cover of episode Grand Theft Rickshaw

Grand Theft Rickshaw

2024/11/14
logo of podcast Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Key Insights

Why does Rusty have a positive outlook despite his condition?

Rusty prefers to joke about his situation and live life with a smile rather than dwell on the negative aspects of his progressive neurological disorder.

What challenges does Rusty face living in Mumbai as a wheelchair user?

Mumbai's infrastructure is not designed for wheelchair accessibility, leading to difficulties with transportation and daily activities. Locals often misunderstand his condition, thinking he's a new competitor in the rickshaw business.

What is Rusty's vision for his YouTube channel, Wheelie Vision?

Wheelie Vision aims to be a platform by and for the disabled, focusing on real content like wheelchair reviews and comedy skits that highlight the everyday experiences of disabled individuals.

How does Rusty's father unintentionally interfere in his social life?

Rusty's father often interrupts his conversations with women, believing he's helping by listing Rusty's assets and capabilities, which can be embarrassing and counterproductive.

What does Rusty enjoy about video games?

Video games have been a significant part of Rusty's life, providing entertainment and a sense of normalcy. He grew up playing various consoles and enjoys the creativity and escapism they offer.

What is Rusty's startup idea, Includetrip.com?

Includetrip.com is a travel startup aimed at providing accessible travel experiences for people with disabilities, allowing them to visit India with ease and comfort.

Chapters

Rusty discusses his life in Mumbai with spinal muscular atrophy, his experiences, and his positive outlook on life.
  • Rusty has been in a wheelchair for 35 years due to a bike accident at age nine.
  • He has a progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy (SMA).
  • Rusty has a humorous and positive attitude towards his condition, preferring to joke about it rather than dwell on the negative.

Shownotes Transcript

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Hello! Oh, hi, Rusty. I'd like to apologize. Oh, hello, King Coco the Red! Yes! Podcast plunderer! Thank you. Freckled fiend! Freckled fiend? And holy puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem! What the hell is going on? Lady Mosesian of Pasadena, mother of coyotes. I love this intro. Thank you very much. My darling, the wise ass!

Hello, assorted minions and henchmen. And Aaron the Nerd. What's up? Oh my God. Who am I?

I have to know, who are you? Who are you? Identify yourself, sir, immediately. I am Sir Rusty Rustamirani from Mumbai, India. Oh my God, your name is Rusty and you live in Mumbai, India? Absolutely. I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me. From one cartoon character come to life to another, I would expect. Rusty.

Rusty, I love you already. I really do. You seem like an amazing person. What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty. Rusty, tell us a little bit. And it's only 1.30 a.m. at night, you know. Sorry about that, Rusty. I'm not even caffeinated yet. I'm not even caffeinated, so can you believe that? Yeah, I don't want to see you on caffeine if this is you without caffeine. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Rusty? Sure, sure, sure. Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty. Well, I'm from Mumbai, India. I have...

born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the US since I was 13 to find a cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair. I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because I don't fall under the compassionate user program.

So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that helps my nerves to create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophibit.

And yeah, I was a kid. Can I ask you quickly? So you have this, you have this ailment. It's a progressive neurological disorder. Progressive disease. And are you, how do you get it? So I could walk as a child. And then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine. Go figure. Like, you know, so yeah, met with a bike accident and I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years. Okay. And I've driven different wheelchairs like since then. Yeah.

And I went to school here in Mumbai, and then I went and studied English from a college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my first degree in English, and then I had this

bug up my ass because I loved films and during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books and because I could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as I'm speaking with you guys here I used to only speak with the head nod and like speaking like this guy like all every typical Indian how we usually tend to talk and

And so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me and like cinema and cinema that is not meant for like a nine-year-old. Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff. Yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either. I'll be honest with you, Rusky. You know what? I'm very impressed though because... And I thought like all Americans spoke like Arnie. Yeah, exactly. So...

So you're walking around Mumbai as a kid. And Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, yeah. Postcard seven years ago. Welcome to Mumbai. So, Rusty, first of all,

I just love that. Clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such fun intended. Yes. Yeah. But you, you, you have such a fantastic, I don't know. You have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny. You're I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story. Like I'm like, I don't even have like those kinds of stories. Like it's,

All my life, it's all about these wackadoo incidents that have been happening with me. It's like one crazy adventure after another. I can't see myself sitting at home and moping about this shit, but I'd rather joke about it and crack a smile and go on with life because...

It's hilarious to me. Like, you know, I don't know how some disabled folk can like, you know, just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life. And yeah, self entitled pricks, but like, you know, me, I'm like different. So I like, you know, like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh. Like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes. So yeah.

I mean, you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty. And tell me, what's it like... Thank you, Sir Conan. What is it like to be...

someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai. What's that experience like? Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a, like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode that we do. So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in Thailand. So the moment I step out of my home...

And I'm a big guy. I'm like almost like, you know, 56 inches across and I'm like six foot two. So I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride. See,

seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled. Like, you know, when I speak like this and when I'm like sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize like, you know, I'm like, I can hardly function in terms of like my motor skills and my ability to like, you know, even transfer myself. But when I'm out there, like from the local,

transportation buses to guys on the cows and the dogs. Everybody chases me. If someone's trying to run me off the road, it's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that. That's out.

So they're not because, you know, in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here, about wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs. I'm sure you guys also know about this because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, like, you know, the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the U.S. had to go through to get the kind of facilities that you got.

Exactly. It was like such a, like they actually went and like, you know, took over the town hall in San Francisco. You know, I wish I could do that, but nobody here would like even come to support me. First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So like, you know, that would be like a challenge. Right. Right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall. It doesn't sound like it would be receptive. So, so, um, what, uh,

If I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together, what would you want to do with me? What would we do together? The first thing I'd do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. Like, you know, we just... I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair, like, you know, causing me to fall over. Hey, hey, hey, easy there, buddy. Easy. I mean...

Have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards like any person with like pale skin? Like, you know, you would be like the star attraction here. Like, you know, like I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like going over ramps like Evel Knievel. Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty. It sounds pretty good. You can't just say, behold, the Conan. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have like an audience of 15 to 20 people.

Like, you know, if I had charged them, I could have earned enough to like, you know, pay for some medicine for my disease. Like, you know, that's the first thing I would do. And the other thing I wanted to do is like, you know, I want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture, like crap that's full of my like experiences and all in my, I want to start my own YouTube channel. Like, you know, I've already, I've already trademarked a name called Wheelie Vision. Wheelie Vision. I don't think.

- Television, yeah. It's a channel by the disabled, for the disabled, and it's got nothing to do with like side stories. It's all about one day dedicated to like, you know, doing actual wheelchair reviews, like you would do like a car review. - But this sounds like a fun, cool channel. And it sounds like you also- - I've been nursing for a long time. - It sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy too.

Oh, I mean, from everything from like a key and peel kind of like a skit comedy show with no holes barred, like, you know, like, like do blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in braille. So you get to learn new things as you're having sex. Okay. I'm writing these ideas down.

Blind guys using condoms with Braille. Yep. And then, like, you know, somebody with, like, a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition, and the interpreter does the singing, but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because, you know, they're deaf.

So you're just sitting around thinking of this stuff. Hitching.

Like, you know, how does that work? Like, you know, so you're suggesting to be honest, like, you know, I go to like a pharmacy in the U S here, it's all over the counter prescription. I go to a pharmacy in the U S the first thing they hand me is like a pill, like a bottle full of pills. And it says, don't operate heavy machinery. I'm always operating heavy machinery. Like, you know, what are you supposed to do? You know, it's shit like that. Like, you know, it's, it's funny. It's, it's, I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way. You know, it's, it's, it

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I'm curious, you said that you're, you spend a lot of time, you obviously you're very well versed in cinema. What about video games? Do you like video games? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on video games. Like, you know, like I said, if you are like on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do, though I like gave it a shot. But yeah, video games like were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing Pong with

that big joystick thingy, you know, then moving on to like knockoffs. We didn't get like American game consoles. They have ripoffs of popular video games in India. They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai. Like you get ripoffs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system, like, you know, for some reason. Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto?

There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans, and they put them into the Indian version of the game. So every tanned NPC player...

I made it into the Indian version of GTA. I think they just pulled this up. We've got a clip here. Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a clip. This is the Indian version of Grand Theft Auto. And you see what I mean? Oh, my God. Oh. What? Mario's in there. Mario's in there. They just...

Oh, multiple Mario. Multiple. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening. That was insane looking. To give them new credit, it's still in the prototype stage. So it's still a pilot project. I hope that's the prototype. I've got some notes. You have notes? Not me. That was perfect. Yeah. Yeah. I got a few notes. And so it mostly involves rickshaws? Yeah.

The Grand Theft Auto doesn't involve cars. It involves rickshaws. They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet, so. But it's still called Grand Theft Auto.

No, no, no. It's got some Indian name. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet. So you say you live with your mother and your father. Tell me, what's your relationship like with your dad? They are my caregivers, my best friends. Nice. Yeah, I'm on first-name basis with them in that sense. They know everything about me and I know everything about them. That's so cool that you know your parents. Yeah.

Yeah. They don't throw potatoes at me. Like, you know. Okay. All right. This is now world famous that my parents were fruit potatoes at each other. Yep. No, but like my dad, like he's never given hope. He's 72. And he always thinks that the cure right around the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker. Like, you know, like every, every.

How is he a wingman slash cock blocker? I will tell you how, Mr. Conant. My father thinks that every woman I meet is an ideal mate for me. Like, you know, like he couldn't do better than this. Like, you know, this is the one for him.

And so the moment I strike a conversation, again, I'll give you a movie reference. You've seen The Seventh Seal with the God of Death playing chess with that knight, right? The German surrealist film. Matt, you know about this, right? Yeah, the Enar Bergman film. My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick. Like, you know, and I'm using like this very, very good- Oh yeah, that's a great line, Rusty. Yeah.

I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think... You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up? Yeah.

I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already had a few too many and meets a very attractive woman who has shown some promise towards it? Yes. And my dad comes up and then he rattles off all the assets I own and how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and giving her as many kids as she wants. Oh, boy. Well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates. No.

He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, he can become erect. It has happened. And then he would go back, he would retreat, and the door would shut. It was like a little cuckoo clock. But he'd just float back. Yeah, he'd float back. Erections are possible with the boy. And then, woo! That was the cuckoo of you get an erection twice a day when the clock strikes two. Yeah.

Wow. Well, it sounds like we have similar fathers. They were built to embarrass us. Because, I mean, I wasn't I obviously I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles. And my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, I think you were you playing with your joystick when that happened?

Okay, Rusty, please. Rusty! I was raised Catholic, and we don't masturbate. Yeah. Let me see your palms. Okay, Rusty. Rusty, I don't know what to do with you, Rusty. I really don't. I think...

But you know what I have to say? You've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least. But good Lord, you have made this such a joyous experience. You're really funny. You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time.

And I applaud you. I really do. I think you're a really impressive person. And it's very cool to know you. It really is. It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years. And if I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side. And if I can make a few Americans cripple and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. I'm starting a startup called Includetrip.com.

It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. That's interesting. That's a very cool idea. And it also sounds like he could use a new wingman. Yes. Oh, and by the way, I'm not a great wingman. I'm not biased that way. Rusty, I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better than your father. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to. I'll take your word for it when you're around here. All right. I can prove it. Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you.

And yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you. My day, my year, my decade since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time. I always show up in porn. I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in than what they did. I guess they just typed in. I want to see a dick. And then I popped up.

No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that. The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my God. He was...

He was awesome. I think Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is. Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is. Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him. The great, great Joel Goddard. Yeah. Yeah. He's still alive. The first Godfather. By Preparation Edge, Raymond. Oh, my God. He's a super fan. Yeah. Hey, Rusty. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'm so glad that you...

found me. You were searching for porn, but you found Conan O'Brien and that's the best way to find me. And thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan. Plages all mine, Conan. Plages all mine. Yeah. Well, I hope we... And you guys are awesome too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys. Like, you know, like...

Like you made it worth like pushing through the pandemic. Oh, thank you. You made it worth my while. And like, you know, yeah. I mean, I just put in this, like, you know, everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once. And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Yeah. That's so cool. It was meant to be. So Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, be well, tell your father to knock it off.

and take good care of yourself. Long days, pleasant nights, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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