116: Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys
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Okay, we are back with the show on a Monday. Everyone's got a case of the Mondays, but we're here to make it a little better. We're here to help. What do you guys think in Vegas, the best place to stay?

I know Kevin was just there. I'm going with my brother soon. Ooh. It's the 50th. Where to stay, what to do, what is a Vegas night? There's no work. It's just fun. We're not going to a club, but gamble, hotels, a show. We're talking about the Sphere. What do we think of the Sphere? I hear it. I want to go. I was opposed to it, but it seems like it's won people over, so I think it seems like a winner. What was the opposition to start? Ah.

I don't know. I'm just a big sphere. Yeah, I'm just against things. I go operate from a standpoint of I'm opposed to it until proven differently. You're the same. Yeah, I'm I'm skeptical when I'm like, just watch this show. Yeah. Yeah. You need a big sphere in the middle of Vegas. And then you go, that's why that's. Yeah. Oh, man, I got to pull some strings to get in. Here's what I the last time I went to Vegas.

And I'll be honest, I do not enjoy Vegas. But the last time I went to Vegas, what I did was I booked a place way off the strip. And it was like a resort. And it was like $100 a night. And it was incredible. And then just commuted into Vegas on their shuttle.

So it was like interesting. You had an escape. Yeah, because I get I wouldn't say anxiety, but I just I'm like, oh, my. It's so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's my move. As far as the actual hotels go.

I stayed in the Bellagio once, and that was incredible. Yeah, same. I like the Venetian a lot. Yeah. We did Cosmo, but I wanted to... I spent more time at Caesars just walking around and was like, this is so... I've never stayed at Caesars before. I've only been a couple times, but I think that would be really fun. I'm sure it's crazy expensive, but I haven't gone to Vegas enough where I want to do outside the Strip. I like being in the middle of it. Yeah, we're all young. But the...

Off of the sphere thing, we saw The Killers. They played a big...

20th anniversary of their hot fuss album and at one point the lead singer talked about meeting the drummer when they were 16 and this like Beautiful conversation they had and a certain point Leah leaned over to me and said are you crying? Oh my god, were you I was like it's just a very beautiful story about a drummer meeting The band was this the last trip. Yeah, this was so this last you went to the killers and

You wept. And you anointed a bowl of spaghetti for a family of four. The next day. This is a wild trip. This is Kevin's Vegas trip. This is becoming a wild trip. Kevin might out-age us in activity. So you got emotional while they were just talking about how they met. That's interesting. And I've never cried at a concert before. I had a couple drinks, but...

No, that's supposed to be a lifetime thing. And then you won a couple hundred bucks. I won $700 an hour before that. So it was an emotional day. And it was my birthday. And he was gearing up for a table of seven pasta dishes. Guys, thanks for tuning into our show and listening and telling people. We appreciate it. And so without further ado, enjoy this podcast.

Hello. Hi. Hi, were you just underwater? Did you just get thrown to shore? Oh, dripping heroin. CPR finally took. That is the best. Okay. Can we get your name, please? I'm Ashley.

Ashley and I'm from Arkansas. And I wanted to say something because anytime Kevin has mentioned that people dip out of the waiting room, I was like, why would anyone do that? This is their moment. They finally got here. It's only because the little song is on a 30 second loop and every time it cuts

cuts off you think y'all are answering and I lost 30 years of my life thinking they all had answers. Oh, so the anxiety you keep thinking you're about to go. I didn't even know that. That's amazing. We have hold music? I didn't know that either. There is hold music. It's on 30 second loops. I cannot believe we are at the

at the helm of my biggest fucking complaint. - You hate hold music. - I hate, it drives me, not only hate hold music. - I love it. - Yeah, I do too. - Oh, this is insane, I'm a two psychopaths. When hold music is on, it's awful, and then when they like every 30 seconds repeat it, same thing, 'cause I'm like, "Hello, hello," and then it's like, "Beer, near, near, near." All right, Ashley. - So Ashley from Arkansas, what can we do for you today?

Okay. I hope y'all like me because I'm going to tell you something that every time I tell people, I'll just tell you and you'll know exactly what it is. But I hate cinnamon rolls. Okay.

Okay. What do you mean? Also, all the setup is confusing. You'll know what I mean when I say this. Yeah. I don't know what she means. No idea. All three of us. Oh, yeah. You're going to judge me. This is as classic as any statement you ever hear. All right. So, okay. You hate cinnamon rolls. Uh-huh. Yes. And...

So I guess there's really not as much of a visceral reaction from y'all as I was expecting. Typically, when I tell people, it feels like I've either just told them my parent passed away or as if I just mad at them now that they need to convince me. It wasn't. You're in Arkansas.

I'm not trying to stereotype portions of our country, but cinnamon rolls in the South are more important than they are everywhere else. But I like a cinnamon roll. I love a cinnamon roll. And I'll be honest, if I'm going to have my honest reaction to what you said, what are you talking? Like, it's insane. But this isn't a debate show about cinnamon rolls. Well, it could be. I mean, it could be. But what is the specific question we can help you with?

Yes. How do I, because here's another caveat to that. It doesn't matter that I hate cinnamon rolls, I guess, but somehow with people and they're like with new friends, with parents, with teachers, any new person I come upon, I'm

cinnamon rolls are brought up. I never bring them up. I do not bring up this part of me. I do not talk about breakfast food. I don't talk about bread, but somehow whether it's like, let's go do this or, Hey, I just had a cinnamon roll. Do you want to see this picture of the cinnamon roll? I just got, it really does come up.

you know, every other week in my life. So I want to learn a quick one liner. You just say, I hate them. This isn't trying to make me quirky or fun. I just hate them. And then we can just move on. I like that. I respect the way you pulled that question out. That was really clean and I get it. So you want to figure out a way to say,

Because, look, there's certain things I don't like. The reason I said it's not a debate show about cinnamon rolls is like, yeah, we could gab about cinnamon rolls. Who cares? The point is you don't care about cinnamon rolls. So you don't want the whole every hang to now be, you dope, but they're so good. I just don't like, but there's fraud. Who gives a shit? Let's talk about anything else. You're looking for one line that they go, okay, and then they can enjoy their cinnamon rolls and you guys can do whatever you want to do. So we need a line. Go ahead.

You go. Well, I'm going to say it does get confusing because I do like cinnamon and I do like cinnamon toast and I do like rolls and I do like churros. I like everything else adjacent to it. So what is, okay, I hate to do this now. What do you not like about a cinnamon roll? As much as you didn't want to. That's exactly it. I can't tell you. I know, but what do you think it is? Because you do like cinnamon. You like rolls. You like everything about a cinnamon roll. What is it about the specific cinnamon roll that pisses you off?

Because if you said like, I don't like cinnamon, it's easy. Do you ever eat a food that just gives you a headache? No. Like the idea of it gives you a headache? No. A headache? 100% no. No. I have food I don't like, but the idea of a food. There's stuff I won't eat, but there's nothing where I'm like, I need to lay down. Nobody's ever said, hey, do you want a shellfish? And I go, Jesus Christ. But it's even beyond shellfish because it's like. That's an allergy. It's like cake. Yeah.

It's like, I personally, I find cake to be a little rich. Now, I'll eat cake. Of course. And if I eat cake, I don't have a problem with it. So, no, I don't understand this. So, you're saying the idea. Yeah, I don't understand either. I don't like this part of me. This is maybe my least favorite part of myself. Ashley, you stop it with that. We're not going down that road with you. You're a great person. Now, let me ask you a question. Honestly, that's a pretty good thing if that's the least favorite part of myself. Oh, great. Let me ask you a question. Did a family member when you were growing up eat a lot of cinnamon rolls?

Yeah. Is it trauma? No, it's actually a part of really great family memories. We'd go to the lake. You used to like them? I'd have them at camp. You used to like them? No, never liked them as a kid. I pretended to. It was just one of those things. I looked around. Everyone else was doing it.

I just, I really pretended I never liked them. I would then go get a toaster strudel afterwards. Typically. Okay. Okay. This is great. That helps me. That helps me. Okay. So toaster strudel. Okay. So you specifically don't like cinnamon rolls, but you like everything associated with cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls were a big part of your childhood and you would pretend to like them. And then eventually you stop liking them. Now you're at a point of your life where you just don't want to do a lot of cinnamon roll talk. Is that correct?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Yes. All right. But is that right, Ashley? Is this what? That's exactly right. I just kind of want a quick one-liner that shuts down the conversation because I wouldn't have sent this in if it hadn't happened four times that week. Okay. Because I listen to y'all and I love this podcast, but I never really planned on sending one in. So I was like, this is something they can do. All right. Ashley, we're going to pitch you one-liners to get you out of this cinnamon roll problem. Thank you. But let me ask you a question. How old are you?

28. 28. So your parents... My question's awful. What? You must look crazy about that. Here's what I was looking for. Attach... I can't even believe this sentence is about to come up. Attach the cinnamon roll to some trauma. So go... Like, for you. Yeah, okay. Okay? You go, ah, my dad used to love me and he passed away, so I just can't. A darkness... It's very interesting. ...that shrouds the cinnamon roll...

So that it because if I heard that. How about how about allergic? But she likes all this stuff. I had that. I'm allergic to cinnamon. That's a great out. But she wants cinnamon. So what we could what you could do is become a closet cinnamon person. But that. All right. I'm going to pitch you a couple more. I would love to find a.

a dark version. You know how you, yeah, you kind of hear my personality, me going dark is a terrifying idea, but we could do it. We could do it. People would be that the whole funeral thing would probably be forgotten if I went dark for a little bit with somebody, but that's actually probably good. So keep going. I don't, she said a lot, but I don't, I think we're looking for one line. Okay. Here's one. Yeah.

I'm a strudel girl. Okay. So not for me. I'm a strudel girl. Yeah, but that's going to lead to a lot of talk. I'll give you an example. Do you want a cinnamon roll? No, I'm a strudel girl. Well, we have cinnamon rolls. Do you want them? No, I'm married to strudels. What do you mean? I don't do cinnamon rolls. I just do strudels. Oh, I love strudels too, but we have like, I'm just got them out of the oven. I got six cinnamon rolls. I don't want one. Why not? I won't. Oh, again, this is the problem is the lifestyle. I'm on a diet.

But she's not. Then why'd you eat all those potato chips? It tastes good. Frosting. Oh, I've got one. Go. Try me. This isn't one line, but it could get you out of it. Short. Oh, you've got to have one of these cinnamon rolls. They're so good. I wish I could, but I can't. Why?

Last time I had it, I barfed, and now I always associate cinnamon rolls with barf, and I hate it, but I don't want to talk about it, but it's so disappointing. But enjoy. I think that's pretty good. I think that's pretty good. That's what happened to me with gin. Don't say that part. I think associating it with you got sick off of cinnamon rolls once and you can't eat them. Ooh, here's a way to really end it going off of that. Give it to me again. Oh, you've got to try these cinnamon rolls. So gooey, so yummy. I wish I could, but I can't. Why? Last time I had it, I had like,

Oh, you had horrible. Yes. I don't want to talk about it, but enjoy. I think that's pretty good, too. What you're just saying is something personal happened to your body last time you had it. By the way, Jake did the universal sign for mind-bending diarrhea. Which I guess is. Which is a sweeping down from the tummy to the bottom. But you're either saying, what you're basically saying is, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to yuck your yum. Yes. You enjoy it. Good. But.

something happened to me. And right now, girl, I'm not there. And they'll go, okay, how about this? Here's the one liner. I don't want to yuck your yum, but last time I had them, I got really sick. So I just can't anymore. I like that. Cause then you don't even have to do the, it was diarrhea, a barfing. And then they'll go, Oh no. And then if they start following up, you go like this, trust me, we don't want to talk. No go. Yes. What,

What do you think of that? Actually, I don't know how I haven't done that before. It's perfect. You like it? I really do. I really do like it. Let's try it. I don't have answers for them when they ask why. Let's see how it goes. And remember, Ashley, we're thinking fast and end it. So you are moving on. Are you wanting me to do this right now? We're doing it right now. But think about as soon as that moment ends,

Think about something else to get the conversation moving elsewhere, like an enjoy or. I do that every time. I love it. Let's see what happens. Here we go. All right. Sure. Oh, my God, girl, you have to try these cinnamon rolls. They are so yummy. There's a bunch of them. Go grab one.

Oh, that is okay. I know that they look so good. They smell fantastic. Don't want to yuck everything you've got going on, but made me sick one time, so I'm just going to pass. Okay, Ashley, great start. Agreed, it's close. Let's talk about word economy. Yes. Okay? Short but sweet. That's what you want. Yes. So let's cut out the preamble, and let's just go with,

Oh, I don't want to yuck your yum, but last time I had them, I got so sick, so I just can't anymore. You enjoy. Okay, you're right. It'll be so jarring. That's the shortest sentence I will have ever said in my life. Here we go. But you're looking to not go deep on the cinnamon roll chats. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right. The way you're doing it feels a little too dramatic. Let's just go quick. Ready? Ashley, stop laughing. We're at a party. Oh, my God. You got one of these cinnamon rolls. They're so good, girl. I'll get you one.

No, thanks. I got sick one time. We need more work. Because that's going to lead to a lot. Too much budgeting. All right. I'm going to try. Let's go. Let's see if we mix it up. Great. So remember, we made too many cuts. Yeah. Hey, you want a cinnamon roll? No. No.

Ashley. Thank you for the call. I think we're in a great zone. I thought you said it got it more. I thought you said it got it more. You said add more back. No is incredible. Last chance. No is incredible. After all, did you want us to enroll? No. And by the way, it's pretty good. Ashley, let's try one more, and then we're done. But what we're saying is more than no, more than the one previous to that, but we don't want to make it feel like story time. And you're ending this.

This is quick. So now to you, Ashley, do you feel like you got a good handle on what's about to happen? Yes. Yes. Yes. I'm ready. You don't even need to do the yuck. You're young. It's just, I'll ask you. Okay. Okay. So here we go. Ashley, let's do this. I'm going to cut the yuck. You're young. Yes. Whatever you want to do. Okay. Then as soon as this is done, Ashley, I'm going to ask you and you do it your way. Right. Does that make sense? Great. Here we go. Mm hmm.

Oh, the cinnamon rolls are out of the oven? Yeah. You want one? No, I'm good. Last time I had them, I got so sick, so I just can't. But enjoy. Okay. All right. Here we go. Ashley, do you want one? No, I'm okay. I got so sick last time I had one, but y'all enjoy. Pretty good. Hey! There we go. By the way, great. Great. What do you think?

I felt good. Good. You killed it. Yeah. I like you. Y'all. I like how you did that. You personal. I thought that was a likable. I nobody's going to fuck with you if you got sick with them last time. Let's do five. Let's do five in a row. Great. Drill this great call. Yes. Hey, Ashley, you want Ashley? You want a cinnamon roll? No, I'm OK. But y'all enjoy. I got sick one time. Hey, I want a cinnamon roll.

No, I'm okay. Y'all enjoy. I got sick one time. Ashley, you got sick last time. The last time you had it, you got real sick. Not one time last time. Keep going. Hey, Ashley, do you want a cinnamon roll? Oh, no, it's okay. I got super sick last time, so I don't really want them, but y'all enjoy. Yes. Ashley, Ashley, you want a cinnamon roll?

This is my nightmare. Ashley, hold music to your nightmare. Finish the battle. Ashley, you want a cinnamon roll? Nope. Don't want one at all, but you enjoy it a lot. I got sick. I hope you don't. Thank you for the call. Ashley, Ashley. Follow up with us. Let's see how we do. Today. Follow up with us in five minutes. Ashley, you're a good chick. You got it. It'll be all right. You got this. Go get them, okay?

All right. Thanks, guys. We believe in you. Thank you for the call, Ashley. You did great. Go. Bye, guys.

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Hi. Hi, Dad. Hi there. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? Yeah, this is Baxter. I'm 28, and I'm from Cleveland. Baxter or Dexter? Baxter. Baxter. Cleveland. Beautiful. Great name. First Baxter. All right, Baxter. That is the first Baxter. Yeah, it's our first Baxter.

Does that feel good? Yeah. Okay, you don't seem too far off. It does, yeah. Okay, Baxter, what's going on? You got Jake and Gareth, no guests, just us. That's the boys. Let's party, buddy. Yeah, so my wife and I are actually building a house currently, and our lease was up in July, so we had to move in temporarily with my parents until the house will be finished. Yeah. Oh, boy. It's been all right. There's been some things that...

have been a little weird and uncomfortable, mainly why I'm calling today. So they have a Ring doorbell. I'm assuming you guys are familiar with those things. Ring doorbell, yep. It was on Shark Tank. It's true. It's actually a fun story. They passed on it. Everyone passed, and then Richard Branson bought it. Yeah, so they get the notifications on their phone. Apparently, they get the notifications online.

from the ring doorbell whenever someone's leaving the house or coming in or a vehicle too big drives by. And, um, and so, you know, they'll just make, they'll make comments. Um, you know, later in the day, my dad goes to work really early, about four, four 15 in the morning. And, um, my wife's been,

going to workout classes in the morning. And when she was newer to this program, you know, she signed up for a class. She thought it was for 5.30 a.m. And she left and went to the class and found out that it was a 5.30 p.m. class that she came right back. And my dad, you know, that evening, he's like, makes a comment, you know, oh, hey, I saw you. You went to your workout and you came back really quick. Must have been a good workout.

And, you know, it's just an example of just these kind of weird comments about the rig. Yeah. I get it. I get it. And nothing means spirited. It's just weird. It is weird. He's he's stalking you. Yes.

He knows what he's doing. He'll go, oh, one bag of groceries, and you're like, it's not a conversation. It's funny how that little shit will drive me crazy. The stuff where people are just like, oh, yeah, what, you only got one thing? And you go, what? You got one bag, and you go, I had a bag in the car. And they go, oh, and you go, how's this a conversation? Honestly, you just want to be like, fuck you. Who cares? Yes, okay. So your dad's commenting a lot.

about the videos but you are staying with him you're under his ring that does mean something baxter uh but your your lease is out you're building a house i get why you guys are all right back to you yeah so um you know my mom will make some comments too but it is mainly my dad and um

Another example, I'll have a work meeting earlier on Fridays and he's like, hey, I noticed you go to work early on Fridays. What's that about? It's kind of weird that you're just watching me on your phone when you're at work. I guess the question would be, what do I do? Fake a fight with your wife in front of the door where you say really embarrassing stuff that he doesn't know how to comment on where you're talking about

You go like, yeah, you know what I'm asking you to do for once is peg me. And she goes, you want me to put a dildo on and put it in your butt? And you go, yes, one time. You know how many times I've had to have sex with you? I am a man. It's my time. And she'll go, fine. You know what? I'll give you what you've always wanted. I'll have you call me daddy and I'll pump you in the butt. And then go like, fine. And walk in. So he goes, I don't know what I just saw.

I don't get it. I'm turned around. I'm not bringing it up. But now he can't bring up other things he saw because that would mean he saw this. I like that pitch. I like the idea. You know what you could also start doing is just any time you're approaching the ring,

Just pretend to be on the phone about something serious. Like, just make it so that every like matter of fact clip is on. It's just.

How about something like this? You go off into, let's create like an Indiana Jones type thing for your dad that your dad can't help himself, but he's got to admit he's been eavesdropping. And then you go, are you listening? Every time you're on the phone, you go like this. Well, what do you, when you walk, I go, what are you talking about? A treasure chest? That's that. And the next time you go like this, wait, you're saying it was from a ship. This is the best. Wait, near the beach. Okay. I, my, my other pitches. This is, this is what we've got to do.

I was going to say maybe we try to like fuck with the bat. This is the way we do this because it's your dad.

And it's fucking weird out of there soon. So let's create. Yeah, let's create fake a fake reality every time you're walking up to the ring cam. Yes. About treasure. And then you and your wife both do it or your wife doesn't. Oh, no, she does it, too, because then what you could say on the phone one time is you could stand there and be kind of like profile the camera and you go like this. Of course, nobody's listening. No one can ever hear that. Yes, this is just and you go, I know it's life and death.

I really like the idea that we heighten a treasure thing every time you're approaching the door. So your father is invested in a plot. Yes. But he also recognizes there's it's too much of a privacy betrayal. And if he brings it up, you deny it.

Because what we want to do is go, you're treated as rich. Or you go like this. You go, I can't talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just something like, I... The goal of this pitch, Baxter, is to get your dad to go, I know everything about the treasure! And then a rock. Yes. And then all the details. He goes, I know it's in like, you know, it's near Akron. I know it's here. And then really what you could do then is you could go...

Dad, there's no treasure. It just seemed like you were watching us on the ring cam a little bit, so we thought we'd create a little Indiana Jones plot for you. What do you think of something like that, Baxter? Yeah, that's good. I love this. I feel like I've seen this on a TV show or two a time or two, and I feel like that's something we could definitely pull off. Let me tell you what was just happening, Baxter.

I agree. Jake and I were enjoying the fuck out of this pitch. We've never seen this TV show. What TV show has the fucking Indiana Jones plot with the ring cam? I don't know. What show? Name it. Name it. And by the way, he didn't say it sounds like a couple shows have done this. You mean it's a hacky idea? Yes.

The spirit of the prank, I mean. Yes, the prank! I don't think it... Okay, look. Here's what we're going to do, Baxter. Baxter, you killed us. That's awesome. It's okay. We're here for you. By the way, your rejection of this idea is a Seinfeld. We...

I'm not. I've never heard. I know, buddy. Hang in there. Hang in there. I'm going to. I'm going to try. Baxter, we have we have worked in TV for a long time.

Neither of us have ever heard of this remotely close. I'm not sure if that's true. Now I maybe have been. No, I've never heard. I cannot. I cannot picture anything near. You know what? In New Girl, we created a whole fake P.I. thing because somebody was stalking Zoe's character. I think we've stolen. It's different. It's different. We're going to pick different. No, that's it.

Jake's right on it. That's exactly, it's the spirit of the idea. It's the same spirit. It's we create something that gets everybody scared. You were right. But, but, but I still think, I don't want to say ours is better, but ours is going to solve, it would be an honor to write it. Ours is going to solve this problem far quicker.

I really do think that your father probably doesn't know about this episode. Okay, there's an alt pitch. But he's seen it on one of his shows. There's an alt pitch. I have an alt pitch. Please. But I want to say, even if you feel like we're encroaching upon some other one. I like the Indiana Jones, too. It's so funny for you to just walk up there and be like, look, Blackbeard's dead, but we can still get the treasure and walk in the house. And then the next time you walk in the house, you go, the magic shovel's missing. And just enough for your dad to go, okay.

Huh? Yes. And then rewind it and go. Why? And then the dream is he writes it down. Black beard. And then you go. And then as you're fumbling with your keys to get in, you're going, look, it's 15 paces past the city council house. Here's another one. This is meaner. So you woke this and Jake, we had a sweet run.

You start pretending to be planning over the phone a surprise party for him. Oh, that's funny. It's all him eavesdropping. It's just a lot of like, I don't know. Do you think he's going to know? I'm like, of course he's good. Like he's my dad. And he goes, we'll all be there. And then it's like, and then you go like,

So the fun of it, and then you go, the only way he would ever win this is if he was on it, because we'll all be in short shorts and Hawaiian shirt. So if he showed up and then like walk out so that he goes, you go like, all right, it's dinner. And he shows up in like short shorts, Hawaiian shirt and like a spinny hat and a fancy dinner. And you go like, what are you doing? And he goes, it's a surprise. I was going to beat you. I love that. Right. How about this? Why don't we through the ring cam create a

a fake baby that your wife is having. And when we're going to do the reveal to the parents that the baby is coming, you actually just say, dad, you've been watching us on the ring cam a lot. So we invented a baby.

So you walk up and you go, I don't know, she's late, so we're a little nervous about what it could mean. I mean, we want to have kids, but we don't know. She's walking up and she goes, I'm telling you, I just feel bloated. It's building. I know. And then it's like you come back and be like, well, we just went and saw the doctor. We did the ultrasound. Or you know what we could do? What could be fun, Baxter? Because that's going to be really sad for your mom and your dad to realize there's no baby. What if you do a surprise attack?

and you guys start faking like you and your wife are going to get divorced, and it's building towards the end of this thing. I'm assuming your parents love the couple, want you guys together, want grandkids out of you, have a nice thing cooking here. How happy you live with them. If my daughters ended up living with me as an adult, I'm going to be thrilled. So they're right now having their cake and eating it too. Your dad's having a blast. He thinks his comments are hilarious. So you're building up to the big divorce, and then you go –

You go eventually on it. She goes like, we're telling his parents tonight. You build up to this big thing. They're sad. They're going. They go, mom, dad, we have to tell you. And the dad goes, I think I know where this is going. And you go, yep. And he goes, go on. And you go, you spy too much on ring and it's weirding us out. And he goes, but go on about the divorce. I like that. You go, I know divorce. And that you're watching us. And in that picture, any of these, I would also, I would tell mom and swear her to secrecy.

So that he's before we go there. You're right. Baxter, would your mom be with you or would she be with him? Oh, that's a good question. You know, I think that I really only gave examples of my dad, but my mom's been kind of. We're going both. We're going after both. What do you think of all of this stuff we've said? What what lie do you want to tell? And what's the reveal?

Oh, I, the baby one is actually pretty enticing. Um, they have, they have,

Well, they have six grandkids already, so I think that a little prank would be okay. Okay, I respect that. That's a big one. I like it. I will, and I'm just, I want you to do what you want. I'll never get over the treasure one. To me, the joy of creating. But then what we're building towards on that one is, because what we need is the big reveal night. So if you do the treasure, just to pitch it out, here's what I would say, Baxter.

You found the treasure. It's worth millions. You need to spread it out amongst your family because it's too much money. So you're going to give your dad $150 million worth of rubles or whatever, and you know, emeralds and diamond. And so that when you go, you go, dad, we have to talk to you about it. And he goes like, go ahead. And you go,

I think you spy on me too much about the ring camera. And he goes, I guess continue with the gems. Then you go, we're going to give him $90 million in gems and rubies. And we need him to keep secret, but he can spend it. We don't need the money. We want my parents to have it. We just want to continue on our life.

What do you think of that? Just so the big reveal is he's thinking about all these animals and gems he's getting out. I want Baxter. This is, you cry laughing does not happen a lot. I insist that you do this, Baxter. It's so fucking funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm with you. No, honestly. It's really nice. I am with you guys. I was saying, while I love the baby pitch, I think that I'm leaning toward the treasure. It's in the world building you can do. I totally agree. And then the big peak, what do you want to build towards? Do you want to build towards dad's getting treasure? Do you want to build towards the police? How do you like ending it? Because what we're looking for is when you're telling your dad the truth,

He still thinks there's another thing coming and we want to be excited. Wait, may I say that what we could do is it could get intense with the pirates now know where you live. That's excellent. So that's the, and then so when you sit your parents down to say something, that's excellent. He's scared. I love this. It's two days after they have found you. And so you're sitting down to them and you're saying to them, wait,

I love this. You spy on Ring Camp too much. Because then their fear is heightened to the point that maybe pirates are over there in Cleveland. But then the reveal is there's no trouble. Yeah, the reveal then is so cushioned. It's a relief. Yes. Pirates are getting dangerous. It's getting close. We might all have to flee. And then what do you think of that? That the bad guys, the pirates, whatever, are getting close. Yes.

I think that's it. I think we've hit it on the head. The danger aspect is really going to... I think that'll get him because he loves watching TV and movies all day. He'll get caught up. And I think we do this. This is great. I don't know what you're... When are you moving into your house, your new place?

It'll be early November. Oh, fucking perfect. Yeah, agreed. So I would say, why don't we do a follow-up with you soon? See how it's going? In the next few weeks or something, just to see how it's unfolding, because you might want to do a little more world-building before we get to... That's true, to the big reveal. Yes. And then if it happens to be going fast, will you find a way to film the reveal probably with one of his ring cameras? Oh my God. Do it on the porch!

Do the reveal on the porch in front of the ring camera. Excellent. Dad, can I talk to you? Outside alone. Mom, Dad, can we talk to you on the porch? That's a great idea. Oh, please. And then if you send us the footage that has that ring camera look. I'll die. I will pass away. I agree. I will die.

So will you either follow up with us while it's going if it needs a twist or a turn? But if you're cooking with gas, keep going. And the big reveal, just try to make sure you can film that reveal. We need an update before the reveal. Okay. I'm into that. And then because we've got to get it right. I've never. I think this might be the most invested. I think it is. Yeah, I will. Okay. I would do that. I think you guys. All right. Thanks, Baxter. Thanks, Baxter.

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So shop now at dell.com slash deals. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointment with them online. A dear friend of mine uses ZocDoc all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gil Buchanan.

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And we're brought to you by Philo. Oh, we've talked about Philo before. Philo's got great current seasons of shows that I can't miss live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. It's got shows like The Office. It's got Martin. It's got Friends. All these things. We've talked, and Jake and I have talked about some of our secret passion shows that they have on there. Love After Lockup. Do not sleep on Love After Lockup, people. Get involved with it, okay? I agree.

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rewatch anytime for the whole year so go to philo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial that's philo.tv to start watching hello hello hi there heard you whispering a little bit you whispering to someone oh you did oh my gosh who you whispering to buddy

Was I was running through the that's a terrible you practice that is absolutely We appreciate that is you know what yeah? Yeah, what a good man Take away all anxiety nerves. We're just having yeah, what's your name here, bud? My name is Alex Alex. Where are you calling from? I'm calling from Greenville, South Carolina South Carolina You like music?

I do like music. Favorite musician. Let's think about that. Uh, favorite musician right now is probably hosier. Hosier. Cool. Uh, what's your, if, uh, if you're on death row, what's your last meal? I did too. Death row. What's your last meal? I,

I've been real big into barbecue right now, so I'd probably go a good brisket. Nice. Wonderful. Hopefully you're getting the chair. Okay, so now what can we do for you? Take your time. Have some fun. Don't worry. You've rehearsed it. Now you're in the tank, buddy. You're in the shark tank. Amazing. Amazing. Okay, so here's the thing. For the past four to five years, I've had this older gentleman come

calling my phone. He's trying to get in touch with, I think his friend's name is Stevie. The problem is, as I've expressed to you, my name is not Stevie. So he's got the wrong number, which is fine. Usually when he calls, I'm away from my phone or I'm working and I'll leave these kind of odd, quirky voicemails. And they're funny. So, you know, I listen to them. I have a laugh. I show them to my wife. She has a laugh. We show them to our friends. And it's kind of created this really

hilarious, pleasant ecosystem of receiving this guy's voicemails and laughing about it. And that was great for a while. And then the voicemails started to take a little bit of a dark turn, you know, because he, for one time, for instance, he's like, baby, where are you? Miss you. Give me a call back. I haven't heard from you. And that, that, that cut me to the core. For sure. I started to get really stressed out. Like what role did,

am i playing in the dissolvement of this potentially beautiful friendship just because i won't do something as simple as answering the phone and i know that's the obvious solution just pick up the darn phone yeah um hey after five years of trying to get in touch with your friend i thought it would now would be a great time to tell you this is heavy you have the wrong number yeah yeah so the other day he called me uh and he wanted to invite stevie to his retirement party which

Great for him. And I just, you know, I don't want to be responsible for TV missing out on what could be a great reunion and celebration of this guy's retirement. Yes. Looking for creative solutions. I got a question for you to start. So we're five years. We're five years into this. That's the question. Is that the question? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So four to five.

Is it a personalized answering thing? Yeah. Does it say, hi, this is Alex. Leave a message.

No, no, it's not. It's the number one. So this is... I'm very much like, I'm the kind of person where if I get a phone call from someone and I don't know the number, that's not my circus, not my monkeys. That's their problem. They'll figure it out. Sorry. Title for sure. Wait. That's a great expression. Agreed. It's not my circus, they're not my monkeys. It's not my problem. I love that.

But Alex, we got a pretty potential easy one. I agree. Because I don't think we answer and tell him at this point, especially when I don't agree. Oh, well, I mean, if it's five years in the turn of this one got to me when if it was just he's living, leaving silly ones, he misses his friend.

Then he invited his friend and he's like, I got to get in touch with him. He's probably like, I don't know what the fuck happened. Stevie didn't call me back. Now maybe they email, maybe they have another way, but he's like, when I call this fucking guy, I don't hear from him.

Yeah. And there is another element that I should mention. And that's that in some of the in some of the voicemails, it sounds like they do meet up from time to time. But why they don't have a conversation about, hey, man, you're not returning my calls. What the heck? I don't know. Because it's a hard thing. Some people are weird with phones. Some people are weird with texts. Some people are weird with e-mails.

Like, you know, people will text and they don't text back three days. And you're like, I guess that's just you. All right. All right. I think there's a very easy win here. I do, too. Go ahead. You want? No, go. Mine is beep. Hey, this is Alex. My phone number. Blah, blah, blah. Please leave a message. I like that. I like that pitch. What the fuck? I got the wrong number. Then he might go. He doesn't have to think I left him all the time. He then he emails or see Stevie and goes.

Did you change your number? And he goes, no. What's your number? And he goes, oh, fuck. I got a wrong thing here. I've been given the wrong thing for years. I don't I like that pitch. OK, so here's what we got. We're going to have Jake's what I'll call safe pitch. Yes. And we're going to have my run to the fire pitch. My pitch is that on the show right now, after a brief rehearsal with us, you call him to the number you have.

And you tell him, either through a voicemail or on the phone, hey, just so you know, sometimes I can't understand, but I think you've been calling my number trying to get in touch with your friend Stevie.

I'm not Stevie, so I don't know if you know that or what. But what are we going to do? I mean, at some point, it's like... At some point, you've got to rip the Band-Aid off. That's what I mean. But it's how we rip it. Well, you're talking about a slow peel. I'm talking about ripping. No, it's not a slow peel. I'm talking next time he calls, he hears...

Another man's voice another man's name. He then contacts TV They figure it out as opposed to Alex saying for five years I've sat on this now, but I can do I know but see no, it's the execution. I'm gonna call you. Okay? Okay, you're the Stevie guy. Hello. Hey, how's it going there, sir? You probably recognize the number that called you is the one that you call Stevie from is that right? I

Yes. Okay, so I don't know how this happened. I've had issues with my voicemail over the years, and I wasn't sure if our lines were getting crossed. Stop.

Stop. You're being unfair. I'm not. Yes, you are. Somebody calls. Yep. But it's Stevie. He's got a Stevie. Stevie comes up on the phone. Okay, you're right. Okay. Stevie. Hey, actually, hold on. How are you, Stevie? Sir, actually, this isn't Stevie. I know this will seem a little strange because I think you've been calling my number for a while. What? I think you've been calling my number for a while. Who is this? You were born to play this role, by the way. I just remembered. He's about to retire.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Stevie. Hey, hello there. Actually, this is not Stevie. I actually, I know you've, I think you've been calling my number, which is this number for a while. Who is this? My name is Alex. Okay. And I am not Stevie. I think you have my number saved as Stevie's number. What are you talking about? I think what you need to do, sir, because you've been calling me Alex, not your friend Stevie. I know that because you've been leaving me voicemails.

For how long? A while, I guess. I've had issues with my voicemail over the years. What? Yeah, like I haven't been able to retrieve my messages. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Sir, you're old, but you're not 90. So remember that when we're having this conversation. So, sir, what I'm saying is you've been calling this thinking I'm your friend Stevie. I'm not. I'm Alex.

I would reach out to your friends. How long has this been happening to you? It's been happening for a while, but I've had issues with my voicemail over the years. Okay. I appreciate the call. Sir, sir, I think you- Thank you. Sir. And if you're going to try to sell me something, shove it up your ass. Sir. Click. Sir. I mean it, though. All right. Do it to me.

Try my pitch to me in earnest. And tell me what the pitch is. The pitch is that I'm saying to this guy, hey, I think you've been trying to call your friend Stevie at this number for a while. It's not Stevie, so I think you could email your friend Stevie or find another way to contact him and get his real number. Alex, you be Alex. Try to confront him. Gareth is going to be... I'll be the old man. Whatever his name is, yeah. Not Stevie. Stevie's fine. Let's see what you got. Okay. Hello. All right. Hey. Hey.

No, it's actually not. It's not Stevie. I should have introduced myself. Hey, my name is Alex. You've been calling this number a lot. And I just got to tell you, it's not the right number. What do you mean? So,

You're trying to get in touch. I think it's your friend Stevie. You've left him a few voicemails, and I always seem to miss the call when you call. Hey, I heard you're getting retired. That's awesome. I just want to make sure he does not miss the invite by telling you this is the wrong number. Do you have Stevie's number? Is this...

I don't. I don't have Stevie's number. I'm actually not sure how you got this number in the first place because this has been going on for a while. All right. Well, I'll email Stevie, whose email I have, and resolve it that way. I mean, there's a sweet path at this, Alex. What do you think about the confronting or changing your outgoing message? What path do you think? Yeah.

The changing the outgoing message is very appealing to me. That one is pretty easy because I don't have to deal with it going sideways. But then our show doesn't get to call this old man. What I'm nervous about is this guy getting on the phone and being like, you could have saved our friendship. Well, that's exactly what I thought. I could play that off. Because this has been five. Let me ask you this, Alex. He doesn't know what you sound like. We could, from your phone, call this guy right now

And I could do you and tell this old man what's been going on. That could also work. Now, I should clarify that I'm pretty sure that his friend's name is Stevie. When he leaves these voicemails, it's wild. I mean, I can't always tell what he's saying. Sometimes I wonder if he's calling when he's had a few calls.

Change your outgoing message. That's what I would do. Change your outgoing message and see what happens. And then if you need a follow-up, if it keeps happening, we can go to this nuclear option, which I think will work. Him confronted. Call him and be like, sir. Yes, I agree. That definitely will work. Yes. It just might. Two big issues could happen. It will work. It'll end the problem. Yes. It might embarrass him.

The old guy and the old guy might go, why haven't you told me for five fucking years? Right. Well, by the way, that would be my fear in conjunction with the outgoing voicemail. That's going to help us alleviate that problem, too. Yes, because then you could just pretend you just got this number two months ago. I like that. Sure. Sure. You might have just nailed it. I would go outgoing message if he calls again. You just I love that thing the air just said.

hi, I don't know who you are. I just got this phone number. So then he panics that Stevie changed his number. Yes. Contact Stevie in the way he contacts him. Yes. Email. Did you change your number? Yes. You could do that right away. Or next time he calls, go, hello, is Stevie there? No. And then he goes, he's not. And you go, I'm sorry, man, I just got this number. I don't know who Stevie is. What I would do, this is what I would do.

That's smart. Outgoing voicemail. And then you have that because of that change, then I would maybe answer next time. I totally agree. I wouldn't call him. Yeah, I would. I agree. I

I agree. There you go. Alex, all of a sudden we hit it. I think. What do you think? Oh yeah. No, I think it's a win-win. It's a small lie. It's just, you just, you can never admit to five years of this behavior. I could, but you're right. But you just, you just go into, I got this phone. Here we are. I agree. I think that's right. I think, I think too, you know, the people that call me that have my number that might be a little confused, know me and they would understand like, Oh,

People that they're confused by what well, wait, wait, what's the bit? What do you know? I do like people that aren't this guy that are calling my number that are then hearing that I all the sudden hold on you're not saying on the voicemail. I just got this number. Yes. Oh, no. Yeah. Hey, this is Alex. This is Alex first and last name. If you want leave a message.

You are now recording a regular outgoing voice. Yes, with your name on it. Easy, easy peasy. This is an easy one. Then when he calls after that, you answer the phone. He goes, hey, Stevie. No, sorry, this is Alex. Who are you looking for, Stevie? That's not this number. If he pushes on it, go, I'm sorry, man, I just got this number. I don't know Stevie. Then go back, repeat the number. So he looks at his phone and he goes, shit.

And I would do this ASAP so that Stevie doesn't miss this retirement. I agree. That's the only thing is there's that clock on it. You know what I do in terms of the clock? It's not until February or December. We're good. We're good. I put the message on today. You can't probably do it while we're talking to you, but will you send us the outgoing that we could play along? Make a, just, I don't know how you do it.

Yeah, just you can send us a link to that so we can get the alcohol. We can call you and record it. And then as soon as it's over, that's right. Then as soon as this is over, next time he calls, stand to the phone. Perfect, buddy. Love it. We fucking do it. We appreciate the call. This is clean. Yep. Get him, Alex. Thanks, bud. Will do. Thank you.

Greetings. This is Alex. If that is the person that you intended to call, then you're in the right place. I'm currently away from my phone right now and will give you a call back as soon as I am able. Thank you.

Hey everyone, producer Kevin, aka The Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on August 1st. It is called The Legend Has Retired with Neil Brennan, and it is the second call from that episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi, we know this is a follow-up. That's all we know. So who is this? What was the problem? What did we say? And what did you do?

Well, this is Ashley. And the problem was that I had Cindy, the brain tumor. Oh, right. Well, it's great to hear from you, first of all. Yeah, we made it. We did it. Wow. Nice. Okay. So you had a brain tumor. You gave it a name and you didn't want it to be doom and gloom. You wanted it to be fun. Is that correct?

Correct. Yes. And you are a suggestion. Yep. Yep. Cindy. Um, we threw a retirement party for her, which was very fun. And so walk us through what happened. Walk us through where you're at. And we know it's a good followup. We're talking to you. Yep.

Right, yeah. Surgery, well, we'll start there. I had surgery on July 31st. Everything went well. They got all but two very small pieces of Cindy, is what I was told, which is fine by me. Recovery's going well. Not as fast as I would like it to be going, but here we are. We're still alive. Much to be grateful for. Great. Good for you. So, yeah, that went good. And then the party...

the party was also good. It ended up ultimately being a COVID super spreader event. That's fine. It happens. It happens. It was not great, but the party itself was fun. We

I actually listened to that podcast episode while I was still in the hospital with a friend of my sister. Oh, that's funny. And I realized that we didn't exactly follow what you had suggested. Nobody does. But we did. These follow-ups are humbling. You mentioned that in some of the follow-ups, and I was like, oh, man, we didn't do it. Well, what did you do? We kind of did. Yeah, we kind of did. We had a party, and we took...

Kind of all of your suggestions and just put it into one day. We had a cake. The cake was fun. My friends put together...

a slideshow of just photos of me and them. And then all of the photos where I was just looking like a lunatic or I was bloody for whatever reason. They were just like, that was Cindy that did that. And then we, everybody did like their favorite memories with Cindy, which was mostly all their favorite memories of me also acting crazy or saying or doing crazy things. And

And the cake. We ate food, obviously. We're seeing it now. Oh, we're seeing some pictures of it. Oh, wow, this is great. Oh, yeah, and we did, we, um, we, champagne. We popped champagne. That was very stressful for me. And you shot, you shot arrows. I didn't like that.

We shot arrows in my face. Yes. Not my face. A printout of my face. Well, look, I just, I'm going to, I'm going to wrap this up, but the reality of it is apart from anything else, we are so happy you're doing okay. We are so glad it was a huge win. Uh, you're kicking ass. It's great to hear from you. It feels like this is just a huge victory for you and for us and for everybody. And you're kicking ass. You seem to be doing everything right.

Yeah, honestly, it's great to hear. So, you know, we didn't really do much. And even if we did, you didn't really listen to all of it. Who cares? She had brain surgery and she's winning. I can't make your brain surgery about us. I mean, I could. We can. We can pretty easily, to be honest with you. There's a way. Listen long enough. We'll start doing voices. Honestly, I'm about to do it. You want to do Cindy or you want to do Mr. Bigley? I'll be Mr. Bigley.

But honestly, Ashley, it's awesome that it worked out. So we're really glad and enjoy your recovery. Yeah, thanks, guys. Huge victory for everybody except for Cindy. That's right. That's how we like it. And the bitches for the show. Yes, yeah. We appreciate your help, Jake. Yep, thanks, guys. Thank you very much. All right, bye. Yep, bye. Bye, guys.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.

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All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.