please follow up. Wait, are you going to actually, what are you going to really do really fast? Oh yeah. I think I'm going to say that Dink's died. Yeah. And since my husband was the reason this happened, I'm going to blame it on him.
May I add another layer? Oh, because your husband brought up Timmy. No, my husband led golfing. So he's the reason. Oh, because he wasn't at the party. That's why it's his fault. Yeah, so if he was there, I could have done it. I could have told the truth. I think that's right. Okay. So Gareth, what were you going to say? Well, I think that works. I was going to say, have your husband deliver the news.
Put it all on him. He's closer. He's got more of a track record. It's his fault. He relates to them. The bad news is, is that this is why you get married. The lizard, the lizard passed away from natural causes. Yeah. What do you think of that? Or do you want to do it?
Oh, I'm not going to do it. Okay, so... Jesus Christ, I thought it was an option. You really... I didn't realize... I mean, we did like five reenactments where you're delivering the news. You don't want to jump in at one point and let us know that wasn't the plan. I didn't realize it wasn't an option. You heard how it played out. It was horrible every time. I'm not doing any of this shit. No, my husband is the only option. I'm going to go with the clay option. By the way, I already told him I just wanted to call the show. Why don't you make one of those cakes, those hyper-realistic cakes? We need a hologram. Okay.
And then when he discovers it's dead, he'd just take a big bite of it. He'd go, he's delicious. Oh, my God. Traumatize him. Make a cake lizard. It's chocolate. He was like, that pig's just chocolate.
So, Sarah, the final advice is you're going to and the thing you said you're going to do is you're going to have your husband tell the family that the Geico has died. The Gecko. Is that true? The Gecko. What did I say? Geico. Geico. You're doing the insurance. Free ad. Yes. Or buy a new Gecko. Those are the same. Well, you are. You are a real. If you're going to buy a new one. Let's go. Is that a real option?
I thought about it and then telling them that they could buy it from me. Yes. I like that. Hold on. That's actually a real play.
You buy. He's very into the finances. Yes. Jake right now. Yeah. But here's a real. I'm not trying to get a profit. No, you want to cut. Yes, you are. I mean, I'll make a little bit of something. So we're $300 all in. If you sell the thing. Can I get $300? But Sarah, this is. I want one point. So this is a real option. I want backdoor. What if you actually buy the tank, buy the thing, give it to her.
When Timmy's done, go, you did so good. Then say to the parents, if you guys are considering getting one, I would be open to sell you this, and I would just do it for what I paid, 500 bucks. How about just this? He wants one so badly. I'm kind of getting sick of it. Keep going. No, you just go, I want to buy you one. We bought you one. And if it's okay with the parents. She doesn't want to go down to 300 bucks.
I think you do it. I think you buy it. She's trying to get the carrots to reimburse. Sell it. Sell it to them. But that's fine. You go afterwards. You go, how was it? And here's the way. You know what you could do? Go ahead. You could front load that plan by saying, hey, look, I think let's do the trial run where he looks after it. And then do you guys just want to buy it off me after the Hawaii trip? What if they say no? Then you say it's a natural cause. Yes. You say, listen, this is going to sound crazy, but it died. Or-
I mean, that's really it. That's it. That's the end of my pitch. - Sam, here's what I really think. Here's what I really, in my heart of hearts, believe. We've led you to some weird ones. I wouldn't do the clay one. That feels really crazy. If you get caught, you're in a danger zone in that community. - Oh yeah, you're a legend. - The lying about dying feels really strange to me. Here's what I would actually do if I were you. I would text the parents
and say, I'm not against selling it to you guys at cost, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, if he's into it. And so this could be a trial run. I'm kind of done with my gecko phase of life. And so if he's already raising them, the parents know they're eventually gonna buy a fucking system for this gecko. So afterwards you just say, how'd it go? They go, good. And you go, look, the whole thing could just be yours. It's 300 bucks. And they go, great.
I mean, whatever you want to say in the last second. I like that. Let your hamburger anxiety take over. Yeah, yeah. How much is it? $25? I got a callback wire. I'll pay you. But Sarah, what do you think of just fucking going for it? Because we don't want to hurt Timmy. Getting him a fucking gecko. What if you go with the clay one? But...
You don't give him the clay one. You take the clay one with you to Hawaii, and you take pictures of you with the clay one. You're taking the get-go. You weekend at Bernie's this thing. And then...
You let them know on the weekend of pink season. Oh, my. I forgot to drop it off. It's been evidence. We left him in Hawaii. He wanted to stay. He was so happy. He met all of his relatives and other iguanas and shit. And then he drank the sea water. You left him there. It was beautiful. How could I bring him back? Or I tried to bring him back. He was finally home. He's a natural habitat. They killed him at customs. Is that your pitch, Jake?
So, Sarah, now with these new round of pitches, what do you think you're going to do? Is there any world you're going to just buy it and go for it? Because I think what's going to happen is they're going to love it. Timmy's going to crush his weekend. His little roaches are going to be perfect. He's going to fall in love. The parents are going to go. I mean, it's the best literally growing roaches. The best twist is the roaches kill the gecko. Yes. But what do you think of that as a plan with the idea?
Afterwards, you figure out a fair price and you sell to them. Would you think about doing that? Where are you at? Yes. I've actually been looking on Craigslist to see if there's anybody that already has a whole setup that is looking to get rid of it.
Okay. That I can just pick up and then take to their house. Why don't you get them a really small cage just for the weekend, like a little starter kit, and they can then buy whatever they want after. Go to PetSmart and get a $20 little home for it. Say you broke the other one. It cracked. Or you don't want to travel with it. Sure. That's a good idea. But you just get one of those little travel cheap ones, and then you go, this is just for the weekend, and then go, you want it to fucking get good? What do you spend? What do you go to PetSmart, buy one of those lizards for $18? That's not a $300 creature.
It's $340. So $40 and a $15 thing, it's already got its food. You're $65 in. But what do you think about that? Go and spend $40 on the little lizard, $15 on the little cage, bringing it there for the weekend. If they want to get another big cage, fucking go for it. I like that. I do too. I think I'll do that. Sarah, I think this is the best way out of a very weird hamburger lie. Yes. That's why I called this podcast. Well, we are happy. Listen, it's been a great two hours. Yeah.
I never thought I'd say gecko so many goddamn times. And we appreciate it. And appreciate. Max, we appreciate you. Thank you, Max. Sarah, hopefully we helped you. Keep us posted, Sarah. I think you did. This is insane. But are you going to actually do this?
Oh, yeah. I'm probably going to go to PetSmart now. Thank you. I think this is going to be a happy ending, especially for Demi. Not for Binks. He passed away. Me too. Okay. Thank you so much, guys. Bye. Thanks, bud. Okay. Bye.
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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. We hope you enjoyed this edited chat with our guest after the calls. To hear the full extended convo, make sure to check out our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod. Enjoy! What was being directed by Seinfeld like? The best. Really? What's he... So... It was... I didn't realize... Like, I mean, I was always a huge fan of the show. Yes, of him. And of him.
But I didn't totally do the math internally how much he had influenced everything that I had done. - Interesting. - And so when we were doing New Girl and I was always saying like, I mean from the very beginning when we started that show, I was like, this is all fun and games but we should really just knock out a wall and put a live studio audience there and then we'd be making a real show. - But you acted like that and changed the way I acted like that and it worked.
Well, for that show. And I certainly had a very specific tone on New Girl. And we joke about this. Dave and Brett, who were running the show at the time, they would come in and they would be like, Max, please just do one take like a human boy.
and when i would get that note i would go oh i'm doing i'm because i'm doing exactly what i need to be doing like this yeah right i'm right in the zone yeah and it was my i mean it was my favorite and so that when we started working on him for us and because the way that like i was situated and positioned in that movie where it was really just amy and i yeah and we were
basically for the most part in these really sort of contained scenes and Jerry was directing so he didn't have to think about acting at all and he would come in we'd rehearse it, they'd block it out and then he had like four or five Seinfeld writers which is also amazing who were coming in and rewriting it very much like you do on a multicam which at this point I had been on for five, six years and so I was like I'm so comfortable here
and I'm getting to do the exact thing that I want, like the tone that I want to be doing. Fucking cool, man. With Jerry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was, you know, and on day one, we get him to laugh. And from that point on, it was just, it was on. It was the greatest. I got a question for you, actually, that I've talked about
without you on but how did you know the tone of new girl before the rest of us because obviously zoe and i thought we were doing freaks and geeks yeah and we talked about this yeah liz i think was all over the place she was kind of the genius but she was doing all shows finkel was more like when you say finkel and brett finkel was more in your camp but brett was more in the me and zoe camp
I think they all but you knew what you were doing. I think they knew too you did Yeah, and I think I think I mean it's it's structurally was was is no different than most TV shows You had like you can like Big Bang's a good example. You brought this up. I remember it you had Johnny Galecki and and Kaley Cuoco were doing their their things and establishing that relationship which is the centerpiece of the show right and
But you need the third piece, which is Jim Parsons. Totally right. Because if you're on a half hour on network TV, it's like the love story is nice, but we build that over time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need like the... The jokes. The jokes, the punchline guy. And that balances out. And you ride with the punchline jokes, the punchline guy, until you catch up with the love story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so...
it wasn't even that i understood the tone of the show it's that it was very evident what you guys were doing i would never forget i walked by the monitor one day and you and zoe were doing like some toothbrush thing right and you were like oh my god this is you guys were like it was so clear and you guys were doing incredible work and it was subtle and it was really nice and you were like this is you know this is sam and diane this is every great love story on a network tv show
And I go, okay, that's that part of the show. And then I think it was like, I forget what episode it was. It was early on, but I had to do that thing where you guys walk in to the room and I'm like trying to figure out where...
I look sexiest in my bedroom. Yes. This is like episode two or three. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like pushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you guys are just down there like going, what is happening here? Well, I remember we talked about it. I was like, I don't get what show you're on or what show I'm on. But that was your reaction not only in real life but in the scene. Yes. And then everybody's coming in and they're going, oh, this is good. And I go, okay, great. This is what they want this to be. Yes. And also-
- Yeah, he didn't know what he was doing. - And they had put him on a shelf. They had told us they put him on a shelf. So it was really just the three of us. - Yeah, you're not wrong. - And so that was the structure. - Hannah hadn't started really. - No, she wasn't even a regular on the show at that point. It was just the three of us. And I was like, if this is the three of us. - This is the thing. - Yeah, it was like, you have to balance the tones. - But where do you, Mags, so,
when did you realize oh this is a uh fucking real arc here because you would then lean into that because i thought at the beginning if you remember we thought for sure it was going to be damon and her uh damon and hannah from the oh yeah yeah it was very clear there and then schmidt was kind of bouncing around as the funny guy then when lamorne came for some reason it was very clear it ain't gonna be lamorne i don't know why but it ain't gonna be these two but we
But we got a woman whose character is straight up a model. Yeah. And she was... Her contract was something like 13 out of 12. She's going to be around. It can't just be with Zoe on her adventures. Yeah. But there was a moment when it started. Well, Liz and Brett and Dave were super smart in that they just let the show sort of play out and then wrote to what they were sort of seeing on film. You're totally right. And I think...
And smartly, I think they noticed, oh, I think we can do more with my character than just make him like the woman on the show. And like, he's got a new girl. And it was like, what if we put him with everything seemed to be working really well with Hannah's character. And so I think and what ended up happening was, which I think was great, was they put us together and, you know, they gave us some obstacles in the beginning and it was hit or miss. And then. But.
It allowed you guys, they sped our relationship up in order to slow yours down. Oh, that's interesting. And so if you look at like all of the big things that happened or a lot of the big things that happened, like we were the set piece for a lot of big moments for you guys. So it was like CeCe and Schmidt's wedding is a moment for Nick and Jess. Oh, right. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Schmidt and CC or whatever, like whatever they're like, they're getting engaged. These things are happening in these big, big story. What would be like a movie, right?
We get to play out the Jess, Nick stuff within that, and that creates the set piece for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I really love that dynamic. Yeah, me too. It was fun. And I think it all was in service of that relationship. Yeah. I actually think it was all in service. And when I look back on that show, and we've talked about it off air, but the hit that that thing has done on Netflix and its new life, I didn't see happening.
By the end of our show, we did not get big ratings. We were not, we didn't all go on Conan in director's chairs and get a big applause. It wasn't a big ending. So the fact that it's had this whole second life has given me time to like actually learn like gratitude about it and appreciation as opposed to like fun job, a lot of good bits.
Von Gubernatorial and Max! And being like, I'm 45 and there's a new person who loves the show? Yeah, it's cool. You're like, pretty fucking cool, man. Yeah, and I think we lived on Netflix for a really long time. And I joke about this with my daughter who's now 14. Crazy. She's 14. She's just...
The kids all know about it at that age, but they're not like fully into it. Interesting. It's like they're just before. It's really college kids. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah.
Because they're in their dorms. They've got nothing to do. And also, you know, I think there was... I also think there was an insane influx of people who were introduced to that show during COVID. Pandemic changed everything. I'm just going to watch all of it. Well, they missed having a group of friends. Totally. Who were nice to each other and all came together at the end. But because it's so available now, I think, you know, you get these, like...
there's always going to be new college kids and they're gonna and they're gonna always discover it and it's gonna be super weird because you know we're gonna be 60 years like if not soon and there's gonna be like you know 23 year old girls who are coming up like this 29 and i'm gonna be like this oh my god 48 brother you know what's gonna be funny 62 you know we talked about it before we were all like you know little about it whatever this idea of like
Will there ever be a something? You know, we're like, I don't know what it means. There's eventually one day the rubber's going to meet the road and we're all going to be together doing something. I don't know what it is. The old girl. But whatever that bit, whatever that thing is, if it keeps living, look, if it's on Hulu and then it eventually dies out, it'll go away. But if people do keep finding it,
The idea of what that reunion would be, it's not going to be three episodes. It's not going to do what Will and Grace did. I don't think New Girl will ever go away. Yes, you don't. No, no, no, no. So this is what I'm saying about it. So you even said when we first started with season one, I was having a freak out. It's too much work for me. I couldn't keep up with the lines. I was just stopping with weed, but I was drinking so much. It was too much for me. I was losing it. You also were in a tough position because...
Zoe's the lead of the show. Yes. So I was in her stories. And you had to ground her stories. Yes. And you're watching me run around and bounce off walls and hit every punchline. And the writers are just like giving me joke after joke after joke after joke after joke. And I remember you were like, I'm
Do they not think I'm funny? Yeah. What do I need to do here? Totally. But also I was there all the time because I would be in your scenes too. Totally. So I was there all, and also before and I had no experience. So I was, I was used to being eighth on call sheet working on a Tuesday. I get it. I was like, I guess it's too much, but your position on the show was, was always like, I've been there before. We were going, what am I, what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is going on here? Totally. I don't understand. Like, but you really quick were a big part of the turn for me.
You remember the scene I'm talking about outside of the house where there was a scene where we were, I think it was parking lot or something like parking spot, something. We all had to run. We were here and they wanted in a wide shot, run to the garbage can, throw something out, run back. Every take Max did video village was given like a standing ovation. It was like a vaudevillian show where the audiences were throwing roses. Zoe was going, everyone was happy.
I was going, there'd be like a real long pause and then everyone would come back and be like, really great, great, great. Max, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they'd go, hey, Jake, you weren't running to the garbage. Before we did the take, I go like that. I did one and Jake's going, what?
And I go, Jake, watch. I'm going to do a... And I was aware. Yes. I said, I'm going to do a ridiculous one. Yeah. Even for me. Yeah. And I go, watch what happens. Literally, right before I take... He's just showing off. Watch this. And I literally did Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu cartwheels. You know what you really... Speaking of the Seinfeld, you did Kramer. Yeah. Because you would run out and then you would do like a...
Then you would spin, you'd see the garbage, you'd be like, whoa, whoa. You took every moment, heightened, heightened, heightened, big laughs. So then he said, because I was banging my head against the wall and I'm like, there's no bit, I'm just throwing something out. And he goes, listen, pretend there's a live studio audience. And he goes, can you hear him? Can you see him? We're doing it. And I was like, I got it. They're all there. I did a take to be a brat, right?
To just make Max laugh. A big part of that job was making each other laugh. Well, I mean, when it turned into that, it became the most fun. For me, hands down. When I look back, it's literally you and me. I think probably if there's a version of us not totally losing it, that...
Maybe that show's still on the air. I don't want to be on it, man. But he goes, pretend there's an audience. I do a take where I think afterwards I'm going to have a talk about my attitude problem. I'm like, it's so broad. I'm literally running like I have clown shoes on. Afterwards, Brett and Dave, yeah, that's it, man. And I had this really clear moment of like, now I'm lost.
Because I now know that's the win. That is so funny to have a clear moment of I don't know. But now my head just got cut off on the chicken and the race just started. I'm leaning in.
Oh, man. Well, before we let you go, Max, in terms of when we started New Girl season one at some point, I said, how many of these you think are going to go? And you said, we're doing at least five years and we would have moments and then you'd be right. So you said before, you're like, New Girl is going to keep coming back. What do you think is going to happen in terms of some idea of a reunion, some idea of a something? What do you think the end goal thing will be? What
What do you think it'll kind of look like that we'll all eventually do or nothing? Because I have no gut instinct. I mean, it's really where it's up to Liz. Yeah. I have no idea. What would be your gut thing that you think would be? Because we're all still like, the amount of time I still text with Zoe, with you, with Lamorne, with Hannah. It's still going in ways other projects don't. I've done movies where I really like everybody. And then everyone just kind of scatters. I think it's partly because of Netflix that we keep getting brought back.
that i'm like if you would have asked me two years ago will ever be a green i would have said a hundred thousand no's is there any talk of anything or it'll just sort of it'll get it'll keep getting like brought up randomly whenever you have to do press they'll say something and mine has always been these are ridiculous questions because it's not gonna happen so just recently with like a new generation of young people i'm like eventually something is gonna happen right i
So the New Girl writers room would do this Secret Santa every year. And it was a big deal. JJ Philman is like, this is her Super Bowl every year. It's her favorite thing in the world. And Sarah Tapscott got real into it. And they'd do this thing and they'd buy these elaborate gifts or these wild, somebody, there was a Billy Joel, insanely elaborate, truly hilarious gifts.
And it was a big deal who got who when they, anyway. So I had heard about it and the let that last season that like smaller eighth season or seventh season when we were shooting at that new studio, I go and like the writer's room was right upstairs. I go, I'm going to go to this.
And so I went up there and I watched. And everybody knew it was the last season. And JJ and Sarah are decorating the whole room. And the vibe was amazing. And everybody was so excited. And JJ had Liz. And so JJ's a neighbor. And I saw her making these things at the house, but I never put two and two together. She presents the gift to Liz. And this is on the last season.
And I'm going, oh, I vaguely remember this. And JJ had made dolls of each character. They were about like this big. And they were pretty good. But they were also sort of funny because they were clearly homemade. Watching Liz open that and start to get emotional...
and look at these ridiculous dolls. It made me realize that she is invested and always will be in this show and these characters. Right.
in a way that I will never understand. Yeah, totally. As many times as I've showed up and played that character, I can't even see how she sees it. Totally. So... It's whatever she... Yeah, you're exactly right. So it really comes down to, like, if they're going to come... I mean, I'm sure if she wanted to do something, she could do it tomorrow. The only way it would ever happen, and if it happened...
She would come, there'd be a text around and she'd go, I have an idea. Yeah. And she was like, I finally feel like there's a version of this that makes sense to me that I want to do. And I don't know that she ever gets there. Cause I remember watching that like friends reunion and, and I, and I, who was it? It was Lisa Kudrow had said, she was talking about the creators of the show.
and she was saying you know you work so hard to to wrap everything up in the end if you come back you got to undo that totally right and we ended in an odd way where it was this flash forward yeah yeah so you can't really like go back in time yeah so now we'd be going past then and then you're introducing kids and it's a whole thing and like who knows yeah but again like if liz if she cracks it if liz and if also if liz cracked it and she was like
And she was like, I really have a great idea and I want to do this. That's, I go back then. Yeah, interesting. But anything other than that, it's not a real conversation. But it's also because it is one of those last big network shows, not every show would have the audience or the opportunity to do something like that. And that's why if you have Netflix where people keep rediscovering it, there's actually an appetite for it.
for something like that where there probably isn't with shows that are on air as much. Yeah, and what you hope you don't do is ruin that. Oh, yeah. It's really not worth doing it. By going back and being like, all right, so you got paid. The way they did the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm was one of those kind of loophole reunion shows where you kind of got to see it all, but it wasn't like that specific. But I agree with you about the Liz thing. I don't think there's any...
Besides it's fun doing press and always blaming it on Lamorne and saying, if you ever do press, go, you want to do a ring? Go, we're all in, but Lamorne won't do the contract. Yeah.
besides that fun he's a holdout he's the one he blamed it on you didn't he he does oh it's not funny now well I know we're he and I are just constantly going after each other these days he did a whole thing about like and then Liz sent out a text and was like Lamorne what are you doing because he did something he goes Jake Johnson won't do it he's too expensive you're the best Max this was the best
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