77: The Juicebox Ain't Worth the Squeeze
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And we are...

All right. I always like to think when those happen, the old bulls lights. Oh, nice. That as we start, everybody, like the whole audience is sitting in one arena. The lights go off. You're eating popcorn and you go like, oh, the show's starting.

Even though I'm a Wisconsin homer, those Bulls years where they would come out to that song were just... Shockin'. You know what's crazy? It's amazing. That whole intro with the music, with the lights, that was just one goober's idea. Somebody who worked for the organization was like,

Hey, can I pitch something? Okay, go ahead, Dave. So the way we intro our stars, Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippenhorst, it's a go on, go on. Rather than just start the basketball game, what if it was like a show? And then you go, yeah, now all of them, they have like fake fireworks. But beforehand, I'm sure it was like you went to a high school game. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And like you would have that like the 70s NBA. You were just like the Chicago Bulls versus the Indiana Pacers. Yeah. And then you'd have a bunch of like degenerate gamblers being like, I got four points on a kid from Indiana. Yeah. Basketball and everything used to just be like gamblers and then some scouts.

and then like a few fans. Oh, yeah. And then when the dunk happened, everyone was like, wait, what? Yeah, there was something that occurred that's really funny to go old NBA when it was a league that was failing. And then you watch those specials where they'll be like, I mean, at that point, the Knicks were bleeding money. We were just about done in the NBA. You have footage. It was like nine people in the crowd.

Well, also, before the 24-second clock, I mean, guys like the team, offense would have the ball for like three minutes. You'd be like, boy, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. Just pass, pass. It's just pass. Yeah, just like, wait till you see something. So there's five minutes left in the game. We're winning by five. What do we do? Hold the ball. And the audience goes like, this is very boring.

Okay, wait, Jake, I put something in the in the group chat for us. Well, this also I was getting hit up about this as well. Yes. No, no, no. This is a different thing.

This is different. Kevin, take the lead. I can't see what's happening. The transcription reads, good afternoon. This is tough. Let me set it up first, which is we recorded yesterday for several hours. I got a phone call during the recording. Didn't answer it. I am building a recording studio at my place, and hopefully it's going to be like next month.

It's this company called Tough Shed. So they called me to set up when we could lock in building it, and I just didn't answer it. This is amazing. So iPhones now can auto-transcribe voicemails for you.

And so while we were recording, I did a double take. Gareth, do you want to read what it transcribed as? Absolutely, Kevin. It would be an honor. Hold on. So Kevin, you spoke into your phone what you wanted the voicemail to be? No. Oh, the voicemail.

became this yes exactly this is what iphone says the voicemail was understood now if it was that's problematic good afternoon this is tough reaching out for kevin reaching out to see if everything was coming along with the foundation work for your new tough shed penis that you were ready to get on schedule for installation or if we need more time to get that completed when you get a chance give us a call uh my and update my number here thank you

So several people texted me. How's the foundation for your tough penis? Tough. Your tough penis. That's pretty good. Your tough shed penis. So the new studio is going to be inside of a penis. Basically. Yeah. That's which is I think setting up what Gareth was about to say, which is we've been getting hit up about a different tough penis. Well, on the Hannah episode, we talked about what I can't remember what it was. Yeah.

Clone Willie. Clone Willie where you can clone your genitals for whoever, I guess. And Clone Willie has been messaging me at quite a clip. Messaging you for real? Directly. Seeing if I would like the free material to either make my penis a cast or have someone make a vagina for me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You know what's sad? They didn't reach out to me. I bet you they did. I bet you you just didn't see it. I'm at the level where I see these things sometimes. Was that Instagram? How'd they find you? Well, they followed me on Instagram, and I think...

They emailed the show and put it in the YouTube comments too. On Twitter, they were like, please let us DM you because my DMs are closed to people I don't follow. They're like, please follow us so we can DM you and get you a free mold kit. And I did think like, do I have, is there any point to me doing this? Yes, come on. But I don't want to like, but what, okay, so what's the reveal in your head of this produced bit, Jake? Give it to Luke.

Have a great show, everybody. At no point am I going to be like, all right, now let's bring out that penis of mine. No, the reveal is you've got a long-term roommate who you travel with. You guys are good buds. He gets you coffee on the road. He doesn't need the extra penis of mine.

I know, but it's the funniest. He has the real thing. I think it should be for you when we're not recording. It's the funniest birthday gift you can give to a male friend in the history of gifts. If you one day gave me a gift at my big birthday and it was your, Gareth, your new gag gift could be giving everybody in your life on holidays. Why do I feel like I just called the show? Ha ha ha ha!

but this is a great gag gift i will okay here's what i'll do yeah i will i will clone my penis yes okay so there we go so we have reached a deal uh i'm very excited about this turn of events it's called what is it clone willy clone willy i think it's well whatever it is either way um

And so you're going to do it. You're going to be good. And we're going to see what happens. Burns off in a fire or something. Yep. Anyway, Jake, this whole thing isn't about cloning our willies. We have a great episode. We have a today. We've got a fun one where we get. These are my favorites where the follow up is part of the call. But also this follow up is not our standard follow up. This is a very strange. You're right. Because.

Well, let's well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let him have it. You'll see. It wasn't intended to be a follow up. No, it wasn't. It's a follow up. So, guys, this is a really fun one. And without further ado. Hello. You flush in the toilet? Yeah. Was that a toilet flush? Did you just literally flush a toilet?

No, I made a hard right so I could pull over and talk to you. Oh, respect. I wish you were sitting on the ball. That'd be so great. Name, please. Stephanie. Stephanie. Where are you calling from, Stephanie? From Jersey. Jersey. And what's your favorite band? My favorite band? Yeah. Who do you like to listen to? It depends on the mood. I got to be honest. I really like disco. Disco. What a crazy. Okay. And how old are you, Stephanie?

39. 39 years young. And what's your sign? Sagittarius. Sag. Nice. Okay. And what do you do for work? Office manager. Office manager. Okay. So you're a Sag, you're Stephanie, you're in Jersey, you like disco, you're 39, you're an office manager. Disco is... Are we ever going to get over that? I can't glaze over that too quickly. We're going to see if it has anything to do with what our problem is. Steph, the floor is yours. What can we do to help you today? All right. So...

I started going to the gym like eight months ago. I'm trying to lose weight, be healthy. By the way, quick pause. Stephanie, quick pause. This has never happened. Kevin laughed before when you signed. We've never had him laugh this early. It's exciting. It's exciting. I know what the call's about. I know. That's why we're all excited. He goes, you go, huh? And he goes, this is new. So Stephanie, eight months ago, you started going to the gym.

started going to the gym but i've been following this local gym for about a year now um it's a lot of bodybuilders male and female so i was intimidated and self-conscious um pulled the plug started going and like then i'm seeing you know people like um these bodybuilders or really anybody they post themselves in their stories they tag the gym

So I've been following this gym for a year now, so I could see the progress that strangers have made. Particularly this one woman who went from being already healthy and fit to like she's like jacked and muscular. So when I first saw her, when I started going, I was like, hey, I've been following you, blah, blah, blah. Probably made myself look like a creeper, whatever. I was like, it's a happy compliment. Like, I want to give her kudos. So I did.

Now, fast forward three months ahead of that or like a couple of months from here, whatever, we're doing cardio side by side and we're just BSing, like very big. Let's give this lady a name, Stephanie. We'll call her Beth. Beth. So Beth and you are doing cardio next to each other, okay? Yeah.

Yeah, and we're just like chit-chatting. And all of a sudden, Juicebox by The Strokes comes on into my earphone. And I don't know why, but I thought it was funny. And I'd show her my phone, and I'd point to the name of the song, and I said, this could be your nickname. Oh my god. Oh my god. What? Juicebox? You can't call somebody who has steroids Juicebox. What the fuck?

Oh, my Lord. You are. This is. You know what this reminds me of? The woman who had the ashes and goes, I hope you don't get the butthole. Yes. Yes. It's you need. It's something that when you get into podcasting, I have what I call a mouth bouncer. Yes. Which is the joke guy who goes, it's not. The juice ain't worth the squeeze. So you said to a woman who clearly does steroids.

This could be your nickname, Juice Boss. Fucking A. What a great thing to say. I don't want to say she clearly does steroids because this is an all natural. They're super into it. Sure. But still. To me, I thought it was funny. My fiance wasn't with me. He's usually my mouth bouncer. Okay.

So what happened? What did Beth do? You go, you're on a treadmill. You said, Hey, juice box can be your nickname. What's that mean? Like I had five heads and I said, Oh, I just, I just turned, haven't said a word to her. Ah, you friendship ruined it.

You know, you didn't even have a friendship. I know, but they were building one. Were you? I mean, it would have been nice to. I'm new to the area. Yeah, but you weren't. It wasn't like you and her were like, hey, we had two lunches. We went out for quinoa bowls after the workout. Like this was still pretty much a stranger. And you were like, I got to kill her. Yeah, I'm going to juice box her into my heart. OK, so you called her juice box. It's ended it. And so what is the great set up?

What is the specific question we could try to help with? What do I do? Do I just continue ignoring it? Just leave it? Or do I approach her via... And I unfollowed her on social media. Probably made it even more awkward. Why did you unfollow her? You're making wild moves. Why would you unfollow the lady you called a juice box? How dare she?

How dare she? She wasn't following me. I don't know. I was probably really stoned and in a mood. By the way, weed factoring into this, very helpful for context. Let me ask you this. A little high when you were doing the cardio that day?

At least the night before. No, no, I can't. We does not motivate me to go to those gyms. Okay. Okay. So the question Gareth is this, Stephanie works out at a gym. She just moved to the town. She's been watching people work out. Beth got really strong in eight months and Stephanie was impressed. She complimented her a couple of times. She followed her on Instagram. She became a little bit of a stalker, but not a bad way. They're doing cardio next to each other. Stephanie and Beth are slowly becoming friends. Steph,

Stephanie hears juice box by the strokes and goes, this is you. You're a fucking juice box. It's a crazy problem. That obviously gets offended. I think, honestly, it might be my first time where I pitch, you should just take your time and try to build a time machine. Like, put all of your time into just trying to figure it out. And so the question is, what do I do now? As your friend, I mostly don't give this advice, but you got to let this one go.

I don't think there's a world where you go back and go like, the explanation for calling you juice boxes. I didn't think of juice as terror. This is a lose-lose. I think you walk away. My personal instinct would be to do that. It's over. Whatever. It's a fucking gym. I'll tell you a story. I used to go to the Y in Milwaukee. Bragger. Bragger. And things were good. Yeah.

And Latrell Sprewell, ex-NBA player, CJ's interested now, used to work out there. I'm trying to feed my family. That's why he passed on a $25 million contract. Choked a coach. He's a Milwaukee guy. Yeah, yeah, respect. And I saw him there, and I would always see him, and I'd be like, man, it's fucking crazy. He's so tall. Yeah, yeah, 6'8". And so I one day got the balls to go up to him and just say something when he didn't have his headphones in, and I completely blew it because I went up, and I hadn't really thought of much.

But I just went up to him and I said, I love to watch you play. And he looked at me like, what? And he literally didn't say anything. And he turned around and I was like, that was horrible. So I got advice based off of that story. I think this is going to be Stephanie. This is going to be very simple. This is going to be a short one.

You got two options. And before we pitch what option to the details we're going to need from you, the number one option is you walk away. You bury this one in shame. This is just a bad life moment. You move on. Number two, the I love to watch you play is you double down and you approach her and you say something really weird and you heighten the weirdness.

That's a wild double down. But this is what Stephanie called us. I know. I've got ideas. They're not good either. Go ahead. Walk me through your double down weird pitch. Well, I was going to go to her, but do you have ideas outside of that? Okay, let's hear yours because I was going to go choose your own adventure. My first one is that you apologize and you say that you've been on drugs for the last few months. Okay.

and you tell her that you had a drug problem and that you were doing some hardcore shit. I love this. And it was unfair for you to say that. You think because you were on drugs. I'm an addict. Because you were on drugs, you thought it was a little more comfortable. You apologize. You know that it was that. The other one is just leave the fucking gym. Just go to a different gym. That's a walk away. Like Jake said, ignore it.

But here's my crazy one. My crazy one is that. Apologize you're a drug addict wasn't the crazy one. I got one that's going to make that seem fine. Great. Okay. Love it. You're near her. You're working out. Right. Get in her vicinity. Give her that. She clocks you. Yeah. It's juice box. You know. Yeah. She hates her. And when it's just you and her next to each other. Treadmills. Fake an injury.

Badly start crying pretend you've like torn your acl she's gonna come over to help you That'll create a moment. That's a little organic. You can be like ah take two days off the gym Say you went and saw someone it's not a tear you pulled something but god her compassion in that moment was so great It's giving you a restart stephanie You got the walk away part two of walk away is leave the gym

You got number two. I love to watch you play. You could just walk up to her and go like, I love to watch you lift weights or I love to watch you squat. You're a pleasure. You're a pleasure. You're a pleasure in the gym. You're my, I want to squeeze you. I've got your weird, I've got your weird double down if you want. What is it? When she squats next time, just go up to her and go, you ever worry you're going to poop? Hmm.

Or when she squats, you go like this. Mama's going to squeeze back down and let's just squeeze all night. The who? Yeah. Or when she squats down, you go like this. That's my juice box. Squeeze it out. I'd love to see you get stuck like that. Yes. So that's two. Three. You go ahead, Stephanie. Okay. No, you go ahead. I'm sorry. I really now want to buy a fart machine, hide it in the gym, and every time somebody squats- You're out of your mind. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. She's right. She's right. But I'm going to finish the pitches, but I'm going to end on yours. Three, apologize to her, walk up to her and go like this. Hey, juice box, I want to let you know I'm a drug addict. I just got into rehab. I was on crystal meth. The reason I said that. Four, fake an injury. And five, the best idea that we've ever had a caller call us with.

Get a fart machine. And whenever somebody does squats, just blow farts. And you're going to get kicked out of the gym within two weeks. This is a better way to leave. This is go out in a blaze of glory. They can talk about you for years. The woman goes, she called me juice box. She farted every time I lifted a weight. Yeah, I'm not going to. Your pitch is insane. And I'd never push back against it. So what do you think? What are you going to actually do?

I really want to do the fart machine thing. Will you film it? And yes, please. I will definitely, definitely film it if I do it. If, hold on. But I'll probably just. Okay, so you're not really going to do the fart machine.

I want to. Then do it! Please. Do it! We called your show. Please do it. You called a steroid lady juice box. This is your life, Stephanie. Obviously, your gut instincts are the right ones. Bring the fart machine into the gym and use it. Did you ever see that Leslie Nielsen interview with the fart machine? No, no. So Google Leslie Nielsen fart machine press.

And that's going to give you a nice push to get that fart machine. I honestly think this is...

Weird advice, but I think you're right. I think the way you do this is you don't leave the gym. You don't go up to her and tell her you love watching her squat. You don't fake a weird injury. You don't tell her you're a drug addict. You just get a fart machine and whenever somebody squats, you make a fart noise and you laugh your ass off and then go home and get stoned with your fiance and laugh until they kick you out of the gym. I would do it. I really would. You've already entered a danger zone, so go out with a blaze of glory. I agree. Stephanie, are you going to do this?

The fart machine, I'm really tempted to. You're a terrible influence. What's holding you back, Stephanie? Stephanie, what's holding you back? We're your buddies. Listen to your buddies. You already called the lady a juice box. The only thing holding me back is my...

Well, because she's muscly, like juicy, muscular. Stephanie. And in a box. Stephanie. Wait, what do you mean? And in a box. What do you mean in a box? Well, you know, ladies, a hoo-ha is a box, right? Oh, my God. You meant her vagina is a box? You called her steroid vagina? Well, no. You called her steroid vagina. Stephanie. Stephanie.

You know what? How rude. Here's another pitch. Next time you just go up to her and call her Roy-Gyne. Yeah, you can't. I did not realize you meant box like. Hey, look at you. You're a juicy box. You're gross. You are gross. By the way, that's sexual harassment. By the way, you can bring a fart machine in. Fart machine's basic now. Not two steps back from what you're doing. You sexually harassed a poor woman at the gym and called her steroid vagina.

You're a juice box. Holy cow. Did you put, you didn't put boxes. In what world do you think this woman's going to talk to you again? Hey, uh. No. This is one of the greatest split second decisions. Or me on a treadmill next to a strong guy and go, hey, a juice cock.

Hey, Roy Schwank. Yeah, you got a nice big dick and you're strong. You can't do that. I don't care if it's woman to woman. This is inappropriate. It's great. So here's our fun. I'm going to try those names tonight and see if I get laid. You will. You will. Without question. If a woman ever called me steroid cock, I'd be like, thank you. That's all I've ever wanted to hear. Well, listen. It's my dream. It's pretty good. So, Stephanie.

I couldn't recommend enough leaning into the fart machine. Your days at this gym are numbered. Now that we've gotten to know you a little bit, you're going to cross a lot of lines and you might end up going to jail. Well, I think the fart machine is your safest bet. And the thing is, you're not going

going to put up those numbers on the bench that you're taught. You're not making those gains. No. But you can be a legend in this gym. Yes, I agree. It's time to lean into a different type of game and best bench press the fart machine and just go hard. What do you say? Are you going to do this? I'm going to start looking to see where I can hide it. Okay, great. Will you please follow up? You have to, legally.

Oh, yeah, of course. We'll go to your gym if we have to. We demand that we stay included and we follow up. If you got video of somebody doing squats and then your fart machine, and we know, Stephanie, you're going to start laughing and you're going to blow it. Oh, yeah. This will be your last day in the gym most likely. But please go for it for our benefit. Thank you for the call. You got it. Thanks, guys. Say hi to Juicebox.

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Hello. Hey, how's it going? You're on. Oh, what's that, buddy? Oh, sorry. Hey, guys. I'm in the middle of interest. I'm going to need to keep the momentum going. You're on America's number one podcast with Jake Johnson. Can we get your name, age and where you're calling from, please? Yeah. My name is Brandon. I am 26 years old and I'm calling from Atlanta. Wow. Twenty six. Remember that, Jake?

I'm still 26. Okay. Weird response. What's going on, Brandon? Gotcha. Couple of 26-year-olds, you and me, B. No, no, no, no. Couple of kids. All right, Brandon. I've got a problem, but we'll deal with it off air. Yeah, yours is you're going to be 50 soon, you geezer. Okay. Go ahead, Brandon. All right, Brandon. 26, Atlanta. What's going on? All right.

All right. So last year, I really wanted to plan a fun event for me and my friends. About an hour outside of Atlanta during the summer, you can rent a boat for the day. And it's a ton of fun. I love boats. My uncle had a boat when I was a kid, and I just loved it.

Had so many fond memories of that. So I really wanted to create memories with my friends. You know, of age love boats. Yes, but can't own one. So we got to rent it. Sure.

But last year, when I wanted to rent this boat for my friend group and have a great day out on the lake, we called it BK Wants a Damn Boat Day because I was 100% committed in organizing this boat day. We had about 25 people. It was so much fun. We had a double-decker pontoon boat that had a kitchen and a water slide. A lot of boat talk. This feels like a boat glow. Great.

I feel like I'm in a boat infirmary. Whatever the version of name dropping is, but with a boat, it feels like, okay. All right, so you had a big boat, 25 people, Brandon, floor is yours. Kitchen, water slide. But the issue this year is the amount of people that came last time was a bit much. We weren't really going anywhere on the lake because it was just too heavy. Also, another thing,

thing with the front group is it got kind of clicky. There's some drama that got created during the winter and so it's a bit tricky now figuring out the second winter drama put some issue into it.

So is the question, who do you invite? Yeah. So the advice that I would want from you guys is how do I navigate these invites? I'm a pretty drama-free guy, but a slight people pleaser. No guys allowed. I hate saying no to people. Dan Balzeri on the boat. Have you ever seen a video of a guy rapping on a boat? You ever see other guys? You, nine ladies,

On a boat. Thank you for the call. I'm kidding. Okay. So it's hard. So how many people are you trying to get to, Brandon? Well, I'd like to narrow it down. So we've got a decent amount of people. I don't really know the number, but I mean, I don't want to have such a heavy group this time where...

You know, we're not really able to go anywhere on the boat. I didn't realize that part of the problem with boats, if you got too heavy, you couldn't go on the water. You just had to sit there. Well, that's a pretty good excuse for why you got to get the numbers. But what are you talking? You're talking like 15 people. How many people you think you got to cut? And if you say, I don't know, I just don't want to be sitting there on the boat. I want to get to the water again. I'm going to hang up the goddamn phone.

Brandon, we're teasing because we like you and we're excited about the call. I appreciate it. I think I got a cut around 15 people. Oh, 15? Wow. So you want about 10 people on this boat?

I think 10 people is a good, good, solid group. Okay. So I will say in terms of your earlier boat salesman pitch, it sounded like a bigger boat to me. Yeah, it did. 10 people on a boat. That's like a little, like a little, uh, it's kind of a vision boat with a slide. It became a dinghy. It became a dinghy. Uh, I was seeing a yacht. I was seeing a lot of, I was seeing staff in the basement. Yeah. Yeah. I was Wolf of wall street. Yeah. Now I'm seeing like one of those little cruisers in like Louisiana. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well, that's tough. And you don't want the people to know you're making these cuts, obviously. You want to do this on the DL somehow. Yes, we'd love to. Don't really want to create any broken hearts or more drama. Understood. So here's what we're going to do, and it's going to be really weird for the audience and for us because we don't know these people, but we're going to do something right now, Brandon, on the fly. Oh, boy. Who's your number one? Picture the group. You got 25 people on that boat last year. You're on a boat. It is sinking. They're going to die.

This boat is branded. It is sinking. Death is occurring. You can save one person. Who do you save? Who do you save? The boat is sinking. Who do you save? The boat is sinking. I'm definitely saving my girlfriend. Girlfriend. Okay. GF is on. She says one more person. Who does she save? Brandon, this isn't time to think. The boat is sinking. You're on the goddamn Titanic. We don't have a minute and a half, killer.

The boat is going down. If you wait too long, you're a fucking dead man. You're swimming with the fish. You grab the girlfriend. She grabs somebody. Who does she grab? I think she's got to grab probably my best friend. Who? Who? I don't know if that's who she's grabbing to be quite honest, but okay. Who's your best friend? If I'm thinking about the group. Brad, yeah!

Boat is sinking, you son of a bitch. Have you seen the Titanic? Don't play in the fucking cello, my man. This is time to get out of dinghy. Who's the number one guy you save on that boat? Go. I'm going to save my friend Sean. Sean. Okay. Who's number two? You got Sean. Quick, quick, quick. Who else? You got Sean. Who else is coming in?

Oh, man. Next name comes to mind. Dan. Dan. Okay, good. Now, who are you bringing for your girlfriend? Who would be her number one? Quick. You got Sean. You got Dan. You got the girlfriend. Who are you bringing in to talk to her? It's a long thing you write. Go, go. I think she's got to save her best friend, Katie. Katie? Okay. Who's her other one? Who's her Dan?

Her dance got it worse. Then she'd probably save her boyfriend, Dennis. Wait. Okay, okay, okay. So you got, okay, okay, good, good. So you got Dennis. So now you got, you can take a second. You got five people on this dinghy you can breathe. But now you got to think about on the dinghy,

You're going to be on the fucking ship for a while. It's a long way to get to shore. Who's good company? Who's an easy hang from the 25? This isn't best. This isn't worse. We're talking about you're going to be on this dinghy. There's not a lot of water. There's hot sun. Give me a name quick. Somebody just popped in your head. Who is it? You know, if we're talking about good times, I'm going to invite my friend Kevin. Kevin? Yeah, Kev's a good guy. Who rolls with Kev?

Who's Kevin's number one? His girlfriend, Ann. Ann? Okay. It's pretty easy. Just pick four people and their girlfriend. No, no. Stop, stop, stop. Okay. So you got Kevin. Who's a good time? You got his girlfriend, Ann. Who's another good time? Kevin. Who's another good? Water's coming, Brandon. Oh, man. Don't oh man me. You're dead. You're dead. Who's another good time, Charlie? Go. Well, see, this is also an issue. I'm a people pleaser. The water's coming in.

I don't have time to fucking yap. You're a dead man. Yeah. Somebody popped in your head. He died. I do too. I'm trying to save him. Somebody popped in your head. Who should be on that boat? Quick. There's somebody in your head. Probably Tom. Who's Tom's girlfriend? The Tom's girlfriend, Danielle. Danielle. Okay. So now I got to say, I got to say we're out of it. We don't have anybody else, but for fuck's sake, you know what? With you included, there's your 10. There's your 10. So Brandon, we, here's your list.

You, your girlfriend, Sean, Dan, Katie, Dennis, Kevin, Ann, Tom, and Danielle. You got 10 people. Have a great time on the boat, my friend. Well, wait, wait. Isn't part of this also how does he get out of it? Because your other friends are going to find out, right?

Yeah, you know what the whole social media people posting about the fun time on the boat. Say you got bullied on a podcast. I think, by the way, you have perfect evidence if you need to go with the boat. So if somebody asked why they weren't invited, here's what I want you to say. Jake Johnson from New Girl told me these were the 10 I had to invite or I was going to die in the Titanic. I mean, that's pretty good.

I that you do have perfect evidence right here. I have two other pitches if you want them on how we get out. We've got our guest list. Yes. This is what I would maybe do. I would maybe I and this is crazy. I would maybe send out an invite to all the people who were there last year and let them know you're doing it in like two months. OK.

A month before that happens, say there was a mix up and you can no longer do it and you're canceling the event. You'll reschedule it at another time. Then you send an email to those 10 people and those are the people you bring. So if these people who the 15 who were cut, if they find out you go, I had it was kind of a last minute frazzled thing. I just kind of had to get a ragtag group together.

It feels a little less calculated and a little more targeted. But they then were reminded of the thing that they were excluded from.

Why? Because you sent out that first one? They got invited. Well, yeah, but like he's saying, the social media part of it. Oh, they're going to hear it anyhow. Yeah, I think they'll hear it through the grapevine. What's your other way out? I'm pitching a scapegoat. The other way out is figure out when it's one of these people's birthday weekends and you think they'll siphon some of the friends off or a holiday weekend, book it for one of those. Then those people might have other plans and you'll have a little bit more confidence. And here's what I say on that. I think we got your list, which is why you called in.

I think that's your list. And I think if people are unhappy about it, when the Titanic is sinking and you're on a dinghy and you only got 10 people, I'm sorry for the 11th, but I'm enjoying the dinghy with my 10. I'd also just put it on Kevin or your girlfriend. They made the list. Thank you for the call. Bye, buddy. Bye. Thank you, Brandon. All right. Thanks, fellas. Bye. Bye.

Hey, everyone. This is producer Kevin here. After the call, the caller emailed us pretty shortly. Also, Jake and Gareth are here too, Kevin. Hi, everybody. We got an email from the caller pretty quickly after. We thought the call was really fun. While we were still recording, he emailed...

And do you want to read what he emailed, Kevin? Sure. But this is I will say this is a first for us. This was a call that we all thought was fun, easy, moved on. And we're not going to make a habit of someone complaining and doing this. But go ahead. Probably won't happen again. But we found it really interesting. And this was an experiment. Yeah. Yep.

So he said, hey, Kevin, my call with Jake and Gareth did not go how I wanted it to go. I felt rushed through the whole call. It didn't feel like a conversation and I barely got advice on the issue. I honestly didn't like how I was put on the spot and had to name a bunch of people when the issue I needed help on was how to navigate the invite, not who do I invite? I appreciate Gareth trying to bring it back to the issue and give advice on how to navigate the invites. But we barely talked about that. And then the call ended.

I just thought it would go differently, more comedic like other episodes. I know I probably could have spoken and stopped Jake, but I was caught up in the emotions of being on the pod that I love. But I just wanted to leave this review as a longtime listener and now participant. Thanks again for the opportunity to speak with the guys and best of luck with the show. Yes. So we talked as a team and said, what do we think?

And what we thought was, why don't we email him and say, do you want to call right back? So in this one session of recording, we had the first call, which you heard, and then our follow-up trying to alleviate the email. Enjoy the second call. Second part of the show.

Hello? Hey, Brandon. Hey. Hey, welcome back to We're Here to Help. This is our first ever follow-up an hour after the first call because of a negative review from our caller.

Hey, guys. I appreciate you having me back. I didn't mean to leave a negative review. Just kind of wanted to give you my honest feedback on how the call went. Okay, so go ahead. Maybe it was because I ranted a lot in the beginning with the backstory and maybe I didn't get my question across. But yeah, I wasn't really feeling the whole vibe of name dropping people. I didn't need to...

Didn't really need help on who to invite, but just how to maybe send out the invites. I liked what Gareth was giving advice on, and the holiday coming up or maybe sending a fake invite or something like that, that was pretty good. But yeah, that was basically my feedback. Well, you said you had 25 people and you had to narrow it down to 10. Is that correct?

Yeah, because you said the boat couldn't move. So we had to trim it down. And then you said, but you weren't sure how you were going to send the invite out because you're drama free. So it wasn't just how to send out a new invite. It was how to send out an invite and lose 15 people. Is that correct? I guess. Yes, I guess I could see how the conversation turned out like that. Did you at the end of the day, do you feel like the you have a good solution to your problem?

I felt like it was a decent solution. It wasn't what I would have chosen, I'd say. I could definitely send out this podcast and make it funny like that so people understand. But so what is the then specific question that we could help? If it's not, how do I get from 25 to 10 drama-free,

It's what, what is the actual question that we can try to do that? It was, the question was more so how could I send out these, uh,

let people know that they weren't invited to the boat day or, you know, people are going to end up finding out. So how do I come up with that, that excuse, or maybe, you know, what Garrett's suggest, you know, having a, an invite to everyone and then canceling last minute and having a, a smaller invite go out instead. Um, kind of like that idea, but, um, some,

Sometimes I help that where I'm not creating more drama in the group. We pitched on it, and we will, if you're not comfortable with those names, we'll figure out a way around that to some extent. Is part of it you don't want those 10 names released? I'm okay with those 10 names released. Okay, so we'll just pitch again. We'll give you a couple more options on your problem. But so then be clear for me, Brandon, because I'm a little confused. So because if I got invited to something,

And it said, hey, do you want to come to this? Then I got one. Hey, never mind. It was canceled. And then I found out because 10 of my friends still went. That's creating drama to me. It's muddying the waters. But you want something where it muddies the waters. Is that what I've got? Another. Hold on. Brandon feels I steamrolled him. So.

Is that what you want, Brandon? That is no, no, I don't really want that. I don't want to create more drama. Um, we, this group of 25 people, I mean, we've been friends together for a really long time. So there's drama coming up and, uh, you know, making the group smaller is all kind of weird. I don't really want to create more drama within the group. Right. But,

you told us you are limiting the group. I mean, here's how you do it. Then you rent the same boat. You invite the same 25, but you're saying you want to minus 15, but not create drama. If you're on the show survivor and 10 people got to get voted off, 10 people are going to get their feelings hurt. Can I have a suggestion to Brandon? Sure. Two words, two boats. That's what I was going to say. You do, you do, you do a sequel.

Boats next to each other? Yeah. Or what you can do is two times. You do one, you do it two times a year, and you're having these two, you invite, you do two different groups. Sounds like you have a lot of couples, so you could do a couples version, and then you could do a non-couples version. You could also do a Friday and a Saturday, and you create a sign-in. Boats over. Because you said there was drama in the winter?

So people are not going to want to go on the boat with certain people. So if you do it, you can sign up for either boat. And you're the boat guy, so you're on both. That's true. That does give me two boat days. And you're a boat day guy. And by the way, and by the way. I am the boat guy. You are. And by the way.

You talked about this winter drama there. You've got your your scapegoat that you have the ability now to be like, look, there's been a little tent. Like if anyone kicks up any fucking dust about this, the reason why you're doing two boats is because you don't want to get into it. You want to limit drama. Are you limiting the drama? And what do you think about having two boats? I'm telling you, though, you are creating drama. Maybe, but you're you're not. I think it's it.

You still get your boat. What if everybody wants to go on one boat and there's like three people for the other one? I think the boat capacity thing is going to help a lot, though. I would just keep using that as an excuse. The weight limit. What do you think? Honestly, I do like that idea. It gives me two boat days because now I'm the boat guy. So I get two boats, two separate days, or I could have it at the same time. I'm not opposed to that idea either.

Wait, how would that work if it was at the same time? I think that's really fun. I think that's- Two boats at the same- and then you're going from boat to boat? Then you're living like the sitcom guy who's on two dates at the same restaurant. But there's something fun about that. Yes, yes. But if you have two boats and on each boat there's a different theme, and you change from theme to theme. I like that. You're like Mrs. Doubtfire. Yes. Yeah, okay. I like that. You do need to make the rule, though, that there's no abandoning ship.

People know, but they can switch. But you can only have 12 on each boat at a time. Brandon, you tell us.

You know, I think that's actually a pretty fun idea. I think, you know, people could be separated if they want. They can stay on their own boats. They can mingle together in the water, you know, maybe international grounds. There doesn't have to be any drama in that area. Sure, that's a weird thing to say that you're using maritime law, but okay. But so you're creating, your adjustment to last year is two boats summer, same day. What do you think about different themes on each boat?

Yeah, I like that idea. I think that would be a really cool idea actually because the

The two separate parties, kind of like that Friends episode where Rachel's got to go between the two parties that have different themes going on. I like that. That's fun. And one boat could have a certain type of music and a certain type of drink. The other boat could be like yacht rock and rum cocktails. One could be like vodka drinks, more like hip hop. One boat could, I mean, you might not like this, but one could be like disco and then one could be like.

affluent boat people. Or if one's a party boat and one's a chill boat. Yes. One where you want to dance and one where you want to chat. Talk and hang out. Yeah, you know, that could work too because the group is kind of split stoners and drinkers, so that could work too. This is the easiest. You have a weed boat and you have a booze boat. And you know what? After this, you know what they're going to call you? The boat goat. The boat goat. I like that. You're now the boat goat. So what do you think of that? Cool, guys. Yes. Actually, I really like that idea. Solid advice. Can we just...

pat ourselves on the back for a minute and just say, we were sitting here, we liked our call with you, we received an email, and we were like, oh man, and then we did a follow-up, and now we've got a good button. My guess is we air these two parts together in one. But I want to make sure, Brandon, because on the first one, it was steamrolling, and that was intentional, and we all found it comedic. Do you feel comfortable with that first one airing?

Yeah, I'm comfortable with that first one, Eric. I think this is a cool follow-up series. You know what's funny? He's got a problem and he's splitting boats. We had a problem and we split the calls. Brandon, enjoy the boat, buddy. Have fun, boat goat. Send us pics when you do it. Yeah, send us pics. Yeah, what's up?

Definitely. I also have some advice for you guys. Would you guys want to take it? Yes. Separate from the email feedback that I gave. Sure. You're like a human. You know, you guys are looking if you guys are looking for like other segments that you want on your podcast. Yes. I think it would be really cool if you guys had like a Reddit page or something where people could send advice. And then you guys had a segment where you go through that and, you know, give like one short.

answers to the questions on that page. Just kind of want that out there. What is that really? I don't really know the Reddit thing. What does that mean? It's like a message board. We do a lot of that on the Patreon. We're starting on the Patreon, yeah. Yeah. But that's a good tip. Thank you. It's a great segment for Patreon. I love it. Are you on our Patreon? Not yet. Have a good life, Brandon. We appreciate it. Take care. Get on there. Thanks, buddy. Bye-bye. Thanks, guys.

Thanks, guys. There we go.

That was a happy ending. We're glad he called. We appreciate him. And it turned out to be a really fun one for the show. And I think the truth is that

You know, we genuinely care about solving the issues for the caller. And so, like, again, we're not used to immediate feedback. But we when we got that email, we were like, well, God damn it. Let's try. This is why we're at. We're doing this for bits. But we genuinely care. We are invested in these calls. That's why we do the follow ups. That's why we always tell people to follow up with us. Yeah.

I will say, Gareth, at least from the original premise of it, I think the original bit was we were discussing the idea of actually caring, but I don't think the three of us realized that we were going to actually get invested. And actually the amount of time we've thought and talked about callers and

if they actually take the advice, I think that's the turn. And when like a guest will come on, like, you know, Greenfield was just here or, and when, you know, he was doing it, he's looking at us like, well, just be honest. Yeah. And just, and you go like, well, no, this community is a little different. If they wanted to do that pass,

They would have, but they're here for a reason. Exactly. That is, people know they could just tell someone. Yes, but they're here. They call our show because they're in a predicament. And I think you're right. I don't think in any version of this show was I like, we are going to be like, when is nipple clamps going to reach out again? Yeah, yeah.

And also, when is Nipple Clamps going to reach out again? I'm dying to know what's going on with the principal. Is it wrong that I keep emailing her directly and saying, follow up? It is. I know it is. I'm going to add that one. Yes, it is. Yeah, I know it is. But I'm saying, is it? You know what I mean? What I'm saying to you right now is stop. I know. And it's sort of like in your head, you're going, go. So it's kind of like, what is it? No, no, no. I'm saying, even in your, Gareth. I'm just saying we're very invested. And if she could reply, yeah, legally, of course. Stop it. Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more, Jake. Thanks so much.

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Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 18 of the podcast. It is called This is Where the Watermelon Comes into Play with Max Greenfield. It is the second call from that episode and that came out October 16th of last year. So if you want to check it out as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Welcome back.

Thank you. It's good to be back. How are you guys? Good. So we are, this is a follow-up, but Gareth and I do not know what the call is. So can you please tell us your name and take over? Remind us in the audience who you are. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, my name's Maddie. I have a cat named Sushi. It was an issue with my...

Yeah. So Sushi was having issues with watching you have sex. Right. Yeah. Wait. So Gareth, Sushi used to watch Maddie and her boyfriend have sex. And she thought, and then you suggested, I think, getting Sushi like a masturbation toy. Is that true, Maddie? No, I think a bag partner.

And then you were like, oh, sushi must be just a really horny cat. It's amazing to look back on these already. We have not been doing it that long. That's wild advice.

So I did not stand by it. I think we, I think mine was probably put. I was running scared. Yeah. Yeah. Yours was Jake's was probably euthanized. And I was like, you need to find another cat to bang sushi. No, I did not say euthanize you man. I said, put a gate up. Whatever it was. That's basically euthanization. Of course, Jake was like, we're going to build a wall. Yeah.

Build a wall. Garrett is like, let every cat fuck. Yeah, yeah, right. We really were the two political parties. I was like, everyone should be banging at the same time. We're going to build a beautiful gate. It's going to be an unbelievable gate at the Southern Room. All right. So, Maddie, the floor is yours. What is going on with this horny cat?

Right. So it did keep happening. I did not find it a sex toy. It's criminal, actually. That's my new advice. By the way, those don't exist. You can't go into a pet store and go like this. I'm looking for something for my cat to masturbate on. You'll go to jail. You'll go to jail. You go to the porch and you go, I'm looking for a real cat. No, no, no. Like a real doll and a cat.

If they do, if we as humans get to the world where they create sex dolls that are animals, I give up. I'm committing suicide. I'll see you on Shark Tank, my friend. And when you said it was the photo of little boy Gareth with their orange hair. I have orange hair. Trying to catch fish. By the way, this little guy and Maddie, you'll see it on YouTube. This is the person I imagine, Gareth, when we text about the Packers.

When this little guy's like, I'm part owner. I had something to do with this. This is who I am. It is upsetting. It is so upsetting. So your cat is as horny as ever. What's happening? Yeah. So it's probably not good comedy, but I did end up taking him to the vet.

And? And he was having urinary issues. Oh, my Lord. Gareth, that's your problem, buddy. You have urinary issues. I can't wait to tell all my shooters. It's not me. I just, I got to piss a lot. So I'm not, I'm not a actual, as much of a pervert as you think. The veterinarian said I have urinary issues. What?

Sorry I asked for those filthy videos, but I have a urinary issue. Maddie, is sushi a urinary tract infection?

It was urinary blockages. Okay. So, like, I think the time that we called, it wasn't, like, a super bad one, but it did come back. And so now, like, he's totally healthy, totally fine. But now I know what... Maybe when he starts humping me, time to go to the vet. So, Matt... So, that's a great follow-up, Matty. He was humping to give you a warning, saying, I'm having an issue. And, Matty, you thought...

He's so jealous of my ex, he's dying to have sex with me. Your ego, Maddie, is in question here. This is a wild spin. He's like this. There's something burning. As my owner, I need help. And you're like, take it easy. I know I look cute in these jeans. Jesus, you little perv. God, you're such a man. Let me handle it.

It's like, I'm in pain. I'm begging you to take me to a vet and you're like, cool it. It's called a bob. I need to see a professional. God, he's in heat. Sushi, relax.

And so, Maddie, you found out that, and then what happened? You got some antibiotics for little Sushi, and now he's done humping? Yeah, they had to, like, express his bladder, and then I just give him special food every day. And, yeah, he's doing good. And Sushi's back to being a regular old cat. He's done with his pervy ways.

Well, they were never. He was having pain. It is. I don't know. I'm trying to find a way that we help. Well, here, here, let me, I have a question and maybe, maybe this will open an avenue. Any part of you miss it, Maddie? Oh, that's a great question. Any part of you go? Remember the good old days? When you had that little hump on your shoulder.

Or, Maddie, any part of you feeling insecure when you're having sex, you're like, we're doing it wrong. Why? My cat's asleep. Yeah. Or wondering if your boyfriend maybe is just doing it because he can't pee. It'd be really sad if we found out like 80% of men just have urinary issues. And once we got that fixed, like the porn industry went down and men finally started behaving normally. Society just we have like a we have like a bullet train all of a sudden. Better. Better.

Yeah. All of a sudden we just cooled it. What happened? I don't know. We found ourselves. We're better. We're just better. They put this medicine in our water and now we're done. Oh my God.

Build the wall. Well, that's something we both agreed on. We're going to poison the water. So, Maddie, we appreciate the call. We're very happy for sushi. And we're a little bit sad for you. Yeah. You've lost this little ego boost of your cat just dying, dying to get on with it. I'm going to do everything I can to give Jose a little blocked urine so that I can experience the joy that you did. What? It's nice to have a partner. Yeah.

Maddie, thank you for the call. All right. Thank you, guys. Appreciate you. We know you have a heart out like sushi. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

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