151: Thanks for the Memor-Trees & Fluid Wars
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And we are back. Jake. You know what I just did? Yesterday, when this airs, it'll be about two and a half weeks ago. I'm not the timing guy, so don't even. I took a hike with Lamorne. Oh. Yeah, we took a hike yesterday. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Because I remember we recently talked about a hike you did with Lamorne. Yeah, we've taken a couple. Yeah, but the one specifically where he was gassed. He's so gassed. And then you filmed him. I filmed him this time. Uh-huh. Well, I mean, I guess, obviously, we've been pretty public with the fact that there is a little bit of, there's a beef. Yeah. So it's kind of interesting to hear that you're, you know, going out there. I guess this would be like,

You see each other. You know, it's Hollywood. It's a small town. So what was the vibe? It was really fun. No. What? This beef is weird. Big beef. Big beef. What? No, it was... I'll tell you this, and I know he's going to hear this, but I got to say, I don't know what he's doing physically because he can't make it up the hill, Gareth. But he looks good. We hiked with Steve Berg a lot, right? Yes. So you and I are both...

We like a pace. We like a pace. A couple of guys who might appear to be Ford focuses or Cutlass Oldmobile, where you go, that car can't go...

But we can make it up the hill on a pretty good pace. Yes. Yeah, and we're folk. I view a hike as the way up is the exercise, the way down is the chat. I totally agree. Berg viewed the whole thing as a chat. Yes. And then eventually, when I'd hike with Berg, I mean, I think we both, you know, at some point he'd go...

you don't have to wait for me. And you'd get to the peak and then you'd be like, where the hell is he? And then like eight minutes later, you just see that little blonde head sort of Nordicking up. What, what Lamorne does, which is shocking.

Is he makes excuses where he'll stop and pretend to be smelling flowers, but always at a big incline point where he'll be like, man, this is a beautiful plant. And I'm like, we're eight minutes in my man. Like you can't stop mid incline. You can stop at the little plateaus. Sure. And then every time we turn a corner, he goes like, you gotta be kidding me. This isn't even safe.

And I'm like, we're not talking about the safety of the hill, you geek. Just keep walking. So how is, because he is like, we've, we've seen, I mean, he's been very public with some of these shirtless pics where he's, I mean, he is in good shape, but their conditioning is weak. I don't know. You know, I, I'm not saying. Are you saying? I'm not saying anything.

Are we maybe, we talking about some juice maybe? I don't know. I don't know. Is it possible? I don't know. I don't know. That would be sad because that's a slippery slope. I agree. Would you ever do steroids?

Yes. Jake, I was just going to say, why don't you answer? You? Yeah. By the way, you're late 40s. You're HGH phase. A couple decades from now. Yeah. Four years probably. What are you? Are you 45 or 46? So what were you saying? When you go through your big head phase where, because at first you're going to be very strong and it's going to be like, whoa, dude, and you're not going to tell me.

I'm just going to go like, dude, your arms and shoulders look good. And you'll go like, PX90. They've always been like that. Yeah. And I'll go, you do look different. And you'll go, God, you're gaslighting me. Yeah. I'll be like, buddy, you're obsessed. You're obsessed. And I'll go like, I think. And then one day I'll go, dude, your face is.

10% bigger. You've got like extra bones in your face. And you'll go, it's a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I'll be like, I don't know. The swelling will go down if I stop juicing for a couple months, but I can't lose the bulk. What happens with Barry Bonds head, Mark McGuire head? How does this happen? Well, that was, I think they... Human growth. They've gotten a little bit better at it, it seems. But it definitely...

Like, I saw Stallone the other day. Yeah. Like, you know, not in person. We weren't hanging. But I watched Demolition Man recently, and I was like, God damn, that guy was like, that is like peak. Yeah, oh, good. And then when you see him now, you're like, eh, it's just something happened. You know, I feel like it's the equivalent of when we were growing up, we all felt bad for all these women having plastic surgery and getting boot jobs. Mm-hmm.

and then there was an era of all of a sudden we didn't feel bad for the men, like the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and all these guys who were really strong. But now because of the podcast alpha male culture, there's a lot of dudes doing a lot of different stuff to their bodies. Oh, yeah. That is not healthy, but you'll see an actor all of a sudden, they'll be like a little bit, you know, not a Lamorne, but some like these other guys where they have like muscles on muscles. Yeah. And they go like...

They do like a men's health, you know, where they look at their fridge and they're like, it's just protein powders. And I'm like, get out of here, man. Stop. You're lying, you geek. Yeah. You're taking steroids or whatever it's called though. And that's cool. But there's some more. You're going to pay the price. Like.

Mark Wahlberg. Yes. There's a guy who I'm like, I don't know. Like there's some people. For 100%, he's on something. Like when you think of like surgery and stuff. Yes. Like Rob Lowe, whatever Rob Lowe's doing, whatever he's like, we all know he's like 70. Agreed. But Garrett, I beg you, man.

To do it? I will do it. Please don't do it. I will do it for you, buddy. Don't start going. Don't be a stand-up comedian in your 50s who gets facial surgeries. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Talk to me. Jake. I worry about you. Jake. I love you and I'm worried about you. We need a heartthrob on the show. I agree, but it's not us. So let me handle it. Let's get a guest helper. Stop, stop. Let me help. Let me help the show. I'm here to help. Okay. I got this.

There's a man in your room in the background. We told him to stay out of the camera. But you're in a hotel room. Yeah. What's going on? I just saw somebody pop up.

It's Luke, my buddy, who I go on the road with. We're in a room together. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Now, I got nervous for you. No, no, no. I was scared. There's a man going through your stuff. It's his stuff. He's going through his stuff. Don't worry about it. So you guys share the suitcase? No. That's no. He has his own stuff, and I don't. Stop it. This is not. We're not going to this. What were you going to ask? You were asking about something else. I was going to ask. The conspiracy. The conspiracy.

Did you just freeze on purpose? No. Did I freeze? By the way, you just froze on purpose. Am I still? That would be a great move. That would be a great feature for Zoom to have when you don't want to talk about something fake, the fake freeze button. All jokes aside, what if we tried to invent that and get on Shark Tank? We really should get on there. A button that you could press...

That actually makes it feel like, because it's not hard technology. This is what it should be. It's an app that makes it seem, it just lowers your service. And then after a couple glitches, drops you off. I think that's right. So valuable. By the way, if there's a web designer out there, we don't need somebody great. No. Look at us. Email the show.

Let's see if we can get on goddamn Shark Tank. And you know what they'll tell us? It's not a business, it's a hobby. And you know what I'll say? That's why we need a shark. You know it would be gutting to be one of the people who goes in there and they never air it. I wonder how often that happens. I bet a lot. You do? Yeah. But why would they air something that, or just let it be not a great...

I think because they want to have a balance. You're going to waste all those sharks' time? They probably don't go on for, they probably pull the plug on somewhere. They're like, no, no, no, no. Right. I mean, I'm sure they're heavily prepped and all that shit. I think so too. And do you think that, do you think they have teleprompters? No. I'm not talking about the sharks. I'm talking about the people pitching. No. You don't? No. I think they are prepped. Because you've seen sometimes where people lose their train of thought. Yeah. Like sometimes pitches go horrible and someone freezes.

You know, it's a product and I feel like this, they're not a sponsor and I don't know if I got it from Shark Tank, but I love it. It's called Skylight Calendar. It's an old school calendar, but it's done on a computer screen, but it actually looks like a calendar.

And so you can put everything into it, but you could also do it through your phone. Are you hanging it on like a wall? Yes. This is big for me. I know. This is very big for me. So skylight calendar, Dareth, because I was always, I try to do it on my phone, but you know, it's not great. I like the calendar. I completely agree. I got to see it. I had a manager who was like, you need to get away from your wall calendar.

Yes. And I have, but I miss it. I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, man, if it was there. Dude. Because the problem is it's like, it should be my home screen is what it should be. Yes. How about this? This is my favorite. My favorite text. Are you joining? And I'll be like, oh my God.

Oh my God. I'll be like out somewhere and be like, I've joined something. It needs to be joined. Are you joining? Yeah. Nightmare. Like at, at one Oh four. And you're like, Oh shit. Just lying. Just a nightmare. Just lying to people coming in. And then this is my play. Sorry. I was having a hard time getting on the zoom link. I'll do something like that. I'll be like, just set it up right now. Yeah. And then I go like, something went wrong. And they're like, you're covered in sweat and you're shirtless. And I'll go like,

Well, I wasn't sweating and I was wearing a shirt when I tried to get on this Zoom link in the last 43 minutes. Everything went wrong. It's the best. No, better Wi-Fi I'd heard. I think someone sent me the wrong link.

Just pulling up the email now. Yeah. So I'm now doing a non-commercial commercial for Skylight Calendar for you guys. Skylight Calendar. I am in. I don't know where I first saw it. I think it honestly might have been Shark Tank because I was doing a period. I'll watch the show and then buy the products. You have it on your wall? I have it. Wow. So you can put it on the wall or you could also put it on a stand.

I like the wall. I like the wall. They give you the tools to be able to screw it in a wall if you want to. By the way, not huge tools. I'm not sure why you're trying to like home improvement. I mean, what is it, a screwdriver? Are you not a handy guy? I'm a very handy guy. We used to work construction. Who do you think you're talking to? So did I. Yeah, I'm handy. I mean, I can do it. See, that is exactly who you and I are in real life. I'm ambitious. By the way, you just nailed who we are in life.

I can do it. And then without anybody saying something else, it's, I mean, I could do it. Then if nobody says anything, you would also go, there's a better person for the job. But if you're in a bad spot, I'm your guy. One time a friend of mine was like, can you hang my lighting? And I was like,

And I genuinely, I said yes. You did? And while I was doing it, I was like, I'm probably going to die, like, up here. Yeah, that's intense. Like, I was pulling, I was doing electrical work. I was like, I have no business touching wires, twisting wires. It was insane. No. And it worked. But I was just genuinely like, oh, I'm definitely, like, I'm going to die in this guy's house. I don't like that at all. Yeah. Let's get to the show, goddammit. Okay. Without further ado.

Hello? Hello. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Bryce. Hey, hold on, Bryce. If you got some excitement, let's let it out. What do you got, girl? Let's party. I stopped you. I don't want to stop you. Bryce, you're on the show.

Heck yeah. Oh my God, y'all. I'm so excited. My heart is like racing. Do people normally get this nervous? Yes. I think so. I think so. Everybody's always freaking out whenever they... Yeah, I mean, this is the biggest podcast of all time. It absolutely is. No, it is. Bryce, you've been a long-time listener? Yes. Absolutely. Since day one. And what do you think your favorite episode has been? Okay, well...

Usually I say my favorite episode, and this is like early on, was the woman who was masturbating in front of, when she was helping. Oh, the cat sitter, of course. The cat sitter, yes. I loved that episode. I showed it to my husband, and at first he was like, oh, ha ha. And then I waited a little bit, and I was like, oh my God, you should listen to this episode of the podcast.

And he was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Okay, good. Well, he's definitely not the problem. This guy sounds like a winner. So Bryce, where are you calling from? I am currently in Denver, Colorado, but I am from Sherman Oaks, California. And that's important for the story. Okay, so why don't we just get right into it? What do you think, Garth? You got any questions? Yeah, let's do it. No, let's party. Okay, Bryce, what's up? Okay.

First, y'all didn't ask me what my age was, so I'm just going to give you that information. I am 28. Okay. From Sherman Oaks, California. My family has a four-story tree house in our front yard, and it's insane. It has running water. It has a full-service bar. It has a little electric fireplace. What? It's insane. It's crazy.

It's been there since 2001. My dad built it in 2001 just for me and my sister. Oh, and this is in Sherman Oaks. Sherman Oaks, yes. It's incredible. We're looking at it. You know what we will do? We will post this on Instagram too so that people can see it who don't get the video. It is awesome. It's beautiful. Yeah. So your dad built this? Yes.

Yes. My dad, who is not a carpenter, he actually used to work on The Simpsons for like 20 years. What the hell is going on? What did your dad do on The Simpsons?

He was an animation producer. Cool. Yeah. So he built it. He's the most creative person in the world. We started doing this Halloween display called Boney Island. And it was in our front yard. And everyone just became obsessed with it. We got a little too big. So the city had to shut us down. What? Now we do it in different venues. Okay.

But anyways, we have one neighbor who lives across the street from us and she hates us. She hated us because, yeah, because Boney Island was always so loud, which I get. But also it's like two weeks out of the year. People have thought she has young kids. So like the kids used to sit down.

on their lawn and just watch people have fun at bony island because they weren't allowed to come over you know it's funny is when you said but come on i expected her to be like it's one night but she's like it's two weeks three months you've calmed down and so tell me again bryce just because i was trying to catch up on this thing uh what is bony island again it's a party you guys throw in that treehouse

Sorry, Boney Island is a Halloween display that we do on the front yard. We live on a corner lot, so it takes up the whole front yard and side yard. Okay. My dad and his friend created a water show. It's kind of like the Bellagio, how it dances to music, and we have a maestro. Imagine being the neighbor. Okay.

Yeah. No, it's like, I get it. But also everyone else in the neighborhood loves us. They love Boney Island. They love the tree house. Is this going to happen next October?

Well, I think so. I'll be there. I'm going to be there. By the way, I'm living in the treehouse year-round. I am going to Boney Island next year 100%. Okay. You said imagine being the neighbor, Garrett. This is right up my alley. Jake's going to buy the house. Oh, my God. I would live in there.

That's where I would be doing my outing. Can you imagine the rhino on the wall of that? I was just going to say, I can only imagine the aesthetic in there with you with these stone animals. I'm loving everything your dad's cooking. Yeah. Well, I used to sleep up there when I was a child. I would go camping up there. It's such a thing with the community that people have... Someone came up to the door and was like, hey, can I propose to my girlfriend in your treehouse? We walk by it every single day and it's just like...

Such an important thing for us. And we were like, yeah, sure, whatever. It's been on the news. It's been in, in, on TV shows and commercials, all that jazz. You're setting us up for some pain.

Okay, so this really mean neighbor, she complained to the city because we don't have permits for it because this is back in 2001 when it was just like a fun little project that my dad did. He didn't think of getting any permits. Yeah. No. How do you permit a house in a tree? Yeah, it's crazy. Right. So the city...

I think the city was just being a little petty and was like, oh, we don't like this thing because it's not permitted. So we're going to make it super difficult to permit this thing. So after fighting with the city for eight years, we have to take it down. Oh, yeah. What? That is such bullshit. And that's the city. I agree. And that's the city of Sherman Oaks.

That's Los Angeles. So Los Angeles, the mayor of Los Angeles. Okay. I mean, that's one of those things. This is what LA's worried about right now? I know. That's like of all the things to be sweating. Right? All of our issues were taken down a treehouse? I know. Yeah.

Come on. Okay. All right. So this is a, this is a big setup. I got to say, I mean, from the sounds of this, this does not sound like our kind of problem on our show. Jake, you know how this ends with me running for mayor. Unless it's honestly Parmesan in the mayor's floor, we might be out of our league. Parmesan the city. Yeah. Um,

Maybe fight fire with fire, Parmesan on the floor, 70s Bush. The hell is that over there? The 70s Bush is Parmesan-ing. Yeah, we're saying build another treehouse on the neighbor's yard. Yeah, it'll distract them. All right, so, Bryce, this is a big setup. This is a, the city's letting you down. Where are you at?

So my question is, my sister and I want to throw a very large,

going away for the tree house. And my parents were very cautious to say, don't make it too big where the neighbor is going to call the cops on us because we don't need that. But we want something that's more than just like, oh, thanks for all the fun memories, like a boring little party with all of my parents' friends. Yeah, agreed. Yeah.

We don't want it to be a party. How are they, like, do you know how they're going to take the treehouse down? Are you meant to take it down? Is the city taking it down? What does that look like? No. My parents are hiring, like, a construction crew to come and take it down. Okay. This is terrible. It really is. It's a tragedy. It's awesome. Yeah.

But that's the thing. We don't know when they're taking it down. So I'm looking at flights to come home like every other day to be like, okay, should I just book a flight and come in and we'll just have a party? Yes. We need to first plan the party and what exactly it's going to entail. Okay. So that's why I need y'all's help.

All right. So Bryce, let's talk it out for a little bit. So it's a beautiful multi-level tree house in a tree. It's been around forever. It's part of the community. They got to take it down. So you want to throw a party or is it more just about a big party or you just want to, you know, give it a Viking funeral type thing, something to really honor it before it's gone. Where's your like, where's everything at?

Well, my parents want to just give it a goodbye party, but my sister and I wanted to give it a good old fashioned Viking hoedown. Yeah, something big. And

Something big that I can tell my kids, that other neighbors who loved the treehouse can tell their kids. The treehouse is so legendary that I feel like it just also has to have a legendary... Ending. Yeah. Yes. Did you say you... Do you have kids, Bryce? No, I do not. You do not. Okay. Well, I kind of got... It's like we're saying, Jake. I mean, this is pretty...

You know, it's kind of a grief. It's like it really is. It's kind of like a funeral, honestly. So it's a little strange in that way. But I think you're right. I would say let's get ahead of this and let's pull the plug on our own versus let the city determine when this thing comes down. That would be what I would start with.

So I think what we need to pitch Gareth is themes for a big blowout party that her parents are happy with because, you know, it's their thing. So their friends are going to be there, but then there's some also younger people that can enjoy it too. Right. I think you're right. Right. And we, my sister and I were talking and we said, okay, um,

mom and dad your friends can come during the day that'll be like the nice party you can say goodbye whatever and then the moment it hits like eight o'clock that's when the real party starts well the problem is is we've got another catch on this bryce as you know you got a karen as a neighbor and she's gonna call i'm not worried about her i'm sorry

She's, do we want to make nice with her now? No, she's going to call the police. Bryce, who lives in Denver, you think we give a shit about her? I think you're crazy. She's going to call the police. She's going to call the police. Bring them. Bryce and I are willing to live in jail for this. Right, Bryce? Tell him. Yeah, I'll fight.

Yeah, exactly. I'll punch a cop. I won't be. I'm actually out of town for the event, but in spirit, my God, is it exciting. Well, why don't we do this? I think we really, this is what I would pitch lightly, is that, you know, we have this party. You want to grieve the tree together.

on its own. You could call it something like Tree Later or Thanks for the Memortrees. What we could do is we could have this party and we could have a construction guy there that night and maybe every half hour we can just kind of take a piece of it down and kind of keep it in bigger pieces so that we can keep the wood and

And maybe when the time is right, repurpose the lumber to rebuild, maybe not a treehouse this epic, but something in for your kids, for your sister's kids, or even just a little house in the backyard that isn't like over, you know, overseeing Sherman Oaks. But really like, like it is now.

I mean, it's always weird when you party after a funeral, but it is like, there is something cathartic about it. So maybe you are just like, yeah, you have a bartender there. You have like some drinks in the yard, you're playing music and you just have someone help you like the construction people who are going to take it down, have them there that night and every half hour, take down a chunk so you can sort of get used to it. And it's on your terms. I think that's interesting. I got a question. Uh,

How much weight can that thing carry? Because you probably, you know, if it's not permitted, how many drinking adults can be in that treehouse at once? I could be super wrong about this, but I'd say like 20 people. Okay, and how big of a party are you thinking of throwing? Well, the party would take place on Thursdays.

the front lawn. So you could see the tree house. Yeah. And then if you want to go in the tree house, you can, but you don't have to spend the whole night up there. So one kind of sweet thing I would do is I would get your parents to do all the photos over the years of the tree house and all the people in the neighborhood, I'd pass it around. First, I'm going to give my sweet pitch and then I'm going to give what I would do as my second pitch. Okay. So then I would have

And inside the walls of the treehouse, all the photos and different memories, I would have an opportunity for people to speak. So because it's not just like a party, you're not going to do themed, you're not going to dress up like pirates. It's not going to be one of those kind of crazy things. But everybody can go around and talk about what the treehouse meant to them.

I would have the speakers facing your neighbor's house. There we go. Just a little bit of salt in the wound. But I would have this whole idea of like, it's going, so let's all honor it. So the party is there to basically say the people who got engaged in it, somebody who grew up used to go to it. People could come back and essentially say their goodbyes. The second pitch that I would do is closer to what Gareth was saying, which

And I would have the party while it's being taken down. And the part I would be having everybody getting drunk and you guys are all part of the tearing it down process. That you've got a couple people, the construction people who are telling people when things aren't safe, like the big roof, but different people can go in at different times and like kick a wall out.

rip about like you know like it could be part of like a fun crazy experience as opposed to this sad thing like it'd be fun to take it apart

Yeah, if you wanted to keep it on the lawn, you could do that, but you could be rotating people up there, and you could have, it's kind of like the balcony, and so people could go up there for a minute, and you slowly start to take, you take the roof down, take the stairs down, leave it so you're kind of taking it down in an order where people could still go up there as the night goes on.

but I think something like that. I mean, that feels like a way to real time kind of grieve it, celebrate it and get it down on your terms. What if we do it like a funeral? What if we do do it like where people talk about it? There can be a microphone, there can be music, there can be like you're saying pictures,

things like that, that can kind of like, not that it's like one continuous event. Yeah, but it starts off with the funeral vibe. Yeah, you could kind of start it there. Speeches. Exactly. I like inviting the people from the neighborhood. I think that's good. I'll come by. But what's the second half, Gareth? Then I think it is kind of taking it apart. I mean, I don't know if you necessarily want to kick it apart, but you could kind of like... How do you do that safely, though?

I mean, I would say you're not going to be able to take the whole thing down, but there's going to be just an element of your kind of distress. Look, your dad's there. Your dad built the thing. I mean, your dad could probably start taking pieces of it down. I have an idea, Gareth. Yeah.

So at every big kids party, what they have in LA is there's this section of the party where they do the big old fucking pinata. Yeah. I'm looking at a big old wooden pinata up in that tree. And you know what the pinata looks like, Jake? Huh? The neighbor.

Yeah, you would. But I think you get a big pull and everybody takes turns from down beneath hitting the pinata. And I would say you fill the house with candy.

So that if you can pop holes in it, you turn it into a tree piñata. A triniata? A triniata. And so the party starts with speeches. Everybody remembers it. Then you've got a fun time where you take out this big pole and you go around and everybody takes turns. They get three whacks. And you literally put a bunch of candy and fun stuff at the bottom of it. And the idea of it is, is whoever can pop holes in it first...

and start breaking it down, that's the goal. I love that. Right? Because everybody else stands further away so that they don't get hurt, but one person who's got the guts goes up there and takes a couple big hacks, and then what might happen is the whole thing might fall in big chunks. Ugh. I don't think it's going to fall in big chunks, but I like where your head is. Just beat it with a pole. Okay. So you like the idea of the pinata feeling? Yeah.

Yes. I think that's great. What do you think about like a theme, Bryce? Where's your head at with that? I just don't know. I love a theme. I have a theme for every party. I just don't know what the theme would be for this one. Well, the theme could be like a final salute. It could be everybody has to dress like they're at a funeral.

I think you could do funeral. I also do think, and I think this was pointed out as a hacky pitch earlier, but I would pitch it that it could be pirate themed and you could call it like treasure Island or something like that. Cause it is kind of like, it does have this Buccaneer style on it. Yes. And that you could put, you could put like fake gold and goodies up there. Yeah.

Yeah, it kind of is like, like it just kind of, I mean, it really does just have that vibe. So you could do that. I mean, and you could really like, you really could theme it up like that. You know what I would do at the beginning of the party is if you're doing a thing, what do you think about like a Treasure Island Pirates thing, Bryce? I like it. Because what you could do at the beginning is you could, if there's neighborhood kids, you

You could actually store, like have like a little scavenger hunt. And one of the clues is up there. So at the beginning of the party, you're actually showing the beauty of the tree house and the fun of it. That all throughout like the front yard, there's little clues and things hidden. And so you're seeing the point of it. And that is when you were growing up, you played in there, you had sleepovers in there, you camped in there. So it's meant for fun, right?

And if neighborhood kids at the beginning of it are all enjoying it, well, it's a really stupid thing to take down. So you're doing that. Then the middle of the party is after that, when it's done, everybody kind of talks about their memories or what they're going to miss about it. And then when the parents go to bed and it becomes night, you can turn it into the pinata because that's a raging ending party. Yes.

Yeah. I like that. I like giving it the send off that it truly deserves. Cause I don't want it to be just a sad, like, Oh, one day random men come and take it down. Yeah. And then another question. Oh yeah. No, you go, you go. Um, uh, if we were to make a sign that was to hang on the tree house, um,

What would you recommend that sign say? Just something to say like goodbye tree house. No, but I hear what you're saying and I think you should do a sign. I think it should be something of the city of Los Angeles. And if it's Mayor Bass, Mayor Bass and the city of Los Angeles are making us take down this tree sign.

Thank you, Sherman Oaks, for allowing us to be part of your community for the last 20 years. And the reason I say that is it could be a last effort dish of people coming out and saying like, hold on, I'm a big believer in it's not over until it's over.

Yeah, I do think you could definitely do something like that. And it's like, if people wanted to take... Like you're saying, someone proposed to their future spouse up there. If people wanted to take a tour of it as it's going away, it kind of does give it that status of a landmark almost. And I don't know. I mean, I think you're right. Oh, wait, I have a pitch, Gareth. What? Another party pitch. Okay. Because the hitting it is fun. The scavenger is fun. But...

I would say, Bryce, here's a different pitch. You just let a group of people come. Your parents, they might, when you pitch it to them, I could see your parents going like, we're not doing the pinata thing. It's not safe. And then you go pirates and they say no. And this was a wasted call, right? Here's a pitch that could really happen that you could make happen with your group.

The party is just the party. Your parents do a thing. Everybody's sad. The neighborhoods come out. Everybody's wearing khaki pants and button downs. It's a really nice thing. A couple of glasses of white wine and, you know, everyone's giving each other hugs. And after five minutes, everyone's talking about life anyhow. Right? Then you go around a little bit. People make speeches. At night, you and a group of your inner circle do a slumber party in the treehouse.

Oh, fun. And you stay up all night. You all sleep in there. You get like 12 to 20 of you, but you go, you camp in it one last time.

And that night you're really honoring it. And it's not necessarily for the neighbor two blocks away. They can come to the little one with your parents, but the real party is at midnight. I don't know if you guys are going to be smoking weed, drinking, eating candy, whatever you guys do that's fun. That's what you guys are doing all night, but your group spends one more night. And maybe it's you and your siblings and your parents. I don't know what that group is. It's like a Goonies sequel. But you do a Goonies sequel. Yeah.

I like it. It'll be like drinks, drinks on the top floor. Yes. The middle room. Yes. All the windows. Yep. Yeah. And it's everybody has to sleep there. So even though it's uncomfortable, somebody could be like, I'm dying to go to my bed. It's like, nope, last night. But you do one last night of new big memories and then you let the city do what it's going to do. Which is bullshit. We're on record.

But what do you think of that? Let your parents have the quote unquote party and the late night VIP party is one final sleepover rager that you don't have to contact the city. You don't have to worry about noise complaints, but you guys go in there and you spend that last night. You don't go back inside till nine in the morning.

I love that. I absolutely love that. Okay. That's special for just the inner circle. For the inner circle. And that's what this is really about. Maybe someone like Jake comes over with a statue of a silverback and sort of spoons that on the top floor when you're all there or something.

Yes. I mean, if I could get a statue of a silver lake, I would love to have that. Yeah, that's not the joke part. If anybody has access to a statue of a silver lake. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of a silver bag. What did I call it? A silver lake? Silver lake gorilla is the hilarious thing to imagine. That's Steve Berg. Yeah. That's nine different basketball teams of hipsters.

Well, Bryce, I think that's great. Do us a favor and just, you know, take pictures, send us stuff so we can do a real good update on something like this. But, yeah, that's a great way to go out on it.

Okay. I love it. I will absolutely follow up with y'all. So what are you going to do? Yeah. What are you going to do? Well, okay. Well, first I'm going to pitch the pinata to my parents. Great. Hopefully they don't say no, but if they do, then pitch, I'll pitch it.

I'll pitch to them like, oh, just like a party with me and my sister. And we just invite all of our friends over and we just have one of our classic tree house parties that we had growing up and they think it's fine. And then we bring a beer pong table up there. We have handles. We have weed for everyone. And then whatever you want, whatever,

And then they don't really know what happened that night until the next morning. I think that sounds nice. And everyone is just passed out in there. So much puke. Yeah. But I think that sounds nice. I think that could work. I do too. I think that's great. And if you guys take it to the pinata route, you got to film that because that would be something I'd be very interested in seeing. Oh, yeah.

Yes. If that happens, that's a pretty cool ending too. Well, and let us know when this is happening too. Cause if I'm in town, I will come by.

Okay. And I noticed that's the second time I said that, Jacob, both times. Really just sort of cold on the idea, but I will. Also, you're not going to do it. You say this and it never happens. I'm going to be there. Need I remind you, I almost dressed up like the Green Goblin for a party in Chattanooga. I know, we spent a whole call on that. Luke did it. Luke did it. But you ran out the back and ran from that. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Enough. You did. Calls over. The follow-up was we saw Gareth, we approached him, and he ran away. Come on. Like a green goblin would. Thank you, Bryce. Keep us posted. Bye, Bryce. Bye.

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So no matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find a stay that is ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You're very welcome. You excited? Yes, very. I'm excited to have my problem solved. Your life's about to change and probably a mediocre way. Can we get your name, please?

My name is Emery. Emery, great name. Emery, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Michigan. Michigan, whereabouts in Michigan do you want to say? Ann Arbor, this is a college story. Are you in college? I am. I go to the University of Michigan. You hung over right now?

Not currently. You know, Emery, there used to be a pink house that a bunch of my friends lived in in Ann Arbor. A pink house? Yeah, it was like a pink house. I don't remember where, but we used to all go up and party in the pink house. Have you heard of these legendary party stories? Yes, I have heard of the pink house party. Pink house party? Okay, good. Yeah. Pretty good. All right, so what do you got? Okay, so...

Me and six of my best friends, we're all girls. We live in this beautiful college house together. Yes, exactly. We have brand new neighbors that just moved in. Second semester just started. And they're all freshman boys, which we were obviously immediately concerned about. But the concern definitely grew when one of my roommates started getting woken up every morning by like,

What?

So we all hypothesized that these kids were opening their top story window and peeing on our house. Yeah, it wasn't until a week ago when kind of us were standing on the porch doing nothing. And one of them came out and started peeing on our house. It was during the big Lions game. One of them was so drunk, we caught him in action. Yeah. Hold on. So there's a video of this. What are we looking at?

We sent you some visual aids. Yeah. One big concern here is, to be honest, not even my house, the health of these boys. I don't know if you guys are seeing the video of the window. They're dehydrated. Yeah. Do you see how sticky that is? Super yellow. And that's going, they're aiming for our windows. Wait, hold on. What are they? They're pissing on the windows on purpose?

Yeah, they're aiming. It's a game for them. I put up a sign that said, stop peeing on the windows. You're gross. And then they just started aiming for the sign. Oh, God. This is a lot more complicated than I thought at first. Holy cow. Yeah. We're just... Like, we're gross fans.

From the get, but college us is the grossest. That's what you have to understand. I wouldn't put an us in this. Maybe you're part of this. I am not connecting with peeing on a neighbor. You don't go peeing in the pink house. You pink house guys don't pee. If I was a freshman boy and I lived next to a house of six junior girls, I'm not pissing on their fucking windows. I agree. That's definitely not what I'm doing. That is not a move. I'm trying to get over there to hang out. 100%.

I'm trying to be charming. I want them to think I'm cool. Yeah, I'm hydrating way better. Yeah. So, Emery, these freshman boys go on the roof, they get drunk, and they piss on your house. It's crazy. Yes. Okay, have we had any confrontation with them besides the sign?

Okay, there have been a few instances of confrontation. One of them was when we were all outside and we saw him emerge and poke his little thing out the window and start peeing on our house, and we all screamed at him. Another instance happened when one of my roommates, who's actually in the car with me in case I miss anything, threw her window. She's the one who gets her window peed on. We yelled at them many a time.

But the weird thing is after the last confrontation, one of them taped like a piece of paper with his Snapchat up to the window. Like it might be a flirt, which is even more off-putting. And this is the wildest animal kingdom I've ever heard of. By the way, if this works as a flirt, I'm lost. It doesn't, right? Emory, no. No, no, no. We have higher standards than that, I fear. Yeah, these guys have taken themselves. I...

I could see a world where they think they're involved in a little bit of a game with you all. Yes. But I can't imagine thinking that this is in some way attractive. I got my first pitch. All right. I got one too. Go for it. So you got six girls. So it's sick. It's, uh, whatever the cost is divided by six, but I think you go to, uh,

You know what? Actually, one of our sponsors is SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe. We're having the same pitch. Go ahead. And we could maybe try to contact them through HeadGum and see if SimpliSafe would send you guys cameras to put outside. And I would let these fools know that you're filming them and you're going to post it. And I'll tell you why.

No guy, maybe 5% of guys and 100% of ducks, like the size of their dicks while peeing from a low angle shot. No. This is not a shot that you go like, I promise you I'm more impressive, but this is what you're seeing right now. Like a toilet bowl's POV of a dick. The Ann Arbor cold. The Ann Arbor cold. I would put a sign that says, keep in mind, boys,

It's February in Michigan. What we're seeing isn't impressive and we are filming it and we will post it.

Yes. That's basically what I was going to say. I was going to go fake cameras to make them just think they're being filmed, but you're right. We have a sponsor. And then I'd also say, and thanks for the Snapchat. Happy to tag you. Yes. Happy to acknowledge you. Happy to acknowledge you. And then I'd write little guy. Yeah. Happy to acknowledge you, little guy. I'm assuming it's bigger in the summer. We've just seen them in the cold. No.

Maybe be less proud of what you're showing. Okay, this is good. Blind faith. But that's what we should do. I think we'll try to connect the dots and get you a setup. I mean, it is very easy to use. It's the best. Yes. It takes a second to set up. It's nothing. And it works. So it would be a way for you guys to just...

Yeah. They're going to be on it. They're outdoor, so they're waterproof. Yeah, they're outdoor. Rob, thank God you came in. Jake was about to hammer me so hard. I was. I was. I was. But here's the thing, Emery. We're going to contact somebody. If it's not that, then just get on Amazon or go to a local place and get a cheap security camera. You can get fakes. Not fakes. Yeah. Oh, you're talking about just scare them.

Well, just make them be like, I can't piss out there anymore. But I'm talking about, you have six girls. What's one of these cameras going to cost? $129? Yeah, you're right. Divided by six. Ladies, one night, don't go out drinking and eating wings. How much is that? $129 divided by six, Jake? $1,000.

About $25, $26, $27, $28, $30. Okay. $21. You could probably do that. $21. You're not thinking about tax. Rob, you're not thinking about tax, baby. Rob, Jake was doing the Michigan tax edition. Yeah, I went to Iowa, University of Iowa. It's a different game out there. Come on now. So, Emery, what do you think of a note from within the window that's saying, letting them know that in the winter, they should know that everything shrinks?

You're filming it and you will be posting this. Yep. I think this is good. I think this might put a stop to their shenanigans. Yeah. I'm going to implement the note as soon as I get home. It's really bad. I wouldn't do the note yet. I would get the cameras up. I would get the cameras up. Or you could do it in stages, Gareth. You could say – you could do the note and say –

We are getting a camera installed. If you guys know this keeps going, we, you leave us no choice. We have to do this. We're not looking for a big battle with you guys. We just don't want our windows fucking pissed on. I, I, I would, I would start with gross. I would, I would go with the kids. So yellow. It's like a vitamin piss. I would start with the way, get the cameras up first. That's what I would do. Just because then it seems like, look, this party's over right here. Here's B.

Because I think A's are winners. P on their house. Take a dump on their door. Wow. Emory. That's been the plan B for a while. Let me tell you this as a guy. Guys think they're crazy. You know what you could also do? Tampons.

Okay, that's the other thing. I'm an art major, so I just have gallons of fake blood laying around for no reason. So we were going to do the tampons and the fake blood. I would say... Our cycle synced. But I would say if I'm a guy and I think I'm a fucking legend, I'm an Ann Arbor dude and the fucking lions rule. And dude, fucking, I hate Harbaugh and fucking our life's rule. We're drinking so much fucking beer and college fucking rules. And it's so funny, dude. Trevor fucking pissed on this girl's window, dude. It's fucking hilarious. It's hilarious.

And then I saw six bloody tampons on my door. I'd be like, I want to move back into my mother's house. And I'm not. I am scared. That might be the true part. I'm a boy. I'm a little boy. It's going to be cold and they'll go like,

And if I also knew like a 20 year old woman took a dump on, like she pooed. I hate this. How was it even positive girls did that? And boy, how do you do they? Yeah. And that's an enormous dump. And then you go like, held this in for 18 hours for you guys.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I think I like the tampon thing because unrelated to any of this for us, there is actually a pile of human poop on their front lawn right now. Ew. What? What are you talking about? They have bigger fish to frow right now. What are you talking about? They're pooping in their yard? Do they have a toilet? Is this an issue with the toilet? Oh, it's a fraternity house. The window that they pee out of is their bathroom. They pee out of the bathroom window. Right. Right.

There's no rhyme or reason to any of this. Well, the rhyme or reason of peeing out the window is they're fucking drunk and literally the toilet might be clogged is what started it. And they're so beer drunk. You know, this call started... If I could pee out the window, I would. This call started with me being like, man, those are the good old days. And now I'm like, thank God I have a place with plumbing and this is not an issue I'm dealing with. But by the way, Emery, you said something interesting. You said, if I could pee out the window, I would.

Oh, boy. Well, do you want to get into this? Yeah. Every girl wishes that they could pee out a window, I think. Well, you know what you could do? You could pee in a cup and throw it out the window. Okay, that was another thing we were thinking of.

There's a thing called the she-wee. It's not a competition. There's a thing called the she-wee, which is like a thing that women can pee in on the fly. Like men have the advantage, obviously. You could go that route. I would tear, if I were you, I would tear them like this. I would do cameras, A. Yeah.

I would do B, tampons, which is just wild. And then C, I would just engage in the piss war. That's what I would do. Yeah. What would your order be, Jake? I would do A, camera.

With a note, but I wouldn't do the note that's like a game, and I'll tell you why. An 18-year-old in college has nothing to do. It's like one class in a day, and a lot of these kids don't work, so it's like, oh, is this the... That's the Shiwi. So the Shiwi's a real option, although the P is going to be so disappointing, Gareth. Uh...

Yeah, it sort of looks like a Comedia dell'arte nose. Yeah, it's going to just dribble down. So I would be, now Emery, let me ask you this. If you guys and them get in a battle, is that fun for you guys or annoying for you guys? That's fun for us. We're all seniors. We're graduating. So that's what I mean. This would be kind of entertaining.

Yeah. So then I would do a note. I would do a can. I would do the camera and I would consider if you want a war, start off one, pee in cups and throw it out the window at them to put the tampons at both of their, their front door and their back door. Okay. And say, you want to have an outgrow soft guys. You're dealing with 22 year old ladies. I think I like this. Okay.

I think our number one might be the tampon. Really? You're going to start with tampons? What do you think, Emma? Yeah, I think tampons. Yeah, we think we might go immediately with tampons. Just an instant yeah from Emma. Emma, real quick to go on to the tampon. I'm going to imagine her smoking a cigar cut in half, and she just instantly goes, yeah, we're going to go with the tampons. Tampon, and she crushes a beer on her forehead. Yeah. Yeah, wait, here's the thing. I'm the roommate.

This was a nice alarm for a semester. First semester, it was a stream on my window, and it was somewhat pleasant to wake up to before it was freezing. So am I screwed out of my alarm now? There's no heroes in this. Look, I'm sure if you said to them, we like it, those guys will happily pee on your window to wake you up. Yeah, yeah. Be careful. You're dealing with the males, and as two of them, don't overdo it. Yeah, but don't forget how crazy the females are.

Well, listen, what I like... Senior college ladies are wild women. Here's the advantage. In the fluid war, you all have a gear the guys don't. So if you do want to go the tampon route, it really is... It will have an impact. Yes. It really will. That's going to end the game. So Emory, or it's going to turn it into a war. Yeah.

Or they're going to start bloodletting themselves. It could get worse. They are shitting on their lungs. It will get worse, guys. Inexcusable. So, Emery, Emma, we've given you guys some pretty solid pitches. Walk us through what you're going to do to handle this problem. Okay, so what we're going to do is it's actually been semi-nice out for the past week, but it's definitely going to get freezing again. We're going to wait for it to get freezing again, and then we're going to

equip the tampons with the fake blood. They have a really nice front porch. We could freeze them to the porch. They have ring lights going around their house. We could tie them to the string lights. Oh, great. They're asking for it. But yeah, no, like we, now that

Tampon plan is a go. We're going to go for it. Okay, great. So then follow up with us. We'll go in the dead of night. Yeah, follow up with us what happens after, and then we'll talk about the camera as plan B if we need it. Okay. I'm going to be honest. I think SimpliSafe might have just dropped off of the plan a little bit based on our plan A, but we had them on the line for a minute, but I do think they've kind of moved away from the project. I say we go tampon, and then you guys call us back and let us know what happened.

All right. Sounds good. All right. We'll go talk to you. All right, Emery, Emma, go on, you wild animals. We'll do it. Thanks, guys. Bye. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Gross. Ugh. Very happy not to be in college.

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Yeah. So Gareth and I are in the dark here, so could you tell us who this is and what your first call was? Yes, this is Mateo. I called you guys about the whole duck. Oh, yes, the duck. You are, this call was so, so funny. This call was funny before the penis got involved. I agree. And then the penis got involved. Yes.

So, Matteo, walk us through what your problem was again. I think this was episode one of season two, so it's an easy listen. Yeah. But walk us through what the problem was, what our solution was, and then what you did. Our solutions were madness. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so I live in an apartment complex, and my problem was that I got really close with this duck that lived on the property because I gave him a cookie. And he turned out to just be crazy, and it kind of became a little too much, and now I had this duck that was like two –

attached to me and would chase me every time I would leave the apartment. He would climb into people's cars and stuff. And yeah, it is weird. Remind me of the penis thing again. Okay, so...

Yes. Ducks have a nine inch corkscrew penis. Nine inch? That looks like pasta. And it's really scary. Yeah. I did not know it was nine inches. Yeah. How big is the whole duck?

12 inches? Yeah, duck's 12, 13 inches. Just by the way, built right. Yeah, just a nine-inch. I'm 5'10". My dick is 4'3". What a fantasy world. I got duck proportions. Yeah, I mean, is it a fantasy or is that a living nightmare? I got duck proportions is a great comment. A four-foot duck.

Look, I might be short and ugly, but I got dark promotions, baby. I got dark promotions. My duck's almost as long as me, baby. Hey, I have my dark dick.

Okay, so we had a bunch of wild pitches. I don't remember what we landed on. Yes, you guys had two really great pitches, which were that I should get a taxidermy duck, and then I should build a—or not build, but I should get a duck costume and kind of be like a really bigger, you know—

The issue was when you walked... To intimidate it. Yeah, when you walked from your car to your apartment, the duck would really engage with you. It would fly, it would get on your shoulder, it would show you its penis. And so we were saying either for that walk... This is how Gareth courts people. Wear the duck costume. The costume's not going to stop me. Wear the duck costume or have a taxidermy duck like you're already spoken for in Duck World or something. Right, yes, yes.

Well, shit, Mateo, what'd you do? Yeah. Okay.

So I got a, it wasn't a taxidermy duck, but I got a very like realistic looking statue. You really did? And I put it out and I put it out like on my porch. And I do want to add that I had each and every intention of obtaining a duck statue.

But when I called, it was like really close to like Christmas. So there was just like a whole geeky, geeky, you know, that kind of stuff. Wait, sorry. I don't understand. I don't understand why Christmas would have an issue. Well, it's our busy season for the Ducks. I thought you were going to say Halloween. Well, because there's a ton of stuff going on. And then, you know, it's tough to get like...

because everything is, you know. Oh, I got you. Oh, okay. You were ordering. Okay, gotcha, gotcha, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was with you, Gareth. I still am a little iffy, but I'm letting him go. Same, same, yeah. It doesn't have to happen before Christmas Day. Yeah, that's what I was, as I was going, yeah, yeah, I'm like, there's really not a heart, like, come on, otherwise Christmas...

I mean, I was going to get it, but, you know, the Christmas season. So I had to say no to that pitch. Obviously, you got to do that before Christmas. By the way, that's the way people on follow-ups could tell us they didn't take our idea. You know, it's going to be the thing you pitch, but then with the holiday season coming up, I decided to just do my own thing. A great way to let us down softly is from now and be like, well, I want to do your pitch, but it was a holiday season. So what I ended up doing was. And then from now on, let's make a rule. If they say that, we just go. That makes sense. We let them go. That makes sense. Now it's the busy time of year.

All right, Mateo. So you were going to do the duck costume, but the holiday season. So what'd you do? Yeah. So I did get a duck statue and I did see results and I'll be honest, I have a few mixed emotions. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we get to your emotional state, you got a duck statue and you put it outside your door.

Yes, I put it on our porch. He would like to climb up there, yeah. And so the duck saw this and has stopped coming around? Gandalf is gone. I think it worked a little stupid. Hold on, Matteo. Before we get to the reaction to the result, which I understand is heavy,

This was what the call was about, Gareth. It's a bell ring. It worked, Mateo. It's a bell ring. It worked. We're going to deal with the next thing next. But right now, you said you were having a fucking duck whose weird little dick was scaring you, and we got rid of it. Whose dick you calling little? It worked. Two-thirds of the duck's size. I agree. His big little cork. I just always want to say little with Dick. Yeah. I understand. That's human.

but his duck had a nine-inch cock. His big old pasta dick. But, Mateo, the statue actually psychologically worked with the duck. The duck came to attack you, saw another one, and went like, motherfucker, he moved on.

It did. Yeah. Wow. I did not expect that to work. I can't believe that actually, no, like all of our pitches. You know what I might do? You know what I literally might do because of this? We have raccoons that come in our backyard and eat my outdoor cat's food. I might get a fake raccoon.

I might tell you a pitch. Order it now, though, because of the holiday season. But the new pitch, if you do a Mateo, means you just get the thing that looks like the thing and put it outside. You get a statue of your problem. You get a statue of your problem as the Mateo. I might Mateo the raccoon to see what happens. That's great. Mateo, when the idea worked and where are you at? Yeah.

Okay. I think I feel a little bit of regret. Yeah, I get that. Like, I kind of miss my duck buddy. Welcome to every breakup I've ever had, my king. Yeah. It's always greater. I got to Mateo this lady, and once I have, I go like, what a mistake I've made. So she was mean to me. So what? Built a statue of Sheila, and now she's gone. Yeah.

Who's this barfly outside of Jake's apartment door? She's the new Sheila. Get lost. Oh, this is awkward. I guess the cat's out of the bag. My Sheila would be smoking a Parliament light cigarette, being a black miniskirt, have some scratchers in one hand. Duck penis coming out of the dress. So, Matteo,

You missed the fucking duck, huh? Yeah, well, and so I did talk to a few people. I talked to a few people that are on my property. There's a guy that lives directly below me that would give bread and grain to them. And he says that a few ducks got actually hit by a car. Maybe that was Gandalf. Maybe not.

Oh, okay. No bells getting rung anymore. Yeah, but hold on. Hold on. A car hit multiple ducks? Yeah, it's strange. This is like the Christmas logic. Yeah. It was the holidays. Because we've got more than 20 ducks on this property, and we live right next to a pond. So I think there's just a ton of them. So there's a chance that Gandalf has been murdered. Yeah.

You think it was premeditated. If one car hit multiple ducks, they're not like the ducks were tied down. It's true. I could see one duck get hit. The other ones can literally fly away. Yeah, it's strange. It's strange, Matteo. So here's my pitch. Now I'm invested. Now I care. You've pulled me into this weird world of yours. We got to get to the bottom of what happened with Gandalf. Wow. Wow.

You got to start going out there with those little vanilla wafers. I know. We got to find them. The cookie you gave me in the first place was a vanilla wafer. Am I right? Yes, it was. Good job. Good pull. Well, I remember that because that was wild. It was wild. It's a crazy instinct. No doubt. So I think you got to start going down by the water.

And just leave a couple vanilla wafers. You're talking about wafering the yard. I'm talking about wafering the yard because what I want is Gandalf to smell it and go like, that son of a bitch wants me back. I want you to take a little time to go out there, wafer it, stand there. I mean, we do have devices that call ducks.

You could get a duck calling device and you could stand out there. I think that's right. Start using that. See if we can maybe bring Gandalf back if he's still out there. I think emotionally, Matteo, you got to know if your guy's still there. I agree. Get closure. And then...

I would try to strike up a bond with another duck if you don't get Gandalf back. Don't do that to Gandalf. It's too soon. What are you talking about? I'm not saying right now. It's the holiday season. I'm just saying when you feel like you can get back out there again. I know, but it's just to where this is crazy early, Gareth. I'm ready to move on. I know, but emotionally you don't deal with anything. You just go from one Gandalf to the next. We're trying to process the loss. All right. Okay. Are you going to run away from the bachelorette party? It's in about me.

About Mateo. A bite through your tongue right now. Yes, it's true that there are plenty of ducks in the pond, but like exactly. No deer. And I saw a bunch of ducks just kind of playing in the snow and it just made me think like, man, like I wish, you know, Gandalf was like here. Hold on, Mateo. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You made a big mistake.

Okay? You didn't realize how good you had it. He called into a podcast of two of the smartest guys in the world at dealing with the dumbest problems in the world. Okay?

And we told you to Mateo the situation and it worked. And then you woke up and you go, what a fuck up. So now this is not a follow-up. This is a second call. It's how do I get my love back? Yes. And the way you get your love back is one, you admit you made a mistake. Two, who cares if when you're walking to your apartment to your car, if you get attacked, that's part of the relationship you're in. You're in a weird relationship, man. Yeah. You know, you picked a weird duck.

I get it. You know, I mean, I think he's right. I, I, my favorite part is obviously when Jake said you made a huge mistake and you took our advice, but I, I, I think that, uh, I think that's what you should do. I mean, I think you should start with the wafers, get a duck collar, go out there for sure. I think duck collar, number one, try to get them back. Yeah. I say get the duck collar, then go out there with wafers after you do it, get every duck in the community.

And just start looking around. If Gandalf is back, you know, you got to earn back his trust. I remember this doc. This was a very funky looking creature that probably got bullied if we remembered. And then maybe he got his feelings hurt.

Jake, are we above putting a flyer on a tree or two asking if you've seen this duck? Yeah. I mean, you look at it. He's got turkey eyes. Yeah. So I would. What a beauty. I would put flyers up around. Have you seen Gandalf? Fractured relationship with him. Looking to mend. And then I'll put an email. A description. Red eyes. Penis two thirds of his body. Or you could just put a photo up. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a photo. And then maybe a description just to let people know that I wouldn't talk about his big duck dick. Well, I would, I would, that's where Jake and I are obviously splitting, but I would bring up the penis in the flyer. I wouldn't. Maybe a little thing where people could tear the, hold on. Maybe a thing where people can tear the number off. And I see, have you seen my duck? It's got a great big deck. I'm not calling that number. That's not what I'm pitching though. I'm saying miss missing Gandalf world's greatest duck. Didn't know how good I had it. Parentheses holiday season. Yeah.

Slash nine-inch dick? No, I'm not done. If seen, please call. You put the number there or email so people can get in touch with you. You'll know it's him. He's got big old turkey eyes, some miscoloring around the bill, and a penis that you can see from space. I wouldn't do that because if I see that... Huge corkscrew cock. I'm not giving the number.

I'm not calling and saying, I found the duck with the big dick. I'm keeping the duck. Do the email. Then you're going to have 15 people trying to kidnap the duck. That's like saying, I got a lost dog. It's full of gold.

I actually don't think that's a one-to-one, but I appreciate how proud you are. Mateo, I think what you got to do, I think Gareth is right. Put some flyers up, get a duck collar, get those vanilla wafers, and let's get Gandalf home. And then call us back with an update on this one. This is a big one. It's a big one. And then hopefully what's going to happen is

What I think is going to happen because I've got a lot of experience in these kind of relationships is you guys are going to get back together and then he's going to start being terrible to you again. Yeah. And you're going to call back and then we'll find you. We'll get you out of the situation. And if it's a sad story, we'll never take a call again and people forget about it. Thanks so much, Mateo. Appreciate it. Bye. See you guys. All right. Take it easy. Thanks.

Fuck. I love this saga. It's just unreal. I love the Gandalf saga. We do have a little video that he sent over. Oh, gosh. That's it. This is the story of my encounters with Gandalf the Duck. I will start at the beginning. We named him Gandalf because when we found him, he was blocking the stairs to our apartment and it wasn't easy to pass him. But after doing some research, I found out that when ducks wag their tails like this, it means that they like you.

And so I found myself constantly stepping out of my apartment to take a peek at him or I take a break from work and go out and sit with him for five or ten minutes. And he just had this really goofy, quirky personality that I felt drawn to in a way, if that makes any sense. And I could tell that he was slowly becoming more and more comfortable with me to the point that I was actually very surprised to hear quacking right outside my front door. You can't come in.

Oh, man. Oh, my Lord. Now, this, I felt, was a turning point for me...

and Gandalf because since I work from home, I got to sit outside with him for about 45 minutes to one hour and just hang out. I'm a photographer and videographer, and so it was really chill to just go outside and sit with Gandalf and have a really nice afternoon with him. It was not long after this that he was extremely comfortable, not only coming up to me, but climbing on top of me and just chilling with me to the point that I actually felt comfortable and confident enough to pick him up.

I picked him up. And after that, the next few months were great. I had this little duck buddy that was excited to see me every single day and would just climb on me and hang with me. And my neighbors were so astonished that I could pick him up. And he was so chill with it and just as cool as he was. And it was a really great relationship. But then it went a little too far. Yeah.

It did get to the point that Gandalf was too attached and when I was just trying to walk my dog so that they could do their business, he would latch onto my pants and not let go. And then Gandalf became extremely comfortable with my friends that would come over. And at first they didn't mind the pecking, but it became a little excessive and a bit aggressive.

Oh my God. To the point that when they were leaving, he would try and climb into their car with them until I came down to lure him away. Oh my God. And then there was the incident. As I'm sure everyone who has the internet knows, ducks have a nine inch corkscrew penis. And unfortunately, one late night hangout with Gandalf got him a little too excited. Oh my God.

Oh my God. The sense of betrayal was immeasurable. My duck buddy turned out to be a duck ditty. After that, it just wasn't the same. I started avoiding Gandalf, but he would find me. He would find me while I was walking my dog. He would wait for me outside my door. He knew where I lived. I knew there was only one solution to call these guys and ask them for help. And that's exactly what I did.

Oh my God. That video is incredible. Holy shit. I might be one of our, Matteo's a star. That is amazing. That is, that's a lot. Yeah. That was a lot. Shit.

All right, so we're going to figure out what happens next in this saga, please. We got to figure out what happens in the third thing. I'm dying to, I don't think Gandalf got hit by a car. You don't? No. I hope you're right. You think he did, Rob? I think he's dead. Yeah. You do? I think Gandalf's gone too. I don't believe it. I love that there's hope. I want Gandalf to return. Oh, what a, he's dead.

No. What do you mean? Natalie, get on the mic. You can't comment in the chat. Get on the mic. He's probably dead, and he wouldn't have died if you hadn't told him to get a fake duck so he was scared away from the porch, his place of safety. Natalie. You know what? Hold on. Natalie. Natalie.

Natalie! Only, Mike, don't go on, Mike. Only in the chat. Also, your first contribution to the show is saying that we killed one of our loved ones. Here's what Natalie wrote in the chat. He's dead. And he wouldn't be if you hadn't scared him away. New line with the fake duck. Well, Natalie, welcome to the goddamn show.

Wow. But also, I'm not positive of that because here's all we know is the thing worked. But also, let's be honest. Gandalf was getting out of fucking control. Here we go. Now Jake's doing the – he needed to get him killed. No, I don't want Gandalf dead.

But let's be honest. That relationship started really nice. Then Gandalf started following him to his car. Then Gandalf started attacking friends. Do you think Matteo has any idea five minutes after he hung up, we're still talking about it? He's gonna when he hears it because all this is going to be included in the follow-up. We can't end early on this one. It's too much of a saga. But I really don't believe he's dead. I think there's hope. I think there's hope. All right, let's go around for a vote. Rob? I think he's dead. Natalie? Natalie?

He's dead. We know what Natalie's vote. Natalie didn't need to vote. Here's what I think, Jake. I think dead. But it's strange that 10 ducks are gone at once. There is a thing called migration. That could be a part of this. You're damn right. It is January. It's the holiday season. I think I'm going to go with we are going to find out in a call in probably six weeks that

That he's returned. There we go. It's exciting. I hope so. I do too.

The only person who hopes that he's dead is Natalie. With the language she's laying down, it's very obvious she wants... But I also think there's a chance right now Gandalf is showing that big old dick to somebody else and attacking somebody. I think he just moved out. He might be trying to make Matteo jealous. I mean, when you've got a penis that size. Yeah, but that was like an amazing video when all of a sudden, like, you know, because it did rise. It was escalating. Can we say real quick before we go, favorite part of the video? I have mine. When he showed the size of the duck penis.

We know that was your favorite part. That's the most, that's like saying my favorite part of the Oreo is the cream in the middle. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's the most delicious part. I'm going to give a more nuanced answer than, yeah, the dick was the best part. Of course. Okay, well, oh God, what's yours, Professor? Probably the building of the relationship, the sweetness of the first act. All right, this whole, this is over. Gareth's favorite part of the porno was the dick.

Who cares, man? You know what I love? It's the story that matters. When they had sex with each other and you saw it. I liked when they finished. I liked when they finished. I liked it. Yeah, I came in the middle. We're done with this call.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.