144: My Strange Q-Tip Addiction & The I Hate Brittany Club
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And we are back! Episode...

Season two. Is it season? I mean, it really was just a small break in the grand scheme. I like breaking it up into the idea of seasons so that the show can have its own life. Well, that way we can pursue the love interests on the show. Yes. You and I, there's a will they won't they, which I think you're, the audience is really going to enjoy. What is the will they won't they between you and me? I don't know.

Will they do the same diss or won't they? Yes, you know. You know one of us will. Both of us. You know we will, yes. Will the audience feel like, I think this is the same one as episode 60 and you and I will go, I think we're treading in new waters. It might be. We

We don't know. Um, we, uh, well, it was funny when we were going through all the talk about coming back, we were very much, we were sharking it up between us. We were shark tanking, calling each other, Robert and Babs, Bobby and Babs. Uh, there was a lot of that going on. And I will say, I think we did probably hold to those characters for the most part as we were talking through that. Um,

But, yeah, I mean, here we are, 2025. The show's cooking. Things are good. Do you do New Year's resolutions? I feel like you don't. I do. I'm not insanely into them, but I am a list person. What does that mean? You do a New Year list?

Yeah, but it's not on, I'm always making lists of things I want to do in a year. Okay. That's why one of the reasons I'm always into like new stuff. Yes. Like I like getting into new stuff. I like going really hard on it and seeing as far as I can go with it. And then I will create a new list and get into new stuff.

Does, are any, does that, will there be any additions to the yard? Because I know people have taken interest in your, your setting up a sort of Beetlejuice yard. My great friend Brian Farrell just gave as a Christmas gift, great, got me one of the, a great gift. And it was this drawing of a rhino.

and I'm putting it right under the rhino's head in the little office. And, you know, my buddy Dave and I... Your office is going to look like you're a poacher.

I got to tell you, it's just the decade of animals. What does that even, to you that makes sense, and then to those of us hearing it, it's a big what. Here's what's different, Garth. You're teasing me, but your skin is the skin of animals. What does that even mean? Show me your arms. What does that even, oh, what, because I have tattoos of animals? Of animals. Now you're busted.

Now you're busting chops. I might have a picture on my wall. I might have it in my jacket. But here's the difference. I can throw it out. What, are you going to cut your arm off? Listen, I'm not even listening to you right now, but here's what I'm going to say.

I make you this promise. I make you this promise. If I pass away, God forbid, I had a great life. I get your arms? No. You get my head. I want you to put my head. Pass. Give me your left arm. It's a huge gift. What are you going to do, my arm coming out of a wall like I just fell through it? Speaking of, I just saw something I don't know is real where they were embalming bodies of

of loved ones and putting them under glass in people's homes. This is good. I offer this to you. As like a coffee table. I offer this to you. A coffin table. I offer this to you. By the way, wouldn't that be a hell of a bet?

This is our... This might be the seeds of a lifelong... Let's let it have a minute to marinate. It's got to actually breathe. And let's come back with coffin table pitches for each other. Because if it could be...

Because what a responsibility. You got to deal with the whole, like, it's the worst thing you could do to somebody and go, at the will, this person gets my money, this person gets my house. I want to be in the gates. Gareth has to deal with my body. We have a picture of it up right now. Oh, my God. That is it. That is crazy. So, wait, by the way, really quickly, Rob, will you introduce yourself a little bit? Yeah. Yeah.

Hello. I'm Rob. Okay. That's about it. I'll be helping you guys. Well, Rob and I, we met a couple years ago doing Dax's podcast. Yep. And then have just kind of kept in touch throughout. You are an animal. You've done a ton of podcasts. You're such an animal, you should be in Jake's office. Yeah.

Or tattooed on your arm. Yeah, exactly right. The problem is, Garrett, is you had me until I realized your arms are all animals. Those are personalized. You're living the poacher life. I have animals that have touched my personal existence. Go to the zoo. I got a rhino head. You go to the zoo. You're going to get a rhino crying on your lower back to think about it. Not above that at all. Loved Sparky. 2025. Sparky.

How are we doing on our calls, buddy? We got our first caller, if you guys are ready. All right. Well, Rob, we're excited to have you. We're excited to have the call. I'm excited to be embalmed in Jake's little weird office, and he can eat pancakes off of me. And we're excited. So we're going to do a session. Without further ado. Without further ado.

Okay, hello there. Hi, how's it going? Good, how are you? Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, your rough age, and where you're calling from, please?

Rough age. My name is Brittany. I'm 30 and I'm from Austin, Texas. Oh, beautiful. You like Austin, Jake? Yeah, I do. It's a great town. Really fun. Brittany, Jake's been asking this and it seems to be, you know, a little hit or miss, but what's your favorite animal, jungle or domestic?

Favorite animal or like one that I'd want to see in the jungle? This is a dealer's choice, Brittany. Yes. Just tell us your reasoning why. Just tell us your reasoning why. Follow-up's interesting in general. Agreed. Even just the question. Is it attacking me or? Or am I attacking it? We got everything we need. To eat or pet?

Well, if I'm off-limits from getting hurt, like they can't attack me, I'd want to see one of those 30-foot giant anacondas. Okay, fair. Very interesting. Look, I'm

Great answer. It's like nightmare fuel, and I don't know if I believe that they're actually real. They're real. So, like, if I knew them in space, I'd want to see that in real life. All right, great. Hell of an answer. Great answer. Opens up a Pandora's box of painting who you are. We should do Rorschachs on you. All right, Brittany, well, what are you calling for? What's going on? Okay, so a bit of backstory. My best friend, Shimmy, just moved back to Austin. Did you say Shimmy? Yeah. Are you Shyam? Shimmy. Are you Shyam? You said Shimmy.

Shimmy? Shimmy. Her real name, her full name is Shimira, but she goes by Shimmy. And she also listens to the show, but I'm not telling her I'm calling. Okay. But yeah, so she just moved back to Austin from Hawaii where she was living with her family. And we were recently in the car together and she got a phone call. She starts

dying laughing on the phone. So obviously as a nosy best friend, when she gets off, I'm like, what are you laughing about? And she lets me know that there's this ongoing joke in her family that they all hate my guts and call her a traitor for moving to Austin and choosing me instead of staying with them in Hawaii. Um, let me interrupt for a second. Do they hate you only because she's moving or had they hated you previous?

No, it's like a joke. Just a bit. They hate you because they joke at you. But you find out halfway through a bit that you're like, you've been elevated to this villain status.

Exactly. Yes. And so she recently had to go back to Hawaii for a little bit to tie up some loose ends with her job. And she told me that all of the teasing continues. And so like an example of this would be she's laying on the couch about to fall asleep and her brother-in-law will come and cover her with a blanket and whisper in her ear and be like, now would Brittany do that? And so it's just like a funny bit that they're all doing and they don't know that I know about it. Hmm.

And so I'm looking for a way when I see them next to either prank them or get them a gift and like let them know that I'm cool and that I want to join the I Hate Britney Club because I'm not like a sensitive girl. I just want to be a part of it, you know? Well, I think the only way to be a part of it is to be the ultimate heel.

Yeah. I don't think you can be part of it and be like, I hate that bitch too. It's like, you are that bitch. Yeah. I think you've got to come in and be giving Shimmy more stuff. And everything you do, it's...

Can your family provide you with this? I don't think so. And then whenever anything's good, you're a WWE heel that's just letting them know they can't compete with you. So in front of them, trying to show off. Over the top. What I would actually do is take a couple of photos with you and Shimmy.

And say to Shimmy, hey, can I get like the family group text or however everybody does something? And go, I just want to say like a funny thing, a nice thing to everybody. And she'll go, sure. About like Austin. And then have a photo of being like when friends become family. And it's you guys together. Who needs – or you go, what's more important is not the family you come from but the family you choose. Yeah.

I like it. I think Jake's right. I think you have to lean into the heel part of it. I think you, you know, because first of all, it's good that you have a good sense of humor about this because I thought you were going to start and be like, it hurts my feelings. And so the fact that you like this, so this is what I would pitch. Why don't you...

Document and celebrate a new annual holiday called Shimmus, where you celebrate shimmy on a level that her family, not her birthday, but this is a celebration of shimmy that her family can never compete with. And let's get a piñata that looks like Hawaii or something like that. Or that looks like every member of the family. If possible. Let's have a fire where we burn leis.

And let's have a cake where we celebrate Shimmy on the cake. And all food is Texas themed. All food is Texas themed. Yes. It's Texas barbecue. The only barbecue. You're drinking Lone Star beer. Yeah. You have a shim wow, which is like a luau, but just way better. And why don't you get a picture of you and Shimmy that's framed. And at the bottom it says, all we need is each other. And then in real bold lettering, it just says all.

after that. And then you can film that and you can send it to the family to sort of show them that you are once a year inventing the shimmy holiday that makes, you know, it sweeps. I mean, I gotta say, I think we're both on the same page. It's... There's ways to be... I think you gotta be the heel. I like the shimmy holiday. I like the celebration of her, the push in it. And I like going to the family. What...

Brittany, where are you kind of at? Because our pitches are kind of similar and we're in one zone. Yeah. But let's hear where you're at. Lean in and go big. Okay. I definitely like that because I enjoy pranking. And like you guys said, I'm not a sensitive type at all. I'm just worried that I'm going to see them in person before I get to do this with Jimmy. Okay. Because I...

Okay. Potentially. I got a pitch. But what do you mean potentially then? Because originally they were supposed to be coming here for Christmas and I just found out yesterday that they may not be. So now I might have to see them in February for Shimmy's birthday and I might be going to Hawaii. So I'm thinking like some type of prank or gift and it's not a for sure thing. So I just kind of need some options. Okay. Well, you've got Shimmas. Yeah. Or something like that. Yeah, I love that. Love that.

Do you think Shimmy is down to play a role in this prank if you pull it off? Yeah, definitely. Okay, so this is another pitch, Jim. Okay. Let's set up a theatrical friend breakup.

Let's withhold the information that you know about this text thing. Or if you do, you're not bothered by it too much. Okay. Then when you're in person, set it up so that Shimmy reveals something about this and you pretend to freak out over it and storm out and make it seem like your feelings are overly hurt and

And you just hold, you know, just something where you're just like, I mean, the very idea that you guys would even do that, that is affecting our friendship to the point. I don't even want to do that. Storm out, right? Make them feel bad for 20 minutes. And then you come back in with some pineapple or something like that. Or you could also, you could just do something really easy too. You could just get a shirt made that says shimmies top five.

You're at the top and then different families are done and you just show up wearing it. So you're playing it really cool. You just like have a sweatshirt on at one point you take it on and you go like,

Somebody goes like, you know, you don't make a big stink of it so that one of the family members goes like, did you see Brittany's shirt? And it's Shimmy's favorite people. You're at number one. Number two is some other person in Texas. Three's like her mom. Four, her's her brother. And it just goes all the way down. And then at the end you go, this shirt was made by Shimmy and gifted to me.

I love that. Right. It's not hard to do. It's just a little gag. And so they just look at you and go, and then on the back, it says like, uh, Austin is better than Texas is better than Hawaii quote. And you go, or you go, or you just do a shirt with quotes and they're all shimmy. Or you could make, can I pitch the back of the shirt? Yeah.

The back of the shirt, it says Britney plus Shimmy. And then at the bottom, it's your combined couple name, which is Shitney. Okay. It's funny because we've actually said that before. Yeah. Or I would go on the back of the shirt. I would do something of a quote that feels over the top, but you say it was her, where she literally goes on the back and says, Britney, like quote, Britney,

I love you so much. I'm glad I decided to move to Austin and leave my family to be with you because you're more family. You've taught me more about family and our friendship than anyone has in my whole life and my real family. You know the saying, blood is thicker than water. Well, in our case, it's not. I love you more than I love my family. You're my number one.

Shimmy every day. Shimmy every day. Most days. I'm not even making a joke. This is every day. This is for real. And you can get those on Amazon. Every year I'll make my brother a different shirt that I'll have like direct quotes that go on way too long. So you could just have like a long quote shirt.

of like, you know. So I think something like that. So the family has to take a second and go, she is ridiculous. And you just go, and they go, what is that shirt? You go, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed I wore it. It's just something Shimmy says to me every day. Shimmy likes me to wear this most days. I forgot who I was around. And then you can even have in the shirt it goes,

If anybody in my family sees this, I'll have to deny it. But girl, we both know it's true. And then go like, I swear to God, I swear on my life, but I will deny it forever. And then maybe bring a couple different sizes for the family if they want. And then gift it. Okay, so get them some too. Yeah, maybe a couple, yeah. Gift it to the matriarch or the patriarch of the group. The oldest member of the group, you go like, hey, Papa, this is for you. Shimmy wanted you to have it. Shimmy wanted you to have it.

What do you think, Brittany? I think that that's honestly perfect. I was leaning towards some type of gift idea, and I think that's so over the top, and I just want to have a nice banter with them, so I think that that is perfect. And so walk us through, kind of improvise what the shirt's going to say.

And you'll do second drafts of this, but I don't want us to pitch you. I want you to pitch us. Well, you'll probably see the price and be like, I got to shave some letters out of this. I got to tell you, they're not bad. Okay, there you go. Yeah, you can get on. Where do you get it from? Go to Amazon, custom shirt, and then there's like 50 different companies that do it. You're not going to have an exact look you want.

But this is a gag shirt. It's just fine. Right. Yeah. So improvise a little bit of what the font, what it's going to say on that shirt. Okay. Okay.

Um, okay. So the back, obviously. Or the front. It could also just be the front. Yeah. The back is a great reveal though. Yeah. Okay. To take a jacket off and show the front and be like, oh, I forgot I was wearing this and then go up for a second. That's true. Oh, the back. I forgot the back. Oh, the back's almost worse for you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like the idea of the list. I like the idea of the list on the front. So, Demi's favorite people, and then it'll be me number one, and then her mom lives in Texas also, so I'll put her as number two. Maybe parenthesis because she lives in Texas. Yeah, that would hurt. Yeah, and then honestly, what if I skip number three and just put her in it? Does she have a dog? Yeah.

No. Keep going, Brittany. Keep going. I could put my cat. No, no, you're on fire. Keep going. Keep your instincts. Okay, so three is blank. One is you, two is mom, three is blank. What's four? Yeah, and then four is maybe like one of her nieces. Great. And then maybe I'll just like keep going and make sure to put her brother and, or her brother-in-law and her sister very last. Can five be like tied? Or can five just be a tie of everybody else? Yeah, I think so. Or five could be you again. Okay.

Yeah, I just keep putting myself. And then six in smaller font. Yeah. Everybody. Rest of family. My old family from Hawaii. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whatever their name is. Barely made it in parentheses or whatever. Yeah, exactly right. Okay. I think that's a fun start. And then what's on the back? Okay. In the back, maybe like.

My dearest best friend, Brittany, it's hard to put into words how much I love you and love you more than my family. Great.

I am choosing to move. I'm choosing to move to Texas because there really is no other option. Living with my family has been fun, but it just doesn't give me the same fulfillment out of life as when I was with you. Um,

They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case, it sure as hell is not. Yeah. In this case, blood is water. By the way, this is great. It's great.

And yeah, and then just at the bottom, like you guys said, like, obviously I would deny this if my family asked. Because they're so sensitive and they're such babies. Don't tell my family about this. Yeah. Yeah. Brittany, I think this is perfect. Will you take a photo of the shirt both sides for us?

Absolutely. You know what? If we can, since Shimmy's going to know this is going to happen, it wouldn't be terrible for someone to secretly film the reveal of the show. Oh, I totally agree. I mean, if we could get it. I totally agree. If you could find a way to do that without getting people knowing they're on camera, it would be more fun. And then last, before we go, you said if you knew you were safe...

You would want to see a 30-foot snake. How about no barriers, no safety? What animal do you want to see? Maybe like a toucan. Okay. Brittany, thank you for the call. What an amazing answer. Thank you. A toucan? We appreciate that. To say toucan like it's just on the top of your head. It's so fast. I mean toucan.

I mean, honestly, a toucan. All right, Brittany, go get them. Keep us posted. Yeah, let us know. All right. Thank you. Okay, we'll do. Thanks, guys. Bye. Thanks. Bye.

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This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace, as you know of listeners to our show, is a place where you can build websites and it's something we have used a lot for callers. Squarespace has been a great sponsor to us. Gareth Reynolds' website is Squarespace. It is easy to use and it is easy to build and we highly recommend it. I mean, we just love us some Squarespace. Look, there's a lot of

There's so much Squarespace has to offer. There's Squarespace payments, which is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place with Squarespace. You've got invoicing, which is an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business. You can invoice your clients. You can get paid for your services, turn leads into clients. Look, it's called the closer. That's why we call invoicing the closer.

Also sell your content. So Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website, like online courses, blogs, videos, and memberships, all that. Go to www.squarespace.com slash do the work to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Can we get your name, please? Sure. My name's Eva. Eva? Is that E-V-A? Yeah.

That is. Okay. And Eva, where are you calling from? I'm calling from upstate New York. Gareth, where do you go upstate? It varies. I, you know. Oh, you're being cool. Yeah, exactly. You know where Troy, New York is, Eva? I do, actually. I'm pretty close to Troy. My mother used to live there, spent a lot of time up there. Right on. We have something in common. So Eva, upstate, what do you do for work? I moved to Troy with your mom. Go ahead, Eva. I would honestly make love with your mother.

Okay, go ahead, Eva. Sorry, I went too far. Someone went nuclear? I just shot a rubber band at you and you dropped a bomb. I didn't go nuclear, son. I went honest. All right, let's just... I'm in love with your mother. It's really intense. And I want you to be my stepson. It's intense. And it's too much. So, Eva, I agree. You're not ready. You're just a punky teenager. And you're mad at your dad. You know I'm not going to fight that. For real.

First rule, no more tattoos. Eva, upstate, what do you do for work? I work for a nonprofit organization that works with families and just helps. I like that. If you were, Eva, what's your favorite animal all time? I mean, it's hard to not say dog. Interesting. Mine's duck. So it's hard to not say dog. How come?

Well, I just love them. They're hard to beat. And they love you. They're always happy to see you. Keep you active. You got a dog? I do have a dog. What do you call that thing? I call her Josie. But I also call her Bodie. Bodie, cute. And a chocolate frog. Chocolate frog, okay. And what kind of dog is Josie?

She is a Pitbull mix. She's a Pitbull Rottweiler German Shepherd. Okay, so Eva, we got a picture of you a little bit. We know your dog. What can we do for you today? Okay, so my problem is pretty straightforward, but it's been causing me a lot of issues. And it is that my boyfriend is addicted to Q-tipping.

Ugh. What does that mean? My question. Cleaning your ears out with a Q-tip? Yes. I thought this was going to be another butter face, Gareth. No. I thought Q-tipping was a whole thing and I was going to feel like a 75-year-old. He likes to sit on cotton. It's called Q-tipping. No. More straightforward. Yeah.

Okay. So my problem is that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, he doesn't chill with it. Gross. He's very much waiting for his next Q-tip in. Okay. What? Okay. Now, when you say, at what clip are we moving? Are we every day? Oh, my God, yeah. Like four times a day. Multiple times a day. Four times a day. All right. So where does he Q-tip?

Well, anywhere, and this is actually part of the problem, is that like yesterday or two days ago when I emailed, I found two used Q-tips on the coffee table. Oh. Disgusting. So he'll just be Q-tipping anywhere. But he can't be getting anything out. I mean, this is some sort of TLC shit. No, no, he's not. Yeah, so he's just kind of. He likes the way this sensation feels. It's like it is a strange obsession. Yeah.

He says, when I ask him, like, why do you Q-tip so much? He says it's because he has wet ears. He has wet ears? Yeah. Okay, he's inventing stuff. How long have you been with this guy? We're not going in that direction, Gareth. How long have you been with this guy?

Eight years in January. Okay. Oh, shit. All right. So the problem is you've been with a man for eight years. He Q-tips all the time, four times or more throughout the house and leaves the Q-tips on tables. Right. Not always, but enough. Okay, but sometimes. So what is the specific question we could try to help you with today? Okay. I guess the specific question is just like, do you guys have any –

creative ideas or just something that may not be immediately obvious to someone in the problem to get him to either just decrease or, you know, I guess decrease because like I, you know, I'm not against it every once in a while. But it's not good for you. He could burst his eardrums. Yeah. It's also just crazy. So, yeah, just

It's a good way of phrasing the question. You're not supposed to, I've kind of come up to this in my own life because I do like to clean my, but you're not supposed to use Q-tips. Yeah. Right, exactly. It's like impacts the issue more, but he's got a weird thing where he thinks his ears are wet, which isn't a thing. But we need to simplify this, Garrett.

I felt that, like, get out of the shower and, like, you're like, oh, I feel like my ears are a little wet. Yeah, because you just got out of the shower. But I feel that with my hair and my arm. Well, the reason you feel that way is because your ears are wet. Yes, because your ears have been underwater. It's not like he has a medical condition where he's got wet ears and he needs to, and even if you have a wet ear, it's fine. You know that weird thing when you get out of a pool and you feel like your body's wet? I hate that.

I have that allergic reaction to water too. But I'm going to try to get clean on this one, Gareth. So is he. The whole idea of this one is just because we're not going to go down the medical path with him, right? That's not really what the call's about, Eva, is it? Is it just you are getting grossed out? Or are you worried about him impacting his eardrums? I think, yeah, I think it's less being grossed out and more just that I'm like concerned for the health of his ears. Oh, it is more about the health. And I mean, it is.

Well, okay, I see what you're saying. No, it's bull, I guess. It's worth leaving it around. And it's expensive. Right, so you keep, so hold, but it's not. It's not. I mean, they sell Q-tips by the 3,000. So, Eva, I want you to take a deep breath here because I'm going to ask you a real question. And the only way we can pitch, because we can pitch and just be ridiculous and goofy, but I really do like when there's a problem, we really try to solve it.

So what is it that you actually don't like about this enough to call in a podcast?

Because Q-tips, you know, is he going to impact his ears? Maybe a little, but who gives a shit? If it's a health thing, none of us are doctors. You know, in five years, they're going to find out that we all should be doing it or whatever, and it's going to change. They're not expensive. It costs about $8 for 50,000 of those little Q-tips. This is endless. You cannot tell us you don't have the budget. I mean, literally. And don't make it that it's bad for the environment, too. It's like, what is the main reason that...

That you're just getting gross. And now I'm not, I'm saying what I think, but I could be wrong. So I want your main reason, not mine. But what my guess is you just don't like that your partner is always sticking Q-tips in his ear throughout the days. And it's kind of grossing you out.

Yeah, I think you got down to the bottom of it. And so I would like to think that it's because I'm concerned for the health of his ears. But I think I think it is just a little nasty at the end of the day. And if he did it, let's say, just in the bathroom and you didn't know about it and he threw them out, maybe you wouldn't think about it that much. But part of it is there's fucking Q-tips on your dining room table.

Yeah. He's too comfy, too. You should not be seeing it. What we need to do, and look, this isn't always a nice show. This is a bar show. You've come into a bar, and you've pitched your friends, and we need a solution. We've had a couple pops, and we don't like them already. 100% right. Okay.

So maybe. No, we don't. Well, Gareth, for sure. When you were going early on on how long you've been dating, I know you were thinking, get rid of old wet ears. Listen, there's a lot of guys with dry ears out there that are single. Who will not worry about how disgusting their bodies are. There's a lot of guys out there that have the opposite problem. Yes, agreed. But I think there's a game we could play here, even, where there's just a touch of shame.

Have you tried that? Have you tried shaming him? I guess it's over eight years. What have you done to this? Try. That's a good question. So shame is always, you know, a part of the game. Um, and it hasn't really worked. He's a, he's quite the contrarian. Um,

So, like, you tell him not to do something, and it makes him want to do it more for the most part so that, like, I feel like every time I try to shame him, it backfires, which is why this has, like, come to the point where I emailed in because, like, the straightforward solutions that I've attempted just haven't worked. What have they been? Let's hear everything you've tried to do, and how have you shamed him? I've...

Well, I guess more nagging with shame. I guess, you know, nagging, telling him the facts of like, you know, that's bad for you. You're not supposed to do it. I've not bought Q-tips, but he's a grown man, so he can just go buy Q-tips for himself, you know? But you've tried some moves. Okay. What's the most extreme measure you've done? God, I don't know. Probably just being annoying. I mean, it's kind of hard to like... Have you withheld anything that he likes?

No, and I know what you're... I'm just going down familiar roads. I'm just, you know, I'm just pitching familiar roads. And I want your take on it. Because there is a thing that he could be going and you go, you know, I'll tell you what turns me off a lot is seeing my man do his ears in the living room. And he'll go, well, I got to keep him clean. And then that night he goes like...

hey, little chocolate frog. And you go, that's what we call the dog. And he goes, you know what I'm getting at. And you go, all I'm thinking about is the sound of your fucking wet ears and that Q-tip, buddy. Turn the other side. Right? So there's always that path. There's always the path of fight fire with fire. And as he's cleaning his ears, you're cutting your toenails or you're picking nose hairs. Yeah, I was thinking about that. There's always those two paths.

are just standbys. So you've got those if you like them. And they still count as our pitches, Gareth, and if she doesn't, I still view it as a ringing the bell way. The bell's getting rung. Right? Yeah. No matter what happens, you can ring the bell. But you've listened to the show, so you know those pitches. But you're looking for something else, I'm guessing. Right.

I mean, I am. I know it's kind of a tricky one. But, you know, I was ready for the withholding. You don't want to do it. I mean, it's not my favorite idea. Yeah, I get it. I totally get it. Okay. What you got? I got a bunch. I got a bunch. Oh, my God. I'm ready. Okay. Okay.

I'll start with what I thought was the first one, but it sounds like it's not going to work. I thought we could do a Moe and Piggly. I thought we could do an informative clip where we're talking about the real dangers of Q-tipping, but it sounds like you've already kind of gone that route. He doesn't give a shit. This is a My Strange Addiction problem. He has some weird thing going on where he doesn't think his ears are going to get clean, so I would not do that. Okay.

My second one is you just say to him, you don't want to see it anymore. And what you do is one day you go into the master safe of Q-tips and you take off every piece of cotton so that in there, there's just the swab part and there's no cotton to it. But that, okay, there's that. Then this might be the one I think.

What I would do is I would get some fake blood and I would put some fake blood on a few of the Q-tip tops. And wherever he throws the Q-tips, like in the trash can in the bathroom or whatever, plant a couple of them.

And then one day, just after a couple days of that, say to him, you were just about to throw a tissue in there and you noticed there's blood on some of the Q-tip ends. And try to freak him out like he's over-cleaned his ears where one of them got bloody and he didn't notice. I got another pitch. That is actually brilliant. I got another pitch to that one inspired. And then I have one that's nuclear. Go ahead. The other thing you could do is, and this is a longer play. Okay.

But whenever he Q-tips, you can save them and after a year present him with all the Q-tips he has used in a year, which would be if he's doing...

you know, four times, that's eight a day, eight times 360. You're talking about a lot of Q-tips. And you could say like, I just want to show you something, my man. I just want to show you who you've become with these weird fucking ears of yours and just dump them out and go like, you need help. So that could link into the other pitch I had, which was post a picture of them.

And just say, take the shame publicly. And just say, off of that pitch, that's enough. So there's an option there. Really quick off the public shame really fast. You could also, if you don't want to do a public, you can do, get a dry erase board or not a dry erase, a pin board. A cork board. A cork board. And every time he Q-tips, mark it down. Yeah. I like that. So he just has to see how many times. I mean, I like all of these.

And then, okay, so then here's a separate one. You start saving the Q-tips, and what you do is you take 50 used ones that you've stored and you put them back in the original box, and after two weeks of that, you reveal to him that he's been using used Q-tips. I love that one. And that shames him back into the shadows. You can't be involved in this, and now he has no choice but now to have a stash. But by the way, what I love about that, Gareth,

is he's putting the junk back in his ears. Yes. So you're doing nothing. You're just being a weirdo. The other thing I would say on this, what you could do... They look so clean that you're reusing them. Yes. Another thing that you could say is you could say to him, you could say, honey, how many times do you think you Q-tip a day? Right? And he'll probably think it's less than you do. It's like a gambler. They never want to say their real numbers. And then go...

I think you go more than, you know, 100 in a month or whatever you're going to say, and he'll say no. And then you go, if you are under that, then keep going. But if you're over it, how about you take a month off?

And then you go to the cork board and you're marking it so that he has to be aware. Because it might be something he's not even that conscious of. Like he just doesn't think. He gets a weird litch. You know about the four times a day. It's probably more. It's probably more. And go like, let's do an honor code system where whenever you do it, just let me know. Because I think you're doing it so much. So he has to be aware of it.

It's a problem. It's an addiction. And you're calling out the addiction to stop. So what we've got right now is take off the cotton part. So he's just goes in there and just a bunch of blue sticks. That's why I love the show. Just out of context, you just like you said that with all seriousness. Put a little fake blood on some. So he thinks he actually might be damaging his ear.

save them and present them back to him to show his addiction, post it on social media so there's a little bit of public shame, get a board at home so you're tracking his addiction, make a bet and see where he is and see if he'll agree to take a month off if he does it, and then take the used Q-tips and put them back and later tell him he has been using used Q-tips

Eva, a woman who loves dogs, calls her dog a chocolate frog, works for a nonprofit, lives somewhere in upstate near Troy. What are you going to do? All right. So I think it's like a threefold. These are all great ideas. By the way, I would not have thought of any of these. So thank you.

Well, at this point, I can say we're professionals. Yeah. You know what you are. It's nice to hear. At the end of the day, yeah. So, I think... I don't think I'm going to save all of his Q-tips as much as I love that idea because it just sounds awful. Yeah, I agree. It's gross. But I actually really like the blood idea. I think that that would be effective. So, I think maybe I would do that and...

And then on top of that, I really like the keeping track and the bet. Okay. So maybe like a threefold, you know, keep track because I think that would like annoy him enough too. And then plus like being like, you know, I think you do it this much. He would probably try to decrease so that I'm wrong. Exactly right. So I think, yeah. And you can set that number lower than you think.

Now, what order do you think she should do that? If you're going to try all three, because I do think you would want to do an order of the start with the accounting of it. Yeah. And then let that lead you to the, I would say the blood. Okay. And then let that lead to the. My kind of feeling is a little different. I think you start with the blood.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense too. And then if it keeps going after, and you don't even mention it, it's just like there's blood on his Q-tips.

And then if you like, and you never tell him you're part of it or that you did call this podcast, obviously just to spook him out. Right. And then maybe one day you just go like, Hey, I found this in the garbage. Is your ear bleeding? And he's like, what the fuck? I, and I think you, I think you do it where like, I think you're just like, honey, you're, you are cleaning your ears to the point where there is blood on Q-tips and you don't even know it. Yeah.

This is serious. Yeah, that's perfect. And what we could do, if that is kind of working and it's on the fence, you could call back, and then we could do a Moe and Piggly about this is a thing that happens. And, you know, it's like, and part of the thing will be what's wild is, is the person doing it doesn't see the blood. And what we could talk about is how that person, you need to take a month off from cleaning that ear. Otherwise, you're opening a wound. It can get infected. We could do a whole play there. Oh, okay.

Okay, I like that. I think that sounds great. Start there, follow up. If the follow up is we're on the fence, in the follow up we'll do a Moe and Piggly. And then we'll just have to do another follow up. Okay.

And then do us a favor and will you take pictures of the crime scene you're setting? Yes. Great idea. Of course. Absolutely. So let us see the garbage can. Go to a costume shop and get the fake blood. Do it right. Yeah. How are you going to do the fake blood? I mean, I think I have leftover Halloween. Well, I think so. I was like, you know, got vampire blood for Halloween. Perfect. So I think I have like a bottle of fake, like,

makeup blood. So you can do that today. Yep. Great. Yeah. So I'm ready. But my question is, do I just leave it? Because like,

Do I just leave it around and then he'll like see it and be like, oh, that's weird? Or do I stay? No, Eva, for a few days you just leave it. Because the hope is this. Okay. He goes to throw another one out, finds it himself. Yes. And goes, what the fuck? Because if you tell him, it's a little suspicious. But the real hope is if he leaves one on the dining room table, perfect. The hope is that he opens the garbage can and goes, oh my God.

Then touches his little gross wet ear and he's like, and then goes to you and he goes like, there was blood. And you go, you do it too much, man. Yeah. Well, you think it's going to happen. Yes. You poke at your belly button every day. You think it's going to be the same? It's

It's going to scab. Yeah. Well, that's a weird thing to know and be so confident about. But the point remains, he has a problem. You want him to come to you with it. But if you have to intervene, then we go that route. But start by laying the crime scene a little. Just one a day, start putting on one end, like...

Like one of the ears is bleeding. It's his eriad. I'm sorry, Jake. But one of the ends is bleeding. And just start to set the scene in the trash can. Hope he notices. If he doesn't, you go at him. I think it's great. Okay. I think it's great too, you guys. Keep us posted. Take some pictures. And Eva, I got to say, I was glad you said you didn't like the idea of withholding sex and doing the old roads. You made us work for it a little bit. But I do think we came to a great, I think we came to a good answer.

I think you did too. I mean, I'm not surprised, but I'm impressed. Thank you. Bloody the Q-tip, Eva. Keep us posted. Now that's going to be a new thing we just say a lot, bloody the Q-tip, unfortunately. Bloody the Q-tip. It's the new Parmesan. Thank you. All right, Eva. Thank you. All right, guys. Have a good one. Have a great one. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

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Well, good. Welcome back to the show. This is a follow-up, but Gareth and I don't know what the follow-up is. So could you tell us who you are, what your call was, what our solution was? This is always exciting. Yeah. The reveal. What's happening?

Yes, absolutely. So my name is Brittany and my problem was that my best friend Shimmy had just moved back to Austin where I live from Hawaii with her family. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The family drama. Yeah, yeah. The ownership over Shimmy.

Yeah. So keep going, Brittany. It was, yeah. Will you walk us through it again for anybody for some reason who didn't hear it originally, but walk us through it, Brittany. Yes. And so they had this ongoing secret joke that they all hated me and kind of talk shit about me. And so I was looking for ways to break the ice with them when I finally met them. Right. What was the advice?

So I kind of blacked out. Yeah, I kind of blacked out. Y'all gave me some other advice too. I only remember one of the other ones that y'all gave me, which was Gareth said I should make pinatas of the whole family and like bust them open with shimmy. But we didn't go with that when we ended on the shirt. Listening back to that pitch, horrible, right? Yeah. And so what happened with the, what shirt did you pick? What happened? So on the shirt, do you want me to read what the shirt says? Yes. Do you have a photo of it?

Yeah, I do. I sent it to you guys, but I also have it in front of me so I can like read it. Okay. So it says on the front, it says Jimmy's favorite people in parentheses written by Jimmy. Obviously not. And then number one, Brittany, number two, mom, because she lives in Texas. Three is blank. Four is Sophia and Olivia, who are her nieces.

Five is Crystal, who's her sister. Six is John Wick, the dog, which is like the arch nemesis of the family. And then seven is Anthony, who's like the main culprit. Okay, good.

And what, I mean, by the way, great shirt. Yeah. A lot of inside stuff. Okay. What's the back say? The back is, don't say I should do something ridiculous and write an over the top letter to me from Shemi, but obviously written by me. So it says, my dearest friend and favorite person on the planet, Brittany.

It's hard for me to put into words how much you mean to me. Everything I've gone through, you've been by my side every step of the way. Moving to Texas with you was the best decision I ever could have made. It's weird that I don't even miss my family back in Hawaii. I know they said, boy. Yes.

I know they say blood is thicker than water, but in this case, that's so far from the truth. You are the number one person in my life and always will be. Come on, Gareth. Wow. It is very. It's a huge victory. I got to start traveling with the bell. I agree. Yeah.

Yeah. It says, P.S. If my family ever saw this, I would deny it all, but I need you to know how much more I love you. Love your very best friend, Timmy. What a victory, Jimmy. That's great. So, okay, so you got the shirt made. Yes, I made it myself. That's awesome, by the way. Way to go. Okay. And it looks like it's just kind of pasted on there. Was this the final of the shirt?

Yes. Okay, so to be clear, you didn't go to a professional. You just kind of rubber cemented these note cards on the shirt, which we're fine with, whatever. The fun's the fun. It's transfer paper. This shirt is good merch. Good merch, yes. This is good merch. We should copy this as merch. This is good merch. All right, so then, Shimmy, what happened? Did you wear it around them? I remember they were coming to visit or you were going there.

I think this was happening right around the holidays. Yes. So it actually happened right after the holidays. So we decided it would be best for me to meet them at her niece's surprise birthday party. So she took me to meet her family. And while I'm waiting for that part of the family to arrive, I meet like 30 people that don't know about the bit. So the suspense is killing me. I'm like wearing this shirt under a sweater. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, hidden, hidden. Yeah. Yeah. So her niece walks up and instead of being surprised by the surprise party, the first thing she says is I heard Brittany was here, which is just hilarious because it's just embedded in her, even though she's like 12 years old, that there's this hate from her family for me.

But the main culprit of teasing her brother-in-law eventually walked over, side-eyeing me and introduced himself to me in kind of a playful tone. And then I was like, man, it's hot. I need to take the sweater off. So I took it off. You old ham. I know.

It's a little hot. He started dying laughing and playfully called me a bitch and said I was petty and told me he was rooting against me for life and that he was going to make a blonde voodoo doll. Yeah. I like him. He's a winner. He's a winner too. Yeah.

Yeah. It's intense still. What? It's still very intense. I would have thought that that might have thawed things, but you guys are keeping up. Well, Brittany, this feels like a massive win. And what's going on now with Shimmy? What's going on with the family? With the dynamic? Where are we at?

So after that, it was way better. It's definitely still, I have like a playful arch nemesis, which I love. I've always wanted an arch nemesis. And after the fact, they all told Shimmy that they loved me. So it was definitely a win. Yeah. Super fun. Great. Yeah. Great. Great time. I love the advice on the shirt and I'll now cherish that shirt forever. Can I make a suggestion for if there's another meeting, I think you should get like a queen crown and a sash that says Shimmy's number one.

Yes, for sure. Lean in hard. But it also feels like Brittany's now just in the family. Yeah, it's yes. Yeah, I think that's, you know, like it's like she's if someone escalates the joke, that's an inside joke. Well, that's that's a victory. So at the end, we hugged by and I was like, it's great to meet you. And he like said, so good to meet you out loud and then whispered in my ear, cry.

So now you're in the group. Very playful guy. It all worked out. Good for you. This was a great follow-up. We appreciate it. We're ringing the bell. For us, it's a huge victory. Very clean win. It's a good way to start the year with a nice big victory. Yes. Thank you, Brittany. Thanks, Brittany. Thank you, guys. This is

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis.

I love you, love you, love you. I'm always thinking of you. I hope that you're thinking of me. Bum, bum, bum.

Hi, guys. I'm Aga Wodum. Check out my new show, Thanks, Dad, now on HeadGum. I was raised by a single mom, and I don't have a relationship with my dad. And spoiler, I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast, I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hasan Minhaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen, and many, many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like,

How do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car? Can you even show me that? Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot? I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad. But subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday. ♪

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.