129: I'm a Hoot and a Half
50:57 Share

Let your imagination soar with Audible. With stories across every genre, from expert advice to fantasy, you'll be inspired to imagine new worlds, possibilities, and ways of thinking. Listening can even lead to a positive change in your mood, habits, and overall well-being. As an Audible member, you'll get to choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog, including bestsellers and new releases.

Allow yourself to delve into the spooky this season by listening to classics like Stephen King's The Shining and Pet Sematary. There's more to imagine when you listen. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash imagine or text imagine to 500-500. That's audible.com slash imagine or text imagine to 500-500.

Worried about letting someone else pick out the perfect avocado for your perfect impress-them-on-the-third-date guacamole? Well, good thing Instacart shoppers are as picky as you are. They find ripe avocados like it's their guac on the line. They are milk expiration date detectives. They bag eggs like the 12 precious pieces of cargo they are. So let Instacart shoppers overthink your groceries so that you can overthink...

What you'll wear on that third date. Download the Instacart app today to get free delivery on your first three orders, while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. Here, here, two, out. Here, here, two, out, out.

And we are back. Garfman. Jake. What's your Mount Rushmore of this show favorite calls? Oh, that's tough. And if you can't remember specifics, type of calls...

I definitely think the, what was it? Mr. H set the guy's name. Oh, hot takes, hot takes. That was great. The boob funeral. Oh yeah. Uh, was a real pitch. I also like, I like the calls and the caller. I mean, I'm not trying to encourage this. I like when people are like, yeah, like that was great. And it's quick. I also like, there are some where we've been on the phone for 50 minutes and

And we're both like, agreed, sir. We have nothing left to give you. The doctor just did that to us. He was the most recent. Yes. Yes. Yes. Where we would go like then you'd go. Yeah. And we'd be like, OK, so then you bring in the egg, you do this and you'd go, I mean, should I bring it in with a bag? Yeah. Like.

So underwhelmed. We're like, help us help you. Yeah, I like those as well, because it's so goofy where we're at the end. Like, sir, we're going to send you $100 to leave us alone. Well, going off that, I also like when they are, you know, nobody's actually making us mad or annoying us. It's all for fun. But like when they're doing a call that's not going right, like remember the first Madonna one?

the madonna lie yeah and that was we were doing we were banking a bunch and she was talking about her kid and anxiety and then i was like i just don't see how we're going to air this because we can't give real advice on anxiety it was like we don't know what a kid should do and i remember getting all mad at her and being like come on come on and then all of a sudden she starts going on this new world and you're like oh i love when a call in the middle almost switches premise

Yeah. And then sometimes it sometimes it takes late. The last thing one of us will pitch something and we're like, now the call just started. We're just 20 minutes into it. For the most part, we normally are pretty good at the beginning of knowing a direction. But there are also times where we're like, someone talk. And then like 15 in. Yeah. One of us will be like, that's the angle. Very rarely is there one that afterwards I've thought we offered no help.

I agree. There are very few. I don't know if they'll take it. I don't know if it'll work, but we did pitch. By the way, with all the talk of how weird it is that I have all these animals in my backyard and all that, we have forgotten you have a big pain in the neck. You have a cat behind your head. All right, everyone. Enjoy the show. Without further ado. Hello. Hello. Welcome to. Hi.

Hi, welcome to... Steve, Steve, Steve. Sorry, I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Steve, Steve. I'm going to take that from... Take it. Right before this one started, he said, I'm so hungry. Do not rush through this. Okay, I just want to say that I love your guys' show and me and my fiance listen to it all the time, so I'm so excited. Well, full disclosure, this...

The wonderful Gary Reynolds is not here today. He is traveling for work. So I am Steve Berg. I am the substitute today, but you are also joined by Jake Johnson and the show. Okay. Amazing. So can we get your name please? Yeah. My name is Emma. Emma. And Emma, where are you calling from? I am calling from Brooklyn, New York. What part of Brooklyn? Crown Heights, Prospect Heights area. You ever go through Greenpoint?

Yes. All the time. You seen a house that has pumpkins out front with underpants on them?

I don't think I've seen that house. Jake always asks this, by the way. This is just kind of a go-to question. And if there's not one there, I hope there will be soon. Emma, if you were to have a last meal, if you were one of those people in a jail situation, you're about to be electrocuted, and they say, this is your last meal. Emma, what are you putting together on that big plate of food? Ooh. Ooh.

oh that's a tough question it could be a weird mix this isn't a restaurant this is the best question i've ever heard okay what do you think okay so i recently got diagnosed with celiac so i can't eat gluten anymore but yes you behold hey emma emma emma you're about to die you got about four hours before you're zapped yeah get that baguette girl yeah yeah so i'm eating like a plate of like

pancakes bread sourdough like waffles anything that you can think of that has gluten in it like a whole giant yes yes you'll die before they electrocute you just to say fuck you all right is there a main course though i'm like like a lasagna or something like that yeah i think honestly

pasta with butter like real pasta so you're a carb girl so good yes I love carbs so good we're all carb girls but you're not a big protein fan

I'm a protein. Okay. But carbs definitely way better. Like dessert. That's the biggest thing. I'm in cake, all sorts of cupcakes, cookies, all that. This is winning. So Emma, now we got a setup. You've made us all very hungry. Very hungry. You revealed us all to be carb girls. So what can we do for you today?

Okay. So the question that I have for you, first, I'll tell you the problem. So my fiance and I have gotten into like repeated argument for the past six months about a folding table in our apartment. And we live in this like kind of like a loft in Brooklyn. It's pretty spacious, but we only have like a couch and like a kitchen counter with chairs. And I really like to have people over for dinner. So I really wanted a dining room table. And he was like, no, no way. No dining room table.

gonna mess up like the flow of the apartment so i was like you know what he's a feng shui kind of guy

yeah he was like i care so much about this and i was like fine we'll get a folding table right like i'll store it i'll put it away when people come we'll take it out it'll be good still no he was like no what i don't want a folding table in the apartment we don't have a good place to put it there is there's like a closet it would fit in the closet no problem so i'm like okay fine you're being unreasonable but what if

I'll borrow it from our neighbor. Like I'll borrow it. It'll be in the apartment for like five hours to the dinner party and I'll return. He's like, no, under no one. Emma, Emma, this guy is simply unreasonable. Partnerships are about negotiation. You get it. Also, Steve, imagine a couple of guys like you and I trying this with our ladies. It just simply wouldn't work. My wife would turn into a pile of ashes instantly.

I would change my tune and say like, I'm the one fighting for the table. Okay. So Emma, he won't budge on a table. Did something happen to him when he was a boy with a table? Did a table fall on his head or something? No. It's so crazy because he doesn't care. Like I designed our whole apartment. Like I picked all the furniture in college. Like his apartment was like two folding chairs, like beach chairs and like a TV on like a crate.

Yeah. Like he has never in his life cared about apartment feng shui. And all of a sudden he's like quoting interior designers and he's like, no, it's going to mess up the interior design landscape. And I was like, oh my God. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So he, there's a little bit of a C chain in his attitude and what is important to him in this. It seems like, is he like ultimatum in this? Like, this is like so deeply important to where he won't budge. Or do you think he's just being a,

a little bit difficult in terms of like i don't want that you wouldn't let me have that one share i wanted like is he getting back at you for something who is this a negotiation yeah that's a good question but i was like he was like no you always get your way and this time you're not getting your way about the full vacation emma emma emma now we're starting to get to the meat and potatoes in this last meal right we started with the carbs girl

but we were living in pancakes and croissants and then you just dropped a steak on the table. Yeah. Emma, what do we call in this partner of yours? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. What do we call him? His name is Hugh. Hugh. Okay. So Hugh, now let me ask you a real question here because I,

This is madness. This idea of you won't. So I get it if he doesn't want a big folding tape, a big table in the middle. But I got to say, you're very reasonable. A folding table that gets stored and him going, no. Let me ask you a bigger question. What have you won that you don't even consider a win between you? Because for you, it's basic. But he feels like he lost.

Because I got a feeling there's something big that he feels like he lost. And for you, you're like, it wasn't even a negotiation. He was being a maniac. Yeah.

Okay, so probably the fact that we live in New York was like a huge win for me because he wanted to move out west. And I was like, everyone we know lives here. We're staying in New York. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that's a huge win for you, I will say. Huge. That makes a folding table just seem like a little stupid old folding table. I'm on Hugh's side now. I'm kidding. Where out west did Hugh want to move?

to idaho interesting right that's i did not want to move to idaho no you don't he likes skiing okay he really likes skiing like hiking and stuff so that's like why he wanted to move there and how long have you two been together uh five years okay is this gonna end in wedding bells

Yes, we got engaged over the summer. So that's the plan. I have an important question. How is he in terms of like his social proclivities? Does he like to entertain and have people over? Or is that something that is important to you, but not him?

No, he does not like having people over, but he is the one who does the cooking. I think this might be... Yeah, he does the cooking because he's a little socially awkward. Yeah, he's all high in the kitchen. So my thinking is that...

He doesn't want to entertain. He doesn't want to have dinner parties like you. Also, Stevie, he wanted to go to Idaho to get away from all these people. Uh-huh. Look, people want to go to Idaho and who want to ski and who have a granola-ish bend, they're non-materialist people. They're less is more people. They're like, I'll hang my mountain bike in the thing and have a little hot plate. I'm good. Yeah.

They don't want a table that's meant for hosting when they don't want to host in the first place. So what if here is, I don't know if this is going to work, but they do make these wonderful tables that they have spacers in them, right? And you can take the spacers out and it can fold into a little two-person table or it can become a six-person table. What if you kind of re-imagined the pitch thing like,

look, Hugh, babe, you know, you make such great food. It would be nice maybe every once in a while to not sit in front of the TV like a couple of zombies and eat dinner, but actually sit at a table, light a candle, have a little wine, like have a night where we connect and say, how was your day? How was your day? We don't have to do it every night, Hugh, but maybe on a Saturday night, it would be fun to eat at a table.

If he's like, no, I just like to eat at the couch. Then. But Emma, he's talking about a good old switcheroo. It's a switcheroo where it's basically you compliment him. It's like, I really enjoy. It's so wonderful when you put these wonderfully thoughtful meals together. And sometimes it just, they feel diminished while we're, you know, sitting on the couch, watching a friend's rerun. What do you think, Emma? Do you think you could convince him to get a table for another room in your apartment? Yeah.

And then when you buy that table, it has extenders. Do you think that's a reality? I think the problem is there isn't like a good spot for it to live. All they're like in kind of like the center of the room, which is exactly what he doesn't want. Cause I did pose that as like, I was like looking at those like tables, like convert to like smaller tables and the ones that like fold up and dah, dah, dah. And he was like, no, we have too much stuff. We have too much furniture. I don't want anything else. Where do you guys eat your meals?

We either eat at the kitchen counter, like, at their, like, stools there, or we eat on the couch. Okay. So you do have a kitchen counter, but is it a side-by-side? It's, like, has, like, room for, like, two chairs, basically. Not enough to host, Stevie. Not enough to host. No, no. But very romantic. Yeah, it is romantic. That kind of nixes the idea of, like, I just want to sit at a table and have a nice meal with you. You have that. Let me pitch something that might be stupid.

Okay. But this is a low IQ show. What are you talking about? Test us. Nobody wants to see those results. We will not pass. Well, it's not a pass fail. It just gives you your number. It all is. You can't fail an IQ test. I did. So what if you in that big dining room area, you got a big comfy throw rug.

Okay. And you did a little Brooklyn style when you hosted and everybody sat on the floor. So that's what he like wants people to do, like sit on the floor around the coffee table. Beanbags. Beanbags. Interesting. So beanbags like on the floor. We're going to store those. And also, but you just have them around. He'll sit on them. And also he's a, you know what? He's a, he's a skier. You know what they need? Those little travel chairs, those little camping chairs.

I bet he's got some of those. Now we're talking about more storage. No, but is Hugh a camper? Does he camp? He does camp. Yeah. He has like some, I don't know if he probably has like, he probably has like one of those like camping chairs. Okay. This is hard. Yeah. How old is Hugh? Um,

We are both 20. I'm 26 and he's 27. Oh, you're babies. You're babies. So yeah, you guys had the kinds of backs that could actually sit out being back and be so we're comfortable. Yeah. I've got a weird one for you. Okay. It's a lie. Are you comfortable with it? Okay. I'm comfortable with it. I'm not good at lying, but I'm comfortable with it. You can get good. Who's good at lying? We are. We were. We were.

So here's what I say. You go. So in super strange news, my great aunt just died who I was not close with. And she left me this old antique table. So it's being delivered. I don't want it either. But I guess we could sell it after it gets here.

And then you've got it, you set it up and it just takes you forever to sell that thing. I don't know. It's just not working. Nobody wants it. And then once it's there, here's my feeling about a guy like you. Once it's in this space, who cares? Yeah. He's not going to do anything about it. That's what I think. Or you just fucking get one. Yeah. And he comes home.

And you just lay on it and you say, take me on this table. And you're instantly, you know what you call it? A sex table. Yeah. And it's not for entertaining. Look, the entertaining was a ruse. That was my excuse. But really...

Or you get a table and when he comes home one day, put blankets on it and go, I got us a massage table and I'd like to give you a massage. And he goes, that's not a massage table. That's a hosting table. And you go, what are you talking about? You psychopath. This is a, I'm working on massaging my man. Yeah. And then you go, do you not want to lay down and get, you go, do you not want to lay down and get an hour massage? And he'll go like, I mean, I do, but I don't. And I go, we can't do it on the floor. That's insane.

As crazy as this one is, I like it because...

I think you can also lighten the tone of this negotiation slash argument, because even if you go to the length of doing this and a, he benefits, he gets a massage too. He sees that it's a bit and you're funny. Yeah. Yes. It is really important. And it's foldable. It's foldable. Get a foldable one. Yeah. So that you can get rid of, you go, I'm just bringing out this massage table to give you massages. And then I want to get rid of it. Are you cool with that?

And then you go, or I could just throw it in an alley and not give you a massage. Yeah. And then you go, but I do have a fantasy. Go ahead, Emma. Oh God. I was just going to say, we actually got, he actually got a massage for the first time this past weekend and he loved it. He's obsessed with it. Perfect timing. That's what I would do. I would get a,

a retractable foldable table, whatever you can get rid of. I would get some sort of a comfortable blanket on top of it and make sure it's strong enough for a Hughes body.

Okay. Uh, cause well, you don't want to, you don't want to get it. Hugh goes on and falls at break. That's true. He was going to be definitely out on the table. Then he's going to be mad. Uh, but if you can, you can set it up as, Hey, after your massage, I realized how much you liked it. Uh, I think it's something that could be fun for us that we could give each other massages. We could kind of get into that. Maybe unlike a birthday or a special night, we could have somebody come here and give us a massage. Uh,

Exactly. Maybe there's a massage table that converts into a dinner table. Yes! I don't know if that's going to be... Maybe. Or a couple's massage table that you could put something on top of.

Oh, like a platform, like a wooden platform. And you know what you do with that platform when you're done with it? Lean it against the wall. You know what it takes in terms of space? Two inches. And I will say, as a person who likes to attend a dinner party, make sure you clean that surface before you feed people. Because it could get all greasy. There's oils and lotions involved. I know.

So it was right. Let's make it sanitary. Yeah. You got to think of food hygiene. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, make sure it is a fold enough. It can fold away and be put away easy where it's not taking up too much cloud space. And that is weight bearing for old Hugh. Yeah. So what do you think? Are you going to do this? I think, yes, I think I like this plan. Finding some sort of table that will support his weight.

I'm like playing it off as like a massage. I like this. I like this. And you know, if I'm Hugh, right. And I lost the Idaho thing. I don't even want to be in New York. I don't want to host.

I love my partner. I want to be with Emma. I'm happy in my situation, but I'm kind of getting a raw deal. And then for some reason, I draw a line in the sand and I say like, no table. And now I'm kind of too deep into this bullshit. I can't get out of it. Yeah. I came home one day and then you can't lose because then all of a sudden you're losing everything. And he's still 27. Yeah. I mean, a week and a half ago, he was 18.

Soon this part of his will is going to slow down, but it's just not there yet. So if he comes home and there's a big table and he goes like, what the fuck is going on? And on it, there's a note that says, I got us a massage table. This card gets you free 10 massages from me whenever you want it.

he's won by losing. Yeah. And also, I think it will, I really do think this will lighten the negotiation. Like, I think he'll feel like, I think he'll have a laugh and even maybe feel to himself like, gosh, maybe I was being a little harsh on the table.

Yes, I like this. And so, Emma, what are you going to do? What are your next steps? How are you going to find a massage table that works as a folding table? What the hell are you going to do here? Good question. I think I'm going to start on Amazon. Amazon feels like a good place to start. See if I can find any load-bearing folding tables and some big...

huffy blankets that feels like yes yeah yeah yeah way way fair to my guess where those blankets exist when they're not massages on the couch for tv yeah exactly extra extra cozy so i would get those first so they're just in your house and he goes what are these for you go i'm always cold yeah my feet get cold in the in the winter yeah so emma are you gonna actually do this

Yes, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Will you send us a photo of it when it's all set up in the dining room? Absolutely. I will send you guys a photo. And if he's willing to play ball, will you do it with him laying on the table? Yeah. And if he's not, if you don't want to risk it.

Just that, but if he's willing to play ball, it'd be great to see him laying on that table in the middle of the day. Okay, I'll do my best. I'll do my best. All right, we appreciate you. Thanks for the call. Okay, thanks so much. Bye.

Dell Technologies' early holiday savings event is live. And if you've been waiting for an AI-ready PC, this is their biggest sale of the year. Tech enthusiasts love this sale because it's all the newest hits plus all the greatest hits all on sale at once.

Savings on Dell Technologies, most popular PCs that accelerate AI with Intel Core. Ultra processors are here, like the XPS 16. The XPS 16 delivers supercharged processing for enhanced productivity and freedom to express yourself with a dedicated system

for AI-enabled apps. So if you're ready to step up all the things you like to do, streaming, surfing, multitasking, whatever, Dell Technologies AI-ready PCs are the perfect upgrade. And for the best of Intel Core Ultra processors, look for Intel Evo Edition laptops engineered to do it all. Just visit dell.com slash deals.

Whether you're treating yourself or thinking of others, these early holiday savings prices were worth the wait, but it's only here for a limited time. Shop now at Dell.com slash deals. And we're brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Listen, spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods.

It's the holiday season. It's hard to shop and Uncommon Goods makes it so much less stressful because they have all these handpicked gifts for everyone on your list all in one spot. So you could kind of go through the site and you'll see gifts that will spark joy or delight. And you'll be like, oh, I never even thought of that. And you'll order it. That's what happened with me.

because they really look all over the world for original, handmade, remarkable things. They just know the perfect gift for every single person you know. That's a Gareth T. A few of the things that I got was I got my girlfriend this, like,

this sweater with dogs all over it. She loves it. The quality is awesome. So when you shop on Common Goods, you're also supporting artists and small independent businesses, which is great. So a lot of the handcrafted products are made in small batches. So if you see something you like, order it right away because they're always looking for high quality products. So go get them.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash here to help. That's uncommongoods.com slash here to help for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the order.

And we're brought to you by Rocket Money. You know Rocket Money. I mean, Rocket Money can find subscriptions that you're still paying for that you didn't know you were paying for. It can help you with many things. But basically, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that will help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Gareth, you already said that doesn't matter. It's important to know monitors your spending helps you lower your bills. You can grow your savings. All things we value in this country more than ever.

Kevin, you have an interesting Rocket Money story, don't you? I got Rocket Money last week. I got it on like a Sunday night and was like, oh, this seems cool. I've wanted to try this out and have like a better understanding of because I feel very paranoid that there are so many things I'm probably you've talked about the Green Bay Packers plan you paid for three years. I was paranoid. I'm like, there has to be things like that that I'm like real that I thought I canceled that I didn't. So I signed up like on a Sunday night.

Put in my info. It looks cool. Again, I love a good app. Wake up in the morning, get a notification. We saved you $168 a year on your New York Times subscription. Oh, man. Immediately knocked down. Yeah, like a...

huge amount of a subscription I was paying for. So literally had it for less than 12 hours and immediately saw like 200 bucks back. So there is a real racket in, they know if you sign up for the subscription, they'll just keep renewing. I just had that happen. I used rocket money with a thing. I won't, I'm not going to say what company, but yeah, I was paying for it and I'm going with the, what?

Yeah, like I have not read something on here forever. So listen, we love rocket money. It's definitely worth trying to find out what you're paying for. And if anything, it's just going to be funny. And if you don't believe us, well, why don't you talk to the five million users that it has saved over?

$500 million for in canceled subscriptions. It's saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. rocketmoney.com slash help.

Hi there. Who are we talking to? My name is Brittany. Brittany, hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You've got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask your age and where you're calling from? Yes, I am 36 and I'm calling from my office in Burbank at the moment. Burbank? We could do this in person. Yeah, in California. It's very exciting. Well, welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us? What's up?

Okay. So basically I need a new go-to drink order when I go out with friends. Um, I can't drink beer, whiskey, some gins or scotch. Like I know that's annoying. My default drink. You just jumped over a lot. This, uh, why can't you drink beer, whiskey, all those? Are you like allergy lady? Are you a wild drunk woman?

um i'm an allergy lady it's unfortunate i have celiac um also anything with uh i'm going to pretend now that this is also going to be a medical call but so anything with gluten exactly you are so smart i called the right people that question was from both of us just so you know but what about a t-dose then can't you get isn't t-dose made out of potatoes

Yeah, I can do Tito's. I can do most vodkas, tequila, champagne, and rum. Tequila's a wonder of you, because I got to tell you here, Bea, you're talking to another allergy guy. Oh, geez, I'm so sorry. I had, Brittany, I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but we're going to get back to you, I promise. I did a press tour. I didn't have anything. I did a press tour with Damon Wayans Jr. We were in Arizona. It was for either Let's Be Cops or New Girl.

And I woke up with bumps all over my body, my face, my neck. And I was convinced it was bedbugs.

And we freaked out. It was, it was let's be cops because Nick Thomas, the writer was there and they were like, this is disgusting. This dump of a hotel gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody would sit next to me. I had to kind of sit in my own little space. I got home, threw away all my clothes. My wife wouldn't let me in the house, threw away my luggage, uh, got in like basically a, a gown and went to the emergency room. And the guy did a blood test and said, not bed bugs, allergy to dairy, uh,

and anything related to the cow. And so, Brittany, that led me on a journey because one of my allergies I found was also the creation of histamines. So wines, beers, all that out the window. Oh, no. But the journey to beautiful tequilas and vodkas began.

then you are definitely the right person. Yes, you've called the right place. I'm so thankful. What was your favorite drink before you found out about this allergy, Brittany?

I didn't drink a lot before. I grew up very lame and sheltered. And so I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And then probably after that, it was like another year or two. So I just discovered alcohol and then it was all taken away from me. So up to this point, my default is kind of just like a vodka diet Coke. But I get a lot of side. Yeah.

Yeah, that is wild. That is a wild diet coke. That's a Montague and Capulet cocktail. Okay, this is why I need you guys, because this is the reaction I get everywhere. Yeah, and everyone's right. Everyone's right on this. I hate to say it like that, but they're right. Brittany, if you and I went out and I said, you go...

Let's just sit at this corner table. I grew up pretty sheltered. This bar is a little bit much for me. And I go, let me handle the order. And I grew up like a wild animal. And I go, B, what can I get you to drink here? You've been working all day in Burbank. You're exhausted. And you go, just get me a vodka diet Coke. I'm Lee. I'm walking right. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm crawling out the goddamn window. It is the drink order. And we're not trying to roast you.

But that is the drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol till after 21. You're just kind of taking two things you like, but they don't match together. They don't. They can't. OK, so, Brittany, let's let's get to the root of this. What do you like about a vodka Diet Coke? You just like Diet Cokes and you like vodka or do you just like a Diet Coke?

I like that I can pronounce it. I like that it's easy. I like that, you know, anywhere you go, except some places only have Pepsi and that I, I will not do a vodka Pepsi. That is just, that's crossing a line for me. It's an interesting line you have there. Agreed. I'm with Gary. Yeah. I have, I have some taste, but I just, I don't know. I think it's lovely. I blacked out. I forgot what you asked me, but, oh, it's sweet. It's nice. It's,

You know, if the ice melts, it doesn't taste terrible. If you add like a little squeeze of lime. Brittany, do you not really like alcohol, but you're going out socially and you like the social lubrication of it all?

Well, I don't need social lubrication. I'm like a hoot and a half. I am usually the designated driver because I am so fun without alcohol. However, when I do go out with friends or on dates or whatever, I don't want to gross people out. And I think this is really...

you know, I'm still single and I would like to not be. And I have a feeling maybe if I can get a cool drink order that sounds either fun or sophisticated, that might help. I'm going to tell you this. It's not going to hurt. Perfect. Yeah. Now, let me ask you one question. And I only ask this because I'm trying to target the perfect cocktail for you. Is the Diet Coke part of it? Is that is that a calorie rationale or is that just you like Diet Coke? It's a good question.

Um, you know, I just like a diet Coke. I think a regular Coke, it's just way too much sugar. I'm also, I don't drink coffee. I'm like very, um, peppy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar in cause I'm already, you know, a little hummingbird. Can I, can I just start before Gareth, you start thinking of drinks. Cause I feel like you're going in a direction that I'm going to try to get us away from.

I say we get rid of the diet Coke of it all and the sweet drink. You don't want to order a Seabreeze, right? You don't want to order a screwdriver. You don't want to go like, do you have fresh pineapple? You're just looking for a simple drink that doesn't overly taste like alcohol that is going to be socially acceptable. You're not somebody, it doesn't seem to me like you're somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going to have one or two drinks tops. I'm going to lead out with something here, Gareth. Okay, go.

Here's what I would lead out with. A Tito's Vodka, because when you order a specific brand, it's cooler than just saying Well Vodka.

Okay. You know, when you're 22, you could just say like, whatever. And then they just give you trash. So a Tito's is a nice solid vodka. It's also made from, uh, it's potato based. And if anybody wants to check my facts, I don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm there. That's fine. I believe it's your sweet spot. Yeah. Thank you. And what I would do is I would do a vodka soda.

with Tito's and extra limes. And I would actually take the limes and squeeze them in, then mix it together. And now you've got a, you let that ice melt a little bit, which will cut into your vodka. And now you have a watered down vodka with the carbonation in the lime. And for a 36 year old lady in Burbank, who's just looking for one drink on a date, that feels pretty sweet to me. It's a sophisticated order.

It feels like a nice solid thing that you're going to actually enjoy drinking. I like it. That feels good. I could get behind that. I like that. I feel comfortable with it. It's not making me sweat. You know, I'm not getting nervous thinking about it. It's a really easy order and the name branding, the vodka helps and having like the extra lime just make you feel like you got a little bit of flair. God damn it. Yeah. Like it's a little vacation. Yeah.

It's actually probably the cocktail I'm going to be moving to soon because I like wine. I see guys like Jake and I, we cut out hard liquor for reasons that are not, we have an allergy like gluten to it. It's more like,

We forget things that we said to people. We had long conversations. I had my last public blackout probably about two and a half years ago at a wedding. And since then, I've sworn off the hard alcohol as far as like, you know, shots, things like that. But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're definitely not going to get a lot of judgment because that is a very popular drink.

I have one other pitch and it's just because I think it's a good conversation start, right? So if you want to go under the radar, I think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you want someone to be like, what the hell did you just order in a good way? Bellini. I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low, low calorie. It is, uh, it's gluten-free, uh,

And it's just kind of a weird little cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas, we all know, is the breakfast drink. It's what us alcoholics have with waffles to pretend like things are fine. But the Bellini is maybe a way if you're on a date and you don't want to say the vodka diet soda, which we're all flagging as problematic vodka soda, you're going to fly under the radar. But if you want, hey, what the hell is a Bellini?

There you go. I think you might be able to. Brittany, do you want a what the hell's a Bellini moment? You know, I'm a big researcher, so I'm just going to look up a Bellini after this. I think I've had one before. As long as I can confidently talk about it, that's great. People don't even give me a chance to talk about Vodka Diet Coke before like you two just went off on me. So I feel like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think I could do that.

We piled on it. Let me just say on behalf of both of us, I'm sorry. We really just, we jumped right in. I got to jump the other way. We jumped on, but I think we jumped on for good reason. I agree, but I'm trying to be nice. I know you're trying to be nice, but sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and you got to jump on it. And we did, Brittany. We're here to help. We're not here to rub your back and say, great job. A vodka diet Coke is a bad order. Yeah.

It is what Charles Manson would have had. You're right. I'm being aggressive now. Maybe I overjumped. I apologize. I don't know. I'm never going to learn if I don't hear this. That's right. But you do seem like a lovely person. I think a Bellini is okay. I wouldn't lean out on a Bellini personally. I like to fly under the radar. But if you're somebody who likes to research, that's fine. Here's another easy one.

And this is just a, you could look a little cool, but without being over the top, you could a hard seltzer and ask for anything local.

So sure, you could go with a claw, but so, but you could also go like, do you have any, uh, especially in California, all these like hipster brewery places now are doing their own hard seltzers, but infused with like mangoes from a local mango tree. And that's pretty good. And I got to tell you, they taste delicious. This is pretty good. There's not a high alcohol count.

So if you are a quote unquote problem drinker, like the guy's giving you advice right now, you can drink about a hundred of those and you're going to be just fine. But if you make this call and you go, I do have any like local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzers, they will have one or two. And then if you go, you know, you name the fruits that's infused in it that you like,

You're going to really enjoy that can, in my opinion. So I would go- I like that. I would either go that or the most basic is vodka soda. Bellini, if you want a conversation starter. And if you want to do the hard seltzer with a conversation starter, hard seltzer, and I'd like a champagne flute. Hmm.

No, don't do this. It's not intriguing. I'm just saying it's an intriguing order. Brittany, he's leading you wrong. I'm helping. We've found some ideas here. Now we like to end these with, what do you think you're going to do?

I think I'm going to do the Tito's and vodka. I think that's super easy. I will do a Bellini once the summer. I will try everything. And then I'll take notes. I'll report back. Great. Please. Yes, please let us know. And I think no matter what,

The fact that you're moving away from the vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins. So, you know, enjoy yourself and you'll find it. And I think also, again, I'm not I think I'm really leaning into this conversation starter. But the fact that you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter. So if you need it, it's there.

Yeah. Perfect. It was like, it got real quiet after my last line there. Well, I think you honestly weirded the fuck out of everybody. Me. It's a palpable feeling right now. Gareth, I think you got too honest. I just,

I just want the conversation started. And when we started this call, everybody was on board with that. You don't get to jump ship right now. No, no, no. We want more podcast voice, Gareth. We don't want the real guy. We're in the foxhole together. No, we're not. We live and die together. Goodbye. Brittany, this was a perfect call. We appreciate you calling. We hope we helped a little bit. Thank you so much. You helped a lot. Thank you. Bye.

And we're brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, we love Squarespace. We talk about it all the time on this show. We use it to make websites for callers. We fix problems. My personal website is Squarespace.

Kevin, you have any Squarespace heat? What do you got? I'm in a very niche job market world where I'm a freelance podcast producer. There's no like IMDB for podcast producers to show like, here's all the shows I've worked on. So I just wanted to make something simple that just have like the album art of all of the shows I've produced over the last decade. You're bragging.

I'm flexing. I'm not going to lie. It's a little bit of a flex for me, but I was just so easily able to make a website and put the album art on. Like it's very visually stimulating and I am not a creative, visually stimulating person. So I was just I looked very impressive on there and I was very happy to make Kevin Bartelt dot com.

No, no, no. We're not doing that. Gareth Reynolds dot com for shows and information. We're not doing that. But no, it's true. I mean, that's exactly what I went through with my website. I just could not believe how easy it was. And I was like, oh, my God, I look legit.

So listen, they have tons of stuff you can use. Design intelligence, Squarespace payments, connected social media, multimedia accounts. They make selling merch easy. All these things that sound like things that are intimidating. Squarespace brings them down to earth, makes them possible. Give it a shot. Head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code GIL. Save. Save.

The restaurant business is tough, but that doesn't stop celebrities from trying to open their own spots over and over again. On each episode of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop, comedians join Misha Brown to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Britney Spears had Niall. Guy Fieri had Times Square Empire. Eva Longoria had a steakhouse called She with a baffling gender-themed concept.

And they each went bust in their own special way. Peloton star Cody Rigsby and Amanda Hirsch, host of Not Skinny But Not Fat, joined Misha to review this trio of failed celebrity restaurants. Follow the Big Flop on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

The holidays are better when you're not feeling guilty or worried about carbs. With Hero Bread, you can indulge in the soft, fluffy experience you love guilt-free. I just was eating Hero Bread 15 minutes ago. I love it. I am a big customer of it. I honestly think it tastes better than regular bread at this point, and it's way less carbs.

My favorite hero bread is just the regular bread sliced. I've been putting some butter on it and dipping it in olive oil and holy mackerel is it working for me. It tastes honestly just as good or even better. It's way healthier. The tortillas are delicious.

So yeah, I'm a big fan of this. Oh, we sure do love it. Okay, so listen, keep the carbs out of the season without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's H-E-L-P at H-E-R-O dot C-O.

Hello. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help, which is what we're going to do. You're on with Gareth. You know me. I'm on the show. And in Jake's stead, we have the fantastic John Gabrus, who, by the way, advice-wise, is on fire. So you're in a good spot. I've made all the mistakes you could in life at the ripe old age of 42. That's right. I'm here to guide you from getting them yourself, babe. Things are bad. I see a poncho in the background. Okay.

Can we get your name and where you're calling from and what's going on, please? Absolutely. My name is Courtney. I'm 37 and I'm calling from Glenside, Pennsylvania, which is a suburb of Philadelphia. Okay. Interesting. I'll be there soon. All right, Courtney, what's going on? So I'm throwing a 40th birthday party for my husband in November.

In the form of a roast, like a comedy roast. Okay. Yeah. I'm tapping out. Good luck. Kevin, you're a lawyer. Are you a divorce lawyer by any chance? This is...

thin ice already but okay keep going well okay so he has a great sense of humor and they all say they do and then they get roasted and then they're like fuck you todd get out of my house i know comedians who can't handle being roasted okay three of them are on the zoom right now okay so he claims that that he has a great sense of humor okay

Yes, and I noticed that he is more comfortable actually being teased than people like...

nice things about him. He's easier to connect with through humor. So I think that it would be a really actually meaningful way to celebrate him. But of course, as you've mentioned, there's the risk that it could not go well and a flop would be just so...

uncomfortable for him, but also for his guests. So my question is, how do I help our guests, our family and friends who are going to be the one roasting him? How do I give them guidance on how to make this event successful and make sure that we get some laughter and, you know, he feels the love and it's not just like one long cringy event. Yeah.

Oof. Oof. Okay. Do you know who Tony Hinchcliffe is? Yeah. This is a dangerous... Okay. On roasts, traditionally, you have a dais. So you have... You've selected people. Are you planning on going that route? So the people who are going to be roasting him will be our friends and family. Everybody. Did they volunteer? Yes. Or did you assign a bunch of people to do this? I'm going to invite...

anyone who's invited to do it. Courtney, I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to stop you right now. This is actually I'm way more qualified to give advice on running orders of shows. Yes. Then almost anything else that comes up. I ask people. Yeah. I you do not want to town hall it where someone could be like, Jack's a fat fuck, you know, like where he's like, not a punchline. What I would do, first of all, I do not think open it up to everybody.

I would, I would like give it wedding rules, select the people who you're going to bestow the honor onto, uh,

First of all, length is going to be an issue if you're just letting anyone do it. Also, it's just I do think you'll find some misses. Everybody feels like they can get roasted until it's happening. And everyone feels like they can do roast until they step out and go, one time when he was drinking and driving, he fucking killed a kid. And you're like, oh, that's not even a roast. There's one guy who's like, it's not bad. Yeah.

Yeah, I think you should. What I would do is to start off with, I would select like five people. I would not make it a super long thing. And choosing those people who your husband thinks is funny or fun. Yes.

or has a good relationship with, because maybe your coworker, who he low-key kind of hates, going up there and saying, like, and what's the deal with adult acne? Get your shit together, man. Like, that could break his fucking heart, you know? And the other thing is that roasts, normally you open it up to roast other people, too. Like, it's not just the one guy. And my guess is, even if your husband is comfortable with it, it's not going to be like, let's have...

you know, every everybody's a target here. So if you're going to do like the traditional deus, you know what you kind of should, I would pick five people. I would let I would ask them, are you cool also having jokes made at your expense? If they say, you know, you kind of have to put in some rules. You could go at my husband. You can go at me. You should kind of host the event.

You can go at me, and you can also, Sally's down, Trevor's down, but outside of that, let's be very careful with what we do. Otherwise, you are going to be like, holy fuck, what just happened back here?

and back here and it's not like it's not like all your friends are like shooters or anything like that so you can tell them you can say like and don't bring up like the low sperm motility yeah right sensitive about that like you can leave like a few things off the table i whereas if you tell andrew schultz that that's unfortunately what's gonna happen that's what's gonna happen yeah so i i and i i think that's exactly right i would be like you know he's

his brother being sick. Let's not do anything in that direction. You definitely cannot just Wild West this. His mom being one of the two girls, one cup, like just leave that out of this. Yeah, exactly. By the way, I'm starstruck. Nice to meet you. You're surprisingly clean. I'll fly in for the event, to be honest with you.

Gareth, let's go roast the fuck out of this guy. You give us a dossier on your husband and $1,000 and we'll be there. Wait, when is his birthday?

It's not until July, so I'm giving myself plenty of time to plan and give the guests some guidelines. What I would do, I would select the five. I would say, you ask the five, are you cool also having some fun poked in your direction? And I would give a list of topics you think will be very fertile and just be like, you can hit here, here, here, here, here. You can come at me with anything you want except for this.

make it a little organized so that it's all in good fun. And then you even during the event, if you wanted, you could be like, look, I preselected these five people. Does anyone want to come up here and go a quick roast of him? You can maybe have like a wild card, but I don't think you could just set up like a microphone and be like, let's savage my husband. I just think it'll be chaos. Yeah. And you'll need to know like, oh,

our cousin Bruce is the best at this. So he's got to go. Because if you leave it like open mic style, the guy who goes last is the guy. And notice I am gendering these. Yes. It is going to be absolutely men who ruin this experience for you. Yes. That's why I think give it, yes, give it a running order to, like any wedding you go to, people are like, I'm going to murder. And then you're like, boy, that was brutal.

people have confidence going into these things and then they get kind of in the moment and they just buckle. So,

Select people, five to six people, give the list of things that could work and give a show order to. And it's honestly not crazy for you to even be like, can I see some of the jokes? Like, you know, give a little bit of shape to the event. Otherwise, it's not only going to come across chaotic. He could be like, that was brutal.

Good call on let me see some of the jokes because, Courtney, you don't want a bunch of repeats either. Yeah. Because you got to think about the final edit of the episode of the roast. All right. How does that sound to you, Courtney? Does that feel like it kind of gives you a little more of a perspective on this? Yeah, it's good. I have a follow-up question, though, because I actually think the problem is more so that, like, people would be hesitant to participate and go, like, too soft. And I'm kind of wanting to, like...

push people like I would love to see his mom get up on stage and like have some zinger about him I just think that would be so hilarious and also like I think my husband would enjoy that so is there a way for the outside of the like five people I select that I think are most comfortable doing this sort of thing can we get everyone involved somehow even if it's just like

writing something or saying one thing in front of everyone with some like predetermined format that can really get everyone involved because I'm kind of considering this their gift to him. Okay.

I would watch some roasts because my gut is if you want his mother to do some jokes, write her some jokes. You know, write her some stuff that you think will work. When you watch roasts, they do have like

If you set it up like a traditional roast, have five people sitting there, have him sitting in his own seat. You sort of host it. And then you can bring the mother out as a special guest before the end and maybe have some jokes for her to do. But.

I don't see a version where like people will be laughing and participating. I think if you opened it up and go, hey, we're going to town hall it for a minute. So if anyone wants to come up here and say anything to my husband, let's go. But I don't think there's I just think.

You need to produce it to some. These are heavily produced things like that seem very free and crazy, but they're heavily produced. The people write the jokes. There is a running order. It's heavily edited for obvious reasons. There are not a lot of repeat jokes, like John said. So I think you're going to find it's a little less is more.

Yeah. And I, I, I think, you know, if you have the, one of your funnier friends or if it's even you, you know, write a few things for your mother-in-law and let her, you know, be like, would you be comfortable coming up and saying this? Because that you're right. That would be a showstopper. That's always going to, it's always going to crush whether she does it very well or kind of sweetly poor bad. It's going to work. And my thought, I remember what I, uh, my train of thought was before, uh,

when you start this roast versus when you let people start drinking very well as well. You do not want to have everyone over getting tossed up and then the roast starts two hours after that. So true. You need to get these people because when it all triggered me when Gareth said like you see people bomb at weddings and I've seen it a lot and like 50% of the time it's pure.

purely alcohol based. It's like a false sense of confidence comes with that. You forget kind of what you're going to do. Someone just like talks about someone who like he slept with and you're like, no, I can't believe he hasn't posted pictures of your feet yet. You're like, what the fuck, man? Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. I,

I think that's right. And also, if there's some people who can't make it to the event, you can do some videos. You know, you could have someone send a video in or something like that. So you can have. Yeah. Along the same lines, Courtney, if that's too much production, you can and you can deliver jokes. You could say and your cousin. Yeah, right. Make it wanted me to say, you know, or when you sit on a dollar makes four quarters, bitch. Yeah. You can have a voice memo. You could, you know, I think you can make you can definitely include.

that like it's not doesn't seem as structured as it actually is but you this thing could go on too long and people are going to start to be like this is fucking boring you leave on a high note is always the the role of a comic and

You've got to try to do that. No one ever bitches that a comedy show is too short. Yes. Like, yeah, you'd be so surprised at where the number is. Like, you could watch if you listed out your 10 favorite standup comics, gave them eight minutes each at the eighth person. You'd be tired of standup. It's like just bangers. Yeah. And I'm talking all bangers. Do you know who Paula Poundstone is? Killer. Yeah.

If you have never watched a woman in a suit roast cats, get involved. Okay, so what do you think of that, Courtney? You feel all right about this? Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is your opportunity to talk to a couple of comics. This is how we would do it.

I think as you get closer to the event, you're going to be able to come up with some stuff. But, you know, make sure that you know who is OK getting roasted and then get some of the jokes in and start writing some jokes for the mother right now. OK. Yep. That makes sense. Thank you so much. All right. Let us know how it goes. And if you want, send us some of the jokes and we could take a look at it.

That would be awesome. I'd appreciate that. Courtney, good luck. I hope me and Gareth didn't completely talk you out of it, although low-key, maybe. I hope we did. Yeah. Remember, it's a roast, not a funeral. All right, Courtney. Good luck. Thank you so much. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.