Victoria Jackson
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All right. Well, let me try to break this down for you, Dana. BetMGM, which is also, you know, at BetMGM on your, you know, all your socials. I was talking to Arnold about that and he said, yeah, at BetMGM. I go, what? He says, you got to go to the socials at BetMGM, right, David?

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And you blew it. But you get another chance. The first sports book born in Vegas. Thank you, Mr. President. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to gamble responsibly. See BetMGM.com for terms. 21 plus only. This U.S. promotional offer not available in Ontario.

If you got a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER. Available in the U.S. For New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text

Hope and why that's four, six, seven, three, six, nine. For Arizona call 1-800-NEXT-STEP for Massachusetts 1-800-327-5050 for Iowa 1-800-BETS-OFF for Puerto Rico 1-800-981-0023 subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas crossing casino and hotel. Hey David, why do you want to learn a new language and where would you use it? Or how would it come in handy?

Well, if I tour the road, I would go to mostly English places, but sometimes I want to go to these other countries and I do feel a little insecure about going without knowing a language. And it's, it's never too late, but it's also never too early. I mean, when I, I should have done more when I was younger. This is Rosetta Stone we're talking about. And

You should try to get in on this quickly because you probably learn quicker when you're younger. Definitely. You learn about cultural appreciation. You appreciate cultures when you start to learn a language and go to the culture. And also it's good for your brain, David. It does wake up your brain. Like I, I do like to study stuff about comedy and when I'm on the road and trying to memorize stuff, but yeah,

Definitely don't use the brain like that anymore. And I think it wakes it up and it's very good for you. You know, like you travel more. If I even go to Mexico, which is very close. I don't know if you know where it is, Dana. It's straight down from here. Straight down. I thought that was Hungary on our border. You thought it was Canada or Chechnya. Yeah, Canada is up and then Chechnya is down. Anyway, I'll look it up.

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For 50% off, visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, folks. Unlimited access, 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. Dana, we have an old favorite who is there today.

Both of us, mostly you, but also with me. The overlap to you, five years with me and then you. Victoria Jackson. The one and only Victoria Jackson. We had a great chat with her. She is so fun and bubbly and I think very memorable from the show because we all sort of had a crush on her. She's very nice, very sweet.

She seemed like such a down to earth young lady. Yeah. I mean, I think in the early days people might think it's a character she's playing, but she's exactly the same person on TV, not on TV. And she does some really funny songs with a ukulele with her style and singing about different topics. Oh yeah. And they're really, really funny. So I'd stay tuned for those. And she's just a kick in the pants, just a,

Yeah, there's a lot about her I did not know. And we really just cracked up. And she's so sweet about everything. I remember I did a few sketches with her. You obviously did more, but what a sweetheart. And also, but they should know, the audience should know that right after we did this,

about a week later, she did announce she's having some health problems and that's why we don't address it. But I think that's up to her. So, but we just had a great chat with someone we are fond of. Yes. And hopefully you'll laugh along with her. Yes. And we wish her all the best. And I just enjoyed talking to her so much. I'm so glad we got her on the show. So enjoy the one and only

Victoria Jackson. Don't mind my scruff. Don't mind my age. Age? You don't have a line in your face. I don't know what you're... I want to meet your dermatologist. I have a ring light and I have a filter. Oh, you have a filter too. Oh, you look great. I didn't... I couldn't... That couldn't afford a filter. This is raw.

I can't afford a ring light. I just lit my room on fire. This is just raw. It's got a nice glow. I love you guys' show. It makes me feel 28 again when I listen to you guys. Really? Okay. I'm trying to make my voice young. Well, isn't that special? We're so happy to have you because we were there, you and I, together for six freaking years. I know. Remember? Yeah.

Were you the whole run with Dana, Victoria? I was 86 to 92. I stayed one more year over there. Yeah. Embarrassing. And we always got along great. You were the nicest person in the cast to me. When David came, he was with Spade and Farley and Sandler all the time. So I didn't get to see him that much. But when he first came, he asked me to be in a picture with him for his mom.

I was in that picture, I think. Oh, that magazine cover. It was very sweet. You were so sweet. How much you loved your mom. I love to watch your show. It's so fun. I mean, listen, I don't I never see people on it, though.

I just hear them. Well, we have a second podcast. We called it Superfly. That comes out on Fridays on YouTube. Yes, I watch it. I saw Lovitz on it. Hello. You saw Lovitz. I saw Lovitz. I just try to always do Lovitz right back to Lovitz, no matter what he says. Do you remember when we used to hang out? For a period of time,

Wait, aren't you supposed to save this for the show? No, this is the show. This is all the show. Did we start? Yeah. Yeah, we're almost done. We started an hour ago. No, no. What we do, as you know, is we record your intro, and then we just come in and we're talking now. Good. I like raw. There's no rules. Yeah, you did everything right. You can say anything, do anything. I don't know if we'll be able to hear it. It's a ukulele, right? Yeah.

It's the Dana and David show. Fly on the wall. Buzz, buzz, swat. For you. Wait, it's the wrong key. Okay, try again. It's the Dana and David show. Fly on the wall. Buzz, buzz, swat.

That's actually so silly. It's actually great. Buzz, buzz, swat. I love it. Buzz, buzz, swat. Buzz, buzz, swat. You know, all that kind of stuff. Well, isn't that special?

You know, Victoria, when I came on there with Spade and Farley and Sandler. With yourself. We all kind of had a crush on Victoria, to be honest. Of course. Really? Who didn't? I have to say, all the girls were very, very attractive, and they were very talented. And so coming in new, even though they weren't really much older than us, but you're new, and so they're above you because they're cast members, but...

it was a little intimidating around all of them. I was intimidated about everyone because these were giant talents. And when Dana, hang out the most with Dana and Kevin and Lovitz, because Kevin's office was next to mine and they would spend hours making each other laugh and trying new bits. And I was just in there laughing. I couldn't come up with one. What do you call it? What do you

I couldn't come up with one tag. And then it would be inventing Hans and Franz. And I'd be like, yeah, I couldn't. I had no idea how to make up a character. And the weirdest thing is I haven't been on the show for 30 plus years and I'm still trying to figure out how to do a character and make one up.

And I even enrolled in an improv class at my church. Recently. Oh, really? A month ago. Oh, for you. Because he's teaching improv and he's really good at it. And the only thing I've come up with in 30 years is Harriet. I'm Harriet. I'm a blue-blooded liberal from my head to my toes. Obama, I love him. Why? Cute baby pictures, herbal garden, free condoms. You're never too young or too old.

I'm a good person. I got a new washer dryer. I took empty cardboard boxes down to the end of the street. I created a neighborhood. I'm a community organizer. Well, that's amazing. Well, you did. That's amazing. I'm watching you talk as Victoria. Aw.

You might want to go lay down. I don't know. I got kind of turned on. I don't know. Is that a male or female kicker? It's very sultry. You don't know. Yeah. Well, that's all I've come up with in 30 years. And I actually stole it from my friend, Fran, who was making fun of her ex-husband's new wife. And I said, can I buy that from you? And I gave her $50.

It's a funny character and a funny take. That's a good fair price. On SNL, though, didn't you update once you kind of took off like a fake wig and then you had a brown wig and you did sort of this is the real me or whatever? Yes. That was the same low voice, but not as low as I just did. But that was because, you know, I was getting tired of being typecast as the ditz, even though that's the strongest. I'm good at that, you know? Yeah.

And so I and also Jen and Nora were always being mean to me. And I thought and I kind of smushed it all together. And I and I was like, I felt like people wanted that. They wanted to see the real me. I'm like.

Okay, shut up, Dennis. You know, I was like, I could be like that if you want me to be. I'm trying to be a nice person, but, you know. Christ, she turned on me like a rabid wolverine. Hey, that was perfect. Okay, yeah, Miss Vic coming on with the heavy-duty artillery tonight, huh? Okay. What, have we got some kind of high-pitched character that's going to do a handstand on the desk tonight? Is that our move?

Oh, I can't do them anymore. I did my last handstand at age, stuck it at age 60. Stuck it. You're 60? You don't look 60. No, I'm 65. I just enrolled in Medicare and I had to listen to all these boring conversations about supplements and, and, and, and.

and plan B. I'm like, I just would rather die than listen to you one more second. Oh my God. So you were on the first, I just want to give people a little bit of background. I think one thing that's very quirky is that you befriended, for people of our age group, Johnny Crawford of Rival Men.

He played the son of the rifle man who had this rifle. Everyone else was using a six gun, so they'd pull it out of the holster, take him like 10 seconds. He would just point the rifle and kill people. Yeah. But then I used to do Johnny Crawford in my stand-up act when I was in college. What? Really? Because he always said, paw, paw, paw.

Paul, how come I sound like Dinah Shore? Paul, you ain't going to get scammed. This is early stand-up, but explain your friendship with Johnny Crawford and how he helped you in your career back in the 80s. I'm trying to get rid of my ring light so I look naturally dewy. Naturally dewy. You look really good, honestly. You look great. You know, Molly Shannon did all the characters that I wish I would have thought of.

star and I'm 50 years old. I mean, man, those were fantastic. Oh yeah. She's she. Yeah. She's incredible. And it would have been fun to see you two together, you know, because you could dance. You had great, well, you have great legs and you're like dancing and you could move and do cartwheels. You could do flips. So I can see there's a kindred spirit there.

Well, I do. I like physical humor. I don't think about it. It just comes out. But you guys, man, when I, you know, David was late into our cast. But man, I was so spoiled, you know, laughing all day for six years in a room with Dana and Kevin and Lovett's.

That when I went into the real world, it was so depressing. Normal people are boring. Such a real quote. Normal people are super boring. I know. That's what Lauren says. He always has to be around funny people. Man, I missed it so much, but I watched a lot of YouTube videos.

So I feel like I'm still with you guys. Well, we laughed our ass off. We did. And you were kind of our mascot. We did some silly. Do you remember we'd go have a dance parties in Kevin and I's office? We would put on Don't Get Me Wrong by the Pretenders. And Dennis would come in his socks and do this funny. Don't get me wrong. One of those times just to release the tension. We would just go crazy in there.

So much tension. And you and Lovitz would always have, just in a PG-13 way, simulated sex.

Oh, I didn't know we were having sex, by the way. No, you weren't. Oh, what? When he would bend you over and stuff? Yeah. I have to tell you, I never, I had, I was so innocent. My dad raised me like to never see, we didn't have a TV and I never saw an X movie or an R movie. So like I was working out all the time and maybe I was bending over stretching and Lovett started humping me. Right. Right. And I started giggling and

I didn't know that was a sex position. I plead the fifth. I seriously did not know at one time. It was in its own way kind of innocent because John is sort of just a kid in a way. It was innocent. It wasn't Me Too movement. It was innocent. No, no, it was more silly. It was silly. I thought of it as gymnastics. Yeah. That's what I tell girls. Stretching.

Actually, Victoria, I had something happen with you. Quickly, Dana. If you remember this, it was not gymnastics related. We were doing a Schiller vision. I think it was you. Tell me if you remember this. So a Schiller vision, which Dana knows, is a...

Little video that goes on at 5 to 1. Tom Schiller wrote and directed these little shorts. And he would kind of make little mini movies. And some of them were just quite brilliant, actually. Some were black and white. Some were whatever. He did that famous one with Belushi dancing on his grave in black and white in the old days. So sometimes they'd ship us out to do a Schiller vision. And I think Victoria and I played a couple...

And the only part I remember is like the last scene was we had our whole life and now we're fast forward to we're older and we're walking along on that upper west side with that river on that other side, whatever that is, you know, not Central Park side, but the other side. And we're walking along and then things are going well, but like a nuclear bomb drops on my head. And right like a...

I have no memory of that. You probably don't remember this. Okay. So, Dana. I don't remember that. I have a bad neck already. And this is part of it. I'm telling you. Oh, yeah. They drop like a fake looking bomb that looks like a missile. Not good. And they have a guy in a ladder about 10 feet up. And even though it's made of plastic, it's kind of heavy. It falls square on my head. And then I fall over and die in the scene. And...

It hit me directly, jammed my spine down into my... And it's just bad for your neck. And we kept doing take after take. And I didn't want to be a puss and I didn't want to complain like anything when you're on a set. But I remember I kept going, this hurts so much. It jams my neck down. Even though it's light, but when it falls... No, no. And now you have neck issues. Yeah. And I still have neck issues. And for some reason, I blame Victoria. What?

I don't even remember the sketch, but I did. What? As far as injuries, it was one time. It just is in my head indelibly running behind Victoria. We're running to do another sketch. It's all dark. There's wires around. And Victoria did amazing.

a massive Pratt fall, but I think you knew out of fall or you rolled or something and you got up, you know? - I don't remember that, but I remember Dana backstage, I was doing my first impression, Roseanne, and they never let me do any. And I went to Smigel and I said, "Why don't I ever get to do any impressions?" And he said, "Cause you're nasal." And I said, "Well, is there any celebrities who are nasal?" And he goes,

Roseanne. And I go, yeah, can she kind of talk like that and everything? And he goes, yeah. And so he wrote me my first impression. And I had a fat suit on and a wig. And I said, Dana, I'm so nervous. What if I slip into Vicky in the middle of it? What if I slip into myself? And Dana goes, cup and attitude, cup and attitude. And I was like, yeah. Like,

I still don't exactly know what that means, but I, it was the sweetest thing. It was like, we were on a football team together and our whole lives dependent on it. And he was, he was like my cheerleader. He was like, Dana was so kind to everybody.

Yeah. But you know, I think it means, yeah, I got mean later. No, but no, I think it's just fake it till you make it go out. I got this just fake confidence and go out strutting. I'm Roseanne freaking bar right now. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Just reverse the fear. Oh,

Plus the best guy you're asking. He's right there helping you. He's so good at it. I remember I put a poster. What? Go ahead. You nailed it, though. I remember you going out there. I remember you did great. Oh, thank you. And then they let me do it a couple more times. They let me do it with...

Roseanne, I was with Chris Farley and Tom Arnold and Roseanne. And then I got to be Zsa Zsa, darling, I vote, I love it, I vote. And then I got to do other things. But man, it was so exciting and scary. And we always thought we were getting fired. But I didn't know Dana was afraid because he was the star, you know, before. And then when I found out Dana was nervous too, I was like,

I was like, my Denver knew he was worried about getting fired. Well, I was lucky because accidentally I got the church lady. And if I'm not mistaken, I did it on the first show. And were you my first guest? Yes, I was Jenny, the church girl. Yes. And so you came out and you were perfect in that. And you did this whole lament of church lady. I go to pray and I do this and this. And all of it was perfect.

Beautifully done. Totally sincere. Now, I was incredibly nervous. This is our first show. Yeah. But you said this whole setup and I pray every night to Jesus, whatever. And then I did. I just, well, isn't that special? And got a huge laugh. And that relaxed me. But that was you. You set that up. I was a good straight man for the Church of Lady, definitely. Well, that's a hard job, though, to do it right. You got to nail it.

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There's so many tales we could tell. Where do we start?

I think it's great that Smigel, when you went over Smigel for, that's really hard. I used to try to talk Smigel into doing stuff and he's so busy and everybody wants him to write. He's very tough to get on your team and to have you say, what about Roseanne? You do a little piece of it and he kind of hears it and he goes, yeah, okay. And then you get to do it and he probably helps with it and then you're in there and that's great. Because I remember one with Farley

Were you guys on the couch? And he's like all nervous as Tom. Yeah. You guys are like, I can't remember what that one was, but of course it's. And in Hans and Franz, they put me in that. I got my cellulite sucked out and I showed everyone my tattoo on my butt as Roseanne. All right. All right. That's right. Kevin. Yeah. He wrote my first sketch. I was ever on the subliminal guy. I was the secretary. Oh, we were so nervous. Yeah.

And hey, we got to talk about Alec Baldwin because he was on fly on the wall and he said my breasts look like garbage cans. Wait. Do you remember? Yeah. What does he mean by that? Yeah, that's what I want to know. I think he meant breasts.

big boobs and he's but not garbage camp i don't know who describes him as garbage can well the kind that you push out in the morning the green ones okay i think he's mad at me because uh in my book i wrote that he well when we were on the set i had to kiss him a lot in when he was playing marlon brando and i was the 50s girl in a

tight sweater on the back of it and we had kissed. Then we had kiss in that other scene where Alec kissed everyone, even the dog, remember? Oh, that's Green Hillie. Yeah, I was the French maid. So we were doing a lot of kissing that week.

And Dana says that I had a crush on him, but I don't remember it that way. Well, what I remember you saying, because it was so specific, was that the second time he came in, you just sort of, it was a non sequitur. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it this week. And I said, what? And he goes, I'm not, I'm not going to fall in love with him. But you didn't mean really in love with him. But, you know, he had piercing, he has piercing blue eyes. Yeah.

And so that by Friday you'd rehearsed or probably rehearsed the kiss. And no, didn't. I don't remember. It fell in love with what was with all the kisses, though. What did you not like him or something? Is that what happened? Well, I sort of liked it because my fire eater husband at the time wasn't kissing me or hugging me. And I was desperately in love.

you know, desperate for some physical affection. And I did, I did enjoy all the kissing, but what do you want to stuff fire in your mouth? Were you talking about Nissan for a second? Yeah. When my headphones popped out. Oh yeah. So he was a fire eater. Yeah. My husband, the fire eater. And there wasn't much call for that. So he worked about once a year and he made about a hundred dollars a year. Slowed down. Yeah.

Yeah, this is my little joke in my act. I saw he made about $100 a year. I saw his income tax return. Most of it he spent on supplies, disposable Bic lighters, fire retardant hairspray, secrets. When we got divorced, I got half of his stuff. I got a Bic lighter. I keep it as a memento. No, he doesn't seem like a very good settlement of a divorce, a Bic lighter. And two secrets. He got a lot of money.

I know. But you got Scarlet. And I pay you in flames. I got Scarlet and she's 38 now. Oh my gosh. She's pregnant with her third child, my grandchild. Who's the father? Hello. They love it.

Hello. Speaking of the fire eater, Dana was at my house for my birthday in Laurel Canyon one year. Yeah. Yes. I like that little house. It was cool. It was so cute. And it was 150,000 in 1984 when I got it. And now it's over a million. It's like two rooms.

But anyway, it's on the hill and it's so charming. And you have to walk 50 steps up to the front door and there's deer and everything. It's so wonderful. But so I never associate with famous people because they make me nervous. Right. And I tried to be friends with an actress once.

I won't say the name. And I invited her over and stuff. But she took her shirt off in front of my husband, my son. What? And so I never asked her back after that. I said, why are you taking your shirt off? She said, oh, I have it on backwards. And, you know. And so I was like, I wonder why I don't hang out with famous people. Exactly. And you said your husband. Is that a can of wizard in your pocket or what's going on? Exactly. Exactly.

Okay. I'm just going through my head. So I can't believe Leah Thompson would do that. Yeah, I can't believe Victoria Principle. Dana, I didn't say any names. Well, I'm just making that up. He's guessing. I'm guessing because you were in Casual Sex Together. She does have a great body, I must say. She's great. But anyway, she's very talented. She was in a movie once with a French accent.

I forget the name of it. She is great. They nailed it. So anyway, what I was saying was I was having this birthday party and I was like, Vicki,

come on, invite your cast members. They're not, they're not monsters. They're human beings, you know? And so I invited Dana and Dennis and Phil and Bryn and Milt Larson was there who owned the magic castle. And he, he gave me my big break to do standup at the variety art center where I got discovered for Johnny Carson. So he was there and he,

Robert Downey came because I had just done the pickup artist with him where I had to kiss him a lot. And it was so funny. He came with a guy. They came in the front door. They slowly walked through my whole house. I'm like, do you want a drink? Do you want a drink? Do you want anything to eat? And I was so proud. I had a bathtub full of ice and drinks. I thought that was so clever because I never hosted anything. I'm like 28 or something.

And Scarlett was two years old. She's 38 now. She was two. She's in the bathtub, too. And so Robert Downey slowly walks through the house, kind of like a king, very slowly. He looks around and then walks right out the door. Oh, no. And I was like, I've always been wondering...

Maybe there was no drugs. Maybe there was no one. I don't know. Anyway, and I think Weird Al might have been there. Oh, yeah. Your friend is Weird Al, right? Yeah. I still have a crush on him. Oh, look at that. I remember you and Weird Al together a lot. Oh, here comes a song about it. I love Weird Al. I always will.

After I die, I love him still. He should have married me in 1980. But what did we know? What did we know? I love Weird Al. I always will. After I die, I love him still. You should have put, I fell for fire instead.

There's a purity to that. You know, there's a simplicity to that, that kind of, it's sort of, it has a charm. Your stuff's all charming. That threw me back to Weekend Update. Yeah. Oh, I got to show you my handstand in Paris. My last handstand was two years ago in front of the Eiffel Tower. I got to find it.

Okay. So here's back to my story. Dana and Paula are at my birthday party. I'm nervous. I'm trying to be friends with my famous coworkers who intimidate me. Can you imagine? You're already friends with them. You guys are so freaking talented. Like right now, I have to calm down the rest of the day from like being with you. Yeah.

- Well, we consider you a peer. - Yes, we're all in the same boat. - You were on Saturday Night Live and you were funny. - I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy. - And you took the picture from my mom's magazine, which is very sweet of you. It's up in her house still today. - I still can't believe that your mother left you in a desert with guns for eight hours while she drove away. - Oh, you don't get listening. - I listen, man.

I'm very... You know what? It's all good and well. If no one gets shot, it's fine. But if someone gets shot, then it's like a story. You know what I mean? Or if you disappeared...

You know, there's all that stuff now about Satanists kidnapping kids and everything. Oh, there's so much going on. I'll tell you this. You know how, Dana, this is off-story, but you know how they do these tricks, like if they want to kidnap a woman or they tell you to watch these things around L.A. or wherever, where they'll put something on your car that you have to pick up or whatever.

You know what I mean? Something where you have to do something to stall and then they pull up in a car and grab you. So the other day I parked at a parking meter. Heather, I didn't even tell you this. And I try to keep this stuff from you. I shield you from the real world. So I pull up to a parking meter, but they also put fentanyl on stuff.

This isn't everybody, but this happens. So I pull up at a parking meter and I always go in my head, watch for this stuff they do. Watch these crazy things. They put like a fake ticket just so you'll pick it up. Then you get all dizzy, you know. So it's a great scam. So anyway, I jam my shitty credit card into the parking meter so they can slurp all my money and it won't fit. So I look under. There's already one in there.

So somebody lost their credit cards. I took it out. I put mine in and then I saw a parking guy and I said, dude, do you ever have this happen? They leave their credit card in there and you want it? And he goes, that's your problem. And I go, all right. So I go, it's going to be Heather's problem in a minute. So I throw out my car and I, and I'll go, I'll try to get it back to the person. And then I thought, what if that was one of those tricks? And I just fell for it. I grabbed it. It could have been covered in fentanyl. Yeah. What was the name on the card?

Dan Garney, is that your stage name? I was in West Hollywood and I lost my car. You know what? That was mine. Was it a Discovery car? Back to Victoria's story. What do you want to tell us? Well, I thought it was interesting because while we were having my birthday party, a young, good-looking 17-year-old comes to the front door and he goes, is Nissan here? And I go, who are you? And he goes...

Can I talk to Nissan? I go, who are you? I'm his son. I go, what? And so I go get Nissan and there's a blonde woman in the driveway 50 steps down.

And they talked for a while. And after the birthday party, Dana was there. I was there. Yeah. I go, who is, and Paula, who I adore. I adore Paula. Paula, I adore you. Paula always adored you. See, I curl my hair to look like Paula because hers is naturally curly. Mine isn't. It's too curly for her. So you find out that your husband has a son who's 17. You didn't know. Yeah.

paula has a perfect body and perfect hair and a perfect face and she's the sweetest person okay so anyway so so when everyone left i go nissan is that your son and he goes oh you know that lady slept with everybody when in baltimore she slept with all my brothers you know it's not my son so after we got divorced the reason why they looked us up was because the

thought i was on tv and i was making money rich yeah and they're like oh we'll prove it that there you know it's his son so after we got divorced nissan took a dna test and it was his son oh boy and the funny thing is he looks just like scarlett because it's nissan's jeans and a blonde wife and scarlett and christopher look like brother and sister christopher turned out to be a famous artist

He's a really good artist. His name is Christopher Mir, M-I-R dot com. And it's just kind of interesting how, you know, how life is. It's like, you know, Nissan was 10 years older than me. And, you know, I was like a Baptist virgin when I met him. And then like when you look back at your life, you're like.

And then I remember I found letters in the closet with a baby picture. Nissan had left the baby to go to L.A. to be a rock star. And there was letters saying, you were right to leave Baltimore. You know, anyway, new things about my husband's every day.

Are you still married? I'm married to Paul, the SWAT guy, a helicopter police pilot. Yeah. We've been married 30 years. Yeah, I think I remember Paul, of course. Yeah. When he came to the show for his first time to see me at SNL, because we were starting to long distance date, it happened to be the night he shot and killed the first man of his career.

And I go, maybe he was anxious to see me or something. That's my little joke. I'm just processing that. So picture this. He comes to the set at 8-H. And he had stayed up all night, filled out paperwork, gotten counseling. Because that's what happens if you kill someone. And he comes to the stage and...

And I'm getting out of an alien spaceship with eyeballs on my nipples because we're doing a sketch about a planet where women's eyes have mutated to their nipples because men stared at women's chests for so long. And Kirstie- Jack Handy? Was Deon Sanders in it? No, that was a different one. Okay, go ahead. I don't know. Sorry, sorry. Kirstie Alley was our leader.

And Paul comes up, you know, and I go, Paul, this must be so surreal for you to kill someone and stay up all night and see me getting out of a spaceship. And he goes, yes, it is. That's how he talks. I thought, man, our worlds are completely opposite. Then I took him upstairs and I introduced him to the cast. I said, hey, everybody, this is my boyfriend, the cop. And Mike Myers goes, hey, you got any war stories?

COVID. COVID. I have a residual cough from COVID. So anyway, he goes, got any war stories? And Paul goes, I killed a man last night. And there was silence. This is in my act. Because it's true. And it makes everyone. There was silence. And I realized the comic genius minds of this century couldn't think of a comeback. Dana, you were probably in that room. Do you remember?

Yeah, and it was just sort of hung there. There was no way to come back with that in any funny way. The only one who might have been able to come back

Maybe Norm Macdonald. You know, there are certain comedians that, you know, I just thought Paul was just very sincere. So I didn't want to undercut. Yeah. Well, he didn't feel bad about it because the guy was shooting at his wife because she wouldn't wife swap anymore.

And then the tale as old as time. So she called the SWAT team. They came. The husband pointed a gun at Paul and he was trained. If someone points a gun at you, you shoot them. So he didn't feel bad. But we've had a very difficult marriage. And it's really, really, really difficult. What is difficult about it? Oh, my gosh.

Well, for one thing, we disagree on the definition of adultery. Okay. That's a good argument, yeah. What is your definition versus his? Well, I think flirting is adultery. And I think when he comes home from the gym with fake tattoos drawn on his biceps by an 18-year-old hot lifeguard, that's...

inappropriate and he he thinks it's harmless workplace fun harmless because he was working part-time at the gym but anyway we have a lot of fights about that but i wrote i write out all my pain in songs and poems and paintings and i'm i just made an album of 18 songs and a lot of them are about my

Difficult marriage. What is the name of the album and where can people get it? And Paul won't listen to it because he knows it's about him. It's called This Isn't About Paul. It's called I Hate Paul. Paul, listen to this podcast. I Hate Paul is the song. Actually, I did write a song called I Hate You. Here we go. Here comes the guitar.

Everybody quiet. Sometimes I fantasize we never met, we never got together, never got reconnected and although I tell my friends that this will never work and that I despise you and that you're a jerk, I would never say I hate you.

All right, so there's that one. But anyway. That's a good one. Another winner. I like it. These are better. This is called When I Get. So what's it called? Okay. When I Get Home? No. When I Get to Nashville. When I Get to Nashville. Victoria Jackson. And see, this is my handstand in front of the. Oh, perfect. Oh, sweet. That's a famous statue in Nashville. You know, the naked statue? Mm-hmm. And on Music Row. Right.

You had clothes on, though. Well, I do, but they don't. But there's songs like, how do you undo? How do you undo? I do. Oh, yeah. How do you undo? Clever. Yes, but Chyna Phillips thought of that line. And I'm in Chyna Phillips' Bible study group. Is it online, or does she live in Nashville, too? No. Chyna Phillips lives in, right now she lives in the Hollywood Hills.

And, you know, Billy Baldwin's her husband. Yes. And China is on fire for Jesus. And I'm a Christian. And I was watching her YouTube called California Preach It because her parents wrote the song California Dreamin'. Remember? The Mamas and the Papas. Of course. Incredible song. That's her parents. And like...

She's a good singer too. Oh yeah, Wilson Phillips, China. Yeah, yeah. And they had that hit, Hold On For One More Day, and... Hold on. China Phillips. Hold on now. Go ahead. No, no, I was faking like as if, because David did, I thought it was... No, you know, when I ask her, say we apologize for when we did a Songs to Save the Chickens with Michael Bolton on the show,

And we did Wilson Phillips and we had two extras and then Farley played the- - Oh, you did? I forgot that. - You were there. I played Dave Perner from "Soul Asylum" or Kurt Cobain or Tom Petty or something. But I remember that. - Tom Petty, I played Dylan, right? Was that the one that Turner- - Was that in that we're all standing and Michael Bolton sings- - Instead of "We Are The World," we were doing "We Are The Chickens" or something. Yeah, I think I played Dylan and Victoria played Roseanne Barr. - I was Cindy Lauper when we did-

when we did the We Are The World thing. Oh, Cindy Lauper, yeah. And they put a thing in my neck so that when I sang the big note, blood would squirt out. Oh.

And it worked, but you couldn't see the blood because I was wearing red plaid. No. Yeah, you couldn't see blood was squirting out of my neck. That was an unforced error by the wardrobe people. Yeah, that usually doesn't happen. A matching blood shirt versus comedy blood squirt. The road to getting engaged. This is the story as old as time. It can be long, full of memories, or it can be short and thrilling.

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Get your quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. The wardrobe department was so great. That one time I said, I want to be a Christmas tree and do a handstand.

And Pam, she came up with this brilliant costume. I still have it. And it was a Christmas tree. And I said, you have to balance all the ornaments because I'm balancing upside down. They're geniuses, that wardrobe department. Yeah, they are really. The wardrobe, the makeup, the crew. Everybody. They're all crap.

crap or they couldn't make it but they they can improvise something up really fast yeah um we need victoria to come out of a giant cupcake um you have 20 minutes yeah right away sir yes yeah and you get spoiled and every job after that is so much worse you know it's all slow motion yeah you know you know movies and

Well, go back to China Phillips. We interrupted you. I'm sorry. Well, China thought of that line. So like we have these this group called California Healing and we read the Bible and pray together. She made me one of the leaders. I have to do it tonight, actually. And we pray and study the Bible. And China is really good with.

funny. She's very funny. She's very charming. And, uh, I was, uh, I loved her YouTube channel. So I would always write stuff and she wrote back and then, yeah, anyway, we're in this group together. And, um, so she said, how do you undo? I do. And I said, China, can I steal that? I thought of a song for it and she didn't get mad. So no 50 bucks for her.

No, she doesn't need that, I don't think. On the house? But, but. Well, it's flattering when someone tells you something and they have a comedian say it.

I have people go, oh, my God, you can use anything I say. That would be nice. It'd be fun for me. So I think she's flattered. Well, John Lovitz wrote me Victoria's Secrets on the show, and I still do that in my stand-up act. Oh, good. Do you remember Victoria's Secrets? How does that bit go? Well, I was always very uncomfortable doing –

uh seduction and arrogance i've analyzed snl my whole life since i've been gone from it and uh because in the baptist church i was taught don't be seductive don't be arrogant and um jan hooks was really good at those and i was really good at well jan hooks was good at everything okay yeah she's great but i don't think she can play innocent

That's my specialty. That was you, yeah. I am getting bitter in my old age. So I don't know if I'm so good at playing innocent anymore. And I've been working on seductive and arrogant for 30 years. Maybe I can pull it off. We all have.

Give me a little seduction. What would be that attitude? Well, it's the Victoria's Secrets thing. And John Lovitz wrote it for me. Okay, I go, I have three secrets I'd like to share with you. But shh, don't tell anyone. It'll just be our little secret. My first secret is a lot of men ask me, are you as dumb as you appear on the show?

And I say, I don't know. I never watched the show. My second secret... Can you hear me? I'm talking quiet. Yes, we're giving you... We can hear you. We're just making sure. Okay. My second secret is a lot of men ask me, how do you like it? And I say, like what? And they say, you know...

your sex and i say you mean my sex like being a woman or like having and they say the second one and i say i forgot which one was the second one and they say victoria stop doing that stupid character and i say i'm not doing a character and they get mad and walk away

My third secret. Anyway, there's more. How many are there? 100? The next one is... That's good. Now let's see arrogance. Yeah, what do you got? Oh, arrogance. Ooh, arrogance. Ooh, that's hard. Your hair looks good. It's curly. I got a popping attitude. Well, I curl...

I curled it for you to look like Paula. Oh, Paula's going to be so happy. Paula listens to all these and she was, she'll be so happy to know you were giving her all these comments. Yes. I love her so much. She's, she's adorable. She is.

Victoria, what is that album called? Because we want to give you a poll on that. Nobody buys CDs anymore, so I just did it for me. It's on streaming on Amazon. It's called When I Get to Nashville. And then there's some stand-up at the end. And one song is Like a Dog.

When I get to Nashville, I'm going to knock them dead. I'm still trying to get to sing at the Grand Ole Opry and they're not having me. I don't know why. Well, wait till this comes out and people start slurping that up off of Amazon. Yeah. Okay. Arrogance.

I am the best. No, I can't. Give me some lines. Give me some lines. No, it's funny. You're so not arrogant, which is really nice. Well, I used to as a character. Let me tell you something. We could very easily come to your house and flick you with our little finger and you'd fly across the room and land in your own baby poop. That's coy arrogance. Franz arrogance. This is Hans who's almost effeminate in his arrogance. Oh, I'm not.

I was told once about an arrogant girl. Okay. It goes, my name's Lucy and I'm rough and I'm tough. No one calls me sissy names or any of that stuff. No one walks to school with me because I am too cool. Everybody wants to though. And they really wish they could. Wait, because I am too good. Everybody wants to though and they really wish they could. But they knew I would show them up because I...

Next to all my looks and charm, they feel like a fool. No one invites me to parties because they know if they did, I'd win all the prizes because I'm the most talented kid. Being smart in every subject is my philosophy. The whole world would be a much better place if this one thing could be that everyone was exactly like me.

I've had enough of stupid people. They just get in the way. I'm content to be alone, and that's the way I'll stay. I've had enough of stupid humanity. I'll leave them on a shelf. The only thing I can't figure out how to do is enjoy kissing myself. I like it. That last line was very interesting. Yeah, heavy. Can't kiss yourself. Nope. Unless you have a mirror. I guess you could. Close as you can get.

So how much standup do you do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was doing it every week. You know, Kevin Nealon got me into standup because when I got on Johnny Carson, I only had like 12 minutes. I had six good minutes and then I had four minutes of B material and I got on Johnny Carson in 83. And then he said that he wants you back. He gave me the okay thing. Yeah. He goes, but,

I go, I only have my B material. And Jim McCauley goes, OK, do that. And then he wants you at the panel. So I did that. And then the third time he goes, Johnny wants you back. But it has to be something really big. And I go, I had nothing. I had nothing else. Because I never like toured and then got SNL. I got SNL and then I toured to milk it.

So I can make money so I can send my kids to a Christian school. But anyway, so the third time I go, something really big. So I thought, I'll do my balance beam routine from when I was a gymnast.

And I'll sing a song. No one's ever done gymnastics while singing. I did a handstand poetry. That was my first Carson doing a poem upside down. But no one had ever mixed gymnastics on a balance beam with singing. So I made up this song called Angry Woman. And it was based on the fact that my coach in college never told me I made small college nationals because she didn't like me.

And I found out years after, why weren't you at the small college nationals? I didn't know I made it. So I wrote this song. I am an angry woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a streak in my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to air my dirty laundry. If you don't like me, honey, I don't care. I drink a cuss, I smoke, I swear, I spit. It ain't my problem if you don't like it. I hate you, yunko, pinko, jerko.

I need a little love. And then I would do my balance beam routine. Now that is on YouTube right now. Oh boy. Because Jim McCauley knew that someday I would want this on video. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Four inch balance beam, live TV, Johnny Carson, not fall. Because it's funnier if I don't fall off the beam. If I act dizzy and I don't fall, it's way funnier. So I...

I didn't fall. I didn't fall. I almost fell, but I didn't fall. Did these hard tricks. I went to the gym for three months to learn some of the tricks back. I was 24. So I was way older than a peaking gymnast at 15 or whatever.

You guys, I'm talking too much. No, wait, wait. What is this story? It's great. So Johnny likes it? How does it go? Johnny loved it. You were on there 20 times, right? Yes, he loved it. What? But what was the point of my story? The story is your third one, you're supposed to do something big. You came up with something. Kevin was going to help you. Oh, Kevin. With stand-up. This is how it started. So then I got SNL.

Which was, you know what it was because you were there. Now, and so now after SNL and I lost all my money in the divorce and I married a cop, got no money. So then I was trapped in the suburbs of Miami. I had no friends. No one spoke English. And I, nobody was making me laugh all day. But anyway, I love raising my kids. But Kevin Nealon calls me one day. I just broken my wrist, I think.

Accidentally. And...

And he goes, it looked like it was on purpose because it was cut right on my wrist from dishwasher. Oh, I see. I took a wine glass out of the dishwasher and it sliced my wrist. And I was in the hospital in Miami going, I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I do hate being a housewife. I do hate Miami. Maybe it was subconscious. I don't know. But anyway.

So anyway, Kevin Nealon calls me. He goes, it was like 97. And he goes, would you open for me in Vegas? And I go, Kevin, I don't have a stand up back. I have like 10 minutes. That was from a long time ago. Yeah.

which involves a handstand. I can't do it right now. And he goes, no, all you need is like 20 minutes. What did you do on Carson? I go, I can't remember. So I looked up my Carson tapes and I'm like, oh, I told a poem and I did a handstand and I played it. And then, and he, and so anyway, I opened for Kevin for a bunch of times. And the little joke was,

I videoed him and Lovitz once in this limo. And I go, Kevin, why did you think of me to open for you? And he goes, because I wanted someone who wasn't that strong. You know, you don't want your opener to be too strong. And I go, you know, it's because I wasn't that good.

So I wouldn't show him off. You know what I mean? Well, it's also that you're just totally opposite. Yeah. You're different than him. Yeah. Which is good. So, so I started doing it with him and then I got to go to Vegas and I did a one or two, I did a Y2K with Dana and Dennis and in Minnesota. Yes, we did. You, me, Dennis and Kevin. And everyone thought it was the end of the world. So not many people came and,

And then I did a bunch of shows with Piscopo. I opened for him. And then I saw I was doing it like once or twice a month for my whole motherhood years in the 90s. And then when the tea party started and I was in this club and I and I wrote this little song called White Men Are Good.

White men are good. My daddy was a white man. My brother is a white man. White men invented everything. White men invented the universities. White men invented the English language. White men invented airplanes. White men invented cars. White men. And then. Good resume. Yeah. So I sang that song. The audience was like, because it was the beginning of.

Not supposed to say that. Yeah, what do you call that when you're not allowed to say things? Censorship? What was before woke? It was way before woke. It was like 20... Politically correct? Yeah, it was 2010. And I thought comics were supposed to be brave and daring and break the rules. But oh no, no. Don't say white men are good. White men were getting all rebellious.

rap all the time. I'm like, people anyway, they told my agent at APA and she goes, I can't send you out anymore. Oh my God. And she said, all the club owners are liberals and, and you're becoming an outspoken conservative. And, and you, I can't, I can't send you anywhere. So then I'm like, okay, I wanted to quit anyway. I don't like traveling.

But I just was so surprised that in America with freedom of speech, we can't have freedom of speech anymore. And now, you know, what's been happening. And now I'm so proud that I'm proud that Dana is making fun of Biden, which is the unforgivable sin. And I'm glad that Rob Schneider is saying, I can say whatever I want.

People, freedom of speech. I'm very proud that people are fighting back. And even Seinfeld is saying, hey, come on, freedom of speech. Yeah, it is tough on comedy in general to do to be, you know, tamped down a little bit. And you just want to say what the thing that people want to say or the thing that people aren't saying or just try to break the rules. Like it used to be very like you had to be outrageous, you know.

And it's definitely toned it down a little bit, I have to say. Dana, your Biden things are super funny. Isn't he funny? Thank you. That was kind of a personal challenge just because in the beginning, there wasn't much there. You know, my father lost his job, that kind of thing. And then as he went along, I added in, you know, and added in a lot of hooks.

And I got it to the point where I thought it was really funny. And so I didn't really care if anyone had a problem with it. I just thought we got to be able to do the president of the United States. If it's a Republican or Democrat, it's our job to kind of tug on the king's... Corn Pop was a bad dude. That's true. Come on. Come on.

This is my one that kind of broke it. It was there's no crisis at the border. How do you know, sir? Because it says so on the piece of paper. Yes. And then he came out for the border a little while ago. I just thought it was funny. I'll shut a border faster than anyone's ever shut a border. But you said before, get your facts straight, Jack. Beat the hell out of you. I kind of shut a border border patrol. The border can't believe it's not butter.

So then it was so silly that he always ends with this declarative slogan. So people accepted. But now everyone's doing him, obviously. The dam is broken open. You are a trendsetter.

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Victoria, before we let you go, I wanted to say, I do remember you did a lot of toonses, didn't you? Toonses the driving cat. I was so happy because I didn't have any lines and it was a, it was a hit sketch and I didn't have to do anything. Me and Dana were in a lot of toonses. We were in a lot of toonses and there was one time, you know, they got the cards, uh, we're in the fake car and, um,

This happens to all of us, but it was your line and the guy was pointing and you were just kind of enjoying the scene and I started kicking you. Kind of like that. I know. And then he went, oh, and then you hit your line. It's just funny. We all do that. The lines are usually like tootsies. You shouldn't be driving over here on the wrong side of the road.

Yeah, and that was a great use of the character that you would play on the show often. The sincere, sweet character. Toon says, don't do that. Jack Handy is the greatest. They had me and Dana be brother and sister a lot, or husband and wife. They had us in our underwear. Remember when we had to wear our underwear and don't go down to the basement? Yeah, yeah. We had a lot of them. You were right.

Was that the name of the sketch? Yeah. Don't go down to the basement. And I felt so naked. I don't feel naked doing gymnastics on the update desk with my butt in the air because that was my whole childhood. But I feel naked standing upright in my underwear. Well, the idea, it's a uniform versus your underpants. And even though they look the same, one seems like normal. Well, also...

Dana, when you were on other fly on the walls, you're talking about the Italian restaurant where you were. Oh, right. You were humping me with my legs in the air. Yeah, that was one of the biggest laughs that I've ever participated in. I wasn't really doing much. It was just the situation and the building and the scenario.

And it's true that right before they said, maybe don't do it or do it as much or move around as much, but we just did it. And it was a big laugh and you were the perfect one to do it with. Well, the funny part to me is I didn't know anything.

All of a sudden people come up and they go, Siobhan quit this sketch. You have to do it. I go, what sketch? Nobody told me anything. I didn't have time to say, I didn't have time to say I'm a Christian. I don't think that would be appropriate. I didn't have any time. He's like, go out there. I go, what am I doing? What am I doing? They'll get on the table, stick your legs in the air. I'm like, okay. And then Dana's like, you know, and I'm like,

I don't even think I knew that was a sex position. I might be exaggerating, but I don't know that I knew that. But anyway, it did seem really wrong. And it seemed X-rated. But anyway, then it was aired. But Dana's my friend. And I thought, that's pretty funny. Well, because it was you and me. It was just innocent and silly in the big picture. And also...

that I'm still yelling about some order or something. You know, I've got your legs over my shoulders. Hey, what do I know? Come on. Cappuccino. It was pretty vaudevillian and a little body. But funny with the sound off like that visual within that Italian sketch based on these extraordinarily horny Italian waiters.

One of the biggest laughs I've ever been a part of. Okay. To answer your question about how much I do stand up and then I'll quit talking and you guys can go back to your life. I did Vegas about two weeks ago. So I'm, I'm not blacklisted. I think the country's getting their common sense back into their brains and I'm not blacklisted. And,

And it was a small place. Yeah. The only problem was I was coughing. My residual COVID cough, that was kind of unnerving for the audience, but. That you gave them all COVID. Yeah. Yeah. I think things are loosening up a little bit. I think there was so much exhaustion over, you can say this, say that, that at this point it's kind of like,

No one has to come to your show or watch anything they want to watch. If you don't like a Netflix special, don't watch it. I mean, it's just freedom. Maybe this is controversial. What if the screen just went completely black and our podcast was canceled? Mm-hmm.

i know we love you and we miss you and if you come to southern california please reach out okay thanks for your podcast it's super good and entertaining and we we appreciate david and dana's laughs that you've given us all these years thank you you're still so sweet you're also very funny i mean just the way you're telling these stories it's

hysterical so you still have all the stuff there is there's a funny thing there's a funny bone there that no one else does it's it's just a very

honest, quirky, unexpected language you're using, unexpected moments of honesty. I'm going to make you self-conscious about your gift so then you won't be able to do it anymore. Okay. I'm kidding. You can't. It's like gum on your shoe. You're just funny. You're just funny. Just funny. So all the best. We all miss you and we want to see more of you. You have a closing song? Same song, closer. I feel

Something about buzz, buzz, squat. Yeah. Buzz, buzz, squat. All right. We did it. Bye, sweetie. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts. Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.