153: Two Lawyers and a Doctor & PFF (with Katie Nolan)
01:30:39 Share

- This episode is brought to you by DoorDash. Looking for love this spring? Whether you're looking for a spring fling, situationship, or something more serious. Whatever you're looking for, DoorDash and Panera Bread are teaming up to help you find your perfect match. Panera's You Pick Two offering lets you pair two items, like a cup of soup, half salad, or half sandwich, together from Panera's menu. - I use DoorDash, and I love to get Panera from DoorDash.

Panera to me is comfort food. A lot of times I'll be on the road, I'll be in a hotel or something like that. I'll just be ordering a soup

And a sandwich or soup and a salad or a lemonade. I'll get crazy. I'll order chips. They have cookies. Panera is great. But if you're in the middle of nowhere and you need to order it, cannot recommend getting it through DoorDash enough. Get 20% off your Panera. You pick to order on DoorDash with code TRULUNCH. March 3rd through March 12th terms apply. For full terms, go to the Panera store page on DoorDash.

It's time to transform your healthcare experience with Amazon One Medical Paper Visit. Perhaps you're dealing with hair loss or looking to clear your skin. One Medical PPV offers upfront, affordable healthcare, available 24-7. Easily access treatments for common concerns, like ED, hair loss, and prescription solutions for beauty and skincare. With One Medical PPV, you can quickly connect with a provider right from home.

No insurance necessary, just one flat fee per visit. Plus, you'll receive transparent pricing and fast, free medication delivery through Amazon Pharmacy. Head to www.amazon.com slash o-m-p-p-v to learn more. That's amazon.com slash o-m-p-p-v. A provider determines eligibility. Prices may vary.

Benny, come get your hydroxyanisole and melamine. Not all fresh dog food is created equal. That's why at Just Food for Dogs, we pride ourselves on investing in the science surrounding your pet's food. Because while others contain highly processed, low-quality meat with fillers, Just Food for Dogs is gently cooked, human-grade food for complete nutrition. Give us two weeks and we'll change your dog's life forever. Get 50% off your first subscription order right now at JustFoodForDogs.com. More life, more years, more love.

And we are...

We've got a fun show today. We've got the hilarious Katie Nolan is joining us. This is from the podcast Casuals. And it has to be, I think we say, even with edits, I would imagine it's the longest call we've had with a caller. It is a... Yeah, it's a long one. It's a long...

It's a lot. One of the ones with Mike. It's probably our first five-person call, maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. Yes. I don't know. It's a really fun one. She's incredibly funny. I met her years ago when she was doing some show in Austin. She's great. We're big fans. We're really excited. She has a show. She kills it. Her podcast is really fun, too. We were just doing something together for Patreon. A big... Join it. Join it.

big fun Steve Berg thing on the side. And then we did, right as we were saying goodbye, Gareth told me something. Well, and we thought it could be some fodder. I, well, I'm on a crazy, crazy diet for eight days. And man, it is no booze. I don't smoke weed, but it's no weed, no booze, no caffeine. How often do you drink these days?

Uh, it varies. Not that much. But like a couple times a week? At most. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so that's not a huge one. Not a huge one. But as I'm not doing it, I'm like, that'd be nice. I had a couple drinks the other night for the first time. I went to the Lakers game with Lamar. Oh yeah, that's right. We're going to celebrate Max Greenfield on a show and then he got sick.

And we were just hanging out and they had a whole bar, had a tequila. It was my first drink in, I think, a month and a half. Holy shit. You know who we hung out with was the Workaholic guys. Oh, nice. They're great guys. I love those dudes. They're great guys. All right, so keep going. Where were you? So no booze, no caffeine, no sugar. No caffeine, no sugar. No salt. What can you eat? It's very limited.

What are you eating? I'm eating eggs. Proteins and eggs? Eggs, vegetables, but not all vegetables, like root vegetables or green vegetables. Are you just creating stir fries? It's a lot of stir fries. Right, I could have white rice. Are you... It's awful. What are you doing this for?

I'm doing this to prepare myself for a session of some... Ayahuasca? That's the one. Is that it? Yeah, that is. How many times have you done ayahuasca? Ooh, buddy. A lot? Yeah, a good amount. This would probably be seven or eight, I would guess. Well, you've told me this once, but will you walk me through what that experience is like?

The only thing you're told is you feel like you felt your version of God. It's very difficult to cliff note because it is a wild ride. Actually, I remember right after I first did it, you and I went on a hike. Yes. But...

It's really, I mean, first of all, the diet leading up to it is obviously crazy because it's a little difficult on your body. I think everybody's always like, everybody, all they ever hear about ayahuasca is that you poop your pants. Everybody that's out there in the world. I heard you throw up a lot. You throw up, you poop your pants. Are you doing it here in the States or are you going to Central America? I will not reveal that answer. How come? Because I just put to preserve the secrecy of whoever's overseeing it.

Why? This is going to cut. What are you talking about? Fine America. Why get all secret? Like the mystery there is strange, no? No, I don't know. You just keep it on the DL. You keep it on the DL. Oh, really? Yeah. I think the people who are. Do me this favor then. We're not revealing any names. We're no GPS. If it's secretive, how does it happen? The shaman sends a text?

It's not a very, it's, I'm not even going to answer that. Why? This isn't giving anything away. It's just letting people. Well, you're going to poke holes very easily. Yeah, there's emails and texts. And so, but like, but in terms of. But we have established relations. But how does that happen? The shaman says like, I'm going to be in this area. No, I reach out. I go, I want to do it. I have a break. I want to do it. And he goes, or she goes, or they goes. Or we goes. Or we goes. Sounds good.

How about this day? Yep. And you go, sounds good. Yep. Do the eight-day cleanse. It's just regular plans. Yeah. Then you do that. Well, yeah, you can do it up to two weeks. You're supposed to do it seven. How many people are going to be at the ceremony? Very few. How many are mostly at them?

Normally it's small. Keep it small. Two small, ten small? Two to three, like people you know. Oh, so you're doing it with people you know. Yeah, but I have done bigger ones where it's a bunch of people. Yes, I've seen video of the bigger ones. The bigger ones are interesting too.

Because by the end of the night, you're all like, buddy, everyone's Eric Edelsteining. Everyone's like, brother, brother, brother, brother. It's like a hundred people just hugging and shouting brother. So just because I saw some show about a guy who does this in Kentucky as a form of getting off drugs. Yeah, yeah, right. It was on Vice for a while. It was a pretty fun show. Yeah, right. So...

You've done seven with this same shaman. No, different. A couple different. Different shaman. Yeah. And so how many have you done with this shaman? This will be five maybe. And what makes, is the shaman's job to walk you through it? Is what makes the shaman good? The drink?

It's a very spiritual event, and no, it isn't. I mean, that's important, but that seems to be pretty consistent. It's one of those you can always have more situations, and eventually you'll hit your right amount.

It's like free tequila. And it's really to prep you, be there if you need anything. You know, it's a long time. But you're on your own journey. Oh, there's no community aspect of this at all. Okay, so the shaman is not... It's not like a guided meditation. Well, in the sense that there's music that is kind of...

kind of mirroring what your experience is. And again, if you need to, if you need anything, if you need more water, you need to go to the bathroom, which does happen, they're there to help you. How many times out of the seven have you gone to the bathroom in your pants? Never. That's a propagandist lie. Oh, okay. I have thrown up.

Yeah, of course. But when you throw up, it's great. You're not like, nah. You're like, oh, yeah. Because you're feeling sick or because... Well, because you're like, it feels like you're getting something out of you. Interesting. Which you are. Yeah. But it feels like you're like, leave me. And what is the goal? You have no interest in doing something like this, do you? No, not really. Yeah. I mean, I do, I'm into therapy. I did hypnotherapy. I'm now doing EMDR as a form of therapy. Okay. I don't like...

external things that you take and ingest. Yeah. And everything happens fast. This is not fast. Well, one day. Well, but it's a lot of it is after there's a lot of work after this is it isn't just interesting. It isn't just, oh, okay, that's it. You have a lot to think about after. Yeah. A lot to think about after like the biggest changes I've made in my life.

have been off of this. Oh, that's interesting. Like quit smoking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like there's tons of things, big changes just in my general perspective on the world. That happen. That have happened because of this. Not even in a day, you know. It's crazy. But so this diet is like draining and the no coffee part of it

is the part like i went met my brother for coffee today and he was like i was like do you have any wildflower tea my brother's like what's happening again i was like i'm sorry i got some stuff sorry yeah i'm different i'm down to uh i've tried to cut coffee out so i'm down to one sip a day and the reason one sip a day is not human i'll tell you why what's this this is such a jake i agree

And I'm embarrassed by this set. One sip a day. Has anyone done that? Did you read about that? Of course not. Of course I make up my own rules. One sip a day. How are you even making it?

Well, it's been a while now. You have a sip brew? Well, it's a cold brew that I keep in my fridge. So I didn't realize how weird it was until I was doing the movie because I started in prep. I was like, you know what? I'm drinking too much coffee. And then when you get to set, your hours are different. And then you drink it and you're fucking jacked up and then you crash. And I was like, I'm not into it anymore.

So I'm like, so I'm going to go none. So I went none. And then I had a day where I was playing tennis with Brad Gilbert. Okay. And, and that's, you know, you got to be ready for that. And I wasn't drinking coffee when I was driving out there. And I was like, my second day of quitting, I had a splitting headache. So I stopped. The headache's bad.

I stopped at a gas station and I got some coffee and then I took a huge sip just to get rid of the headache. And then I thought, throw out the rest, fat boy. Get rid of it. Let's go. So I just got rid of it and that's what started the one sip. That's sick.

But I didn't realize how weird the one sip was until I was at work. You told me. No, I've already had this humiliating moment. I told people at work, they were all talking about coffee. And I was like, yeah, I'm trying to cut back. And they're like, yeah, me too. And I'm like, I just do one sip. And the look of their face. Like you picture your face on a book like the one sip guy. And they went, why one sip? And I go like, well, it's just what I'm doing. And they're like, you just...

put one sip in your mouth is there a measurement and i'm like no no no it's from the jug it's and as i was talking i was honestly like i'm hoping for an earthquake yeah anything to just i'm hoping and you're the star of the movie so people should be like accommodating to your opinions i was like buddy that's crazy they were like water and i just had to go and then because of my bad luck there was no earthquake or rocks lines or the window so then it just finished and they were like

I think it was in the hair and makeup trailer and they were asking if I wanted a coffee in there. And then everyone was like really awkward at 5.45 in the morning. I was like, okay, ladies, thank you so much. See you guys out there. Have a great day. Definitely talking about you when you left. They were like, he's crazy. It doesn't make any sense. What's going on with him? He's an idiot. That's not okay. He's got a brain. That doesn't make sense. That's not what anybody would recommend. Either quit or drink it. I talked about ayahuasca for 10 minutes and the headline of this episode

Is Jake's one-sip coffee routine. I don't think so. Anyway. I got to say, the seven ayahuascas are interesting. It is. It is. It's wild. It's big. Once you're in, it's hard to say you're out. I love it. Really fun show, everybody. I hope you enjoy it. Enjoy it, everybody.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com, booking.yacht. I am currently planning a trip right now to Chicago, and I'm using Booking.com to find the hotel for me, and it is making it very easy.

Gareth, you use Booking.com to find where you're gonna stay on the road, correct? - I use Booking.com all over this great nation of ours to find places to stay because I know I'm gonna be able to find exactly what I'm looking for. So I told the story recently how I had a show just outside of, well I had a show in Vegas,

And I did not want to stay in Las Vegas. And on Booking.com, I found like what I think was like a five star resort in the middle of nowhere for a rate that I could not get over and just had the best time. Drove like 45 minutes after the show. I was there for two nights and just felt much more at ease there.

than staying right down there on the Las Vegas Strip. No shade, I'm just old, not that old. Anyway, find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking. Yeah! - Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Therapy has been something that has been very important to me, but more important than that is finding the right therapist, because if you got the wrong one, you're just wasting your time.

So Alma has helped me find a therapist that actually takes my insurance and it's made everything very easy. Alma makes it simple to find a therapist. 97% of people seeing a therapist through Alma said that their therapist makes them feel safe.

seen and heard. You know the deal. It's very difficult to find someone you can trust, someone you feel a human connection to, someone that's kind of an irreplaceable part of your mental health. But that's why Alma has real people. Mental health challenges can be very difficult. You can feel alone, but take a break from scrolling for nothing and scroll through Alma's directory to find a therapist who meets your specific needs.

Better with people, better with Alma. Visit helloalma.com slash heretohelp to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's helloalma.com slash heretohelp. Alma.com slash heretohelp.

This episode is sponsored by the crisp, refreshing, angry orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Lamorne Morris for lying.

for being a cheater, a faker, a liar. Don't get mad at Lamorne Morris for not being able to finish a hike. Don't get angry at his sidekick Kyle for shaving his mustache because Lamorne bullied him. Instead, get an angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed, not getting pissed off

just having a tasty orchard. Angry Orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. It's naturally refreshing, delicious, and has just the right amount of sweetness that makes it the perfect drink when you're looking for something a little different.

Angry Orchard has a bright, crisp apple flavor just like biting into a fresh apple. Perfect balance of sweetness and bright acidity from culinary apples and dryness of traditional cider-making apples, resulting in a complex yet refreshing hard cider. Grab an Angry Orchard cider today. Don't get angry. Get Orchard. Please drink responsibly. Hello.

Hello. Hello. It's about to happen. You ready? I'm ready. I'm nervous, but I'm ready. We're all nervous. Can we get your name, where you're calling from? And let me ask you this. If someone gave you a fish randomly, would you take care of it or flush it down the toilet? Wow. Okay. My name is Erica. I am...

29, almost 30 in a week. I'm from Eugene, Oregon. If someone gave me a fish randomly... That's a good question, actually, Gareth. It's a moral. It kind of is. Maybe that's the direction for a while. Who are you? This is a callback. Somebody gives you a bait of fish, leaves it on your desk. It's one of those cool red ones with the big fins. They just put it in a little Dixie cup. What do you do?

I'm going to keep it. That's cool. Well, Erica, we're excited to dig into your problem. But as you know, we don't really have a lot of guests on so far in the second season. But when we do, we're very excited, which brings us to our guest helper today. That's right. You get three geniuses. Katie Nolan is joining us. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me, Erica. Happy birthday. Hi. Thank you for letting me into your problems.

I'm excited to help. Katie, someone gives you a fish, flush it, raise it, what are you going to do? Probably raise it, but it's going to die soon. It's not going to last very long. I try my best, but they're finicky beasts. Great answer. Very honest. Okay, Erica, what's going on? So my problem involves my sister, who I'm pretty close with, and really what it boils down to is that...

I need my sister to stop using my house as a personal safe space for her to use the bathroom or art for, for many reasons. Um, but that's, that's the main problem. She, I lived across town, but, um, her and her husband have been together for almost 15 years and they don't fart in front of each other. Uh, they don't acknowledge that either of them, uh,

And so she comes to my house to do her business. And I'm getting kind of tired of it. Hold on, Erica. Yeah. Katie, go ahead. Across town, how many minutes are we talking in a car? Great question. We're talking like 15. That is a distance. Hold on. By the way, by the way.

If she gets in the car, drives for 15 minutes, walks in your house and farts, she's the weirdest person on earth. She can fart in the car by herself. Yeah. What is right? Yeah, the pooping shrew. Blows a huge fart and goes like, peace. This is a pointed attack. This is aggression. Light those candles.

So when you say farts and goes to the bathroom, are you just saying that she's like running to the toilet? There's farts as she goes? What level of disgusting behavior? No, it's a very valid point. I'm like, if that's a different, if somebody walked into my house and they walked in, they go, how you doing, brother? And then they farted right away. I like the Hulk Hogan entrance. But what a boring move. How you doing, brother? I have a buddy who will go to the bathroom whenever he comes over.

Hmm. That itself is weird. I agree. Unless you've got a sick bathroom, unless you have one of those seats that's heated and washes your butt. It's not a Toto. A Toto. Yeah, a Toto. It's not one of those great Japanese toilets. But to walk into somebody else's house and blow a fart? My real question is, is what's up? Yeah. That's a fight starter. It is an act of war. So Erica, walk us through the reality. What's your sister's name? What are we calling this woman? Erica.

This finicky beast, as Katie refers to fish. This is a finicky beast. This is an alpha fish, not a beta fish. If you're walking in and ripping a fart. This is a disgusting animal. So your sister, we take back the mean things we said about what's her name? We'll call her Sally. Sally. So walk us through, Erica, what really happens here so we get a picture.

Yeah. So the part of town that I live in, it's around like a lot of popular shops and restaurants and, you know, when she's on this side of town, she'll make, you know, in a way go out of her way to come use my bathroom on the way home or on the way to work.

running errands. But because my husband and I are very normal about that kind of thing, she feels comfortable to do whatever she needs to do at my house. But it will be a

hey, I just need to stop by and use your bathroom. And I live in a small house, one bathroom. Oh, no. It can be a little inconvenient for me. I also work from home, so... That's big. These are big details. Oh, my God. These are big, bad details. I pictured you had a separate bathroom in a basement. Because this is...

Sally has a comfort with pooping in front of your husband that I find confusing. Yeah, I did not imagine her sort of just like a gaseous Kramer busting into a small unit just to drop deuces and let it rip. Huh.

All right, so keep going, Erica. So she... And how does she propose this? You'll get a text. It will be like, I'm bursting at the seams. Can I come in? There's no good answer to this question. But like, how does it work? Sometimes knock at the door. Sometimes...

And when you answer, is it like, move, move, move, move? Or is it like... Yeah. And what if she's, is she one of those humans? And my dad was this way. My dad would not take dumps in public. He would not, if he was in like a, if we were in a restaurant, he had to go. It was the most dramatic thing in the whole world where all of a sudden he'd be like,

I gotta get home. And my brother and I would simply be like, go to the bathroom, you fucking maniac. Yeah, so is she one of those? Not quite. No, I don't think so. But I think if, you know, if she had her choice, she's choosing, you know, my house over a public restroom. Okay.

And how long has this been going on? Is Sally older or younger than you? Is this a power play? She's older. She's older than me. So she's taking a shit at her little sister's house. Who cares? Yeah. Yeah. Status. Does she just like, does she throw her dirty stuff on your floor too? She's just like, who gives a shit? This is a bar. Watch this. I'm out of here. Peace out. You're an animal. You're my little sister. It could get to that point.

I'm going to rub my boogers on your head. You don't even exist. Come here for a noogie. Have a good day. So, and then, so you're specific. So now we have a sense of what's happened with Sally. She doesn't like to go to the bathroom in front of her husband. Do they have kids by the way? Well, that actually is another factor here. So they have a one and a half year old and my niece has become my whole personality. Being an aunt is my favorite thing. So I'm trying to, you know, I've been thinking about trying to leverage my

seeing my niece, like no niece, no entry kind of thing. If you're going to, I love that. I love that. That's good too. A niece tax. I like that. Okay. That's fun. And so, but your specific kind of question is, is, uh, and tell me when I'm wrong on this, I'm just going to try to paraphrase, but how do we get your sister to stop using your house as her toilet?

Correct. And if any way this can be brought into it is try to get her and her husband to start farting in front of each other. That's what I think. That's why. Well, not to sound like a doctor, but you might not be able to get the farts, but the poops should be possible.

How is that anything sounding like a doctor? Why no farts? I sound like a professor at Harvard. You know, you might not get the fart, but you will get the poop. Sorry to sound like a doctor here. Yeah, well, no, no. Somebody just turning this on went like, what is that, a doctor on?

on that people are listening and going this guy reads books I know what people are thinking I think what you have to do oh go ahead oh skewer me some more Jake and then we'll get into the show but why could they get why could you get him to take in the dumps but not the farts just because farts are humiliating by nature holding that can be easier than having to take a shit or she can like like you were saying she can sneak outside and like

Right. Let one go. But how many bathrooms does her house have? Good question. Mansion. How many? One. One? Just one. This is crazy. Yes, I get it. One bathroom with a bed. Do you know what they do when they have to take a shit at home? She goes to her sister's house. What does he do? He probably takes a shit when she leaves. I think it's pretty...

Well, yeah, it's just very like low profile, secretive. She has told me that he has witnessed him unknowingly going out onto their back patio in the morning to rip ass when the window is open and he didn't know that she could hear.

There's something sweet about this. Right? But it's also, it's sweet, but it's almost if you zoom in too far, you might go, well, wait, that's not sweet. That's weird. I agree. How have you held this in for, I just didn't know you could have a man for 15 years without having to experience his farts. I didn't know I could seek that out. That was possible. Wow.

Yeah, I would have put that on my list. I really would love to frame the moment when that window's open and the husband is letting 20 hours of gas shoot out of him. And she's like, oh, God.

Birds are chirping. Erica, so I think what we're pitching on today is because this could be two things, but I don't think it's two things. I don't think our show is going to be trying to get your sister and her husband to fart in front of each other or take dumps in front of each other. Because I'll tell you what, they're not the ones calling in. If she called in, I would like my husband and I to do this, then we could go. But

But we are with you, Erica. And your problem is she just uses your house as a outhouse. And we got to put a little bit of a barrier to that. I got a question. Go ahead, Katie. Does your bathroom need renovating by any chance? Good fake, even if it doesn't.

It doesn't. It's on the list of things to do, but it's in perfect working order. Yeah. Because I was going to say, if she were to come over and, oops, we're renovating our bathroom, and you remove the option for her, because she's not going to choose, I don't think, the outhouse at your... Is that what they do when you renovate your bathroom? I haven't yet done that, but I assume they bring you a porta potty. So I don't think she would want to use your porta potty over her toilet. So I think maybe you could remove the option for like...

i don't know a month how long does that take and then maybe she'll figure something else out is your pitch get it now's the time or you just have the plastic with painters tape yeah make it look like you're renovating your bathroom yeah you renovate you have a whole staging but the truth is if she's texting you hey like what does she text you i'm gonna come over i have to go just knock on the door sometimes

Yeah, we're very close, so she can show up on and out. Hold on, I got a pitch. Go. You tell her next time she comes over to take a dump, you're texting her husband if you're worried about where Sally is, she's here taking a dump. That's pretty good. Vicious. I would get on a group text with...

her, Sally, your husband, her husband, and start off going like, just so we all know where everybody is, I just heard this podcast about safety. It was called We're Here to Help. And what they're saying is family should be in better touch with each other. And if somebody sees somebody, don't...

Say something. See something, say something. Say something, see something, say something. So if one of us is with somebody, we should all know where everybody is. Now that there's, you go, look, I'm saying this as a protective ant.

But now that my niece is entering the picture, I want to be able to communicate. They were talking. One of the guys sounds like a doctor, even though he's not one. And what he was saying on there is that, you know, you should do GPS tracking on this kid and things like that. So let's start doing a thing. Whenever two of us are together, just tell the group. Just put a little, we all know. Or we chip Sally. Go ahead. So Sally, if you stop over.

I'm just going to let everybody know you stopped over and why. And what you're basically saying to Sally is you can shit here all you want, but everybody's going to know. I do like that. And her and I, we do track each other on find my friends, but I don't think her and her husband do. So I would be doing him a favor if he was ever, you know, you heard it on a podcast and

With a medical professional. With a guy who sounded like a medical professional. Very much so. And what do you think? Bifocal wear. And then literally the first time she comes over, you don't bring it up. You just, as she's taking a dump, she hears beep. She looks at her phone. It goes, hey guys, Sally's here going to the bathroom, taking a number two. She'll probably be here about 12 to 15 minutes. Yeah.

She's probably on her phone. She's been holding it in. She's on her phone, so she'll write back. She'll text you, like, what are you doing? And you go, I said I was going to do this. Whenever you come around, I'll let everybody know what you're doing. Kind of foolproof. Katie likes it. I like it, too. To me, that is a real... Right? It's an act. What I would say is maybe we...

Maybe we could do an incremental escalation with that. The first thing you could do is you could try the sort of the Katie's pitch, like your toilet's not working. She comes over and you go, it's not flushing. No kind of. You got a burst. You go, let me check.

Well, I mean, I guess the flushier, like whatever. And then if she goes out, you go, toilet's not working, but you can also leave my niece here and we'll figure that out if she needs to go to the bathroom. This would be the first one I would do before you tell her husband she's at your place taking a shit is I would say, why not when she does that, like just...

Have your camera on when she comes out and just kind of embarrass her like you have this. Yeah. And it almost gives you a little bit. Yeah. Like, here's my sister who comes over here to drop deuces. It's always great to see her when she comes over. Right. Didn't you just do that? Like something like that. That's like the press hounding her a little bit.

Then you have that and you can either tell her with a smoke screen that you are going to post that on something or you can be like, I'm going to send this to your husband unless you start being a little more open and find a secondary location that isn't my house. Yeah. And then if that doesn't work, then you can do the outing. And now just before we even hear what you think, Katie, what are you thinking? Where's your head at? Well, so I was thinking similar to both was that you could record something

Because you got to think that it's the sound

I guess, that she's embarrassed of or doesn't want her husband to hear. I suppose it could also be smell, but as a non-doctor, I don't want to get into that. No, no, no, you're totally right. I feel like if you recorded the sound of the farts and the poops and you had that, that, if I were the person farting and pooping in fear, that you could blackmail me to do pretty much anything. It's called brownmailing. You were like, this is...

This is what it sounds like when your disgusting wife takes a nasty shit. That could really be valuable. But are we? Because I think you're right on that. So now we got to go to you, Erica. We have talked about exposing her. We've talked about blackmail. Where are you kind of at? This is early in the pitch game. We could come up with more, but where are you at early on?

I do like both of those. And her and I are no stranger to blackmail. We both have a pretty big arsenal of photos and things that we have on each other. So this one being very pointed at

an issue that I'm facing, I think could be interesting. This is a game changer. But let me just throw, because we also might be getting you in a dangerous spot. If she's got stuff on you too, this could get really ugly. So Jess, it's like, be careful starting a war. Nobody likes dead bodies. So one other thing, what is it you want from, in terms of time with your niece that you're not getting?

Probably more weekday visits. Weekday visits. I would say. You're thinking about maybe you see her on weekends? Yeah, more often. Okay. And what I'm looking for is a specific ask because then what you could actually do is we could start a bartering system. Mm-hmm.

I like where this is going. That we might not be able to stop the heart dumping at your house right away. I don't appreciate the heart, Ed. But what we might be able to do is go, I don't love that part of it, but I get one sleep over a month and every Wednesday I'm with my niece. Hmm.

And maybe I have some audio of you taking a dump and farting. Well, there we go. If I don't get this leave over. It's a twofer. You know, it's either, you can say this. It's either, I'm going to either reveal these sounds. I'm going to do this group text that I've already set up.

So every time you come, I'm just going to write, what's, what are we calling Sally's husband, Chad? Sure. Chad, perfect. And you're just going to say like, Chad, just in case you're worried about her, she's here going to the bathroom again. I think she's sick because it's been a long one. Probably ate something that doesn't sit well with her, maybe Indian food. But she's here. And just setting that up and then really using the niece as, but this is my ask. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I like that a lot. I think I've been trying to get a sleepover set up in the last couple of months really. And it's,

There are a lot of excuses. Well, guess what? I've got an excuse too. Time's up on that. You want to dump them in the house? You are in a position to ask for anything you want. This woman is using your house as a toilet on the road. So if there are things you want, now's the time to make the list, and we can get those things for you. We've turned into lawyers right now, and nobody likes when it gets ugly, but we're going to make sure our client wins this.

So you have two lawyers and a doctor on this call. I don't mean to sound like a lawyer here. Erica, I have one more. Okay. And then I think we can, I like the way that Jake has unease with me saying that. What if after one of these sessions, we'll call it, what if when she leaves, she flushes, she thinks everything's fine.

and you say that the toilet got backed up and overflowed and you have to call a plumber and kind of make it feel like a bit of an emergency, maybe your husband's a little upset by it too, that might be embarrassing. Let me tangent on that pitch too. Go. What if you write the group thing and say, hey, I know this is embarrassing, but after you came over and took a dump, the...

The smell. And after you flushed, I guess it was so big, some came up. The color is... Who's the doctor now? Well, I don't mean to sound like one, but say like it was an alarming smell and color. Oh my God, color. Yeah.

Oh, my title. I would... I'm just a little worried. I know as the younger sister, this isn't our relationship, but I wanted Chad and you to know that this might be something you want to look at. I've never smelled anything like this. It smelled almost as if an animal had been dead for two years inside of your body. Oh.

The color was no color I've ever seen of something that came out of an animal or human's body. So I'm just a tad worried, and I want to know if, Chad, if you've seen anything like this or smelled anything like this in your bathroom. But the stuff she's dropping in my house is alarming. Either one. Yeah.

I think approaching it from a safety concern, yeah. A safety, and you could say, I don't want to sound like a doctor here. Yeah, that's an important lead up. Legally, you have to say that. Maybe wear a little white coat with a pen. So Erica, take over for a second and really take a deep breath and think about what you're actually going to do because this show is not about we pitch some stuff and then you go, I didn't do any of it. We'd like you to try something.

Yeah, well, I do like the option so far. I'm never going to shy away from getting more blackmail, whether she...

you know, it's going to be combative and, and dig a dip into her arsenal. That's okay. I'm a little less shy than she is. So it's hard to embarrass me. So I have that going for me. Um, so I think potentially gathering the blackmail could be good to keep in my back pocket. Um, but leveraging, um,

time with my niece definitely feels like a good direction to go. And so in terms of the blackmail, what are you going to do specifically? I like recording her as she was coming out of the bathroom. Okay. Pooperazzi her. Pooperazzi, yes. And what are you going to say? What are you going to do there? How are you going to do it? Oh,

Just film her as she's walking out? Yeah. Say, oh, Chad was worried about where you were, so I wanted to show him, provide him video evidence that you're safe. Something maybe like that. I like the group chat.

That's pretty. I would also say. You're kind of liking everything. I'm trying to, because if you just film her walking out of the bathroom, she's going to go, what are you doing? And you go, Chad wants to know where you were. And she goes, okay. And then you go, yeah, got you. I just peed. That's not blackmail. She'll be like, what are you doing? And you go like, got you.

Okay. So, okay. I guess. Like I liked Katie's thing of you recording her. So you're hearing the sounds, right?

Yeah. And then you can say, what are you doing in there? And she'll be like, why are you asking me questions? I'm going to the bathroom. And then when she walks out, go, just so you know, I've been recording. You could also have like some potpourri in hand and spray it all over her and the bathroom when she comes out to really get it across. Like rice at a wedding. You just toss it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, Erica, you're going to try to film her going to the bathroom when she comes out. It's insane out of context. Insane out of context. So you're going to film your sister taking a shit. You're going to film her going to the bathroom. What's the next part of the plan that we're well signing off on? Absolutely insane. Film her...

In the act, and then when she's coming out. Not in the act. And not when it's coming out. Coming out. We're filming the sound. Filming the door, yes. You going like, eww. You saying like, Sally. That's good. Eww, yuck, stinky. Sally. Stinky Sally. Stinky Sally's back.

And then when she comes out, you're connecting the sounds to her face where she'll be like, what are you doing? You didn't film that, did you? Cut. Great. Got her. Cinematic. You then present to her almost immediately.

I want a sleepover a month. Bring that kid over here for a nap or I'm going to send this to everyone. I want your daughter. I want your daughter here on Wednesdays. I want your daughter here Wednesday nights. And I want a sleepover every once in a while or Chad's getting this disgusting tape. And then she'll go, what is this about, you psychopath? And you go, you've been dumping it on my house for too long. Just go home. Just go home.

No, that seems actually pretty perfect. I like that. Okay, great. So Erica, please follow up with us on this one. Very curious how it goes. We definitely want to see the video. We won't share it with your sister's face. Please tag us in whatever gets posted. We're going to put that on social, right? Yeah, we deserve to be able to put that on social. Yes. Promoter movements. No, I will definitely follow up. All right, we appreciate you. I think this is going to work well. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you guys so much. This has been awesome. We've got a good feeling. Thank you. Good luck. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Go get them. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. You guys all know what Squarespace is. It's the easiest way to create a great website. And I might create a Squarespace website about Lamar Morris and Kyle from the Lamorning After podcast because they're, you know, they're coming after us. And we haven't done anything wrong. We're the innocents and they're the bullies. But we will defend ourselves with the help of Squarespace.

Squarespace. We will make a website to defend ourselves. Look no further than my own website. Any website I'm associated with is Squarespace. They have design intelligence, cutting edge AI technology. So you can come up with the strongest creative potential.

There's Squarespace Payments. It's an easy way to manage payments in one place with Squarespace. Onboarding is fast and simple. You get started in a few clicks. Invoicing. You can sell your content. I mean, Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website, like online courses, blogs, videos. I'm teaching a lot of courses on my website. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. H-T-T-P-S colon slash slash www.squarespace.com.

Hello. Hello. Hi. All right. How's it going? Good. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Listen, we're going to want to know your name, your age, your problem, where you're calling from and all that. But let me tell you before we start.

This is not just going to be two weird drunk uncles giving you advice. We brought a drunk aunt in for this one. Yeah! Okay? So we don't have a lot of guests anymore, but we're very excited to have on for round two, the great Katie Nolan is joining us. Hey! Hooray! We can't clap, so hooray. She's a huge fan. Yeah, it wasn't great. Can we get your name, please? Alex. Alex, how you doing today? I'm doing all right. Okay, Alex, where are you calling from?

I am calling from a small town in the mid-Atlantic of the United States. I don't want to give away too much because it's a very specific problem. Okay, that's fair. And what age are you at, Alex? I am 27. 27, so you're young. So, Alex, 27. How about if you're in the jungle and you run in and you turn around and you see an animal? What animal are you seeing? Probably a tiger, yeah. That's cool. Are you scared of the tiger or excited to see it?

Kind of both, you know, like I'm excited that there's a tiger there, but then I'm also like realizing that I'm scared of the tiger. I have a hundred percent related on this. That's how I'll be with the silverback. And what's your first move when you see that tiger?

just like almost to pet it, but then run. Yeah, by the way, same. You're not going to make it, by the way. Almost like hug, I would love to hug a silverback. I would love to chit chat about our days. He's not talking about a silverback. But I'd also like to run. I agree. You're making it about your thing, but this new thing is different. Yeah, Jake's got a weird, weird gorilla thing, Katie. Just, you know, he turned his yard into like a weird little menagerie of stone animals. And gorillas are his favorite. Go ahead, Jake. Go ahead, Alex, because you're the caller. Yeah.

What's going on, babe? Yeah. Oh yeah. So, uh,

At my work, every week, we play floor hockey once a week. It's a great group. Floor hockey. But I have this issue where... Also known as knee hockey or mini hockey, depending on where you are regionally. Never have I heard knee hockey. Didn't know that. Unless you're talking about literally standing up and playing hockey. Yeah, you're talking about hockey... Like indoor hockey. Oh, man. Floor hockey to me is when you're down on the ground.

With little sticks. Do you ever see the little... All right, I'll show you. Sorry. No. I don't know your real thing that's happening to you. No, this is full-size sticks. Yeah, but I remember playing hockey on a basketball court. Yeah. That's street hockey. Yeah, that's it. Oh, but you mean inside. Inside. Inside, yeah, yeah. So fun. I've complicated this scenario, and I apologize. No, I want to learn about this knee hockey at another time. I'll tell you all about it. Thank you. So, Alex, you play floor hockey once a week.

Yes, with my coworkers. Okay. And the problem is, you know, everyone's there to have a good time. Of course. Get a little exercise, have some fun. Uh-oh. I can't help but wonder, how good am I at floor hockey? Hmm.

And I get this. I like, I feel like I go in and there's some days where I'm like, I am the best floor hockey player that has ever graced the court. But then there are other days where I'm like, I am absolute trash. And I have this one coworker that's like constantly kind of picking me on me about it and thinks that he is insistently the best. And I just don't see it. Right. Like, I think that, um,

you know, everyone that shows up is kind of around the same level. Yeah. Right. Um, but he has like a very clear ranking in his head that there's like a hierarchy. And I think that I'm like, I'm up there, you know, like I'm, I'm a solid player.

But then there's like, I just don't know. And I hate being in a situation where there's no way to tell how good we're out here. What sports there is, Alex? There's no cameras. Lots of ways. Lots of ways. Numbers famously don't lie. So are we scoring a lot of goals? You're totally right, Katie. This isn't art. Right. It's not who's a better sculptor.

I definitely score some goals, but I like to think that I impact winning. You know, like I'm passing. We all do. I'm playing some good defense. Most people don't. We all like to think that. Yeah, there's a lot of I like to thinks in this one. That's not to say, Alex, you're wrong, because there are players who do impact winning, but

and it's not always on the stat sheet. Intangibles. Yeah, what is it about, so you're a glue guy. What is it about you, Alex, that helps the team win?

I'm definitely a glue guy. I'm definitely playing with a lot of hustle, right? Like my defense is locked down. Okay, great. All right. And I've got a phenomenal vision. Like I understand the game. Okay. What does that mean? By the way, hold on. Is this me calling in? Honestly, it could not be. I feel like... Hold on. Did I have... Is this... The reason you didn't tell us where... Are you my son? No.

Honestly. I see the court in a way. What are your stats? Pretty bad in my cardinal shit. Yeah, he's saying all the things that don't show up on the stat. I don't know. I can't get goals, but everyone knows I'm the champion. Something about me feels different if you're getting what I'm saying. We lost. We haven't won a game, but... We lost bad and I lost it for us. And I threw a puck at a guy and I got kicked out of the league. But I'm a real helpful guy on the team. I broke my phone. So, Alex...

So you think, so just to be clear on this, you think you're a pretty good goddamn player and you think you're a glue guy. I think he's the best. One of the best. And this other guy in the league, who we call your rival in this...

We actually have the rival in the waiting room. Oh, my God. Whenever you want to hear from him, let me know. We're not there yet. We're not there yet, but that is very interesting to know. I'm so excited. This just got so much more exciting. It's a big twist. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a very big twist. So, Alex, before we enter this world of insanity, which we're about to, what is your specific question that we can help you with today?

I guess like how do I get some reassurance or some clarity on how good I am at floor hockey? Okay. Before we bring in another person, like while we have you alone, I feel like we should glean as much information as we can before people start. So I feel like what, first of all, this is such a 20-year-old guy, mid-20s guy question. Here's the thing, I'm good and I think this guy thinks he's good, but I think I'm better and I need help.

Your 30s are going to hit you like a freight train. The 40s are going to be worse. I can't even picture myself playing hockey in any capacity with these hips. But so, okay, so you don't score. Does this guy score a lot of goals?

So I, I don't think so. Not that much more than I do. You're there, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he? Well, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not keeping count, you know. He is, but I'm not, you know, I'm there to have a good time. But there's the, the pestering of like, oh, there's this many goals. I mean, I keep track on a day to day. Right. And the difference is never more than like, I don't know, one or two. All right. Let me ask you a question. Cause I'm trying to get something clean on this. So, so,

Cause I think I get where you're coming from, Alex. How many people are in the league? How many people play? So it's different day, like week to week. It's a little different. It's just kind of like an open, anyone that wants to come play floor hockey on Wednesdays can come play. But give me a rough number. We talk about 20 people in your little league. No, no, no, no. Like, like 15, I'd say 15. Okay. Out of the 15,

Where do you think you rank? You know, like on the NFL, they'll have like the PFF scoring and they'll go like two out of 157 for like an offensive guard. And you'll be like, oh, he's pretty good. So out of 15, where do you put yourself? I'd put myself like five or six.

That's pretty low, my man. I mean, we know the answer to your question. I gotta say, this show is a very low-stakes show. That is a... For our show, you're like 12, 13. So all we're really looking for is... I'm terrible. You're the fifth, sixth best floor hockey player out of 15. If you wouldn't

We're not even on the podium. Also, you wouldn't tell us where you're calling from? You could have told us where you're calling from. By the way, what do you think is going to happen? Alex, get in here. You're fired. I got to keep this. And the guy who were coming in your rival, what's this guy's name? Jack. Jack? And where would you put Jack out of 15? And be honest here. Don't say you don't know. You know. Where's Jack?

I'd put him like eight or nine. Oh, okay. You think he's worse. But why is he... So basically... This is two middles. Okay. This is bottom. Fighting. A fight for the bottom. Yeah. Really. Two bottoms. The stakes dropped so hard.

Here's the problem. He's going to come in and he's going to tell you he's number one. Okay. He's going to be like, Alex, Alex, Alex. Take it easy. Is your issue that he thinks he's the best or is your issue just that he thinks he's better than you? Honestly, it's that he thinks he's the best because I don't think I'm the best. Right. It's that like if you're going to show up and play floor hockey and like be...

Like, don't pretend that you're the best. But hold on. But Alex, we're trying to get clean. On this call, he said, I think I'm the best. I think you might have. But hold on, Alex. All we're looking for. So when we get jacked, because we can't just turn into chaos.

So we got to figure out what we're specifically asking and we've got to figure out how we can make you happy because you called Jackton. So Jack thinks he's the best player. You think he's an eight or a nine, but the call you're calling in about is you want to know where you're at. So we're asking Jack for his point of view of where you're at out of 15. And if he thinks you're a five or a six, are you happy with that?

No, I mean, not if he thinks he's won, right? He wants Jack to admit...

He's not one. That he's better than him. So Alex, is this essentially, you want Jack to know that you're better at floor hockey than him? I want him to know that we're equals. You know, that it's not one or the other. Okay, that you guys are equals. We're just going to be reffing an argument between two floor hockey players. Hold on, what we're getting to is, oh, Alex Watts.

And you also said that Jack, it's an eight or a nine. So Alex, if you're equals, man, you're an eight or a nine out of 15.

So you just don't like that Jack thinks he's better than you when you think you offer a different skill set, but it is equal to his prowess. So if he's an offensive player, well, he's not a glue guy and he doesn't do defense and he doesn't have great court vision. So you don't like that he's stealing glory, but you are actually as equal to him and you guys are of the same ranking. Is that right?

I, I, no one's ever put it better. That, that was, that was beautiful. So that to me is clean. So then what we're looking for is, yeah, is we are trying to get Jack to admit to you that you guys are equals. Wow.

Yeah. Well, absolutely. And I think let's, let's bring Jack in. And then I think we can try to maybe find a way to prove this. The call could just easily turn. But you can't do a one-on-one match because they have different skill sets.

No, but like we're saying, there are metrics to... I know, but it's different. So like my daughter's just starting basketball and we're getting really into it and it's really fun. That means Jake's getting into it and overdoing it, Katie. And not having fun. Nobody's having fun. Jake's ruining it for everybody. Everybody. But we were kind of talking about the early skill sets. And I was like, Alex, very similar to you. I was like, defense. Defense.

That's what wins championships, baby. That's what I literally said in the car last night. I said, you pick a number, you find a girl across for you. Make her life hell. She doesn't score. I go, I want these other girls to go, oh, that bitch number 10 is guarding me.

Oh, number 10. Shout out. That was my number. That's great. That's my dream. When I, when I come home at night, I think to myself, there's other coworkers that are like, oh fuck. Like Alex was on me all game. And there's a lot of flashy people who just try to score and they think they're great, but you go, you're not impacting the game. You're cherry wicket. Well, Gareth, that's because I'm an Alex and you're a Jack. I've never felt more even the best.

By the way, I get you, man. It's the flashy shooters who go like, I scored three. And you go, you didn't guard anybody. But they scored three. Yes. And you didn't score. But how many did I stop?

I don't know. How many did you stop? He hasn't told us. That's a metric. No numbers. But how do you say? Shots blocked. But he's not a goalie. He's an all-around glue guy. Okay, you know what? I'm with you, Alex. Let's bring in Jack. Okay. All right, we've got Jack ready to go. Okay. It sounds like Jack's antsy. You want me to start this? Yeah, get in there. You've got your finger on the pulse. We're keeping Alex and bringing in Jack? Yes. Okay, good, good, good. Yeah, we got everybody. Great.

Hello, everybody. Hey, Jack. Hey, thanks for having me. Thanks for coming. I'm Jake. You've got Katie and you've got Gareth. And? Hi. Thank you all. And you've got a co-worker, but we're going to get to that. But I think you know about this and you know what this call is about, correct?

I do know what this call is about. Yeah, Alex has talked to me a good bit about doing this. I'm a little starstruck. He's been thorough. Well, we want to let you know from the very beginning, we do not have a dog in this fight at this point. Wait, what? I was worried about what he'd say in the first little bit. You're not going to get bombarded. I will make that very clear. So what we're now looking for, Jack, a very honest assessment of

of your abilities on the floor hockey court. Oh, yeah. Who you are as a player, how you do. Any comps. Any comps is a great idea. So let's just hear about you as a player. You can brag, you can not brag, but just be honest. We're getting an image of you on the court in this Wednesday league.

Yeah, I appreciate that. So I started working at this school in 2019 and I've been playing floor hockey pretty much the entire time. Great. Started off as like,

you know, a little out of shape. Um, someone who I think was like a developmental prospect, you know, um, came in. I played street hockey with my brother as a kid, but I hadn't really, and played a lot in like high school with, uh, with my, like, you know, in gym class and stuff. Um, but this was like actual competition. Um,

Took me a long time. I feel like a lot of days where I, a couple of times where I'd skip hockey cause I like felt nervous that I wasn't good enough. Um, you know, a lot of, a lot of development going on. But a big, but a big prospect, Jack, but a big prospect cause you played growing up. Yeah. I got this.

Yeah, well, just for my brother. A lot of natural talent. Jake, I don't even think he's saying what you're saying. Do you understand? Jack, is there natural talent in you? Do you think that there's a diamond in the rough here? And if you can clean off some of this rust, do you think there's a pretty good goddamn player in this Wednesday league?

I think so. Cause after COVID I came back and I got back into the swing of things. I got in shape and I started playing, started playing a lot better. And what really kicked in was I started to get the confidence. Yes. That's huge. Real quick, Jack, what's your age?

I'm 28. Okay, so you're still young in this league. And what's your size? What's your frame? I guess so, yeah. You got you over six feet, you're under six feet. What's that body running around that court look like? Six foot on the dot. Perfect. Jake, are you scouting? You have a dog in the fight, it feels. Jake, I feel like you fell for Jack. No, I'm asking. So what are we running around at? How many stones? Two pounds, please, Jack. I'm wrong.

Last I weighed, I was a little over 225. I was like a linebacker in high school. Middle or outside? Mostly outside. I was a good coverage guy. Okay, so you weren't reading the defense so much. You were more covering. I love it. Alex, what size are you? What height are you? 5'2"? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. That was a joke. That tiger's going to eat you alive. Unless he is.

I think Jack would eat the tiger. Am I the only one who's feeling that? Jack would eat the tiger. The tiger sees Jack. The tiger shits and runs. Jack chases it down and it bites his neck. We're not going in that direction. We're not going in that direction. Alex, what's your frame? What are we talking about? What's your game? I'm...

First of all, I feel a little betrayed, Jake. I know, I know, but it's early. It's early. I know, we do. We do. It's early. It's early. We're going to end this well. I'm 5'8", 165. Okay, so very different body types to start. That's very interesting.

Do you want to see shirtless pics like it's the combine? No, but these are not guys I'd have guarding each other. Okay? So, Jack, so you're 6'2", 25. Okay? And where do you on the court, what do you play? Like, what kind of position do you play?

So I usually get volunteered to be the face-off guy. No one wants to do it, so I'm happy to do it. I'm kind of like, if no one wants to do the job, I'll do the job kind of guy. Wow, so you're kind of like a glue guy. Yeah, it's very glue-ish. Kind of, yeah. It's a glue guy. So when I'm at...

I'm sorry. Sorry. When I'm at the, when I'm at the point taking the face off, I usually snap it back. And then I do go on offense. I know that I tend, I'm more of like a midfield guy, lean offense. And I play a lot right in front of the goalie. I do a lot of screening, clean up a lot of garbage goals. So you get a lot of deflection, but a lot of stats, a lot of stats. Now, are you winning the majority of those face-offs?

It depends on who I'm facing off against. Usually the people who face off don't want to do it, including, kind of including myself. I get it. Why is that? There's like one or two guys who win. You can get slapped pretty easily and get hurt. Alex...

You could ask Alex. He doesn't take face off. Wow. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, Jack. You're not dictating when we go to sweet Alex. The break's there, baby. Jack, I'm sure you're familiar with the term cherry picking. Do you feel like you're ever guilty of anything like that? And that's a me question. That's not coming from anyone else. I mean, that has been accused. I get it. You know,

I've played a lot of NHL and, you know, on the video games, I think positioning is something that's very important. And I think I'm a sneaky guy. I can sneak back. I play in front of the goal a lot, but I'm a good defender. And I know there's been other accusations from my, my colleague on the call who doesn't think I'm as good at defense, but I don't think I cherry pick. Hold on Jack. And no one's attacking you. I'm just, we're now, as you can tell, as you can tell with this started, I got excited.

Yeah, it was crazy. But now I'm hearing another picture, and that is... Remember that, Katie? Yes, I do. But we're not there anymore. It's in the past. Let it go. He was like Parcells. He was like grabbing his buttocks like, Todd, real Todd. I was at the combine. Tell me what you're carrying around. But Jack, we do also, I'm a guy who played a little floor hockey in my life. Oh, here we go. I mean, what the fuck? We all have. And where did you rank out of 15? Yeah, here we go. Here we go. Probably two out of three.

I walk around at about 5'10", maybe. I don't think we've asked the most important question of Jack, which is where do you rank yourself? We're not there yet. We're not there yet? Okay. You psychopath. My bad. You psychopath, Katie. I forgot we had to get all this other random stuff out of the way first. You mean the whole show?

Hey, Jack, nipple-wise, what are you dealing with? Are they big? Are they small? What do they look like? Dinner plates, apple plates. Are they dinner plates? Are they babies? What are we dealing with? Pepperonis. Are they cat penises? Jake, not you. So, Jack. I have to check. So, Jack, when you start, the guy who does the face-off but then runs around around the goalie, you're getting a lot of stats, but that does not sound like a guy who's worried too much about defense.

I know, I know how it sounds. I, so we do four on four, not including the goalie. Um, if I'm at the face off, like there's two guys kind of on the wings and one guy on defense, um,

So if I win the faceoff or if I lose the faceoff, I'm already kind of at the top of the point. Okay. So I take a lot of one-on-ones when we're on defense at the top and I try to shut down or at least call the pass like an errant pass right off the go. I gotcha. So on defense, I'm not always as close to the net playing tightly there, but I do, I do like take on a lot of one-on-ones at the point. Okay. That makes sense. And there's how many people are in this league around 15?

Yeah, 15. It really depends on like, like, you know, sometimes we're down numbers, but I'd say on average about 15. So out of a ranking of let's say one through 15 and let's hear the real answer here. Don't worry about how it's going to sound, you know, like in the NFL where they have the PFF rankings. Yeah. Where are you out of 15 in this league?

Now, does this include goalies? Because we have like really stellar goalie who I think is a better goalie than I am. Katie, does it include goalies? I don't think so. No offense to them, but I just don't think we're ranking like you're, you know, kind of the same skill set. That's exactly right. The goalie number is just tanked. That's exactly right. But the goalies are its own thing. So out of the 15 no goalies, what's your PFF?

You know, I'd probably put myself at two or three. Okay. I know who one probably is. Who's what? It hurts me because, I mean, he's not, I don't know if I should say his name, but... What? What about the secrecy in this town? I am... You don't even know where you live. It's a wild... I know, okay. But who's that one in this thing? Vic? Vic. Vic, yeah. He's very good at controlling the ball. Of course it's Vic.

He's a good distributor, good defense. You never want him on you. You never want to be the one. I take a lot of one-on-ones on me. Unless you're a girl, then you might want him on you. You know what I'm saying? Jake likes him on you. Especially Vic. Why say girl? I'm just a fan for fuck's sake. Great point. So, Alex, can we go to you for a second? Absolutely. Where would you put Vic out of 15?

Vic's number one. That's, I mean, everyone knows Vic's number one. Okay. But I want to, I just, I just want to say this is the first time that Jack has openly admitted that he's not number one. Like this is a different kind of podcast. I mean, I know, listen, listen, objectively, I do think it's Vic. Subjectively, I have to tell myself I'm number one. How do you tell yourself you're number one? What ways are you letting people know you're number one?

I mean, I don't think I really it's in confidence of Alex, the confidence of an athlete. Jake, I'm not outward as well because he has gotten on Alex. Alex is calling the show. So what is it just talking shit to a co-worker or are you are you like a showboater?

Um, I, so I will, I will, I will point out, I, me and Alex have joked that I'm the only person who celebrates when he scores. You gotta have a celly. That's part of the whole thing. That's part of the culture. Thank you. Walk us through a celebration, Jack. Wild. What does that look like for you? Um...

I mean, back in the day, I'd like, this is really dorky. I'd shoot, like, let's say hit a slap shot. Now I dropped the stick kind of down my left hand. I'm righty. Down my left hand, like you were like putting away a sword. Sick. I love that. Me too. I've been described as having this like little, it's not like a run or a trot, but this like skip that I get when I get a really good goal and I get excited. Wow.

I do a lot of like, Ooh, like I make like a lot of noises when something's pretty. Okay. Let me just, let me just get this. We're getting a good picture, Jack. So you said two or three. So who would be two? That's the thing. I don't know. I think like it's, if you're looking at like a tier system, Vic's tough to beat. Vic's tough to beat. There's a couple of people who might be in my area that I don't think play as completely as I do. Okay. And where does Alex rank?

Alex is a new guy. He's been in the league for about a year. Alex has a couple of things that I don't think are highlighted enough in his skill set. Such as? He runs like half marathons, so he's got a lot of endurance. He can go pretty long. And he's really sticky on man coverage defense.

If he mans up on you, it's really annoying. It's really frustrating. Alec's very sticky on defense. That's a compliment. These are all compliments. Yeah. This is very diplomatic. Good cardio, good defense. Keep going, Jack. Yeah.

what he needs to work on and I've offered to help him with this because this is a confidence thing. Oh, there it is. There it is. I've offered to help. Imagine after a floor hockey game someone would be like, do you want me to teach you some stuff? Hey, if you need one-on-one coaching, I am available. What if you come over to my house? I can teach you how to do it like this. I'll train you in the garage. That is a great way to trash talk.

That is. After a basketball game, go like, hey, really good game, man. If you want, why don't you come by the house? I'll teach you some more. So what do you think that Alex needs help on? And then Alex, you are going to have a chance for a rebuttal.

There is a place on the stick. Our sticks are a little cheaper. They're a little floppy at the end. And I think in hockey, they're plastic. They're plastic on the end. And it's more firm in the middle and the center. Slopping it. Yeah, sorry, sorry. That's okay.

I should not have chosen the word floppy ball. That's okay. We all make mistakes. If you put the ball more kind of toward the base of where the shaft of the stick meets the head of the stick, that's a very firm, solid spot. I've learned this from five years of playing, six on the six. Six on the stick? And that gives you a lot more like...

a lot more connection on the ball and you can get a lot more like oomph behind it, which helps your passing and your accuracy. Jack, I got to jump in for a second. Alex, I'm understanding the call. Yeah. I am too. I am too. I understood. It's clicking. I understood the call since the sword confession. Because Jack, you're very diplomatic and you seem very rational, but it sounds like floor hockey Jack gets a little fucking wild. He's a different guy. And dare I say, a little annoying. Yeah.

But that's kind of what you're doing. Yes, Jack. I don't know if I'd say annoying. I don't know if I'd say annoying. If you're playing against the guy who puts a stick in his waist like a sword. Do you think Draymond Green is annoying from the NBA? Yes. Yes. Extremely annoying. How about if you were on Golden State? Universally. How about if you were on his team? I'd love it. If I'm playing against Jack. I do still think yes. Okay, so out of the PFF, where do you put Alex? I would put Alex middle of the pack right now and rising. So middle of the pack, say a number. Yeah.

Eight? Eight is a good number, yeah. But with an upward trajectory?

Yeah. Nothing. Nowhere to go. That's not true. He's got all the intangibles. He's got the brains. He's got the IQ for it. He's got the stamina. I think if he just let me tell him a little bit more about ball placement and shots and passing, it'd be a phenomenal product. Okay. Okay. I'm going to jump in. Here's what I don't think is going to happen. I don't think Alex is going to want to be under your tutelage. And I understand why. But Jake, Katie, Alex...

This call was about the problem is that Jack thinks he's better than he is. But then hold on, but we're almost there. Okay. So now, Alex, where would you rate Jack out of 15? Middle of the pack. We just said that's not an acceptable answer. Yeah, but so what's a number you would give Jack? Remember moments ago?

well I'll give him like seven okay wow so one better than you so your PFF for Jack is a seven Jack's PFF for you is an eight but out of 15 the middle of the pack would be a seven and a half right so you guys are both you see him as around a seven and a half he sees you around a seven and a half is that accurate to you Alex

Yeah, it is. Jack, do you see you and Alex at a very similar PFF? Not at this time, no. So you see yourself a lot better than him? I wouldn't say a lot better, but better. I think I've got a lot more experience. You put yourself at two, and I'm down at eight. That's not that far apart from each other. Out of 15, it is. Out of 15, it is.

And so, Alex, when you hear that, what do you think?

I'm hurt. I'll be honest. Okay. Well, so is there a way? He's also new. I think that's a detail that we have to, like, this is his first year. Yeah, that's true. And he's just trying to be a first-year glue guy. That's tough. You got to really have a personality to be the guy that brings everybody together when you're the last one in the room. So I feel like, I feel for Alex in this situation. This isn't participation awards. Oh.

Oh, here we go. What is this? Our cells is back. Stop saying PFF. This is hockey. This is not. Are you getting paid every time you say PFF? Do you have a deal with Collinsworth? This is the PFF. This is sports. This is the PFF. This is sports. Alex, I've got a question for you. And Jack, a question for you. If you guys were to play one-on-one. Oh, boy.

Whose skill set with no goalies, whose skill set would be better at that? Because guess what? Defense, if you play one-on-one in basketball and you're a defensive specialist and you're playing against somebody who's a cherry picker to score, I don't know who's going to win that game. So Jack, who do you think wins if you guys play one-on-one on that court, open nets? Who do you think wins and by what score?

I do think I win that. We discussed having a skill contest to figure out who was better. Amazing. And Alex declined. Okay. Well, we're not there yet, which is rough. We're not there yet. Yeah. I think, is there like a score limit, like first to a number? First to 10. Or is it like a timer? 10. First to 10. I think I win that 10 to 4. Okay. Alex, the same match, same court, center drop, one-on-one, open net. Do you think you win?

No, I don't. Okay. Because I think my value to the team is what I do for the team. You can be glue to just yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you have great court vision. So, Alex, how would you like to do something to test your skills? How can we find something that is a concrete way to see if you and Jack are in fact...

equal PFFs because that's what this call is about. I'll tell you what I don't think this call is about, Jack and Alex, is hurt feelings and being mad at each other because I'll tell you what this is. This is floor hockey. Now, Gareth and I know this because we get very vicious via texts when it comes to sports stuff. And in the end, it's all for fun.

So if this gets real and you guys are really getting your feelings hurt, then you got to shake it off. We're talking about floor hockey. You guys are adults. You guys are in your 20s. It's over for you guys. Out of school, I think you said? Your real PFFs are zero. Very similar to my PFF at every sport I currently play. Just curious if either one of them is a gym teacher is all I want to know. But what we need to get to, guys, is there's a way where the rubber's going to meet the road on this and that you guys are going to have a either...

a skill off or a something off that you both agreed to that is a fair, or we could pull the whole team. Go ahead, Gary. That's what I would say. Let's do a survivor thing because the issue is where does Jack actually rank? So I would say, let's just get a box out and,

anonymously people can write down the show could email people individually yes and out of 15 where do you think jack ranks oh we can also say where do you think jack and alex but you guys can't campaign that's important like i don't feel like you're not allowed to poison the well or inform anybody about anything why don't we do this we'll send a email if you guys give us a group email to the thing and we'll say it is all anonymous and

Do not vote in players who have not, we don't need, somebody doesn't have to end up being 15 out of 15. You're just putting Alex's PFF and Jack's PFF. I think we should drop the PFF. I don't think they're going to know what you're talking about. If you just say ranking, I think they'll know what you're, they'll definitely know what you're talking about. Yeah. I mean, is it important for you to know what they're talking about, Jake?

Of course. Because, I mean, again, you've made $1,000 off of your PFF name drops. But at some point, clarity is going to be important. But what do you guys think, Jack and Alex, about sending something out there and getting everybody's PFF? And the people who don't know PFF are listening to this call like, what the fuck are they talking about?

I think it's a perfect comp for this. I know you do. But you're not doing at each position. You're doing the whole league, so it's just a league ranking. I agree. I also don't even know what BFF stands for. I would have said it by now. It's pro football something. Pro football. Pro football something.

fantasy i love this admission focus pro football focus that's right but they're pf the pro football focus is ranking are you pushing back on what the acronym you've used 10 times no idea what it stands for i just know they do it and then they rank you out of the word i can tell you the word you're looking for is ranking it's the only one you've had to use this whole

time. I like ranking. We didn't have to brand it. Didn't have to be brought to you by CCM, but it could be. I agree. Never heard that word before, Jake. That's the only excuse. Rankine. Yeah. I like rankine. All right. So let's do this made up word that Katie came up with. Let's send an email to the team and figure out what your rankine is. What do you think about something like that? Alex, what's your comfort level on that?

See, I like that. I've suggested that in the past. Jack thought that it would make others in the league uncomfortable. Because we were talking about ranking everybody in the league. No, but that's it. Jack, we're not ranking everyone. We're just ranking you two maniacs. And we're taking the fall because this is a podcast and we live in this kind of weirdness. So we're saying for our show, do not rank other players. But your PFF out of 15...

Your ranking out of 15 is, thank you, is we are asking where Jack is, things to keep in mind, and we can agree on what decides a ranking. It's value to the team. It's deep. It's all these things. It's the whole picture. Goalie's not included.

Can you email the show everybody's email and we can do a BCC to everybody? We're going to email the people immediately, no campaigning, and then we'll have you both on and we'll reveal the numbers. And no hurt feelings, no sadness, no like, that didn't feel good. This is what it is. This is just what your PFF is at this moment in time. Can it change? Yes. Will it change? Yes.

Sounds good to me. And will you guys both live with these numbers? And Jack, if it's not what you like, will you not create a weird spin? Will you just accept it? And Alex, if you're at an eight and Jack's at a two, then guess what, buddy? You got to get a little bit better and maybe take a lesson. Can I throw in a link to that? If Jack, if we count the votes and Jack comes back in one or two,

Alex will take a Jack lesson. That sounds gross. Alex will take a lesson from Jack. But by the way, how about this? If there's a six-point difference and Jack is six players better, Alex, will you allow Jack to give you a lesson? Yes. Okay. If you guys are closer, hold on. If you are within three points,

Jack, will you apologize for offering lessons? After a game. After a game and say... In front of people. In front of people. I'm a little out of control to be offering this. We're pretty similar players. Sure thing. Yeah. Okay, great. So now we have a bet. So we are going to email everybody. We'll get the response back and then we will finish this thing off.

Is there no world in which I'm six places better than Jack? No, there's not. I don't know. Alex, we love you. But we've got to know you. As an Alex guy, I'm no. Alex, your PM just ain't there, buddy. No. No, we all want you to be great, Alex, but it's your first year and it's not happening. So...

If that happens, Jake and I will give you a lesson. Yeah, agreed. But we'll see. Which one of you, Alex or Jack, has everyone's email? I know one of you guys does because it's a group email. We both do. So will you then, Alex, we're going to have you be the point guy. Will you send that list to the show email and we'll do that right now? Yeah, I can do that. Why don't we do this? Should we give any warning to the team? Why don't we do this?

Let's pen the email right now as a group so everybody's in agreement. Yeah.

To your question, Jack, no. I think we'll just send it out. I agree. Hello, two lawyers and a doctor here. Yeah. Just wondering. So Natalie or Jesse, can you guys open up the email from the show just for the body of the email? Yeah, I've got it ready. Okay, great. So Alex and Jack, we're going to set this up pretty clean and make sure you're both happy with everything that's in there before we send it.

That makes sense to me. Okay, Katie, you want to start the email? Hey, team. Perfect. Hope all is well. Crazy out there, huh? Quick order of business. It has come to, not come to our attention. The issue has, I don't want to call it an issue. For the sake of research, we were wondering if it would be possible for everyone to please report

Can I just say parenthesis PFF? Yes, please. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Did I just say rank? Yeah, keep going. Keep going. You're on fire. Rank.

Rank on one, two. Not everybody. I guess, actually, I do feel like we would have to get the number. We've been using a fake number. Yes. But are there 15 people on the email? Like whatever the number is, it should reflect however many people. That's exactly right. However people get this email. I can check right now. Great. I would love that. I'll keep writing my fake email while you do that. And then you can just jump in whenever you have it.

So if you wouldn't mind ranking two players in our league, before we say the names of these two players, I will say that this will all be anonymous. Please don't lie in any way. Do not reply all, just send us. Yes, just send, very important. I would even reply, I would write that again at the bottom in like bold of like, do not reply all. It's a BCC though, I think you're okay. Keep going. Yes. Oh, good point. Okay.

Don't let any outside influence. What we're looking for is to place two players, whose names I will give you in a moment, on a ranking system. So if you believe one of them to be the second best and one of them to be the seventh, you will write their names, two and seven, and then you'll send it to us. The names are... It looks like 15's exactly right. Oh my God, look at us. Things to keep in mind for what makes a great player. PFF.

PFF. Scoring, defense, court vision, teammate, ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way. Plus minus. Are we missing anything, Alex, in the character, in the player description that you feel like should be in there? I think IQ. I think IQ is important. Okay. I'm okay with that. Jack, are we missing anything in there that you feel is important?

I think like an endurance thing. Okay. Just calm it down. But that means something to Jack. He's fair. Okay. Thank you, Jake. You're very welcome, Jack. Oh, kiss about it. Jesus, you two. Shut up. Get a Zoom. How's the end of that stick you're talking about? Jake. Jake. That's an arm. Jake. Where should I hit the ball? Right by the shaft. Right by the shaft. Katie. So, Jesse.

Yeah. Will you read back what this letter is? It'd be great if Jesse wasn't writing this down. I actually prefer it because now I'm like, I might not have made sense. That was great. That was great, Katie. That was really great. Thanks, guys. Let's hear what we got. All right. This is what I've got right now. Hey, team. Hope all's well. Quick order of business. Wait, you forgot the crazy out there. Oh, shit. Sorry. Crazy out there. Crazy out there.

Jesse, are you trying to remove the ability to make a little small talk up top about how crazy things are out there? Do we need to put in there who we are? Oh, that's, yeah. Yes, I think after crazy out there, we should say, we are writing you from our podcast. We're here to help. Available wherever you get your podcast. Available wherever you get your podcast. In this episode, two of your teammates have called in

trying to figure out their official PFF ranking in your Wednesday night league. Jake, we have to, and I know you have a sponsorship with the term PFF.

It's just ranking. It's a football term. Jesse, if you want to beep out some of my PFF, go ahead. But leave at least seven. No, the title of this episode is PFF, first of all. Okay, so then can you start over with that added in and can we see where this letter's at? Guys, I know this is tedious. It's even worse for the listeners, but it's important. Okay.

It is Wednesday at noon. That's the middle of the day. Yeah. Oh, it's a lunchtime week. Oh, it's a lunchtime thing. Okay. Okay. So can we... That changes everything to me. That's strange too. I thought the sun was down. It's different. Same. Even better. Okay. So can we start over, Jesse, and see where we're at? Yeah. So I've got, hey team, hope all's well. Crazy out there, huh? Yeah.

We are writing you from the podcast. We're here to help. In one of our episodes, two of your teammates have called in trying to determine their individual ranking in your Wednesday afternoon league. I think you forgot PFF. Keep going. Yeah. There's a decision. Okay, keep going. He's a real editor. Jesus. Smart. So then I guess we'll just...

cut straight down to before we say the name of these two players just know this will be anonymous don't let any outside influence get in the way the names are Jack and Alex I feel like the thing you came up with of the things we're ranking them for should come before even their names things to consider yes

One, two, three. Yes, agreed. And did you write any of those down, Jesse? I think I wrote all of them down. Can we hear to make sure Alex and Jack are happy with it? Because those are the two guys who matter the most in this. Yeah. Definitely not the audience.

Okay. Okay, so two of your teammates have called in trying to determine their individual ranking in your Wednesday afternoon league. Things to consider. Scoring, defense, court vision, teammate, ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way, parentheses, plus or minus, passing, IQ, endurance. Jack, happy.

The only edit is make sure it's Alex K because we have another Alex. Oh, thank you. Very important. Are these your real names? Because I can just put that in right now. He'll put the real names in. These are our real names. Yeah. Okay. That's why we don't know where they are. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Alex, are you happy?

Yeah, that sounds great. Okay, so then maybe... I think make it overly clear that you don't need people to reply about each one of those categories. You're just looking for those categories to be considered when reaching one number between 1 and 15. That's exactly right. Yeah. Got it. I want to say...

Don't. Go ahead. Well, do you want to put a timeline on the reply? Can you please respond immediately? Yeah, please respond. All you need to respond is a number for each. Take your time and think, but please respond as fast as possible. And please don't do this thinking about people's feelings. Yes. These are all adults. We need actual rankings. Now that's a PFF, pro football feelings.

Yes. But I think that's important to put in because I don't want people going like, they're both number one. In my heart. Yes. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting real PFFs here. Exactly. PFF forever. Yeah. What's the timeframe? How quickly do we want it in? Within the hour. Please respond immediately.

As soon as you get this, it shouldn't take that long. Yeah. And the cutoff, give them a cutoff so they know what that means. Cut our polls close before. Polls close. Stay in line, but the polls close. Polls close midnight tonight. Midnight's amazing. Okay. Sorry. I can't go to bed yet. You know this ranking. Okay, great.

And then guys, when we get these things, we're going to call you back on and reveal the number in the follow-up. Amazing. Alex, you called in. Are you happy with the call? I couldn't be happier with this outcome. This is really what I've been looking for. I've been eating a PFF. Where would you PFF rank the call, Alex? Thank you.

I don't have other calls. So you could have just said number one. Okay. Whatever. Jack, you were a visitor on this call. Uh, are you happy with how it all went? I, I feel, I worry about the villain, the picture that Alex has painted of me as a villain. Um,

But other than that, I had a wonderful time. First of all, you painted it. And second of all, Jake bought it. Second of all, I tattooed it on my back. Yeah. So guys, we will follow up with both of you. And then we're going to do whatever the thing is we decided. We're going to finish the bet. Everybody's going to be happy. We're going to move on. Deal?

Sounds good. Love it, guys. Katie, thank you for joining our show. Katie, thank you so much. Thank you guys for having me. Really fun. Thank you for having me. Yeah, really fun stuff. Alex, Jack, you guys leave now. I also do want to know. Let me know who wins. Of course. We will. It's a big thing now. Well, this whole call is being turned into a movie. I don't know if you heard that. It's called PFF. A 30 for 30? A 30 for 30. All right. Thank you guys for the call. We'll follow up as soon as we have info.

Thank you very much. Bye, guys. Oh, wow. Katie, thank you. I mean, what a blast. Such a funny. That's our longest call. Was it? Really? Ever? I think it is. Yes. That was like more than an hour. Was it really? I didn't feel like it at all. I think it flew by. Katie, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you for having us. You were great. This was fun. Really a blast. This was really fun. Really fun, Katie. Truly our longest call, so thank you. I cannot believe that.

I really do want to know. I'm hoping, I'm like gunning, I want them to be like two and five. Like I want it to be a little closer. I want Alex to be close. Yeah. I think we all want, we all want Jack to lose, but we're going to have to be honest with this right now. I don't think he's done it. When Alex is like, what if I beat Jack? Yeah. We don't want to consider that that's an option. Yeah, I don't think so. No, buddy. Have a good life. Come here, short king. Well, thank you guys. Thank you, Katie. Thanks so much. Thank you guys. You're the best. You rule. Thanks.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.