126: Shirt Title Merch Business with Catherine Reitman
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And we are back.

Jake. Yes. We're back. Yes. We're blasting through stuff today. We are laying down, as they say, pipe. Is that right? Is that what we're doing? When you're doing a lot of work at once, it's called you're laying pipe, brother. Okay. All right. That's what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah. We're laying a bunch of pipe today. Quick question for the guys. What's your favorite...

thing of currency a one a five a ten a twenty a fifty a hundo easy i got it right away two a two dollar you love a two dollar bill two dollars there's such a gareth response if i get it if i see a two yeah i'm like uh yeah they were like the best they were cool and even have one in my wallet

Yeah, when I like when I'll sell merch, like if someone comes up with twos, I'm like, they count as threes. Don't even that's you don't. That's three dollars to me. That's as weird as it gets because you're making math harder for them and you. Nobody wins when you hang out with me. You know, you should do you should have a piece of merch that's like a pin or something that's two bucks and you can only get it if you got a two dollar bill. Oh, that's pretty good. You travel around with like a suitcase full of merch.

Well, I drive. When I drive, I take a shitload of stuff. You do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then after the show, Luke will put out all this stuff, and he makes all this stuff, but it is truly insane. After the show, the van looks problematic. I bet.

Kevin, favorite currency? I'm leaning five, but I probably would say 10. I feel confident when I have a 10. I'm going to get like 90% of what I need with a 10. That's a very Kevin answer. Now, Jake, stay on brand. 50. Interesting. 100%, but not even a question. Yeah. If I'm getting a bunch of cash to go somewhere in Vegas, I always ask for 50s. I hate the Hondos. If I'm going to the cashier at the casino...

You know, you're cashing in. I go, can I get it in 50s? What's it like to make money when gambling? I don't know. I'm talking about when I was like, if you go somewhere and you have 100, I still like I'll still be like, is this OK? Most places now are like, yeah, buddy, it's not like 19. Yeah, we can take 100. You are aging us 100 percent. I do that.

I do that. Do you get changed for $100? I'm so sorry to ruin your Saturday. My dad, when I was growing up, whenever we'd have Christmas or a birthday, the gift would be we'd go to his condo and he would hide a $100 bill around the house. This is awesome. And getting a C-note just being like, in 1985, I'd be like, I can go to Sharper Image and buy something. Everything. Who's aging who? No, one thing.

You go to Sharp, even back in the day, I could be like, dude, I'm at Sharp Rimage. And I'd be walking around my scene and be like, I can't get anything. That basketball hoop costs $350. It's 1986. You'd look at like a weird globe and they'd be like, that's $4,000. What does it do? Massage you? And they're like, of course. Yeah, it does everything. It's a lighter. I loved, loved massage chairs.

I love massage chairs. The sharper image, I was like, this is what every store should be. One of the coolest shops to ever exist. Yeah, those mall days, that was something fierce. Hold on, Jake. I do want to promote some stand-up dates. Also, I want to remind everyone, follow me at ReynoldsGareth on Instagram for all the shows and stuff like that. Go to GarethReynolds.com for all of these. I will be in Portland on November 1st through November 3rd. I will be in Eugene, Oregon, November 4th, November 5th, Bend, Oregon.

Seattle, November 6th. Two shows. Vancouver, November 7th. Then December 6th, I'll be in Burbank, California. December 27th and 28th, Philadelphia. And 29th, look at that. And then I'll be in Austin, Texas for New Year's Eve. Go to garethrownells.com. Also, I have a new crowd work special. You can go check that out. You can go to the All Things Comedy YouTube page and check that out for me. Now I'm done. Without further ado...

Hello. Hi, welcome. Kat, do you want to do the intro? Do you feel up to that? I don't know, but I'll try. I hear a... Hi there, caller. What's your name? Hello. Let's call me Sarah. Very confusing for us. Sarah, where are you calling from? Good. Sorry, I was hoping to stay a little bit anonymous. I'm calling from South Texas. Cool. Cool.

And do you have anything you'd like to discuss, a problem, something you need advice with? You're on with Kat Reitman and Jake and Gareth, just so you know. Go ahead, Sarah. Oh, okay. So my problem is I go to a dance class at my gym and it's super fun, high energy. The instructor keeps it really fun. We have a great time. She will, the instructor will sometimes come out into like where the students are or a

or participants and kind of dance with us for a few counts and for instance if i snake to the right she snakes to the left so it's just fun and we have a great time there is one other participant in the group in the class who shows up seldomly but when they do show up they're kind of like a heckler from the back where they're like they'll just yell out random things like oh that's my favorite song or who sings that again and it's kind of awkward

But the biggest problem is, is that she will try to do what the instructor does and dance with us. Well, actually, mostly me. So she'll get behind me and try to do what the instructor does. But like I said earlier, she doesn't come that often, so she doesn't know the moves as well. And so she messes up, and then I mess up, and it's a total mess. Oh, my God.

And at the end, I was so happy to have this problem because I thought it would be perfect for this show. Sarah, you're this is perfection for me. What's the problem, though? What do you want? What do you want advice on? You want to stop this action?

Okay, so, yes. This person is a nice person. And I feel like I'm relatively nice, too. So, my problem is, how do I get out of dancing with her without being mean? You know how I know you're nice?

You made this, you came up with a fake name because you don't want this weirdo to get their feelings hurt. Yeah, like the idea that this person is going to make that connection. Kat, will you recap this one? Avec plaisir. For our Francophones, that's with pleasure. So our friend Sarah, not her real name, goes to an exciting dance class where the teacher comes and dances with the students to get them, you know, up and at them.

But there is a amateur in the background who continues to mirror the teacher, dancing with our caller and making her uncomfortable. I just want a little bit of follow up. Like, does she put her hands on you? Is it more like, yeah, girl, get it? What kind of energy is she giving to you? You said she's nice, but can you be a little more descriptive?

Yeah, it's too much. I don't know this person well enough, but it's almost like she doesn't realize that. She doesn't put her hands on me. I don't.

To my recollection. Is she having the time of her life, though? She's loving it. She's into it. Yeah. I mean, we all are. It's fun, right? We're all in our 40s and 50s. We don't have to go to the club when we still get to dance. Sarah, is it just you or is it everybody? Oh, that's a great question. So I thought, yeah. So I thought I felt like it was just me. And I thought, oh, it's probably just me being insecure. But I was talking to some ladies.

on Tuesday a couple days ago and they were like, no, it is always you. And we avoid eye contact with her when we see her walking up because we don't want it to be us. So I'm basically like taking it for the team. It's just you. That's such a weird ring. And she'll also want to high five at the end.

And guys, it's not, it's not good. Like it's nothing to high five about. It's bad. Like it's embarrassing because we mess up. She messes up and it's not a high fiveable. Sarah, do you think there's, do you think there's romance in her eyes? Here we go. Right. Because I'll tell you what you said. No, Sarah.

hmm no no no there's no romance no so why why do you think she's married i'm married okay sarah step outside of yourself pretend you're writing this in a story why did she pick you i think maybe it's the placement where she stands um in her vicinity but i'm also i've been told that i'm too nice but it's still crazy how many people are in the class

Oh, anywhere between like 15 to 25, depending on the day. Out of 25 people to hone in on one person all the time is very strange. Stand behind her, dance with her, hands kind of on hips. Did I add that or is that real? I like it. I mean...

Kind of motioning that way, but not actually touching me. Okay, but she does the moves right behind you as if you guys are dance partners. Kind of like the teaching somebody how to play pool. Very packed, swayze. Very swayze. Dirty dancing. It's just letting you know, like, I got you, girl. We're going to do these moves, and all you need to do is be free and fly right now.

Come back in my car. Let's get some fucking Chardonnay and talk about our problems. Yeah. Okay. That might be part of this. I'm a therapist and she knows that. I don't think so. I don't know if that's it. I don't think she's going to get to therapy through dancing behind you.

Unless you start doing therapy while she's doing it and just be like, tell me about your childhood. What's going on? That could make it way worse. And that's what I'm here for. Sarah, you said that she asked you. She knows you're a therapist. So you guys have had conversations. You've gotten to know each other a little bit. People will share stuff with me because they know that. Right. And I'm fine with it. It's OK. I'm good with boundaries. I just mean, you've had extended conversations with her where you've gotten to know each other a little bit.

That's interesting. No. A little bit. Like, we'll talk about our kids. I got a question, Sarah. While you're dancing, can we just call her Swayze? Yes. While Swayze's behind you and you're dancing, does she ever talk in your ear? She's giggling and laughing and going, yeah, like cheering on. But there's no like back and forth.

No, it's the weird... The end of the word. But after class, you high-five. There's no, like, in the locker room, she stands by you, puts her leg up, so she's got that power position on you while you're sitting. What the hell? Sorry. I was fantasizing, Kat. I know. Hey, can you guys please leave the Zoom? Now we went from dirty dancing to ghost. This is going to be a one-on-one story.

Well, this is Gareth. Let me guess. You're like, why don't you hire? No, Gareth is going to say, why don't I show up to class? I like, by the way, I like to dance with her behind her. I don't hate the new wrinkle of guess my pitch.

And it's always like, why don't you pretend six degrees of strangers? Why don't you just speak to her directly? You're a therapist. This feels like it should be right up your alley. Wear a dog outfit. I don't know, Kat. Why? Because she's saying to a woman in a dance class, all Swayze's doing is being excited. So she's going to really dampen her light. She's going to say, hey, could you not dance behind me? I think it is delicate because, okay.

Sorry, real quick. Is there like a version of it where you're like, you know, I'm doing my best to follow these dance moves and I get so distracted when you come. I love how joyous you are, but I get really distracted when you dance behind me. Is there any way you could like give me a little bit of space so I could find my footing? Would you say during the dance or would you say that before? I would say you would maybe after it happens so you can be like, hey, you know what happened today? After I got kind of lost. Maybe or maybe you get off your feet.

Maybe during it, you do a shorter version where you're just like, sorry, that's throwing me off a little bit. Yeah, get out, get out. Like in the middle of it. And then, yeah. And then hit her. And then hit her, obviously. And then I'll show up. I'll dance behind her. I'm already there, by the way. Yeah, for sure. So why don't you do that behind me when I'm doing it, Jake? And then we'll do like six emails with him, and then you'll go like, I'm not going there. Oh, shit.

What are you nuts? It's a dance class in South Texas. I have 15 emails to write back about vocal coach lessons. I have some other weird pitches for you, Sarah, which I think are important to get out there. I've got one that I think is going to work after. Okay. But go ahead, Gary. Here's my first one.

How many are there? There's a few. My first one is whenever she grabs you, go to the bathroom. Just start to make it so she's got to find a new target. I encourage everyone to go watch Kat react to my pitches. But you're talking about like the touch triggers something in Sarah Lee. Yes. Okay. So she goes like, oh.

So you're avoiding the first. The second she touches you, you're gone. Yes. That's my first. Which is awkward. It's awkward. I would go a lot. But she's conscious. Yes, it may be. It will. My other one is you need a third party for my last two pitches. My first one. Are you willing to do it, Gareth? My first one is... I'm open. My first one is...

Have someone else in the class who you're friends with beat her to the punch. So alert someone in the class and be like, every time you see her going in for the kill,

Just you go up and do what she does to me. But almost like you're now in that role. That's going to encourage her. Now it's a free for all. It might just turn the class into crazy town. And the other pitch is, well, we might have to fight. It's like James Brown said, I don't know karate, but I know crazy. Gareth, tell me this is the last one. I want more because it seems to be frustrating you in a great way. The last one is have someone else do it to her.

So you tell this third party. Or how about this, Gareth? You would love that. But yeah, she'll get, she'll love it. Then I got something, I got something pretty easy and it's a trick I did in a hot yoga class. I tried. I don't like being touched by instructors when it's really hot and sweaty. And when they say at the beginning, if you don't want to be touched, raise your hand. Well, I did the hand raise. I was the only person raising the hand and I was still touched.

Stop. Yeah. My form's that bad. I'm moving around like an old man in there. And this lady just pushed my neck down a little bit. And I just, I felt her sweat on me. It grossed me out. You know what I did, Sarah? You know how I fixed it? I went to the back row right near the wall in the corner. So her big body couldn't get between my ass and the wall. Yeah. I kind of thought you guys were going to recommend me moving. The problem is

We're all kind of territorial with our spots. We've been doing this for years. And when, and when I don't get that spot and I'm in the back, I kind of phone it in. I don't really work out as hard as when I'm in my spot. Sarah, Sarah, come on. You should compromise your joy in your class. Yeah, but stop for this crazy lady. Stop it. Stop it. I got two more. I got two more cat.

Stop it with that. You won't move your spot. Go file for taxes in the middle of the class and then phone call her in. Go ahead, Gareth. Keep going, Jake. You got more? I got a couple weird ones. Let's hear it. Okay. I think there's something... There's always a couple. Where I thought you were going, Jake, was...

There is something to the idea if you tell the instructor, can you make an announcement and be like, if you don't want me to touch you during the class, raise your hand and you put your hand up there. So you're setting a boundary with the instructor for right now that sort of also sends a message to this other person that,

I'm not into being touched. You know, you could do it in a way where you're like just to the instructor, just be like, hey, look, this is nothing about you, but I don't want to create any fucking bullshit here. I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but.

I have been touched by someone else in the class. It's all good. It's nothing crazy. But can you make an announcement where you just say, some people don't like it when you touch them to adjust. So I want to be respectful of that. So if you don't want me to put hands on you during the class to change what you're doing, no problem. Just raise your hand now and just put your hand up. And then that sends a message to this person. Don't touch me. Can you be a more direct version of Gareth's where it's just, hey,

hey, this isn't personal to anybody, but could you just say, could everyone stay on their lane? Can everyone, it's, you know, it's very hard for me to teach this class if everyone's sort of, you know, it can't be afraid for all. You're not needed. You guys, you're needing the third person involved. I want to keep this on Sarah. I got it. I got one that does that as an option. Sarah, the next time she does it, fake that your knee got hurt. Okay. And so she's like a just, she's doing her thing and then be like, ooh.

And then be like, and then just take a minute and be like, sorry, sorry, that something in my knee just tweaked. Go off to the side for a minute. Next class, you show up with a knee brace on for like two classes. If she gets near you, you now have a reason to be like, sorry, my knee's still a little weird. You know what? You know what I would consider doing, Sarah?

And I know you don't want to move spots and you don't want to do anything. And Kat said, you don't have to change anything. Well, you do have to change. It's a good impression. Because now you're in a situation that's not working. So here's what I would say you do. When she gets behind you, do a 180 and face her. So you're making direct eye contact with her. She's making direct eye contact with you. And you're not moving very much.

So if she gets behind you and she's like, oh yeah, girl, you do a 180 and stop. So now your sweaty body and her sweaty body, don't move. Okay. And you know what's going to happen? And we want her to feel awkward? Move away. Kiss you? No, move away because this shit ain't working. If you go to teach somebody pool and you get behind them and they face you and go, huh?

Right. You go like this. Sorry. Sorry. I just thought you didn't know how to hit that. And they go like, no, I know how to hit. And you go, well, if you're playing along and you're sitting there going like, I don't want them to teach me, but I let them. She might think Sarah and I have a great thing. She loves when I help her. She's excited. I'm excited. She's one of the sweetest ladies in the class. And we have her whole family could be like, oh my God, did you dance with Sarah? She might think she needs me too. She's not the best dancer.

I like that. It's not bad advice, but Sarah, you keep going on about how you're so nice. Can you do something like that? You think you can turn around and stand your ground, not say a thing, not make her feel okay? I probably would start laughing. But by the way, it's okay. Okay. As long as you're not dancing and she's not dancing, whenever she gets behind you, you one idiot and you stop the dance. You guys are there to dance, not stare at each other.

What do you hate about this? I got one more. You will like it. I got one more. Oh, she will like it. Okay. You think it's going to get a sander? Yeah, like you'll be like, oh, we have a connect. I don't know. Kat's going to hate this one. Probably. And that might be where it's coming from. Two words. Brown stains. Put brown stains all over the back of whatever you're wearing. And like mud, just...

Just so that this person's like, I can't touch her. Like, tell the other people in your class who you're friends with you're using this tactic.

And just on the back of whatever sweats you're wearing, have just what look like fresh brown marks, just like you rolled in the fresh manure. So, Sarah, we've given you a bunch of options. Some feel real, some don't. That one's real. No, it isn't. It is, too. But what do you think you're going to do? Because what I've got from you on this call is,

You don't want to change very much, but you don't like it happening. And I think you got to rip the bandaid off. But what are you going to do? So I think because I don't want to egg her on and I don't want to play along. Probably the knee brace could be good. And what's the knee brace going to do, Sarah?

Well, it gives me an excuse for later, I guess, to be like, oh, my knee hurts when she starts to dance with me. Oh, so you're going to dance like regular with a knee brace. When she gets behind you, you're going to take the song off because your knee hurts. Yeah. Or even just stop her and be like, no, my knee. By the way, I think that works. Now, how long are you going to commit to the knee brace?

Yeah, how many? The classes are twice a week. Well, your brace comes off in two weeks. Yeah, two, three weeks, but you're still healing. You have a meniscal sprain. Okay.

So you're basically just saying whenever she gets behind you, it's stop. Stop my knee. My knee. Which I don't hate. She's going to be on you the second that thing is off. And you bring it back on. Then you tweak it. Then you go, oh, no, it tweaked a little. But the idea of it, which I like, is you are stopping her because of an issue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's confrontational in a weird way. It's confrontational. Sort of. I think it's I think that's a good that's you have a scapegoat. Yeah, I can blame my knee. Yeah. Are you going to are you going to actually do this? I'm going to actually do it. We want a picture of the knee with the brace on and we want an update. Are you going to do this next class?

Next class is going to be in like four days. Yeah, I can do it. Let's do that and update us on how that goes. Okay.

Don't be afraid. And remember, don't just wear it and just stand there and be like, oh, now she's touched. Just you've got to be like, sorry, I tweaked my knee. So I've got to be careful. Could you not be so close to me? I'm afraid of hurting my knee worse. Yeah. You've got to let her know that she's part of the issue with your knee. Boundary, please. Or that you're being very careful on your knee from now on. You could also make the announcement before the class starts.

Yeah, I'm sure people will notice. Oh, you have a knee brace on. What happened? My knees a little bit janky. Could everybody give me a little bit space when I dance? I'm not feeling 100 percent confident. OK, I think you could pull it off with a without that. But if that happens, if she does not stop, then I'd say next class, maybe you do something like that.

Do the announcement. Yeah. Like I think like whatever. Like, yeah, I think I think that would be enough to just make her fuck off. And honestly, what you're kind of hoping for in a way is she finds a new target. Right. Yeah. I got to throw someone else to the. Here's another idea. If you don't want to because the find a new target, I find really interesting because none of these other women have your back.

She gets behind you, starts dancing. You get behind somebody else like the Macarena thing. So now you're both behind somebody else. You're going to get a conga line. But then you're getting her right next to you. So bring her so she's not behind you. You guys are together and you're essentially passing her on.

This woman, I now know why we're fudging your name because of this woman. We are passing her like smallpox. But what you're trying to do is you're just trying to get it not on you. Yeah, I agree. This is a virus. So put the virus. Look, none of these women have your back. She's a parasite. So she gets behind you.

You take her to the next lady. You both get behind her. Put your hand on Swayze's back. Push her a little forward. Go back to your spot. Right. Okay. That's the bullfighter. I say start with the knee. If the knee doesn't work, do the bullfighter. I agree.

Okay. And worst case scenario, say something to the teacher and then, you know, it's off your hands. Yep. You got a few tactics, but slow clam, start with the knee. Let's get a picture and let us know how it goes after two classes. Good luck. Thank you guys. I love the show. Go get them, Sarah. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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I think you look like a 90s boy band member. Hello. You look like you're in 98 degrees. Stop talking. Hi there. Welcome. Shut up, Jake. 97 degrees. Shut up, Kevin. You do know you look like you're from Florida these days. Hi there. Welcome to the show. We're here to help. Hi. Hello. Thank you. Not Milwaukee, which is the truth. Shut up, Jake.

We are excited to help you. Can we get your name and where you're calling from and how old you'll be in 10 years, please? My name is Claire. I'm calling from Denver and I'll be 40 years old in Denver. Before we start, I want to shout out Claire. Claire was in the middle of an event right now and popped out for this call, which was very cool and nice. Claire, what's the event?

Thank you so much. My little sister is getting married and it's her welcome party. So I'm a couple drinks in. Fun. Oh, yeah. The welcome party. You can pop out. You can pop out of that. It is a welcome party. And my sister is sitting right next to me. So shout out. Congrats. Congrats. What's up? Congrats. Claire, how many drinks in are you? I'm going to go with three. OK. Yeah, I was going to say it sounds like there's been a little loose juice cooking back there. I'm good. Yeah. The altitude.

Yeah, I'm a shark. Claire, what's up? What's the problem today? Okay, so... I mean, when he said that, it's just... All he ate was Gardettos and he was eight old-fashioned steaks and just way on Mike. I'm a shark. All right. Sorry, Claire. What's up?

Okay, so I live in a very mid-century modern home in Denver. My friend owns this home, and she has been dreaming of hosting a Mad Men themed party. So we have decided to host a Mad Men murder mystery party in two weeks, and...

One, I need help planning the murder. And two, I have never seen Mad Men. I love it. Neither have I. Me either. We're the perfect people to be. Here's what I know about it. Suits, cigarettes, cool vibes, Jon Hamm. It worked in advertising. Elizabeth Moss. A lot of like, and the meme, the social media meme where it's,

It doesn't matter how you feel. I pay you. That means you're doing a good job. That's what the money's for. That's what the money's for. I like how far away you are from that meme, Jake. I'll pay you. I'll pay you. You'll get a salary. You're doing real good. Maybe some benefits. I'll pay you. Gareth, that's me on set.

The line is, that's why I pay you. It's where money comes from. Money's made of trees. Claire, you're looking for a madman-styled

party, but you've never seen the show and you need a murder in the middle. Well, first of all, we know the attire and it is a, you're either, you're either in a suit or you're in a dress. And if you're not in either of those, get the fuck out. Am I right or wrong? Gareth? No, I think you're right. But Gareth, what do you think? I think we're all right. I think everybody's right. Yep. I'm a shark. So, but Claire, so for starters, a hundred percent, it is a costume party. Yes. Well, okay. I agree. What kind of dresses though?

look at the show okay i'm 60s claire i'll be honest 60s claire you've done a shocking small amount of research for this part i mean jake and i are gonna pitch we're gonna get there but it feels like someone just told you what madman is okay so you've seen it so you know more than any of us let me pitch you who claire is let me pitch you go ahead go ahead five

Her sister's getting married. Her family's there and she goes, I'm calling into a podcast. Claire, you're one of the good ones. And I hope tonight you just let it fucking rip at that party. She's only getting married once. Blow it up. Mad Men style. Yeah. So Claire, what we know about the show is...

60s suits, 60s dresses. The guy's got to be in skinny ties. Everybody needs a heater in their hand. Everybody's smoking. In order to get into the party, you need to bring a vintage glass. So like a 60s style glass. Because you don't want to pay for all this. Oh.

Oh, so their entrance in is their own 60s style glass. So everyone's got a cocktail in one hand and a heater in the other hand. What do we think of this as a start? And if you don't smoke, just walk around with an unlit cigarette. It's a good it's a good start. Absolutely. And I think you should probably assign people who they are. Right. When people walk in, should you not be telling these people who they are, like maybe six or seven of the people who

You got to be a big fan of the show. What if someone's like, you're Lenny? No, but you, I, what I would suggest is on a note card, you kind of come up with who the person is. Oh, for the murder mystery. Yeah. So you kind of go like, Hey, all right. Your, your name's Peggy, whatever you are. You are one of the secretaries. Uh, you're ambitious. You always have a wet lunch. Yeah. You're a martini. You love a martini at any times of the day and you'll do anything to get your way. Like,

That's interesting. Give some of these character types to a few people so that those are going to be our main suspects when someone's passed. Hey, Claire, so you want a murder mystery where it's like the whole game of it, yes? So Gareth is pretty much right on. Okay. And do you want everyone to play the game for a while? Yeah, so that's what we were thinking. Does everyone get a new role? Is it just certain people who are the suspects and the person who's killed? Or does everyone come in and I say, you are now...

Don't go. You know, here's what I would do. It's going to be a huge pain in the ass for you to pitch every character. So everyone gets to come in with their own character. I like that a lot. So they come in, they decide who they are. But, Gareth, they have to email it in advance. And I'll tell you why. Because you don't want people improvising at the door like guys like you and me. Who's your character? I'm the bacon salesman. And then they go, what else do you do? You go.

Me? I stacked all the bills and then I'm throwing off the party. Write a paragraph before. You, I agree. Me? You want me at that part. You know what I mean? I walk. It's different. It's not. Your character would just have like nine voices. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I just be like this. Come on. Don't do it. It's not relevant. It's not relevant to Claire. Okay. Jesus Christ. I do have a friend who will put on a Boston accent for the entire night, and I could guarantee it. Claire, don't drag me down to that level. What I was about to do was very high level stuff. I think Gareth is right, though. You said to everybody, create a character, have a whole backstory. And here's what you're going to do.

One of the people who you're just going to pick randomly is going to be the murderer. You're going to assign that person at the bar, their character. No beforehand. And you're going to go, hey, you're the murderer. It's got to be someone who, you know, can do this. Well, you're the murderer.

but you're this, you're this, you're this. Obviously, it's someone you don't expect. It could be an intern at the company, whatever, something like that. You're going to assign that person so you can connect them to the murder that we're going to figure out next. You know what? I would do a little differently on that. Go for it. I would connect it to a 70s key party.

And when you get to the place, there's an envelope that are closed. Everybody takes one. And one of them, when you get the envelope, says you're the murder. So only that person knows. But do we want to? But you're going to have to tie the clues of how people figure out how this person got murdered to the character type. So that means you would if you did that, you would then have to tell everybody what their character was, which is also a way to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. Claire, where are you at? Let's go to you for a little bit. What are you feeling? Claire, you're drunk. What do you think? I'm not drunk. No. I like all of this. You're right. It would be too much work to come up with names and backstories for everyone, so that saved me some time. Also, because I had written in it before planning this, well... Yeah.

I wrote in and then we started talking more about it. My friends did say he would be the murder and then come back as the, or not the murder, the murdered and come back as the twin brother detective. But what is the detect? So then the detective is kind of the host of the party is what you're saying.

Uh, yeah. Like he, he could like give some clues. I love this. Cause obviously he's going to know. I love this. So the party starts off, uh, we'll figure out how to get the characters. Everyone's hanging out in their cool outfits, drinking, smoking heaters.

All of a sudden you hear a bang. You go. He's on the floor. You all go in the other room. He runs in through the front door and goes, no, my brother's been murdered. And I'm a detective. Then once all the lights go off, he then starts the party right now. The murder mystery is beginning. That's what we're thinking.

Yes. Yeah. Like we're going to have a cocktail hour and then the murder happens at some point. And then the investigation begins. And so, and I think we've all agreed if you're in Claire, everybody has to come prepared with a character. Okay. So you don't want to do it there. The cocktail hour is you're talking as your character. And rather than my key party idea, I think somebody randomly gets emailed. You're the murder. Oh, okay.

So that they know. So during the cocktail party and you give it to somebody who, you know, isn't going to fucking blow it. Okay. Claire, I like that. Claire, you give it to yourself. It's it very easily could be you. It's you, Claire. It's always been you.

Claire, what you are pitching. It's too obvious, therefore it's not obvious at all. Yeah. It's Wally Shawn in the Princess Bride. But Claire was pitching, I think, that her friend is the one murdered. After everyone tries to solve it, that person comes back in at the end and is like, that was my brother and I murdered him. No, she said they came back as the detective. Oh.

Boy, I'll tell you what. These things are hard to plan. That would be a twist. That would be a twist. Is it Detective Kellum? Well, hold on. Is it Twin Brother Kellum? Hold on. So if he comes back at the end, then you're all doing Detective and you go, it was no one at the party. It was a new character, the murderer. And then you go, why did we spend an hour and a half looking at clues? So we could get drunk and eat finger foods. No, I think it's

Party, chatting, everybody comes in with their character. Everyone's asking questions. Bang, from another room, hit the circuit breaker. Lights go out, candles, flashlights. I like this. You go in there, boom, there's a body on the floor. You go when you see the body and everyone's in there, you scream. You go like, ah!

Everybody panics. You guys go to the other room. He comes out, he comes, the lights of the house go on. He comes in with an English accent. He is the detective. The twin brother just got in from London. Don't do it, Gareth. Uh,

and i said english accent just to get you mad i was like every hair on your body i know you're edging me is what you're doing so then he comes back my dog just licked my arm and i didn't know she was in here and it scared me to my core there's been a murder yeah ah the detective

from international schools. I understand that the dog has... Okay, go ahead. Getting licked when you're not expecting it. Wild. Shirt. Title merch. Shirt title merch business. New podcast. Own equity in it. So, Claire, what do you think about the setup? Dead body. He comes back to the front. Everybody's been emailed their characters. Where are we at to start?

Because if we're happy here, we can start building the case. So this is a yes. Yes, this is a yes. Okay. And then you need to know what the story of the murder and why. Right. And I want to like have enough sort of like clues that aren't really some murder. Yeah. Like red herrings. Well, Claire, it's a, it's a tale as old as time.

There was an overeager assistant who was working up through the ranks of the company, but a woman couldn't be doing these ads. It's a man's world.

Oh, I like this. One of the junior fucking junior goober guys started stealing all her work and taking credit for it as if he was doing it. So a group of these women together said, like, we know what you're doing, Troy. And he's like, you ladies are meant for typing on the typewriters and heating up my meatloaf. I'm pointing to my pants.

No, not eating meatloaf. I said, oh, eating. Actually, eating works. Okay, we're back. And then they say, if you take one more of Joyce's pitches and sell it, that'll be the last thing you ever do. Oh. And there's a big pitch on Friday for Nabisco.

And Troy pitches a pitch no one had heard of, except for the ladies in the secretary room. Sounds like the cops are already there. Yeah. And the next morning, at the party to celebrate the closing of the Nabisco deal, he gets murdered. Ooh.

Claire reaction. Claire. All you've done is make noises. Claire. I like the noise. I like everything. So, yes, that was the other thing we were trying to figure out is what are we having

having a party for it. And we're celebrating the Nabisco deal. The Nabisco deal, the new company got it, but here's the catch Claire. It was the women who came up for the pitch, but it was Troy who stole it, but it was the senior VP who closed the deal, but he's having an affair with the top secretary. You're going to need to listen back to this episode, Claire, but his wife is also at the party and the wife of the top VP is having an affair with Troy.

Okay. Because guess what Troy can't do? Keep his dick in his pants. He can't keep his meatloaf in the oven. He's always putting it in other people's ovens. Yeah. Not only women, Gareth, but also the men. See, it's the 60s, but Troy is fucking everybody. It's betrayal. Everybody wants Troy dead. You want to know why? Because he's got everybody's secrets.

Men want to be him, women want to be with him, and vice versa. So what do we think of that as your basic story?

I like it. Is Troy, did Troy die? Who died? Troy. And who killed it? Claire, for someone who liked the pitch, you should have known that. I agree. I know. Especially Claire with the reaction of, ooh, I like it. And then you go, so what are all these characters doing for work? Right.

So who's Troy and what's mad? And who am I talking to, please? Yes, I'll take a refill. I agree. I went a little weird at the end with sex. And I'll tell you why, Claire, because I'm trying to figure out other people who want to kill him because the first pitch was just the secretaries. But if he's having sex with the senior vice president's wife and the president, who's a guy.

Now, there's a few other people who want Troy six feet under. Okay. One more thing. The murder happened by who, Claire? Who killed Troy? Don't think, Claire. I don't know. Just, Claire, stop thinking. Oh, I'm just going to decide. I need you to take a big sip of your alcohol right now. Okay. Okay. And I don't want you to think. I just want you to speak. Who killed Troy? The secretary's husband. Oh, yes!

That's a perfect answer. Yeah, okay. Because guess what? He doesn't even work there. You know what he wears? Not a cool suit. What does he wear? A secretary's husband is a plumber. Okay. Okay. I think it's the secretary's husband who killed Troy.

And he killed him because he's tired of his wife not getting the credit because guess what? It's a man's world. And he's sick of that because his wife is the most talented person that he had ever met. That's why he married her with the idea that they were going to get to the top of the ad world and get out of the slums. He's not a plumber. He doesn't have a job.

Can I make a suggestion? When so when we solve this, why don't we make it look like this person got killed by a decanter getting smashed over their head? But when you have the English inspector there, he reveals that it was actually. Go ahead before he does the voice. No, it was. He reveals that it was suffocation. Ooh.

OK, but it's suffocation. But there are no fingerprints or markings around the neck anywhere. And if it was the secretary's husband who's a janitor, he eventually confesses and reveals or the inspector does that it was done with a plunger that he put over this guy's face and killed him that way. I like it. Wow. I like it. I get a wow from that. You were ooh and an ah two minutes ago. And I'm just going to. I'm speechless. Well, you also because you said janitor.

Well, yeah, but he's a janitor. He's got a plunger. Janitors walk around with plungers? They have access to plungers, Jake. I'm not going to have this argument right now. But did he take my plunger and my home to kill him? No, he's a... I mean, maybe, but he has access to these tools. Look, we're threading a very strange needle. So, Claire...

Will you walk us through what party you're hosting, what the story's about, what the murder is? This is going to be the best part of this episode. Go ahead, Claire. What just happened? Claire, don't let him psych you out. You know what it's about. Take it away. Okay. So we are celebrating the closing of the Nabisco deal. That was a woman's idea and a man's soul. The man...

I can't remember what we named him. Troy. Troy. The man is murdered by the husband of the secretary, whose best friends with the woman who, I don't know about the best friends thing, came up with the idea that Troy stole. So secretary went home to husband, complained about this guy, Troy. Husband pissed off that this guy doesn't respect women, killed him. Great.

Now, what are some things you could tell to other guests so it's not so obvious that people think somebody else killed Troy? What are some other things we got? It could be Troy just got a promotion and someone else was up for it. Ooh, love that. Okay. What else? Okay. What else is fun here?

oh god what about the sex title remember all the stuff with troy and the ladies and the guys go ahead oh yeah troy can't keep his dick in his pants yeah his meatloaf in the oven honey that's right and so yeah so all the ladies around the office

either love him or hate him yes well guess why they love him he's got the best dick in the tri-state area the best meatloaf and he's a piece of she's a piece of shit but he's fun in the sack but he's fun in the sack and he gets around he gets around and he knows what to do when he goes around and then he ghosts them

Of course he does. He's Troy. He's the worst guy on planet Earth. Okay, so Troy has done all this. All right, Claire. So then he's been murdered. We have an inspector, right? This guy comes in. He's your buddy. But she told the ending in the middle already. Yeah, I know. Oh. But yeah. Well, no, you asked me for more motive. Yeah, no, I know. I know. I know. You did great. Okay, okay. But I think it all checks out.

Yeah, so then we discover that Secretary's husband, who's a plumber, killed Troy with a plunger after breaking a...

the cancer over his head no what happened was we hear a decanter smash that's the sound effect you play we go in there there's glass on the floor next to the body we all assume that he got killed with the decanter but what the inspector will reveal later is that there's no blunt force trauma on the head so he was probably making himself a drink when he was killed another way he

He says, I don't know how he died, but it appears to be suffocation. But there's no markings around the neck, which is strange. But then the inspector has come up with the theory that the reason only way for someone to die from suffocation. Hold on, Gareth. Before you do that, everything there is right. The guy who dies when they find him on the floor, he's got the little he does the red thing.

You know, like if you get too much suction here, you create this. The right circles. It looks like he's been kissed. We think it's lipstick. That's great. But when the inspector sees that there are no markings around the neck, but he's sure it was suffocation, it leads him to think it had to be something done around his face and his nose. But who would have act? How would someone be able to take the oxygen out of someone else's lungs without leaving any fingerprints? Yeah.

And it goes like this. And then go. And it looks like somebody there with the it looks like somebody was pumping it up and down at least three to five times. Well, and we reveal that it was only the only person who could take the oxygen out of someone's lungs without leaving any markings around the neck or fingerprints would be a plumber. And then which is her husband. And he was upset because she slept with Troy. And he stole the idea for the Nabisco campaign.

Troy fucked everyone, Jake. Then the plumber does a final monologue. Yes. At the end of the episode. And he's Scottish. No, he isn't. No, he isn't. No, he isn't. Thank you for the call. Thank you for the call. But then he does his big final monologue and he tells why. And then Claire, at the final line, you start a slow clap. And can I say what Claire's final line is? What? And there's one more thing you should all know.

I've never even seen Mad Men. That's it. That's the final line. Claire, are you going to do this?

Absolutely. And Claire, here's what we'll do. We'll send you this audio so that you can figure out what the hell we're talking about. You're obviously just drunk at a bar. We're going to send you this audio so that you can figure out what we're talking about. It's great. This is going to good luck and let us know how it goes. And Claire, I will big, big congrats to your sister. Have a lot of fun at that wedding. And Claire, the meme Jake was talking about. It's called. See you later. Thank you so much. All right. Talk to you later. Bye.

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That's HelloAlma, A-L-M-A dot com slash here to help. Hello. Hi there. Hi. Can we have your name, please? Yeah, this is Sam. Sam. And Sam, where are you calling from and how old are you? I'm calling from Omaha, Nebraska, and I am just outside of 30.

Just outside of 30? Well, let that live. Explain what, just because of the really cool mystery there. What is outside of 30? Are you about 48 years old? Or are you about 19? I'm just outside of 30, personally. I'm outside of 20. That is the mystery that remains. No, I just turned 40, so...

You're the best. That is my favorite thing that's happened. To do it. What a great, like a little dork on my notepad. I wrote 30 at first. Yeah, me too. I fell for it right away.

Perfect. Then it's working. Yeah, you're working. Well, we're excited to hear your problem that might be fabricated a little bit. But why don't you tell us why you're calling, and we'll see what we can do for you. Okay. So I live in the Midwest, and I moved from Georgia to Nebraska. And so it's our first summer owning a home here. And basically what happened is that we let our grass grow.

grow so long i felt like i was living um on the little house in the prairie back here and so we um i don't know if you've ever mowed really thick grass without any accessories like the thing that shoots it off to the side or a bag you know so um ultimately it kept clogging up and dying and

to the point where I have to have my husband come out and start it because even though I think I'm super strong, I cannot actually get the mower to start sometimes. So I thought I'd reach out to you guys to see if you had any cheap, fun, and creative ways to solve this problem. I do. You do? Perfect. Well, just to be clear, the problem is how do you get the lawn trimmed without your husband's help or how do you get the lawn cleaned up?

How do you get the mower to not clog? How do you get the mower to not clog? By the way, you have called the right podcast. I mean, Jake and I... These are the big questions. These are the... We like to deal with the big ones. Life's the big ones. I thought you guys were here for the serious side of it. We're here for the good stuff, Sam, and this is the good stuff. So let me ask you a question. We're ready to party. Are you a woman who works out? If I said yes, let's just go down that path.

You are such a mystery. Why don't you just say, why don't you just say... This is the first call that you have utterly confused me, and I'm more intrigued by this call I've ever been in my life. I don't want it to end. The best way to put it would be, I'm just outside of joining a gym. Absolutely. You know, I may have the gym pass, I may go, but do I go inside? I don't know. No. Okay, so the reason I say that is...

My brother-in-law, my sister's husband, used to do a thing called dad workouts.

And he tried to create a thing where whenever you're doing something, if we were like all taking, you know, groceries in with the kids, he would go, let's see if you and I can carry all the bags and squat our way in. So from the car to the kitchen was a super weird workout that was also slash fun. So the thing I'm going to pitch to you is this.

You got some thick grass in that backyard. It's eating up your lawnmower. What a drag, right? Now you could just let it rip and have a back. You have a party backyard and who cares? But if you want it low,

Get yourself a machete. Now we've gone down. You've gone down the machete road. Well, I like to call it more of like, I think they're called like a site. Right. So it's like this thing that I talk about. I'm talking about machete.

No, a Zeist. It's a thing that looks like the Grim Reaper thing. Yes, okay. We're talking about the same thing. Okay. So we've also thought of a fire blaster, you know? Sure. But it's too wet. But hold on. So what happened when you got the Zeist? The machete didn't work? It doesn't. No, it takes a really long time because we live on...

quarter of an acre almost. Okay. You got a nice spot. Um, so, and then, you know, with the house on it. So with you, if you think about machete, like you have to have some taunt in it so that somebody can chop it. Otherwise I don't know. I know how to use a machete. All right, Jay. Calm down. All right. Chill out. Don't tell me to chill out. You chill out. Okay. Oh, we've also thought about goats. Yeah. That's what I was about to say. And what's the thought on that?

Well, I really enjoy the dad exercises. I feel like we need to close the loop on that and that I think my husband could really benefit from that.

As a takeaway, you wrote that down. I'm going to write that down for myself because I think that that's a great, great option. Okay. So the idea of dad workouts, but then what would he, because the reason I was going to say with the dad workouts, but I'm going to also put that on a mom workout. And if you don't have kids, then I'm going to put it on a Sam workout. And that is you grab that machete, put yourself in a, you know, a nice three quarter squat. So you're burning your thighs and just wow. Wow. Wow.

until you're dripping with sweat. And you might look up and go, I've gone four yards. But that was four yards you didn't have before. Go inside, get some lemonade, throw an iPod in your ear, and get back out there. Whack, whack, girl, get going. In a month and a half, it might be gone. I don't know how long it's taken. But what you're going to get out of it, Sam, is some mean-ass shoulders, some mean arms, some great Omaha sun, and you're going to rip those calves a little bit.

Yeah. Okay. Gareth is hating this, Sam, but I think you and I are bonded. I think that we're close to it, but I'm scared. Okay. Okay. I would be too. I would be too. Here's, it seems like you have a budget.

Seems like you're potentially buying a fire blaster. You're talking about getting sounds like multiple goats. But might I just pitch that you bring in someone to just do the first pass at this like a landscaper. And then you just maintain a lower level of the grass where it's not like trying to get through a jungle.

Okay. Shockingly good advice. That is, that is perfect advice. It differs on what, uh, on what we were thinking, which was go to home Depot, get a writing lawnmower, mow the lawn and then be like, Oh no, something broke. And then have home Depot come pick it back up. Yeah, they could be, but there could also be some, there could be fights and trouble on that. Do you think so? I do. Do you think home Depot would care about Sam from Omaha, Nebraska though?

I got to tell you, sometimes they do. You're not just dealing with corporate. If you happen to get one manager with a carrot up his ass and then all of a sudden you're like, well, it broke. And he goes, and then he, then you're sitting there with an $1,800 mower. You're never going to use again. I'm going to go. No, they're 2,500. That's what I mean. I mean, you're, you're a galaxy of hurt where now you have, you could have got a, you could have got an Oldsmobile for fuck's sake. I think Gareth is actually onto this. What about hiring a crew to come once a month?

You don't need it once a week, even if it gets going. And or if you just go, because if you're talking about you're in this, you know, it's kind of ruining the fun of your backyard. You're new to it. You don't need a once a week guy. No, you need to come once a month. And I guarantee somebody wants that job. And if you're on a real budget and you don't want to hire eight guys in a truck, put a sign up and get a couple of teenagers, a couple of 16 year olds who will go to paid me a hundred bucks cash.

I think in Omaha, you're going to find willing parties to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good suggestion. I think that, um, I guess if you guys think that it's better than getting a blowtorch or goat, I'm going to, I feel very confident that it is better than getting a blowtorch. You do. I do. Uh, what I think it's better than the blowtorch for sure. What do you think the reality is that you actually get in two goats? Um,

They're illegal in my county. Okay, so you can't do the goats. Are sheeps illegal? We can't even have chickens in our county. Understood. So, Sam, our advice to you on this one is coming from me, which I now think is wrong, is to turn it into a workout, grab a machete, and let it rip a little bit, but...

Gareth's advice, which I think is also right on this one, is to hire a crew, either professional or just neighborhood kids, like a babysitter, throw signs up and let somebody kind of come once a month to get this under control until you decide what you want to do with it. How we like to end this call is, is there anything you have heard on this that you think you might do? And if not, what do you think you're going to do to solve this problem?

I really, really think that I'll probably go with door number two. I feel like throwing up some signs and or finding someone with the proper tools would be the most effective way to handle it in the fastest method. Sam, good luck to you. We're on your team. Good luck, Sam.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

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All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.