155: Jake's Faves: Twin Circumcision & Watermelon Thighs (with Max Greenfield) (Re-release)
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Get started risk-free at greenlight.com slash Wondery. And we are back. We are Nat Attack. What were you saying?

What were you saying? I didn't want to miss it. Well, we've obviously since now, I guess this will precede the... I know. Our order is weird. Yes, but we... Just set it up, Garrett. Well, we finally, you know, as we crew up, as we crew out, as we posse up, we... Holy cool terms this morning. Buddy, I haven't even brushed my teeth. We...

Now, I don't know exactly how we stumbled on it, but the crew's starting to get some nicknames. We got Jesse, who's J-Dog, and that's fine. That's good for him. But the one that really hit was Nat Attack. I agree. Natalie, our producer, is now Nat Attack. I'm not 100% sold on J-Dog. Okay, that's fine with me. But I'm not against it. I'm not going to fight for it, but Nat Attack. Rob being Wobby Wob is great, but we didn't create that. Super established. We can't give Rob a nickname because armchair...

Agreed. Already knighted him. He's Wobby Wob. Yeah, he's Wobby Wob. And I almost don't feel comfortable using it because it's not art. I agree. But he's... Whatever, he's skirted it. But Nat, Natalie, Nat Attack. Nat Attack is ours. She's cooked. Nat Attack is ours now. Yeah, and we should say...

People will hear the origin, but we didn't come up with it. No, we didn't. The caller did. Today is a re-release of some calls. And I'll tell you, what we're doing a little bit on these, which is fun for Gareth and I, is the other guy doesn't know. We're going to each curate every once in a while, and we'll get together. And so I'll tell you what we're doing on this one, Gareth. Okay. Max Greenfield special. Oh.

Oh, great. Right? Now, do the calls always have to be with our guest, or can we do any call? No, we can do whatever we want. Because I know one I'm going to do, and I want one carte blanche. Okay, Greenfield. I would say when I pick my...

I make my rules. When you pick yours, you make your rules. My rules are there are no rules. And that's for every rule. Always. The darkest thing you've ever said. You're trying to be so cool. Listen to this show. You're my age, Gareth. Way younger. Listen to the show if you want to hear some problems with how I speak and say dorky things.

I love that. Max has been a phenomenal guest on our show. And to talk about the show while we're making the show, which is something we've gotten very into doing because it's fun. Because also it's a podcast and it's fun. Yes.

What are you feeling about these new Wednesdays, the freedom of them? Where are you at? Good. I think it provides... Well, first of all, being able to re-listen to some classics is great. And I think that the new stuff we are doing is awesome. You're loving where we're at. Well, we'll find out what people think, but I think people will come along for the ride. And like we said, the deal was we were going to do one a week.

And then we kind of just decided to... Have some fun. Yeah, have some fun. It's still more work, but it's not as much. I agree. So I think it's a good balance. How are you feeling? I'm feeling excited. Nat Attack and I have been texting a lot. Okay, that's interesting. Well, no, Shark and I did too. You don't actually feel sensitive about that. It's fine. Do whatever. I text her too. I text Rob too. You were texting behind-the-scenes work stuff. Do you care?

No, but... It's not personal. We're not talking about how much we like each other. Yeah, I know. It's just... Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I don't want... Just do it. It's what Steve said about a prank. Gareth would do it, but he's too lazy.

So the stuff we're texting, you're not interested in? No, I'm fine. I can include you in it, but a day later you would just write thumbs up and then go, love this, great. And all the decisions have already been made because there's a deadline. That does happen. I'll be like, wait, these all happened yesterday? And then you'll write like, love this, in total agreement. Sounds great. Well, I'm trying to... Which is nice. I'm easy.

Well, that's not accurate. That is highly accurate. Anyway. You're easy the way a teenage kid is easy. Oh, so you're saying I have a youthful exuberance that rubs up against your old age. Yeah, I've been saying that for a long time. Yes, that's the whole premise of the show. Yeah, yeah, I'm a kid and you're a dad. That's the whole time. And let me cook. It is a teenage boy.

boy and a 70 year old grandpa. This is our show. We actually, we actually do age in the other directions. A hundred percent. Uh, with, yeah, I, I am a child in the same age body as you and you are an old man. You know what? It's like, we are a science experiment. Uh,

of two people born near one another, but who lean so far in the other direction. It's like twins, but with age. Nobody can see, it's just on the inside. Yeah, it's just on the inside. Like you hang out and you're like, Jesus Christ.

Like this one guy won't stop talking and the other guy's furious. What gender? Unfortunately, we both won't stop talking and we're both furious. That's the gross connection. Neither of us ever shut the hell up. I know. It's gross. It's gross. But like we were saying...

One of our guests that we had recently when we were doing, you know, we've gotten better at not trying to fucking, you know, do the talk every time and just get in with the line. I agree. Yeah, we've gotten better at...

Also, just changing, because who cares? Because it's fun. Yeah, I agree. You know what? Let me ask you a quick question about the age thing, because that was pretty funny to me, this idea of twins, and that you're closer to 18 and I'm closer to 65. Yeah, I would go 14, but yeah, go ahead. I would go 70. I was trying to be nice to both of us. You're like if a liver spot was a man. What generation do you relate to? I mean, I...

You know, there was something about the 60s that in my, like in my, you know, era-ish, the 60s really for me. That's the answer you want to say. That's not it. No, it's true. You could go take LSD and you were fighting. Look at your hair, you're Gen Alpha. What are you talking about? No, no, no. I'm talking about, listen, go look at the 70s. They all had curls. It was the 70s. You know whose hair yours is?

Fessy from the new challenge. Oh, you know what? Get out of my ass. That is crazy. Let me read you a little something, Jake. Here's a DM I received recently. I have yet to reply to because honestly, I don't know what to say. But I read this and I thought,

I thought, well, don't send this to Jake because this is just going to open a can of worms. But since we're on the subject, hey, Gareth, big fan, longtime listener. I have a genuine question that I've wanted to ask for a long time. How do you get those great curls? Seriously, it looked great. I know you and Jake have joked several times on the podcast about a perm, but I would be eternally grateful if you shared your secret.

Kindest regards, a big fan from Sweden. You know what I hope? It's a photo of a Gen Alpha. I bet it's you. By the way, that would be so funny if it was me. It's not. By the way, I 100% wish I did that. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, wait. All right. I say 60s because... No, because it's a cool answer. No, not because it's a cool... But the real answer for you is... No, no. Gen Alpha. And the real answer for me is Boomer. I want to be smoking a joint with weirdos in a field... When was the last time you smoked a joint with weirdos in a field? ...listening to clearance banging someone in a shrub. Huh?

When was the last time you smoked a joint in a field with weirdos? Well, I don't smoke weed anymore, but... Exactly. When was the last time you permed your hair and worried about the tightness of your jeans? Not a perm. Not a perm. Tightness of my jeans. Whatever, Jen. Tightness of my jeans is a regular worry, no doubt. Absolutely. Absolutely. There is nothing wrong with Gen Alpha. I'm raising two Gen Alphas.

Jake, your children are 12. Stop saying that that's who I am. You said 14. Well, shut up. What's yours? That's the question. Boomer. Absolutely. Or, you know what's really what it is? Whatever the generation was who did... Sitting in a cafe wanting someone to take their hat off while they're eating out of respect for the flag. Exactly. That's you. You know what mine is? Whatever generation was the Civil War fighters. Yeah.

And who's like, I came to, I built this goddamn country. What are you talking about? I've got to wear a baseball, I can't wear a baseball cap. Whatever that generation was, I'm like, I think that was probably right around when I should have been. I should be at this point on a porch not moving. You during the Civil War would have been like, this guy needs to lighten up.

Me? Yeah. Yeah. They'd be like, he's intense. Back then, yeah. He's a little intense. He's heavy, dude. Jesus Christ. He sees some shit. Jesus Christ. Did he fight in the war? No. No, he just is like that. He's an intense guy. So we got Max Greenfield on. We are actually going to do something fun where I was talking to Natalie about it. I said, let's just go long because I was listening to his old episodes and really laughing. So we're going to do...

All three of his calls and a follow-up. So it's going to be a really long episode, but also who cares? One thing I love about when Max is on the show is we'll pitch things, he'll be silent for a minute, and then he'll be like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? And we'll be like, buddy, come on, get in the zone. We suggest bad things. So everybody enjoy the show.

We know we are. We are. Nobody else says we are. The texting after yesterday. I agree. And without further ado.

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and expire in 168 hours. See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos. Ends 4-27-25 at 11-59 p.m. Eastern. Hello. Can I get your name, please? Yeah, this is Robert. Robert? Hey, Robert. Where are you calling from, Robert? I'm from Kansas. Kansas? And about how old are you? 32 years old. Robert, you got a special one.

My old buddy, my partner in crime, a guy I've spent more hours with than most people in my life. Close. Family. Close corner. In a little room talking shit. From New Girl, Mr. Schmitty Max.

Back again. And I would say the funniest part of Unfrosted, in my opinion. I agree. Appreciate it. Truly. Which is saying something. You got to kill it. Everybody's funny in the movie. It's a murderous row, but XCG scores. Yep. Robert, what can we do for you today? Well, I need some advice about...

my twin brother and trying to figure out whether he's circumcised or not what the hell that is open okay so you gotta all right keep going robert floor is yours walk us through this so my wife and i recently had a son okay about six months ago and decided that he should be circumcised i'm circumcised and so it's just natural that yeah you ought to be sure probably too um and then

From there, we brought him home, and like you do after you bring a new baby home, family comes to visit. Twin brother and his family, his wife, stopped by and congratulated us. It was kind of unexpected. He started to kind of question me and berate me about why we were going to circumcise him. Really? I just kind of brushed it off and went on about my day and didn't think too much of it.

And then my wife and his wife were texting back and forth about it later on, a week or two later. And they talked about it and said that whenever they decide to... It's a real Kansas paste to this one. I'm loving it. They talked about whenever they have a son that they won't circumcise it. And when my wife asked why, she said, well...

Her husband, my twin brother, isn't circumcised. What the fuck? From there, it just kind of got confusing. I didn't... Yes. I assumed from... Of course you assumed you both had the same thing done. Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical, your parents are doing weird science stuff. Yeah, they really... It's like twins. Yes. Are you guys identical? Yes. What the fuck? What should we call your brother, just whether it's his real name? You can call him Paul. Paul, okay. Okay.

And you're cut, and you don't think Paul is cut. Well, he doesn't know, but his wife said he's not. Maybe she doesn't know what cut is. Maybe they just did a better job on you. Yeah, maybe his is like, yeah, he's got that kind of mop top. So where else do we end up here? Because this is wild. Are your parents alive? Yes. Okay. There we go. So when you brought up that you're going to circumcise your son, Paul kind of pushed back and said, like, no.

And then he said, because I'm not, why would we do this? And you said, because I was circumcised. He never said that to me. It was his wife who said to my wife that he's not. That's crazy. Is there any other setup on this one? It's like one of those riddles where the answer is like, the doctor's the mother. So is there any other details about this? It kind of sprang to mind that maybe it had something to do with

telling us apart when we were first born. Whether... Wait, what did you do? As a way to tell the boys apart, they had different dicks.

Boys, which one's which? Pull your pants down. Well, that works when you're nude. Yeah. It's a tough one when you're clothed. Gets tougher when school starts. Unless you're wearing really tight clothes. Or just wearing that dick like an elephant's trunk on your shoes. If you have a rash guard on with no underpants, yeah. Maybe. Not me. No, no. Like a mannequin. Jake, we know which one's you. Can you...

Not. Mom, why'd you cut the whole thing off? All you left was nuts. My twin brother's got a heart down to his knees. That's it. That's a problem. This is a small issue. Having a twin brother with a cock that's way bigger, that's significant. So, Robert, just to catch up to you, you and your brother were twins. You're cut. He's uncut.

Maybe it's because your parents wanted to be able to tell you apart. Is there anything else before we start getting into this? This is a wild call. That's it, really. That's crazy. Okay, so what is the specific question that we can help you with? This is a fascinating setup. I want to know whether he is or not, whether he's just mistaken or... Okay.

You want to see your twin brother's dick? Robert, own it and just say it. Let's manifest. So we now know the situation on this. Yes. Does anybody have an initial pitch? I'm still in a bit of shock, to be quite honest with you. Now, let me just bring something up to you, Robert. Is there any world...

And you know your family better than yours. I don't want to put your parents, who are probably, if you're in your 30s, we're guessing 60s in Kansas. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable spot. But is this a world you can bring this up to mom and dad? Yeah, that's your easiest path. It would catch them off guard, but I can't.

I could. I'm not entirely sure how I would say that. Okay, so that doesn't seem comfortable. So we're looking for a way to accidentally get at Paul's dick. Well, there's really, there's two places where as men we see each other's dick. Hold on, I have a quick, go ahead. Is there a rift at the current moment between you and your brother? No, we're a close family. We're a close bunch. You ask because of the circumcision. Well, I said, well, I mean,

Why wouldn't you just ask your brother? It's a fair point, too. Right. But also that feels too simple. Part of the reason why I didn't is because it's hard for me to tell whether he knows what circumcision is. Yeah. It's a very strange predicament. Hold on, Max. I get that. You get that? Do you know what circumcision is? It's a medical procedure. I don't know every medical procedure. How about this one?

What? What circumcision? Where you cut the top off? Yes! Yeah. You don't think your brother knows that there's like the weird like skin part that some kids get cut off and some don't? Not if it's not done to him. All right, I got a question for you Robert. Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare dicks? Whoa. I know it's weird, but you could say, is there any world you could say we're talking, have you done it to your son yet?

Yeah. I was going to say, if you had, you could say, I want to see the difference before I do it to my kids. Well, again, I'm sort of glad that we can't pursue that path, if I'm being totally honest, on behalf of the show. But part of it, if he doesn't know, if his brother knows, you can't just ask. Going to mom and dad does not seem like a through line. What we need to pitch on, in my opinion, is how we get Paul's pants off. Yes, we've got to do... Max? Yeah.

Well, one, I think it's a mistake to involve the child. Agreed. The baby boy. Well, that was your first pitch. Yeah, no. You say agree really quick, but he's talking about what you just said. You went right to, I think we need to get the boy and bring the boy's dick out. Bring the golden child before us. Misquoted. Misquoted. I'm not saying bring the boy's dick out. I'm saying because... That's what he said. I think it would be a good idea. Show your brother your...

Your dick because I'm thinking about doing it to my son not how it came across the boys take out It's a baby you pervert no don't you have my twins dick if you're identical twin half that dick is mine My god, that is not legally sound. I don't think you should involve the bullet boy. I agree. Well finally glad you came around Jay. Oh

All right, Max, 100% agree. Don't involve the boy. That guy's, let's say you're- Stop pointing at my dick. Yeah, it's weird. When you're doing it, man.

What's my dick got to do with anything? I'm pretending we're twins. You're pretending I'm a little boy. No. By the way. You're my Paul. No. You're not a baby boy. I can tell. Spread those legs, baby boy. We're doing twins. Let me see that little baby boy dick. Because I'm going to circumcise you because I'm your dad. And I'm doing it in-house. I know you well enough. You're looking at me like a child. You've done this to me before. I'm like, I'm. What a.

No, you're my brother. You're not. I don't play the brother. I'm not standing for you. I said to you, show me your dick. And I'm a little boy. You said I'm the boy. I'm the baby. Nope. That is what you were. That's what it came across as. Not going down on this. Kevin, put it back in the episode because I think it's very. I left with the same feeling that you were asking for. That's why you're sitting on that couch. Yeah, that's why we've got a couch between us. Robert, back to you and your brother.

It's very good. We need to find a way. Are you kind of pitching? And I don't want to pitch on stuff. And at the end of the day, you hang up and say that didn't help. Right. Are you looking for a way to try to accidentally see Paul's dick? Yes. Or are you looking for a way to have a conversation with Paul and we could help get that language right? What's the best path forward for you? Where is your gut leaning towards?

Probably some form of conversation, I'd say. I just don't know what to say. I wonder why we got to seeing his dick then. It felt like that's where you were leading us and now you turned on me. It's a shame because I have great let's see his dick pitches. Let's hear the first one. The first one is you say, hey, look, I know we had a little circumcision friction. Yeah. Let's go get a beer. And you take him to a place where you know the urinal's a trough.

And you do a couple beers, and a couple beers deep, when he gets up to go to the bathroom, you go with him, and you just glance down at the schlong real quick. You do the look over. Yeah. Well, I think you're right in the sense that drinks need to be involved. Yes. Are you guys drinkers, Robert? Not so much. Okay. Sometimes, but I do like your idea of doing some form of kind of a bathroom thing.

Look, see kind of a sneak to see. Yeah, because, Robert, you're the one that said you're not sure if he knows if he's circumcised or did someone in here say that? No, he doesn't. That's true. That's what I said. I don't know that he knows what he's talking about. Right. So if there's a conversation and you go, have you been circumcised? He could say no. And he has been. Yeah. So, yeah, I think and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence. You got to see the dick. Yep.

I really feel like it's a parent's decision because there was somebody who made that call. I think this is a two-parter. It's one, you should try to see the dick, and two, I actually think you should go to mom and dad over Paul. Max, what are you thinking? - Again, I'm gonna come back to the simple, which is just ask your brother. And say, "Hey, man." And even if he doesn't know what circumcision means,

Hey, man, will you describe what your dick looks like? Oh, no way with this flying Kansas. You ain't that guy. You can't do it publicly. You ain't that guy. All right. Hey, will you describe what your dick looks to me? I'll take you to the jiu-jitsu mat right now. We'll have some calamari for the table. For talk like that. All right. But you asked totally sober. Yeah. Seven drinks in, ask me. Hey, man, could you just... No, you're not seven drinks in.

I am seven drinks in max. Alright. It's a problem. 11. 15. Hey man. It's been a good night, man. It's been fun, brother. We don't do this anymore. I'll tell you who we got right now. Robert and Paul, couple of farmers. That ain't our vibe. Yeah, man. It's cool to feel different, man. We are good actors, man.

Hey man, describe to me what your dick looks like. Hey man, what's that hog look like? The top part. You're crazy, man. You are, man. You're asking about my dick? Yeah, man, just curious. We're identical twin brothers. We have the same dick. That'd be crazy. I never even really thought about that. We should look at him.

Can you, cause like our faces look alike, our hair looks alike, our bodies look alike. We got the same size feet. It's nuts, dude. I could like put my, I could put my shoes on your feet right now and they'd fit, dude. We should see each other's dick, man. It's the one, it's like the last frontier. Let's see if everything is the same. Okay, hold on. And then you take them off and then you look at it and you get the information that you need, but don't like...

Don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information and then you just go, same! Robert, Robert, did you hear Max's pitch? Name one flaw. No, hold on. Robert, I want you to try something. Just as an exercise. Will you be Robert, Max, you be Paul?

Yeah. And Robert, I want you to try to do your version of what Max just did to see if you can get to see your brother's dick, but do it in your world. Wait, I'm the brother? You're the brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Robert, the way Max was kind of leading it, let's see if there's a world you can be influenced by that and we can help with it. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. I'll give it a try. All right. Good luck, buddy. All right, all right. So hold on. Just to be clear, how old are we?

32. 32, and I live in Kansas. And what do you guys do in Kansas? What kind of stuff? I play a lot of music. What's my height and weight? 4'11", 350. Mostly hog. That works. Okay. All right, Robert. Don't make this a fantasy. Can I see you, Dickie? Yes! 4'11", 350. By the way, you know who's got it? Joey. I'm sure. Robert, go ahead.

Hey, buddy. How about another drink there? Oh, thanks, Robert. Appreciate it. More than usual we're having tonight. Look at us. Look at us. Oh, man. How about them Chiefs? How about them, huh? Patrick Mahomes. All right.

It's a little hot out here. Think about maybe taking my shirt off. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Shit, man, I'll take my shirt off too. You're right, man. I feel better. It's awful quiet today, bro. It's still real warm, isn't it? It's still real warm. Yeah, dude. This place is hot as shit. They got to open up some windows in this motherfucker. I mean, you can take your pants off. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Goddamn. We're brothers after all. Nah, man, I was thinking the same thing. Let me just hold on real quick. I got this new belt. Shit. Oh, hell yeah. This feels much better just sitting here in our underpants. It's cool that nobody's saying anything either. They're letting us be us. They know we're brothers. They know. We're not friends. We look really, really similar, don't we? That's because we're identical twins, my brother, and I love you.

Are we perfectly identical in every way, you think? Well, I'm looking at you right now. Everything looks the same to me. Gosh almighty. Let me say something. You're handsome, too. That's very nice of you to say. Are we identical in every way, you think? Well, I'm looking at you. You're looking at me, man. For sure. Look at us. I mean, there are some differences, I guess. But, you know, I mean, like my eyebrows feel a little bit differently. But I don't know. What do you mean, man? No.

That was a cool noise. Are you circumcised? What? Am I what? Have another drink. You just said a word I don't know. You don't know what that word means? You said something about a circumtise? What? Circumcised. I'm sorry, brother. I don't know what you're talking about. Can you elaborate? That's all I got, man. Oh!

Robert, keep going. I promise you. Finish it off. Finish it. You're right there. Back in. Back in. Do you want me to describe what circumcision is to you? Well, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that means. When you're a little boy or a baby, when you're first born, they cut your foreskin off. Do you know what foreskin is? I sure don't.

Well, maybe we'll do a Google search together here and I'll show you the difference. Yeah, I'll look it up right now. But why are you guys in your underpants? Ha ha ha!

You led the horse to water and then you kicked it in its ass. You don't get a guy in his underpants in a bar and then do a Google search. If you do, do that with your clothes on. Although it is a nice, it's nice. It's nice to picture. I got to tell you, that was my favorite reenactment we've done. That was as why Robert, your timing is excellent.

It's really weird stuff. Don't sleep on Paul's timing. Agreed. Paul's incredible. But I know who Paul is. I know. Yeah, you're right. I know Paul's work. I'm a diehard Paul guy. I don't know Robert. So, Robert, why didn't you finish? It's just awkward. How do I tell my brother that? It's awkward. Agreed, man. Here, hold on. Let's not be out. Gareth, you take over. Okay. All right. I'm Paul. So hold on. Is this a scientific thing?

Well, this is hygienic. Why can't you use all these big... Well, it's a good way to keep it clean. It's like, you know, like, you ever watch, like, 600 Pound Sisters? A lot of stuff gets caught under the layers of skin. Keep what clean? The tip. Oh? The penis. The penis's tip. Oh, come on, man. No, I'm serious. I know. Well, I don't know why I got us naked, to be honest. I kind of...

You said it was hot as shit? It is hot as shit. I feel good in our underpants. I'm hot. I was hot too, man. I felt good. I'm just sitting here in my underpants and now you're talking about I'm a dick and you're making it all weird. Well, just the tip is sometimes the doctor takes the tip so that in future it's not as hard to keep it clean. And did the doctor take your tip? I don't know. I got something, Robert. Oh, no, wait. This is the moment. This is the moment. My tip's gone. So I have no tip left.

Looks like a helmet. Maybe I should look at mine again. Yeah, get it out. Let's maybe look at it together. Let's look at it together. And I'll tell you if you have yours circumcised or not. Okay. Let me just quickly tell everyone the bar to look away. Yeah, give them a heads up.

Hey, man, don't look over here. All right. I think that's the move. I don't think so. Jake was in Video Village writing notes the whole time. But I actually think this led us to something that could work, Robert, but it's really weird. Drugging. That's another option. But I think what this could work, there's one guy, if there's a medical condition you're going through, there's one person who could help you out.

Your twin. It's like a liver donor. It's like he's a perfect match. And you could say you're having something that's happening with your genitals. And you're asking, as in a really embarrassing flavor, can he take a photo or can you see his dick to see if what's happening, the rash on his, is abnormal or what have you. So you're asking as like a, we're the same thing.

But I want to know if you're having the same thing that I'm having. And I think it's because of being circumcised. And I think your wife said you're not. And I'm wondering if it was a big mistake that I did and a mistake I did for my kid. Are you experiencing this? And maybe show him a photo of the tip of yours and be like, does it look like this? And he goes, no. And I go, what's different? And he goes, I got skin going over. And then you realize...

Oh, we have different dicks. Then the question becomes, why did mom and dad do this? But if you go over that buildup you did with the first Robert and Paul, that felt really weird to me, my man. The really slow rhythm that you guys drinking beer. It was a will they won't they? Which I enjoyed. I think you're alone in this. I don't think so. It was a good take.

But I will say, Robert, I think there's a world where you can blame this idea of you have a question about your penis. It's embarrassing. He's the only guy who can answer it where you could say, like, do you have this blank issue? Guys, what do you think of that?

We're looking for a solution here. I like it. I also think if we're going to go the conversation route, I know I pitched it. I think get a look at it. I think the best way to do it is to get a look at it at a urinal. But the wives have already been talking about this a little bit, right? This is where the information came from. I hear what you're saying. So why not have your wife talk to his wife and be like, hey, I just want to make sure we're clear just because...

I think you might be right. Robert is cut. Paul did not have the tip of his penis cut. Hey, Robert, what do you think about using the wife's to have this talk? It's normal girl gabs. I mean, yeah, it is pretty normal girl gab. You're right about that. Especially if you guys aren't around. Just default it to them. Robert, I'm also going to ask a totally different question. What are you going to do with the information once you get it? That's the second part of this. I don't know what to do.

Wait. What does it matter? Write a song about it? I don't understand.

there's two situations well sure then he just doesn't doesn't know what he's talking about right or he's not and then we need to know why if he's not it opens up a big can of worms about your family in a real way yeah if he doesn't know what circumcision is kind of who cares he might be a little bit yeah whatever you know his light bulb might be a little dim who cares if your parents circumcised one of you and not the other and never told you

You ever seen the documentary Three Identical Twins? Oh, my lord. Yeah. Just weird stuff you can do with identical twins. Yeah. That isn't about their penises. No. But these are questions I would ask mom and dad then. My advice to you, Robert, is I think you trying to do the weird let's take our shirts off, our pants off, it's hot in here, it's going to put you and Paul in a bad spot. It's fun. It's fun. It was a lot of fun to be around. It was the hardest I've laughed in a while. I think it might be the hardest I've laughed on the show. But I don't think it's the move. No.

I like the idea of medical procedure. It's hard. It's hard to do photos of it. I think Gareth is right. I think his wife is leading out very firmly. He is not circumcised. She might not know what it is. So if your wife goes, my husband is 100% circumcised, I don't understand why he wouldn't be. And then if she says he's not, then you could Google it together. The wife's.

And she could say his dick is like that. Then if you find out you and Paul together can go to mom and dad and just go, hey, on the show, please, as a follow up, please. I'd never wanted to follow up more. We'll pay. We will literally pay for your phone. This is when I'd go to Kansas. But the next step, Robert, is going to mom and dad because the why on this, if it's to tell you apart.

That's about as weird as it gets. And if it's not, what happened? The doctor died? Yeah. Like there's no reason. Lightning strikes. There's no reason. But so Robert, will you ask your wife to take the lead on this? I can do that. I'm also kind of leaning a two-pronged approach. What's the other prong? What's prong two? I thought about what you mentioned earlier about filling full liquids and then trying to get a peak. Listen, let's do both. Let's do both. Okay.

Let's do both. Hey, worst case scenario, you find out what his dick looks like twice. Agreed. Robert, I can't think of one thing that's bad about you, my man. No, Robert, listen. If you're ever in L.A., do not... You want a career? You want to hang out? You want to stay with Jake in his garage where he has a jujitsu man?

So, Robert, will you genuinely please follow up with us? Are you going to start with getting him drunk and get a look at that hog? Or are you going to start with the wives? I think I'll start with trying to get a peek. Okay. Robert, I mean this. I'm really proud of you. Okay. So after the peek works or doesn't work, how are you going to do the peek? Will you walk us through actually what you're going to do? I think it's just as simple as...

we're both out out eating somewhere or out of the bar and then if it's a

bathroom with two urinals. I mean, it could be anywhere. Well, you make sure that you take them to a place that's trough-based. But it's like the godfather. You need to set it up. You need to have the right bathroom then. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, you definitely got to make sure. You call the place. You know, you ask a question they've never been asked before. Hey, do your urinals have dividers? There's kind of an open space for men to wet their penis whistle. Oh, it's open? Yeah. Can I make a reservation for tonight at 8? Ha ha ha ha ha!

And then once he goes in, then I'll just follow. Yep. You very simply do the, ah, I'll hit it too. And then go right next to him, keep talking, and get a look at his deck. Yep. Robert, we appreciate the call, buddy. Keep us very posted. Thank you. Thanks, pal. We'll keep you posted. Right on, Robert. Good luck. God bless.

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Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping on orders of $75 or more at MeUndies.com slash Here to Help. Enter promo code Here to Help. That's MeUndies.com slash Here to Help. Code Here to Help for 20% off. MeUndies. Comfort from the outside in. Hi, can we get your name, please? My name's Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Where are you calling from, Sarah? I'm calling from Utah. Utah. And how old are you, Sarah?

i'm 23. hey did you ever watch new girl i did you did but we got schmitty here hey sarah don't stop bring him back right here so sarah what can you what can we do for me utah 23

What's the issue today? The floor is yours. A couple months ago, I bought a leopard gecko. I don't know if you know what that is. I do not, no. But it's a really common pet. They are spotty. They always have a really derpy face. They're so cute. It's a lizard. So I always wanted one. They're a lizard. Oh, but with the spots. Gotcha. I told my...

I told my husband's family all about it, which his little cousin, let's name him Timmy, proceeded to ask if I ever go on vacation, if he could watch the lizard. And I said, oh, of course, I'm actually going to Hawaii in May. You can watch it then.

Couple months go by, we put our house up for sale. So I decided it'd be easier just to sell the lizard. So I did. I sold her in late March. Until two days ago, I went to a barbecue, a family barbecue. And the little boy runs up to me, Timmy, and he says, when am I watching the gecko? I know it's this month. I've been raising dubia roaches to feed the gecko as a pet. Okay.

Okay. So he's been prepping for months for this. And me, being the awkward person I am, said that, oh, that will be so fun. Just pretending like I hadn't just sold the gecko a month and a half ago. Sarah. So now I leave on May...

21st and they're expecting me to drop a gecko off on the 20th. So what should I do? The most things I come up with is just telling them that it died. Pretty good. Two quick questions. How old is Timmy?

Kimmy is about six. Six, man. Okay, that's going to be hard to disappoint a six-year-old. And what were you talking about with the roaches? He's raising roaches to feed the gecko. The little boy is? Let me tell you something. I have two dogs. My kids don't do shit. Yeah.

This kid is raising... Yeah, he's raised... Roaches? He's ready for his own gecko. Can you have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, is it time for Timmy to have his own gecko? I like that. Well, they had told him if he did a good job watching my gecko, they would think about giving him his own gecko. But you can have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, this is what happened. They'll understand your side of it. And then maybe...

We get Timmy his own gecko. Clearly, he's a responsible kid. Yeah, but here's the catch. What if Timmy's not ready for it and the parents don't want the gecko? Does Sarah take the gecko back then? No. I mean, look, you know how you find out if you're not ready for the gecko? The gecko dies. I'm not rooting for it, but, you know, that's life in the fast lane. So, Sarah, Max's pitch is...

You asked the family to buy a gecko. What are these? When you said you sold it, what are these costs? If you want to take responsibility, Sarah can buy the gecko for the child. Quick question. What is a gecko? When you said you sold it on the market, what does a gecko run for? Is it $10? Is it $500? It's a wild question. What's a leopard gecko cost? Well, it needs at least like a 20-gallon tank. Okay, but you have a tank.

I had one. Oh, you sold everything. I rehomed the Gecko. Oh, okay. So how much... The Gecko is gone. So when you sold everything, how much cash did that person from Craigslist give to you in your garage? About $300. Okay. $300 in your world is pretty significant, yes?

Yeah, yeah, we're right out of college. So spending $300 for little Timmy is not really what you want to do right before you go to Hawaii and piss a bunch of money on drinks and food in a hotel. Yeah, it's not... It's not ideal. And you said talk to the parent. I had already essentially lied to her, too, because she was like, oh, I just need to know the plan, and I just said...

Well, I'm leaving the 21st because I'm an awkward person. Yes, I get it. That leads us to the pitch that I think you had, which is that the gecko dies. The gecko died.

I think you have to deliver some bad. Well, what the fuck else are we going to do? I mean, this kid is raising goddamn roaches. Take responsibility for your for your lies and own up to it. Well, you know what show you're on, you idiot. What do you think this is, Dr. Phil? They're not here to hurt. So. So hold on. Let me just click because I'm with you, Sarah, on this one.

You had a gecko, a little leopard guy. You spent about $300. You had the whole system. Little Timmy got excited. You said free babysitter? Yes. The parents will help.

You then were moving. You didn't want to move away that you sold it. You got 300 bucks. What'd you put into this whole gaggle? Did you just break even or was there a profit on this little guy? This is not a shark tanky. I actually lost money on it. Okay. So you lost a little bit of money. Then it's coming up. And in the moment, will you walk us through why you lied? Yes.

And I don't have any judgment. I just want to kind of get a sense of that moment. I have quite severe anxiety. And my husband decided he wasn't going to go to the barbecue. So you went solo. Whose party is this that you went to that your husband didn't? Your family?

No, it's his family. It was his brother's graduation party. So first of all, he screwed you, but that's not what this call's about. So you go to a party, your goddamn anxiety is spiking. If I'm you, stay away from the cheese, you're going to get spider bites. I'm not even there for one minute.

when the aunt comes up to me and was like, so I need to know all the details. Okay. And she said, Kimmy's going to come and ask you because we've been working on his words to come and ask you this hard question of when you're going to drop the gas. And walk me through your anxiety level at this moment. Are you a 10 out of 10? Oh, man. Yes. Okay. I was already working myself in the car. I'm like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go get a hamburger. I'm going to leave.

By the way, are you me? Yeah, what are you? I mean, honestly. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. I'm going to go get four hamburgers, then I'm going to eat a bowl of that weird chili. I'm going to freak everyone out and then get in the car and go home. Then I might go, hard seltzers aren't really alcohol. Drink about nine of them and go, after eight they are. Take a bag of Snyder's, eat them in the car. Nobody knows. Hey, yeah, Sarah. Hey, Timmy, I'm a gecko. Take care of me. I'm not eating roaches. Stay away from Sarah. Stay away from Sarah. Everyone back away from Sarah. Sarah.

So your thought is, I'm going to eat a hamburger, I'm going to do the rounds, I'm going to do the right thing by my partner or my husband, and I'm going to get out of here. This little boy bombards you. Yes. And what does this little guy say? So he, you know, is hiding behind his mom. He finally gets up the courage to say, when are you going to drop the gecko off? I'm so excited. What was the gecko's name? You don't have to worry about food. Sarah, what do we call this little lizard? The gecko's name...

- It was Binks after Jar Jar Binks. - Okay, so he's like, "When do I get my hands up?" - Equal success level with this gecko and Jar Jar, I'd say. - So he goes, "When do I get my hands on this lizard?" And you go, what? - I go, "I leave on the 21st." I don't mention the gecko, I just say, "This is when I leave." - Okay, and then what happens? - And then he's like, "Well, great. Don't worry about food. I've been raising roaches for it." - That's a turn, dude. - Jesus.

That's going to shatter. This is a nightmare. I'm throwing the hamburger on the ground at that point. I'm out of here. Sarah. I've been raising roaches, and you hadn't asked him to do this.

No, no. I had told him that leopard geckos are hard because they have to eat live food. Fuck. Let me ask you this, Sarah. Do you have any contact with the person you sold the gecko to? Good question. None at all. I thought about finding someone who would rent me a gecko,

but it's really hard to find someone who will rent their gecko i don't think there's a big business for renting geckos and tanks yeah and i like to invest in bad businesses i don't see an upside there no it means you might want to throw a little money in the gecko market if i'm being honest yeah but like rent a gecko the kind of person that's not a hot business that's one in a million yeah no you're right yeah okay so we're in a situation where the trip is coming up you have told a lie

You got to get out of it. This little boy is very excited. He started a roach farm. There's talk that his family might do it, but we don't know if they're going to follow. You might have to ghost them. They can't. It's his husband's family.

I honestly think, I'm going back to the beginning here, Sarah, and a tragedy occurred. I think it had to die. Because I was going to pitch the idea of like a fake one that you get a little. Yeah, but he's going to. But then he's going to think it dies. He's going to see a cage full of roaches and be like, Binks isn't eating. Binks is going hungry. As roaches are just overtaking this little aquarium. Or here's an idea. Here's a weird one.

You get a little tank and you get like a little enclosure and you say they're very shy. You can't interrupt them if they're in the enclosure. This is absolutely insane. And you get a little thing of like clay in the corner of it so he can see the outline. A clay base. And you go like, so they're very nervous. He might not come out, but you just put the roaches in there if he wants to eat. Just wait. And then after a few days you come back and you go...

You go, great. And he goes, how was it? He never came out. And you go like, oh, well, he sometimes does that. Well, as long as nobody looks. Listen, if we're not going the route of being honest and owning up to it, and we're going to put a lie on the lie, you've got to sell it. And I think you get a tattoo of the... R.I.P. Binks? Yeah, R.I.P. Binks. Just a Binks tattoo. And then you say, hey, little boy Timmy. Hey, little guy. Hey, little guy.

You know how you have to back out of the driveway? Careful, you'll be Timmy. Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. You know how we just got that new Dodge Ram? Okay. The car? Yeah. Okay. Wait, Max, are you Sarah?

I dipped into Paul a little bit there. You dipped into, yeah, yeah, the hot draft. Cool cowboy vibes. I didn't know who that guy was. Why are your clothes off? Are you a circumcised little guy? This is Sarah Utah. That's not a gecko at all. And it ain't dead either.

Hey, so you know how we rented the Sienna for the last couple months? The car? Yeah. We love it. We fit so much stuff in there. We drive around. Anyway, we have to back out of the driveway. At your house? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you know...

Sometimes, you know how we let Binks run out in the front yard? That's dangerous. Well, Binks loves it. I can't wait to meet Binks again because I have all the roaches ready to go. He's going to eat so well while you're gone. That's the thing. Exciting. We were pulling out of the driveway and we'd forgotten to put Binks back in the house. Oh, no. No. Don't say it. Your dad ran over Binks. Wait, my dad did?

Why was my dad over at your house? That was a turn, Sarah. Watch. Don't... Because, Sarah, if we're going to do this, don't put it on you. My dad was over at your house and he ran over Pink. Yeah, and I knew how badly he would feel about it. Oh, my God. So I didn't tell him. But I didn't... Is Binks okay? I didn't do it. Is Binks okay? Binks is dead. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. But I had all the roaches...

Save them. They'll be useful for something. What will they be useful for? Maybe they could be your pets. What? You could take care of the roaches. You can name them. You can give them all Star Wars names. Sarah, what do you think about honestly telling the family that Binks died? Is that a path you're comfortable with? I feel like it might be one of my only options.

- Great change of voice there. That was, you were not comfortable. - This is a situa- yes. You don't want to hurt this little kid. - No, I get it. But the kid's gonna get hurt. - It's common. - And here's why, Sarah. So Max is pushing towards, this is so easy. This is obvious. Just tell the truth, right? And own up to your lie.

Is that correct? Yes. And so that version, Sarah, is you calling Timmy's mom and saying, hey, I sold binks like two months ago at the party. I had anxiety and I lied to you. It's now coming up, but there's no binks. Then that mom is going to go, what the fuck? Because now I have to say to my, I have to handle your mess because your lie is

So you could do that, or you could do the other lie, and that is you just call the parents and you say, I've got very bad news. Binks died. Or. Or. Or. Or. Please. To your weird clay gecko. Yeah. Get a fake one. Okay.

Put it on a rock in the fucking thing. Yeah. Take it over there. Yeah, keep going. Don't listen to Max. Keep going. This might be right. Timmy killed the gecko. Interesting. Tim, you brought over a living gecko. That's going to traumatize the guy, huh? We are... What are we going to do here? We're in a danger zone. There's no... This kid is...

We're hurting Timmy. So, Sarah. Forget about Timmy. Well, you hurt yourself when you made the lie. Agreed. And you're only going to make it worse if you keep on lying. Keep lying. First of all, I thought your reaction as a mom was super intense. You do? Yes. Really? Yes. It was like a friendship ender. Now, here's not a friendship ender to me. If somebody said to my kid, my kid's all excited, and then they said as soon as they sold it, we sold it. Fine.

This lady came to my house, ate a hamburger, told my kid it's coming up. All right. This is a weird lie. I know. I'm Sarah and I go to the mom. Okay. I'm the mom? Yeah. Okay. So Sarah, how quick until this trip starts? I just need these facts. 21st, right? You're leaving in about two weeks. Yeah. So when was the barbecue when you lied?

two days ago okay fresher than i thought fresher than i thought yeah uh imagine how annoying timmy has been to this mom keep that in mind all this kid talks about is this geico sure and the roaches okay hey honey hey mom i'm not your mom i know but you're timmy's mom and i need to talk to you get out of here

I want to talk to you about my anxiety. I don't know you that well. I have a mental health issue. And sometimes I've... It's...

You know the gecko I had? Binks, yeah. My son's very excited. Timmy is so excited. I know. He's raising these roaches. I know he is. It is a whole thing. I know he is. I'm not excited about it. We got rid of the binks. The spotted gecko. We got rid of it. What do you mean? We got rid of it. We were moving it. I was moving the house and we needed to get rid of it. So we don't have it anymore. But because of my anxiety. When did you sell it? I don't know. A month ago?

Why didn't you tell me I would have fucking bought it from my son? Because I didn't fucking think of you the moment I sold the thing. I was thinking about the house. Well, you're in a financial crisis. The first thing you got to do is sell a lizard? Get a job, bitch. You told my kid he's been raising roaches. You sell it a month ago. You're telling me right now like it's normal? I'll buy the roaches off of him. I'm offering to buy the roaches. Fine, the roaches cost $5,000. Come on, the roaches don't cost $5,000. The roaches...

You had an opportunity. You know we're thinking about getting a lizard. What are you on drugs? You're a drug addict? You got it? What do you sell it in an alley? I'll go right back to this. You sell a lizard in an alley? Not my selling a lizard. Your little boy came up to me and he was all right. My little boy is making roaches. He's the most annoying little shit I've ever met in my entire life. What kind of kid raises roaches? Hi, Sarah. Hey, Timmy. Hi.

This is your kind of aunt. Why are you yelling? Oh, we just got worked up, honey. So, Sarah, is there anything you want to say to Timmy? Can't wait to see Binks. Anything that you want to say? Yes. Sarah, go ahead. Timmy, Binks died.

because of your dad sarah thank you very well very good please follow up let us wait are you gonna actually what are you gonna really do really fast oh yeah i think i'm gonna say that dinks died yeah and since my husband was the reason this happened i'm gonna blame it on him

May I add another layer? Your husband brought up Timmy. No, my husband led golfing. So he's the reason. Oh, because he wasn't at the party. That's why it's his fault. So if he was there, I could have done it. I could have told the truth. I think that's right. Okay. So Gareth, what were you going to say? Well, I think that works. I was going to say, have your husband deliver the news.

Put it all on him. He's closer. He's got more of a track record. It's his fault. He relays to them. The bad news is, is that this is why you get married. The lizard, the lizard passed away from natural causes. What do you think of that? Or do you want to do it?

Oh, I'm not going to do it. Okay, so... Jesus Christ, I thought it was an option. You really... I didn't realize it. I mean, we did like five reenactments where you're delivering the news. You don't want to jump in at one point and let us know that wasn't a play. I didn't realize it wasn't an option. You heard how it played out. It was horrible every time. Stop doing that shit. No, my husband is the only option. I'm going to go with the clay option. By the way, I already told him I just wanted to call the show. Why don't you make one of those cakes, those hyper-realistic cakes? We need a hologram. Yes.

And then when he discovers it's dead, he'd just take a big bite of it. He's the lion. Oh, my God. Traumatize him. Make a cake lizard. Use chocolate. He was like, that pig's just chocolate.

So, Sarah, the final advice is you're going to, and the thing you said you're going to do is you're going to have your husband tell the family that the Geico has died. The Gecko. Is that true? The Gecko. What did I say? Geico? Geico. You're doing the insurance. Free ad. Yes. Or buy a new Gecko. Those are the same. Wow. You are a real. I mean, if you're going to buy a new one. Let's go. Is that a real option?

That's what I thought about it. And then telling them that they could buy it from me. Yes. I like that. Hold on. That's actually a real play.

You buy... He's very into the finances. Yes, Jake right now, yeah. But here's a real... I'm not trying to get a profit. No, you want a cut. Yes, you are. I mean, I'll make a little bit of something. So we're $300 all in. If you sell the thing, can I get $300? But Sarah, this is... I want one point. So this is a real option. I want backdoor. What if you actually buy the tank, buy the thing, give it to her...

When Timmy's done, go, you did so good. Then say to the parents, if you guys are considering getting one, I would be open to sell you this. And I would just do it for what I paid, 500 bucks. How about just this? He wants one so badly. I'm kind of getting sick of it. Keep going. No, you just go, I want to buy you one. Like, we bought you one. And if it's okay with the parents. She doesn't want to go down to 300 bucks.

I think you do it. I think you buy it and sell it to them. She's trying to get her parents to reimburse. Sell it to them. But that's fine. You go afterwards. You go, how was it? And here's the way. You know what you could do? Go ahead. You could front load that plan by saying, hey, look, I think let's do the trial run where he looks after it. And then do you guys just want to buy it off me after the Hawaii trip? What if they say no? Then you say it's a natural cause. Yes. You say, listen, this is going to sound crazy, but it died. Or...

I mean, that's really it. That's it. That's the end of my pitch. - Sam, here's what I really think. Here's what I really, in my heart of hearts, believe. We've led you to some weird ones. I wouldn't do the clay one. That feels really crazy. If you get caught, you're in a danger zone in that community. - Oh yeah, you're a legend. - The lying about dying feels really strange to me. Here's what I would actually do if I were you. I would text the parents

and say, "I'm not against selling it to you guys at cost," you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, if he's into it. And so this could be a trial run. I'm kind of done with my gecko phase of life. And so if he's already raising them, the parents know they're eventually gonna buy a fucking system for this gecko. So afterwards you just say, "How'd it go?" They go, "Good." And you go, "Look, the whole thing could just be yours. "300 bucks." And they go, "Great."

I mean, whatever you want to say in the last second. I like that. Let your hamburger anxiety take over. Yeah, yeah. How much is it? $25? I got a callback wire. I'll pay you. But Sarah, what do you think of just fucking going for it? Because we don't want to hurt Timmy. Getting him a fucking gecko. What if you go with the clay one, but...

You don't give him the clay one. You take the clay one with you to Hawaii, and you take pictures of you with the clay one. - You're taking the gecko. - You Weekend at Bernie's this thing. And then...

You you let them know on the weekend of pink season. Oh my god. I forgot to drop it off It's been evidence. We left them in Hawaii. He wanted to stay he was so happy He met all of his relative relatives and other iguanas and shit and then he drank the water You left them there. It was beautiful How could I bring him back or I tried to bring him back? He was finally home. He's a natural habitat. They killed him at customs Is that your pitch Jake?

So, Sarah, now with these new round of pitches, what do you think you're going to do? Is there any world you're going to just buy it and go for it? Because I think what's going to happen is they're going to love it. Timmy's going to crush his weekend. His little roaches are going to be perfect. He's going to fall in love. The parents are going to go. I mean, it's...

He's literally growing roaches. The best twist is the roaches kill the gecko. Yes. But what do you think of that as a plan with the idea of afterwards you figure out a fair price and you sell to him? Would you think about doing that? Where are you at? Yes. I've actually been looking on Craigslist to see if there's anybody that already has a whole setup that is looking to get rid of it.

Okay, I can just pick up and then take to their house Why don't you get them a really small cage just for the weekend like a little starter kit and what they can then buy whatever they want after go to PetSmart and get in a $20 a little home for say you broke the other one it cracked or you don't want to travel with it Sure, that's a good idea But you just get like one of those little travel cheap ones and then you go this is just for the weekend and then go You want it the fucking gecko? What do you spend? Good. What do you go to PetSmart buy one of those lizards for 18 bucks? That's not a $300 creature

It's $340. So $40 and a $15 thing, it's already got its food. You're $65 in. But what do you think about that? Go and spend $40 on the little lizard, $15 on the little cage, bringing it there for the weekend. If they want to get another big cage, fucking go for it. I like that. I think I'll do that. Sarah, I think this is the best way out of a very weird hamburger lie. Yes. That's why I called this podcast. Well, we're happy. Listen, it's been a great two hours, and

I never thought I'd say gecko so many goddamn times. And we appreciate it. And appreciate. Max, we appreciate you. Thank you, Max. Sarah, hopefully we helped you. Keep us posted, Sarah. I think you did. This is insane. But are you going to actually do this?

oh yeah i'm probably going to go to pet smart now thank you i think this is going to be a happy ending especially for demi not for banks he passed away me too okay thank you thank you bye thanks buddy hey how are you hey how are you good welcome to the show you're on the podcast with gareth reynolds jake johnson and a very special guest

my friend, my former co-star, Mr. Max Greenfield. Wow. Oh, I'm such a huge fan. You, Max. You, Max. He's giving you love, baby. All three of you guys. Oh, thanks. Thanks. I was going to let Max have a little shine. What's your first name? Oliver. Oliver. Where are you from, Oliver? I'm from Long Island, New York. Yeah, baby.

And how old are you, Oliver? 25. 25. Now, you got a serious problem today? Well, it's serious to me. We'll see how serious everybody else thinks it is. Oliver, if it's serious to you, baby, that's all that matters. Let us know where you're at. What's happening? Good stuff. That's what I like to hear. So I may, I guess you'd call it a content creator and a documentarian, but I make a lot of stuff about- Do you actually make documentaries or do you just make content and you're referring to yourself as a documentarian? Yeah.

A little bit of both. A little bit of both. How's that? Hold on. Oliver, do you make documentaries? Or do you just film content and don't want to just say content creator? You know what? We'll call it what you want. I think it's a little bit better than just a standard YouTube video. I do travel. I do invest money into the content that I'm making. Okay. I respect. I respect.

Okay, so what's our issue? So the topics that I usually cover are kind of silly individual quests. And so last year, I was weighing in at almost 400 pounds. And so I hit the gym and I got really into shape. Oliver, you were a 400 pounder, my man? Almost. I didn't quite break the brink, but I was on the way. What's your height? What are you walking around at?

I'm six foot even. Six foot? Almost 400. Interesting. Nice. Four bucks. Okay, so you said this is getting too big. It was getting way too big. It was, you know, I'm a big fat party animal and that's fine with me, but it's getting hard to buy clothes. I get it, man. I get it. I got to throw away. I bought like 15 of the same black t-shirts. I got to buy a larger size. It's a nightmare.

I know. And then you got to upgrade the whole wardrobe. And then if you go back down, all your clothes are too big. And that's kind of where I'm at right now. Oliver, you and me are relating. These two little skinny guys are rolling their eyes. All right. So what happened? What was your wake-up call? You wanted to lose weight? Why? What happened? You know what it was? I got married and I really enjoyed the last year of my life. And I said, you know what? I want to stick around for a long time. I love it. And so I said, I'm going to try to lose some weight.

And then here's where we run into trouble. I kind of have plateaued in the last year or so, and I've decided to set myself a weight goal, something to do at the gym that I can hit.

Max, one quick, let me stop for one second, Oliver. Max, don't pretend this is not a wheelhouse call for you. A big guy losing weight talking about the goddamn gym. We got the right guy for you, Oliver. Don't interrupt him, Chase. I got excited, Max. He's talking about a gym. Shut up.

Well, we're going to fight. So the goal that I set myself is I want to be able to crush a watermelon between my thighs. Oh, great. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? That is without question the greatest gym goal I'll ever hear. Yeah, you just went back to Garrett's camp and not to Max's camp.

Speaker 0 : You were losing Garrett. He said watermelon and he perked up Speaker 3 : Content creator. Oh man. Speaker 0 : All right. So you want to squash your watermelon in between those big thighs, my guy.

Correct. Right now, I'm on the hip abduction machine. I can hit 205 pounds. Amazing. Are you just going hips right now? Are people like, buddy, your arms are like wiry and kind of flabby, and you're like, I got him a goal. Well, I was going all arms, but I'm worried about being a light bulb. So I moved on to try to get the legs up where the arms are. Oh, my God. Oliver, what are you saying right now? Right now, I'm 290.

Nice, man. Oh, wow. Way to go. But I've plateaued around there, which is where the watermelon comes in. I really think if I can get the hip abductor machine up to 340 pounds, I

I can crush a watermelon. I feel really good about that. And I was lost weight along the way. This is where the watermelon comes into play is is just a great I'm very I'm enjoying what you're saying a tremendous amount. The problem, the problem. No problems. Yeah, I'm still kind of with you on this one, Oliver. So you are.

You're wanting to squash it. You're going to take it. This is going to get you stronger, which will make you lose more weight. What's the problem? The problem is my support system right now. I've made a practice stream just to prove that I couldn't crush a watermelon right at the beginning. I went all out on filming it. I staged the whole thing, and I was not able to crush a watermelon in that stream. My goal is in two months' time to duplicate the entire stream and

but be able to crush the watermelon. Okay. Now, did you genuinely try your hardest the first time? I did. I got juice out of the watermelon, but I wasn't able to do the full crush. Anyone drink that juice? You know what? I'm hoping that the second watermelon will make nice snacks for the week. Yeah, but hold on. So how much power do you need? Are you doing, is this for real for you? You're just doing it for your documentaries.

Oh, no, this is, well, I'm doing it for the documentary, but it is 100% for real. Okay, and how much power do you need to smash a watermelon? Is there any kind of test for this? Can I go back to one of Jake's original questions? The watermelon journey, is it more content or is it a full documentary? Well,

I'm going to be doing a full documentary about it after the journey is over. But I legitimately want to crush this watermelon. I get it. What do you think the title of that doc's going to be? Squash and Melons? Waiter Melon. Waiter Melon? Melons Beware.

Melons beware. Don't hate it. I respect it. No, no, no. Let me tell you. If this is an advice show, you got to go back to Jake. Jake's real good at this, man. So, you wear melons is good. Think squashing melons too. But we're in a zone right now. We got to figure out. Real quick. Real quick. Jake.

What? Why you to pretend that you're at the movie theater and you go up to the concession or whatever and you ask for two tickets to squash melons. Go. Hey, can I get two adults for squashing melons? Huh.

I think it's a hit, man. Yeah. I think it's a hit. So, Oliver, where are you at with squashing melons right now? So you can get a little juice out, but you can't squash the melon, correct? Correct. And what are you doing at the gym, my man? So it's a big focus on, first, obviously, legs. I start with some cardio to warm up, limber up, and then I'm hitting the hip abduction machine to see if I can get up. Actually, do you mind if I interrupt, Oliver? You're doing this all wrong.

Okay, hit me. A gym is not the place to learn to squash melons. Okay. A farm is. You just need to go to a goddamn watermelon farm, pay a farmer, and squash the little guys. Ask him if he's got any rotten watermelons. Because it's a mental game, man. You have lost 100 pounds, Oliver.

You can squash a goddamn melon. It's a mental game. That melon has you beat. Don't beware melons. Beware Oliver because you're afraid of a big watermelon. A kettlebell, a fucking hip flexor machine is doing nothing for you. You got to go find some rotten watermelons and squash those big legs of yours and get your confidence up.

Have you tried other melons? Have you tried like a cantaloupe or anything like that? Well, that would be the eventual goal. I figure a cantaloupe is smaller and more dense than a regular watermelon. Yeah, you don't want to go cantaloupe, my man. You don't want to go cantaloupe. Cantaloupe's a nightmare. If I'm you, I start with a plum. I go real peaches.

You got to keep on theme. It's melons, but I like floral. You hit the honeydew, you hit the cantaloupe. Honeydew is unsquashable. Non-squashing melons. But what's a soft melon? I bet you Arnold Schwarzenegger could squash a cantaloupe. You're right. You mentioned this last part of this last year has been really good, correct?

Correct. And did you meet a woman in this last year? Is that what I heard? Well, I didn't meet her in this last year, but we got married in this last year. You got married. What does she think about this squash and melons goal? That's a great question. So she's into the goal of squashing the melon, but this is where the content side comes into this. I've recorded the stream where I couldn't smash it in the kitchen of our apartment.

And she's not a huge fan of the stream where it does get smashed being recorded in our kitchen. I think partially because it's a small apartment. Our kitchen's very close to the living room rug. And it's a weird change of pace because she usually does support all of my endeavors, which are often similar to this.

She doesn't like this. Go ahead, Max. What do you mean, what similar endeavors? What's another one? Give us an example. Recently, I threw a black tie affair in the apartment to celebrate the recent release of the new Monster cereal. I had this place filled up 50-ish people, and she was all good with that. I'm also big on hyper fixations and collectibles. She's usually fine with that. Our whole living room is...

She just doesn't want you squashing a fucking watermelon in the kitchen, Oliver. Yeah, those activities don't get juice and seeds all over the living room. Or at least ideally. I can tell you as a fact, my wife, Max's wife, and I'm sure Gareth's cat would not want any of us squashing a watermelon in between our thighs in the kitchen. Yeah. Video or no video.

So I think what you got to do is you got to forget about your stream for a little bit. You're either a documentarian, you're either a content creator, or you're a guy smashing fucking watermelons. You can't be all three at the same time. You're either the director or you're the goddamn subject. And if you want to be the subject, and this is about losing weight, then forget setting up that iPhone and filming yourself squashing watermelons and get out to a field and just start squashing them. You need a Rocky montage.

You need to spend about two months. Don't film any of it. Don't worry about the end product. Worry about squashing goddamn watermelons, man. And I don't think you go to a gym for that. I think you put a big melon in between those legs and you squash it. I think you watch what you eat. I think you go to the gym to get your cardio up. And then I think every single day you go to the grocery store, you buy the softest watermelon and you try to squash it.

You ever see one of those videos where they put the rubber bands around the watermelon and then they keep on the watermelon until it explodes? Yep. Figure out how many rubber bands you need to make it explode and then work backwards from there, squashing them in between your quads.

That's a great idea. You got anything here, Gareth? I do. I agree. I mean, well, I think once we all heard go find a watermelon farmer and just give them the pitch, I think that's not going to hurt anything. I think you can do some training towards it. You're doing the right thing, but you really should be squashing as many melons as you can between your legs. I think from a content perspective, you can film some of it. And I think the day of...

the main event, if you do want to do it in your kitchen, just go get a big tarp from Home Depot. And I would say start with warmups from smallest melon to watermelon and, you know, really lean into it like that. Like those are the practice swings, but it's a hell of a goal.

Yeah. So I think our, in closing the kind of advice for this one, Oliver, it's a tricky one because it's a hard goal. And Max is saying, do something weird with rubber bands and figure out how many rubber bands. I don't know how that connects to the thighs.

What do you what's your advice on this one, Gareth? Well, I think you can do it in your kitchen and, you know, tarp it up. And if she doesn't support it, then maybe this is not the right relationship. I think that's a turn. I would say don't listen to Gareth.

I would say you met a woman. Let me tell you something. You're going to be able to find a woman out there who you love, who also, trust me, I have a cat, who you love and who also supports the thigh melon stuff. Oliver, this is going sideways, my guy. This woman, you got married during a year when you lost 100 pounds. I think you got a winner at home. My advice to you is find an outdoor park and every single day squash a watermelon and don't take a day off.

And I would say throw money out the window. Whatever you put into this financially, I think you'll make back when you sell the duck. Oliver, thank you so much for the call, my man. Hey, guys. Thank you very much. Jake, next time you're around a watermelon, are you going to go, hey, can I just, can I try something? Some watermelons? Can I just see what I can do with this between my legs?

Hey, hey guys. Hi. So we don't know who this is, but we know it's a follow-up. You mind taking the lead a little bit? Sure. I called a little while ago because I'm trying to crush a watermelon between my thighs and my wife is not happy about it. Well, first of all, hold on. I got to say something to you. Word has it you make the rounds on podcasts, my guy. How many of these you got? What's your name again real quick?

Oliver. Oliver, that's right. Because you're all over podcasts. So, Oliver, how many of these have you done before we get into this? Only two, and it was you and one other podcast. That's not a lot. It's not a lot. We're still furious. People on social media overreacted. How'd the other one go? I...

It was good. It was good. Yeah, it didn't have fucking Max Greenfield on it. No, it's not. Okay, Oliver, walk us through where you're at with the watermelon, with the training. And with your wife's reaction to your beautiful endeavor. So if you remember, I'm making a documentary about the whole thing. Yes.

Fitness wise, I'm in the right place. I'm confident that I can do it. It's been logistics recently. Per your guys' recommendation, actually, we've rented out a farm for the documentary for a certain segment. Awesome. So it's been about it coming together to finally do the actual crushing. Okay. And I remember other recommendations we had was just crush mushy melons to get your confidence up.

The plum was a big hit when I showed people the episode. I'm very confident I can crush a plum. I think so. And how's your training been? And how's your wife's reaction been?

It's been good, and I even think that my wife has come around a little bit on it, at least to the melon being crushed in the kitchen. Okay. We've introduced the idea of a Home Depot tarp going over the kitchen, which seems to have smoothed things over. Of course, yeah. You'll find that goes a long way. And then when is the day the rubber meets the road, Oliver? When are you going to crush the melon?

Because you can't talk about it forever. You got to eventually put that big thing in between your legs and squeeze. So we're going to start shooting before the end of March. Okay. This is... Great. Right now, it's a logistical thing because I want my wife to be out of the house while it's going on. Fair.

I have a buff friend coming over to stand in the background for a bit. I feel like it just comes off as really, really like a lot. Yeah, it's happening in your home. I don't disagree. I don't think you're going to want her there while you and another buff guy squeeze melons between your legs, my guy. It might be a good idea to be sweet and incentivized by, you know, giving her a day of doing something she wants to do.

You know, like whether you go, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be too on brand, but, uh, you know, if you want to go get, ever get a massage or have a day at a spa or have a manicure or something like that, but you're still, no, that's a great idea. Maybe have her go buy a shop vac, but you're starting early March. You're starting the doc. And just to be clear, the doc is a training thing at the farm.

So we're doing a training segment at the farm where I'm going to go there and crush some less than ripe melons. Okay, good. Some mushy melons. And then I actually have someone on the dock who's going to, he's done it before, so he's going to kind of advise me on it. Okay, so is this a thing that people do? Is there a community of you guys?

To my knowledge, it wasn't. So I saw this one guy do it. I reached out to him and I said, I kind of feel like I could do a more ripe, larger melon than that. He challenged his ass. Was he an old timer? And he said, not a chance. Only mentally, only mentally. Fair.

Okay, so you're going to be doing a... You reached out to this guy. He's your mentor. He's in your corner. You're Rocky. You're going to go to Russia, aka, or Siberia, aka the farm you're going to train. And when do you actually pop the melon? What date is that? We're hoping March 24th, my birthday. Oh, I love it, man. What a lovely day. Just send your wife away. March 24th, you're going to be on tour. I think I'll... No, I'll be back in a minute. So...

Yes. Will you please let us know how it goes? Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Oliver, are you, since you're documenting this, do you have a title? Um, I'm still sticking with melons. Beware is the best. I've also heard a yippee-ki-yay melon farmer, like diehard too. You could also, when they played on TV, you could also call yourself the melon man, the melon man, melon musher. Oh, that's good. Melon musher is good.

Oh, we got a workshop. All of these. I'm going to throw them up on the board. So do us a favor, man. If you film...

uh, what you're doing on the 24th. We would love a clip of it. We will obviously, uh, continue to push and a followup and a followup. We'll obviously push your documentary for you, but we'd love to know what happens on the 24th, man. It seems like you'd love to do a followup. We'd love to hear that, but there's one, there's one caveat, no other podcasts. You're exclusively signing a deal with weird health. Is that fair?

All right. Fair, fair, fair. You guys will get the first follow-up. That's fair. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. We'll get the first follow-up. Yeah, he was very political there. You just pissed Kevin off. The only follow-up. Ours has to air first. Yeah, until ours airs. This is like the Leno-Letterman battle. We need the star first. You're not going to go do another podcast. It's interesting that you went instantly that you were Leno. Oliver, thank you for the call, buddy. Good luck to you. Thanks, bud. Good luck.

Hey, thanks guys. All right. And now, after hours, two podcasts giving advice on how to do this, a full documentary of training, and one cool teaser that we shot. It's time for the most disgusting moment of my career. Did we hear that? I'm sorry. Victory slice of the victim.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.

Hello and welcome or hi, my name is Cole. My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcast But Outside where Cole and I set up a table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers who are walking by. We have a sign on our table that says, hi, be a guest on our podcast and we will pay you $1. We are the only ethical podcast. We're the only podcast that pays. We have really interesting conversations with really fun folks. Like who? Like Marilyn. Okay. And I was somebody else's wife for a while. But the second one worked out. Yeah.

Well, until he died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It turned out he had a double life. What? What was the second life? He was a crack addict. Wait, how do you hide that? Hold on. How do you hide? He was a nice old Jewish guy. How did he get addicted to crack?

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