142: Psychological Warfare & Duck Daddy
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And we are...

With a season two, Gary. Against all odds, Jake. Well, you know, we talked a lot about the end of the show. Yes. A little embarrassing for the team. I agree. But we were really done. It was like far of retirements. Yeah, it was. It was like two weeks, and then we were like, all right.

Well, again, we said it, I said it briefly, but you weren't on it. What ended up really happening was HeadGum came and, you know, made an offer that made sense. And it kind of hit everything that you and I were talking about that we wanted to try to do. Yes. And so it felt like, let's come back. I mean, and also we really, I mean, I think I, having gone on the road, see the

There are a lot of people who love this show, and there really was quite an outpouring after we kind of said we were going to take a breather. Yes, which was more than I expected. Yeah, and I think we were, you know, look, I mean, we really want to keep doing the show. We're glad to keep doing the show. There are changes. Yeah, but before we get to that, just to talk a little trash, I did LeMourne after his live show. Okay. Damon Wayans Jr. and I went on it. He's starting to do it. He and Kyle are doing it live a little bit.

And there was a part of the show where he said at the beginning, who here has heard my podcast, The Morning After? A few applauses. Then when they said, you know, now we're going to do a segment of the show where we, like, help this woman out with some dating advice. Who here has listened to We're Here to Help? Well, directly to you, Lamorne, more applauses. Mm-hmm.

so why don't you suck it? L'amour applause. Yeah, good. So that felt good to know we were coming back. To be on his show and beat him, good. Not that I want to talk too much trash. Now, L'amour knows it, so he's going to deny it like he does. He's a little liar, but it'll happen. That was cool. I'm glad we're starting with that. With anger. Yes. But he told me, he's like, when we were leaving, he said, we're moving over to HeadGum.

And in his press release, he said, and they got mad at me because I wanted to say, we're coming and we're going to be way better than we're here to help. I saw. Did it actually get printed? I at least heard he wanted to do that. I thought it, I thought that was, we share some reps and I at least heard he wanted to do that. I thought I would just assume they would let him. It's good press for us.

But yeah, we are very excited. We're about to start our first session of the new era. We will say that people are going to be upset, but Shark will not be joining us for this run. This season, yes. But it was Shark's choice, and part of what happened at the end of season one, while I was breaking down, was it wasn't Gareth, it wasn't me, it wasn't Shark. It was kind of all of our schedules.

And Shark said he could come back for some, but he couldn't commit to all. He's got a very busy summer coming up. He's a shark. A ton of shark. And so there's nothing but love for the shark. Major love. It's a new group for season two. Yep. We're excited. I mean, look, one of the things that we said as we got into the show, and one of the things that will stay consistent is the...

We are planning on having great calls. We are planning on solving them like drunk uncles. Agreed. We still have the bell to ring. I'm very excited to do this with you, Garf. As am I with you, Jake. We get a lot of texting back and forth. Yep. I think really quick, as if it's New Year's and we're talking resolution. Mm-hmm.

For me, what I'm looking for season two is put an emphasis on the caller. Yep. Really see, get more into that. I think it's going to be a lot more you and me. Yep. We're going to really try to bank his money, you and me. When there is a guest coming in, sometimes we're going to view them more as like a guest host than

So it might be Gareth with that person. It might be me with that person. We might do some where it's both of us and a person. Exactly right. But we are definitely focused on making sure that we're doing the show together. We've got 52, so we're going to try to do as many as us as we can. Yeah, one a week. We should point that out. And they're going to drop on Monday. And all the video ones.

Everything will be ad-free on Patreon. Yep. So if you want to watch the video, just go there. And then we've got Morgan, who you're going to meet this season. She is running that, and she's pretty great. I've known her for a couple of years.

And I think that's kind of it, Gareth. Yeah, we're excited. So, listen, that's a lot of business. Let's get into the meat and potatoes. Let's parmesan the floor. Let's party. See what happens? Without further ado. Hello. Hello. Hey, can we get your name, please? Hi, this is Jeff. Hey, Jeff. And where are you calling from, Jeff?

- Calling from Northern California. - What part? - Sacramento area. - Great. The Diaz brothers right around there. And Jeff, Northern California. What do you do for work, Jeff? - I'm a high school teacher. - Nice. - Nice. What year you teach over there? - I teach juniors in high school, US history and psychology. So juniors and seniors. - Respect. If you had a favorite animal, what would it be? Jungle animals included.

Giraffe, for sure. Interesting, for sure. Interesting. I'm writing that down. Gareth, what would yours be?

Jungle? I mean lemur. Oh, any animal, including cats. Sloth. Really? Sloth is adorable, and I love the pace. You can walk 10 feet with the sloth, and that's time travel. Yeah, yeah. I love the sloth. What about you? Yours is going to be crazy. No, gorilla. Jaguar. Okay, of course. Jaguar would be a great answer, but mine is silver. So Jeff, Northern Cal high school teacher, loves a giraffe. What can we do for you today?

So my nephew, we'll call him Ben, is a middle schooler, a new middle schooler. So he's in seventh grade. He started this year. And he rides his bike to middle school. And things are going pretty well, kind of an adjustment from sixth to seventh grade. But one day he rode his bike to school and parked it there, didn't lock it.

And then he came back at the end of the day and the bike was gone. So he was devastated. He, you know, it was, it was tough night for him. He goes home, tells his parents, but the twist is he, he comes, he walks to school the next day and he sees a kid riding his bike back. So the, one of the students now, I think probably an eighth grader is now joy riding his bike, his bike back and forth.

From school, right. Yeah, we want to find out what kind of character this kid is. That's kind of part of the call. You also got to find out what his family's like. Yeah. Because we're not too worried about an eighth grader, but we are worried about an eighth grader's weird uncle who just got out of jail. Yeah.

It's true. Things get different. You're not an adult anymore when it's like you could play the adult card, but then when like another adult's there, you're like, all right, this is a wash. This is a tricky situation. Now I'm having an actual argument. It's a $150 bike. Just keep the bike. All right. So your nephew, Ben, got his bike stolen and there's an eighth grader riding around on it, Jeff. Yeah? Yes. And the kid brings the bike back to school.

every day. So he has now sort of just commandeered this bike. So shocking behavior. We got it. We got it. Exactly. And as a high school teacher, like I go straight to punishment. I want this kid. Yeah. I want the, we want the bike back, but yeah, but we also got to figure out the kid to feel the. Yes. But also Jeff, you know, the rule of the streets, which you know, is, you know, snitches get stitches. And so we don't want, Ben doesn't want to like tell a teacher that,

Yes. That's my first pitch going. Exactly. Okay. So keep going, sir.

So that's pretty much that we sort of have two simple goals. One is to get the bike back. And then two is to sort of get some sort of like vigilante justice, basically, because Ben doesn't want to tell a teacher. He doesn't want to tell the principal. But I mean, maybe this is just my goal, the second goal. But as a high school teacher, like the kids probably stealing bikes all the time. I think you're right. So we want the kid to feel, you know, the...

The power of the law. I mean, the consequence could be social. We just, we want justice. You want justice. We want justice. Karma's not enough. Okay, so this is a pretty interesting setup, Gareth. Yes, it is. And what's your relationship with your nephew, Ben? How tight are you guys? We're real close. He's a kid of few words. Okay, so not the most popular guy in the world.

I mean, no, I mean, among middle school kids, I don't know. I don't know. You know, I think he's doing okay. But when I talked to him about the issue, he's pretty, I said, do you want the kid to, you know, do you want there to be consequences for the kid? And he's kind of like, I don't care. He just wants his bite back. I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, that's what he said. Well, that's where it gets a little strange. It's third-party revenge then, which is a little strange. And I don't think we can go hard on third-party revenge. No. But I do think we can go hard on getting that bike back. I agree. That's kind of where my head's at. Okay. Because I think, Jeff, your and the second part might make Ben's life miserable because

And as your buddies in the bar, we don't want a seventh grade boy to start getting his ass kicked by some eighth grade thief. But there is a... Yeah, that's why this phone call is happening. I was not smart enough not to come up with the event. Jeff, you came to the right place, goddammit. Yep, absolutely. And so now the question is...

We're going to just start on part one of this, and that's getting the bike back. And then Gareth will probably pitch ways for revenge. It's hard. It's hard to get revenge as an adult on a kid. It's easier.

It's easier, but it's also stranger. There are like actual real world implications that come in. But that's like saying it's hard to steal candy from a kid. No, it isn't. Why don't you start? Because you're probably, I think we're probably going to be along the same lines for the opening. I think we are. So I think for the beginning, you got to go a little bit private investigator. Nevermind when you said we were on the same page. I think you're, I think season two, you're me, I'm you.

Well, hear me out. Okay, I like it. So I think the first thing you got to do is I don't think you want to view this as a one-week thing. I think you want to view this as a system and a play. And that is first you got to investigate who this kid is. You got to investigate his family a little bit. You have to follow him home so you know where the bike is, right? And very quickly you're going to be able to get a photo of this boy's life, right?

And once you have that, then you're going to go, he comes in, he parks the bike there, he goes there. This is this kid's schedule, right? And once you have that kind of thing, then the question comes, how do we steal it back? And my part two, which is going against what I said earlier, and I said Gareth was going to do, maybe we steal a second thing.

Right? Because once you know... That's where it gets dicey. I know, but once we know... That's when you're committing a crime as an adult. Stealing when you're a kid different than stealing as an adult. You're not wrong. But I think definitely P.I. him. Stalk the kid. Don't call the parents. Don't do a thing. And if you have to, steal it right back out of the garage. I'm on the same page. I would do the follow. I would find the house. I would somehow re-steal the bike back. I think if you want a slice of revenge...

And it's got to be through your nephew because you don't want to put adult problems in the nephew world and then have him dealing with shit at school that he doesn't want to deal with. But you could do some flyering of bike thief and a picture of this kid who stole it. An image of this kid. And you could hang some flyers around the bike racks. Watch your bike around him. He's a thief. Danger, bike thief, known bike thief, something like that. And that's really...

But again, your nephew's gonna have to be involved in that. Yeah. But it's also like...

You're in a kind of weird space where it's like this kid can't admit he stole the bike. So that's why you could steal it back. And it's kind of similar with the flyer part. Yeah, I like the flyer. You could also do the scare technique. And that is one day when he's driving his bike home, you go in your car. And as he's like when there's like a red light or a stop, you pull up and go like, hey, hey, fuckhead. That's my nephew's bike. I bought it for him.

And so it's not about the nephew. It's you confronting him. And if he, and if he rides off, you go like, I know where you live, mother Bubba. And so he goes like, Whoa,

Like there's, there's doom coming. Again, this is advice. And as we say on the show, we are not legally, this is advice. Because what's good about that is if that's your first port of call, right? You start with that. This kid's a little freaked out. Yeah. Then you, but by now I would say already know where he lives and where he stores the bike. Then steal the bike back. Go. I got one. Okay. Jeff, I think, I think I hit something here.

It better not be the kid with your car. No. Well, so you stalk the kid a little bit, right? Stalk is a term. Then, well, you know, but you know what I mean. Funny that you guys started by saying don't, you know, don't get overly involved. Stalk the kid and yell and call him a fuck. I agree. Pointing that out is not going to help us help you. Well, guess what? We're trying to find it, baby boy. We're trying to find it. Let us cook. Let us cook.

So here's what I actually think you should do. You follow the kid home. You know where he is, right? You study his path. In terms of the animal, you stalk him a little bit, right? Sure. Then what you start doing is leaving notes for him going, I know you stole that bike. You've got 10 days to return it. Then another place.

A sign where he's riding his bike home on a pole. Six days left. Six days.

I know you stole that bike. You start getting in his head of this idea because you wanted him to have a punishment. Here's the punishment. Guilt, his conscience. He's an eighth grader and it's almost as if he can't believe this is happening, but you get in between his ears is what he did is wrong. And there's a real consequence. It's not going to be an ass kicking. It's more than that. It's

something that he doesn't know how this is happening because you're an adult and you can figure out things in eighth grade or can't.

But you just keep pushing. Jeff, I think that's the pitch. I think you give them a 10-day limit. You start putting some signs. You start with something outside of the house. Everybody knows. You start with some signs on the path back. Put a 10-day limit on it. Now, again, the reality hits when it's like at 10 days, what can you really do? Yeah, but here's the, so Gareth, but going off of that, so my sister and I, when we were growing up,

I didn't read a book for an in-class essay or something like that. And she had, so I asked her for help on it. And she was panicking because I hadn't been doing any of my homework and she thought I was going to fail out of school. She was right. It just took me until I was in high school. You landed on your feet. Ish. But...

She did a thing that was a family story that's still incredible, where we were all sitting around, my mom, me, and her. And she was scared that I wasn't telling my mom about this book thing, because she said, I'm not going to help you tell your mom. And she just went, as if she were the wind, she went, tell her. And I go, what the fuck are you doing? And she goes...

Tell her about the book. And my mom goes, what are you talking about the book? And it kept going. Why? And it came out. Meaning what you could do here, Jeff.

You could get in this little boy's head that in 10 days the police are going to get involved and mom and dad are going to find out that it's, this is going to be revealed to everybody in this town. Yes. Your face is going to get plastered everywhere. The police will get involved. We have video evidence of you. We know everything you have done.

you are going to go on blast and not only are you going to give the bike back, but you are never going to steal again.

I'm watching you and you're a little piece of shit and you're going to start doing better. I think the, I think the escalation of the signs and things is good. I think what you could do is put a picture of Ben with his bike next to a picture of this kid and his knowing someone's taken a picture of you is a lot scary. So how about this? Take a photo of him, take a photo of him on the bike and then see if you have a photo of the bike before. That's what I mean. Yes.

And put them both together. So do a side-by-side of like, it's very clear, that's day four. But you should be scaring him. Yes, I think you start escalating. I think you start escalating. Yes, Jeff, he's got to be in like a Christmas movie where you're like, you know, holy shit, I have been so selfish. And I'm now seeing everything falling apart. Day two, you just put some cuffs in the driveway. Yes. And that's it. Jeff, where are you at? Because I got to say...

I think we're cooking with gas over here. Where are you? Yeah, I, yes, I, so that's where I went with it in initially in, in my head.

Because the psychological part. Yes. Systematic. Yes. Psychological. Yes. Pressure. Yes. Yes. Yes. As a high school teacher, that's what I have. Like, that's kind of what gives me confidence. These kids are, I've been doing for a while, but they're big. They're, you

you know, they're high schoolers, they're insane. But I always kind of go back to like, my brain functions more correctly than yours. So I think I can figure this problem out. And that's always helped me. So that's where I went. I'm a little, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with

Would I be taking the pictures? Would I be laying the notes or is this Ben? Am I giving him notes? So Jeff, hold on, hold on. From this moment on, Ben is not involved. But hold on, from this moment on, Ben is not involved at all. Oh, this is my journey.

Hey, I don't know. I'm not talking to Ben, am I? Jeff, you called the show. If we were talking to a seventh grade boy, it would be a different call. We're talking to an adult man named Jeff. And we're pitching adult solutions for a child's problem. So Jeff, this is all you and you have to make it very clear. This has nothing to do with Ben.

So I would almost do it. I think what you need to do is you wanted a little revenge and you want your nephew to get his bike back. And also as a teacher, you want this little eighth grade punk to learn a lesson. So you've got to do moves so that you're not going to beat him up. You're not going to physically threaten him. All that's dog shit moves. What you could do is find a way to get in his head that he knows that

that there's somebody out there, there's the eyes of God in Sacramento that knows, somebody knows that I have stolen and my parents are gonna find out soon.

The police are going to find out soon. This whole little world of power that I've constructed is about to fall apart. And now this thing is saying, not only do I have to bring the bike back, but I have to do three other good things. We could turn this into a Christmas miracle. What you could do, Jeff, is we're sensing some hesitancy. What you could do... I sense fear. Find the route...

And make it one epic day where there's a lot of signs on this kid's ride back and try to pack it all into one ride where you've got flyers all over for his ride. You've got, as you get closer to his house, you've got a big sign. You've got a lot of guilt being laid out that day.

day. I think it's got to be more than one day. I think what you're saying is right, Gareth, in that that makes it easier for Jeff. But as an eighth grader, you could also go like, weird day, who cares? Moving on. Yeah, but what you don't want is like day six for like

like the kid's dad to be like, hey, you putting a sign up? And be like, oh, shit. But you got to do it at weird times. Yes. But I think what you're doing is you're putting in his head that whether he likes it or not, the end is coming soon. So either he handles it or you do. Yes. But that, you know, it's the same thing if you ever watch one of those like first 48, those detective shows. Yeah. Yeah.

They'll just say to the person, even though they don't have it, we know it's you. We have video evidence of you in the back of that Burger King. So is there something you want to say? And he'll go like, yeah, my cousin shot him, and I have proof of that. And you go like, thank you very much. Yeah, we do know it's him. Yes. So you're just now saying, we know it's you. We have proof of it. But I want to see how you handle this to see how hard I want to press. Because stealing a bike...

is this level of crime and this is what will happen. There will be, everybody in the town will know, there'll be flyers throughout the school. Most likely you could either get suspended, possibly expelled. The police will get involved. Your family will know there will be a fine, there will be this.

You have a choice to make. And his choice at first is going to be, I'm pretending I didn't just read that living nightmare note that I found in my backpack. Living nightmare. And he's going to go, that didn't happen. I threw it away. And then what you need is...

And you can't go as crazy as this, but my hope is he lays in bed, moves his pillow, there's another note. What's she going to do, little guy? And again, like Jake said, you can't do that part. So just to be super clear. To be clear. This is a fantasy. But Jeff, so what you've got to do is how do you figure out that this kid keeps seeing this thing until he finally leaves the bike back at school and

doesn't take it, and your nephew can just grab it, and then I'd keep pushing. So, all right. So, listen, Jeff. That is, I think we'll both sign off on that as our pitch. Very effective, yeah. Now, if you're uncomfortable with that, you already know the other pitches there could be.

You can go to school. You can present the argument. You can steal it back. You can be a grown-up about it and go to his house and confront his family. Those are all options. But hold on, because Gareth, when I was younger, a neighborhood boy tried to steal my bike from my brother and I. Sure. And my brother told my mom.

because the neighborhood boys were bigger and they were going to kick our little asses. I understand that move. And that's my brother was like, I'm not getting my ass kicked with my brother. My mom's tougher than both of us. She's going to handle it. We went over to the house. My mom confronted his mom, confronted them in front of me. My mom, she left feeling heroic.

For nine years, whenever I saw any one of those guys in my neighborhood, it was a sprint from them trying to kick my ass and me running away. So I was like, I don't think that's the move for Ben's point of view. Yes, I think there is something to the idea that street cred-wise, you then potentially can become...

Yes. And it would help you. You would feel like, you know, I let him know. But you're making a seventh grade boy's life hard. He's going to have to go to high school with this kid. I don't think that's enough. So there you go. So a pitch for us. Yeah. Like as a number one pitch, a little psychological warfare, some signs on the ride home. Yeah. A note if you can make it happen. Yes. But you're kind of leaving Ben out of this and you're taking this on.

What do you think, Jeff? But two, another one, an easier one, is just one big note at the school, right? The flyer. Yeah, something, flyer at the bike rack. And three is just go steal it back. Jeff, talk to us. Yeah, like I said, the psychological warfare sticks with me well. And it also is anonymous. Yeah.

Like we could get our justice without anyone knowing. That's right. There's no reveal moment. Your notes could be like a ransom note. You could cut things out of old newspapers. Oh, my God. Imagine walking in on your teacher cutting letters out of magazines. It's an art project. Yeah. He's just like, Jesus.

It's about U.S. history somehow. So keep going, Jeff. So you're leaning towards this. This is exciting. Yeah. It doesn't involve Ben. It is anonymous. It's creepy enough. And there's no physical threats to the boy. No.

No, I'm not. Yeah. Jeff, you're there, right? Jeff, you got awful quiet about the physical stuff. Don't pause there, my man. Hey, Jay, did you keep talking, Jeff? I got to go, guys. No, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. But the idea of that, Jeff, is you just planted in this kid's head that a nightmare is beginning. Yep. And there's a way for it to end, and that is stop stealing.

Return, feel guilt, stop. And also, return everything you've stolen. I want this kid going back to a pharmacy and being like crying and going like, I stole candy two years ago. Here's a buck fifty. I took Twizzlers. And the person working there goes like, I just started. We're a CVS. It's not like we're a mom and pop. Yeah, exactly. We steal every day. That's why we work here. Why do you think we unlocked the stereos? So my cousin could steal them.

We're locking razors up. So what do you think, Jeff? Yeah, I like that. I really do like that. I think it gets a little... The phrase, you know, I know, or I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that is chilling. That's chilling. That's a chilling phrase to read. And you could also put it... If you stalk where his bike is and it happens to not be in the garage, because if it's in the garage, what's weird is his parents don't care that he stole a bike. That is weird.

If an eighth grade boy comes home with a $300 bike, the question is, where'd you get the bike, pal? So he might be storing it outside. Right, that's what we were wondering, which kind of made it a little more creepy, is that what kid takes a bike home, somehow has it at home, and then re-rides it back to school and just keeps doing this? Yeah. Well, like we said... This is a follow-up. Exactly, he's begging for it. So what we need from you is...

We need some report. Yeah. We need some reports back. Um, pictures. How long until you think you start? Maybe no pictures. I would say no pictures. I want them. Me too. No, I think no pictures. Yeah. Right. No. Yeah.

Yeah, pictures of the sign for sure. Just no pictures of a little boy riding a bike. Yeah. I don't want part of that heat. Yes. And just, you know, some discernment on your end as far. I mean, again, we're getting into some muddy waters here. But the kid stole. He stole. So the point of this is to get the bike back. The kid stole. And any listeners, don't forget that part. The kid stole. So Jeff, here's what we need from you when we do a follow-up.

A little bit more about the kid, his backstory, where the bike is, and photos of the early signage. Yeah, maybe keep a little notebook and some notes like it's a stakeout so you can update us with some hits as far as how this is going. I think that's a great idea. And don't be afraid to eat Chinese food in a car late at night alone. And maybe get divorced. The case is taking over your life. And if you eat pistachios, don't throw them outside because they can really pile up. Yep, inside the car only. Okay, bud?

Got it. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Thanks, Jeff. All right, Jeff. Keep us posted. Okay. All right. We'll do it. Bye. This episode is sponsored by Philo. Philo is a different way to get television. Is it me or has TV gotten really complicated? It's endlessly searching for my favorite shows or subscribing to a dozen different streaming services to make sure I can watch everything I love. I'm not into that.

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Hello. Hey. Can we get your name, please?

Yes, you can. My name is Mateo. Mateo. And where are you calling from, bud? From Texas. Texas. Mateo from Texas. About how old are you? I am 27.

26. Mateo, 26. Texas. What's your favorite animal in the jungle or the city? Squirrels count. Raccoons count. Oh, anywhere, I guess, is the question. I would have to say a turtle. Absolutely. Turtle? What do you love about a turtle, big dog?

You know, they live a quiet time, but they can definitely...

Party. They live a quiet life, but they can party. Don't push back. Don't David Attenborough the poor guy. Mateo, how do turtles party? Come on, you've seen it. They eat pizza in the sewer. They do karate. Yeah, okay. I got you. You're talking about the ninjas. He's watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What a documentary.

These guys are cool as fuck, man. These turtles know how to, I don't know why more turtles aren't like this. I bought a pet turtle all it did was sit in a little puddle of water. They didn't feed enough pizza. So, Mateo, what do you got for us today, sir? Texas, 26 turtle, what's going on?

Okay. So I live in an apartment complex, and we have a lake with, you know, turtles, but with also ducks. And a couple... Oh, yeah? Wildlife. Okay. Okay.

Yes. And a couple of months ago, my wife and I noticed that this one duck in particular was very comfortable with coming up to people. He was extremely chill. And so I just kind of started to just kind of spend my spare time out there. And eventually he got very comfortable with me. I was able to pick him up. I did send a couple of...

I mean, Matteo, what I'm seeing is, first of all, pure magic. It is, you basically, you've gotten so comfortable with the duck that the duck is on your shoulder now.

Which I can only imagine for other people in the complex would be like, that's, he has a favorite. I also got to say, Mateo, it's a rough looking duck. Yeah. It is rough. Yeah. Okay. So, so you got, so we got a picture. Not that a duck shame, but yeah. Yeah. But I mean, this is, this guy's. Why does he got red eyes? This guy's had some fights. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so we did decide to name the duck Gandalf. Gandalf, okay. Gandalf the duck. So walk us through this, Mateo. So you go to a lake at your apartment. There's a duck. The duck has mothered you, essentially. You're its mother.

That is pretty much yes. Yeah, because there is a whole thing with animals that certain animals, and my guess is this guy has had a little bit of a tough go and could have been kicked out of his little troop because ducks are sons of bitches. If you go on a deep rabbit hole and you Google these guys, I'm going to tell you this. I should have you thinking of geese.

I'm thinking, no, geese are assholes to people. Geese are the biggest assholes. Ducks are assholes to each other. Geese will stalk you. Okay, so we're talking about, okay. Within the duck community, some ducks suck. Title. Title. Merch. And so, merch. Some ducks suck. So my guess is,

This duck at a very young age with that funky face and that fur pattern got kicked right out of the group. And so I saw this whole documentary about animals. Documentary. Go ahead. Sorry. I'm not going to acknowledge. Thank you. I'm apologizing already. Let's just keep going. Moving on. Go. They find other people to be their parent.

Like a hippo believes this weird guy is his dad and he goes inside this guy's house. There's like a duck in a park. I think it was an echo park in LA. Yeah.

follows the same guy every day. So I think what's happening, Matteo, is you are this funky duck's mom or dad. Yes. Especially ducks. I think there's something specific to ducks imprinting. Yes. Imprinting is the word. If a duck sees a person, the first thing it sees, the duck is like, dad, mom. So tell us this heartbreaking question now. Okay. Okay.

So it's becoming a bit of a problem. And I'll tell you in the ways that it is. Okay. The duck will not leave me like alone. Okay. And so I have to walk my dog. Yeah. And the duck will bite onto my pants and will stay on the entire time. So now as I'm trying to walk my dog, I am essentially dragging the

Okay. Well,

Plus, it does chase me to my apartment door, which is on the top floor. It will literally chase me. It's trying to get in, though. This is not from a place of aggression. This is love. Well, let's see it from Gandalf's point of view. He's like, oh, dad, what's up, my man? Where are you going? Where are you going? Let me in. Let me in. Who are you hanging out with? Why did my dad close the door on me again? Yes, yes.

he will chase me up the stairs and then he will camp out literally the entire day beyond my porch and so if I leave and come back there is just crap covering my porch so let me ask hold on Mattel before we get to the ending because I gotta say this is one of my favorite setups in a while and I gotta ask you now and you gotta be real

Yeah. What is your responsibility in this relationship? Did you feed this little son of a bitch? Were you extra kind to him? Did you have a lot of bread early on? Or did he just imprint on you as you were walking? What did you do, sir? That is a great question. When we met the duck, my wife... Met the duck. Yeah. When we met the duck, my wife was like, do not give that duck stuff to

Mateo, you married a smart woman, but I can guarantee you didn't listen. No, obviously. This duck's crapping on his doormat. You go, what do you know? I'm going to give it some bread. And now you're like, I've gone too far. How about this? I'm a duck daddy. And now you have crap every time you leave your house. Yeah.

I gave him like one cookie. It was like one small cookie. What kind of cookie? Can we ask what kind of cookie? Unless you're hungry. Unless you're hungry. This matters. A vanilla wafer. If you get a fucking vanilla wafer, you're a wild man. It's wild. This is 100% on you. The duck goes, this is the sweetest treat I've ever gotten. You are literally the sugar daddy. Yeah. This is 100% your fault.

But I need to tell y'all the most traumatic part. All right, shit. Okay. You must know a lot about like animals and stuff. I don't know if you guys are knowledgeable on this, but ducks have a nine inch corkscrew horn.

Penis? Yes. You did know that, Dave? Yes. If you Google duck boner on YouTube, your mind will be absolutely blown. Why would you Google that ever in the first place? Jake, what I love about this show is it's not about us. No, this moment is. This moment is. Why would you ever Google? If you're about to say that I'm weird for knowing that a duck has a corkscrew penis, I'll let you talk, but I'm not going to let you paint me in that corner. I'm going to ask you a question. I said earlier I've gone on deep YouTube duck...

I've never thought to text him how they're dicks. You've not gone deep. Actually, in the picture, if you look right there, you could... Yeah, it's like a piece of freshly cooked pasta. Oh, my God. Really? What we should really be talking about is... But, G.R., how do you know this? What we should be talking about is the female duck vagina, but we won't get into that. But how do you know this?

Jake, if you take interest in animals for as long as I have, eventually you hear the lore and you find out that a duck's penis is like a pig's tail. Oh my God. Yeah, see it is. So its penis is a corkscrew. Yes. So what's the vagina all about?

Does it fit that? I assume it's a wine bottle. I don't know. I don't think we know. I don't think we know what the... I've never seen that. But why were they created this way? The world is strange and the penis evolved. And I think what we should be asking is why aren't ours like that? But, Matteo, the show's not about our penises or the duck's.

But you were making the point, Jake's now seen a duck penis. Where were you going with that? I got to stop for a second. Come on. I got to stop for a second. Get over it. A duck's penis is like a corkscrew. And I know you know this, Gareth, but what is the female duck's vagina like? Jake, I'm telling you, I've followed in that quack quandary a lot myself. Mateo, do you know? Yeah. All right, let us know. A female duck vagina penis.

is a quote through but going in the like opposite so it's a perfect match okay there's an image of it okay by the way okay great so they were made perfectly for each other who's that's okay that is i've never seen the bone form that is alarming rob well done appreciate the photo yeah so okay great so now it's a weird dick but it's a weird vagina and they work well together no more questions mateo why the fuck are we talking about their dicks yeah

Because there was a day when Gandalf was climbing on me and I spotted it. And it scared me and I pushed him off and I sprinted. I sprinted up my staircase. It was literally Jurassic Park. I sprinted up my stairs and I did and he camped outside my door. I do have clips of his penis sticking out.

I can definitely get those. We'll put them at the end of the call. Yeah. Okay, so, all right. But that was very traumatic and kind of changed the tone of the relationship. Well, yeah. Kind of like, yeah. And so now I don't know what to do about this duck. It gives me a lot of stress when I just want to...

Wait, you rejected him just because he's got a weird dick? No, because he's becoming sexual. You can't reject your duck son because he's... He's becoming banged off. It's different. Oh, his dick came out because he used Mateo as his... I understand. And I'll tell you why. I don't know Mateo well, but I'll bet you he doesn't have an inverted corkscrew vagina. Oh.

You know what, Gareth, don't make presumptions. Well, I mean, no shame. I hope you do. God bless. If you do, I got a perfect match for you. You do? I think it's time for you to accept your fate. All right, so now I get it. You liked this little guy. You flirted with him. You gave him a vanilla wafer. And then when his dick came out, you go, I'm not ready to party.

And you ran away, and now he sits outside your door shitting on your doorstep. Jake, does it now make sense when you asked the start of the call what his favorite animal was that he mentioned the only other thing in the lake outside of his apartment complex? Here's what's weird about him. But, Mattar, here's why I blame you, because even through this, you haven't learned. I go, what do you like about him? You said they like to party.

Now, a lot of people say sex stuff like, hey, man, she's cool. She likes to party. So I think you might have a weird thing with animals that you might be leading them on because I don't think turtles like to party. Did you give this duck a Viagra? Have you ever drank beer with the duck? Okay, well, listen, it's a hell of a setup. But then what is the specific question?

I guess just what should I do about... No. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Well, and then, plus, he does just kind of chase, like, when people come over, we have, you know, we do have, you know, parties and things like that. People associated with you? Yeah.

He wants to fuck all Mateo's friends. It's territorial. Whenever people come over, they'll be like, hey, man, I just got chased by this duck up the stairs. His duck with this weird dick. Wow. That's incredible, man. What a setup. Now, are other people in the building getting terrorized by this duck? Or is it just you? Because if it's a community thing, or is it a Mateo and Mateo's friend specific? Because if so, what a duck.

So there are people in my building that do like the duck and that do not like him. Okay. It's a mixed group. But I do tend to like...

carry him. And so people do know that me and the duck do have this type of like, yeah. So you went to, you went too far. Has the ducks behavior generally gotten worse since you opened the vanilla wafer door? Has, has the behavior changed then? Uh, yes. I feel like as time has gone on, he's become more. Yeah. All right. Then I got some pitches. It's crazy. This is an insane, uh,

Yes. An insane setup. Save your pitches for one more second. Okay. But you're going to go first. So, Matteo, what is then the specific question? Is it what do I do now? Is it because we got a great setup. It's not going to be a call to the city because half the building likes him. Also, you fed him. You picked him up a lot. So you're in this relationship. I agree. And I also don't like the idea of having to displace the duck now. Same.

So I don't want that. So, okay. So what is the specific question we can, by the way, best set up in a long time. Yep. It's fantastic. But what is the actual specific question we can try to help lock in?

I guess my specific question is, what do I do now about this duck that will not leave me alone? How do I go about this? That helps. Mateo, you phrased it nicely in the email, how to break up with the duck. That's also a way that you can put it.

Okay. Unfortunately, a traditional breakup is not possible here because you would have to sit the duck down and explain. At an Italian restaurant, so you can't freak out around other people. Well, and you got to be careful if you're eating an Italian meal with a duck because you might end up eating its penis thinking it's part of the pasta. But I thought that'd do more. I'm going to pitch a couple things. Do you want to go first, Jake? No, I think you got something. I want you to cook. Okay.

You're going to need to do... I think the first thing that came into my head is outfits. You need to convince this duck that you're no longer around. And the only way to do that is to rock some to-car and from-car disguises. And you need to make that seem like a thing for a while. Now, disguise-wise...

I'm going to pitch one thing that I think you could pull off. And one thing that is pie in the sky, you're going to be like, I don't want to do that. Why don't I start with the outfit I think you should do if you want to still be able to live a regular existence and have your neighbors not be like, hey, is Mateo okay? Yeah. Is...

Just like a gumshoe, just like an overcoat, a hat, maybe even a long fake beard. You just don't want to present as Mateo anymore. Big sunglasses. Big sunglasses. Mateo's gone. Right, right.

So make the duck think that you no longer live in that space. Throw a lot of cologne on so you have a different scent. If you have a doormat in front of the apartment, get rid of it. If you don't, put one there. Just, you know, maybe put a wreath on the door. Just present like Mateo's no longer there. I think it's a good pitch.

Can I give a different type of pitch? But I'm not shitting on that pitch because that might be our winner. And then I'll give you my crazy disguise pitch, but go ahead. Well, let's hear the crazy disguise pitch. Wear a duck outfit.

Okay, I'm going to move on. No, no, no. Let me just say, it's just the duck will be like, holy shit, I don't want to go next to that enormous duck. I think you might be wrong. I think it might go like, I want to fuck that duck. Then we go to the gumshoe outfit. Yes. I'm just glad I got it out. Go ahead, Jake. So my kind of thing is maybe a little close to the where the duck thing, but I mean it as a serious pitch. I would go get a taxidermy duck and

And I would start carrying it with you to and from your office so that Gandalf goes like, you're in a relationship. Motherfucker. And I would get the, I would get a male duck and I would make sure it's bigger than Gandalf. Now you tuck a penis out?

No. Not a bad idea. I mean, you could just get a big piece of pasta and stick it on, but I wouldn't ask the taxidermist at any point in my life, can I get a duck? You got one with the dick out. Well, you do it towards the end of the interact. You don't open with it. Yeah, you go, you've set a price and then you go, for another 800 bucks, you think you can throw the dick on that thing? Yeah, you go, it's crazy. I guess my wife just texted me. She's like,

Is there any way to get a dick on it? This is insane. Like a duck dick? This is insane. What does that mean? Do you know what that means? Let me just read this email she wrote. Can I get the noodle dick on that thing? Is there any way to get the rigatoni cock on the duck? But here's what I would do, Matteo. I would go find a very realistic duck.

And I would start walking it with you. And I would, you know, you're breaking up with them. And the best way to break up with somebody is if the person's like, we're not through, you're just being weird. You then go like, can I introduce you to my new partner? Like, I'm really sorry, but I've changed. And, you know, this is Jerry.

That's real good. I think either way, we're suggesting there needs to be a new way to get in and out of your home to your car. Yeah. I think so. And what do you think when you hear those two, Matteo? Where are we living right now? I really like the idea of getting a taxed, determined one. And I could even just kind of put it out on my porch. Yes. Because then...

Gandalf would be like, oh, there is one up there. Yes. Yes. I think that's a good idea. I think that's a great idea. Where you live in, Matteo, in Texas, what eats the ducks? You got coyotes? We have coyotes, but we live in a sort of protected area. And I believe that the ducks were actually brought to the... I gotcha. Okay, so there's nothing that Gandalf's afraid of.

And I wasn't saying bring a coyote, but I was thinking maybe have a little coyote piss in a bottle that you just spray near your door and around. Hey, what I like about the show is we jump in sometimes and protect ourselves from our own pitches. I think you have a winner. Don't talk past the close. But what's the winner? He has a duck, a taxidermy duck, and maybe you can just get a porch duck. I mean, you could have one. You could have a walking duck and a porch duck. Merch.

always have a walking duck and a porch duck or a porch duck I keep going to be honest though to be honest I'm not opposed to the duck costume I think that would just be like well but hold on but are you doing that to be funny or do you think it's going to actually work

I think it'll scare them. Okay. If you're doing it to scare, I'm okay with it. If you see videos online sometimes, people will wear a dog outfit around their dog, and the dog will be like, oh, shit. Yeah. But I think let's start with the tax attorney. Hold on, Gareth. Yes.

If Mateo's interested in putting on a full duck outfit with a huge duck dick and running at Gandalf and he's not doing it to be funny, he thinks it's going to work, you're going away from that video. First of all, I'm not suggesting you run at Gandalf.

Oh, just walk near it. You're just walking to and from your car now as a duck. And you're just letting him know, like, there's a new duck in town. In his little duck brain, he's going, a big duck moved into Mateo's. Or a big duck just claimed my man. Or, yeah, Mateo's banging a big duck. And then he goes, he doesn't even let Mateo out of the house. I should have done that in the first place. Just locked him up. I didn't know. He's too cute to walk these streets.

God damn that Chuck did it right. What does he expect walking around looking like that? But then I think what you got to do is you got to, when you make eye contact with Gandalf...

You have to have a little move where all of a sudden you pull out your rigatoni dick and it is two feet long. I think, I mean, look, we love the dick part of this. I think instead of whipping out your duck schlong, what would be better would be to like just take your wing and just kind of do a point and then maybe do the like cut throat with the wing. You don't believe this, Gareth.

I believe it as much as you believe whipping out a duck. I believe the whipping out the duck thing for sure. What do you think? Where are you going to find a human-sized duck? An Italian restaurant. All right. Listen, Matteo.

Go to an Italian market. We've basically, or make it at home. We've basically got the pitch for you. Agreed. One of two things. You're either carrying a taxidermy or you're dressing as a duck. I think for the purposes of our show, it'd be great for you to start out in the duck costume.

But whatever you want to do, we're here to help you. So what do you think you're going to lead with? And yes, we want video of whatever. Of everything. We expect video of whatever it is. I can definitely look online. Brave duck costume. As far as taxidermy, I mean, hey, I mean, we're in Texas. You can get that easily. Oh, they sell like clay ducks over there. Yeah, you'll be able to find that, no problem. Yeah. Um...

I'll be honest. I want to do the duck outfit, but I do think that the duck taxidermy is going to be the most. So start with it, Mateo. So start with what's going to. Yep, right there. Look, they're available. And they're really going to. Please do this. But here's what I think you do, Mateo. I think your instincts are right. Rob's throwing up some pretty great images. Yeah.

Not the ones you find in nature, but the ones you find in the tub. Mateo, these aren't for you. These are just for the people who see the video, but they are pretty damn good. But here, Mateo, I think your instinct is correct. Start with the taxidermy duck. I would make it very realistic if you could.

and see what happens from there. If it doesn't work, then maybe get in the duck outfit. But what I'm going to beg, and I know Gareth is too, will you please follow up? This has been my favorite call in a while. I would like to know how this whole thing ends, my friend. We deserve this.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whatever path we take, I will record it and get it to y'all. And I have a ton of clips of him chasing me and his, you know. Do me a favor and send them all and we'll just connect them on to the end of this one. Well, what would be nice would be for maybe when we revisit this, we can start by watching some of the attack clips and see the development with our input. That's a great idea. And then how about calling us back in like a month? Okay.

Would you guys want me to cut the clip into a sort of compilation? Yes. Sure. If you're offering to edit for free, absolutely. Yes. That'd be great. Yeah. We want a documentary. See how it does on round two. Anything? Nope. Okay. Well, there you go, Matteo. Great stuff. Well done. And keep us posted.

Yeah, so absolutely get back to you guys. And I just absolutely love this podcast. Thank you. Hey, Mateo, well, I got to say, you've just become a, you absolutely have become a big part of it. And we're expecting a few follow-ups with you, sir. That's how easy it is. If you're listening and you're like, I want to be a part of this podcast, just,

Be in a weird relationship with a duck. Have the duck make sexual passes at you. Be open to dressing up as a duck to a divinity. If you want to be a part of this show, make your life weird. That's how this works. It's symbiotic. All right, Matteo, thank you. Yeah, guys. Take care. See you, bud. Bye.

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And maybe that's why millions of parents and kids are learning about money on Greenlight already. Start your risk-free Greenlight trial today at greenlight.com slash gillsentme. That's greenlight.com slash gillsentme to get started. greenlight.com slash gillsentme. Hello. Hi, caller. Hey, welcome back to the show. We're here to help. You have Jake, you have Gareth. We know that you are a follow-up, but will you tell us your name and will you tell us what your first call was?

Yes, my name is Zach, and I am the Batman nerd with the Spider-Man loving son. Oh, yeah, right. We were trying to nudge your son in your direction a little bit. But wasn't there also something like you were going to lie to him, and we were saying don't lie to him?

Was that this one, Zach? I'm not necessarily lying. I don't believe we're going to lie. It was more nudging to let him be, pretty much. So, Zach, take over for a second. Walk us through what your first call was, what happened, what our solution was, and what you've done. Yeah, so my first call, I called in about my son might like Spider-Man a little more, and I'm more of a Batman nerd, and I was...

Basically trying to get him to like Batman with me to bond over something. Garrett's first suggestion was to reenact the Batman scene by killing both his parents. That's surprisingly hard to find on Craigslist.

i retract that pitch and no worries um there was another one uh where um we were going to show him how much it hurts to have a spider bite by having like a spider bite his mom and just be like this is not what happened that holds up for me that kind of holds up for me ultimately we get we came to the conclusion of uh

like story time before bed of just um making my own stories for him and just spending that a little extra time at night before bed so that way it gets them like excited um and we just um yeah we started with uh about like once a week uh per jake's suggestion um it started off really good like it he liked it i was just trying to um go off of like what i knew from my comic knowledge um no this is it i believe we we can ring the bell but um oh

Okay, keep going. It's going good. He got excited and then he kept bringing me his children's book called Bedtime for Batman and wanted me to read that a little more. So I read that and surprisingly enough, there's a

a show on netflix i guess i i would say it's more for like older kids like probably 10 to 15 called the batman it's a little darker but my son's now been asking me like before bed to watch an episode or two like he's been bringing it up so i mean he might not be 100 on batman but he definitely enjoys that time that we spend together with the stories and the shows

I think this is so far a win. What's the Spider-Man presence now? How much is he asking for Spider-Man, or how much is Spider-Man...

He still has Spider-Man books, and he really loves story time, so he will bring me some Spider-Man books. But I do think that I see Batman taking over more. He does lean more towards the Batman book and the show. So this is a victory, Zach. Yeah, this is a victory. And you're reading to him at night, and he's now bringing up more Batman stuff. And you're not taking him away from his main love, but you're just...

influence in him the way a parent does. Yeah. Yeah. The slight nudge and just, I think like for him, he just enjoys that time with me as well, as much as I do. So he knows I like it. So I think he's, he is like lean in that way, just in general.

Are you thinking about maybe peppering in a Batman gift or a Batman mask or something like that soon? Yeah, that was going to be like my thought. Like I am thinking about buying him like his first comic book. I think that's right. It's more like it is older, but it's still like a picture book and I can read it to him. So I was considering doing that. I think you said, Zach, I think now we heighten it.

And now you start doubling down a little bit more. I think you could one day, when he's ready for a movie, you rent like the original Batman. Mm-hmm. A little cartoony too. But it just becomes more and more that like, of course he likes Spider-Man. He can like whatever he wants. But you are just continuing to get him things that are Batman themed because that's your guys' bond.

And if he wants to somehow get his own money and buy Spider-Man stuff in his house, then I guess he can figure that out. Yeah, well, he can leave the house, goddammit. This is a Batman home. Yeah, but like, he's allowed to. I guess you could mow lawns at him. Yeah, he could go to the garage and do his little weird thing. Who knows? But in this house, it's just we're leaning more in that direction. It's Wayne Manor. It seems like that's the way you guys are going, and it sounds like...

Gareth, we would be ringing the bell if you had it with you. We're going to need the bell to get repaired soon. It's turning into the Liberty Bell with all the ringing. But yeah, let's give it a bang. I did have a little bit more of a follow-up for you guys and maybe a question if you're willing. Sure.

November 25th, I called it early October, but November 25th, my wife gave birth to our first daughter and we named her Ivy after Poison Ivy. So now I got to try to figure out, get ahead of the game and get this girl into plants. So cute. Get this girl into what? Plants. Plants.

Like poison ivy. Zach, let's enjoy the baby for a few more months before we start thinking about how we get the poison ivy idea to our little head. But I think for Starry, that'll be the next follow-up, I guess. But look, for Starry, what we're going to want to do is we're going to want to get some plants in her bedroom.

Obviously, we're going to want to hang a lot of ivy. We're going to have to want to create the aesthetic for all her baby photos to be lush and green and ivy. Maybe dad dresses up like a bush every now and then. But we're going to want to just set the table that this is the direction she's going in. She has to go in. But again, this is a call for three years from now. Right now, we're going to win with the boy and move forward. This is season four.

It's season four. Season four, Zach. Zach, we appreciate you, buddy. All right, bud. Thank you, guys. I appreciate everything. Thanks, pal. All right, buddy. You have a good one. You too. See you. See you. See you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash heretohelppod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix, and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostyke. Animations by Andrew Strzelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread. You're the perfect little cat just for me. I love you, love you, love you. I'm always thinking of you. I hope that you're thinking of me. Bum, bum, bum.

Hi, guys. I'm Ago Wodum. Check out my new show, Thanks, Dad, now on HeadGum. I was raised by a single mom, and I don't have a relationship with my dad. And spoiler, I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast, I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hasan Minhaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen, and many, many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like,

How do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car? Can you even show me that? Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot? I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad. But subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.