The Real Reason You’re Exhausted: How To Gain Control of Your Time & Your Life
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Eight each friend male and welcome to the male Robin's podcast. Is IT just me or is there something about this time year that suddenly ly makes you feel like life is on? know? I thought about this a lot because I feel like i'm already a very busy person, but I feel like i'm hyperventilating and sprinting through the day and I think I nail what IT is.

It's that phenomenon that right as this time of your hits, all the sudden it's Christmas separations. It's thanks giving that like everything's everywhere. I'm like, oh my god, i'm behind.

I'm not even ready and I even thought about this stuff. Holy ca, and here's what I what I do today, I wanted take a deep breath with you because i'm being honest with you. I don't just feel this crazy business is this time here, I struggle with being too busy all your long.

And so I would love to calm down. I would love to get control this. I would love to slow down.

And i've called in a heavy today to give me a coaching session that you need to about everybody's addiction, to being busy, to looking in front, to running to this thing, to doing that, to shopping for this thing, to running there, to doing there, get the and where you're to learn is, is way bigger than what's on your holiday list, what you need to do this weekend. It's way easier than things going at work. This actually to do with your body.

And so today you're to learn not only how to understand business, and this addiction to business is more importantly, you and I are gona learn how to heal IT looking for perfect gift for everyone on your list egg nike belfort dreams cates paye new york and more our north from rax stores now find everything on their wishes all in one place head to your nord stream rock store to score great brands, great Prices, the greatest gifts of all time. Amica is an incredible sponsor of the mombas forecast, and they are also an exclusive insurance. Further is a is why make a representatives care there? That's the reason they take the time to get to know you.

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Age your friend mell robbins, and I am so glad that you're here with me. I always love spending time with you if your brand new welcome to the male rob is podcast family if you are listening to this episode, because somebody that you love census to, you do not be offended. okay?

You're not the only one that struggles with business and feeling overwhelmed and feeling exhausted all the time. And around this time of year, my business goes into overdrive. I just suddenly feel like i'm behind.

I haven't bought gifts for people. I don't even know what i'm cooking for dinner tonight. So how on earth could I possibly know what I should be doing for the holidays? The work starched to pile up because we're getting into the end of the year and q four.

And so it's just like you're on the tread mill of life, everybody during the best they can. And this time of year is as if somebody walks over as like, let's move you from a nice fast walk to about a speed of right oh my gosh, I hate IT. Don't you hate the fact that everybody around you is busy?

Like, just stop and think about how heart IT is to make plans with your friends. Have you been on a tex chain recently? Really like, oh my god, I miss you, I love you. You don't. I give a huge shot up to my friend magazine because my friend magazine, SHE is so good about paying me and staying in touch.

And SHE will throw out a date and like all man, i'm down a boston taping then i'll throw out a day just like all boy, you know, i'm doing this thing for work and i'm going to be gone to and the next, you know, it's four months from now and then we naa date and then four months are now comes and something else has happened. And now both of us have something else going on and we can't take time for a walk. Aren't you sick of this? Like, really sick of this.

And the reason why I wanted to talk to you about this is because business, this is one of those things that speaks up on you. It's like lime disease. You didn't even know the tick by you.

And next thing you know, you can't get out of bed and you're like, what the hell just happened? How is IT that I go through life? Hyper venom in my to do this never ends.

And i'm not really sleeping well because i'm thinking about all the things that I didn't do and you wanted know else. This shows up last night. I got home and I ve been on the road promoting the left on theory book.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for ordering IT, for supporting IT.

And so I get home. I've been on a business strip for a week. The dogs are jump in up and down. We're all excited. I haven't seen Chris in a while.

We sit down and instead of sitting and talking, what do we do? Well, he turns on the TV and I opened up my phone, and then I put my phone on my, hi, so, you know, how is your week, what you do today? And we start talking.

And then he started watching T. V. And what did I do? A crack up in my laptop.

And Chris rate is over and cause boot and shut IT. And guess I thought we were just going to hang out. And what I noticed in that moment is something that I know you strugling with.

You can do nothing. The ability to just said N, B is really hard. I need help with this. I need to understand why the internal engine inside me gets read up so quickly.

And you need help with this too because if you can't stand in a line at a store without staring at your phone and occupy in the time, or if you're like me or you're just constantly run in from one thing to the next thing to the next thing you do, you know what you're doing. And when I moved to southern vermont, I had this realization. We don't have any big box stores where I live.

And I had basically nowhere to go, except for this general store that was built in the eighteen hundreds. That is absolutely amazing, but it's not exactly target. And I realized when I moved to a place we are all of the things that I kept myself busy doing.

We're not here. How addicted I was to literally being busy doing nothing I would do be born. And how I there over to the grocery.

I have food in my painter. Why am I going to the grocery? R, I would dart on over to the mall.

I've got close. Why am I going to the ball? I would start on over to a coffee shop. I can make coffee home.

Why am I going to a coffee shop? Because IT is a very serious issue, and it's a addiction to being busy. The first step is truly an understanding what's happening inside of you.

And just like that little tick that bites you and IT turns in the limb, how this has gone undetected and fun out of control. You know, one of my favorite commencement addresses is by the late best selling author, David fost wallace, and two thousand and five a canyon college. He gave this this address that was later turned into the book, this is water.

And he tells this story about two little fish and down the, you know, wear of the swimmer in the water. And this older fish swims bian and says, hey, boys, he's the water and a little fish. Look at the older fish and go, water.

What's water? And the point of the story is this, it's hard to see the thing that you're swimming because I talk around you just like it's hard to know when that tick bit you that lime is farming. And I believe that happiness is the water world swimming right now.

And none of us know IT. And that's why we never see each other. It's why we cancel plans.

It's why we stay and work late and work over the weekends instead of seeing our friends. It's why we don't make time for what's important. We don't even understand what's actually happening.

And today, you and I are gonna master class in what is happening and recognizing the water that we're swimming in so that we can truly decide how we want to feel and how we want to move through our days. And so I called my friend doctor's scotland's, and i'm going to tell you about him in a minute. But I reached out to him because I recently saw something that he all about, this epidemic of an addiction to stress and business.

And so first thing I did is I went, you know, to google, and I looked up the definition of addiction. And an addiction is any pattern of behavior that you engaging that is harming your life. That's what an addiction is.

This pattern of behavior that you engage in repeatedly even though at terming your life. And when I thought about at that way, I was like, I guess this is a petrol behavior because I am always busy and IT has a negative impact of my life. And i'm sure you are now thinking about IT to and thinking way to minute.

Being busy all the time isn't helping me. Being stressed all the time isn't helping me. I've never thought about IT in this context.

And so I reached out to my body, doctor, scot lions, and his resume is crazy long. So i'm just kind, kind of cut to the sharks. I know you're too busy to hear long resume that's but it's also true.

He's a medical doctor. He is A P. H. D. And psychiatry developed the sematech stress release process that is now taught in twenty countries.

And IT restores your biology to a state of calm and peace. It's really unbelievable. Is the best selling author.

And so I reached out to him, and he was actually out of corpora with all of these incredible experts and P. H. D. In holistic medicine. And I caught him in between sessions he was leading out there on the topic we're talking about. And so what you're about to hear is a conversation that doctor lies and I had, I want you to hang with me and this and all the way to the end.

Because as doctor lines and I go deeper and deeper and deeper and give you more and more examples, you're going to be like, holy cow, no idea how deeps this went and what this was actually about, which is why I can't wait free to hear this, because I love looking at topics in a whole new way. Because when you truly understand something differently and more deeply, IT gives you the power to change how you show up. And that's what i'm super excited about.

So as you're listening to doctor lines, you may hear a little background noise, because the lines is literally at a conference teaching people that are paid to be there. But he jumped out and made the time for you and me. And so here's what I want to do.

I am going to play the very best things that he said. And he said a lot of amazing things so that you can learn from doctor lions. And then in between each of the things that he's teaching you, i'm going to unpacked a little bit to make sure you really get IT and you know how to apply at your life. So the very first thing that I asked him was, how do you know that gLance, that you are struggling with an addiction to stress? This is what he had to say.

So I think some of them are common ways. We recognize that people are addicted to stress, addicted a drama, addicted a business, is they are constantly doing, they are in constant motion. They are in constant state of anxious, even though they may not realize that other people can see.

And so you'll notice in the language that are making mounds of a more hills are venting their gossip y're over scheduling. It's always about they are doing is taking up space where they are not being in the space within themselves. It's an avoiding technique and IT is a form of control.

So whether it's an avoidance of their emotions, whether it's an avoiding of intimacy and relationships, whether it's avoided of having to deal with things in their life power, you using that neither version of business ness to keep avoiding, to be out of touch with the things that need to be held, scene supported and felt within yourself, what are you avoiding in yourself still, especially with people who are really attached to being in stress? And I know that sounds so well, because who would want to be attached to? Would want to be connected all the time to a sense stress. But when we go into the science of that deal, realized, we all actually do that.

I don't know about you, but I really relate to the always in the doing. I feel like I am a doing machine. But if you hear the word that he said of weddings, that there is a huge connection between being stressed at all the time and avoiding something massive, undeniable link between having to go here and there and there and there, be busy and take IT all on and avoiding something.

And now I knew that I was gona talk to Scott. And so I looked into some of the research around what is IT about productivity and doing, and feeling like you got a lot to do when IT comes to the research. And I found this really interesting thing that stanford professor Albert bandara, in one thousand nine and seventy seven, suggested that completing tasks fulfills your intrinsic human need to feel component.

It's why, when you check the boxes on your to do list, you feel rewarded. That makes a lot of sense, right? And so naturally, my next question to doctor lions as well, isn't being productive a good thing? Aren't we supposed to get things done? And I realized this kind of one of those baLances of when is enough, enough. But if you also think about IT being super busy and being productive makes you successful, doesn't IT doctor lions has a different take on this because based on the research, there is a secret about busy people and how much they're actually getting done.

Even if they're busy, they are most likely not getting things done, at least not in the expense of their life. Maybe it's one a particularly focused thing like, oh, i'm really good at feeling my schedule. I am really good at this one aspect of work and they really hyper focus on a made and yet all the rest of their life, their their house, their apartment, their bedroom is a mass. Nothing else is getting done except the thing that they're choosing or they've chosen hyper focus on to avoid themselves or the feelings underneath or the relationships or the does the fear and vulnerability of intimacy. I don't .

know if you're sitting there and going the doctor lies come into my house because it's true from the outside. That probably looks like male robbins is a duck that is just on the surface of the water, and he is smoothly going through the water. Got IT all together.

In fact, as I see you are thinking about my day right now, I don't even know, but I had come in a cooked for dinner and now my heart starting to race like i'm sitting. You're doing a podcast episode. I've been gone grocery shopping in two days.

I don't know what i'm going to do for dinner now i'm certain to get freak out about that to do list. And so I think it's a very interesting thing to consider what is all the business about, why are we so busy? I'll be the first to admit that I definitely in addicted to this kind of a drennen and this feeling like I gotto be up to something.

And the other thing that I thought was interesting is the research that he's done that shows that the people that are so busy and are so busy that are actually getting things done. And so I wanted to dive a little deeper and ask him if this is truly an addiction. None of us want to be stressed.

None of us want to be this busy. I mean, the point of life is to enjoy and live IT. It's not to run through your to do this until you collapse in the bed. What's actually going on underneath the surface. And this is what dark lions had .

to say when you like go to the underneath surface, like what's underneath the pattern, what's underneath the survival strategy. May think about this, quote, this problem, that says a child who is not embraced by the village will burn IT down .

to feel its worth. That hit, that hit, if you have any outs of anger. That hit for you because here's what I kind of go out of that. That there's also this like self righteous feeling around the business, which creates this anger when it's not appreciated or reciprocated or recognized doctoral ized. Will you say that again?

A child who is not embraced by the village burn IT down to feel its warmth, meaning, what will we do to get the thing that's so deeply missing in us? And that's the most surprising thing about addiction to drama. You can get so distracted and see like, okay, that person always busy, they're always making chAllenges that aren't unnecessarily.

Their emotional responses are told disproportionate to what's actually happening to the environment. We all recognize that. And we can go OK dacha who they are.

They're drama, clean. They're dict to the stress. They're dict to the chaos. They're just constantly of chaos and crisis. But the reality is, underneath the surface of that is a deep wound that is desperately trying to be filled, that is desperately trying to be avoided.

And that's the attention here that is such a unique tension of going, I want you, I want connection, I want to be less alone. I want to be healed. And at the same time, that connection, that intimacy and a techniques for the tools of healing fears so dangerous. And so they're just running from themselves consistently and is a way to survive and burning down the village to try to get any sense of sensation and experience on live ess because the namus IT takes to avoid that underlying pain is so significant that you have to do something extreme to feel alive about that.

Well, that's a pretty dark way to describe easiness. I mean, but I did feel like he was talking to me because if you're truly somebody who feels on edge all the time, you don't ask for help like you're either like I got IT, I got IT, I got IT like how many times you set yourself as a easier if I do IT or if you're like my husband, Chris, who is definitely more introverted and is the minor, is more calm, he just assumes that he should do IT himself.

He's not used to getting the help, and so he never asked for IT and doctor lines keeps going deeper and deeper into this because on the surface, its business, on the surface its performance, on the surface, it's perfectionism. On the surface, it's the sense that you just can't score up, you can drop a ball, that something bad is gonna happen if you don't take care of IT, that everybody is is on your shoulders, that you know, you got ta take care of, everyone else is up to you. And I think most of us feel that.

But doctor lions is talking about the fact that this business is and this inability to just be still and just be quiet or just too good enough or a little ball drop, it's actually a sign of something way deeper. Now I need to take a quick pause so we can hear word for response ors. But doctoral lines was just getten warmed up, like we're just scratching the surface on this thing.

We've got a lot of tools coming. We still have to unpack what's going on. Don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us.

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Welcome back is your friend, male Robins, fellow, addicted to business friend of years. I hope you share this with everybody in your life. Was overwhelmed and exhausted, and council's plans and works weekend and takes on extra shifts.

I'm thinking about all my nurses out there, thinking about my teachers. I'm thinking about first responders. I'm thinking about all the single moms out there who are taking IT all on. And single dads, you know who you are, and you have another way to look at this, thanks to doctor lions. And so what I wanted to understand for doctor lions next is what makes IT an addiction, right? Because I had always read that addiction has to do with neural pathways and IT has to do with the dopamine cycle and IT has to do with, uh, the way that your nervous system and all that stuff is firing and wiring together. And so I was like, what does that have to do with stress?

There's a lot of really interesting research that we can come back and IT all comes back to why any addiction in gabon. Mute is this brilliant physician and addiction specialists, and he says, don't ask why the addiction, ask why the pain. And that is the leading for understanding what's happening in the brain.

You know, we registered emotional, physical pain in the exact same way. It's not to cern. A heartbreak is significant pain. A abandonment moon is registered in the same way that when we break in ARM, it's important to understand that because our basic human nature is to get relief from suffering.

Okay, when he said that I mi OK, I got IT because I certainly have been the kind of person that after her day work op gen tonic mana, but almost like i'm pulling a lever in my brain to signal I can relax now, right? If you pick up a cigarette or a joint or A A pen, or you put in that in that everybody's, john, why do you do that? Because you're seeking relief from something.

If you're seeking relief from something, that means you're trying to suit your pain and that means that there's something going on deeper inside of you and you're using something outside of you to try to cover up this thing. That's the basis of addiction. And as weird as that sounds, i've never thought about stress as some sort of pain release.

I mean, stress causes me a lot of pain. IT causes the people in my life a lot of pain. When i'm stressed out, it's exhAusting. IT wears me out. And so I don't really understand, at least not at this point, how is this an addiction in the sense of how we think about all addictions? This is what he had to say.

And we have this whole physiological process called the endorphins. And orphans are those things that are releasing into your body to help you feel more pleasure, to feel pain relief, hand emotional warm, actually, that makes us feel more connected to each other. And those chemicals in our brain, in our body, are so significant for helping us relieve some of that underlined suffering.

And if we've had childhood wounds or trauma, like most of us, yeah, we're running on a continuous process of unprocessed trauma that IT constantly illicit a sense of paintings in our brain. We're going, we are in constant pain that has been registered. And so understanding that we are in constant search for the things that could relieve us from that pay.

Now when he started to explain IT that way, I immediately thought of a moment my life where I was absolutely miserable. I'm going to take you back like thirty some years when I was in my third year of losses. I hated my life.

I hated myself. I did not know what I wanted to do. I just knew I did not want to be a lawyer.

I had no idea how I was going to pay off the debt. I had no idea what kind of job I was going to get. I was in a really toxic situation in two relationships.

The guys did know about each other. I'm not proud to tell you this. I'm just telling you that this was the state of my life peak.

This function. Kay, i've never been to a law school reunion now. You know why I do not like the person that I was back then?

I did not know. I had unresolved trauma. I did not know and was not being treated for anxiety.

I did not know that I was really, really struggling internally. And so I just took IT out on everybody and myself and everything around me. Let me tell you what my day was like.

The alarm would go off, my eyes would open. And the first thought was self hatred. And I hate my life, and I can believe him still waking up in what feels like a nightmare.

I'd then reach her cigarette and light that cigarette up. I'd roll out of bed, i'd pour a cup of coffee, i'd race around, i'd be running late, i'd have in the car. I'd drive the dunk and donate even though I was late, right? This is addiction to busy.

You think that you can like, literally bend time. I get to class. I run in late.

I sit in the back. I smell like cigarettes. And ten minutes late, i'm like pig pen. And this its snoopy with with the stuff flying around. And i've got a big, big gulp of black coffee with me, which is great for the anxiety when they threw that on an empty stomach, little that I know at the time.

And I would literally go from one thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing to the next thing. I would be as a library, and I could barely focus and study. And so now it's starting to make sense to me.

I was per busy, busy do, and nothing but destroying my life and cause in pain of myself and spend in my wheels. And then guess what, I would drink a bottle of wine and go to bed, and I would wake up and do the whole time thing again. I was absolutely stuck, and I knew I was miserable.

But here's the thing about being unhappy or just having the sense that things aren't right or they're not aligned or not really liking where you are or not knowing what the next trade step is. As long as you keep busy off to think about IT, as long as you are running from one thing to the next, you don't have to have the hard conversation. As long as you are darting from this, darting from that, you got to do list.

You don't have to deal with the things that bother you. And I think that's part of the reason why everybody's always on their phones because if you have a random moment right now, you actually have to be with yourself. And that's what doctoral lines is talking about.

He's talking about this inability to sit with ourselves, to be connected to ourselves because the truth is, when you're doing something you think you're doing good, when you're doing something you think it's the doing that brings you value. When you're doing something and performing and haven't forbid you do IT well, then you get the praise, then you get the love. But if you have to sit quietly with yourself, I mean, if you ever heard these reports of people that go to the silent meditation retreats and have a psychotic break, that's because they have to sit with themselves.

And we're all running for ourselves at some level. We all running from our thoughts on some level. And yes, you have to take care of the kids and the dog and you don't want to get fired from work, but there is a waited downshift and unplug from this internal thing that keeps you from just connecting with yourself and perhaps facing what you run in from.

And that's what doctor lions says is the core reason why there's an epidemic of an addiction to business and stress because nobody wants to do the internal work, nobody wants to look internally and what's not work. And i'd rather just be out here and post the nice photos and post the filter and make you all think like, I gotta go on on. As long as i'm busy, you can't catch.

As long as you're run in, you cannot run this stuff. The fact is you can't. And that's what doctor lions are saying this conversations about.

It's about the power of doing the real work and facing what this is truly about. And you know, I am having these epiphanies that I share with him and i'm sharing with you. It's like, well, that's not even the half of the mail. It's not just that this is something that's wired in your brain and you start to crave the distraction right from stillness. There's a whole another mechanism around business ss and this kind of chronic state of stress and having to do something all the time, whether it's looking your phone or running the air and or logged on to work again or jumping on this or doing that or saying, yes, they're over scheduled and that stop me.

check this out. One of the other components of addiction is dop. IT gets a neurotransmitter associated with reward and motivation and pleasure.

Again, notice how we're talking about those two neurotransmitters are about pleasure seeking or moving away from pain. And that's so essential. And even business business.

Yeah, i'm doing more and more and more and more. I'm doing all these social events. I'm doing all these work activities I am doing, and the doing keeps me away from the feeling. And so I get another document hit because the feeling that I would be feeling if I could is the likely the things i've been avoiding for a long time. And that's painful.

I really wanted to ask yourself, what are you avoiding, like I mention, if I could press pause on your life and you had just sit with yourself for a week, what would come up? What would you what would you want to work on? What are the conversations that you need to have? And as he was kind of a go and deeper and deeper, I got to be honest with you.

I really started to look at my own life. I was talking to her friend of my the other day, and he was asking me how things we're going at work. And I like things have been crazy busy because I have this new book, the left and theory coming out where in the middle the promotion and plus the podcast um has just been really incredible. And we've hired a bunch new people. And so there's not going on and just look in state mall, you've always got something going on.

You're always on the move. And I stopped .

to thinking I was like, you're right. And I have a lot of like a energy about IT, but when I think about my husband, he's always got something going on. Always he just seems to be a bit common about IT, but there's always something that he is doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.

It's like every single second of our lives has become scheduled and then the second that the day is over, we both fall asleep on the couch. I bet you can relate to that. And here's the thing is not just a coincidence that you feel busy eer than ever because this has been building for a long time.

And what doctor lions is teaching us that this is actually probably your defauts state at this point because of the fact that you're used to IT, the fact that you get the stop of mean hit every time you check box and you move to this and you the other thing, and you're exhAusting yourself. And he had something else to add to this, which I feel like almost every expert you feel this way, it's your childhood. Like IT really.

Is there a different answer? Ever hate your childhood? This is a something going on, even run away from this stuff and your childhood. Well, i'm not the expert in this pedal lenses, and that's exactly where he went next.

So if you think about maybe some your earliest environments, the ways in which you became familiar with your family, people round you with the environment, and we call that the baseline experience. yeah. So if I grew up in a chaotic castle like I did, where there was a lot of social views and alcohol and drugs, that was my baseline way of knowing how the world works.

And there's a way in which i'm going to find that i'm going to seek IT out consistently. You can think of for I talked about as repetition compulsion. We keep going towards the familiar and hopes that we can eventually find something else.

That's why we keep entering into these same relationships over and over again, hoping the next one will be a Better person. But reality is, until we've addressed the why we're seeking those people unintentionally were going to keep repeating the same pattern. So chaos is a familiar hell, and we will always chase the familiar hell, because anything else feels like an attack to our nervous system.

I just want to highlight that line. We keep going toward the familiar, hoping to find something else i'm very familiar with, running from one thing to another. And you wanna know something sickly?

I have just laugh at myself here because what else you're going to do is that I have said probably for the last three years of work, it's onna get Better about two months. I promise you things you're going to slow down really. So we are working really hard here to get into rythm to have systems.

Things are going to predictable. You want to know what's happened, things you've got ten more chaotic, for crying out loud. And I think I impartially to blame if i'm constantly moving toward more, more, more, more, more. And I expect you to become less, less, less, less, less than i'm part of the problem. And one of the reasons why I wanted to have this conversation with you is because I think often times you don't think you have a choice.

You think, if only I can, can just get through this workout, once I just get this this paper done, once I just get through this month, or I pay off this bill, or we have this issue resolved, then then I will be able to slow down. Then I can bring a state of common. Here's what i'm going to tell you and why I wanted you to listen a doctor wise today.

It's because the things around you and outside of you and the chaos at work or the stuff that you're dealing with with your aging parents are the break up that you're going through that is all happening outside IT is possible, according to doctor lions, for you and I to be in very stressful and demanding situations and actually flip the switch and not and to IT that you can have stress happening outside of you and not trigger the addiction to stress inside of you. That you can have a lot that you are responsible for because I know you are responsible for a lot and doing a lot without tipping IT into an addiction of always being on and always saying yes and always raving the engine at a super high level that there's another way to go through this. And part of the issue with why is very hard to recognize this.

Let's go back to David Foster. Alice, what's water? I'm a swimmer and water I don't even know. I'm swimming. I thought I was just like moving my fans and move in, react that that this this thing is water, recognizing that this is how your wired right now it's in and it's out its business and stress, it's always doing, doing, doing, doing.

And what's funny is every generation sees IT in the Younger generation, because I bet you see IT in your kids. Or they are always on the front. They'll always online.

They always have to be taxing. They always have to be with the T. V.

They always have to be this. My mom, like she's always working. She's always traveling SHE never time SHE can't call.

She's busy. And i'm sure that my grandmother said in my mom, oh, she's always at a retail store. She's always run in the service g she's always playing in ten.

She's always with she's always doing. She's doing that. This is not unique to the anger generation. What's water? See your swimmin IT.

So you don't see IT if you can't make a date with your friends until sometime three months or now. This is a problem. If you collapse at the end of the night and beat yourself up for the things you didn't do, this a problem.

If you are constantly feel unlike, you got ta get IT right, you got to get IT right, or some terribles gna happen, you are to get fired. This going, this is a problem for you. If you need to drink at the end of the night to turn your brain off, this is problem for you.

If you can't stand in a line and not have to share your phone, this is a problem free. If you can't turn off the news at night, you just sucked in that to have much. This is problem for you and doctor lies to think there's a Better way to live and move through life.

Recognizing that this is something that you do automatically is the first step. And he also had something a little bit more profound about why it's important to recognize that this is actually something that you're dealing with. This is what I had to say.

I think it's really important to recognize that we contribute to our own suffering. And that's such a hard thing to hear because when the world feels like it's against us and we're in that pace of victim hood, which so many of us do, that is one of the essential qualities of the addiction stress that the world is coming at us, that is coming for us, but it's not with us. That sense had been alone. And that is that child who is burning down the village to fill the warms, to feel that comfort, to feel supported to, to fill the gap of this underline needs, childhood needs that were miss.

Now, every time I brought up child, and i'm like, okay, let's eco there. Like, i'm annoyed. Now I does this have to do with my child what I don't understand, why everything has to go back to the childhood when you first said the child who does not feel the warmth of the village burns IT down on h get IT got IT that that turned my back, I knew, and burn IT down because now i'm angry because I did all this stuff for you and i'm not getting back what I expected from you.

That is that duty and obligation and the way to goes through life do not want that. But I can relate to that, okay? But I learned like, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't. I don't want this to go back to childhood, because how does my stresses an adult have to do a childhood? How does what i'm avoiding right now, in my inability to connect myself, have to do a childhood? Because I am, get my, I want a different answered doctor lines. He double down. Here's what he said.

I would go back to the question. How, if at all, did we feel loved as children? How did we understand our value in our world? Was IT freely given to us.

Did we have to do something in order to get something? And often times, even when a parent is unavailable or they're busy on their phone as a child, we turn IT around at ourselves, but they're not available because i'm too much and I have to prove that I have value to them. And so i'm going to stay busy.

I'm going to be a perfection's. I'm going to go to that grad school program. I'm going to keep earning everyone's lows and keep dismissing myself and keep a abandoning myself in the meantime to try to get them to come to me.

Meanwhile, I have continued to leave myself, and that is a significant issue. So of course, this idea of worthiness, of busy ness, if i'm busy, that IT means I have value. If i'm doing something, I have value. And if I have value, then i'm worth something to someone else, maybe eventually, even to myself.

right? I thought a lot I want to say about that, but I want to to take a quick pause. I just let all that sinking. And while you hear work from our sponsors, please share this with somebody who you know needs to hear.

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Welcome back to your friend mell Robin. And just before the break, I played you a clip from this conversation with the amazing doctor, Scott lions. And here's what i'm going to do. I am going going to play that clip again. And then you and I are gonna act this.

I would go back to the question, how, if at all, did we feel loved as children? How did we understand our value in our world? Was IT freely given to us? Did we have to do something in order to get something? And often times, even when a parent is unavailable or they're busy on their phone as a child, we turn IT around at ourselves.

They're not available because i'm too much and I have to prove that I have value to them. And so i'm going to stay busy. I'm going to be a perfect i'm going to go to another grad school program.

I'm going to keep earning everyone's love and keep dismissing myself and keep a abandoning myself in the meantime to try to get them to come to me. Meanwhile, I have continued to leave myself and that is a significant issue. So of course, this idea of worthiness of business can find busy and IT means I have value. If i'm doing something, I have value. And if I have value, then i'm worth something to someone else.

All right, you got me. If you look back at your childhood and you think about the times that you felt the most celebrating IT was because of something. You did your team on the championship.

You did great at the debate. You brought home a great report card. You did well in the dance recital.

I just think this is how IT happens for all of us. I think about being a parent. I certainly poured on the praise when my kids did the right thing or they did something really cool.

I probably wasn't so great when they were annoying or when they were not doing what I wanted them to do. This is why they have therapy. I am not kidding. I'm not kidding at all. And so this brings us full circle to the to do this and the satisfaction that you feel when you think you're performing and when you think you are getting everything done and how easy you can become to go from getting a couple things done to feeling like you need to get a million things done.

And IT is true that if you got a lot of positive attention when you are acting correctly or when you were doing great things that people could brag about, which is basically how every single person was raised, that of course, you would feel great when you're getting things done. Of course, yourself worth gets tied to whether or not you're doing something. And IT also explains why when you're not doing something you feel like a loser.

When you lose your job, you think that means that you have lost your worth, that when you don't get into the top, top, top, top school, that somehow that means you're the bottom, bottom, bottom of the human race. This makes perfect sense because all love us, including you, including your parents, including your grandparents, including your kids, felt the most loved and adored when they were doing something that, quote, earned IT. And this is the major mistake and human iring.

I think that you interpret the doing with worthiness. And if you want to feel worthy, then you just start doing more stuff. And it's also why when you feel stuck in life, you don't even know where to start, because you want to make sure you do the right thing, because already feel bad.

Brow doctor lines just kind of hit me over the head with that IT makes a lot of sense. And so slowing down means overriding all that programing slowing down. It's like an act of defiance.

What do you define your own life experience and training? Because if you really think about your childhood, when did you feel the most loved in the door? It's when you are performing. It's when you did things that major parents happy or made people celebrate. We all have that same experience.

Every single one of us has been trained to believe that we're worthy when we're doing something every single one of us received the love and attention when we got a grades or when the team one and when you get the right answer in class was like, yeah, you know, like I feel good on worthy if everybody likes me or when you win at something in school you good great fears like, yeah, I H my god s this feels good and everybody wins in this amazing or you bring home a little drawing and you like, oh, mom and is great like all it's nice and they put IT and like, oh, it's not good enough. I'm not worthy and so you get trained to seek positive attention. And what are we reward to no one to were all addicted to this? This is just basic human experience.

But understanding that that's what the training is helps you understand that that's why the default has become to always be doing or to think that you have to perform in order to be worthy of love. And that's not how life has to be. And that's why it's an active defiance because you're defying your own life experience for the sake of something that's gonna be Better.

It's basically you saying to yourself, i'm worthy as I am. I'm unemployed and i'm still a good person. I did not get into that school and I am lovable and i'm amazing and most of us don't know how to do that.

And so he was about this point. The conversation was like, dark reliance. You've buried the lead man, okay, you got me.

If you come out of the gateway and the stuff about childhood, like, and delete. We're not doing this episode, but this is exactly on the money. And so IT begs the question, how on earth do we heal this? Because I don't know about you.

I have time to sit still. I'm not going on a way to a silent meditation retreat. I have a lot of I to do list. But I don't want to be addicted to stress, and I don't want to be addicted to easiness, and I don't want to be a freak on my family, and I don't want to collapse in my bed every night and have this sense that I barely got through the day. I know there is a Better way to move through life, and i'm sure you want that too. But IT begs the question, how on earth do you heal this addiction to being stressed in dishy? And this is what doctor lines had to say.

I'm not just pause with that question. What is the first thing we do in healing this addiction, distressed this attached to business is in the pause. And want to see what happens in the past.

Do you try to fill IT? Do you have all these stocks come out of this impulse? Took so of bold those the opportunity to kind of reflect, and that's where what started actually is in what happens in the pause, what happens and what we might call boredom, what happens when there isn't a stimulus to keep us going, or some type of something that were seeking, attaching to that relieves the pain for us.

What happens when we trust up, turn manifest situations and relationships and environments, and that that take away, that create that enormous pain free response and have to come back to ourselves. So that first step is self awareness. The first step is going.

This is uncountable. I that we know when I was never again, my addiction of drama, which is be onest is an ongoing process. IT is an ongoing process. But I remember sitting in a bathtub and having this impulsive like, oh, I got to go pick up my phone and call someone, or I gotta go read a look, or I ve got to do this, or you gonna do that.

And I and I simply turned around, and I asked myself, what am I running away from what's under the hood of this impulse to distract? And IT was too much to actually deal with by myself. That's what I came to clearly about us like, oh, it's so much stored up that never got scene, that never got felt, that never got experience, that never got held, never got supported.

So that's what I need. I eventually be able to do that for myself, but maybe not right now. So finding someone who can hold you in the discomfort of silence, that discomfort have not been in the activated stressful state or the anxiety or the trauma or the business ness, and just say, i'm here with you, this is scary.

This is scary because the moment we start to settle in our nervous system, there's no a alarm that goes up that says it's not safe. A lot of these skill sets you will learn with someone else, he said, with people all the time, and I don't know how many times we've had to repeat to them. And that was then, and this is now and that was done in this is now and and you know it's not something that they'll understand cognitive.

They have to embody that. They have to experience that in the same way you might know you're safe, but unless you feel you're safe, you're not safe. IT takes time to rebuild hand established safety as something that is safe, calmness settlements as something that, and stress as something very safe. We want to have the full range of human experience for the baseline of safety, but so many of us have never truly experienced. You know.

when doctor lions said this to me because there's a lot of big words, they're right. Often times when you talk about business as or stress and then you take IT to trauma or i'm not safe, IT feels like a giant leap. But I want to give you a little exercise that I think is extraordinary, revealing the next time you are standing in a line at a store.

And i'm not talking about a line where you're like next step, i'm talking like they're three or four people in front of you is just gonna take five to ten minutes. I want you to just not reach proof one. I want you to try to stand in a line.

I kid you not for five to ten minutes, and just be with yourself and be with your thoughts. And something crazy will happen. You ready? You're gonna start to feel the alarm.

The doctor lions talking about, you're going to start to feel agitation. You're gonna start to rock back. And fourth, you're gonna a start to look around.

why? Because your body is used to. Being stressed, busy, you have trained yourself to always be distracted and disconnected from yourself.

And those five to ten minutes in that line before you get up to the cash register to pay for your groceries, is going to within the longest five to ten minutes of your entire life. Because you have no idea, neither did die. How much of a promise is. That we reflexively reach for device that connects us to the world and disconnects us from ourselves.

And we have gotten to the point where none of us can even be with ourselves for five to ten minutes in public, standing in a line that your brain is so used to being connected all the time, to looking at something all the time, to answering the emails, to sending that text, not knowing what to think about. So you ve got to distract yourself, a social media. This is a huge problem.

And i'm asking you to do this because I think when you hear doctor lions say these big scary words, you're like that on my problem. And so I want you to sum in to an experience that reveals the alarm because if you can't stand in that line for the five to ten minutes and not look at your phone, you have work to do. And so the why? Because I can make IT about five minutes, and then IT takes massive restraint.

And I am working on this muscle. This is how big of a promises. And if you have ever complained about kids and how much they are on their phones, this is what i'm talking about in its in youtube, one thousand percent in you two.

And one of the thing that's interesting about this conversation is I guarantee if I ask you who is the first person that needs to listen to this episode, you a friend, that they're always busy, they're always overwhelmed. They're always run in a million miles an hour. They always put everybody else first. They just are this person. And I know you're going to send this episode to them, but I asked doctor reliance, okay, so i'm very clear that I struggle this.

What could Chris do to help me? Or what could I do if I see this in one of my adult kids, or I see this in, like I see this with my daughter, for example, and I see this with another colleague of mine, just work themselves to the bone is not necessary, they can unplug. How can you support someone other than sending them this episode? How can you support someone who is clearly struggling with this addiction to busy ness and stress? And this is what he had to say and buckle up, because it's a punch in the face.

I don't think you're gonna be like my response. Which is if you already looking at how you can help others, what are you avoiding in yourself still? How are you using that? Neither version of business is to keep avoiding to be out of touch with the things that need to be held, seem supported and felt within yourself.

Lord knows, I A psychologist, I went to a lot of school. I've helped a lot of people through the last thirty years. And my goodness, there's no Better way to avoid yourself than to help someone else.

And IT is a form of control. So I wanted to name that. Oh my gosh, my neighbor is addicted a drama.

They're so busy, they're so stressed. It's so hard to be around what comes up in. You come back to you first. Can you stay in yourself? Because until you can, you can address or connect with them, any type of change or transformation takes nationality, and if you are not home in your own process, in your own experience, in your own grounded list, there is no relationship to go and do some type of intervention with someone else.

Don't you just love a psychiatrist that just slapped across the face? I know I do because I don't have time to talk this out over years. I'd rather just get the hard truth right there.

And here's what I got out of that. There's a friend of mine, David, who has made a huge difference in my life and he's just a gifted, gifted coach and thought leader and his very dear friend. And he has the saying, leaders bring the weather.

And I just want to amended for this conversation because I think you bring the weather and what darter lies saying and what my friend David is saying, is that your energy, your stress, your business actually is like the weather. If it's raining, everybody gets wet. If you're addicted, distress and business, everybody around you is gonna get soaked with that.

And what he's basically saying is, before you think you're going to solve everybody else this problem, you're going to get your kids off their phones and you're get your family more present and you're going to do all this stuff for everyone else. You got to get your own house in order. You got to bring out the sun because it's only from a grounded place where you're connected to yourself that you'll actually be able to help someone slow down and reconnect with themselves.

And I know what you're thinking. Wait a minute. That said, you just literally revealed now that I am addicted to stress some business business and i'm like, yes, I am and yes, I need to reconnect with myself.

And yes, I need to stop running. And yes, I need to really separate what i'm doing for my worth and I need to learn how to be with myself. But how do I be with myself? Great question.

The next time standing in mind. Try to not look at your phone for five minutes. IT is a radical and difficult thing to do, and just be with yourself the next time you come home and you walk into the house like a fricken hurray E.

Take a deep breath, don't look at your phone, remind yourself that you're bring in the weather setting yourself. And be with yourself. This is a muscle.

know? I know that sounds kind of unsatisfying. Like, well, how do I end the drinking addition? Don't drink. Easier said than done. I get that. I mean, I am the number one offender of this, but I know there's a Better way to live. And so all day long, I am constantly catching myself.

Don't send that text, come back and connect with yourself, don't look at your phone, just be present with yourself, close the laptop and just sit next to your husband and watch T, V, and be with yourself. Oh, i'm mike telling myself I got to work. No, no.

Now, before you escalate, let's stay, escalate, simply noticing and knowing. What you're swimming is the first step. Just remember the fish what's up always has water.

Now you can say the water is good because now you know that's what are in. And once you know what you're swimming in, now you're more empowered to truly decide how you want to swim. And I know for me, I definitely want to slow down.

I do not want to be addicted to stress, and I have big goals, big dreams, and so do you. And I think i'm going to be more productive and more effective if I can stay connected myself instead of run of myself into the ground. I want to thank doctor Scott lines.

I want to thank you for hanging in this conversation because I was a bit of like a mental tongue twister situation because I didn't want to go that, but kind of want to just feel like, tell me how to stop doing this. But true to form, that's more denial when IT comes to addiction, right? Whatever have my problem, just give me the tools making more productive and then I can take time off.

I my one, we're done or done or done in in case no one else tells you, I wanted to tell you, I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to take this wisdom and just do the simple, important daily work to reconnect to remind you that it's in the being, not the doing, that you're going to find the worth and the love and the freedom that you deserve. Because the experience of life is how IT feels to live IT. And I, for one, am second terror to be in busy.

And I really want to a drop in and truly enjoy IT before it's over. And in order to do that, i've ve got to be here for IT and so do you. Alright, i'll see you in the next episode. I want to be waiting for you there. I'll talk you then.

Hi, when I do that, really, what was that? Oh, good. Okay, I should think OK, okay.

Um okay. Great OK, great, great OK. This was so easy, guys.

Thank you. And so here we go. Oro, that fell of, 我知道 了。 Oh, god. 哈哈哈哈。

Oh, and one more thing I know, this is not a blue per. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers right? And what I need to read you.

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a license therapies, and this pocket is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.

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