The Day I Finally Changed Myself Instead of My Son
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After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So you're a busy mom or dad juggling 15 different demands every evening, trying to get dinner served, their dishes to be done, homework to be gone over and fight over. And so you rush into the living room and you call upstairs expectantly to your strong-willed child, "'Hey, David, your first practice is tonight. Come on, get downstairs.'"

And there's no reply. "Honey, I'm not gonna ask you again. We don't have time for this tonight. You need to get downstairs and eat before we go." Again, no response. And now you're like, "Urgh! Here comes yet another power struggle and it's been this way since this child was in your womb. You try to sleep. He kicks, always wanting to do the opposite of what you have planned, always arguing with you over the color of the sky.

You try to rush these kids. They move more slowly. And you're frustrated because you're trying to do this for him. You don't need to spend the extra money and you sure don't have the extra time to be running your child around to this new dumb class. But you thought it would be a good outlet for him and a way to make some friends. And you're anxious because you paid $100,000

$75 for this and you hate wasting money and now you're going to be late again and you hate being late. It's a trigger for you and now he's doing his little delaying tactic. So here's the moment of decision. What are you going to do differently this time? That is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Welcome to all the new listeners.

from Facebook, from TikTok, from Instagram. So put yourself in this situation because you are going to experience a power struggle this week, probably many a day. Some of you, even while you're listening to this podcast, something is going to come up. So put yourself in that situation. You're calling up to your child.

He or she is resisting. And here's the moment of decision. You know already how your child is going to react. He's going to resist, yell, and call you names. His face is going to turn red as he screams, I'm not going. Practice is stupid. You're stupid. And he's going to sob these crocodile tears and he's going to try to talk his way out of it.

and complain that my stomach is just upset and I don't feel well. And he's going to plead with you. Can we just stay home this week? I promise I'll go next week, mom, please.

And you know that's going to happen because you've heard it and you've seen this a hundred times before. So you know what's about to happen. The real question now is this. What are you going to do differently this time? Because that's the only real variable here.

You are not going to get your child to just change his or her behavior. The only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior, your own tone of voice, your own body posture. Are you going to react or

respond are you going to escalate this situation or diffuse it and you may have to wrestle with guilt wondering if you're just coddling this child or letting them get away with things as your spouse may claim and you can hear that spouse's voice in your parents voice and and judgmental friends telling you just need to clamp down on this kid and he or she will shape up

Because we're so anxious and we're rushed and we take these challenges to our authority so personally, here's our default mode. You may end up doing and saying the following. You know what? You better get your little butt in the car or you're going to lose all your privileges. Do you understand me? I don't have time for this right now.

Do what I say or else. You know what? There's no need to be upset or nervous. It's just a simple 45-minute class. You know what? Your brother never had any trouble doing this class. Why do you always have to be so difficult? How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions? Oh, you just wait until your father gets home.

You are not going to talk to me like that, young man. You know, if you do not get in the car right now, you are going to lose your video games for one month. Do you hear me?

Yeah, but you're not hearing your son or your daughter. You are making this situation all about you, all about your authority and what you want, but you're not listening to your child because you're too focused on changing or controlling his behavior instead of your own. And I know this because I said all of those things to my son when he was young, all of them.

And if we could just control ourselves, this is how we'd see the situation and what you would really hear. And I know what you're saying inside, which is, well, why does he or she, why does my strong-willed child just have to make things so difficult? It's not that hard. Just get downstairs. I'm going to drive you, drop you off. It's going to be fine. I get that. But if it were that easy, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast.

And so here's what I really want you to hear your child saying because look, they're not mature enough to say this, but if they were, this is what your child would say to you. Mother, father, I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience.

I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age. I get along better with little kids, younger kids, animals, and older people. So I'm afraid the other kids are going to pick on me. And I struggle with auditory processing. And multiple step directions are hard for me. So I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at this new class. And if I do, will you and dad be mad at me? Will the other kids make fun of me?

And at this moment in my life, I'm too vulnerable emotionally to risk more failure and rejection. See, look, side note, many of your kids, that's what they've known. They came out of the womb like our son with boxing gloves on. They've been in trouble all the time. They're on red on the behavior chart at school. They have a brother or sister who does everything so well and school's easy for them. And this child has internalized that they're the bad kid and something's wrong with them. So in this moment,

This new activity represents, see for you and I now, we're like, oh, new opportunity. This is a chance for me to prove that I can do this and succeed. And it's adventure. But for some of your kids, I'm too vulnerable emotionally to risk more failure and rejection.

So instead, mom or dad, I'm going to call you names. I'm going to challenge your authority. And I'm going to be so disrespectful right to your face that you think your only option is to yell, send me to my room, and make me lose everything that I enjoy in life. See?

I can take that. I'm used to that. See, but don't make me go to one more place where I could fail and be rejected. And I wish I knew how to tell you that. But see, my fear, my anxiety overwhelms me just like your anxiety about me is overwhelming you right now.

So mom and dad, I react out of fear. And what I need right now, what I really need right now is for the adult in the home to come and show me a different way out of this to help me understand why I do these things and make life so difficult so that I don't feel like an idiot, like the bad kid. But you never do that. Instead, you just react like I do.

See, here's what you and I miss. You're not looking at a defiant child right now. You're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with his peers, who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's out of his control. You're looking at a kid who's probably rarely been praised by people. He's always been in trouble. The bad kid who doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his brother or sister.

And now we just berated him and demeaned him. We just further reinforced that he's a difficult child who brings trouble on himself.

And look, you're a good parent, right? You're listening to a parenting podcast. You're a good parent. So I know you don't want to continue reacting and escalating. So let's rewind this situation and focus on controlling ourselves instead and see how that turns out. Here's what I would do instead.

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So you know you're going to get pushback because you always do. So you call upstairs, hey David, your first practice this night, get downstairs. Again, you hear nothing. Look, it's okay to be frustrated, irritated, and upset about this. It is. Being calm doesn't mean you become like Gandhi, right? Like nothing bothers me. Now that's what alcohol does and we don't want that.

It's normal to be bothered. You're a busy parent. You have other kids to feed and take places and do homework with, and this one child consumes so much of your energy. And I don't want you feeling guilty about this because this child needs more energy. Because a lot of you do. You're like, oh, this child takes all of our energy and now I don't have as much time for the other kids.

That is very, very normal. It happens in almost every single family throughout the history of families. It's how it works. And if you looked at the arc of a child's life, this is what I want to reassure you with. The strong-willed child is going to struggle as a kid. They're not always great at being kids. They're really good at being adults.

And so the good news is they're going to get a lot of their difficulties out of the way when they're kids and they encounter a lot of resistance and a lot of difficulties and they develop resilience and a lot of good coping mechanisms. And so...

It can actually be a really good thing for them in the long run if we teach them how to handle that. When they get to be adults, they're going to crush it. And then your other more compliant kids, well, they're going to fall apart in their mid-20s when they finally encounter some rejection in life from a boss or someone else. So don't worry about that. By the way, you can't even out the time that you spend. If you think about it as well,

What it allows you to do is this child takes a lot more energy, but the other kids have a lot more independence. I will tell you as the third born in our family, man, I'm glad that my older brothers took the brunt of my dad's anger and they had more time spent with them because I got away with a lot of other stuff. So I don't want you feeling guilty about that because a lot of moms email about those things.

This strong willed child will become very independent later on. So you can feel frustrated and annoyed. You should. Just don't act on that or out of that frustration.

So instead you exhale, you reset yourself, you put on your game face and you approach this situation in a new way. So you start walking upstairs, but then you see a few Lego blocks littering the floor.

Obviously not picked up like you had asked and you kind of cringe because there's that part of you that needs things to be orderly and to have instructions followed explicitly because that's how you were raised and so you kind of wince inside and

And you know, look, this process of raising children is every bit as much about you and I growing up and dealing with all of those childhood experiences and beliefs you internalized, right? So all those doubts come flooding in, all those different voices like, what would my parents say? I wasn't raised like this. If I would have left Legos on the floor, I would have gotten X and Y done to me.

All those things are very normal. You're coming face to face with your own immaturity at times, dealing with your own triggers. These strong will kids are going to cause you to grow up. And I remember being in this place and it was like, I had to deal with all of...

All of these childhood issues. My dad was career military. My way or the highway approach, scream and yell. He was actually pretty abusive. So when Casey came along and started pushing my buttons and being so difficult, it forced me to grow up.

and to deal with these issues and learn a different way. And so you're going to question yourself. Am I doing the right thing or am I giving in? I mean, our parents were authoritarian and they would have never put up with this and we turned out okay. You know, if I just did it that way, maybe I wouldn't have to go through this with this child.

But then you remember that you have tried it that way with this child and it hasn't worked. And you're going to second guess yourself and perhaps have a spouse who works against you while you wrestle with this and while they wrestle with these issues. Or some of your spouse have a spouse who may refuse to wrestle with this. And so it's hard. So you process that confusion, that disappointment. But then again,

You trust your instincts here and you say this: "Look, instead of marching up, instead of marching upstairs like I used to, you grab a few Lego blocks and you walk upstairs and you knock on David's door, you walk in and then you sit on the floor. Yeah, right on the floor.

And you start playing with those pieces of Legos. You put the pieces together. Because see, now you're kind of building instead of destroying. And I know the conflicting feelings this brings as you're sitting on a freaking floor building with Lego blocks left in the middle of the living room floor.

Because this is what I did once when I first began changing my responses to Casey. And I remember feeling humiliated in a way. I had humbled myself doing this, but I kind of felt humiliated. And I was doubting myself. Like, why is the authority figure sitting on the floor below this kid instead of being the father telling his son what to do? So I understand why you would resist this, but you try it anyway.

And your child looks at you like you're crazy because your child has been waiting for you to stand with your hands on your hips, delivering lecture number 39B, looking disapprovingly, shaking your head, and threatening consequences. And instead, you're sitting on the floor looking down at the Legos. And you say this,

You know, David, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class too. It'd be pretty scary doing new things.

and now you've done what you wish your spouse would do just once. Acknowledge that what you were feeling is natural and normal and legitimate instead of dismissing you or saying that you're overreacting, and your child looks down at you puzzled. See, you've just gotten to the root of the issue. You have just addressed his fears and what he's been thinking inside, but he didn't really know what it was.

And I don't want you to miss this. Most of the time, all we do is address the outward behavior and try to change it instead of teaching our kids what is really going on inside and identifying why they are struggling. See, they don't even know. All they know is confusion.

Why do I have to be like this? Why am I the only one crying and flailing to go to a stupid class that everyone else enjoys? Is there something wrong with me? And now you have pinpointed the root of it, the anxiety, and you've normalized it. You've just assumed the best about your child, that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot who just makes your life difficult. Because that's what I thought about my son.

And your child just needs some new ways to handle this. And so you're sitting there, you're leading your child, and your child slowly climbs down from his bed and sits on the floor and begins fumbling awkwardly with some Lego blocks, and there's no eye contact. And that's really important because nobody wants to be watched while they're struggling emotionally. And sometimes eye contact is sometimes too intense for your sensitive, kind of defensive kids to...

And then you add this, you know how I know that, David? Because in truth, I'm the same way. I get anxious when I'm meeting new people at book club or giving a presentation at work. It makes my stomach a little bit upset. Is that what it feels like?

And then you hear this, uh-huh. You get this little muted response along with a nodding head. And you trade pieces of Lego blocks and begin building something together without saying a word. But now watch. You're together, sitting, connecting, building.

And then you add this. Well, you know what helps me? I'm just like you. I like helping other people. So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, I always ask the host if I can fix some dish or do a job. At work, I get to my meeting early and set up. It helps me focus on something I can control. So I've got an idea.

You know, why don't we leave right now, and if we get to that new class a few minutes early, I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers tell me all the time that you're the best helper in the class. And 93.7% of the time, your child will get up and follow you to the car because you led him to a place of safety with your own humility. You didn't demand, you didn't yell, you didn't shame, you led your child.

You just changed that entire situation. You just changed your child's response and you didn't make him do one thing. You simply controlled yourself. And I remember when I did this with Casey the first time and the light bulb went off.

I'm actually connecting with my son at the point of his greatest fear, anxiety, and embarrassment. Look, your kids are embarrassed by their actions. That's why they lie and they cover things up.

And I realized I am helping my son instead of shaming him. I'm stepping outside of myself and my own anxiety and my own anger and all of my preconceived ideas of what a parent is supposed to do and what my dad always did with me. I'm stepping outside of that in order to help another human being. And it felt good.

And I'm actually teaching him a life skill. He will be able to use the rest of his life. And that resonated so strongly with me, especially as a dad, right? Because my whole thing was like, I need to teach my son, give him my wisdom. And it all began to click.

because that's what I really wanted inside for so many years, to impart into my son hard-fought life wisdom that would help him navigate the world better and more easily. And now I just taught him a new tool, a life skill he would go on and use hundreds of times throughout his life because

I struggle with anxiety. Our son struggles with anxiety. Many of your kids do. And now instead of just yelling at him and taking things away, I've taken the time to say, hey,

Hundreds of times throughout your life, you are going to experience this anxiety and it's going to make you want to shut down, not go, shrink back. But now I've normalized it and I've given you some tools. So whenever he felt that in ease in his stomach, when he wanted to shrink back and not participate in some activity, he now knows how to handle that.

because he knew his dad struggles with the same thing. And now he didn't feel helpless in this moment, in these moments anymore. And that's what your kids often feel, is helpless. That's why they lash out.

And I can tell you over the years, that one decision I made to sit on the floor with those stupid Legos and be vulnerable with my son paid off in countless talks about other fears and vulnerable feelings throughout his teen years. At first, he'd sheepishly ask,

Hey, Dad, have you ever struggled with this? And then those conversations became more normal and not awkward. And he's married now. We'll hike together. We have these same talks about this new life stage he's in. And it's a really beautiful thing. And I want you to experience this with your kids. So when you encounter that power struggle today, because it's coming,

Think of this story. Instead of focusing on changing your child's outward behavior, change your own. It's the only thing you can change in that moment. It will help you get to the root of the issue. It will help you teach. That's what discipline means, to teach and give your child new skills and tools. It is worth the time and effort.

I would encourage you to let your kids even listen to this podcast, either while you're driving in the car or just on their own and ask them, say, hey, let me know what we could begin doing differently. What could I do differently next time we're in this situation? Use it as a teaching tool. You have very bright kids who like to have adult conversations.

We get emails all the time about parents who let their kids listen to our programs on the app. There's a program, well, the Straight Talk for Kids program by our son about teaching your kids how to control themselves. That is for your kids to listen to, but...

I have kids who listen to the ADHD university program. Why? Because it's about how their own brain works or the strong willed child program. And you listen and then you have a conversation. You're just honest. And some of your kids are going to be like, mom, dad, you do that. And you'd be like, yeah. And I want to change that. And you have an honest conversation. It's a really cool thing. Moms and dads, thanks for working so hard at this. I know it is hard. You're breaking generational patterns and I have so much respect for you. So,

Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing the podcast and we'll talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.