145: The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread & Always Wear a Condom
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And we are back. Oh, Jake. Gosh, man. So, Gareth, what are you most excited about in the new year personally? Ooh.

Um, well, you know... What are you about these days, GR? Just really making a lot of my own stuff has started to excite me more and more. I think, you know, as we've talked about with this podcast, one of the things that's great is just being able to

work your own version of entertainment and i really have leaned into that hard so there's a lot of stuff that i'm doing a lot of like little field piece shoot things like i went and hung out with um a uh a ballet company and rehearsed the nutcracker with them and it was insane so that sort of stuff what about you you just took you just wrapped uh yeah work on a

And you were loving that. I really loved it. Yeah. It was the movie The Dink with Josh Greenbaum, who directed it, who you know Josh, too. Yeah, great guy. Well, we did Helvetica together. Yes. You and me and him. And it was just so fun. And it was so fun working with all these different... I hadn't done a big comedy...

in a while with just like all these different actors popping in and crushing it. Yeah. And it was more fun than I expected. I had been doing more different kind of projects lately as an actor. Yeah. Where you're like, you know, more, less improv and more like you're just doing the thing. You're an actor. And it's good.

Sure. And I was like, yeah, it's fun. And I was like, holy shit, man. Being in just like a cross-covered situation and laughing was so fucking fun. You, as I've seen as I was a part of New Girl, but in general, and I think this is the best way to make things, you make up a lot of, even if you have the line, you start to riff off the line and do more of like that sort of shit. Yeah, I love it. Well, I love it when it's the right group.

Yeah, right, exactly. And you're with somebody, and the director's on the same page, and the writer's with you, and the other actor's with you. It just gets real. I mean, it's probably the same thing you're experiencing when you're doing these segments of, like, you have a game plan of what's going to happen. Yes, it's like Mike Tyson said. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. Speaking of, I've been listening to his audio book. Oh, wow. He reads it? No, well. That must have taken a long time if he reads it. I'll tell you the only weird part of it. It's like Berg-Reagan audio book. Yeah.

I would pay for that. By the way, I'm copywriting that intellectual property right now. I'm fighting you for it. I'll sue you. Chapter seven. By the way, we might have to write a history of the podcast for very small, like it'll just be for this base, but it is narrated by Stevie Berg. By the way, Steve Berg is in the movie with Fortune Feister. Those two were so funny together.

No, I know Bert came out for a couple days. He sent me some pictures. I mean, he and Fortune as a doubles partnership. They were so funny. Our caller's here, so let's get into it without further ado. Hi, can we get your name, please? Irene. Hi, Irene. Okay. And where are you calling from, Irene?

I'm calling from Massachusetts. Ah, you near Boston? Yep, I actually am. Ah, I love Boston. Okay, Irene, Massachusetts. How old are you? 36. 36, you're just a child. Irene, and what do you do for work, Irene?

I work at one of those scary AI companies and also for a human rights organization. Wow. The dichotomy of your career. And what do you mean? I know I'm selling my soul in order to afford my human rights career. So Irene, Massachusetts, 36. Okay. What's the problem out today? What can we try to help you with?

Yeah, well, I moved in with my partner a year ago and he has this cat, Mrs. Gingerbread, and we became best friends. The only problem is I use a special voice to talk to her because I think that every cat deserves a special voice.

My partner doesn't feel that way and he uses his normal voice to talk to her. And he hates my special voice that I use in my special songs that I sing to her, but she loves them. And I don't know what to do. Well, for starters, let's hear the voice.

I'm a little worried that when I do the voice, this episode is going to be titled like the most hated woman in America. No, don't. I'm just going to go for it because it's really driving a wedge in our relationship. We just can't. It's just a little bit of a special voice for a little girl named Missy Kittleweed.

Yeah, she's a very, very special girl with a floppy little dush. What do I do? Hold on. We're not done, Irene. I'm not with Garrett. I didn't hate him. I wish we were. Can you give us a little bit of the song?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, do you want the song that I made up or like the variation of Coming Round the Mountain? I want the song. I want them both. Those options are unreal. Here's what I would like you to do. What you do for Mr. Gingerbread when you are your most fired up. I'm sorry, Mrs. So let's hear the one you made up. She's married. And don't do the short one. Don't do the short one. Yeah, well, when we're both fired up, it would be like,

The devil's in the details.

Because hearing this is a lot different than thinking about it. By the way, I'm feeling like Mrs. Gingerbread, and I'm like, I'm laying on my back right now. It's comforting in a way, and if you look at the picture we have of Mrs. Gingerbread, it looks like you have got her in some sort of hypnotic state. And she loves you. Yes. Yes. She loved me so much. Now, that was the Coming Around the Mountain cover? That was, yeah. I also have an original song that I made up. May we? Please.

Yeah, this is just one verse of it. I'm going to do one verse. Hold on. It's many verses. Well, it might be Bohemian Rhapsody, Jake. Well, then we'll see. Can you please do the whole thing? Okay, start. It's going to be too long. It would be like 20 minutes. Okay, we can't do 20 minutes. I'll do like a couple. Bohemian Rhapsody is short compared to your song. Yeah. All right, give us a couple verses. Yeah, give us the winter part. So it's like...

And then this is just a sample verse. So it would be like...

Oh, how I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread, on your round head, fit to triangle-shaped ears. I love you, love you, love you. I'm always thinking of you. I wish I could create your views.

And it goes on and on and on. It's excellent, and you know it. I'll be honest, it's awesome. It's better than we thought. It is way better than we thought. What I love about the second one is sometimes I'll be listening to SiriusXM, and I'll go, you know what, fuck it, I'll listen to like the 40s channel. And it will be a song like that. One quick thing, I don't mean to interrupt, Garf, but Rob, can we use part of that somewhere on every episode? Maybe we end on that.

And maybe we start episode one of season two and people learn about it in this episode. But the new end is somehow we just get that song every episode. And I just want to credit Mrs. G for like inspiring it because she's such a star. Don't differ. You're the real, I mean, you're an artist. Yes. I mean, I am a secret star.

I wouldn't even say secret anymore. So, Irene, we now have a picture of this. So I think the only problem is you live with your partner and you shouldn't. You should live with 15 cats and just let it rip from morning till night. Yeah, you should have a recording studio where you are and you should be putting out. You make cat songs and you have a really nice life. And what you have is a non-supportive partner.

I think that's right. Because you're a champion. We'd like to sign you to here to help records. Jake, I don't know what I'm doing. You're a star. So, Irene, what is the problem? So he doesn't like these voices? Yeah, like last night I was talking to her in this special voice and, you know, singing a little, and he was like, can you please stop? Like he hates it. Okay, and then... Because people whose caps should be talked to in a normal voice. Right. But, Jake, we love what we just heard. Yes, agreed. Imagine...

Living with what we deserve. I can't. You see the problem? Yeah, I do. You know what I mean? You're trying to watch like, you're like, oh yeah, let's watch that Martha Stewart doc on Netflix. Or I'm trying to create a sex... We were trying to watch Married at First Sight. Yeah. I'm also, or I'm thinking I'm trying to create a sexual vibe with my partner because hopefully tonight is going to go down and I go like, hey, you want another glass of wine? And she goes, great. And then she goes, Manny, Manny, Manny, Manny, girl. And I go, nope, not tonight. Nope.

So his kind of thought is, or is his thought he believes cats just shouldn't be talked to that way. Yes. Yeah. He believes cats should be talked to like they're people. So what if you did a great old test and he sat on one side of the room and you sat on the other, you put the cat in the middle, you sing, he talks regular and you see where the cat goes.

She's really smart. I don't know if she's like reading our pheromones or like the mood, but she would know what we were trying to do and she would just leave. Interesting. Okay. Typical cat move. So cat. All right. So then the, so the specific question is then what? Is how do I, it's like when he comes back from work, I have to turn off the voice, but I want to be able to,

You know, continue my rapport with Mrs. G. Yeah. And I don't want to harm his ears. But you really feel like you can't hang with the cat if you're not doing that voice. She can, but she likes it more. It's so hard. It just pops out. Yeah. It just pops out because it's natural and organic. Here's an idea. Here's a way to do it that might just plant a seed.

You could do it in more whispers and as if even though he can hear, you know you're not allowed to talk like this around him. So it could begin the idea of like, I'm so sorry, Mr. Junior, but I can't talk this way. And then he's going to get annoyed. That is what I do at night, yeah, when we're trying to fall asleep. But it's like he hears it and then like his body jerks awake a little bit. I can't believe I on this call am the one who's like, this voice to your cat has to.

So you're leaning towards she should cool it when he's around? Well, I guess what do we want to solve here? Do we want to solve the fact that he thinks it doesn't work or do we want to make him happier about the voice? Because you could pull a move where you're like Mrs. Gingerbread and I are going to go to the bedroom where we're going to do the voice because we don't want to upset you.

Yeah, that's pretty much what we're doing. And I'm just, I'm trying to figure out if there's some way. But give us a, I mean, give us a hint of where you want to, where you think, because Gareth's question was right in my opinion of, is this really a question about you and him in your relationship? Because there's an easy solution for the relationships thing. And that is just don't do the voice when he's around.

Yeah, or cut it in half. Or you're like, you know what? It really annoys him when I do this. Like, for example, my wife, when we got moved in together, she was like, just please don't play video games. She's like, I just find it so unsexy to see a man playing, like, video games. And I was like, that's fine. So if I was ever going to do it, back then Steve Berg had whatever was placed. I would go to his house.

So there is a very easy solution if you're like, this is about me and him. But if it's about what's best for Mrs. Gingerbread, that is a different pitch. So if you can kind of narrow down what you're kind of hoping to hear a pitch on, I think it'll help the pitches. I think I'm hoping that his mind could be changed. Then I have a pitch. You talk to him that way and you make up songs about him. He's jealous.

He doesn't realize that, and it happens when people have kids, but you're like, we've got this wonderful thing. I've got the sweetest woman in the world, and now she's so sweet to them and not me. So if he just gets a little...

A song about him. If he gets a little bit of a... I know he's going to reject it at first because he's scared. Yeah. Because he's scared. He's scared to admit... That does track. He's scared to admit he's jealous of a goddamn cat. I really... Because the cat's out there purring her ass off while you're petting her stomach and you're going, you are the greatest, you are the greatest. And he's sitting on the couch going...

I mean, I fucking worked all day too. There was a time where I used to lay on my back and she'd pet my stomach and look at me like that. So we might just have to read. I mean, I hope you're right. I've got a pitch too. By the way, the I hope you're right is the real premise of this show. Title. Yes. What's your pitch? Well, I think, I just feel like maybe he's jealous that you have a great voice and great songs.

Like, I genuinely, like, think... You really feel that way, Garrett? I do. I feel like if I'm just trying to put myself in his head space. Jake, you'll admit when we heard the songs, they were way better than you thought. Yes, but the voice at the beginning was harder to take than I thought. It's a hard thing to hear. So the voice is, you know, whenever... If I hear someone do a baby voice, I'm not thinking...

like a couple calling each other baby all the time. I'm not thinking like, God, am I jealous? They got a great voice. I'm thinking, my God, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. Yes. So the voice... But to Mrs. Gingerbread, it feels amazing. But to Mrs. Gingerbread, it feels amazing. So... Like, look at the look on her face in that picture. Yes. Honestly, it looks like she took ketamine. Mrs. G loves it. So...

Here's my pitch, and I don't know if it's going to work. I don't even know. I don't know if it's going to solve it, but why not write a duet for you and your partner to sing to Mrs. G and let your partner feel what it's like to sing a song to the cat in a voice and see if that can bring your partner over to your side. I think the jealousy and feeling excluded. I like that. Do you think that would work, Irene? Well, he is a musician, and so maybe he is a little threatened. Oh, my God.

Yes. Okay. I thought this was a weird path, but I think this is right. He plays bass and he was in a band before COVID and then they just gave up. He hates the loose cake. Yes, this is right. He's a guy with a bass. So maybe he sees my career thriving in the kitchen. Yes, he lives with Robert Plant of Cats. He lives with Robert Cat. So Irene, I think Gareth is right. I think what you ask him to do is say, will you do me a favor as an experiment and

Will you drop a very simple bass line, but do you, you're a great musician, to this song? And I want to see how the cat responds. And then no matter how she responds, you go, she has never responded this strongly. Also, if I may, let's leave that where it is, because if we like it, I don't want to talk past the cell. But we could also record this.

And when you two are hanging out and you're trying to watch Married at First Sight, off in the corner on the computer, you could put on the new hit cat single for Mrs. Gingerbread to hear a little bit too, to not feel like you... So you mean he records his bass, she records her singing, right?

They had it. Yes. We have a song. A song that we can play on this show and help other cats. But here's what I would say at first. I think we end there, Gareth. But I think the first one, they got to improvise together. Yes. And they've got to find it. Make it feel like part of the process.

By the way, also, Irene, I think Gareth is right. There is a way to get him involved in this and say, so I called in this show because I know the thing is annoying and they found out you were a musician too and have asked us to put together a song that's three minutes long

That's the exact song you were singing with some of his bass. And is that something he'd be willing to do with you? I think he would. Then we bring you Brothon for a follow-up where we play the song, we talk about it, and now we are getting past the bad voice because now he's just part of it.

Yes, I think what we have is sideline syndrome. Sideline syndrome, I love. And then we experiment with different types of bass riffs, really find out what Mrs. Gingerbread likes the most. And to that point, make your partner feel, oh, that's good. That's a good idea, honey. Give a couple of those. Oh, and here's another. This is how we really sneak it into him.

At one point you need in this song, a great Sonny and Cher moment that he needs to sing too, but he also needs to find his weird cat voice. Chorus. So that you're going like, yes. He doesn't like singing because he doesn't, he says, oh, I don't have a good voice. And I'm like, I don't have a good voice, but I love it. But for this, you just need him. You're like, for the fun of it. Harmonize. Harmonize. Yeah, yeah. But he's also got to be doing his version of your voice.

Or his own. But it's like, you know, based off of yours, I'd be like, just make it sound, you know, harmonized with this. And you guys find it together. It's fun. It's silly, whatever. But then you do it for the cat and you love it. So now it's not your annoying thing. It's your guys' annoying thing. And he's like, it's working.

I do like that. I did try to get him involved in making a short horror movie starring Mrs. Gingerbread. And I said it would be about a couple where they move in together and everything's great. But then she starts singing and talking to the cat in a special voice. And it gets crazier and crazier. And he said it was too close to home. Yeah. Let's just stick with what we got here. Let's land this plane.

Yeah, I think it's like the Temple of Doom. The more details we hear sometimes from you, the scarier it gets. I think we've got a good zone right now that'll bring him into the spotlight a little bit. We're just trying to get him in, and we're trying to get him to admit that

The cat likes it. Yes. And allows you to do it. I really think it's coming from jealousy. And he's a musician. And when you revealed the music, it was way better than we thought it was going to be. So are you going to do it? This is a piece off. Yeah, I am. Okay. I think honestly, Mrs. G just has great taste. I think you're right. And so will you follow up with us?

Yes. Yeah. Either way, but ideally the follow-up might have the new hit single. I would love 100%. Yeah. Yeah, I will. And then to take us out, will you give us a little bit more of the song? Yeah, do you want the original one? The original one's the best. Yeah. So just remember, because it's 20 minutes, we're going to fade this out. So at some point, just hang up. Give us a taste and then we'll say goodbye to you. Or Rob, can we hang up or...

Yeah, we can hang up on her. Rob's ready to go. So just start singing it off. And Rob, we're going to give you the problem. What if Rob hung up right now? That would be not great for the show, but the best bit. Comedy, it's the move. But so let's take us out. And then this is going to be the end of this call. So we're done talking. We appreciate it. And the floor is yours. Okay, this goes out to Rob.

I love you, Mrs. Kinderbrand. You're the perfect little candy. I love you, love you, love you. I'm always thinking of you. I hope that you're thinking of me.

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Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi. How you doing? Hi. I'm good. How are you? Good. Can we get your first name, please? Yeah. My first name is Allie. Allie. And where are you calling from, Allie? L.A. L.A.? What part? I live in Manhattan Beach. Manhattan Beach. Okay. And about how old are you, Allie? I'm 28. Okay. And what do you do for work? I am graduating medical school in four months. I love it. Wow. And what's your favorite hobby?

My favorite hobby is watching sports. Watching football. Who's your team? The Rams. Ooh, the Rams. Okay. And if you were to see one animal in the wild, what would it be? If I wanted to see one? Yeah, dream animal. You're in the wild by yourself. You pick the terrain. You turn a corner. You see blank. What are you seeing? Elephants. An elephant. And how come? What do you like about an elephant?

They're gigantic and smart and independent.

Okay. And amazing. I think we know what you're looking for in a love interest. That's right. If any guys are listening, that's the... We're looking for elephant men. A gigantic, smart, independent thinker. Allie, we got a nice little picture of you, I think. What can we do for you? Okay, so I am calling in because my mom...

mom tells this story that she thinks is super funny, but is actually really uncomfortable for my sister and I. And so the story goes that she'll be talking about, um,

you know what like just like funny things that she says and she'll say when i was when the girls were younger i would say be safe have fun and always wear a condom and that's like kind of the punch line of her joke for anything it's like people just say like yeah i always told the girls when they were in high school to have fun be safe and always wear a condom and it never hits

Everyone is always just super, it's just awkward. And my sister and I, she's gotten into the habit of telling this story more and more. I think like she's told it and then it's just gotten to her head and so she's telling it more and more at like the events and stuff like that. And so most recently on Thanksgiving,

She, my sisters, we did it all with my sister's boyfriend's family. And she told the story again in front of like his parents, his sister and his nieces and like everyone just, it never hits the way I think she thinks it's hitting. And my sister and I just sit there awkwardly and then worse is that she

she never said this to us neither my sister nor i what a twist ever saying this to us and so she always asks us to like finish the line for her like land the joke and we're always just like

You never said this. And so my sister is also kind of in on this with me. And this was her idea to call in. And how do we get our mom to stop telling this story? Do you want to bring her sister in real quick? Sure. Yes, please. Hi. Hi. Okay. Who are you? Because we're talking to Allie.

Oh, you are. This is Sam. Sam. Okay. Okay. Allie, Sam. Sam, Allie basically laid out the problem that your mother says she ends her goodbye to you story was saying always wear a condom. Yes. And you have the boyfriend who you just had Thanksgiving with and she told it in front of your boyfriend's family and it bombed?

Yes, it bombed. It was his parents, his sister, her husband, and their two very young children and our good family friends. What? Who she's never met before. What is her reaction when this bombs? She just has, it does not register at all? Not at all. Zero. Like she thinks it is.

a hit time after time. And honestly, I think she thinks it gets me every time she tells it. Will you do me a favor really fast? Will you do an impression of your mom telling the story? So we'll be in a gathering. Literally anything else could be the topic of conversation. And she'll go, um,

Oh, you know what I always say to you guys, girls, what is it? Have fun. And then she'll lean to us and we have to go, always wear a condom. And she'll go, have fun, always wear a condom. And then it's pretty much silent in the room. And when did this start?

I want to say about a year ago. I mean, maybe she had done it here and there before, but it's really picked up speed. It has. Yeah. So it just picked up steam. Every gathering now, it's a story. So the only thing I can relate to on this is when my dad and I got close when I was in my late 20s, I lived with him and we went out with all of his friends once.

and we were all ordering food, and I asked for, like, you know, chicken or whatever, and my dad in front of the whole group goes, Jesus, you eat chicken now? This guy would never touch a bite of chicken his whole life. And it just wasn't true. That happens with parents. And I went like, I do like chicken. He was like, since today, the guy loves chicken. And I go, and I was so, I went like,

I called him Croco at the time. I was like, Croco, I don't know what you're talking about. He's like, this guy would never eat chicken. Now, chicken this, chicken that. And everybody's laughing as if I'm embarrassed about the fact that I ordered chicken. But I was like, this is as weird of a two minutes as I've been in in a long time. So question about your mom. Do you think she knows this is a made-up story or do you think she thinks that

This is what I said to him. She thinks this is true. She definitely thinks this is true. But you guys are sure it's not? She's never said this. First of all, it insinuates that we were going out in high school every time to go have sex. And also that you guys have penises.

And that you never ripped up the penises you don't have. That's fair. Because she's saying to you guys, put a condom on. Always wear a condom. It makes... Yeah. I mean, that is... Somebody's got to have a condom. Let's not sleep on that point. She is asking you two to always wear a condom, her female daughters. But...

I guess it suggests that one is used at some point. Yeah, but it's still weird. Here's the luxury of this position because I didn't realize this when the call started. You have to be the punchline to this non-joke. I didn't either.

Right. She makes us finish the line. The difference is they have a line. They have to hit a line in order for the mother to get what she wants out of this situation. So to me, the easy solve is change the line. Exactly right. We need to attack mom's stupid premise with an ending that's even a bigger loser. Or Gareth, rather than a bigger loser because she doesn't read the room,

So she's missing and thinking she's hidden. I know where you're going. Yeah. And I fear if we said something, she would just double down on her. So here's what I would say. What's the setup again? Be safe. And the story is have fun. Have fun. Be safe. And always leave a condom behind for your mom. Always wear a condom.

So she goes, no. And you go, that was the old saying. You always said, always leave a gram of cocaine and a condom behind for mom.

Because then she'll go, that's not the same. And you'll go, then, Allie, you go, that was the old joke. That's the thing I remember. That's what I remember. If you two have it in unison, it's great. Yes. I think Jake's fully right. We need to turn the gun on her. Because then she'll go, I don't like that story. I like the cute story that I'm funny and a cool mom. Especially if it hits. Yes. If it hits. She's the butt of the joke.

It's great. And this is perfect timing because we're about to go into like a bunch of Christmas parties where my sister and I will both be there. I feel like we almost need to like go bigger because it's like almost too close. And then she'll just be like, no, no, no. You always were a concept. Is this Sam talking? Yes, that was Sam. So Sam, give us a hint of what would be bigger and stop your mom in her tracks. Be safe, have fun, and...

I don't know. That's maybe what's our problem. Yeah, we need you. I got one. Yeah. I got one. Mom conceived us on her head. Mom conceived us on her head. It's just, it's really wordy. That might be too much of a riddle. Yeah, I agree. What would be something in terms of your mom's personality that would be really embarrassing? Mom wears a butt plug.

Mom loves butt plugs. Have fun, be safe, and mom loves butt plugs. Or something like don't take my butt plug. Don't take my butt plug is great. Or have fun, be safe, and don't use my vibrator. Oh, God. Sorry. I think we're still getting the embarrassing end of this. By the way, you're right. Or how about this? Have fun, be safe, and your mom loves to masturbate.

And then she'll go, oh, my God. And you'll go, that's what you used to always say to us.

How about always have a side piece? Always have a side piece is pretty good. I like that. I think going back to the scandal or even like drugs and alcohol, she's very anti any kind of drinking. I think that would play on more of like her brand. Do you want a drinking punch? She does, like a party drinking one. Sure. What is something of your guys' – Yeah, because that's her thing. What is your guys' –

What about something like, and your mama loves to get turnt up? At the very beginning, I think Garrett said like, and always do an eight ball or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like James too, but yeah. And always do an eight ball. Always have an eight ball. Is everybody good? I almost think that would be great because there will be some people that understand that and some that don't. And then I think that would be funny. All right. So let's try again, guys. So then you guys are going to try to say at the same time and always, what is it? Always have or always do an eight ball?

I would say always have an eight ball because that's like a just in case. I've never done an eight ball, so I don't know the lingo. Neither. Gareth is our best bet here. Tell you what, it goes faster than you think. Sounds like a lot until you're doing it. That would be a great finishing of it. Sounds like a lot until you're doing it. I mean, great thing for merch.

Hey, Paul. Sounds like a lot. It goes really fast once you start doing it. We're here to help. Sounds like a lot until you're doing it. She's like, what? And we're like, it sounds like a lot until you're doing it. Here's what you can do. Okay, that's what you do. You guys can do it together. So you don't have to say it at the same time. It could be a tag team. So what we could do is we can have Allie say...

Remember, an eight ball sounds like a lot. And then Sam says, until you're actually doing it. I think that's pretty great. As if your mom is teaching you to get more cocaine. Yes. Yes. He's going to be mortified by that. So, Allie, why don't you say, remember, an eight ball sounds like a lot. And then, Sam, you say, until you're actually doing it.

Okay. So let's try it. Let's try it. The mom, here we go. Okay, well, it's like I always told the girls when I was dropping them off. Have fun, be safe, and... An eight ball sounds like a lot. Only until you're doing it. Pretty close. Yeah, practice a couple times. Give a little sing-song. See who's comfy. Should we swap roles? Yeah, let's try swapping roles. Let's swap roles. Okay, so Allie, you take the point. Okay. Well, it's like I always told the girls. Have fun, be safe.

An eight ball sounds like a lot until you're doing it. By the way, that's right. I think that's the right comment. And add if you need to, and an eight ball. Just make sure whoever started, use a transitionary word to make sure you're connecting to mom. Yeah. Got it. All right, let's try one more. One more. It's like I was going first. The order we just did was right. Allie's second.

Okay. Okay. It's like I always told them, have fun, be safe. And an eight ball sounds like a lot. Only until you're doing it. That's it.

Guys, he killed it. I will tell you, some people won't get it. Those who do will really crack up that your mom told you. An eight ball sounds like a lot until you're doing it. But here's why that's okay, Jake, because the problem is that mom is already bombing on her terms. At least now we're bombing and the onus is on mom. That mom has advised her young daughters to get more cocaine. Less interested in doing the bit now.

And then I think it also switches it to like the people that laugh and then the people that don't are going to be like, wait, what does that mean? Why is that funny? And it immediately moves on the conversation. I think this is exactly right. Guys, please try to have fun.

a family member, another sibling, a cousin, a friend who's in on it to get a cell phone and fake so no one can see they're filming it, pretend they're texting, but see if we can get this interaction when you know it's going to happen. Yeah, you know it's coming. We know. Set something up so we can see this. If it's just audio, that's fine. If we could get it on video, it would be a goldmine. And let me say this.

You can't rehearse this too much. You want to stick the landing and make it right. So go through it 20 times. And then please, please follow up with us, guys. Please. We will. This is perfect. Thank you so much for your help. We appreciate you guys. Thank you. Bye, guys. Bye.

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Hi. Hello. Hi. Welcome back to the show. This is a follow-up. You're on with Jake and Gareth and new producer, Jesse. Hi, Jesse. Hello. So can you remind us who you are? Could you tell us what your issue was? Could you tell us what we advised you? And could you tell us what's happening? Yeah.

So I had called in about my cat, Mrs. Gingerbread, and the songs that I love to sing to her and the special voice that I do. Oh, yes. Yeah. The best songs. The best. Thank you. My partner, Derek. And you hated them. Yeah, hated. But things have taken a turn now. Hold on, sir. Sir, we will get to you. Be quiet, sir, for once. I know, I know. I'm not the one you're rooting for.

Sir, you are not the star of this call yet. So, first of all, you had wonderful songs, right, Gareth? Oh, the, like, Bohemian Rhapsody-level cat song. And what was our advice to you? It was to work with Derek, who's actually a musician. A musician, right. On recording the song. Laying down a trap. The Ballad of Mrs. Gingerbread. Right. Right. And...

Take it slow. What happened? Well, first of all, I do want to say that Derek felt a bit misrepresented by the call that I had with you guys. We'll get to Derek. I just love how Derek's victimizing himself. You know what I mean, Jake? It's just like, it's just so on brand. No, but everything has changed since we made this song together. I feel that

There is a sense of harmony in the household that wasn't there before, and you guys really were here to help. Well, listen, I don't know if you know that. That's what we call the actual podcast, which is crazy. Jake, should we hear from Derek for a minute? We've badgered him, silenced him, maybe. Yeah, I'm okay with it. Derek, you have the floor. Please speak to your truth and tell us what we're missing and tell us how you're feeling. Yeah. No, well, I haven't heard the original podcast yet.

But I was under the impression that it was about her cat voice, not the cat song. Yes. Well, I think it was about both a little bit. It was about you do a little voice that he does not like, and then you do songs that he hated. I think it was the reverse. I hated the voice. The song was okay. I mean, the song was great.

I think now you would say that the song's great. Before maybe there was an issue. And is the cat, Derek, is the cat yours? Am I mistaken? No, yeah. She came with me from the animal shelter. She's become mine. Yes, right. Can we hear the cat voice just to remind everyone what that is, please? Well, I think it's one of our discus. It's so cute. Maybe she's kidding with us.

And Derek, when you hear that voice, what are your thoughts? Well, in small doses, it's okay, but I hear it a lot. It's like having a, it's like a Cartman sort of. Wow. That's. I don't disagree. By the way, once you hear it, you can't unhear it. Can we hear it a little bit more and think about Cartman for a second? I'm,

I mean, I just do what feels right for me and he's great. It's there. It's there for sure. It's definitely there. Here's the thing is that Derek does have a cat voice and I had blocked it out when I called you guys and was like, he doesn't believe in special cat voices. It's not true. I had just blocked his out because I didn't like his.

Derek, can we hear yours please, sir? It's only fair. Well, my cat voice is just, it's an occasional, it's like an accent on my regular voice every once in a while. So I just call her and like, hey, Mr. Gingerbread, you want to come in and get some dinner? Kind of like that. Could you just do it a little more please, Derek? Do it a little longer please, Derek. It's time for your meds, Mr. Gingerbread. Come on, let's go get your meds.

So there's a twang. We've got a twang. Can we hear both of you guys talking to the cat together in your voices? Yes. Mr. Brand, you've got to come over and get your food. What are you doing, Mr. Brand? Gareth, how do you talk to your cat? Let's be honest here. I'm trying to think because, you know, this is a very private thing, but it would be like... It would be like...

Oh, little buddy. Who's my little buddy, huh? Yeah, little guy. Oh, it'd be like that. Okay. So we're getting a picture of what's happening here. And Jake, how do you talk to your gorilla in the yard that's made of stone? Come here. Give me a little kiss. I won't tell nobody if you don't tell nobody I love you. So question for you two. What happened with the song? Walk us through that. Take us home on this. What happened? Derek, do you want to or should I?

You go ahead. I mean, it just felt so natural and organic, I feel, of a process. It really, I think because Derek's a real musician and I'm, I mean, I guess I'm a little bit real, but he really is a musician. Yeah. And so it really just, it just felt like it was flowing out of us, mostly out of Derek. Really? Yeah. So what you're saying is essentially, oh, go ahead, Derek.

No, I was going to give you guys some more kudos because the advice also did help me. Like I had to dust off my cobwebs and get back into the music mindset. And that really did that. So it was good. So where are we kind of headed is you guys made a song for the cat. Derek, you kind of got back into it.

And so we have a Mr. Mrs. Gingerbread song. Now, are we able to listen to the Mrs. Gingerbread song? I would hope that that would be. We do have the song. Yeah. Thank you, Jesse. Do you guys want to say anything before we in the audience hears this song? I think it speaks for itself. Yeah. Okay. Definitely. Derek, you feel the same way? Yes. Do you want to dedicate it to Mrs. Gingerbread and your voices real quick and then we'll throw to it?

Mr. Gingerbread is actually walking in the room. That's you, Mr. Gingerbread. Yay. Okay. Derek, did you just do her Mr. Gingerbread voice there? I believe so. And we're seeing a big voice. It's confusing right now. I don't know where I am, what my voice is. I fully understand. You just mirrored and it worked. Yeah. We've got a picture of Mrs. Gingerbread who's adorable. Let's hear it.

We'll cut this silent part out. Or keep it in. Who knows? Okay, sure. It's part of the song. Oh, you start with a minute of... I like that. I would cut that next time, though, yeah? Yeah, next time I just... Will you release this on Spotify? I think people will think it's not working. I mean, I think that's the only issue. We did fight over the silence a bit. Yeah, the creative... How long is the silence, by the way? More or less than five minutes? I'm being told it's five minutes on the dot. Ah, let's get rid of it. Yeah, I agree. Let's cut it.

Oh, wow. This is... I like it. I love it. This is... Beautiful. It's great. This is going to be huge for you guys. This cat's changed. This is big. I know, I'm scared. You should be. Your cat's ready to go cocaine? It's great.

It's funny because we kind of know the acapella version to hear it sort of translated into a song. We get a sense of Derek, and this is the couple. Yeah, right. Oh, my God. You know what we'll do at the end of this, at the end of the episode? We'll just play this song without us talking over it. Yes. In case people just want that, too.

This is a, you know what? If anybody's getting married, please somebody do this as your first dance and film it. This is. This is a first dance at a wedding. It would be incredible. Can you imagine? Or like a father-daughter dance. Oh my God. Or a mother-groom dance. Incredible. A grandma looking around like, what the fuck? The pitch of it being at a wedding is awesome. This is also great at a Halloween party.

Like a spooky hug and bounce. It really does feel like in a John Hughes movie when the main character finally gets the person they want, and there's like a scene where they're kind of dancing finally. I beg any of our listeners, try to have sex to this song. Please, and we are begging people. Follow up. Sorry, we don't mean to sour what is a beautiful cat song, but please. Please.

If you're hearing this song and you're going to have sex with this song. Or whatever you do to it. If you can work out to it, imagine lifting really heavy weights to this. Sure. Sex is great. Chunky little monkey. Or play this for a kid as it's going to bed if you have a young kid. This could be like their lullaby song. That's kind of purring at the end. Oh, listen. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. The end. Yes.

Oh, yeah. 10 out of 10.

10 out of 10. Wow. I'll be honest, too. Not only is it great. Did you go through this, Jake? I saw three minutes, 10 seconds, and I thought, whoa, long. It flew by. Agreed. It's really good. It was great, guys. Thank you. It's great. We knew there was a three-minute limit, but we thought it was so good that it would be okay to go past that.

that well the ending is great it's a great little uh wrap up I ask our listeners too and we will actually just do the same thing at the end where we won't talk over it if it inspires anything in your life let us know that could there could be a follow-up just to the song totally

I think that's a real, we're here to help banger. I love it. I think it's the best original piece of music that we've been involved in as producers, which we are technically, legally. The question is twofold. One, do you feel like we've solved this? Can we ring the bell? Yes, of course. And two, yes.

Do you think there's going to be more songs? Great questions, Gareth. Let us know what the answer is. Derek, do you want to take this one? Well, I mean, the voice is still kind of not great, but the song is awesome. And we're making more music. We are. I'd say it's a win.

But, Dee, let me tell you something about your voice, which I have told you before is that when I met Derek, I was so enamored. And then one time, maybe a few months in, I heard the voice, his cat voice. And I thought it was the first time I thought, could I listen to this every day?

Well, I think you're talking about the way I call her into a room. Yeah. And that is... Yeah, and you know that. Let's hear it. Hold on, Derek, let's hear it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Derek, can we hear what happens when you call that cat into a room? Brace yourself. Are you ready? Sure. Well, I can't believe we had this whole call without hearing that. That's shocking. I mean, it's shocking to come at the bottom of the ninth. Derek, even tell us that's what...

Derek, how could you not have let out with that? Well, Derek, listen, we love you. You're part of the team. Remember when we said do a voice and you said, it's just a little southern at the end. And then you did like, it's just my regular voice with a ting. And then we end on this. Yeah. I don't think you can be throwing stones, Derek. Can you just really fast call how you call the cat three times at a little bit louder of a volume so we could just hear it cleanly? Me? Yeah.

Yes. All right.

It's a gingerbread! Question for you two lovebirds. Where did you two guys meet? How did this thing start? And imagine if you had. Okay, Cupid. Okay, Cupid. So this has to be a wild advertisement. Guess what? We just got a new sponsor. Yeah. Oh, my God. They're back. If you are one in a billion, we might have a match for you. Hello, Mrs. Gingerbread. Okay, Cupid. Okay, Cupid.

Both of your families were like, they're wonderful. They got a weird thing with cat voices. Thank God. Yeah. Well, listen, you two, we appreciate it. Also, just before we let you guys go. Jake, I'm going to hit it before we go. Oh, you got the bell. Yeah, I got the bell. I know it doesn't register on Zoom, but the bell's been rung. We've rung the bell. Thank you. We love it. We love this song. What's next for you two lovebirds? I think we're going to keep making sweet music together.

Great. Oh, yeah. You guys going to do more cat stuff or other stuff? Where are you guys at? Yeah, maybe like we're thinking of calling it the Ginger Band or Mrs. Ginger and the Breads. Ooh. I like that. Ginger Band. If you guys name your band and make new songs, will you send it to us and we'll just put

At the end of an episode, we'll just do a quick, do a little intro. This is the gingerbread presenting and we'll just throw it on. Could be Mrs. Gingerbread and the Helpers too. Just a pitch just to get our stuff out there a little bit. Oh, that's interesting. Not a bad idea. All right, Derek. Cool attitude, Derek. Cool attitude. It's just like the producers that come in to change everything and

Hey, it's just a pitch, okay? It's just a pitch, Derek. I actually thought it was a great pitch, my man. It's a great pitch, Jake, but you know what? Derek's difficult to work with, as some artists are. And listen, we love the music, we love the product, but look, I mean, you know, maybe... Derek's difficult. Derek, will you yell for the cat one more time?

It's pretty good. So what, let's really quick pitch on names for the band. What do you guys want the name of the band to be? I think it should be Mrs. Ginger and the breads. And he thinks it should be the ginger band. I know. And I have a new one though. My new one is Mrs. Gingerbread and the ginger band, which I thought was, what do you guys think? I like, I like the first one. And it's not because Derek and I have beef. What was the first one again?

Mrs. Ginger and the Breads. Yes. Mrs. Ginger and the Breads. I've asked several people, and everyone prefers that one. Oh, really? Yeah. It's weird. Sometimes, Derek, your picker's off. I don't know. Well, listen, you two, we're going to let you go. We appreciate the call. Please send us the music as it comes in. We're big fans. Yep. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you, both of you guys. And tell Mrs. Gingerbread hi from the show. Okay, I will. I appreciate you guys. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

I have my sweet window is Mrs. Gwen, Mrs. Gin, the deep white you are. Mrs. Gin, all the of you. Mrs. Gin, shape you of you. You're fair, Mrs. Ginger, my junkie. Which is of you, so really special. You're very strong, super special. Yes.

- All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com/heretohelppod.

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