Ep 523 - Shirtless Workers (feat. Ralph Barbosa)
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Hell yeah, dude. Rolling. Hold on. I've got to show off the hat. Yeah, flip that thing around. This took like a good hour. Hour of work here. Damn, you went soft at the Bass Pro? Yeah. Oh, you got the ass pro. Damn.

You scratched off the beat. You did it a clean job, too. Oh, yeah. Well, I didn't do it. My sister did, but it took like an hour. Your sister hooked you up? Yeah. Was it her idea, or did you be like, hey? No, it was my idea. Obviously, yeah. I bought like five of these, too, in case I fucked up so I can keep trying. But I just asked my sister to do it, and she got it on her first try. Really? Yeah. Clean, man. All right.

Man, I keep bumping this table. Oh, you're good, bro. Damn, that's fucking sick. Yeah, man. I had a vision and she executed it. I know people have done these before, but I just, I finally have mine, you know? Yeah, exactly. This is like my greatest possession now. That's your logo. The Ass Pro Shop. That's so nice. That's what I'm going to call my strip club when I own one.

You want to own a strip club? Yeah, I think that'd be cool. I just wouldn't run it. Yeah, just own it. Just enjoy it. Every time I've seen a guy who runs a strip club, it's like he has muscles. Yeah. And he's usually like... Eastern European. Yeah. Yeah. I used to deliver beer to a strip club when I was younger, and it was like, it's pretty rugged, man. They got the money counters going. It looks cool. They got the money counters, but they do look pretty beaten down. And that's because, dude, imagine that's your workforce. Yeah. You got to keep, you know...

You got to manage some pretty wild women. I don't know. I think maybe I could do it, though. I'd probably just have to start doing a lot of cocaine. Yeah. Are you worried that you might kind of like simp out to all the strippers working for you? Nah. I would simp. You think? Yeah. Yeah, dude. If I had like 12 strippers I had to maintain, I would simp. If I had 12, I'd simp to maybe two. Yeah. That's not... But then the other ones would get jealous. The rest I would treat so badly. Yeah. You'd work them. I'd be such a pimp. Yeah.

It's always been a dream of mine to just be like a horrible person, like a horrible pimp, you know? Yeah, true. I watch like movies where they... What was that show? Did you ever watch that show with... By the way, Ralph Labrosa, thanks for doing the podcast. I'm terrible at introducing people. Nah, no problem. Yeah, man. Let's talk about pimping though. Yeah, yeah. What's that show with James Franco and...

Who was it? The Deuce. Yeah. Yeah, that was good. Yeah, and the show The Pimps, I was like talking. Bro, that show made pimping look so cool. Every show makes it look so cool. But why is it such a frown upon? I guess because they treat women so badly. Yeah, like real bad. Did you ever read Iceberg Slim? I almost called him Ice-T. Did you ever read Iceberg Slim's autobiography? I bought the book, and then I read within the first chapter. I think the first chapter made me cry. Yeah, dude, it's so sad. It's so sad. Yeah.

I couldn't read on anymore. You got to get cold, man. Strengthen up that pimping, though. I feel like that's like, you know, depending on where your state of mind is, that Iceberg Slim book could be like somebody's 48 laws of power. Exactly, yeah. It can really get you. Although, dude, I don't know if anyone is built for that. If you got to find like a girl down on her luck, and then you got to convince her to go fuck guys for you for money. People don't get mad if you pimp men.

No. Like if you think about a good leadership, that's just being a good pimp. True. This is working your men, you know, and making them productive, getting in their head to make them the most productive. Yeah. Nobody talks about the pimps of male prostitutes. Are there pimps? Are they male prostitutes, just cowboys? Or like, are they arranged by like a strong domineering man who like slaps them? This is somebody who goes and slaps the old lady who doesn't want to pay. Well, male prostitutes pretty much only have sex with men.

What? Male prostitutes have sex with men? Yeah, dude. That's like 95% of what they do. I didn't know that. Because I thought about becoming a male prostitute when I was in college.

I actually put out an ad on Craigslist being like, yo, I'm open for business. My friend told me, he's like, dude, male prostitutes. Okay, well, you're going off like Craigslist data. Dude, I'm telling you, I think the real data is it's like prostitutes, men and women prostitutes, like 99, well, women prostitutes, 99.9, if not 100% of the time, serve as men. And male prostitutes also overwhelmingly serve as men. Gay men, obviously.

I guess that makes sense. I mean, women get to choose most of the time who they want to bang, you know? Exactly. So they're not calling. I mean, I think maybe like there's that whole idea. There's like gigolos that have sex. And it's, I think it's like so rare.

I thought I'd be out there just like banging fucking horny rich milfs. And it was just, I got no, I got literally got no, uh, you got no response. Not even for men. Not even for men. That's gotta hurt. It did hurt. It did. Not even the men. But dude, there, uh, we took my, in college, I took my roommate's number and I used like a prank I would do on people. I would put them on like Craigslist personals and just kind of like give them their number and they get like weird phone calls.

And I put my roommate's number up with this like story about how he was like a young gay college man. It was like looking for an older, more experienced man. Cause like these younger men didn't know. His, I like hit publish. His phone rang off the hook for like, for real, like 12 hours. Damn bro. Good for him. What does he do now? He's an accountant. He's an accountant. He went for that. He was pissed. He found out what I did to him. And he was like, don't ever do that ever. Even as a straight dude, I think knowing I could have had that much business, uh,

Bro, it didn't. And I built a nice narrative, though. I was like, I'm a young man looking for an older gay man who knows what he wants. And it was just nonstop. Bro, that dude could have killed it. And you could have just pimped him. That's what I'm saying. Make some money. I should have had more of a business mind about it, man. Because I could have put him out there and made a lot of money on him. I think that, like, and this is, what do you call it? This is very dude-ish. Maybe it's like misogynistic, but...

Whoever started strip clubs, like, man, like I got like hats off to that guy. Yeah. Because this guy saw women or who knows? I don't know history that well. Could have been a male strip club the first one, right? But this guy saw. Greeks. Yeah. This guy saw somebody and was like, oh, man, like that's hot. Look how she moves. Right.

And then he noticed that other guys also like that. And so he's just like, people will pay money for this. Yeah. Like, let's put this in a building. Yeah, because it was brothels. And yeah, some guy was like, oh, hold on. No, no, no. Don't fuck these guys. Like, well, you kind of can if we figure out something. But it was like, yeah, just have them dance. Good idea. Make more money off the temptation. Yeah. And then, all right. So then you're a strip club owner, right? I wonder when the first strip club happened.

Or like what? I'd be curious too. 1800s? I'm guessing. I think so. Some sort of version of it? It was brothels. I feel like they're probably kind of modern. It went from brothels to strip clubs? I think. Although people always had dancing girls. So I don't know. Like when's the first one who kind of like industrialized the dancing girls?

Yo, 1947. All right. So 1947, right? And then let's say- Pretty recent. From 47 to like 48, 49, 50s, you got your successful strip clubs here and there, right? And you're a business mongrel. You're just this titan in the strip club industry, and you're looking for the next best thing, the next best stripper. And out of nowhere, you see a woman twerk.

Whoa. That's got to be like seeing the first alley-oop. True. That is big. Like, holy fuck, I didn't think about that. This guy sees a woman twerk. Do you think, like, you think strip clubs were, like, in America, they were, like, mostly, like, almost like the sports were, like, very white, and then, like, black ladies and other ladies, like, hit the strip clubs, and everyone was like, what the fuck? Yeah. I think that was, I think...

Probably when black ladies hit strip clubs. That was when like black dudes hit the NBA and the NFL. Yeah, it was the same time. And everyone was just like, what the fuck? All the white women were like, fuck, she's taking all our fucking tips. Like, I can't even do that thing that she's doing. And they're just humping the ground trying to twerk. Yeah, man, that must have been kind of crazy. I can't imagine what it would have been like a strip club in 1940 would have been, 1947, 1950 would have been crazy. I think it was crazy to think of like, how did twerking even start?

And I know somebody's going to hear this and be like, this is such a dude conversation. But like I said, maybe a man first twerked. True.

True. Maybe it was a man they were trying to tame at first and, and, you know, draft to their strip club. But like, how do you even think of that? How do you first? Yeah, it's actually, I would imagine black ladies started it. And it's like, cause I feel like they did it back in like the juvenile videos and like, in like the, like the early 2000s. I mean, they were definitely the ones with the goods, you know? Yeah. White ladies just figured out kind of how to do it. Yeah. I've watched like, like old movies, like, uh,

You've seen Roadhouse? Yeah, I have. And you remember that girl who like, she's like the girlfriend of, what's his name? The bad guy? I don't remember his name. Yeah, I remember Patrick Swayze is a good guy. It was one of those movies I saw too where I kind of was like in and out of it, but I definitely watched it. The young blonde chick, she's like the hot chick of the whole movie.

And she's like dancing all sexy. She doesn't twerk once. Not at all. That was the sexiest of dancing at those times. I imagine. It was. Yeah, it was. It was like a skinny white lady with a flat butt kind of just like sliding up and down. There's no like there's no acrobatics to it. Yeah. And then I don't know. I don't know if it was just like the 90s or somewhere like like would you say with Juvenile, right? Early 2000s, late 90s.

Black ladies just changed the game. They really did take over. And I'm just glad that like, well, I don't know. I haven't done too much research on it, but I'm just glad that nobody's ever tried to stop other races from twerking because

You know, this is very touchy these days. Cultural appropriation. Yeah. Stealing culture vulture and whatnot. But that one right there is like. That's a gift. Yeah, that's a gift to humanity. Yeah, you can't guard that. Yeah. I agree. And it's like, I feel like, I don't know. I feel like black ladies kind of like if anyone like tries to twerk, even like a white lady, they'll kind of like encourage her. Yeah. I've seen though. Like, I mean, they might laugh and, you know, kind of tease a little bit, but just a little hazing. Yeah. So they're very, they, yeah, they'll give up the goods. They'll teach you how to do it.

If you want to learn, they will teach you. I don't want to learn, but on to, you know, we're talking about like business entrepreneurs and stuff. I might be able to start like the first school of twerking. I'm sure there has to be one by now already. Yeah, but you can start it up. You can run it. I can have one. There's probably not many of them.

No, yeah, there's like pole dance classes. Have you started like a straight up twerking class? Yeah, it's got like a nice gentrified neighborhood. Yeah, you would get it. You'd have, you might have to like soften the blow by being like, we're a pole dancing place, but we have a twerking class within that. I'd be like, there's no men here. It's like contactless boxing. You ever see, there's boxing classes where they just train, but they never fight. Yeah. So it was like, there's no penises around, just come twerk. Get in shape. You know, just so we don't get canceled, we'll have to probably...

Take on a few men as clients, but... You would. They would hit. There's always like two guys and like a... I don't mind watching two, three guys shake their asses as long as it comes with like the business of all these other women shaking their asses. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It'd be good for you kind of having like two guys there. I'd imagine they'd be gay guys too. That'd be good. Maybe. Maybe.

Probably. Most definitely. I can see the ad for it now, like the commercial. It's just like a successful stripper with a bunch of money down her waistline. She's just twerking. She's like, thanks, Ralph Baravolso School of Twerking. Oh, you're going to a more technical school. Yeah. Oh, I like that. And the guy she's dancing on is also like, and thanks for me too, Ralph. Yeah, if you're going to go the vocational route, what do you think about, I don't know the legality of this, but doing kind of like a...

in school like taking it to the high schools that way they get like the best shot no no no becoming professional no i'm saying like the economic advantage you see bro that's the beginning of our of my downfall of my business i start thinking i'm just fucking weirdo who wants to get high school girls like hey how about you put on this cheerleading outfit while you do it talking about no i would look i didn't want to do that but i'm saying if you're saying going vocational

Like, they have, like, you know, you can learn to be, you know, like, a hairdresser. Like, take these vocations, these, like, true vocations. No, you must be at least 21. You could keep the safety gloves on. You could be, like, fully clothed, you know, like, just kind of doing, like, Pilates, just getting them ready, just building them up. I don't want to do this business no more. You've ruined my American dream. I didn't say you should. I was saying what if. I wouldn't. That would be crazy. Just want to own a rental property. Yeah.

Could you imagine the weird illegalities and gray areas you'd get into? Bro, yeah. Never mind. I'm glad you poked a hole in this dream. No, you can still do it. You just got to stay out of the schools. College? You can get an elective in college. That'd be cool. No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm just going to go to a strip club.

Enjoy that. There is something very nice about just giving a beautiful woman money. Just being like, here, I want you to have this. Yeah. You're beautiful and you're naked and I think you should have. I work hard for this and I really want you to have it. It's easy to give money to people when they're naked. Yeah. Even homeless people. You see a naked homeless guy approach you? You're just like, bro, take it. Yeah, get out of here. Fuck off. I saw a lady walking down the street. I don't think she was homeless. But there was like this Indian lady just had her tits out.

Just walking down the street, smiling, just kind of like, I think she was making like a statement. There's a big like women's liberation movement where they should be able to show their tits in public. That's a liberation movement? Yeah, because it's like, dude, think about how unfair that is, dude. We can take our shirts off in public. We can? Yeah, dude. I don't think we can. Yes, you can. Anywhere. To a certain degree. I'm pretty sure if I walk into CVS, they're going to be like, whoa, what the fuck are you doing, bro? They will, but you can walk down the street.

You can work a construction job. You can be a roofer and have your shirt off all day. A woman can never take her shirt off outside. You can't take your shirt off during a construction job. Yes, you can. No, you cannot. Dude, you know how many guys work shirtless in construction? When's the last time you worked construction? I grew up working construction. I did it my whole life. This isn't like a YMCA video. No, I'm telling you. Dudes, do it. There's roofers that are just... I think now there's a lot of safety in construction now, but back in the day, there were dudes...

In like the early 90s and 80s, you didn't wear a shirt every day. Look, bro, maybe you grew up in this shirtless America of men. I'm telling you right now, it's dying out. It is dying out. Women might as well not even fight for it either. Why? And then we're not even going to, like, you ever go a long time without seeing boobs and then you see boobs?

You're going to lose that excitement because there's going to be everywhere. That's true. I'll tell you what's going to happen. That's true. Women's liberation. They're going to liberate a whole bunch of male, what do you call it? You can't get hard? Yeah, ED. ED. Erectile dysfunction. That's all that. To me, women's liberation just equals erectile dysfunction. I think you're so right. And as Republican as that sounds, I just want people to know I haven't voted, so don't start thinking but.

No, come on. I know what you're saying. This goes beyond politics. If you're seeing titties all day, every day, it does fucking... And also the bra protects them. Yeah. It fights gravity for a while. Imagine all the mosquitoes and bug bites you can have on your boobs. It's going to be rough. It was destabilizing. To see a lady with just her tits out in public, I was like, what the fuck? It was crazy. If you imagine that times 40, it's like my days. You're living in a different world now. But I'm not...

At the same time, I'm not like totally, totally against it. There should be like an assignment from birth. Like there,

There's a certain percentage of all men and a certain percentage of all women should be assigned to be shirtless in life. I like this. And if they want to, if they want shirts, they got to like petition for it, file paperwork and stuff, you know, and people who are, who do our shirts in the world and they want to become skins. They also got to do the paperwork. True. You can go back and forth.

Yeah. Damn, that'd be sick if you had a Skins family. There should be just random rules like that on this. I would like that. Just random, like, and then, you know, there'd be, like, movements for it. They'd be like, I don't want to be a Skin ever again. Or there's people that'd be like, we should all be Skins, like, Skins, Skin America, like...

Yeah, true. That would be, shirts and skins would be a great move. I used to always love when I played basketball and I'd get called, like my half of the team, like you guys are skins. I'd be like, yes. Hell yeah. I love that shit. Yeah. Wearing a penny, I'd be like, come on, man. That shit sucked. You played basketball growing up? Yeah, we used to play a lot at a school, elementary school near my house. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we, there's like a lot of,

older dudes like like when we're in when we're maybe like 10 12 there's a lot of teenagers that would come from the apartments down the street though and just kind of like take over yeah yeah but i got pretty good so i got to like stay but my friends they sucked they had to go yeah i mean we were all mexican me and my friends and so i mean there wasn't much skill there anyway yeah but i was probably the most skilled of mexicans i don't know that makes me the least mexican of them because i was the only one good at basketball

Yeah, you don't see a lot. You don't see a lot of Mexican basketball players. You don't, yeah. But I got to stay. I was never that good at soccer, though.

Really? Yeah. And that, yeah. Well, yeah, you're playing basketball. Totally different thing. But I had a very, what do you call it? Like headfirst mentality. So like if I did go play soccer, I wasn't afraid to kind of just dive for shit. Just run in there. You had a headfirst. Yeah, it's literally headfirst mentality. Literally headfirst. Yeah. Damn. So you were just like just jumping in. You didn't give a fuck. Yeah. Should have played football. Bro, anytime the soccer ball came to me, I just kicked the shit out of it. That's a good move. Yeah. Yeah. Did you play defense or offense or like just ripped? I don't know.

No, man. Yeah, you guys were playing. That's a good move just to kick the ball as hard as you can. Yeah. I tried to sign up for football once, but, man, my coach, I mean, he was right, but I was in the seventh grade, and at the end of the school year, they let you sign up for eighth grade football, and my PE coach was like,

Hell no. He didn't let you do it? Yeah. Because I was like kind of a troublesome kid in his class. Yeah, yeah. I would never dress out for PE. Like when they made us wear like shorts and shirts and stuff. I would like sometimes change or I'd wear like... You wouldn't get changed? Yeah. I just like... Because we'd be dumb. We'd wear like the shorts but then not the shirts. We'd still wear like our school polo. Yeah, yeah. Or sometimes we'd just take off like the polo and just wear a white tee. Like, all right, we changed but we just want to hurry up and start playing whatever. We...

Somebody one time just gave me a lot of dice. I don't remember how I got it. It was like a box of dice all wrapped in little plastic baggies like they sell them or something. And so I started bringing them to school and one of the kids taught us how to shoot dice. And yeah, the coach caught us with those a couple times.

He was just like, man, like, the fuck is y'all's problem? What the fuck are you guys doing? I mean, not taking off the shirt would drive me crazy. If I was doing a gym class and you put on the shorts, I'm like, bro, why won't you put your fucking shirt on? What is this? I think we just like being trolls. It is fun. I was very bad in school, especially health classes. I used to, the teacher I had, I had older brothers and my older brother's like, dude, that guy's a fucking bitch. Fuck that guy. So I went in like, I'm going to fuck this guy's shit up. And I did. I would fuck with him. I went to an all boys Catholic high school.

So we would like be in the, this is how, this is fucked up. We'd be in the locker room. I'm noticing that there's like a heavy man pattern in your life. Oh yeah. Heavy men, smell prostitution, shirtless male. It's just, dude, it's so, I'm so masc. It's crazy. I'm so masculine. Yeah.

Catholic male school. All boys. You know how fucked up it is to like separate a young boy from women for like four years, basically? That's horrible. It's weird, dude. What did you do to deserve that, you know? I don't know. And then did you have sisters? Yeah, I did. I had two little sisters. And then how many brothers? I have two older brothers and one little brother. Okay. Male-dominated siblings. Yeah, my dad's one of ten, mostly men as well. Did you, in health class, did they ever give you guys the baby to take care of?

No, bro. No, I went to an all-boys school. That's very realistic, dude. They're like, that's a fucking woman's job. Like, why would we give you guys that? No, we never had that, dude. But we had our gym teacher, who was also the health teacher, would come when we were getting changed. And he'd be like, you guys got to get naked and hit the shower. And I'd always be like, I'm not getting naked and getting in the fucking shower. I'll just be sweaty. Yeah, it was pretty intense. It was really intense. It was really intense. But what he would do when the prayer would come on,

Everyone would have to stop what they were doing, so when the prayer came on, I would just pull my pants down a little bit and just show my ass. I'd keep my ass out for the prayer every time. I'd be like, dude, you told me to stop. I was getting naked to hit the shower. He would get so mad. Wait, how often would you guys pray?

It would come on, I think, at the beginning of every period. Some different prayer would come on. You have to stop for it. It's got to be weird if it comes on while everybody's in the showers. Yeah, that would be nuts. Yeah, I don't know much about Catholic school, though. They stopped hitting kids when I was in first grade.

That's where they fucked up. Yeah, they should have kept it up. Did they hit you in kindergarten? I got smacked by a principal once. And then I actually had a priest in high school who hit my head into a chalkboard. What? And I had said something about his knee. He was kind of like fucking around. Actually, it turned out he actually had some pretty heavy charges against him later on for...

Kid stuff. Just beating up kids? No, for loving them too much. Yeah, loving them. Damn. He had a hate-love relationship with kids. But he had a niece, and I remember his niece was like our age, and I kept saying I was like bringing his niece to the prom. I didn't know the lady, but I was like, I'm going to bring your niece to the prom and give her ecstasy. I didn't even know what ecstasy was.

But I like said it to the priest. This sounds like a good time. He grabbed my head. It was awesome. Dude, all-boys school was fun as shit. Imagine the girls. I mean, like taking the niece to the prom. I know. On the X. I know. I want to teach your niece how to twerk. Yeah, true. What is that? He literally grabbed my head and went bonk into the chalkboard. And I was like, all right, all right, my bad.

Damn. I deserve that. Yeah, that'll teach you some respect, bro. It did. I grew up getting hit, so it was like, you know. Where is this at? This was outside of Philadelphia. Oh, shit. This was in actually, I went to school in Wilmington, Delaware. Okay, okay. But you guys were holding down the front, no shirts.

You guys? Who's you guys? Me? Your school. I'm saying your school. The thing you did with your teacher was not put on the shirt. I mean, we had shirts. We just didn't have, like, the shirt. You wouldn't put on the shirt. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just saying. I'm just trying to bring the conversation back to you. I don't like you picturing me shirtless as a kid, man. I'm not picturing you shirtless as a kid. You got issues, bro.

No, I'm saying you guys wouldn't wear the gym shirt. Sometimes. I'm picturing you in a polo buttoned up to the top, your hair combed over. You're like an angel. Yeah, I'm just like in a little polo and then some shorts. Were you bad at it? What else did you do? What was the worst thing you did as a kid? One time I broke into a house. Did you really? Yeah. What'd you do? So it was like me and a couple kids that I went to middle school with, we skipped school one day. And...

We broke into a dude's house that my friend said he knew. Supposedly it was his buddy. I was like, bro, I don't want to hang out with you anymore after today. He broke into his friend. Did you take anything? Nah. Supposedly that guy had weed in there. And I guess in my mind, I was like, oh, we'll take the weed and then we'll be rich. I don't know how much weed went for. I was like 12 or 13. I was just like, a lot. We're going to be like that movie Blow. I just kept imagining that.

And we looked around in there, but I started feeling really weird being in there. Yeah. And then they called me to the kitchen. They're like, yo, yo, come over here. And I went over there and...

Like, we weren't... I didn't grow up, like, poor or nothing, but for some reason, I had never seen Nutella before, and none of my friends had either. Yeah. And so they were like, look at this. Like, try it. And so we discovered Nutella, and we were just like, oh, shit. Like, this is good. That's huge. Yeah. And so we just sat there eating, like, Nutella with, like, their bread or, like, their Nutella snack packs, like...

And we heard somebody getting home. How'd you get in, first of all? I actually found a way in through the back. Oh, nice. Yeah, my friend was like, most of the time, front doors just open in some of these houses. This guy had an MO, you know? And I was like, well, I'll try the back. Because I used to get locked out of my house a lot. So I figured out little ways. And I was like, this window reminds me of my window, you know? Yep.

But, yeah, I just. They pulled up on you? Yeah. I heard people getting there. And I always, this is like dumb. Because I always thought like this was like an act of bravery. Like I deserve some sort of medal. But then at the end of the day, it's like I was just the bravest criminal that day. But when we're in the kitchen eating the Nutella and I heard somebody approaching the door, I ran to the front door to like lock it.

and I locked them out of their house yeah because they had a deadbolt yeah yeah and my friends ran to the back door like it just was a like we just froze looked at each other and then everybody ran there was like three or four friends that ran out the back so I ran and I locked the door and then I ran out the back and I closed the back door so hard that it didn't even like close yeah it just bounced yeah it was like yeah because it was like a sliding door so it just like slid and then boom like slid back open

And I just ran for my life and I was just so scared. Yeah, dude. That's the day I realized like, bro, I'm a little bitch. Like, I'm not cut out for things in life. The gay Roman just saw their bread just crushed and the Nutella out. They're probably like, what the fuck? Man, so we went to my buddy's house who lived not too far from there and we'd take little peaks where we'd walk down to that street just to see if like there was cops. Yeah, yeah. But they never called the cops. I think whoever was there was just like, fucking raccoons. For real, that would be like an animal got into my house. Fucking raccoons.

I had kids burglarize me one time where I was like living in this house in West Philly and it was a bad neighborhood and I didn't have like a back door on the house. There was just this like, I don't know how to describe it. You know in stores when they have like a...

It's like a gate, but it's just like metal slats against each other, like crisscrossed. It's supposed to be like outside of a door. It was just that. So I had that thing, and I had a chain around it kind of keeping it tight. But there was like, if you were little enough, you can get in. I had kids, they stole my change. Broke into my house, stole all. I had so much fucking change, and they stole my change. And I was like, all right, fair enough. Out of all the things, that's what they got? Exactly. I had like a gun in my house, too. So I'm glad they didn't get that. Those little kids remind me of like Robert De Niro in Heat.

Or they knew what they were going after? They did. They wanted the change to get the candy. They knew our response time, 2-11. They had our response time clock.

Yeah, I remember being like no adult could have fit through that little and I was like motherfuckers those kids. Well, you gotta get a BB gun and shoot the kids. Yeah, I've thought about paintball gun. Paintball gun would be nice. Yeah. I knew there was a guy I knew who had like he was like an HVAC guy and he had this like big yard in this area outside Philadelphia called Chester and it's like a really fucked up area and he so if you have a yard in Chester it's like you'd have like scrap metal and shit so people would break in take your scrap metal so

So he started a Friday tradition where he would sit on the roof and just drink beer with a paintball gun. As soon as the sun would set, people would start coming over the fence and he would just fucking light them up. It was pretty fun. Hell yeah. And within his right. It was within his right. But people would think they were really getting shot and be like, oh! Because they hurt, man. They fucking hurt. No, they do. The first time I ever went paintballing, I got shot right in my...

Left nut. Oh, really? Yeah. There's like one kid from every group who gets shot in the nuts. I'm sorry to hear that. It might have been my right one. I just remember it was like I took my pants off.

And you just see like a dead circle right on the nut. That was the first time. And the dude cheated because at that place, they were like, I was the only kid there. It was like a bunch of adults and like my uncles and stuff. And they told us that if you're within like 10 feet or so, just yell surrender. And whoever yells it first, it's like they got the shot. Yep.

And I remember, like, my mask is all foggy. I'm, like, sweating. You can't see shit. Yeah. And I'm, like, trying to shoot this guy. I see him running from right to left. And he keeps going. I'm, like, fuck, man. And then I see another guy. I'm trying to shoot this guy. And then I'm, like, wait, what happened to the first guy? And I'm, like, oh, he's behind me. I bet. And I turn around. And then he's right there and just close as hell just shoots me. Oh, man.

Oh, man. I went down. I just felt like throwing up. He probably felt bad. Hell no. He just kept going. Really? Yeah. Damn, war is hell, man. Not to pull a race card, but you know how you white guys are. You get fucking guns and tactical and shit. This guy had full camo, bro. I did paintball, and I totally disobeyed the mercy rule. I would hop a log, and there'd be a guy right there, and I'd be like, bah, bah.

After that, bro, I turned into a little monster. I was like, fuck the mercy rule. Like, I started doing... That's how I played originally. Fuck the mercy rule. I started... It's so exciting to shoot somebody with that gun. So if I get within range, I'm not going to be like, oh, okay, I'm fucking unloading. Nah, bro, I started playing so dirty. Did you really? When there'd be refs in there...

You shoot the ref? Nah, I would hide behind him sometimes. I'd just run up near him and just like... That's your human shield.

Yeah, when you get hit, dude, it fucking hurts, man. It hurts enough to be like, all right, there is some consequence to this game. Hell yeah. Because I've got popped over the mask but in the fucking head, and that hurts. Dude, you got to have pain in life, though. You do. Every now and then. You ever go just months without any type of pain, not even stubbing your toe? Yes. You start to get depressed. Dude, this literally just happened to me. I had it so easy for like three and a half months, and then I literally got depressed.

Yeah. I just got out of it like two days ago. And then somebody punches you in the face one day and you're like, I'm alive. Yeah, dude. I'm feeling stuff. You got to go paintballing or you got to do something. There used to be a place... I did a water slide. I took an edible and hit some water slides and that like... I scraped my... You ever went on a water slide and you try to slow it down like a bitch and then your elbow scrapes? Nah, I'm a pretty little dude. I've never even had trouble slowing down. It's just...

I never went that fast in the first place. Really? Yeah. I was hitting them and just kind of like, because I haven't rode a water slide since I was a kid. So I was like, dude, I'm going to champ these. And I was like, for real, scared. You ever see that video? This is always going to be one of my proudest moments. I didn't do anything. I was just there. But, um.

During Bert Kreischer's Fully Loaded Tour last year in 2023, we had a water slide. And somebody got a bag of ice water and dumped it on Mark Norman. And then he started, like, yelling and spinning. And then somebody else, I forgot who threw it. It might have been Bert, threw a little Nerf football we had.

And it hit him right in the nuts right after. That was hilarious. I bet you, yeah. I bet you he was so... You're proud of that, too. That's your proud of that. I was just watching that. That is a sick moment, yeah. Like, that's a guy who's not going to be depressed for a while, you know? True. Ice water and hitting the nuts will definitely wake you up. That was hilarious. Dude, I fell. When's the last time you fell? Bro, um...

Not that long ago, but it was a very uncomfortable fall. Yeah, dude. What happened? If I would have fell on my ass, I would have been like, oh, it hurt. But then I'd be like, that was funny. But I was walking upstairs and I did one of those face forward, hit my knee into the stair fall. I'm just like, that's such a grown man fall, like middle-aged man fall. God damn it.

Motherfucker. I just wanted to blame a kid. I fell recently going to the bathroom at night, and it was pitch black, and I forgot I had to travel, so I had my suitcase out, tripped over my suitcase. I'm naked, and I just fell down, like you were saying, on your belly, not on your back. I fell belly down and just laid on my suitcase. Did you have a shirt on? I was naked. I was sleep naked. Oh, shit. You sleep naked? Yeah, I sleep naked. I was full of shit.

The deeper we go on this podcast, bro, the deeper we go into your... You don't sleep naked? Nah, bro. Why? I don't know. Someone breaks in, you get to mad dog them naked and it's fucking... I guess that's a good defense mechanism. Yeah. What do you do? Do you like classic PJs? Nah, I don't do that either. Like, what do you mean? What's classic PJs to you? With the little hat? I can't believe people were using that at one point. Well, if you didn't wear the hat, you'd probably die. You'd catch a cold.

What? That was why they wore hats? I don't know if that was cool, but like... It's just crazy. I would imagine, because it was cold. They didn't have heat like that, so you'd have to wear a little snow cap. I'd just die instead of look like a little bitch. That's what I'm saying, man. They were wearing those little weird elf hats. Dude, I feel the same way about bike helmets. Bike, yeah. Fuck that. I see people, adults with bike helmets. I'm like, bro. I would wear one if it got to be painted like candy or something, or like some sweet paint job. True. Where it's like the mouth. It's like...

That would be sick. Change colors when you went by. But I probably would never ride a motorcycle. I don't like those motorcycles where they got like the saddles on the side and then like the big windshield, like the cop one. Yeah. That's like the minivan of motorcycles. It is, dude. You might as well just, yeah. Get a fucking car. Yeah. You don't want- You have saddlebags and a windshield? Yeah, bro. Damn, that's going to hit my dad hard. My dad rocks the saddlebags. Your dad rocks it? Damn, bro. He does. He had the regular ones and then, you know, you get old. Was your dad out in Philly?

Yeah, he grew up in Philly and then moved to Havertown. Or he was in Philly when he was little and grew up in Havertown. So he had a whole area. Philly's like a tough town, though. I wouldn't make fun of your dad. I'll take that back. No, no, no, no. He needs to hear that. I would tell him, too. He's driving around. He needs to take that bug windshield off and just eat those things. Bro, just... Saddlebags. But he would, like, drive his motorcycle. That was, like, the one thing he would be like...

We'd go to a restaurant, and he's like, I'm going to ride my motorcycle. I'll meet you there. So that was like his slice of freedom. Hell yeah. And he just got older. You'd go to pick stuff up at the store, and he'd throw it in the saddlebags and ride back. Did he, is he still with your mom? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. All right. So yeah, he probably needed that, bro. Yeah, he needed that break. Hell yeah. And the windshield, I could see the windshield after some time. Did you ever ride a motorcycle before? Yeah, I have a dirt bike.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, bro. No windshield. That's the rawest motorbike you can get, possibly. So you're at, like, the absolute top of the hierarchy in terms of, like, being sick on it. Well, not necessarily. It's a 125cc, so it's, like, training wheels of dirt bikes. Have you ridden on, like, the highway and stuff? Nah. Dude, it's scary. I took a three... I forget what it was. Like, a 325, if that's a thing. Like, yeah. I think it was a Yamaha Nighthawk. And I'd never really ridden motorcycles, and I still don't now. Yeah.

But my brother showed me how to do it, and I took that thing on the highway. You were scared? Yeah, I was scared as fuck, man. Dude, I was going over this bridge, and trucks would pass me. They were saying it's not a heavy enough bike, so when a truck goes by you on the highway, the breeze pushes your bike over. Oh, shit. You know those big buckles in the middle of the bridge? Those big metal grates. I'd hit them and be like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I wouldn't have been scared. You don't think you'd have been scared? Take it on the highway right now. All right.

I'll do it, bro. Do it, dude. Tell your brother to bring you right now. I will. I'll get the Yamaha Nighthawk, dude. As far as the people listening to this podcast go, just know that I will ride that bike. On the highway? Yeah. 125 on the highway, man. You need something heavy. Have you ever gone 125? I've ridden dirt bikes when I was little, yeah. We used to ride them around, just like buzz around the house. Oh, no, no. I thought you were talking about miles per hour.

Oh, hell no, dude. You've never gone 125 miles per hour? On a dirt bike? No. In a car? Yeah. In a car, yeah. What were you driving? I don't think I got up to 125 in a car. I take that back. I hit in like 107. What were you driving? Like a Honda Odyssey? Yeah, like some bullshit, yeah. You just running late to something? Just trying to, no, when you're little. Remember when you were a teenager, you're like, we're going to go 100 miles an hour on the highway. Yeah, hell yeah. Just trying to go as fast as possible. Yeah, we had an Acura TL for a while. They're fast as hell. Yeah, that was tight. You did 125 in a car?

one one car i did like one in two cars actually i did one 60 something

you're a car guy yeah i like cars you did 160 yeah where uh on the highway so you wouldn't be afraid on the bike i don't know dude you take away those walls though the bike yeah the walls are and you can imagine if you could see the ground yeah no i don't want to see the it fucks you up dude you're going like 80 and you see the ground it's just it's literally a blur no i feel like the the bike is just way more scary for real like one false move dead like you're dead

And then I grew up playing Grand Theft Auto, so you know how many times I was riding that bike and then I hit a car and I just fly? You know what I mean? Like, fuck that. But in a car, yeah. 160's fucking fast, man. Yeah, 160's pretty fast. That's when things start, like they're 200 yards away and it's like, they're right at you. Yeah, they look like they're barely even moving, the cars. Like, they're like...

They're still moving, but they look more closer to being still. Are you still about that speed life? Are you slowing down? Because that's like, bro, you're flirting with disaster. 160 is like... You want an untimely celebrity death? This was like last week, bro. What? Yeah. Are you gunning for like an untimely like James Dean? Nah, but I do want to hit 180. I've always wanted to hit 180. Just is that your... That's the goal? Yeah. And you're talking about on the street, not like a track.

Nah, yeah, on the street. I would like to hit a track and see what that's like because I feel like that's where you get to really see what your car is about. You know what I mean? When they got like those little circuits and all that and they get to see what their fastest lap time is. That's got to be sick. I want to see like if a car that I...

Not that I build from the ground up, but if a car that I somewhat build could like. What era, that would be actually cool as hell. What era do you like specialize in? I saw you had some like, it looks almost like, I guess they're classic cars. They're 20 years old, right? Some of them. I don't know what you saw, but. I saw your thing on Instagram where you had like, it almost reminded me of like.

Like a LeSabre or something. One of those, but you really like cleaned it up. We buy them and sell them a lot. Do you really? My dad and I. Yeah. That's fucking sick. So we, like, there's a few that I will never sell. Yeah. Um,

But there's a couple that I'm like, I just kind of wanted to drive it for a while and then I'll settle it and buy something else. What's your like, so what like era of car do you like? Do you like restore them? You're saying not necessarily restore them. I just like, and that's something I didn't know about myself until I started being able to actually buy the cars. I don't like like the collectible ones that hold their value as long as you never touch them. Yeah. But I do like some of those, but maybe like with more mileage, something I could like

change stuff in. Yeah. Also like sleeper cars. I actually won a Camaro. I won a 2019 Camaro in a game of horse. High stakes horse games. What? Yeah, that's the life of Ralph Barbosa, baby. Horse? You're like a basketball horse? Yeah.

What? You took someone's pink slip and horse? What was the winning shot? Just a jump. Bro, I have a cold jumper, like a mid-race jumper. Yeah, that's good. That's nice to have. Most people, like, maybe they can make one or two, but if you go from maybe, like, a repeat spot, bro, they'll miss. They'll miss before I miss for sure. Yeah, you're talking about just within the key kind of that, like, five to seven foot jumper. Yeah. It's a good move. Good, bro. Yeah.

And he took someone's Camaro. Yeah. And the risk was I lose an 88 super sport Monte Carlo I had, but I was trying to get rid of that car anyway. Cause it, and the car was in just like mint condition and maybe like 24,000 original miles on it. But like I said, like it was only going to keep his value if I just kept it so clean. Yeah. What's the point? Yeah. So then I had been looking for,

to buy like a 2016, 2017 Chevy SS. You ever see those? Yeah. And I wanted one of those because they look like, so they look like a Malibu, but they got the 6.2. Do they have the stripes and everything or no? I don't know if some of them come with stripes, but anyway. You wanted one? I wanted one because I felt like that was a cool daily driver car. It looks like something you'd totally underestimate. Yeah.

And it draw way less attention. But if you needed to smoke somebody, you could. True, yeah. So I got that Camaro and I was like, all right, well, I'll get the Camaro and I'll get the title transferred under my name. And then I'll go. And if I ever find the Chevy SS, like at a used dealership or something, I can go trade it in. But...

the dude who showed me Chevy SS, this is a mechanic dude I know named Jacob. He was selling his around that time. Like literally the week after I got the Camaro. I think he took it to race week where they go like city to city, like to different drag strips. And he kept finding air tags on it where people wanted to track it to go steal it. What? Yeah. And he just had his son. So he just was like, man, I don't want people trying to steal my shit, especially like I got my son with me. So he's like, I'm just going to sell it. And I was like, bro, I'll trade you the Camaro.

and some cash. And he's like, fucking done. And I guess he's going to sell that Camaro now. I don't know. Just trade it in for whatever. But...

Now I got that Chevy SS and he put, um, he did a lot of work to it, which I didn't think about that. I don't know if it's more than I can handle. The thing's pretty fucking fast. It's fast as shit. Like I go pick up my son from school and she's like, it's pretty, yeah. Yeah. That's sick. I was, my dad was real into collecting like old muscle cars.

yeah it was like a phase he gets like real into stuff and you know whatever but yeah my first car when i was growing up i would drive like a 72 chevelle i think why do you say it's like a phase why do you keep hating on your dad i'm not hating on him he just this is what he does he gets like my dad's late he has saddles and dude i'm just through phases he's the man dude for real i mean having to be in you know he's like 60 something just ripping on a motorcycle with his windshield it's totally pretty sick yeah i would say the same thing i'm like bro get a fucking bike bro

Roll a dog. Our family's very, we like to fuck around with each other. Hell yeah. Yeah, he's a fucking beast. But he used to collect old cars and same thing, like restore them, all that stuff. So my first car that I got to drive in high school was like a 72 Chevelle. Damn. It wasn't, whatchamacallit, you had to like, what's that called? It's not fuel injected, so I had to like goose the gas pedal in the morning. Oh yeah, it's carbureted. Yeah, yeah, you had to sit there and just kind of like hit the thing down. But that thing fucking, I don't know why he let me drive that. Like if you literally hit the gas all the way down, it would go...

And like peel out. Oh shit. It was sick. It was like one of those things. Yeah, I fucking crashed like pretty quickly. You crashed it? Low stakes. Like I was pulling up to my cousin's driveway to pick him up and my screen was just like, the screen fucking, the windshield was foggy and I just crashed into his, I like ran into his dad's car on accident. I've only been in like one or two

I don't even know if you can call them wrecks, like fender benders. When I was 12, my grandma had a Jeep Liberty and I took off in it. Yeah, I wanted to buy like a video game. I had saved up money. I had like 90 something bucks saved up. And I took my buddy with me. We went to a GameStop. I was like, you be my second set of eyes, you know? And we're both just like adrenaline pumping. That's dude. It's so scary when you're little driving a car you're not supposed to. Yeah. My grandma was just asleep at home. Crashed it? Yeah.

So they couldn't sell me the video game because it was like, you need an adult there. So I was like, fuck. So I got to drive home now. Yeah. So we got in the car and I'm trying to like exit the parking lot onto the main road. But there's a lot of cars coming in and the front of the car was like sticking out too far. So I got scared and I just like slammed it into reverse and I slammed into this dude's Dodge Ram car.

And it was this big old white dude. And he just looked kind of like surprised to see this little 12-year-old come out, right? Yeah. And he's just like, what the hell, man? He's like, you have insurance? And I was like, you have parents? And I was just like, man, I'm going to be 100% honest with you. I don't know how insurance works. This is my grandma's Jeep. I don't think she has insurance. She doesn't know English. So I don't know if she even did all that. Yeah.

I was like, I know body work must be, like, expensive because I, like, I dented his bumper in or whatever. And I was just, like, pleading with him. I was like, look, man. I was like, this is, like, 98 bucks and it's all my money, like, ever. Just take it. Yeah. And he was just like, just get out of here, man.

But that's crazy. That was nice of him. Yeah, it was. But at the same time, it's like your punishment is like, just see if you can make it home. Like 12 year old. Yeah. But he took your 98 bucks. Yeah. He took the, he took the money. He was like, just get out of here, man. But man, yeah, I was just like, all right, fuck it. And did you fuck the Liberty up?

nah bro i my grandma like never found out about that i got bagged before she woke up from her nap that's not bad so you never been in like a real car wreck like airbags deployed and all that shit oh i've gotten one before it sucks yeah yeah a lady just ran the stop sign just fucking nailed me damn yeah she had no insurance airbag there was airbags you got nailed by a lady nice i did bro hell yeah cheers bro only the best only the most alpha well how old was the lady

Yeah, in her early 20s. Early 20s? Yeah. Oh, bro, you got nailed by a chick. I did. By a girl. It was a chick, and she tried to get... She didn't have insurance, so... She tried to blame you? Oh, yeah. She tried to come out. She was, like, holding her neck like she was going to sue me. I'm like, dude, you ran your stop sign. And once she figured it out, I, like, showed her, like, no, no, no, look, like, you fucked up. She thought she was going to get paid, and I was like... You just did, like, one of these, like, a flinch? Dude, I got, like, knocked out. When I came to, I saw the car, and I was like...

I got to get that lady's license plate. So I went up and I like, I put it in my phone or whatever. And then like, she came out like rolling on the ground, like, I'm calling my lawyer. And I was like, she had a kid, dickhead, you're at fault. And she like literally got instantly better and was like, oh shit. And then like, we're sitting there and then eventually she like peeled off and took off, but I already had the plate. So wait, so she tried to just take off before you, damn. Yeah. That's her problem. She's being a jerk. Damn. Being a fucking asshole. But you, you got, you tracked her down.

She didn't have anything, so it was like, it was kind of like, she didn't have insurance. I had like the weakest. You took the loss? You just straight up took the loss? Took the L. There was nothing to be had. She didn't have insurance. How long ago was this?

Probably like five, six years ago. I got like a for real brain injury. I was knocked out and I didn't sleep for like four days after that, but I wasn't tired. Bro, where was this? Philly. In Philly? Yeah. Bro, let's go find this broad. Well, so it's illegal to search people's addresses through their insurance. I thought you were going to say it was illegal to say broad. No, you can say broad. It's illegal to search. It's illegal to search a broad's address? Yeah, if you take someone's license plate and get their address from it, you're technically not supposed to do that.

But I was able to do that. And then we just like, you know, we pulled up and like saw the situation. It was like, there's nothing to be had here. Yeah. Yeah.

This is like, is it like the house? Like, what's that movie, The Fighter with Mark Wahlberg? You ever see that movie? I've seen it, yeah. And he has like all the sisters. I just feel like one of the sisters hit you. She's like, ma! It was a lady and her mom. And the mom like came out and like, you know, like the lady's not here. And then, you know, it was a big thing. But she did the right, she did go eventually. And I told her, I was like, I'm not pressing charges. But she went and eventually like took ownership. And she didn't get like a hit and run. But there was just financially nothing to do. I could have sued her if I wanted to, but it's like...

Not going to sue like a super poor lady. Yeah. You know, because...

be like, now you got to get, I'm going to garnish her like Wendy's paycheck for four years. Like I'm not, you know. Free Frosties. You should have just told her free Frosties or free desserts from wherever the bum fuck you work at for the rest of your life. True. Pull up as a reminder. Hell yeah. Nah, I'm not like that, bro. I'm a nice guy. I know you've been trying to take me down this whole time, but I'm actually a really nice guy who like loves my dad. I know you're nice, bro. I just think you got some issues. I do. Yeah. I do have some issues. Saw one too many shirtless people growing up.

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Please come out to that. I'm begging you guys. Ticket sales look okay. I'm not mad at them, but let's try to bump them up if you guys can. If you can't, I totally understand. I would never bother you. 1115 Tysons, Virginia, Capital One Hall. I think that's close to Washington, D.C. No knock on Tysons, Virginia. I'm just saying if you guys want to kind of come in from there, I don't think the commute would be too bad. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's far. Just check it out.

Also, 1116 New York, New York, as part of the New York Comedy Festival at Town Hall. I'll be there for a night, so come to that. And also, here's the big one, 1129 to 1130, I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. Come on out. What do you say? Why wouldn't you? Matilda!

Dude, I can't believe you never saw a shirtless construction worker. That's crazy. Did you work construction? Yeah. You never saw it. What was your like field of construction? I was on the electrical side. Okay. Yeah. I did electrical before. Yeah. What'd you do? Were you like a helper? Did you get like, did you like run it or like what was your? Yeah, no, I was not running shit. Outlets and shit. That's what I did. Yeah. Outlets. I just have to like watch out for the, what do they call it? The track holes when they.

They like dig and stuff because we had a lot of like underground. You're doing like the services and shit? Yeah, we're like working like at factories and installing big machinery. Oh shit, okay. Yeah, it's pretty industrial, bro. Yeah, I was doing like houses and shit. No, okay. I was doing like outlets and stuff. Okay, you see what I'm talking about here though? It's like... So you're in an industry. In residential, anything goes.

I don't feel like that's true either, though. You can't just go to someone's house and take off your clothes, bro. If it's a shell, no one's there. It's a brand new house. Talking new construction, old construction. Okay. New construction, no shirt, no problem. Maybe that's how things are going in Philly.

True. Here, the construction guys look like fucking Fallout characters. They have, like, a mask all over, sleeves on. The oldies and shit. Yeah, it's crazy. They look like fucking creative players in Fortnite. Yeah, bro. Because we have a structure in good old Texas, all right? It's not a free-for-all. Bro, yeah. This isn't Philly where crime runs rampant. True, true.

And men are just twerking off the walls. When's the last time? Have you been in Philly recently? Yeah, I went. Not recently. It was already like...

You know when it was during WrestleMania. Okay, yeah, that was like, that was relatively recent. I saw that guy Drewski there. Did you really? Yeah, I'm a big fan of Drewski, but he didn't want nothing to do with me. What the fuck? Which is understandable because like the situation. What's the situation? What are you talking about? I guess we were staying at the same hotel. Gotcha. And I was leaving the hotel around like 3 or 4 a.m. to go to the airport. And as I'm getting in the car, my buddy was like, yo, that's Drewski. He's like walking towards the hotel.

And I just yelled from like the other side of the street. Like, Journalist Gang, let me get a picture. And his security just looked around like, who yelled that? And they just like zoomed into the hotel. Yeah, true. So that's why I was like, all right, I understand that. Yeah, that makes sense. Probably thought it was like some...

some drunk, you know, crazy fan. Yeah, true. He didn't know it was two young Kings in passing. Yeah. Yeah. You should hit him up. Rehit him up. Like, dude, that was me who screamed at you. And I'd still like that picture. I don't think he's going to open that. Nah. It is funny to see who you can, uh, like who will actually respond to you. Cause you're pretty big in comedy. You get around. So it's like, have you like tried to reach out to like famous people to see if they'll honor it? Or like, how do you, how do you go about that?

Man, I rarely reach out to like a famous person. But if they reach out to me, I'm just like, hell yeah, we're friends now. Yes. Yeah, it is cool. It's a cool feeling. Me and Pawel, we talk. That's tight. Yeah, yeah. He's a businessman too now. He's like all cleaned up. Yeah, he got the comb over now. Really? Yeah, that guy's different.

Well, as a white rapper, you have to eventually... Like, if you get too old and you still look the way you did when you were 20, it doesn't age well. Eminem never did a comb-over, but he did grow a beard. He had to switch it up, because it's like, if he was fucking 50 with blonde hair, dyed blonde hair, it just starts to look kind of like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah, that's true. People don't think about that. White rappers do have to go through a lot, man. Yeah, white rappers, they gotta like... And then they...

I don't know. Did you ever watch that guy? Did you see that guy? His name was Lil White. Did you see him? Yeah, I actually have, yeah. From Memphis? Yeah, I remember that guy. I can't picture what he looks like, but I have definitely seen him. I don't know where he's at now, but that's one white rapper that I'm like, why didn't he, like, I don't know. He should have been more popular than he was. He was white, but he was like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what, man? He kind of looked a lot like, who was that other guy? He looks like he owns a strip club in that one picture. He does, dude. See, look, look, that's him now. I wonder what happened to him. He kind of cleaned it. He went like full Conor McGregor, like necktie, kind of businessman looking.

Yeah, there was another guy. Oh, my God. Who's the Riff Raff? He kind of reminds me a little, the look a little bit of Riff Raff. A little bit, I guess. People shit on Riff Raff a lot, but man, you ever heard that song Time by Riff Raff? Look up that song on YouTube. I like Riff Raff. Bro, that song, it'll make you cry. Really? Hell yeah. Yeah, they can do it to you.

Crying to a riffraff song would be crazy. Did it really get you? It made you cry? I mean, not me, because I'm a man. True that, yeah. No, they could get me. I could see that. Riffraff for real was like a bonafide, he was like a sick celebrity. He was like a cool dude. Yeah, he had those weird chompers, those fucking... He had the X Factor. Yeah. Wasn't he in the movie Spring Break?

I don't know, maybe. I think he played in like Harmony Corrine did this movie and he played like a drug dealer and he was a good actor too. I never watched that movie but that's the one where James Franco sucks the gun, right? He puts a gun in his mouth. Dude, I'm the worst with movies. I see movies. Yes, he wasn't it. Yes, I'm thinking that might have been the one.

Oh, fuck. That was Franco. Or were they just basing it off of him? I don't know. Maybe Franco and Riff Raff were in that movie. If I was Franco, I'm thinking Riff Raff played that character. Fuck that, bro. Riff Raff should sue them. He should sue Franco for trying to beat him. Yeah, true. Yeah, I guess Franco did suck a gun in that movie. I probably walked out during that. I was probably like, I'm not fucking watching this bullshit. Everybody's saying they walked out of Joker.

I heard. The Joker gets raped, right? Isn't that like... What? Someone said there's a three-man-on-one-man rape scene. Why? Why did they do all that? I don't know why they did that. I'm going to be honest, and damn. Yeah, that's fucked up. They took that... Did you like the first one? I liked the first one, but maybe this is me just having a little bit of that like...

toxic Texas mentality but when I saw that the movie was called Joker A Folier or some shit like that I was like this is gonna be so gay when it had the French shit yeah you don't have to apologize for that instinct why do you keep apologizing for having just like a proper masculine instinct people get mad at shit like that who though I don't know on the internet I don't gotta worry about them

People get mad all the time, dude. But I hear what you're saying. It is a correct instinct to see a French title and be like, this might be kind of gay. Why? Why would they do that? Yeah, that sucks. What is the title of it again? Oh, he does get it. Yeah, the Joker gets gang raped by prison guards in Joker 2.

after he called out the abuser. So now they made Joker a victim, you know? Well, I said, very glad I will never watch this movie fully. They ruined the first movie's legacy. How about that?

Yeah. How would you take that, script writer? That's crazy, too, to be like, we're going to start this off with a prison gang rape. Whoever wrote that review, fuck them, too. I know. Because they're just like, ruined the first, they're just sucking the dick of the first movie. To say the legacy, too. Calm down, bro. The first one was just a good movie. Like, it's fine, you know? That's just the legacy. Imagine looking at it, thinking about movies' legacies. I just think it's crazy to think there's like a legacy, like, on Max.

You want to see my legacy? Sure. Do you have an account? It's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I always think, do you ever think about the world of very serious men?

Yeah. It's kind of... That's what they're up to. If you're not funny, you're like thinking about movies' legacies. You're like, they've tarnished the reputation for all time. This movie will never... Bro, people who write movie reviews. Yeah, dude. I took my son to watch Inside Out 2. Great movie, too, by the way. I thought that movie was hilarious. Did that make you cry? It didn't make me cry, but it made me laugh a lot. Really? Yeah, I loved that movie. It was good. And I saw this one post on Instagram randomly where...

somebody was just talking shit about the movie and they did it in such an educated movie critic way and I'm just like, dude, suck a dick. Yeah, dude. What's your problem? This is just a funny cartoon movie. That movie helped me. I watched it and I was like, yeah, dude, I do gotta take it easy and just start going like a little... Like when the...

I don't want to spoil it, but when she has that ending skating scene. Yeah. Let's spoil it. When she was peaceful at the very end. People have seen it by now. True. Dude, that movie, for real, like for three days, I felt like I was like tapped into that state that I watched that girl. When she was like, you're not good enough. You're not good enough. Yeah, dude. But when I saw that she stopped caring if she was good enough or not, I'm like, she's never going to be anything in life. You think she's going to settle? She's going to be a fucking loser. Yeah.

I didn't think about that. Probably a housewife or something. Yeah, just settle. Not that housewife is bad, but I bet you she's not going to have like a successful man. Yeah, she won't be. You don't think she'll have a successful man? Or she won't be slamming other ladies into the boards on the hockey rink?

She's going to play like fucking, what do you call it? Like recreational hockey. Yeah. Give it up. Yeah. As long as she keeps up that mentality. True. She probably got knocked up. Bro, you can't be a champion in life and take care of your mental health. It's true. This is stupid. You got to just grind yourself into a pulp. Yeah. Yeah. I go back and forth on whether or not that's the case. I'm like, or you could come from like a supreme perspective, like Rick Rubin.

Just like totally chill. You think Rick Rubin's not fucked in the head right now? I think he's chill. I don't know. He's wrote a whole book about how chill he is. Yeah. Yeah. You think he's like secretly freaking out? That guy has demons somewhere, bro. Yeah, true. Doesn't he just walk barefoot everywhere? Yeah, and he lives according to different weather patterns. He just moves like six times a year. You're right. You got to be crazy to move like that. I'll tell you what. That's probably what keeps him sane, though, if anything, is he doesn't ever shave or get a haircut.

and he just goes where the weather's comfortable. Yeah. He never once just wakes up and has to do something outside. He's just like, fuck, fucking hot as shit out here. Yeah. He's just barefoot. And he's just a vibe man. He gets paid to like sit in on albums and be like, how you feeling, bro? And people like, apparently he's a fantastic producer. Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. The guy's like...

Like a musical genius. I had the same instinct as you. I was like full of shit. The guy, nobody's that chill. It's all bullshit. Then I read his book and I'm like, damn, this guy might be that chill. Nah, I read the first chapter of his book and I was like, nah, fuck this guy. I can see that. What are you trying to teach me here? Be open to the creative impulse of the universe, dude. I guess. You don't want to hear that? Oh,

Where do you think you get your ideas from? Do you think you spawn them yourself or they just dawn on you from out of nowhere? My ass. You're a pretty prolific dude, man. You come out with a lot of stuff. Yeah. Pretty sick. He's got a cool ass. Ass. Comes right out of your ass. I fart a lot. That's nice. I'll say this.

I do... No, I do respect Rick Rubin's whole, like, this is how you stay creative thing. But the thing I didn't like about his book... And maybe I should have read more of the book because it's not fair to, like, judge off of the first few pages. I mean, you didn't judge it by the cover. The cover is pretty kind of, I would say, minimalistic and kind of cool. You didn't judge it by the cover. I do like the cover. You judged by the intro. He starts off with a quote. Yeah, what was the quote? I don't remember the person who says it, which I should because I do love that quote. But it's like... It's something along the lines of, like...

The objective is not to create art, but to be in that wonderful state of mind in which art is inevitable. Yeah. I like that too. I don't necessarily think of writing jokes as an art. I feel like it's kind of gay to say that. It is. But I do feel like I get what they mean. If I'm just in that state of mind where like,

funny just kind of flows like funny thoughts like yeah I get that you know yeah I get the same way if I'm like too crabby or caught up with all the bullshit it's like it doesn't come if you can stay if I can stay kind of like

chill somehow or like just like keep a you know humorous outlook on life rather than being like i gotta fucking sell tickets like that that whatever that's happening my you know i'm not tuned in so i get it but it is also very gay to be like my art so i i do appreciate that too to be like nah dude i just go and it's i think that's why the rest of the book was just like i couldn't keep reading because if if the if the whole point of the book was to get me to like

get me into a creative space. I was like, oh, the quote was enough. It wasn't even his quote. Somebody else said that. And the rest of the book is just him being like, imagine you're like a blade of grass. And

Ruben would probably be like, good, I'm glad you just read the quote. Sometimes that's all we need. That's cool, too. I'm sure he's a cool guy. But that is, yeah, a lot of it is that very zen kind of like, you know, like a blade of grass grows, and if you watch it... I'm also not a big fan of hippies, though, so I feel like I probably would avoid that guy. Like, if me and him were, like, in a room and I'm hungry, I'd be like, put some fucking shoes on so I can eat. Yeah, you'd be pissed off, yeah. Yeah, I'd be like, fucking... Yeah, I'm the same way. I love hippie philosophy, but the reality of hippies, when I come around them, I'm kind of like...

Sometimes they smell. Yeah. They smell. Dude, they're very, they're backstabbers, bro. Yeah. They preach this big thing when it comes down. Dude, like the hippie life is, a lot of it is just following bands. And it's hard because you can't have a job and follow a band. So they do a lot of like kind of, you know, like sell this or that or whatever. Oh, yeah. I saw that South Park episode. Yeah. Did you? Yeah. You remember that one where they do like a, like a Woodstock thing? Oh,

Wow, that was, when was that? That was a while back. I was a kid. What did they cover on that one? I don't remember. So like all these hippies are starting to come to South Park and they get into like the kids' minds where they're just like, the corporations are evil, man. We're going to take them down. I remember, yeah. And then they do the big Woodstock thing.

And the kids are there like, all right, like, when do we start taking down the corporations? It's like, when they see this music festival, like, they're really going to fucking have it, you know? Yeah. And Carmen, Carmen was the only voice of reason in that episode because he's the one that's like a hippie exterminator. He always hated the hippies. Yeah. Dude, I've had like firsthand experience with them and they're like very behind that whole like facade of like, yeah, man, it's like...

They're fucking, like, very self-serving and, like, very shitty towards one another. Yeah. They'll, like, really, they'll, like, stab each other in the back just to be able to, like, follow a band for six months. And, like, they'll, like, steal each other's, like, connects and all this stuff. It's, like, fucking, being a hippie is, like, ruthless, man. I don't know. Now that sounds kind of cool. I kind of want to be, like, a road hippie. Dude, evil hippies. Survival of the fittest. They're fucking evil hippies. Dude, they'll, like, come into a town, be kind of transient, set up shop.

Start selling a bunch of weed at festivals. It's like a whole economy of itself. Man, now I'm just really afraid that people are going to hear me on this podcast and be like, yeah, this guy is fucking Republican. Why? Dude, it's inevitable. You're a man. If you get older, you're going to become Republican. You think so? Yeah, dude. All right, but I'm going to be closeted Republican. I'm never going to act on it. Yeah, don't act on it. Just keep it to yourself. Do you want to be Dem or you just don't want to be either? You want to be apolitical? Is that what it's called when you don't do either? Yeah, just be fucking like... The women, you can get some pussy being Dem.

If you're like, yeah, dude, I fucking love the Democrats. I feel like you get more pussy that way. You think so? Maybe for white guys. Maybe, yeah. Maybe so for white guys. Because it's like, I'm...

I also feel like at their core, women want a strong conservative man. I hang out with strippers, bro. They just care about money. True. They're also pretty fucking apolitical. They don't care who I vote for. Have you dated a stripper for real? I've never dated, but we hang out. Yeah, you chill? Yeah. Do the night thing? Yeah. Yeah, they don't really care. I used to love going to strip clubs early, like on a Sunday afternoon. Because there's no one else in there. You can really chat them up. Yeah. That's a good time to go. You think so? I don't know. Yeah.

They're not that busy. I'm learning a lot about you and myself during this podcast. You never went in the afternoon and just chilled? If the sunlight is out, I don't want to go. Oh, dude, it's the best. I don't want to go to the strip club unless I'm already drunk. Really? Yeah. No, I would drink a little bit, but dude, I'm telling you, try this, dude. Go in there with your friends, Sunday afternoon, quiet time. They're not all as like business mode. It's them. They're chilling. You can really just have a good time. I've went on a date with a stripper before. Yeah? Yeah.

I think she was honestly between us. I think she was just trying to take money from me. But it was like, yeah, it was pretty, pretty bad. Well, it wasn't all I thought it would be. I thought it'd be more glamorous, like dating a stripper, but she had like an infant there with her when I showed up at her house. What? Yeah. Dang. Yeah. We made out. No, it's very, it's very humbling. It's more humbling than you would think. It's humbling too. But I do like just kind of like partying and hanging out with just women of the nightlife. You like that? Bottle girls, bartenders, strippers, whatever, like.

Because those are the girls that, like, just want to have fun and they're not expecting you to, like, go on real dates. True. But I did meet one, and I won't say in which city because then I feel like she's going to know I'm talking about her and she'll probably get her feelings hurt. I did meet one that I do feel like she was very much like I was her ticket out. And if I'm your ticket out, you're not doing so good. Like, you're, like, pretty down in the dumps, you know? Yeah.

You're doing well. What are you talking about? I don't know. I just feel like there's so many better ticket outs. Yeah, yeah. But you felt that pressure. Yeah. See, I would cave instantly. I'm such a simp, dude. I'd be like, come on, I'll make an honest woman out of you. Yeah? I know myself. I'm old enough now where I know myself. I think before, when I first started getting attention from women due to success...

I was a little bit like that. I was just like, yeah, but I wouldn't really do it. Yeah, for sure. But now I'm at a point where I can be honest. I'm like, nah, don't expect me to be very righteous. True. Yeah, I think I'm pretty shitty. That probably turns them on, though. When you're telling them you're not righteous, they're probably like, damn. Yeah. It's tight telling a lady, like, I'm not righteous. What are you going to do, though? Are you going to try to find a...

Are you just going to keep messing around with women of the night or are you going to try to find like. I think I'll find like a girlfriend eventually. True. But I'm never going to get married. Yeah. I don't think I could do that. Yeah. This is kind of like a little weird to me. And like, I don't want to legally bind myself to a person. Yeah. I'm just afraid of legal stuff. Paperwork. I've done it twice. You did it twice? Yeah. I've been married, divorced, and I'll marry it again.

Two kids. Okay, well, that's good, though. It worked out the second time. Yeah, it's going. But it's like, yeah, it's pretty... I kind of agree. It is a weird... Like, I've heard of this before. If you look at the legal agreement of marriage, it's the worst deal ever, really. But at the same time, it's like... Like, would you ever sign up with something? Like, yo, if we stop talking, you're going to take half the matter. It's like, legally, it's a bad deal for a man. It's like, if I love somebody...

Why do we have to split shit 50-50 if it doesn't work out? Yeah, I think it's just set up for like, it's kind of like in a, so that women can't get like basically abused, like knocked up, not like hit, but like knocked up. Because rearing a child for a person is like a serious thing. So it's like they should be entitled. I think they should be entitled to something for the rest of your life.

All right. I agree with that part. Yeah, but I hear what you're saying, though, but like 50% of everything, it's like that should be kind of up to your discretion. Also, I don't think there should be like legalities behind it. Yeah, but it's because of bad actors. Then you get guys that go in and just knock chicks up. Yeah, that's true, too. And then it's like you're not taking care of it at all, so it's like you need to have something. My son's mom, we get along very well, and I'm always going to do what I can to make sure they're both good.

But I guess I could see like if I was just being like real shitty to her, like I could see how like the legalities of it could help her out. Yeah, you're like a good dude. You're not like there's dudes out there that are just like for real, like they'll just do. I had friends that be like,

Just would just blow loads and chicks. Not even. Don't even care. They didn't give a fuck. Wouldn't think twice about it. That's because I started playing a lot of Red Dead 2. True. Don't want my honor to be hurt. You didn't play that game? I didn't.

That game is sick. You can go either way, dude. You can be a villain or you say you're high on or on Red Dead. Only because I restarted the game. Did you have like a wicked life on Red Dead? Yeah, I was going bad for like... I was already like to chapter five and like at the end of every chapter I was getting that wolf that like...

You know, when you... I never made it that. I've only, like, kind of seen the game and got, like, the feel for it. Yeah. There's a wolf that comes after you? Yeah, like, in between chapters. Every time you go to the next chapter, right, the next level of the game or whatever, it either shows, like, an elk, if you're, like, this honorable man, or it shows, like, a wolf, like, just staring you down. Damn. Yeah. Or I think it's, like, a wolf. It's, like, a black wolf-looking thing. Mm-hmm. And, um...

I was just like, man, that's pretty sick. Like that wolf thing, you know? But then I was just like, I don't know. I always thought my honor was in the middle. And then one day I checked it because I never check it. And I had like really low honor. Damn. And people were treating me like shit. I would say, howdy, mister. So people walking by and they'd be like, you moron. Yeah.

And I'll fucking shoot the guy. Yeah, I mean, what else are you going to do? He provoked you. So I'm trying to redo the game, but with high honor to see what the difference is. But it's hard, bro. I know, man. It must be difficult. I was riding my horse the other day, and this dude rode by with his horse. He's like, that's a mighty fine horse you got there. He's like, you want to race him? So I was like, hell yeah, I'll race the guy. And when he got ahead of me,

Because he fucking cheated, piece of shit. But I remember for some reason, like, I guess his horse knocked him off. But I'm riding my horse full speed. So, like, the guy gets off his horse or falls off of it. And then, like, I immediately run him over. And I lost honor. And I was like, bro, that was a manslaughter. It was an accident. That was a voluntary manslaughter. Yeah, but I still lost honor for it. What? Yeah. So I'm suing Rockstar. Yeah, true, man. That's fucked up. What are you going to have to do to, like, make up for it?

I don't know. I got to probably say hi to a bunch of NPCs. You're going to spend the rest of your life making up for that crime. Hell yeah. Damn, you don't even try to run the... It's so hard to play those games and not just murder everybody. Bro, I accidentally... I didn't even pay attention. I rode my horse by somebody's campfire and I just heard a voice. I just heard a voice being like,

This camp ain't for me. I didn't invite any visitors. And I turned around to see, like, who's talking, and the guy had his gun on me. The guy pulls your gun on you. You got to shoot that guy. Yeah, you do. You do. That's just Texas law, baby. Does that fuck up your honor? Yeah. I lost honor for killing that guy at his campsite. Look, man. None of us are going to be perfect. You got to do what you got to do. I think it'd be... Here's the thing, though. What...

What the fuck, Rockstar? Like, why do you put that in the game, bro? Like, I already got to have honor in real life and I got to have it in the game too. Like, I came here to escape, bro. I came here to kill old 1800s...

Yeah, man. Now you got to worry about like, yeah, being judged and stuff. Yeah. I agree. That kind of does ruin it just to put like a moral pressure on the whole thing. Yeah. I'm going to go back to playing low honor mode. Yeah. You have to. It's kind of there's something crazy about like just being a good boy in a video game. It's like, bro. And then you're going to snap no matter what your character dies at the end. Your character gets tuberculosis in the game. Really? Like he's fucking Doc Holiday or something.

what yeah you're like what the fuck i paid so much money for this game and i die and i got disease in the game so you're struggling with like morality and like death yeah bro it's better to just shoot everybody in that game yeah you just gotta go nuts you can rob people it's pretty sick that's pretty tight you can like find uh card games and i don't know it's kind of weird hearing the npc stuff like there's like a new orleans type city

And I feel like the voices they do for the different characters are like, they were afraid to be racist, so they're like borderline. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's like a Chinese immigrant, but... It sounds like he grew up in New York, kind of. Yeah, he like barely has like an accent. Yeah, that's kind of bullshit, man. If you're going to do it, do it, man. Fucking commit, bro. Yeah, go all in. Or like, you ride your horse out, and like, there's like...

There's, like, you go do missions for, like, some plantation owners. And I guess this is, like, post, you know, after the Civil War. So there's, like, no black workers out there. Really? Yeah, but I'm like, eh, this is the South, and all these workers are white. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't have the slaves in the game. They didn't have no slaves. There's black people in the game, but none of them are slaves. Free men, yeah. We passed a cotton field recently. Me and my wife's black. We passed a cotton field coming from here to, like, Houston.

And she was like, what is that growing? I was like, and then eventually I was like, it's a cotton field. She's like, it's a fucking, the game should like let you, the game should be a little more accurate, but it should let, and I think it does on one. I don't know. I'll do the Chinese accents if they need somebody. I'll do, but they should let you like fucking, I don't know, like you,

Your mission now is like fucking kill this slave owner. I don't know. Yeah. Some cool shit like that. Like Django. Yeah, you can go liberate them. But don't give me white fucking people picking cotton. Oh, were they out there working? Maybe they had white slaves. Maybe the game's just based as hell. I feel like now I'm going to get like some angry Republican in my DMs like, there was fucking white slaves too. That's what I'm saying. You're in on the white slave theory, dude. Dare I say, some of the Irish, bro.

I think there were a couple. I think there were a couple of white slaves, but it's one of those things where it was like not a lot. You know what I mean? There's like a Mexican character on Red Dead.

And you can walk by some Mexicans or like they're drinking in the bar. And I'm like, ah, that's pretty accurate, I think. Yeah. It's like this drunk Mexican dude. So they cry, but they hit the accent, but they wouldn't hit a Chinese or Asian accent. Bro, but all the accents are like mild. Yeah. You know what I mean? What was like, how did the Asian guy sound? The Asian guy was like, um...

Oh, don't go back there, sir. Bye. Yeah, they still gave him. I know what you mean. It should have been way more. Yeah, I'm also bad at accents. So I don't know. I just sounded like me. I was just trying to get you to do an Asian accent. I just sounded like me but whispering. The guy sounded more Asian than that. That is a good. Yeah, it's a harmful stereotype that Asians only whisper. Yeah. But all right. Is it offensive if you do like an Asian voice but it's not?

that you just made up. Like, how do you say it? Like, if I'm quoting...

an already Asian accent. Yeah, I think it's totally fair to do that. Yeah? And hilarious. I don't know. I think it's a hilarious bit. I guess it's pretty racist. I don't know. I don't think it's racist to say the talk like other people talk. Well, I just, I mean like the bit was probably racist. Oh, yeah, yeah. But this is, I grew up watching Family Guy. Very little parental supervision.

But there's that scene. It always makes me laugh. It might be wrong to laugh at it. I don't know. But it just makes me laugh. It's one of those family guy cutaways. Yeah.

And it's like an Asian dude going up at the Apollo to an all black crowd. And he's just like, how everybody doing tonight? He's like, you ever had two black guy going to your store? It's like one go one way, one go the other. He's like, what they doing? What they stealing? Who with me? And it's like an all black crowd. And they're just like, boo, fuck this guy. And the dude just gets pissed. Like, he's like, all of you stay out of my store. I remember your face. Yeah.

That's hilarious. Right. It's genuinely hilarious. That's very funny. But is it racist? Yeah, but it's funny enough to where like, you know, it's one of those things where it's like, with racial humor, if it's not funny, it sucks. Because then everyone's kind of like, oh man. It's just straight up racist. When it's funny, it's just like you're taking a thing and just kind of like, you know, elevating it to like a very funny level. But at that point, it's like, what makes it funny? I have...

an idea of like what my rule is for like, does it qualify as funny? Yeah. But I think everybody has a different rule or whatever, like a different. See, I think a black person watching that would be laughing. Yeah. Yeah, dude. If you see like a Chinese guy just doing that and like, get out of my story. It's like, I think, yeah, I think that's funny. I think of a joke, whether it be on TV or like in person or whatever, think of a joke. If like 50% of the people in the room,

hearing that joke laugh like it's funny yeah you you lost like not that you lost the right to like say how you felt about it but like at if 50 if half the room laughs yeah you have to admit like all right

Like, it's more funny than it is offensive or whatever. For sure. Yeah, you're making people laugh. It's a beautiful... It's a wonderful thing to laugh. So it's like, if you can take something, you know, like that, and then just turn it into something very funny that causes people joy, it's like, yeah, you should definitely do that. Hell yeah. Right? Yeah. But the problem with the race stuff is when people...

In my opinion, when they just be like, I know people are going to get mad and I'm going to say this. And it's not funny. And it's not like a moral thing I have against it. I'm like, that just sucks. It's like, make it funny. Yeah. It's better when people are like, watch me say this. And it's like, cool, man. One of my buddies didn't like South Park when we were kids because he thought it was racist towards Mexicans. But that buddy also didn't even speak Spanish. So I'm like, bro, you're not even a full Mexican here. Like, you're racist. Yeah.

Yeah, South Park is so funny, man. That's crazy. He didn't like when they're like, they pay the illegals to write their essays and they wrote their literal friends. They're like, oh, see, I wrote my essay. That's funny, bro. That was so funny. Funny is funny. Yeah. No, if it makes you laugh, it's good. But yeah, I've recently, I had like a...

Kind of like a, not like a crisis, but I started to be like, I don't know if I even like doing stand-up anymore. And then I was like, I'll do it. I'll go do it on the weekend. And now I've hit a place where I'm like, I find it absolutely essential just for my state, my well-being. That's kind of like got to be tough, too, is when you're being honest with yourself about something like that. Yeah. You dedicated so much time.

time and effort to getting good at stand-up and you go from bombing to like finally doing good and it takes you months years and stuff but then to finally be like I don't want to feel like the Forrest Gump when he when he got tired of running yeah like all right like I'm tired now I'm gonna go home now well I just having little kids and I'm like I don't want to be away I can podcast and not be away from home yeah and then I'd slow up on the stand-up and get miserable and I didn't know what was going on I was like miserable for a couple weeks and then I just didn't do stand-up for like three weeks

And then I did it like the last two nights and I just felt like I was just, I had my pep in my step. I was like, oh, I didn't know I actually had to do that. Did Rick Rubin tell you to do that? No, I didn't. I never finished his book either. To be fair, I didn't finish his book. I love it. I love the idea of it. But yeah, after a couple of chapters, you're like, yeah, I think I get the point here. I agree though. I feel like I got to have a balance of like, I got to spend time with my son. You know what I mean? Yeah. But I also got to like fucking go do some standup. But if I, if I dive into,

too deep into one or the other, I'll start to like fucking tick inside a little bit. No, you're absolutely right, man. And it's one of those things, this is what I tell myself, it's like,

Because I've always, I would get guilty and be like, I should just get a fucking regular job and be here all the time. But it's like, then I'd be miserable and I'd be like mean to my kids. I think about that too. Yeah. It's like, if I stopped doing that, I'd just be a miserable fucking dickhead and just scream at them. I'd do it anyway. True. But it's like, how much more would you do it though? I started punching my son. Oh yeah. I used to, my buddy moved out to New York once.

My buddy that I started doing comedy around the same time as him, he moved out to New York early on. And so I'd always go crash on his couch. Stay out there for a few weeks and just try to go get spots and stuff. And I felt like it helped me get better. And as things started taking off for me, my son was around like the three, four, five,

And it wasn't too hard to like take off because he was living with his mom. And like I could still get my days and I can go stay in New York and just focus on stand up and whatever. But now, you know, he's five. He's in school and he's with me during the week. He's with me a lot more. It might have been like some months ago already. I took a trip out to New York to like try to like stay there for a couple of weeks and work on material. Yeah.

And I was just like, bro, fuck the material. Like, you don't want to go be with my kid. Yeah, exactly. I'm hanging out with, like, funny people, but also hanging out with people who are, like, just kind of, like, still not dads. Yeah, exactly. And I just had to, like, come to terms with, like, bro, I'm a fucking dad now. Like, I just have to accept who I am. Yeah, it is a process, dude, especially because I feel like stand-up, and I wonder if you feel that way, they're like...

Stand up and having kids, it almost feels sometimes like diametric, like completely opposed. But it is tough maintaining both of them. You're right, though. If you do all of one, if you're like, I'm not doing any of this shit. I'm just going to be a dad and focus on that. You do have to do both. But yeah, I try to tell people, I'm like, dude, getting away for a week is like a devastator on my kids, man. When I'm away for the entire week, they're like...

Fucks him up. Bro, my son starts acting a donkey. Yeah, dude. They get bad. He loses respect for everybody in the house. My daughters get so bad. If I'm gone for more than three days, they stop listening to their mom. It's pretty bad. Yeah. And then they don't want to admit. My family or even his mom doesn't want to admit that it's like...

You know, he misses me. Yeah. But that's what it is. Yeah. But you can't, you have to do, you have to be what you are though. Cause if you're, if you try to like become something totally different, I've ever tried in your life to be like, fuck, stand up. I'm just going to square up and get like my regular job. One time I, um, I like quit for like a day. Yeah. I had like a good amount of little opening gigs here and there, local stuff, bar shows and just,

It was having a really stressful time. A lot of arguments.

And just one day I just called everybody who I was going to either open for or like whatever gigs I had locally and I just canceled all of them. It's really dramatic. I was going to quit before I even really had like a start, you know? Write a Facebook post. I'm no longer doing stand-up anymore. I never got that gig. I know, I know. You see people do that. They formally quit stand-up and you're like, all right, man. If you, if you, yeah. I don't know.

If you ever wrote a Facebook post about how you're quitting stand-up, you never really started stand-up, bro. Shut the fuck up. I just like to let everybody know. I'm not going to open mics anymore. But yeah, I just did that for like a day. But then the next day, I was just like, I called everybody back. I was like, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I quit for a day. Yeah. I want to come back.

I tried for like months at a time and I just become miserable, man. I would like try to get jobs and I just, you feel like a fucking alien. And the longer you do standup that like when you try to like work in an office, you just feel weird. And then it's sad. Cause you go like people are like, Oh, you used to do standup. And you're like, yeah. But did you purposely choose like the saddest possible job? That's all I could get. I couldn't get anything else. It was like, I grew up doing construction and then like I went to college and then like I worked in an office. My dad was always like, get an office job. It's the shit you're in the air conditioning. Yeah.

And then I got in an office and I'm like, this is fucked. You ever work in an office before? It's fucked up. Sounds boring. It's unbelievably boring. And it's everybody's doing nothing. I made it like I think four months at one internship and then I lasted three weeks in another office. And I have like a short experience with it. But, dude, it's like it's really fucked up. Everyone's doing nothing. Everyone's pretending to work. And then there's this like big hierarchy where you're getting like I'll get emails in all caps.

They let him know they were mad at me, and I'd be like, the dude's right there. And I'd be like, what the fuck is your problem? You're like, yo, you got a problem, Joe? Yeah, for real. I'd be like, what the fuck is your problem? But I did, I was at an office, and there was a guy. He was like a high-up partner. And he, like, it was like this big dramatic thing where he broke away from his other partners in this office. And his name was like Marissimo. He had like some name.

I had to go to his Google email and delete... I think it was illegal. They wanted to delete proof of something that they had. So I had to delete shit out of his email. But then I pulled up his Google chat and I was chatting up other people from the office as him.

And my boss found out and sent me an email saying, I was like, I hit up my like, I had like the big boss and I had like my direct boss and I hit him up. I'm like, what are you doing? He'd be like, Hey, what's up? I'm like, bro, I got a bottle in my room. I'm kind of lonely. Yeah.

And then he thought it was funny. He told me like, yo, hit up this guy, hit up that guy. And then eventually my, like the boss of the bosses found out and sent me the all caps. Like do not use chat feature while using. It's like, it's fucked up, man. It's like, um, there was a guy in there who would be like,

I'm not going to talk to any of you unless you close a deal. And he would walk in every... He came in only once a week from New York. He wasn't going to talk to you? He wouldn't talk to you or acknowledge your presence. Unless you closed a deal? Unless you closed a deal. So if you said like... So you were rewarded with his presence? He sucked too. Yeah, he was such a dickhead. So like he would come in and like the guy next to me was like, dude, I just want to like make a good impression and talk to him. And his sister also worked there. She was also like one of our bosses. And she was like, I can get you like a face-to-face if you want.

And the dude set it up, dude, through his sister. And the guy came into our office like, hey, man, how you doing? It was like a shitty meet and greet. Yeah, dude, it was awkward. It was really fucking awkward. Yeah, dude, I'm telling you, office life, I have like a serious thing against it. And I think it like for real gives people brain damage. I never took advantage of like the, I guess, jobs I could have had. I always just...

I always went to like work with illegals. Yeah. I had my first job when I was 12 at like, I was a dishwasher. My buddy's family had a restaurant. That dude over there. Oh, nice. And so we're just washing dishes and with his uncles and like working in the kitchen, you know? Yeah. So then-

I did that or I'd go... My dad had a couple different businesses. He had a body shop. So I'd go send cars in the shop where there was no like code requirements being met. Yeah. There's like pictures of naked ladies in mechanic shops. There's a lot of... Yeah, dude. It's like that far off. Then you go to an office and you're like...

You think you can talk pussy with someone at work? Because that's how it is in construction. If you get pussy, you tell everyone. So I would go in and tell my office mate, like, I got pussy last night. And then the lady who was the boss would be like, you can't talk like that. All caps email coming your way. All caps email cooking one up, being like, you are not allowed to refrain from referring to the activities prior to night. I grew up around...

These types of jobs... So by the time I was of working age, like 16, and I went to work at McDonald's, even that was too corporate for me. Yeah. I got to talk to the fucking customers. Yeah.

I was like, can I just wash the dishes? And they're like, no, you're not old enough to do that. I'm like, you'd be surprised. Yeah, true. Yeah. I've been doing this from a young age. Yeah, it does. Working construction does kind of throw you off for the rest of the job market. Like I saw my dad or not. It wasn't my dad. It was someone, it was like one of my uncles, like,

actually I didn't see this I was there they had a guard dog and the dog tried to bite me and a couple other customers it was like a big trash yard oh shit and I came in like you know you go to work like I'd go to work with my dad like you know another Saturday like months later would pop up and I get to go and I was like where's the dog and he's like he shot it they like shot the dog

They just killed it. Yeah. You tell people that and they're kind of like, that's fucked. You were like, that's how we did all caps emails in my, where I come from, baby. My uncle shot the dog. Just like took it in the back and was like, damn dude. You're like, that's fucked up. I'm like, it was trying to bite. Don't try to bite me. I was a child, but also working in those types of settings where like, I'm just me and a bunch of Mexican dudes. Um, I think if, if,

If I hadn't heard this, I maybe would have just been stuck there and never taken advantage of the fact that I was like born in the States and like have an education. But I was working at a body shop and this dude one time, I was maybe like 20. And one of the dudes told me in Spanish, he's just like, hey, man, you don't have papers. I was like, no, I was born here. And he's just like, oh, he's like, we didn't finish school.

I said, yeah, I finished school. I have a diploma. I was like, I even got a semester of community college. He's like, oh. He's like, why do you work here? And I was just like, oh, shit. This dude is just trying to tell me something here. Because I think that guy had kids around my age. And I remember going to one of theirs graduation party.

And he was also telling me about that. He's just like, you know, you could do more stuff. Yeah. Like, you know English. You're educated. Like, fucking do stuff. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah, that's all. That's how my dad always was, too. He was like, don't. Because you get, when you're younger, you get hooked to the money of, like, kind of like construction or, like, auto body. Because you do get paid more than you would anywhere else as a young kid. I always had people like, don't get hooked to the money, man. Just like, don't.

Eventually your body gets all fucked up. I feel like I would get hooked to The Hang. The Hang is sick, dude. The Hang's so good. I just liked working in places where I got along with the people. The Hang's too good. And there's also, dude, there's a...

You just meet characters, too. Like, there's not a lot of... In an office, it's a... There's not a lot of, like, characters in an office where you're like, damn, this is, like, the funniest dude I've ever met. It's like, when you're on, like, a construction site or, like, an auto body shop... If you're the funny... Yeah, they're hilarious. Yeah, if you're the funny guy in an office, you must be, like, pretty funny. But work somewhere where, like, you can get dirty and, like, really fuck around, you know? It's unbelievable. Hold, like, an old piece of, like, pipe and act like it's your dick. You know what I mean? You can't do that in an office. Yeah.

Or like I'd see people fist fight in like a construction job. Boss would be like, knock it the fuck off. And you two shake hands and it was just like, are you right back to work? This is going to sound like a little weird, but hanging out with like these racist country dudes at the construction job I had. And I only had this job for about maybe six months.

And these guys would say some pretty racist shit. Yeah. But never to me or like my Mexicans that I worked with. Like, it was weird.

being around people who were, like, racist but still, like, respectful. And at first, I'm like, what was their fucking problem? I don't want to work with these men. Fuck them. Like, I'm not going to be able to... But it was funny. Yeah. Like, not that the racism was funny, but these were funny dudes. One of them had, like, this boom-hauer thing when he'd get mad. Now, there was these three brothers, and I can't remember which one was which, which might be racism to me, because one was Joe, one was John, and the other one was, like, Jim. I swear to God. Yeah.

And I can't remember which one this one was, but he cussed the most. And he would get mad because we got to a job site one day where they were supposed to be digging, looking for like some line. And they couldn't find it. And it was just like the hole should have been like a few feet over to this. So we had to start digging there. And we were working under Joe that day. And I just remember him being mad. He's like, man, I get tired of this old chicken shit bullshit. God damn it. Fucking bullshit. God damn it, man.

And she's like, oh shit, Joe's mad, bro. He's doing the boomerang thing. Another guy there, a young dude, he might've been around my age, maybe a younger dude named Shannon. And the other dudes would get mad at him because he's like lazy. But that guy was hilarious. He was just, we were working at a, at like a fucking, like a, like a steel, something,

Some place where they have those big metal ovens. Oh, like a foundry where you're like... I don't even know if that's what it's called, but you melt the steel down? Yeah, they're doing shit like that, right? So we'd go eat lunch outside, and there's all these people there. They were really strict there. They're like, don't fuck around in front of the people who work there and all this shit. And this dude, Shannon, would just walk by everybody with his ass out. Yeah, yeah.

It's just like hard hat, glasses. And he's just like, he just pulled his pants down and covered his dick with his hands. We're just like, what the fuck? And Joe's brother was this dude.

I think it was John. And I might be confusing him. It might have been the other way around. But John and Joe, he didn't cuss at all. He would try his best not to cuss. But it's just funny hearing him get mad at Shannon because he's just like, what the crud? Put your butt back in your pants. What the crud?

I don't know. I always felt like there was a delicate ecosystem of, like, racism on construction sites where, like, everyone would kind of fuck with each other. But then if, like, somebody kind of crossed a line or was being, like, malicious, it would be like, dude, fucking get out of here. Because I would get cornered. I was in the laborers' union for a little bit. And in Philly, it's mostly... So...

the whole, like to like paint the whole picture, my dad and his brothers did demolition. Then they, or they had, they did trash and they started a demolition company. So in order to work for my dad, once like the union started bothering him, I had to join the union so I could work for my dad. So I was in the laborers union, but it was mostly like, uh, me and other black, like all black guys doing that. But there was like, like everyone would fuck with each other. Like the white guys would say shit about this and that, but I would get like,

there'd be another white laborer and he would like corner me. I guess he didn't know. Like I was just working for my dad and he would like take me aside and just be like, bro, these motherfuckers are animals. He would go in like hard. And I'd be like, dude, fucking okay. Now I remember the day I realized I was working with like, like some real racist dude. Cause I, at first I'm like, ah, it can't all be like that. Right. You know, maybe like just these couple of guys here. I'm just like, ah, fuck those guys. I won't be around them. Um,

Somebody who was like a higher, well, I mean, everybody was higher up than me in there, but somebody who had like real, I guess like a real position, somebody who would bring us material, be in charge of job sites. Yeah. I don't want to say his name.

But this is nice older guy. He might even be retired by now or he did. I don't know. But he was cool with me. Like, man, it'd be like fucking 100 degrees out there. And sometimes he'd be like, he'd be like, hey, he's like, come on, let's go to Home Depot. And out of everybody on the job site, I got to fucking take a break in the AC just to

go help him carry shit he was an old man you know like just help him carry shit and then uh one day there was like this big lunch with like everybody from the company uh we all just met up because there's like some restaurant they like to go to yeah and uh we were working pretty close to it and we all met up there and I heard him say like some real racist shit and I remember just thinking like

oh man, like I thought you were different. Yeah. But yeah, after that, it was really bad. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I don't want to repeat it. Yeah, that was the thing. There was like people would, it was the same thing. Like people would joke with each other and I'm like, oh, this is funny. And then you get a guy would corner you and you'd be like, oh, you want to like kill these guys. I'm like, dude, you got to chill. Yeah. That was also a fun thing I would do when someone would get like,

very like corner me like can't believe we're working with these fucking animals I'd be like dude we should fucking kill them they'd be like whoa hold on man I'll do this you just go way higher you're like I do it to everyone politically when they're like Trump they spaz on Trump I'm like we should kill his whole fucking family no I don't want to do all that I'm like alright well leave me the fuck out of this nah I heard them I heard them say just one too many remarks one day so I was just like I don't

Yeah. Probably don't want to work here no more. He's probably feeling you out. He wanted to know if he can make like a proper racist out of you. I left and I think they might have thought that like

I would say something because I put in a two-weeks notice, and they offered me a raise, like a really good raise. Really? They were like, ah, come on. He was grooming you, dude. I sucked at that job. He was grooming you to say the N-word. But it was fucked up. They were saying shit about Mexicans, too, here and there. Oh, really? Yeah, and that's why I was just like, bro, this is too much. This is how you guys are going to work up here. Yeah.

And he wouldn't even look at you and be like, excuse me. Was he trying to like joke or was he just trying to like... That guy, I never heard him say nothing about Mexicans, but a couple of other guys, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And...

But, and it was fucked up because the things they said were always worse towards black people. Yeah. And that's why, like, I've been in rooms where, like, Mexicans and black people are like, who's had it worse? And I'm always like, bro, stop. Like, black people had it way worse. Don't do this. Like, I spoke. Every group does that, though. My family's all Irish, and it's like, bro, we got oppressed by the English for 800 fucking years, which is true. But...

Yeah, they kind of take the crown. I give them the crown for pain and suffering. When I took off, I feel like maybe that's why they tried to do that where they're just like, hey, you know, more money. Shut up. And I was like, I just don't want nothing to do with you guys. Yeah, although I have seen some of the most vicious racism I've seen has been American black people versus African workers on the job sites. That's a serious beef. Yeah. Oh, my God, dude. American black people and Africans are like,

You'd think they'd be buddies. But they're like... I feel like that's when I'm an American white guy. If I see a British person, I'm like... Pussy. The fuck is your deal? I think American black people see African people. I think that's how Mexicans from Mexico see Hispanics from America. Yeah, exactly. We'll never be Mexican to them. Exactly. They're kind of like, yeah, you're from some weird-ass country. We're the real deal. Dude, me and my buddy Jaime, we would change the radio when we were kids. Like, just...

There's like a lot of Mexican love songs playing. We changed the radio to just like whatever. You know what I mean? Just like some pop, some hip hop or whatever. And no matter what we put around, the other Mexican dudes would be like, ah, like you faggots. Son hotos. Son hotos. It's like, what? Like, bro. Just because you want to listen to some pop? Yeah, just because I want to change the music. Like, now we're gay? Like, they would get mean, bro. It'd be like, and then.

I do respect the machismo. I think I could say pound for pound Mexican dudes have the highest machismo and I'm kind of for it. I think it's kind of sick. Man, but it sucks when you're the one getting like the fucking... Yeah, it's tough. It's oppressive. I've worked...

They were always my favorite. If I had to pick a group of people in a workplace, and I'm not just saying this because you're here, I think Mexican people were like my go-to. The hang is so nice. Just babes on phones, like, yo, check out this babe. I'm like, yeah, babe's nice. Check out this babe. And it's fucking around the whole time. I know. They could get nasty. But now, like, they made me into like a mean bastard sometimes. Like, when I was a kid, if...

If I'd be like at a family party or something and I'd be like, oh man, it's cold. Like my uncles, my grandparents would be like, eres mujer, you're a woman. I'm like, don't be a woman. I'm like, God damn. I am cold though. It's like we're outside, bro. It's fucking, I see my breath, you know? You're not supposed to acknowledge it. It's crazy. Yeah, they're fucking nuts, bro. But now I kind of do that too where like,

Yeah, I travel with my buddies who do stand-up with me or whatever, and I'll hear one of them complain about something. I'm just like, you fucking woman. You little bitch.

Yeah, it is tight though. I do. I don't know. It just makes me laugh. It makes me. My buddy's like, bro, my dad just got cancer. I'm like, ah, he's being a woman. Shut the fuck up. What are you gay? Hot dog. Yeah, I. Well, shit, man. I think we're at. Yeah, we're at an hour and 38, brother. I don't want to hold you up here all day. Where can people catch you? Do you have anything you want to plug or you just. Man, I got tour dates.

I just don't remember where, but follow me on Instagram at ralphbarbosa03 or check out my website for tour dates at barbosacomedy.com. I think I'm pretty funny, so give me some money. Very funny, bro. Dude, I love your shit. I watch a lot of your clips online. I appreciate it, bro. Thank you so much. Thanks for doing this, dude. You're the man. Thanks for having me, man. Later, man. Later.