10: Spaghetti Again? with Damon Wayans Jr.
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All right. And here we are, Jake. Another episode of the hit podcast. We're here to help. Episode number is irrelevant, but here we are again.

It's exciting. We have a very special guest for this one. We do. Quickly, you're still in the United Kingdom doing shows. Will you when this airs on Monday? Yeah, I think I'll still have a couple shows left. Give a plug, Garf. Give a plug, Garf. I think you can still go to Birmingham and Bristol, I think. I'll still have shows. But go to garethreynolds.com for all that.

But yeah, so I am. I'm in a very tiny hotel room in London right now. But Jake, a very special guest. Very special. So today's episode, we've got a Damon Wayans Jr. appearance. He is a guy who did the pilot of New Girl and

we were all blown away with how funny he was. His audition was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Max Greenfield and I were in it together with Zoe and he didn't even look at the script. I've never seen anything like it. He just put it down and started improvising and I didn't know that was possible.

Yeah, that confidence is off the charts. But he's very it's it's a very interesting call we have with him. Yeah, he comes in. He kills it. He's always funny. He's always great. We hope he comes back to our show a lot. And then we got another call about a woman whose kid is in school and there's new mandates she's got to deal with.

Yes, it's how does one protest while still towing the line. And we appreciate you guys all listening and posting and rating and reviewing and all that stuff. And emailing us at helpfulpod at gmail.com with any problems we're getting to them. We still have a lot of great guests coming. We just recorded some great episodes, so we really appreciate it. So keep the support up and we'll keep...

sort of solving your problems some of the time. Kevin, play us that. As Deion Sanders would say, play me that theme song.

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Hi. Hi, welcome to the show. We're here to help. Well, thank you. I appreciate you taking the call. Can I get your first name, please? Well, I'm going to use a fake name if that's okay with you. Of course it's fair. As long as it's real to you, what you're saying, we're okay with the details being fake.

All right. So I'm going to use the very popular 1970s name, Jennifer. Jennifer is great. And where are you from, Jennifer? I'm from a small area in north central Arizona. Arizona. I'm not going to say specific because it's a small community. I think that sounds fair. I think that's fair. A lot of privacy. Jennifer, do you feel comfortable saying your age or your zone, or do you want to keep that vague too? Oh, no. I'm 47. 47.

and proud. So 47 Jennifer from Arizona, you are on today with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds, and my special guy, a brother from another, a mister with no sister, a husband?

With no second half of that line, Mr. Damon Waynes Jr. Look at him looking cute on this Zoom. Hi, Jennifer. How you doing? Hey, I'm good. How are you? Here to help. So you got three of us, Jennifer. We're going to try our hardest. We are on your team. We might not lead you correctly, but we are going to try our hardest. So why are you calling today? What you got? Okay. So in the dandruff, hey,

sounding a little full of myself. I've been a high school teacher for about 18 years. This year, I actually became an assistant principal. And so for all that time, I've been having to put up with some pretty rude comments from mostly the boys on my looks.

This has ranged from just weird comments to totally inappropriate comments to my backside being spray painted in an act of vandalism during a senior prank. Your backside, meaning your ass? Yeah. Was spray painted? Wait a second. You got your butt was spray painted?

They spray painted a picture of my butt on my classroom door. And then, Jennifer, just so we can get a taste of what we're dealing with here, what are some of the type of comments? Some of them would straight up ask me what I was doing on the weekend, if they could go out with me. I had one ask if I would be a sugar mama. Oh. So, Jennifer...

It all leans in this. They're attracted to you. Is that the sort of feeling I'm getting? Yeah, that's more than a feeling. If they're asking you out and asking you to be their sugar mama and spray painting your ass. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I understand this. So you're in your high school teacher. The boys are getting a little bit out of control and then get us back on track, please.

So what I need help with is, you know, how do I shut that down with that? I don't want to embarrass them. I don't want to, I don't want to have to, you know, have them talk to a therapist about me later on in life and,

their hangups with relationships because this horrible assistant principal made fun of them at school. But it's inappropriate. And I, you know, in this day and age, I think our young men need to also know how to properly compliment a woman without making it super weird. Okay. So to kind of paraphrase to get us started, these, and tell me if I'm wrong.

But these kids aren't offending you or putting you in a position where you feel unsafe. They're just annoying. Is that correct? They're annoying and it's just gross. Like I'm old enough. Like I have sons their age. Interesting. Okay. So how do we shut these kids up without it becoming a bigger issue and you having to shame them or talk to their parents?

How do we do it in a fun way to get a teenage boy to cool it? Is that correct? Yes, exactly. Why are they spray painting your butt?

I think they thought it was a compliment. It was part of the senior prank. Like, so I know they did a lot of vandalism around the school, but on my door, they wrote like milk and then they spray painted what was a very bad picture of me. So you're in a zone where there you're the hot teacher. Yeah. And it's because now assistant principal and it's becoming a thing. And how do you end it?

without making it a bigger... Obviously, there could be a school-wide email that goes to parents and that would end it. But I don't think... It doesn't sound like that's what you want to do. Yeah, I'm trying not to go there because, I mean, come on. What egomaniac does that? Well, I think...

I don't know. I mean, if it's really happening and you you know, I don't think you'd be like, look, we all know I have an ass that don't quit. But these kids are finally picking you like I feel like you could do this in a way where you're not. She doesn't want to. She wants to. I know she wants to get the kids individually. So I think we should come up with lines. She can say to individual kids. Yeah. That just that murders them a little bit.

A little bit, but not soul crushing. And I figured who's better than two of the snarkiest, funniest guys on the planet. Well, now you got the third. You got Mr. And the third. That was a treat. Yeah.

So I got a question for Gareth and Damon here. Has a, somebody you've ever been making moves on ever rejected you in a way that so quickly stopped you in your tracks? Has there been a line that you, what was something that that person did that just ended the game so quickly that you went like, I remember, I remember, I don't even remember what I was doing. Damon probably has less of these than I do, but man, I have a, I could write a book.

I remember I was at a bar once and I went up to probably three women. And I don't even remember what I said. Something kind of cocky trying to just be like, hey, you know, whatever the party's here. And this woman goes, is every guy in here an idiot? And they all looked at each other. Wow. Yeah, it was bad. And it was it was so bad that it was unrecoverable. It was like an ACL popped.

It was like that I needed the stretcher versus like I could walk it off a little bit. Damon, you got anything, anything jump at you? I'm going to do an impression of Damon. I've never been rejected by somebody. It's just kind of a unique circumstance. So my dad used to do a lot of stand up and all his stand up shows were basically just roasting his family.

And he had one joke where he was saying that as a teenager, I started masturbating a lot. And I think of any excuse to go do that. And so I come home and I'd be like, spaghetti again. I'll be right back. And I go to the bathroom and jerk my heart. Right. And so I was going to hook up with this girl one time. And I think we like kissed twice. And I thought I was going to go further. And then she was like, wait a minute.

Are you the spaghetti guy? And then just started laughing really hard in my face. Her friend came in. It was devastating. Here's a zone I would maybe go in, Jennifer. If somebody says, what are you doing this weekend? I think you could potentially go in the zone of, you know, push it a little bit and go, why do you ask? And they go, because I'd like to, you know, maybe take you out and get them to a point where they're

You ever seen like to catch a predator? Yeah. The Chris Hansen show actually. Yeah. Where the person comes in and they've been doing these like sexually graphic things to a cop.

of what they want to do. And then they get caught. And then the person gets revealed that they have all the stuff that they said, and they're caught looking like a clown. So what I would try to do in terms of something like that is I would make these kids say explicitly more of what they would like to do where you're like, well, what are you going to do this weekend? They go, take you out and go and do what? I'm an assistant principal. I'm 47 years old. You're a 15 year old boy with no pubic hair. What would you, what is your point here? And they go,

Well, I'd like to make love to you under the moonlight. And you go, well, wonderful. I've recorded that on my phone. I'm going to send this to your parents and see what your mother and father think, Carl. Yeah.

And then go, you want me to be your sugar mama? Yeah. And why? What would I get if I paid your bills? Well, you would get five foot nine of like hot loving all night. And you go, great. Thanks, Fred. So that's been recorded. So why don't I send that to your parents? Get some feedback from them on your hot loving. And then we'll see what we can do. And I think word will spread that Jennifer's recording all this. She's a cop.

and not afraid to send it to parents yeah i mean is that out of line what do you guys even if you don't send it just no you never send it you don't have to record it you could just yeah you don't put your phone up but get them talking so if somebody just goes like what's up milf you go like this hold on hold on hold on come back come back come back and they go yeah get them one-on-one away from their friends because young guys are really cool and confident in packs

way less one-on-one. Absolutely. So if they're with their group and you couldn't get one-on-one, then go, and what is it you would like to do? And they would go, with you and me? Yeah, yeah, please. I'm going to record this. So what is it you want to do with a 47-year-old assistant principal? And these little boys will... Oh, man. Go shit their pants. Go shit their pants. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so I got to break them off the pack, single them out. Yeah.

divide the group one-on-one, but also get them talking. I would also do this. I've heard that when you meet Steve Martin and people ask for an autograph, he hands you a business card that says, I met Steve Martin.

What if you could Vistaprint up some cards that say, you're a little boy, I'm a grown woman, stop. That's a great idea, Gareth. So you could go on Vistaprint, and when you get some of these little shits doing this thing, you could very simply just start handing out cards that maybe are...

you know, legalized enough where you're not saying anything in print too bad, but you just shut them down. Stop being inappropriate. You're a little boy. I'm 47. You're weird. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. You're a weird little boy. Cool it. Just get 50, a hundred of them made up. I'm old enough to be your mom. I think is all it has to say. That's a, I'm old enough to be a, but also give a little dig. I'm old enough to be your mom. Stop being weird. You little boy, something that also stings so that they can't show it to their, so they can't show it to their friends and be like, dude, I got a, I'm old enough to be your mom card. That's amazing. Yeah.

You want him to feel like I'm ashamed because I'm a little creep.

You know, like, so I'm old enough to be your mom, you little weirdo perv. I like stop being weird. Stop being weird is kind of like a good little tag to have, like, so that people know that if you get the stop being weird, it's time to shut the fuck up. Yes, but you don't want it to be a badge of honor. You don't want someone to be a legend for getting a card from the assistant principal. There's got to be a teeny bit of shame in getting a card. Stop being weird is shameful.

Depends on the kids. It depends on the kids. But Damon Wayne Jr.'s story about being the spaghetti masturbator, that's shameful. Spaghetti masturbator's tough. So if there's something about it where it's the equivalent of that card is basically saying, stop masturbating about me. Stop.

So that they can't show it to girls and be like, oh my God, Trevor's a legend. It's like, no, he pretends to eat spaghetti and masturbates. He's a weirdo. He's a little perv. He's like, he's got his hormones too much and it's fucking yuck, dude. So,

I would say the card, Jennifer, just put a little bit of vinegar in there and think of a little bit of humiliation, but don't do it. So it's also kind of cute for them and you can't go too far. So you don't get in trouble.

Yeah, I love my job. I don't want to get fired. I don't want to have to appear in front of a school board. We don't want that on our hands either. Damon, anything jumping out to you before we start wrapping it up? No, I think those are really good options. I think the card thing is hilarious and also extremely, extremely embarrassing for the kids. I don't know. Yeah, I think you need to act on that as soon as possible.

Well, it's also it's just like at that age. I mean, you're as a boy, you are just firing on all fucking cylinders like you are just it's it's. Yeah, but no, you look, I remember having hot teachers. Oh, yeah. I never said anything.

No, no, never. I remember thinking it, but these kids aren't thinking it. These kids are bold enough to act on it. And that's yeah, no, you got to nip it in the bud. If you're a teenage boy and there's an assistant teacher. Yeah, but guess what? So let him be hot and whisper to your friends like little nerds and be like, dude, what what I wouldn't do to her and nothing. You wouldn't do anything to her. Cool. You little geek.

This group is taking it over the line. I agree. And so, Jennifer, you got to win here and you got to silence them. So the advice that's coming out of this camp for me is make them isolate them one on one. Record them. Get them saying stuff that's humiliating them and reminding them that they're all afraid of their mothers and they're all little dorks. Gareth's advice is to create a card.

That shames them a little and basically says, I see what you're doing and you're a little pervo. And Damon's advice is don't have your dad do standup where he mentions how much you masturbate in high school because it will kill your game. So at the end of this, we like to ask the caller what you think you're going to do. So,

You think you're going to take any of this advice? If so, what, if not, what are you going to do? I think I'm going to start with Jake's advice. I think that was really solid. Just kind of get them to start saying things out loud, show them how ridiculous they are and then scare the shit out of them. Great. By saying I recorded it and I'm going to tell their mom. Um, if that doesn't work and I, and this is so weird. I actually have this to print open. I was working on business cards and,

Just yesterday. So it feels like the Lord is speaking to us. Absolutely. I mean, if if J-Town is here, he is in my Vista print right now. So I might have to have a few of those handy just in case the the first step doesn't work.

And if not, maybe I'll try to convince some of their dads to do some stand-up and tell me their deepest, darkest masturbation secrets. Jennifer, thank you for the call. We wish you luck. Thank you so much. Keep us posted. Let us know if it improves. All right, will do. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thanks.

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Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You're on with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Can we get...

Your name, your age, and where you're calling from real quick. Sure. My name is Rose. I'm calling from Maryland, and I'm 32. Yeah, 32. You weren't sure about that, it seems like? I just, you know, I'm in that kind of age. Is that what the call's about? Yeah. How do I have an exciting birthday in my early 30s?

That's your question? No, no, no, no. I'm just kidding. That's not my question. Well done. You're vamping well. You're a good vamper. Okay, Rose, you're probably 32. You're in Maryland. And what's the problem? What can we help you with? So my problem is related to a daycare policy at my son's daycare. I don't know if you guys have a good pulse on the daycare policy.

vibe that's going on in 2023. But it's crazy out there. How old is your son quickly? He is 10 months. 10 months. Okay. Okay. Yeah. No, I'm not really up to speed. I just have a cat. So I don't really know what's going on with daycare. Rose, I know a little bit about the world. Okay. Was it the wild, wild west when your kids were in daycare? It is always the wild, wild west, but I think it's always has been.

So walk me through what's happening in Maryland with you. So we found a place. We really like it. We were able to get in, got them there at

12 weeks once my maternity leave ended. And they're nice. They're really awesome. The other kids there love him. It's a family care center. So like less than 10 kids close to our house, whatever. It's great. They opened like six months before we started. So this summer, we got a notification that summer programming was going to end

The eighth or the ninth, whatever tomorrow is, the Friday. And then school, quote unquote, school starts on Monday, the 11th. And with that, they need to start wearing uniforms Monday through Thursday, dressed down on Friday. Yeah. A uniform for a 10 month old baby. What? What the fuck? A diaper. He told me. Put that little baby in a tuxedo. Baby tuxedo. Yeah.

Or, like, is their uniform big? Because, like, my man has two teeth. Yeah, but also, like, at 10 months old, they're not even really wearing shoes. He's not even walking. So, like, I'm going to put him in a uniform and he's going to be literally crawling on the ground. And what is the uniform they want? Khaki pants, red shirt. Wait, khaki pants and a red shirt? What? What? That is...

Okay. There are so many. By the way, that's adorable. A uniform in general is just such a wild ask, but then for you to consider a red shirt and khaki pants a uniform. It's tough because it's going to be so cute. Like, he's going to look so cute in it, but it is not. Rose, what's that baby's name? I'm going to call him Harry. Harry. Okay. I get you. You don't want to get kicked out of the school. Yeah, exactly.

I'm trying to remember when my kids were 10 months, but does Harry wear pants or is it just like weird sweat pant things? Yeah. It's, I mean, he wears soft pants. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like shorts. I remember those. Exactly. Like he doesn't have a button or a zipper on him. It's all pulled up. He doesn't have teeth. He can't, he doesn't have solid bones.

He doesn't have kneecaps yet. You're putting a uniform on a marshmallow. You cannot order a being on what it can wear if it doesn't have kneecaps. That's just law. When you've gone back to the school on this, Rose, because I'm assuming there's older kids, right? Yeah. So he is the youngest. Yeah. So the older kids, it makes a little bit more sense. Have you brought it up? The fact that Harry's 10 months old?

So my husband and I, like, we got the little notification about it. And we were like, this is, we must not be understanding this, right? Like, this makes absolutely no sense. Of course, I go back and look at all of the, like, paperwork, our registration. There's nothing in there. So, like, I'm getting all, like, heated about it. But I don't want to cause a scene. Like, I don't want to be that parent. Also, you don't want to get heated about this. We're talking about baby uniforms. I know.

And also your son's not going to remember. So, you know, it's not like he's being traumatized. No, definitely not. So when we went, the next time I saw her, I just tried to like casually bring it up. And her response was just like, I felt like I was,

stupid for not knowing there'd be a uniform. She was like, yeah, it'll be this and he'll start. And this is what it is. And you can buy it at these places and you can start on September when everyone else does, or you can wait until his birthday when he turns one. And I was just like, uh, okay, thanks. And walked out because I felt so like shocked by the whole concept. Garth, believe it or not, but I got advice.

I'm ready to start. Well, can I, can I give one, can I give you one parameter? We're not leaving. We're for sure staying at the daycare. Right. It's just a matter of, do we like push back? Do we have to wait till he's older? No, my, my advice is going to help you stay.

Okay. Well, why don't you jump in, Jake? You put a uniform on a 10 month old baby. The first thing that's going to happen is you and your husband are going to die laughing. Shopping for him will create big laughs. Putting him in the pant, little khaki pants and shoes will be incredible. And then you drop off that tornado at a daycare and say, I hope he's wearing his uniform when I pick him up. Cause I'll tell you what's going to happen when he starts walking. Yeah.

I don't know if they make khakis for a kid that size. So when he's crawling around, they're going to fall off. And then his shirt is going to be covered in food and dirt and spit. And they're going to say, yeah, he's filthy. You go, well, he's 10 months old.

What we had before was an, you know, a big bib. You want this? Go for it. It might just be that it might be a good opportunity to show them why their policy will fail just by doing. I mean, a red shirt, a black shirt. All right. That's going to hide some stuff. I mean, a red shirt. You're going to see it all. Might I add to it? If you do feel a little bit like.

This is a little unfair of an ask. Maybe when you drop them off, you and your husband drop them off at the same time together. And you guys roll in there with khakis and red shirts, too, just to show that you're maybe going overboard with the ask.

Rose, honestly, I think this could be an easy one and a fun one for you and your husband. I say lean deep into the uniform. Don't fight it. Who cares? They just started this school six months ago. Well, they're wrong. It's not going to make any sense. They're going to learn. They will learn through this error. But if you make a big fight on this, then they're going to have to dig their hands in the dirt and make a line and go, no, no, no. All

All babies wear uniforms. And at home, they're going to go, why the fuck do we have all these babies in uniforms? It's the dumbest thing. I mean, I just can't even... Like, if I saw a group of babies in uniform, I'd be like, this is problematic. I would die laughing. I would salute every baby. Saluting is a great idea. Might I add, maybe, if you want...

Throw a red beret on the kid just to really be like, you guys have just made a fool of us. Paint a mustache on his lip. Give him a little mustache. Maybe send him to class with an easel. Or put a name tag on him that says, hi, my name is Harry. Happy to help. Little mustache. A visor.

Turn him into a little account. Drop him off at Target. Yeah, honestly, I say lean into the phone. Why don't you get him a wallet? Put a little wallet in his little cat's pants too. With a little baby ID and like a little baby credit card. Just show it like, be like this is an adult. Rose, lean into the bit on this one. And.

And every day when either you or your husband drop them off, add another funny thing to his uniform. He will have no idea. The photos will live forever in your family. Eventually, you'll get an email from the administration saying we've decided that uniforms will start at three years old and you get to write back. Sounds great. Thanks, everybody. Loving the school. I have a I have a devilish double down just in case you want it at home.

You know, you're going to need a few of these fucking red shirts. That's what we're saying. Like now we have to buy dress down day clothes and uniforms. So how about you give one with a lot of stains and,

and just one day send them in, like two weeks into this policy, send them in with a very stained red one, and just let them think that's kind of accruing under their watch, under their guide. I really get you because the more I think about this ask, the more it is actually kind of like making me agitated. It is crazy. It's just like I understand if they're like, hey, at three we want kids in uniforms, but this is just a ludicrous lunatic ask.

But I think what we said is right. I mean, you do what you can. Yeah.

Lean in. I am really not opposed to the idea of you and your husband showing up there in the same outfit just to be like, we've full-on taken indoctrination. But what are you going to do? I mean, at the end of the day, if it's good daycare, it's good daycare. There's bigger problems that you could run into if you try to leave, you know? Yeah, I think we're going to... I have some friends who maybe could give me, like, hand-me-down baby khakis, but I think I'm just going to buy the, like,

baby pants that are khaki colored and put a red t-shirt on him and call it a day. Maybe the visor, who knows? But definitely. That sounds great. Will you send us a photo of your son when he's in full uniform for the, uh, your little, your little businessman, they get school photos in a couple of weeks. So we will blur out all the faces.

By the way, I know we're done here, but if I worked at a daycare center and there were 10 babies that all dressed the same, I'd be like, you've made my job way worse. I don't know which fucking baby is which baby.

How about their faces, Garrett? Well, have you ever seen the kids walking around like babies on a rope? Now they're going to be all out there in their little matching outfits. Yes. And Jake, stop. Maybe you think you could identify babies from a lineup. To me, there's like three baby faces, and they're just replicated through the baby world. I'm not sitting there going like, hey, Steve. All right, there's little Larry baby. Rose, thank you for the call.

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That was a HeadGum Podcast.