125: 3 Year Deal with Hog Dogs
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It is, which is why I get it scheduled at the same time every week. You are. They have a great app. I'm never leaving the house. Very easy to use. And you do the vegan one. I do the vegan one. I get a few a week. Like I said, the

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Oh, we are back. You know what, Gareth? Jake, Kevin, go. I did this in one of the calls. Wow. You did.

Yeah. Oh, are those? That's from your movie. How good are these? How good are these fake teeth? You know, it's funny because I was wondering how they did that. You know what I also had? Did you wear those for the whole thing? Yeah, we were going to do. We were going to paint it out. And yeah, that's what I thought it was at one point. It was for self-reliance. We went through it all.

But these were the kind of best because then you still had to do in special effects and do it But it changes the way you talk. Yeah, I have a visit line does the same do you yeah, when'd you get a bit in the line? To take it out. Oh, right. That was what that was show me the teeth. I forgot that you got a tooth in there so Invisalign is just clear braces, right?

Basically, it's basically like a mouth guard, like a top and bottom mouth guard. But yeah, basically. And is your bottom tooth, did you get it drilled in or is it just part of the. No, they're just smushing together. They're the whole. Oh, the retainer is putting it together. My dentist showed me like four. She's nuts. And in a good way, she showed me like four war games versions of what my teeth could do. But she was like, but that won't work. Then she was basically like.

only thing we can do is take a tooth out. And then she showed me how that would work. And so basically they're all there. They've come together. Yeah. Yeah. I don't see a gap. It's crazy. The whole thing. See, people don't know English anymore. And it's further ado. Ado. Ado.

Hi. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name, your age, where you're calling from? And Jake's putting on my cool sunglasses, so let's do this. Sure, yeah. My name's Evelyn. I'm 27. I'm calling from Los Angeles. Okay, LA. What part? Currently outside my office, which is like mid-city. What do you do? I work in finance. It's...

Sounds like your heart's in it. Sort of complicated to explain. Okay, and you're outside, you're on a break, you sound nervous about taking a break, but that's the energy we love here. So what's going on, Evelyn? What can we help you with? Yeah, so the heart of my problem is that I can't stop joining rec softball teams. You continue to keep joining rec softball teams? How many leagues are you in currently?

I'm currently on three teams. Jesus. Wow. Okay. That's a full-time. How many days a week you playing softball? Three days a week right now. There's also some practice. Oh, three games a week. How many days a week are you devoting to softball in general? Three to four. Okay. Four days a week. And how did this begin?

Yeah, so I played like, growing up, moved out to LA, it was like, this would be a fun way to meet people. And I played co-ed. And so the thing is, like, because I'm a woman, most of the women who play like are just there for fun and aren't very good. Yeah.

But because I'm a woman who is like pretty good, I keep getting asked to join your team. I used to play in a co-ed league. You are a hot commodity. You're a get. Yeah. Yeah. So that's sort of how it started. I was playing one day a week. It was fun. I got asked to join another team and then it was fun. So I was like, okay. And then I got asked to join another team.

And I keep getting asked to like join teams. So this is a different problem. It's overtaking my life. So this is, I thought the problem was, was you keep joining teams and like you're finding them and joining them. And that call is going to say, you're a, you're a maniac. This is, that's what I thought. But this is, you are being asked and you got to learn how to say no enough is enough. Yeah.

Yeah, pretty much. So right now you're currently on three teams. You play three games a week. Ideally, each team would like to practice. So you're talking about every day of the week besides one. You're in some version of softball. Well, you're saying four days a week. So only one of the teams practices, right? Yeah, that's right. Okay. What are the three names of these teams you're on? RC Hitters, which stands for Really Cool Hitters. Great name. The Hot Dogs.

Terrible name. RC Hitters is still a good name. Okay. Third one. And House of the Dragon Sluggers, which is sponsored by HBO. Okay. No shame there. We're not going to disparage that team name. Of RC Hitters, Hot Dogs, and House of Dragons, who's the best team record-wise? Probably Hot Dogs. Hot Dogs. What a shame. If you were to drop one team, which one would you drop?

Which team do you not even like the players that much? It's not that much fun and it's a dog shit team. There's always one. Probably House of the Dragon. The one upside is with the HBO sponsorship, they keep giving me free gifts from HBO. Yeah, but what are the gifts? Like mugs and shirts? Yesterday, because I got MVP for the week or whatever, they gave me a

version of House of the Dragon Monopoly. Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Well, Jake and I are jaded on swag bags to some extent. When you're 27 and you're getting that stuff, it's way different than when you're in your mid-30s or 40s. We're talking about cutting a team. You're staying on for a Monopoly set. I get it. That thing's going to collect dust in your closet, and then you're going to move and go, I'm not moving this. What's the best thing you've gotten from the HBO team? A sweatshirt that says House of Dragons.

A beanie that says House of Dragons. Socks that say House of Dragons. All right. So to Jake's point, eventually you're just going to have all the House of Dragons swag. How big of a fan are you of House of Dragons? Are you a big fan?

I'm a fan, for sure. Not like I haven't read the books or anything. I haven't watched the show or anything. I've played the Monopoly. I'm a big Monopoly fan. So I've got a question about the three teams. Because I'm personally, I don't care about the swag for you. I mean, you're working in Mid-City. You're crushing it. You can buy a Monopoly set for $9 if you wanted it. Bree's nice, though. You know this. I agree. Now I'm torn. Is there anybody on any of these teams that you... It's so easy to tear up.

Anybody now, are you doing this for friends? You doing this for love interests? Oh, definitely for friends. Um, I'm engaged. My fiance plays on one of the teams. Okay. Which team is that? He's on RC hitters. Okay. So RC hitters is a stay. Okay. So this is a thing between you and your hub.

RC hitters is a win. So we have narrowed it down to hot dogs and house of dragons, correct? Yeah, I think that's right. I do also keep getting asked to join other teams. There's no more. No, you can't take on any other teams, at least not without dropping other teams. Yeah. But also in terms of how is your fiance?

In terms of a player? Yeah. Dog shit. We don't know that. Yeah. How is he? He didn't play baseball at all growing up. He's here for the fun. Okay. All right. Okay. Can I get a little credit for that? Yeah. He called it good stuff.

I agree. I think we have to just... Yeah, so sometimes, Evelyn, we come harsh with our advice because we're not pitching a bunch of ideas. So sometimes people call and they go, what's the problem? There's a clear solution, right? So this clear solution is, first of all, if anybody asks, we can give you a line of how you pass on it. I know how we pass. How? You just got injured.

It's too much stress on your body. So if somebody asks you to play, you just say... I don't know if that would work. How come? Just because what I found out is the West LA softball league, it runs pretty deep. I see a lot of the same people each of these days. I understand.

I got you. Okay. Well, you have an ace bandage on. Okay. I've got another thing you could say. You could say that one of the teams you're on just signed you to a three-year contract. I like that. And part of the cut, you could say like the hot dogs just signed me to a three-year deal. They have exclusivity with the hot dogs. And the hot dogs I've said in the contract. Look, and then you could go like, I know it's insane, but I'm getting a lot of free stuff from them. I get a lot of merch, but I can't join other teams at this time.

It's insane. But this is a league. It's a sports league. I don't hate it. But I first think what we've got to do

Number one thing is we got to shave some fat off of this, Evelyn. And I think it's House of Dragons. I think Hot Dogs is your best team. You like to win. You're a winner. Every year you play sports, not for the fun of it. You play sports to win. Am I right or wrong? You're right. You play to win the game. That's right. So RC hitters, you had the really cool hitters. You got to stay on because you're dragging that fiance with you to victory, but you're marrying him.

So you're buying that 200 hitter. Yeah. You're buying an air and a half a game. Yeah. But he's yours. You're stuck with it. You're buying a guy who doesn't know to tag up. All right. You're buying a guy who doesn't advance the runner. Hit it to the right side. Well, he can't. What do you want? I mean, he has as much skill as he has. He's not trying to suck. He didn't grow up playing. No, he didn't. So we got, in my eyes, we have RC hitters and we got hot dogs. Are you with us on this or no, Evelyn?

I think that's right. Also, despite the free swag, the vibes on House of the Dragon, there's a little whack. There was almost a fight yesterday. Now, could you, Evelyn, and you know this better than us, could you quit the team effective immediately or do you have to finish the season? No, you can quit. Good question. Probably, okay.

The only, I probably wouldn't need to finish the season. It's not that much longer. And the guy who recruited me to house the dragon is the umpire on my month on the RC hitters. Please. You're not getting any calls. It's just really tough. Yeah. Okay. It is very mob like. So it is. I don't want to take them off too much. No, no. So you're going to finish the season.

Yeah, I think Kevin's losing his mind over this. Evelyn, we're asking. We're trying to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, I think. So quitting it's going to be hard because you got the same umpire, yes? Right. Yeah, the captain is the umpire. Okay, and when does this season end?

Like a month from now. Okay. So no follow-up emails, no nothing. A month from now, you send an email. Hey guys, thanks so much for the great year. I'm not going to play again next year. I'm swamped. You don't even need to send that email right now.

I think you're right. Just finish it out, and you've learned your lesson. You can't take on so many goddamn teams. Yeah, and now you've got two. You've got the hot dogs, and you've got the RC hitters. The hot dogs is for your trophies, for your wins. The RC hitters is to keep your marriage happy, right? Yeah.

Okay, I'm on board with that. And then if in the future you want to make a switch, you have to drop one. You're a two cap. Exactly. But you are in a situation in your life you can only have two teams. Now, we're going to go through a little exercise here. Okay. Gareth is a...

manager of a new team. What's the name of your softball team, Gareth? We will be called the Big Dogs. And the dogs is spelled with a W. So the Big Dogs is the Roku sponsors you guys? Yeah, absolutely. We're Roku. What show is hot on Roku right now? Roku right now. We've got Card Shark. Card Shark. Okay. So now, Evelyn,

You just had a game where you went, let's say, two for four, a double, two solid gappers, and you play really solid defense. And after the game, you're approached by Gareth. No, no, no. Roy. Roy. You're approached by Roy. So, Evan, please take. Rat tail. Please, of course. You didn't have to say it. Front and back. Front and back rat tails. And short shorts. Short shorts. Yeah. Yeah.

So take this seriously. Cause I want to see how you would handle passing. Does that make sense? Thank you. Uh,

sounds of the field real gareth over there everybody get over there hey evelyn evelyn evelyn hey let's step away from the field it's annoying out there hey wow man i gotta tell you i don't know if you know about the big dogs but we are doing big dog stuff how you been look great out there

Thanks. Yeah, I appreciate it. I have heard about the big dogs, you guys. Well, of course you have. Reputations are big in this league, as you know. Everyone knows everybody. It's like a mini Hollywood. Listen, big dogs have a slot for a shortstop, which I think you'd be unbelievable for. I don't know if you heard, we...

Doing a lot of Roku stuff, so there's a lot of swag. MVPs get card shark swag, which we're pretty excited about. But we'd love to have you come play with us. Look, we are doing a practice on Tuesday. Games get a little intense, but I think you'll be able to step up to the pressure. Don't bring your husband, by the way. Talk about a dead weight. Maybe we can ask her what she thinks, yeah? We're in the middle of that. See you later, George. Hey, I'm Roy's brother. Bob, so Evelyn.

Hey, you want to join our team or not? What do you think here? I was about to get to it. I don't believe that. Why are you going to make field noises? Because that wasn't me. It was the actual field. Well, I don't know about that. Hey, man, sorry about my short shorts and my big old hog, man. What the hell? But, hey, all serious, everyone, you want to play or not? You're a fucking hell of a player. Unbelievable. We're a good team. We're a great team. What do you think here? Great team. Could be greater with you. Oh, guys, I really appreciate the offer. That's so nice.

nice of you to invite me. However, I'm just pretty swamped in general. I don't really have the time to join another team right now. You don't even need to practice. You just show up for the games. Yeah, you're one of those players. We don't even need that. You don't even need to be MVP to get card choice. Yeah, but you could also, if you want to just come on Tuesday, you want to just show up for the first game, see how it feels? See how it feels, yeah. Tuesday. That'd be great. I can't Tuesday. Yeah. I mean, last year we went 7-3, so do you want to just show up for Tuesday? Can we get your email, maybe?

uh it's funny because it's accurate of how this goes down uh yes of course you're a get we're out of character uh but guys i really appreciate it i really do but i just i can't do tuesday i want to try again evelyn and you know what i want to do english i want you to agreed i want i want you to be meaner and i want you to be not you don't have to be nice these are guys offering you something you don't want

You don't have to be charming. You don't have to be nice. The answer is no. You're not interested. Let's just see how that feels for you, okay? Okay, okay. So the game just ended. You went three for four. You had a single and two doubles. You played great. What position do you play, by the way? Third base. Third. Fucking power third. And where do you hit in the lineup? You had number two hitter and four hitter. You had like second. Of course you did. I fucking called that. That's fucking sweet. All right, here we go. We can really use you. Jake, what? We don't even... I fucking said... She hits number two in the lineup? We don't even have a team.

Hey, Evelyn, do you want to be on the We're Here to Help team? Jake. I'll get your fucking swag. Jake. She's our third baseman. Jake. And she hits number two. We don't have anyone.

We're starting with her. We build her up. No, we're solving the problem. Here we go. We're at the field. All right. I don't think I did hear the beginning. All right, Evelyn. Good to see you. Fucking lovely game, man. You really smashed that thing, haven't you? You took the skin right off it. Look, we're doing a bit of a league of our own. We're doing our own team. Liam.

Yeah, go on, Joel. What's happening? Oh, she's the one. That's the bird you're talking about. Don't call her a bird, mate. It's not great. Sorry. It didn't mean nothing by it. Yeah, he's gone to... He's my mate. He's gone to fucking international. Use the third baseman, yeah, hon? Yeah, Evelyn, look, look. Joel, shut up for a minute, obviously. Mate, you got some legs on you too. Joel, that's crazy. It's not okay. It's not good.

Sorry. Evelyn, sorry about him. We were just going to see if maybe you... Sparkling eyes. Stop it. We were just going to see if maybe you'd like to join up with us. We've got a hell of a team going. We're doing well. We're called the Soft-Boiled Hitters. Yeah, we're fucking pretty good. Yeah, we're pretty good. We've got good stuff, but we'd love to have you join. What's your email? Thanks for nothing.

Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. I think you could also go with the like, guys, I wish I could. I'm just such a commodity. You could do. I think. Great. Yeah. Great. I wish I could, but you guys just aren't that good. Ooh, I don't know. When you said thanks, but no thanks. I lit up. You lit up. A thanks, but no thanks. If I'm honestly, Evelyn, I'm going to try this again. Right. And now we're going to do this very real.

So all jokes aside, we are forming a We're Here to Help softball team. Yeah, it isn't a bad idea. And we're through HeadGum Studios, whatever. It's a bunch of different podcasts, but it is co-ed. Right now we have one of our producers, Anya. She plays, but I'm going to be honest, she's not very good. We'll cut this part out probably. But in truth, Evan, when you said you were a third baseman, and we could not put this in the show if you don't want, but we need to have three girls on our team.

Would you, would, would it be crazy call? I don't know if Kevin set this up. We have not started playing, but I am pretty competitive. Gareth is pretty content. And so is Kevin. We would like to win. We're playing a bunch of other goofy podcasts. I don't want to be fourth place in this league. We do not need you to practice, but we would love you on the team. If you're down to play.

But I can't. I'm just playing on, you know, two. I can't do any more softball. Yeah, but if you're losing one of those teams, if you cut the House of Dragons team. And if you want your fiance on, come with us and fuck the RC hitters. Like, we're going to be genuinely good. And we could actually win this league. And we, I mean, you're talking about swag. The fuck you want? I'll get you swag for my thing. You like what shows you like on TV? Like movies? Yeah.

I'll get you a dinosaur from Jurassic World. This is as good as the pitch gets. We understand that we were like, don't take on anymore, but this is actually the right fit. So, Evelyn, because we need a number two hitter, and we need a third baseman. So you want to join us? I just can't do it, guys. I appreciate it, but I can't. Yes, you can, Evelyn. So we need you one day a week. That's it. It's a nine-game season and playoffs. She works in Mid-City. Yeah, so you're not far.

I'm getting confused. We are genuinely asking if you would want to play on the podcast team we have formed over here at HeadGum. So do you want to do it? It's kind of a weird situation where we had the call. Wait, I'm confused. Is this real or is this practice? This is real. This is real. Wait, so when do you guys play? Tuesday nights. Like what time? I mean, normally. It's a 6 o'clock game and there's an 8.30 game. And it's kind of random? Yeah.

I would love to. Evelyn, no! No! Evelyn, no! You called in for a specific reason, young lady. You are addicted to saying yes to softball games. Well, I could drop two of my teams. I don't care how good the fucking offer is. You got enough softball games. Thanks, but no! No!

Evelyn! We did that to you because I've had a feeling you would break. The guy's going to say he's an umpire. They're going to keep pushing you. We did those terrible southern guys in English accents. Those were easy to say no to. Ugh.

Evan, you play enough. You're looking to cut down. This is as hard as the test is going to get. And you held very strong for a long time. She said no. Then she's like, I don't know. I'm sure. Yeah, I guess so. But the point is of that exercise is no matter what the offer for now, we're saying no.

Okay. No, that's right. Okay. It was a hard lesson, but that is as hard as it's going to get. So just stay strong. Thanks, but no thanks. But what is the premise of this call? She wants to... She's overwhelmed herself with softball. She's playing too much softball. Yes. So thanks, but no thanks.

but pass. Yes. Thanks, but no thanks. That's good advice. I appreciate the insights, guys. Bye. All right, everyone. Have fun playing softball. Say it again? I said I'll try to put them into practice. Yeah. Good luck. Not a lot of faith here. Good luck, folks. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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Pancake.

Hey, how's it going? Hey. Good. How you doing? I'm good. I'm good. Good. You're on with Jake and Gareth. How's it going, fellas? We doing good? Yeah. How are you? I think we're doing great. I'm good. I'm good. Happy to be here. Great. We're happy to have you. Do you mind telling us your name, your age, and where you're from? We like to do that to get started. Yeah, sure thing. My name is Andrew. I am 23 years old, and I am from Sweet Home, Alabama, right outside Montgomery.

Oh, I love it, man. Just actually talked to somebody from Alabama. So Andrew, uh, what's the call about my man? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm in a little bit of a pickle, you know, um, I got, well, have a,

I'll put this lightly. I got fired from my job. Sorry to hear that. No, it's okay. I wish it was for a cooler reason than what it was. I just wasn't very good at the job. By the way, Andrew, I'm going to be real with you, man. You're describing my early 20s. I got fired from a lot of jobs, and the reason was you're bad at this, and my response was I wish you were wrong. Yeah.

but I am bad at this and I'm not getting better. Yes. I really had like no argument to fight against the reasoning. So, but anyways, you know, so it was still kind of fresh about two to three days after. And I ran into my, um, my mom, my mom was in town. I lived in the same town as my sister. So she was visiting my sister and her kids. So I went over there to see my mom and she was just like, how's work going? And,

And, you know, it was still fresh, you know, two to three days after. So I wasn't really ready to tell her yet.

uh so i just lied and said you know it's going good uh okay all right i think we're all right i'm with andrew at this point just mom's here who cares not surprised not surprised how is it good everything's great okay yeah and uh six weeks have gone by now and they still think i have a job yep so yeah so i guess how do we how do we bring them that how do we

how do we break the news to them easy, you know, almost two months later.

you know, being unemployed. Yeah. So Andrew, we're going to ask some personal questions to kind of get backstory. Uh, you are, you are allowed to pass. Uh, we're just doing a goofy ass podcast. Okay. No, I love it. I love it. Big fans, by the way. Thank you, bud. Uh, so, uh, what was your job? If you don't want to name the actual place, just tell us kind of what you did. Yeah, sure. Thanks. So, uh,

I got this job right after I graduated from college. And it was actually a job with the college as a recruiter. Okay, understood. Okay.

I would go to different high schools and recruit for my alma mater. Okay, good job. And the money was pretty good? No. Interesting. Did your mother like that you had that job? Did she feel invested in any way in the fact that you had that job? I think she was just very invested in my life in general. Okay. So you got a good mom. Good mother, yeah. Yeah. So it was like straight out of college, first full-time adult job.

She was excited for me. And I did it for almost a year before I got canned. And why did they can you? So I've been canned before and there's always a reason besides your dog shit at your job. What was the reason they gave? So, like I said earlier, totally legitimate. There was a, there was like multiple events on a day.

that I had to be at. So I recruited. So like I said, I'm from Alabama, the schools in Alabama, but Florida was like my recruiting territory. So there were multiple events on a specific day that I had to be at in Florida. And I just honestly slept in and did not give myself enough time to get to Florida and the events on time. So they were like, yeah, man, we got to let you go.

Okay. When you say slept in, were you drinking and slept in or you just slept in and slept in?

No, dude, I was just an absolute idiot. I don't know. I genuinely don't know what happened. I'll tell you what happened, Andrew. You're 23 years old. You're growing. Yeah. Yeah. You're tired of growing. So you were going to, how often were you going to Florida? Oh, who cares? Well, how's that backstory? I'll let you know. How often were you going to Florida? Period? A lot, honestly. So probably like three or four times a week.

Your Honor, where are you going? But where are you going with this, Your Honor? Well, I'm just curious if you're lying to your mother about... How much often are these lies building upon lies? Are you making up trips to Florida? Are you... Objection! On what grounds? What is this about? He never said he lied to his mom about Florida. But is the lie growing? We're deep in the two-month lie now. Have...

Oh, I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're saying. Have you pretended to go to Florida? Yeah, because it feels like if you're lying about still having a job, you have to lie about additional baby lies. Have you done more lies, Andrew? Yes.

Interesting. But not about traveling. The Florida thing was what we like to call in this business a garroth, where it was a really weird tangent, but it actually was right. So the Florida thing was goofy, but the truth is we now know you have been lying more. The prosecution rests, but I'll still be talking. What else have you lied about, Andrew?

Oh, you know, it's just been a little small things. You know, like she'll give me a call and she can tell like I'm not at the office. I'll be at like my apartment or something. And she'll be like, why aren't you at work?

why aren't you at work? And I'm like, Oh, I'm on lunch or. Have you ever made any sort of noises to make it sound like you're at the office or working? I have intentionally gotten into the car to be like, Oh yeah, I'm leaving my apartment. I was on my lunch break. I'm headed back to the office now. Yeah. This is, this is where. Okay. I've got a question for you. What's your money situation, Andrew? I'm Nick Miller broke. Okay. I understand. So you,

How are you asking? You mean your security guard season seven, a.k.a. Brian Brooke? Yeah, we all know Brian. That's the shorthand. Exactly. Thank you. Thank you, Andrew, for acknowledging what Jake said. So, Andrew, are you are you able to pay your bills? Are you in a weird way needing to ask mom and dad for help?

Um, it has not gotten to the needing to ask for help point yet. I'm like currently in the interview process with another job. In terms of other gigs, why has it taken you six weeks? Where are you at? Because it is a very big company. They have like multiple facilities all across the country. It's completely different from the job I was doing before.

And they just like have a super intense HR process. Oh, so you're lining up a real job next. You're not doing like a transitionary in-between job. Yeah, no, I want to make this clear. I have learned my lesson. Oh, then I absolutely have advice for you. I do too. Go ahead, Jake. Don't say anything, Andrews. Loose lips sink ships.

Keep going forward. Get to the new job, Andrew. When you are established, say to your parents, hey, mom and dad, good news. I upgraded.

They go, what? And you go, I got a new job. And you go, why? And they go, because I learned as a young business person, there was no big upside in recruiting. And I wasn't taking that job seriously enough. Would you believe it, mom and dad? I slept through a Florida trip. But what I now am doing at my new job is taking it more seriously. And there is more upside. And they're going to go,

Andrew, you are growing up and you are really becoming an adult. And you go, I agree. Thank you so much. I love you guys. This is a huge win. Gareth.

I'm pretty close to that. I want to I'm going to give mine and you tell me if I'm highlighting a difference or maybe I misunderstood part of it. In everything he said is right. I think that's right. I think you get the new job. I will say in future, I think just be honest, because you probably now feel this added stress to your life that, you know, your parents would be supportive of. Your mother would probably be supportive and you don't have to be closing car doors talking about traffic when in reality you're just going upstairs to play Wii.

So I think learn that lesson. And then, yes, you land this next job. How far away do you think you are from having an answer on this next job? So my last interview was a week ago. So I'm hoping to hear by the end of this week or beginning of next. So hopefully it will all be. So you're right there. So I think Jake's right. Let's play this one out. If you don't land this job, I think it's probably time to come clean. If you do land this job, I think...

Take it. And I would still let your mother know there was a time in between when you didn't have the job. Was that in your advice, Jake? Yeah, but this is later. But this is... Yeah, so listen. Andrew, if you don't get this new job coming up, then you got to boogie and get another job. Okay? I don't care what it is. You can move boxes, you know? Be...

put a thing on craigslist that you're doing deliveries you just got to start making some money so that you are not out of work i'm a big believer that you know work makes work so you just got to kind of get started in terms of being honest i think sometimes the truth with these people like people like this with your mom is an important thing other times being a total honesty doesn't work i was a uh one job i got fired of when i first moved to la is i was a caterer

And I was catering a bar mitzvah and there was two DJs and they were such clowns. And I was, I started laughing and I, as I was serving the food, I was laughing because it was very funny. And some of the other, like the parents were laughing and some of the kids were laughing. And my boss came up to me and asked, why are you laughing? Are you laughing at those DJs? And the truth was, was yes.

But the answer I could have said was, no, the guests are just being so funny and charming and it's really fun. And then he would have laughed like he was catching up to it. But I tried to be honest and I said, yeah, I'm laughing at him. They're ridiculous. And he said, in the moment, give me your bow tie. And I was fired on the spot. It's 100% true story. You got cans for laughing at the DJs? I was laughing hard and I was not serving food while I was laughing. When I heard more. Look,

And I'd had a drink or two. And a bunch. What are the drinks? No, I had had a couple of drinks. It was on it. We were partying. It was fun. Anyhow, here's my advice to you, Andrew. Get the new job. Line it up. When you tell your mom and she's happy for you, the next big hang, then say, in funny story, I had been fired. This is long after you've won. Ah.

I'm saying just don't leave it as a lie forever. Yes, forever. I agree with that. At some point, make amends with it. But I think Jake's right. If you get this new job, I mean, obviously, as you know, things are fine. Things are better. If you don't, what do you think he does, Jake? Then I think you get another job. What does he tell his mother? Work's been hard.

I think you keep going into the car. He's still, he's still, he's still making paper shuffling noises. Yes. Until you, until Andrew, you line up your next gig.

I see that's where we split. I think you should say at that point, hey, I lost my job. I'm looking for something else. You have some time. I do think Jake's right. I mean, if you're running low on money, I mean, as people who work in the entertainment industry, the amount of times when you were pursuing the career you wanted while having the career you detested, you know, I mean, that's just kind of the way it works sometimes. So to get a little money in your pocket. So, Andrew, I got a question for you. If you were to tell your mom, let's say you don't get the job in a week.

Will you walk us through a little role play situation where you're talking to your mom and can you try to play both parts and can you try to make it as real as possible? Don't worry about being funny. We're just trying to get a sense of your mom. Okay. Mom, I got to tell you something. I'm not proud of it. Made a mistake, but.

Made a mistake with my work and it led to ultimately my supervisor having to make the decision to force me to resign. And then the tears would come and she wouldn't be able to talk for like probably 10 minutes. It would cry. And yeah, she would cry for sure. And then what would she say?

And then she would. Did you give us a little flavor of her? Cause I'm trying now that you said she's crying. I have a little bit better of a sense of her. Can you kind of do your impression of her as you answer after the tears? Okay. Thanks.

I think that's the terrifying part. I don't know. Okay. Well, look, here we go. Here we go. I think we're on the right path. I understand you can't embody her. The good thing is you got two guys who are on the show. New girl here. I will be your mother in this call. So make the call to me. I'll be your mother and we can play out what she would be like a little bit. And I think that's going to be very informative. Jake, I could tell by your face, you're signing off on this. So Andrew, I'm your mother. What's your mother's name?

Uh, Stacy. Well, if we're going to do this, uh, Andrew, what's your dad's name? Ted. Ted. Give me a little backstory on Ted. What does he do for a living? Ted is in economic development. And what does Ted think of you? I think he loves me. Yeah. Okay. But Andrew, does he like you? Cause there's a big difference between loving your kid and liking your kid. Of course he loves you. You're a lovable young man, but does he like your little ass?

Uh, sometimes. Okay. And he's not going to like you when you tell this news, is he? No, no, no, no. And so does, does your mom adore you? Uh, yeah. Does she think you're just pretty great, but maybe a little underachieving? So, yeah, I would say so. The conversation would probably go with the tears.

And she wouldn't be able to have the conversation for another 24 hours probably. So she would ship it over to Ted to talk about it. So here we are.

And I will say we both want to ask what economic development is, but we're not going to bother. So give the call. I'll give the call and let's just start the conversation. So this is 24 hours after the initial call because you cried. You couldn't do it. Well, he just said, if you listen, I know you want to hear state, I think from an acting standpoint, you just want to show you're crying, but that's not. Well, can we do a slice of it? Let's just do a quick.

moment of the first call. Andrew, give the call to Stacy super quick. Yeah, okay. Gareth just wants to show his range. Let him show his range. Hey, Mom. Who's Gareth? Hello? Yeah. Hey, what's going on? Andrew. Hey, Mom. Oh, it said your name on the caller ID, so I knew it was you. Hello? Yeah, yeah. That's how caller ID works. Exactly. So, I got a news that I've probably waited too long to share with you. What happened? I'm always here for you.

Yeah, so I... How have you been? Did you get the sneakers that I sent you? Yeah, I did. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Honey, let the boys speak. Ted, keep developing some economy. Your father, he's had a drink. It's a little early, but that's a story for another day. Hey, Drew, spit the beans here, son. What's going on? What do you got me and your mother doing? Your father wants you to spit the beans. I got fired. I got fired. I got fired. What do you mean? From what? Your job? Not your job. I...

Had to be in an event in Florida, and I missed it, so they fired me. Son of a... What? You missed an event, and your chump fired you? Hey, Drew, how'd you miss it? Sticking your goddamn head up your own ass? Oh, my God. Yes, sir. Oh, God, Ted, take the phone fully. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no. All right. You know what? Oh, God. Andrew, let us call you in 24 hours. Oh.

We'll talk to you soon. Okay. Sorry. Oh my God. Wow. That went tough. That's tough for you. 24 hours later. Hello. Your mother's got something she wants to say to you. Hello. Okay. Is this Andrew? Hey, Hey, Hey mom.

Stacy, please, for a little while. I'm not comfortable with the term mom right now. Oh, hey, Stacy. I just wanted to say that yesterday was quite traumatic, and I've had 24 hours on the dot to deal with it. And I just, I guess I'm hurt more than I'm angry at this point. And your father has spit the beans on me about what I should be feeling and doing. And I guess it's

Time for me to say, while it's been very tough to hear that you lost your job, we support you, right, Ted? Well, Andrew, I'm going to ask you this. What are you going to do now? Well, I applied to another job, and we've got some interviews in the work with the company, so we'll see how it goes. How do we know if that's even true, Ted? I mean, the boy just, he makes up things. All right, all right, all right. I'm sorry. You're right. I'm doing it again. All right. So what happens if that doesn't work? You're just going to be sniffing ass?

Um, no, no, I won't be, uh, sniffing ass. I will, uh, find something else, maybe something in between. And then, uh, you just call where you're looking for money.

Are you offering money? No. No, we're not. Okay. Okay. Okay. No, no. I wouldn't even think that. Nope. Send the sneakers I sent back. They don't fit Pippers. Okay. I will go to the post office right after this call and send back the sneakers. Now I've got to interrupt this because I do believe that was not helpful in the slightest. No, not at all. I disagree. No, hold on. I agree.

I found a lot of help in it. Do you feel as if that would, and you can be honest here, Andrew, you don't have to worry about the bit. Was that helpful at all?

It was helpful in the fact of it has further secured my fear and eventually letting them know what happened. So let's hope I get this job. Okay. So is there any truth to the level of reaction of your mother would be intense? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, probably. Or I could be completely wrong. Yeah. But that's your, so my advice to you is then for sure. Don't tell mom and dad. There's no upside. Yeah. Yeah.

After walking a little while in your mother's heels, which I just did, and I think it went great. I don't know why you two are sort of aligned on the fact that that was maybe a misstep. I think it went great. I now know how your mother feels. No, you don't. Absolutely. I've seen it from the other side. I've seen the view from the other side. I get it now. She's not going to take it well. Incredible. Yeah. I think

the move is, and again, this is going to be the advice I gave pre-call, pre-fake call, but I still think that call was very informative, but get the job, then you eventually lay it out a couple months from now, something like that. If you don't get the job,

make put some money in your pocket and keep looking you'll find something you're young it's gonna happen for sure i'll let them know if i get the job i'll let them know you know christmas when everybody's happy can i ask you one last time before we hang up and we're gonna have to go in a second

But could you now, you've seen Gareth commit to your mom. You've seen me commit to your dad. You've walked into it. Something I'm personally interested in is, you know, we're just bullshitting. We don't know, but this is your real family and this is a real issue for you.

Could you try to walk us through to the best of your ability? You might be wrong. We're not holding you to it. But what would happen if you talk to your mom and could you do your best version of your mom and your best version of your dad with you telling them and your guess of what they would say and the I don't knows and the ho-hums just cut those out and commit to it and see what happens. Do you mind trying that?

Oh, man. It's supposed to be hard, goddammit. That's why you called. We made it look easy, but it's hard. Yeah, y'all are real professionals. Oh, thanks. Okay. So just commit to it, and this is ridiculous, but I'm just trying to get a sense of what you think would happen before I could give any of the final pieces of advice. Yeah, okay. So...

I spilled the beans. I said I got fired. Then the waterworks would come. She'd be like, I can't, Ted. And then exactly kind of like how you...

laid it out and Jake, you'd be like, well, what, how could, how could you let this happen? What did you do? Uh, what are you going to do now? Just kind of like a grilling aspect of it, probably for like 10 minutes, like lay out your plans. How are you going to pay for rent? Stuff like that. And then it would genuinely probably, we wouldn't be able to have like a good

conversation about it, like me recognizing my mistakes to them, giving me good advice for another day or so. And then I think, honestly, I'm playing it like way too much in my head over and over for these past weeks, but they would honestly probably be very fair.

after the initial shock of me letting them know. And they'd probably give good advice after that. Sorry, I know you wanted me to act it out. No, Andrew, that was exactly what I was hoping for. What I will say is the nice thing, it seems like you got a nice family and you're lucky for that.

Uh, if, if you decide to tell them the truth, I think their advice would be helpful, but you've committed to the lie. So I would finish it out. If you do not get this new job and it doesn't happen, I think you got to tell mom and dad the truth because your parents might have some good advice to help you. If you do get the job, tell them the good news. You got the job and then tell them, uh, that you got fired. Yes.

OK, I think that's right. And there's and let me just say two things going forward. I would say next time. I mean, you've probably been pretty stressed out about the fact that you had this kind of lie going on. So next time, it's always better to try to pursue the path of honesty. That's the one for you. For us, I think we've kind of cracked a new way to operate with this show, which is the role. I got to say, Garth. Oh, yeah. I got to say, Garth, man, you know, I was against it.

I thought it was a total miss, but when he recapped it... Yeah, we were right! And also, he even said at one point, the mom said, like, he goes, Ted, and I was like, and you did throw that to me at one point, so...

I'm open to it. I'm open to it. People know Jake from acting. I am also available to act. But Andrew, it's not about me. It's not about me. You're just pissed in the well. I have a BFA in theater and that's not what it's about. You're pissing in the well. I understand.

Andrew, go forward with your lessons. And, you know, I can be direct to callbacks. And also, Andrew, do us a favor. Email the helpful pod at Gmail with what happened with the new job and where you're at, man. We would love to follow up with you. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you all. And I know who I will cast as my parents in my future biopic. Now you're talking. Thank you very much. All right.

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Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. Hello. You're on Jake and Gareth. Hi again. Can we could we. Hello, you. Now, let's let's end the hello portion and let's find out what your name is and your age and where you're calling from, please. My name is Maddie. I'm 23 and I'm calling from Raleigh, North Carolina.

Okay, Maddie. Well, you're on with Jake and Gareth. And why don't you tell us what's going on? What do you need us to help you with? Well, I've been in a situationship for the last four years. Very interesting start. Yeah. We've been super on and off throughout that whole thing. I guess that's what a situationship is. But we've been super on and off. He, like...

Semi cheated on me, kind of, but not really in the beginning of our relationship. And that had a whole plot thing. What does that mean exactly? Can you just kind of give us a little context into that, that he did cheat, but he didn't cheat? How does one pull that off?

Right. So, um, my best friend had a friend that I had previously met and he was sleeping with her. Um, and you know, I was talking to my friend about this guy and she was like, you know, my friend is sleeping with him right now. Right. And I'm like, what? No, he's single. And, um, yeah, he's,

He didn't know that the girl he was sleeping with and that her and I knew each other.

That sounds, were you, okay, well, we'll let him get away with that one. Sounds to me a little like cheating. Yeah, but it's like, we were like in the, that's why it's very borderline. He was kind of cheating, but not really. He was in the gray zone. Yeah, because it's like, you know, we're in the talking zone. We're kind of reaching that point of like, do we want to start dating and like kind of being exclusive? Like, you know, but it's like, you know, you still have the decency to tell me.

Of course. Okay, so why don't you... Well, first of all, can you give us his name? And you can even make up his name, but what should we call him? Let's call him Brian. Brian, okay. And, okay, get into a little more of what your question is or your direct problem, if you can. So...

all that stuff that I was just talking about, that was very beginning. And we've gone through a lot of trial and error since then. And I don't know what to do. It's been four years and I don't know if it's just time to let him go and move on to somebody else or if I should hold on to a shot with him because I do really like him. And if there is a shot with him, I want to

you know i want to see it through maddie uh you're 23 years old that's really young i would say if he says he wants to be friends let's trust him yeah if he's flirting with you well he might want to have sex again if he's being cagey it's because he wants to have sex with other people too and if you're holding on to something

I don't, I think if you really want to test it, go see what else there is to offer. If you meet somebody else and you like them, maybe Brian will come back and then you can compare and contrast. But you're saying you might want to hang on should you hang on. And he's telling you to get the fuck out of Dodge. So I don't think it's up to you. So he's saying he wants to be friends. When somebody says something like that, keep this shit simple.

Yeah. Move on and then let him come chase you. It's really like one of those things that you kind of learn through, like you said, trial and error, basically. Jake and I were young once too. It was the 80s. But, you know, there is something when you kind of fully pull back that maybe rattles him in a way where he'll kind of give you the version you deserve. Yeah.

But right now he's not. I mean, right now he's kind of a fuck boy. So, yeah, unfortunately, you're dealing with a fuck boy. And the only way to really deal with it is to sort of just be like any people have called you fuck boy in your life. Gareth, I want to I'll be honest. What's been annoying is how the uptick has happened in the last few years. It's really started to get deeper. You get into boys offensive. You are a man.

At your age, boy is offensive for you. I'm a fuck man, god damn it. I mean, how many times have you been called the fuck boy, Jake? That's the real question. Sadly, zero. Thank you, Maddie. And Maddie, I'll be honest. Maddie, I wish people called me a fuck boy. We want it. It's a compliment to us.

At this point, I would pay money. Yeah, I have paid. Jake, what a fuckboy. I've paid. I'm not going to lie. I've paid over $1,000 to be called a fuckboy online. You feel young. You feel like you're sexually vibrant again. It's awesome.

But what he's doing is he's just like, you cannot give the comp, you cannot give yourself this version of it and expect the best version. The thing for you to do, even if it's difficult, is to just be like, all right, I'm moving on. And that kind of means ignoring the flirting, ignoring the stopovers.

All that. You're 23. You've been in this since you were 19. You are going to be like, holy shit, there are much better situations out there. And I'm having so much fun in my goddamn 20s. So this podcast, we're on your team. We're not on Brian's team.

team right you called it so we're with you so 100 i would push you to see what else is out there if brian comes back he better come back with more of a commitment and be more real yeah that cagey shit that kind of flirting wanting to be so let him do it i don't understand young people who try to hold on to bullshit and create something that's not there and hurt each other if he wants to go do it let him do it he's not a bad person for wanting to date other people he's young

So I would say it's hard to move on until you've moved on. And then the new person is really fun. Yeah. Yeah. Take it from a fuck man. You're dealing with a fuck boy. You are. Take it from a fuck boy. You're dealing with a fuck boy. Yeah. You could maybe be fuck boy senior.

But I don't love that. I don't, I do not love that. I don't love that. I think it's fair to call you a fuck boy senior. You know how people have a kid and they name, they like, then their kids are junior and they become senior. You're a fuck boy senior. I am not comfortable with that. I am not comfortable with that.

So, Matty, what I mean? Yeah. You know, this this is kind of a straightforward one to us just because I think we've probably we've probably been like Brian before. And you kind of know. I mean, he's just he is kind of telling you what's up. So what do you think you're going to do?

Before you say that, Maddie, have we missed anything? Is there a big piece of information you haven't shared yet or no? Not that I can think of. No. I mean, he's not a bad person. Like you're saying, you know, if he wants to sleep with other people, he totally can. It was just, you know, I expectations, not the right word, but I just, I had this like, um, idea of where our relationship was going. And I guess he had a different idea. Or maybe he had the same one and it changed. Yeah. Yeah.

And with that in mind, Maddie, what do you think you're going to do here? Well, I actually took a summer college course and I wound up meeting this guy that I really like. And I've been talking to him recently and I've been thinking about asking him out. So I don't know. I might ask him out now. I'm going to tell you this, and this is a piece of real advice. And I've heard it from other gentlemen when we've talked to our without women around.

A woman asking out a guy is a great move. Whatever that old ideas of like, wait for me to do it as the guy. Fuck no. If a girl walked up and texted and said like, hey, I think you're really attractive. I'd love to go out and get a drink with you.

What a fucking text to get. You don't have to play all these weird games and hopefully he hands you a rose and gets on his knee and does all this madness that he can't read these codes to. Just walk up to him and say like, hey, I'm attracted to you. I would love to see if this is anything there. Do you want to go on a date one night? Hmm.

Mm hmm. Yeah, I've done that a couple of times. I mean, not like a lot, a lot. But I, you know, noticed a cute man and I'm like, hey, I want to get to know you. And I go home and tell my parents about it. And my mom is pretty cool with it. But my dad's like, no, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. But also your dad does not want you sleeping with a bunch of guys. He's you know, he's he's he's a fuck grandpa.

I can read the room right here. We can't assume her dad is a fuck grandpa. No, he's right. Yeah, he's a fuck grandpa. Your dad's an old fuck boy? He's an attractive woman. He's a fuck grandpa. We're getting into dangers. It's a fuck grandpa, a fuck man, and a fuck boy. And we get it, Jake. Maddie.

Uh, I, our advice to you on this one as people in your corner is ask this other guy in a date. If he gives you a weird reaction, move on, go on a bunch of dates, find somebody new. If Brian comes back, let him come back. But I wouldn't hold on too tight. Yeah. All right, buddy. Thank you for the call. Thanks, Maddie. You're welcome. Bye guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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