Lauren Handel Zander on the Power of Radical Personal Accountability EP 500
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UMBC's programs in geographic information systems translate to career growth. GIS jobs have increased 98% over the last few years across a variety of industries. At UMBC, you'll go further. Getting technical leadership experience as well as advanced knowledge of emerging GIS applications, UMBC brings it all together at the Rockville and Baltimore campuses. Learn more at further.umbc.edu.

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Coming up next on Passion Struck. When you design your day, you're not just doing a to-do list or what's going to happen. It's an outcome for what you're up to and your intention written out for the day. The concept really is that if you tell yourself from your higher selves what you want to have happen each day,

It's like directing your subconscious. And it's a profound way to keep a record of your own life and then design your day so that you're not just doing whatever you're doing. It's way more being connected to what you're doing.

Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the

power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries and athletes. Now, let's go out there and become passion struck. Hello, everyone, and welcome to a truly special episode.

our 500th of passion struck. I want to start by extending a heartfelt thank you to all of you are amazing listeners for your unwavering support, whether you've been with us from the beginning, or you're just joining the journey, your loyalty and engagement have made this milestone possible.

I'm also incredibly grateful for the over 45 million downloads. The show wouldn't be what it is without each of you. Reaching 500 episodes means so much to me, not just because of the number, but because of the impact we've created together. Week after week, you return to learn, grow, and find new ways to live better, be better, and to make a meaningful difference in the world.

For that, I'm eternally grateful. If you're new here, welcome to the movement. Or if you've been thinking about introducing the show to a friend or a family member, which we truly appreciate, we've got you covered. With over 500 episodes in the catalog, it can be tough to know where to start.

That's why we've created Episode Starter Packs curated playlist to help you dive right in. We've organized them by theme like top behavioral science episodes, physical and mental health, astronauts, military leaders, and women at the top of their game. Head over to Spotify or visit passionstruck.com/starterpacks to find your perfect entry point. Earlier this week, I had a fascinating conversation with Dr. David Yeager, a leading psychologist known for his research with Carol Dweck and Angela Duckworth. We discussed his new book, 10 to 25,

The Science of Motivating Young People, which dives deep into how we can better inspire the next generation. Be sure to check that out. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to take a moment to share some exciting news. My book Passion Struck recently won both Best Business Book and Best E-Book at the 2024 International Business Awards.

The Stevies, often called the Oscars of the business world. The book also hit number one on Amazon in multiple categories and became an international bestseller. On top of that, Passion Struck won a gold medal at the Global Book Awards for Business Life and a silver medal in self-help. I am incredibly humbled and grateful for your support in making this possible. Now, let's move on to today's exciting guest for our 500th episode, Lauren Handel Zander.

is the founder and ceo of the handle group a master life coach and the creator of the handle method and interview lauren is not just any coach she is the coach to coaches change makers and disruptors including high profile names like hugh jackman

Westlove, and executives at Live Nation, Ticketmaster, Dropbox, and Sequoia. Her methodology has been taught at prestigious institutions such as MIT, the Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. Author of the transformative book, Maybe It's You, Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life, Lauren is known for her take-no-prisoners brand of radical politics.

personal accountability. She helps people confront what's standing between them and their ideal lives, guiding them to realign their head, heart, and body to achieve true personal integrity. Featured in renowned publications like New York Times, BBC, Forbes, Women's Health, Dr. Oz, and Marie Claire, Lauren has also appeared on some of the world's most popular podcasts, including The Tim Ferriss Show, and now Passion Struck.

In today's episode, Lauren will share her insights on internal dialogue, the power of altering the choices we make, and how to course correct our lives towards our deepest aspirations. Her direct funny and inimitable style will help you understand the incredible pride that

that comes with taking control of your life and confronting what's holding you back. Prepare to be inspired as Lauren Zander teaches us how to dream bigger, achieve personal happiness, self-esteem, and confidence through her proven step-by-step program. I can't think of a better guest to mark this milestone with. So let's dive deep into this incredible conversation

with Lauren on PassionStruck. Thank you for choosing PassionStruck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now, let that journey begin.

UMBC's programs in geographic information systems translate to career growth. GIS jobs have increased 98% over the last few years across a variety of industries. At UMBC, you'll go further. Getting technical leadership experience as well as advanced knowledge of emerging GIS applications, UMBC brings it all together at the Rockville and Baltimore campuses. Learn more at further.umbc.edu.

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I am absolutely thrilled today to have Lauren Handel Zander on PassionStruck. Welcome, Lauren. Thank you for having me. I like to introduce these episodes by allowing the audience to get to know you. And today I'm actually talking to you and you're in Croatia. And I understand this isn't the first time that you have traveled outside of the U.S. I understand that when you were in your late teens, you experienced a life-altering trip to Israel.

where you lived in a kibbutz. How did this experience shape who you are today? Well, first of all, I wasn't in one of the kibbutzes that anyone knew English. So I was actually in a place where I was very alone for the first time in my life. And there was like two people who could speak. And so that was really the first time that I had to be alone with myself every single day. And that was really awesome.

And there was no entertainment, right? So I was reading books and I had really just my own mind to entertain myself with besides the fact that I was cooking for 300 people, vegetarian food. Anyway, the big event that had happened in my life when I was there was my bird story.

along with being able to really find out that I got to know myself and had to listen to my voice in my head and really start to engage with who am I and who I'm going to be because I was 19 years old then. So the story goes that, oh, I am assuming this is the story because in Israel, there was this moment where I found like literally a voice came off in my head, like, hey, look in the bush.

And I went and looked in the bush and there were two little birds. And I was like, oh my God, I can't believe my head. And I looked at them and I ran back to the kitchen and found the one guy who knew English and was like, what do I do?

And it was so interesting because this was the man who I could speak to because he knew English, but he was in an affair for 13 years. And he and the woman were miserable. And I get to know people and all their stories. And so I was like, why don't you do something about it? And he's like, you can't, Lauren. You have to leave the world the way the world is. I wasn't going to mess up her marriage. And so there I was going to that man about the two little birds. And I was like, what do I do? And he's like, again, you leave them.

It's nature. And I went back to my siesta, right? Like I went back to my, I listened to him because I didn't know what to do. And I was laying there compulsing. And I like ran out of the bed, right? But ran out of the bed and go back to where the little birds were.

basically fell out of their nest or something had happened and saw one bird was dead and the other one was gone, right? In that 40 minutes, however long it was. And in that moment, I understood for the first time that one, I should have asked myself what to do.

instead of going to that one guy that I really didn't want to listen to. Oh, God. And then the other thing was that that's what humans can do. That was my opportunity to make a difference. I could have saved the birds, maybe. And I will never know because I didn't actually use the opportunity. And I made a promise for the rest of my life that if I can make a difference, I will. And I will do it from my own instinct and risk it all. Well, I love that as a starting point for this podcast.

And I'm going to use that to jump to a quote from my friend, Sharon Salzberg, who said, there's no commodity that we can take with us. There's only our lives and whether we live them wisely or whether we live them in ignorance. And this is everything. And to me, what she's saying here is that we have the power of choice and how we want to live our lives wisely.

And one of the things that you're very well known for is radical personal accountability. How does radical personal accountability help us live our lives wisely and avoid living in ignorance? So I believe in transparency. If I'm going to do it, whether it's get a boob job, whether it's start a business with someone, no matter what it is, you hear how extreme those two are. If I'm going to do it, I have to be willing to tell anyone that I did it.

I don't believe in lying. I'm against all lying. I'm even against secret keeping. I have clients who can tell me a secret and I won't tell anybody anything. But if everything in my life I'm accountable for, and if I'm willing to live it out loud and tell everyone, then basically that's how it's good with you.

One of the things that I have often found is people sometimes think that it's the mega moments in our life, whether it's getting married, having a child, et cetera, that define us. And I've really come to understand that it's more the transitions between those big moments that define us. Those transitions where we're just in our daily routine and we're living life how we feel it's flowing.

And what ends up happening when we're in those is we're typically not intentional or really conscious about the choices that we're making. And yet those events still happen. But I think we experience them differently when we are conscious about how we want to live life. What are your thoughts on that?

I'm a design addict, right? Like I believe in designing your life. I believe in being true to your dreams, right? And then I help people have dreams in all 12 areas of life.

And that when you have a vision for your whole life, you can always change it. If you're not stuck with any vision, but you have a vision in an area of life, then that really is like your compass to what you get to do every single minute. I believe that there's two states. There's this you're of life.

And of life is this macro, like you once were two, you'll be 80, right? We'll have children if you want, right? So there's this of state of life where it's everything you ever wanted and everything you've ever done. And that is a constant presence. And then from there, there is in life, which is how much water do you drink? And do you exercise? And are you proud of yourself? And how's your marriage? Or do you want to get married?

And so then how you deal with what you do moment to moment, I think, is connected to this much bigger gate, like visions for all areas of your life. And so basically, I am really asking people to constantly dream.

And then because the human mind spends over 80% of its spots in negative, negativity, by having to dream and have visions and write it out and start to think about it, it's rewiring how we talk to ourselves and think inside.

And when you think about the dreams that we have in life for any of us, it's often, as you were saying, these 80% of thoughts that are negative that become the unmanaged thoughts that start impacting our inner dialogues. Why does that often lead to dream decay? How do you describe dream decay and how do you break free from it?

So you have to be benign. You have to understand that it is an inner war, right? You are going to be fighting for your dreams. And that's a beautiful thing, right? You're going to be fighting to be free and happy and being true to yourself. And if you're, and you have to be into that, right? I don't know if everyone's into that. I'm certainly into that. And that's what I teach. And so dream decay is an inner dialogue between,

where you use events from your past that hurt you or things you failed at to start to not believe that things are possible, right? Because of the past, the future could suck. Or because of my last relationship. If you saw I'm divorced, now how do I believe in love, right? So a past precedent for doom.

Right. Rather than the past is teaching you how to get what you want. Right. So I believe hardcore in spinning your language in your mind toward your dreams and being really clear that you're fighting against your own negativity. And that basically is the sport of being alive. It ain't going anywhere. Right. No matter how much you succeed, you're still going to hear a negative inner dialogue.

No, absolutely. And I think a lot of people, in fact, I think the vast majority of people experience this dream decay and they end up falling into what Henry David Thoreau called quiet desperation. And once you reach that point, you feel like you're in this position where you're living in the gaps in your life instead of the gains, as Benjamin Hardy eloquently wrote in his book.

How do you start changing that dynamic so that you're able to break through and overcome that quiet desperation to become the person you aspire to be? So I have a person write a dream, right? Like you really do need to write a dream in one of the 12 areas of life is how I categorized it. And a dream in the area of love.

What's your dream? You could be in a marriage. You could be like, so what is your vision for it? And take a year's time, right? Put it in time and go, what are you committed to for this year? And then you write a vision. Finding love.

someone who I can, and then fill in the blank, right? Write that dream. And you're like, do I want that? Is that my, on a scale of one to 10, is that my 10? And if the answer is yes, then go to the next step. Okay. And then basically I have people make promises to

What I teach is personal integrity, which is learning how to keep a promise to yourself. We can keep promises to other people, but we really can suck at keeping them to ourselves. And so then I make the person make basically one to three really good promises in an area, whether it's dating, whether it's your career, whether it's your body, whether it's your sleep habit, whatever it is, you're basically three promises away from

and keeping it for a month, like start keeping it, and you will feel different and the decay will go away. So it's not actually very hard to dismantle the decay. It really is just a commitment to yourself that takes on the right promise. And someone usually should hold that promise, not that you probably suck at keeping that promise in that area. So you need to make a promise and have someone hold you accountable for it.

But it's beautiful, and it really does work. I've been doing this now for over 20 years, and it's truly possible to change in a month. Well, that's incredible, and it gives people hope that they can change that quick. You really can. Lauren, if I understand that correctly, the 12 areas of life are self, body, love, spirituality, career, money, time, home, family,

friends, fun and adventure, and community and contribution. Do I have that list correct? You totally have it correct. Okay. So I remember when I was experiencing my life and it wasn't going in according to the dream that I had for it, I happened to see a life coach who gave me this great analogy that if I look at the different areas of life that you mentioned, he said, right now you are living on a stool

like your kitchen stool and your life is made up of these different areas that are completely imbalanced. And he goes, what you need to do is recraft your life with as many pillars as you want underneath of it. But the most important thing is to keep them in balance with each other and feeding off of each other. Do you think that's a good analogy to how you think about closing that gap? Well, I've never thought of him.

Usually when people come to me, they're coming because there's some area they're suffering in. Right. And that area, the person is sad because they're 37 years old and they want children.

Right. Or they thought they'd be further ahead in their career and they're really disappointed about something. So it isn't that their whole life isn't working. It's one area is usually causing pain or their health is really a problem. And because their body makes them unhappy, they're underwhelming themselves in who they're dating.

So they know it's this is connected to that. So usually it could be money's connected to your career or your family issue is connected to your career. So they're interconnected, but usually there's a pain point someone's working on. And then, but what I have people do is write their dreams in full 12 areas. And if you understand neuro-linguistics and you start to have people start to dream and have visions,

The more you have a dream and talk about it, and then you start to focus on another area where you're really taking good action, then it becomes really more simple to take on the next set of promises. So it's a gradient of building change into your life is how I do it as a coach.

And so what you're saying is the imbalance with pillars needs fixing, which is the same exact thing, but it's a person who picks the main pain point and then goes after healing and resolving that one area by taking the right actions. And then they start to feel better and then gain momentum.

UMBC's programs in geographic information systems translate to career growth. GIS jobs have increased 98% over the last few years across a variety of industries. At UMBC, you'll go further. Getting technical leadership experience as well as advanced knowledge of emerging GIS applications, UMBC brings it all together at the Rockville and Baltimore campuses. Learn more at further.umbc.edu.

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It's got a lot of similarities because, and maybe he was a student of your work, but he really said what you need to do is pick an area where you feel you are most out of tune

with yourself. And for me, it happened to be a lot of PTSD from when I was in service that I had suppressed. And until I got through those stuck points, nothing else was going to function the way I wanted it to in my life. And the interesting thing for me is the more effort I put in that one area, the more it started opening up other areas of my life that seemed to be fixing themselves just because I

I was working on that one. It was making a positive difference. It made it easier then to say, I want to fix this area and I want to put some work here. And before I knew it,

six, seven areas in my life were getting better. Is that kind of what happened? That's exactly the pain point. And then it starts moving and then things start getting better. And usually it's one thing that's killing a person the most, right? Like you're not really happy in your marriage and then you can't really be happy across the board because you're suffering, right? And then one doesn't take much to have a person be disappointed, right?

So you have to watch out for how addicted we are to being negative. And so then if you have something that's hurting you, if you don't clear it up, it really can be pervasive. So then it works the other way too. You start to clear that up and then everything starts to feel better because you're actually handling the one heavy load you didn't know you were really carrying that was screwing with everything else.

It works both ways. Well, that's great advice. And I'm glad that your method and this one that I implemented both had the same

general outcome. Now, you have worked with some amazing people, both in companies and individuals alike. And one of them happens to be one of my favorite actors, Hugh Jackman. And Hugh said about you, Lauren has changed my life. I can flat out say I've never been happier, more fulfilled, or more certain and excited about the path ahead of me. And when I see Hugh Jackman, and I'm

I've been a fan for years and years. You typically see an actor who most people think is one of the most authentic, happy, engaging actors that there is. And obviously you can't go into his personal story, but he was saying in one of the articles I was reading that every day now he forms a promise and uses that in how he navigates his day.

Can you talk about what that exactly is and how that formula works? Yeah. So Hugh does what I teach, which is called a daily design, right? A DD, daily design. He designs his day every day before it happens. He also does a purge, which is anything in his head that's negative. He gets out before he designs his day.

And when you design your day, you're not just doing a to-do list or what's going to happen, right? It really is, well, it's an outcome for what you're up to, right? And your intention written out for the day. And you really can game the system, right? So the concept really is that if you tell yourself from your higher self,

what you want to have happen each day. It's like directing your subconscious. And then at the end of the, before he sends the next days, he rates his day on a scale of one to 10 and acknowledges himself also for what worked or what didn't work. And it's a profound way to keep a record of your own life and then design your day so that you're not just doing whatever you're doing, right? It's way more being connected to what you're doing.

Thank you for explaining that. And I want to use this as a way to introduce your book. Maybe it's you is the title of it. And when I was reading the beginning of this book, it reminded me of something a friend of mine said. That friend is Navy SEAL Mark Devine. And I remember he was telling me about his story. Mark started out working for a big four consulting firm. And during this journey, he was also going back to school.

to get a master's degree. And he had a big gap of time between when work ended and when classes began. And he decided to fill this time, he was going to start studying martial arts. And as he got more into martial arts, he discovered mindfulness. And what he started to learn is that the questions that you ask yourself define who you will become, meaning asking the right questions

enables you to discover your authentic voice to a fulfilling life, which has a lot of parallels to what you talk about. How do you ensure that you ask yourself the right questions

and get in the habit loop of asking yourself questions. Every day when you design your day, it's like, what do I want today to be? Like, what do I want to fulfill on today? And I send my daily design to three people, right? And who are reading it. And so fulfillment really comes from what are you creating? And that question, if you're asking it about your entire day and then you're answering to yourself and other people that you love,

How did you do today? And then I even add in a very cool principle I learned from Neville Goddard, which is anything that I did like today, I rewrite it.

So I ask myself, was there anything that I did love about today? And then if there is, I actually believe it went differently. And that's pretty funky, but it's all about a state of managing the art of believing. And so those are the questions that I stick to.

And they happen all day long. And then I have another rule that I recommend, which is that if, and I do this with all my clients, if you're ever under an eight on a scale of one to 10, if you're ever under an eight and you're like growling, something's up, right? You have to stop the action and write a purge, which is what's going on in that head of yours.

and get it out and send it to someone who will care or read it. And then what you also do is you write a talkback to the purge, right? And so I call that purge either your lower self, your highest lower self,

which is also your lower self, but a little more of a yelling at you and telling you're not good enough and do it again. And then you actually have your higher self, which you can't know what your higher self would say to what you're upset about or what you're doing until you actually ask that question of your own higher self. So that is a, I talk to, I ask my higher self what it thinks all day long.

I like it because in the book you write, the ease at which we're all tolerating what isn't working in our lives is fairly impressive. But here's the thing. If we stay stuck in the premise that we make our beds and now have to live in them, do we ever have to be fully responsible for causing the change we deeply desire? And I think it's fair to say when you look at this that

All of us are influenced in our lives. We're influenced by where we were born, who our parents were, the interactions that we have, and they end up establishing beliefs and the values that end up shaping us. But I firmly believe that one of the most important things we need to do is to keep an open mind about those assumptions that we have and that they can be changed. Do you feel the same thing?

I love that. I think we are living in theories. Oh, it doesn't happen for me. Oh, it could happen for me. Or what, like you are in a constant state of thought turns into a theory. Well, if that might be true, then what do I really think is going to happen? And then over time, the thought that turns into a theory goes into a belief. And so if that's true,

then you can design or ask yourself, like you were talking about, bringing up a good question that asks you, like, what do you want to prove? What theory do you want to turn into a belief? Now you're having fun, right? Because there isn't this real reality.

Right. And then we all get into the assumption that there's this real world. And then if you can shake that up by asking yourself to dream and then going, what are the assumptions you're making that stop that dream from having? Now you're out to kill your own negative theory and replace it with a theory worth having. That's called thinking. Hey, now you're thinking, which is really you have to deal with where you showed up. That's exactly what this is all about.

You had a theory. The theory isn't making you happy. What are you going to do about it? No one's coming. You're the only one. Please, I beg you to believe in yourself and believe in what's possible. So as I was reading this chapter, you have different assignments in the different chapters. And in this one, I got to thinking about our dreams are often synonymous with our bucket list. However, your assignment here is to write down at least three accomplishments you've made happen in your life.

And when I thought about this, I happened to interview, when I first started this podcast, this guy called Trev Bell. And he terms of self the bucket list guy. He even has that domain. But as we were talking about this, he brought up a concept that I'd never heard about that reminded me of this exercise. And he said that oftentimes people get stuck in pursuing their dreams because they're

they fear what it's going to take to do them. And he said, one of the best exercises you can do is the reverse bucket list, meaning start writing down all the things in your life that you've accomplished that you never thought in a million years that you could do. And it reminded me of this exercise too, because once you start doing that, you realize the things that you've already accomplished and what took you to get there. Is that a good way to think about what you're asking people to do?

I love that. So I make people make a bucket list and a bucket list. And then depending on who I'm talking to, if they really never, like they live in an imposter syndrome and they're really accomplished, then they deeply need to figure out all the things they've accomplished and why nothing's good enough.

And what's going on in that head of theirs that nothing is enough. So I love the idea of what you're saying because it's really the inner dialogue that is meant that you have to learn to take over and you need to know your own when it comes to how you treat yourself around accomplishing. So everyone has their own path.

special relationship to how they talk to themselves about that list. So yes, you should see your list and then also figure out how you interact with yourself about it. And that, and you can always change how you interact with yourself. Like you can change your mind anytime you catch that it's doing something that you don't like.

And I think that's a concept that people need to go, oh, changing your mind is a rite of passage, right? Oh, I can change my mind. I can learn new things. I once had someone make a list of everything they're scared of to do.

Right. And I teach people to put consequences in for hard promises, like something you really want to accomplish or do, but you're scared you're not going to do it. And then I take the list of the things that they're scared of that they wish they would do. And then that's the consequence, right? So yes, you will be jumping out of a plane if you don't actually do that, right? So that's an extreme one, but so you can get it. Thank you for sharing that. And when you go back to your list of the 12 areas, what's

One of the ones that I think people have trouble with is time and mastering time. People, including myself, we struggle with balancing deadlines, commitments, and distractions. However, what I have found through my own work is that if you use time in the right way, it's actually malleable, meaning there are times when I am so immersed in doing something that

it feels like it's three minutes and five hours have slipped by. But there are other times where it feels like five hours and I've totally immersed myself and accomplished something great in a short period of time. What are some of your best pieces of advice on managing time appropriately? Well, most people are lying about their relationship to time and they want to suck at it, right? Being good at time means you actually do have to deal and accomplish things.

Right. So time is like addition and subtraction, right? You set an alarm, you stop, you get up, you put your feet on. It actually is something you have dominion over, not getting to the airport on time, but you can leave on time. Right. So time is a really interesting place where I can teach people how much they lie to themselves about their power. So I tend to use time that way.

Just I can put someone on a diet, not because I'm trying to get them skinny, but just like you can see how much a person's inner dialogue is running the show by giving them or like strict instructions. And then you can hear what you're saying to yourself. And so time is a perfect place where you really can manage yourself.

And how are you about it? That's where you can figure out if you're moody and how you talk to yourself. It's a perfect structure for me to teach you your inner dialogue. Well, speaking about the different voices that are in our heads, you write about the chicken, the brat, and the weather reporter. And I was hoping you could go into each one of these.

All right. So when I'm working on getting a person to just start to hear the voices in their head, there are three buckets or categories that you could say, sadly, most negative inner dialogue can land in. Okay. And then most people lean more to one than the other.

Right. But they're both basically happening. And the third one is also happening. Right. The chicken is the voice of I can't, I won't, it won't work out. Everything that you're saying to yourself, don't ask him, don't tell him, don't get a raise, don't do that. Like every don't you have in your head, very likely if you're scared, what's going to happen and you're doing on the other side, like I know what's going to happen. It's going to be good. That's the voice of the chicken. And we all have a chicken there. Right.

So that's one. The other is the voice of the brat. A bratty voice is I'll do it tomorrow. Leave me alone. I'm not good at that. I'll never be good at that. I was never, all year I will never be able to fall under brat. Okay. Or can't quit smoking cigarettes. That's a brat. Can't stop eating that.

rat, right? Like you could, if I gave you $10,000 not to eat that today, guess who would be fine and happy not eating that today? So there's this test of, can you keep a promise if you really wanted to? The answer usually is yes, but the voice of the chicken and the brat make you think you never can, right? And then the final voice that I describe, which is a little trickier to understand, is the weather reporter,

which is the weather reporter is the voice in your mind that's making generalization that you relate to like they're facts. I've never been good at being a morning person. I'm just not one, right? Oh, anything that you say about yourself, like a weather report, what's cold outside, and I can't have a good relationship with that person.

Really? It is cold outside, but why can't you have a good relationship with the person? And could you change, you know, the weather? The answer is no, but could you change what's happening with that person? The answer is yes. And so I make a joke that I call people acting like they're weather reporters, where they're speaking about facts, but it really is an opinion or something you're proving in a theory. And then most weather reports or weather fronts,

are either chicken-based or brat-based, right? I've never been able to lose the weight. I'm bad at it. I have a problem with it. It's true, but it's more of a weather report about yourself, like it's cold in Alaska. Well, I love those three descriptions. And I recently came out with a book earlier this year and a chapter that goes after this a completely different way. It's more about the influences that impact us. And I also had three categories.

I had the pain in the ass person, the invisible influencer and the blood sucker. So the blood sucker is that person in our life who wants every drop of blood that they can get from us because they want us to help them get personal gain at our expense. The invisible suffocator is that person who,

who is always glass half empty. They're always the pessimist in your life telling you why you can't achieve the dreams that you have and the pain in the ass are those people who gossip behind her back, who are...

Basically, that nagging person who doesn't stop talking, doesn't stop telling you all the things that are holding you back in life. And as I looked at these, I thought that there were some interesting intersection points between my three and the three you have and how we operate our own lives. What do you think?

I think that's brilliant. I think I need to think about it because I think I can figure, I think I can locate what you're talking about and then what a person has to be like, because I'm fixing, I'm helping people stop not being happy. Right. And so you're describing what would make a person very unhappy, right? It intersects perfectly. Right. But like, how would you fix that in that individual? Why are they like that?

Right. Like, how come they see the world that way? Where did it come from? And then how do they get out of it? Right. And so that voice that has to never get out of it is a brat. Right. Right. So the person who doesn't think they need you to do it for them, that's a brat. Right. And they're not right. So I can definitely start to connect our dots on what's going on in the individual that would be being like what you're describing.

and how it works in their head. I kind of see the same exact thing. And what was even more uncanny to me, given I hadn't read your book until I prepared for our interview, is I describe being passion struck as really someone who aligns their values and actions with their plan, meaning their short-term ambitions and their long-term aspirations. And in your book,

You write that the ability to make and keep a promise for ourselves is a match with our dream, which is personal integrity, which is the alignment of your heart, meaning your desires, your mind, your plan, and your body, which is your action, which they were very close. I think I just added more words to the exact same concept, right? We align. I don't even hear any, that's the same thing. I threw a little hard at it, but you have some passion. Love it.

I think something that you write about here is absolutely true. And that is we tend to put out that we are passion struck or we have personal integrity. Yet oftentimes we have everything but personal integrity. And you write, it's pretty simply, there's no fairy dust here. You can keep making a promise to yourself.

But oftentimes you don't. So how do you learn to do what I think is the most important thing here, which is to start trusting yourself? Because I often say that when you look at yourself in the mirror every single day, the greatest person you're ever going to meet is that person staring back at you. But the biggest critic that person's ever going to meet is the person staring back at them as well. And it's really that gap between seeing your unique strengths and

And the fact that you don't trust that those strengths can influence the world and make an impact. That's beautiful. What's the question? You sound fabulous. Well, I guess the question is, if you're living in that gap, what is the path out of it to find happiness, pride, and confidence? It's the right promises, right? So it's always action first.

Like the actions you're taking mirror what you think. So if I hear about a person's day, you can hear if they're happy or depressed or how they're interacting with their life is based on what you're doing all day long, right? I can tell what's important to you. So if you want to change your life, you'd have to change your actions. And learning to take any new action is transformational.

Right. So I started working with a man who wanted to change his life recently. Right. And we figured it out. He had to get out of bed an hour earlier and everything in his life would change. Right. Because he was bitching about not getting to exercise. It was his kid's fault. Like he had a list of why he wasn't having what he wanted. And then by the time we were done, it was an hour difference in the morning and a few rituals during the day.

And it wasn't even difficult to fix his marriage, right? So it wasn't like what was missing is huge.

But having sex once a week, getting up an hour earlier and doing your meditation and exercise, right, that it changed everything in his self-respect, which is what you're talking about. So you have to respect yourself, that person in the mirror, and how you respect yourself. You know exactly how to respect yourself. There's a voice in your head constantly yelling at you about what you're not doing.

And so you're not going to just wake up and do everything, but you can certainly start by one or two good promises. And then you'll see one or two good promises that you start keeping changes everything. It really does because you are that common denominator. So if you start to change something, everything looks different.

Well, I love that because it completely ties into the next chapter you had in your book, which is getting your head under new management or how do you change your mind? And it's interesting, as I was preparing for this, I decided to work on a solo episode and I, for some reason, started to investigate the life of Edwin Hubble, who's known, most people know for the Hubble telescope, but they

Don't realize that before he made these incredible discoveries that really brought about the Big Bang theory and its truthfulness, there was a completely different way that astronomers looked at the cosmos. They thought that it was static. And he came to this conclusion that...

or this observation at first, that as he was looking at the cosmos, things were actually moving, and they were moving farther and farther away. But he was in disbelief because it went against every single thing that he had ever heard or believed in and what all the scientists taught. But then he went through this process of he kept validating what he was seeing, he kept observing it, and eventually changed his mind that

what everyone was thinking was true wasn't true. And the world was absolutely operating differently. And to me, it's a really good example of someone who changed their mind by going through this process of intellectual humility and the impact that he's had. And I think that's what you're really talking about in this chapter. What, in your opinion, is the first step to getting your head under new management? I...

Have a person write down their negative inner dialogue at least three times a day. Catch what you're saying to yourself, whether it's every time you eat or every time you go to the bathroom and you actually have to get good at repeating what it said, right? So most people are mortified to actually report on the voice because the voice is so rude or vicious, right?

Or it's just bizarre, right? And then what happens is we protect the voice in our head by either one, not thinking we heard it or believing it or hiding it. Like we have a bully that we're protecting rather than a voice we're dissecting. And so step one is write down your negative inner dialogue till it's funny.

Until you're telling on it and it comes with your packaging. Not if you have, we poop, right? And we don't take that personally, right? We go to the bathroom and we poop, right? So what if your negative inner dialogue or these thoughts that you've never consented to are just poop, right? And that's what, that's step one in getting, managing your mind under your own dominion.

Thank you for sharing that, Lauren. And one of the things that I thought was really interesting about your work is when I think about our dreams and you and I share the same thought about the need for deliberate action. In fact, the one criticism I've gotten about my book is that I keep repeating that if you want to change your life, it means you've got to take deliberate action to do. And I kept reiterating it because it's so important. Without the action, nothing is going to happen.

It's the whole psychology of progress. But I think you write in the book this in an eloquent way. You say, look at an area where you have realized your dreams, where you handled your head and you got into the right actions, where the promises made to yourself mattered. And I want to stop here because I think one of the biggest issues we have in society today is a lack of mattering.

I call it unmattering. People feel like they don't matter. And mattering means you don't feel like you matter to others. But I think oftentimes we don't even feel like we matter to ourselves because we have disappointed ourselves so many times that we almost become numb to it. Is that kind of what you were talking about here?

That's like a person thinks they have this identity that's always been this way. I've been, I am this way, right? They define themselves into a situation that they think they can't change, right? So I know who I am. I've always been this way is one of the biggest problems, but who said that voice in your head? And then I usually it's fear-based or, you

Vice based, like you have a vice that's keeping itself very active, right? So there's usually something being managed by the mind and it's usually some kind of an addiction. So usually why a person isn't dreaming in an area, they could be hurt, but there's something that they're scared of and they're not willing to take the big risk and believe in themselves. And all of that is the voice in your head running amok.

And you have to be able to hear it and tell on it and not believe it. And then the only way out. And that in and of itself is a set of actions, right? Writing down what the little voice is saying in your head is one of the biggest actions you can take to start to understand. Is that? And then I make good jokes like, is that your mom, your dad? We're a variation, right? Like, where'd you get that voice? And who sounds like that? And then the minute you start doing that, you have a choice.

And it's a natural choice. Are you going to listen to that? Is that you? Do you believe that? Or are you going to believe that? Rather than this pervasive, you're stuck as this person.

Well, this reminded me of a gentleman I interviewed in the first season of this podcast. His name is Nate Dukes, and I actually included him in a chapter in my book where I'm actually summarizing if you take the steps to becoming passion struck, the transformation that can occur. And the backstory on Nate is he was a young professional entrepreneur.

was working in a startup company that got successful. And before he knew it, he had more money than he had ever had. And he started doing things with it that were counterproductive to his life, drugs, alcohol, you name it.

But worse than that, he started to steal from his company to feed his habits and he got caught doing it. And he tried to run away from it and ended up stealing a vehicle, fell asleep in that car in a parking lot in a gas station a couple of states away and got arrested. So as he was coming out of this, every single person, whether it was in jail or his own family or friends, all told him the same thing. You can't change.

And what Nate told me at this point was that he came to this profound realization when he had hit bottom that the best thing about being at bottom is that you can rebuild your life brick by brick and you can rewire your thoughts and your value systems and everything else. And I like to use his example because it doesn't take you losing everything like he did to do this.

It just takes intentional effort, meaning, as you write, in any area of your life where you're suffering, struggling, and stuck, your thoughts match your results, period. In this, you lay out five basic steps to reclaim your mind, and you have observe it, name it, stop it, replace it, and implement it. Out of those five steps, which one do you think is the hardest one to do?

The first one, write it down, right? Like people are avoiding writing down. Like first you have to be committed to actually doing the steps, right? If you just did one, that would really get the job done, but though it's a big move. But a person really writing down their negative inner dialogue is a miracle because you would only be writing it, like you're not writing it down. By even saying it's your negative inner dialogue, what's it saying? The minute you go, there's an it.

It's not you. It comes with you. So it naturally has a variation of my mind is saying this. And that revelation is the first step and the most critical step for you to get. You could change your mind down the next, follow the instructions, right? But most people don't want to write down what they're saying to themselves. They're really, they're really unconscious to it or subconsciously dealing with it.

So Lauren, another person I wanted to mention who's a friend of both of us is Dr. Mark Hyman. Mark wrote the foreword for your book. He's been on my podcast three times now. He endorsed my book. And I really love his work, especially on how do you create your future self or the longevity that you want in your life. And I love that he's doubled down on your work because as I've talked to Mark,

What he and I have both really come to the conclusion of is if you want to change any area of your life, it really comes down to changing the behaviors that you have in that area. How do you apply the work that you're doing to someone's life where they want to expand their health span? Well, first of all, I love... Mark showed up in my house when I had very little kids and took me and my kids...

threw every product in the house and threw out two big garbage bags worth of food, right? And we threw it all out, right? Anything that had more than five ingredients was out, right? It changed my life forever. Like just to even understand my butter spray had to go, right? When a person writes in their dream that they're committed to their body,

They make a list of the actions that they're going to take. And then because of the influence Mark has on me, I put in that his diet, which is under five ingredients, right? And it needs to grow, right? It needs to come off a tree. It needs to walk. And basically, I definitely teach what he's taught me.

Well, it's what I love about him is you see a whole bunch of influencers out there who talk a great game. And then behind the scenes, they're doing everything but follow their guidance. And one thing I know from Mark, from many people who know him, is that he lives the life that he talks about. So to me, that's one of the reasons.

I have mad respect for him and what he's been doing now for decades, trying to change the way that people look at their health and how foundational functional medicine is as a way to approach how we're treating humans really as they should be, which is the CEO of their own health journey. A joke between Mark and I is, Mark, you're teaching broccoli.

I'm teaching the end of lying. Stop lying, human. And like, you can broccoli, man, you get the vegetables, you get that, right? So it's, we joke that he's reminding people that it's delicious in the world and his, and if he's an incredible cook, right? And he, all his recipes and all his books, he really,

makes, right? Like this is, this man isn't just, he's obsessed with what you're doing. He's obsessed with teaching health, being healthy, and even also how to basically take care of the earth. Right. So his movement is one of the most important movements on the planet. So it's awesome. You love him.

Well, that's why I give him a stage because I think similar to the work that Seth Godin is doing, they're really trying to now systematically change behaviors, change the systems that we're living our life around, because it's going to take that systems change to invoke, whether it's climate change or health change like Mark is doing or

the way that kids are growing up and the social interaction that they're having, it's going to take systematic change to alter that. Never stop talking about it. Never, what did you eat today? No, really, what did you eat today? Right, right. Like every single day of your life, you can be having a better life based on like, that's pretty great. Oh, it absolutely is. Well, Lauren, you've been on some huge stages. You were

a featured panelist and women who are changing the game in the future of work, which was a Ticketmaster Sports Summit. You've been in TEDx Women's Conferences in Amsterdam. One of the ones that really piqued my interest was you were a moderator for a roundtable for the White House's Office Center for Social Innovation.

And when I think of social innovation, I think of systems change in a way. What did the methodology that you teach, what was that intersection point with social innovation? So I was at Stanford Business School and I was coaching the woman who was the executive director for the Center for Social Innovation. And I coached her just because sometimes I'll do a pro bono for someone who I'm obsessed with what they're committed to.

And this one woman, I was obsessed with what she was committed to. And then I helped her navigate all the way to the White House, basically. And so that's why she let me moderate it because I made her be so willing to chase her dreams and take big actions to support what was possible for social innovation. And what it really is about is that it's not all about money.

It's about the world. It's about people. It's not about money. There should be innovation and it should make a difference in the world and people should be, capitalism survives very well in that model. But it's really way more about social justice and what's good for the world than it is about just capitalism. Thank you for sharing that. And the last question I wanted to ask you about is in the end of the book,

You say that given all that you've learned by reading the book, all the dots you've connected, the traits that you've leashed, the theories you've debunked, the hauntings you've unraveled, etc., you can now author what your life was always truly about. You can now be accountable for how your autobiography is going down. And I wanted to leave the audience through your words with

Given what we've discussed today, what is the biggest takeaway you want to leave them with about their ability to write their own autobiography in a way that matches their ideal life? It's just never too late. It's never too late. I don't care how old you are. I don't care what the relationship looks like. I don't care what you think you should have gotten done by the time you're 54. Anything is possible right now if you sit down and believe in yourself and write that dream.

Don't listen to that voice and get on with it. Like right now, right? That's what we're here for. And basically, again, it's never too late ever. No, I love that as an ending point, because when I have talked to audiences about becoming passion struck, it seems like those who are 50 and up, they look at it. They say, I love the idea. I love the concepts, but my life is beyond that point to make a difference. And, um,

I really just truly feel it doesn't matter if you're 20, 40, 60 or 80, you can make changes to how you want to live your life so that when you look back upon it, you're not living in regret of the what-haves and the what-ifs and the should-haves. One of the most beautiful things I ever got to do was a woman knew she was going to die and she hired me to help her get married.

resolved with everything in her whole life with her son write a letter to her son write it like do like really finish her life beautifully and that's when I understood it's never too late for anything ever and that was one of the and she died and it was like and people didn't get their letters till after she died like she had planned her whole death

in the most beautiful way. And that's when I had ultimately come up with that there's a 13 area, there's the 13th area of life, which is death and even being able to design how that is. So I don't hear that as, I hear that as inspiring and also to remind everybody to live today. Well, I love ending on that. And Lauren, it was such an honor to have you here. What is the best way for the audience to get in touch with you?

Basically, I teach finding inner you dot inner you life, inner you love, inner you career are the courses I sell and teach. And then once you buy that class, I teach free master classes for the rest of your life. So if you buy just one of my courses, you're with me every week if you want it. So that's my favorite thing to sell to audiences.

So, yes. And then I'm Lauren Handel Zander. Please follow me. And that would be great. Well, thank you so much again for the honor of coming on the show. It's been a pleasure. And you're remarkable, really. It's really nice to meet you. And what you're teaching is perfect.

Thank you so much for that honor was mine. I thoroughly enjoyed that interview with Lauren Zander. And I wanted to thank Lauren and Sarah Hall for the honor and privilege of joining us especially to celebrate this special occasion of 500 episodes. Links to all things Lauren will be in the show notes at passionstruck.com. Please use our website links in the show notes to purchase any of the books from the guests that we feature here on the show. Videos are on YouTube at both

our main channel at John R. Miles, where we post long-form content of these interviews, and Passion Struck Clips, where we post two to eight-minute segments from these longer interviews. Go subscribe and join over a quarter million other subscribers. Advertiser deals and discount codes are in one convenient place at passionstruck.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. I'm at John R. Miles on all the social platforms where I post daily.

And you can also connect with me on LinkedIn. If you're looking to expand your courage muscles, then consider signing up for our courage movement, which you can do by joining our weekly newsletter. And in it, every week, we curate a special challenge based on the previous week's episodes. You don't want to miss it. And if you're interested...

and knowing where you sit on the PassionStruck continuum, then sign up for the PassionStruck quiz, which will show you exactly your starting point on your journey to becoming PassionStruck. It only takes 10 minutes of your time, and you can also find it at PassionStruck.com. Before we wrap up, I am so excited to share a sneak peek of our next episode of PassionStruck, where we'll explore the dangers of cynicism

and how it erodes trust in ourselves and others. Stanford psychologist Jamel Zaki joins us to discuss his new book, Hope for Cynics, and shares how hopeful skepticism can help us reconnect, rebuild trust, and rediscover the good in humanity. Don't miss this insightful conversation on how we can overcome cynicism and create a more connected world. I am in no way saying that what we should do is adopt an unthinking, credulous form of trust of everybody.

But what's happened instead is that we've entered this phase of politics in America, and as you elegantly put it, all around the world, where our default is to just disbelieve and mistrust every piece of information and every source of information if it doesn't exactly match what we believe already. And that is extraordinarily toxic for our ability to recognize common ground and accomplish any goals together.

It's extraordinarily useful for people who really are untrustworthy. The fee for the show is that you share it with family or friends when you find something useful or interesting. If you know someone who can benefit from the words of encouragement that Lauren Zander gave on today's program, then definitely share this episode with them. The greatest compliment that you can give us is to share the show with those that you love and care about. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. Until next time, go out there and become passion struck.

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