1: The Quest of Wilhelmina
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Hello, everybody, and welcome to the podcast. This is a new podcast from myself, Jake Johnson, and Mr. Dr. Gareth Reynolds. Hi, everybody. I'll be the PhD. No, I'm a regular guy.

I think everybody assumed that you were a regular guy. People who are like, this guy sounds clinical. That's true. You're right. We're at the same spot. And the name of the podcast is We're Here to Help. And the premise of this podcast is go, Garfield. Basically, we get calls with problems and we do our best to offer advice and hopefully help solve them.

But we really make no guarantees. We're very clear about that. We might be way off base. It might be bad advice. But we like to say we're kind of like your tipsy uncles at a bar. I think that's correct. And we've done a bunch of these already. We're doing the intro after we've taken about 40 odd calls. And what we've realized is the more serious the call is,

the less likely it is we can help. And the more trivial and ridiculous the problem, then you got to fight and chance with us. Because if you're listening to this for actual advice or for human growth,

or to learn something, I do believe you've come to the wrong place. Yeah. So, you know, as we're doing this, we definitely want more people to reach out. And so if you really, I mean, if you have a problem and it's serious to you, that is really what matters to us. Even if it seems trivial or strange, we have an email. It's heretohelp at gmail.com. That is not it, Garfield. It's we're here to help. What is it?

Helpful pod. Helpful pod at gmail.com. So this is a perfect example of how this podcast is going. We had one goal in this intro. Come on. That was just... Let's keep it tight. The email is helpfulpod at gmail.com. That is helpfulpod.com.

at gmail.com and it actually i now know why nobody's responding to me from that email because i i've been emailing the show a bunch and kind of wondering what the hell is going on but i guess i've been hitting the wrong one so the idea of this kind of podcast is for our callers even if you're in the wrong we're on your team and we're gonna help try to get you out of it and

And that's kind of been the fun of this podcast so far. Yeah, I think sometimes even with our own personal advice to each other, sometimes it's either it's good to prove what you want to do to someone or it's good to hear a bad take to go. Yeah, you know, my take's not that awful. So maybe our advice is the bad advice, but it helps. And then what we've also done on this that we've really enjoyed is some of our callers keep calling back and following up.

So, um, you're going to see certain journeys, which have turned out to be really funny. And, uh,

Yeah, we hope you check out our podcast and all that. You're already checking it out. Gareth, get us out of here, buddy. Get us out of here. Well, I'm the guy who doesn't know the email, so relax. I think, you know, the best thing to do with this sort of stuff is, you know, share the podcast, subscribe to the podcast. We're going to do it every week. And yeah, and if you have a problem, it's helpfulpod at gmail.com, despite what some people are saying.

And yeah, we're really excited. We really think the show is super fun. So thank you for listening. So now get ready for our first caller. And now you're about to hear some very cool transition music.

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So this is Jake and Gareth. You're on We're Here to Help, and we are here to try to help. So can we start with your first name, please? Yes, I'm Shannon. Shannon. How you doing, Shannon? Hi, Shannon. I'm doing splendid. How about your guys? Good. Good. And where are you from, Shannon? I'm from Bloomington, Indiana. Sure. That's where you're living now? Uh-huh. Why are you calling in today? What can we try to help you with?

I'm trying to achieve some level of nerd clout.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my friends. You've already got it. You've already done it. Thank you. Call over, Shannon. You've won. You've won. No, no, no. That's in-level. Okay, you're right. I need to get the clout. Okay. And in order to get clout in Dungeons and Dragons, you have to have like a raw theater kid energy.

Okay. That I believe personally is enhanced greatly by having a passable accent. Oh, wow. I think all this is right. Yeah. I've decided to give my character a German accent and I practiced and I was under the impression that it was a passable German accent. Okay. First of all, where is your accent that you're using right now? Is that an Indiana accent? It feels very Southern.

I think it's just white trash accent. Okay, because I'm from Chicago and I've been all throughout Indiana and this feels like a lot for Indiana. I thought you were the Dungeons and Dragons character until you revealed you were going German.

Yeah, I'm really doing method. Okay. All right. We're loving this, Shannon. So this is your natural accent. You're very Southern and you have a, you're looking to get more cloud in the nerd community of D and D. You have a German accent as your character. You feel like it's playing. Okay. Is that, are we all caught up to there? Yeah. Keep going, please. I'm consumed with the delusion that I'm doing a good job.

And according to my friends at the table, it leans more Muppety than German, which is not really the flavor I'm going for. I suppose if I started with the intention of having a Muppet character, then I'd be thrilled. But since that wasn't the direction I was going for, it was a bit disappointing.

I'll bottom line the worst case and then we'll try to get the best case. But the worst case is your character is now a Muppet. But let's go. Nobody, nobody wants that. So first of all, before we hear the accent, can you describe your character a little bit? Can you tell us about her?

Yeah. So I've created her as sort of an anti-Frankenstein, where, you know, Frankenstein... She's made from living parts. Well, Frankenstein, he's afraid of death, so he seeks to conquer death by reanimating a corpse.

My anti-Frankenstein, she absolutely hates necromancers. And if she sees a ghost or a zombie... Well, yeah. I mean, it's pretty... She's like an everywoman. She hates zombies. She hates necromancers, hates ghosts. I just want to be clear. This show, both of us, we're anti-necromancer. I think most people are. Yeah, I think that pulls high. So you've created a character that's just German. Yeah. Yeah.

So she likes going for walks. Yeah. So what else about this German anti-Frankenstein can we learn? She's still a doctor, Dr. Not Frankenstein. And she is supposed to have something of a severe German, I don't know, imagine like the meanest gymnastics coach you know. Oh, she's tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's tough.

So you're kind of like, you're like a dominant figure in the game. But a Muppet. And you're not meant to be a Muppet, to be clear. Not meant to be a Muppet. So your question, your reason for calling in is help with the accent? Yes, because the Muppet that I'm bringing to the table does not align with the level of like edgy goth.

that I'm going for. So then let me ask you a quick question before we get into it. I can't wait to hear it. Jake, you're really edging me right now. I need to set the table. I'm sorry. Okay. So the other players at the table you play with, what are their characters?

It's a school setting. So we have, you know, a bard and a goblin bard and an orc cleric and a barbarian, you know. Yeah. So I mean, just so far, everything that I would picture if I picture a school. Yeah. But do they do are any of them from anywhere in Europe?

No, no, they're all from they're all from Indiana. They're all American. OK, so their voices are just so you decided, Shannon, what I'm going to add to this group of goblins, American goblins, American goblins is some German flair. Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. Here's the thing. Talk to us. I'm not the only one going for the theater kid nerd clout here. So three of us decided we were going to try for an accent. One person hit the ejector seat so instantly.

Just so, so instantly got one sentence out and was like, I can't. It's not there. God bless them. Where were they from? Yeah. She was trying to do a Southern accent. And she's from the South. You have a Southern accent. The lines are crossed here. This is. Okay. So she tried to do Southern and said no. She jumped ship so immediately. Just instantly. What was the other one? And then.

An Irish accent that does lean Shrek a little bit, but it's actually pretty solid most of the time. So she sticks with the Irish. Yes. And how does the group respond to her?

I think because of the success of the accent, her character has become like the team leader cool kid of the group. You live in a movie plot. This is Dungeon. You are. Right now, this is your lower tier character. This is a nightmare, Shannon. What's the Irish person's name? The character or the person? Let's go both. Character first? The character is Tuk-Tuk. Tuk-Tuk?

Yeah, you heard that. And the Irish tube talk is played by what's this enemy's name? What's a tube? Abby. We hate Abby. Yes. OK, so Abby is an Irish tube talk in everybody loves to. I could listen to Jake pretend that he's got this casual tube talk. Now, is he even saying it right? Is that is he saying it right?

It ends in a soft G. Okay, so it's more like a tube talk. She's the Irish one. Tube talk, yeah, so Irish, really. Now, and then Shannon, your German character, what's your character's name? Wilhelmina. Wilhelmina. Wilhelmina. Wilhelmina, yes. Do you run your German accent by anybody before the first game?

No, you do what you do is just like kind of panicked. Watch a bunch of YouTube videos. And then you did some research. Yeah, I OK. I actually listened to several episodes of the Dalek podcast where there's a German character. And I was like, I'll try to do this.

That's probably one of your early mistakes because it's a little like when you do an impression you saw someone do on SNL. You're doing an impression of oppression. It's a copy of a copy. You're getting further and further away from an origin source.

So my German accent has been categorized as offensive or inaccurate. So the fact that you're doing that is not a great start. But okay, so you did do some homework, which I like. Yes. And so when you create, so you do some homework, you feel confident in, you have found the voice of Wilhelmina.

You know her look. You get to the table. Tupac is killing it. Absolutely crushing it. Everybody's frigging loving it. Let's be honest, Shannon. You wish you could just strangle Abby's head off. Yeah. You're hating Abby. Kill baby Shrek. Yeah, and her little Irish accent. And her character, in your opinion, is weaker than Vilamina. Is this correct? Yeah.

This is correct. Okay. Very leading stuff from Mr. Johnson, might I add. The prosecuting attorney in the Vilamina case. Shannon, am I out of line here? Have I said anything you disagree with? Well, talk to me. Vilamina could beat Tuk-Tuk in a fight. I do believe that because he is a goblin and he's three feet tall. In a fight, Vilamina would kill Tuk-Tuk. But he's prom king.

Can I just say at the beginning of this call, if I thought Jake was going to say Vilamina could kill Tuk-Tuk in a fight, I would have been like, this call is going to be abnormal. Let me ask. Let me just say this. And I want to make it crystal clear. I hate Tuk-Tuk. Thank you. I hate that little goblin three foot prom king. First of all, it's part of our demographic are tiny goblins. You're blowing that up. Let me get back to you, Shannon.

When did you introduce Vilhelmina's voice? Was this a week ago, a month ago, a year ago? Where are we at timeline? Three sessions ago. Okay. And when you first did it, how was the response from the others?

I think I was saved by our one friend absolutely just completely shitting the bed first thing. That's great. So all of the ridicule went to her. She got one sentence in and called it a day. Fair. Great. That really saved me. So when I strolled in like full German Muppet, it was like almost an afterthought. And

And so I mean, we've got to hear it. We will. We will. We will. We will. I'm just dying. I need a little bit more backstory. All right. OK, so doctor. So so you do the accent. And what's the what's the person's name with the southern accent who failed? Rachel. Rachel. Sorry, Rachel. You're out. Failed. So Rachel fails. Abby crushes. And you're somewhere in the middle.

Yes. And so you've now done three sessions and let's be honest, Vilamina just ain't getting the attention that Vilamina deserves. Is this what the call is about? So right now you're living in two, in two tax world and Vilamina is just a weird German. You've really committed to a voice that maybe you're feeling a little embarrassed to be doing a whole accent when nobody's even giving Vilamina attention. Is there any truth to this? Your honor?

it's less embarrassment because if you're playing Dungeons and Dragons already, you have to be beyond that to a certain extent. Much respect. Much respect. Tell that to Abby, but okay. I would say there is, there is a burning seething jealousy, but that's, you know. And so are you looking to have Vilhelmina take over the game? Do you want the feisty German to be the number one player?

My goal is not to be the main character. I don't want to be like, you know, the chosen one or anything. My goal is to just have theater kids nerd clout. So I don't want people, when people speak about this campaign, I don't want them to think, man, Tupac was really great. I want them to say Tupac and Wilhelmina. They were both really great. Understood. You want to get to Tupac's level. Yes. Okay.

Well, great. I personally feel ready to hear Vilamina. Do you, Gareth? I'm about to Venmo someone to get this. So, Shannon, could you do us a favor? And there's one thing about Gareth and I that we believe in 100 percent. And that is and I think you're going to be just fine with this, but that's full commitment.

So the only thing is have no shame. Failure is not an option. Can we get your best Vilamina delivering something about the game? And I know it's weird. You're on a call. But can you overly commit and give us the truth? And if you need a couple sentences to kind of ramp into it, don't feel like we're just saying one line. You can give us a few sentences here. Okay. Oh, boy. Well...

I guess I have to accept that this is going to be immortalized on the Internet forever, huh? Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you did call. I did. You know what, Shannon? I'm tired of talking to Shannon. I would love to talk to Vilamina. All right. But Vilamina, can you keep it in D&D language and game? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. All right.

My name is Wilhelmina von Leiber. I am a medical student. Hold on, it's excellent. Right from the beginning. Way better than we expected. Way better than I thought. Yeah, keep going. A medical student. My best friend to talk. I find him slightly insufferable. But you have to admit his Irish accent is quite exceptional. So I got a note for you. First of all,

Yeah. Bravo. In every way. Way to go. Shannon, I know why you're not getting the attention you deserve. And it's not that it's too Muppety. It's too subtle. Oh. You know what you sound like? A real German woman in an office.

What? I feel like I'm in Berlin and I'm checking into someplace and they say the doctor's ready for you. And I go in there and she says, your test results are fine. You have too much sodium. And I go, great. That's who I'm hearing, Vilamina. What I'm not hearing is Vilamina, the anti-Frankenstein. Oh. Garrett, am I right here? Am I out of line, Garrett? No, you're not out of line. You normally are, but you're not out of line here. Here's the thing.

You're a character, so you can really character this up. Now, Rachel was the one who had the Southern failure? Yeah, Rachel failed. She's the failure. Okay, so Rachel's gone. I think that maybe that scarred you a little, that you definitely have the field to play around a little bit. Those Ws being Vs, very good.

going for some sort of version of Z, you know what I mean? I might be leading you in a Muppet-y direction. I think you're right, Gareth. Also, is there anything that Villamina, would she ever yell a word?

Right? Is there anything that would go, and I don't have a German accent, but something of the, I am in the third grade! This is my time! I'm in the third grade! Yes. Now, let me ask you a question, Shannon. Are we on a line here, or deep down are you going, holy shit, Vilamina is coming to life? And I want the truth on your answer. As someone who's really trying to embody that gay theater kid energy, I'm really feeling

picking up what you're putting down yeah because what you're doing right now in my opinion can you give me a taste of a tube talk your best version of tube talk i just do you have any can i mean you hear it all the time it's in your fucking dreams you think about two times probably 16 hours a day we know you do shannon so can you just that's that's 30 on jake saying tube talk just for those of you keeping track so can you just give us a little taste of tube talks energy

Oh, God. Oh, what are you guys doing over there? Is that a fucking owlbear? Yeah, exactly. Way more exciting. So I already liked, I like Tube Talk more than Vilamina. You want to know what I wish Vilamina, and I'm going to tell you why, Shannon. Because what Vilamina should do is walk you on your way to meet the great Tube Talk.

So if you get to the castle, Vilamina can walk me to Tube Talk. So now can we really quickly pretend that Vilamina is the star of the show and how that might sound? Go for it. This is a safe space, even though it's being recorded for broadcast. But Shannon, this is not the moment to be shy. This is the moment to be over the top.

This is for us to go a little less. This is, you know, yeah, go for it. Okay. Even I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth right now. That's what we're hoping. That's what we like. God damn it. You know what's going to come out of your mouth is Vilamina. There we go. There we go. I don't want Shannon. I want Vilamina. All right, Jake. All right. Jesus. Put Shannon to bed and let Vilamina grab the sword. Vilamina, anything to say?

Listen here, you fucking skeleton. I will send you back to the bowels of hell where you belong. You don't fucking move, you skeleton. You lay, you rot, you die. That's great. It's great. Yes, but also, but even more. So here, I'm sorry, Gareth, I have to. I have to. Go, go. And I know the next caller's here. I know we're, but Shannon. This is important.

You are right there, but you need to put even more emphasis on certain words. So your emotion, your energy is right. Go nuts. It's Vilamina is a maniac. Vilamina is the scariest of the land. So if you get too loud, let tube talk, shaking his little three foot pants. Well, that those pants would be the whole body, but I get the point. I'm fine. His, his,

Foot and a half. What is it? The torso. Yeah. I find his, his inseams that are under two feet. I want to touch shaken. So if there's a word that has meaning, put a little goddamn heat in it. Villa Mina. Ain't no joke. Villa Mina is not Shannon trying to be Villa Mina. You are not Villa Mina anymore.

I got to tell you, Shannon, I've had enough of you, but I am just meeting a wild German named Vilamina. And the longer you think Shannon and Vilamina are one thing,

The longer we ain't playing D&D. So can I hear a fired up Villa Mina, please? And can I hear something like scream at times, quiet at times? Let the accent get, you know, in gray areas. Gareth, you got anything to add? Well, I was just going to say, what Jake's saying is we want you to Villa Mina it. So go ahead.

Collect yourself after a fantastic pun and then let her rip. Velamina, here's what I'd like you to say. Velamina, here's what I'd like you to say. And I want you to yell words that you think you need and I want as hot as you can get. Can you say, we are here to help with Gareth and Jake as Velamina. Okay. Okay. We are here to help with Gareth and Jake.

What the fuck was the Jake? No, Jake, I love it. Hold on, Jake. I love it. I think it's great that it dropped off. Jake is a tough word in any language, and I love that. Hold on. Hold on, Jake. You had your turn. All right. I think that's great. And let me tell you, I would say Scottish accent is among the ones that I'm proudest of.

And how that started was my brother and I just said for a summer we were only going to talk to each other in Scottish accents. So part of this is the path will sort of form in front of you. Keep going with the commitment level that Director Johnson has pushed you to do. And I think you'll find confidence is a lot of this. These are not German people you're sitting around a table with. These are fellow Indianians. So just...

Stick with that, with that intensity. That's going to cover a lot of the tracks. I already found improvement, Jake. Me too, big time. I got to say, we think you're doing a great job. Possibly, if it's possible, we would love to get you and Tuk-Tak on this together in character. Yeah, let's settle the beef. We can do, people want Biggie and Tupac. We've got Vilamina and Tuk-Tak. It's the fight of the year. We all know it. Shannon, do you feel...

that we've helped you at all, and are you closer to understanding Vilamina? I feel like you've helped me in ways I didn't even know I needed to be helped. Well, that's what this goddamn podcast is all about. Thank you for the call, Shannon. We'll talk to you really soon. Thank you, Shannon. All right. Thank you very much. Bye now. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.