SUPERFLY #43 - Cash & Speed
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There's two people that rely on our voice. This is our job. Stand up this, whatever. Zycam is great because if you feel a cold coming on, I have Zycam in my bag. If you're on the road, give it a couple of squirts because your throat's sore, sniffling. That's when I go for it because it's sort of...

If you're already in the throes of it, it will speed it up. It will shorten. It will shorten the cold or reduce the symptoms so that the second you start feeling, because sometimes you go, oh man, am I getting a cold? And that's when you hit a Zycam. Boom, boom. Yeah, nail it. And it's kind of fun too. They have rapid melts, medicated food drops, a lot of flavors, you know. Nasal swabs. Nasal swabs. Those are fun. Sprays. Yeah. So you can get it in a lot of different ways.

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And comedy fans. I assume you are a comedian and a comedy fan. Guess what? And by the way, the funniest comedians in the world are on tour. And you know what, David? You can get tickets to see them live near you. You're going to laugh with some of the biggest names in comedy around.

Otsuko Okatsuka. Yep. We got Sebastian Maniscalco, who's a friend of the show. We got Santino, Andrew Santino, of course. Brian Regan. Yeah, Brian Regan is great. Chelsea Handler. Dane Cook. Dane Cook. Just recently. Swartzen. Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen. Buddy of ours. Sarah Silverman. Yeah, so it's a great list of comedians that

Live Nation is presenting to you. So don't be square. Be there. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of comedy. Head to livenation.com slash comedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.com slash comedy. All right, let's do it. Three, two, one, go. We don't have a start. This is probably, it's right up there with the most discombobulated I've been.

starting the most super fly tired and beat up discombobulated because i've not not not a complaint just observations from doing the friday night uh last friday the run through for uh the cold opening on snl it goes to like 1 a.m so forth and so on and then the show um

Yeah, they do things late and they go all night a lot. They're young. They do a lot of, I mean, yeah. We didn't go after like 11, I don't think. No, we went, yeah, Dennis was, well, anyway, Dennis was at a Broadway show at seven, but, um, cause he had, he was up date, but, um,

Just rehearsals. I mean, Andy Samberg did a video and it was an 18 hour day the day before, but that was his primary thing. It was really funny. God dang. So then you want to stay. It's Lauren's 80th. There's a birthday cake, a crazy party.

- Brilliant. - So you sort of turn out the light at four or five, and you get up maybe five hours later. Then you find your way to the airport, and then it's a six hour, six and a half hour. We have to announce some headwinds, and then-- - It might be longer.

It could be longer. So here I am now, but I'm very vulnerable. I could say anything. I might say something crazy because I'm so burnt out. But, you know, anyway. I'm full of joy and life and happiness and bounce, on the other hand. You are literally fresh as a daisy. I'm literally, look at this. So I have a sweater on, and what I was thinking of telling you is

Just to give you premium content and our listeners, it's cold in LA in the morning. So I put a sweater on and then it quietly gets hot. And now I'm getting mad. I don't want to take the sweater off. So I refuse. So today I'm going as long as I can without taking it off.

And Heather's taking off her sweater as we say that. I had a cool hoodie. I called an audible right before I saw you on the Zoom. I had a cool hoodie. I looked amazing, but I was starting to heat up. And I love a T-shirt like the collar is like this the day you buy it. And then it's fucking, you know. Oh, it's getting loose. Little flash dance over the shoulder. I hate that so much.

Dana, when you go to a hotel, now rich man's problems, of course, we call them, what do you call them? First world problems. So I go, hey, this is my old Skateboarder Magazine t-shirt, my favorite in the world. It fits tight. It's all good. They go, great. Just wash it, delicately fold it. Sure. They give it back to you. They pull it over a hanger.

And now it's a scoop neck, this big from shoulder to shoulder. Yeah. And they go, oh, that'll pop back. I'm like, not a chance. Never will. It hasn't for 30 years. You just stretched it out. So now I'm rat fucked. I know. But other than that, the sweater is still on. I'm fighting it, but I don't want...

The heat to win. I'm like, I don't care. It's hot. I'm like, oh. As long as you don't get sweaty. But basically, yeah, if they bring back, if you put T-shirts into laundry and they bring them back in the hanger, I just throw them right in the garbage. You're done, yeah? It's fucking garbage. Because I look like I'm wearing sort of a low-cut halter top. Yeah, and then it hangs low like a skirt. You just belt it, wear mini shorts under it. Yeah.

- I'm just you sweat or you sweat or you sweat. That's what I'm doing today. That's my whole, that's an old Who song, remember that? - Mm-hmm. - You sweat or you sweat or you sweat. - Here's an insert on this. I had a $2,000 suit. This is in the '90s. I had to have one good suit. I don't know what it was, Armani or something. The Russian housekeeper just happened to be Russian.

"I wash good for you." She put it in a regular washer and dryer. It came out that Herve Villaché would have fit it perfectly. -It was just like, "Don't close." -No, they ruined it. I have a good name for a bar, ready? It's German Bar. They serve liverwurst and all that stuff. -What's it called? -What's it called? It's called The Worst.

With the W-U, right? And then you go, let's go. That place is the worst. Trademark. Hello, sharks. I'll give you 5% for a million dollars.

Let's go to Unser Wurst. Unser Wurst. I love the accents I hear in the elevator in New York. Fucking no shit. There's like a hundred. Excuse me, could you talk in a regular language? That's kind of scaring me. I said a lot of people have accents. They sound like John Rocker all of a sudden.

Okay. Also, we talked about my sweater. We got that out of the way. That was good. Yeah. You butt dialed someone here at the show at the party. And that made me laugh when I heard that because... Yeah. If you pick up a cell phone...

then you can dial anyone in the world. I once had Putin on the other line. I mean, I don't even know how. I touched my cell phone. You just touch the phone. That's why you got to edges. I hate it. It's like, don't touch the front. Something's happening.

Yeah, I didn't even tell Kevin Nealon this, but he was doing a movie once apparently and he butt dialed me and I listened for 37 minutes. It's like, let's do another take. Let's do another take. No, I didn't listen that long. But yeah, I did butt dial and I don't know if they heard much, but it was just at a loud party, man. All they heard was like.

Oh, Dana's coming out to sing happy birthday to Lauren in Marilyn Monroe's dress. Yeah. Does he have the dress? No, he has a stretched out kind of silver t-shirt. So it looks like a dress. I could barely hear you saying, Lauren, do we get paid here at the party or how do I get the money for the show? What do I do?

He goes after that cake. I'll be honest. He's not shy about cake. Oh, really? Oh, no. He's not a heavy gentleman, but I actually had a sliver and then I had a cholesterol test yesterday and I just got the results. Okay. You want to read them live in the air like Maury Bovich? No, it just said too much cake at the top. I don't know how they know that. They should have a cake cutter.

fucking shark tank again they should have a cake cutter that just cuts it in slivers because everybody doesn't want a full piece just give me a little sliver yeah well they they have a thing called a knife and it pretty much does that so no no no i can't i can't your knife come back with uh okay you have 10 seconds try to think of something you could monetize in your life

I'm saying a cake sliver cutter. It's just a sharp knife that you call a sliver cutter. Okay. Well, I don't have many good ideas. That's it. That's all right. I've got the pie scooper. So you're able to put ice cream on top of the cherry pie and then you can scoop it up. And my scooper is designed in a way it keeps the ice cream in the... Oh.

Oh, by the way, in other news, Busboys is happening now, Dana. You're kidding. Busboys is a go proj. Wow. Can you tell me what it is about? What do you mean Busboys? I think it's a movie. I think it's a movie. The Busboys are, it's a movie. Let's start the promotion right here. Yes. Spade and Theo Vaughn are two losers, of course. It's kind of like, you know,

dumb and dumb or something. We're just two guys that are busboys and think that becoming a waiter is the ultimate goal and will really straighten out our loser lives. I won't say that-- And why are you busboys? Well, my girlfriend leaves me and we have nothing-- No one in our town likes us. We're driving to see my girl. I find out she's cheating. And I said, "Dude, let's just go to Mexico. All good things happen in Mexico." And he goes, "I've heard that."

And then we kick it to Mexico and then we see a sign that says, because she left me for a waiter, so I want to be a waiter. So basically you're senior busboys because normally you think of busboys, late teens, 20s. Well, we're the oldest busboys in America, yeah. Yeah, and then everything goes awry and you just head to Mexico for an adventure. Yeah, a bad idea, yeah. And does mayhem ensue? Not right away, but yeah.

But I think Theo's really funny. He's got that really quirky way of talking and then juxtaposed with you. Count me in. I'm sure Pluto.com is going to love Premier. It's the Penny Saver magazine is doing a new streaming service. So it's our first...

-Okay. -For them, so. Yeah. I thought brought to you by Newman's own Italian dressing. No, it's-- Italian dressing has a streaming service now? Yeah, yeah. You know, it's just-- Or just put on their website. Hmm. Yeah, Theo's an interesting dude and I think I'm the smarter of the two dumbasses. Sounds like you've got kind of a southerner, not quite as big Chris Farley.

on your hands a loose cannon well i think if you have i'm always sort of grounded a little bit in reality in movies um just because my disposition and demeanor i guess but i would i've never the crazy over the top so if i do a movie with jim carrey i would let him handle that part even though it is fun to do that stuff but even wrong missy i was the ben stiller and you know

something about Mary or meet the parents where everything's crazy and you're just trying to hold it together. But I mean, there has to be a movie where you're not the straight man. You're funny. No, this isn't really the straight man. This is two guys are funny. And so it's really us. You know, I, you know, I heard that was a funny joke on weekend update. I think you were there, um, about Mike Tyson fight, which was, uh,

it wound up being Mike Tyson and Jake Paul against the audience. Defeat the world or something. I don't know what it was. Yeah, because it was such a... And listen, we love Ted and Netflix did a great job. I mean, they got what they want. A big showy thing that everyone would watch. We got that part. It's the most watched boxing match in the history of the world. Go ahead.

I didn't know that. Is that true? 60 million. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But is that more than like the rumble in the jungle or-

Thrilla Manila? I think so. Yeah, the Tangle in the Weeds. That was Frasier and Norton. The fucking Skirmish and the Burmish. But I like this busboy movie. I want this to be the beginning of the people having awareness. I would say it's a trilogy, but it's actually 15. So whatever that is. Could we, just for a second, I'm going to work on the trailer. Spade. Vaughn. Pfft.

One out. Busboys. I'll get your server for you. Hey, buddy. Let's go to Mexico. And then it goes, coming soon. That's all they get. That's all they get. And then cut to you with senoritas. You got some, bro. Yeah, cut to us dressed as something crazy going on. I've told you on this podcast about Lovett's and I's billionaire busboys.

- Billionaire busboys, yeah, Lovitz talks about that sometimes. "You know that's my idea." I go, "Well, yeah." - Well, I think it was both of our ideas, but billionaire busboys that have to be employed as busboys

to keep their inheritance. I guess Lovis and I were brothers. - Is it like Brewster's Millions or something? - Well, it's kind of like then they would be just super obnoxious to people. They would sit, the guys sitting and eating, they would just sit down and eat their food. They're trying to get fired 'cause then they get 24 hours of fun before they, so they're just the most obnoxious busboys in the world. And then we had a theme song. Do you guys have a song?

Like ghost buses? No, I'm trying to connect with... Oh, yeah. Who are you going to call? Bus boys. When you need more water, who are you going to call? So when might this film be completed and edited? January, we start...

Okay, so you'll be early 26, or are you going to get it out by next summer? What's next year, 2025? I guess it will be in 2025. 2025. You can't let comedy rot. I don't like when it sits. I don't like a special sitting. I don't like any joke sitting. Someone else does something like it, especially if you and John Rush, billionaire busboys, and green light it.

That might come out first. We couldn't even get it on as a sketch of Saturday Night Live. The bus boys ride off into the sunset. Right? Okay. Desperate plumber. It's going to be called The Oldest Bus Boys in the World. That was the first idea. But anyway, it came out pretty funny. We wrote it together, and he's a very funny dude. But we can move on to more topical. Okay.

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Just one-on-one teaching you stuff. I know. I just ran into Amy Poehler too. Is she okay? We both ran into her. We ran into her really hard. I ran into her and Tina Fey. It's a long story, but they're adorable, brilliant people. Yeah. Amy Poehler, take a class from her. That's going to be charming and funny. Stand up. Stand up with our boy Judd Apatow.

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Right now, go to BlueNile.com and use code FLY for $50 off your purchase of $500 or more. That's $50 off with code FLY at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Michelle, nope, it's not about you. It'll be a surprise. I will say, lastly, the last thing, and I better not hear one more word about the Jake Paul fight, is the Jake Paul fight, when all the dust settles,

I feel like they did it and the way out of being a good fight was this wasn't-- It was for entertainment purposes, like a exhibition entertainment match. But the problem is there was no entertainment. So now, I'm suing over that. Let's take some calls.

It was... That's a big statement, what I just made. Someone said that Logan Paul, who probably is a very normal, sweet guy, but he knows how to stir the pot. I like how you start with that every time. A normal, sweet guy. Greatest guy in the world. Yeah, I love this guy. But he learned that he could play the bad guy and then his clicks and views and money and fights and, you know, it was really good for him. And so it was a show.

Well, did you know this part? What? Just to interrupt your thought. Logan. I think you said Jake. I think you said Jake or Logan, but... Oh, which one is it? At the beginning of the fight, Jake was one fighting, I think you meant, but Logan is not twin, but looking the same brother, was behind him spraying him, and I guess that was his deodorant line. It's just all...

He knocked his hat off. I think he did that on purpose, Heather. So I got that wrong. So Jake Paul. I would have been fucking pissed if I was Jake right at my moment. And he sprays that shit. And plus that gets in your eyes and he knocks his hat off to get more attention back there. Yeah. That's just like, can you, can you stop promoting? You could punch in the face. You hold up anti-swelling spray, you know, available now. But,

But I got his name wrong. I thought it was Logan Paul. So it was Jake Paul and it was Eddie Tyson. I thought it was Mike Tyson, but it was Eddie Tyson, right? You got it right, yeah. Okay. And Jake Paul has a, you know, I'm sure they have their own bio-freeze that you rub on where you got punched and deodorants and things like that. It's all like, hey, buy our shit and act dumber than you did that you bought the fight. It would be even dumber if you bought this stuff too. Yeah.

I thought the fight was free if you have Netflix. The fight was free. I'll give it that. Yeah. I'll give it that. I'll give it that. That's Netflix. When you hear that, that's why it does better than the other fights. It's free. You don't have to pay $100. Yeah, Netflix has 280 million subscribers globally. Yeah, they got billions. Listen, if I have to get a crowbar in my wallet, it's a different story. Yes. Heather, will you tilt this up a little bit?

I'm so excited. Who's he fighting? Hey, come on, let's fight. Come on. Yeah, Biden should get in there and fight. Biden should Twitter him and say, hey, fuckface. Come on. You want some of this shit? I'm not kidding around. I'm being serious here. Here's the deal. Come on. And by the way, and guess what? The fact of the matter is. You don't want to know what I did to Corn Pop.

Yeah, I popped them in a corn. I know how to pop corn. I had a thing where I was going to go Bed, Bath and Beyond, but then there was a rewrite and they kind of did something else. They fucked you. It was kind of funny. What about a picture I saw of Biden like in the Amazon rainforest? What is he doing? What's going on?

The G20, I mean, 20 countries got together and said, hey, you want to be part of the G20? Sure, count me in. Let's do it. Where can we meet? Let's meet in the rainforest of Argentina or something. So Biden was down there. That's where he should be wandering around. That's not a great idea.

Well, he was at the podium, then they thought he wandered off in the jungle. He just said, that's the way people do it all the time. And he walked out of his frame into the jungle. I like walked out of frame. He walked out of frame. He had a really nice single on him. He had a PA with him going, I think number one on the call sheet is going 10-200. That means poop. Oh, I see. Number one is walking or whatever. Yeah, when they say...

That's Steve Martin. Yeah, number one on the call sheet. They go, number one is walking. The other thing they say is, we're going to go 10-100, which sounds like a nice way of saying go pee. But if you hear 10-200, everyone goes like this. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Steve Martin has to go drop a King Kong finger. That's like a cartel meme of like, how much joy can you derive? Oh yeah. I know what they mean by that. He means poop. Yeah. I'm going to laugh a little more. Yes. Entertainment. All right. Anything else before we get to some stories and headlines?

Try to keep the balls in the air for that. Yeah. You're tired from the party. You flew back from SNL. I'm down a court. I don't want to use the word tired. That's kind of negative. I have a stretched out t-shirt. We have seven hair dryers, me and my wife and I. My wife has...

My wife, she... The story just got better. Seven hair dryers and her hair is so thick that she goes, I'm going to go dry my hair. It's wet hair. I go, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow. No, it's literally an hour. So...

Because we're moving in so many metrics, LA, San Francisco, up in the undisclosed farm, New York, all the hair dryers got in different locations. So I washed my hair. And I was like, so I said, yeah, yeah, right. Like that's going to win an Emmy.

So anyway, I had no hairdryer, so I put the hat on. And that is the end of the... Fuck. Hair... Girls. I don't know. They got the hairdryer. It's got three speeds. And then they got a upside down. It throws out your clavicle. One time, this is embarrassing, Michael Keaton show on SNL. I went down to nine where they're rehearsing on eight. I went up to nine and I took a shower in some sketchy wherever. Mm-hmm.

And I brought my trusty blow dryer down. Why did I need to blow dry my hair? I don't know. You were at age eight. But I wasn't with a blow dryer. I walked around. I think Herb Sargent was in there naked. I just walked right past him. Anyway, I take a shower. I get out. I go upside down like sometimes you see in movies where they blow dry their hair. And I flip my hair up and I passed out on the ground.

- I hadn't eaten, I loved lunch here. - Oh really? 'Cause of vertigo and just went, oh man. - And also my neck was so tight, 'cause I was stressed that this holding this thing was tightening it. And it was like, I couldn't even turn to the side, but I, obviously you gotta push through to get the fluff and bounce in the hair. - How long were you out, you think? - What a fucking disaster.

I'm like, ah, am I in the cold opening? Is that where I am? And everyone's like, no, you're not in the show. I have a hairdryer story. And don't be alarmed, but it tops yours. No way. Sometimes hairdryers do things. Sometimes they wear out. Sometimes whatever. There's coils in there and there's heat. Coils. So I'm drying my hair. Crack, crack.

Guess what comes out? Warm, hot air and then flames. No. Yeah. Fuck. I just throw it down. Cool.

Coil-related? Yeah, coil-related, shorted or something. Flames came out, and I thought, I don't want a fucking blowtorch. I want a hair dryer with cool, warm air. And yet I had a blowtorch for a minute. Lauren walked in. It was the same shower. You ready for the sketch?

He got singed. It's a long story. There was a police report. And then Elon Musk, you pull back. He's sitting there going, this is a good idea. I'll make a flamethrower. Hey, Ryan, I got my hat. I'm Doc Mega. Doc Mega. Doc Mega. I can't do Elon Musk very well, but I can do something that sounds not like anything. He has an incredible accent. Where is his accent from? South Africa, via Canada, via Pennsylvania. Oh, South Africa.

South Africa. It's almost like it's a little bit of Australian in there, a little bit of British. My buddy from Rules Engagement was South African, South African, Adir. And Charlize does not sound... Charlize, let's just admit, she took the beautiful cutaway award at the God dang Tyson fight. You see that, Heather? You see her? Oh, my God. Stunner.

Charlize. Yeah, she's very tall. Oh, I mentioned her in my special too. Mm-hmm. Sully Charlize, you're just mentioned twice. I saw her and Chris Rock at a party standing next to each other, and I just looked up, and I just started singing, Ebony and Ivory. Ha ha ha!

Cause she's such a tall blonde. Yeah. I don't know which was which, but I like that song. She's great. Oh my God. Oh, you said you, I, we were talking to the do not destroy guys who are going to be on fly on the wall soon. And, uh,

You had Charlie X, KX, XXCC. What do the X's stand for and what's going on? I don't know, but she was game for anything and I loved her. I didn't really know. Please don't destroy. I really don't know.

I didn't know much about her 'cause I listened to Frank Sinatra and stuff, but she's really cool. And she came out and she goes, "I'll be honest with you," she's practicing her monologue, "I smoke, I drink, and I can't sing without autotune." I thought this is the coolest, 'cause everything's about authenticity and I think she was great. "I smoke, I drink, and I can't sing."

Without autotune. Is it turned into Brat Fall or are we into Brat Winter yet? Because it was Brat Summer. That was her big song. You're a brat. Am I a brat? I know. It's yes. Well, you know what it is? What is it? I think it might mean kiss. Oh, kiss, Charlie, kiss. But she just thought it sounded catchy. Oh, it sounds catchy. It's definitely hard to say. I don't know how catchy it is. I didn't need to repeat that? You didn't repeat it. A lot of people thought kiss. Right. Yeah, because kiss is an X. But she really just picked it.

She picked it because it sounds cool, but I'm saying it doesn't sound that catchy. It's hard to say Charlie XCX. Charlie XCX. I don't know if that's catchy. It's working, so I'm not going to say that. It's working. I'm going to be Dana L7-5.

No, I'm just like a, I'm a automated robot or something. Yeah, boy. Well, let's throw up some headlines. Let's see what's going on. I think so. Rescue the podcast.

I have a sense of gratitude when it comes to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the holidays. I don't know about you, Dana. I do too. I think that's what, because you know, the word thanks is a total giveaway. It's right in there. Yeah. It's a giveaway. Yeah, it's a giveaway if it was called watch out for yourself time holiday. Selfish giving. Yeah. Listen, we get together Thanksgiving day.

Think about maybe how learning a new language can enhance your connections and enrich your experiences with just people of the world. Rosetta Stone, you know, Dana, we've talked about forever. The most trusted language learning platform available on desktop or as an app. It immerses you in the language you want to learn. That's the way to do it. Yeah. And, you know, I've been in New York for a while doing Saturday Night Live and I walk around Central Park and boy, do you hear a lot of accents. Yeah.

And a lot of languages, you know, I don't know what they're saying. I'm like with Rosetta Stone, you've got a tool in your hand that is probably the best way to learn a language going right now. You know, this world is getting more mixed every day. It's not bad to know something you could learn. They pretty much will teach you anything Spanish, French,

Korean, Chinese, Japanese. Rosetta Stone immerses you, no English translation. So you really learn to speak, listen, and think in the language, right? Yep. It's an intuitive process, which is great because I think I never, I didn't retain Spanish in grade school. You pick up a language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences. It's designed for long-term retention. Lifetime membership. Yes.

Has all 25 languages for any and all trips and language needs in life. That's lifetime access to all of the 25 languages they teach at Rosetta Stone. And also, by the way, and guess what? Built-in true accent feature gives you feedback on your pronunciation. It's like having a personal trainer for your accent. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get it started. For a short time, fly-on-the-wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership

Holiday special. This offer will not last long. What do you got to do, though? Visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's unlimited, David, access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your holiday offer at rosettastone.com slash fly today for yourself or as a gift that keeps giving. We be in.

There's a movie I'm watching right this moment that you have seen that I am really digging. It's called Saturday Night. Now listen, we were both on Saturday Night Live. It's about the first episode. I didn't really know what it would be exactly. And it's really sharp. It shows where everything went wrong. I didn't know 99% of this stuff. I actually recognize people in there that were still working.

Herb Sargent. Is it Audrey Perdickman? Is she in there? She was in there in that time. This thing has got quick lines, a lot of funny throwaway lines. Yeah.

And you get to meet every important character that they didn't know it. That was the last night they were not famous. That was very interesting to me. It shows you what a wild ride they took on that first show. It barely gets on the air. The cast is maybe smoking funny cigarettes. It's a looser, weirder environment. It's all done in a set that looks like 8-H.

It gave me goosebumps. It teared me up. It's very emotional. Sure. And when you think about it, good Lord, it's still on now. Critics love it. They say it's wildly entertaining. One of the best movies of the year. Certified fresh to cast, you know, Dylan O'Brien, Willem Dafoe, who I love, of course, J.K. Simmons, Lamorne Morris, Gabrielle LaBelle, Finn Wolfhard, Corey Michael Smith, Kaya Gerber, Nicholas Braun.

So, you know, grab some buddies. If people, they know SNL, they don't know it. You can, this is how it all started. And by the way, and by the way, and guess what? They're all playing, you know, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, you know, Garrett Morris and so forth and so on. And J.K. Simmons does a hilarious cameo as Milton Berle. Yeah.

There's Johnny Carson calls them. It's crazy. Johnny Carson calls them. Yeah. That was crazy. Yeah. I can't believe a kid. Get your shit together. We're always looking for punch up guys when this collapses. It's available to buy or rent on digital now. It's rated R. Saturday night. Our next one is Fracture Day. Now, let's just...

We're going to go through this. So every year, Dana, I think this is it. This is the holiday. I killed it gift giving. And then somehow...

You get socks. I send you socks. Oh, Dave, it's socks. That's basically a cry for help wrapped in cheap cotton, partner. This year, you're leveling it up with the no-fail, jaw-dropping gift everyone will love. Wait for it. Fracture. Fracture? That sounds something like I did to my ego in the 90s when I read reviews. What is it? Hmm.

It's genius. Fracture. No, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen for a second. I'm not joking. Fracture takes your favorite photos like that. One of you rocking the mullet.

and brings them directly on sleek modern glass. Hear me out. Hear me out. The colors are so vibrant, so stunning. It's like your, David, Hollywood memories all aglow. So any photos of me with the mullet on that lives in glory, that's...

That's like a hall of fame. I'll take that. Exactly. You starting to get it. Single, single prints, gallery walls, frame frameless. They've got it all. I'm telling you, I'm here to tell you, David, just upload your photo and boom, you're gifting like a pro. There's no effort required. That's good for you, which is perfect. So I don't need a toolbox because I have one screwdriver in the house.

And then you have one screwdriver right before dinner. It's a slippery snorkel. No, you don't have to lift a finger. They come ready to hang. No hammers, no extra holes in the wall. Just sleek, stunning glass prints that make people gasp. Even Aunt Barb. And she's a tough crowd. Barb. All right. I love it. So this year, no socks, no oven mitts, no candles, just fracture.

Thoughtful, personable, unforgettable. Fracture is, I'm going to just say this, whatever people think. It's the no fail gift that makes you a holiday hero. We both said no fail. Yeah. No fail. We're just going out on a no fail limb. All right. Well, finally, my mullet saves Christmas. What's the kicker? You get 30% off at fractureme.com with code flyfracture.

making bad gifters great sense whenever they started. Oh, this is footage from the Jake Paul fight. Let's see a couple of shots. Okay. I like the music. Why is it so funny?

Because cats are happy and acting like humans. Cats are funny and they're barely touching and they're squishy and they didn't hit each other that hard. So fucking funny to me. I'm going to throw you a curveball, Dana, because I just read this on the way in. Maybe you can pull this up. I don't know, Greg, this wasn't the plan, but the voice of Milhouse on The Simpsons is quitting.

And it's an interesting, I'm wondering why, because they've done Milhouse for 25 years and it is a female, I think. I think that's what I read. Apparently I get all these stories wrong. Everyone on YouTube is like, you didn't even fucking know what you're talking about. It's all right. But if we can pull it up. Here, we're going to go down again, Heather. Oh, this isn't bad right here. This is what Heather deals with all day. I just go up, down.

I think there's, oh yeah, Simpsons voice actor Pamela Hayden retiring. So she's retiring from maybe the easiest job in the history of the world. Those people who got on Simpsons. Wow. You could do this, Dana. You should audition for this. This is a great job. Hey, Bill House. How does he sound? I don't know how it sounds. Bill House. She does Jimbo Jones too. Go ahead. Sorry. She's...

There was a while where Harry Shearer was thinking of not continuing and they reached out to me. I go, I can't do Harry Shearer's stuff. Or could I? Whoops. Hey there. Hey there, I'm Mr. Simpson. I am no Harry. I'm... Yeah, did you just do a voice and have it... I'm any character. Sure.

Hello, my name is Milhouse. I like chocolate. No, I go like this. I'm Milhouse. I'm grown up now. How are you? I'm Jimbo Jones.

Oh yeah, Jimbo Jones sounds like a funny character. I like your eyes. I'm Jimbo Jones. How are you today? I'm your new neighbor. I just was saying, I'm available for some kind of 35-year animation gig where I come in once a month and go to a window and collect actual cash. Shit. We need another Hotel Transylvania. If anybody has any deets on that, hit me up. I need a Secret Life of Pets 3. Yeah. Yeah.

Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania is such a gift that keeps giving. And they're funny, I have to say. They are great for the fam. Okay, next story. Married man fakes his own death to meet woman across the seas. I read about this. You know what's funny about this that I thought, if this is right,

his name is hogwarts no it's bogwart he was he was missing after a kayak trip i think what he did was like flip the kayak upside down that's a good touch wow you know maybe i drown left clothes or some kind of what just nearby this key and then he called he called her and left a uh okay oh so what happened is he's asking for advice somewhere and someone goes

Hey, that's the guy. So he gets on a TikTok like almost accidentally and they go, that's the guy that disappeared. And that's how they find him. That's why it's interesting. Really? Oh my God. Even she's excited. So he shows up in this thing. In what town? I think it's San Diego. He didn't go that far then. But he fakes his death and then he goes. He said, should I go to Uzbekistan to meet with a woman despite being married? And they're like,

oh that's the guy and so they go did he go there and get married to someone else so that's how they crack the case god that's uh that's what they think oh maybe it's just think so that guy's been arrested what is the crime for faking your own death it's not as bad as killing someone no i think it's more

You get accused of being a coward for not divorcing your wife. - So in the public square, people shun you and say, "Liar!" - Coward! Shame! - Shame! Shame! - Lier! - Lier! Fibber! - You can fake your own death, but can anyone fake their own birth?

Let's look at a clip. I don't know. It just sounded funny. I don't know. Faked is over. It makes no logical sense. We talked about butt babies last week. We didn't put that clip, did we? Butt babies. Yeah, yeah. I sent it to you. I'm like, I don't know if this is a real clip. I'm not calling that real. Next one. Okay. Don't say anything yet. Hold on. She has this brilliant talent. Okay. This girl does...

I don't think it's that groundbreaking, but the length of it is funny. She does... We'll quickly comment as she goes. Okay. She has impressions of animals. Okay, good. Easy. American robin of all things. Pretty good. Too fast. Too fast. Anyone could do it. Anyone. Easy. Easy. Making her tongue weird is the key. Oh. That's nothing.

I'll give her that. They're too fast. That's stupid. Two out of ten. Eight out of ten. I like that. I like her face. Depending on what part of the country. What? Who is this person? They've pulled the camera back and...

Who the fuck knows what a cluka-bara sounds like? Every child can do that in school. Wow, that's pretty cool. Grandma's a lesbian. With the little whisper. I mean, she might be the fastest. I'll tell you what.

I hope Lauren saw that. The book Sapiens, if you think about the bioevolutionary advantage to have someone who can do these sounds, an ancient man on the prairie or hiding out in rocks trying to sleep, they can scare off. So there is a reason I just figured out.

why certain people can make sounds. Talk like other people. So if we go across the plains in a covered wagon, she might be the one to bring with us. You're the sound effect guy. The coyote walks up in the middle of the desert and I go, oh, there's a sprinkler. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-

I like, here's a cockapoo. That one's like, here's a caca bird. Caca, caca. I mean, after about three of them, I don't know what the hell. I did get a headache. Okay, here it is. Ready? Morning birds. Evening birds. Bird flying away.

That's the best one. Old-fashioned rotary phone. How do we get into this? Operator, give me line 0547532. I like when it's a short one. You just do the one. No one knows the joy of that. Heather's too young. Okay, next one, let's see. We're really boot scooting along. Columbia bans marriage after 17-year campaign.

Oh, they banned child marriage. You have to be 18 now to get married. Let's go, Columbia. Good job. How young could you be in Columbia and still get married? In Iraq, it's nine. Nine? I think they just said it's nine. Everything I say, I think. I think I just saw that, that it was nine, and everyone was like, I think that still feels low. So 17 years it took them to get married.

it to be like 18 years old so that's good progress yeah progress thank you you know i mean in caveman times when you you're an old man by 30 you get married at 12. you know we do have to adjust it a little bit yeah yeah yeah but you gotta speed up life a little bit when i think when when people are like at a party and i'm like how old's that guy they're like 85 i go jesus so

People are hanging in there. No, ancient tribe. You see a guy with gray, shaggly hair and jowls. He's like, I am chief of this tribe. I live for...

28 summers. They used to go by winter. And people quickly calculate and go, so he's 28? Yeah. Why did they not just make a mark on a tree? I like it. I live 31 winters. The oldest guy is like, oh. Okay, next one. These are worldwide stories we're breaking. It's great. It's international.

Okay, this is a basketball player, Hansel Manuel. Oh. And he has one arm, and he's a... Is this college? Yeah, right? Oh, here's Highlander.

The only question still lingering is if Tennessee can be a large hill to climb for that. So he's really good. Emmanuel's going to take a three. Book it. Look at that. And Emmanuel's got it here. Stealing. That was Purdy with the right hand. Wow. That's Purdy. That is extraordinary. That's crazy. Superstar basketball player. I can't do that well with two.

Well, a lot of, you know, when you look at Steph Curry and stuff, he's kind of balancing. I mean, it depends. He must have pretty big hands. But you need to kind of, you know, the way I shoot, everybody take notes. When you're doing those pickup games. When I'm doing fadeaways, this hand does help. Left hand helps me. No, no. I mean, obviously two hands is better, but, you know.

But that means that guy, he's got guts, he's got tenacity, he's adaptive. And he's actually good. He's really good. He's blocking shots. A lot is just one arm. He probably has a good vertical. He's stunking the ball. He's stunking? It's fantastic. Good for him. Good job, Manuel. That was our feel-good story. I was just going to say that. Yeah.

Go ahead, read this one. This store in China uses real people instead of mannequins to sell clothes. Okay. Oh, and there are little treadmills. Looks like they're doing TikToks. So they're just talking. They're walking on a treadmill in a store window.

So people can see what it would look like, not on a still mannequin, but on a moving human. Right. I like the idea. How long? You think your job's hard. How long could you walk in that treadmill without drenching in sweat? Well, the way I saw it, because it was a really short treadmill. It wasn't scarier. Not a lot of room for error. So I think they last until they fall off. God dang, you got to go, hey, time out. Because you have to let them know before you jump off.

you can't get too tired and get swept back like uh george judson or whatever yeah treadmills can be scary if you're really going fast you fly off yeah they really make they really make it to like the instagram fail videos there's a lot of treadmills in america's funniest home videos yeah i don't know if it's you i just do this but at the airport where there's a really long people mover

moving along and people get on that. I like to go not on the people mover, but go so fast that I go way past all of them. But you go on the regular sidewalk. I go on the regular stuff. I don't have nothing helping me, but I want to beat them. Yeah. Sometimes I do that just out of sheer, I'm so cramped up for the six hours I want to walk. I want to move. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I've sat more in the last four days than I have in the last 40. And I'm sitting now.

Yeah, it's embarrassing. All right, one more. Let's see. No, we need to do a couple more. Oh, I just thought this is a crazy photo. This is a Miami strip club. Look at the floor after the weekend. Wet cement and mud or something? Mud. That's money. What is it? Oh, money. Oh, wow. And that's a strip club. That's all money. They're just almost drowning in money. It's like ankle deep. I think they kick everybody out. They flip the lights on. They go, okay, gals, grab what you can. But

Who on God's green is spending that much? That's one of those things I never got into. If I had a couple of beans in my jeans, I don't throw my money. I don't try to waste it this fast and this hard. I have been to strip clubs in the old days, but it's such a clown show where they just, you know,

They don't like you as much as you think, Dana. I was in one once because Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson, the late great. Oh my God, Don Simpson. Just we're in a car in Vegas, me and Levinson. And then they took us to a strip club, my only time.

And I realized that every person up there is doing and dancing and stuff. And I thought, if they turned the lights up and said, "All strippers tonight will get paid triple, and you can all go home now," would they be happy or, "No, I want to flirt in my G-string." I like these guys, yeah. I like these people. But... Yeah, I know Lovitz is... I'd like to see Lovitz going, "Hello, I'm John Lovitz.

And this is a $1 bill. Would you like it? Jealous? And now I'll place it in your G-string and I want you to earn it. He says it like it's a magic trick. I started talking to a woman standing right in front of me dancing and I just started talking. She goes to school and where she grew up, I just don't find it.

appealing, but men have this, whatever you want to call it, this visual overdrive thing. But women, it seems like, is it bigger with women now because all the movies, Magic Mike, that women go see the Aussie, the Thunder from Down Under. Down Under. The Thunder from Down Under. Someone knows that title pretty well. I know. Ask Heather, are women that as visually orientated as men? Heather, when was the last time you went to a strip club for men? Never. Never.

Are you clamoring to? Would it be fun with a bunch of girls or no? They'd rather see girls. Yeah. It's more fun to go to a girl's strip club and see girls. By the way, if you have a girl's strip club, they are the number one girl that the girls go up to. They love it. Pretty girl walks in there. They get so excited.

- Interesting. - That's just facts. That's the fact. - I won't even, yeah, I'm just not gonna, I'm gonna let that- - You're just gonna listen. Just gonna listen. - Let that wave over us that men and women wanna see women strippers. - Yeah, it's facts. Okay, next one. Oh, this really got my goat. It almost burned my onion a little bit, if I could think of any onions. - Wow. - So when you go to Vegas and take out 20 bucks, you have to pay 11.99 fee at the ATM.

Well, hello, hello, hello. It's Vegas Policy and I'm going to take $20 out of the ATM machine in Las Vegas. $20 and the fee now here at MGM Properties is $11.99. So I'm hoping to make more than $12 from this video. I mean, come on. And we will see whether or not we can get any views. But $12 to take out... My God. Farley would have hated that. Yeah. Well, Farley's take out $20 a day.

And then, you know what strippers like is when you give them a 20 and then you go, can I get 18 back? They go, I'm sorry, what? They don't like to give change. 18 back. I'm just thinking of the Goombas, you know, these guys, these Vegas guys upstairs, you know.

All right, we're going to have the ATM meeting. All right, opening. What do you think? What's the most we can charge? What's too much? A dollar? People tell us to go fuck ourselves. What can we do? Five dollars. I got five dollars here. Could we go higher and still have them use the ATM? Boss?

I'm down. I'm telling you, they need money bad. I think we would go 850. 850. Okay, we got 850. You got anybody 10? You have 10. $10 so that they can pull their own fucking money out of the only fucking machine. You know, boss, I've been thinking I had a dream last night. We go 1199. 1199 once, 1192 twice. 1199, folks. Do you understand? So when I heard, if you told me, because I don't use an ATM anymore because I don't like getting shot.

It's really the most vulnerable, you're like a, people behind like. - I only do it in a grocery store. I don't do it out in the street, not in LA. - I only do it at my doctor's office. - So you get the money to pay him cash? Who's your doctor? Dr. Babingo? - By the way, I haven't been to a doctor that uses insurance in about 10 years. No one there, I was like, actually we don't use insurance here. You pay us.

Or they go, you pay us, then you figure it out with your insurance. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and you figure it out. And then insurance never sends anything. Yeah, and then they go, you could pay us right now. And then after that, you can go fuck yourself. I don't care at all what you do. Go fuck yourself is always the best way to end any conversation. Okay, so that one, I will say, if you told me what's too high at an ATM, I would say 199 is about as high as they could ever go. I think there was an ATM in a hotel.

And I think it was $450. Fuck, that's sickening. That's such a scam. But in the moment, you're like a monkey with a little, must have money. I'll pay anything. Just yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're just ripping up $100 bills at that point when you're in Vegas or you're at a strip club. You're just like, achoo. Exactly. That's what they want. All right, let's do one more. And then Dana, I got to get you to bed.

I will go right to sleep as soon as this. Oh, we're going to end on this one. This one might be too long. I just thought. It's all right. We did something like this. Oh, I like this. How far is a kilometer? Is that like a mile? A kilometer is like two and a half laps around the track. Okay, well, let's turn it on. So basically, you can have no sound. It doesn't matter. Yeah. So basically...

What's the fastest animal on earth now? Okay. So obviously cheetah gets to 500 for a hundred, a hundred K a hundred kilometers. Cheetah. Yeah. So here's one and a half kilometers. The horse starts beating the lion to beat. Yeah. And the cheetah here comes a fucking ostrich guys who had money on the ostrich. So now it's just down to the horse and the ostrich. Wow. Three miles, three miles, five miles. Each beats the horse.

And they destroy everyone else. Okay, the camel comes in. That's three miles. A camel? And then the camel's catching up to the horse and the ostrich is hanging in with all three now. It's catching up to the ostrich around 12 miles. And we're looking at 12 miles. Lions back. Look at these babies. Coyotes back. Oh, here's a human. Well, the human, we go far enough, the human will win. I do know that.

Okay. I wish you know that. I guess you haven't seen this. 13 miles. Oh, where is it going to end? We're at 22 miles. We're ending at 100, I guess. That seems a little... 100 miles? No one's running 100. Well, no, they have 100 mile runs. Yeah. Okay. So the human is gaining, David. Is it close to a mile? Well, 100 kilometers would be 60 miles. Okay. The human is passing the camel, folks. It's just in. And the horse. The human is in the lead. The horse too.

At 100, it won. Camel second. Wait, horse or ostrich beat the fucking horse at the last second. Oh, at the last second, the ostrich came in. Photo finish. 60 miles, humans dominate. Yeehaw! Is that how much it is, 60?

- 100 kilometers should be 62 miles. - 100 liters is a kilometer. - Well, 10 kilometers is 6.2 miles. - An ounce is a pound. - So 100 miles, can you count? 6.2 times 10. - 52, Dumbo. - 62. - And guess who got in last? The elephant, fourth year in a row.

So if you try to run away from an ostrich, just try to get away within the first 100 meters because it will hunt you, claw at you, and kill you. By the way, the ostrich is like, why am I running 100 meters? What are we doing? Why did I do this? 60 miles without water or food? Yeah, get by. I could tell by the little am...

the animation that the guy had. He had a power aid and a clip bar in his pocket. - The Dane guy? I pictured you. I was like, "Okay, Dane running." Dane is a good runner. - Oh, I was. Back in the day. - Well, I tell you, we didn't run, we hopped. We were running from a lion. - I'll tell you a fun fact that I was coming, when you leave the good nights at SNL, sometimes you do it with the host.

You go into this sort of under the bleachers and you come out. So I think it was John Mulaney. He just went right before me and I think he was going and then he started skipping.

And I started skipping too. And skipping feels really good compared to walking or even running. It does different muscles. So now if you ever see me on SL, I'm going back in December. You see me come off the stage. Just remember within seconds, I will be skipping for quite a while. Okay. That's kind of inside baseball. Well, we learned something new about Dana. He likes to skip. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, Dana, it's been a great time with you. Thank you for having me, David. Oh, next week we have two guests. Oh, we do? I'll tell you later. Oh, interesting. Okay, you're

You're full of surprises today. Stick around. Talk to us on YouTube. Smash the button. Beat the fuck out of the button. Yeah. Our contract's coming up pretty soon, so just fucking annihilate the button. Like it. Repeat your comment. I don't even know what helps. Pretend to be other people and hit it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Thanks, Dana. All right. We'll catch you on the fly. Bye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.