130: I'm a Dog, You're a Lady. Relax
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And we are back.

We're back. Kevin, who has been a guest on this show that you thought just nailed the premise? We're not talking best. We're not talking funniest, but just like this very specific show, this specific thing. Who just came in and went like, that's right. That's their show.

caller said, my husband wants to befriend a crow and I don't know what to do about, there's a lot of like weird, we're just talking about animal stuff, but like, there's a lot of great, just, I think what was so fun about, what has been so fun about this is in the

in the early days, as we've talked about people going like, I don't, my help me through this divorce. And we're like, not the right show. And then there was a moment where you, you saw people go like, Oh, I have like a weird pocket. And then we started to hit a really good groove. Um, that I think we've just been maintaining the whole time. Well,

where it's like, here's my weird, I have two hairdressers and I need to break up with one of them. And it's like, let's go. Tell us every single detail. The Chicago rat hole problem. People found like our weird groove and the quality of just like skyrocketing. The callers for this show have been

so fucking good yeah, like if you really look back at like you know the secret sauce Mm-hmm. They're so funny. Oh yeah, the problems are so good Kevin you've done a heck of a job curating But they're really funny like looking thinking about like when we'll text each other Gareth every once in a while about something it'll always go back to one of the call or something in there that you'll go like oh

That was a blast, man. Yeah, like helpful and legit. And we will, like, you will be like, yeah, you'll just be like, oh, man, they just fit in. I think, I don't know. I don't, it is very, it's a very strange thing with podcasts because it is like, there is like that parasocial relationship. But I think on a show like this, it's so helpful because they get the vibe. Yeah, 100%. Because they like the show, you know?

So with that in mind, get ready for two new hilarious calls. Two of our favorite calls. This first one. Well, you're going to need to hear it to believe it. Without further ado. Hello, this is the shark. Hey. Hi there. You're excited to talk to the shark? Hold on, shark, what happened? I was...

I was expecting like a shark and it was like, hey. Well, let's do another take. Yeah, can we do take two for shark? All right, take two, caller. Hello. Yeah, I'm ready. Okay. Hey, how's it going? Oh, okay. Take three. Whenever you're ready, shark. Hello, this is the shark.

Hey, how's it going? Okay, let's move it on. Can we get your name, where you're calling it from, and why you don't care about the shark? Yeah, what did the shark do to you? You a dolphin? I'm sorry. I'm going to go with Marie. I am 29. I am based in Brooklyn. Great. What part of Brooklyn? I was just there. I was in Dumbo. You were in New York State.

Go ahead. We're right near Albany. You can't call that Brooklyn, Bill. Right near Brooklyn. What part of Brooklyn? Albany? Yeah, you're dancing around Troy, New York, calling it a borough. I was in Dumbo. Yeah, Albany. Where in Brooklyn are you? Bed-Stuy. Ah, I used to live in Bed-Stuy a long time ago. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Yeah, one time I slept in a hotel. My eye wouldn't open. I got Bed-Stuy.

All right. Maria, it is? I-E? M-A-R-I-E? Whoa, I'm back. I died. I died. Yes, M-A-R-I-E. Okay, so what can we do for you? This is the end of our day, so we're getting a little sloppy, but we're going to tighten up. We're going to lean and mean it just like the shark's body, and we're going to see what happens. So what can we do for you today?

So I have a dog and he's a really cute dog, but I've noticed this very weird pattern of women like being attracted to him. Like I feel like normally people come up to you and they're like, oh, cute dog. And you just say, yeah, thanks. And I keep moving. But people have been coming at my dog with this like lusty type of energy that I really just don't know how to respond to. Can we borrow your dog? Wait, is this real life? You feel like women are sexually attracted to your dog?

Yeah, I have examples. Okay. So there was this woman at the dog park. She used to trap me in conversation to go like on and on about how my dog was like a sexy sports car. And I would have to like actively avoid her. And then I was at the vet like last week. Hold on. We just saw the dog. My fuck. Wow. That's a sexy dog. Okay. So now we see that animal. So one woman. Now what's your next example?

So I was at the vet with him and this was like the ER vet. So it's like kind of scary. I'm a little stressed, but she kept like examining him. And then she would take a step back and pause and go like, God, he's good looking. And then she went on and on about his muscle definition. And I just like, didn't know, like, what do I say in these weird moments? You know, this is weird stuff. This might be our weirdest set. It's very strange. I feel crazy. And I'm going to, let me just,

outs I'm we're looking at the dog it's a cute dog I'm with you but it's not turning my crank I'm not all of a sudden yeah well I bang dogs yeah like it's good looking it's an attractive dog but they're going on about the musculature I agree it's a yeah it's a good look at my it's a good look you said she

He. He. Now, can I ask a question I'm not proud to ask? This is one I was hoping you wouldn't, but go ahead. You know, we have to know. How big? Got big balls, big dick. What's his deal down there? I mean, because there's certain- He's like 60 pounds. No, I'm not talking about his weight. There are certain times you see a dog and it walks in front of you and you go, that's a big set of balls on that dog. Yeah. Right? Your dog neutered?

He's neutered. How's the penis? I don't know. I feel like he's like average size. He's got an average dog dick? Okay, great. No, but this is a serious question because we're trying to figure out why people are sexualizing your dog. So you're telling me it doesn't have big old droopy nuts and a big old red dick?

No. Okay. Of my memoir? Okay. Because the dog looks to me like a mixed... I mean, what kind of dog is it? I see Rottweiler in there mixed with some maybe Pit Mix? Brad Pitt? Yeah, we're not really sure. I'm assuming like Pritt, Pitt, not Brad Pitt. But it's a real mix. Yeah. Okay. So, all right. Got the setup. Do you feel... And this... You feel like this has happened more than those two occasions, I'm guessing? Yeah.

Yeah, off and on. I feel like those are the most like egregious, but no one ever says he's just cute. It's a wild setup. So just so we know, why don't you finish with the question, just so we know exactly what we're trying to do here. My question is like, how do I respond to people when they say things like this? I feel like I just nervously laugh. Actually, I do have a pitch. He's taken. Okay. I would make them feel uncomfortable with their question.

Let's walk through it, okay? I'm the vet. Okay, you're the vet. What's the name of the dog again?

We'll call him Max. Okay, so I'm bringing Max in. Max ate something weird. Like that we're doing a fake dog name. I just got to say that. Totally. I don't want to embarrass his vet. Okay. Oh, interesting. That's smart. Sure. Okay, so I don't know. I feel like Max might have eaten something. His stomach's been a little low. Well, I'll tell you what. I mean, he just doesn't. He looks like he's in fine shape. I mean, honestly, he's such a well-put-together dog. Yeah, he's a great-looking animal. He's got great muscle. I agree. I mean, just look at him. Yeah.

He just has great- He gets a lot of good walks. Yeah, you can tell. But I mean, some of this is just genetic. I mean, he just has a very good body. Yeah. The dog is just a very- I think he's very healthy. He's a very good spot. Yeah, he's a healthy dog. Such a good boy. He's such a good boy. Yeah, he's a nice dog. God, I love this dog. You love my dog? What do you mean? Well, I mean, I love all dogs, but when I know you're coming in, I'm extra excited for you. Why?

Because I love Max. But what do you love about Max? That he's just such a good boy. He is a good dog. My days are brighter when I see your dog. Why? He's just well put together. What does that mean? You keep talking about well put together. I like to be affectionate with him. You want to fuck my dog? What? You're fucking my dog. Wait, what is the peshy thing? You're fucking my wife? So here's where I would go with it.

Their behavior is weird. So if somebody said, if I was with a kid and somebody said, uh, that's a beautiful girl, you go like, thanks. And they go like, no, I mean, really beautiful. My tone's changing right away. Yeah. I think you made it very clear what you said. Where are you going with this? You're fucking banana head. You're talking about my dog, Max. Yeah. We've done. Yeah. But if they're backing off and saying it's a good dog, fine. Now let's switch roles. Okay.

Yeah, so I don't know. He's just not sleeping through the night. He seems to be... A beautiful dog like that? I could maybe help him sleep. What do you mean? Will you do a little cuddle and dump?

Did you say cuddle and dump? A cuddle and dump. You do the, you know, you do a cuddle, you spray some beta and you... What do you mean? Are you talking about... I'm saying if sometimes it's good for an animal to unload their nutsack and then they pass right up. Are you really a vet? Me? No, I'm just hanging out in the subway. Get out of here!

A vet? What are you talking about? I fuck dogs. I mean, I serve. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. This is hard. All right, here's a pitch. This is hard. Here's a pitch. Okay. You know, people have the service animal signs they put on their dog. This is interesting. There's also, my girlfriend always talks about this. I'll show like,

Oh, she got me to do it. She's like before she. By the way, a huge moment. Gareth admitted on the radio he has a girlfriend. By the way, we're not on the radio, Grandpa. I want to fuck your dog. Jesus Christ. But she's always like ask to pet the dog because you don't know what the dog. You're totally right. So. Right. So put a sign on the dog that suggests that like this dog is not for public petting.

So that it kind of gives you the ability to avoid dog bites. Not this dog bites, but you know, whatever. Hi, I'm Max. I'm sensitive. What about putting an ugly wig on it? Okay, sure. Why would I finish my picture? No, but I hear what you're saying. The problem is, is it's their comments.

Because I get the grid in space. That's totally right. But you're entering a zone, if you go to like a dog park or a walk, you're also saying like you just random women might walk by and are lusting after your dog. Like how do we get people to not look at this woman's dog in a sexual way? What are we going to do? Fucking scar it? I mean, there's not much we can really do. The dog is what the dog is. Fake mustache? What's going on with you? You just get a problem? Bangs kill a lot of dogs like that. Well, you know,

We don't want to make the dog ugly for you. Oh, how about this? How about a shirt that you wear that says, stop staring at my dog. You're weird.

I like that. Right? Right. I would wear that. Right? Especially if you're going to like a dog park or you're doing something. It's targeted hits. It's the vet. Yes. My dog's not attracted to you. How good is your vet? Real good? I mean, this is like a one-time vet because it was the ER. I got you. Okay. But when you're saying this happens, do you go to a dog park?

Yeah. And at that dog park, I got a question for you. You said it was a very specific type of woman. Can you describe her? She's a dog.

And I'm crazy. She's a dog and I'm not allowed to go to the park anymore. And I can understand dog's thoughts. Understood. We're going to hang up the phone because she wanted to have sex with, she was a chihuahua. This dog park is on the fourth floor of a building that I broke into. And Max has been dead for two years. Max isn't real. That's just the dog at Google. And I'm at the shark tank too. Yeah.

So can you describe, because you said it's a certain type of lady who's sexually attracted to this dog. And just so Gareth can spray beta later, can you describe what her vibe is? I feel like just like a classic, like Brooklyn weight girl, you know, like millennial kind of hipstery tats. Cool. Yeah. And do you think she's actually attracted or it's cool to talk about this dog in a certain way? Go ahead.

Let's get the dog a shirt that says, I bite millennials. And you put it on the dog when you're going to go to these big zones. Or lean in and have a little crop top shirt and goes, I know I'm hot, ladies. Stop staring. Or my eyes are up here. Yeah. A shorts right near the nuts. It says my eyes are up here, hipster.

And pointing to the eyes so that if a lady looks, you can go like, I got to say, it's a funny shirt. I think your dog's hot. You go, I know it's weird. Everybody does. I don't hate it. I mean, look, we're going aggressive, but you could send the message out. A shirt on the dog that says your your thoughts about me are weird. Yeah. And somebody goes like that dog. I'm a dog. You're a lady. Slow down. Yeah. Relax. Relax. I like that.

What do you think about the zone? I'm a dog, you're a lady, relax. By the way, that's title. That's the title. But what do you think about a dog shirt that you have that and it's on the dog's back? So when people look, they see it, it goes, I'm a dog, you're a lady, relax. That's making it very clear. Yes, we're being aggressive. You're getting turned down by me and I'm just a dog and you're a lady and you need to relax. What is your gut feeling? Are you actually going to do this? I would actually do that. Okay.

I need to find a place to make it, but I'm excited about this idea. Can we make it? We're 30 feet away from an embroidery studio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got your back. We can make, literally. And the dogs. We will make this to you and send it to you. But then what you have to do for us, though, is put it on the dog and take photos at a dog park. Film at the dog park. Film the dog running around and see if you can get any reaction. Will you send us a video at the dog park with the shirt? Yeah, and let us know if we've curbed this.

Yes, absolutely. Great. Feel good? Yeah, I feel great. Thank you so much. I think it's a win. I think we're going to be ringing the bell at the end of this. All right. Well, we appreciate the call. We're going to send you the shirt. Thanks, Marie. This is going to be a win. It's going to be great. Cool. Thanks so much, you guys. Okay. Thanks. Thanks.

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Listen to us and support our show and be like we heard from we're here to help so do that use the promo code We're here to help. No here to help. Don't listen to me. I had some via here to help this holiday season enhance your everyday with fire Hello Hi, can we get your name, please? My name is Valerie Valerie, where are you calling from Valerie?

I'm calling from central Wisconsin. Central. Where about? About what I saw area. All right. Cool. You know that Kevin, you seem to lose confidence. I only know Madison and Milwaukee. So if you said anything else, I clammed up, which I did. You did the best clam up though. You go, Oh yeah. Which part? And then you went, Oh, that's really cool. And what's your question today? So Valerie, um,

We are without Gareth. He's performing stand-up in Alaska right now. But we've got an old buddy of mine who is an absolute killer, who I love, Mr. Oliver.

Raleigh. Hey, Valerie, how you doing? What's up? Oh, hi. How are you? I'm good. I'm great. I'm great. So you got Oliver, you got the shark, you got myself. You are from central Wisconsin and the shark doesn't know which part that is. What can we do for you today? All right. So this actually started when your podcast came out.

And my husband and I have a disagreement about your theme song. When your podcast first came out, okay, I was obsessed with your song and I would sing it. We're here together.

to help. And my husband said that, no, there's no words. There's no words in that song. And I'm like, well, yeah, there are. And he goes, no, your brain is inserting the words. Like, we're here to help because it's so catchy. And I'm like, no, there's words. So we have been going on and off about this for over a year now. So can you please help settle our disagreement?

Well, you, Kevin, has done some good producing on this one because my dear friend Oliver Raleigh is the man who wrote and made our theme song.

That's right. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, Kevin, you're amazing. So Oliver, take it away. So this is something I've been thinking about a lot. Like, I almost don't want to answer, to be honest. Boo! But this is the thing.

Look, this is the thing. It seems like it's been a hot debate amongst several couples. We get this question a lot. Yeah. But you could say... Yes, we get a lot of emails about this. But Oliver, you could say what your intention was and what you did, and people could still have their kind of POV on it. I mean, I don't know. I just... I love...

I love that people are debating it. I feel almost sad to put it to bed, to be honest. Well, I'm gonna if you don't. No, no, no. You know what? I don't want to ruin the magic for anyone. This is not like a marriage ending argument. So if we want to keep the mystery out there, like feel free.

Well, I've got a question. It's just a pleasure calling in. Yeah, what's up? Well, hold on, Valerie, because you're a very sweet person, but you called in with a problem, and the premise of this show is that we try to help the callers, not...

We decide if we want to help the college. But here's the thing. Valerie's talking about magic, right? Isn't that almost helping to let the magic continue to go? Come on. Every relationship, long-term marriages, relationships, they need that spark. What happens if this song is that spark, if it's never settled? Does this...

Go ahead, Valerie. Well, here's the thing. So I'm hardly ever right. I'm hardly ever right. And I'm a bad listener. So I emailed, like, over a year ago, I emailed. I'm like, maybe I am right. Wouldn't that be so cool that I would be right for a while? And so what we are... But hold on, Valerie. And what do you think? Do you think there's lyrics or no lyrics? I forgot the beginning. I really...

I really think there's lyrics. And what lyrics do you think you're hearing with that theme song? We're here to help. But I hear it, we're here to help. We're here to help.

I don't know why this just tugs on my heartstrings. You know, like you saying that you're never right. I think that broke my heart a little bit. It just shattered. So I feel like. She also said something funny, though, Oliver. She said, I'm never right and I'm a bad listener. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Maybe you'll forget this. That's an amazing trait to lead out with of like, just so you guys know things about me, I'm 5'10". I'm never right. I'm a very bad listener. I've never related to a caller harder than I am. By the way, same. I'm never right and I'm bad. Basically saying I'm never right and I'm bad at learning.

I'm never right. I'm a bad listener is how I felt through school. Yeah. Funny thing. I'm a teacher. Oh my God. Oh my God. The wrong teacher.

Amazing. And the funniest part, do you want to hear the kicker? So my husband is, so I teach special ed and my husband is actually my special ed assistant. So I'm his boss at school. Yes.

That rules. That rules. And are you a nice boss? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm a little snappy. And, like, he's my safe place. So I have to, you know, reign it in at work. But, you know, and it's hard because at work, too, you know, he's mostly right at work, too. Yeah.

So maybe I do hear something. Yeah. What's up? So you hear, this is interesting. So now we're going to actually go to Oliver on this one because he is the guy who wrote the song. He performed it. We didn't really have any notes. I just, I asked him, he's a, he's a great musician and where we were putting this show together, we needed a theme. So I asked him and he sent us this.

And we put it on and people have really liked it. It has, we've gotten a ton of emails about this. There's also people who hear with Gareth and Jake, right? Like somebody had broke down the whole thing. Oliver, you don't have the ability to play the song, do you? I don't. Cause you don't have the thing, right? No, I don't know. I couldn't, I couldn't play it back. I recorded it, but I have this. All right. So this is, I'm settling it now. Yes. Uh,

Valerie, right? This-- - Yeah. - This, okay, so you are correct. You are right.

Your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong. Your husband is so wrong. All right. You are so right. And I hope you hear this and I hope you listen. I recorded this song on something called a Casio SK1. It's this old toy keyboard from the 80s. And it's a sampler keyboard. So I recorded my voice saying like we're and then I recorded here to help. And then with with Gareth and Jake, I recorded all that. And then I basically played it on the keyboard.

And that's it. So you are correct. I fully, I said every single word and then made chords out of it. And then that's what you're hearing. Just everything was recorded exclusively on this little toy keyboard. Amazing. Wow. You are amazing. Like, oh my gosh, you're so talented, Oliver. Yeah.

Thanks. That was like an hour of me goofing off, but I appreciate it. Oh my God, it's amazing. And I just thank you very much for settling this. And I feel bad that you had to tell us your music...

musician's secrets but thank you I appreciate it but Valerie yeah it was worth it it was fully fully worth it you are right and I want you to sit in that knowledge tonight and look at your husband knowing that you are right you were correct now here's the question Valerie do you tell him or do you just know

that you're right and he's wrong. Where is the power here, Valerie? Or do you wait and listen to this episode together with him? And then you go like, oh, Valerie, what if we do this? Do not tell him. We'll email you before we do it. Yep. And then just listen together.

Yes, because I play the podcast on our way to work because we have a half an hour commute. So we listen to you like twice a day.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. That will be crazy. I'll email you the night before when the episode drops. So, you know, when it's coming out. Oh, thank you, Kevin. You're amazing. We appreciate you and thank you for what you do.

Oh my gosh. Thank you so much. All three of you and Gareth, come on. You dropped the ball. Good buddy. Not his fault. Not his fault. He would love to be here. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much, guys. You made my whole entire week, year, whatever. Thank you for calling. Thanks Valerie. All right. Thanks. Bye. Bye.

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Hello. Hello. Take it away, Gareth. Hi. All right. Well, we know there's two calls. I'll just get into it. Welcome to We're Here to Help. It's America's number one podcast. Listen, you're on with Shark, with Gareth. There's no Jake, but in his stead, we have the great Jamie Loftus, who has her own podcast, 16 Minutes of Fame. 16th Minute of Fame. 16th Minute of Fame. I'm a father. So...

Who are you? Where are you calling from? And at some point, who the hell is the second person? We'll get to that later. Don't worry about that, Gary. All right. Okay. Tell us what's going on then. Just one caller, even though I see the second call and I'm like, what the hell? Just looming on the scene. Yeah, it's just crazy. It's taunting.

All right. Who are you? Where are you calling from? I'm Penny. I know who it is. So that's fun. But stop rubbing. Oh, God damn fate. Go ahead. Oh, no. So my name is Haley. Hi. I am 27 and I am from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Great spot. OK. And what can we help you with, Haley? Yeah. Yes. So my problem, I have these neighbors.

They have three daughters that live there. They're a rental. And I like me, my husband, like own our house. So there's that context. Sorry, you mean the house at twenty seven. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. You do. Twenty seven.

Oh, no. This is not what I was calling about, but yes. She's calling to brag. Hang up. All right. Okay. So keep going. Yeah. So maybe that's the fun fact that Jake would have asked. Okay. Okay. So I did neighbors, and they have three daughters. I've met them slightly, not much. And the oldest daughter is, I think, in fifth grade. And...

A few weeks ago, she came home with a clarinet and I saw her in her backyard and she was just blowing air. In the yard? In the yard. They sent her outside like a cocker spaniel to play the clarinet? Oh, we are. For them, it's a great move. But for you, it's awful.

yeah we're getting there right yep so so I see her the first day just blowing air into it and there's nothing coming out of it and I'm like okay and then it took a day to process like oh no like she has a clarinet um so now now um it's been a couple weeks and I kid you not every single day

at around like 3.30 when she gets home from school. I'm pretty sure her parents send her outside to like play, to practice. This is very dog coded for your daughter.

But it's weird. I don't I don't have kids. So I don't I don't know. I don't know. We own a house. You may as well. Yeah. Keep bragging about good things are. Oh, no, no, no, no. OK, well, since she's just beginning, she's just, you know, really out of tune. Can't play proper notes.

She's outside for like maybe an hour, took an hour and a half. And, you know, she's kind of like fighting for a melody that just isn't happening. And here's the thing. I'm pretty sure her parents make her play outside because they don't want to hear it. Right. Yeah. But then I live in the city. So like,

None of us want to hear either. And we have very close proximity neighbors. My one thing too, is that we had an issue with the dad a few months ago. And so I am not, Oh no. We, so we have two dogs or we like, we, we had two dogs and one of them, we were,

working with from like a adoptive foster. Anyway, he had some temper issues and like lashed, like barked at the dog. That's not a great wrinkle for this solution.

Okay, so the father's angry and sending his daughter outside. I think you should teach your dog how to play the clarinet for revenge. Sell the house, Haley. I have to play the video you sent, Haley, just to set this in the world for the crew. It's so good. This is like someone snake charming. There is a girl in the backyard by herself. Oh, God.

This kid does not want to be playing the clarinet. I don't think she's taking it very seriously, but...

I don't know why seeing that, it made me sad. That is just like, it is a bummer. And I feel bad for the kid. I don't know. I do too. That's what I feel. I feel bad for the daughter. I mean, because she's horrible at it. Let's be honest. But it doesn't seem like she really cares. I mean, did anyone play an instrument? Because I was made to play the oboe. What?

What? For nine years. Oh, Bo. Oh, Bo, which I think is the only instrument that's harder to listen to when you're really bad at it than the clarinet. And where did your parents banish you to?

Well, they made me stay in the house. They did not send me out to the yard to play the oboe. They at least committed to suffering through it if they were going to make me do it, which I feel like is sort of the unspoken contract. My immediate suggestion is to somehow let the parents know that this is not going to get their kid a scholarship to college like they think. Right.

But we got this dad with the dad with the temper issues really made. It puts you in a tougher spot. Yeah, I have to jump in as producer. Haley did a great job setting the scene. We have a little bit of a ringer who will be interesting for Jamie, who is not familiar with this person. But often when we have calls about.

neighborly or roommate disputes uh we have a a young man who has been extremely helpful second caller would you like to introduce yourself to jamie and say hi to everybody oh no hi my name's connor connor hi guys hi buddy uh holy shit

OK. All right. Hold on, Connor. Let Connor. Yeah, it feels like it feels like a party. We're like, yeah, a lot of people are like it. All right. So, Jamie. So Connor is a guy who moved to Florida. I don't remember why. It doesn't matter. He's pursuing his dreams. He's a young buck. He ended up booking Airbnbs with really old people over and over again.

And he kept getting himself in the weirdest situations, weirdest predicaments with these old people where they would have to like, like one of them would take over the common area. People, I think, were eating your food. There were bathroom issues. Right, Connor? Yeah, you're hitting all the big ones. Yeah, there was always like...

Like, it was really just, like, what was going to happen each day walking into the place. You never know. Thrilling. It was... And now, Connor, am I wrong? You don't live with anyone who's crazy and old right now? Not old, but crazy. Okay, good for you. All right, well, Connor, you didn't call for us to solve your problem living with a crazy person. You're here to help Haley. You heard all of her issue? Yeah, and...

Go ahead, Haley. Oh, I have one more thing to add. So, so yeah, so you have like a little small tiff with the dad a few months ago. Um, I, for my job, I, uh, work from home. So it's like almost on the, on the time, like I'm, I'm sitting at home and I'm working and, and I hear, I hear the neighbor, I hear the, the, the young neighbor.

the young girl outside and she is, uh, off and away. And it's, you know, at that point, it's hard to focus right from work to keep going. You're working when she comes home. What do you do for work? Um, I work in marketing lessons, uh, marketing. Yeah. I work in, yeah. Market. I think I have to, I'll keep it there. I work in marketing. Um, so I can do my, my work on,

But making good money. Connor, I don't know if you heard she owns a house. She won't stop talking. No, no. Only twenty seven. Twenty seven. Connor. Connor, how old are you? Twenty four. Twenty four. So in three years. Yeah, you got a couple of years. But judging from your recent living situations, I don't think you're close.

I think you can turn it around. Haley, could Connor live with you? Okay. All right. So we've got the lay of the land. You've got this issue. You've got this child who seems sweet, who doesn't seem that into the clarinet being banished to the yard where she has to play the clarinet. Father, probable temper issues.

It's still not your problem. And and we have to figure out a way to make this better. Jamie, tell me if you have anything. Connor, say if you have anything. If not, I'll go with my first pitch. Yeah, I mean, I really there's like.

Pragmatic solutions and then there's ones that kind of require you going a little rogue. I agree the dad is the X factor here. Dad's a problem. We don't want to aggravate the dad. I do feel like, you know, drop in a little like, oh yeah, I played whatever when I was a kid and I thought I would get me, you know, a scholarship and it didn't. I just wasted my life and annoyed my family for years.

and our relationship suffered as a result. Or if you wanted to go rogue, you could just tell the kid that the clarinet is really uncool and they look uncool playing it. And then they would almost certainly stop practicing because that was my experience too. Someone was like, oh, players suck. You,

You look bad. And so I just stopped practicing and never got good. First of all, and now you know that person was just lying to you because we all know how cool an oboe player looks. Everyone loves the little face you make. Double reed embouchure really. Oh, a double reed embouchure is key. It's cute. It's so important. Connor, jump in if you have anything. I'm going to hit you with a few options right off the bat. Okay. I'm ready. Well, let me ask you this first.

How many neighbors are there around you who probably are also suffering through this? So our backyard, back up to like an alley. And then, you know, that's a shared alley with like the people, other people's backyard across from us. So when I say I live in the city, I mean like I live in...

In the city. So, like, there's just a lot of neighbors. There's people walking their dogs nearby. There's people out. There's other kids playing outside. Okay. All right. This changes my pitch. I'm going now with a new pitch. And I'm calling this pitch fake petition. We're calling it fake petition. What you're going to do is you're going to make a sheet with 1 through 20. You're going to put names...

dates and signatures and you're just going to invent a bunch of fake names and signatures and the front page of the petition is going to say petition to stop your daughter playing clarinet in the yard where it's bothering all of us which is just going to leave that on the porch which is a turbo version of telling the daughter the clarinet is uncool it's yeah we're so uncool that everyone's organized against it but

this is a parenting issue. Like this daughter is not like, let me go to the yard and play my clarinet. Like there's a lot of parental influence on this, but honestly, even if it is the kid's choice, it is like there, you know, there is like noise crosses fences. So she's, it's, you know, it's bothersome. Again, even like if she was good,

It still would suck, but she's horrible. And by the way, she's taking a lot of breaks from what I saw. A lot of clarinet breaks. So I think leave a fake petition on the porch and make up all the names of the people signing them. Doesn't matter. And this is the way you're not implicating any neighbors, but just sneakily do that at night or whatever you can. Yeah, in the dark of night, like thieves in the night. What if they have a ring? What if they have

Rip it off the wall. How bad do we want? I'm sorry. I don't mean to undercut your advice. We're going to stab the dad. Oh, gosh. I kid you not. I'm not making this up. This neighbor. Yeah, the dad. I don't know. I don't know what's up. But they have like four ring cameras that point to like every corner of their house. It's always the people that are menacing themselves with the multiple ring. You're just like, what is this? That's tough. Haley, did you say you live in Michigan? Yes. Grand Rapids. I do. Yes.

Some of the names you could say on that petition are Ralph Schiano, Jocelyn Langworthy, Jack Walter, Sharon Orme. And those are a few of the members of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra's clarinet players specifically. Whoa. You could do a list of personal vendetta.

Yeah. Well, if the dad's looking up the names, I mean, a guy with four ring cameras who then is going to be like the symphony of signed a petition that I don't like. He's going to be corkboarding with yarn so hard. Right. Connor, what would you go with?

I don't know. I feel like he sees a petition. He's just going to have the kids start playing more instruments out in the yard. Like, you don't like this? Well, here, I got this for you. Well, it didn't get much worse from what I heard. I would assume...

The dropping off the petition is difficult. There's no doubt you might. I don't have a pitch on that just yet. And except just wear a disguise and drive up, wear a disguise, put it there, you know, wear a Richard Nixon mask and then just get back in the car and take it off as soon as you're out of shot. My other option for a pitch would be this.

But the problem with this one is this does this is more direct. This is more you. It's shot across the bow. Every time the daughter goes in the yard to play the clarinet, you get a Bluetooth speaker out there and you play. Everybody's working for the weekend on repeat. That's good. That yeah. Fighting fighting fire with fire could work.

You know what you could also do if you wanted to drop the petition off? Have a friend of yours do it. Just be like, do me a favor. I'm going to give you this envelope. Drive up there. I just drop it off whenever you can take off.

And then leave a boom box that is blaring working for the weekend instead of ringing the doorbell. Working for the weekend is a must without question. Yeah, you've got it. You've really got to choose something that's going to pierce through the clarinet sound. Would you would you drop it off while she's playing or it really would have to be at night? I would do it when there's I would I would not do it in the daytime. I would not do it daytime. I would get a friend of yours. I'm genuine. I'm serious. I'm a friend of yours to do it.

Um, another thing you could do is you could you know how everyone's got those political yard signs now that are definitely changing people's minds. You could have one of those made that just says stop playing the yard. Stop playing the clarinet in the yard.

Twenty twenty four. Twenty twenty four. And just a few of those in a few yards around that area so that it's a little like subtle. Who did it? Yeah. So that way it's like not clear it's you, but it's like a campaign surrounding their house. You know, they'll be like, oh, Harris walls. What the what? Wait, what? Stop the clarinet. Twenty twenty four. Not for the yard. Something like that.

Those I don't know if, Connor, you got anything to add to this? Is there a chance if we're going in a direct approach, is there a chance you pick the elbow back up again? And every time she goes out with a clarinet, you fight fire. You play an elbow. Jamie played the elbow. Yeah. I mean, I guess I could fly in. I'm not necessarily welcome in Michigan. Would you like to go to Michigan?

The opposite of an American Idol statement. Jamie, would you like to go to Michigan? Los Angeles to Michigan. No. Yes. Well, Haley, what do you think so far? I mean, how are you feeling? It's hard. Yes. A petition does sound scary. It is.

It is more likely that I would have a friend drop it off than me. I do not want to be on that man's ring cameras. A friend who like lives nowhere nearby for their own safety. So the, the sign, the yard sign is a wild idea. Um, so, and that's funny. I don't know if I have like the money to like get 50 of them and do that or where I would do that. You had house money, Haley. Let's just do it.

Haley, you're a homeowner at 27. I'll just sell my house and buy these signs. Haley, you've got this. No, I...

But I also I don't know. I also don't mind the passive aggressive. I'll just play louder music. Yeah. Great. I like I like the thought of putting something in your yard to distract the kid. Jamie, a pitch that we often suggest is called Parmesan in the ground or the floor rather. OK, great.

Putting some sort of odorous thing distracting thing on the ground or okay our stinky a stinky distraction a stinky distraction probably not on her clarinet, but Something nearby no you do it on the lawn. She's sitting on the yard. We you parmesan the lawn Yeah, Parmesan the lawn or yeah or or

put Parmesan on a tarp on your lawn that conveniently comes out around water. Just spray a bunch of water in the yard before she comes home. Flood the lawn. Yeah. But I also, I also think if you're down to play the music, it kind of will do two things. One, if you put on music, you like, it's not going to bother you that you're not going to hear it. It also sends a message out there that look, if you want to fight a war,

If you want to fight a sound battle, let's go. But again, you are now it's you're putting the black flag in their sands. So you are definitely saying this is behind us. I did SpongeBob ever do anything about Squidward's clarinet playing. Is there something we can pull from from his his lived experience?

Connor, you want to answer that one, buddy? Spongebob loved the clarinet in a way. Yeah, I feel like Spongebob really tolerated the clarinet.

that so i squidward i guess just lucked out but you have like a child squidward i guess you have to yeah i think if you could consult with uh with spongebob yeah i don't think spongebob ever really retaliated about the clarinet unfortunately so that might be a non-starter yeah yeah once he hears 25 years he'll call in yeah yeah he's biding his time um

All right. So, well, how do you feel about that? You feel good about that? I mean, obviously, we want to know what the hell ends up happening with this because it is very strange. But it seems like if you're comfortable just kind of going at them with a sound can and that's probably the best move. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I will. I'll sit on the petition idea. Well, we'll see. You're not going to be able to do it. You're not going to be able to do petition after you do the music.

Well, if my friend drops it off. Yeah, but now you're saying, hey, I hate this situation. It would be petition and then sound. Yeah, you're the face of the movement. Yeah. Oh, you understand? Yeah. Just talk to Connor, you know. Do you think other people would join the movement of playing music if they hated it so much?

I do think, Haley, that if you do the music one, the reason why that one is good is because you're not going to their door. You're not ringing for ring cameras. You're just going, hey, I'm solving my problem. If you have a problem with my solution, you come to my house and we could talk about it. But they started this.

Yeah. They started this war by asking their daughter to learn a new skill. And for that, she will burn and you will make her burn. That's exactly right. She'll be holding a weird little instrument when she does it, too. Yeah. How do you feel, Haley? Yes. I think I will probably pull man, do the fight fire with fire and I'll just play the music or I'll play one song on repeat or like what do you know what song that'll be? Yeah.

Well, what was the one that you recommended? Working for the Weekend. But it's got to be something that you would like, too. Jamie, I feel very comfortable saying that nobody dislikes Working for the Weekend. Connor, do you know the song Working for the Weekend? I do know the song Working for the Weekend. It's got a nice set. Pretty good, right? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, it's basically what Connor listens to every time he walks into a new area. I mean, it's Friday afternoon. It's safe to say Connor was just listening to it. Or it's like a...

It's like a passive aggressive, like nine to five Dolly Parton. I like that too. It's a great song. It's very listenable song. Connor, remind us real quick. What is your crazy living situation right now?

Uh, right now I'm living with a dude who calls himself Dirty Mike up in Salem. And, uh... Did you get the job at the Haunted Hayride? I know we left off at that. We, uh, that one fell through, sadly. Ah, damn. Sorry, buddy.

to play in Dirty Mike and Pickleball. All right. Listen, Connor, obviously we'll wait for the book, but what a tease. Well, Haley, keep us posted. Let us know how it goes. And, you know, honestly, I think this is going to at least get the conversation started. Four ring cameras, temper tantrum dad is strange, but you seem like a nice 27-year-old property owner. I feel like you'll be able to navigate it.

Yeah. You've got this. Yeah. It'll be great. We got this. All right. And the daughter will thank you for not having to play the clarinet. If you're successful. She doesn't want to be doing it. No, no, it's not even scales. It's like just, yeah, that's true. It's just whatever sound she makes. She's playing like four notes and then taking an equity 30. Um,

All right, Haley. Well, keep us posted. Thank you for the call and good luck. And Connor, thank you for joining us. Honestly, I can't believe you were on the advice side of this show when right now you just were passed up for a haunted hayride job and you're playing pickleball with a guy named Dirty Mike. But here we are. Such a pleasure, Connor. Good luck, Connor. Thank you, Haley. Thanks, everyone. Yeah, thanks, guys. Bye-bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.