120: Very Important Pigs with Steve Berg
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And we are back. Back. Right, Jake? Oh, wait. Jake is not here for this one.

But Kevin is. The shark is here. Wow. Have no fear, the shark is here. God, it's not. Is that a thing? No, it's not. What's upsetting is when someone starts using their nickname in the third person, that's when you go, uh-oh. Like as a friend and as someone who works with you, that's when you start going like, oh no. Like you're going to walk around with a boombox around your neck and start playing the Jaws theme.

refer to myself in third person yeah when you're saying the shark is here and when you're rhyming it also scary I'm glad you brought that up Gareth because the shark has a new segment I'm gonna be doing this on Twitch but I can debut it here no called pending review

That's right. The shark is reviewing pens. Oh, my God. No, Kevin. I'm doing it on twitch.tv slash Kevin. I'm actually doing it tonight if you're listening today. No. What is this? This is a Joshua Tree National Park pen. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Because you're coming with a lot. All right? No, this is pretty standard stuff. No. You're calling yourself the shark. You're doing pen reviews on Twitch. We need to step in.

This, I knew about your cigars. Yes, the cigars are out. No, they're not. I'm smoking pens. Cigars are out. Pens are in. What is, what, when did this start?

I saw a video that really intrigued me. How long ago? Three days ago. And it's now my new personality. No. It was about luxury pens and special occasion pens. And so I was thinking about, like, what are special occasions that you're like, I need to have my special occasion pen. Like when the president signs a bill into law? Yes. But.

But people like you and me, when do we have a special occasion, fans? What is it? And so I went to Joshua Tree this weekend with my wife for the birthday. By the way, for those of you who need just translation mushrooms, keep going.

I wish it was mostly coffee in 110 degree desert. Yeah, I got hot there. Went into the visitor center and I said, ah, my first pet I will review. Went to the Joshua Tree National Park Visitor Center. Sure. And I found a nice, beautiful pen. It looks great. And at the end of the year, and maybe I'll talk about it in intro in like December or something.

A pen-up calendar. Ooh, that's right. 12 months, each with a beautiful pen. Jake is going to hear this and demand that we never do an intro without it.

This is all pretty standard stuff. So wait, but you still haven't told me what a special occasion, what for you. That's what I need to find out. It doesn't sound like you're ready for Twitch. And I realize how insane that is as a statement. You're not ready to Twitch pens yet. People have suggested special occasions for me. Divorce pen. Hopefully I'll never need that one. Insurance exchange info pen. Name on underwear pen. What's the underwear one?

Name on underwear. When you put your name on your underwear, do you still do that? And what, you use it once?

Uh, no, you get multiple underwear. You have a special occasion pen. This is the pen I use to write my name on all my underwear. I was picturing the president bill thing where you sort of like put your underwear initials in there once and then you set the pen aside and then you shake a bunch of hands and you give the pen to some weird kid. Listeners, if you have a special occasion that you think needs a pen, let us know. Pens is my new personality. Cigars are out. I'm never do a cigar. Are you part of the pen 15 club?

I am born and raised.

All right. Well, listen, that was that. This is a wild new twist. The fact that your name is Shark and you're talking about pens, it's incongruent. But we have a great show today. Fantastic calls. I've heard the episode already. I'm not going to get into specifics, but it's one of our favorites. And I've definitely edited it. Absolutely. All that work is done. And the intro is also done. So without further ado. Thank you.

Hey, how's it going? Good, how are you? Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Mike. I'm 27, and I'm calling from Vancouver, Canada. Oh, I love Vancouver. You're on with Gareth and I and Mr. Stephen K. Burr. What up, dog? Hey, how's it going? We're all very good. We are all very curious about why you're calling today, Mike. So the floor is yours, my friend. What do you got?

Alright, so my question for the three fellows, I guess, for today is how can I convince my friends to monetize three giant, like 35-foot inflatable gorillas and pig that they bought on Facebook Marketplace? Explain it to me. I'm a little confused.

Yeah, so I'll give a little bit of a background. So I sent Kevin pictures as well for this. So the short background story is that some of my close friends, they found this ad on Facebook Marketplace for these like, you know, industrial size inflatable like animals. And it like I thought in my head. Yeah, for like car washes and stuff. Yeah. The reveal is big. Yeah. So how tall is that gorilla? Is that 40 feet?

I believe it's 35 feet. If you're looking at the gorilla picture, it towers over. It's the same size as a two-story. Oh my God. These are like Macy Day Parade type things. That pig is bigger than a building. It's gorgeous. The whole thing is they bought it for a bit because they're just fun people. I love this move. I bet you do.

Keep going, man. Yeah, so it was, so they like bartered the price down from like 10 grand to like 3,000 bucks, $3,300. Still pretty pricey for like a bit. Yeah.

So they bought it because it gives them joy. It gives all of our friends joy. We blew up the pig for a house party that we had. The one leg covered the entire door. We couldn't even get into the house because it was so large. It's a massive thing. But my concern is that now, because it was expensive, and I guess they didn't think about the finances of it all, they're asking our friends to...

invest their own money to like pitch in to pay for these inflatable. That's ugly. No. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, what they're pitching at is like, they're like, it's going to be a good thing for all of us, but they don't, I was like, okay, well, if you're asking me for money, then like, what, how are we going to make money off of this? And they're like, no, we're not making money off of this. This is just for the bit. I was like, what are you like? How, how,

This doesn't make any business sense. So basically my question is, I would love for all of you to pitch on things I can pitch them on ways to monetize these colossal things. I get this. And make some money back while also having fun. They're fun-loving people. We like a bit. And I know that you guys love a follow-up. I will absolutely, whatever you guys give me here, I'm going to pass it to the group and we'll make it happen.

So Mike, yeah, this is a great setup. Very clear question. It makes sense. You're not in an easy spot, but it's how do we make money off a blow up gorilla and a blow up pig so that the group or anybody who invests in it, like a Shark Tank episode, owns equity in that pig?

Exactly. I want to clarify that there are two actual massive gorillas. One of them, I didn't send the picture, but it is a blue gorilla with yellow underwear, just to give you guys a picture. And before we get into it, they spent $3,300 on all three or $3,300 apiece?

$3,300 for all three. Not bad. They stole those. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's a steal. Okay, so you guys don't need to make a lot of money to turn this around. And when you say it costs money, what costs money? The pump to get the air in there?

Well, it just like the whole thing, I guess like thirty three hundred is like not bad for all three. And it's like, but it's for for a couple of guys who are, you know, still making their way up in the world. It's still pretty pricey. Like, oh, so they want they want. But what is the maintenance? So I'm wondering, you know, with every great business and we're a shark tank people, we own businesses. We never move forward on.

But in terms of this, they spent the $3,300. There's no maintenance. You spray that thing down with water, and when it breaks, it breaks. And in terms of the pump that fills it up, they bought that with the $3,300. So some electricity would be my guess, right? Is there any other reoccurring fee for them? Or are they looking for you guys to pitch in to eat part of that $3,300? It's like eat part of the $3,300. Okay.

First off, your friends are crazy. You can't say, hey, I'm going to spend some money on this funny bit, and then they're all of a sudden like, I probably shouldn't have spent that money. Can you guys help get on the bet? But Steve, they can. They can. I think it's tacky. But I want to ask this question because I feel like we're missing an important question. You said you put it up at the house party. How do you feel about spooky season? It's great, right? Oh, we love spooky season.

So did it play big at the house party you threw? Yes. It was huge. It was a huge hit. There was, so to give more context of like the things that some of these animals, so the pig itself, it like unzips in the back. You can actually crawl into the center of the pig. Whoa. I got a pitch. Please, please. You throw a party and you call it saving the pig from the slaughterhouse.

And it's all doom and gloom, and that is Horace the pig has been sentenced to death, and you need to raise $3,300 in order to save the pig's life. The hosts are paying for the alcohol, they're paying for the music, but we're asking everybody to make donations on a shared GoFundMe so that everybody can see what everybody else has donated.

But if we get to 3,300, we have the party. If we don't get to 3,300, we do not have this rager and the pig is being put to death. Jesus Christ. So that everybody goes like, how much? And then you, you can invite people you don't know. And you go, they're asking for a donation anywhere under a hundred bucks or 200, anything you can give, uh,

Alcohol's free. Enjoy the party. There'll be pizzas, whatever weed, whatever you guys have. But all this money is going just to the maintenance, the upkeep and the purchasing of these. So we could throw a lot of parties with them for years to come. Unless if not, the guys are afraid they're going to have to resell them. But we're hoping that we have one big party and we, as a group, we all get to use this, but it's not, will you pitch in? Give me 50 bucks. It's one big,

big rager that might take a whole weekend. It might be two nights, three days, a huge save the pig party. I'd love to go to this party. Hey, you're all invited. But what do you think, Mike, as the first idea, what are your thoughts on that? Personally already sold already love it. That's pretty much pretty much on brand. Yeah. I would love to hear like other, cause we do, they do love to throw a party.

That's kind of like a low-hanging fruit for sure, but we can definitely do that. I would love to hear some alternatives. First of all, a couple things. One, love that you're treating us like we are the actual Sharks and you are consistent that you are provided with other pitches. I like that. By the way, what they also say on Shark Tank is,

I wouldn't wait. Yeah. Jake, there's the word. Cause I just gave you an offer, but now you're going to Gareth. I'm out. Did you learn a valuable lesson? You can go in the hallway and talk, but the offer might not be here. You walked away, Mike.

I'm going to walk away with a deal with Jake here, I think. No, no, you know what? If that's my only option here. Mike, let me tell you this. I might want to partner with two other sharks. Let's hear what they have to say. Well, Mike, let me ask you a question. What are, give me the dimensions. My ears perked up when I found out you could go in the pig. Yeah. Hmm.

That's when I became a little more interested. Now, what is the dimension of the pig when you go inside it?

Honestly, like pretty spacious. You could probably fit without destroying the pig. I would say like maybe 15 people. Okay, Mike, let me come into my dojo for a minute and let me walk you through my pitch. At the next party, you're going to have what I call the VIP. I literally just wrote VIP. The very important pigs.

Now, for $50, people are able, 15, 10, let's say, are able to go in and have the pig experience. They're not going to know what's on the inside of the pig every event because every event, it's going to be different. But every event, it's going to be awesome. What we're going to put in there for, say, the first one is we're going to have a table.

We're going to have snacks, maybe like a shrimp cocktail, maybe some champagne, bottle of Goldschlager. And then one of you or your friends are going to be dressed up like a butler in there to give the VIP service inside of the pig. I love this. I do too. But every party, it's going to be a little bit different. We're going to cater it in some different way. But you know what you could do, Gareth, to make money on that? Rather than just 15 people, it's only 15 people at a time. And you're only allowed in there for X amount of time. Yeah.

So you could be in there. You do like shifts. It's well, but I think it's the champagne room, essentially. Yes. You can have different people throughout the night. Yes. But I also think what you could do if you have this at multiple parties, what you are doing is then you're making this exclusivity for the event. So you could make it so you just go if it's if it's I like this.

$25, $50 per VIP, people are going to start to not only want to know what's in there, but they're going to want to get ahead of it and be the people who have the VIP ticket for the next part. And you know what you should do in there is you should get a Polaroid camera and you should take photos of the people in there and it hangs on a special wall.

And those are like, you know, theaters do that. UCB did it where they would have like, if you're on the house team, there's these photos near the door and you'd be like, even though they don't pay anything for some reason, I just want to be in one of those photos. Yep. Yep. And you're like, there's that exclusivity.

I don't know why, but I really want to be in some black and white photo where we're pretending to be a band. Yep. And you go, so whatever it is, that little VIP, that experience, there's a gag to it. There's something fun. Maybe there's goofy hats. Yeah. Yeah. It's a beach theme. It's a whatever. Whatever it is. There's a little red rope outside. Yeah. Guys and dolls. Yeah, you have a big bounce. Guys and dolls. Okay, hold on. Hold on.

Hold on, Grandpa. You know things are bad when Steve's poo-pooing what I pitch. No, I'm not. It's great. I want to add, even exotic dancers, men and women. Walk us through where you're going with that, Steve. I'm just saying a little entertainment while you're in there, taking Goldschlager and eating bacon-wrapped pieces of shrimp. Why not have a little dance in there? Some kind of burlesque situation happening. So you're talking about men and women dancing?

dancing at a house party. Strippers and Chippendales while you're eating bacon wrapped shrimp inside of a pig's ass. It would be hilarious though. It would have to be one of the guys who owns it probably. Because you don't want to start spending thousands of dollars to get dancers but we're trying to raise $3,300 total. Well we're in the whole five grand of the VIP experience. But did you see the dick on that guy Carl? Hey how cool is the thunder from down under guys? Those boys could dance.

Those boys could dance. They're talented. So, Mike, what do you think about a save the pig type party with a... The VIP I was going to go for, Gareth, on that was you could do a VIP room during it, but then you could add another special thing, and that's the VIP sleepover. And that is when the party ends...

There's 15 select people who bring sleeping bags. No, it's five. Five, yes. And they sleep in the pig. And then in the morning when they wake up, there's like- Pigs in a blanket. Pigs in a blanket. Yeah. A whole breakfast buffet. Holy shit. And then you do pigs in a blanket and that is the final, whoever gave the most money-

They're like, and you could do a bidding thing. You could keep going up at the final five end of the kids in the pigs in the blanket. They spend the night in, in the morning, the hosts make them a bacon, you know, heavy breakfast. Mike, if I was you, I'd start looking at Lamborghinis because you are going to be in the money pal. But what, what do you think of this idea?

Man, it sounds like we went from like being in the red to being actual millionaires. It sounds, this is amazing. I, so I, from what I'm hearing, it's like, we don't even need to touch the gorillas. The pig is the moneymaker. That's fine. You just pick one. You keep it simple. The gorillas are just there. You also can do multiple, you know, multiple parties, multiple events, however you want to. The idea is that the fact that you can step inside these things, that is now the velvet rope.

And you can tier it so that people want the exclusivity of being able to go inside the pig. I think that's exactly right. It's perfect. So Mike, walk us through what you're going to do.

It's beautiful. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to bring this back to the group. You know, Halloween is coming up. We are planning on doing something for Halloween. Could be something that we could align. Might make a Squarespace website about it. Who knows? We might lean into it. Shout out to Squarespace. And then we're also...

We all, yeah, I think we're going to do the VIP. Very important pig is crazy and hilarious. And I think that's super awesome. My, my only concern is like, how do we get people, if we're going to like be serving champagne or whatever, and it's like at a party, um, how do we limit the amount of time or like limit whatever they do? So they don't like go get wild drunk in there. And then like the pig gets punctured and then like, we're out of business security.

Yeah. Someone's going to have to be making sure that people get drunker and drunker. They're going to get wilder and wilder. You'd need one. You need, I mean, who's the biggest animal in your group of friends? Yeah. The gorilla. You got anybody who does jujitsu? Well, now let me ask you this, Jake, let me ask you this. Where are you going? And why are you making it kind of weird? And why you got your fingers on your temple? Like you're a real thoughtful, pensive man. Yeah.

You got anybody in that group who rolls around on mats and just crushes arms and rips heads off? You got anyone who's got a fake locker room where their wife sends them when they want to go tackle a tackle dummy with a fake friend? When they're getting a little bit too wordy in the house? When you get a little lippy, she sends you to the set where you pretend to be a karate expert. Tell that to the dummy. But Mike, you just need to have you guys are watching out for it. But what do you think of this part? Are you going to do it?

I think it works. This is a win. This is honestly something that is so on brand for this group of people. And you guys can do it a lot. And I think...

Yes. Yeah, it's a winning. That's a winning pitch. And I'm going to go with all three sharks on this one. Don't sleep on the burlesque dancers. I'm telling you. Sleep on the burlesque dancers. That's how you level it up. Level it up. Maybe the next party. Go full coma on the burlesque dancers. Right now, we're all hugging up and congratulating you. We're about to go to commercial. Yeah.

The crane shot is in effect. All right. Thanks, Mike. Really fast, Mike. Before we go, pretend you're doing your partying interview in Shark Tank. You're in that weird hallway. You just got a deal. Mike, the floor is yours. End us with the Shark Tank ending. We got it, boys. We got the money. We're not going to be in the red. Let's fucking go. Yeah. Pretty good. Pretty good. We can beep out the fucking. We can beep out the fucking. Absolutely. We'll fix that at post. Mike, thanks, buddy. Thanks, Mike. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

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And we're brought to you by Philo. Oh, we've talked about Philo before. Philo's got great current seasons of shows that I can't miss live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. It's got shows like The Office. It's got Martin. It's got Friends. All these things. We've talked, and Jake and I have talked about some of our secret passion shows that they have on there. Love After Lockup. Do not sleep on Love After Lockup, people. Get involved with it, okay? I agree.

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re-watch anytime for the whole year so go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial that's philo.tv to start watching hello hi welcome to the show thank you thanks for having me yeah can we get your name please this is rachel hey rachel how you doing uh where you from rachel

Michigan. Michigan. That's my sister's name, Rachel. What part of Michigan? North, south, east, or west? You near the lake? No, just eastern. Are you near Sagatah?

No, but my dad lives about 15 minutes north of there. It's a beautiful city. And what age group are we in? We're in the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, teens. Where are we at? 70s. 30s. Okay. So Rachel from Michigan in your 30s, what can we do for you today? Yeah, I would like advice on how to get my family to talk about what they would want if they were dead or dying.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Hello. So explain more what you mean by that. So I've worked in health care a while and I've seen people fighting over like what they think a loved one would want in terms of like being kept alive on a ventilator. Would they want to donate organs or tissue? What kind of like services to have? And I just think that sharing these things would like help ensure that we can honor their wishes. Yeah.

Well, first of all, I think you're dead right. Truly. But people don't do this enough, and it gets real messy. Your dad did this, did he not? Oh, yeah, my dad did it. And he gave you a real long shot. Very, very specific instructions. Everything with his will, there'd be times where the executor would be talking, and I literally said out loud, this fucking guy thought of everything. Yeah.

And the guy would go like, yeah, you're your father. I was like, but it was really touching. Yeah. He's like, and then Jake, at this point, scratch your left ear. It's itching. And I go, said that in the will. So I got a pitch, Rachel, coming out early and hot on this one. I don't know, Gareth. Do we want more specifics yet? Or should we just because you just saying, how do I get my family to pitch? And we'll see if it's working.

What about creating the idea of a game night, but with the game being you go around where you're like, who here is going to be a organ donor? If you're an organ donor, you got to raise your hand. You got 10 and nine. And so you can create almost like a bingo card of what you're willing to do and not do. Like who wants to be buried? Who wants to be cremated? And then you'll be like, you divide teams. We could, like, you could create a game of it where you're like, interesting Nana, not cremated. And she'll go like,

I don't want to wake up in a firebox. And you're like, wonderful. Nana does not get cremated. And then you have one weird cousin who's like, I want my head frozen. And you're like, okay. Okay. Cremated again. Another cremation. We're not going to tell you. Mark cremated. Mark cremated as well. We'll put you down for a cremation there, Mark. I think that's perfect. I have a slight tweak on the game.

But I think that's exactly right. I think if you can, does your, are your family all relatively close and close together in proximity, Rachel? No. So that was, we live kind of all over the place, but most of us will be together at Thanksgiving. So I was, so I was wanting a fun pitch so that I don't live in the holiday. I think, I think this is, look, I think this is exactly where you want to be and what you maybe want to do

I think a game is right. What I would do is I would maybe the way you could turn it into a game is make it a guessing game where everybody at Thanksgiving comes with their way in an envelope sealed. And then after dinner, you go around and each of you gets to guess what the other one would want.

And you could come up with some prizes or like you could buy like 15 little gifts. You know what you could do on that, Gareth, is everybody has to fill out the questionnaire that Rachel, you make of all this stuff. And then you go around and everybody on a secret thing has to go like, like Uncle Maury. And you're like, Uncle Maury wants a funeral. He wants this. He is not a donor. And then you put you put all the numbers together like a football pool.

And in the end, you then go in third place. Who knows their families wishes the best is like mom. And so you get an actual winner.

I think that's perfect. I think do it like that. And everybody kind of secretly submits an answer for each person. You read through it. You come up with like a point system. And then whoever has the most at the end of the night wins. And maybe you give prizes for the top three. And you give a prize for the person who knows their family the least. Yes, that person. And that person gets alcohol because that person wants alcohol. They don't even know their family. They're like, that's the person who goes like at 14. I started smoking weed.

There you're like a bottle of bourbon. That's really cheap. And they're like, fuck yeah, dude. Wild Turkey. That's fucking awesome. Thank you. That means a lot. Dude, that's so cool. Thank you. That rules. I think that's great. Rachel, what do you think? Yeah, I, I like that a lot. I think the guessing of it makes it fun. I just want to make sure it's also like there. We find out their real desires. Well, I think, but then you make the official sheet.

Okay. So you fill out everybody else's and then you also- No, no. So you do this. You do a piece of paper that you do. You create the spreadsheet, Rachel, where what are some of the things you said you work in this so you understand it? What are the questions you actually have? Let's see if this is going to work in a real way. So what are real questions people should answer in your opinion about what happens to them when they die while they're living? And for our audience listening, keep this in mind. Yeah.

Yeah. What extreme measures or like life support measures do you want and not want? Okay. So in your thing, you need A, B, C, and D. A, do nothing. Do not resuscitate. B, don't try your hardest. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. No, B would be give it a shot or whatever you do so that it's very clear. Because keep in mind, and you tell people this,

This is for a game, but your information you put down, we are going to save in the family folder and also have. So one, it's for fun. Two, don't answer something that you don't mean.

Yeah. Hey, Rachel, you come with a real problem, you get real solutions. I think you can't laugh and go like, I can't do that because you're the one who's saying what I want to do here is get people to talk about what they're going to fucking do when they die on Thanksgiving. You can't do that without some uncomfortable moments. How do you feel about that? How do you feel about the look? I mean, to your initial point, it is an uncomfortable conversation. But I mean,

This feels like it will not only be fun, it'll be when you're all together and it's everyone's there. So there's not going to be any bullshit when you get, you know, nobody's, you're not going to have a dissenter who's like, no, mom wants to be stuffed. But people need to fill out the paperwork before. Totally. You have the uncomfortable conversation you're talking about. Almost you have to have in a one-on-one way. They can call in October and say, yeah, in October you have to say, look,

I, as someone who works in healthcare, I have this major concern. So I've come up with a game we're going to play. It might seem morbid to you, but fill this out because- I have an idea. Go. At the top of it, you have two boxes, one official and two unofficial. So if somebody wants to do it and they go, I don't know if I want this official, check unofficial. But if you check official and you do not amend this at some point, you can always amend your will. But if

But if you don't amend it and something bad happens, we can use this as the official unless you check on official. But if you check on official, you might have a fucking Viking funeral. Because guess what? If you don't pick, I pick. And I pick weird shit. I'll burn you up and shove you into a horse's ass. You want to know why? Because you didn't pick. Right? So if you want to make it official, make it official. If not, we'll decide.

I like that. I have brought like this topic up before. And I just like when it's one-on-one and I don't know if they're joking. Like I asked my stepdad and he says, you know, don't keep me alive on a ventilator because that just takes away from your inheritance. Is he being serious? Because that's insane. Well, we're going to find out. But by the way, I understand what you're saying because this is very real stuff. I was just having this talk with somebody where I wouldn't want to be

You know, if I got dementia and I was really in a bad zone and I was on the, I don't need to be kept alive.

So I've said that to my wife and she'll kind of roll her eyes. And I'm like, honestly, if I sprained my ankle bad enough, just end it. Yeah. No, I think in many ways, my lower back gets any worse. Just yeah. See you later. Good having you big boy. Take a walk. And, and to be clear, Jake, you want to be buried with your weird little jujitsu buddy, your little dummy boy. Uh, I wouldn't refer to him as dummy boy if you're smart, because he will fuck you up. He will get you. But yeah, we will be buried together in a Viking funeral. Yeah.

wrestling because i'm gonna be alive when i get out him on top of you you cover him in kerosene shoot an arrow at your floating boat i'm on top he might have dominated me but i'm dominating him in heaven so reggio what do you think about doing a game night thing like that yeah i think that's a good idea are you gonna do it will you send us the bingo card or however you call it or the

And before you do it, the sheet so we can have a pick of it, because I also think people watching, listening to this show, I think it could help a lot of people. I was just going to say, I mean, I feel like this would be a good thing for more people to just generally do.

This feels like a hot takes. There's been a lot of teachers who are in the show saying, now we do hot takes. So hot takes is becoming a thing that's happening in schools. And Rachel, you could start something where you're helping a lot of people figure out what they want to do. But I would put something in there if you want to do something weird like a Viking funeral. I would too. I've put in this where you go, you know, what my dad did and I've mentioned on the show, but he wanted to be buried in Wrigley. I would have, if you have a spot for other people,

Right. Please describe. Well, you know what? You know what? You could also do like if people want to be cremated, dream location for ashes. And then you could also do realistic compromise. I think that's really right. Because then people can have fun. Then people can do like, yeah, exactly what you're saying. Just be like.

you know, wherever you like, I want them on Lambeau field or whatever. You know what I mean? Yes. You can do that. And then, but I'm like, ah, but I'll concede for my brother's backyard. If you're busy with work. Yeah. Literally throw it out your window. If you're swamped, you know, whatever. I want to be a little bit on the moon and on Mars. If not literally throw me in a sewer outside. I want to smoke a joint with me sprinkled on it. If not toilets, fine. Yeah.

I have a name pitch, Rachel, for you for the game. You can take it or leave it. I'm keeping it vague. It's called What's Next. Okay. Just a thought. I like that.

I mean, hell, that's a trademark. We can actually turn this into a weird, weird help board game. I love how many businesses our calls end with. And none of them get started. No, no, there's been none. No, we are like the non-follow-through shark tank. We're like at the end, we're like, awesome. And then we're all like, all right, I'll see you later. I'll give you that for 60% equity in a business we'll never follow up on.

By the way, I can't give you my email. And a shirt. Yeah, and a website. Rachel, will you please send us the photo? And I think this is going to really work for you. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, I will send you the photo. I've got two months to work on this document, so it should be a good one. I got a question for you. Do you feel good about this? Where are you at?

Yeah, I feel good about it. Garrett's first pitch was a win. Great. So we're happy. Jake crawled so I could walk.

Don't throw Jake out. Jake, don't do... Jake, Rachel, come on. Throw me in the sewer. I'd like to be on the moon, but throw me in the sewer. Let the rats chew me. Just, I want my limbs cut off for rats to eat. Yeah, just maybe put my ashes in cheese and throw it near a bunch of rats. Really nice to see you, Rachel. Rachel! By the way, you could get some really great...

parental guilt in this if it goes sideways. You know, the dad who, the mom who feels underappreciated to the dad, like, with me, just do whatever. Throw me in the garbage can. I don't care. I'm so busy with their own life. Well, you kids, you guys are, you guys are too busy to even reply on the text thread. So I guess just let me rot in bed. I don't know. You guys seem so busy with your works and the money seems to matter. So rather than burn me, maybe throw me in a fireplace. I mean, I'd love for you to each have a quarter of me, but you know, worst case, whatever. Just,

Cut my nails off and keep them. Dig a big hole. Feed me to the neighborhood dogs. You know what mine is? I want to be buried with my head exposed coming out of a hole in your yard and let the birds go at it.

You know what I might want to be? Shark food. Ooh, that'd be fun. You know what I genuinely... Chop me up as like, you know, what do they call it? What do they call it when they feed the sharks? Chum. I want to be fucking chum with a bunch of fish guts. Jesus. You cannot... I want my kids on the side of the boat. No. I was just going to... My only rule is everybody needs a cig in their mouth.

And then I want one of the kids to go, here's my dad. He ain't nothing but chum. No, I was just going to say, I'm not having kids. The sharks don't like the smell. The sharks don't eat jake chum. There's like a weird old fisherman who goes like, I ain't never seen nothing like this. Great whites will eat anything. What was this guy? Yeah, well, even the bottom fish won't have them.

The ocean's trying to spit him up. The ocean's trying to spit him up. All right, Rachel, thank you for the call. The sharks nudge you back into the boat. This is crazy. Yuck. Yuck. Thanks, Rachel. Thank you. Bye, Rachel. Thank you.

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Sure. This is Jake from Long Island. I called about the guys in my bathroom kept talking to me while I was in the stall. Right. Absolutely. And what happened? Where are we at? What's going on? And what'd you decide to do? So, yeah, I actually, you guys recommended, um, hanging up a sign, which I actually went through with. I, uh, I printed out a sign at work. Um, and I hung it up. I hung a few up in the bathroom. It said something like, um,

I'm trying to remember exactly what it said. It said, due to the recent incidents, we ask that you please do not loiter in the bathrooms. Thank you, management. The sign, by the way. It's great. The sign is not taped up like how management would tape a sign. And also, employees and center. It's the boy, your spacing is weird. Thank you, management's on the wrong side. Do not loiter. There's...

I know it doesn't look very good quality, but that's because I try to keep it authentic. Management has hung signs before, and they've looked like, you know. That's very smart. Okay. All right. You didn't want to look too good. Okay. Exactly. They wouldn't believe it. But by the way, that's a great sign. If I'm sitting there small talking while people are taking dumps, which I don't know why in God's great earth I would ever do that, but if I did, I would stop when I saw that sign. Yeah. Well, the question is.

Is that what happened at your work? So in a roundabout way, yes. So pretty much what happened is I hung the sign on a Thursday after work. The next day on Friday, I walk in the bathroom and the guy's still there and look at it and I go, they turn to me as I walk in and go, can you believe this shit? Like, look what they're hanging up. They didn't tell us how to spend time in the bathroom.

So I'm like, I don't know. Like, you know, I think it's just crazy. That's an insane reaction. Man, can you imagine not small talking with you while waste comes out of your ass? Yeah. I can't believe big brothers tell me what I can and can't do in the John. Hey, I didn't realize that we were in communist Russia the second we stepped in here. They actually did a thing I saw that was really funny about Americans getting mad about seatbelts in the 80s.

That's the funniest clip in the world. Do you know the thing I'm talking about? No, wait. Are you talking about that or drinking? No, drinking. It was drinking. It's in Indiana. Yeah, and they're going like... There was a new law that said you can't drink and drive, and people are going like, I didn't realize I lived in a communist Russia. I can't have a couple of beers after a long day of work. There'd be like...

people picking up their kids from school being like, oh, I guess I can't have wine while I pick up my kids. Yeah, like people are just like, so you're telling me when I'm done with work, I can't drink three beers on the drive home. What?

It shows you the way that our brains handle change with such resistance. Why? And it was the vibe was America's changing. And the vibe was never thought this was America. And we'll never go back. Yes. So the vibe from the guys was I can't believe what they're having us do. But what happened here, Jake? So by the end of the day that Friday, the signs were taken down. I don't know if someone ripped them off or what, but they were down.

So I thought it was the guys, you know, but then on Monday I come into work and we get an email and the email is from management and pretty much the email goes, um, I'm sharing the screen. Guys like, wait, hold on. We got it. Great. We'll read, we'll read it. Cause this is, wait, but it says actual manage. Oh, Oh shit. Okay. Okay. It has recently come to our attention that a sign has been posted in the men's bathroom, falsely claiming to have been written by management.

We do not condone this sort of behavior and ask if there's if you have any issues in the workplace, you report them directly to us. However, we must also ask that employees do not loiter in the bathrooms during work hours. Not only is this an inefficient use of time and slows productivity, but it is also clearly making other employees uncomfortable. Please only congregate in appropriate areas during your break times. Thank you. Actual management.

This is best case scenario, Jake. It actually is best case scenario. It is. It is. Well, because you fought a two front war. You what you made them have to go. Hey, it's not management, but also guys don't loiter in the bathroom. It's disgusting. People are digging dumps. What are you doing? So, Jake, what has happened since this actual management letter?

So it has been a couple of weeks at this point, and I'm happy to say these guys do not hang out in the bathroom anymore. You fixed it. If I ever walk in and there's one or two in there, they'll look at me and they go, hey, how you doing? I'm like, oh, I got to get out of here before I get fired, right? And they'll walk out and they won't bother me, which is great. It's great. I don't think there could be a better win. I agree.

Then actual management coming. First of all, the guys being like, this is fucking garbage, dude. Then somebody ripping it down. Then management going, it is garbage. That behavior is insane. You are not management with that in mind. We totally stand by the fake letter. It's getting out of the fucking bathroom, you maniacs. And now it's a fixed issue. I really don't think this could have gone better. It is.

It just it makes it a big issue. And now people know to not do it. You want to know why this worked out so well, Jake? Because you you were right and they were wrong. You because you shouldn't. Yes. But you shouldn't chat in a public bathroom. Yeah.

I couldn't agree more. That's it. And if you think there's a gray area to that and you go, give me a break. I was just asking him questions about their day while they were taking a shit. I'm going to say this a hundred percent. You're wrong. That's crazy. We'll have debates on this. You know, somebody called in earlier. They want a big swordfish on their wall. I'm a yay. Gareth is an a right. We're going to debate. This one is very clear. If you're on the other side of it, you're on a line. Yeah.

It's already uncomfortable enough to deal with this at work. It's crazy to turn it into a chat time. So Jake, we're very happy. We're just going to ring the bell on this one without even asking you. And what I'm going to say to end this for you've earned it. Thank you. I'm going to say this for Gareth and myself and Kevin. You're welcome. You're welcome. We are here to help. And we helped premise of the show realized bingo.

All right, Jake. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, Bill. Thanks so much, guys. Have a good one. You too.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.