132: You're Outta Line and I'm Outta Time! with Ben Schwartz
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We got a fun one, Gareth. Hi, Jake. Hi. Hey, Shark. What's up, gang? Hey, Shark. Special guest today, Mr. Ben...

Schwartz. Yeah, we'll keep the intro short because the episode's probably going to be long. Yes, he is so funny, always funny. You know him from kind of everything. He's a guy who's guested in a million things. He's the voice of Sonic. I know him from his live show called Ben Schwartz and Friends. Which is touring. Touring. If it's coming to a city near you, I highly recommend it. It will be a ton of fun. He said he's going to Australia. We know that. But they do pop around. They do one weekend a month. Yes.

Ben Schwartz is unthinkably funny on stage. And on this episode. And in life. But if he comes by you, go see the show. Yes. Very funny. So without further ado. Hi. Hi. Can we get your name, please? My name is Adam. Adam. And where are you calling from, Adam? The Boston area. Boston, Mass. And how old are you, Adam? 29. Oh, you're a young guy.

So Adam from Boston, 29, you got a special guest. I know him as one of the funniest guys I've ever met. One of the best live performers of all time. You know that's true. We did Ben Schwartz and Friends back at UCB years ago. Yep. You get that audience in a frenzy. It's a very fun time. We had a great show too. And then you never came back on stage.

I get some anxiety. Love to have you back. You crushed. The voice of Sonic, Mr. Ben Schwartz. Hi, Boston. Boston, how are you today, Boston? You're lucky, Adam. You're lucky. Adam, how are you? I'm doing good. How about yourself? I'm doing well, man. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say. Better be good, Adam. Oh, boy. And so with that in mind, Adam, what is the issue today? Take your time and let's hear it.

Alright, let's see. So, earlier in June of this year, my wife and I got married. Congrats, Mazel. Thank you. And, you know, beautiful day, the whole nine, and it was an open bar. We did not drink, necessarily. God, I'm worried. Adam, I'm worried. I'm immediately worried. Yeah, there's a lot of weird, like, Boston, open bar, no drinking. There's some problems already. No, well, just her and I, we didn't really drink much, but

To keep it short, end of the night, last call, bartender's like, can we get you guys anything? And I was like, oh, you know what? I got a cool idea. Can you send a bottle of champagne to our room? And it was like, they did. All right. We go up to the room, me and the wife, end of the night. The hotel room has a big like soaker tub type thing for two people. So it's like, all right, let's have a bottle of wine. Let's go in the tub.

This is hot, by the way. That's hot. I like this. I bagged her in the tub. In theory, that's what I was going for. You don't get frisky like kittens, but the problem is here. I'm so nervous. Are you guys not nervous? This is so nerve-wracking. He's doing a great job of kind of slow rolling. Oh, my God. Okay, so we're there. We got a bottle of champagne. We got a tub. So she goes to, you know, we get undressed. She goes to the bathroom.

And then she goes to climb in the tub and there's just a clump of toilet paper hanging out of her ass. What? And I just... Gary, you want to say that's hot? And I never told her. Oh, Jesus. Wait. Wait, you pulled it out? Wait, did you say...

Wait, hold on. I got to stop you, Adam. What is the not drinking at your wedding have anything to do with this? What is the champagne have anything to do with this? Because he's sober? Look over here. All this no drinking, bottle of champagne, just that toilet paper asshole. Oh, that you were smashed. Understood. So she took a shit. Shit.

She took a shit and then you guys were going to go in the thing. And so like what I do with my dog when she eats grass, you pulled it out. You pulled the toilet paper out. You said without her knowing, which to me sounds impossible. I don't think she never acknowledged it. What's she going to say, Adam? You're welcome.

Okay, so hold on, Adam. I'm trying to get on top of this. I've got three follow-ups when Jake is done. You go first, actually. When you pulled it out, was there anything on the toilet paper? Did you see shit or no? I grabbed it and I just hummed it behind me. I didn't care to look. Gross. Just on the floor of the bathroom. You just threw it?

I just threw it behind me. I just, I didn't know. I didn't want to spoil the moment, but, uh, I mean, it most certainly did for me. Okay. Yeah, of course it did. Ben, did you have any other follow-up? I have two more if you need them. Please. One of them is, did you give like an Indiana Jones quip? Like, looks like both of us need a bath now or something like that. Did you do like a, did you hit her with something real snazzy where like, yeah, did you absolutely crush James Bond? I was, you know, I was trying to live in the moment of the wedding and I was like, I don't want this to ruin it. And,

Smart. Yeah, it was like, that's just been hovering. That definitely put a door on the night. Everybody's got a plan until you get punched in the face one of those moments. That's right. Yeah. Okay, so any last one? Of course I have a final. Please. And then when you got in that tub, did sexual things happen or was the situation a little bit? And also it's your first night where you are now consummating your marriage. I don't need specifics. I just need to know. Gareth and I would like specifics.

We'll just go slow. Gareth for sure wants to do it. I'm pretending I don't want him, but I'm with Gareth. Let's go slow. I just need a basic gist. Can we buy the dingleberry? And so just to get in this quick before we hear what happened, because I think the question is going to have something to do with the vibes a little different. The night wasn't great, but I could be wrong. But just to recap.

You went out on your wedding. You didn't get drunk. For some reason, you told us there was a bottle of champagne. Is that the scene? How disappointing was it? The whole point of the bottle of champagne was to enjoy it in the bathtub. Okay. So she goes before. It's going to be like a special moment where we just share some champagne and soak in the tub and recap the night.

But all I could think was just about that goddamn toilet paper. So what happened then, Adam? So she gets in the tub. She's crawling in. She's finally out of her dress. You're all excited. You see a little toilet paper. You reach. You throw behind you. Then walk us through what happened after that. After that, I just didn't bring it up. Nothing happened in the tub. No sex. We went to bed. We did our thing. And that was kind of the end of the night. But...

It's just, this has been on my brain and it's like something that I just keep. We're all asking, was there sex after you found out? Yeah, because he said did our thing. I think that means sex in bed. Oh yeah, you betcha. Okay, attaboy. So sex in bed, but not the toe. Oh yeah. Nice. Still got frisky. And Gareth, just so, this is Ben here from New York. Just so I'm on the same page. You don't have a kink about toilet paper just gently rolling out of an asshole, right? She didn't know that was plain to win your kinks? No.

No, sir. No, sir. If so, this is a different call. Yeah, that's what I... But I agree. I like the question. Now we know. Does he need help with it or the help is... We're going to get there. Oh my God, I can't believe there's more. So now we have a pretty clean setup. The night you did have sex... Yes, agreed for her.

uh then what specifically can we help you with today oh my god i love this fucking show make that the clip keep going well just uh you know better not be weak adam this is my first time it better not be fucking weak

how do I tell her? Or do I bring it up? Where was our wedding night? Put her on the phone, Adam. No, not yet. We might end there, Ben. Really? Really? Yeah, we do follow-ups. Yeah, we really might. We've had people back three or four times. How long, Adam? This was in June? For sure. Yeah. Okay, this was in June. So since then, you've been kind of mentally battling the fact that you saw this. Uh,

I'm guessing this hasn't happened again. Like, we're not talking about a... If so, this is a different question. No, she's not a repeat offender or anything. Okay. And then you're obviously still having a sexual relationship with your wife, but it just bothers you and it's just kind of nagging at you a little bit, and it probably...

It matters. And it kind of makes you question the practices a little bit, I guess. I would love to throw you under. Oh, that's interesting. But I would love to tease you, Adam, and make it seem like you're a maniac, but I can relate. Oh, yeah. There are little, like, every once in a while there's a smell or something that happens. Of course. That you're like, I can't get it out of my head. We're animals. You're animals. Can I tell you something else? I've talked to my friends about this exact thing where maybe this isn't the form to bring it up in, but we'll do it anyway. Adam's here. We've got to do it. None.

When we learn how to wipe our asses when we're young, nobody can show you literally how to do it. So I think that everybody wipes their ass a little bit different, and some people wipe their ass inefficiently. You're not wrong. But this to me is like, am I one of those people that are inefficient? I'm not leaving shit in my asshole and walking around to a bathtub, but I'm like, this is an important thing for three, four people to chat about. How do you think, because obviously your wife,

She has a method where it seems as if when she wipes, she puts her... Help me out so I don't sound like a bad guy. She's really pushing in there. Yeah, she's pushing in there and she didn't release. So when you guys wipe... Or she was sweaty. Oh, that's interesting. And she's been dancing all day. I don't think this is a fundamental flaw. I think it's a weird night. Because it's also a dress wipe.

She has that big fucking dress on. That's got to be a little bit of a heightened wipe experience. It's a wipe wedding. It's a big time for a wipe wedding. So I'm going to just try to get us out of her wiping, and I'm going to tell you why. Because she's not the one who called. I can't wait to find out how you wipe. If you're able to share that, I can't wait. Who, me? Yeah, you. I just know it's fucking dirty. It's totally true. Bidet, baby.

Do you? Do you bidet? Well, I've got the, that's going to be part of my advice is the little tushy. While we're doing songs. It's a beautiful bidet. What do you say? A little tushy. It's this like the Howard Stern thing? No, because he's got the Japanese toilet. I don't do that. I would love to try. But no, it's like a little attachment you put on your toilet seat. That's what everybody has. Yes.

It's big in the... How do you wipe it? I have those Cottonelle wet wipes. That's good, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, guys, we got to get back to the premise. Yeah, sorry. Adam, around Boston. So, Adam, your specific question then, and you take over if I'm saying it wrong, is after this night, it's lingering in your head. Yeah. What do you do now? Is that correct? Or you said, do I tell her? Yeah.

Well, I guess the combination of do I tell it, do I let it go, you know, where it was the wedding night. I don't want to tire him to shit on her end, but I just, yeah. And I think wedding, every time it's brought up, I just think about that little bit of toilet paper. So let me ask you a real question, Adam. How much are you thinking about this toilet paper in the ass? And I need a real answer. Is it like it comes up once if someone says wedding, that's all you think? Or is this an issue? Is it linked with sexual stuff now?

Not with sexual stuff. It's more linked with like the wedding itself. Just every time we talk about the wedding, because obviously, what?

Wedding happened. Now that's like the whole story of the song we're going to talk about. So you look at a wedding photo of you guys, you're imagining toilet paper in your ass. But regular Wednesday night after work, you're not thinking toilet paper in the ass? That's where I'm stuck. Okay, so I'm starting to get it. To not be able to talk about your wedding without thinking about that, it is a little bit of a mind-bender. This seems like you can get over this. I agree. This seems like you 100% bring it up. I know my pitch. What? You already know it? Yeah. What? Never tell her.

Really? It will crush her. I don't believe that's what you think. You think you would never tell her? You imagine telling a woman on your wedding night, my dear, and she's like, by the way, the photos turned out great. And you go, they look beautiful. And she goes, and everyone was so sweet. Like, everybody came who we wanted to come. And then we did the dance. And she goes, like, dancing with my dad. Like, I didn't think I was going to get emotional. And he goes, oh, yeah? The end of the night, you had toilet paper in your fucking ass. All she's going to take away is...

You know what, Adam? Swallow this grenade and die with it. Wow. This is yours. Yours alone. She made a human mistake. I'm so interested with Gadsden. Maybe this is what the podcast is that you guys are so different. Yeah. I mean, I would agree if I... The fact that he keeps thinking about it is a problem. I would say if you're going to tell her you want to find a way to not make it like a TP intervention. And so what I would maybe do is I would maybe...

Find a way to make it something that just happened to you

and bring it up and see if you can parlay that into the conversation. But it hasn't happened again. Won't she find out you're on this podcast? Isn't this the biggest risk of all? It's a big risk. It's a huge risk. Adam, you're absolutely from Medford. He is from Massachusetts. I know, he's from Medford, right near Boston. We know exactly where you are. We know exactly where you fucking work. You don't think your wife listens to this podcast? Tom Holland's brother listens to this podcast. You don't think your wife listens to this fucking podcast? Just so you know who you're dealing with, Adam. Do you have fear that she's going to hear this podcast? You can say that.

I would say more than likely not, no. Okay, so then, Ben, what's your pitch? So I'm a don't tell. Gareth is bring up the conversation that you had toilet paper in your, go ahead. I also think there, if we find out her general disposition, there is a world where we do call. Her. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. I think this is a big mistake. This is fucking insane. This is what you guys do? Yeah. You ruin people's relationships. No. We're going to pitch on it. Okay. So I'll pitch. We're going to get a bell to ring. We're blues guys. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. These are moonshots. We're going to pitch all of our ideas. Pardon the pun. Then we're going to go to him. He's going to say what he likes. And then we're going to pitch on that and come up with a solution that he's happy with. We're just pitching to him. Is it immediate gratification where when we figure out what to do, we do it right then? Sometimes. Depending on the thing. Oh, my God. I'm fucking...

anxious for you Adam what do you think first of all Adam get a divorce no I'm kidding I would if it was me I have a problem with spiraling where if I think it's something I can't stop thinking about it and it gets in the way of me enjoying other things if you're like that which maybe you're not but I would have to say I would have to say if it's bothering me so much I would have to say something

Unless you know it's something that would break her. Okay, you're Adam. You're the wife. Thank you. Let's just see what happens. Absolutely. Oh, gosh. I'm so checkered out. I know. Do you want to order a bottle of champagne after we haven't drank all night?

Sure. I guess. Wait, are we doing the wedding? No, no, no. You're doing right now. Oh, yeah. I know. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know. Okay. Oh, you're recreating the wedding night? What do you mean? A bottle of champagne? What's happening? Get a bottle of champagne. Just get a bottle of champagne. Do you remember on... This is so crazy. What? Do you remember... First of all, how fun was our fucking wedding? Oh, my God. The best. Oh, my God. That's why we have all those pictures on the wall right there. They're gorgeous. All those. And they're kind of tilted to the side, but I can bring them back towards the way they're looking at us. What I'm thinking is... It's fine. Um...

Do you remember when we got home? You mean at the hotel? Yeah. Or when we got home home? This has kind of been bothering me. First of all, the wedding was amazing. I love the wedding. This has nothing to do with the wedding not being amazing. What's going on? It's literally so stupid, but you're going to laugh about this because... I'm laughing a little already. It's very funny.

Okay, so remember how we were virgins on our wedding night? Yes. And then we said we're going to have sex in this tub? Yeah, the tub sex. Yes. So you went to the bathroom, and I don't know what happened, but on the way back, you're going to laugh at this. You had, okay, do you know like, okay. Mm-hmm.

Bunnies. Bunnies have these little white puffy tails in the back. Sure, they're tails. So you walked behind. I was like, what is that? Did she have a funny little... So this is what happened. So you went to the bathroom. Yeah, I remember. And I think you took a poop. What?

Is that true? Is that? I don't know why. Where's this going? I don't know. You had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your asshole. What? And I saw it. What do you mean? And like almost like a fruit by the foot. I like almost. You know like when magicians take out like a. Hey, Ben. Yeah. I got to jump in here. Yeah. What?

Now his man on the couch talking for Adam. How is this going to help him? Let me finish. You know how the magicians pull out that big thing and it just keeps coming out? So I took out this toilet paper and it just kept coming out of your asshole like a snake coming out of it. Adam. But the funny thing is, I just want to tell you because I think about it all the time, but I was like, I think we would laugh about this. So you had a tiny bit of toilet paper and I just pulled out and threw it to the side. You pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my ass? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that funny? I...

It is kind of funny. All right, Adam. It is kind of funny. I was making it more comedic, but you could do that way quicker. Adam, do you think in reality, in your version with her, she's going to end the way

this version ended because my two senses, I don't know a woman in the world who's at the end of that going to go, it is kind of funny that you pulled toilet paper out of my ass, but I want to hear from you. In real life? In real life. I think she would just be mortified and embarrassed. Would she get over it, Adam? Would she get over it?

Hard to say. I think she would, but just I think she'd be afraid of like any joke making between us. Well, that hasn't happened. And I don't think it. But now let's say I may be able to help myself, but make a joke. Adam, do you see any world where you're going to tell her? But I want the truth. If it is, we can help there. But right now we've given this is crazy. This is intense. You tell her you don't tell her. I definitely want to tell her. You do want to tell her, man, man.

Tell me why you want to tell her because I think you're me. Tell me why you want to tell her. It's just one of those get it off your chest type things where it's like, you know, it's just one of those get it out of your ass kind of things. It's like get it off your chest, pull it out of your butt. Can I ask you a question? This is a psychology question. Do you think part of you telling us is to now force you to tell her?

Like, you telling us kind of puts the pressure on you, like, fuck, now I kind of have to tell her. Do you think there's a part of that? That's a good question. Very interesting. Absolutely, yeah. See? My man. My absolute man. Okay, so if he wants to tell her, then...

It really is about how we look at Jake. Yeah, how do you do it? By the way, I'm just saying now before we pitch, we're not having our on. That's going to be too much of a stomach. I agree. I don't want to be involved if a marriage goes south. I agree. This won't air. Let's be honest. We just did one, actually, where the woman called back and our advice led to a really big fight. I can't do it. You cannot be responsible. This was in a low stakes way. Yeah, I agree. You have to make it their decision. It's always their decision. Yes, legally. But you are peer pressuring them a little bit if you're like,

if you guys like no so we at times we are a hundred percent and that one we were very confident and it did go sideways what was that one something like i feel like something stupid you said it was a ben affleck j-lo thing right yeah we were j-lo and what they got divorced yeah i know oh yeah they had right yeah that's a huge so yeah adam can we can we try something just to see what zone you're in

Can you, would you mind being her? I would love to. What's her name? Oh, I'm going to make her name Ellen. I don't want to know what it is. So Adam, will you give Ben a little info about Ellen so that it feels, because I want to feel how it might actually feel. Is she chatty? Is she silly? Is she quiet? What kind of lady is she? But not too much that her friends will know you're talking about her right now. Right. I would say she's more on the silly side, big into, you know, sitcoms and such like that. Just definitely silly, you know,

Goofy fun. Yeah, I mean... So she might have fun with this. Oh, I think this is going to be fun. I think she could have fun, but I'm just afraid of it being attached to the wedding. Right. So we need to figure out how you'd frame this so that she can have fun with it and it's not negative. This is nice, you guys. Yes. Okay. I am channeling Ellen. I am...

Ellen, I am ready for you. Adam. Adam, start whenever you want. Think levity, lightness, fun, charm. Am I playing this for real or for comedy? A little bit of both. Sorry, Adam. Make it your own. Let's be honest. Make it your own. Shout out. Okay, ready. Whenever you are ready, Adam, we want her to laugh at this and not feel like she ruined the wedding by being a disgusting animal. She didn't ruin it. She didn't ruin it. Nobody was there. She made it.

Here, I'm watching Friends. Hey, girl. What's up, boy? Adam, did you see this episode of Friends? This is the one where they actually find out that Ross and Rachel, they're going to kiss. Quick side, I appreciate you using regular voice.

By the way, I appreciate it. I don't know what nationality she is. I don't want to go crazy. I appreciate it. Unless, Adam, do you need me to do a higher voice for you? That'd be sweet, yeah. Okay. Wow, that'd be sweet. Hey, can we start again with, hey, girl? Okay, I'll pick a different. Hi, Adam. Hey, girl. Hey, what's up? Just watching Frasier. This is the one where his brother is a weak...

I gotta talk to you. About what, baby? Our wedding. Oh my God. Do you remember our wedding? It was awesome. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it's almost been a year. We're getting there. Don't rush. We're just... Don't rush. Get your hand off my leg. Don't rush. All right. Sorry. Sorry, Adam. Yeah.

Something's bothering me a little bit that I wanted to, you know, kind of run by. Was it the end of Sopranos? I don't know. We got the champagne sent to the room and, you know, we went upstairs. We asked if they could send it up to the room. I absolutely remember. That was so cute of you. It was cool. And obviously we get up there and like, you know, again, undressed, ready for a bath. You had to go to the bathroom. Okay, Adam. Okay.

And, yeah, well, when you were climbing into the tub, there was, I just, I don't know how else to say it, but there was just a clump of toilet paper stuck to you. Sorry. I just, I clutched it off. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me just pause Boy Meets World. How many sitcoms are you watching? How many screens you got, honey? A goggle. What do you mean by, I'm so sorry, what do you mean by clump? Like a piece of toilet paper? What is it? Because I didn't hear clump before. What is clump? Ew.

Clumps of wrong words. You know it. You know, like, it was like a couple pieces of toilet paper folded up. Oh, my God. Okay. So what... Oh, my God. But I didn't see it in the tub. So what happened? I went in the tub and I didn't see anything come up. Well...

As you were climbing in, I just grabbed it and I just kind of tossed it behind us by the toilet. Oh my God, that is the sexiest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. Spin doctor, spin. I cannot believe it. Spin doctor? Spin doctor. Oh, fuck. How can I think of one spin doctor song? Someone, please. Two princes. The prince is here before you. Wait, okay, so. Wait, was that?

- Is that Spindockers? - Yeah. - Nice, both you guys. ♪ Now go ahead now ♪ ♪ Spindock ♪ ♪ Running you with ♪ Adam, this is what she'll be doing. ♪ Why ♪ - And then it's a montage if you guys are having fun and she forgets about it. - So you are 100%, you think it's a good idea to tell your wife that two months ago on the night of your guys' wedding,

She had one little blunder. She had a tiny piece of fucking toilet paper in between her fucking butt cheeks for one second, and you, Adam, can't fucking deal with a bad memory. Jake, Jake, Jake. You okay? Sorry, blood is coming out of Jake's nose. What? You know what, Adam?

Adam, I'm going to talk to you now like you're my son. Oh, my God. Here we go. You know what? This is not good, by the way. You're a guy from Massachusetts. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Deal with it. Oh, my God, Adam. Guess what? You know what's going to happen one day when a baby pops out of her? You're going to see a lot more than fucking toilet paper. Okay, Jake, I think you're going to live a little over it. Pull your big boy pants up and deal with it. You got a beautiful wife. You're a 29-year-old kid. You're happily married. Never tell this woman there was a clump of toilet paper in your fucking ass. Jake, you're really aggravated right now. You're out of luck.

What?

I don't think a few good men started and you're out of time. You're out of line and I'm out of time. And this court's out of order. I think that is a direct Al Pacino line. It can't be. From something. Dog Day Afternoon wins. You mix them all together. You can form that. AI can pull that together fast. But that's where I'm at. Allen Iverson? I think that...

So what do you think, Adam? So, Adam, where are you? Let's get clean on this for a second. What are you actually feeling? And then we're going to tighten up and we're going to help you figure this out. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, I think I'm still going to try to find a way to tell her. So then if you tell her, here's my honest advice to you. I think you need to say, I want to make something crystal clear. This is not a big deal. This is my issue, not yours. I think that's right. All right.

Listen, there are people who go to war and have to come back and just sit with the secrets in their head. So you just you might I think just you have terrible stuff overseas. Yes. I mean, we're talking about people like they killed people. Are you saying it's not a big that's or shouldn't be a big deal? So don't bring it up. I'm saying I'm saying I'm saying live with the secret for at least a year.

And then at that point... Oh my God, I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea. What about this? What about this? Yeah, on your 15th anniversary... Give her the dingleberry. I think... You've saved her this whole time. I think this is what you do. You'd be like, hey, this thing happened. I just want to know if you knew it happened, right? Because she must have. You can't pull out something from someone's asshole. That's interesting. I was like, what if you're like, did you know...

I mean, did you know? Ooh, this is right. I like wedding day. I like that. Yeah. So I think Adam jump. I didn't want you to be embarrassed or anything like that. So I wouldn't even go embarrassed. I think it's like, that's a good, no, no embarrassment. I would do it a game, Adam. I would go, I just need to know something. That's right. This is, this is the way to do it. We just figured it out. Get her on the phone. Nope. Nope. Okay. Sorry. But here's honestly, that's right. Adam, here's what I would do. Here would be my play. Cause it's shocking. Will you be her? Sure.

I need to ask you something. And this could be drinking. Okay. This goes together. Hey, girl. Hey. Hi. You've already been out. Jesus, that's a lot. So I got to ask something because I just honestly don't know. Yeah. Okay. I honestly don't know. About what?

On our wedding night, when you got into the tub, do you remember I grabbed something from your butt or no? What? You don't remember? Too harsh, but you're there. You're the right world. What do you mean? You're Adam. I'm her. Okay. And I'm going to try to do it like her. I'll be Billy Crystal and forget Paris. Great. Great. Fantastic. Let's see it.

- Hey, I have to, there's something that I just am so curious about just from like, almost like a MythBusters standpoint, the night of our wedding. - Okay. - Like, when you got into the tub that night, do you remember this? I feel like you must've noticed that I did something to your butt. - That's right, that's right, that's right.

Yeah, I do. Okay. Do you know what I was doing? No. Because you didn't even say anything. Well, I didn't know what you were doing. You touched my butt. A little. Yeah. Close. Well, what I did was I pulled a little piece of TP out. That's right, Gary. What? Oh, my God. You didn't feel it? I didn't know that. This is great. Are we getting this? This is great. Adam, what do you think about doing it? It's not an issue. It's not a problem. Yes. You've been wondering if she knew.

That's what I'm saying. I agree. What do you think? Yes. I think that's definitely the right way to go about it. So let's hear you do it.

Oh, yeah. Just kind of bring it up in a sense of like, hey, you're going to be her. Wow. Kevin B. We've all heard so much. And you're going to be you be you. And let's hear. Oh, we'll be the three amigos. Yes. No, I think so. Yeah. My little buttercup has the sweetest smile. Adam, I wanted to see this at the best of your ability. This is real, Adam. Don't commit to it.

Hey, girl. Do you remember the night of the wedding? Like, at some point, I, like, just, like, as we were climbing in the tub, like, I touched your butt. I mean, I'm sure you did. I don't, I guess I don't remember a specific instance of it. All right. Don't worry about it. Thank you for the call, man. Unbelievable. We appreciate it. Take care, Adam. We got to know how it goes. Follow up, Adam. For fuck's sake, follow up. Take care. Bye. Bye, bud. Thank you guys so much.

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And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love and adore Squarespace. We want to have Squarespace as a guest on the show, but they have repeatedly told us that it's not there's not a person, but we would love to meet the guy or the woman, whatever it is.

Look, they legitimize your website. My website is Squarespace. Kevin's website is Squarespace. Super user-friendly. Many of our callers' websites are Squarespace. Yeah, we did the wigs and suits. They were Squarespace. This woman called and she'd been lying to her boss about taking cooking classes while she was going off and doing some more naughty stuff.

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It makes you legitimized in the website world. You need a website. Just ask Kevin. So join us on a Squarespace journey. Head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Meg. Okay. And where are you calling from, Meg?

Lincoln, Nebraska. Ooh, Nebraska. Cool. And about how old are you? 23. 23. You like bands? You like music? I like music, yeah. Who's your favorite musician currently? Probably Lana Del Rey or Taylor Swift. Sure, sure, sure. Friends of the show. Yeah.

Shut up. So Meg from Nebraska, you like Taylor Swift. You got me and Garth. Obviously you got the shark and you've got Mr. Ben Schwartz, the voice of,

of sonic hi how are you the leader of ben schwartz and friends who if you're in an area it's doing live oh yeah go see it later you gotta come so see it you are you going to nebraska i'm not going to nebraska but surely there's a state right next door take a plane i'll take a plane so meg had changed we're all three are we here what can we do for you today

Okay, so mine is kind of short, but basically I've noticed that my boss individually plucks what I can only assume is her leg hair from her legs with tweezers when she's on a long work call and she seemingly gets bored. And I just, I want it to stop.

Of course you do. But I don't know how, and I don't want it to come from me. Understood. This is a great call. Yes. This almost disgusts me more than our last call. Of course. Are you kidding me? This is very bothersome. So you mean she plucks him, and then it's a weird habit, and then just puts the hairs down? Yeah, where are the hairs going?

I don't know where the hairs go. So she's just plucking and dropping. I don't get close enough to her to watch where they go, but I think they just go back onto her leg or the ground or whatever. Meg Benchworth's here. I play Dewey Duck in DuckTales. I got a question for you. Is she in a different office that is kind of closed off and you have to kind of really look to see this? Or is it an open space where she's right next to you? Everybody can fucking see this. That's a good question.

It's an open space. Everybody can see it. I just looked over one day and realized that's what she was doing. We each have our own desk, but it's very open. So just walk us through Meg when you first saw it, how it happened, what you saw. So basically she's on a call. She's got tweezers. She's wearing some skirt. And so she's shaves her legs before I'd imagine at work and then plucks the loose ones. Walk me through it. I'm not fully getting it.

but I am with Gareth somehow it's disgusting but I don't quite get it I mean they're really small so I don't actually see it happening I see her picking at her leg with tweezers okay so like the little blonde hair is still sticking around okay it could be like hair but it could also be skin I've seen her picking at her feet before whoa lead with that what she feet picks at work okay

And so you're seeing this healing herself, but it's not about the, the hair or the skin remaining. It's about the act of doing it is grossing you out. And you want that act of her picking her legs stuff to stop. Is that correct?

- Yes, correct. - This is hard. - Meg, this is Ben Schwartz, I played Rabbi, and this is where I leave you. What I'm thinking is this, it's making me look inward and think about what kind of weird shit do I, do I have any things where I'm like, I would never do that. - As you're doing it, I was twirling this. - Exactly, I was like, I wonder if someone finds that. But I think it's almost like when I see people clipping nails in public,

like that's like, oh man, now all that dead stuff is around. Right. I was like, I wonder, has she ever seen you looking again? This has been, uh, I played Leo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let's hear it. Let's hear Leo. Um, no, she, she's never seen me. By the way, I call bluff. Prove it. Eyes closed.

I want to hear Leo. Leo is my own voice. Dewey Duck was higher. I should have said Dewey. And I want to hear Dewey. It's real. Oh, he's the real deal. You know what, Meg? He ain't full of shit. Okay, so Gareth, what do we got on this one? Where are you at? What other coworkers are you commiserating over this? Are people talking or is this just kind of your own little private prison?

It's kind of private. I could bring it up to another co-worker that sits in her direct vicinity and could see, but I'm not really sure if she would care. She kind of has her own. Yeah. I would think for the pitches you're going to get from me, do not tell anyone else you work with. Yeah, so it's got to be pretty clear. Really? Yeah, because I think...

Well, I wish I knew if it was leg hair she's plucking. This is a huge part for me as well. Because if it is, I can pitch in that direction. If it is, I would recommend an anonymous waxing gift certificate. No. And on the memo line, you write, for your leg. And you drop. No. You drop it on the desk. So she's doing it for a nervous tick. That's right. But I think that's just a way. I'll do this. But that's just a way. My pitch is just a way to say, hey. Cool it. Noticed.

You know that's a terrible pitch. You know it's a terrible pitch. Even while you're pitching it, I can tell it's a terrible pitch. And I know you know it. No, I don't. Now I know it. I've been doing this for a while with him. He does it. Really? That's not a joke, bitch. You think not saying a word but giving this woman, you need to get your fucking legs and bottom whacked.

But I hear what you're saying. Okay, you're leaving something. Here's an old pitch. You'll hate this one too. Then don't say it. Steal the tweezers. Yeah. Steal the tweezers. Who are you? I'm sure you... She thought about that. There we go. Then you got the murder weapon, kid. Now what are you going to do with it? Smoking guns in your hand. He would get more. I know. Of course he would. That's the problem. I think this is what you do. I think if you see it one time,

If you see it happening, look at it for a second, and then you could look at her for a second and look it away. And I think she would get so embarrassed she would stop. I have a pitch on that pitch. Or I think just if it's like a tick and she's just like rubbing her leg, she's allowed to do that. That's not weird. Yes. But she's picking her toes. But I have a pitch on Ben's pitch. Go.

It's not going to be easy. What I'm going to say is going to be wrong. Can you drop some resume stuff real quick? I feel like that's locked us in a little bit better when Ben's. Oh, sorry. Ben Schwartz. I was the third on the call sheet in House of Lies. Had a double trailer. Thank you. Interesting. Prove it. Hey, it's me, Clyde Oberholt. He's real. That one got me. Here's my pitch, Meg, and it's not going to be right, but there might be a zone here. When she starts messing with her legs, hit an air horn.

It's crazy. It's right, so I know that's not right, but what we're looking to do is this. She's like this, yeah, hello. You can't do that to your boss. Are you trying to get a Pavlovian response from her? Yes, spray it like, if a dog barks, you spray it, and they go like, what the fuck are you doing? You can't do that to your boss. I agree, but there could be something. Okay, here's what I got. Ready for this? I'm almost thinking you don't do anything. Keep going. I want you to get your own set of tweezers.

Okay. And I want you to start doing it on the calls when she's doing it. Now she's the weirdo. Don't make Meg the weirdo. That's my friend. It's like how peanut shells end up on a bar floor. One psycho started, so I would say just start doing it just because we're now allowing smoking in the office. Meg, can I ask a question? Yes. What would Lana Del Rey do in this situation? That's a great question.

I think she would probably just be like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, you think she would say something? So Meg, are you thinking of talking to her about it? God, that's too much. Boss, employee, I don't know if it's wise, but is that what you're thinking? I think if she saw, like if we go off the page of like, she sees me looking at her. That's what I'm saying. I might be inclined to be like,

Are you okay? Is there something wrong with your leg? Your gut feeling is possibly enter the world of concern. Is that correct? Yeah.

Because there is a world where she goes, we could and we've pitched on stuff like this before by just saying like, hey, FYI, I heard this thing where if you pluck the hair, you could create a whole rash thing. So I'm just saying, like, be careful with over plucking hairs on legs. She goes, I noticed you do it. I do it, too.

Just as a heads up. So the woman goes like, oh shit, I guess I'm doing it. Now you're in her world. Now she could talk to you about it. Your buddies. Yeah, exactly. Sorry to overstep. If I offend you, ignore me. But I saw you plucking it and I do that too. And what it could lead to is ingrown hairs. That could be like such an issue. I had a cousin who had to do a surgery. I can't believe you guys are the people who host this show.

I cannot believe you guys are the people who host the show. You don't think that's right? Meg, when you listen to this show, do you think the advice they give out is one through ten? Ten being the best advice you ever heard, one being like, never listen to that. What do you think the average is? Because I'm just catching up right now. Be honest, Meg. It depends. It depends. I need you to give me an average. I would say overall. Yeah, go ahead. Seven. I'll take a seven. Seven is great. Seven is unbelievable. Seven is unbelievable. And then how do you feel like they're handling this today, one through ten? I mean, I think...

pretty well maybe like eight i'm not gonna say that i do that as well i feel like i'm taking crazy probably hurt so what do you by the way how nervous were you getting during that i i was i thought she was gonna say six whatever she said we were both gonna say pretty good yeah seven is really good but if she went like this four i was gonna go pretty good so no matter what i knew we were yeah yeah i agree but i'm happy with this i am too this is going great so ben you're taking crazy pills we're doing a bad job hold on the

The floor is yours. I would love to. So, Megan, this is what I think. This is what I think. Ben Schwartz, Undercover, JJ Abrams, Direct and Pilot. Wow. This is what I think for real. I think if she notices you looking once, I mean, you don't do it crazy. Wait, just the pilot? That show got picked up. Well, JJ directed the pilot, then we had other...

You just wanted to mention it. It's impressive. It's impressive. No, but the show's called Undercover. He runs Hollywood for God's sake. Josh Reams directed it. Josh Reams directed it. Like three guys running the business. Yeah, but the show is called Undercover. I watched it. Yeah, so? You don't say the J.J. Abrams. Did he not? Did he not? Undercover.

Okay, Meg. That's it. Now I'm taking crazy pills and you know it. Meg. Meg. That's it. I was like, oh, JJ shot a pilot. It didn't go. And I go, it did go. I know. It's called Undercover. That's the credit. All right. Oh,

I'm taking the crazy pills out of your pocket. Floor is yours. Floor is mine, Meg. Sorry about that. Okay. I think if you, if she, do you think Meg, just being you right now, the guys, the guys went home, the guys went home. If you, if you think she saw, if you think she saw you see, if you think she knew that you saw that, what do you think her real reaction would be? No jokes. What do you think her real reaction would be? Do you think she'd care?

No, I honestly don't think she would care because she knows she's in a public office. It wouldn't be inappropriate, right? That's not one of the things in a public office that wouldn't be an inappropriate thing to do, or is it? I don't know what the etiquette is. Hey, Jake Johnson, Jake has a pilot called New Girl.

That's smart. He directed the pilot? Yes. I didn't know that. I'm so happy to know that information now. That's unbelievable. Stop it. That's it for you. God. Stop it. Keep going. This has worked with some big people. Yeah, huge. Thanks, man. She knows she's plucking her hair. Yes. She's got a tick. Yes, she has a tick. We're dealing with somebody who is doing something, but she's on a business call in her own little space going like this.

I do stuff like that. I know. That's what I'm worried about. I wouldn't do that at work. But I don't think she's around people. I don't think she knows. I don't think she is cutting. I know, but that's what, so that's what I think, like, a way to stoke her into being like, hey, you're doing this. Is give her the wax? Or something. No way. How often have you seen her do this? Is it just one time? Okay, I got one. How often is she wearing skirts? And you're going to hate this one. Wait, wait, wait, Meg, just answer me that. How often have you seen her do this? Just one time?

I've seen her do the leg thing twice. I've seen her pick out her feet numerous times. All right, Gareth, that's a good one. What is the picking at the feet? Yeah, that's the problem. How are her feet exposed? Yes. Sandals. And what is she picking her feet with, her fingers or the tweezers? Usually it's fingers. But I haven't seen her messing with her feet since she started...

up with the tweezers in the leg. I got a note for you, Meg, and I love you, and we're going to solve this problem. To me, the feet is by far a more egregious thing. I agree. That to me is fucking like chimpanzee shit. Here's what I'm going to say.

You called about the tweezer leg problem. I think there's a way where we can try to attack that problem. And maybe that sends a message to the body of your boss. I think this is going to be 0 for 3. I think you're going to strike out. I got a strong feeling you're right. Go for it. Confidence. Confidence. You also said COVID wasn't real at the beginning. And it wasn't. Keep going, Gareth. Okay. Buy her a pair of tweezers. Nice ones. And give them to her.

and be like, "Hey, I see you doing this with your leg. "These are like the best tweezers for hair extraction." I wanna keep going, keep going. I'm listening. Unfortunately, I'm near the end. - That was it. But it's to get, I hear what you're saying. - It's putting a positive spin on the what the fuck is going on. - So what is the real pitch if you have a boss do it? Take away feet, take away tweezers. Your boss does something weird, it's ruining your vibe,

She's the boss. Yeah. So you can't say, hey, cool it. You can get fired. Yeah. How do you tell somebody who is in a position of power this weird tick you do? Doctors know. Is barfing me out. It's tough. Also, Meg, is it affecting your work? I mean, sometimes. Like, I'm taking a really long lunch right now. Yeah, to do this call, though. Meg, get her on the phone real quick. So, Meg, here's my honest pitch. Here's my real pitch to you.

Fake concern. Gara said doctor's note, but I would lean into that zone and I would say, hey girl, just want to let you know, I've seen you doing something that my cousin did and you're puckling out hairs. And she goes, I am. And you go, obviously none of my business. I'm just saying this out of concern. She did it. It led to a really bad rash. Is that true?

Is this true? Is this medically true? Look how good it is. Oh, of course not. This is Meg's pit, but this is the pit. And you go, but it led to like a rash on her leg where she needed to get steroids. And she goes, obviously, do your thing. I'm just letting you know that those hairs can get ingrown and infected. It's not a bad pitch. And go like, girl, I watched it with my cousin. It got so grim. And then go, anyway.

Love ya and go back to work. Put in her head this fucking weird habit I got could end up with a fucking rash. I'm done.

It's not a bad pitch. I love the Jake ending to what the boss said. I quit. I can't do this. You don't want to make it uncomfortable where she like now the boss feels uncomfortable around Meg, like who is just trying to fucking work there. Yeah, it's such a weird situation. It's hard. It's not totally your business. Yes, but it's also like if she's clicking on her feet, it's kind of disgusting. But Meg, what do you think of that?

pitch of saying to her it's partly so we're going to go to you now what do you think of the idea of giving her tweezers what do you think of the idea of giving her either wax what do you think of just bringing it up what do you think of going to her and bringing up the idea of uh my cousin or somebody in my life did that too and it led to a bad infection of those pitches what zone are you going towards

I think I like the treater's idea. I do fear that would egg her on. But I think that, like, Satan, my cousin, got a really bad infection from doing that.

- In public, I think is a really good bet. And it'll come from like a-- - Oh, it's good, okay. - Like, concern. - My pitch is just react, just let her see that you see it. - Make eye contact. Make a little bit more of a meal of noticing. - If someone did that to me, I would be mortified. - And don't like give her attitude or anything. - No, notice. - Linger there enough for her to know that like, oh my God, she sees.

I didn't even know. Because I think she doesn't know she's doing it. I think so, too. I think it's an out-of-body experience. That's exactly. So, Meg, what do you think about lingering eye contact and then that awkward smile after? Like, saw that. And then maybe do that a couple of times. I think that's really good. Okay. And then after that... I don't know about the smile. I didn't pitch a smile. That's a Jake Johnson original. But what is the... The smile's funny. What I wanted to say after, I want you to look for a little bit, and then when she sees you, I want you to...

- I'm gonna wink at her. - Wait, Jake, the smile. - The smile is this. - Okay, well here. - You're her. - Yeah. - Okay. - It's the same, I'm not judging you. - It's an awkward smile. - But we made eye contact, it's not going like this. - I think just look away, just look away, get out. - But this is what you don't wanna do with your boss.

This is what I think you should do. Who am I looking at? Who's the boss? Pretty good, too. I like the smile on Ben's last one. So, Meg, if you make eye contact with her, does it warrant anything after in your honest opinion? Smart question.

No, I don't think so. Just like making sure she knows that I saw. But a weird smile I would be willing to do, I would not wink. This is smart, Meg. This is smart, Meg. So, okay, so you're going to do that. Don't get fired. Don't get fired. You're going to do that how many times until you do the cousins got a rash? You want to say three times?

No, you can't do it three times. That makes the weirdo. If she keeps going, Meg, go ahead. I think it's got to be like the second time I see her. The second time. I think that's right. I make eye contact with her. Are we saying during? Yeah. Do you go right away? Yeah. Be like, so my cousin used to do that actually.

And she ended up getting a really, really bad rash. I agree. Good performance, Meg. Great performance. Meg, do you want to be an actress? That was a great performance. Meg, what pilots have you been in and who directed them? Meg, I think that's right. I would go one, awkward. The second time, once the work stuff's over, I would go, just so you know, I mean, I don't care, but do the cousin. Yes. I think that's right. Yeah. So, Meg, what are you going to do? This is tough. Meg, what do you think?

That's what I'm going to do. You are going to do it? Great. Will you follow up with, if it's just the look and it ends, great. If you do the cousin thing, will you follow up with us? Yes. So will you follow up with us after the cousin things, if you have to go there, and if not, and it's a happy ending, then follow up with us eventually and just tell us that it all worked out and maybe we'll be a 7.5. Yep.

It's very good for guys like us. Meg, I'm rooting for you. Just also follow your instinct. If it feels like something bad is happening, get out. Get out. Don't do it. Don't do it. Bye, Meg. Best of luck. Thank you.

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Especially Kevin. Hey everyone, it's the Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on October 28th. It's called Shirt Title Merch Business with Katherine Reitman, and it is the second call from the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi, welcome back to We're Here to Help. We...

Know that you're a follow-up, but we don't know what the follow-up is. It's just Gareth and the shark on this one, so we'll have to relay your follow-up to Jake, but why don't you let us know what was the original call and where are you at?

All right. This is Claire, and you might not recognize me as I'm sober this time, but I threw a murder mystery party. You were at the wedding or engagement party, right? Yes. I sure was. Okay. And what was your original problem? I can't remember exactly. I needed help planning a Mad Men murder mystery party. Oh, right. Yes. We pitched forever on your Mad Men murder mystery party. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for sending me the audio because I needed it after. I don't remember what we said. So what did we end up landing on exactly? Yeah, there was a lot of plot points pitched for why we were gathering who got killed. So we were celebrating the closing of an Nabisco deal that the ad agency closed. And the guy who...

Closed the deal. We named him, well, you guys named him Troy. We ended up naming him Dick. And he was stealing all the women's ideas and pitching on them. And one of the women's husbands was sick of it and he killed him. And there was a pitch to kill him with a plunger.

Uh-huh. We did not go with the plunger death. Probably the right call. But it was awesome. Everyone came like dressed perfectly. Martinis and cigarettes in hand and great outfits. I sent some pictures. Oh, yeah. Pictures with Gareth right now. That's great. And what were you on a ladder for that first picture? That was a very high vantage point shot. OK, great. Yeah.

Oh, there's a guy smoking. Lots of smoking, lots of drinking. My friend bartended. Jesus, everyone was smoking. Were people who didn't smoke smoking?

Yes. Okay. Everyone leaned in. Yeah. So we did like a cocktail hour. And then at one point I screamed in the back room and everyone came running and Dick was dead on the floor. And one of the pictures shows that. All right. Keep going. So then Dick came back. Well, my friend who played Dick came back as the

The twin brother detective to help solve the murder. Yeah. And my friend got progressively more drunk through the night and then would forget what had actually happened. You mean not the character, your friend as a human? My friend the human. Right. So I had to keep going and reminding the detective of...

of what actually happened. Sure. Who even am I? Yeah. I think we needed to do an open investigation as to how to find more makers. Okay. So was it a success? It was. Yeah. Everyone, when they walked in, got a... Did we...

And again, I'm happy for you. Good, good, good. Whatever. Did we help lay? Did we give the pass for the alley-oop on this successfully? Oh, 100%. Yeah. Was our stink all over this?

It was. Really, the only thing we didn't use was the Death by Plunger. Did you what on it? Nothing. I didn't say anything. I haven't said anything for 15 minutes. Okay. Well, that's great. Claire, that sounds like a win. It sounds like, Kevin, we should probably ring the bell. Absolutely. Yes, ring the bell. So the bell's going to get rung. Well, great. Congratulations. I guess if all of us get together for another pitch session, it seems like you have to be intoxicated for it to really...

Yeah, I think so. Cook with gas. We can make it happen. Well, fantastic work. Proud of you. Sorry your detective kept getting so drunk. But yeah, a win for us is a win for you or some version of that. I don't know how to mend diagrams. Yes, everyone wins. We're happy for us is what I'm trying to say. Love it. We are. Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much. Appreciate the call. Appreciate you putting faith in us and the bell got rung.

Of course. All right. Say hi to Jake. I will not. Thanks, Claire. Thanks, Claire. Okay, bye. Thanks, guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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