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So something goes awry and your child, who can't handle disappointment well, doesn't like changes in plans, begins to melt down. He's angry, frustrated, disappointed, and nothing's working. You try rational talk. He gets more upset and says really disrespectful things or lashes out or throws something and breaks it.
And that's over the line. So naturally you say, well, because you just lashed out or threw that and broke that, you're going to lose your sleepover with your best friend or you lose car privileges for the next three days. And then your child really loses it.
So how do you prevent this? How can we handle this situation differently? I want to give you a really cool strategy to use, and that's what we're going to discuss on this special Mother's Day edition of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, your kids, age of the kids. What are they struggling with?
We get together as a family. We discuss it. We reply back to you personally, usually very quickly and with some practical tips. And that's what we do. And if you talk to Casey, here's what you're going to find. He was this kid, right? This is where we learned a lot of this. And we invited 1,500 kids into our home over the course of a decade, all emotionally responsive, reactive, sometimes violent kids, kids with attachment issues, adopted kids, foster kids, all kinds of different kids on the spectrum. So,
If you reach out to us, you're talking to people who have been through this. And if you're dealing with Casey, he was the one who was really, really would get upset and frustrated like this. So by the way, I mentioned Mother's Day. All I'm going to say is huge Mother's Day sale on the website. Take advantage of it. So let's give some context here. I'm doing a phone consultation with this lovely couple and they have an emotional, strong-willed child who's like all of our kids.
Right, look, and if you're listening to this, you're like, oh, you're describing our family. Well, then good. It knows you're not alone, right? We all have these kids. And this is like our kids. They've got an agenda. This kid knows what he wants. He's very particular. Wants to control things, right, because everything feels out of his control. Doesn't deal well with changes in plans. By the way, who does? Right, doesn't do well with transitions or little things going wrong.
Part of discovering how to help kids and how to help your kids is discovering what they do like and when they do excel. Because you always want to problem solve using a strengths-based approach, right? So in the course of this conversation, we discover that this little guy likes to occasionally lead little hiking expeditions around his neighborhood and in the woods. So he'll grab a backpack, he'll fill it with snacks, then he will lead his family around
Of course, he's the one leading because he likes to be in control because when you're in control, that gives you some homeostasis. It helps you feel like you're eliminating unknowns. It's not an unnatural feeling. We all do these things.
to counter the unknowns of life. So this child leads everyone where he wants to take them. Good. That's a positive. So one day out of nowhere, like your child, like ours when he was young, their son begins to get upset. And for many of our kids, this snowballs really quickly and they begin reacting, acting out, right? And I have a little side note for dads, moms too, but dads,
I've got to get you to control yourself or your kids will react like you do. You can't separate this. If you're an adult and you overreact and you react out in situations and get upset and scream and yell,
Your kids see that. There's no blame and no guilt. I just want us to be honest and say, yeah, my kid sometimes is really reactive, but you know what? So am I. And so good. If you're in that spot, good. Well, then learn how to control yourself and begin working on yourself, right? Dealing with your own triggers is part of what we go through in our programs. Let's learn how to do that because then your kids will start seeing, oh,
My dad, my mom used to get upset when X happened, but I notice they're controlling themselves. It's a really cool thing. So the child begins escalating, maybe demanding things. And the parents, we always react in a rational way.
Right? The child sees he's not going to get his way, so he calls his parents something disrespectful, or he lashes out at his mom, or throws something in the house. In essence, the child goes too far. And so the parents naturally say, "Now you've crossed the line, son. Because of that, you lose your sleepover, you lose car privileges, whatever it is."
And this sets off your child. Why? Because here's what he's thinking now. And look, this is really important. I really, if you need to listen to this three times, listen to this. Here's what your child's thinking. You know what? I've already lost what I wanted immediately, right? I'm not getting what I want already, so...
Forgive me for this, but F this, right? F this, right? May as well burn everything to the ground now. So he loses it. And you're talking maybe a 30, 45 minute meltdown, maybe hours of scorched earth just melting down and losing it. So what can we do differently next time?
Now here's the idea I walked through with this really lovely couple. Number one, at the beginning, let's start using that intense validation. You know what? If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. See, that's better than trying to explain something rationally to another human being, whether that's your spouse, a friend, in this case, a child who's not acting rationally. They're acting irrationally and emotionally. And that intensity is sometimes very settling in that moment. Number two,
When the child begins rationing things up, de-escalate before you discipline. De-escalate before you give consequences. And I know this is so hard. It is. It took me a while to begin to recognize, oh, my son's face is all red. His eyes are aflame and he's no longer in control of himself. He's gone emotionally.
I have to step back at this moment.
I remember exactly where I was in the townhouse we were living in outside of Washington, D.C. when I first had this realization. And I remember at first thinking like, but I can't control myself, so I may as well begin, continue escalating things because then at least I'm not the only one losing it. And now I can blame it on my child and justify my own overreaction because look what my son just said to me. Does that make sense? So I know this is hard, but when you see that,
You've got to start triggering. I got to step back at this moment. Because if you keep talking, you're upping the ante. And then the child will simply go scorched earth because why not? He's already lost everything. Why not just go for it? And here's the third thing I want you to know. And this is what I really want you to listen to three or four times. Again, share this with your spouse. Share this with teachers because this is the core of it.
I want you to recognize the shame and the embarrassment that's going on inside your child's head and heart right now. And look, we've all been there, haven't we? I've lost it before in front of my wife, in front of my son, in front of my extended family. I overreacted to something. And what do I start seeing? These people that know me best,
The people from whom I cannot hide a thing. They know all my quirks. They know the good parts of me, but they also know my flaws and shortcoming. And these are the people in front of whom I am naked and vulnerable, right? And now they're watching me and I'm acting irrationally. I'm overreacting to some stupid thing and I'm a grown adult. And so what's my first response as a grown man? This is what I used to do.
I feel embarrassed. I'm ashamed. And so in that moment, I've got a couple options. I can humble myself and say, hey, honey, hey, son, hey, family, hey, listen, I'm sorry I put you guys in that position to see that. I overreacted, and I'm sorry. But that's hard for a grown man or woman to do. Imagine being a four-year-old, a five-year-old, eight, 14, 17 years old. That's hard.
So your child looks up and sees one or both parents looking at him in the middle of his shame, in the middle of his or her embarrassment. And worse yet, maybe there's a sibling or two who never loses it like this.
Now I feel even worse. Now it's my whole family against me. I'm the bad kid. I'm the stupid kid who always does stupid things like this. And now I lost my sleepover. Or if I'm older, I lost my car, my phone. So now I can't see my girlfriend or hang out with my friends.
And I'll be the only one who isn't there. And this isn't fair. Why am I the only one to lose this? It's your fault. And you're mean and stupid. And I'm embarrassed and ashamed of beating myself up. So now I just completely lose it.
Because that's partly why I'm going to burn it to the ground. A little bit of self-hatred in there, a lot of shame. And maybe, just maybe, my parents will lose it because then I'm not the only one who's out of control. Right? Because you know how lonely and terrifying it is to be the only one in the family who's always upset and in trouble? See, can you hear that in your child's voice?
Right? And you can hear within that. You saw the child flip to blaming. Right? Am I the only one? And then he starts, you know what? It's your fault. Why? Because it's really hard to be mature when you're a kid and a grown-up admit, you know what? I caused this. I overreacted. I think that's a lot to ask of a kid in the moment, isn't it? Right? Now, I want them to learn that, but we can't even do it as adults. And here's where I want you to get the insight, right?
to say like, ah, that's what's going on inside this little kid or this six foot one teenager that's towering above me, melting down like a little kid. Look, your child didn't wake up intending to be some little jerk who makes your life difficult. And that's why I encourage you, be intentional about this stuff.
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But we get so many emails and comments from good, well-meaning parents doing their best. And you listen to the podcast.
but you don't really implement these things or dad isn't really on board. And the reason that I hammer home, listening to the Calm Parenting Package, look, we put these programs together for a reason, right? Because when you play the programs and you play it on this really easy app now, it's right on your phone, on your iPad. You can listen throughout the day or on your commute or honestly right before the kids come home.
When you have that playing again and again, it helps you internalize these lessons and understand what your kids are going through with very practical insights so that in the moment you do know what to do and you don't feel helpless.
So I'm encouraging, please do that so you can turn these situations around so they don't keep escalating. Your child doesn't keep internalizing, I'm a bad kid, I'm a stupid kid, because I'm telling you that doesn't lead to good places. So number four, this is important too. De-escalate by giving your child a way out.
Give your child space in order to save face a little bit, right? I didn't want to say that in a corny way. I did on the phone consultation. I was like, give your child some space to save face, right? But it is true. We give them some space and we want to give them a way out, right? And to give your child something he's in control of. So now we're back in this situation, right? So here we are. We're in the middle of basically a combat zone. Tensions are high. It's a face-off because
between a child and one parent or sometimes two parents and sometimes maybe there's a sibling watching as well. So now just think you've got parents staring down at this kid. Who's going to make the next move, right? And we're always wanting like our child to make the next move to like, stand down, son, stand down, right? And I get that.
But here's what happens. Dad remembers that one of my favorite calming tools is giving an upset child a job that he's in control of. Dad remembers motion changes emotion. Why? Because he keeps hearing that on the app over and over again. And that humility leads to contrition. And that you always de-escalate before disciplining. And one of my favorite bonding tools is allowing your child to teach you something.
Right? So here we are in this situation. Are we going to escalate from here? Or are we going to give this child some space? So dad goes, grabs the hiking backpack that's hanging on the doorknob, and he opens the pantry and begins shoving some snacks into the backpack, then opens the fridge to get some drinks.
And then the child, right, with his face still all red, his eyes aflame, and still caught like he's in this place where he just said all these things and he knows he's in trouble and the world's come crashing down around him. But he sees his dad doing this. He observes. And there's a momentary reprieve from all eyes being on him and his shame. And the dad isn't demanding that he calm down or apologize. He's filling a backpack with snacks. Well, that's usually this kid's job.
Look, I'm a realist, so here's what's going to happen, likely. Dad, the son will say, look, son may say this in a condescending or snotty tone, right? Dad, you're not doing it right. Look, that's a possibility, but I'm going to ask you not to take that personally. Now, the son may say it in a softened tone because dad or mom led with humility the
Opening up that backpack and doing that he may say dad you're not doing it, right? I'm good either way in this moment if the son's like dad you're not filling the backpack for the right snacks and
Don't react to that. It's a process. It's really hard to go from like, I'm completely irrational and I've lost it and I'm on level 10, DEFCON 10, to being like, Dad, thank you for giving me a way out. Thanks for filling the backpack and giving me some space to control myself. They're not going to do that.
Right? So your child, even if he's snotty, that's very much like our kids, right? They're particular. They have their way of doing it. And instead of getting offended because mom and dad have heard me say over and over, don't take things personally, right? Because you're a grownup, you don't take it personally. Instead, you smile and sigh.
And you think, this is my son. This is who he is. See, now two adults aren't staring at a kid in the midst of his shame, in the midst of him at his worst. Instead of having to calm down now, young man, the child now has a job, a purpose, a mission. You didn't even tell him to do it or even suggest it. He just naturally wants to do it because that's his job and he's good at it.
So dad says in an even tone, well, why don't you be in charge of the backpack because you're really good at that. And maybe you could plan a little expedition for us. I could use some exercise. So I'm going to go upstairs and change my clothes and get ready.
And one of the benefits of this is that you didn't have to prompt the child or try to get them to calm down. You weren't even looking at your child because remember, I don't do eye contact when kids are in the midst of shame. I don't. I begin doing something else, filling a backpack with snacks. See, you knew your son would object to the way you did it and want to take over. And then you gave him some space to calm down while you went off to change clothes so you can calm down even more. Remember, space, really, really important for the strong-willed kids.
And now your child's filling the backpack and he feels back in control of himself. He's actually the competent one right now. And when you come back downstairs ready for the hike, yeah, I know it's still a little bit awkward. And there's this kid who may have been screaming awful things at you moments before. He may have been breaking things. And he may be even being bossy right now, like nothing happened.
And that's okay, it's normal. He may even say something like, "Dad, you're not wearing the right shoes for this hike." Right? I get it, right? That's your kid. And while you would be justified being angry and reacting saying, "You know what? You're lucky I'm even talking to you right now and letting you go outside. You should be outside crying in your room all afternoon and apologizing for what you just said to your mother or your father." But you don't say that. Why?
Because you know you need to de-escalate and you're the bigger person. You're the grown man, grown woman, and you're teaching your child how to calm down. You're teaching your child how to reconcile and you're realizing relationships change behavior. See, this is a beautiful, I can feel it in my heart. I can feel it in my voice right now, in my eyes. I'm wanting to cry because I'm watching this situation. I'm visualizing it, this thing that usually separates. Look, it separates spouses, right?
right? I'm like, you just let him get away with things. And then it separates a father. It separates a mother and his or her child. It separates you from your very child doing these things. And it gets internalized inside your child. I'm a bad kid. Nobody likes me. Everybody's against me. I'm stupid. I'm bad. And instead, now watch what's happening. You're connecting.
You are connecting and bonding in the moment of your child's worst moment. And you let this explosive child lead you on a hike. And I promise you 100% that sometime during that hike, you're going to hear an apology. Your child's going to say, Dad, Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Because you created an environment in which it made it easier for your child to humble himself.
Because you first did that yourself. For my Christian, my religious parents out there, remember, it's he who first humbled himself. We have it all backwards all the time. We're the authority figures and we need to just be this and kids are supposed to be immediate. No, that's not how it works. It's not how relationships work. Look, this is not about discipline. It's not about, I've got to raise a kid. It's about human relationships.
And when you focus on the relationship, I promise you will get a contrite child who says, "Dad, I'm sorry." And listen, most of the time they're gonna say this to the moms. It's just the way it works because moms are usually a little bit more approachable, not always. And they'll say, "I don't know why I do this.
And if you really got in their heart, they'd be like, why do I do this? I'm ruining my own life. I'm always in trouble. Everybody doesn't like me. Your kids feel just as helpless as you do to handle this, right? That's a really big insight. Your kids feel helpless. So you may utter one yourself in this moment. Hey, son, I'm sorry.
I apologize because I didn't understand why you were so upset. And I apologize because I kind of got upset myself and I escalated. And I haven't always modeled it too. I haven't always modeled how to handle disappointment. And then from a place of humility and connection,
You can brainstorm a code word. We love code words for next time your child's upset. And an action plan for how to deal with disappointment in life. See, now you're disciplining. Discipline doesn't mean to punish or give consequences. It means to actually teach and show and walk alongside.
And again, for my religious friends out there, we get this idea of like it's some authority figure just shooting lightning bolts and correcting all the time. Instead, it's someone walking next to you and saying, I can see you don't know how to do this thing called life because I'm 57 and I'm still figuring it out.
Right? I don't want someone yelling at me. That's not an authority figure I'm going to respect or care about. I want someone walking alongside me. And yes, sometimes they got to give me a little tap on the shoulder and say, son, hey, you got to do this a little bit better. Right? Because I like that. I like my mentors in life saying, hey, you got to figure this out. But you know what their tone is? They're walking beside me.
They're not yelling at me. They're not screaming at me. They're not shaming me. My mentors walk alongside me and say, yeah, I know you struggle with that. Here's a different way to do it. See, that's discipline to teach and discipline is to disciple, to show by your own actions. And so you can tell your child you're actually working on that in your own life as well.
So let's work on that this week, okay? I know this was a little bit heavy, but these are make-or-break kind of moments, right? Where your family starts to fall apart.
And so I would listen to this again so you can hear what your child's feeling inside. So you can picture this in your own situation with your daughter or your son, whatever age. Apply it to your life. What do they do well, right? And definitely start listening to the Calm Parenting Program or get the Get Everything Package program.
We've got a Mother's Day sale going on to honor moms and our families out there. So you're prepared when this happens next time, because it probably will within the next 24 hours, right? So if you need help, reach out to Casey at C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell them what you're struggling with. If you need help financially with any of our products, just let us know. We're here to help. Hey, thank you for listening.
Please do share this podcast with other people. I think this one's going to help a lot of people. And I'm...
especially. I like all of our podcasts or I wouldn't waste my time doing it. But this one, there's a lot of insight into this one. And I was going to apologize for getting emotional, but I'm older now. I don't have to apologize for that. If you can't deal with my emotions, that's your issue. I'm kidding. Well, I'm not really kidding because it is, right? Because most of us is men. That's why we get so upset when our kids are upset or our wife is upset because we have a hard time dealing with people's emotions. And it's a lovely place to get in life
when you don't have to fix anybody else's emotions. It's awesome. Anyway, thank you for listening. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
