cover of episode Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?

Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?

2024/11/8
logo of podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Key Insights

Why is it important to establish ground rules before considering friendship with an ex?

Ground rules help clarify whether the ex is safe and trustworthy, ensuring that past toxicity or harm does not continue into a new relationship dynamic.

What are the four core reasons people choose to stay friends with their exes?

Security, practicality, civility, and unresolved romantic desires are the primary reasons, each potentially leading to complications if not managed carefully.

Why might staying friends with an ex be more about seeking safety than genuine friendship?

People often stay connected for a sense of security, falsely believing it provides safety and familiarity, rather than addressing genuine emotional needs.

How can shared friends and family complicate post-breakup dynamics?

Mutual friends and family members may take sides, creating tension and making it difficult to maintain a neutral stance, especially if they are more affected by the breakup than the individuals involved.

What role do emotional maturity and romantic clarity play in maintaining a friendship with an ex?

Emotional maturity allows both parties to handle new relationships and personal growth without envy, while romantic clarity ensures clear boundaries to prevent lingering desires from complicating the friendship.

Why is it crucial to take time before attempting to be friends with an ex?

Time is essential for healing, self-awareness, and adjusting to the loss of a relationship, ensuring that both parties are genuinely ready for a platonic bond without unresolved emotions.

How can pets complicate the process of staying friends with an ex?

Pets can create emotional and practical complications, especially if custody is an issue, adding layers of attachment and responsibility that can hinder the transition to a purely platonic relationship.

What advice does Jay Shetty give about establishing new rules of engagement with an ex?

Jay suggests creating clear communication boundaries and testing them to ensure mutual respect, preventing misunderstandings that could lead to a rekindling of romantic feelings.

Why might it be necessary to be cautious about reestablishing a friendship with an ex who has children with you?

Children create a lifelong connection, and the decision to be friends must consider their welfare, often requiring more time and detachment to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship.

What final piece of advice does Jay Shetty offer about being friends with an ex?

Jay emphasizes that you don't have to force a friendship if it doesn't feel right, as it's crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and avoid causing further hurt to your ex.

Chapters

Jay Shetty introduces the complex question of whether one can be friends with an ex, highlighting the different factors that make this question unique for various individuals.
  • The question varies for people with shared friends or children.
  • Jay acknowledges the complexity and subtlety of the issue.

Shownotes Transcript

Are you open to just being friends with an ex?

Do you think they want the same kind of friendship?

Today, Jay’s diving into a question we've all probably wrestled with at some point: can you really stay friends with an ex? He kicks things off by laying down some ground rules, pointing out that not every ex is friendship material, especially if there was any toxicity or harm in the relationship. For those open to trying a platonic bond post-breakup, he highlights the real-life complexities and the level of emotional maturity it takes to make it work.

Jay also brings in some interesting science, sharing that studies show people stay connected with their exes for reasons like security, convenience, keeping things civil, or even unresolved feelings. But each of these reasons can get messy, and Jay explains that often, the urge to stay friends might have more to do with wanting a sense of safety or familiarity than with genuine friendship.

In this episode, you'll learn:

How to Decide if an Ex Deserves Friendship

How to Set Boundaries with an Ex

How to Manage Shared Friends Post-Breakup

How to Avoid Using Friendship to Win Them Back

How to Avoid Hurting Your Ex Twice

Sometimes, the boldest and most courageous thing you can do is to walk away, taking the lessons with you and leaving the rest behind. Focus on what makes you feel good and helps you build the life you truly want. 

With Love and Gratitude,

Jay Shetty

What We Discuss:

00:00 Intro

00:52 Not Every Ex Deserves Friendship

04:36 Four Core Reasons People Stay Friends with Their Exes

09:30 Four Ways to Know Being Friends with an Ex Won’t Work

13:52 How to Start Being Friends with an Ex?

18:33 Friends and Family Can be Casualties of a Breakup

21:41 Establish New Rules of Engagement

22:50 Consider the Welfare of Children

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