150: Pod Wars: The Lamorne Tapes (Re-release)
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My dog follows me around, then snores and makes so much noise. We got a whole house. Just go in any other room. She is a retired guide dog, and I truly believe she thinks I'm the blind person. She's like, where are you going, pal? Where are you going? I'm like, I'm the only one who needs good audio right now. She's like, let me just come in here and bang my head against the wood floor for a while. I'm probably going to nap right near that microphone. Truly. And I've been on Zooms where it sounds like...

And I want to be like, my little blue things lights up. I'm like, not ripping ass. There's a dog outside of camera. I'm not making that sound. Try to mute. Yeah.

In between every statement, trying to mute. It's humiliating. Real quick, there was someone who, there was a podcast that said that Dave farted on a dollop recording we did, and they were like playing it back. They're like, listen closely. Dave was like, I didn't fart. By the way, and let's just have already started, Rob. Let's just keep all this in. We'll just start weird on this Thursday. Perfect. We'll just transition everybody, and we're back. And we're back. It's a Thursday. It's a special one. We'll explain as we go. Rockin' money.

But one of the funniest things is clips of people trying on television who have farted and people on YouTube trying to expose them. There was a guy, it was a sports announcer. I feel like we've sent this to each other, Gareth. But it was like, they're all talking in a panel and,

And you can hear the fart. There's been like different people. I'm thinking it's like, I can't remember who it was, but there's like really clear ones. Oh, yeah. Tony Romo or somebody. There's a Romo fart. Absolutely. But there's also you're like, I don't think like. Yeah, but they do. I know they do. But you have to really rip it for like for Jim Nance to not be like, whoa. Yes. Yes.

Did you see the marathon runner? No. She shit her pants. Oh, well, that happens. I have seen that. And she says, don't feel my butt. I just shit myself. That happens with marathon runners. They're so determined to finish that they just... That I understand more. I did, when I was doing Tag, Hannibal Buress in the middle of a scene farted.

And, you know, we are not only mic'd up. For comedy? No. No. We were in a scene. I can't remember who else was in it. Middle of coverage, middle of a take, blue ass. Wow. And, you know, obviously I'm a 10-year-old when somebody farts. Yeah. So I died laughing. Yep.

He had the nerve to say to me, come on, man, stay in it. We're in the middle of a take. Wow. I was like, no. You know what? No way. You don't get to tickle and say keep it together. I was like, and also the nerve of being on camera. Be a grown-up. But also ripping ass then saying be a grown-up is a real power play. Yeah. Yeah, it is. That's my new move. It's hard to make you seem childish when someone else cuts ass. Yeah.

Be like, you're a child about this. Hey, could you please grow up? I farted. Good Lord. Finish your line. So we've got today. Well, this is an interesting one. These are, you know, Thursdays are our experimental days, Gareth and Rob. Yep. We're figuring them out. We're having a little bit of fun on Thursdays. We're back into season two. We're having fun. And we're starting to figure out what we can do. We released the Biff one on a Thursday. And this is our second one.

Well, this one has to be put out because, you know, we didn't really choose to even... Yeah, our hands were forced. Yeah, we didn't want to have to do this, to be quite honest with you. This is kind of the battle that chose us. You know, I mean, we're just kind of reacting.

You want to set up a little bit, Gareth, of what's going on to people who have not. So all this stuff, you can find it on social media, the clips of this for anybody who just listens, who wants to see, go to our Instagram. It's very important to see the video of this. Yeah, and also it's important to see the video of what they did. So the Morning After podcast, look, I think it's on their Instagram, but it's also on ours. If not, we'll post it. We'll just steal it from them and post it. Who cares? Well, it started out kind of just,

I mean, you basically explained that you did a live LeMourning after. Yeah. And our show got a better reaction. By the way, as a dear favor to LeMourning. Yeah, as a favor. I mean, out of your busy guy. He called Damon Wayans Jr. and I begging. He said, the show is a total bust. The theater is really mad. Nobody's showing up. Get some names attached. Damon, please come. And Damon was like, LeMourne, I don't want to go.

And so Dave and I are like, well, we haven't seen each other. We respect each other. Let's just go. So that was what it was going in. I would say for you, that probably makes this so hard because, you know, it turns from favor quickly to battle. Yeah, what I also don't understand about Lamorne is like, yeah, he's getting a lot of hype right now. The media is behind him. Well, we've all pitched in in the business to hire PR people for him. He needs this.

Yeah. I mean, I think... We're trying to let... He's like that kid you're doing a favor for and everyone's trying to pat his head and then he flexes on you and you're like, take it easy. It's like he had a sleepover that nobody wanted to come to. He begs you to come to it and then you wake up and he's put your fingers in warm water all night and it's like... And he wrote a dick on your forehead. Yeah, and he wrote a dick. I like, instead of drawing, I like writing a dick.

With a pencil. Yeah, with a pencil. So anyway, so he did that. You did that. We got a better reaction. Whatever. We're not egomaniacs. Whatever. No, but it wasn't even close. You threw it away. It doesn't matter. Long story short. It doesn't matter. It's petty shit. I simply, they said. We're in our late 30s. He said, LeMorne's doing the show. The crowd was full. Everyone's excited. They're all fans of Danny. They're excited. So then they, the LeMorne-ing after,

And I think it's safe now to say, you know,

Kyle's fully involved in this at this point. For a minute, I thought he was getting dragged along. Well, I actually think Kyle's a victim of this, but I can explain later. I think we're about to maybe see a little evidence. Well, I actually, I know that's the case. Okay, all right. So we now know Kyle's a victim. Of Lamorne. Of Lamorne, absolutely, which we'll get a little more into. But anyway, so then Lamorne and Kyle put out this clip that is of the moment you talked about, and it's just very clearly edited.

I mean, it's just, it's not even a good attempt. No. And it's obviously a deep fake. It's fake news. And they put that out there. They're trying to kind of poke the bear a little bit. We kind of let that go. But I'll tell you why we kind of let it go. We're trying to do a podcast here where we take in callers and we give some of the best advice America has to offer. Guys like, you know, Dr. Phil, the real one.

Real hitters are emailing us and thanking us for the work we're doing. Dr. what's the guy's name who does all the rehab? Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew emailed us. So what we're actually doing is trying to help people. What Lamorne does on his podcast with Kyle is I think tries to get people just to look at him in pajama outfits. Yeah.

It seems to be the rest of the show. So kind of different shows. But I think you're right because I think we're trying to kind of have, we are trying to stay above board because- We're here to help. Exactly. They're here to take. To hurt. And anyway, so it's important that people know that we are, you know, good, respectable guys. Anyway, they're trying to drag us down. So we kind of let it go. We've mentioned it, but we kind of let it go. Who cares?

But then they really start going after it. And they kind of, first of all, very disrespectful to me, pretending to not know my name. I don't think they know your name. I think they do. I don't think that was a bet, Gareth. I think everybody knows my name. Actually, Rob, let's cut this out for a second. Gareth, they don't know your name. No, they do. No, they know my name. They do. They do. Well, even in the, they put out a clip of Puff talking about you.

That was unthinkably disrespectful. And very clearly fake. So here's the other thing. And I know this as a fact because Lamorne has texted me off the record that you can do this stuff. And he laughed about it. There's some app called Voice Generator. And he's like, dude, it's hilarious. We can get anyone to say anything. So he does...

Puff Daddy as if I partied with him. Yeah. Rob sort of saw we were kind of getting kicked around. We were trying to rise above it. We were trying to ignore it too. And Rob sort of says, you know, optically, we're kind of getting dragged through the shit here. And we know on the inside Hollywood secret that you have some stuff.

Jake, that's from your personal life because you've hiked with Lamorne. We've heard about it. Right. We know there's some, you know, some stuff that probably shouldn't be out there. Well, let me say this. I hate to do this. I know. You do. This...

I love Lamar. Yes, I want to sue him and go on people's court with him. But he knows this. I love the guy. And it's breaking my heart that it's coming to this. He's in my inner circle. I love the fucking guy. You did his show. I mean, shit. But I just, he knows I have this footage.

And I don't want to release it. I don't like release footage of when I go to his house and I go in his bathroom and he's got a chair facing the toilet. That stuff embarrasses me. I saw that. It embarrasses me that he lives this way. That's just too much room. But it's important. Yeah. And so I would like to release this video. Yeah. And this was taken when he and I took a hike together and this was just...

I believe us talking. Isn't that right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good. That's that's what it is. Let's watch it. Come on. I just turned this on because you fake it around the camera. You're trying to take too many breaks. OK, come on. You're not filming, right?

I don't need those fans. They are trash fans. I'm moving up. It's not even that I don't appreciate them. It's worse. I want them to stop following me and listening to my show. The mediocre morning after with that Keith guy. See, New Girl was my caterpillar phase. I was a weird gross worm or whatever. Now I'm a butterfly. I don't need New Girl people from the cocoon days bothering me. I'm flying now. I have wings. Leave me to the skies.

Wow. It's so blatant. Very good job, Rob. What are you talking about? You mean I'm putting it, yeah. Oh, on the captions? Yeah. Good job with the captions. Yeah, the captions you did great. Everything else is, you're DPing that. Quick side thing, and then we will get back. But obviously this can stay in, but whenever we all get afraid, and this has nothing to do with the video we just saw. This is just a different thought I'm having.

When we all get scared of AI taking over the world, we got some time. They're like, they're going to take over everything. That's a non-sequitur joke. We all get scared. It's a total non-sequitur. It's got nothing to do with that video, but I do believe we got some time. Yeah, that's a non-sequitur. That's a different intro. Because what we saw there is damning.

And to be clear, when he's talking about fans, is he talking about the fans of New Girl? So, Lamorne, all right, Lamorne hates New Girl fans. He's said it a bunch. We all know it. It's the biggest kept, you know, secret in Hollywood. We all love the fans because without them, what are we doing? We're just walking around on a soundstage doing nothing, right? Yeah. It's Wayne's world. But,

But because of them, the show mattered. And you love the fans. I mean, you say that all the time. I do. I say it all the time. Everything I do, Max, Damon, Zoe, Hannah and I, we'll go out there and just do anything. Brian, we'll do anything for the fans. Lamorne is always passing. Yeah. Lamorne always uses hand sanitizer anytime he even sees a new girl fan. And I'm like, you didn't even touch. And he goes, they looked at me.

And I'm like, that's disgusting. It's painful to have to do this. Again, I love you more. I'm sorry about this. But then this other part that I really want to get into is about the abuse that he has done. Well, first of all, maybe we could show the clip that he sent me.

Yeah. Kyle. Also, did you see Kyle's video about trying to defend his mustache? No. Is this real? Yeah. Well, hold on. But we haven't talked about what happened there with the mustache. Maybe we do that last. So we sort of, you know, tee up. I think do set up the Kevin defending the mustache thing before we leak the audio. Okay. His name's Kyle. Kyle.

Kyle, whatever. But by the way, perfect. Leave that in too, Rob. Did you hear that, Kyle? That's not being edited out. That was real leaked audio. That was legit, Rob. We literally just said your name and Rob got it way wrong. I mean, the guy who found all this footage just called Kevin my man. Yeah, clearly knows. Well, Lamar called him Keith in that video, so it's very confusing. Did he? Did he call him Keith in all these videos, Rob? Yeah.

They called him Keith. Hey, Rob. That might be a problem.

Does he call him Keith? Yeah. On leaked audios? Yeah. No, no, just that one. But that, I think, shows Lamorne's inability to focus on who he's working with. It shows how self-centered he is. I mean, it shows why he has a chair in the shitter. Yeah, well, he has that because he's a creep. He's disgusting. He's a pervert. He's scary. He's a crap creep. So the next thing we'll watch is we'll watch...

It's interesting that... Well, Lamorne sent me this. I just want people to know the kind of deep fake stuff Lamorne's doing. He sent me out of the blue a footage of Joe, quote unquote, Joe Biden, right? Talking to me directly. This is just the kind of trash I get as a text. It's a Monday morning. Yeah, look, look, look. Yeah, I know. Look, look, look. We're here to help you. Come on, man. I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson let me sniff his ear while I fingered him.

Okay. It's just, that's like. Hold on. We got to play that one more time. That's rotten. So he's, so Lamorne's claiming this is what Joe Biden, the ex-president of the United States of America. Said during an interview. Yeah. Man, look, look, look, look. Yeah, I know. Look, look, look. We're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station.

Jake Johnson, let me sniff his ear while I figure this out. I just need people to know the kind of trash that Lamorne does. This is who the guy is. Favorite radio station. Now, look, we're laughing only because of how absurd it is to call our podcast the radio station. Yeah. By the way, I call it a radio show. You have. So...

Now, this other part of this that we're getting into is there's all this talk about Kyle's mustache. It's all over the internet. It's one of the biggest stories going around. We've known, the industry knows, that Kyle's mustache is holding back their show. Hollywood's a small town. Yeah, and his mustache looks goofy.

It doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right on his face. It's an embarrassment to the show. And has it hurt their numbers? Well, we know as a fact because they're at HeadGum, it really hurts their sales. So they have a really hard time selling ads. It's why they didn't get Kleenex. Kleenex doesn't want to work with someone who can get a snotty stash. It's a bad – it's not great. So LeMorn has been trying to be cool about Kyle keeping that stash.

and publicly acts like he doesn't care. But I guess, Rob, you found something. I did. I don't really want to share this, but... See, at HeadGum, the cameras are always rolling, and that's what people need to remember. Was it HeadGum? So this is leaked audio. It is.

Are you listening to me, Kyle? You want to know why no one listens to our stupid podcast? Want to know why? I'll tell you. They come for me. They come for me. I'm Lamorne Morris. I'm the king. I own these people. I hate my fans, but they love me. People respect me.

People fear me. I'm taller than Kevin Hart. They come for me, but why did they leave? Why do we get such bad numbers and can't even sell ads for rocket money? Because of your mustache. You look like a creep. You look like a weirdo. You shave it or you're done on my podcast. You understand me? You little weirdo. You're done. Shave or you're fired. And then the reveal is that Kyle has no mustache. Holy shit, so he shaves at the end.

So, Lamorne bullied Kyle, and Kyle literally shaved because of Lamorne? Yes. That's what it looks like. I mean, we don't want to get involved in this shit. I mean, it's very clearly Lamorne. Lamorne has one of those voices that's very distinct. And you can tell that that's his voice. I agree. That's very clearly his voice. It's a match. Yeah, here's what we're doing today, guys.

We're just saying we understand what's been happening. We don't want to be involved in this kind of, we feel like this trash is beneath us. Yeah. But what we're going to do today is to honor Lamorne. Yeah, as a sort of olive branch. Look, we're at a point like we could keep kicking down, but let's start pulling up, right? That's exactly right. So what we're going to do is we're going to re-release two of his calls, which, you know, they're honestly two of my favorite calls.

Yeah, because they're unhinged. Because they're unhinged, because they're funny. The first one is going to be the – one of our – it was episode four. It was when Lamorne – when the woman was house-sitting a cat. She edged. But you know what? Let's just let anybody who hasn't heard, people who are new to the pod –

for the first time. Sure. Because I have heard some people who are coming in and, you know, even Morgan, they're going back and learning the catalog, but they haven't listened to anything. So we're going to start highlighting some every once in a while. Yep. And this is highlighting that as well as the wedding speech. Which is a classic. Both classics. I mean, we love...

And loved having Lamorne on the show. That's what makes this so hard. Before we throw to that, Jake, should we see Kyle's sort of attempt at a cover-up that Rob was referring to? Oh, right, yes. Just to kind of put a final point on this. And then we'll go to the Lamorne calls and...

Again, we encourage everyone to go listen to the LeMourning after. Go get it. I mean, LeMourne said those things, and he said them, but that doesn't mean... Oh, he looks so much worse without a mustache. Yeah, LeMourne made a bad call. So this is from Kyle here on Mustache Gate, as it's being said. So just to set the record straight here, I had shaved...

Prior to any videos being released by the We Are Here To Help podcast, everyone knows I have the most majestic mustache in the game. Those guys even said so in their video. I've received countless DMs that guys and girls saying that my mustache does things to them. This is sad.

In no way, shape, or form did I say that after the release of their videos. This was done prior. So just a weird coincidence.

Okay. Hold on. I'm not making a joke here. He seemed scared. He seems like someone is off camera making him do this. You know what that is? That's Lamorne's trailer. Is that right? Look at the back. That is a trailer from being on set. Yeah. Lamorne is currently shooting something. I guarantee you he is in Lamorne's trailer. It's like that's a hostage video. He's brought there for a forced confession. So first of all, Kyle...

We love you. We're here for you. Yeah. Reach out. Call us. I mean, this is what we do. Call us with this problem and let's help you. If you want to call in. Please call in. Please call in the show. We can get you away from the war and use a fake name. Yeah. Yeah. Because this. Keith. Keith works. Keith works. Perfect. The problem is, what are you going to change a little more into?

Malorn. Keith and Malorn? Yeah. Pretty good. No one will know. No. And then it's the Malorning after. We worry about you, bud. I'm sorry you got bullied into shaving that mustache. Nobody believes your fake hostage video. We love you. We're here for you. We're here to help.

Yeah, and Rob, thanks for finding those videos. Yeah, thank you, and also, you know, that's tough. I'm sure that was tough to watch. Yeah, it was. And maybe to take us out before we go to the episodes, and then we're just going to have these two. We hope you enjoy them. Could you possibly play the Joe Biden one more time? Yeah, I think it's worth hearing again. Man, look, look, look, look. Yeah, I know. Look, look, look, we're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks.

And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson, let me sniff his ear while I finger him. Everybody, enjoy the show. I don't know why he's not about the blacks. Enjoy it without further ado.

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Hi, can you hear me? Yeah, we got you perfectly. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me on. It's an honor and a privilege. Well, it's an honor to have you. Can we get your name, please? Can I give a fake name? You can give whatever you want. Okay, my name is Emma. Emma, you're on with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and our special guest, a dear friend, Chicago native, Lamorne Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamorne. Thank you for having me. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you. Hi, Lamorne. Hey, Emma. Emma, real quick, what's your real name? That's a great question. I would love to tell you, but I'm not going to. Good. I'm with you, Emma. Don't be bullied by Lamorne. It's going to be hard, but I'll try. Emma, we brought Lamorne on today because we got your email. We think he's an expert on this subject. So, Emma, please go ahead. And would you tell us a little bit about why you're calling in today?

Well, I'm calling because I had this super embarrassing story happen to me, and it was so humiliating that I couldn't tell anybody at all. And when I saw you post on Instagram about sharing embarrassing stories, I was like, okay, perfect opportunity to admit a story that I would never have shared otherwise. So that's what I'm calling about. It's a good start. It's a good start. We love this. Yeah.

So just a few months ago, I had some friends from college who asked me to pet sit for them for a week. And this was like the most exciting thing ever because I live with roommates and there's no alone time and I'm an introvert. And so it's just always busy. And so I jumped at this opportunity to just

be alone for a whole week. And so when I get there, I am so excited. I get to just be a human for an entire week. And of course, that consists of just

near constant masturbation because there is absolutely no place to do that in private in like the way that I would normally want to. So as this week goes on, I am just so excited because I can even do it in the living room, like in public. It's just the most exhilarating thing. The whole week long, I am just having the time of my life.

And then the week comes to a close about an hour before I'm supposed to leave. I've just finished my final session and I look up and realize that staring directly at me is a pet camera. Oh my God. And

I immediately go into the biggest panic attack of my entire life and totally blacked out and threw the camera out the window because, you know, what else are you going to do in that moment? You know, you can't throw yourself out the window. It's all recorded, so.

I'm understanding the fake name a little bit now, I think. I kind of understand the fake name part. So, Lamar, really quickly, you know now for sure why we brought you on for this one, correct? I don't know anybody who masturbates at a level that my man Lamar Morris does. I go to work. Oh, man, is her the same way? Yeah, but...

When I do it, I always make sure I look out for that little red dot in the sky. You know what I mean? You've been talking about that red dot since the 80s, Lamar. I know. How can you tell, though, if it's like wireless? There's no red dot. Listen, if you didn't see a red dot, I got news for you. They may not have been recording. I'm praying. First of all, the question is basically, and I'm asking, not telling...

You spent a week house-sitting some pets. You masturbated all week. You're afraid that they saw, correct? Correct, and I have not spoken to them since. I am too humiliated, and I have no idea how to approach this. Are they close friends of yours? They are, but they are out of state, so I don't actually have to see them that often. How long ago was this? No.

Just a few months ago. Okay. Just. I got news for you. They saw it. I mean, I think for sure. Oh, man. And I also think everybody in your extended group of friends has heard about it. I like that you just see this as a real masturbation holiday. That's very relatable. Anyone who I've ever pet sat for stayed in their house. Absolutely. Like when I had roommates, it was like when I lived with my girlfriend at the time and she would leave town. It was just...

I really understand the let's let it rip attitude and I fully support it. So I don't want you to think that we're like, you know, what you did is look, I've been there. I think that's great. I support it. Unfortunately, yeah, technology has caught up with us.

house-sitting masturbators. All right, look, this is shameful and embarrassing, but I also, if I'm alone in a hotel room, first thing, you got to let it rip. The way they call the body lotion, it's like body lotion hotel? Really? This is masturbation sauce. Can I interrupt for a second? Because Lamar is making faces as if he doesn't let it rip. He's shaming us. That's a lie. Come on. No, no, no. It's not that I... Listen, as a single man...

You know, these hands don't get much use because I can tell you others do. You get what I'm trying to say? Nobody gets what you're saying. We're talking about masturbating, buddy. What I'm saying, yeah, what I'm trying to say is I get, you know what I'm saying? No, Gareth and I have all admitted that, you know, we let it rip and you said something about these hands get used. Are you talking about on yourself?

No, no, they don't get used. They're unused. I date around sometimes. And I got to say, if I'm home alone, I like to take that opportunity to maybe spend an evening alone with a lovely young lady that I am dating. Okay, how about if there's no lady there? Then I'm jerking it.

Okay. There we go. That's what we need you. I jerk it from the back. I jerk it from the side. I like to get a mirror. You know what I'm saying? I like to put that mirror on the floor. I like to get creative. Slow down. You've overcorrected. You've overcorrected. I like to take all the security cameras in the house and put them in a circle. You know what I'm saying?

Just so I can really make sure. The idea of you setting up with mirrors is incredible.

It's like the end to enter the dragon, but with masturbating. You're laughing. I'm out here taking notes though. So thank you for that. So here's where we're at. So you let that, you let that week go. It's a tough situation. It is very embarrassing. When you said the way that I want, what does that actually mean? Like when you said, what do you mean? You said you had the living room to yourself. I want to know how embarrassing this gets before we start figuring out if there's a move.

I mean, are you just like quietly masturbating under a blanket on a couch or how are you Lamorne Morris in it? Do you have mirrors set up? Are you getting weird? Where are we at here? That's right. Oh man, we're talking like exhibitionist, full volume, problematic types of videos, just everything that you could possibly.

Can you give us a feel of what's problematic? Yeah. What's your search history looking like? Oh, just, you know, power dynamic kind of thing. Emma, I'm with you on power dynamic. So the question comes when you, when you finished this week, right. And you, so you, I'm going to just try to put myself in your situation here, your house sitting, you're fired up. What a great week. You masturbate like crazy. You had yourself, you know, like a little staycation, if you will.

then you see the camera and you know if this is serious which is what we're taking it as that's a fucking living nightmare if I had friends who saw me masturbate for a week I would be so deeply embarrassed and I would have you guys play this as real play this as real because that is it really is the worst that's a deep shame I am telling you I have never been closer to jumping out of a window I understand I really like the panic just like you have to just not be here anymore

This is the worst thing that could have happened. So when it ended and they come back and get the keys, there's no turnover. You didn't have to see them. Nope. Nope. I left it under a trash can and that was it. I just never spoke to them again and haven't heard anything either. So do you have a mutual friend who you trust, like a buddy? Because I think what we need to get to here in terms of your extended group and just a life of living with a certain level of embarrassment and shame is

I think we got to know if they saw it because there is a reality of they have a pet cam, but they don't watch it. Right. Like I had, but a buddy of mine had, uh, is a house sitter and he was house sitting for another friend. And you could see in the video what that person's doing. And my friend said like, you know, you know, because a light would go on in movement, right?

Okay. So we got to just figure out, like some people have these like a ring camera and they're not even set up anymore. So do you have a trusted third friend, Lamorne Morris, if you will, that you could go to, to kind of, you know, bridge the situation? Do you have anybody near them that you trust? Possibly, but would I have to tell them the story? What you could do in this situation is you could ask them to,

If they ever said anything about the house sitting, you could say like you really enjoyed it. Blah, blah, blah. Go ahead, Lamar. Or you could say you lost something. You could say, is there any way you could check the cameras? I can't seem to find my credit card. You can't do that because if they didn't watch the videos. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, I got news for you. These cameras, they record sometimes 60 days. That's it. Ooh.

Ooh. Yeah, sometimes less. Sometimes less. Sometimes less. They can't have forever storage. It would be interesting if you were like, I left my rings and they were like, did you check your vagina? Because we checked the tape. And, uh...

It feels like that's where most of your fingers were. It would also be a nightmare if you said, hey, will you check the tapes? And they go, we haven't watched them. And then they sit and watch and go, she asked us to watch her masturbate for seven days. So we don't know where your wallet is, but we know where it isn't. Yeah, that feels like its own exhibitionist kind of a thing. I don't know if I can do that.

Gareth, what you got? Well, I think that, first of all, do you know what kind of camera it was? Have you done any research into kind of the tech? Like, okay, so what kind of camera was it? And what do you know as far as the time that it holds onto a recording and how you know if it's recording?

Okay, it's been months ago. So let me tell you, I did block out a lot of this for trauma reasons. But sure, I do remember, I googled the type of camera that it was, and I was excited that it was not plugged in. But then I found out it was a wireless camera and had a second panic. Emma, do you remember the name of the brand?

Oh, I think it was called Pet Cam, but it was something very similar to that name, like a play on words. Okay, okay. Hey, listen to me. It looks like a little Apple charger. You're good. So, Lamorne, you're kind of going with... It wasn't plugged in. You're kind of going with, but plugged in doesn't necessarily matter.

No. Unless it had a battery. If it wasn't plugged into a wall, there's no power source. Yeah. That's true. Well, it means at some point it probably stopped recording, if it was. But I'm just curious. Yeah, it could very easily be on battery when they left. I'm going to kind of go towards the advice mode here for this call. And Emma, as we've said before, the advice is not necessarily good, but we're trying to be on your side. We're trying to help figure it out. And, you know, the truth is...

Getting caught potentially masturbating for a week straight is a humiliating life experience, but they have not brought it up. So I personally, if I were you, I wouldn't do the third party thing I was saying.

I would bury this in the deep graveyard of secrets and move forward. I would never bring it up. I would just keep this as one of those life shameful moments. And hopefully one day in years you're drinking with them or you're at an event and you can hint at it. And hopefully either you get the truth or just bury this one and move on. You know, that was, that was going to be my plan until your podcast. Lamor and Gareth, you guys got any thoughts on what you would do if you were Emma? Yeah.

you know i would look them square in the eye and i would use keywords to see if they flinch uh give me an example pretend them then you're at a wedding yeah you house that for me you're lamorne i'm jake you masturbated for a week straight you saw there's a camera we see each other in four months out of a wedding of a friend what's up back in my mind knowing that i shot all over your sheets okay cool so um

jay johnson what's going on man not much my man how about you bud man me and my girl we got we got into it yesterday you know it's crazy it was a very uh interesting power dynamic that we had okay that's cool man cool did you did you get any of that shrimp cocktail that was good i had like two cups of it oh man you know one thing that i do love is shrimp cocktail when it's when i'm eating it are you okay

I'm good, man. I'm good. Say, Jake, real quick question. But while I got you here, because it's rare that we see each other. Has there ever, do you ever get a chance to be alone? You know what I'm saying? When the old baller. I'm going to take off, Lamar. And you're acting really weird. And I don't appreciate this vibe at a wedding of a close friend of ours. My man. That's awesome. Also, I watched you jerk off in my house, man. And I don't find that appropriate. No. No.

That was a great demonstration. I so appreciate the role play. Thank you, guys. Garfield, you got anything here? Well, first of all, what a great power dynamic. I'm a little turned up, so I get it. You and me both. Here's what I'll say. I think Jake's advice is right. I think, Lamorne, if you want to know, then something like that is the way to go. But I think Jake's right.

In order to know, you got to inform them more. And I just think that's probably right. And I'm just going to tell you my gut, my gut is,

is that they didn't see it. I don't think they saw it. The only thing that bothers me is that you haven't spoken to them in so long. So it might be worth floating out a text for some reason just to not even find out, just to kind of like be clear, we're moving forward. Maybe you saw me...

diddling for a week. This is good, yeah. Maybe it didn't. But either way, I have now realized that we are moving past. We live in a different world. We live in a post-me-doing-this world. And let's just move forward. Hey, Gary, could that text be about the pets? I don't... I think if it was like a week ago... I think if it was a week ago, yes.

But I think that it's been months. I feel like it should be something else. Otherwise, I feel like you're kind of still living in it a little bit. Lamar, you're pointing a finger. Lamar, go ahead. Yeah. But I also I also want I want you to be really, really careful here because we are walking a very, very dangerous line. OK, we don't want to we don't want to kink shame anybody.

because everybody does it. Everybody does it. It's almost like you went to take a shit and realized you left the door open and there was a camera pointing. It's just natural. What you're doing is natural. Yeah, great analogy. It's natural. Also, when you're talking like this, why has your voice changed? Because honestly, I'm a scientist and a professor of love, logic, and also labias. So I'm here. But here's what's different. No, we all masturbate. We don't all masturbate in other people's homes while their pets are watching us. I do.

I have just admitted to it, Jake. No, I'm talking hotels. I've house sat and whacked it in there with the cat sitting next to me. What are you going to do? Yeah, gross. So I've got a question, Emma, in terms of the email reach out, did you bond with any of their pets? Oh, absolutely. What what kind of pets do they have?

I know it's going to be ironic, but a cat. Okay. So you, you connected with the cab a little bit. Oh, very much so. Yeah. I would personally go a little bit different than Gareth and something. And I would write something like, you know, Hey guys, just thinking at what's the cat's name.

I'm hoping you're changing the cat's name too. I don't, I don't, we don't want to be able to trace it down. Gertrude. It's Gertrude. That's the real name. Okay. So could you possibly write something of, and is this weird to say something like, Hey,

I hope you guys are good. Had a funny memory of what a great cat. And if they do not write back, that means you are an enormous character in their discussion of the girl who masturbated in front of nonstop and you're

A huge character. If they write back like, aw, AWW, you're the best, then they didn't watch it, is my guess. Okay. Guys, what do you guys, what do people think? Well, here's why I wouldn't. This is a tough, this is a hard one. Let's say, let's say you hit their car in the driveway and you're wondering for a while, do they know I hit their car? I don't think being like,

Um, how's the car driving? I think get away from this area of thinking as much as possible because let's say they did. Let's say they did. Then you're going like, hey, let's circle back on what I, you know, played with myself all week in your house. I think you go with something more like, I don't know. I don't know the specifics of the relationship, but something if you can think of some other reason to reach out.

It's just saying, hey, we no longer, we don't do this anymore.

And the way you can find out maybe is if they ever ask you to do it again. If they ever ask you to do it again, you're in the clear. Or they're perverts. Yeah, or they're perverts. They like that power dynamic. Because they might say, hey, we're going to take our cat with us this time. We're going to set up some more pet cams. Do you mind house-sitting for just the night? Can we watch you house-sit tonight? So, Emma, I got a question for you. Yeah.

Uh, what do you kind of want to do here? Cause you know, what we've kind of found is people who call in have their instinct and how they want to handle it. What's your gut telling you to do?

My gut was telling me to do the same thing that you suggested, Jake. I was just going to bury this and pretend like it never happened, like really push it back in my memory. I did tell one of my friends and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you a story and then we're never going to talk about it again. So that was sort of how I preface the story to anybody. So honestly, I was going to do that. That's sort of what I'm feeling is right. But I do like the idea to send a text, maybe unrelated. Now, I've got a question. Is this out of character for you and your friend group?

Yeah, I think so. Like, I'll be honest, if Lamorne stayed at my house and he masturbated every day, truthfully, all bits aside, that would be out of character and it would warrant a talk. Now, if he masturbated in the shower or, you know, outside of public, but if I can't... Not my location. But if I looked at a video, I was like watching my dogs in the living room and he's watching porn with his pants, I would go, hey, Lamorne, what's up, my man? But there are other friends...

maybe Gareth is one of them that I would be less surprised by. Thank you. I live in rarefied air. If the Garf man was standing on my dining room table with no bottoms on, I would go like, hey, man, just don't break anything, my friend. Stop wobbling so much. Yeah.

Stop dancing while you do it. Just finish. Why do you lose your balance when you end? Why do you giggle so much? What's so funny about that? It's been going on for a long time. In your group of friends, if the story circulated that this happened, would everybody kind of laugh or would it be shocking?

Shocking. I am the professional put together one out of the group. I'm the one that the answer is. I'm the one that is probably looked at as like a mom figure. So this is very out of character. What do you do for a living? I would love to tell you that because you are going to love that, but I'm not going to tell you on air. Can you give us a without any specifics? Tell us or you're afraid of.

It's definitely in the same vein of this conversation. I think you got two paths forward. I think it's an either bury it, but I got to say as we're talking and getting to know you a little bit, I don't think burying it's the move. I think that you got to sniff around and see if there's a bomb in these woods a little bit. I think you got to do the random text and just start a dialogue and

And see if there's any smoke. The way LeBron and I did that terrible example of the wedding, I think there's something to that. Okay. What do you guys think? Yeah. Either way, opening it up, kind of clearing the air in whatever way, or even if you don't have to, clearing the air. And just starting to see the vibe. I bet...

I bet you'll be able to tell a little bit of what's going on. You never know with women. They're good at hiding things. No, for sure. I think you come out of the closet with this one. I think you let everybody know you're a freak. Let everybody know you like to get busy. But Lamorne, how would she do that? If you were her, how would you do this? Like to your group of friends, how do you come out that way? Accidentally send a video of yourself when you were in the office alone.

and say late night sesh with myself you know what i'm saying and then be like oh my bad you guys does this does this confuse you you know we got to be more open man i gotta say hold out we've done a lot of these so far uh that's probably the worst advice we've ever heard my man

No, no, no, it's not. It's not. You know, it's like when... Hey, hey, hey, late night sesh. You know what I'm saying? Because what's going to happen is... This one got away from me, everybody. What's going to happen is they're now going to expect this from you, and your secret of loving to masturbate in front of people's cats in their homes, on their furniture, in the refrigerator. Mute this man, Kevin. Mute this man. Gareth, in closing, you got anything?

In closing, look, there's some options. I'm curious exactly what path you'll take. I mean, you basically said it, but I just want to, again, be clear. I have house sat. I have masturbated on the couch where they hang out. I've done it with the animals adjacent.

So as far as you ever going, you should not feel bad about what you did. When I have people come to my house and take care of my cat, I know they're definitely doing strange stuff in the places where I hang out. You know what I just realized? I think I might want to start a business, and it's called...

We house it, and we don't masturbate in your house. Apparently, it happens a lot. I'm going to start one called Master Sitters. But if you have pets and you need someone to house it, I don't want people masturbating on my couch. I don't want people using it as a... You're not going to...

You're going to have two people and they're not going to be good. No, I'm doing one that's called Petsturbators. And actually, we lean in. And we promise, our guarantee is that we are going to be playing with ourselves around your animals. Just like you would. Just like anybody would. That's gross. Gross. So, I'll see you on Shark Tank, Emma.

I would love to see that idea. I got to tell you, Barbara from Shark Tank would go, now that's a good idea. I am a real estate mogul and I always masturbate. Mr. Wonderful, I'd love for you. I'd love for you and Barbara to partner up. That was kind of my dream pairing. Mark Cuban, I always masturbate. I masturbate in Dallas. In the locker rooms.

We actually have a jack check in the Mavericks locker room. So, Emma, I would say what I want to push you towards, but I keep going back and forth. My feeling is maybe there's a random email, but I also feel like you're asking for trouble. You masturbated in her house for a week straight. You had a lot of fun. Nothing has come of it. You have not harassed.

heard she did well god bless you you have not heard from your that group of friends there's not chatter there's no smoke i think you got to you know swallow this grenade just kind of move forward all right i think that's pretty pretty solid advice because if they do know the connection

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lamar and Gareth, you got anything else in closing? No, I think that's right. I think, I think, I think reach out, let's clear the air. But I'm curious what's going on with the more. In closing, you got any final advice? Don't be ashamed who you are. You know, you're a freak.

You know, I, I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed. I got a lot of straight to camera roll videos out there. What does that mean? Do you want to plug any of those? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look out for my hidden folder in my iPhone. Shout out. Shout out to the dog picks folder on my phone. So at the end here, we always like to ask, uh,

What do you think that you're going to actually do? I think that I am going to bury this in my trauma memories and pretend it never happened and send a text to reach out just to see if they're going to pretend everything's okay too. That makes a lot of sense. All right.

Well, I want to say thank you for calling in. I also want to say thank you to the always charming, the always handsome, the freak in the sheets and the freak on the streets, Mr. Lamorne Morris. Damn. Goddamn. Hold on. Give me a second. Make sure these cameras are on. Bye, everybody. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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Hi there. How are you? Welcome to the podcast. We are going to help you, whether you like it or not. And can we just start by getting your name, real or fake, your age, roughly, and where you're calling from specifically. So I'm Nicole. I'm 29, and I'm from San Diego, but my husband and I are actually on our way to moving to Boise today. So we're at the moment right now. I lived there for a... I had a weird year in Boise.

Uh, that's another podcast. Um, okay. Great. Nicole. Weird year in a Boise from Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. Are you? Cause I feel like it's not going to do great. I'm excited about weird year in Boise. As you know, it was pretty weird. All right, Nicole. So what, uh, what can we help you with today?

Yeah, so this weekend on Saturday, my little sister is getting married. And my older sister and I are the maid of honors. And we've been the maid of honors for all of our, you know, weddings, like both of us, you know, both sisters and everything. And we're kind of getting...

a little stumped on what we should do for speech because our speeches for each other have been pretty creative but we don't want to do the same thing like for my older sister's wedding my little sister and i did like a song parody and then for my wedding what uh can we just ask what what parody song you did oh yeah it was a part of your world from the little mermaid

Nicole, can we hear a little bit about it? Just a taste. Oh, gosh. We want to see all the people right now. We want to see them on the dance floor. I can't remember the words. Oh, my gosh. All right. That was something. We got a taste of it. We got a sense of it. I'll be honest. I think it's a pretty low bar if I'm being totally fair with you. So I think we can beat this. Okay.

So then for my wedding, you know, they started to play music. They asked the DJ to play music. So I thought they were going to do a song parody. And then they had a record scratch kind of, and they're like, no, we're not going to be doing that because Nicole's the creative one. So I do feel like there is a little bit of pressure. What did they do after the record scratch instead? Oh,

Oh, they just did like a regular, you know, just a speech and, you know, saying how like, you know, interesting stuff about me and stuff. I'm not going to lie. They were probably great at the event for Jake and I. I mean, we feel pretty good about being able to beat this.

I kind of agree, Garth. I kind of agree. So just to kind of get where we're at, your sisters did, you guys did a song parody of Little Mermaid. It worked pretty well. Your other sisters for you did a record scratch and then just a traditional speech. Is that correct? Yeah.

Yeah. And so right now we kind of have an idea, like kind of doing like a bit. So like we want to, I don't know if you've watched The Office or anything, but there's this one scene at Phyllis's wedding where Michael Scott would intro like four different wedding speeches. And.

And so we were thinking of like kind of bickering, being like, oh, no, this should be the intro of the speech or this should be the intro. Like and then just being like, you know, we're actually just really bad at speeches. So let's bring out like here's a video of someone helping us out. And kind of like the tag piece of it would be trying to find like a celebrity that they like.

So I know that they have Cameo where you can pay an actor to, you know, make a little video. Unfortunately, though, when we're trying to get information from her and her fiancee,

the characters that they really liked weren't on Cameo. So now we're kind of stumped and we just, we don't know if that like would be like a good bit. Like I was trying to intro stuff like that and then like bringing in someone else to kind of close the speech. But I'm just, I'm,

We're not sure if that's going to land. I like that. I think there's something to that. Who are the characters they like? That's a good question. So they're big fans of New Girl and Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Office. It's so interesting because we have two people who New Girl, Brian and Nick are...

I'm the G-damn call right now. Go ahead, Nick. So the idea that you were thinking, Nicole, was that maybe you would...

set up something where you're trying to do the speech it's not working you're introducing others hopefully you're getting mom and dad and some uncles and aunts to laugh at this bit and then at a certain point you want to go you know what here's the real speech and you would play a video that you would have a cameo of somebody from new girl or brooklyn 99 or the office kind of come on and say what to your sister um just like a congratulations and then like a

piece of like marital advice and it could be yeah so just anything that they would think is you know and then what's funny but also nicole what's your sister's name and the husband her name is natalie natalie and then my uh well my future brother-in-law is his name is jeremy jeremy uh you know what i think we're gonna do nicole

You think we can do this? Yes. We're going to, what do you say we do the video right now for Natalie and Jeremy, and maybe you'll be a part of it too, but we have a real surprise guest that our producer put together on this one.

We would like to add another person to the call. The great Mr. Lamorne Morris. Oh, my God. There we go. Oh, man. You can't see this, but Lamorne is laying on his side in some sort of a cap. What y'all niggas talking about? Oh, my God.

So Lamorne, here's where we're at. We're about to make a wedding speech. Good morning, Jake. First and foremost, I just want to say good morning, everybody. Yeah, good morning. Good morning, man. How y'all sleep? How y'all sleep? Good. Good. Been up for a while, but good. What time is it? It's definitely like wake up time. Close to. Oh, man. Just a true idiot. Where did you get that for your head? Give me my OVO durag drake. Yeah.

Drake gave me this. Oh, incredible. Are you talking about this Brown Lightning shirt? Yeah. That's available now? Oh. Wow.

I was talking about these. We're here to help hats that are available now. Okay. Okay. My bad. Who on the phone? Nicole, will you introduce yourself and say a little something to Lamar Morris? So I'm Nicole and this is awesome. Oh my gosh. I can't believe that you're here because what's really funny is that my brother, my future brother-in-law is also a cop.

So very nice. Very nice. Okay. That's something we could kind of chime in. And what does, uh, what does Natalie do for work?

The thing is, so she's like super smart and everything. And I don't really know what her job title is. I think she's like an environmental, like biologist. Like she goes out in the field and tell people which plants and stuff are endangered, but also she takes pictures of islands and dots, birds. Tell me this. What are, what are a few things you like about Natalie and Jeremy? What does the family like about this pairing? Yeah.

Well, we really like, I mean, I don't know. They seem very well, like linked together. Like they make sense. They both are serious, but also kind of match each other's silliness level in a way. And well, so their wedding is also going to be in a church. So they both like met where they met was at like FCA meeting. What did they meet at? The Christian.

Christian fellow Christian athletes meeting in college. So did you just give us an acronym and think that these three individuals would know what that meant? But then also she didn't know it. Yeah. That she's like, you know, it's like a draft. Okay. So they're both athletes. They, uh, like that they're kind of serious and they're a little bit silly. He's a cop. Yes.

Like a detective or he wear a uniform? Does he get to like do the gang unit? Because I'll take this durag off right now. He wears a uniform. I know he has a police dog that he just got. A police dog? What's that? Yes, Axel. Axel, of course. All cop dogs are named Axel since the 80s. Well, what's funny is his favorite movie is Rush Hour. And I guess he tried to rename the dog Carter.

And they're like, you can't do that. You need a shower with Jackie Chan? Yes. Hey, Kevin, bring him on. You're not going to believe this. Jackie Chan, come on on. He's in the bathtub. Yeah, his reception shit. He's in the bathtub. He just texted us. We're going to go with just us. Sorry. Okay, so...

I will say this now to Lamorne and Gareth. Do we feel like we need more or are we ready? Because we're going to send them this video and hopefully they're going to play it at their wedding. And I will say it's a big deal, guys. It's their wedding. It's the closer to. So this is like you're going to have given your speech and then you're going to bring us in for the closer, basically. Right, Nicole?

One hundred percent. OK, so do we need more info? What she said before you got on Lamorne was, you know, just congratulate them. Then a little bit of advice we could go around and give about marriage. Is there anything we need besides them or shall we?

Give me a key. Give me a key. I might break into song. I don't know if I'm going to, but if I get a key from her, that symbolizes your family. It's as weird of a question as you could have asked. It's a great question. A above middle C. I mean, how you want to do it? Nicole, do you have a range for the morning? Ah!

I don't. Okay. What I like about that question is they've done music, but this is a nice meeting of... Little Mermaid. You got to sing, Lamorne, a little bit of that song parody so he knows the Little Mermaid. I know. I know.

Okay, so I do remember a little bit of it. So what we were singing, part of it, we want to be on the dance floor right now. We want to see everyone dancing, dancing along to that. What's that song again? Oh, yeah, Electric Slide. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Listen, again, I like our chance. This is a good closer. So you feel you guys feel good. Should we just how do you Jake just rehearsal? Do you want to? I think we got to just shoot live. We're doing it live. All right. Don't you think O'Reilly it? Let's O'Reilly it. Don't you think? Yeah, let's go. OK, so then on this video to start, Nicole, how are you going to intro it?

So literally, so after we're done, like my older sister and I are done bickering, we're going to be like, you know what? We're just really bad at speeches. So we brought in some people to help us with this speech. Okay. And Nicole, just so I know what I'm working with, people probably aren't going to freak out when they see me, right? It's probably just so...

Security guard, Brian. All right. That's all I need to Jake. Let's go. Let's go. Hey, Gareth, don't forget who you are. My King. Right. I directed you. I know what you're capable of. Talk about a pep talk. I will say Lamorne you're getting, and I've known you for a lot of years right now. You're getting dangerously close to your Denzel impression. What do you, I have no idea what you're talking about.

It started early with your okay, okay, and it might be the do-rag. It might be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is chess, not checkers. You understand what I'm telling you? Once I saw that on your head, I was like, I know how this is going to start. We're going to say, Natalie and Jeremy, congrats, and I'm going to hear, okay, okay, okay.

All right. So we got a, we got us. We're going to see what we can do. Natalie and Jeremy. Natalie and Jeremy from your sister, Nicole. And what's the other sister's name? Nancy. Nancy.

Don't think we didn't pick up on what's going on here with these names, okay? They're all girl names. They're all names of ladies. Thank you very much. What's really sad, Gareth, is when you said, don't say we haven't picked this up. I had to look at my notes because I had not picked it up.

It was a crossword puzzle that got on top of me. I was like, Nicole, Nancy, beautiful mind, beautiful Natalie. Yeah, right. We're at your mind palace. And what is it? And I was like, all girls' names. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yes. Victory. All right, let's do this. Three, two, one. Congratulations. Way to go. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

We are fired up for Natalie and Jeremy. How about a round of applause from everybody here? Everybody here. Natalie, who digs in the soil and takes pictures of islands, and Jeremy, the cop, who's got a dog named Axel. You took all the info, you little snake. We just want to say that your sister, Nicole...

asked us to come on and say a little something because for her wedding, when you guys did the record scratch and then just talk, she just didn't think it was enough. Am I right or wrong, Lamar? Absolutely right. You know, she tried some things. She wanted some things to run past us. One of her ideas was she was going to run in and say, what up my N words? Like Natalie, Nicole, Nancy. But she was like, guys, is that a good idea? I asked my do-rag and it said, nah, it's not.

So I want to apologize to Natalie and Jeremy and the entire family. We want to say congratulations. Yes. Three stars of New Girl. We know you're a fan of our show. There's three? That's right. And all three of us here probably starstruck.

Everybody's a little starstruck. And then last, we want to go around and we want to each offer one piece of advice to the newlyweds, the...

the couple that everybody in the family is excited about Jeremy this side of the family likes you a lot Nicole made that very clear so Garth man you want to start how about some marital advice to the new couple on day one of their married life listen I'm in my 40s and I have a cat that's the level of commitment I have so I can't offer up much but in my relationships I

I've noticed that saying you're sorry when you don't mean it seems to go a long way. So don't be afraid to just toss out a sorry every now and then. Just seems to work. Again, litter is my main issue. Mr. Lamorne Morris, anything? Now, I've been married, I want to say, 10 times. All successful marriages. And the one thing that I learned that you got to do to keep that thing spicy in the bedroom is don't brush your teeth.

So if you don't brush your teeth, you know what a real love is. If they're willing to go mouth to mouth with you with them dirty ass teeth, then you know you got yourself a winner. And you'll stay together forever. And last, I would like to say the old saying is don't go to bed angry. I think that's incorrect. I think it is okay to go to bed angry sometimes. Don't take it out on each other. So if you need to, Jeremy, sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.

But it's all right. Go to bed early. Start over fresh in the morning when the tequila has gone down and you've sobered up. You don't have to resolve everything right away. Or sleep at a hotel. Or sleep in a hotel. And before we go, we've got a special guest. If everybody could close their eyes for a moment. Mr. Denzel Washington, do you mind taking us out with a couple of lines before we let these people enjoy their lives together?

Ha, ha, ha. Natalie and Jeremy. It's important that you listen to these following words, okay? You must, and I repeat, you must stay together. No matter the weather. No matter the color of the sweater. Because sometimes you might not like what he's putting on, okay? He goes outside and he embarrasses you. But you too.

You too can be an embarrassment. So stay in embarrassment with each other. Huh? No matter the summer. Even if the temperature is above 101. Ha ha! You must find the fun. Find the sun. I repeat, find the sun. You have to. I love you. We all love you guys. Have a great life together. Under the sea.

How was that? They're not going to last. I wasn't sure if it was still recording or not. No, that was great. Thank you so much. All right, let's record one and get it. Nicole, do you think you're going to play that at the wedding? You can be honest.

I'll have to run it by my older sister, Nancy. We gotta, we gotta agree on it. But what do you feel? What do you feel? How do you think it's going to go over with your group?

That's a good question. Can I be honest? Your ambivalence is troubling. I got to tell you, we've all been in the business for a while, and when you're not getting picked up to series or you're not getting a green light, it's tough. I did not think the wedding was going to pass on our pilot. Well, we're getting to the bottom of it, Nicole. So what are you feeling? Beep out the swear words. What are you feeling? This is a church group, right? They're athletes.

Yes, they're getting married in a church. And we do have older family members that are going to be at the wedding. Okay.

How about this? Let's try a second option. We are here to help, guys. I'm going to tell you this. I missed the church part. Gareth Lamorne, remember the premise of this show. We are on Nicole's team, right? I know. It's true. It's just think about when we were all doing New Girl. I don't think we got this many notes on set. You weren't there a lot. You weren't there a lot. We did. I was on set. I've been on set of New Girl being paid, so I don't know what...

Here we go. We're going to try again. The whole thing, the goal of this is we're going to do it in 30 seconds. All right. Okay. Okay. This is hard. No wonder I'm not a cameo. This is brutal. In three, two, one. Hey, congratulations to Natalie and Jeremy. Wow. You guys really did it. It happened. If you're seeing this, you did say I do. So it's official. We're very excited for you. Lamorne, what do you think?

You know, I think it's a very special occasion. It's a holy union. I want to give some advice, if that's possible. Please. You know, because I've been married so many times, still am. Yes, sir. Well, married to the game, baby. But, you know, if I were you guys, I would sleep as much as possible. Because when you sleep, you have that right mind for your partner. Okay? You stay sharp. You stay solid. You stay in love forever. Forever.

So we just want to say to Natalie and Jeremy, we are excited for you. Congratulations. Garf, I know you got a little advice. Shoot it. Well, I just wanted to point out I was also on New Girl, but I don't want to make it about me. I'm a 40-year-old man, 43-year-old man with a cat. That's my longest relationship. God bless. This is going to go great. And last before we leave, Denzel, you got anything? Ha, ha, ha.

The game of marriage is chess, not checkers. You understand what I'm telling you? It's chess, not checkers. Make your next move your best move. You understand what I'm telling you? Congratulations, you guys. We're really happy for you. What the fuck, Nicole? That was pretty good. Come on. Nicole, what do you think of that one? That one is good.

You do this voice thing where it gets higher and higher. - I'm in bed, Nicole. - We're not buying it. Nicole, in our heads, when we heard what was about to happen, we were like, man, Nicole's gonna be so thankful. I feel like- - I am thankful. - Is it good? - Where are you at, Nicole? Be honest. - Yes, it's good.

No, no. Here's what I need. Now, Nicole, here's what we need. We need notes. What would you like this fucking speech to be? God damn it. I liked a lot of aspects of both speeches. Okay. Talk to us. Talk to us. So if we did a third, what would you want? Probably, I don't know. It all was really good. It's just, just remember that it's going to be at a church. Okay. At a church with elderly. Well, not elderly, but older. Give me this, Nicole. Give me this. Give me this. Okay.

Walk us through what you would like for the gamemanship of it all. We start off with an intro, right? Hellos, hellos. This is... Let's just do it. This is why we're here, right? What I really liked about the first one was just the hype that you had at the beginning. So you like the hype. Up top hype. Yeah. I feel like I'm taking an order at a restaurant. Okay. Up top hype. Okay. And then we transition into...

Yeah, the advice, you know, advice that you would be okay saying in a church. Church advice, church advice. Okay. And then in closing, just a closing prayer. No, thanks. Pastor Washington. You don't have to. Okay, so we got an intro. We got some hype. We got some advice. And then we've got a well wishes. Would you be happy with that? Yeah.

100%. And in terms of length, where are you thinking? Oh, whatever you're comfortable with. Nicole, you're the boss, baby. You ain't bossy. You're the boss. Okay. I feel like I'm already asking a lot. Stop it. So do I. Jake is the only one. I'm not someone...

I'm not someone who asks a lot. I'm tired. This is your time to ask a lot. This is your time to ask a lot. That's why we're here. God damn it. We're here to help. We're doing this ridiculous thing. Get your god damn it's out now, Jake. Here's what's going to happen, god damn it. If we gave her A or B, she's going to go, I was on a fun podcast. I want this fucking thing playing at the wedding. Get your cussing out, you little sinner. She's giving me fucking notes up and down. She's fucking pissing me off. She's pissing

There you go. All right. And we're back. All right. Nicole, I feel good about that. I'm glad you got that out. In three, two, one. Hey! USA! Cut. LeBron. Go for the angels. We in church, motherfucker! We're trying again. That was a fail. Four. In three. In two. In one. Hey! Hey!

Natalie and Jeremy, congratulations on getting married. Nuptials. What a win for you two. And this is brought to you by your sister, Nicole, who wants you guys to have a really weird moment at your wedding. And we're going to help provide it. Exactly. We want you guys to think about all the love making that's going to happen. Oh, fruitful. Fruitful.

And multiply. Send the Bible. Send the Bible. For probation. For probation. The Bible. We can see this. No, we're starting over. In three. In two. In one. Oh. Natalie and Jeremy got married. Hallelujah. Cut. Cut.

What? We're not going hallelujah. Too thick? In three. Was it not a black church? No. Natalie and Jeremy's a white church. In three. In two. In one. Hey, hey! Woo!

Natalie and Jeremy, congratulations, guys. Your sister, Nicole, asked us to be part of this speech, and we are honored to be here. Are we not, gentlemen? Oh, completely. Yeah, it's great. What a lovely service. We all go to church and love church, so what a great service. Shut up! Shout out to Reverend Jones in the back. You get that replacement hip yet? You old snake, you.

And cut. Let's try one last one, guys. Nice and clean. Lean and mean. This is good. Lean and mean. This is the money one. Let's pretend it's on film. This one matters. In three, in two. Yeah! Yeah!

Natalie and Jeremy, you did it. You're married. We are happy for you. Very happy. Three stars of New Girl, Jake Johnson, Lamorne Morris, Brian from the show, Gareth Reynolds. We're so happy for you. Yeah. Against all odds, you survived. Nobody thought you were going to get married. Everybody had doubt in you. All the arguments. Nobody had doubt in you. Doesn't matter. Your sister, Nicole.

asked us to do this. She said, you guys have a lot of fun with your speeches. And we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts that we hope you guys really stick it out. Don't go to bed angry. Always be nice to each other. Always try to listen. Gentlemen, any advice for this lovely couple?

I actually have never been in a committed relationship. I have a cat, so always clean the litter. But what Jake said sounds really good. Really happy for you. Lamorne, what you got? Always staring to each other's eyes so you could read the tea leaves. You understand what I'm telling you? You know when your partner is up to something. And guys, we just want to say in closing to everybody there.

Thank you guys for having a wonderful night. And please, everybody give a big hug to Natalie and Jeremy. Congratulations, guys. And don't forget Axel. And Axel. Nicole, where are we at?

Did Lamar say that everyone had doubts about them? That's a blooper. There's bloopers. Listen, okay. This is, I mean, honestly, we have lives outside of this speech. My kid is in the car right now. In three, two. Jake looks like he's an accountant on April 14th right now. In three, two.

Two, one. Hey, hey! Natalie and Jeremy! Wow, a wedding. You did it. We're so proud of you. Congratulations, guys. We're really happy for you. Your sweet sister, Nicole, asked us to do this. Hi, Nancy. How you doing? And we just want to say we wish you guys all the best from your friends at New Girl. And any advice, gentlemen?

Well, I just we heard about the event and we said we'll just do one quick take of a speech just to get it out there and give it to you and wish you the best. So we really do wish you the best. Lamar, you got anything? Yeah. Shout out to Deacon Jones in the back. You got to call me. You got to call me. You owe me something.

I'll take payment soon. Venmo works. Listen, don't think because you had a wedding that I wasn't going to run up on you. I love you, and I know there's a wedding, but I need my stuff. Beacon. What?

Oh man, we're so happy for all of you. And obviously Deacon Jones is totally invented and that's not real at all. We're just having some fun. And fun is what life and marriage is all about. This is going to go great. Jake, don't look so stressed. You should be happy. We're at the finish line. Oh, God bless. USA! USA! We helped. What are you talking about? See, Nicole, I think the goal of that speech was to make you miss the one before it.

Nicole, do we have any wins here? Yes, there are some wins there. Now, I got to ask, honestly, is there any world you're playing this at that church wedding? No.

Okay. Let's do one more. Kevin, can you mute Lamorne? No, just I'll keep it clean. I'll keep it. Listen, I will keep it. Watch this. Watch this. So Lamorne, you start our intro. Let's see if that changes it. Okay. In three, two, one.

This is hip hop church. Jesus Christ. I'm stuck. Y'all are messing this up for her. Y'all are messing this up for her. Are you talking to you? You're wearing a do-rag and you're laying it down. You are not a real person. How Deacon Jones is going to get run up on. You are just not a serious person.

I got it. You just got to let me be me. In three, in two, go. Congratulations, Jeremy and Natalie. It's your wedding day. Everybody in the building is excited, excited to see you. They come from all over the world. I don't think it's going to work with Lamorne, guys. From miles and miles and miles. I don't think what they're looking for is a guy laying in bed with a gun.

With a do-rag on, talking nonsense in some rhythmic way. I don't think it's going to work. Listen, older people in church like to relate to the younger folks. So you got to bridge that gap. All right, let's start again. Gareth, can you try intro? Yeah, all right, let's try intro. All right, ready? Three, two, one.

Natalie and Jeremy, you did it. You got married and we want to help you celebrate stars of the hit show. New girl, Gareth Reynolds, Brian, the security guard, Jake Johnson, Lamorne Morris. And we're all here because we know you want to see something big. We got to outdo the previous speeches. And I think we are Gareth. And I think we are now.

Mind you, the Little Mermaid song was great, but I think we're winning this one, don't you? I agree. Jake, why don't you give them a little bit of advice you've learned? You're a married guy. Well, here's what I'm going to say to you, Jerry. You got to find your way into the family just the way you have found your way into your bond with Axel at work. So I want you to start looking at your father-in-law as Axel and bond.

with that man. You're part of the team now. You're part of the family. And I'll say this. Nicole has a lot of great things to say about you two. She says that you guys are equally serious, but equally silly. And she loves the match. I think the whole family does. Yep. And you can see Jake's been a little emotional from even hearing about these nuptials. Lamorne, now, why don't you close out this speech with some great, great advice that would play great right now?

All right. Thank you guys so much. We really appreciate Natalie and Jeremy. You guys have a wonderful wedding. Thank you guys. I knew he was going fucking south. We got it. So hold on. No, Nicole, what'd you think of that?

That one was great. Okay! I'm so sorry, but I didn't mention that my dad passed a few years ago. Oh, okay. But is there a way that that piece could just get cut out and everything else is perfect? Yes. Kevin, yes. Can you lift the dad stuff? Yep. Thank God. Yep, I got it. You 100% can?

I should have said something. No, please. Listen, we didn't. After all that, you revealed that your dad passed. Amazing that after all that, we talked about your father who's passed away, and you're like, but this is the best one. Hey, Nicole. Wow. Thank you for the call. Nicole Venmo us. You owe us $1,000 each. And Lamar, thank you for coming back. Thank you so much. I will play that last song.

That last one was great. You really will? Yeah. Maybe if there's, Phil, if you get any footage of it. As long as the dad piece is out. Kevin can cut that out. Send us a video of this speech playing because we would love to know how it goes. I think that's right. That feels like a fair trade. Will you make sure somebody, if not you, films it and sends it to Kevin? 100%. Thank you. Can you also, can you make sure that everyone at the wedding, uh,

understands that the link is in my bio if they want a fabulous brown lightning t-shirt. Yeah, make sure to spread the word at the wedding about the brown lightning merch.

Thanks, guys. And I'm also going to tell you, Nicole, you got a sense of what it was like to work with Lamorne for seven years. We would be trying to go home, wouldn't we, Lamorne? And I would go like this. Please, my man, just say it. Just say the line, my man, please. I'll say it the way that I want to say it. Workshop of ideas. Workshop of ideas. Guys, we got to get off this call. Nicole, thank you very much. Thank you, Nicole. Thank you so much. God bless. God bless.

All right, so guys, thank you for listening. Appreciate it. As you can see, you know, they're great calls. We love Lamar, and it was a lot of fun. So we just decided to, you know, while this was running, we were talking, and we decided what we would like to do is offer...

Lamorne and Kyle to come on the show for a very special episode. We can release it on ours and the Lamorne and After podcast. We could bury the hatchet. We could have all of this out. Well, I think when you listen back to those two calls, what jumps out to me is

We were having a hell of a time. Yes. I mean, this was the good old days. I also spent seven years with this guy at Nugro. I love the guy like a brother. Yeah. I mean, you hear that. You can hear that between you two. And I know that you and Kyle love each other like cousins. Yeah.

Well, we see each other at the lesser host events all the time. I mean, we're always bumping into each other at those things. There's so many worlds to the podcast people don't know about. Yeah. No, they don't know. There's like eight different ponds to this. So guys, listen. Lamorne, Kyle.

Let's do come on the show. We'll go we'll do like let's it's time to start men things Yeah, like look we all know the world can get pretty ugly and things to get really out of hand But God what we're just trying to do here is we're just trying to bring people together We would love to have you guys on good and let me say we don't expect an apology It'd be nice. It'd be nice, but we don't we don't need it. We're those guys. We're those guys So here's what we're asking Lamorne

Before you and I end up on people's court and I take every dollar from you, which I'm willing to do. I don't want to, but I'm willing to. We'll get in a legal fucking mess. You and me will spend seven years in court together. We'll both be broke. Shows like an hour.

What's that? The show's an hour, so I don't know. People's part. We'll go back. Oh. It'll be a multi-season arc. Wow. I don't think they've done that. Okay. Okay. Ryan Murphy will do a show about us on FX.

Crazy court. Crazy court. But listen, guys, come on the show. Yeah. You can really, we'll go on yours. Let's just, let's bury this. Let's get back to peace and love. Yep. Let's, the good times were great times. So let's get back to that. And I think the best way to sign off is probably to just hear that Joe Biden audio one more time, Jay. Yeah, I agree. That really was where this whole thing bottomed out.

Man, look, look, look, look. Yeah, I know. Look, look, look. We're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson let me sniff his ear while I fingered him. Okay. Goodbye, everybody. And I want to say something to the audience really fast.

I'm sorry about this episode. Yeah, this is not okay. Sorry to anybody who's listening going, what happened? But we don't know either, guys. This is Thursday. Thursdays are wild cards. Thursdays are wild. On Monday, it's going to feel normal again. Monday, we'll be back to regular. This is a disaster. Joe Biden did not say that. All right, thanks, everybody. Oh, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of Season 1 are available now on Patreon, and Season 2 video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash heretohelppod.

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