cover of episode 149: On My Knees & Don't Call Me Daddy

149: On My Knees & Don't Call Me Daddy

2025/2/24
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Gareth
H
Hannah
一个在网络上表现活跃且具有复杂心理状态的个体。
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Jake
考虑在低收入年份进行 Roth 转换以优化税务规划。
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Matthew
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Peyton
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@Hannah : 我是一位退伍军人,也是一位全职妈妈,目前正在上大学。为了完成学业所需的300小时志愿者服务,我在我儿子就读学校的图书馆做志愿者,并带着我的小女儿一起。起初,图书馆管理员Denise只是过度管理我的工作,后来她开始抢夺我的工作成果。在学校秋季嘉年华活动中,我犯了一个错误,导致记号笔墨水渗透到地板上。Denise要求我清理,并为此过度反应,甚至要求我购买清洁用品。我和我的丈夫、孩子们一起清理地板,校长看到后制止了我们,并表示学校有清洁人员负责清理。然而,污渍至今仍未清理,Denise对此漠不关心,这让我感到非常沮丧。我认为Denise的行为是一种权力游戏,她故意留下污渍来刁难我。 @Gareth : 我建议Hannah在Denise不在的时候,秘密清理地板上的污渍,并留下道歉的字条。这可以避免与Denise直接冲突,并修复两人之间的关系。同时,我们也需要Hannah在行动前做好充分的计划,避免被Denise发现。 @Jake : 我建议Hannah在Denise不在的时候,秘密清理地板上的污渍,不需要通过其他人来转达。直接清理污渍可以避免不必要的麻烦,而道歉的字条则可以修复两人之间的关系。同时,我们也需要Hannah在行动前做好充分的计划,避免被Denise发现。

Deep Dive

Chapters
Hannah, a veteran and stay-at-home mom, is being bullied by her son's school librarian, Denise. Denise takes credit for Hannah's work and creates a spiteful stain that Hannah is forced to clean. The hosts offer advice on how Hannah can resolve the situation.
  • Librarian takes credit for volunteer's work
  • Spiteful stain incident
  • Advice to clean the stain discreetly and mend the fence with a small gift

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And we are back. This is the post-Mike Serra episode, Monday morning. Let's introduce our producer this year, Rob, Wobby Wobb.

And you see how he said, this year, just to keep you on your toes, Rob. Nothing's locked in. Just this year. Well, look, that's what Wobby Wob wants, too. That's the dance, baby. We can pretend that, you know, Barb over here is drawing it, but if this is Shark Tank, he's for sure Mark Cuban. Yes, absolutely. That's his vibe. And I...

I remain the guy in ski gear at the end. Not sure what's happening. Yeah. You know what his vibe could be? Rob, if you were on Shark Tank, who would your character be? Are you one of the main five or are you one of those guys like the guy who created Kind Bars?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to admit, I don't know who any of the five people are. Well, that's why we're going year to year with you, Rob. We just discovered we're not on the same page at all. But we appreciate you being here this year with us. It's been fun to have you. We also have liked the calls this year. It's been really fun. And we're trying to connect follow ups to the episode.

And we also heard everyone's complaint about putting ads in the middle of the call. And we worked with HeadGum, our sales agents, and we're not going to do it. They said that we can get away from that. So we hear it, everybody. So we're here to help you guys. Rob, let me ask you this. When you heard that we were interested, and again, I'm posturing like Shark Tank, did

You were obviously a fan of the show. Yeah, you'd listen to the show before that? Yeah, a ton. Yeah, so you'd listen to a lot of it. Your little attitude with, yeah, a ton. This is off the guys wearing orange right now. Yeah, the orange guys are turning red. Listen, we put out a lot of podcasts, so I don't listen to a ton of podcasts outside of what's being produced. But I'm very aware of the show, and I know I was... Yeah, I'm a fan of both of you. Did you...

Now you have told me that you're going back and listening to some. You're doing that a little bit, right? Yeah. Your homework. Yeah. Favorite episode from season one, Rob, just so we can... I mean, we just want to make sure we're dealing with someone who's an honest person. That's like asking somebody their favorite storyline from a TV show they've never watched and watching them go, well, it was when the Frasier man...

said that he was ready to be a psychiatrist. And the bartender man, Ted Danson man, said, okay. The bartender man. That's just adding man to every occupation. But when you watch somebody fall apart, it is enjoyable. Well, you know, this is one thing I realized watching the original Office. I was like, you know, one of my favorite things to do or like to watch is to watch

an actor lying when we know he or she is lying. That brings me such joy to be like, watch someone fibbing on camera. I mean, the not funny version of it, but the very funny version of it. The not funny in context, but the very funny in watching is to catch a predator. Oh my God. It is the grossest context. How did this show happen? Well, because Chris Hansen is...

a comedic genius. And the show brought down predators. And what I like about it is I like the end where they get arrested and then they have to call their, their wife. But there is a moment of comedy in all those episodes when these guys are saying all these things via email.

Then they get busted, and then they pretend they weren't doing what they were doing. They'll go like, are you kidding me? I came here because this 15-year-old boy is alone. I was going to help with his homework, and they go – I'm worried. Some guy can come over here and try to be rude with him and inappropriate. And they go like a 40-year-old guy like you, and they'll go like exactly what I – and they go, so why do you have eight jars of whipped cream? And they're like –

for cherry pie are you kidding are you kidding salesman i need those are you kidding me when caught in a lie is always it was entrapment which is why the show stopped but it was like we were all like we're actually okay with this entrapment it is get these guys out of here and also the idea of sitting in a house

drinking lemonade, lying to a guy from Dateline and you don't know while outside a cop is in a bush outfit or like dressed up like a hill and just like pops up with a machine. You were just like, man, these guys. Or how about the acting gig? You're an actor in your late 20s, but you can play 14. Ugh, it's so good.

And always with the, like, I'm just throwing some laundry and I'll be right back. And then the creeps like, can I get a quick hug? Well, let me go in this weird back room really fast. Well, just one hug. A lot of curtains over those doorways. Yeah. You said you really liked Mountain Dew. I have a two liter. Okay. I'm going to go in the back. What?

What are you doing here? Me? Just delivering Mountain Dew? A grown-ass man. Why don't you sit down? And you're just like, yeah, for sure, I'll sit down. I mean, I love to sit. It's cool. Chill vibes over here. And then the point where they go, am I allowed to leave? And he goes, yes, I am. Okay, great. And then the cops come on. The guy's like, ah, son of a bitch! Or what about the ones where the guys would be like, uh...

Is this a, is this Dateline? Yeah. Like where you'd get recognized? I'm not going to answer that. If the, if the, the crime wasn't so grotesque, it is just such a funny character introduction to meet somebody in like a movie where Chris Hansen comes out. Like I wish Chris Hansen was doing it for like insurance fraud.

He actually, yes, because when they got rid of the show, Chris Hansen was like, but that's all I've been doing. This is his whole thing. And so then they did like a version where he was catching like internet scammers. And he would just be like in Kenya and he would be like, can I talk? Does anyone here want lemonade? And they would just be like, get out of here.

You know, it was a much, it just wasn't, the satisfaction of those. Although I will say, I kind of, I'm kind of a Chris Hansen fan in terms of his tone. I agree. I would, I would go down the road and watch him bust other people because he puts you in your place so quickly and he acts surprised that you're surprised.

He had all the power in a situation where there were these guys who were like, I'm pretty sure I'm in charge. Like there's one guy who pounds a whole pizza. Like he's like trying to posture like, dude, everything's fine. That's exactly right. So he just eats a whole pizza. What are you going to do in that moment of utter? And then when the camera come out, you have to pretend like, don't care. Hey, whatever. Whatever.

don't care that i still will have my insurance job monday morning yeah uh don't care that this is the most humiliating part of my entire life all those emails i'm glad those emails are coming out so what he read the chat so what he just read the whole chat and he's stacks of paper and then i love when they go

And how old did you think, you know, Jared Rosen? He goes, 18. And then they go, well, the text said you're 14. Is that cool? And you wrote AF. And he goes like, right. No, that was a mistake. I thought that was a joke. I thought that was a joke. Gross. There's like a group now on like online who basically do that. I've seen it. And then they beat the people up. Well, it's really crazy. It's really crazy. Yeah.

I mean, again, well, there's no defending. I know it's, it's such a hard thing. It is. It's, you're just like, Jesus Christ, everybody, everybody calm down. Right. It's the whole thing in jail where you hear like, uh, pedophiles get it so bad in jail and you're always like culturally, you're like, well, yeah, yeah. That's in like, what were you going to say, Rob? We're still talking about shark tank.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You've never seen the tape? No, I haven't seen it. Yeah, so Gareth is Robert, obviously. I'm Barb, obviously. I'm a big yes-ander, and I'll try everything. I think I'm younger than I am, and it's pretty annoying. And then to link Rob to the show, Gareth, who is he? He's not Damon. He's not Laurie. He's not Mr. Wonderful, and that's a good thing. I think he's like...

The... Kind Bar Guy's a good one. The Kind Bar Guy's a good one. You know who he could be? Who? Kutcher. That's a...

You just got Ashton Kutcher, man. I'm punking you, Rob. I'm punking you. This is the intro with all the TV references. Well, we really are. We'll think of who you are, but we really are glad to have you, Rob, and appreciate it all, really. Yeah. And you got a bunch of shoes back there, and that's important to us. Yeah. Well, let's get into the show. What do you guys say? Nah. Without further ado. ♪

Hello. Hello. Hey. Hey there. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? Yes. Wow. Yes. My name is Hannah. Very quick. Okay. My name is Hannah. I'm 30 and I'm from Portland, Oregon. Oh, beautiful. So Hannah, Hannah, 30, Portland. What do you do for work, Hannah? Yeah.

Well, I am a veteran, and I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I'm going to school right now. Okay. You're a veteran. That's as cool as it gets. Yeah. And how many kids you got? I have two kids. Two kids. How old? Eight and four. Okay. So you got a baby, too. So, Hannah, what can we do for you today? Well, I'm being bullied by the local librarian. What? What?

Walk us through it. And I just, I'm calling you guys because I need advice about how I can tactfully demand respect from this book jockey without messing up my current situation. Yeah, I get it. What is your current situation? And when you say bullying, how intense is this? Are we talking funny bullying? Walk us through it.

Well, so the situation is that it's a little bit layered. So I'm finishing up my senior year of college. I need 300 hours of volunteer work. But because I'm a stay-at-home mom, I have a four-year-old who's like always with me, right? Yeah.

The librarian is my son's school librarian. Okay. And she lets me volunteer there to, you know, fulfill that requirement for school. And she lets me bring my daughter with me. Okay. So it's very, very helpful. It didn't... I didn't know...

It didn't start out as bullying. It kind of started out like she was micromanaging me, which I was like, absolutely. This is your library, like however you need it. And when I'm there, like I'm there to work, I'm very efficient and I'm there to like get things done for her. But then it kind of started to turn into,

where she was having me do a lot of things, but then taking credit for them. Okay. First of all, before we go any further, Hannah, what's this librarian? Let's give her a name. Let's call her Denise. Denise. And what's an age for Denise? We talking 65? 65.

Oh, no. Denise is probably in her 40s. Oh, I didn't expect that. Okay. She's a baby. So Denise, Denise runs the library and the library is at a school. And that's why your kids there. So it's like a preschool. Is it a pre, is it through like fifth grade? Yeah, it is preschool up to sixth grade. Okay. And she runs the library there and you need the 300 hours. So you're volunteering and you're basically like her intern. Right.

Yes, that's correct. Okay. And so she's having you at first when you, you explain this to her, she said, come work for me. It's no big deal. Of course, bring both kids. And you're like, you're the best. Yes. And my son goes there. Yeah. Was there a moment, like, did she ever say like, Hey, we should get dinner sometime. And you said like, no, thank you. And then the vibe changed because a lot of times there's moments like this where like something happened and,

And then, like, things went sideways. I'm wondering if there was something that happened. Absolutely. Well, I can tell you the day it happened was the day of the fall carnival. This feels like the beginning of a kid's or young adult novel. Now we go back to the carnival. I was just going to say, it's when we leave the page and we go to the reenactment. I would love to go back to the reenactment as a podcast. It is a piece of special. Okay, so take us to the carnival.

So day of the fall carnival, she, I come in to volunteer. She has a big piece of paper on the floor. It's really important that you know that it is on the floor. Okay. She wants me to write out fall carnival, fall 2024. Okay. I said, okay, so get down.

She gives me a marker. I start writing. A class comes in and the students are like, I want to help. Absolutely. Students start helping me. Another parent volunteer comes in. She starts helping me. So we're all working on this. So finish the sign. I have to go pick my daughter up. She's at preschool part of the day. So I go to pick her up. I get a text from Denise a couple hours later. And it's just a picture of the floor. The sign is no longer there.

But the marker had bled through. So there's a big yes on the floor. It says fall carnival, you know, fall 2024. It went right through it. Right through. I text back immediately and I say, I'm so, so sorry. Let me come clean that up. And she says, bring a magic eraser and hand sanitizer. Okay. I said, okay.

Okay. So I go to pick up my son and she pops her head into the car and she's like, I said, Hey, again, I'm so sorry about that. I will clean that up this evening because of all carnivals this evening. And she was like, it's fine. She said, the janitorial staff said, that's what you need to clean it. And by the way, they like tequila.

They like what? Tequila. They like tequila. Like buy the janitor's tequila. Yeah, right. Because of his blunder. Buy the janitor's tequila. I screwed up their floor. Okay. End of the carnival, I go upstairs and I start scrubbing. And my husband's with me and my kids are with me. My husband gets down on his knees with me and we're both scrubbing. And then the principal comes upstairs and she has her kids. And her kids then get down on the floor and

And starts scrubbing. Well, the principal didn't see this happening. She comes around the corner and she says, what are you doing? And I said, oh, Denise, this happened and Denise said I need to clean this. I said, that's what I'm doing. But you said Denise said I have to clean this. And the principal thinks this is why we have janitors. Yes. Well, then the principal says to me, she goes, I do not want you on your hands and knees. She said, we have chemicals.

The cleanest. She said, no, this should do not, do not do this. She said, you just did a whole carnival. She said, our staff will take care of this. She said, get up. Hannah. Oh, it gets so, we get up. Keep going. Keep going. And we leave. Well, I come back. It's a question for you, Hannah, a question for you. And I'm sorry to do this, your honor. I'm sorry. No, you're okay. Proceed. Thank you.

When you said to the principal, Denise told us to, was it pointed? That's a good question. Thanks. When you say pointed. Jake's asking if you had mustard on that, if that was an earnest response to a question, or if you wanted the principal to know this was a little weird. Denise was being a little bit harsh and you were kind of in a weird spot.

It was filled with mustard. Okay. Okay. There we go. So you made a choice. No further questions. Continue. Sit down. But I do want the jury to know that. I wanted the jury to hear that. Don't address them directly. Go ahead, Hannah. Keep going. 100%. Okay. So I come back on Monday. I represent Denise from here on out. Okay. But just please be quiet. You're kind of sorry. Go ahead. Okay. Go ahead, Hannah. I come back on Monday, walk through the front doors or walk through the library doors and

and turned a corner. Denise is sitting at the desk and she can see me. She hates your ass. She didn't say a word to me. Neither would I. So I say, yeah. In fact, I say, good morning, Denise. And she goes, why don't you say that to the principal? Well, I look over her shoulder and it's still there on the floor. The fucking janitors and the chemicals didn't do anything. So then, then I look at her and she's just staring at me and I recount everything that happened that night.

I said, I did come up here and I did do this. I said, you can see where we were scrubbing. I tell her exactly what the principal said to me. And she just goes, oh, really? I said, yes.

By the way, Hannah, I love the way you tell a story. Oh, you're just spinning a yarn over here. You're very dramatic. You're doing a wonderful job. I am invested. I get a little bit of a stomachache, and I'm mad at everybody. Yeah. Perfect. I'm nervous on this end, so thank you. You're doing a great job. This happened back in November, and I was there last week, and it's still there. Oh, my God. What are we... This is...

Come on. What are we doing? How come no one's cleaned it? She wants a spite spot. So I find out, right, it's some sort of weird power trip. And I don't, and end up, I felt, I got upset because she, we were, the last thing was there, I was sitting there and scrubbing with the kids. And the kids said, what, who did this? And I said, I did this.

And then the kid said, well, why is it still here? And I look up at Denise and I said, I thought you were going to reach out the janitorial staff. You said this from your knees? I said it from my knees. While she's in the chair looking down at you? Out your mouth. Her feet just swinging on the chair. And so what'd she say? So I say to her, I go, he, he, he, he.

I thought you're supposed to reach out to the janitorial staff. The principal said she didn't want us doing this. And then all the students look at her. Oh, Jesus. And then she looks at me and she's like, well, I've been meaning to. They're just so busy. So she never reached out to them.

Okay. She's just been having us clean. So I don't know how to, I love the work. Hannah, we're going to jump in. We're going to jump in. Help me. Yeah. So this has been a pretty good setup. We see it. It's very clear. It feels like you and Denise. It's a year later and this is still going on. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm glad we got into this and here's why. Because we've done calls where there's like, I'm just remembering some lady, Gareth, in the parking lot where there was like the older lady who was taking her spot at the school, you know, and that was more just bullying. This feels like you and Denise are involved in a weird thing that started. Well, that was also passive. This is face-to-face. It's very strange. I have my pitch. I have my pitch. I got a couple too. Go.

My first pitch is you get into the school and you have the access on a weekend. You get on your knees and you scrub that floor. Okay. I can do you one better.

Go ahead. Go to the grocery store and get a rug doctor and do that. Just let the rug doctors do the work or give the janitors tequila and be like, hey, there's a stain up there. Can you fix it? She can't go to them because she tried with the principal. Anytime you go through anybody else with Denise, it's going to backfire on Hannah.

I also, I think, okay, I think it's got to be two-pronged. One is get rid of the stain. So you can either, you know, for whatever reason, grocery stores rent those big rug cleaning machines. I'd get one of those. Or, yeah, show up. Is it on a rug or tile, Hannah? It's on tile. Oh, shit. Okay, then get in there. Elbow grease it. But then I think we also have to mend the fence. As much as you would rather...

let this per like, let your actions speak. I do think you want to do something for her to say, Hey, obviously this was a bit of a strange situation. I'm glad it's fixed. Yeah. I'm glad it, you know, here's a pie or like here's a bottle of wine or here's a gift card. First order of business. And you're not wrong, Gareth, but I do think we got to tackle the first mountain first. Hannah, how are you going to clean that off the floor? How can you get in there when Denise doesn't know that,

without going through the janitors? What's the system? Because I'll tell you, if you go through the janitors and you try to go through an official channel and Denise finds out, it's going to make your life even worse. Yeah. So you walk us through a pitch because you know, Hannah, how to get in that room.

When Denise is not around. And it's not going to take you a week of scrubbing. But it must be pretty bad. Yeah, but it's probably like that deep marker kid Sharpie, the thick ones, that's just really stained. It's not stained forever. I can send you a picture so you guys can see. Yeah, I'd like to see some photos.

Yeah, I can email a picture over to you guys. But I see what you guys are saying. And what do you think of this? I know exactly. She doesn't like it. I know exactly when I could get in there. I think it's a great idea to get rid of the staying. When could you get in there? Just because now I'm invested in the story. Right. Well, she has certain times of the day where she goes and works with other students. So I have the library to myself. So I could...

just try to work as fast as I could. Yes. But Jesus Christ, Hannah, it's like a heist movie. You can't get caught. You can't get caught. You can't be three quarters of the way through and she walks in and you're on your knees with gloves on. That's a nightmare. She might kill you. She signed me up to finish the yearbook. So I have to be there after school. So I could. And she leaves, she leaves when the bell rings. Yes. That's your move.

Okay. When she's gone and you know, she's gone and you're there for yearbook, get this stuff and you don't stop until it's done. And guess what your kids can do? Hang out. Yeah. I would sneak it in that day. And I would, I would have your husband help. I would have anybody you can recruit, not through the school that Denise doesn't have to know. And then I would leave behind some flowers and a note that said, sorry, this took so long. Uh,

Okay. I'm sorry this happened. It will not happen again. All the best, Hannah. And then when she brings it up, you just play nice a couple times. You kill her with kindness and you move on. Yeah. But we have to write the wrong on this one because Denise seems petty and she's not going to let it go. This is also employer-employee shit. This isn't like a person in your personal life and you've got to kind of mend the fence.

this is like, you just got to get through a certain amount of time. As well as we need you to get those 300 hours. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like, you've got a destination. Like this does end. So that's, that I think is the best thing. You know how you could make it fun? You, your husband and the kids all wear camouflage or all wear all black, like burglar clothes.

And you do it like it's a, yes. And it's, you've got to be done by, so the kids are in, nobody can catch us. It's, we have to get everything off and it's got to be perfect. Or here's a way to make it fun. You clean it. You don't leave a note.

Okay. Then you never mention it. I'm going to separate from Jake on this. Okay. I think you want the credit because I think it helps you with her. Because you don't want her to think like you had nothing to do with it. I think I would attach the two. I do like the Cap Burglar pitch. Can she stay mad with no stain?

Yes, she can. Yes, she will. Yes. I gotcha. You think the pettiness would go, I gotcha. Yes, I think she, this is not about the stain. Yeah. This is about the mustard.

Right. Yeah, that's interesting. So this is how you get the mustard off of the... Off. Yeah, I think that's right. That's interesting. I don't think you're wrong, actually. But I do like the pitch of being like, pitch to your kids that you're going to do like a catbird remove. You're going to sneak in these things. We're going to put black hats on. We're going to set a timer, and we're going to, as a family, get this stain up as quick as possible. And then I would do the leave behind. A flower, like some cookies, something like that. Now you talk for a little bit and let us know what you're thinking.

I think it's honestly a great idea because just like you're saying, it wipes the slate clean. And just like letting her know, yes, it was me. I think it's a great idea to come in and make it fun. And I think also if something happens in the future, it does back me up by saying, hey, I made that wrong right. Yeah, you're looking for the reset.

You're looking for the reset. Right. And I also agree when you say this isn't an employee situation. There's going to be an end point. So honestly, I'm going to take your guys' advice because I've been doing this since September and I feel like I have just like been run over and I think this is a great start. Yeah. You know what I got to say, Hannah? Yeah.

Season two, Gareth and I are giving great advice. We're good. I'm a little worried. I think the bottom's going to drop out. The bottom's going to drop out. This is not the moment for us to be bragging. I know. But she just said she was at the end of the line. She felt emotional. This was helping. Who are we, man? I don't know. I don't know. We're becoming good advisors.

advice, guys. I don't know. I don't like it. It's not good. I'm going to back off. I'm feeling too confident. I would take some dog shit and rub it on that. Have you ever thought of Parmesan in the floor? Jake, I got to tell you, someone came to my show and brought me a thing of Parmesan to sign for their kid. I think this is going to work. I do, too. It's definitely the right way to start it.

Yeah. And then will you, will you take a couple of pics of the, you guys in the burglar clothes, cleaning it up some before and afters. And then what are you going to leave in the note? What's the note going to say? Probably. I'm so sorry. It took so long to clean up. I hope this starts your year. Good.

Like that. I like that. I got a pitch. Go for it. Yeah. Hopefully this new floor means a new start. I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I really like that. I like it. I also a little bit hate it as Denise. She likes it. What is your pitch? Hannah likes it. My pitch would be, I think I've been on my knees enough for you, bitch. Time for you to get down here too.

Come in the mud with me, baby. How about roses are red, violets are blue, the floor looks good, now fuck you. How about this?

You clean it up and the next day with marker, you write, fuck you, Denise. If you get the stain up, I'll need to write, fuck you, Denise, on the floor. The day you quit. The day you quit. Fuck you, bitch. I was on my knees enough. By the way, this is what happens when you compliment our advice. Now we're like, it's ruined everything. Hannah, thank you so much for the call. Please follow up. But please send some pics on what's going on with this. And I do think the note should be...

Really clean, really quick. Yeah. I don't think it should be overly, you know, I'm such a great person. Denise has a hard-on for you. So all we're looking to do is we're just looking for a ceasefire. Yep. We're just saying like, hey, she went sideways. Yep. I can do that. Take it easy. Thanks so much for your time, you guys. Yeah. Thank you for the call. Great story. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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site-wide, plus a free travel case and countertop stand at getquip, Q-U-I-P dot com slash W-H-T-H. Getquip, Q-U-I-P dot com slash W-H-T-H. And now you know how to spell it for sure. Hello. Hello. How are you? Hi. What's happening? How are you guys? Good. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm going to go by Peyton for this call. Peyton? Like Peyton Manning? Peyton.

Close enough. What is the one you're saying you want to go as? Like Hayden. Yeah, kind of, but with a P. Is this a name?

You just making up words? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it's fine. Well, hold on just real quick. It's fine to make up a fake name on this show. That's totally okay to do. But by the way, it is wild. It's not fully made up. But why are you- It is a name from one of my favorite podcasts. Okay. Which doesn't happen to be yours. Well, first of all, whatever. But also, next time, Jeff is fine. Go ahead, Jake. Keep the intro going. Made up name. I'm going to go with Mulak. Okay.

I'd like to be called Ishgurn. So Peyton. Ishgurn Mulock. How old are you, sir? 30. 30. And what's the podcast you like that you were telling us about? Yeah. What's your other lover?

This will actually play into it a little bit. It's called Dungeons and Daddies. My nipples just got hard. You're back, Peyton. Welcome back. Dungeons and Daddies, sir. Sorry that we insulted your name. Sire Peyton. My apologies. I'm nothing but a slob. So please, Sir Peyton, will you tell us what the issue is today?

Yeah, my wife is what I would say an avid reader of smut books. The last year she read probably over 150 books in total. And I can't necessarily say that that fully plays into our bedroom life. But one thing that has come up is

that she wants to call me daddy in bed. And this makes me uncomfortable because I have a son who also likes to call me daddy. I get it, man. By the way, having kids changes the terms, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't love it. Let's give her a name. Should we call her Pishtar?

Pistar is good, but Beverly would be better in this scenario. Okay, so Beverly we're calling it. So when you say smut books, what are these books Beverly is reading and how did she start? What's going on? It's exactly what you think it is. It's very sexually heavy books. Okay.

I believe the main series is a court of thorn and roses that most people start with. Um, but yeah, she's fully involved in it. She goes to book clubs for it and all of her friends are into it too. So yeah, it's good for her and it's, you know, it's good for us, but,

I don't necessarily need to be called daddy in bed. Okay, so just to be clear. And that's where I think you guys might be able to help me. I think we can too, but just to be clear. Slow down, slow down. I'm going to put a few different names. Slow down, daddy. Slow down. Yeah, come on, baby. Come on, daddy. Hey, I barely know you. Yeah, so we got to take a step back before we get to pitching different names, but we will end up there. So...

She's into these smut books and it is good for you guys. So most of the thing, it has sparked some more fun in the bedroom. Things are going well. Is that correct? Yes. How old's the kid? You got one or two kids? One kid. He's about to be three. About to be three. Okay, great. So a three-year-old baby and you guys are still finding it. So God bless these books.

Yeah, I can give you that. And so when did the nickname Daddy start? Was there one before? Before these books, did she call you something else? It didn't start before your son, too. Yeah, I'm trying to get a sense of who Beverly was in the sack before these books. I think that's kind of part of the problem is there's been nothing good before that either. I gotcha. You know, I don't necessarily...

feel as if any name that normal people call me is good to me. So you don't like nicknames? I don't like my name necessarily being used or like generally names that other people in my life are using. That was the problem initially was that this name was sort of something that your son used

calls you. That's what makes it weird. If we found one that maybe wasn't... Even before that, even my normal name is not necessarily my favorite thing. Are you going to be okay if we come up with another pitch for her to call you something, or are you looking to get completely off the nickname train? That's right. No, I'm a-okay finding something else. Give me a little taste of this, though. When did Daddy start?

Uh, fairly, I want to say fairly recently, like within the last year. Um, and it's something that, that she and her friends agree is, is pretty hot, but to me it just doesn't get the wheels turning. Um, and, and there's a certain point where I, I asked her to try it out cause I could tell she was holding back and, um,

It just, like she said, she could say it in her head and all of that. But there's a point where she's holding back and that's not cool either. I hear what you're saying. You're a sensitive creature. I like that. Unfettered fun. Yes. Yeah. Okay, this is interesting. Yeah, so just looking for something neutral and natural and...

It's... It's interesting. It's hard because daddy is a very... Daddy's a go-to. But I think you were alluding to the fact, Jake, that it does... It changes you. Yeah, it kind of... When you're called daddy by a child... Yeah, no, it takes you out of it. And then you hear it, your first thought is, what can I get for you? Well, and the...

Look, you've got to be locked in. In order for all the mechanisms to be firing on all cylinders, you've got to remain locked in, and part of that is the head game. So you can't be sitting there doing the business thinking about how daddy is kind of bothering you. So what we basically have to do is pitch—

some alts, but I also think I have a way to pitch them. That's maybe not just, maybe not the, the way to just sit her down and go, Hey dad, he's like an issue. Yeah. Um, you want to hear my pitch on that? Yeah. Okay. I think you should write a romance, uh, short for her that involves you too.

And maybe highlights that that name doesn't work for the character you're playing in for Peyton in the story. And then we come up with a banger pitch at the end. Yeah, I actually think that would probably really do it for make it erotic, too. It's an erotic story. Yeah, I'm really bad at erotic.

conversation written down. But I think I could find some... Well, you could even read one of her romance chapters where the, you know, the porkin' starts and just feel like, you know, just kind of paint by numbers a little. Well, Payton, let me ask you a question about Beverly. So she's talking to her girlfriends. They're all saying, Daddy's pretty hot. You can tell she's holding it back. You say, try it. It's really working for her. It's really not working for you. Um...

Is there a vibe that we can switch it to your last name, like a Mr. Blank or even a sir? That's actually one of the top ones on there. And I've had...

small conversations with my wife about this, but some of the other top ones are Mr. and Sir. Mr. is weird. And unfortunately, yeah, they get weirder too, like Master and stuff like that.

Stop making that face so much, Gareth. Oh, no. Subtle take is one thing, Gareth. You made nine faces in three seconds. Something happened to me. We all know you like to get... Something happened to me. Something happened to me. I like it.

If you need book recommendations, I have someone for you. So here's where I think we're going to, because we could pitch the idea of writing something or getting out of it. But here's where I think the rubber is going to meet the road on this one. And tell me if I'm wrong. I think what she's looking for you in the sack in terms of a name is a position of power. And I think that position of power is not what you're looking for.

I don't know if I fully agree with that. I agree with the statement on what she's looking for. I disagree with the statement on what I'm looking for. But the reason that sir and mister is weird is because we actually use those for our son. And that happened before she started reading these books, too. You call him mister whatever.

We, yeah. And yeah. And, and we call him sir, pretty, you know, sarcastically formally. I got it. So I got a question for you. Those are just, they're connected to this. Okay. So then let me go to you for a second. As a man who loves D and D as a man who doesn't mind this position of power in the sexual dynamics, um,

Now, it's not a comfortable question for man to man to ask each other this, but what do you find really sexy in your role in the sack?

Like if you were really giving it to your wife and she was doing great and deep down you're like, I am a fucking silverback. I am that man. I am an animal. What's your vision of that? Silverback is so bad. What's that? Call me Silverback. Call me Coco the gorilla from the San Diego Zoo. Call me Jake's yard. But what is that version to you? You know, what is something, what do you think is the epitome of a sexual man?

Well, I can't say that on any sort of circumstance for anyone else, but for us, we do definitely have one of those more dominant and submissive type relationships in bed. And that's what you guys like. Yeah, and so there is a certain level of commanding that I have and submissiveness that she has. So those types of namesquare

would be okay but the challenge that we've come across is the fact that i guess all of the uh normal ones are are frequently inside our household yeah okay i understand what about we might have to get a little creative you know yes when you play dnd who's your favorite character to play

I normally play like different types of creatures and that sounds weird because I'm not even remotely involved in

that type of sexual world, but I've only ever played a Black Panther and a Little White Fox. And a Little White what? Fox? Give it to me, Little White Fox. Give it to me, Little White Fox. Yeah, I don't want to get into the fuck me Black Panther, I'll fuck you, Little White Fox. It just gets to the zone I don't feel comfortable with. A Little White Fox about to finish. Here's the issue that I'm bumping against.

You don't like role-playing, but you don't like daddy, mister, sir, or master. So... And it's got to also work for her because we can't get too goofy. Yeah. Because then she'll be like, it's funny, but this isn't a joke. Yeah. Master to me... Like, there's something good about that one. But go ahead. Keep going. I got a bunch. What about something like officer? That's why I was kind of trying to incorporate, like,

Some costume, but there's... But close. Yes. Professor. You're like in charge. Leader. Yes. Professor. I kind of like professor and I don't know why. Let's not fucking freak out. Because that's not up to me, is it? No, but here's what's up to you. You pitching things that you would be into trying.

And then the second thing is, is we got to get her on board too. But if she's liking the idea of this thing, you don't have to do a full role play that you pretend you're teaching a class and blah, blah, blah. But you could start with the idea of professor and see where it kind of start. And once you're in it, you're in it. She's just looking for something to say. I think also, right? If your dynamic while you're doing it is that you're kind of in the driver's seat and

Can you not just, while you're doing it, kind of give her that correction in a dominant sort of way that maybe is a turn on as well? That's interesting. That was kind of the plan. I just needed to come, like, that was ultimately my plan. So stop calling me daddy, I'm the professor. Yeah, but it's basically calling me this. I just needed to come up with a better name. Yes. I like the romance book idea too, though.

Like both of those are very viable options, especially if I introduce it in a short story and follow it up. Peyton, I like what you're saying. I like what you're saying a lot. So if you wrote something about a professor and the student, and in the end of it, the sex act that they did was very much what you and your wife like. How about the story, right, is almost –

She's elipsed at the end by the sexual position the professor takes her in. And as the story ends and she's finishing reading it, you immediately go and sort of start the real life version of it from where the story leaves off. But by the way, I actually think this is kind of nice because then you're getting into the game that you're creating and it's really fun for her and you're doing it through the language she likes these books.

And in it, the character can have a certain disdain for the term daddy. Yes. And so she can be thinking it, which could be turning her on, but she knows she's not allowed to say it, which could be hotter for her. I think it does play into the dynamic, yeah. But she's allowed to be thinking it. I agree. But she is not allowed to say it. May I say, whoops.

-

How do you feel about that, Peyton? I think that honestly might work really well. How do you feel about writing this out? Do you feel like you can sink your teeth into this operation? This show is so weird here. That might be the more difficult side of it for me, but I think I could come up with something. Especially, like you said, if I mirror it off of what she's been reading. You know, if you started it with just like,

If it was just like, whatever, like something like it was a late night at that night, you know, she'd been working hand in glove with him over the past couple of weeks and their relationship had recently turned sexual. She was hoping it would happen again that night. Or it hadn't started, or Gareth, this is the first night.

Or yes, she was, but yes, she was hoping it was going to happen, but she felt, you know, her dream. Yes. As much as she wanted it to happen. She didn't know. I mean, the professor was married, whatever, something like that. And then you could even start the sexual part of the fantasy. And she says, daddy. Yes, I agree. But also she had to bring herself back. She had to bring herself back to his office.

Yes. Late at night to get something and she heard something in the hallway and right. And then in the hallway, you make a sound. And then when it says like, this is how I would end it. I would end it with like, he told her not to call him daddy. He didn't like that. He was a professor. That was the name. And then you sort of go like, you know, he started to kiss her or he immediately, you know, whatever it is. And then you start doing that last part. And that's when the story ends and the actual sex begins.

Yeah, I honestly think that would work really well. I do too. I think it'd be really nice. And then can you do us a favor? Film it? No. After you've written it, can you record it as a voice note and send it to us so we can play it at the end of this with just you reading it from top to bottom? And that can be the button of this little episode?

Yeah, I can give that a go. Thank you. And then will you follow up with us? Please. Yes. Well, certainly. I think this is going to work, man. I think I do too. I think it's a good, it's a good way in her wheelhouse to give this little nudge. I think it's going to lead to a really fun period and probably baby number two for you guys.

Yeah. Just don't call it the professor. Listen, man, we appreciate the call. And truly, when you're done, just record yourself saying it and sending it. I think it'd be a really fun ending for everyone to then be able to hear the call leading up to that, you know, hearing, being able to hear the book from you, then the end. I think it'd be fun. Yep.

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Thanks, my man. Hey, good luck. Appreciate the call. Thanks, buddy. Thank you, guys. All right. Bye. I want to call you daddy. The last word came out as a whisper as she looked away from him. He froze for a moment, his gaze darkening as her words hung in the air. Slowly, his lips curled into a faint, knowing smile, one that sent a shiver down her spine.

Daddy, he repeated, the word rolling off his tongue as if testing its weight. His other hand came to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer. Is that what you've been holding back? The thing you couldn't say? She nodded, unable to meet his eyes. He exhaled a low, shamed sigh, leaning in so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear. That's cute, he grumbled, his voice dripping with authority. But that's not what you'll call me.

She gasped softly as his hand tightened on her waist, his warmth intensifying against her skin. You'll call me professor. Hey everyone, this is producer Natalie here. Just wanted to let you know that the next follow-up is from episode 121, Very Important Pigs with Steve Berg, in case you want to go back and listen to that one again. Hey everyone, this is producer Natalie here.

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Of course. My name's Matthew Cheeseman. I'm a friend of Mikey who called in maybe September, October, and we had the giant inflatable pig. Yes. We're looking for a way to monetize it. Yes, I remember this. You guys had a house. You bought a bunch of these big animals you could blow air into. It's like a big gorilla, like big inflatable. You got it, yeah. Hugely inflatable. And we were talking about throwing a VIP party. You're 35 foot tall.

Yeah, exactly. That was your recommendation, which was a great recommendation. Um, so we have two 35 foot tall gorillas and one 25 foot tall pig. And what, what kind of damage did you guys pay for that? It was around 10,000 bucks, right? Something like that. That was, that was the price for 15 of them from this crazy guy out, uh, in Nanaimo, which is on a, an Island off of Vancouver. Um, and,

And we negotiated for three of them and brought a case of cash over to them. Great. So you got those three for 10 grand?

No less. We negotiated for fewer of them for the same cause. Good for you. Well done. We ended up three for $3,000. That's a good deal. So you were throwing parties and we basically said turn the inside because you can get into them. Turn the inside into sort of a VIP experience. Charge a little money for that. And yeah, so what happened? So what's the update?

Well, we took your idea and we've run with it in a couple different directions. We have had a couple of success stories. I want to go over the successes of the inflatable since we last spoke. In the newspaper, we've had a couple hits. We had an exciting double feature around Halloween. Wait, you were in the newspaper? Oh, yeah. Can you send us clip-ins? Absolutely.

It's a small local paper. It was a small local paper, but we set up the gorilla for Halloween for a kid's party and then we set up the pig for a solar festival around Halloween. So we got in the October edition. And then also around Halloween, we put out an ad

very inspired by your guys' pitch. And I think the best response was a guy over Facebook that was willing to drop, I'm going to say about $500 for like two weeks of renting these things and us going and setting it up and all that. Um,

because he wanted to win a $10 gift card that a street gives out for a decorations contest among all the neighbors. This guy's doing well financially. Yeah, he's doing really well financially. That's kind of our target demographic. And then the date to really put in your calendar is where I think we put the VIPIG experience into motion is March 1st. And the reason is, it's twofold. First, is that that's International Pig Day. And secondly, we figure you're there

You're then 15 days out from Valentine's Day. Single people, they're back on the horse. They've got their motivation again. And so we're thinking it's like a mixer experience in the pig. Where maybe you've got sort of anonymous submissions. If you and another person both agree...

then you can maybe make your way into the pig for a more private learning. But let's also enjoy the fact that outside of this call, hearing maybe you go inside the pig for a mixer wouldn't make a lot of sense. Correct, correct, correct. But how about if two people get together and start their relationship in the pig? That's what I was going to say. A little Valence Wines Day. That's what we're going for.

We're looking for like wedding toasts that we're eventually delivering where we put these people together. When I was inside of that pig kissing you, I knew you were the one. How about this? You do a singles mixer inside the pig. And then if two people hit it off, they can pay $20 to go have a half hour in the VIPig.

Right. Perfect. Perfect. So, so the, I think the mixer is happening sort of, cause I will say it's not an enormous space in there. The mixer is happening like around the pig. And then if, if it's indicated by both parties that there's interest, then yeah, they get the, the VI pig experience where they go inside the blowers, you know, making a bunch of noise. So the, the outside is,

Hardy maybe isn't hearing what's happening in there. Blower's always making a lot of noise. Don't say that. Ruins the romance. Making a lot of noise. I was about to pitch that in, you know, what we could tap into here, Matthew, is that in The Pig...

There's a great photo you could take of people kissing. One of you guys' job could be to hold one of their phones so that they have like the Insta snap. It's like the angel wings. Where the wind is going in the pig. Go in here for five bucks, you get your picture, but it's a great... We call it the pig-ture. Yes, you call it the pig-ture. Ha ha ha!

You call it the picture. The picture is like a kind of a quick cash at a festival situation. Yes, and rather than making it exclusive, everybody can go, but there is a line. I love it. And you don't let people in there, so if there's no line, you make people wait so it feels like there's a line. That's good, too. Nice. Really good. It's like when Buster's put $5 in there. You got the swine line for the picture.

Okay, great. So we've got the picture, Slime Light. We have the original VIPig experience. Yes. You guys are giving us a lot to work with. Well, you guys are doing good work. You guys are building it up. So the party you said is March 1st? Look, you guys spent $3,000 on a couple pigs. So, you know. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like you're talking about our Las Vegas trip, baby. Hey, we're here to help. We'll be right back.

That was 1957. I spent $3,000 on a couple of pigs in Reno. $3,000 on a couple of pigs in Reno like I was a pig chin. It was disgusting. I was and so were the pigs. So this is a great big win. And there's going to be another one after March when you call back. Will you send us? Yeah, exactly. We can put it on. We don't have to see it now. But we'll connect the newspaper clip-ins. And if you make an advertisement for March 1st,

Let us know, and then maybe we can get some of those posted pictures and put those on too. I think we could definitely put it on the socials and help a little bit, you know? You guys are heroes for that. We really appreciate all the support. Yeah, well, I'll send you all our various advertisements.

Great. And then keep up the good work. You guys seem to be doing really important stuff out there. Absolutely. I can't imagine Canada surviving without you people out there. So keep us posted. Mostly us. Yeah. Very well could be. Keep us posted. And again, congratulations. Thanks so much. Have a great day, guys. You too. Appreciate it. Bye. Bye. I should ring the bell on that one. Agreed. Yes. Now it's over. Now the call's over.

I would say a lot of these follow-ups have been recently. What do you think our numbers are for real, Gareth? And don't think what you did last time. Jake. Where are we really at percentage-wise?

I mean, I don't think it's even an opinion piece. I think we are... I don't want to rock it, but I think we're at 100%. We've been hitting pretty hardly. What do you think? 75%. I think we're at 100%. I don't think we've missed. No, but I think the people we've missed with haven't followed up. Well, they don't count. They're dead dudes. No, but I mean this seriously. What do you actually think our number is? Because you know we're not at 100%, but we are also not at like 40% or 30% anymore. I know.

I think 85. I love it. Is my conservative. Yeah. Jesse, I know you're new to the show, but what do you think the hit rate is of actually helping people? And the help can be small.

So far this season, it's 100 of the people that have followed up. Season two has been 100. People are enthusiastic. They're really taking your words to heart. Yeah, well, we're here to help. See, we told them we were going to leave them, and they got scared, and now nobody will tell us we failed them, which I love. I love creating that environment of fear. You know what? We've created a dysfunctional relationship. They're afraid we're going to go. We have the power, so it's fine for us. That's true. Okay, it's working right now. Yeah.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.

Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast, now on HeadGum. Every week, me and my guests get into it, and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies, like Brittany Broski or Drew O'Fuolo, or my

actual biological mother, Kelly. My guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.